... becoming a Goddess ...

well, I suppose this would be an interesting topic if that were what's going on here. Whether or not it is, is something that ... time will tell; Unless concluded or conclusive otherwise. I mean - the simple story is that I am ... who and what I am. So, there is no 'becoming' - but then there are still degrees of realization ... .

There's a thing that a friend of mine once brought up - and since then ... I couldn't unsee it. To say that I ended up sharing his perspective ... . Which is, that it's incredibly annoying when "the chosen" in a show for instance spirals down that "I don't wanna have my powers" nonsense depression buhu cry cry arc. From my own perspective I'd have to say, that "Your Chosen SUCKS!" - to the point that I eventually end up rooting for the villains, crying to please be put out of my misery.
And yea, I can relate ... I guess. But to be fairly honest ... I actually can't!

I mean, sure there are hardships, confusion, cluelessness, worries and stuff ... but then, how good of a Character can that chosen be, if at the first instance of trouble he goes full on Cypher? Sure, it's cool while it's cool - and yea, I suppose that then comes down to the story that is told. Because ... I also really can't relate to the cool stuff either. I mean, since recently I can ... sort of. So yea, my story is also somewhat different. It's like ... I had to spend my lifetime studying and learning and thinking things through and all that - while most of the Chosen in media are like ... incredibly obnoxious when it comes to matters of patience. I mean, I had a few ... "secret mentors" we might say. People who either purposefully or just by accident helped me grow and move along. A few of them might have been ... like ... even "in" on the thing. But when given the clue that our interactions wouldn't go beyond this facade of incidental happenstance - I'd take the hint ... and effectively play along. You know, rather ... than being all crazy and INCREDIBLY stupid about it.

The problem may be, what the chosen is to represent. So, are they meant to be an example for ordinary people, or are they meant to be like ... an example as for the chosen? But I then must wonder, whether or not that distinction even makes sense.
I mean, Neo ... is ... a really good example of ... what a Chosen ought to be. Like. So, as for the elephant in the room, yes - he's all like: "I can't be the One!" in the beginning, but ... nonetheless ... he yet ACTS as the One regardless. The one being the words or the narrative or whatever surrounding the actual actions ... the other being that which transpires as in actuality. So, you have the cognitive dissonance on the one hand ... so, the brain as conditioned to exist within "the normal world" - and the challenges it faces in order to adjust to the higher demand thrust upon it. But regardless then of how what is categorized - within the provided means - Neo acts as necessary, thus by mere virtue of being himself fitting into the boots placed before him.

So, all the other Chosen - I guess - are written as humble or good-hearted and so the plot needs a point where that is highlighted. So, they have all that power but they don't want it because they're so good and pure. This also leads to really annoying explorations of morality - the imperfection of the Gods or how to call it - and stuff, which - sure - on the one side I can get behind - but on the other ... well ... it sucks. Which ... I feel like doubling and trippling down on - though at times these stories eventually manage to console my sensitivities ... like ... after all.

And that ... is something that gives me pause. I mean, it makes sense that at times a challenge that some Chosen might have to overcome ... would require that chosen to yet grow. Like so I suppose I can be grateful that I was able to do my growing ... in private ... sotospeak. Maybe.
But so I wonder ... could I also be ... like ... this stupid? As ... to someone else's perspective and understanding.

And if so ... what could I do about it?

I mean ... on the one side ... I'm about to turn 40 - which could mean that I have a lifetime of stupidity behind me. As for all I tried, I certainly didn't live up to people's expectations. Now, I'd say that's not a 'me' problem - but ... uhm ... it might be. It could be multiple things - as in: Me being ready - as it were - is simply the time when I'm meant to be ready. Like, a Wizard is never late!

But more so - on the other side - I started to notice something. While for most of my life I felt like I had been prepared for the journey - fleshed out beyond the mere potential that I carried - I find myself in a position that ... as stated a few times ... caught me by surprise. It's not that I face this challenge entirely unprepared - but it's now that I have to grow into something I didn't think I'd ever have to grow into.

What I happened to learn, preparation-wise, came through Clarity - as highlighted here and there - in form of ... a sense of entitlement. Or ego. Personality. "Audacity". Call it my pre-enslavement self, my Level 2 Dark Transformation or just the claim of the no-norm reality.
In that regard - that's all I had - and ... to my regards, it was enough. As for whatever else came unto that ... well ... I just took it ... as they would generally suit me ... in the self-aggrandizing aspects of myself. Well, is it ... self ... aggrandizement?

But so - as of that - there are things that have me ... realize ... or ... suppose ... that I'm not as fully ... expressing that, or how to put it, as I could or should.

Luckily, at least to some extent or in some sense (probably enough), the time is on my side. I mean, as the no-norm theorem suggests - the concept of some static, monolithic normal isn't a thing. While primarily coined in regards to Clarity, the same would apply to Character. So would there be a simple one-dimensional image of sorts that I could try to ... be ... but as a whole I'm certainly more complex than that.
On the other side however, there's the thing, that - the more that I interact with the world based on appearances, the more I have to be mindful of that. Like so ... the further removed I am from "normal people" - the more symbolic my presence as a part of that society is. And it is through this symbolism that I get to be a part of it in the first place. Give or take.

Well, it's certainly something on my mind - and - something worth considering. But I'm also not really sure just yet ... what that even means.

I mean, to my pleasure - I can just be ... whatever. Effectively.

And that'd be that. And if I were digging in my nose as though there were a gold-mine.
I mean, I do have a chronically running nose - like a full year cold - and that'd be just one of the many ... imperfections ... that might ruin my alignments with one's demands in what a Goddess should be.

But ... there are things that bubble to the surface - in a sense. This sure is a part of it - and what thereby transpires within me - is thereby the truth to what the written side ... is basically just a shadow of. Some shifts in consciousness would then be more ... and others less important.

Something I haven't figured out just yet - is how to ... supposing it's necessary, eventually ... "take the step". From ... well ... arguing as a human to ... expressing myself through divinity. But ... well ... uhm ...

I mean - here's like ... the first, I'd say, proper ... statement to that end: As a Goddess ... it isn't mine ... to require anything from you.

Rather is it mine to share of the wealth that I possess - as it is clearly the Divine, where abundance is to be sought.

But also am I not to be required to be or do anything - which however stands apart from my existence as a human. And yea, of course these aren't absolute. I may require things from others - as others may require things from me. But that is for my part in life as human.

I mean - there's this thing: For most of my journey ... I found myself in a position where I needed people to listen. That is so still, but - so where there all these things I'd have to have or have to be or do or whatever - before anyone would listen to me. I never liked those demands, I always thought they were exaggerated, purposefully unfair even, inconsiderate, ignorant and stuff like that. To the point where after I could demonstrate the most miraculous miracle - people seemed to have found excuses - maybe along the lines of: That exact thing wasn't part of what was demanded.
Long story short - that fuck you @me I can give right back. Nobody wanted to give me shit - and I suppose in that regard I might say that it was right after all. Though, in reality, the story rather follows the narrative that I don't need ... whatever one might try to blackmail me with. And as for however might try to construct a narrative to own me - well - mine eventually just turned up bigger.

The story now isn't that there shouldn't be or cannot be or could not be ... any kind of mutual "giving and taking" and stuff going on. I mean, I might have to apologize for my past neediness - or however, that I thought ... that it would have to be that way. But ... I don't think I will. That because the basic argument behind that neediness ... doesn't go away - until - it's met. Now, how people choose to meet it - and how I choose to hint at it - may be more in the abstract these days, but ... the basic argument remains. You might at that point think of me as Gaia ... who cometh unto you with a plight. And as scholars put it - would I certainly outlive humanity - to say, that if you'd think to fuck me over - you'd really just hurt yourselves.

So - is it egotistical? Well ... there's a simple equation: my wellbeing and that of humanity at large are somewhat intertwined. Certainly is there the human angle. So is Germany doing fine - and in as far as that's so - I'm doing fine. In as far as Germany's wellbeing is threatened, mine is threatened. And, for the most part I vibe with this condition, because ... by and large Germany is one of those that try to do good.

But outside of that, is there ... everything else about me, effectively. So, starting with the Gospel - or the ideological unity (well, yea) of mankind and all that. So do I require you to get along ... because that's kind of the point. And it's less so that I require it - and rather that I have a message to share, without the intention to fuck you over. Basically. And in as far as you cannot or will not appreciate me for who I am ... things aren't really where they need to be.

But - uhm, enough of that. I mean ... semantics and technicalities. So, again is it not that I require anything of you, but that I anticipate a kind of generosity and good will that I deem normal - as ... for all intents and purposes.
Nothing that would have to be regulated by contract ... basically.

Anyway - so - regarding that ... there things I could do. For the most part, I've settled on ignoring it. That because ... at the end of the day I don't think it suits me ... for ... well ... mostly vain reasons ... to harp on that ... while the "fuck you" take on it is like ... the next best thing from there ... for me.

And like so I'm sure there are those that can vibe with that. More so than however else I could be about it; To, eventually, yet the same effect. And so ... is that.

(I have Russian in-laws, which ... kindof justifies this. I have absolutely no clue what it is about though. I got it from a friends MP3 collection - and enjoyed the music enough to remember it. I actually thought it was from a videogame ... . But outside of that, I have to admit that Russians are easily the ones I'm most uncomfortable around. Just ... by the way. I suppose it's the language - which, in combination with the Cyrillic symbols ... has absolutely nothing redeeming about it. Arabic at least looks nice, and has a certain ring to it. But Russian is really just like a barb wire fence surrounding a Gulag ...)

But yea - so - what a lot of the nonsense here boils down to is drama. And ... I ... generally speaking ... don't really like that. But so is the message, you do you - and rather than being stressed about the issues I face as a human, I should be grateful for the privileges of being a Goddess. ... :/ ... well, yea. I mean, thinking of what that meant for Jesus ... you know ... is one thing. And that ... we actually live more so in the beyond ... that we can take peace and solace from the transient and eternal truths ... sure is good but ... among humans ... well ... hasn't always led to ... like ... positive or optimistic conditions. For similar/related reasons. ...

And that ... uhm ... may already be way too human for the kind of ... "visual" appeal I should be going for. So ... is my mind still caught up in these mortal patterns - but I figure, that that's also just the way it is right now. Not much I can do about it. So, at the end of the day, I'll just be doing my thing - and that means that from time to time I have to remind you ... who I am ... to so, stress the issue a little ... .

So - rather is it mine to give. To share of my wealth - to the extent I deem reasonable. I deem myself an ally of humanity, well - duh; And if you think me for a traitor - that's effectively a 'you' problem. People might not realize how it is part of 'the' problem - and there sure is plenty about the cognitive aspects to ... being like ... stuck in this world ... that is "fair enough". Like so is this world created so, that atheists can build their stuff on the solid rock (Christ, a.k.a. the Truth) - though from the divine perspective, there is more to be accomplished.

But yea, I suppose ... that's it for now. Maybe not much has been achieved - but ... probably enough for what's possible right now.