Glitchout Overture 2000 - the Reckoning

So ... uhm ... maybe I'm behind on things ... . Like, sometimes I literally forget myself - which would be ironic if you like lived in the past where I ... like ... used to upset myself over people that couldn't keep up with what I was saying.

Hmm ...

Being Who I am ...

It's weird how a topic you think you're familiar with can ... basically just flip around and leave you entirely clueless.

I mean, I basically spent some amount of time, previously, coming to terms with or otherwise rectifying my whole situation with divinity. And I can't help but ... think that it's somehow silly. I mean, at the end of the day, a part of it boils down to ... like ... pretending to be someone or something ... but it's not like I have convinced myself of something. That's been like ... the ... thing.

Then, strangely enough, some gender crisis is coupled to it. And though I don't really feel like going through that again - it seems like - inevitable.
And on that note ... I ... had a bit of a humorous episode and the idea of binding someone's identity to that of a vegetable seemed kind of funny at first ... not that I'd do it, probably ... but ... then I noticed ... that ... that totally seems like something ... uhm ... some people might do.

And there sure is a bunch of things I ... feel like being. Things that aren't ... like ... flattering ... at all.

And I feel like ... this might be my first real reckoning. One that's vastly just ... me. Well, give or take. I mean, all things considered - things may have been a lot worse ... than ... I would have thought. If I like ... had thought of it much at all.

This is, in a way, feels like waking up from a bad dream, in which I had a bad hangover, while having a bad hangover. It sure begs the question, just how much of anything was real. At least so the things outside of Clarity.
And yea, for a time I was curious as to whether or not some of it may have been compromised. And who knows?

But like so, there also isn't really a 'normal' to return to. And that, I guess, may have also been ... part of the problem. Maybe not implicitly so - but - by the world of the meta-conscious shifting and changing, leaving us internally confused and without ... normalcy ... a desire might manifest to hold on to what little sanity this world could offer.

In some places more so than others ... I assume.

For years now, I have responded to some inner call; Following some instinct that I learned to more and more pragmatically relate to. It's been a long trip - with some minor retractions that had to be made here and there. But yet have I come to ... not question my beliefs much. I mean, I'd do so frequently ... but usually that boiled down to making my case better.

And when sticking to ... like ... simple truths and basic inevitabilities ... there couldn't be much wrong.

But what I so am concerned about now is, how much to really lean into the whole Goddess thing. I mean, it doesn't feel like it does me a whole lot of good. It's odd and weird, at least ... while I don't really know what to make of it. What the deal is. How it matters ... pragmatically. Or practically.

I mean, what I wrote previously made me think. What if I simply left all the labels of standing out of the picture - and merely focused on the hard ... solid ... factual ... actually a thing things?

So - I'm chosen, which I have receipts for, as the Cosmos certainly confirms a certain kind of union that I'm a part of. And that manifests in alignment with what I think of myself. Or thought of myself. I so would have to think something of myself - openly - for that to happen; And that might further underline that what I was thinking is valid ... and the two things certainly further re-enforce each other.
And in a sense, outside of what knowledge I managed to wrap into a book, that's all I got.

In case the magic book is working as I'd have it work - there's also that. To whichever my extent my word may be valid beyond that. But either way is the Cosmos bent around me; And the part of me that is nourished in Clarity certainly takes a great deal of ... some kind of pleasure from that.

But here, terms like Goddess and Queen also really just vibe in this tint of darkness and mystique, loaded with provocative implications - being like, dark and mysterious. Like, yea, distanced and ... hidden in the abstract.

Taking that into the Light ... well. On the one hand should work to prove a point to some extent, but also feels ... odd. It's not that I reject the Light, or can't vibe with it. I very much can. But things also seem to work somewhat different ... in it. I mean, the wedding "stuff" I wear should still ... just be that. Being what it is - and perhaps even so without the twistings of ... stuff.

It doesn't necessarily make me feel better. But ... I mean, I suppose it depends on the context.

But so, what I feel there inside of me, nourished by Clarity, is a pool of wellbeing. It's what I am - and acting it out, implicitly comes with that claim of Godship. And it doesn't seem like anything is fit or equipped to challenge that. Not even the Key.

But I also can't help but ... notice ... that these truths ... they can only be delivered with a pinch, or more, of cynicism.

It's like a Hoax or a Meme. Something that however gets its substance from a certain degree of willfull ignorance. Or arrogance. Whatever. It's like ... a thing of darkness that thus only truly shines in darkness.

As that it's something I'd at best only hint at - like a tease - while otherwise just doing my thing; Leaving all the heavy lifting ... to the circumstances.

So, yea ... "got it!". ???

But here's the thing: I deserve to be seen! The good, the bad and the ugly. "For by how I'm seen, I shall see myself"~ish. And it does in deed encapsulate ... what I view to be my problem. I mean, OK. If we're talking Clarity - the issue is that I don't show myself much. But I'd also say, that that's "so typical" ... as I find myself, well, cockblocked out of anything but opening myself up to exploitation.

Like, if that's the only part people would see me by ... that would also be all that I could be. And I don't want to argue whether or not my Clarity actually supports that, because ... I personally don't. And in as much as Clarity isn't this extra thing that compells me to things for no good reason ... that's that. I mean, I don't get like kinky goodness out of that take on it.

And that's part of the ugly. That right now ... that whole part of my "ought to be life" - is mute. For whatever reason, to whichever extent ... it just doesn't fit. And if it so turns into a burden ... it's that.
But sure - to say that I deserve to be seen, it eventually also entails ... my Sexuality. When and if I'm willing to expose it. That is ... to be seen ... in that regard is also about ... living my life. To be who I am and be taken for who I am. To be myself ... and be alive and welcome and appreciated as such.

But it entails all of my life - or so, those parts that matter to me. Or does it?

I mean, we all have to make concessions I suppose - such and such. And I suppose nobody can compell others to like you for who you are. Maybe. Probably. Not normally.

There's stuff about letting go, about walking down new roads, about being contempt with the present, about discovering new aspects of yourself ... and it's only reasonable to yield - as to find an intersection between you and the world around that works for you. Though maybe that's not only good. I mean, in a sense, wasn't it like the grievance of Kain, that he didn't feel seen? For who he was or thought he was?
Well - I'm sure that jealousy also played a role here. An issue with other people's boundaries - or so the inverse reality of self-presentation; Which is the self-presentation of others. (God's, in this case)

And that's also ... sortof woven into the one or the other Superman story. Or any situation in which the villains taunts the hero to act against their ideals. So, if you cannot compell someone to yield - or would not by some reason - and the only way forward is for you to yield to them - it does feel unfair and unbalanced.

But all that aside for a sec. - I so went to bed after writing the first part here, already thinking about writing about this. And ... as noted here and there - I'm used to people seeing something in me ... that I don't think is there. And it's not just in my head. I mean, in terms of feedback, I did get really positive feedback here and there. Feedback that made me feel seen - though all of that in a somewhat distanced manner. I mean, I'm smart, I'm funny, some would even describe my appearance as impressive, I'm friendly - so, at least superficially, people get me. At least when like ... compelled to talk of the positives.
Last year, also, apparently, I've been in the top 1% or 5% of Karma earners on Reddit. So, another thing I can feel good about.
And I sure don't think that I'm the only one with this problem - that - there just is a whole bunch of [self] that nobody seems to care about.
And in regards to that - I think people are scared of me. Maybe for the better; Like, maybe I also just don't want to let anyone in. So, maybe it isn't that people don't see me - but - that what I want people to see isn't ... there to be seen.

I mean, what I am - going by what feedback I got - concerning my behavior in therapy groups - there seems to be something odd about how I express myself. I suppose I can be oppressive; Cold and analytical - I make statements, I conclude - what I reveal of myself is like, final and definitive. It is ... what I've learned I suppose. To leave nothing open, as per some "once and for all" and "no recourse" type of approach. So, I basically shut people out and expect them to ... comply.

Which, so ... does beg the question ... what my options even are.
I guess I might also wonder then, of what it means to be me. I mean, if I could just lean back and have the world turn around me ... I mean, something along those lines - is what it all seems to boil down to. Or should I say: Is the inevitable outcome!?

The problem is, that I also think of myself as some kind of service person. Or entertainer. Something along those lines. And in all the giving, it's not that I don't take. There's just a certain hollowness to it all - though on the other side, a certain kind of fulfillment.

And that now made a part of me cry. Whatever part - it doesn't like that outcome or conclusion.

So, uhm, did I just pull a bait-and-switch on my own ass?

I mean, on the one side - there's me being isolated; And that's just that. And what I want to be seen ... is down a long road ... I somehow thought ... I'm close to the end of. And there - I have questions. Like, am I right in my head? Or am I just crazy? To say, whatever I do in my isolation is probably cool and good and all ... but it's probably not a good condition to settle on. I might though, effectively ... becoming a catless cat-lady, so-to-speak. But that's also like saying that what I do ... wouldn't amount to much. It's pointless. Or the world isn't ready for it. Whatever ... how fate plays out is one thing, but ... what about life?

And it's weird. Like, I want or need a reality check - allthewhile it's like ... I'm the one to give reality a check.
And yea ... this is like ... the perfect moment to leave this on. At least do I now feel exactly like ... how I feel like ... most of the time or in the grand average ... about myself. -> -_- <- this emoji.