Uhm ... how to ...?

Well ... sometimes ... in life ... things change so significantly, that concerns that were all that mattered just a day ago - are like gone with the wind and still unresolved. And yea, eventually - further down the road - someone might pick up the pieces or whatever.

So, I had to look at what I had written previously to figure out what I was actually thinking about writing beneath this headline - and looking back, that now strikes me as merely a thematic thing. "Special Effects" maybe. "The Illusion" of a Threshold - though ... not all that illusory.

Final Fantasy XVI

So, it gets better. For instance. After paying the first Crystal a visit - the game changes. Mx. Sterling also came to that conclusion, though I also think we're on two totally different tracks of reason on that one. And maybe there's more to it. I have long been under the impression, that sometimes people pick grievances without much of a clue as to why. They try to formulate it - take a hold of it - FATHOMing it - and the result are a lot of weird opinions that are more or less at odds with another portion of the population. So, in terms of FF XVI that would be ... say, an uninteresting story ... though nobody has the intellectual tools to describe its utter uninterestingness - and the next best thing are things that ... popped up to be bothersome in one way or another.
As said, the story eventually becomes more interesting - but that mostly because it removes itself a bit from the action. And with it you get Boss-Fights that might bridge several Chapters. But then you meet Barnabas for the first time ... and ... ugh. I mean, you can have a Boss-Fight for the sake of having a Boss-Fight or Story for the sake of having Story - but ... that isn't it! Then it becomes incredibly dull for a bit and settles somewhere in the middle for a while. Now I'm basically onto what I think is the final part of the game - that is, the big floaty Crystal just popped up on the map.

To my surprise, the various convoluted threads that the game spins throughout its story, wave together into something ... interesting. How to put it ... like ... "a dim spark of light finding its way into reason" ... .

Ah, now I remember what I was on about. Well, for now let's just call it ... a larger goal that looms on the horizon - and I felt as though ... I had gotten a bit closer to it.

Something about Wanting and Hope

Aside of that, I had an urge - yesterday - to publish this reading sample. Or, well ... I had an urge a few days prior already ... to start and transcribe what I had written so far. Or ... at least as much as what would make a coherent whole without opening up into unresolved territory.

And while I sure should probably put my mind into improving what I've written so far - that is an: At least at some point. As my mind certainly was already thinking of ... what to write next. Now though I, on the one hand, am worried that the text isn't as comprehensive as I'd like it to be - but on the other I'm compelled to not ... well ... worry my life away, so to speak.
It sure is a thing we can do.
So my therapist made an interesting point today. And in as far as the Matrix has it, that point is also a bit of a topic in the part of FF XVI that I just played. What she said was something to the effect of: We can will ourselves into desperation.
My situation right now is basically whether I'm looking for an apprenticeship the normal way, or if I take like the "easy route" to it. So, it is about "what I want" - in a very similar way to one that might even drive someone into suicide. So, just on a topical basis. What we want - at least in an internalized sense - becomes what we hope for and to a degree determines how we measure our own worth. But however that now relates to Final Fantasy is neither here nor there ...

So, initially I meant to make a topic of thresholds - as in commemorating their existence while thinking myself on the verge of one. Now I do find myself beyond that, in a sense - and the commemorating has to take a back seat.

Wherever things are at now, (oh yea, I ... think I figured out how to sort-of wipe the key, time will tell if it actually did anything), I think the problem that is on ... uhm ... . The problem I most care about that might be on people's minds ... concerns what hope we have, or can have - realistically, in terms of ... changing the world for the better. Changing people's minds, combating climate change ... that sort of thing. That eventually becomes a standard I compare my efforts to - and ... usually am under the impression that there's still something missing.

Maybe ... the right balance between simple and complex. Concerning the 'of Order and Chaos' perchance.

I probably should try to (a)void confusing statements - such and such. Which is difficult for me to gauge sometimes - as - well, let's just leave it at that.

I mean, so far I've been following a pretty easy and straighforward strategy - and it is at odds with my therapist sometimes (at least it might appear that way), but I also just had an opportunity to remember ... . The one doesn't necessarily affect the other - and so far there certainly has been a way to compromise. A compromise that I think works out for the better.
I mean, in effect, I'm sitting in my boat - and the Lord is its Captain. I sit in here - and get taken to wherever He takes me. There's a lot more I could or should tell you about that, in due time (right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a hurry), but for now ... the point is that I don't fight it. I don't try to ... panic, as it were. And that sure has a negative potential - as though I might lose my self or unlearn how to live.

Now, I'd think I know all about that and certainly don't unlearn how to live - but - that, for as far as I'm concerned about here, was also pretty much restricted to a set of things that ... well ... would you believe it or not ... have fairly little do with actually living.

On another note - I'd describe it as: "God recently played me a move" - to not call it a vision (which I think is a bit of a woefully charged word in this context) - centered around a hypothetical for the afterlife - which was: To put one part of me into stasis so another part of me could evolve. Whatever one might think of it - what followed was "the plot" - which was to say that ... it's bad, that I'd be loosing myself, such and such. Like, how could I make that choice, reasonably? How would I not just be a puppet of God? So, what about me? And I couldn't find an answer. And thus I was conflicted. On the one side I (would) trust God ... to know what's best ... on the other ... I ... couldn't silence those condemnations. Now, on the surface, what follows would be something along the lines of: "Don't care!". Underneath it however isn't that simple. Or ... well ... it is, but ... deceptively so. For, the problem isn't one of whom I'd listen to - as in: which influences would carry me which way - but one of having the answer ... of where to be carried.

The solution then came in form of a plot twist, we might say. Or ... a deus ex machina. So, rather than existing as woven into the narrative of those that criticized God's will - I figured that there might be another way. So I thought something along the lines of: Well, why would I want to ... go down that path God suggested. And thus I found an answer.

So, a little anecdote on Clarity. Which ... maybe is too shallow and so I should further expand on some of the themes - but ... in simplicity the answer is something along the lines of me being a filthy cunt.

Now, in hindsight I find that there is a much better answer. That is: For us to find proper co-existential harmony - such shifts must occur - at least hypothetically speaking, with a fairly concrete degree of certainty. And eventually it happens to us anyway, as we focus on one thing over another.

And yea, so we do come to a little bit of commemoration after all - in saying that life has these unexpected twists and turns - even if we think a pretty straight road ahead of us.

And that maybe takes me to ... my objective here.

The Culture War

As noted in my Text - I make the case, that the Culture War started with the Ministry of Christ. Prior to that, War was just War. But as people deployed moralistic reasons to underpin their standards - Wars had to be justified - more and more. Well, it makes sense - at least. As, with our ethical reasoning, the things that might motivate us into such commitments evolved as well.

Now, when I think of my future - I sometimes find myself stuck. Struck down perhaps. Depressed, Stressed out - which all in all makes me not want to commit to any kind of ... specific plan or action. Even if there's something that has to be done - at least within margins of reason - I find that ... I can't occupy my heart with it. Until I can. So-to-speak.

I can deal with what's in the now - because ... things that immediately affect me ... are things I just have to deal with ... like so. Beyond that, I dealt with this "Stress of the Future" by maintaining my Clarity and more or less what might come with it. To draw a pretty simple outline - mostly focused on what emotional support structure I felt I needed. And anything else ... would drag me too far one way or another - probably getting me mixed up in stuff I can't handle from within my loneliness. And while that is certainly a most reasonable position to hold - an unanswered question still was, or is: But ... where to from there?

Well - the answer could be simple. I feel like people would really like to wire me into this and that - have me work on or contribute to such and such - and like so, I'd rely on my Pimp to sort that out. Otherwise I'd just do my own thing - and ... stuff ... .

But so, I can thereby say that I don't have an inherent resistance to ... getting wired in ... or demanded ... for religious, intellectual, creative and political purposes - but maybe I'd remove myself too much from the equation by ... removing my own pro-active participation from that. But so far nothing really clicked - as what I would be down for ... is really just a sea of possibilities.

But ... maybe that started to change - in a sense of ... "Land in sight".
Whether it is that or just a Fata Morgana - I can't tell. That'd be ... yours to figure out. If there's nobody who would or could or will or might or whatever ... it's the latter.

So ... there's this thing. With Capcom the thing was ... part happenstance part ... a dream I once had. I stuck around - until it was time to move on.
So, back when I became active on their Forums - Capcom was partially called "Crapcom" - and now ... they did well enough for them to be on my mind again.

Or so ... this whole ... agenda I had back then. And maybe that agenda was the right way after all.

So, here's the thing: To me ... there's a weird connection between me - and Final Fantasy. Or say, Square Enix. It's a very subtle one. There are a few ... "rocks" floating in the ether of what would otherwise just be ... vague hints, perhaps color complexions ... like, a pixel here and there that glitters to my eye. Those rocks would be ... those dotted lines that there were in Final Fantasy XII (was that the one with Vaan?) - highlighting map transitions. In Final Fantasy XVI - there's this ... dungeon I mentioned into which the dude disappeared - and ... that room is more or less identical to a "sample room" I had in my mind while so trying to blueprint my engine. Little things. Fragments of Architecture - but nothing ... substantial.

And I figured: The biggest problem that Final Fantasy games have developed ... is a lack of ... inspiration. The biggest problem that I have developed ... is like ... an overabundance of inspiration. I feel like I couldn't follow up on my ideas anytime soon if ever - while it seems like Square Enix can't conceive a reasonable story anytime soon - if ever. So to speak.
Or, more to the point: Looking at Final Fantasy XVI - the case is somewhat clear to me. They are quite capable of realizing vision and constructing a compelling narrative - but it seems as though they, for the Love of God, are utterly incapable of conceiving of a strong foundation to build upon. Though, sure ... I don't know how studios and corporations and such are linked. Whatever the case. It might just be ... imposed. Also ... their designs ... while ... good~ish ... leave a lot to be desired.
I on the other hand am like ... really good at starting things ... but with my almost 40 years that's pretty much where I'm at. Still. More or less.

Now - I don't know what to make of this ... in the greater sense. But, counting one and one together - what can be said, is that it'd take some time for anything to come of that. Like ... a game. Whichever number of Final Fantasy that could be. On the one side I'd probably have time for other things - but ... at the end of the day it'd take time ... for the "hopes and (prayers/s) dreams" to be something people can ... look at and deal with and such.

So - if we can, on the other hand, not find a way to "do the thing" - like, politically - because ... power struggles, stubbornness, such and such - it's pretty much inevitable that things would take ... more time. Also would we have to start 'somewhere' - though that would really just be: Where we're at now. Like it used to be where we've been ... at any point in time.

In another sense: If our problem were, that we'd have trouble escaping "the Cringe of Fringe" - then, well, we might as well try to get cozy here. There's probably enough here in the Cringy Fringy - where, like, questions such as why we're not Fighting Climate Change or why we're engaging in Capitalism would be like ... basically the extent of what kind of nonsense we'd have to deal with. That and being Woke I guess. But we cannot really combat Climate Change from the Fringes - and whether or not doing Art is the same as supporting Capitalism ... and such ... I mean, ... one does as one does. Diggy Diggy Hole.

On another note - I really wonder what the odds might be for there to be another Live-Action Dragonball Movie(s) - to which I'd have say!

At any rate - this idea doesn't strike me with that ... Stress ... and would probably be a more interesting route than me sifting through ... an apprenticeship ... towards a profession that in the bigger scheme of things ... I mean, it's not that I can't identify with it. "It ain't much, but it's honest work!" or how that goes - one might say.

But then also - that kind of ... "employment" (though it would be more like a 'de'ployment) hinges on an understanding of ... what I'm doing. And I find it difficult to formally apply with that. So ... this has to do the trick.

If it shall be - this is what it takes.

There, for the most part I'd be looking to withdraw into my own endeavors - but this also much hinges on me being open to suggestions. So, I don't want to overthink it. I'm curious though ... . How big are we?