Down with Crazytown

I'm in a state right now, that's in and out of ... a good mood. But a part of it is confusing. Like so, for today, I was "pushing" a narrative in my head, or ... dragging one ..., as basically a reaction to impressions ... that act as triggers or questions driving me to a response. That ever so often leads down some rabbit hole through which I either prior to or while writing can make a point somehow.

And ever so often I really don't like being in that situation. On and off I've been in and out of actually responding to that. But, there isn't much rhyme or reason to it on my end. Either I have something to write about or not - so, in the end. Yea, that's ... rhyme and reason. Though this time, that rhyme and reason is a matter of its absence. Give or take.

So, I meant to put an end to "this topic", but find - I'm still in the midst of it. Well, What I mean by "this topic" are basically matters of the past. And I've been suckled in, time and time again - hinting at some kind of inevitable collapse that I yet tried to prevent. I could think, that it is due to me actually getting something done, getting people to think and talk and start itching for something - which in turn triggers the Nemesis to up their efforts or spam or whatever - which in turn arrives at me in form of a plethora of stressors that I think to respond to as an attempt to basically maintain my pressure.

That then usually ends up badly for me - because there's just too much to respond to. Like so do I have my life - and it doesn't matter too much in which way I'm busy, it's just that I have "my road" - my concerns - which to an extent is about trying to get beyond a certain something; While those stresses attack the things I would have hoped to build upon.

It's a precarious situation - and a good take for me has been to ... try and ignore it. So I have developed a kind of cynicism towards it, speaking of debates that only exist in my head, the feeling that I'm talking to a wall - that kind of stuff. And in all that I also of course question whether or not there even is a point to any of it.

Like so I keep spiralling on - while those stressors get more and more. Stronger or plentiful - whatever - and to me, so far, just responding to them hasn't ever been working out for me. By that I mean, that I never felt like I accomplished something. Other than getting me stressed out - and ... being upset at everyone.

So, to take a broader look at it - I'd say that the issue isn't in the stressors - so, the myriad of questions I'd have to answer ... properly and thoroughly ... but how one is to react to them properly. That includes me, but also does it include you. Which then is ... like ... actually a problem.

And I have to stress ... that I don't like to play "interview with the void". Where I basically end up gaslighting myself into answering questions ... as I see a problem with the situation at large.

Now, if I wanted to lead by example - I'd ... maintain that narrative; And walk away from it. That has somehow been hinted at in the previous post.

Like so I'd wish, that people were able to latch on to the important things I write about - which now gets me to think that I maybe should try to not write unimportant things. But ... eventually those are inevitable components of a narrative - and then, yet again, to really flesh things out - I'd have to take a step back - and ... stop being bothered by "this nonsense".

That is then where I end up anyway - after these more or less actual collapses - as I'm burned out, and moving on with my life while being pissed at everone and everything to a more or less serious degree.

This time I may add, that ... thoughts evolve. That may at this particular point in time be my best defensive option in all this. It's something I've been trying to develop into a point for a while now - but, other things eventually took priority. Now however, it's one of the bigger topics. Growth, in that sense. To say, that if you expect me to have ... as it were ... the answers to everything, you haven't been paying attention. If you need my statements to be absolute and timeless ... you haven't been paying attention. And you probably ... put way too much weight on my presentation, forgetting that you're not going to be a part of 'this' - ever - (and by 'this' I mean, 'the way' ... which is where you'd arguably want to be on) - if you can't find your foot on the way to begin with.

To that - I'd like to believe that so far I've given you plenty of instances of evolving thoughts. What matters now hasn't mattered a year ago - and that's basically how this sorry game has played out for me for like ... over a decade.

In another sense - for all I care right now I'm alone. Sure, dear Lord helps me, but ... that effectively isn't any of your concern. Your concern needs to be that the dear Lord helps you too - and at that point we should be able to team up. That is to say that if you need me to solo this game - you haven't been paying attention. What this game is about ... well, is ... a good question ... maybe.
It is though, whatever it is - that the dear Lord has you play. And I'd assume that you'd get the impression, that He isn't too pleased if you're ... of a certain position about me. Like, are we on the same team or not? Like, if I played you a ball ... would that be ... something that helps me, or is it more of a home goal?

Now, in reality it may be faulty to think of this game as one that's played on a level field. That we have to like, organize and coordinate - though sure ... that also has to happen eventually. Yet ... in as far as I don't need you to do something for me - but to do the right thing for yourself - the balls I'd be playing towards you aren't like: Do this and that - or believe in such and such - for things of that nature, like what I'm doing right here - that is my game.

In other words: There isn't a strict game-plan that we need to be concerned about.

But so the metaphor goes: That I need you to start becoming a player - as opposed to being a ball for the enemy.

And sure - a very sorry (and sory) part of me - at this instance has to listen to the lamentations of those that don't want to become players. Insert ... plethora of reasons ... one more sorry than the other ... which has me in a mood of ending that discussion with a "burn in hell" of some sort. It's depressing me - more than it makes me angry.

Somehow a part of this is what I would call a very ... weird, exaggerated, delusional and unrealistic expectations of what I ought to be capable of. Now, given enough time and effort I might get to check some of those boxes - though as it stands, right now, that's really just the proverbial carrot on the stick that gets me going. Overcoming more and more - like sure, single-handedly ... something something. Whatever. I just happen to think that there can't be much of a point to what I'm doing ... well all the important stuff just passes by everyone - and all I see is clueless shrugging when I'm under the impression that I just did provide serious answers to most if not all questions.
Maybe not in the anticipated form - but ... at some point ... you have to appreciate reality for what it is rather than what it ought to be in your mind (or "their" narrative).

And so the story goes. I'm talking to people I don't understand - as anything but as dense as a black hole perhaps - and like so I'm getting more and more upset - the further I try to "talk" to them. And yea, I'm not even 'talking' - I'm writing. How's that for ... a mental health issue?

At the end of the day, I also ... usually ... refuse to believe that things are different. I mean, there's this thing. If I were optimistic and believed in a positive twist of events ... it might come. And I am not having it!

No! That's not my ... part in this!
But then it's like: How can I expect "you" to overcome the odds if I can't do so myself? Well - so, once again it then were me who had to do all the work. And in this particular instance ... I refuse!
I mean, it is - very much so - a very antichristian thing to believe in. Dominance of Will - or how to call it. Subsequent to which I'd have to orchestrate everything with my mind - so, it'd be useful to have a Key of sorts that could ... maintain certain things of that nature. To have all ya be my bitches that do my bidding, like silly little puppets that I couldn't respect with a spark of my heart - as it'd be a testament to failure. I'd despise each and everyone who'd "follow me" like that because at the end of the day ... you'd be nothing! Nothing but a failure of a human being that isn't deserving of a free will.

But maybe that's what some people want. I mean, there are ways - but ... then again, specifics about salvation ... aren't my duty either. Which is to say, whatever the least amout of things is that you would have to do at any rate ... is gonna get you there anyway. Not my problem! Though I might think it problematic!

So, thoughts evolve. I think it to be a great defense because most if not all of those stressors, I think, pretend in some form that ... there is no future. Getting you stuck in the now, overthinking a little thing, being unable to conceive of how a particular problem could be solved. Like so, "how do they evolve"? What does 'evolution of thoughts' have anything to do with "it"? Well - in as far as you're asking for an answer - you either think that there is one, or that there isn't one.

Now, what gets me playing this silly game is the idea that ... yea, you ... only want to help me ... as ... that way I can prove what I'm made of. But yet, eventually, you have to ask yourself what it is that you really need.

Let's create a whole new issue - so, I don't by accident contradict my point here. So, I say, a proper Hadoken needs to have those fists visible in it. As it used to be in SF2. That is, at some point they moved away from that. So, what happens then? I suppose some people in charge would wonder. Like, is it so? They'd maybe try to make a poll. Ask around. While the enemy makes a lot of convincing points to the contrary. At the end of the day - the story is simply that if you asked me - that's how I'd do it.
But that sure isn't the end of the story. Next there's the matter of art direction and responsibility. Would "person" now care to follow my suggestion, or would they be better off following their own gut feeling? So, they'd maybe look inward and look for what their gut feeling is. Me being a stranger they haven't come to trust just yet - is certainly throwing shade on my position from the get go. People being convinced against mine add to that. The Hadoken having been just fine without those flashy fists ... speaks for keeping it that way. So, that eventually produces a gut reaction devoid of anything magical. It's no divine revelation and neither a spark of inspiration. It's just ... math. So they'll figure, OK, no fists - which then is what eventually becomes a stressor to me - which I read at ... "my position on the hadoken is flawed - and it is really bad, so, I should really address it!".

The simple truth thus being: That I cannot "say" -ANYTHING- ... at all, ever, in any way, shape or form ... that wouldn't boomerang back on me in that way. Unless it's either far removed from the working common sense, or maybe ... gets a wheel or two turning enough ... to keep things going for me.
So, hereto there's a narrative of ... fate. So, what God wants. So, have I been abandoned - because people were too stupid, or was it part of God's plan? It makes sense to think that it was the latter - which would leave people motivated to listen to the same kinds of things that lead to my abandonment in the first place. So, believing that would have one suggest that "God is working" - in that way. On the other hand - I'd rather think that God only stops people from crashing the whole thing. That is like ... on the other end of that spectrum. With "God's plan" having then at best been to just ... work with the worse possible outcome. But it certainly couldn't be ... that things stay that way. Because ... that worse outcome is nothing moving at all ... other than into a bad direction. As has ... been happening for the time I observed ... "the entertainment industry" relative to my efforts to ... reach people.

So, what would happen if people started to get things right? In my opinion. Well, they'd say ... the visual representation of a Hadoken can't be all that important. It's at worse like a grain of sand in ones shoe ... nothing ... to stop the whole caravan for.

So is this however ... the situation. On the one hand I'm supposed to 'prove' that my inspiration is worth anything - which is by the way how all this started. I mean, sort-of. I started to think of Game design again, blurted out some sketches towards various Franchises (at first Nintendo, then Capcom) - and ... then figured that I might have to do more, started to code my 3D Mesh editor in QBasic and from there started to learn C++, OpenGL and a bit of Assembler. And sure, since then a lot of games have come out that were made "by just a single guy". Whatever.

The thing however isn't - and I probably had to yet grow a lot to get to this point - that that ... isn't my game. Still. So, I'm not gonna Asura's Wrath my way into soloing the Universe ... as it were. I mean, for what? If that's what Salvation or Redemption were about ... well, someone would have to explain that to me.

Now - if I had to take a sharp guess ... things started to turn in my favor a while ago. So, when I see Street Fighter 6 - I see those "Street Wear" outfits ... which is something that I have been proposing back when I first "applied" at Capcom. So, maybe that means that you can blame me for Cammy "no longer" having her Leotard - but well. So, is that a Light? A speck of hope? Anyhow - maybe it's too soon to take credit for SF6's success ... but ... I'd bet that overall ... my idea(s) has(/have) overall been more positive than it may have seemed.

What matters is however less the math of it. Though ... sure ... at the end of the day, it's still what it boils down to. So, if we're talking of divine inspiration, being Gnostic, doing art ... I have a certain expectation. Not only in myself. But still something along the lines of ... winning the culture war.

But I certainly can't make a point for myself - if ... I'm just universally avoided in each and every way possible. Which is I guess why this twist of events meant so much to me; And why I'm now daring to get back into this ... let's call it a cess-pool for now.
Though sure ... I suppose the corruption has ... gone back a little.
Which I think is also a positive note on hope. Things may sure seem bleak at times - but - my impression is that they used to look a lot bleaker.
However that comes about.

But so, in this instance I'm leaning on SF6 as a bit of a crutch. And for more on that, I'm looking at the drive meter and can, at least when squinting a little, see similarities to my "hyper meter". I suppose that has also been one of those controversial ideas - to - have EX moves independent from the Super Bar. I'm not sure what the scope of my idea was, but ... they sure did a bit of their own thing with it.

Which is ... cool. But, I have to now stop myself from accidentally answering some questions.

I mean, one of the points I've been making for a time now is, that I'm not trying to ask uncomfortable things of people. On the surface that might just me being ... shy or ... trying to make it right by everyone - as ... I'm sure some people do ... but beyond that, there's also some greater purpose behind it. It is ... I'd say a diplomatic skill. To ... well ... look for agreements. To capitalize on them and to prioritize them. To so, tie things together where possible - as opposed to ... balls to the wall rushing through each and every wall in the hopes it'll make things better.

Which, in respects to self-sincerety and all that pro-self goodness ... is, as you may have understood, a therapeutic topic for me. And I would share of that, ... . Uhm, in the context of Religion it probably means as much: To overcome your trauma. To not expect to be a subject - that is to abide by the whims of their ruler. Sure, without God it may seem as though it's inevitable - though that again depends on the degree of Enlightenment of the culture you grew up with. And yea, I say that God wants us to be free - and my enemy probably tries to sell you the opposite. Like, sure you can be free - but only to a certain degree - and the extent to which we may, or even must be ... is to conclude in individual freedom rather than an authoritarian hierarchy.

But here - I'd be curious what the actual context thereof is. So, in as far as I can't actually tailor my words to counter any specific belief - I can only maintain mine. Which may make things a little bit more complicated - because I can't just flat out tell you how stupid or complicated your belief is - but, maybe that's not meant to be anyway.

So, I was "pushing" a narrative through the day - and my conclusion has been, that ... I need to take a vacation from this. The point being that the things that concern me have gotten out of control again; And rather than burning myself out I may forego the burning out part and move on to just ... chilling out. Though, sure ... I'd have to write at least 'something'. That may ... in essence just perpetuate the problem. Like, just more things to potentially boomerang right back at me. Which is why I'd have to make a decision and probably employ some discipline to maintain that. If I couldn't actually resolve the problem somehow.

I did eventually hesitate however - as there may be the one or the other thing I'd like to share, or might come to like to share.
But here's the situation: I have 6 weeks until I start an "Arbeitserprobung" - which is in preparation for a school based apprenticeship. So - I'll be occupied with actually ... school and stuff. Then there's still part 2 to my surgery, a corrective surgery - though the clinic isn't taking anyone in until November. That means ... November/December is the soonest I'd get there. Then, maybe I'll also be moving to a new place some time soon. My hopes are on an appartment I've inspected recently - which would be ready to be moved into ... mid-august. And ... if I really want to make the best of the next book - I think I don't have much time to continue posting here. Or I should ... try not to. At the very least do I think that I need time to rethink my life choices - or at least to meditate over it; And things. Like ... everything. That at least is my plan ... as I can't really count on anyone but myself. And if I want to "figure it out" - whatever there is to be figured out, if there is something to be figured out - I don't think doing "Spirit Wars" or rather "Phantom Wars" on this Homepage is helpful.

So - I'll stop this right here - giving myself a little bit of time in case I still have something to get off of my chest - to then close this chapter; As for whatever the next might bring.

Hmm, how about: "Attachments are Bad! Like, Bro's before Hoes - except - this isn't about mating"? I mean, they certainly shouldn't determine your life. Controversial? Well ...

I think you can figure things out. That's a vibe I'm getting, though ... I'm not sure if it's that ... or a hint at a seed I need to plant. Though I suppose, the problems will be the same. Whatever the end of that road will be for you - is ... a you thing. ...

TLDR: I'm trying not to burn myself out and am (trying) taking a break from this - for an indefinite amount of time; Mostly in the sense of rethinking my life's choices - as also in preparation of challenges ahead of me.