To be real

Well ... "I'm not surprised" ... I might say. "Too good to be true" - or something like that - comes to mind. But at least there's ... some kind of a good reason for me to at least ... ... .

There's a lot I could or would write about ... but it's all ... like ... driving me crazy. So, why then is there that urge ... or calling? Well, silly me ... there is one thing ... that seems reasonable.

To not leave you with the impression that ... I'm spiting you. I mean, there's a part of me that would like to. But more so ... because it doesn't care enough; And if spite is what my behaviour were read as ... so be it. I'm ... are there even words? Do I even have a frame of reference for what "good" or "well" is supposed to be? "In this world?".

And you might wonder about what you could add to it, perhaps - just making my heart crack a little more.

Spite ... . In this sense it would ... basically suggest as much as that you had your chance while I'm still a part of this world and ... I don't know what it is that I'm doing here. If there's a 'you' that has some sort of idea ... of what I'm doing for you ... if it's not in line with what I'm actually doing ... thats ... too bad ... I guess.
Something like that. Maybe I'm like ... carried by angels ... through all of the hardships that I must weather - but to what end?
Like ... seriously! It's perhaps a nice story you can tell yourself - and while true, possibly not in the way you imagine. Or want it to be.

But so, I'm supposed to "get it" - that it's just not the time or whatever. And since how many years now? Well, it's not like I haven't accomplished nothing. But given that this topic is that last sane piece of thought in my mind concerning what I'm doing here - ...

But yea. I can't phrase something out. Something that ... by some account I think, ought to be ... like ... yea, the next question you'd want an answer to and ... yea, I ... told you what I think about that.

But then it's like ... why? Why do I have ... "this power"? And I'm like ... "what power?". And you're like "this and that" and I'm like "so what?". It's like ... why can bottles be used to smack someone over the head? Which yea, reminds me of that movie. "The Gods must be crazy". Where some dude throws a coke bottle out of a plane, it lands in some village of natives, and to them it's like a godsent gift that can be used for all sorts of things.

So, why am I getting these stressors - if not to ... "answer each and every one of your questions?". Well - who knows? I suppose it has helped me so far. But the thing is - if you keep on having those - making them 'my' problem - they'll keep coming. And at some point ... you'll have to figure things out on your own.
Like, you've gotten used to it - or some of you. And my impression is, that ... at some pointt his ... whole ... "questionaire" ... would amount to a library of books yet to be written. That is ... let's say ... what "my powers" tell me about that.

And I'm sure you've heard something along the lines of "given the little finger, they've taken the whole hand".

In terms of parenting I suppose that means that ... no matter how you twist and turn it, a child is inevitably getting conditioned in a way that requires of them, one way or another, to let go and move beyond.

And I suppose all one can do at that point, is hope (give or take), that that doesn't turn into a villain arc.

Powers ... . How wrong could I be about things? I mean ... what they tell me is that people want things of me, that I get upset over it, they insist nonetheless, time passes - and ... maybe we might be meeting half-way somehow. I don't know.
Like - I'd insist that I don't have the time for a normal life. People be like: "Well, shouldn't God make time?" - and I'd be like "sure" - and yea, it works - but - subsequently my life lies in shambles. I'm lonely, poor and my room is a mess.

I basically almost died from depression; and another time almost from dehydration. So, ... "tell me more!"

However, it's all supposed to somehow be in my best interest I suppose - but what I see, is that you're weak - brainwashed - and emotionally dependent on people that only abuse you - lest you get a mind of your own and actually do something useful.

That however is this neat little "psychiatry episode" I'm stuck in. We might say. You might think that I shouldn't ... be on the way I'm on. I suppose. That I should try to be bold and just say no to that. To ... do what?
I've been trying to code ... to work on this and that ... yet at some point ... God would shut things down. Or somehow I'd be locked out of making progress. Now, you might be trying to tell me this and that ... like "I have to own my powers" or whatever - and to me it sucks that you can't see how right I am.
So I do my thing, I'm under the impression that people get it - and then they turn towards the Enemy and are like: "what are we supposed to do?". And ... sure, I eventually have to tell you to stop doing that. I suppose. If that's even ... what's happening.

Now, I would have turned towards my own ... meditating and figuring things out ... self-actuating, but noooo ... I'm still here, stuck telling you stuff about ... whatever.

Sure, I'll "own my powers" and then what? Shoot fireworks out of my arse?

And like so, I'm at a point where I've basically given up hope in you. Whatever this "you" might be. It doesn't ... exist for all I care.
And I'm sure that if you think sharply about it - you'll figure out that it is true. Whether "you" actually exist or not. I can't keep doing this - and maybe it's time people 'actually' listened to me.

Hmm ... . On a different note - I might be supposed to just hang in here. Sure, is also ... within the circle I've drawn around myself. Like so, I just don't get what people want from me.

But yea, maybe this is ... a bit weird for ... "outsiders" to understand ... which is ... even more problems. To say that "you" in particular might just not be the only one I'm concerned about at large. And if you think you can't do without me ... well ... maybe that's supposed to tell you something.

But so it goes. Feelings. I suppose. Like ... a "hold on". A "wait". As if God were ... telling you whether ... it's time or not. Because ... you might ... contaminate whatever it is I'm supposed to do or figure out. Yea, that's ... one of the many echoes that fall into this narrative.

The thing that "so far" has apparently worked out rather well. Except ... whatever happened happened the way it did - because it had to. Not because it couldn't have happened any other way. At least ... I would like to think that. And yea, at that point, you might just be your own enemy. I've stopped trying to cross that threshold because I had to understand how little I knew or understood about things. And I learned that I had to stop guessing. Being a victim to the phantasms of my mind - and what I'm doing here ... is slowly turning into one.

And yea, if you did the same - you'd have to see that I'm actually ... quite real and ... all it takes is for people to take that seriously.

So - I suppose that some of you want to ... do a presentation of sorts; And for that to work out, I have to play my part. I have to fit in. But ... I figure ... Jesus might have a thing or two to say about that too.

It's weird ... that I have to believe that some people think that I'm the one in this story that has to come to their senses.
And yet I don't see ... what it is ... that should ... do the trick.
But ...

There's ...

One more thing

or two. I mean I figure I might try to get us all onto the same page in as far as that's possible - so, a summary might do the trick. But to do so properly would require me to try and make sense of this mess - and like so, I rather leave it to your ability to piece things together.

But yea. I'm alone. I don't have a cult or anything. There's one person I more or less maintain contact with ... and there I wonder too what it is she might think of me.

Yet, there so is ... let's call it a collective ... that bothers me the most. Which might just be ... 'the sad crux' of the story. Similarly ... some people are in a better position to help me than others - and a part of that were to somehow tie all the threads together. And I guess ... this is how ... I have no other option. There's nothing else ... left. So, there's one last thing on my mind. There so have been a few things ... like mission objectives ... that somehow took hold in my mind. That I should share my progress on here was one of it. And I suppose ... I'll maintain that - though ... let's not get there right now.

I mean, like so I got to this point - like so you have my two books and the reading sample - and a part of my problem is that I think I need more time - before I can actually share things worth the while. Writing about each and every brainfart probably ain't it though.

And one other mission objective was to write a Wishlist of sorts - without which ... things couldn't move on, or ... had to somehow be shared before ... "the end" or whatever.
And so ... back then ... I tried. I wrote about what wishes I had ... and then felt terribly sorry and ashamed. But recently it popped up again ... following some ideas ... so, like, what it is that I'd be expecting of "you".

[Cries in hopelessness]

I mean ... I guess it makes sense. But somehow ... . I mean, I feel like I'm drawing on my last ounces of strength here. Which is however a feeling I had for quite some time ... ever so often.

But ... uhm ...

I get ... some kind of feeling sometimes ... that ... "it would suck" ... if a few things were missing - from whatever it is you'd be encouraged to do. Like so, I want a room, I want an office and I want a workshop. I want someone to hold me at least a little bit to some kind of schedule. Like so I want a kitchen that's like a shared thing - because, to be real, I have very erratic eating behavior. Things I'd normally want I eventually am not in the mood for - and like so my fridge turns into some kind of cabinet of curiosities.
And anyway ... it's in some sense at the heart of the future. As along the lines of moving away from being too individual.

Then I'll need a Manager of sorts to keep track of my appointments. I wouldn't mind someone just hanging around for some kind of social media presence - and also some kind of secretary that could read my mind as to know what I need when I don't know what I want. These wouldn't be 24/7 positions - but I suppose I'd also have to go places ... and to be serious ... someone versed in the excentricities ... could be fun!

So would I think there to be an "all of that" - being a group of people that is more or less constantly around me. For gravitas I'd want a cozy home - which is like ... at least a private living room ... and it is at this point where my mind turns towards swine stuff. I mean ... I'm not sure what else ...

But yea, maybe this isn't ... the kind of stuff ...
Anyhow ... I'd like our Headquarters to be here in Stuttgart.


Uhm ... well. So, what is 'the Mission'? I ... after I was baptized ... I had an urge to share. I tried to compile what got me there ... and then I learned more and I also had to share that ... and thus ... everything took its course.

I come to think of it ... because ... I figure that people find themselves in a similar spot now ... and maybe it doesn't make immediate sense ... to not maintain this kind of outward pressure. Like, if we so just did our thing without trying to also share ... and get more people on board ... what are we ... ? But then, on the other hand - if we focus on growing without actually having a thing to grow ... we run at risk of ... not ... finding a way to make sense, or how to put it.
Which is I think the crux of the issue. I mean ... I ought to be something ... akin to ... radiating all the answers ... and all the facts one could hope would be there so ... all that were left to be done were to "debate bro" our way into a better tomorrow.
But ... the deceptive thing about that is ... that it's somewhat fake.

I mean ... if there's a kind of "we" - authenticity were ... to be that. And at any point where you'd have to make a case for how I'm like ... remotely coordinating everything ... you're probably somewhat at odds with my part of the story.

But sure - I mean. If I were in a position to be having the naughties all day long ... I could still have an urge to express a few thoughts; And that had to be respected and ... wouldn't change much about what people had to just believe ... as it were.

But so is there the fear. That ... you'd have to present your belief as in something that isn't "done" yet. Though you have to believe that what made you believe - when shared by enough - and at all - makes it easier for others to see it - and the rest is really just history ... one way or another. So yea, then there's strength in numbers - I suppose. Which you might want to grow as much as possible before ... going any further. And to that end ... well ... I can't tell you a lot.

Like so am I torn also ... between ... maintaining my role here - and urging you to ... put me out of my misery.

Well, yes. That part is yours to figure out - as ... you're free to talk about whatever you please. Same with actions. The way I'd handle it - or ... if I narrow things down to what I ... see as "mine" ... I'd try to settle into a home - first working on tieing things together. And things would somehow evolve from there.

And this is me ... done for the day.