My Pronouns (Trigger Warning: Pronouns)
So ... it's no secret that I'm trans. And my understanding didn't encompass a necessity for any kind of pronouns outside of
the ordinary. There used to be male and female - and being trans was merely a matter of belonging to the other. That squarely
fit my conditions - hence, after acknowledging that to myself, really, it didn't take long for me to transition. Upon looking
back I realized that I wouldn't want to go back, I found peace with my inner child and the day my gender transition was
officially recognized was one of the more happy days of my life. In that respect, having moved to my new apartment - this
place - would be a second on the list (chronological order) in 'those kinds' of happy moments. When it comes to the surgery,
there is still stuff left to do, so it isn't on that list yet. And Orgasms are a different topic entirely.
So, I was a she. She/her. And, people addressing me that way ... made me feel real. It still does. But ... there is some
kind of a ... but. I think the most amount of gender euphoria I've gotten out of being referred to as a woman, comes from
that fashion vendor inside of Baldur's Gate (Baldur's Gate 3) - even so that the first times around I was a little bit
shocked; Followed by some kind of awakening that had also haunted me in real life so far. Though perhaps awakening is the
wrong word. It's been only a few moments ago, that I came to admit to myself, that the term 'woman' does maybe do some
heavy lifting when applied to me. And I don't think that really counts as an awakening. I mean, I've struggled with this
issue for some time now - never fully understanding what to make of it. I guess it only gets to me, as I realize that
people struggle when using female pronouns on me. The occasional 'he' slip doesn't always come first. People eventually
correct themselves - but I also see the heads-up that people basically need to sufficiently respect my pronouns. Or, 'standard'
pronouns. Being myself a woman, when speaking of the binary. And that may be the first thing to consider.
When talking of the binary, so, we're not really talking of a binary. We're talking of a rigid dichotomy that yet exists on
a spectrum, leaving space for a third in-between. Some people may exclude themselves right then and there. I myself would say
that I'm as much a woman as it gets when it comes to that.
But, gender is a social construct. Secondarily at least. And that doesn't only mean that we have some control over it, it
also means that we do not. I mean, to say that we or anyone has the right to mandate what it is, or ought to be, isn't only
audacious, it might also come from an amount of hubris. And the "ultra woke" are as much guilty of this, though I guess
things have kind of cooled down a bit, as the ultra conservative types (and it seems like they're only getting more and
more heated up over this).
What control we have over the social construct is a matter of our own individual presentation at first. And the way that
people read it, by and large, is ... we might say: The effective social matrix that "makes up" that which we refer to as
'the social construct'. And it'd be unfair of me to suggest that people misgender me on purpose - or to imply it as a fault
of them. They character, intentions and/or what have you.
But where does that leave me?
I would first and foremost blame my presentation. I'm dismayed by the fact that my voice is so deep that people struggle to
regard me as "Ms. Sonnberger" when conversing over the phone. But people have misgendered me although I haven't spoken. In
circumstances where I don't think there were any visible markers. We're talking winter, scarf, skirt, heels. And such
situations make me feel horrible. Unfortunately so I only feel the way I feel, not seeing the way people see. At best I can
look at other trans-women and see how well they pass. But, apparently I don't belong into that category. Sort of. I mean,
by ways of that one particular instance, I came to look around and a person behind me seemed to be as confused as I was over
being referred to as a male.
And it may just be a theory, but I think that it might go both ways. People who'd refer to me as a woman slipping into the
male, as much as people who'd refer to me by male pronouns slipping into the female.
And sure - my voice does play a role there; Yet I've often been told that it's either not it or that it's fine.
So, when now a videogame Character respectfully refers to me as 'Madamme' or what, and yet some inner urge wants to raise a
finger to rebut that, I should eventually realize that the problem might be an internal one. But how would I go about
convincing myself. It seems impossible, because - when I, on and off, find myself on some crossroads - I feel a resistance
coming from within, to more thoroughly lean into the feminine.
And I think there's something about me, that doesn't want to be shoved into a box like that. And after one person who had
slipped into using male pronouns on me corrected themself, and a second time to append 'or it [chuckle]', I recognized that
it doesn't feel wrong.
And therefore I think that when asked about my pronouns, the correct answer ought to be:
You may also refer to me as your/her highness. But since I suppose being paid as much respect would require me to return
that in kind, I think that for when that gets tiring, she/it does suffice.