No time for Sexy Time
Books consist of many pages - and if the many facets of reality were boiled down into a page for each,
how many would there be? And how might one person capture it all?
Mayhap there is an advantage in Chaos to be found here - and yet is it severely lacking in what
it does not hold.
Balance is a delicate thing. Something that I at times find difficult to maintain. But I guess that
without the right context there is no real meaning to those words. And that context ...
Well. In the past, back when most of what I did went into a gallery - provided by that picture and video
sharing service the host?provider?what'sitcalled? of this domain used to offer - I had to realize that
at times I would grow sickly. Sickly of my doings to which the only remedy was sexual. Pornographic.
And between avoiding it for some sense of common decency and diving into it for sakes of my own - I
can't say that I always got it right.
But that isn't really what I want to write about. Although, in a sense, it is what led me to write
So, really I didn't know what to write about. But the time I spent then not writing came with
insights that re-enforced the idea that I still should.
Oddly enough now ... one of the insights concerned a thing that had occurred to me recently. Nothing I would
really link to Sexuality, but ... looking at it so ... it does make a certain sense that way.
So have I been beholding ... well, what to call it? Technically, objectively, it are emotions. I myself
would describe them as desires. As for the context here, I'd associate them to a void. Someone else
might describe them as a fancy. Or whatever - using brighter or more friendly colors. Wishes. Dreams.
And it might seem cynical to have the latter be associated to a void. But that is also somewhat ignorant,
for it were others that would assign a label such as 'dream' to something that I call a void.
So, as a void seeks to get filled - it solicits ambition from the dreamer. Now, whether you experience
that as something demanding, or something akin to fertile grounds ... I suppose lies in the eyes of the
And yet - at times - one way of looking at a particular thing may be more truthful than others. Whether
or not a Dream is a destructive chasm of demands and nothingness - that isn't up to the dream as much as
it is down to the dreamer. Though sometimes there may also be other factors in play. Or truths to
I mean - I think we live in a time where the dreams of old are waning. Holding on to them is as holding
on to a cancer that is ravaging this world. And yet I'd argue that it is neither dream nor dreamer that
are at fault here. Well, except for the part where ... it's due. It are the conditions in which the
matters of relevance have shifted - so that that which used to be aspirational has turned into
Similar so ... these desires. Or fancies. I suppose they're of a kind that used to get satisfied by
things such as movies, books and games. Fantasy. Harmless fun that is however also slowly drifting
into being a kind of ignorance.
And what I feel there, is more akin to a void than what it ought to be. Desires that find no
satisfaction - thus perhaps turning into a kind of frenzy that is searching for an answer, but
all that is being found are facades beyond which the wealth of it all falls apart.
But it's not merely a desire for entertainment. Maybe more specifically escapism - but regarding that,
an escapism far beyond merely ... getting lost for some amount of time. It's more like a thirst for
reality. Things that maybe didn't seem to be absent - or just weren't absent. Sometimes reality can be
insidious like that. It's like ... there being an ice-cream stand that you really like. And for years
you'd go there and enjoy the ice cream. Until one day you learn something about the ice cream, the
stand or its owner - whatever - that really ruins the taste for you.
Or sometimes it's more mundane. Like, on and off I'm really into Coke. The ... lemonade. Sure, specifically
the Coca Cola brand. But after gobbling up an uncertain amount of it - something about it starts to taste
off. I suppose it's the sweetener or whatever. I just get some kind of acidic taste in my mouth, it starts
to taste toxic somehow ... and so that phase ends.
So, maybe there was a lot to enjoy, to explore, to learn and to share - but, so I suspect, now people slowly
get to wake up from it, realizing that ... these weren't necessarily things grown or born from a healthy
society. Not that anything was wrong with or about it - but - I'd say that as we look up and around, instead
of a healthy society to engage with ... we find a world in shambles. But, that's not really part of the
More to the point do I feel as though people are looking for something; Something that the depths of fantasy
however cannot provide. Something that is also ... neither specific nor unspecific. Defined or undefined.
It eludes ... ones ability to conceive, conceptualize and comprehend. And maybe so, because it is anti
fantasy. Something that may be specific, but can by definition not be found as a fantasy. So, yea,
essentially I'm just saying: Touch some Grass! Maybe ...
I should know. Sometimes I get stuck, wondering what to do; Well knowing that what I should do - also being
the best I could do - is to sleep.