Some kind of a Plan
So - what's up?
I'm not entirely sure what's going on. Inside and outside of me. Surely I have clues - hints and hunches - but I also
can't truly distinguish between my own wishful thinking and its effects on me; And what's actually real. Well, outside
of the things that clearly are real.
Logic can also only help me so much. And in that vein, I'm now taking it upon myself to ... go on on a bit of a hunch
here. Or, well ... an inspiration more to the point. Though I suppose there's really not much of a way for me to tell
whether it's an inspiration or just a brainfart.
So, the thing for me is, that in as far as my reality is concerned, none of my efforts actually led to anything. The
whole thing from beginning to end might just as well not exist. Including the whole Matrix Phenomenon - which ... sure
does exist but it's ... you know, as though it doesn't.
But I also don't know what to do about it, while some tingly something in my mind keeps telling me that everything is
A-OK, all according to Plan or whatever. And it sure is getting a little bit ... weird, thinking of how long this has
been going. I mean, I don't know for how many years now my birthday has been a moment of anticipation, therefore the
time leading up to it a time of preparation; Such that the disappointment won't really ... mess me up.
And yea, it's like 2 1/2 weeks to go still - and ... maybe that just has me a bit ... on edge? But I don't think so.
I've gotten used to it ... and up until today I wasn't really thinking about it. Outside of the ordinary ... constant
background noise or how to call it.
But I have to wonder ... . What's ... going on?
It certainly is difficult to know or understand if there's something I could do or should do if I don't know what's up.
I mean, the thing that bothers me the least is the "it's all good" interpretation. But that still doesn't tell me
... what I'd care to know. Like, what's ... the plan?
So far I convinced myself that there's some reason - like ... not wanting to start something before we're in a good spot
for doing so. I mean, even if that were a wrong read of the situation, it would still ... effectively hold true. Because
obviously we weren't in a good spot for anything.
But now I'm not so sure. I mean, for once - I have an oddly hard time verbalizing these things, but I don't know why. And
I recall that it has been a somewhat consistent obstacle. And sure, perhaps I shouldn't bother - but I guess ... right now
this is my way of coping with it.
So, on the other hand I have to assume that "y'all" don't have much of a clue. Being somehow stuck between your real life,
whatever little bit of this trickles through and ... stuff. I mean, perhaps just stumbling around thinking that 'someone'
ought to do something sooner or later. It is here that I think that God would also just ... interfere in one way or another;
But that would then be a problem as it'd clearly only make up for a lack of awareness of the situation.
Anyhow - that also leaves me with my trusted conclusion to this back and forth. I don't know what to tell you!
What to tell you?
So, in summary, I would like to believe that whatever these concerns try to get at, it's about things that are out of my
hands. That would entail that you got to figure out whatever it is that applies or matters to your situation. That for
once is your part to the story, including that part of MY story, if there is such a thing. So, in a simple way, there's
the assumption that you got things handled. That you vaguely know what you're doing. Like, whatever range of sensible
concerns there may be that I have no ways of reasonably considering, that were on you.
In then other terms, what I don't like to believe is that ... I somehow have to figure something out ... yet. As to then
tell you what to do.
It did however occur to me, that there's a bit of an overlap. It goes a little something like:
What I would like you to do
There is some kind of a thread, we might call it 'the Golden thread', woven into my correspondence thus far. A term that
comes to mind to name it is 'self-efficacy'. It vaguely corresponds to the "go touch grass" sentiment, "have you been
outside?", and that whole 'live your life' or 'learn to live your life' thing that has a significant overlap with the
whole "validate your individuality" angle.
More specifically is it about learning how to live life as in the now, as opposed to getting stuck in theory, hypotheticals
and all the other "yields" from overthinking things.
To which concerns I can give you a "trust me, I've been there!". But to give you a good outline of what "there" is, the
issue would start with a well meant, reasonable plan. You'd put time and effort into seeing it to an end, but at that
end you find yourself confronted with a whole lot of issues thus far not considered. That then turns into a runaway effect
that consumes your life; Until you've loaded more issues upon yourself than you could reasonably handle.
As for what good there is therein, you have to learn how to balance those efforts out in a way that leaves room for
the life itself. In a way of saying: "Learn to see what is right in front of you" - which, as intended, is possibly a
rather complicated proposal and easier said than done.
In resonance with the topic here, one thing that has come to my attention in a way is the possibility that there's like ...
the absence of a plan of how to take [the efforts] over into [effect]. Like, the first step. Which, in turn, is probably
supercharged with expectations and all the exotic implications those might spawn. Hereto I might try to provide context,
saying that I'd just continue as before hoping that it'll somehow "feed the engine" to a conclusion - and I can't argue
that this isn't in some way a good plan.
On the other side of that I'm however worried - as previously stated. And I reckon that the best way forward - which is
in a way at odds with being prudent about it - is to not see it as some kind of crusade. Or game of YuGiOh!. So, you
certainly might want to get a grasp of what to say, but whatever that might be - seeing what is in front of you should
take you to whatever you would say ... right now. And the more you think about it, the more you'd also take that into
the mind's equivalent of deep space.
That isn't entirely nonsensical, but there then is a certain artifice that comes with it that potentially further relies
on more and more specific circumstances in order to be of any vital significance. Which would then be where "the Plan"
would fall apart ... and you'd be stuck wondering ... what the Plan is.
In that scenario the position is also pretty much one of you maintaining a secret - and the more that this condition
festers, the more you'd also respond to the concern that you might have been wrong in holding things back. I won't
say that you are - but that I'm concerned of what pitfalls that way entails.
That, sure, is assuming that there even is some kind of 'community' that we might speak of, as opposed to being a more or
less random amalgamation of people yet coming to terms with things.
Anyway, to me it has been a matter of effort, to get my head out of that ... mindset where I'd have to have some final
answer for everything. Or how to put it. The thing being that I'm trying - and it's always a bit of an extra thing to do,
specifically - to effectively "recenter" myself "in the now" - and highlight the options that exist in it - as opposed
to what maybe might be in some future.
And I think that this at first may feel ... uncomfortable. And sure enough, I've indulged in that comfort for a long time;
Maybe enough for it to have saturated me to a point where I might comfortably ... step outside of it.
So, on the upside - you may come to refine your thoughts, thus cutting down on the verbosity of your presentation. Let's
say. One may dream ... I guess. On the other side ... I think it's very aligned to the ways of the world. ???
I mean - on the one hand it is merely by circumstance that there's an in-group and an out-group. "Coming Out" will always
maintain that line in a way - maintaining that becoming part of the in-group comes separate from whatever kind of public
image we provide. Though there might be an ambition to make us not look like a sect or a cult.
Anyway ... there so is ... a lot that one might consider. And all that perhaps in a way of not doing the "one" thing
that does thereby end up not being considered. Which is ... to just do it. I mean - people can talk with me without
telling the world what about and why. People can share "this and that" without right away having an answer to whatever
questions or theories that might arise from it. The things that are ... just are. What stays stays - and what's fleeting
will vanish eventually. And it is in this ... just doing it ... where all the "bad" of it is concentrated. The discomfort
of the risk involved. The uncertainty of what might come from it. The displeasure of maybe standing somewhere you might
regret to stand in hindsight. And possibly more. And I suppose all of it can be inverted - as against itself. Like ...
not "just doing it" might have you standing in a place you might not want to be standing at ... in hindsight. You might
regret not having taken the risk. And such. Considering these things in a way that make you feel uncomfortable about not
"just doing it" is at least possible - and all I can do to somehow facilitate that - for whenever you might come around
to it - is to offer you ... safe ... channels.
I mean, the main reason why I'm reluctant to do more than I'm doing is that tremendous amount of uncertainty that is
grounded on absolutely no guarantee of any kind of success. I mean, I'd set out to make contact with someone whom I
then would need to convince of an enormous amount of things - at least relative to what short time I might have to get
my point accross. And I don't think there's anything I could say in such a short time that wouldn't just sound crazy.
You on the other hand wouldn't even need me per se. The most simple way would be to just talk about it. And everyone can
just come around to it in an "on their own terms" kind of way.
Either way, I don't want to really tell anyone to do anything. But I also don't want people to get lost somehow. At the
end of the day then ... that leaves me back where I started. And that's OK I think. It's pretty much my point. And if
this whole thing fell short in one or the other way, yea, apologies and also ... that's probably going to be more so
the norm going forward.
The end ... of the day.