A dizzy awakening

I still feel a little ... weird. Like ... I don't know what to think. I mean, as a matter of me and "you" - where "you" are generally just a wall I'm speaking to - I don't expect much in return. And that, quite frankly, might be better than what's kind of going on out there with real people. At least it won't gaslight me.
But sure - the wall is the wall and the hopes is that there's more. Which is like ... the question. A wall is a wall and can't do much. And maybe I should just see it for what it is and stop trying to look past it.

A wall won't be moved or swayed by anything I have to say - and so, let's take it into my head.

First of all, I've now done it all. Well, Crystals isn't complete in the sense that I want it to be more and in the sense that there's still stuff I have built over the time that isn't in there yet. But also, scavenging through my old stuff ... it's weird. Like - the stuff I'm looking for, so far, has all been hidden away by me - it seems. Like, I try to find something I know is or should be in there somewhere, but it's like ... meticulously removed from everything - and then when I look at it, I come to find that I'd be better off rewriting it. Something about mixing fabrics or fixing old stuff with new cloth. The only things I really just copied are individual function classes and "system" stuff.

I suppose the issue is that some things are just stuck in their own way of things. Like, much of Libra is - if the system were to be rebuilt - invalidated. And as of that comes, I suppose, a "natural tendency" to build things in a way that can survive those transitions. So, importing some old stuff would mean to apply some of that same logic or at least somehow adapt to it. I think the verse goes the other way around though. Though fixing old stuff with new cloth in IT ... seems to be OK.
Hmm ... whatever. It never really made sense to me and I must assume that the exact words are lost to time.
Or it really just is the idea that ... some things are incompatible although they technically are the same thing. So, we're not talking about old+new in a stylistic sense, but old and new in a qualitative sense that clearly separates one and the same thing from itself. Like, you don't put old mustard on a new bagle - although sure, you definitely don't care for as long as both are still fine; But from a chef's perspective you don't. Maybe you do because mustard isn't like that, but you get the idea.
At least the one I'm trying to convey. But if that's ultimately ... well, who knows?
But I also must note that ... throughout all these years, I haven't ventured far beyond what we have now.
There's always been something ... -_- ... holding me back which may or may not have something to do with a particular function that's barely ever being used but in one particular thing.
But no, the story goes back further than that. I mean, the ion functions as they are, are also relatively new. Hmm ... I might check later. The most that I've come to build over the years are semi functional editors. And eventually throughout the process I would come to a point where the idea I had to solve a particular problem was to somehow fundamentally reconstruct everything; And somewhere in that process I would lose track of things.
And then time happens.
So, in a way all that I've ever built just barely extended beyond "the core" of it - but thinking back I also built the most complex end results in the beginning of it all. I mean ... my first 'real' project ended up having two distinct "modes" or screens - and in the one I was able to enter a separate (3D Editor) environment while also importing files and placing them in the environment. Well, floor tiling and pillars. Using "Draw Lists" if anyone knows what that is. And then adding a simple if(){} crashed the program. And I suppose there wasn't anything really wrong with my code. But ... eventually I agreed on an interpretation of the situation that has me now look back at its flaws - so, when thinking of having a project with multiple screens I now think more specifically of a system to manage two separate modes of a thing rather than just using one function over the other. I mean, it's more complicated than that still.
I mean - because ... at the end of the day there's still the shared space.

And immediately I get a "why don't you just ... ?" - which is really ... why? I suppose it's just wind. I explained a problem - now I pointed to the realm in which I think the solution is and then I get a "why don't you just look into the space and solve it?" - which is, yea, the wall gaslighting me ... hmm. So, all I'm saying is that ... .

Maybe that's pointing to a bigger issue of sorts. I mean, me only ever writing about it - that would leave room for imagination to fill out the blanks. Like ... why don't I just solve the problem instead of starting over? Well, I've wondered that myself a couple of times. But eventually I found it to be easier to focus on a fresh idea without all the old clutter hanging around.

And speaking of the "last thing" that bugged me before going open source, well - to speak of it as a thing that happened for a reason that is now visible within the project, it was me taking a step back to rethink the whole screen arrangement - and while I don't have a solution per see I have created enough room for it. So, the idea to not look for a "how do I now get the screen into my project" separated a thread of ambition as it were that then allowed me to work around it without killing the room for it. Does that make sense?
I know from experience that when people ask that, they also tend to overexplain. But it's not always easy to figure out what is and what isn't 'easy to comprehend'.

At least that then kind of cauterized this "problem" out of me, which then is a way of looking at me instead of the code. Or, "the function of me" - which would in this sense be 'ambition' perhaps. And counter to that stands experience. And to be careful about what I have, the truth is very well that I didn't undergo a professional education in which I would have certainly learned the one or the other trick that would have prevented the one or the other mess that I ended up with. And it is also where I have to admit that quite possibly I had been in over my head. Well. I mean, to be fair ... part of what drove that initial program, like much of what ended up working to some capacity, was to satiate some curiosity. And in this early instance I was concerned about performance. But back then as now I don't have a proper way to measure that. I mean, my hardware is/has-usually-been on the outdated side of things ... so, if it works on my end it should be fine ... is probably good enough.

And so ... what are we looking at?


Well - that's the thing. The story I've been trying to tell you so far, is that somehow my project was hijacked. By God. I must assume. And I think that a part of the story is(/must be) that you got that - and hence ... you'd be anxious to know what it's all about. Such as to perhaps gauge whether or not that story checks out. And maybe for a while you'd belive that this ion bug was there to simulate a mystery bug and thus convince you of this story that way.

Maybe the real mystery is how it didn't cause enough problems to ... . I mean, I had fixed it before. Twice maybe, even.
I mean - once a long while ago, then just recently, and then again.

But yea. I am glad that ... it is what it is now and not what it used to be. And I suppose it was agonizing enough as it was, so, the possibility for more of that isn't really enticing. And if that were the choice I'd be making ... I'd go for less. But that's ... the thing, isn't it? A singular choice can eventually be presented from a multiplicity of angles, each invoking a different set of possibilities to project a different set of outcomes. And it's surprising to me how much of it actually seems to work on semantics and semantics alone.


And in as far as we can maintain things to remain within the semantic outlines - uhm, something. Something about control. Where ... the uncertainty of reality can be reduced the more of the environment that you can control. And I suppose I'm more on the side of ... not wishing all that much good on the system we live in, depending on how you look at it of course.

But sure - in the battle of good versus evil, God versus the Antichrist, there is God on the one side - in how He wants to be. And there is the Antichrist on the other, who exploits that. So, God doesn't speak for Himself out loud, so the Antichrist claims to talk in His place. He calls himself Father ... and for centuries ... that has kind of ... just worked out somehow.

And I don't know what it is you're doing, but you seem to love it.
So, who am I? To you? Then?


It's like ... yea. Fascism isn't for Good people. I mean - you might tell yourself that you create a safe world for the people you Love. Good people. But let's face it. Those good people ... if they find out what's going on ... they wouldn't be too happy about it. And then ... they become a danger to the system. So, it's not a place for good people!

You can argue about good and justice and righteousness all day long - if it only works for the bad guys, you're not doing it right!

So, am I a good person? Well, what have I done, really, truly, evidently, that would justify the scorn I'm getting? Well, why am I here, alone in my room, arguing with a wall?


I mean, we could then have the conversation about the quality of my code. It's like an old tale - I must assume - a point of mockery perhaps - since, the more time that passed by, the more likely I'd just fall behind outnumbered and outscaled.

And so, yea - eventually it couldn't have been about that either. I mean, however often I said that I'm not really working on it - I would try to communicate that it isn't really a thing. That it now is a thing is nothing short of a miracle. He said that I could do it, I gave Him the benefit of the doubt ... and now here we are?

I mean, sure - it's not perfect and depending on how you wanna look at it ... almost everything is missing ... but yea, the thing is ... in how much I'm struggling to say what it is I want to stress that if you have an idea of what this is, should, needs, wants or whatevers to be ... if it isn't satisfied within the code ... couldn't have come from me.

But sure, it's a work in progress. Matter of fact: I think that "well, now that I have this I could also try and do that" ... and for as long as I realize that I can't ... because I still have to get back and work on the thing ... I'm not truly done for all that I personally care. But ... what is it?

I mean - I once tried to build an Operating system. Let's ... put it that way. Past tense. But I assume nobody really cared about what I was actually trying to build. And I don't know how or why, but somehow it feels like this thing has become the crux of everything. Imposed upon me. I once said a thing and now if I don't do it I'm a fraud forever and always.
But yea, about that ... make it "Bring down the Antichristian Empire" and we can talk about it!

Like ... why it wouldn't work.

I mean, I hate to admit it but people are sucking it up ... and I don't see how God or I ever thought to put an end to it.

I mean, I once thought I had an understanding ... and I'm not beyond assuming that I may be at fault - but as said ... my hope ... I mean, it's rekindling every once in a while, but that's in about it.

I mean, I was afraid of this day because all I'd get was the next excuse and the whole thing would have been for nothing. But yea, it's not really done either - but about that ...


Of course what I want is the best most awesome thing ever. Or, I want to tell a story via a videogame, where really I just want to enjoy the process of building and fleshing out the world. And before I sound too whiny and confused about it all - I mean, the act has to adjust to the circumstances - I have a strong desire to build all the tools myself. Now, if you want to take offense in that, be my guest!
Let me just dig a hole real quick and put a carpet on it.

I mean - there's other stuff going on here and there and everywhere, so ... welcome to the maze you may not have noticed for a maze just yet. I'm Nicole, your guide ... sotospeak. (Muahuahuahua). Don't mind that.
Like ... paranoia. Something has been tickling my senses and it mirrors a steep lack of understanding about how computers work. And ... I come from that world. It was, I suppose, merely a lack of parenting and a deep fascination for entertainment technology that took me to a point where I had to learn about it. And sure, originally I was very adamant to ... keep the code holy. Like, I would pass a macro to the compiler just so that the first letter in the code could be an A. But I understood that I understood enough about it to further try and build stuff - and as mentioned previously, sortof, the only thing that kept bugging me was the question for whether or not the computer could perform. Or, conversely, how to make it perform.

And I guess that's why "we" then also keep talking about prejudice, preconceived bullshit, keeping an open mind and all that. But if you closed your thing to the one thing that that's ultimately supposed to be good for, it's all kind of just ... nothing. Barely worth the notion. I mean, seriously. You might as well spit into my face directly, if it weren't too much effort.

But yes, understandable yada yada, bullshit bla - talk to my lawyer. We have miracles and everything so STFU and GTFO if you don't plan on fessing up.


But other than computers, there's also God Himself. I mean - how does it work? At which point would I, for instance, need to worry about my life and how long overdue is the assassin to come and get me?

I mean, the way I understand my story - at some point it's inevitable, as is written, that I would need some kind of extra protection. So, conversely I don't have to worry, period. Which leaves me to assume ... how? Which takes me back to square one where option a is option a - and option be is the inevitable end where I would have to worry; And so we're back to the foregone conclusion. It is thus much more likely to me, that however often he/they tried, they got burned - and hence, try to avoid me at all cost.

And yea - I kind of internalized that and ... however the stresses of time may have shaved off the one or the other good or happy quirk of mine, I'm not letting myself be bullied around by them. And if the error isn't on my end, it's on yours - and that's as good as I can hope to accomplish.


What else I am however poised to tell you about is that I personally am ... I mean, there has been a price to this life. I just realize that ... the person I am here is somewhat free, as the truths that matter to me are prominent and well developed. But in the real life, none of that matters. It doesn't exist. And so, in real life, I mostly have to deal with the consequences of my failure; Getting used to being a peasant rather than royalty, used to being alone rather than having people who support me - all of that. Is it punishment or an important life lesson? Who knows ... it's ... what it is.

But yea - so, that's ... that. Who knows what "it" is?


What's even my point? I woke up dizzy ... and ... clearly there's a lot of stuff to digest.
But uhm, yea. It's sabbath and this is one way I can keep myself away from work. Which, I guess ... is a word I can now use with more liberties, confidence and safety. And yes, sure ... you're welcome. I guess.


As of that - I would be happy to put it all under the GNU public license but alas ... we're not doing that. You'll have to ... figure out something else. I'll be very interested to hear about that.

Maybe. I mean - well. So ... . OK. The fact that God did hijack my project is very well a nuisance to me. In ... some way. I mean, for what I try to communicate, it means that what I want to do isn't ... always right. Or I get lost in the habit of ... my ways, I suppose. I then would sacrifice the ambition to get it done, and that's practically a nono.
So yes, it probably pains Him more than it pains me; And that in more than just one way.

Around some edges we might throw in some jokes about domestic abuse - which to some might hit harder than being jokes, like, some I believe actually run on that narrative - but then, what else am I going to do with my life? It's not like God interferes in a way that worsens my situation - quite the opposite. And if all I'm left with is utter boredom and misery, why not ... endure the hard love of God in order to acquire some respite within?


Well, as it stands - this world is a world filled with snakes and hypocrites. Hmm, same thing. So yea - you'd be right to mock me for assuming anything else. It's the catch of this story I suppose. The pickle. But that one shouldn't be a mystery.
Like ... yes. In the sense of where THE actual prophet of THE actual God would still have to contend with THE actual humanity.

And if you're there preaching about how a well spoken word and compassionate manipulation can do wonders in getting people to do what you want ... then think again if that's really what I should be good at. And while you're preaching about it, maybe throw in one or two considerations of THE actual truth and what responsibility each and everyone of us holds in that. Thank you.
And if your take is that it's unknowable, well, that's how lost you are and a sign that you definitely shouldn't be preaching!
And matter of fact: The time that this preaching consumes on either end is also utterly detrimental to the endeavor itself.

But ... where's your righteousness if it cannot act? If it cannot act to give me justice ... what is it good for?
You say then that I did not deserve it or what have you, but in all that you're just saying it: NOPE!

So, I'm not getting it. Like ... it doesn't exist. The mere concept of it. The idea - that I'm in any place other than hwere I should be. And yea, at what point would I have to realize that this is ... the situation between "You" and I?


I mean, you see my story - you see what checks out - so, you figure what SHOULD happen. What SHOULD be normal. And then think about why it doesn't happen. And whether or not that's OK.


So ... that's my rant for now.