One more thing

I just read what I wrote and most of what was on my mind got kind of lost I'm afraid. Which is ... good I suppose. Almost like I knew what I was doing. But to ease your mind, I ... know how to handle that. I mean, the not knowing part is kind of a part of my whole thing. A real thing. And so, because I'm emotionally compromised to the nth degree I don't always know whats right or good and so I must do this as a precaution I guess. At this point I'm working alone. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud, but you should know that.
I haven't signed off on anything relating to "my current situation being OK" - so, if anyone tells you that this is part of a plan that I'm in on ... is a fraud. But you should know that. There may be exceptions, like ... if you bend the word enough ... but those don't count. Like, if I ever signalled to God that "it's OK" - that's different even if by some magic of the word it's the same.

But yes, you shouldn't be concerned about me like ... outside of what is reasonable. I suppose that in first place however my situation/condition is a condemnation at those who are guilty of it. It's a real thing and ... it is what it is. What part of it is systemic is systemic, which means that you're all guilty - in a way that also makes me guilty. I'm trying to change that; And if you're trying to change it too, then you and I can be friends.

For all I care however, the plan is to get the truth out there for people to see and consider it - such as to present a new narrative and debunk the old/evil one. That's the thing and in respects to that I can't tell you that it's OK just walk away and call it whatever. So, if you're asking me. And at that point I don't care about what your explanations or excuses might be. And if that way takes you to me ... then that's where it takes you.
I'm sure of it. Someone, somehow, somewhere ... will have to do it. Either that's mr. Noname but awesome who like singlehandedly did all the work that I couldn't - who will respectfully have to give me time to adjust my worldview, or it's the significantly more awesome but unlikely alternative. Either way I'm waiting and there isn't much that would change either way, for me.


So, what am I waiting for? Well, the first issue is whether or not we can trust our telecommunication enough to say 'e-mail' - but it would be a start. The moment there's even one contact I'd be telling you and I'd have a blackboard for such stuff. You'd have to figure out 'when' the right moment would be for that. And if there's anything I need to do, then I don't know what that is.
Because for all I care you'd be looping me in ASAP. But hence I have to believe that there is no loop.

And sure. I'm the culprit - unless ... there's like these and those. Or maybe I'm just ... getting deceived. But the thing is that like 7 peaks ago I felt like "this has to be the last one" - and a look at my resources has me worry that on the next one I'll find a little stash of goodies because there's still way to go.

I mean, if this were a videogame it'd be fine because it means that there's still content; But a videogame also doesn't make your bones hurt like this. And yea, I have psychosomatic as well as lame ol' normal physical pain.

So, you must forgive me. If this is counter to your sensitivities you'll have to understand that ... I don't have it in me to play or acknowledge this game in any way. Even if it's the right thing, you can't have me on board with it. I'd burn it before stepping a foot on it. Even if it's right and important. I mean, it so fundamentally isn't the way - I suppose I'm more OK with bloodshed.
I mean, on TV it's usually like ... the default assumption that everything that isn't "normal" has to be kept secret for any number of reasons. Usually because it makes the show more believable or fun to watch. But sometimes it's just jarring how "duh" of course "that" has to be kept secret for "whatever" reason.
I mean, I can share the hope or the reasoning that while there's stuff you can do without broadcasting it - then ... sure. Cool. And if you're like physically kept from doing stuff - also cool. But if you're like running into walls to stop yourself from doing something then first of all STOP running into walls!

I mean, I feel things and in my feelings there's this place ... and everything about it is revolting to me.

I suppose it's a show to make me feel weak and helpless. I mean, it's like those Characters try to not get it - so, it makes sense. It's like that ... what's her name ... in Blacklist. I mean, I'm in Season 3 now and it's ... still campy as fuck and utterly ridiculous with I'm sure of no resemblance to reality whatsoever (except I'm sure the Cabal is real and the general backdrop of the show is probably an understatement if anything; I mean, with the head of the FBI being who they are ... I'm not sure if ... OK, I seem to not be dreaming although I have to pinch hard. Maybe I'm just so weak by now ... or it's just the weed. I mean, I'm currently trying to go through a little downturn, but I suppose that I'll be still trying by the time I run out of weed ... so, it might not be the best option. Or it is the solution, ... yes.) ...

But this is - oh, solid ground at last - about your heart. What's it, a circumcision of the heart. Like, how will you justify all the things that you believe without having tested them? It maybe be too broad of a question - and then too much of an ask - but have you even begun? Have you ever considered it to then be on the safe side about what is and what isn't ... doable? In reach? Sane? Reasonable?

I mean - people still would act like God isn't real; And that's because God is God and has been who He was as much as He is going to be God forever and always - which may not be re-assuring at first because He's invisible and all that; But ... the truth is that if God doesn't help you, it according to Him would be a You problem - as it's unlikely to be someone elses problem because they'll have their own shit to handle. As the parable with the ten virgins goes.

And it may be at this point where it would feel rude for people to just jump on board and get all the benefits, but that's not what this is. It's people jumping on board and expect to be treated like they're special while everyone else has more than enough on their hands to also be catering to you. Which then takes me to the question of where "You" would go, "You" who has nowhere to go. The thing is that if you're not prepared ... that sucks for you, is how the parable goes.


Now, if e-mail or such wouldn't work - then there were no easy way to acclimatize me to whatever and you'd kind of have to look forward to some kind of invasion of my personal sphere. Generally I'd be here at home ... if I'd be gone for longer I'd be telling you here ... call it a psychosis if you must but it is so ...; And if you wanna test some waters, there's a green patch right in front of my door that you may or may not get away with turning into a waiting spot. Else there's a like a roofed row of garages with some stairs leading up ... . Here some teens might bother you at best, but it's also a well frequented corner so ... it's not like a bad corner per se.
The police station is also just down the road. Like ... 200 meters tops.

If you can come prepared to the point where you can just do the thing and we can link up so we can be family right away then that'd be nice, I might even let you crash here.
Like, you could help me clean up XD ... . So, heads up.

And everything else I assume would be overkill. I mean, if letting this thing roll around the whole planet and get everyone on board BEFORE that would have to happen, like, if it's like just around the corner - then sure, go for it. I mean, I was under the impression that I would have a part in that; Which I might be having as it is already but still - so, forgive me if that's the case. To me personally it is however a danger to think in these terms. Like - yea, so, of the things that are actually affecting my personal reasoning on such issues - I'm not touching this stuff.
So, there's no hidden agenda or plan - not that I know of - and so I'm not trying to act as if I'm in on more than I am.
Or should. I mean - it's easy to get swayed by maybes if you haven't made up your mind. But as I'm making up my mind - this is like ... where I'm at. Nobody has ever talked to me about it or any alternatives - and so, I'm not sure if there's a thing I ought to be swayed by.


I can handle taking my physical condition as a part of my job and all - but it's not like it came with a written explanation. And in as far as I feel abuse - I ought to take note of that. And if this which is serious is to you but a joke ... or so it keeps ringing in my mind; And I'm not alerted by that, then something's wrong with me. And that something IS definitely wrong with me, whatever it is.

Maybe, or most likely, it's whatever a normal person would do in my place. I'm like incapable of it and thus you're missing all the signals. Like, signals that aren't all up there either, probably.
I mean, they would have been there, like ... 20+ years ago ... . Not sure how far back we need to go, but the plus is a given.
Well, it's almost like I'm used to it.

And a part of me separates me from "humans" in a way that ... makes me a little bit sad. Well, it's an ego-trip fantasy in which I envision myself as the arbiter of your fate based on the experiences I infer as the consequences of your actions. I suppose it's the kind of shit that breaks people and has them go on murder sprees. Which I'm overdue of ... like ... 20+ years.

So, if there's anyone still "waiting for it" ... hmm ... I might get a wrong impression based on that.

Like, is that maybe what you're waiting for, not knowing what it is that you're waiting for?


Well, I suppose I'll have to buy me a hatchet then. I know, I planned on a Samurai sword but I feel like "butcher" suits me better. I mean, no need to put more effort into it than it's worth. I mean, you have to have someone special and then know their history with their victims to understand how to make it entertaining on both ends. And I feel like a random murder spree doesn't quite cut it. But then ... I'm not living in America. So, who knows?
I mean ... about that ... a "small" murder spree such as one person might accomplish wouldn't cut it. I mean, I wouldn't know of a tool large enough; And explosives aren't really ... 'cool'. I mean, it's the opposite - and through and through unimaginative. Like ... who's getting satisfaction out of that? Well, unless it's buildings.
Hmm ... Donald Trump, on a bomb, sitting on a building. That'd work.

Or maybe not just sitting ON it, but more like enveloping it? That's also ... fitting. You know?
I'm sure we can find people willing to do the honors.


Oh yea. Copium. It's nice when you need it. Except it maybe isn't. Well ...

Well, before that we got to feed him ... so we can see the pressure in the facial expression and time the explosion accordingly.
Or maybe not. It kind of has to go independently for ... realest effect. So, we'd have a little ceremony perhaps.
Finally we're just missing a word for it.


And that's ... kind of where I am. You could say that I lost it - and while losing it I figured out whom to blame for my misery; Thus I wouldn't release my anger on the innocent, but channel it untowards where it needs to be.

I mean, we're kind of lucky in a sense that none of the corruption is a big secret at this point. Everyone knows it, we just haven't figured out whether we want to call it a good thing just yet.
Or more so, what to do now that everyone knows it - but ... somehow nothing seems to happen.

And how guilty is Law Enforcement in it? Like, really? I wouldn't put it beyond them to be more guilty than the crooks, but if there were a place to look for the good guys, it'd also kind of be there, wouldn't it?


But well. I don't know. What I see is that as you do you, things go to shit - and I'm not actually willing to take all the blame for it. Not even a little. Now, if you have good reason to believe that it's the right thing to do, well, I hope you're right. I guess. But anyway. I don't like what this does to me either. Maybe it's the loss of my delusions and the exposure to the real that ... just causes some cognitive dissonance; And hiding away from it is my apple of damnation. So yea, this is the thing.

And yes. At some point this may require you to choose. Either to leave someone behind - or don't do it. I mean, it's almost certain - depending on how big of a plip you are on their radar - that you're emotionally compromised to read this situation for a silly joke that ought to not be taken seriously. And you have to find whether or not that's a good or a bad influence. If it's intentional or not. If it's downright malice perhaps. And beyond some point you might be the one in your own way. I'm sure of it. I mean, I've been there and seen how scary it can be to ... take that step. But in my defense ... I'm not keeping my mouth shut nor am I hiding away. I'm hereby officially inviting you even. So, it won't be 'unsolicited'.

And then, maybe it would be best to start with an e-mail. I mean ... no offense in whatever ... might be better, but ... if we're in fact still at square one then it might be best to just ... do the simplest things first.


I mean, the only way that this or Crystals is going to be a thing is if there's people in on it. As far as I'm concerned it's a thing, but as nobody else seems to agree with me, I kind of can't call it that. And this would be the point where magically some money and influence would come raining in - but alas, what do we do if that's not a thing? Like, who is to profit from this?


I mean, I would tell you to do as your heart commands, but ... so the thing. If your heart isn't in the right place - you'll a) do so anyway and b) it's not a good thing. You first have to set your heart onto the right thing and then do it enough for it to take over - and then you're in the place where you can more adequately judge what liberties you want to pursue and which you shouldn't Based on your own asessment for your own good. Peace!