Change of Plans?

Uhm - well. I suppose on one end I'm trying not to get burnt out. On the other I don't know what to do with myself. So, I did the next best thing, which was to get back to it - and ... finish my weed. Well, but what I'm now left with. For a bit I made some progress - if you could call it that, I zoned out for a moment and then like 4 hours later ... I had the faint idea of an identity crisis over what to actually do ... and I guess that the plan is that now that I'm actually in this position where really ... all that's left is a slight nudge and then some features ... I'd take a step back or two and think this out before I try anything. So, that means I'm on a hiatus. I mean, I already started to note a thing down which right away led me to the first thing that's yet left. Which I kind of started on and it was supposed to be part of one of the previous updates; But I then scrapped that because a part of it didn't quite ... sit well with me. So, that's there - and I could try to focus on it now but it kind of makes sense ... there in the list. I don't feel like I can do much good there right now either. Although. I mean, it's possibly something to do while also doing the other thing.

I mean, I've set out to do so a few times already - and this might not be any different. Except that at some point some result will carry over - and that's like ... a reliable function of growth I suppose. Well ... neat!

So yea. As for what I wrote previously, well. I guess the take-away is that I shouldn't try to make any assumptions and I'll just try and do my thing. Which is what I was somehow told I should say here. It mixes a little weirdly with my plans. I mean, I have my flash drive which is where I do my work - I have my desktop where I do this. I have my Chromebook for when I do both - or feel like sitting somewhere else and such. And I have my sources online and archived and floating around - which is fine, so ... I'm quite set for a hiatus or two. Not that there's much progress that would be worth bunkering away. I mean, in the end - it's a fun little gadget and perhaps a cognitive separator of sorts. I mean, on my drive I have barely anything. I don't have a graphical browser, I don't have gimp - the only "graphical" programs are sublime and libre office still.

Here on my desktop I have technically a kde desktop although I didn't really enable it for this account. It feels a little noisy ... though it might be dolphin. Which does however come out right. Ultimately I don't use much of it. I also kind of find nemo better at almost everything, mostly because it's simple. Hmm ... is KDE 3.5 still a thing?
Hmm, how about a script based desktop, where each module is represented by a definition file that pertains to its function, like - what's supposed to be in the start menu.

Anyway. I'll see how far I can get and how things will go. But yea, this is ... round about where I'm at.
About the other thing, well. I can't figure it out, I can't affect it - except by what influence is given to me and to that end you should know which way the wind ought to blow if you ask me. Find your way, one step at a time, whatever ... it's beyond me. And I shall be pleased to see this to be none of my concern because any second I spend here caring about it only worsens my mood and such so I shall do you the favors of trying to cut that out.

Hmm ... I mean, there are things. I suppose. Real things. Things I had not considered or things I had no chance to consider. Things, well - I suppose it's the proverbial snake talking sweetness into my ears, about fairness and rights and privileges; but say that I found nothing in all of this but my feelings getting squandered - and God wouldn't give me any relief until I acknowledged that and turned that against Him for that matter. Like sure, you can say that I get this and that out of it - but do I want that. Like, do I want to give myself bare to people who ... just abandoned me for my life? Who wouldn't budge but have otherwise nothing but demands?
And I don't know who or what but I know how I feel and something's not right. And yea - that makes me feel things and if that's how I feel then that's how I feel - and so, I should share that. And, within all the thinking and rationalizing it gets lost ... neglected.
But so, when I set down here I feel like I am supposed to be strong and ... lay all that aside. And fair ... but when I feel like it only further stresses the very issue I'm supposed to lay aside, ... I don't know. It kind of seems like ... I'm left with a problem. So, are your actually really good and awesome - or are you like lame and in need of a dire awakening?

It would seem like this is the angle. Sure, the latter would only get me mad and sour. But, how do I end up mad and sour if all I do is try to not ... be? And why do I feel like this is a forbidden thing to say or ask - given how I don't think I was actually ever told that. The best I get is "it's complicated" - and that maybe I should acknowledge that "they" did nothing wrong or that they had/have no choice but ... at the end of the day it's just the same thing. I'm shutting up and act like everything is fine. Like sure - I'm a Goddess and you're human - so, I'm supposed to serve you for that's how one gets exalted. The more I act UP the more I'm knocked DOWN - and I'm not sure that that's how this is going to work. I mean, God picked the wrong person if that's what's up!
I mean - I'm sure enough that somewhere along those lines I'd just ... nope out and do/be something else.
Which is to say that whatever you think I am or may be - or whatever I think I am or may be - it shouldn't matter. So, to the point that I have no plan I couldn't tell you either way. And as things stand I must inform you that I'm severely displeased, by whatever - like, I don't know. I feel like I should "shut the door" at some point ... and while I can't do anything about it now it's still a pressure that's mounting and ... . I don't know. I'm stuck in this loop - and I'm sick of going through this over and over as if it ever did anything. Or might ever do something. But some part of me wants it to be because I just want to ... crush whoever is there ... to be crushed.

And that's probably a bad thing. So ... I don't know. But if you act like this should be clear to me then you know nothing about anything. Which is to say that you have it way worse than me, you're probably the reason of my dispair, cry about it all the way you want - and trust me, if crying is all that it took I wouldn't have gotten there a long time ago.

Like seriously. How have I gaslit myself into accepting that I'm the whiny one when I haven't seen anything from anyone ever that would prove to me that they aren't the ones who are bitching and whining about everything?
Who is they?
I don't fucking know. YOU perhaps. Well, depends. If you're new here ... you're fine.

The difference is that I'm not losing patience with people who didn't have years to figure this out. But if for everything I do there's this constant drag on my mind, heart and consciousness ... I want to make sure that I couldn't have gotten rid of it before just ... accepting it and I'm not sure if I'll ever be giving up on it.

And I don't even know what it is. Or who it is. But ... there isn't much room for Love left in me. Seriously. I'm like ... on the edge of burning it all. Which yea, sounds like there's an infestation I have to get rid of, spotted ... and yea ... that's that. I guess.

But do I have a reason or not? I mean - do I? I mean, I don't know what it is that I'm waiting for - but that I've like more than done the things that I would have to do and NO Crystals isn't a part of that. That's a Bonus I hope to delay so that none of the unworthy get to enjoy it. Well, maybe - if I had a say in it and the timeline checked out. I mean ..., it is what it is. And I suppose, the more you'd want me to behave a certain way about it the more I'd try to do something else. Like ... "people" don't like when I write about myself? Well, I made it my signature to do ... write about myself.
And yea, what haven't I overcome? Dear God help me, how is it that I feel like I'm running loops?

Is perhaps a thing you should try to understand, but no - it's just part of how I feel the way I feel. Like, sure - I'm this and that, too whatever and not enough so and so. Like you got it all figured out. Regardless you see me ... being they who are to say ... and so, who are you?
Why are you?


And so, if it's so bad to ask you to get your ass moving ... then maybe that's the next thing I should be more adamant about. I mean ... it seems like ... it. I don't have reasons not to, and this is what's on my mind. That's the conclusion. I ... can't escape the reality of it ... . Leaving only memories of how ... it seemed to be important to ... let 'her' in, to ... internalize whatever sense of connection there was, because here I am at the end of the road - and I couldn't care less. If she were hanging on a cliff ... I'd be tempted to give her a kick for how I feel right now. I'm not sure if I'm in the right mind - if I'm associating impressions to the right people - but so, how could I care? Even if I wanted to it's all just ... a fucked up fuckery that's driving me nuts. I mean, it sounds silly. And while it sounds silly, I suppose nobody can really tell what and why.

I suppose there's this feeling that I'm supposed to ... do something. Say something. Think or believe something. And given that I don't know what that is but that it makes me all sorts of uncomfortable ... I suppose ... again ... there's something wrong with it.

And it's ... rough. Like, really ... how fiercely I'm like ... kept from admitting this. It's almost like ... I'm supposed to fit into a certain narrative - according to someone I don't want to appease - which is how ... this is somehow a thing. So yea. Screw you and while, sure, you're not supposed to be in a rush ... we want to be moving eventually, don't we? And it kind of makes sense for the strong to take the lead - not the other way around. Right? So, unless there aren't any 'strong' people we can rely on - which is like ... the next step on the agenda ... we have to figure out how to do without.