More story time

Well. Usually I felt down whenever I had to tell these stories. It was always so sore revisiting things, rethreading the same tale ... contemplating upon the many ways things could have gone, the doors ... opened and closed ... . Well.

For now I do feel fine however. Well. As I went to bed yestertoday, I would say ... God came in cosplaying as Raymond reddington, shoving a Dog into my hands - a real ugly one like cartoonishly big head, a small breed, reddish fur, though there was barely any it wasn't a naked dog ... and he said that if I welcomed it into my heart it would solve all of my problems. Well, probably speaking of this nasty thing that had been growing in my chest. I mean, I'm almost certain that it has to be physical, so real the pain, like ... what's that point right above the belly and below the ribcage. It starts around there - but ultimately it's like a Hexagon around it.
So, it feels like a cramp - usually ... and the dog it bit into it. I felt oddly reliefed and comforted by its presence; And yet it became one with the pain. Or its teeth did. It didn't feel comfortable at all - and as I started to resist it, God Reddington the Cosplayer asked me the question: Isn't that what you wanted? Unclear what he was referring to - I looked at the situation, I didn't feel great - but something somehow made sense about it. If that's what things have come to, I thought, and if this is what it takes to see it with more clarity, then ... yes? And I embraced the dog, and it bit in and ... then it bit me.

I mean, it's difficult to start speaking in terms of "having left her" or ... not. Like, to my understanding there was no such thing - I just didn't know how to deal with it. The if's and what's, the logic of it all, the why are you not answering me? ... the ... what is even going on? Down to the ... what the fuck do you want from me? ... . Well. I'm not sure if that's still ... I mean, it's probably a part of the thing. But maybe not. I have some sore spots, or ... weirdness going on. I came to see a few things more clearly - how ... my Love for her was perverted to do weird things. And all in all ... somehow it comes down to what I'm expecting. Or ... my inability to understand the situation. Like ... on the one end sure, I'm not to assume that she's gonna come flying in any second now. On the other hand I don't know what and why anything - ... .
So ... stuff. A big mess of stuff.

To me anyway. But then, sure ... I must have shut her out ... in a way, so ... I felt that. And why did I feel this way if it wasn't so? And yea, ultimately, what I want is like ... it's the joints and angles of this Hexagon. I get angry at the thought of being told off, like ... I don't get it. What's the matter?


What's the hangup?
And the more those screws went in, the more I ... cared to know. Or care to know. And it's easily triggered when I feel like I lost it. Like, am I still doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Hello? Check check. Anyone there?


And I don't get it. And why am I constantly drawn back here? Why is this my life? Why am I here? Well, am I told to be somewhere else? "Go Home" but "Not like that!"? [shrugs]. Well, then ... I am home???

Well ... at least now it seems like we're getting somewhere.


Well. Yesterday I was like: "Sure, they might be an issue but it's not THAT bad, is it?". And now I was reminded of just how bad it can get. I thought I had that behind me - and I suppose for the most part I do. ? .??? .... uhm. Well. Maybe not. So, it's a thing - an ongoing issue - which may yet contain some more unpleasant surprises. So, I should possibly be excused from any high executive function and follow the Doctors recommendation. And in the meantime I'll be doing my thing.

After some hick-hack I've come to an idea of what the next upgrade is going to entail, but ... there's still some open questions which I suppose I want to go into before I continue here. So ... . Hmm ...//


Now it's time to call it yestermorning ... the story from earlier. And ... instead of writing about it I got to hack around a little and I suppose I found a way forward. In the meantime I had an idea of what to write here and to forget about it again. But I recall. Something about how I see the resemblance of me in Reddington as well. However, spot on doesn't quite describe it.


Anyway. I also came to ponder upon what I just wrote and ... I suppose I forgot to mention that whatever doggy did was absolutely something I needed. But uhm, yea, that is that. Somehow I must have forgotten to setup the timezone on this installation. So, technically it's still the third according to this watch, so ... yea, we'll make it fit.