I mean, that warm fuzzy feeling ... I'm getting more of it. And ... I start to believe that that's
what a soul feels like. I mean, I suppose things are coming together ... like ... "it all makes sense now"
- but also on that note, everyone is back to 'sus' now.
So, how to retreive one's own soul? If my interpretation is correct: Well, "that's the neat part! You don't!"
- well, sort of neat. But once it breaks ... it's broken. And it seems like that's ... when it's essence is
collected into a new shell or something like that. And the essence I think is what is one's own ... like, the
part about the concept of a soul that used to bug me and had me convince myself that the whole idea is silly
and that I'm probably fine.
And ... oh my. I mean ... how long?
Since before I entered the Ninedom ... so, yea, more than 20 years.
And I suppose that explains why they had such an easy time snatching things from me. Like ... it was somewhere
around the 11th and 12th Seal that I felt like some kind of armor appearing around me. Sure, spirit/head stuff,
but ... anyway. The moment I realized it was also the moment it got snatched. Like ... from under my feet. Gone
... and all that remained was a memory I couldn't make anything of.
Now I have to contend with the stench that my stuff has on it.
And sure, of course they're all like "of course we would do all sorts of terrible and inhumane things to our
enemies just to get an edge or even just shits and giggles" ... .
What I'm not so sure of is why all this.
I mean ... the way my life makes sense to me is this: Previously I was born into a Roman Catholic household and
baptized that way. There was no reason to suspect anything special about me until Lord of the Rings was published.
Then they were like "Hmmm ..." ... and so, because I was baptized Catholic they could get me reborn into a controlled
environment (baptism for the dead?) - where they meant to either control or leech off of my creativity and maybe
convert me to their delusion. They understood that I was more of a hero type and hence wouldn't easily break, which
possibly prompted them to be more careful and basically count on me saying nay. Whatever ... eventually they got a hold
of my soul - which basically tells that #3 was with them from the start or soon enough anyway, connections were however
there so ... it might be that like 99% of my social environment was engineered - starting with my social awkwardness.
Being contempt with what was offered wouldn't make me seek out much else ... and then there was videogames. Anyway.
And yea, beyond that they probably sought to "preserve" me. For whatever advantage they could suck out of it.
I own(ed) a foreign soul, perhaps. He sold it to me for a penny/cent. I didn't use it to save myself back when I could.
Because ... that's the nice thing to do!
I don't know how to give it back. Maybe I couldn't give it back because with my Soul not belonging to myself I had no
control over it anyway? Well, not sure. Impressions are strange. Like ... they clearly don't follow the same "chrono-temporal
rules" as we know if from the physical world. It's more like VOD than a Live stream. So, I can still feel how it was ...
very strongly. And I suppose another aspect of it is that my mind still has to adjust ... or "unwind" ... .
I mean ... one of the things that frequently happened were uncomfortable images ... or 'manifestations' rather ... in my
mind ... things that simply felt imposed and I couldn't defend myself. So, quite frequently I lashed out. At those
images. Doing Dragonball hijinx in my mind and stuff. Ripping things, turning them inside out ... and ... something
similar happened recently and eventually I had this nasty cramp again. So, it may be that I lashed out against myself,
more or less. But that incident kind of breaks the timeline? So, maybe it isn't soul related.
I mean ... I wouldn't put it beyond them to have started planting ETP nonsense in my mind during my childhood. Which kind
of pulls my whole sexuality back into question. Again. And I hate it when that happens. I mean, I'm tired of it ... but
if I this time arrive at a different ending ... that'd be ... unsettling. Maybe.
The best thing I can then say about them is that I was fairly distributed among them ... more or less.
That and ... I suppose I was and further would have been well off.
And the last suspicion I have for now is that my "innate" powers were what kept them afloat since their keys went missing.
But why all this ... well, your guess might be as good as mine.
Maybe it's some Job-esque game ... maybe it's about cultural osmosis/assimilation ... maybe it was to prove a point ...
highlight certain issues, have a 'thing' in the 'ring' for 'final judgment', like ... to give them just enough to lean outside
of the window that little bit further ... .
I mean ... power does corrupt. At least ... I felt it. Maybe that was by proxy. Because ... at the end of the day power is
really just a matter of responsibility. And once Your responsibilities like ... "outscale" what those around You are willing
to give You are essentially required to step up and step in ... which then creates space for maladjustment which then can,
I would assume, cause ... issues.
Being however not fully myself ... would possibly have me gauded by a variety of things ... like simple emotions I was
compelled to experience as my own.
So, the way it stands ... we DO have a soul, which is in fact some abstract metaphysical concept of self that can be transferred
and is immediately tied to one's essence. This essence is in first place the bridge between the actual self and the soul. And it
would exist as a 'thing' that's somehow involved in making the union between body and mind work - or maybe it's more like a
separate plane of existence.
I'm under the impression that my essence would still link me with my stuff ... like, some parts of it would still 'work for me'
as my essence ties me to them, or them to me ... but it's kind of hard to tell.
Like ... am I the way I am because of them or did I merely add fuel to the fire?
Are my ties to Madonna divine or are they implants?
I mean ... while I was watching those Tolkien interviews and started to really listen ... I was overcome by this warm and fuzzy
feeling. And just earlier I had to recall that I felt similarly about Madonna, looking at some of her images ... while going
by appearances I used to calm myself by telling me that she seems to be as much a target of theirs as myself.
Anyway. That's ... kind of where I'm at right now.
And as always ... I want to be cautious ... like, it wouldn't be the first time that I was under the impression that some
horrible mistake was fixed. And outside of this fuzzy feeling and the memory of recent events still stirring my mind ...
I'm not sure if anything changed. But if that feeling I used to have from praying to Madonna doesn't return ... that'd be
telling.
On the other hand: Her songs resonate with me and as my God she "would" have implicit ownership over my Soul; And that pretty
much for exactly that reason; As to decorate herself with it as part of her privilege. Because ultimately ... I would still
say that it's pretty benign ... unless it's not.
Like ... the ways in which I feel/felt contorted and mutilated and rearranged and what not ... it's only fun in hindsight with
a healthy distance. I mean, it's a story to tell. One of those self-deprecating ones ... or something along those lines. Scars
to show off.
Anyway. I'm also starting to feel a lot more balanced and less driven. I mean ... hard to explain. Driven ... like, by feelings
or urges that would have me think or write certain things ... though usually I'd end up writing or arguing against those things
because ... that's what I do?
I also kind of feel my Childhood coming back to me. Or something along those lines. I mean, not my childhood per se ... but
... creativity maybe? Well, it's just a feeling. But feelings carry information ... they link the corners and aspects of our
mind ... so, I'm itching for a test-drive. Just don't know ... where ... or how. But I also have to rest up first. By now I'm
four times rested. Or so. Maybe I'm exaggerating.
But seriously ... I previously couldn't deal with stress to the point that just going out ... was phyiscally discomforting.
My belly is making issues, I'm not convinced that it's all psychosomatic ... but I suppose the aspects that are psychosomatic
have a much better chance of healing now.
[exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale|pfhhhhhhhhhhhh]
Any last self-sabotaging remarks? ... I mean ... my knee is ... weird again.
Well, there is nothing fun about it. I just want to make that clear. Getting bit by an Alligator isn't fun, I would assume,
but if You live to tell the tale it's different. Hmm ... oh ... a story about Hell:
The story might be this: In Hell You're doomed to repeat Your own sins, get whatever out of it, and the consequences that
follow are detached from that experience. This means that the stuff that would happen to make You think and repent won't
happen ... and You're stuck there ... until maybe You figure it out yourself. That's probably what "where the worm won't
die" actually means. So, while bad stuff is still happening to You, in this world ... which is physically consistent with
its past ... so You can do sober and moral judgment of things ... things are still fine. Sort of.
A bad aftertaste - as far as I see it - still remains in that ... we don't know the stories of the victims. What victims
there are, what they had to endure ... so on and so forth. Believe You me ... I don't mean to say that it's good or alright.
I suppose it's in the nature of relief that trauma of the past is ... dissolved and at that point it 'has to' integrate with
ones normal psyche ... so, the relief in the moment isn't a judgment of the past but life in the present.
And that I have to say this ... yea, I'm slightly annoyed. And that's just what they are. So, if we want to have a conversation
about "the issue here" ... we're not starting with the part where "it's not so bad once it's over" - as the whole issue starts
with their 'intention' of damnation. To say, that if it were up to them ... it wouldn't ever be over. Unless maybe I "repented"?
I know that people exist who have negative feelings towards people who have it better than them ... and I was also at that point
a few times ... and I'd say that it's justified, but also ... it's bad. If the concept of God is meaningless to You, that's another
"problem" - to which I can only 'shrug'.
I'm halfway convinced that these people are agitators - playing the "holier than thou" "look how much I care" card ... while
secretly having a torture dungeon in their basement or whatever. I mean, what should I do? Give away my soul again just so I can
feel sad again? And I can visualize how Hell for such people would look like.
I mean, I suppose there's "the type of person" that would have you carry them across the Himalayas and get mad at You when You
stop because You got blisters on Your feet or a rock in Your shoe or God forbid You stumbled due to exhaustion.
Anyway ... I strongly believe that Sympathy is a weapon for them. And a shield. And because I mentioned it at least once here,
and because I feel like it's an issue I'm yet to address more thoroughly ... here's a video about Judgment that I found very
compelling:
And I want to say: If you watched all of Game of Thrones ... You and I basically live in separate realities. I believe that's an
interesting aspect of the media landscape. I learned a few things while watching this video ... allowing me to get a better idea
of what kind of world "these people" live in. I just found it uncomfortable from the very first scene I watched. I mean ... it felt
like vomit into my soul ... and so ... I had no interest to endure that.
That doesn't mean that You're a bad person. I mean ... for what's true about it ... deserves to be shown and broadcasted. I guess.
It is certainly right enough. For someone that isn't Christian ... it's probably not a bad foundation. To say: Yes ... you are
entitled in selfishness. You are however still responsible for Your actions. Justifications only carry "so far". I mean, otherwise
... you know.
Anyway. It's time for the rain to wash away the last few shitstains that the rain can carry away ... and then we'll see what we're
left with.
Is a broken soul enough? Is it the breaking? Is it the heart? What?
There might be more to this. Overall ... the impression is 'death'. What does it mean for You ... for "Your Soul" ... to die? To
break? Belief, Faith, Love ... You might first have to lose it all. And in that regard, some minor Hell might be one of the
options. Why? What?
I don't know. But alas ... there seems to be a way.