Upturn Initiated | Status Check

I'm sweating. Sure, ... I'm dressed rather thickly and the radiator is on. My fingers are sweaty AF ... but also since recently they started to feel warm rather than cold.


I'm feeling a presence, I'm feeling 'right now', I'm feeling ... myself ... in the now. And yea, I guess ... I can see it now. That the way I used to see things, was almost as through a bunch of mirrors. Indirectly.
Also I feel ... a familiar presence ... but ... like ... "unadulterated".


Now, why all this? You ask?

I found an answer, but ... I'm afraid ... some of You aren't going to like it.




See ... this is like ... a story between two crazy people. Maniacs ... in a way. So, the one said to the other ... "How about ...?" ... and the other was like "OK!" ... to which the other replied: "How crazy do You have to be to agree with that?" - to which the other responded: "How insane do You have to be to propose such a thing?" - and after a moment of silence the conclusion fell: "OK, but then You also need to have the balls to go through with it".


So, the idea ... was this: To make me as OP as possible. Or in other words: I would be born into this life and from the get go get all of the shit of the world that I could tank. Of course ... within physical safety boundaries. And so it would just go on and on ... until the appointed moment in time. And then it would no longer be a contest.
On top of that I would have to fork over my soul. For the extra XP as it were. So, I guess current suggestions imply, that the end of that requires me to "die" in a sense, which means that while all that is going down I also need to somehow be brought to that point. Which is again a ton of XP given the amount of extra work that would have to be thrown at me. So, God would however see that it happens, so that at the appointed time it breaks, I get a new Soul and stand revealed with my true power Level.


And I guess that this narrative only makes sense when implying a certain kind of power Level going into it. Which means that if God were to bring this to me I am made to understand that this is in deed what He thinks I'm capable of. Because, yea. Of course ... there's the shit itself which would inevitably come upon me - and in that sense: Whatever transformation I go through while enduring/resisting it. On the other side is Plot Armor of course. Like ... my background carries a certain weight that incentivizes a certain attitude towards me ... while not being in a physical shape that attracts predation. And God's sleight of hand does the rest.

I mean, did He have to lie to me so that this would come to an end? Did He lie tho? I mean, it wasn't a lie. But it ... OK. Fun fact: So, while I was spiraling downward ... and I was still looking for answers ... there was something about rules or ... whatever ... something I would have to have known for the thing to make sense or something; And back and forth, I so asked God: "OK, what is it then?" - and he like hands me a scroll with cryptic glyphs on it that I couldn't read. I mean, whatever part of me read it as an obvious joke at the time was so far gone at the time that it couldn't really weigh in on the situation.
And sure, I had an emotional support plushie the whole time. I mean, that ... downward spiral.


As for "XP" ... I don't know. But the way things played out in my head before I found this answer to the problem, I was under the impression that the XP ticker/level counter is still dinging. We're like ... at around 2010~2012 ish (the year).
So yea, it does actually check out.


Where mind you, the "death of the soul" or whatever is certainly going to be a matter ("controversial topic") as those that I now own still exist in denial. Where, sure ... it feels like a personal failure ... now, in hindsight ... seeing that I'm fine and maybe sort of had no reason to crash out like that. But then again ... those 7 hours are long gone ... so, I wasn't ... actually wrong. Like, in any way. And I don't know, but, I assume that if God hadn't interfered I'd still be going somehow, but ... well, I'm kind of glad that it's over.
Like ... for real.

Hmm ... I'm still a little suspicious tho.


But is it an XP thing? I mean, realistically ... the experience happens in the moment and however I align or adapt myself to the circumstances is ... one thing. But ... as with food, or ... physical nourishment ... there is whatever spiritual counterpart can exist to that. So, God adding substance to me ... as opposed to subtracting it from me (as in case of wear and tear). And substance here isn't like ... substance in the sense of some amount of stuff to perhaps artificially inflate my ego. But in as far as there is an imbalance or divergence concerning the balance of our spiritual/mental growth in accordance with the world around us, there is the "appropriate equivalent" counter to the divergence. So, external impairments add "divergence factors" to the equation, where so the strength or whatever that I have to muster in order to resist those impairments is apart from the final manifestation of that resistence. So, my alignments to external circumstances aren't merely "morphological" (as in: villy nilly shapeshifting) - as anyone beyond a certain age should be able to confirm/relate with. Sure, morphing is a way to adapt, but it is a process that is again linked to forces that would have a tendency one way or another.
So, bottom line is that there is most certainly "in the moment" growth - and now in the aftermath a certain "catching up".

Which can be stylized in the form of Experience points.


So, it still checks out.
The only thing(s) missing, is that which I cannot confirm myself.
If it shows it shows. If not ... then not.

But ... what is ... this "Power Level" then?


I mean ... in all seriousness and ... totally not shitting You ... I mean, it is what it is. It is an explanation. And it's like, it makes sense. But it implies a few things that I honestly know nothing about. Or if, then just very little. Little enough to not know what I know of.

Maybe some psychedelic intake helps.


Or ... some pause to think about it. But ... well. Sure, there's the one way to go about it which is to take it at face value and assume only the best. The other way is the opposite; And the truth would be somewhere in the middle ... or up towards the top I guess. Of course ... if God were to speak of it, I'd presume it is regarding a quality of ours that He cares about. Let it be one unique quality wholesale or something more like in an RPG or maybe even something more individual.
So do the scriptures write of treasure in heaven.

Sure, a simple take on that is to see it as the reward for good deeds - as in a material sense. So, maybe what I see as XP is simply my kingdom growing a bit. Maybe I can now afford my ivory tower on the crystal lake, guarded by Dragons and Unicorns.

And yet, the simplification into deeds is a little ... too simplistic for my taste. I mean ... sure, we, ourselves, ought to be masters at self-deception. So, when we speak of things like "Character", it is here in no way of our own evaluation. What I think I am doesn't matter - in the sense where what matters is a matter of God. And those who yell "Self Confidence" - yea sure ... but in what? What part of myself am I to be confident in? That I'm the best just because I say so?
I don't see an aweful lot of value in there. Certainly none I would think God should reward.
I mean ... sure, when we talk of Youngshoots and such ... I'm not going to judge others for what assistance they need. I certainly made use of the one or the other crutch myself. And in the spectrum of infinite growth - there's crutches till the end of time.
But then, where I stand on my own ... I guess that's ... yea, there's an intersection.


I mean, this familiar atmosphere. One moment that comes to mind was ... way back. I lived at my grandpas and was working on my Game. At that point doing sketchwork in the living room while watching TV and ... well, getting high. And during that moment I recall I was introduced to "Cell", alias my sparring partner to be, and sent on a bit of a trip that would introduce me to the concept of "groundedness". There was first a kind of descent ... as untowards a sheet of clouds, then a dense field of very steep peaks, like a sea of thorns, and the valleys where they converge were passages into a region underneath and there I landed on the ground ... feeling so very small with all of the stuff I had passed through above me. And as I looked around, I felt a sensation that allowed me to control whether I would "lift off" like a baloon, or stay grounded on the floor.


Not much came of that since. I suppose I remembered it once or twice - like, trying to get down and write something about it. But alas, I didn't know what.
Now, ... I guess an apt comparison is that of assistance wheels. So, wheels attached to the sides of a bicycle to help kids learn how to ride it. And eventually there's that moment where they come off ... and one has to fully handle the thing by themselves.
Now, those in denial might try to pull this into matters of ... business. Making money. Investments. That sort of stuff. As like ... "a real measure" ... . But, as with Character, we are here not talking of our own evaluation of things. What God giveth, God giveth for His own reasons. In-sha-Allah (or however) and such.
And it's also a little bit of a contradiction. How would the growth I accumulate while tanking the shit of the world translate into a business venture? And as for the one answer: Why would I do that?

I mean, that moment where I made that decision after reading in that book - that's one moment in time where I did like ... stand on my own. Or 'walk' on my own. And I guess ... rather successfully so.

All I needed in order to cross that bridge was an opportunity.

The moment after I threw my Bible into the corner, well, I would regard that as a 'visitation'. My reaction was provoked, and what I did thereafter to find my way back wasn't necessarily my own. I was thrown into a state of confusion over the world and a guiding force took over to give me a direction. Call it a boon perhaps. Like ... a Fairy in a Bottle (Legend of Zelda reference).
One thing that would speak for that is the sign I was requesting - in that it was effectively 'given' to me. So, asking for a sign is the 'superstition' in the sense that God would not ... . What happens when we 'understand' (or believe) that, is that we ourselves would not ask for a sign. Hence if we ever come to ask for one ... it is through the Holy Spirit. It further establishes a baseline from which we then initiate conversation with Him - inherently so - which also shifts our focus and attention concerning "matters of God" away from various things around us and into a more accessible inward domain.
So, the need for a Sign isn't ours as a demand from God, but His as a way to inform us for some very specific reason. Like a mission or a calling. Which again ... He delivers unto us.
If You want one You can try asking.

And in all the back and forth, well, it's not always clear to me who done what ... but whatever ... test or trial or challenge or whatever He prepared for me ... there are those that I won and those that I didn't. May or may not be. And these ... I suppose come with an extra reward, sort of, although ... they are really the essential ones.
We can ... suppose of ourselves whatever we want. And of one another, sure - either in the sense of ... do we for instance expect a reward and do we do this or that because of it? We can always be made aware of such things, but we can also be made unaware of such things. The "solution" to the test would depend on what it is that You're set up for. If the test were, whether You did it for the money or not, You'd be in a situation where You're not aware of that whole entire concept.

So, easy mode is the opposite. Easy mode is realizing that You are aware of the concept; But then the next step is ... figuring whether or not You're in real life or not. And the right answer is, yea - that would be the point.

And so - I stand here before You with this experience. That too ... can be considered a part of the package.
Believe it or not - but should You believe my account of things then the story is that I wasn't born with this Knowledge, nor did I get a clear manual on how any of this works.


Would I need one? Well, apparently not! Apparently God's invisible Hand is entirely sufficient to guide a willing mind.

On some note I would mention God's part as my Parent in all of this. I do very much consider myself an introvert. I'm shy and reserved towards my surrounding and find difficulties associating with people. Difficulty: Impossible. Yet somehow I managed to grow up into a self-confident individual that can handle social encounters, can stand up for themself and can even take command of situations.
And the one I find at the heart of this, and outside of that far and wide no-one else there is to be seen, is God - 'my God' - or in clean speak: The most high, the Father of the Cosmos of all Cosms ... my dear Friend and part-time Lover Jesus Christ.


I certainly received a lot of assistance in various ways. My upbringing, friends and family, social workers and doctors - where IRL one might be curious of what produced this Husk that is at this point, by accounts of those that know me personally, me. I mean, I am actually fine right now. But realistically I'm not in a good spot. Something is wrong ... after all ... like, I'm apparently stuck in the medical system. And if physically I am fine, and mentally I'm doing OK, what is ... gnawing at me?

I guess I must be a looser. Like, that's the only explanation, right? How after all these years and all the assistence that I received am I still not able to complete a single Ausbildung? Am I simulating? Or am I that allergic to work?

So, I guess I'm weak of Character because somehow I couldn't amass a fortune despite all the talents and opportunities that I have received. I mean, opportunities I had like ... uhm ...
Plenty. I guess it just wasn't ever enough. So, I'm a looser and I suck.
Is that it?

I mean, I wrote a book - and acquiring the knowledge and wisdom contained therein was pretty much a fulltime job. I mean, I can put that pin on my thing and pat myself on the back. And it's still happening. Gee ... I wonder what THAT is all about ...


So, yes ... 'waiting'. The answer ... in one single word is that. Make it about me all the way You want, but the Truth has its own legs. Thank You and Good Bye. I'm gonna do some programming now.

Probably. I mean, I was about to.