And another day goes by (!!!)

... uhm, hmm. OK, am I feeling sad or is this feeling by proxy? I cannot tell. I would treat this as ... OK, I'm not the one who's sad here, so, where is this coming from? Like, I didn't mean to ..., but now something's again burdening on me.


Well, I spent the last day Programming - or at least I tried to - I got into a bit of a bad spot, had to throw up ... and overall things aren't looking too good on that front. I've tried to make progress a few times, I have a goal in mind, but ... technically I haven't made any progress at all. But I suppose I also have to again wrap my mind around the whole thing before I can really ... see ... . Hmm ... yes yes.

I mean, it's fair to say that it's around "here" - so, current state of the project - where I wouldn't mind having some assistance. There's quite a bunch of stuff I want to do but in a lot of places rather than having ideas I see that others might do a better job. So, for myself, well, I can try. And sure, I also kind of have to first get back into it, which ... kind of proved itself to be more difficult than I anticipated.

A lot of what has happened the last few month is now, like, little more than a fever dream to me.


And I still feel like ... hmm.
There's a story ...



Maybe. I mean, it's not so much a story. I mean, it's ... my story, in terms of images that I have carried with me throughout the years. Starting with: Cliffs of Insanity.

I mean, that was really the beginning. And You might find Yourself there, now, see things and go like: Huh, crazy! So, figuring out right from wrong, knowing what You believe in, believing in what You know ... making the right decision regardless of how things might look around You.
The Cliffs of Insanity, yea, I suppose they're a treacherous Labyrinth - where there seems to be like only one way to go ... until You see that it's full of openings.

I guess ... being stuck in there is just normalcy. And it strikes me like ... people, or 'they', treat me like I'm still in there. But I was already gone by the time I started Crystals.

What's next? The Planes of Loneliness. A vast expanse of nothing, but perhaps some pretty landscape - if You can call it that, given that vision is like 20 meters. Maybe 50.
Shaman Village (Elden Ring - Shadow of the Erdtree) comes to mind, but without the buildings and shrubbery.
That Dream Sequence from Final Fantasy 8 maybe, but more flowers I guess.
Just, for an impression.
And I guess there isn't much to say or do but to pick a direction and go.

I mean, ... 'follow Your heart' might also be a way to put it, but ... that's also kind of the problem I guess.
It's like ... the Fog isn't natural and so there's something there that doesn't want to be seen. The serene surroundings create a mood and that mood tunes one into a state of receptiveness for "the Lure" ... . So rather than 'adapting' an idea of what to carry in Your heart You have to 'put' something there. I mean, acquire something from a trusted source? It's ... complicated until it's not.

Then there was some kind of a Bridge. Bridge of Death? Or really ... just a really long Bridge? I mean, no need to make everything sound super Dramatic.
And going by Videogame Logic ... there's an aweful lot that is or can be wrong with Bridges in and of itself, so ... "Bridge of Death" ... I mean, either it's really just a Bridge or it would really have to stand out as one that's particularly treacherous.
Other than that it has two sides, on both ends, usually ... one direction is the passage and to the sides of it we usually have a railing of some kind. To that end, the challenge might be to not get the two sides confused. Oh, Bridge of Confusion?

I mean, it can be confusing if You think You're "IRL" but really You're on a Bridge. Because, yea, while You don't know where You're going there also "is no bridge" as it were. It's a bit "Cliffs of Insanity"-esque I suppose, so, I'm not sure. I had a fun time and eventually it was over.

Then, well. Hard to tell what I was looking at. I mean, at first I was like ... OK, these images keep coming ... is this really a thing? But so, there's this staircase. Like, the Bridge really just lead to a rock of sorts ... or ... anyway. A really steep staircase downward with barely any kind of 'steps' unless You look very closely.


And though the images kind of stopped coming, I could label that which followed ... the Beach of Desolation.
Like ... where to? Looks like a dead end!
On the other hand I did get a note of relief in a way. Hmm, did I fall for something?

Have I been stuck here the last 10 years or so?

Or was it? I mean ... sure. Since then, things didn't change much. I had to like "get my life in order", or ... "hustle" as it were, to get to some place from where I could work and such. Or is that like ... debatable?
And all in all I suppose it's more like a Cave, that what followed. A Crystal Cave perhaps.

Like, ... yea, maybe this isn't like in Dark Souls but more like in Minecraft. I got to the end of my Bridge, found myself a secret entrance and started building.


Or do we have to talk about Clarity here? Like ... how this might be Shelob's cave.



Well, let's not get confused. Because ... where would I be going?

... But sure. Let's take another look around. Yesterday I started writing ...

---

The Rape Thing

Well, I'm told ... I suppose ... that this is yet an open topic I am to address. "Is it so?" I wondered.
How does one now solicit an answer? Well, the better question is: What constitutes an answer? In what shape to expect the answer to come?

Whenever I was asking for testimony, I have made mixed experiences in the aftermath. One thing that stood out however, as over time, to me, was a distinct feeling ... to a certain type of question. Well, nothing much, perhaps, to go off of at first, but eventually a more universal pattern emerged. Sometimes answers would just come in unexpected ways; And asking God for anything is more like ... well, eventually it comes from the heart anyway, while one is also more and more in tune with Him. And then the answer eventually manifests. Or ... a note of reconsideration we might say.

So, eventually things just happen - and ... over time ... another ... pattern of sorts emerged therein. Say, a particular type of accumulative force that maintained a kind of consistency with external events. Difficult to see, sometimes it's clear and simple while other times it can be nearly to absolutely impossible to make out anything.
To say, well ... I developed a certain trust in a certain type of thing. But ultimately ... my memory of it ... it's like covered in mist.

So, right or wrong? This or that?
Sometimes it just 'snaps'. Well, I call my trick ... let's call it "Box Office". At first the question takes shape as a Box, I call that thing "Segulo". Segulo in this instance is a package of information - and our anticipation of it factors into how we read it. Counter to the Segulo is a field that has to be maintained by the Spirit - and ... when it is defunct it creates an off kind of feeling. This means that the answer is elsewhere. On the other hand it helps to play around with Yes and No. This is also the next step ... where there is a first stage or pass ... which is the simple yes/no. Sometimes things might require further clarification and hence a higher resistence is required against which the quality of the answer can be measured. A more conscious 'yes' or a more conscious 'no' ... then ultimately take me to an inversion where the 'false' answer is used to hold the Segulo away - counter to which the 'true' answer forms a gravity well within the heart. Once the Segulo enters this area, I can feel my trust in it flowing in like water.


When it comes to this particular topic then, well ... Box Office is closed.

And of course. This is about our own truth ... and right here is also the place where God's intimacy is most required. So, as we move around we develop better senses for the manifestations of the Light, which in turn tries to at first introduce itself - I suppose - throughout various layers until a certain confidence sets in.
So, where our own Light takes us is then ... that is presented by His light. This means that what we get to "See" is His representation of our own self ... thus 'THE Light' and 'GROWTH' - in totality "Reflections of the Original Spirit" (Belugia Lagaris) - is as an immediate inevitability.

Now, my habit of exposing myself - which later led to "Dreams of a Fallen Angel" - that started in one such way. After a certain understanding had emerged, it would happen to be a supportive act of God to encourage me towards higher degrees of commitment. Or so, to see myself move closer towards the ideal that I see before me.


This too however turned out to be a journey; And I guess of the things I could turn a new eye towards is how I feel about it.

Well, I suppose ... I feel just like I should. I mean, I just ... felt it ... the way I should.

Being a Condemned as it were. It would be a parting gift in a sense ... and I certainly feel Him ... consolidating those impressions. Well, putting pressure on my neck that I need to bend about like an obedient little bitch. And when I do, I feel it as an imposed demand while also experiencing ... some kind of deep satisfaction from within. And as the force tightens, more of it comes out. The force clearly requiring me to bow unto the externalized demand through which I then find myself exposed to ... "sexual misconduct".

Well, Rape ... OR ... and that's possibly important ... "whatever to call it".
Maybe we need a more sensible term to make it all a little bit more palatable.


And at the heart of it there is a statement - but how true is it? Should it matter? Well, what's the responsible thing? The depth of my condemnation does not foresee any exceptions as the term itself suppose an absence of the same.
And thus, to live in synchronicity with my Clarity, I have to say that those things are up to my master. In as far as I would be tasked to evaluate my condition and make decisions, 'better judgment' would always stand apart as a more commonly maintainable thing. And thus it can be transferred to my master; Apart from which ... well ... there's still this ... and that ... that I have. The no-norm theorem would have me believe then, that in as far as I am driven towards those things, my inner alignments create conflicts with a concurrent norm - and upon deeper reflection I come to suppose that this is a matter that can ... sort of as by definition ... not be resolved in a 'normative' way.

Each conflict would hold its own challenges as it also exists, as per base principles, exists in contradiction to what would otherwise be "smooth and functional".


Well. Can I be compelled to have Sex?
I suppose I could not truly be desecrated if it were not so. And my desecration seems to be a pivotal part of what lies ahead of me. So, at any rate: For me it makes more sense here to speak of a "Safety Package" - and "we" (I) don't really know what it contains yet. It just implicitly contains everything that is necessary. For now all that this safety package contains is the implicit care from my Master.
So, saying then that I get no rights or privileges apart from what's in that safety package, the question becomes: What else is there?

Or, I suppose to make more sense of it, how do the things inside of the safety package realistically translate into "the way as intended"?

And as in synchronicity with my Clarity, I am to say that I am grateful to be condemned. Think of it as this: After having given birth to a son I joined a convent to live a life of [chastity:plot stuff] - which entailed an oath that would hold me liable to any debtor until they saw it purged. Then one day my son walks in with [McGuffin], which is taken as 'sufficient' to endebt me to him. I however know what he's up to, as he's part of why I fled into the convent in the first place.
My oath however now endebts me to him. Yea, the convent was a scam but ... thus it is to be condemned.

...

---

...
So, is this one case of me being like ... victim to Eshem/Shelob?

It would seem that way. I mean, the story is not absent to me. And sure, it would be my bad if I didn't like ... 'check'. But there comes a point ... . And in this instance I suppose I have to call on God to be my witness because ... this is like, getting ridiculous and I don't know what else to say or do. And I suppose He is hinting me towards it like. Sure, at some point all this "due diligence" is like ... annoying?
Well ... and on the other hand there's also His part to it.

I mean, He knows my reservations - but ... He also knows other things. And one image or symbol that kind of keeps popping up ... or a pattern ... is ... as a thread, bent in the middle and twisted around itself. Like an 8 ... but open towards the bottom. In this instance the symbol would lend itself to the two sides of the story. My own intimate experience on one end and some ... more commonly digestible one.

To say, eventually: This feeling of condemnation is no constant thing. As life happens ... I get to be "this". Or "that" ... where I sit here doing this or that, or some such thing. And like yesterday ... that feeling just overcame me and I had to throw up and in that moment of misery I had my condemnation rubbed into my face. So, another way to look at "this whole NNT thing".


In a first instance we wonder how we can like ... recognize such things officially, in a second instance we may wonder how to do the same in respects to baptism for the dead; And then we have a whole new class of ... "person".

That would be the fantasy. But uhm ... yea. But!


I don't know. There seem to be like ... two ways to go about it.


Or so.
So, let's ... change perspective maybe. Because on a completely separate note a totally different path to take when looking at these things, is to look at "my Master". Here in quotation marks to speak of "them" to a Neutral capacity a.k.a. 'spouse'. Here, starting within Neutrality and "no implicit anything else", the situation entitles 'them' to take the lead in the relationship. The Severity of the Bond, we may say, could be seen as a representation for the depth of that leadership.
Or its kind. It may also be understood as a representation of the desires - so, the base principles upon which the leadership would be based.

And here ... . I mean, I wrote a bit and got kind of entangled in some mess that I now recognize as part of a bigger problem that contextually intersects with what I was 'actually' thinking about.

So, maybe ... let's first take a step back and take a little detour, like ... an interlude.


There was something else I wanted to comment on that ... well, it eludes me now but it kind of wasn't about these things but it also kind of seemed to fit. Hmm ... what was it?

Well, maybe I'll remember. Anyway.
For all intents and purposes I MEAN to preach to the choir here, and ... hmm.

The Twisted Thread

Is nothing weird or wicked because that's kind of just how threads are. Well, I suppose ... it depends.

I would further think of it as a matter of two sides, like a wedding contract, where the middle would be a guiding line ... where certainly ... God has to play a vital role.

Now, me being me, I have certainly been a sucker for Love and it certainly does make sense for me to evaluate how my wisdom on the matter has evolved. I boast the assistance of the Eternal Father, so ... how do I fare figuring this shit out?

So, well. "My Thread" - or should we call it a braid? - reads as a Porn. It is extremely one sided, because that's what's in the Title. There is no "what I want" or so, just the terms and conditions.

Now, what is God in there?


As the tired old story goes ... but recut and rephrased ... there first of all is 'form' and then there is 'fiction'. And yes, this is about "Mother's Comb". I have form and along with it comes fiction. Fiction that we may call implicit. The form in essence demands it. And yea, if we want to speak of 'perversion' as something that is a negative - so, where the word works as intended - we can here speak of a "primal form" ... alias 'an ideal' ... which also has a certain depth to it. I mean, there's a 'resolution factor' and it like, doesn't make sense to not try and go all the way.
God at the very least knows it already - and thus there's like a baseline of 'realism' to the 'hope' that we can Have when having a healthy relationship with Him.

So, then ... talking of marriage. Sure. My braid is ... like, a contract of enslavement which like embosses a form onto me - where like ... for all intents and purposes You could throw me to the gutter and I'd have to thank You for it. This then is the form of "the Contract" - however, I do still exist as a whole on my own.

So, while my braid is one sided, we further still talk of a relationship and a marriage. So, when brought together, the two of us would have an ongoing exchange - speaking again of the two-sidedness of this situation. It is here then where desires and passions unfold, presented as a first instance or 'original shape' - which can probably get all kinds of messed up "realistically speaking", given circumstances and all ... so that in the haze of things it might seem silly to also be concerned of 'form' in all this. But then, what is fiction without the proper form if not a vanity and a vain hope?
And then, what is Love if not just a happenstance?

Well ... isn't it then so that for Love to be worth the while, a conflux of circumstances is required that may or may not be deemed realistic. One way to go about it is to ask what You can do Yourself to control that conflux, and therefrom one way is to look at ones self and from there again are even more ways to go about it. But also, ever so often, it all depends on the environment, also. Like, how can I even begin to have a relationship with someone, whom I never met in the flesh?
And ... sooner or later, the matter of life and death imposes that question. What of the loves of my past?

But so, what am I looking at? Whom am I forgetting or whom might I forget? Where is the one ... whom I care about the most? The one to whom my promises ... matter the most? Can there be such a thing? Or does it all have to be as sand in a flashback?

But don't we therefore go before our Gods ... as for a testimony?

Now, in truth, God can do far better than just give Testimony. I mean, what are we talking about? He is like ... the essence of Existence itself. And so we can come to speak of potentials and ideals - we can even go and imply perfection. One however does have to unlock it and then come to terms with it. I mean, perfection ... "is a laudible goal" ... but it sure does come at a cost.

So, on more reasonable grounds does this 'relegate' perfection to the sidelines. As an in-between and all-throughout.

Like so, my partner and I can exist in isolation. That is ... a sphere that is perfectly pure with nothing but ourselves in it. That is a hypothetical sphere, as it possibly exists within God's mind somewhere - where one easy way to get in tune with it is to let Him take us there. No hacks required.

Although, there can be like a million of these, so ... which one we end up with also kind of depends on how we try to get there ... to put it in this mildly confusing way.

The moment now that God however steps in and 'does' something ... at that point we move from the 'hypothetical' into the 'real'. Though to us it may be far removed and inaccessible ... what He does IS happening.
Well, on the one end is active reasoning perhaps ... and eventually there is intent. So, put it as You will ... when it's on it's on.

And there's layers to it. Like ... the intermediate is one of them.


So, to come back to desires and leadership ... there is first of all this relationship that I would say "starts to become serious" once a certain stability comes to light. Like, in the back and forth we give and take and apart from what we show there is what we feel which then deepens the relationship for as far as the synergy persists.
On top of that our cognitive 'grasp' may eventually consolidate aspects of this back and forth - such as an expressed mutual desire to "be together" as it were.

But ... what now is Form?


Well ... Form does matter in all of this, and I suppose there's ultimately no telling 'how' because we all have different priorities. If Love were my highest priority, my form would be heavily influenced by that.
All in all we can take Form into a relationship as much as we can derive it From a relationship.

Ultimately however it is safe to say that Form does always have an external capacity - within any frame of reference. So, it always 'transcends' whatever Box we're looking at.

At least within our wee little 3.5 Dimensional world.


And so, yes, 'Clarity' ... or my proposed understanding of it ... should be relatively clear with this on mind.
Naturally there has to be a beginning somewhere; And we can think of it as twofold. On the one end is one's self in the present of its now, and on the other is the divine ideal held by God. One simple way to think of the convergence between the two is to think of it as an embrace which could be visualized as a Cape perhaps. Something that shows that God is with You on this, and to that You can further react while also building on it.

And once an Element is in play, as it were, so ... once God makes a thing matter ... it matters. That's the thing about things being real in the For REAL!


So is Form ultimately this super complicated thing; Except it also really just 'is'. What's complicated is how we deal with it in the now or within the circumstances presented to us. Or in more simple terms: Time. Naturally the Form eventually exceeds what 'now' can capture - as it has a geometric proclivity to exponentially outgrow any chain of real-time events. So, more to the point, what matters is the maintainance of balance as a function over time.

The "wedding contract" is one slice of it all, where the one that matters is the one that God maintains. As He testified things unto me and I testified unto Him - there is a truth that is therefore real beyond the spoken.
Now, while it functionally alters my consciousness to the point where I once more can be reduced into a function, as 'instead of' "Identity=form+fiction" - the reality is that there is a form that needs to be maintained as a function over time.

So, let's speak of a pit of despair perhaps ... ???






One key item of 'my' Pit of Despair - the one I speak of fondly - is a special Character. It would ultimately happen to be my master, as at the climax of my ... Form or concept of Love and Joy or eternal happiness or whatever ... that kind of makes sense. And between us, this Pit of Despair is something ... well, we can rely on - as for a who is who and what kind of desires flow and how they matter and such. So, while at first the relationship may be seen as happening in an isolated sphere, it may very well expand beyond that. So, as the desires get stronger and become 'more real' - the variance of the scene also narrows down to its core motivations.

And so, while this Pit is, on one end, completely tailor made - it is on the other also raw and unfiltered. It is controlled chaos in that the dominant desires are driven as contained in a God-made form.

One way to think of it is that 'maintenance of the form' may happen in that a situation can satisfy multiple aspects of it. Balance comes into play depending on how things saturate and desaturate. And 'the divine' form has to be understood as something that is implicit and fundamental. Without it, all of this is just dust - or a dark cloud hovering in the depths of our mind.

Well, with exception of a few lights maybe? Well ... sure. I mean ... it may very well be that the experience is individual. At first glance the issue to me seems to be that what lights there are - as from ourselves - are raw and chaotic, but within reason we can certainly try to comprehend and shape them.
"True subsitence into Form" as per 'divine standards' is definitely that, but on a different scale.


Here, try to think less of a 'shell' and more in terms of 'winds' - and 'gravity wells'. Gravity Wells for once can shift depending on what factors are in place and how strong they are. So, while ordinarily we would be subject to chaos here, God can make it part of the design.

And then there are outlines. In as far as God can blend in with emotions, thoughts and imaginations, He can also do the opposite to much of the "same" effect.


Uhm so ... OK. There is this mental image that You might have, or so, a visual representation of it. The way in which I feel the chains of my commitments on the other hand in in the 'now' - and they keep my mind functionally locked in this "Identity Cage" that is a quasi outer form thereof.

Now ... whatever that may be ... consider ("imagine"):
A solid marital bond that is constituted by God as a link between two people - it would climax in a state of utmost perfection and the individual is inescapably linked to it, which also means that certain emotional boundaries or highways exist associated with that.
What the 'item' of slavery now changes is that my marital commitment is 'functionalized' - where, maybe another short tangent is in place.

There is submission as a Kink that can exist between just two. The form would ultimately depend on who's in control of it. At the heart of it, that was what I previously tried to describe, there's an intimate synergy as a kind of core motivator - and what I'm trying to get at is about humiliation.

Humiliation is here at first a 'betrayal' of the 'function'. Well, the function being 'marriage' and humiliation comes via the 'abuse' of the function; Abused in the sense that it is not used in the "original sense".
So, of course "duh", double "duh" ... - what this means is that there are manifestations aligned alongside an 'intimate vector' as it were - that is - where things are "good", counter to which there is or 'are' "disaligned" vectors.
By which I mean: Enslavement or Prostitution does not necessarily require Humiliation.
And furthermore: At least hypothetically?


However ... Humiliation also "fires" 'against' some perceived state of well-being or comfort. Which is to say, it kind of depends. Humiliation for humiliation's sake for instance is one thing, but humiliation as per the previous description is something more specific. "Most specific" when done right.
That also means that there are multiple venues for it depending on how many "streams of alignment" there are.


.... hmm ... what ... was I? Where? Huh ... uhm. Desires and Leadership?


Ah, the thing. OK, about the story with the two crazy folk. I feel like that a part of it required me to be a man for a whole lot of my life. But because I'm a woman that would cause issues. So, apparently that didn't stop us, which means that the issues are a thing. Or ... would be, should be ... if this 'hallucination' isn't just that.

I don't know what else to say about that, but in my mind it kind of connects with this other thing, which is that this ... "soul breaking" thing, or so this 'giving up' - it ... it really sucks. I mean, to run around knowing that I ... gave up ... that I couldn't have endured ... however much longer ... it's kind of humiliating. I mean, the whole situation then kind of flows into this condemnation rather smoothly. My Master here also in play among the factors.

As for humiliation or an actual USE of me - well, ... is this funny or is this sad?



Hmm ... I'm tired.
Tired of thinking. ...
I ...

?



!!! Well. To me, humiliation is certainly implied. In simplest terms a Force that drags me into a context - whether I want to or not - but ... all that aside ... so, how do I feel about it?

I could certainly need a break. I mean, faith for instance. It required a lot of telling me this or that, a lot of things that turned out to be BS and very little to the contrary; And that too comes at a cost. It pollutes the mind I guess. Normally we'd get to clean the filters through a good life, I guess - but when that fails, things ought to turn problematic. So, the question then becomes, what God can do about it.
And I suppose we've done it before. You get through the night ... and that's that. At least in theory. But then, things weren't that easy, were they?

I guess ... one perhaps important aspect is the context. Like, who were the players? What did I give up to? Was there a particularly scary enemy, or was it to spite God? Well, I guess at first there was just me. So, there wasn't anything to spite, which may have helped. Then the very next thing was "sanctified". So, whether the Dog was to be trusted or not ... well. I suppose it was played as if not, but then I also kind of had to - and since I didn't know what was happening I just said "fuck it". Give or take.
And so, whatever my ego compells me to think about such things, it did in deed take a burden. As like ... a true opportunity for God to step in and ... now. I mean, it may take a while. Not sure "what" exactly ... but uhm, yea.

We'll see ...