More stuff to do

What a strange ... what's it now? Two weeks?
Well, it's March. Which is ... like ... weird. I certainly lost like ... two days to be exact. My sleep schedule is more "whenever I like it" than ever. Like, I mean, it's the upgraded version. Previously I'd just do stuff until I kind of ... keel over. Which is like ... easier said than done sometimes. Now I'm more mindful of whether or not I have enough juice to even do what I have on mind. I spend more time on the chair ... thinking ... but also a lot more time on coding as opposed to thinking. Uhm, there's a rat's tale of 2026-[03-05]_previously.html ... and the short of it is ...

That's past - now is now - and ... tomorrow, now will be yesterday and so the importance of it all is fairly relativistic. The way I feel now is different to how I felt yesterday - but generally there's a frequency with which things return to how they once were. Give or take. Each time a little.

In this instance, tomorrow is also a matter of yesterdays. Like - the tomorrow I'm working on now couldn't be worked on without the yesterday to build upon. It's a fairly trivial insight, but yet I somehow struggle with it. Which is ... I want some kind of term for that ... a jungle. A jungle of the mind. The fact that we're not purely logical - that we're driven by what we might call "instinct" or "emotion" - where we're ALWAYS "in the thick of it".

Like, looking back we understand our situation better. And in as far as we changed from what we were into what we are, we like naturally develop a distaste for certain things. Depending on whether we like what we've become or not. But ... 'logically' there's just too much stuff to be concerned about. Like ... all the stuff that's been going through my mind ... the last two weeks were ...

You could almost call it a "lesson on what "too much weed" looks like" - but, there's other things going on also. I've been taking it slow ... and there seems to be a certain level I want to reach. I mean, it's one thing to do the fairly easy, simple and obvious steps towards the envisioned goal ... but as I am repeatedly reminded of it, the vision is often fairly incomplete. So, the more easy and simple the steps are, the more treachery there is in those steps.

Luckily I have some kind of radar that tells me when things get a little too wonky. But alas, I've been running into mystery bugs again. But yea, I've also fixed issues with the code I had hoped weren't in there - but I also always knew, or at least was worried that it might be so. Uhm, but yea. Now there's this ... new point sprite shader I wanted to have - so that instead of 5 floats I'd only use base vertices. But ... not even calling a function, just having it be there seems to be enough for the system to fail. I had a similar issue previously with implementing mouse features. And ... if the issue seems to be a memory leak somewhere - I don't want to think that this is a mystery bug. But I've like double checked and tripple checked. Yes, COPY was bad. The mouse code is bad. There's lots of bad.

And I'm also like ... caught between building upon the code I have versus improving the code I have. Like, from working with what I have I develop an idea of what I have - which eventually is an idealized version that the thing itself would or should eventually try to mimic. Unless the idealized version is just too simple. So, I'm fairly contempt with what I have - to say that there also isn't a tremendous need to change things. But ... it's the little need that bothers me.


Especially when things are like ... sensitive to detail. There's a lot of "wires", we might call them, that run through the system - and between trying new things, fixing things, unbreaking things, re-arranging things, abandoning things and stuff, it's easy to lose track or sight.


So, I'm trying to conceptualize what the next update is going to be like - and right away there's a load of tiny little things that need fixing here and there and I haven't really kept track of it all. But there's like a 'step by step' from stable to stable - but uhm, ... we'll see.
More to the point is it so that I'm like stuck with a lot of "half-features". Just like in the previous/current build, it's ... more like "look, it's there" ... but what real use is there for them? And that's a thing I have to wrestle with now. Like ... is there a certain fear that I have ... from ... completing things?

It might seem that way. It seems that a lot of the nothing that I've done ... (stitting, thinking, chosing not to code) ... is like, a personality thing rather than logical. Like, I don't want to do the logical thing. Like I want to do things different for the sake of it. And sure, there's a lot of ... traces of this You could find here and there. But You could also write them up to other things. But that's ultimately also a thing to contend with. But yea, sometimes 'logical' is ... only ... conditionally so. Or ... 'logical by appearance' - as in, it's a happenstance created between objects. But when the configuration of objects changes, so does the logic. And objects can be anything from real to hypothetical.


How about this one: Our misfortunes are determined by our fortunes.?
Or "determined by our luck".? The thing is ... and head-theatre provided me with another hypothetical situation like that ... that ... I mean, I take it that my ability to turn away from things and focus on stuff like code or things of that nature is a luxury or fortune I have while others have to contend with more serious issues. Where the things we "have to" contend with are 'given' - not as by our choice but by happenstance, like, as per the evaluation of the cosmos.
Like, you do you - and that takes You places. And what You care about - and what You CAN do - that produces a 'right way' in a sense. So, our fortunes determine our misery.


Anyway. So, I'm working on things and I've been ... thinking to wrap this up, but ... it kind of doesn't make sense to just ... add things. I mean, if I don't put them to use ... they're just gimmicks. Like, I have a commandline now. Like, I had it two weeks ago ... and I'm still working on things that might then be accessed. I mean, I'm not really thinking of piping the commandline to linux at this point. That's not the issue. And it's like ... if You wanted it You'd build it Yourself ... like ... it's not that critical. So - with all that, there's like a 'right way' I suppose.

So, it seems like we're going into 002 at some point - but I also kind of don't want to just yet. And, that's a fairly new thing. Like, I start to see it. Once enough changes so that the new cody is more incompatible with the base than not ... it's essentially a new base so the number changes. And to see changes to the code in that light, well ... this is the first time I take conscious note of it. Or, it's the first expression of this sense that's been developing.

And so, what I'm thinking of is like a final 001 build ... simply because I think that this will give me a better idea of how to approach moving on to 002. However ... I suppose it's not THAT that important?
Like ... that aside ... there's like a "raw" target I/we want to arrive at. And there's ideas I'm having that are like marked as "we're not going to have this". Maybe you could call them 'trade secrets'. I suppose You can see the things if You're immersed in the code. Maybe You need a helping hand to show You around. But some of those things are also relatively obscure or ... there's a lot of "volume", I suppose, for expansion - but You really only need ONE system ... to fit into it. Which is ... a "for better or worse" type of thing. Because naturally it extends accross ... multiple things, will need its own identity - and has to comply with ... well, ideas I suppose.

I'd say that the logic of what comes next is fairly simple. By the time I started the work I thought that last weekend would be late. Now I'm still like ... "nowhere" ... but in the meantime I've also learned a bit about the role that my will or motivation plays in all this. I mean ... it's one thing to let God guide me, but if I'm not motivated ... to also follow that guidance, things aren't going to work out that well. That's the simple truth. The complicated story around it is that 'motivation' or 'willingness' ... they aren't as simple or straightforward as we might be led to believe.

I mean, thoughts and ideas, for instance, can work as 'sand' does in a "fistfight". The "realm of the mind" is a lot more like a battlefield than one might think - but it's also not as straightforward as a Dragon Ball brawl either.


Here's a thing: During my chaotic sleep cycle I happened to get up at one point ... and I felt drowsy. Like, the way I'd feel if had to get up for work. Then I checked the clock, and Yup, it was exactly that kind of time. So, is it NTA or ETP? Again, I suppose I should not dare say - but generally I assume ETPs to be real. Like ... uhm. Yea, framing.

So, in that head-theatre I mentioned earlier, there was a scene playing out between two people. The situation being that A felt wronged by B in a way ... because B is imposing and trying to domineer the situation; Having caught A in the wake of it. So, as by the logic, A is obligated to challenge B - or else B is going to be the victor. And these situations matter. Little ones. Schoolyard logic. So, turning the other cheek, turning around, letting "them have it" would be the right thing to do. Unless ... it's not.
My response however is kind of stated above. I can't tell you. I would ... move on ... but I'm also like ... obligated to do so. It's my scope of duties within this fight - we can say. But ... maybe these differences don't matter.
Anyway ... the thing there is this: As A were to engage with B, A would further fall into the trap of B where the trap is the 'framing' of the situation where A is in conflict with B - and that as above the 'issues' that A is having. Like, politics right now. Or ... like ... a year ago. Two?

You could then also put it like this: Anyone can come up to You ... (well, not actually. A stage would need to be set such that the attention can fall upon that 'anyone' - but 'anyone' also rather says: No actual merits required) ... and frame this current situation of me as one between me and ... [select]. In each frame, my motivations could be explained differently. Each frame would present a different 'logic' that would produce a "best thing to do" - and ... so on and so forth. Like, can I be trans just because I'm trans or can I only be trans "because of" ... like, I want to get laid with YOU in particular? I mean, that used to be the way transphobia played out while all this anti-trans bubble was still growing. That a person being trans is all about THEM somehow.

And I guess that's the idea that people then get. Like, [select:Bathroom]. In this frame, all that we transes care about is invading women's spaces because "in truth" we're just "men who dress as women because ..." ... in this particular instance we want to be in women's bathrooms. And yes, sooner or later this discussion will involve someone who shall not be named, which is ... just the way of things. The situation eventually frames itself.

And this is ... Kosti's Journey for You. Eshem versus Wisdom. What do You choose? Do You choose "the world of sensuality", getting spun up in soothing lies for what comfort it brings ... or can You find the strength to escape?

What do You care about?


I mean, I for my part feel that the frame I'm supposed to operate within is somewhat shifting constantly, but naturally ... instead of wasting my WHOLE energy on chasing after that (hmm, deja vue) ... it seems that another frame has kind of appeared. The issue therewith is one of how much I have done versus how much I am yet to do. And I have to add that there's always stuff to do. Well, I would assume.

And yea, I mean ... . Though on one side I stand before God 'blameless', spotless, I do get a sense of what all these sins are that supposedly gave/give Him troubles. And I'm not sure, but this 'spotlessness' certainly doesn't translate into infallibility. Or perfection of that kind. I mean, add to that, that the weight of expectations would require me to fit into a neat little box, though a part of it is also to not do that ... so, yea.


As for how I'm feeling. Well ... I guess ... good. All things considered. This warm sensation - let it be a soul or some special ointment from God's kitchen - well, I'm not feeling hollowed out. Instead I'm getting like ... shivers. And yea ... I suppose I have to wrap this up now.

I suppose right now I'll play some Minecraft.
I mean, throughout the last two weeks I've been chasing a certain feeling, also. One that hearkens back to the beginnings of this whole (Crystals) endeavor ... or more so, from before that. A feeling I would get after waking up ... a feeling of inspiration, a feeling of clarity and the joy of tinkering and building ... - a feeling that was sorely absent for the most part. A feeling that'd eventually creep in ... every other year. For a bit. And now I've managed to wake up like that ... two days in a row. Which is to say ... it's a mix of completed work, restedness and ... stuff. But ... I suppose it all boils down to a certain level of 'peace'.

Right now I don't feel rested enough, so - my idea of what "the right state of mind" entails has expanded somewhat; And taking these new parameters into account ... well, I suppose I'm working on it. Like, I've come to a point of completion - which doesn't mean that it's "shippable" - I have some work left to do to make it 'technically complete' - or at least something along those lines - and yea. This ... kind of work is ... I don't need to wait for inspiration to do it, I need to do it to do it. But for how much more there is to it than it would seem at first, I need that extra amount of peace. And I suppose it is also that, rather than inspiration. I mean, it's a difference as between 'can' and 'have to'. Not that it matters, but ... well, it does.

So, there's no need to explain that right now. I suppose. The point is, trying to do work while "unrested" eventually leads to problems I then have to spend time on fixing them; which reduces peace and that ... was basically part of the mess that I've created for myself. With that, motivation decreases and there then ... 'work' that had to be done as for the heck of it would ... more easily fall by the wayside.
And it's ... . I mean, motivation is a good word for it.
But I've noticed it ... that ... somewhere deep inside me something ... was resisting the process. I mean, previously I could tell myself that other things mattered more - justified excuses for not doing certain things - but once they become inevitable, this resistence becomes more apparent. And it's not so much a resistence as it is a ... tiny crack that had once formed which eroded over time and eventually led to more critical failures.

It's not a 'driving' matter, it's a 'manipulating' matter - I guess, also can be noted. So, I mean, sometimes I do stuff and I hate myself for doing it. I hate the process, I hate everything about it - although I have a burning passion for it and really would want to do more of it. I got that recently while drawing out some sprites/spritesheets/textures ... - and trying to think of what to put in. And I got more and more angry ... because the stuff I wanted to have to then implement was already done - and instead of actually working it in I was there doodling around ... and ... yea. This is one way ... this can play out. And I suppose you can relate to the situation. Like, here I'm 'driven' both ways - so, two passions collide and eventually the dominant one takes over. But that was also before - or so part of the way untowards - "fixing my peace".
So, eventually I stopped doodling, got back to the code and then had a better idea of where my doodles went wrong, by the way. I mean, I don't have gimp on my flash-drive; And ... I don't know but the "consciousness separator" works for me.

Then there's ... ugh. I just had another example. Hmm ... . Anyway. 'Manipulation' ... . It's ... . I mean, I suppose I for once have difficulties addressing the issue. It's like ... I'm walking around the bush. I would have something implied that I want to further regard as "unimportant". Or unspecified. That I'd say is the top level ... manifestation of the problem at question here. Sure, one problem may be one of words. But to even go and produce them ... to get started ... feels like ... well ... sacrilege. I should make that bold. So, it's like ... yea, Galaxy Quest comes to mind. But the Minecraft movie also made a jab at it. It's a widespread trope. The "cute beast" or "repenting villain" - the ... "honey pot" for the righteous(/"frigid") as it were. The problem isn't wether or not You're motivated to do the right thing, it's whether or not your sensitivities allow you to.

And sure. By default I'd allow myself to be guided, trying to stay in touch with God - and yea. It works because God can simply work at deeper Levels than whatever else there is. But there's still the threshold of my own consciousness, or more to the point: "The Interface" - the what I now see is now. Basically. The point where all of the impressions come together - consciously - for me to operate within. And as I've tried to tell You, I'm not always sure of what to make of things. I suppose it's even in the Bible.
So, it's not like "the Devil" motivates me to not do a certain thing or 'drives' me to do mischief - it's that whenever I in the past chose not to do a thing, that 'reasoned' motivation would grow into some 'irrational' counter point. I'd think of ETPs. So, I found this hole in me. I guess. My work finally boiling down to all the "haven'ts" - and in it a "force point" that boiled down to "not doing it" - like ... almost quite literally like a hole in the armor. Like, a bullet hole. Or some other "forced point of entry". One narrowed down enough, I suppose I can even make out the ... well, source of it, as being more like ... an entity that would come to harm should I "do the thing" ... which is another ... thing in the whole that ... all in all I'd say ultimately did a remarkable job at ... making me slowly lose ... it. My grip of it. The motivation/mojo. Again ... two conflicting passions, in a way, but the situation is like more fucked up than beyond fucked up. I assume there go years and years of ... layers and issues and stuff. Like ... what's the thing? Felt? While I would grow and evolve, these ... "knots" would also grow ... . I mean, at base I don't know where the pity came from. I probably didn't know. I was just like ... "Hmm ... let me be careful" ... and next thing You know, my work is getting wonky. Like, without someone to keep me in check, that's ... problematic. So, making it public was one way to add pressure - as the next logical step would inevitably need to follow logically. Or so. It's a way of forcing out the practical versus letting the superstitions of artistic freedom stand in the way. Add other circumstances that further confuse things - and so, without a resolution, those issues kind of ... get stuck. A new motivation might get them unstuck again ... but as I would then focus on a different thing, the counter motivation to whatever I was not doing at the time might grow. So, at long last ... the immaterial consequences would still come to matter.

But so - I can feel the 'hole' because I can motivate myself to close it. Now the issue is: Whether or not I need to keep it shut. Like, what if this Entity is God? I mean, something like that would be the "pull". And the issue however isn't so much about knowing the voice of God, but knowing what it isn't. So, I can feel that this hole exists more so because I allow it to. And it feels like ... it's not as simple as a yes or no. Which is probably the theme for this time around. The Manipulations of the Antichrist - or what the Bible, in this context, would call "Magic Tricks".

I mean, the more I look at it, the more I can see it being built out. I mean, I look at it - to do so I maintain a sense of it - and yea, in real time ... as I do so ... it's ... consolidating itself. So, right now this hole is standing there like "Yes, of course I want to let the devil into my project so they can mess things up because I'm too lazy or fucked to do a thing about it and uh ..." - OK, that's kind of where we're at right now.

But there's also ... counter-measures. Like, little things here and there that ... essentially did help set the stage for this visualization to come into existence in the first place. I presume. And I might add that I note a slight ... a strange sensation to not judge too prematurely ... when it comes to this. Like ... yea, I guess - these are the wheels on which the story drives ... untowards either a good or a bad ending.


So yea, playing Minecraft might be counterproductive. It supports my laziness - we could say. And when putting it this way, I assume that a lot more people can relate. As one of the first sayings - if not THE first saying - that I memorized goes: The bad thing about doing nothing is that You can't tell when You're done with it.

And yes, it is true. You need to do things ... to know when You're done doing things. Sotospeak. And You mustn't think of things strictly in terms of now. I mean, all in all - I've always seen how ... in just a few short weeks time I could be done with the whole thing. "it's that simple!". But like ... 10-20 years later ... I have my doubts.
But it was part of what kept me motivated. The 'sense' of it. The 'understanding' ... the "OMG I want to have it and work with it" ... uhm. Yea. I suppose.

But then the thing with reactionary behavior is ... that ... well. Your "enemy" doesn't know what You want ... or what the right thing for You is. They know what it isn't - in as far as their motivations don't care about You. You need to find Your own way ... and ... then You need to, well, it kind of sucks to say it but I can't deny that there's a speck of glee in there ... "Git Gud".