Hear Ye

So, first things first ... I guess. THIS ... isn't an update per se. This is me ... telling You that I'm taking yet another detour, while detailing some of the things that went on - and what ultimately went into this decision. Because, it's a lot. Kind of.
In a sense ... it's like an update in and of itself.


Like, a lot had to happen - I suppose - for me to come to this point. I guess in a sense it was inevitable - that because I know God (how I know Him) and God knows me and for as long as we're working together, that's how things go. Well, that is ... if this decision was right. I guess. But, at long last it's not so much a decision as it is the consequence of a sequence of events relative to my own motions within those events.

And what counts as 'event' is here predominantly a "mind" thing.


I've written a bunch of stuff; Uhm ... but at some point I'll also have to become more reserved, as to here say; Ask me for it later ... perhaps; But one important part of it ... well. How to spin the narrative?

"It all started somehow" - but what? When I think of what led me to this point in the way I'm here now, it all starts with some kind of ... heart to heart, I guess. I've been feeling under pressure, frustrated, hopeful, confident - all the things. Frightened. A clash of everything - and ever so barely close to an abyss with very little to hold on to. It would seem like there's nothing I can do. "Perform or die" - as it were. So I did what I knew about performing under pressure - which is to try and "breathe breezy lightily through my pants" - but that would eventually tip the scales the other way. Too much rest. Analysis Paralysis. More frustration. And here I'm trying to draw a bit of a picture of what the situation was - and what I think could have happened or was about to happen. Yea, that latter way of putting it ... that makes it work. Could it have happened? That's like ... a philosophical question with a breeze of semantics.

Now, I can't tell You how to live Your life, how to distinguish right from wrong, friends from foe - and all that. And it matters ... because how You resolve those issues makes up part of the reality we live in. When it comes to Your attitude towards or about me; That might be fairly inconsequential ... to You ... in Your frame of reference ... but to me it's everything. And from the moment that this narrative started to evolve ... I was in two minds about it. On the one side ... sure, OF COURSE I would like to continue working on my project; And see it evolve towards what I have on mind. On the other side, it is exactly what I told You would happen ... well - if it happened, sotospeak - where now somehow ... I guess in simplest terms: The goalpost has shifted. Everything that the thing is right now ... is ignored because it doesn't meet some arbitrary standard. A standard we can't negotiate because of this issue - that we can't tell each other how to live. I can't tell You that You're wrong ... believing the things that make it so. Eventually it is in fact a philosophical question.

But so there are consequences. You may feel right to challenge me; And You may feel confident in me, even so. That doesn't then change what I "have to" do and "why". And sorry ... but that then is me ... playing a game I'm sure I've tried to tell You not to play.
And so ... who cares? Silly me - old killjoy - and so and such. I mean, I felt like "that's what we were just doing" - but alas ... "can't have that" now ... can we?


Phew, sorry.
So, what did I do. I said "fuck it" - and "what else am I gonna do?" - but that's ultimately ... one of the things I landed on. It doesn't matter ... 'what' I do. And I've said so for a long time but the realization of just ... how far or deep it goes ... uhm ... . It's about the narrative. And who controls it. And for as long as You keep falling for it ... it won't matter 'what' I do. Like, here it is: A right thing versus a wrong thing to do. If I do the wrong thing ... I at least did so doing the 'right' thing. Which is to not fuel the false narrative. At least, that's how I feel about it. A complete Inversion ... of the way.


And ... honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. Or didn't. To be completely honest ... I find it kind of stressful in a way that's somewhat counter-productive ... to do my work under these circumstances. I don't know ... what I can do, in terms of what I actually 'might' ... . Like, whom can I reach? How much do You care? And what about? Can we enter a productive relationship or will I have to here ... slave away while Armageddon is happening?
Good point, let's wait for that?

And that's like ... point one, or part one. The more immediate ... issues. The - stress versus distress balance of things; Where ... in as far as God kicks in when I kick back ... there's that. And somewhere along those lines "He" was like ... signalling a victory of sorts. Maybe the immediate consequence was minimal - but on the long run that's a fuck You in training/under construction.

And little by little - the tip scaled and "He" had to make gestures to make sure that I was going to keep going. Then I kind of got to a point known as "the end of the green road" ... while also having had an idea that was like 'highlighted' ... while also getting the vibe of ... I should start to wrap things up.

Which I did, started to do, but I'm still stuck on something and without it ... it's kind of pointless. But ... anyway, it was late, such and such ... and now I'm here. So, this is in a way part of the wrap; But also not. Like, I have to rewrite a few things - so, a fresh start is in order - and a few things yet to build I suppose ... are to benefit from that. But so ... during that time things will be a little exposed; I feel - and I don't want to take this thing online.

And so this update.


But ... that's also just part of it.
It's the dominant part however. Like - I'd say - where God's muscles show that just ... "make me go where He needs me to" ... to which it helps that I understand; Like ... that's how I then do what I'm supposed to.

So, it helps to do this in a different environment. So, I've been setting up a new Crystals installation somewhere ... and ... that's the one I take for a fresh start - before I then comment on how to spin it in.

To not take this thing online for that time ... well, it may be paranoid ... but not in a good way. I mean, if I were paranoid I'd make sure that I stick to the paranoia and try to not expose myself like that; But I'm not - so - I don't know if I have to be. Which means that when I fail my paranoia check, that creates uncertainties.

Like yea, I've been taking out my trash - and two times I kind of left my thumb-drive in and didn't even lock the screen. So, there's ... two ... windows already.
So, I have to be tricky with my data ... given that I can't hide my laptop in a backpocket.


But within all of that, some other thing unfolded. Maybe I should keep quiet about it, given that I don't really have the answer just yet. But there was a question - so, what do I want? And I guess ... some people look at it and get suspicious. "It's exactly the kind of narrative" - where I can't want anything because "vibes" while You wouldn't stop Yourself from anything You want - practically. You sure wouldn't tell others what they might or might not want.

Like, there are as many ways to mess this up as there are people who may have an opinion on it. It isn't this, it isn't that. And I don't think it ever will be 'enough' - like, in a way that does what "it's supposed to". That is a You problem. Like, if You want something to hand around and point towards ... don't let it be a lie!

I'm going to this, I'm going to that ... well, maybe - maybe not. But how could I forsake You?
What the fuck? You're forsaking Yourself and I get the blame for it - how wonderful!
I mean, Reddington bringing up Tom feels different in Season 7 compared to the earlier ones.
And yea, good point. I mean ... what's the matter? Initially I felt kind of sorry, I suppose, at least I understood the angle of where he was coming from. But at some point he would have to come to the realization that it is all kind of his own fault; At least in a way; At least enough to change the way of how he talks about it. To not 'front' with the narrative that excuses him; But to front with the lessons learned - as a cautionary tale in the world of "we all fuck up from time to time".

Sure. I'm the one always doing that. Always learning the lesson - always ... yielding ... always ... outsmarted by those that don't. But yea, in the end ... hmm, I guess I have to wait for the punchline ... still. Wait for it ... . Any moment now ...


So - I don't know what I'm working towards. Or for. And that's ... an issue. And it's growing because of that question; And it's growing because I ... don't have the answer but trying to answer it still ... is part of the process and so - this is another angle to this story.

What am I even trying to build? And here we can also come to make this ... narrative come to a peaceful moment of closure. I mean, there are - in essence - two competing ... projects. The Sandbox I have marked off as a success ... like, it's just a way to play with the code, nothing special ... and I'm glad to work on it. To make the open source part happen. To make this a "You" thing. But I suppose it also doesn't go away ... which is an argument on the other side of things.

I mean ... I have 'terms/labels/names' for things on my mind. Things I might do. And in principle there's "the Game" - as the closed source extreme and some other thing as the open source extreme. And it would seem that some of those ideas are just not quite what they seem to be. I mean, they are possibilities - I guess. But are they options? Realistically? Like, if You were to ask me and I had a heart to heart with God about it ... ? Like, what is it that I want?

Yea, what is it?
Well - apart from the branch of the question that leads me to wonder about what I could want (which, it seems, if it were up to You isn't much good for me) - well, I feel like ... I have an unhealthy amount of wanting ... in the negative. So, too little. And I'm scared to want something because by my experience all I get is [feces] anyway.


And so, if only the one part of the story happened ... then I'd be done and be telling You that I'm working on it; That it'll take a little longer - but the underling issue won't be resolved. The opposite. And there's like ... no way that I can ... meet that demand; Which starts with my motivation, belief and convictions.


Technically, once the engine is in a place where I can call it ... 'done' ... such that I can wrap it up ... there will be another update. But until then I won't work on anything to that end. I may need to make some things work for me to build what I want - which I then might ... wrap and share. But that reminds me - this whole "tragedy" - if we want to call it that, began with one such thing. Hmm.
Like so, I tried ... but couldn't.
I would have ... but things took me elsewhere.
And if that's a failure ... then I failed.

I messed up, botched it - and am now trying to pick up the pieces.
And You have to figure out why the fate of the world depends on a videogame engine.


I mean - certainly, nobody has the right to "work on it" ... at least so far nobody has tried to acquire it or even inquire. So, it's all on me somehow. I guess.


And yea - ... am I seeing this right? Because the way it looks to me, I'm not the crazy one! I'm doing pretty well staying away from crazy, actually! And yea - that's ... a thing. I mean, I'm somehow obligated to tell You this - am I not? I mean ... sure ... "I can neither confirm nor deny" ... You do You ... and whatever. I know - I understand - I'm at Your Mercy. To ask, I suppose, what is it that YOU want?

I mean, instead of "thoughts and prayers" you might want to try something more concrete. Like a list. That I can read.


I mean, on the off chance that there are people that know a lot about what I could have done better ... how about it? Compile me a list and maybe add some suggestions.
I mean ... if You're alone ... then, ignore this - I suppose. I'm sure that whomever this is meant for is part of a group. I suppose there's multuple ... and maybe I'm seeing it wrong alltogether.

Point being ... what I want ... it takes me to my game. So, while I am not locked into my "closed source" - because I have solutions for the critical parts that would allow me to circumvent that - it is exactly that - the divergeance from what truly motivates me - that ... I guess it's like a time bomb. It makes my ideas baloon out of control ... while there is no substance to carry those ambitions.
I mean, mechanically, methodically - it's the same. I start with a suggestion and fill it out with functionality. But if I'm building something I don't want ... then I need not be surprised if what I end up with ... isn't what I want either.
It might be nice ot have a magic wand to have people just act in a certain way ... so yea, Crystals is awesome, it's basically the Future; And now I have all the freedom in the world to do what I want. I mean, that's where I thought we were at. So, why I'm "here" now ... I don't know. Something must be broken ...

So yea. To ... uhm, come back to the page ... I mean, it's what it is. Naturally ... they wouldn't just let me have it; Believe what You will. I mean - whatever it is WORTH - like in FOR REAL - that's a thing UTTERLY beyond my abilities right now. And technically I'm waiting for THAT to come together before I can REALLY ... do "the thing". And "the thing" - in that regard - would be the open source thing. Because that thing would be THE open source thing that the other thing ... would have to be a part of. So, yea - You might want to some details on what that could be; But apart from concepts and ideas - I suppose I don't have anything to share at this point.


And so - ultimately I don't know what I will do next. I mean, my plans usually ... don't last very long. If right now all I can do is hang tight; Then I suppose ... I'll keep running in circles, getting nowhere ... until it's done - and that being nothing that I can put my hands to.


So ... in brief ... I don't even know myself right now what I want to make of it; But leaning away from having to share it, seems to be the right way right now. I mean ... I'm not sure. Right now I'm thinking about rewriting/updating/improving the Librarian ... so ... lumberjack is back on the table ... Libra Universe would be the primary question mark ... like, just ... I don't know. I just don't know. So, at long last ... the next update ... might be similar; Except that I do know. I mean, it's a challenge in and of itself - and to properly do what I'm supposed to do, I have to find an answer.

So, that's where we're at - regarding that. Peace!