I may have overdosed on YouTube nonsense

I'm feeling a little psychotic. I mean, in the sense that my mental health has taken yet another dip - but ... something else is suggesting the opposite. Maybe it's both. Ups and downs. I suppose "burned" is a way to put it. And it's not really from doing a lot. I'm not doing much, by my standards; But alas, things keep getting harder. And I guess ... one thing I should learn from this ... let's call it a nervous breakdown ... is that pushing through isn't always healthy. I mean, pushing through - effectively, at some point at least (and that inevitably) - is a way of turning off warning mechanisms. And working in industry I know that disabling safety mechanisms on machines is like a big no no. And it needs to be emphasized because people tend to ignore those warnings. It's ... like a fight against windmills it seems.

And it makes sense. Like, my whole life is sort of dominated by this idea that I'm lazy. It's a nurture thing. I mean, my Dad always had encouraging words like: "You're going to be a garbage collector". I'm not sure if he ever said anything positive, encouraging or uplifting to me. I was always given the impression that I'm a lazy fuck, worthless and stupid.

And whatever I did ... well. It's not like I had the feeling like I could come to my dad with anything. And that kind of translates into how I deal with "adults". And because I didn't do things that the world understood how to measure - there wasn't ever feedback ... nor a limit. There wasn't ever an 'enough' - and I dragged that with me, through my depression and all that followed. I mean, ironically ... Therapy was stressful. I get that to some extent it's meant to be ... and for what it's worth I believe it did actually help, but that didn't remove a certain undercurrent of stress that there yet was. Eating for instance. I was terribly underweight, eating was important - and so the solution was to basically get on three full meals a day ... by brute force. So, of course when back out I'd try to relax that. Which I believe was the right call since things did get better - rehab worked; And coming from a doctor's appointment I also have the feedback that I don't even qualify for a light depression. Hmm ...
Yea, I ...
I noticed that I seem to be making more mistakes as of late.

My rambling doesn't seem to go anywhere - there doesn't seem to be a ... point. I mean, I still kind of see "a ball" - as it were, but the timescale has kind of shifted.


So ... I was doing fine. I was able to be in time, work and eat - and sure, overall ... adding Cannabis into the mix may have played a part in this situation now. But that's too simple.

And some might not like it, but ... there is then what I want to call "Gamer Psychosis". It's an idea I just had that kindof explains what I think is going on. I'm not having 'Gamer' Psychosis - so, it's not about Gaming per se. But, if You're so gaming a lot - it is in deed like a sport. A mental sport. Even if You're just playing Minecraft. What it means - in this context - to be a "Gamer", is to have it follow You through the day. Even if it just happens once or twice ... that You would spend Your day thinking of what to do when You come home. Be it building a thing in Minecraft or whatever.
So, what eventually happens is that the brain adapts to that. And a "Gamer Psychosis" is when these interests 'outgrow' whatever demands are otherwise put upon someone. It's a "one can't serve two Lords" type of thing. I'd say that eventually some kind of mental shear occurs, where so "one mind" "undercuts" the other. And I suppose that translates onto a lot of things. Potentially.

And so it becomes a problem 'when'. So, Cannabis for instance would amplify creative impulses and such - 'mutating' the mind in a way that is more in line with what it wants or tries to be; And that causes a variety of symptoms that ... could qualify as laziness and other negatively connotated items.

Like ... in a way my mind "sweats out" what it doesn't want. So, smoking weed and doing things I enjoy has me literally leak professional competence in a way - where trying to brute force "real life" into 'true life' - like, seriously because say ... pressure - the functions of the mind eventually give up because the mental landscape doesn't make sense.


Anyway. I'm trying to take it easy - God is telling me that I'm doing fine - and I still haven't really begun. I may have just begun to understand what it means to have peace doing this stuff.

On another note ... I'm slowly starting to get a hang of "this". I mean ... I think I get it. Europe is blessed, Greta Thunberg has like a favor shield, Iran is staying strong, China is being China but cooler - so, things are going my way. After all. Not like ... I had a say in any of it; But I find my interests protected where they can be. I assume. So, as always ... "who knows?" ... invisible cubes and tigers ... but yea, I feel like I've Leveled up somehow. I'm Level 2 now, the Cap is 80, so ... I'm basically an expert at what I'm doing. "Trust me".


I mean - I assume the final piece of the Puzzle to the Seals/Keys was a matter of ... "Key IDs" ... which is ... an idea I initially abandoned because it seemed kind of pointless; But also, Seals don't seem to really work ... the way I initially thought either. Or I'm imagining things. ... Weird.

Anyway. I barely have the space to really dive into that right now.


So ... uhm ... yea. That.
... And ... I'm not feeling "the psychosis" anymore. Some weird feeling. So yea ... moving on ... I'm disappointed to see that "Disclosure Day" is going to be just some silly movie instead of a real thing. :/ ... [sigh].

Mockery I say!
...