stardate 2026-03.26

I've still not begun the work ... I was previously talking about. But also, I've been taking a bit of a break recently. I'm looking at my code right now, coming back from some type of holliday in Minecraft; And immediately, upon opening sublime, I'm confused by what I'm looking at. I don't know what it is. But ... it's not that bad. I know what I was going to do next and ... as soon as I remember that I also remember what I was actually working on and that then explains to me what I'm looking at.

From how things went, I should expect that it'll take me some time to just look at it - until I get ... "phased in" - and from how I feel, that's already 'work'. From basically just sitting here and thinking of these things ... I felt a dip in energy. So much so that I now feel like I can't go on.

Well, I had to eat something. My ... condition ... goes from feeling like my body is busy to feeling utterly depleted (growling stomach) in basically no time. Like ... something goes "snap" and I'm like ... "crawling towards a source of food". Like, literally, a slice of toast right now. Right now. Or crackers. Anything.

Something is off ... but where does it begin?


Concerning the weed ... well. I had that graceful idea to maybe slow it down a notch; But I also had the other graceful idea which is to crank it up a bit. As stated before ... uhm ...

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... where was I at? ... ah. So, I was starting to feel a little "psychotic" - which would be a great sign that I should slow things down. But I can't help but feel a little ... (or should it be "a liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle (/s)") ... gaslit by the whole situation. I mean, I can follow the rationale and the logic and end up convinced that my condition may be the result of me smoking weed. So, I'm told I should seek treatment for addiction - which is like, uhm ... how's that going to work out?

I mean, seeing someone try to convince me that I shouldn't be smoking weed ... I don't know.
I mean, nobody is doing that, or saying that. But it's ... what I'm confronted with as opposed to any kind of way forward on my other problems.

So - I kind of took the cranking things up a bit route. I checked my options and now have a different weed. And ... for myself ... I'm feeling better already. More relaxed. Less "psychotic". Not sure what that even is. An idea ... . And beyond that, I mean ... I'm all by myself - I have nobody and nothing to "stretch my time" with.

And so, as soon as I couldn't dump ALL my time into Minecraft anymore ... I didn't know what else to do. Went to sleep - and now I'm like ... well. From playing Minecraft I kind of sort of fell back into a regular day/night cycle. Maybe it's just by accident.


So, I'm not sure what I'll do now. I mean, I'm like done with Minecraft for now. Well, I was curious. Previously I was like ... thinking back to how much time I dumped into it; Feeling like I may have overdone it and maybe the joy is gone. But alas ... I came back to it. Which is ... a strange new experience.

I mean, usually I'd "lose" my old worlds or lose interest in them. And so there's this drive or mode in me where I'm like conditioned to see that ... what I have are like two or three month of work ... and everything beyond that is lost. Whatever I can do within that time is OK, whatever is beyond that ... it'll eventually get sucked into the void.

And here I am. Still trying to "figure the thing out" that would have stopped me from sharing the previous update. So - on that note I'm feeling OK about myself.

But yea. Finishing things.


All things aside, that's ... a problem I'm still carrying around with me. As based on the previous isse, you might see how ... my relationship with finality is weird. I mean, 'in game' I would look for it. Peace and Quiet. Something consistent. But so far ... well. I've finished my Enchanting Table and it fits in well, I've got myself a paper factory that uses bones collected from a mob-trap to boost its yield; Overall expanded the fortified network a little and ... theeen ... so, that's when we move into "this" timeframe ... I finally beat the game, got me an Elytra ... and I just so happened to have an enchanted book with mending on it laying around somewhere ... (from fishing) ... so, I'm slowly getting the hang of it. Initially I thought my base is like not really built for that, but slowly I'm finding all the spots and I'm kind of developing skill. But the experience gives the term 'faceplant' a whole new meaning.

I've improved the layout of my base, made it easier to move around - "Elevators" are a bit of a work in progress right now ... and I feel like I want a water-chute to just go up and then some slimeblock-piston thingy to launch the player off ... .
And ... oh ... I just ... OK.
And I'm working on some weird brewing contraption which is definitely ... not your typical brewing contraption and kind of underwhelming for what it's supposed to do. I mean, I've got my nether wart farm in the "cellar" - and I have my brewing stand "on top". And it's silly to go down, grab wart, carry it up ... although after one or two trips I'd have all the nether wart I'd ever need. But what if ... I drop my empty bottles on top ... they fall into the cellar, where ... well. I haven't figured that part out yet. Like, on what conditions to run the machine. But then the base potions can get cycled back up - and there all I need is to add whatever juices I want. ... :/ ... anyway. I didn't begin construction just yet. ... sortof

On that note ... I also have an outpost near one bastion, worked my way to another - which also has a Blaze Spawner, so ... "finally". Which reminds me: Part of what took me so long may ... I did not actually have enough ender pearls to make it to the end. I had to go out of my way to farm some.

Anyway. I also returned to my OG base ... and looking at it from above and round and about ... I felt like coming back to it. So, I started by building a sugar cane farm ... just so I had something piling up while I would build my super smelter. I'd need that to then convert all the stone I'd be digging out into useful stone ... and while doing so I want to remain flexible. Past experience has showed me what I would want ... so, I've made it so that I can switch between single and dual input ... like ... I can smelt different types of stone or just focus on one. Currently I'm sitting on two furnaces ... but the array is expandable.
Well, two on one side and two blast furnaces on the other. For that station I want three on each side. The lava buckets come from a fueling station and are sent back to it - items get sent down a pipe where I am yet to hook up item filters for stuff. I might want to have an automatic metal press that condenses copper and iron down into blocks when possible, but ... that'd probably take a lot of 'extra' - of those materials just for it to idle functionally - so, it's not a priority. But yea. I started it, linked the place up to my base, and ... it's come together quite nicely. I've even given the place a name now. Which ... reminds me ...


Maybe I do hear voices. It's ... maybe inner dialogue. Well, the struggle between me and myself is ... a thing. And there's more going on than I could write about, I guess. Right now the path seems to be to make peace with myself - but it's weird. As for things living rent free in my head ... my head is the issue ... .

And ... it's like ... the moment I'm here I treat Minecraft like it's bad and evil and I mustn't play it because it's a distraction that keeps me from doing what I want to do. And that also sometimes stops me from enjoying Minecraft. The previous days then I had to kind of beat myself to it. Not 'really' ... but I had to beat me towards accepting it. And the moment I felt like I was done ... I'm back here. Now writing this.

And so far I've come to the impression that I want to stick to it some more. Whatever. I also felt like posting an update on my situation. I'm currently looking at building some towers to then add a footprint to my base ... that's visible from outside. Oh, the name.
I mean, I have this inner dialogue which is like ... when playing with someone online, so, having someone in the ear that'll randomly comment on in-game stuff. So, I'm splitting diffs and what not. I don't know. It's annoying. Like ... . What then got me is that I named my base and all the time ... this inner dialogue would repeat it ... until eventually I looked at the sign and realized that it had after all gotten to me ... and I misremembered it.

I mean, that's the thing. "It" is the villain. The agent of the things living rent free in my head. I would try to eject it from my mind - but then felt like I was ejecting parts of me, like, along with it. I didn't know what to do. Accepting it ... like, as for what it is presented as ... would be impossible. Is impossible. So, it's a bit of a problem. But here and there ... shows start to crack. I think.

I mean - first of all, the voice isn't 'mine'. It's just ... pushing in someone. It's there. Making itself at home, being whatever. But it's also me, in a way. I mean, having multiple bases - or an expansive base/network as mine - one problem is that usually all the resources You want/need are elsewhere. So, Ender Chests and Shulker Boxes open up a whole new Level of organizing ... that I now see how once You got there, there isn't really a coming back.

But anyway. Without it ... there's little patches of resources here and there ... and it turns out to be just good to always keep something around. And so this "inner voice" acts ... in this instance ... like a mirror. Or parabolic mirror. It like takes how I act or mean to act or behave ... and mirrors it back at me - but somehow distorted. While I just go around trying to keep a balance, that voice is like "yay, I'm 'splitting the difference'" - and I'm by now so fucking annoyed always "hearing" it whenever I'm splitting up resources ... which also just so happened/happens to co-incide with a stage where I'm like thirsting for iron. Which is to say ... I myself am finding a position to oppose "the div-splitter", ... (and then I sit down to watch Blacklist and all of a sudden they start talking of splitting the difference also ("wraaaaargh")) ... but yea, because I - presumably - manage my stuff well I keep ending up with extra although I'm like "there's no more diffs to split".

Anyway. So, this "voice" then also kept mirroring back the name of my base to me. But wrong. And I'm like ... "Nraaaargh! It's Niryagazareth!" - and it's like "Niaragazareth" ... and I'm like "NIRYA" ... and ... and it's like "Niagara..." ... and ... eventually I was like "Niaragazareth" too. So, there's Niryagazareth North ... to say Niryagazareth proper would be the village/stronghold. Which I'm currently expanding around.

And yea. It seems to be the perfect ... farming spot. For ... fixing up my stuff. I mean, usually the problem with Mending seems to be that to mend a pickaxe you have to use it. And, I don't know what solutions there are for that - but the problem then also carries over to other tools. So, my solution, stand there and shoot skelettons. Like, in that snow biome - almost nothing else spawns. Occasionally there's a Zombie Horseman. But a Bow with Strength IV is like ... one Shot on most of them. With Flame ... it almost always is. And those things spawn constantly. I mean, I have a mountain in the back which seems to be like ... running on Peaceful mode somehow ... and a vast plane in front of me where skelettons will spawn into plain sight ... like, in patches - like, in the same spots. So, then the place is eventually littered with EXP orbs and then I just equip what needs to get mended and run around ... also like ... stocking up on arrows while doing so.

So - I took a flight south to see what's there and setup an exploratory outpost somewhere near a ... potential southward expansion - and that place is like ... Zombies and Creepers and Spiders and ... OK. When surrounded it's never fun, but the Skeletton archers at least keep their distance.


Sidenote: How to imagine what I'm working on (Crystals) - regarding the process and not the vision. I mean, I'm seeing it right now that ... this peace I was talking about ... what I did in consequence is now ... not a thing. It's a thing and functional, but ... it's weird and ... "not a thing". So, it's like a thing, but it's suspended in some kind of goo. Like ... honey. That goo is the substance of the code at large ... which is like ... contained in a shape but it's also flexible. That flexibility gives this goo its identity ... so, it's "my goo" versus that of someone else ... and once taken out of the goo it kind of disintegrates because it can only exist inside the goo. So, what I have to do is to give it a shape so it can be extracted from the goo. Right now the goo is sustaining it ... so, to share it - I'd have to share the whole container. And that's pointless because it doesn't do anything. It's by and large the same thing You'd have ... with just different stuff in it.

I woke up this morning with a little bit of that peace. It kind of ... ebbed out and then I started having nightmares again. Well, nightmares ... . It's super abstract ... weird ... and really just somehow uncomfortable. After playing some more Minecraft ... throughout ... the dreams became more about it ... . In there I felt like ... I was solving or doing something on or in my code, something that felt important ... . Something I then wake up with ... trying to work on it ... but it doesn't make any sense anymore. That feeling of importance and urgency, what sense there was attached to it seemed ... meaningless. And I get those dreams, ever so often. And they bring up this struggle: To game or not to game?

Is it a distraction?
So, I played Minecraft - today woke up with a hint of that peace - and this actually feels like ... work that satisfies the demand. It's not work in the sense ... of the matter. Like, I didn't code anything. But in as far as there's a mental component to it; and perhaps: especially since Psychedelics are involved; This seems to be an important ... detail. Hinge. Things hinge on this issue in some way. Some matters personal, others more "substantive" and yet others ... are just matters of fact and understanding that ... impose their own ways of giving and taking.


So ... I'm off to playing Minecraft. I'm yet to figure out where to put the Mob Trap ... though I maybe want to start with a Farm first. Like ... Niryagazareth needs an upgrade. I've already begun ... . And ... it's fun. I mean ... say about Minecraft - what it was and what it could be/have been - what You will, I'm enjoying myself. And ... I've seen some of the commentary; With some really wild ideas that make me thank God that the people behind the Game don't think in those ways. Like - a Linear progression system with Gatekeepers along the way? ... Why? It has an end ... and that's it. It's kind of genius. Anyway.
Villagers on the other hand are not ... and almost every Village I stumbled upon ... in my world ... has some kind of terrible mess going on. In Niryagazareth it's apparent that Villagers don't know how to deal with snow. Like, some just 'can't' go to work because of an inch of snow blocking them from leaving the house.

And ... it works with the theme. Like, there's this other place. In the end it kind of pales in comparison to what else I've spotted, but I spotted it, it had a name, it was a place and a thing - Shattrath - which has a broken portal next to it and an abandoned village. It's like ... a landmark that gives the place some sense of a story. As I'm sure is implicated within the Lore somehow. Which sometimes makes me wonder ... how much 'manual' crafting goes into the randomness that produces the maps. And the answer seems to be that there's just a variety of different Layers or systems that are bound to overlap in different ways - where the theming of those Layers creates the idea of an apocalypse as the existence of ancient ruins ... it kind of does that. The ruins we know from our world fell to the apocalypse of industrialization, we could say ... . We are Borg.


Or Villagers maybe. I mean, people are starting to talk ... and yea. I mean, looking at the warnings we were given, the opportunities we had, ... and everything ... it's baffling how we're where we are now. I mean ... as for being an 'intelligent species' ... we still kind of have to ... . Uhm ... . But ... if You're asking me ... I want no part in "this" ... life/world/whatever ... if it's going ... where ... You know. Sodom and Gomorrah. Fuck that. If You want to be the subject of the worried and sorrowful concerns of those who at the end of all things have the say to say which way things will go ... You are certainly free to do so. But know that if You can't be allowed to have Your freedom ... that's one possible way to view Your fate.

As they say ... Minecraft is a wonderful, peaceful game of innocence and creativity ... though innocence is a quality that is often overused and barely representative of what's truly going on.


Oh. So, how many open threads have I got now?
Yea ... that's ... the way it looks I'm transitioning into a state of being where I increasingly depend on others. I mean, that's ... how I feel. I suppose the weed is good ... if that can be allowed to unfold and become good. But if that cannot be, I suppose ... weed is bad and by all means a dangerous drug that distorts the mind into ... well, whatever. Also - the lack of a social environment makes things 'unnatural' ... so, there's a basic bias that has to be taken into account here; A.k.a.: Take it with a grain of salt.

And ... ugh, where? What? Ah ... OK. So, there's a variety of things I want to still do. And I suppose ... the further I go, the more that'll become. In Minecraft. Literally. Right now I've come back to my original base ... with a lot more resources and experience to do some of the things I wanted to do. On some end I don't know what I wanted - so, it is what it is and I can totally re-evaluate, but ... uhm. It's a big deal to me. Kind of.


And at long last. I feel like I'm on the verge of something akin to beating Minecraft. A personal ... moment ... beyond which ... things won't be the same anymore. And thinking of it ... yea. Even if there is good reason ... for things to then be the way they are ..., so, to not go back ... there is some value or quality to not be too quick about it.
Different, though better in all ways, is still different. And differences give and take ... what does and doesn't work. So, better ... isn't always best.
...

Uhm. So ... I'll trust that ... my God knows where to carry me. I have a hard time giving into the peace and quiet and freedom and quality and stuff ... of taking things easy. And in my defense we might say that the world is burning while also to some extent resting on my shoulders ... so, ... yea. But it's not like I can do anything.

Sidenote: While this world may seem real and the afterlife not ... the thing is that "if the afterlife exists" - it's based on the same principles that make this reality exist. Like, at the root of it all ... that's an inevitable conclusion. So, while our 'current' concept of heaven and hell is bathed in some kind of ethereal vibe ... like, rooted in imagination between 'flesh and spirit' ... Hell, if real, is possibly going to be just 'as' real ... as the realest thing You know.


Anyway ... I ... understand that some of the stresses I endure (and reacted to) are the consequence of 'attacks' on me and my well-being ... and even if they are more like environmental hazards than hostile mobs ... I have to ... defend. And so, for science ... but more so, to follow my hunches ... I'll have to properly rest up before I can go on ... where my worries are twofold: Maybe my time is limited ... and maybe rest is the opposite of what I need. The latter is reasonable - and possibly true - given that I now understand that there's a cost to just re-immersing myself. And there's no point in doing that work, if I can't maintain it. So ... it's also true that I'm on a clock then. Because ... right now ... weed isn't like an optional thing, I basically run on it. So, it depletes as a function over time too.
Maybe that's bad. But right now ... it's what I got. The question is: Do I need to focus on the code ... to regain the peace or do I need to wait? The answer seems to be the latter.

Is it important to be sober?
Well ... ask me that another time ... . Let's hope that the answer is no!