~ Identity Crisis ~

Hmm ... there's that phenomenon I've heard about, something about wildfires and embers beneath the surface.
So, somehow I've stumbled into a bit of an identity Crisis, plus a Crisis of Faith or Sanity ... and I'm not really sure ... about anything. It's like my whole reality has collapsed into a small bubble in which I now exist on borrowed time. I mean, my vocational training isn't going anywhere ... . I don't see how I would or should recover to a point where it would make any sense to continue, but I suppose it wasn't really there to begin with. But ... outside of that I'm not getting much done either. It's crazy ... but ... it's like everything ... like prior to "the Event" ... never happened. It's ... weird. Sure, drugs may add a certain ... twist to that. Which isn't much of a mystery however.

Whether it is good or bad ... ultimately depends. I'm not saying that I have the capacity or discipline to maintain a good balance; But ... uhm ... in as far as the problems emerge from "the world", I feel like I have license to overstep. Sure, things are about to crumble and God is like ... locking me in place it would seem. So, this is my leap of faith. Which is to watch it all come down, sotospeak; And rely on God to somehow make it right.

Because ... in a lot of ways I ... well. I should self-diagnose and act based upon it. Nobody seems to feel responsible, like, nobody knows how to help me ... having me in a situation where it couldn't be more evident that I'm practically on my own.


And that's the ... real problem. Isn't it? I mean - I understand the situation, I understand what's wrong - I get what's missing - and yet, somewhere within it ... well. There's a contradiction. Something that feels like a trick question ... but uhm ... . Let's not get ahead of myself.

The One Thing

If there's a 'problem' that I had on my plate to solve and couldn't solve so far ... it's this. I'm alone. And ... You have to understand what I mean by that; Such that I'm not misunderstood there. It all comes down to this: "Where two or more are assembled in my name, I will be among them". And sure, you may have a variety of ways to spin it - like I have had years to spin it ... but, it is kind of pointless to try. I mean, so ... like, how does "preaching the Gospel" ... like ... successfully ... at any point require this ... "being alone" part?

It makes no sense. I also understand that identity, to some extent, is a social construct as who You are to others is as much a part of You as ... uh ... Your mirror image. And I don't know why I feel like there's an argument here. Like ... as if what I'm getting at is somehow controversial. See, it is only the most logical step for me to find ... at least ONE person ... to share this journey with; And I have tried ... and apparently I failed. I come to see it as ... well, there is a range of things that God couldn't ask of me because I suck at it. Which is why Moses for instance had Aaron. And ... now I'm telling You this and rather than seeing the problem for what it is; It would seem like an oversight. Yes, where is my Aaron? No Aaron no ... story. And yea, apparently the story seems to have evolved to this point ... where ... it couldn't be just anyone. But so it isn't me who's like ... putting up the stakes. I mean, I'm unpartial here. Whoever ... is there is there. Why would I ... be want to make a big fuzz out of it? Well ... I for myself don't have much of a choice because ... You kind of bake Your own reality here because ... what am I going to do about it?

Anyway. And what do I identify as? A Godservant. Or THE Godservant? Well ... let's stick with 'a'. To be free of anything I cannot certify - I'm ... just someone. And socially ... yea, that's the thing ... I'm evolving or have evolved to the point where I don't know about this whole Gospel thing anymore because I feel like I'm in a League of my own and ... I don't know how to define matters such as Goodness or Righteousness or such anymore ... because I'm in no environment where such concepts have any meaning. There is no society. I'm trying to preach the Gospel but it's like ... well. Surely I must be doing something wrong and ... in as far as I don't know what I'm doing ... I'm not sure what to expect.

So, more and more ... Humanity is this "other thing" ... whether You want to call it a Liberal or a Conservative horror show is neither here nor there ... but it just is. With or without a religious hat ... it's like ... clearly You want to define Yourself in this weird way that ... I can't square up with ... and more and more ... I'm looking at Humanity like it's this lab experiment in some petri dish that's like ... His pet project that I'm somehow involved in but I don't have the faintest idea of what He's trying to accomplish anymore. And more and more I ... feel like insulted by being a part of it. I mean, the way things rub off on me ... it's like ... only existing in this world is like ... filthy. Whatever "good life" the "old tales" speak of ... I don't know ... has anyone seen it, like ... in for real?
Glimpses of it?

Sure. But ... how can I keep telling myself: "it ain't all that bad!"? I mean, how is ... there anything remotely good about "it"?


OK, I mean ... . It could be worse?
Hoho ... yea. And once a star has collapsed into a black hole ... it can still grow. Though the collapse is pretty much "Game Over" in that sense ... sure ... it can still get worse.

So, what have I learned? Well, humans are like ... at least subconsciously inherently transactional. I mean, the first obstacle to what I have to tell is ... how to spin it? I mean, I'm not the desciple of some Guru in some ... God knows how they come into being ... established society that's "ready to Go". So, I don't have a 'thing' to offer. And it's almost weird in that way ... where ... if I asked for money I'd probably be more successful. Because it's not like I'd have a 'thing' to offer but a way for You to give me money in order to give You the illusion of some ... type of exalted lifestyle or whatever.

So, the question is: How can I "sell" the thing? Like, if there's nothing for sale? And then come the issues of dedication and worthiness ... so, it would make sense to look for those kinds of people in ... religious places. And maybe I haven't tried hard enough just yet; But also ... the thing is; All the determination in the universe won't change me for who I am. And I ... I'm not "that type of person" I'm afraid. But so, what am I?

Sure thing. What am I to You?

I had a bit of a theatre going on yesterday. And the central question I might have to impose upon You is: How do I make sense in Your worldview? How do You ... square me away ... at the end of the day?

It seems like ... I'm simply at the epicenter of a divine system shock ... something that's linked to me - intrinsically - not by some rule or logic, but merely by God's choice, by His ... very real and very existing presence.

So, yea. There is friendship I suppose. We seem to go way back. I mean, I may not have reliable insight into my past existences - but ... God never gave me the feeling like He yet had to introduce Himself. And I never had the feeling like ... I yet had to come to know Him. And in as far as God cares to connect with You; I'm ... a part of it as from His side.
Like - we could create some way to measure up ... where I feel like I always have some kind of unfair advantage unless You stack things specifically so that I'm at a disadvantage. It's like asking God to do the impossible ... it's ... an Oxymoron where we can go like "Omnipotent am I right herpderp" ... not realizing how You're the moron in the situation.

Like - if all I were, were like up for grabs based on some system of rules ... the question would be: Why? Why come up with it and why enforce it? If being in or out of God's favors weren't enough - or the thing that matters - why ... care about anything at all? I don't mean this as a theistic problem or a way to throw shade at atheists; But ... well, what I'm talking about ... think of it as a crown. And think of it in the context of the Bible perhaps, where the matter of the Crown is that God doesn't like it. While there may very well be human beings that HE deems worth of the crown ... the most central Character highlighted in this context leaves us with a very clear morale to the story.

But as people would not leave it rest, the fact of the matter eventually gets to be this: I am one of those deemed worthy of the Crown. And my reality outscales Yours - I would think, so ... if that's the way You want it ... I would wonder ... what the goal is. Or ... I mean, I'm a bit puzzled over a few things ... this is a little bit of that.

So yea. We could make it a crown to then say: Who's worthy of it - to then make it a game of making me become unworthy ... uhm. I mean ... somehow there's a story like that playing in my mind and I can't tell whether it's a thing or not.
But uhm, yea - whatever. Then what? Like ... doing so would be like ... maybe possible but in terms of You becoming worthy of it ... that ain't it!

And that's really it. You'd have be worthier than I - which means that You can try to be an obstacle ... but the challenges I face should actually be counted in my favor. So, You have to outscale my growth ... and picking fights with me isn't going to get You there.


That said ... I'm not "the master of all trades". That would be the Man Himself. And before You feel provoked into measuring up against me ... let me tell You that there are a lot of ways in which any one person or group or empire might come out on top of me. The question were: What would You do with that victory. I mean ... I'm giving it to You ... but if You need to feel like You've earned it then ... uhm ... am I supposed to see You as my enemy? It's all pointless ... because before God ... I am who I am and what You do ... is Yours.

"Meanwhile, at the very Edge of the World, the [Mecrulians?] have still not given up on their quest to determine the Sex of the Turtle". I don't know. I somehow love that sentence. I had to rewatch it and memorize it.


I get reminded of it because at some point I can't help but feel like ... Your big sister after all. Big in a way ... like the Turtle in Discworld. I'm human ... like You ... that's how the story goes ... but I'm ... older? And so, the way that I fit into the story is that I don't really fit into it at all. The story that is between God and You ... or so: God and Mankind ... there I'm one of You. No doubt. But in as far as the story is presented with a beginning and an end ... and the end is presented as a final judgment, a scoreboard perhaps, as in "a Revelation" - where all is made transparent ... I'm separated from You. I mean ... I'm always given that feeling ... . The one thing that's missing is for it to be like ... a thing. I mean ... what I believe ... would ordinarily be just my own thing. And ... at that point ... like, yea - where should I begin?

The beginning takes me to the end which takes me to the beginning - and it's always going to be that way; As the matters of fact that present themselves aren't really changing all that much. So, I'm like ... in an equilibrium of sorts, which ... mind You ... I've been in for Years now. It wasn't particularly difficult to get there; Nor was it difficult to maintain it. But it is difficult to stretch beyond it.

The rest is time. And yea ... this is to say that You're not supposed to expect anything to change ... like, here on my end ... unless somehow the basic conditions of that eqilibrium are changed. What else would "I do"? How else could this work?


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