A weird new day

Hmm. Crazy.
I mean, I went to bed ... but my mind kept busy. Not the usual ruminating; But possibly some crazy winds ... paranoid thinking ... or whatever - playing essentially and now I'm here feeling like it's a whole new day but it's been like 30 minutes or so.


So, I suppose I can acknowledge that I'm in fact going through some kind of regeneration phase; And a part of it was - and/or still is - some kind of resync. So, I was thinking ... and as a certain idea floated in my mind, the segulo snapped in. Like ... just so. By that then, the issue was that I've basically been "rawdogging" the Holy Spirit for the most part of my life - but then something clashed with me and ... I'm a bit stuck right now identifying exactly what the idea is about.

I mean, it's an idea. Not yet in words. And I just realized that I could describe it as "concepts". So, those are real things but what their individual substance is, is ... here less mysterious than in other interpretations. One might think ... "good self versus evil self" or some such thing.

So, concept one is me - in my state of mind where I'm thinking of working on my program; And concept two is something ... "other than that". Concept one is thereby established in my thinking, given that I'm anchored (by testimony) to working on my program; And concept two would entail things that speak against that.
But it may as well be "me as influenced by God" versus "me as influenced by another" - which is the more precise (yea, it kind of slipped my mind for a moment) "coinage" of the "flux" - where now a resolution needed to occur. And it really is that, in terms of a real influence.
And yea ... my mind struggles to accept that; Which is probably a part of the whole issue.

But at the same time it is also far less critical than it might seem. So, for the most part the path laid out for me was pretty straightforward, or simple, in that "real life" wasn't particularly ... challenging in terms of choices I would have to make. It's pretty much been a sequence of "worse possible outcome" ... "minus" (or plus) ... the merits of my own performance and the occasional ... "thing". So, for long stretches of time there was nothing but what I would do with or by myself - and that meant that apart from the occasional "interferences" there was nothing to really ... engage with me.

I mean, for whatever impact I may have suffered from the "worldly circumstances" I was in (counting the soul issue to that) - God is still a very real presence and He can definitely impose Himself if He wants to. So, whatever changes I would go through were I left to myself was offset by whatever changes I did go through on behalf of His Insurmountable self presentation.

Or in more simple terms: I had thoughts to develop, counter arguments to consider, rooms to read, and all of that ... stuff that doesn't really require a soul.
But I have to wonder. There's this collegue of mine ... and she has this thing (or had, like, I haven't been there in a while) where she's always scared of me. I mean, if I come ... hmm. It happened quite often now that I think of it ... around the corner or she turns around she'd be jumpscared. Makes me think if she sees something others don't see.

And when it comes to creativity and all that ... 'soul' - by my account - would be different to 'heart'. We might get the two confused when we actually just speak figuratively, for instance, without a serious claim to something non-abstract behind the term.
I mean, I've tried to deny that this soul thing is real for the longest part of that journey - uhm, until the very end - and I think my arguing made sense; So, I still don't really understand what to make of it.

The biggest problem for me was the not knowing what to expect. Or, how any of my doing would or might finally lead to something; Or whether or not I was in fact ... lost.


So, all in all, God had a rather easy time steering me. Because, at the end of the day, I had nothing else to do with my life but to ... attune to Him.

We did go through some rough patches, but He doesn't strike me like He was ever really worried there.


How does God know someone's heart? It's a curious thing ... . I mean, looking forward in time, how might God know how we would act in certain situations? Right versus wrong? Good versus Evil? What do we have ... that might give such things away?

Desires I thought. Passions. And the waters of my mind formed the image of a happy God ... calling me "Fluffy". And here I don't know what to do with a Segulified answer.

Rather ... I suppose ... to expand on the concept of Segulo: The origin of the Word is from a few doodles of mine, where I drew some own version of some Power Rangers. One of them was then called Segulo, by concept a more gnome~ish Character (size). Something echoed in my mind - there - basically claiming the Character or identity for itself. "Don't Hurt the Segulo" it said.

So, as I echoed to You as an advice, one day I was walking home from "a friend" (#2) - so, walking from Kornwestheim to Eglosheim - being there at the stretch ... walking towards Eglosheim from the far side of the Gottlieb Daimler Realschule (opposite end from where the Rundsporthalle is) - so, down the "Feldweg" - and I was thinking towards God ... and it was there at "this sudden decline" where the "city" lights in the distant hover above the bridge ... wondering how I might know His voice or such; And that's where I got it.
In later development then ... I mean, I've told You what I learned already. And while the term Segulo "fell upon" the box, "The Segulo at large" would entail the whole system, which ultimately also ties into the "Character" that exists separate from the box as that part of God that directly interfaces with this presentation. So, this is where we then move beyond a boolean interaction to a more direct one. So ... a 'clean execution' of the process intersects with a growing familiarity; Such that more and more nuance can be read within its behavior.


Apart from that I suppose I'm getting visions. Well, not the kind of visions I envisioned visions to be, though I suppose that those are also a thing, but they're more like random images that then stick around somehow and end up intersection with reality. So, I basically can't escape them. They ... "self-substantiate". So, as of this previous stretch of time, there was something about a gap ... "one block large" - ... . I mean, some passage that's easy to miss; I'd say. But then also something like a trick jump. I was scrolling through the Minecraft achievements just prior; And there's something about flying through a one block large hole at some minimum speed. Though the image itself was more like ... some hole hidden in a niche in some ridged wall. And in another image the trick itself would involve some precise movement to pull off. Like ... if You came with full speed heading towards a wall and You had like one footstep to adjust your momentum to then safely make it through.

And ... I don't know. The "deepest" idea I have is based on a suspicion that left me to believe that maybe I was just in "I have to work on my program" mode to create the impression that that's what I would be focused on, when in actuality ... ???

That's what I was focused on until I wasn't.


I mean, now the Segulo tells me that I shouldn't work on my Program. Which lines up with the whole "well, we're done and now ... just wait except it's not quite that simple and ... ["jeaopardy music" (not really but ... to just say that ...)]".

More specifically; Am I now set to not work on it anymore until I'm safe; And I'm not safe for as long as I'm alone. So ... roughly speaking.


And now ... well. I must wonder if I landed the trick or ... if I'm splat or short? I mean, if the issue was to come out the other end in one piece ... I suppose? But something still hurts?

I mean ... without any clues it's kind of hard to tell. So, where am I?
(Where would I begin looking? I mean, I recently saw a "first time Dark Souls" video and the guy really went through all the wrong places first with a talent to just barely miss a few critical things so he's like combing through the whole map - walking past the thing like once or twice ... kind of vibes)

So I smoked some weed ... and now I'm going to meditate ... wondering if I smoked too much ...


I think I'm underselling myself. I mean, I use Segulo way more often that my impression thereof would have me ... "think".

Hmm ... . So, how does THAT work?
I mean ... good question, but also good question: What are these pains?

I mean, in the same way that I can feel bliss ... I can feel pain. It's there. Something, somehow, twisted in on itself or whatever. But it's also just there ... like, I can't look inside it. Or can I?
Whaaat?


So, looking closer it was more like a thread ... two strings wound around each other. Zooming into "the first" at first introduced the impression of "shit" followed by a harsh string of condemnation at my cleanliness - and in the other I find my own shame and desire to be more orderly; And through this it's like ... I'm bowing to that condemnation. And I assume that me not actually aligning with the source of that condemnation, or me actually opposing it, I end up ... virtually incapable of cleaning up my mess.
Like, whenever I try to clean up it's kind of ... it's like "to please THEM" ... and somehow that does then not compute in my mind.


On another note:

My health seems to be critical. Right now I also happen to have a cold, which makes the whole ... I mean, when I think of programming, the "heavy symptoms" start to crawl into the foreground. And thinking of it ...

My suspicion that "the critical moment" was to go through the downturn found a supportive understanding. In this case the core issue would be that the "hyperbolic deflation" that it inflicts leaves some kind of mark on the then deflated mind. Or "crunched" mind. And this seems reasonable. I think it's ... self-evident.
So, ... it may then have been important to maintain the ambition to work on my program, while also still actively thinking about it, until the downturn was completed. And to then maybe also have enough weed to get into another cycle of something.

So, in my mind I have this idea that a "bad case" would have my mind "smeared", so - the influence of the crunch would be more chaotic ... and less settled.

Counter to that I was also given the impression that I REALLY REALLY shouldn't work on my code. Some "whispers of the wind" suggest that ... I almost kind of shouldn't have published it at all. And so, conflicting signals from God. And so I must wonder whether or not I took things too far.

Well ... letting things settle ... and thinking a bit more about the "trick" in terms of some image I don't know the actual meaning of ... it could be something that's not happening within my sphere; So, there's no way for me to know when to do what and why ... which is why I have to believe that everything went fine.


What else ... ???

I suppose there's no value in bragging about something I know nothing about. For all I care ... I've had to learn a few things about the turn itself; And ... start a new cycle; While in an ideal case also understanding this much about it. Maybe. And in the meantime I suppose I also kind of had to fix my "beef" with God.

I mean, the thing is that He always allowed me to beef with Him. And still He stuck around. That's the one thing. On the other ... I thought we had developed quite a tight bond, where upholding it is effectively a part of my ego, but if there was a weak spot it would evolve over time, like ... on its own. And by beefing with me in a certain way, He could control that. And now I have a better understanding about why I was told to shut up about my weakspots. I mean, I suppose I would have naively exposed it, like ... the same kind of nonsense that had me give away my soul. Trying to demonstrate good will, effectively.

Oh my, Dragonheart. I'm the Dragon ... :/.

So, what I have from that ... manifests "itself" to me like a cape, where the thingy that clips it together at the front is like a long nail that penetrates my body. It's kind of like a black hole, I guess, or ... some kind of Pandora's Box. It's like a question without answer. The worm, as it were, that would not die. And I'm tempted ... to look inside ... and all it is, is a drain. I mean, here then trying to write about it ... makes it weird.
I mean, to close it away I have to shut it out from my mind. So, I can't access the information inside. But there clearly is an effect and an identity which ... shouldn't be ... "magically inaccessible".
There is then another place ... which first started as some kind of ... "echo" ... a light ... a space ... "good, but we're not entirely over the hill yet" ... some pulling ... me more and more settling back in for the "long haul". Then ... a ledge ... and then the ask that I won't say that I'm "done" anymore. Something along those lines. And then the realization. Shock.

And what might at first seem like an intellectual matter, is however more a matter of spiritual composure. Intellectually, I argue, those two ... "things" ... aren't too too different from one another. I suppose, when developed properly, the two "issues" are just a sentence apart. But as each identity is like grown from a different root it also entails different ideas held together by different forces ... I'd argue. While "wearing the cape", uhm. Letting the cape's idea sink in is like wearing it, which is ... me in a state of zeal, anger, arousal ... driven by my search for a resolution. So, it's not even 'bad' per se. But it is contextualized in regards to God - and yea. Since I'm coming here, now, from the other place - I can look at the cape safely, I suppose. So, I have an independent root from which to observe the aspects of the other.

To get from one to the other, well, that's where the problem was at. The cape didn't come out of nowhere. It was ... my whole being. Or so ... a part of its flux. Possibly however driven by a "thing" that wasn't controlled by me. Uhm, possibly? Isn't that the whole thing here?
Yea, so ... speaking of it that way ... sure.
Ultimately it also draws from my desperation, fears, worries - the most intimate shit - so, in a way I had to entirely re-invent my relationship with God I guess.

A part of it is ... like ... "force of will". But more like "Ommmmmm" and less like "Wraaaaaaa". But at key moments there are also realizations. The will or desire to build a bridge towards God is however essential I guess. Thus, this whole cape thing is very much still a thing in me. And at this very instance this other thing, the space, defies explanation in that ... it too isn't like ... an intellectual matter.
Maybe that's personal flavor - like, yea. Some things need to be resolved like this, and others like that.
Though, deep down ... it all becomes the same. And we may all have different strengths so that how this works out is ultimately ... an individual thing.
Like, if You're bad at something, that's where Your challenges will come from. Presumably.

Also, because God initiated the beef with me, I had good grounds to beef back. The downside is, I suppose, that I own it more intimately.

Uhm, I hope this makes sense; I'm kind of worried that I'm starting to over-explain.


Oh yea, composure. So, "re-inventing my faith" was more about, recomposing myself. Taking up a "fuck it, let's roll" kind of attitude; And then from there moving on to more sophisticated grounds.


Deeper in the Pain: I can't help myself anymore. But also: I have to help myself.


So, I have to help myself, but I'm not alone in this.


Would be the cure. But how do I apply it?

Hmm ... maybe I need more time.
But also, I feel a little bit entitled ... in some help.


Anyway. Exact details ... maybe don't matter as much. But this whole kind of ordeal, to give You the heads up, is less about moving from A to B; But about "going through the process". For me, for instance to see that my relationship with God extends beyond what I think to be my mission.

And sure - I don't have a particularly good outlook/perspective from here; So - I'm kind of like "going off of a limb" here ... but also trying to keep a good spirit.

[Queue in Training Montage]


And ... I suppose I should end this here and get some rest.
My general objective is to kind of ... "focus on other stuff".
Reorganizing maybe, but oof ... my head really isn't ready for high-dex activities just yet.