Lock On

ouch ... |changed the headline. Omens exist. My finger hurt' from typing. I stopped and watched some YouTube. Now I have a more important thing to write about|.



So ... I've been watching this video. And then it came to a certain point and I started to have this thing. Somewhere from within my mind this "Thing" emerged, requiring me to reject an idea.
For context: He's an expert (?) on the Epstein Files (he sounds legit. I mean, his telling of how he came to be that sounds in about right) and is then asked, if he could sort the Epstein Case pyramidically, what would he put on top? So then, we're 13 minutes in and the Interviewee claims that Epstein's primary motive was the Zionistic agenda.
Now, I myself am in a state of acceptance. I'm experiencing some kind of culture shock - and the juggling with matters like violence and use of force ... well, this "thing" there is like a demon. So I'm tossed into some mental hijinx where I'm rejecting the Zionistic Agenda ... it's a whole thing ... and then I look at the video and it's like ... wait, what was he just saying? Like, I've blacked out. So, I skipped back to hear it one more time; And then ... the same thing happened again. And I'm like ... huh, that's weird! Then I skipped back again, to hear it one more time ... and I kid You not, I was barely able to hear the words that he was saying.

And ... it's kind of like ... that thing I was writing about. Where I fight something in my mind but somehow I end up feeling like I'm fighting against myself.

So, I rejected the Zionistic Agenda ... so, I did well. Right? Well ... I'm not so sure. I mean, in the context it might work ... like, narratively. In a way, I think I could get away with it. I might even be sure of it. I mean, speaking of ... . Anyhow ... I mean, I did 'well', I passed the test, the angel has done its thing. We could think of it like that.

But the missing part just so happens to be the part where the guy details what Israel does. And it's weird that once I skipped back to hear what he had to say ... the same happened again. And this is ... I mean, as it stands: Such things happen - and however You might want to dress it, ... I find it concerning. If not troubling.


It's an instance where my mind venturing off into some mindscape ... almost ... or maybe at all, as by magic. And I stopped writing this thinking: I don't know where to take this. Went back to watching the video and ... again ... . It's almost as if ... something is spawning all these counter arguments on every instance and then our minds just somehow venture off into the "farlands".
Like ... a little later he talks about how the story unfolded; So, as to back up the claim of Epstein being an Information Broker. And yea, very few people might actually know what truly happens; And so I'm like ... there ... thinking: "Why am I listening to this guy? It's all just hearsay!". Well, not literally, but the motions of my mind are doing that.

"The Depth of Your Foolishness!"

So - I was there trying to defeat Radahn the other day ... that was after putting Minecraft aside ... I kind of had an idea for a build and had a really good first try so that I from there on started to hone it a little more. Slowly I'm coming to terms with his second phase also.
But so I was there puzzling over my build and I thought like ... OK, take 5 from Dex and put them into Faith ... and I can use that protection spell. And it makes sense. I convinced myself that it would be a good investment, headed to Rennala ... and hesitated for a bit. I mean, I don't care if You respec. I've done it a few times. But a part of me is also like ... there is no Reset in real life. It's ... a little bit like a sacred thing. And so I felt bad afterwards. And ... trying to come to terms with the emotions I looked for little adventures I might embark on to get enough levels such as to get the stats that I changed back to where they would be.
Not explicitly so at first, but then it seemed like actually doable - so, I did a few things and got really close. Just 2 levels were missing ... and so my focus fell onto that dark spot on my map.

And at this point, well, the topic of me being mentally ill somehow is creeping up to the forefront of my mind ever so often. Like - I'm certainly under the weather in a lot of ways. Definitely not in good shape. Luckily that Cold/Flu is gone. And in a lot of ways I am. I can't tell whether I'm being Truman Showed or not ... in my head every Secret Service might be listening in and so I'm ... constantly drifting between talking to myself and ... "whoever is out there". Might be.
And ... I don't know. I don't know why I need to find a Lore reason or whatever - for myself - to not go "down there" and beat Midra. I can tell me that I want to stay Low Leveled. I can tell me that it's dangerous ... because ... I don't know. Reasons. There's just something ominous about that place that scares me like ... as if the in game stories could be real. And so I'm telling myself: OK, but I did the thing ... I have the flame already and I cured it ... so, I'm immune. Which is like ... cheating. I mean, rather than facing the terror - I can say, well ... "I'm better than that". But anyway. So, I went through the dungeon ... entered the Abyssal Woods ... and had to wonder: Why did the Devs feel like putting that message there? Is this some messed up shit on some ... weird meta-plane? Well ... "I'm immune" I thought ... and started to venture forward.

Then there's this dude ... walking back and forth ... who drops the "Madding Hand" (a weapon) ... and I read the description and ... thought: Yea, I know the feeling. I mean, I'm glad I know it a lot less than ... THAT ... but, so, it ... made me go "hmmm...".

I mean ... the whole ... Elden Ring Saga is weird. I don't know if it's like a hidden Gnostic Love Letter or open Mockery - but I would assume that Miyazaki and Martin took a whole lot of Drugs together to ... "do Art" ... and ... what's left is like an attempt to ... figure out what's wrong with the world. "Reading the Astair" or whatever. And ... yea, the Abyssal Woods, that's like ... the Epstein part of the world. Those scary dudes that need to be parried before You can kill them ... they're like ... the soul catchers. You don't want them to take interest in You or You might get Reddingtoned. And so I'm there like "aha" ... "Head Theatre Set" ... but wait. Not quite. I mean ... sure, for once, but then I'm also like ... second guessing all the thinking that's going on in my head as I approach that place at the far end where the Map is at. And ... some odd feeling starts to become noticable on my hand. I'm partway through to convincing myself to just play the game ... but now this. So ... I'm scared, return to the last bonfire, not picking up the map ... and hop to another Character in order to do some progress I meant to do at some point.

So, I got to a point ... where I then felt like ... returning to the Abyssal Woods again. So, going by my inner voice and listening to the strange ... feelings I was getting, I took a certain path (northern edge) ... and tried to avoid fighting everything. So, leaving the rats in peace ... and ... yea. Good call, I suppose. I almost got caught once. But I made it to the Scadutree Fragment ... only killing the Priests there before they could get off any spells ("phew") ... and then some sense of relief came over me. However ... I made my way forward, making it to the bonfire ... without dieing - and ... yea, nice!

Anyway - I also make it to the Mansion, eventually; But now I have to ask myself: Can I do this first try? I ... didn't think I could ... but rather than thinking that I had to, I moved on ... and then got had by the second tough guy. It was a misunderstanding! Anyway. Making my way through the mansion I came to reflect some more on the Lore ... and ... how this whole scene kind of reminds me ... of My self.

And by my narrative it would make sense; That ... this whole soul-switcharoo would make me take the Astairian L for whatever they were doing - and so - the picture there is me; But ... the Character isn't meant to be me. But so, as I'm moving towards the Boss ... well, I more and more adapt that idea. I see myself in Midra ... and eventually started to own the idea - while at the same time, struggling more and more to actually beat him.

And then he's starting to mock me. I was there thinking I'd make this quick, but now I was making more and more silly mistakes ... and the signs looming on the horizon would suggest that any day now I would loose all my Runes to Midra. First phase. I'm already part of that, I assume, very small club of people who died to it.
And so, it was predictable. Eventually I'd get tired of it ... and ... walk away defeated.
390k ... . I'm in NG+ and currently Level 208 or so ... which means, 390k isn't enough for a Level.
But ... I made peace with it.

SYKE!
The fact that God wanted to teach me something, and ... the usual ... "who knows, but ..." stuff ... kicked in. I mean, we were working towards something for once. Like, in some way I have an issue where I want to get rid of "malfunct muscle memory", basically. Where, I feel like I'm cursed in that I seem to ever only learn the wrong lessons from these encounters.
How often I have the impulse and awareness in me that an attack is coming, but I'm just there not dodging it ... . I mean, it makes me feel like I could have ... but, at some point I ought to be able to actually dodge them ... for it to actually mean anything.

So, at that point of defeat I'm also really struggling to understand ... what it is. I mean, there's nothing to practice because I haven't gotten much of a clue just yet; Nothing but ... hints at something. Traces of ... "ultimate skill" ... which yea, may be a form of cheating so ... I suppose the lesson there was: "However, ... sadly, at this point in time ... this is not the way!" and ... cool. So, I'm back to square one.
Or am I? I mean ... it's one thing to have it be that way, sure ... but surely ... does it have to be then so, that I otherwise suck? And I don't know ... from the depth of myself I somehow ... found the whole of my resistence to the defeat I was experiencing, like ... I came in here with the goal to not take mental damage, so, for fucks sake ... I'm not gonna! And ... that's then where the awareness came back in.
I mean ... after so and so many attempts it's like I'm dragged into autopilot. I suffer my own defeat - and it becomes like a cycle that perpetuates the frustration. My belief in victory fades ... and my negative anticipation takes over to the point where I'm taking a hit that I'm actually seeing coming.
And then, sure. Midra is kind of easy ... like ... playing Demon's Souls ... . I mean, I found it to be easy, but ... that's the thing. They kept refining their craft of messing with the player - so, I felt like someone from the future that's like ... I mean, I kind of am, in that sense. But I still enjoyed it. I mean, the bosses are easy. The rest is ... same-ish.
But then ... Midra ... I had to learn to ... well. I would translate it into terms that work in game. Watch the space, anticipating moves, being prepared to respond. But ... that didn't come out of nowhere. I had that knowledge; But my mind was good at ignoring it.

And it all followed a simple question ... after some ... motion from God. Am I to own the idea of Midra, or Fight it? And the latter was the case ... so, I snapped out of it; Did what I could to hold on to that part of me that Got Gud, and ... I think it came to a picture book finish. Like ... swoosh, decapitated.


And so, to be fair. I don't know. I don't know what all this is, but I'm glad I have a friend to help me through.


My build?





For the most part I tried to get used to the Light Greatsword ... trying to avoid the Giant Greatswords because I just had a playthrough using it; But now ... after a prolonged break ... I got back around to it. I basically discarded Greatswords entirely, until I tried to incorporate a shield back into my build. And that's what You see there. I kind of wasted a lot of my Dragon Smithing stones ..., so, the Zweihander is going to be the next to get upped. What I'm trying to say is that Vacuum Cut is a good option it seems ... where Frost Fog (???) is just better against tough enemies. IMO.
Anyway.
The idea is to basically Sekiro the enemy, but, it really doesn't come into play a lot. It's basically just normal play, for me anyway, with the option to cut the occasional boss-combo short. I don't count, so I usually have to guess whether a hit might stagger, but ... like so the boss shenanigans can be cut even shorter.

I totally slept on that thing my last playthrough through the DLC.