But what am I doing?

So ... "once the lamb opens the seventh Seal" ... it is said, there will be silence in heaven. In "prophetic time", (one day equals one year, one prophetic year so being 365 years) that one hour would last ... around two weeks.
So, if I'm the lamb and the seals correspond to realizations ... well, I've counted to seven before already. So, I lost count? Or I have no clue about 'what' to count?

And I'm kind of not buying it. I see that the wall I'm about to hit isn't so scary at all. It could be. Who knows?

What I know is that ... I'm really just depressed. In a way I can't talk about.
All my wisdom seems to fail ... and looking back I started to note, that ever since I found 'clarity' ... my life sucked.
I mean ... maybe that's just nostalgia or melancholy ... for, pretty much, back then my life sucked already. But I suppose it was fine, from my perspective at least ... fine enough, in a way.


At least I could be ignorant about my 'self' in it. I suppose. I mean ... one thing I have to come to terms with is just how much ... additional problems I had to face. Like, yea, right now "You" are probably still there waiting for me to say that I was wrong. ... [sigh]

And trying to explain my stance on this, it feels like ... trying to explain math to a stone.
It's the same ol same ol.


But I'll say this: Something came off. Like ... the one moment I was filled with this certainty ... how to explain this one thing ... how important it is and ... the next day it was just gone. There was nothing to explain. I don't get it myself. Rape.
Well, maybe I've evolved far enough into 'that' mindset to not get it. I mean ... actually I've just given up. Rape is whatever You say it is, I have nothing to do with it - leave me alone - I don't want it, I don't need it ... I know not what You talk about anyway - the end.


So, really ... I'm just hanging around these days ... waiting for ... I don't know. I mean, I'm at my own witts ends ... so, surely ...

I think I get it. I mean, if You read my book and circle all the "important" parts (a.k.a.: The things you don't understand and/or have a problem with) ... and then call that 'the understanding' of what I'm trying to tell You ... that's a YOU problem.

And that's what I'm coming to terms with. I mean, I'm looking for the blame on me. Like, obviously ... somewhere I must have messed up. But I'm running out of things to beat myself up on. Right now I'm stuck with my attitude and feelings ... which are also new but arguably the potentials could have been there and had I only been like ... this little nuance in my sub-quantum state rather than that then I would have nudged slightly more the one way then the other and I maybe could have turned out "better". So, the conclusion is that I literally just suck ... that's that and thanks for playing. And yea, I just can't. And that must be it. Why I'm not the chosen and all. I suck ... in ways I can't even begin to describe. It's like ... the color 'brown'. Other colors get to like ... be fancy on their own. Brown always needs context to not suck. It's literally the worse.

So, I'm like down to the things I have no control over - and by virtue of that, the things that I didn't do because of it. Like, the parable with the talents. I'm obviously the one who burried them, while the Antichrist is the one making bank. Yea, sucks ... but what am I going to do about it?

See, that's the reality of my check.
For as long as what I value to be everything is valued for nothing; And as long as I get blame for things I can't control ... I don't know ... why I'm here at all. I mean, obviously I have no 'point' there, that's ... the thing. But why am I then here defending myself? Like, against what? Or, what am I defending? I mean ... I must be crazy having all that shit going on in my head and it's like ... I don't even know. Mightily nuts.

So, obviously ... that's horseshit. But when removing that picture from the wall ... I don't know. There's a wall. I'm off playing Terraria now ...


On a sidenote, I just started Blacklist Season 9 ... . I mean, it doesn't matter - but I feel like people might be trying to figure out what I take from it ... and ... the truth is, I feel that way because I see things brought up that I just wrote about. So, in essence I'm ahead of the cruve.
As for the show, well. It kind of makes sense now ... . I mean, now I'm like joking about Dembe being like "Maybe You should just tell her the Truth". I mean, he's not wrong ... but, I can see why one might struggle. Take the matter of 'purpose' versus 'happenstance' for instance. Happenstance kind of 'takes' the 'why' from the equation ... but people who are looking for it will still find one. And so Reddington is always like ... prepared for the Dirk Gentley way of life and everyone else is just mystified by it - well, movie magic I suppose - because everyone keeps looking for answers where there are none, ignoring those that are given - all driven by some dark need for a resolution that in and of itself happens to be the qualitative source of all of their problems.
Reddington is no different. His problem tends to be Elizabeth, in a ... "what came first? The chicken or the egg?" type of situation.
Well, it's the chicken who would then have the anatomy to lay the first egg. Eggs are products of organisms, so - without the organism there's no product.
Organisms evolve. One organism thereby produces a "faulty version of itself" ... and that's how evolution happens.
But I suppose it's not always that clear cut.