A Manifestation regarding myself and my Mission in Sexual Terms

Hello, my Name is Nicole Christina - and I'm a trans woman; And I'm not sure if I can write this right now. I'm currently in a rehabilitation program to get myself into an employable state and am prohibited from smoking weed. So, my introspection is a bit low right now. Also am I driven by a need here as opposed to inspiration. And when it comes to urges, my head is really more in a mood of hating on the USAmerican brand of conservativism - which has become somewhat synonymous with Traditional Christians, also known as "TradCon"s (Traditional Conservatives) - and you can find the one and the other thing about it in the studies section.

But yea - if you so will, I'm a Liberal ... or a Socialist or a Communist ... - and there's a reason why I think this matters in this context. Like ... how an aweful lot of stories pertaining to sexual abuse seem to come from those spaces where people generally run around with the "happy God Loving person" smile on their faces and nobody assumes anything vile going on behind that fassade.
Of course we can add to that, that these spaces feel aligned with beliefs that strictly put the man above the woman - by merely implying that they put God above themselves in the same manner. But when it comes to God and how God acts, we don't generally see that kind of authoritarian behaviour. Rather, we see God being overall relatively "Liberal". There are the Laws but when God is upset with His people it's usually not because they didn't obey this or that particular Law, but because they misunderstood the intent behind having a Law. "The big idea" we might say. That is what I understand to be the mercy of God that was made manifest in Christ - and yet "those" Christians take it as an opportunity to impose an even more draconian rationality of it upon the living.

The sermon of the mount so teaches us that even just thinking of Sex in our heart makes us a Sinner. And if you understand what else Christ had to say about Law and Lawfulness - you may realize that this isn't to say that we should bar ourselves from thinking about Sex, but that we are to understand that we're all sinners under the Law and need something better to attain salvation.

So, what is Sin? Is it only us displeasing God? Or is there more to it? That us harming one another might be what displeases God? And to add insult to injury - people would use the Word of God to do what displeases Him. And that's why TradCons are in my crosshairs here.
A lot of what I have to say in terms of my sexuality is really down "their alley" - at least on the surface. And when I hear Christians engaging in Grooming practices and Conservatives expressing a desire to be more like the Taliban - it only confirms my suspicions and consolidates my concerns even further. Like, what is the meaning of the atonement of Christ if the religion it creates is virtually indestinguishable from one that doesn't have it? That they get to be in heaven in the end and the others not? For what?

Jesus died for our sins as it were our sins that demanded him to be crucified. It was by our ignorance, the loud echoes of the voices of the hypocrites and traditionalists of the time, that Jesus' life was given unto a mob that was out for blood; Probably yelling such things as "hypocrite", "demon lord" and what not while it happened. I mean, in all the years I haven't really found a conclusive way to write about this atonement. There are a lot of angles - and be it just God atoning for His own sins unto us. Like the tree of Knowledge, the whole "spoiling the earth" bit, the flood, Babel ... with Baptism being a sortof ... new covenant. And it is in this spirit - this sense of peace, understanding, doing what is right, etc. - to let go of the hate - that we can grow. Beyond our own ignorance, intolerance, hatred, hypocricy, etc..
But yea. I don't really write about it all that much because - it's actually kindof hard to miss if you roughly know what the Gospels are talking about. But I will also say that I think "people" have a propensity towards individual uncertainty. And there are good reasons for that. Someone else might know better - and you want to make sure that you're not getting it wrong. (cynical comment: If only!). And then there are all these bullshit merchants that'll tell you the weirdest nonsense ... . It sure is a double edged sword. But so, please - contact God and request His assistance! (James 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.")

But sure - my beef here certainly extends beyond Traditional Christians and unto every sort of ideology or belief that features these kinds of intolerance and misogyny. Well, it's all good until it isn't - and it's all bad until it isn't. Once the male privilege of leadership turns into oppression - guess what: Not a fan of it!

It might be worth reminding folks of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah - to ask the question how far away we are from an institutionalized version thereof. Looking into the TradCon way of life - it almost seems like an institutionalized fassade for Child Abuse and sex-trafficking. I'm not saying that women can't enjoy being subs - but the same applies to men. And you being appalled by such despicable displays of masculinity - well - that's ... toxic masculinity. At any rate the assumption that the male genitals impart authority upon other peoples sexual preferences unto you. Sure could you band together and re-affirm those social constructs to each other - at which point: See Sodom and Gomorrah.

So, as said: A lot of what I have to share in terms of my Sexuality and corresponding ideas and visions might trigger these Traditionalist beliefs. Some of them as hidden behind the fassade - others as carried out into the open. But whatever you do or believe - if you do not acknowledge the Gnostic Dilemma and do not do what it takes to attain unity with the divine - you're not acknowledging the fundamental premises that inform my beliefs.
You might think that it doesn't matter. That right is right regardless of what esoteric mumbo jumbo is attached to it - but you'd be wrong! Sure is there a surface level of what is right; But if you don't believe in the esoteric mumbo jumbo that tells us why it is as it is - can we really trust you with the nuances of it all?

Part 1 - The Enlightenment of Self

Well - let us so talk about ones self. The nature of self. The reality of individuality.

"The Enlightenment of Self" can mean two things here. As intended - it is an enlightenment whereby one takes their own standards (spiritual quirks, passions, desires, etc.) as enlightened reality. And this can be done in a right and a wrong way. As we might say: A way of dark whereby this concept is pursued to the purest of degrees - and a way of Light where one will let God illuminate ones self.

So, on the dark way one may perceive a desire to molest a child or rape a woman - and see that as a doctrine. That isn't all that far away from homo- and transphobia that emerges from a perceived insult of ones own gender identity imposed by the mere existence of the gay or trans person. Though it is situated differently in that one perceives their gender as a universal truth. That all men are the same; And that a man being gay or "not actually a man" (trans women) tarnish this universal reality; Or the doctrine of the biological gender dichotomy.

On the way of Light one may perceive a desire to molest a child or rape a woman - but the Light will certainly not elevate that into a state of doctrine unless it establishes a workeable context for that. And ignoring that for now - there's also the process of getting there. To understand why those desires exist, to understand their nature in context of you and society. To find reason within abstaining from those urges without engaging with practices of self-denial. As - any context wherein those urges would be "workeable", I reckon, got to be pretty abstract and barely reasonable within this physical reality.

But yea. To ask for whether or not such context/environments could exist takes us back to the surface level of right. And context for rapey fantasies is certainly way easier to establish than the other. But yea. If we so had "workeable context" - wouldn't that again put the way of dark and the way of light on equal footing? Well - maybe on a surface level, but ... I would bet that people on a dark path would come with a completely different set of motivations, demands and such into "a place like that". But the real difference is when those places just don't exist. Or so: The root causes for behaviour.

I mean, it is certainly not my ambition nor the point of what I'm trying to say at any point here - to create an outlet for people unwilling to search for the Light. Dot-period.exe.
They can - and probably will - go to hell for all I care. What I'm saying is that there's a way and that within the Light a lot of nonsense can be good. But it cannot be good unless the neccessary components are there. One of which is your own self. And while that won't change what sex is on the surface level of it all - it changes how we approach and live with it.

So am I identifying as a whore, a sex-slave and ... more. I am thereby considering myself to be enslaved for life, which means that I am at no age free from it - and yea - that is me fantasizing of being a child in an environment where I'm forced into prostitution. That's not all I fantasize about, but ... part of it. Further it entails brainwashing or rather programming, charms (magic), conditioning, slave training ... bla. Whatever. Like, being enslaved by my own son, married to my father or brother, ... none of which is compatible with this life. As so son, father and brother would essentially be the same person. At least ... "mostly of time". So yea - talking about heaven/paradise.
And yea - those things may happen there because God almighty can enable us to bend the laws of physics to our own pleasure. Like ... making a Star Wars reality - or playing Dragonball Z IRL. So, there is no need to denie yourself an acknowledgment of these things that are true but maybe not practical in this world.

Enlightenment is hereby more than just developing habits of abstinence. It is also about creating a more wholesome self that can define itself through more than just the most pivotal urges. This will allow you to generate a state in which those urges no longer take priority - but do very much still exist ... in all of their glory. So is it not about the hope that one day we might dwell in heaven - as that might only create an urge to be there. It is about knowing yourself but also about letting the Light transform you.
The question of whether or not you might ever satisfy those urges ... doesn't really exist in there. There's a concrete certainty that the ways in which you are valid - to the light and a corresponding society - aren't just there to keep you complicit. But hence it also isn't a thing that any amount of pyschotherapy could accomplish.

So yea - in essence, on some surface level, this is about letting God "fix" you - to take away those urges that might make you a bad person. But you're getting the wrong idea if you think that we're merely cut down into a state of compatibility with some universal way of living. Although some fetishes might ... .

I mean - as of that there 'is' a world in which we can religiously practice/believe-in sexual enslavement and child abuse/rape - which exists on a basis of mutual interest. So is this "paradise idea" like a projection of our dreams and wishes - dreams and wishes we might not want to acknowledge - into a hypothetical space where we know that if we could make it a reality we would.
So yea, eventually there is this "spicey" truth that each and everyone of us that "partakes in it" - whichever side of the story we're at - has a lingering interest in it being real. Which however doesn't bypass the restrictions that ultimately can even become part of the fetish. Because God is more than just outside of us.

So if we speak about prostitution, sexual enslavement/BDSM, rape fantasies - it's relatively easy to find ways to accommodate that. When it comes to prostitution the problems are logistical and when it comes to rape fantasies the problems are of immersion. Which is as easy, to the one who wants to be raped, as to imagine it while the reality around doesn't try to break the illusion.
But yea, there's a good reason why we'd want a barrier of entry. Although on the surface there's no reason to not let some reckless asshole join the frey; There's plenty of reason to believe that we'd regret such choices ... probably sooner rather than later.
Like so am I also not willing to produce a manual for how to be this or that the right way. It should come of the individuals own Light. I mean, to put it bluntly, if I want to be raped I don't want to have to tell my rapist how to do it. But I also don't ... want to actually get raped. As in: I'm in it for the fun not some emotional or physical trauma.

Naturally we cannot involve children on the same basis. So are we here - on this basis - thinking of Enlightened individuals coming together to have fun. But also - further down the road - lifestyles that align to those ideals. Which is then where Children would eventually get caught up in. I mean, Children grow up to be adults and whatever habits we may develop, culturally, cannot be said to be taboo for them. I mean, there's this thing that barring kids from becoming sexually educated may only temper their curiosity. Like ... how I think that sexual depravity is more common in strict religious environments that actually forbid it. Which could eventually become deranged as they simply get accepted. And it might be that society stigmatizing aspects of that behaviour makes it even more deranged in that there is no interface with reality.
The thing so is that kids who would be raised by parents that are members of this sexual derangement grow up exposed to a greater degree of sexuality - but if they actually want to have a part in it ... is a different question.

An important one!

Part 2 - The other Enlightenment of Self

Transgender people like myself certainly can relate to "the dark way" in a way that doesn't involve the outside world much. It is an internal truth that pertains to ourselves and how we experience ourselves within the circumstances we exist in. While we may certainly speak of urges, passions and desires here - the experience here is that they simply don't line up with what "ought to be". And it's not that I merely have urges or passions that are "unmanly" - it is that I have urges or passions that pertain to a female identity. It is that inside I perceive myself as a woman, while I do have passions and desires relating to that.

And most trans people know - these things start to emerge during childhood. The moment that a gender awareness starts to form, so it certainly seems, this idea of how one perceives themselves inside starts to contradict with ... what one experiences themselves inside of. I mean ... I remember that we once played giving birth. I was in the bed being pregnant with one of our plush toys. Can I say that it turned me on? Maybe not - as I also don't think I understood enough about boys being unable to give birth. But - this idea of giving birth was certainly one that enticed me; And is probably 'the one thing' I remember the movie "the Blue Lagoon" for. That it made me want to be ... the girl. And yea, today I relate to it in a perverted way because not much about my identity/individuality isn't. If anything at all.

Part 3 - An Enlightened Society

So to me - when it comes to children, there is a lot more to say than merely what pertains to pedophilia. A lot of ... MORE IMPORTANT stuff ... by the way. Things we have to realize.
So - parents might like to say that they know best what is good for their children - but is that really the case if they didn't spend a second of their life thinking of what their children want? Thinking that they might have dreams or wishes on their own? To get to know the person that is growing up? To really learn about them to know what it is they would need to become their best selves?

I would think that there's an aweful lot of friction between parents and kids pertaining to mixed messenging, harmful imperatives, a lack of approval; And simple abuse. Which isn't always sexual. Apparently some parents get a power kick out of bossing their kids around.

In as far as Christ said that he came to bring the sword (that tears families apart) - we have to learn that the world is vast and diverse; And that God encourages us to explore it. And what so ends up being best for our Children - is something that has to be learned.


If you so want to have a simple answer on whether or not we condone pedophilia - the simple answer is: In heaven/paradise FOR SURE! But in this world we have to learn to be more considerate of our own impulses - and doing so is what separates the good from the bad.

January 8, 2022