The question: Who I am

Sexual Revelation? Well - yes and no! I mean ... yes. And then ... no again. Well - it depends. I'm just about to wrap up the whole clarity thing - and a few things keep running through my mind - where I have the feeling ... well, thinking about writing about stuff seperately feels better. So ... here.

However - more on my mind "then" (here, now) is - what about all that? And I must say - I have a ... no feeling about it. So - now that I think about it - there's something ... and I hadn't thought of it before ... well. Yea - so it goes. "Some bits you keep, some bits you loose!". ;) - What I mean is that I wasn't feeling positive about this 'whole' thing going down the "Sexual Revelation" road - and so issues with this and that came back up - ... "doubts" ... - but ... what is there to be doubted?

But yea - thats the whole point. Sexual or not? It depends. Look at all the stuff I write - I mean - without some sexual fulfillment - a whole lot of it is just bogus. (And don't come at me with bullshit like: Isn't it obvious that if you hit on a celebrity its gonna end with sex?! - it isn't!).


Or ... ? I mean ... were it so that I'm right and she's a fucking pervert and its a dead givaway that things are gonna end ... up ... that one way - then, the confirmation of my story is actually the opposite! Sometimes ... there are things ... that make me wish I could just shoot myself!

And because of such nonsense I don't even know where to start and where to begin - yea, I mean ... stuff is horribly inconsistent and out of nowhere - ... all the time you wanted to achieve something that so easy simply put right ... and then shit like that. Well, don't mind that! Sorry people! If you get the impression that I'm ... mad at you ... its not you! Its ... "them". Like, you do understand what I'm telling you? Fine! You're not one of 'them'. "They" are 'too smart' for us - you know - we just don't get it! We're not on their level, advanced enough, thinking logically enough ... whatever! I don't get it - so - ... now I must turn off my mind and believe everything they say?


And yet another thing: Their incapacity to comprehend ... lets put it that way ... is ... a horrible weapon! I mean ... you probably dig the whole "growing stronger through challenges" thing - and thats what this is. They will ask stupid questions - where, once you get there and can explain to them everything they want to know perfectly - they'll just turn around and say "nah" anyway! So ... fuck that!

Like ... how much more ... "blood" do I have to squeeze out of myself?


But yea, 'if' Monica can't confirm my story - then there isn't really a story per se; And hence no sexual revelation. Whether its a miracle or not - totally beside the point! We/You have to stop thinking that way anyway! Miracles ... if thats what stuff were about ... . No, 'truth' is what matters. In a variety of ways. Truth is important - as, what is Righteousness? for instance. To fight for truth? Not necessarily - but truth ... is truth! Its right! If a person killed another person and we'd punish the wrong one - how would that be righteous? Yea yea, around 12 corners, then straight forward in zig zag, then a round about down under and what not. No ... no ... keep it simple!

If we ever start thinking around corners - where would we come to end?


Looking at things 'straight' also reveals problems. Like, lets not pre-conclude and then use false asumptions as alibi reasons.


Alibi Reasons

[CNS.2017.04.30|22:20]

Thank God for Marijuana

Truth ... well, there is a truth about me - and I called it clarity. How I present it here - there is no doubt about it; And regarding the things that are certain for me ("#" Real life consequences) you may come to understand how little doubt per se. When it gets to relationships - this clarity really begins to 'cook' - though, whilst its all imaginary - my clarity may as well be one big delusion!
Kindof. What is a delusion? When we start to move into the realm of the spiritual, psyche, ... what is and what is not ... real - or 'real enough'?

Before I got unified I had stuff going through my head - thus I think, you must "feel" in about the same. A lot of stuff then just came ... however ... and for the most part that is why I can relax - I think. I mean - things will then eventually just come to you - and if there's a difference between you and I in that regard, ... well, ... what is the difference? We don't know yet! As an independent individual however - I'm good at things and bad at things. If things were up to me though - Sex were the only thing that mattered. Interesting ... isn't it?

I mean - OK, I'm ... somewhere totally else right now! I've been thinking: How 'legit' is ones self? I mean, I have learned to keep such things to myself, you know, being ashamed and stuff, have so come to grow ... towards a decent common sense ... nothing too weird - and thus Sex were the least of my concerns! Well, how naive in deed! Whatever or whoever you are - maybe you can deal with it - that I ... am not Universe - I mean ... if you so took me as a "mirror" - to so 'in theory' get along with people you actually wouldn't - I still would be one of a kind and thus, be more of one kind than another. And such things - well - straight were to say: I eventually had to figure out the 'truth' about Sex and make it part of my program! And well - that happened at some point, kindof! It was basically just a thought. "If everyones into it, free sex is not evil!". You know - the simple way! The way of 'logic' rather than 'doctrine'. Thats what I had learned about Christendom thus far - at that point - though, it wasn't really ... 'safe'. You might feel that ... . Like, a child - that, if you ask it for what 1+1 is, it hesitates and 'asks': Two?

As we grow older only the problems we solve become more complicated - there's sotosay always a 1+1 we don't know how to solve.

And that is the crux here. So, in case you wonder - really really badly - read the 4 Gospels, ... and then the letter to the Romans. Otherwise you might ask a specialist on passages of the Bible and the Book of Mormon that do specifically demand chastity - and - berp - . There's that segment in the Book of Mormon that goes as far as to call 'sexual sin' as bad as murder - but for once that was 'pre Christ' and for the other part ... I don't care ... it was pre-Christ!

Yea, either I'm not fully enlightened yet, or I still just don't know everything yet!

Whatever. With ... dogma and doctrine ... the problem is that we don't necessarily have someone to answer our questions. Like, how is the Bible to be understood? Which Christian confession to ask? And how many of them claim to turn towards the Scripture? Unless they don't have a "living Jesus Christ" - pretty sure they do so.

So - 'this' I mean. I kindof do consciously relate to the contemporary - and I think that 'contemporary to me' (as I'm writing this, to say: Most stuff goes on in my head) is a blurr of different situations - and in part plausibly the future.
And people that just refuse to understand ... are annoying! You never know what ... the next bullshit is they come up with!


So - what is Sex? Is Sex a need? Yes? No? Well - ask for the consequences. No? Then, what else isn't a need - and thus part of all the things we may have to equally throw out of the window, calling it garbage? Recreation? Well - not all of it, but ... a good chunk - right? Human Rights? Rights? Except maybe the 'right to serve' ... "your nation" or whatever. "But what ... " - thats the problem! You don't have to solve all the problems! And if everyone else goes down that road before you - you won't be the one up front clearing out the debris either! If someone does something - he or she or it would be 'naive' to not have the slightest concept of what has to be done! ... How ... were that even possible?

But yea - sometimes we just do stuff. Thats life! We just live ... and the only point ... would be death!

So, in that sense - our choices actually are: How do we go about it? Maybe ... jumping out of a plane? Into a volcano? ... Hanging from a church tower? Trying to kickflip accross the Grand Canyon?

But ... thats absurd! And it is absurd that it is absurd! Kindof. We live, we have feelings, moods - we kindof enjoy being alive - or at least - we kindof ... have an attachment to it. But why? I mean - there are people like me and people with worse issues - and - what part do we have in this world?

"We're standing on a shore" - and before going 'Heil Hitler' - you might wanna consider - what I have to offer.


Think of the 'full spectrum' as of a flower. So, there's the spectrum of Light, the spectrum of masses, the spectrum of particles, ... stuff and stuff ... and its not all even. There are no 'only 12 of each kind' - and so are we. We there maybe could start looking at our 'extremes' within our variety by looking at the music we like. Though I do like a wide variety of genres - and would agree to certain classical pieces being masterpieces - I would yet also regard some masterpieces to DMX (X Gon give it to ya, Party Up, etc.), Tupac (...) - uhm, ... the point being I yet have individual taste. I mean, what is a Superstar but a person that many people ... want to see, or hear? Why pay some Keanu Reeves millions to be in a movie? So for "mainstream". And offstream! I mean - Keanu Reeves ... is he really a 'mainstream' actor? Jet Li or Jackie Chan? Anyhow - I mean ... some things eventually end up greater than they are - because one thing that millions agree with a bit will be larger than one thing that only a few agree with no matter how much. But then there is also just ... 'good stuff' ... you know ... Michael Jackson for instance. It doesn't matter whether or not every Michael Jackson fan actually preferred someone else more ... .

Yea, and this is one of those moments - where I cognitively clash with Christians. They might be coming at this ... hmm, ... well, anyhow ... that is still, yet another spectrum. Another part of the bloom. With totally different concepts - and so ... back at Sex. Instead of going about preaching Chastity - I yet very well kept on leaning towards the sober end - though in my head a totally different thing was going on. I didn't have much of a concept of Sex, Sexuality, Sex Culture ... but still very well of do's and don'ts - in the general sense - 'Christian Taboos' - and in a sense - after eating some scripture, they were something I sortof ... had to spit out. It just couldn't stick with me - but it did take a while! I mean, today - thinking back - I was like blanksed out from thinking of something - and that makes me feel like ... something is wrong ... I mean, I should have gone on like that - but - its like I took a break from that, even possibly ignoring a dream, and its kindof in about just "now" (ish) that this came to conclude - where now I have a more accurate experience regarding my own sexuality. I mean, 'who wouldn't' at first want to ... hide ... all the personal shame? And now?


Mwell - now we're here! And if I was incapable of one thing, then ... hiding my shame! As for this webpage - its like ... I tried to get it 'out' of the System - but it not being there then kindof blocked some progress/process - and in that sense I can't help it!
And yea - think about it: When was it? 2005, 2006? So, lets say '10 years' - 10 years of experience that would otherwise have been supressed - with the important thing being: A lot of stuff "came to it". I mean - I would at some point for instance buy a dildo because I felt the need for it. Then I would grow ashamed about myself and throw it away. To then find again, yea, I might want one - until I finally end the inner urge and got one - just to then be ashamed again ... and so forth. Is it now a lack of strength? What strength? Strength 'for what'? So, at the beginning of the story you would have me 'that' way - and I might agree - that its sick - abnormal and has to be chastised. But now ... I would very well still be ashamed of myself when approached from a certain angle, a broad one, but when all mankind were all of a sudden conscious of what is on this site ... I mean, whatever, maybe just in this (and connected), I'm sure the angle were smaller. Anyway ... while it would seem silly to finally shake my head over throwing these things away ("intervention angle") ... I would because I know that I would be rebuying them as soon as I could - if age wouldn't make it sortof pointless.
But ... what is 'too old'?
^^
Oh my!

OK. So, ... "buuuuuut" ... now - its not just the dildo - its identity. Well - "what a shocker" that I turned out to be that - while there have been plenty of indicators to that beforehand. But well - parents don't get to see what their children are doing! I mean - maybe! Mine however certainly saw this and that - to the extent that ... yea, time maybe wasn't ripe for! And that is kindof the thing that I'm pointing at - that there is something like a 'natural way' for a human to grow - and then there are external influences. And so it goes: "Religious Dogmatics" would say its right for a human to bend against it - while "Naturalists" would say its right to let it flow. The Book of Mormon is at this instance 'Religiously Dogmatic' (Pre-Christ) - as it at some point 'condemns' the 'natural man' as 'the enemy of God' - which in a way of thinking is certainly correct. And so there are for instance the 10 Commandments - as a given 'rod' for given 'freedom' to align to. Then came Christ, sortof tossed the law over board, called for Friendship and disappeared. Here we're dealing with 'the Law of the Holy Spirit/Ghost' - if with any Law whatsoever - as regarding the New Testament - and what that Law is - isn't told - just that a sin against it cannot be forgiven. So, what is your guess?
Is it like ... a minefield? Life as a minefield and those who are lucky make it to the end?
Idealistically Sin doesn't matter to me anymore. And I think Mormons agree - that rather than 'sin', their concern is order. I mean, Mormon Churches are ... awesome! I mean, wherever I've been - I always felt like a little child is running the place. And yea, almost everyone, if not ... I mean, everyone is a big child in its head I suppose. It is written that we should not laugh (Doctrine and Covenants) - but nobody cares about everyone laughing the whole time. And why? It isn't cynicism. Its just ... whatever. The spirit!
We love to have a good time!
And regarding the church Laws - if we can call it that way - I would pretty much be 'unworthy' in every concernable way ... but I'm not an active member either. That kindof ... comes together too. My life so generally doesn't have an intersection with theirs - and attendance in church activities ... well, there isn't really a point to it if you 'should be somewhere else'. But so we can now draw a clear line - between this and that - in concerns of that 'exclusion'. Now - exclusion is natural - for us. Variety makes it so. We mark off. And if you embrace variety - you yet vastly only embrace a subset of the variety - to different degrees. We can embrace people that are the polar opposite to us - in a 'socially incompliable' way - but through our different lifestyles and the therefrom corresponding habits and habitats will always draw a clear 'limit'. Always?

Thats the next bit. This may get a bit ... weird.
We can realize the concept - of how now different origins ... like, lets take the Queens from a Chess Board. Black Queen and White Queen. (Though gameplay wise the King would be more appropriate). Whatever - the idea being that there is the Castle ... oh, get the idea? ... the towers, the guards and land ... between them. They in their every day life don't have to deal a lot with each other. In 'real life' however this again changes with power. So, someone with little power can sotospeak be 'assimilated' - and with bad things happening ... we however don't really know ... the past ... of what has been lost. The past however is important ... but ... anyway ... regarding these powers ... we can so speak of a 'higher reality' or a 'higher truth' where God has the picture. I mean - see it that way: The root of all existence observing us - has a concept of what we individually are - no matter our situation in the 'real world'. And once we know that picture, we know how close the 'lower reality' is to it. Tastes bitter?

So, however is there now "the dark side" - that side that is basically 'excluded' from the Gospel ... and is that right? Or, OK? Well - to be fair: The Church has a clear guideline to be cautious of criminals that may want to bypass some law by joining some religion - which apparently has happened once or twice before and so is a formality asked ... and ... I don't know what'd be next for someone like that - yet anyway: How many people don't even come close to considering becoming a Mormon?


OK, maybe with this that changes - but - you know ... people think Christianity is Insanity!


As for theology: It is one of the few religions that 'can' be true - speaking of a divine claim of identity - and those 'few' that come to mind - they all share the same root. So ... that!

I mean, Christianity is a religion that has outspokenly clearly zero tolerance (well, ... to be real, 'a little' tolerance is there) to an alternate truth or reality or religion. As either you confess that you are a Christian, or you're not a Christian! I mean, its all or nothing! But ... anyhow.


So, what is with the but? OK - the but ... thats now where we're getting back to ... polygamy. To keep it simple. Or polyamorie. Or whatever the fuck you wanna call it (next). Abraham had two, Jacob had 4, David had ... uhm, ... Salomo ... 1000s? OK, lets not speak about Salomo. Or maybe a little. If anything, he's the 'spoiled brat'. In persona. King of Israel, protected by God due to a promise to David. (Thats a ... "for the sake of thy legacy" kind of thing).
Anyway ... that is just to say ... poly"amorie" has a way of being in the Bible - but the point isn't to set that as: "Its in the Bible, therefore it is right" - but I want to point out that it wasn't ever really 'wrong' either. Within poly'amorie' however we have the 'concept' of three or more people loving each other - while further that can be extended on the type of love ... and ... stuff.

Types of love as mine. Or yours. Now, the good that we may all have done to each other may be to preserve us grounds for settling on in our growing variety. See - variety isn't only a mix of genders and races. It comes within anyone who grows up and sees the variety of things that there are - and gets interested in a few of them. So, where did God ever treat "other species/races" right? Did ... Jesus speak to the Greek? Well - something however did speak to them. And the pessah meal - the feast - it has a few lines on welcoming strangers.

So - in general the 'but' could be as much as - OK, then we walk alone! But - that wouldn't be right! Right?


No - but seriously. On the other side we have a cruisade for censorship. And the "SJW Army" damn clear shows us that time for jokes are over! (They ... xd ... roflmao ... are ... "too offensive" !!!! .... ahahahahaaaaa ... killa app!)

Yes seriously! I, uhm - OK, seriously?! Seriously ... ! Seriously ... I'm out of "white page" I guess. ...



End of the line? 2 a.m.?


I need help! Kindof. Sortof. But really. I ... have a problem getting along. Like, for years now I've primarily been pending around "this machine" (the netbook I'm writing this on) - and while I used a laptop for some time - it broke at some point. And so also this screen. Just, back and forth - from bed to pc - as my netbook would be there. I have my stuff all over the place - I don't even know - backups of backups - like, my entire past is just ... poof ... floating out of the window. Between this and bed I sometimes play Video Games or do stuff ... that I want to get over with real quick. Obligatory stuff.
And clearly something is missing in this routine.

So I sometimes get times where I have nothing to do - or I have something to do but I can't figure out what and where and why - but still I'm there puzzled, locked into breeding upon it - paralyzed to do anything otherwise useful. So yea - that is something that I can work on - ... I err ... guess. I'm not so sure anymore.


... [2017.05.01|05:27]-05.02|06:29 [no more dope, but its OK - need to cool down a little, ... until relaxing becomes stresslaxing again].


But OK - if you wanna know where this is going you'll probably end up here - while [here] is another "Whitepage" article I wrote recently that I couldn't come to an end yet I"ll put it here for the inspirational stuff. Which is - its not that I intentionally write the wrong thing. I want to write about stuff regarding my sexuality - in a sense - though at some points before I can write about that I have to write about the thing wherein those thoughts happen to matter.


The short version should be pretty obvious at some point. Though we can call it a cult or a club and have fun ... I don't see why we would need 'me' per se. I guess - everyone who's into something has one or another way of getting it. At least for as long as won't look at the exceptionally bad cases ... which err ... might however be the majority of people. But, what you wanna do about it?

Yea, right! 'Nothing' is not good! No ... we want to think of a better future ... but, I always believed that that were a common venture - which is why I don't really believe in charities either. Not that I think that they don't do good - I just wanna think bigger - thinking that charity isn't a solution. Its a treatment. And because of that I have to wind myself up to letting go - giving the control away. And by control I basically first of all mean 'ego'. Like, once I'd take it upon myself I'd be killing myself over "getting everything done right" - which I partially do but in those moments I tend to be sortof deluded about the (quality of the) content on this site. And the smart enough amongst you will figure: If you want this to go into any good direction you got to help me getting it there - as else - you're basically just hoping something, at best, (if not being flatout ignorant) ... but yea.

Its all pretty simple - and what I am makes for a great case example. Sortof. At least by principle and in theory.

But so - by principle, taken seriously, I'm not allowed to set myself on par with other humans. Where, that were bad OK, but it isn't bad if my lifestyle doesn't actually suffer from it. Like - a no-smoking area is only a nuisance if you happen to be a smoker and the next smoking area is like over the hill at night. And the strings of kink can be/are strong!

So, to get 'there' we need something of a legal recognition of 'the Light' - where I'm sure that 'my case' isn't on top of the priorities list - and - where you wonder about any such thing as a priorities list - ... make your own! I mean - this isn't a cynical, downlooking 'in spite' sounding "make your own" - its a ... 'kindergarten teacher encouraging the children' type of ... I mean - make your own! You then get to your own priorities - and with enough reasoning you can split off the more relevant ones ... and depending on where you stand ... you're either more or less in charge of things.


But so lets get to it

 So ... "I need help" ... which is ... relatively speaking correct. In that sense I'm thinking about 'myself' - independent of clarity - and on that base I would follow up and argue that my partner and closest friends would need some inspired interest into what I'm doing, ... and then we'd somehow manage what I'm trying to do alone right now together. That is the simple premise - and per se, nothing really speaks against it. Its just practical. And if there are any 'buts' to be concerned about - they don't really matter as much, and especially not 'front up'.
This "can even be supported" by clarity and stuff - despite my clarity having 'nothing' to 'lead' me there. I mean - my clarity rather leads me away from that. Yet the main argument thereby is more about lifestyle - which is not really connected to what else we 'do' - or 'can do', more specifically.

And so the main supporting things are 'time', 'opportunity' and 'dis-deluded pragmatism'. So, by 'dis-deluded' I mean that although we can think of clarity stuff as 'roleplay'-esque things, there isn't really a way of being 'out of character' - in real life, as yourself! And so its possibly important to stress that - also in regards to Unification. Any sort of head 'bending' you got to do is a delusion! Don't do that! If you got to make an effort of upholding the impression that you're enlightened or "in clarity" - forget it!

And, oh yea: You may be able to conceive my kinks and come to the conclusion that they don't work for you that way. Like, you don't see how it can be life-fulfilling as you get to a bottom where you just have to let go. But yea, you have other things where that bottom isn't there - the things that 'do' fulfill you! And if you want to object to my stand on this - proof to me that we're all fulfilled by the same things! - err, sorry! Yea, "duh"!


"Now I want you all to take a look at the palm of your right hand, and slap it against your forehead!" XD - funny!


"Don't forget" - what I'm trying to convey is 'strictly' 'non-dogmatic'. If you wanna quote the Bible on it, say: "Everything is allowed, but not everything is constructive".

And what is constructive? Don't ... fuck yourself over with rules and dogmata in that regard! If its not really destructive ... oh yea, according to dogma here and bible verses X, Y and Z convulated over idea this and that then everything can be destructive I'm sure, ... I mean ... I'm a whore - end of de line.

And how to go about it being not too selfish?


Well, its an inherantly selfish and excluding statement! "I'm a whore, and you probably not!". So, I do care about stuff that you deem, ... immoral or whatever, consider in sacred and any arising problems are yours! "Deal with it!".

But then, at some point, its value as constructive or destructive depends on you! To meet the constructive ends though, you may have to rather ignore me, and think of your own. Not about whether or not you are a whore - but by starting to recognize that I "might actually in deed be one" you can grasp that you have your own clarity, waiting to be found!

For what point?

So we (everyone else) can treat you the way you 'deserve'. (For being alive and with us).

But well, enough with this! More concerning is: How strongly does God re-enforce our clarity? I mean, taking it first of all back to the simple premise - the case and point about that in regards of this question is one of tolerance. Not about tolerating, but of freedom! Or, how we finally interact on a personal level. So - when you know the darker pits within me you can draw some pretty dystopic images - as, to keep it simple, like - I'm to get raped all the time. Just take it like that where every significant interaction with me would be something you couldn't really agree with. Which you are probably not gonna find too difficult to do. Maybe right now ... but not so in general. Yet, eventually this situation of hurting me becomes 'unfree' - or a routine without any actual sense of freedom for everyone. Get up, eat, rape, sleep - rinse and repeat. Thats ... nonsensical! "Kindof" ... but ... thats too far away right now.
Its like so: There is no real mentioning for how I am to experience 'the Love' in my clarity - other than that instead of Love I am to receive hate. As that is so the thing I'm getting off on. Kindof. But so there is no mentioning of Jesus in the prayer of Unification either, though, Jesus isn't excluded per se! Jesus is taken for granted at that point. And so - if I had to constantly suffer oppression and depression then that were how my 'owners' would want to relate to me and I would be fine with it. Technically speaking. Love has many ways - and some people who are so in 'Love' with me would be so on that narrow edge - where there is only one way of interacting with me, basically. For which certain things had to be going in a certain way as well. However - where that Love is more ... 'real Love' ... the "edge" is getting broader - and is, rather than an activity centric relationship, a more wholesome, personal one. Otherwise you could compare it to how any pet owner relates to its pet - or why that person would want a pet.
As for 'being' one ... ignoring roleplay elements such as 'living like a dog', like sleeping in a basket ... or cage ..., thats just the better way for me to fit into a society. Realistically. So, I seek comfort near my 'owner' - and so "be there for being what I am" ... as ... simple!
However ... so, you get the point that Love is Love - which does add as much as that God doesn't re-enforce it to the point that we're turning into robots. Yea, "Lol"? Ironically ... thats exactly what happens to me?! Yea! My mind is so! I have a pet mind in that I ... how to call it? I for instance can't deal with attention other than being a goofball. And telling me that I've done something right is like ... my mind cannot handle that information. It drops like into a deep black hole and I'm confused. Almost as if I've done something wrong. But yet whenever I think that I've done something right - I'm of course proud of myself. Such things. "Inherant reactions". I mean - for realisms sake: I live here alone - in a small room - doing nothing, day in day out, but sitting in front of my computer writing stuff. I know nothing else - and I'm sure that thinking of me as some kind of robot in at least some way makes it easier for you to relate to me at this point.
Now all you would need to add were some person that would Love me for it - a friendly face that however doesn't make a big deal out of what I do but loves me just for being. That person would know my ways - and know how to do good for me, or have fun with me - whatever.

There is however one 'but' that I cannot easily discard. Its like a kink - in that it came up and it sticks around and seems like it won't ever go away. So first of all curiosity will take me/us there - then we just get stuck on it - and then thats a thing. Sortof. This says that when asked for it - as to be strict for the sake of accuracy - those freedoms I would be allowed to have would all be going down the 'perversion road' - uhm - so, for instance, that I'm only allowed to do things on the computer that deal with sex. Like, my programming will all go down that road. As it isn't there for a purpose other than my persona - I shouldn't deal with things that take me too far away from that. This would change the simple premise in that regard, that the 'simple' of the premise were that the ways in which we'd 'work well' together wouldn't be 'work' per se.
And that also changes how you were to relate to me. Instead of thinking about me and where I am as some sort of intellectual stronghold where things are getting done - its more of a black hole wherein I disappear and get turned into/used as a slut. And how does that make you feel? Better? Or is that "better" yet just an "evil temptation"?
Clearly - those are the types of problems ... ! Like, how about liquor? Ban it? "Again"? But "this time" ... with more social backup?
How to wrong a right?
You got to keep the big picture in mind. By that I mean: Not every alcoholic is a brute! Maybe every alcoholic is an idiot - in some regard - but yea, every christian fundamentalist is a dictator! So, its all relative! You can 'accept' drinking without accepting violence! But surely we'd at that point benefit from 'everyone' - rather than being left alone. For, what can a group accomplish alone? And by group I mean: Cultural orientation. If it so were about "drunkards" vs "abstinencelers" - each would on their own live to their own ideal - where its more reasonable to say that the drunkards would benefit more of the abstinencelers, but, the drunkards wouldn't really care as much!
I would argue though that "drunkards" are more 'open' - in general - as liquor goes well with socializing - except on the other side ... but, this drunk openness is generally more open, less 'intellectually demanding', more mainstream - and therefore more like 'mortar' than 'hardened bricks'. Reasonable? Hope so!
Alcoholics are different. But they generally don't care I assume; And will get off of their alcoholism once they find something that is worth it - in their eyes. I have a friend, Lee - he's an alcoholic - and yea, I would also know how to point out how he's an idiot - but in general, he's also a really smart, understanding, coprehensive, mindful individual. And he has a heart of gold! Although his drunkard self makes him somewhat ... overly sensitive, in a 'comradship' sortof friendship based leftist/punk way. He's mindful to the point that he realizes the errors of too much alcohol - so he tried to give it up, again, ... and ultimately failed ... again. And that I mind because of ... there being no reason to really ... stay clean. Becoming clean and then working your way off the streets - thats not all that simple! Speaking of motivation for instance. And I figured that I was a bit of a good example to him. I had stuff to do ... and so I didn't always take it as far as they did and held things a bit together thereby. And so I was the idiot because I didn't have the time or scope to get onto his "trip" there. So he ultimately left in anger ... which I'm kindof sorry about ... but that is also his 'higher age' and possibly 'higher wisdom' "speaking" there - simply because our friendship couldn't go on in a reasonable way and he had to be the one to pull out because I wouldn't just dismiss him. Although - I would tend to think about other things and eventually forget him.
But yea, I further believe that we shouldn't be too mindful of each other. I mean, if you so wanted to take care of him - to be helpful - you have to realize that everyone will have to be, at some point, responsible for the own self. "Trials and Tribulations" we all have to go through independently - they won't go away if we don't allow each other to independently pass our tests!
But should we so therefore kick each other into the gutter? Hell no!

And so there are the 'two ways' things could go for me. There is the 'simple' premise ... like this and like that. Its taken as the same thing because the 'simplicity' thereby is not ultimately a matter of whats right on the paper. But right now - you could as well think of me as 'failing' ... 'horrible' - and that because of how strongly God re-enforces our clarity!
Or - is that ... ? Its a bit off to say it that way. Its not just clarity - and its more about - independence.
For instance: As I keep going on with my programming I realize that my mind isn't 'fit' for it. I mean - its like, I'm trying to build a structure, to give you what you deserve, so also regarding what I'm writing, or to be so accepted as a human individual - to then be proud of myself and acclaimed or respected or at least somehow rewarded for it - but these structures keep falling apart because I'm so deprived I can't quite make sense of what I'm doing! And that is real! And it is ... paradox! Its paradox because I think I do actually know what I am doing - its just like, whenever I'm looking at something 'closer' - its like I'm looking at it 'in' a pool of cum. By that I mean: I do make progress eventually, ... but it comes really slow and painful.
Further there is a turmoil in my heart about what I want to do. Most noticably 'for me' - there is first of all the 'desire' to build something. But from there it goes two ways. Basically. First of all there is only one way, which is that certain things have to be done either way - but once I so grab the motivation to make it 'work' per se - so, creating a Video Game that then can be sold - thats where those ... uhm, lets call them 'claws' appear, or 'spikes'. Thereby the 'project in mind' starts to take a shape that my heart rebukes - and this takes shape as dissonance (the claws) which eventually make me feel uncomfortable and ultimately sick/depressed. So I assume that it is my growing age which alters my mind to become more sexual and that then changes what 'works for me' regarding 'the passion of my doing'. And that in a sense adds conflict to what I want to do. Once I however can regard the perverted route as the real one - the situation is inherantly positive - while the 'urge' to accomplish something does become something more selfish, for which reason I can let it rest more easily. And once this is the way, we're truely speaking of a Sexual(ized) Revelation.

Though it might seem, up front, like that were a thing my 'owners' could chose about - thats wrong, because they would be subject to the same kind of forces - whereby these 'claws of depression' (not the good kind of depression) would in a social situation just make everyone utterly unhappy, unsatisfied, grumpy, bitter, ... where yea - eventually it is a 'big deal' to let go of doing something remotely 'useful' (or "use full") - but eventually going ahead as an example of 'living the life' 'is' useful! Even if it would seem like we turned our back on mankind to live happily ever after despite all the troubles in this world - I'm sure you wouldn't mind if there were 'one thing' at least to distract from the "all is work right now, for the better future" kind of attitude - to so, point out what we're working for.
On the other side - its going to be difficult to draw too thick outlines and separating walls here. I mean, ... people are people. And while some would prefer to exist within clearly outlined areas - some would tend to live between them. And whether the individual advance is one of Sexual sciences or something more practical - in the end it all will serve us well. We're ... 'many'. And yea, I think those folks that wanna talk to the ordinary 'worker' by pointing out how 'decadent' 'this' is - they are further away from the ordinary worker than I will ever be!

Its similar to the distribution of wealth. If we can't agree upon privileges for certain people - we can't function as a society! When it gets to research and development for instance, we want those people to have everything they need! If someone is a doctor, we want that person to get properly rewarded. Those folks are after all central to our society.


What this means is first of all that the people who are gonna be with me, personally, shouldn't think too much about what to do or what not to do - but about living their lives; And that goes unto everybody. Because ... what 'can' be done? Whatever 'can' be done is ultimately a matter of people doing stuff - so - someone has to be there to do the things to be done. There there are points where we are all more the same than individuals - while on the other hand those would be exceptions - and the only way to really get on the right track - to make things better for us - we need a proper concept of that track. Thereby there is a 'better' in terms of bold 'work' - like - people doing stuff we can then follow in doing stuff and things will be better. There is then yet another 'better' though - which is the 'Enlightened' way of 'better' where we know where we want to be and thus can plot the way to get there more effectively.


But now I'm running out of ink - ... so, ... I come to close this - and ... as a closing note: What ends up being 'best for me' is a matter of 'who' or 'what' I am ... and what might seem depriving to you is good for me - if it is good for my mood. Seems trivial - but I'm a pet - so, ... is that an argument?


Branded as whore - for all to see

CNS.2017.05.02|08:57