Corruption Uncensored?
Looking to the left we have another visualization of me identifying as whore. It is at this point clear to me that
the definition of what 'whore' meant to me would come down to a collection of 'whore' themed images like that.
Perhaps grown over time. Saying, it is 'time for another one' - and that it extends into ... . But - ultimately,
I should say, what matters is how it comes together inside.
Well - ... hmm. I think I can put a finger on the item that is 'weird'. The idea of 'sub-humans' - how ... real is it?
At any rate is it a thing that for me ... well, it creates something for me. It is an idea that once internalized and applied
onto me as intended/desired by me creates an atmosphere that I experience as 'optimal'. Its that "dream world" that I would
resort to - basically - if I had it my way; That is ... a dream.
This feeling invokes a given pressure onto my existence ... my emotional presence ... which then somehow equates into
pleasure.
It is then however also something that transforms what I consider joy and happiness (as of my life/freedom) into sadness;
And the way I see it: does this sadness equate into a volume of Lust (desires) that amounts to the pleasure I prolong.
Me doing this, or writing this, so the story told - isn't really my will. I would think this is indecent. Maybe I have no point
or purpose; But ... it feels good. So, is this bad?
I feel like I need it and should not be ashamed of it.
Trying to figure out how this all matters right now, I get to think about the flexibility of my standards. So I can for instance
easily forge a male version of 'what I want' - more or less; Except - thinking of it gives me some ache, an inner void that
sucks on my attention and as I think that this is to get my mind 'raped into the other direction' I feel my own succumbing mixed
with a joy. An image of self basically drops into a black hole while desintegrating into particles that are assimilated by my
"(inner/mental) skin" - while that which gets sucked in accumulates into a cognitive state of submissive depravity.
It is now 'that' part of me that we could point a finger on, where a) it is a thing (within me that gets to establish its own
reality) - and as pictured right here that "thing" is nourished through some force. In appendence to what refers to this, that
'could' be stresses that create corruption. "Add images of mutilation". If someone were to fake some images showing me horribly
... carricaturistically ... mutilated - I don't know ... it feels, strangely welcome.
I have a weird kink for that - grade of humiliation. We could speak of it as the spaghettification of my identity. Therein is a
horror that sortof - it itches me like a clitoris. And it strongly resonates with my desires to get raped. And sure - that in and
of itself is like an inner beast.
The counter question now is, how much 'real love' now could change in this. So, while I as of my own have no capacity of "getting
out" of this - this 'ache' might be countered in some way. So, the conditions wherein life happens matters; And at least internally
- so the story - I can flip into a male self, along with which my general demands change. Demands as in - the things that substitute
its reality. The idea is that once my body were female - there is that part which remains as "male" in at least some respect, at the
bottom of which I have a respective attachment to my beloved ones.
So - being 'sub-human' in this regard means to me; Well. It needs to be in each and everyones own responsibility to consider and
then acknowledge these things. We thereby want to have some standard to determine a degree of importance to one such thing. If something
is of 'legal standard', we want to say that it is 'secured'. To simplify it we want to allow ...
unclear.
The idea as of my proposal helps me however to secure certain things I ... it makes things easier. What I for now can only describe as
a communal interest is ... oh, yea. Well. Cult. In this sense, whatever sub-humanification is about depends on a variety of things.
Its as vague as common-wealth. And ... am I overfetishizing it? Anyhow - what sparked a bulb was the idea to rather think of the things
that would 'animate' something of a cultural awareness. So, rather than projecting anything onto my physical life, take the idea of me
and let it be what it is. This is something that would be cool with, ... getting 'registered' pseudo IDs - like, Jessica Rabbit as legitimate
profile image; With given reasoning/justification [clarity]. But anyhow - for the other part; Well.
I want to begin with something such as a schedule - to simply get to something more concrete. Hmm - ... how will I dig this?
By "framing" myself I come to mention certain ideas that I 'think' work for me. They then need to be analyzed by society; Where now intimate
matters remain intimate - I guess. But however. First of all everyone gets a home - that is "leisure time" in the minimalistic sense -
and so on and so forth.
What we are ultimately concerned about is the legality of suicide and various degrees of pedophilia. Next to other things. While here, halt
- I had a dream, in my childhood, that kept coming back to me. It was about some rollercoaster type of chaos of "roads" - some of them went
smooth, others were bumpy and somewhat uncomfortable. And since recently there has been this feeling that in some odd sense resonates with
that dream. The feelings are ... oddly specific but hard to put a finger on. I guess though, I can translate this one specific ... 'vibe' into
something like music. A drum, beating slowly, and each successive hit becoming harder and louder, while along with it some sense of something
utterly wrong vibrates, getting worse each time - while the drums keep getting faster. Then there is some sense of sweat.
This sweat to me has an inherant scent of wrongness. Its ... 'wrong' - just wrong. It feels inherantly rejective - as a metaphor
maybe regarding a defense mechanism that is to subvert the enjoyment of the oppressor. It feels, ... as on the edge of worse things, ...
death maybe.
Fear. ...
Now - care and caution aside, at some point we're speaking of something "like that" - in regards to legislature. The obvious stance should be
to be against it, no doubt about that; And as of that there isn't a real but; - ... except now the hypothesis of a counterstance that equates
into an exception - ... which isn't much at this point. As far as 'legal thoughts' are concerned however; The situation is there. So - we can
assemble fantasies, artworks, as culturally relevant and so at least satisfying a basic need "diamediaically". ^^.
If now a child can be safely associated to certain interests - like me for instance - well, we should want to know as much about it as we
can.
I want to be sub-human because it will give my owners handles to controlling the entirety of my life. An obvious counterstance to everything I
want, leading forward, is that of my accomplishments. My internal stands towards that is that I'm a slave first; And then allowed to be myself.
What constitutes as 'self' there is something independent; So - it isn't constructed of what I am in the slave segment. Uhm - ... ish?
I don't know. But leading into it there is first of all 'me' and I would get 100% of my time to spend. Now, would it be fair if I could do just
nothing and get diamonds for it? I don't want to do nothing. Framing me in that respect I would want to be a whore - basically 4-5 days a week
- with certain forms of bridging the gaps, generally thinking about orgies and whatnot. This would spell decadence in that whatever value you
would associate to me is reduced to "that". That were kindof the deal. So, 100% of my time taken - shoved into a cage and done.
I would then no longer be measured to normal standards, ... while my standards invoke submissiveness during childhood ... and stuff. As
sub-human, so the story goes on, I still have personal rights. And so the next kink of mine goes. What I expect from de-personalization is,
well, it ... sparks the light ... 'of my bones' sotospeak. So - there is the aspect of the seal of Satan whereby I am his slave - and it
is connected to other things; And it gains weight, effectively, in that frame of considerations.
To keep it simple we may at first speak of sume superior legislation; Err ... "lets just" ... take each sexually aversive child we can
accomodate and label them as 'cattle'. We put them into homes where they receive sexual training and are exposed for potential buyers.
These processes are however made out on a case by case basis; err ... standard.
Here lets just settle with three degrees of sub-humanification. 1st conditional: Cattle/Property. 2nd unconditional. 3rd depersonalized.
So any child captured as 'cattle' is by and large 1st degree of sub-human. As the child is able to develop an identity that is capable of
moving forward as free individual, that status is getting cleared. A dodgy issue now were 'the right to retain that individual in captivity'.
That however only works on 3rd degree subs. 1st and 2nd degree are valued as people.
However. With each 'step deeper' I so get more of "this feeling" that at the end of the day, the next morning, is again somehow distant to me;
And an implication of it being yet close ... freaks me out. But - when drawn in terms of time I get to do what, ... is, that I cannot emotionally
sustain a demand that puts my male/freedom first. I need one emphasizing depravity.
Here I guess the idea in as simple as it gets is to seek it out to some satisfying extent. But what is it?
Well, it comes down to my lifetime. When taking some space for some of my own projects, being my own self, I so basically acquire ressources from
the system I might be entitled to due to my education. So, I get a certain grant to just be myself - lets say. That is a place to
stay and be free. At your leisure. My gender development is something I would focus on; And given how things are now I'm pretty much occupied.
That's as much to 100% after "basic deductions + leisure/relief" as it gets. After leisure it yet ain't enough.
If I there can call that my home, I would want to be with my wife, or spouses, or one ... ^-... ... and ... - whats next?
Next is to say less of me writing; And more of ... what? My "general pride" is now to be 'something' that is at its privacy, at its most
intimate, in technical terms: subjected to someone else. Whatever that is, is to come with care that is more deeply in touch with me than
... you by just reading this. What ultimately is to remain of my male self - before establishing any 'free identity' - is ...
hard to put in words ... but it certainly fetishizes the implications of being like a doll. "Little Princess" were now someone who is fetishized
as living in a prison of rape with nothing but a room full of ... stuff; Which in some cases might just be a dungeon.
So - if life is a huge tree of possibilities in a vast sea of lifetimes - there are those fruits. Or trees; Of which there are various kinds.
Uhm, I should mention - maybe - that dungeons "can work when done right". If a person is just being locked up it serves no good.
Hmmm ... Project JoyToy ...
I got something: The 3 most sacred female aspects are: 1: The innocence of a child. 2: The dignity of motherhood. 3: The pride of autonomy.
The first sets precedent for childhood safeties, the second exalts the value of family as to her honor and the third are the jewels of the
freedom we proclaim. If we now go to negate the first - to derive some 'unholy standard' - what I get is a certain emotion that evokes an
earthshattering sadness upon the rest. This now also constitutes the negative, where now the fetishization of me is about living in this
negative. The rationality behind it is that 'childhood innocence' is relative to a "bubble". You so collect your own standards of safety into
a common sense - and parenting is complicated. So, eventually its a 'good idea' - but when it gets to human nature that idea translates into
more specific things. I suggest.
My mind - that is the thing - however grows 'up' to live in a dungeon. This isn't to say that its that and only that and that forever. And on
the least horrible end of the spectrum I get to exist like a male dog - so and so. That is then simply how it is. I do my stuff and we chill
around while I eventually become a woman - and whatever. And then maybe as a female domme that is in charge of everything.
So - scary waters! One thing that urged me to start to openly speak in defense of pedophilia was a vision somehow inspired by resident evil.
I was inherantly anti-pedophilia, yet with that attitude came the vision of a bunker with corpses rotting inside - something terrible that just
waited to explode some day, breaking through the cover, and be no good for anyone. I could then no longer sustain an opposed mindset as it
got sucked into that horrible mess ... as something like a black hole. It seems counter-intuitive, but being practical we can say that we here
provide opportunities.
Once a child exhibits a natural 'fetish' of some sorts, so the idea, we have a 'clear case' of something we need to look at. If this kid now
had parents - they of course matter as well. Whatever. We then want to know how far it goes. That is - simply looking for the childs comfort
in regards to what we know. Here we can see a line being crossed once the child "seems to exhibit tensions that go beyond [...]" -
where [...] is what we ... where we draw the line at. If petting for instance is where we started, creating an atmosphere of some kind,
and the child seemed to want more - we get to a simple conclusion relative to our own measurement. ... hmm.
So - I'm an icon, right? Well, the first thing I wanted to say in that regard is something along the lines of "give me all your money!" -
and then something about if I were you I wouldn't put up with such shit. The next thing is, ... -
But well - dungeons, depravity, ... I wonder.
What I proposed, in first place, is something to 'cultivate' ("take advantage of") sexually explicit kids. Some of them may be on their way
out, others go in. In the center we have fantasies - in the core of it all "the unholy codices" or something - and between individual, parents
and customer we come to find "equasions", I assume, that mirror what these codices are about. Its like science. It is ... science - with an
esoteric foundation ... or something. The principle is that it is science.
The Esoteric component goes forward to say what we are to expect, to contextualize ideas to have expressions of common sense value. In this
regard I draw my existence as from the ground up drawn into slavery. At what I consider to be Rune 2 I realize myself as pet underneath which
the enforcement to female is active. I realize myself as property of someone, and that through parts of me that are consequence to the depth
of my submission (mind control). Here so there in the sense used to be a void, nothing of interest, that got transformed in favour of higher
interests. So: Instances whereby someone else could inscribe an identity onto me. Weird?
It sounds strange, but - in the end it only comes down to an understanding of weights. What is heavier? What goes deeper/is more dense? As of
the care of my owner I am to become something that is then moved into a next stage; Basically at the roots of my captivity; Being exploited
as a Sex-Slave, bluntly put.
This isn't a question of ... acts. It is how my mind is aligned. Perhaps its about me being too used to getting fucked over by life that I
can't fathom a positive reward of any kind; ... through which I then developped some perverted form of joy therein - while somehow on the other
side having something of an OK life!
My standing argument to back that up is that my mind is aligned as though living in those conditions. The questions should so be, how, why,
what ??? ...
Now we could however go on and say, well - we haven't done anything with those rupees yet. While in the game we can come up with some bullshit
job for everyone, everyone has rupees, ... and if hoes are the only thing it can be spent on ... ouch. I mean ... its a funny picture of
'wealth'. You know - earning fake money to spend in on bitches. But rupees are where the workers interest is at. With rupees we can then go
and "buy" 'logistical agreements' - a.k.a.: committing to some projects. So, for the 'me' part of it we're so looking for a 'place' to gather
those kids that 'cross the line'. And for orders sake we have one special place and one common instance.
On other ends there are also issues of incest or less community based instances of such and such. What we need is sufficient certainty behind
the given claims.
On the 'plain' level the product would be people with a sub-human background. Sounds horrible, but technically its just words when the given
care is there. So - above depersonalization the individual has a personality and is given some space to evaluate that and such. Here now one
'wrench' of sadism is to control the spectrum an individual has to choose from. Sidenote. So we have to study what these sexual entities grow
up to live alike; Where I can speak, I assume, of "my tribe", and we basically synergize with life through the bonds that knit us into the
pleasures of being rape victims in hell. We romanticize with dying in an oven - or getting raped to death.
There so is a religious component ... and yea, what does it take?
My fetishes are to be a) daddies cumdump (open access) and b) captive milf (...err...) ... which is to follow the idea of following 'my mind'
about 'where' it feels "its most". So here a) also works for me as male; But aside of the humiliating consequences, at the core of it this
still is something ... more of a sensitive issue. I would say its a natural convergeance between two dominant streamlines.
Although - trap! It comes more naturally as I had to say that I'm supposed to be 'married into prostitution' - a.k.a. - I have a love
interest in my service. That is something where I'm supposed to be capable of emotionally attaching to in about anyone. This is the second
handle - there for me to be given away. So, when we cross the line we have to answer a few questions, firstly: What do we do?
At the long end we have a hub for childhood prostitution that would be sustained by rupees - basically - and members of the club are
... welcome! Carefully Selected? We would say the latter, as - rather than just wanting we want to establish some identity based privileges
that have to be accounted for. Or not? So, to say that this general access is permitted, warranted or required - such things.
Not only children. Then. There comes a whole lot more and then a bunch. We at the one side have a clear destinction in regards to cultural
identities - ways of life - while on the other end yet being a whole. So, child care is relative - but absolute.
Now is our hope that there will be pleasure and joy. Of course. And in some fancy universe, well, slave training might become a gift to
someone you love. At the core its about marriage - and culture.
Though we might put an 'intimacy' rule into place, my existence could be settled within; So - existing within isolated incidents of
intimate spheres. I so am 'their' intimate pleasure. ... ?
So - "to be honest" - on the serious end my 'kinks' should translate into my 'offerings', or otherwise 'demand' in regards to ... growing.
So, but how to validate what I'm saying? We first, I think, need a valid form/foundation - like is there 'legal sub-humanity' and 'legal
de-personalization' - and to the degree of those respective certainties we can then derive value for corresponding claims.
We may not dare ask the question!
Once however 'living as pet' with my owner, in a sense of commodities, I'm effectively as "clipped" into my collar which becomes the key
item going forward. This would then tie into whatever my life as a whore might be. What now remains - that is a little bit of something
for me. And to describe my ... attitude about it. It is as sitting in a small box, it is my birthday, dressed up as a little girl suffering
sexual abuse, presented with a shit-cake. OK, maybe that goes too far. In a Light themed version the cake would be delicious and the room
bright white.
Once the main issue is that of categorizing the habits of these kids, the first is their response to being treated as a sex-object. So,
everyone that passes the slut test can be considered a slut. However is this required to go forward on that basis. Otherwise we're dealing
with something else. The next instance were actual prostitution on a given schedule of services. One way were some 'free for all' based
on ... - the other a date based thing; Somehow trying to find a ... way of going.
By becoming a sub-human, the individual acknowledges its owners right to end its life at their own pleasure. We can regard this as a degree
of individual commitment; And it also emphasizes the corresponding mindset. This idea resonates with the pleasures of being such ... because
one thing leads to the other. So that is when entering voluntarily. On the other end there is the idea of owned mothers and the issues with
owning their children. -.- ... because ... life. Not that simple, not that complicated.
I admit, ... thats strange! But - I feel like I'm ... born to live in a glass box; In a showcase - as - window dressing - an open door for
people to come in and jive. This then as product for a variety of fantasies that invoke my type/body; ... where the next "main thing" is
the 'ideal situation' ... where, the individuals adapt to what they are up into and possibly change into something new. So, the 'true nature'
comes out at some point - and this is finally I think what matters. Nature here comes as "predetermined" supernaturally given thing that in
turn is what bonds us together.
One unholy pleasure is that to ... mix rape with female childhood innocence; And in the whole there are firstly those individuals that enjoy
that role. Maybe it is more common than we think. Anyone who now finds him/herself attracted to that - in one way or another - well, so the
proposal, should get a "card". So, when sanctified you get it and by having it you shall know others that have it. This so as part of a shadow
network/messanger whereby we need to specifically do a few things to make sure we are safe to access our messages. Everything else under a
neutral disguise, ... maybe.
This card now is to resemble an idol; And an idol is to generally resemble a 'force' of God that is for us to have a pragmatic worship~gain
relationship with God. In essence we proclaim gratitude 'for' something that we by our worship earn. "Don't worry" - this does as of my
experience not imply that you have to become a pietious idol worshipper; Its more of a concept that however bears certain relevance to how
our social awareness works. Uhm, ... knowing of it is as having it in a given place which in turn has effect on how our minds work. So,
worshiping someone or something at that level is simply put comparable to decorating a place.
That at least while the exact details are still vague.
This is a satanic idol and invokes ... child abuse; Specifically that of the innocent girl. On one end, so the issue, we kindof know that
there has to be something; While on the other end we don't know what. We can however try to figure out and eventually stumble upon a solution
that works for everybody - and at that point can we integrate 'esoteric concepts' into our 'corporal understanding' - ... like, how do
idols work?
Scary?
Try to think of it this way: Everything around you is darkness and uncertainty - right and wrong blurs within the appearances, shifting
back and forth, making it hard for us to figure out law and order. The only one thing that matters is Gods invitation to you; And if
you stick to His word you will find the way. How exactly? Maybe I couldn't tell - even if I wanted to.
Depravity - along the 'main things' that resonated with it, depravity can also be exchanged with pleasancy. This basically encapsulates
the 'pet' idea of myself - which can also be thought of as 'reward' to my submissiveness. So, the good life part of the whole story.
What that means? I don't know ...
I'm trying to understand ...
My obsession at some point can only mean one thing; ... and what it is depends on the truth of things. Either I needed help in one way,
... or another. I however am strictly convinced in depersonalization; And ... my life there basically exists between Madonna ("Isis") and
Catherine Zeta-Jones ("Mary"). Mary being at the bottom of my cognitive "spectrum" - and Isis at the high end of the physical. So at
Marys I'm 'raw' - from there turned into this and that - and at the end come out; Where one side is hypothetical and the other side a
physical equivalent. ... Correlation. So, an idea - and ... I'm confused.
I know however that my "points of awareness", moments where I 'wake up to myself' and exist in some God given clarity to my highest
consciousness, ... "I am a pervy slut!" [melodic, dance].
Am I "bodily" there yet? I don't think so!
And there may be a lot more than just rape - ... that matters - ... mattered first ... right?
If the answer to this were no, if the answer were that nothing else mattered first, [which it is] - well - I can at this point not
circumvent the obligation to be biased towards this look at it. Over time this or that other thing might manifest; But all that aside
does this also imply, well, some demand - in the likes of focussing on clarity. So, I in one way of saying it have to be made presentable;
Being me - and however that turns out is one thing. The fundamental 'pressure' is there anyway; And while we have to exist to such an
extent of abstraction ... well; We still were to do what we can ... ... right?
...
Dungeons for me make sense as for - in the idea - times that pass with no other meaning anyhow. So, if the time between A and B isn't
worth being bothered about doing anything its ... lost ... and to me that may turn into phases of in a sense pointless contemplation.
Is that a deal? No! But - the point is that in my understanding there is some 'space' like that where living in a dungeon or being
however in captivity doesn't equate into being inherantly restrictive.
But yea - whatever. What really makes me itch is a situation whereby depravity equaled reward. I want to be, when looked at from the
outside, as an unholy gem - and, then ... where's the limit? Levels? Someone who wants to be depersonalized simply is as sub-humanized
but more into it; And such a person is into, well ... some sort of ... petrification. We want to get locked into suffering that we in
turn attract around us; Although it could also be called sexual attraction. Sexual attraction that is here however based on certain
criteria. Someone who now commits to the 3rd degree 'expects' some form of ritualistic submission. The entity 'expects' its ties into
the body of sex-slaves. Its own despair about being unable to redeem itself is part of its pleasure of rape.
Or ... more to the point ... it expects a position of depersonalization ... so its wellbeing can resonate with that. The submitting
entity itself would thereby feel a fire igniting certain ties that tease out the inner whore; And that is finally what people get
from ... "catering to those wishes" - I suppose. It so needs that level of invoked submission to feel the burning - on the other end
of which there needs to be the wish of taking "her" that way. So - there has to be some agreement.
...//2017.11.02|21:45//Next day, 1400
I mostly slept. Got up around 3 am, slept on until 12 - and the last two hours ... the last thing I did was to go out and buy some
food. I guess I spent 1 hour getting up.
Its already friday ...
now, what did I do yesterday again? What I'm trying to say ... or was trying to ... is I guess better told from a different perspective.
Well.
During my time as prostitute I had a good feeling as to why it didn't work out the way I would like it to. I guess thats why I've also
mostly been over that time already and barely think back at it. Saying: I don't really have any regrets, or - ... bad conscience or
worries or whatever. It only strikes me that when I come to think back its almost as if I'm supposed to have worries and/or such.
I know for instance that the few times I was laying there ... 'ready' sotospeak, just waiting ... in the right mood; Just how it should
be - there was nobody coming. For various reasons. Maybe we already had closed. Maybe not but still - based on experienced customer
frequency, high times, low times - it would have been unlikely. And that basically just being a 'picture' to me about the missing synergy;
Even just at that end. That doesn't say that ... quite in the contrary. Most of the time was awesome.
It then gets to sound silly when it comes to ... me and 'care' that I think I need. Its almost as if I'm telling that I'm incapable of
taking basic care of my own self and need someone else to do it for me. Right now I basically find myself in a similar situation. My
working environment is a mess, I barely do anything in the household (like pretty much anybody), some people have a tendency of leaving a
mess behind - and I'm behind everything; If I were to make those things up to me or not. And so - that being one of the things I look
back at and feel slightly bad about - I now have a chance to make it right and ... I ... err ... now have some time to write and think
about it. And I feel just right the way things are. Probably am going to spend some hours writing, then play some game and/or watch some
stuff and then go to bed; Instead of cleaning up anything.
As of that, one thing that might be happening is that trying to subject me won't work out all the way; Some bubble is going to pop up and
I'll just try and be me. Thats one of the things I hinted at by otherwise saying: If God won't let it, it won't be. Say - the whole 'good'
of it all depends on the Light sustaining this balance of relationships and what not - and where it stops, it stops.
For me it usually stops at the point where I would try to do nothing but sleeping and masturbating all day long. I mean - that is where
this ... 'raped mind' of mine takes me. But as on my own there is no external influence - as of which I then go on into my own things. The
end of the day is then usually when I feel knocked over - so, being dragged back into that mindstate where I can barely do anything but
try to get some rest.
Now - however the story continued - it is clear to say that it is so far a context to my 'spine' - a "meta concept" to clarity. Its like
the first big thing that popped up. The issue is that clarity first created space for me to (the spine might have been there earlier ...
not sure) relate to my own submissiveness. And I think this is a great picture on 'basic psychology'. In the ... advanced sense. I mean,
I can only suppose that we are barely that simple - and that once the light comes in, it has the power to generate systems of such
simplicity and impose them onto us. Where we now diverge we yet exist in synergy with the higher order, where now the divergences are
minor fluctuations compared to the factual thing.
This has certain resemblances to IT (Information Technology). So, first we start with a plane - it has some identity, properties, ...;
It describes the whole and is in that not yet diversified. So my submissiveness. It starts as plane that describes my entirety although I
already realize that here and there I "would" diverge. So - the entirety of my inner self is submitted to this simple definition of myself;
And first of all does this 'nourish' those parts of me that like it this way. This is to say, basically, that this plane is "their" reality.
We can so think of systems of orbs; And one system so corresponds to the outside world, another system corresponds to theosophy - but this
one has the extended "feature of self-definition". It is the reality of self. It so gives meaning to those kinks of mine - and I would
generally strive to be in a correspondingly submissive position.
Being now however unable to physically get myself into a position like that; Life went on otherwise, and this feeling of self yet continued
to grow dense, creating an understanding of monotony and stresses; And once I just stood up for myself in some certain way, perhaps once
having been pushed to it inside - somehow - however, there were these 'Lights' sustaining that attitutde. That is what I then referred to
as spine; And as of that I'm 'royalty'. This means that I will/would act as though I owned the world ... only basic fucks given.
If going by God here, I just 'am' Royalty and you are supposed to respect that. God gives me that behaviour, ... puts me into a position
like that, ... and I'm not a bad person. The point is just a) let me do my thing and b) let me do nothing if I want to; Which is basically
just one minus the ... pressures. I need to know better when doing something is appropriate.
With the spine, the wealth of what I am grew. Some of the divergences, the strongest one I guess, received their own 'identity' - so that
there now is something plus that plane that generates my character. And going by that, the very next things are a whole lot of ... nasty
stuff. For quite some time. As ... at the core of things the spine is not there to defy clarity. But neither is clarity there to defy the
individuals complexity.
The main issue with the spine in this context is that it complements myself where I in submission otherwise would ... not. It gives me an
ego by which I go; Taking my own shit seriously and taking my freedoms "of the last word" sotosay. And maybe its time to pay a little bit
more attention to it.
On the other hand then the 'main' subject of interest is the customer. The "client". As of which I'd say there are 3 general types of
... consuming. There is the 'spontaneous visit', there are 'parties' and 'the desire for intimacy and comfort' (~home service~).
All in all there are 'demands' - practically - whereby the customers convenience is as little involvement into how everything works as
possible; So its about the service to adjust. More to the point: This demand is what keeps it going. Or is something that I at some end
get to see as 'force' that "makes certain things real". What then matters is that there are enough on both sides to keep this 'interest'
going - and 'then' there is 'meaning' to "being a whore". Or ... something ... . What then matters is "truth and honesty" about ...
"what goes". Is it rape? Is it love? Is it ... ? What matters I guess is that the basic attitude of the consumer 'resonates' with the
basic attitude of the prostitute. Once there so is an emotional connection, the attitude shapes desires; And whatever the actions were
to be, they 'have' to resonate with the whore as that in turn resonates with the client. An attitude would be as previously mentioned:
Treating 'her' as a sex object; Where if she's fine with it this attitude is perceived and aligned with, generating a positive response
the customer can then jive with. But is that equal to being a Slut? Now ... I think not.
These synergies are what I however put my bets on, basically. So it is of some priority value that I rather get with my intimate
partners first - to get some of the basic stuff done. And this isn't just about me then either. It would - for me at least - center
around me; But each of the people involved is of its own ... more than just what I get. Maybe, well, two can consume each other as
much as that they are like one person - but those things aren't really the issue here. We just got to keep on mind that real life
is a factor of its own. So does a static web of relationships most likely need to be flexible yet.
[My Mother] now, I end up being confused about her. Once I write about her/it however - it comes to make sense again; And the reason
why it 'then doesn't' is because of the two different ways I relate to her. In the written sense I come to look at it from afar and
mind how it matters within the balance of my whole; And there it gets settled real quick that I'm married into prostitution for instance.
What I then am thereof is something she takes a cut from; And in general that works out just fine. One part of my mind is hooked to an
anchor while my fantasy takes me into the one or the other "pit". My own interest in her however eventually desires a different reality.
There so is an interest I have in her that isn't established within this balance, ... and so it stands for me that this is what things
are coming down to. Within the balance there are a few things ... that make it work. What desturbs me thereby is that she has no interest
in my male self and that that annihilates whatever those wishes may be about. And I cannot imagine what she would want of me.
The answer is rape. Instead of having my cozy 'boy place' - I'm female and the reason why I'm barely relating to her at all is because
I'm handed around most of the time - and her love for me is to love me in that position.
So - legitimately ... I also think my marriage to her is clear in that I am to be a female sex-slave. The only 'wife' I would know of that
I have is also about turning me around. There then is however no need to stress these things into reality.
If my queen bubble popped into existence; That would be something with I guess more rather than less specific demands on them. Its like
a different person to deal with; But it makes sense because of the emotional ... alignments. Yea - that. I had a good look at it previously.
Think of a spiritual skin and that it is one of many and contains a certain mindset that can be associated to a feeling. [Monica] can now
look at me through one of these; As for instance being shocked about me having raped her. So, negative response, dislike, the whole thing.
A very similar reaction could be from me having betrayed her by making out with someone else. Different action, same feeling. This can now
be inverted and turned into hate. So - her disappointment turned into zeal; Or some urge for vengeance. Eventually its important that the
flow is maintained. So, there has to be love so there can be disappointment so there can be zeal; But ... I don't want to take it that far
yet.
The idea 'therein' could be that she is 'bound' to me as my Sex-Slave, so - being not only raped but also owned by me. This creates that
association to rape that can also be comprehended as associated to adultery; And what this does is that it creates a different field of
associates. While me raping her is just between us, adultery makes it so that someone else comes into the mix.
It is thus likely that in real life we would rather come to spontaneously flip between various ways that work for the people in the mix;
Or 'some' - like, dependent on the mood.
I think what I'm really interested about is 'the proper evolution of habits'.
What should happen? How could it happen? What if its wrong? How ... anything?
I never could help but think too far ahead; So - maybe thats how its got to be. To "pretend" as much as I/we can that there is already
something in place that is all solid and legit. "Luckily" you will have to start at the beginning and so I can make shit up along the
way.
Kindof. So, how do we work things out?
Class ... I don't know what that is. The main issue however is going to be: "What matters where". So - by the time you have your clarity
you will move on; And then things get to matter that wouldn't matter elsewhere. On the front there is then still the batch of things
that matter at large.
We don't have cultures, we don't have kingdoms, we don't have ornaments; Or anything yet. We need to hand these things out. By doing so
we have a recognition of their existence. That is where we should start. So we 'pretend' these things exist. But nobody gets to be anything
without a proper story. Aside of Clarity and Spine. Those are two simple words - and everything else, all possibly associated detail -
well ... somewhat more complicated.
As for what comes in, there are Kingdoms; And before they can get recognized they have to become. Weird dilemma. What qualifies? What
doesn't? How to start one?
I sortof don't have the creative energy; Except - ... the thing goes deeper. I need to go deeper.
This ... should however so far be my paper. There aren't any kingdoms, badges and such - so I make it up, thinking about what there should
be. Class is now what I think the society I'm a part of should/would have to make of me; And ... nothing wrong with it.
If we now insisted on the Queen Bubble thing, ... well. It kindof doesn't fit in, in a way - I "wonder": Wouldn't it be funny and it 'popped'
and I did no longer have anything to do? ...
So - what is what? When I think about the culture badge, the thing is - as of my assocative compound (satanism) I therein unfold in regards
to my origin story and other things; Where now something within the satanic compound is to give me 'soil'; Basically - and thereby I would
end up associating to a Kingdom, a culture therein and something of an individualistic banner, ... a family symbol of sorts. Maybe.
Once I so get into a family and we have none we can make one up. Culture is however more complicated. Culture implies societal relevance;
Or ... some 'power' that then is being used to make the culture happen, basically. Culture hereby embodies everything - and so, ... what
we want for that in the big picture goes beyond just the own kingdom. So we have diamonds and rupees. Diamonds are everyones concern, rupees
are luxury. Credits - we just have.
Culture in this sense is 'where we throw our diamonds and rupees together in hopes of getting something done'. In the beginning maybe just
an empty office with some virtual currency associated to it. We then would use our economic capacity to get some basic stuff going until we
make luxury part of our agenda. Venus - to my ambition - is dedicated to exploiting female nature for prostitution. Or, forcing it.
Here one side is about managing everything, another side is the lifestock, another side is stuff going on behind the scene and the last one
is the customer. Here the badge is basically ... where in society I finally exist. Or as what. And yea ... that is now the issue, or question.
Wondering: How do things come to a sophisticated end-point?
Starting with point A: There is a place where kids like me are "treated like cattle"; And we basically 'keep' those that we can exploit
sexually. They get grown into establishing a sexual identity that they serve through - and here we're in the background. What I feel is
relevant for me, however the cases, is that my online profile could/should be a fetish board so that there is some input to a column whereby
individual items pop up that express situations for me to endure.
My family, in this sense, comes in as buyers - whereby now for that I'm specifically ... well ... for rape.
How is that?
Well, before I can be anything in that - I need to be acknowledged. So, I'm not going to be any type of slave until someone in charge of these
things acknowledges it. If the issue is with me; I may have to rethink what I am.
Next we have an office where stuff is managed; So we'll need someone who is tasked with managing our stock and the demand for it. Big
question: What about downtimes? Or, how ... anything?
//19:36 -> 22:18 ||another way:
It always gets me, ... that when I return to a writing like this, the last thing I wrote is kindof ... weird. Then I'll write about it as
reserved as I can and it gets that weird anyway.
So - what have I "devised" this time?
Positivity! Safe to say, going by my clarity the basic image drawn is rather negative. Negative fits the whole thing, in that whatever there
is, just 'make it' negative and you have a good idea. This is the way to go about it/my clarity; But now, in accordance to where I want to
go with this I have an example. Coca Cola. I like it, every now and then I kindof need/crave it, but other times the sugar is just ... the
only thing that sticks out to my taste and its horrible. Usually that gets to me when I drink Fanta. So, something seems to be in coke that
counters the effect or something is in Fanta that strengthens it.
And anyhow - the tables are already set to draw the "Spine Conclusion" - a.k.a. - however I go about clarity, it would seem that I go by
the 'plane' (plain) idea and ignore what the Spine is there for. So, in first place the plane has its effect on everything. My spine at
that is just an 'exalted example' for how the corresponding divergence aligns to the plane. Because of how it is setup, it also inherantly
strives "against" it; So by being something of its own it strives to be.
The problem at this point however would seem to be that there is no 'place' or space. But - that is bollocks. We have one thing called
'Sex Slave' - in something of a somehow working idea - and wherever I had to mention something about exclusing some individuals from the
chunk of people we're looking at in that regard; There is a bigger idea in play: Proper conduct. There is then probably no way around
starting silly. We should maybe be explicitly silly so that once we have a more evolved idea, we can take those less silly ideas on top
of the old ones; Eventually replacing them ... .
Proper conduct however - that is about ... knowing what we're looking at. In this sense. If we now create sex-slaves; We don't have an
idea of how far that goes. Here the easiest end-goal were to just create occasions for customers to meet slaves - and to see what kind of
regularities emerge. That already is a stretch; Where I'm mostly minded of things that come with an individual. We might say they are
sub-human; But it should be obvious that this is only a technicality until its settled or redeemed. And as for 3rd degree submission;
Lets just say that for now it are hypothetical tweaks to that identity/individuality.
There further are two ideas of how my life could/would/should be going. A) I move to my beloved. Here the general issue were to understand
my life therein; As, which 'real life' "hook ups" come with me or how they play in; ... stuff that resonates with B) I move into a brothel.
On both ends we have some ... "place" (time) we can reserve for individual stuff. School, hobby, whatever.
School gets 2 bronze coins, each worth 30 saphires.
Hobby should be a way of earning rupees.
Err ...
Positive. Positive is maybe all about 'not working'. However. I feel something - that makes sense for me.//22:47
The good stuff? Well, the basic idea is that "my face" ... err ... "warps" ... to some extent; As within a bubble - and the idea there
"was" that the less 'information' it 'can' contain the more 'primitive' the picture gets. I would think of a "slider" that allowed us
to look at the complexity of an individual from simplest to most complex. I may not have had the right handles or ideas to build on
this and move on from there; But I can trace certain ambitions I've had that would be things I'd have thought of when asking a few ...
specific questions. Kindof. So, how to tease those informations out of me?
Uh, this is where I'm at right now: I look at myself and find that what I am 'supposed to do' - as advising my own self - is to
'help procrastinate'. First of all. That is to say that everything about clarity gets ignored except the thing itself; At best we can
then move on in the "Clarity Profile ID" (Dense ID, "Clarification", "Clarity Context", ... "Deep State"). Everything about my clarity
is "moved to another paper" and as of that a separate concern.
What this Bubble is now about is ... to add 'depth' to it. So, we add another layer on top of it; And with that we're also entering the
realm of fashion. So, a question is: What pictures to go with? Where do we find an end if we can't decide? Its kindof important because
how we answer these quesitons also reveals how much we know about those items. There so are a variety of images I stumbled upon that
teased me to take it as 'spine' - but none of them because it actually met the requirements. So, some blonde female. And that is what
matters there. What ... sense of myself I get in regards to its ... "motions". Thats all we want. A rough idea of whom we're dealing
with when it gets to the things associated to the terms round about it.
Now we know that there is a bubble that needs to have layers; And in the spirit of procrastination, the first layer is all about clarity.
And the next one is fashion? Fashion is to imply that we're more free to pick and change; And is to be more specifially 'destinct' from
whatever fashion-esque "main thing/idea" we could derive/deduce from clarity.
I would say that there are to be 3 layers. And my idea is that I have an idea of what my 'top layer' is all about; And that one included
that my 'collar' is 'valid' in there.
The collar - next - is something of a Clarity issue and Clarity issues are complicated in that they 'can' blurr the lines between
"public value" and "private value". So, me being a whore is simply put 'public value' - but there also is a private side to it whereby
I'm 'intimately' tied into prostitution. Whatever. Here we're then dealing with concepts that 'need to be free of any restrictions we
can/may draw'. So, Clarity "binds us" into a flat reality. As the spine comes in we are there only dealing with the 'flat projection'
of the spines "loadout" onto the clarity plane. And whatever the spine is about extends from there. (The divergeance emerged through
an introduction of clarity). Somewhere in my clarity regards there is so - my "bottom layer" - I would say; Which is what remains as
first valid concept after removing everything that can possibly be removed. To me those are shackles and a collar. These come with
implications. So, as a wedding ring does ... or would; Just - that it isn't "just" a wedding ring.
The wedding 'ring', "by the way", the 'thing' that I feel 'seals the deal' is ... around my vagina, defining my vagina, "giving me
one" (kindof) - that 'binds' my identity to the female gender. But that is, beyond that, confusingly attached to whatever the "shackles"
are about. I guess those are the 'basics' of having multiple relationships; Whereby each relationships has a 'fundamental' amount of
freedom to define itself. The 'order' hereby comes through God who picks them - plus giving us an idea of where this relationship is
going. It ... sounds shady; But I think it always comes as welcome.
Here, I think, its safe to say that we "generally" don't have a clue about what we're confronted with. I have no clue what I'm
confronting you with. Where, you ... have to somehow make sense of this where I can't.
But so - here we are.
And I get to something that makes me happy; Provided I don't shy away from being open and honest about it.
One of my struggles, in this idea (and we'll see if it holds up), is that I - by all the things about me - 'missed something' pivotal;
And by missing it - I got whatever "high" I would have from that in another way. Thereby establishing an identity that existed
independent of "myself" as provided. So, I wouldn't say this because - well - I'm ashamed of it. I am somewhat free of that shame
when it gets to clarity and the spine because those are inherantly abstract. The bottom line is - one of my 'fetishes' is/was to be
... well ... regarded a Mother. Being factually male is a strong ... influence ... against that. But because of how things are I
sortof managed to wiggle that into things. And it needs to be. I mean - it has its worth ... there.
The 'top layer' now is ... to me ... a space where I could first of all go crazy about positive stuff. What I feel then is that all
the things I could come up with get "attached" to my collar; Which says that whatever I am there is "to be assimilated" by whatever
the interests around my collar are.
This is at this point ... kindof just projection; And procrastination is to keep those things out of the mix until there is an
understanding for how they matter. And yet - I strongly suppose that there is 'one' pattern, a "language" of sorts, in which
God commuicates the important standards to us; So we can derive the more complex stuff. In this term, what I come up with is mostly
just ... well, guessing. Like ... how Edison invented the Light Bulb. And eventually things will just ... slide together.
The 'base problem' were that I first am something, then I enter a relationship and stuff is done to me, so that I then am something
different. In another way there is 'just' stuff done to me; And whatever I have been is as fantasy as what I'm "going to be". In
other terms is there now something I have control about that then is simply "put to work" ... whatever I'm in with.
So - here on the right is what I got leading up to it. That is: Following "the hunch" that the Seals/Runes might/should have something
to do with it I first focussed on my runes, then noticed - OK - adding the seals as sub-point to Rune 1 is a thing, but they ... kindof
are their own thing (I can't ... find something of similar value within the other "Rune Points") - so, I separated them. Here now the
'Mother image' is even ... logical.
And it fits my 'criteria'. I was about to "say" that the Mother image shouldn't be on top after all; That however, by thinking that
any layer on 'top' adds something; And at the end its got to be ... something other than Mother; Though the idea is there that it is on
top. For ... intents and purposes. So - the 'public' thing could say, well, this is the "background" to another thing where the
"Public Identity" is moved into the foreground.
You can also see a trace of uncertainty about Seal 3.3 - and that is basically that of the whole just a few things are really aware
to me - and some of these points ... well, they are a bit more than just ... to fill empty space; But kindof ... just that. The idea is
that we 'have' empty space; We so 'create' it by having a label - and this logic would seem to continue ... so, these sub-points are
labels again that are empty space. Yet the labels at the end are to say something; And in essence the idea is to 'fill the void' regarding
the 'issued term'.
Then there are these parallels. For lack of better understanding ... 3.3 was "Dungeon something" - but then finding an appropriate label
on the right made me question what I have on the left. And this should open the question for what is right. Thereto - we need to know more
about how anything gets to be on that page.
The Seals are 'revelatory'. To me at least. It may be - I realize - that you can get 'blank Seals' (and runes) - I just don't feel having
... well ... a lot of it. I should keep on mind that I have some of that (empty spots).
Before we move on: We here, so I get it, want to make sure that what I'm saying is being understood; Or that the way you (would, are to)
understand this lines up with what I'm saying. And with a little bit of back and forth we should get to something like this. At "Seals"
you just "run down". Changes to the past are that Seal 1 is now 'called' Wedding ring instead of "Enslavement" or "Forced Female" - and
Seal 3 is now Prostitution instead of anything associative to "Harem Bride". The reasoning is, that these things are properties of
something; Like Mind-Control is something that is further specified through properties.
How the seals line up with what else I got is at first irrelevant because ... they just 'are'. That is basically ... clarity.
What then belonged to that are names. Britney and Madonna go into Seal 1, Monica to Seal 2 and Gillian to Seal 3. I however don't really
understand ... how. Hereby a line would go from Seal 2 to Rune 1 - but that is again ... missing the point that my wedding ring to
Monica is already there in Seal 1. Runes so go separate, and the Seals contribute to it. The Seals are a 'given' - those are things we
'can' "certify" - in the sense that we (the assistant) don't know more than the subject. God gives them; And the person only has the
intimate edge over understanding what they are there for.
So - they ... make for depth. Seals 1-3 could however, maybe, also go into another Rune. The order ... in the end however ... doesn't
seem to have any bearing though. It would seem that the same name could pop up in all three columns. I for instance think that my
Mother Identity is in the end, ... well, Monicas ... "true love" - as to also answer what her interest in my female self might be.
As for Rune 1 - this is simply how I 'understand' my marital bonds. The bond itself is 'Enslavement' - and two explicit features of it
are Feminization and Prostitution/Exploitation. It goes to say: A) I'm going to be a slave following some external sheet of definitions;
B) Feminized to her desire (=sadistic) and C) "regard myself as only there to function as sex-slave". So, the words have passive
meaning to the intent; And expressing the intent is the big part of the challenge.
Rune 2 and 3 'pop up' as supplements to Rune 1 - and the bulletpoints are ... all in all just guesses still.
In essence should each bulletpoint have a backup. So, they are labels that are empty spaces. Those that are easy to figure out then set
precedent for what the individual is looking for; While some first draft should serve as rough foundation thereto.
And next ...
Well, to be honest - there is some space that requires me to "speak out"; Saying, in my current position I'm ... 'shy' ... regarding
those things. And then I'm not sure if it matters. And then I don't really know what to do.
Procrastinating doesn't seem to help.
So, we need rules.
The one side is interpretation. So, Seals draw outlines; They make up a person and the person is - ... what? So, following the original
idea there is clarity at the bottom, ... and now something ... positive.
About the positivity then ... what is it? It ... "has to be legitimate". That is: If we ourselves can say with certainty that there is
something that fits that profile, we have to come out with it. This is easy. I'm ... a Pet. So, between bright and dark; This is a
difference between frolicking and being ... abused. I hesitate because ... words.
The Pet thing is what I 'realize' or 'experience' as ... 'the top of my lifetime'. Its, almost as if its written there: "Top of my
life: Pet existence". And this is really ... mostly ... difficult to ... portray. That I am a pet is supposed to be passive. So, without
any of that stuff - I'm not even a pet, technically. So, just me ... doing my thing.
So, in other words; Here ... or should I say "here" ... I just feel well, ... which gets me into a relaxed ... state of mind where I
... am basically just hopeful. In general I think of some summer weekend and having some coffee and cake in the garden. In the idea a
"typical good life" sort of thing. People would/might come in and out of the scene - and there are no special implications other than
their implications in being there; And that goes beyond this picture. So, that is one ... say ... 'good' guideline to procrastination.
What goes beyond, is beyond.
And that would seem to be all the details that have a place in determining what 'Pet' means.
If we then however procrastinate too much; ... what have we?
So, instead of trying to nail it first try; The 'feeling' I 'have' is that, what should be there in the end is a sense of my Mother
Identity being there 'on top' of it all. Simple. The 'image' however would/should have some "flashing underwear" - which is to add that
"truth underneath" to the basic flair. That I think I have accomplished in some other way; Kindof. Once I'm doing my thing I'm the one
thing; And the truth underneath - is ... there as well. The pivotal closure on the intro to this: If I did anything good that makes you
want to relate to a part of me that isn't depressing; Its this - and all its "depressing detail" is to be procrastinated away so that
"warping" it into positivity becomes a thing. Except, ... for what is explicitly demanded. So - for that we now have the "certain place";
I know what I have, taking it - and this somehow has to be ... implemented. In the idea so I take a fantasy profile - "fashion" it up
a little to fit my individuality; Give me a fantasy name because ... fun; And now I'm a Mother that is a Pet - in the sense.
Looking at it - I first come to "want" to 'fetishize' that place to be more how I want it; Which is: The premise (Mother ID) gives me
a base image that I myself then know things about that I may happen to fancy somewhere on that page. So I take what I just previously
came to add to that; And it fits all into it. Being a pet, the collar and being "daddies cumdump". That is then part of a new story that
blends into the old one - and pops up in this as little description answering the specifics of what the presence of "it" is about.
Here is a problem though. I ... would find it difficult to come up with a proper description up until late. Here the general advise
seems to be: a) Ignore all the things basically sophisticated already (pick that which requires extra consolidation in the frame); Focus
on the joys the profile Identity itself holds - and fit it all into a "single expression".
This expression finally should state what the 'profile ID' is all about/contains in and of itself - and then stands there as 'pivotal
introduction' to the individuals "norm". This "should" also go "too far" - in a sense that ... if we want to be entirely positive we
have to ignore certain bits; Eventually. Or, just pretend. What you get from me is that I'm a 'pet' - explicitly tagged as 'animal' (While
'Pet' can simply be of "emotional belonging", it there is to specifically label an 'animalized individual' - and if you want to do any
good to me, well, my emotional "capacity" of receiving rewards is pretty much ... that of a pet. I mean ... to be really open: This is
just a throw in, "maybe" it doesn't belong here; But the thing is that I have a hard time dealing with ... positivity. When ... acclaimed
I ... "faint" ... saying, I can't take it, somehow. What I 'can' take ... and that is where the concept relativizes ... are rewards that
have an immediate value; Well - anything that 'allows me to experience it like a pet' - because, that is the part that ultimately comes
forward. So, it doesn't matter ... err, 'what' doesn't matter as only that part of me is allowed to actually enjoy it. Acclaim doesn't
give me anything. The animal in me ... doesn't get it.
... hmm ... is it a problem? That I ... have an 'absolute desire' in this. This is to say, I want it as badly as it gets; Where my situation
is that I cannot have it whatsoever. Which is to say that it is a very powerful fantasy. I suppose that people here and there will get
to similar situations; Others however will find things being kindof jumbled up.
But, what I regard as 'good' here is that it "works". This profile is a 'great' ... "window" through which I can describe myself.
Now ... I am special; Yet that shouldn't have too much of an influence on my life 'while' this specialness isn't important on its own.
So, one way is to say: I 'have to suffer' - another that I 'mustn't' - simply put - and I have to take rest, I need to acknowledge that
I'm somehow excluded from normality. But so far no "good solution" gave me a place where I could ... 'feel alright'. I'll ... mention it if
I get there. Otherwise I always had to "but" it; And those "buts" would seem like lazy additions. And that is kindof right.
What are "lazy additions"? In I.T. that would be things/systems that are implemented again and again while only one time done right would
be enough. And therefore we procrastinate. So I have a space where the 'basics' are being settled - and beyond that I shouldn't have to
mention those things again. If now my profile ID leaves any questions; You would look at my runes. And how can I ... say that nothing is
missing? I mean ... going back to the beginning there was this "pre clarity" concept of - ... where I "went with" 'Scriptures' and 'I.T.'
as two of the things that 'make me'. (Are there any "Goons"? ... people that know?)
Well - however; Are those things ... still a thing? And I wonder. Regarding my Porn Collection; I'm troubled. I'm troubled because some
chunk of my image collection would seem to have gotten lost; And that is mostly ... "not just porn". It are things I ... associate my
youth with. So, coming from my youth I first satisfied those needs - and the porn I'm looking at mostly at the time are images that more
specifically ... 'work with me'. And I don't really feel any loss. The loss is there, the replacement is there, the different feeling
is there - and I'm fine!
Moving on; I am at this point ... "tempted" to just ... add something that goes more specifically against that; But ... I shouldn't do
that - and - I shouldn't have to. First I shouldn't because its 'bad' - and secondly I shouldn't have to because 'life'.
And next ...
What do I do with this?
My suspicion is that I'm wrong somehow, somewhere. Or - the 'fashion' aspect simply necessitates a broader ... range ... of ...
characterization. But yea - whats the matter? On some side I have some urge/need to express myself, ... "that way". Maybe its just some
random stuff that highlights one more general thing - and maybe even just fragmentarily. But then; "the one right image" ... maybe
doesn't exist. And what would it be worth?
Choosing a look doesn't make me look that way 'now' - and if I ever got to look like that; 'Then' its a thing. OK OK - if we want to have
nice things ... we have to think more like Children!
Oh, nice ... "catch". What is my inner child ... "like" ... or 'about'? I would at this point go and say that the Public ID is also ...
right where that goes/comes from. Its a bit odd at first; That because when thinking of kids; Well - a sophisticated "degree" in perversion
isn't normal. The basic idea is to be playful - but, I'm still a slut/pervert. Anyway.
So - if I went on to explain in more detail what goes into my profile ID - the picture should diverge too far from the images. And for
that, "read the description". I so - as a mother - in that sense - am not necessarily old and more dominantly; ... a person existing in a
vacuum of sexual exploitation. And the reality of that is ... important?
Well - long story, short end: The rate at which I "degenerate" without any of that stuff 'done' to me shouldn't be that different from
once stuff is done to me. That is I think an important lesson to learn if we want to know more about the negative aspects of captivity and
rape. There the situation were that a person is oppressed against its needs, pleasures and such; That there so is a divergeance between
'real life' and 'true self'. That then is like being bent against the own self, eventually, which is stress that the own mind isn't equipped
to normally handle. Our mind just takes everything that is for granted and "pretends" that nothing bad could ever happen.
Sotosay.
Now - with me and my descent into depravity; That is in this regard all already taken care of. As far as I'm concerned. What I'm doing now
should in some regard be part of my presence as individual - and any 'effect' of any 'depravity' that would subtract from that had, to follow
my minds evolution. So the idea.
Now, for my profile ID; An important part to it is that it extends from my private attachments. So, my primary wedding is [this and that] -
and therein I somehow become that. This vague description should suffice to line out what I think defines that relationship. So, once I'm
with her she's into stuff whereby I end up - as a Pet. And a question I'm having is: How real can this be if none of it can actively be
sought after?
I'm uncomfortable ... often enough; And the relief - simple story - is generally when I find a way of consolidating my profile ID as truth.
And yea - that ... is good as it is supposed to lean both ways. Pro-individuality and Pro-clarity. Or ... such. Positive and Negative. Light
and Dark. Day and Night.
Emotionally the point between good and bad here is to me that from the 'general spectrum of goodness' that is potentially me/mine there will
always be some deduction. Uh; Like ... "what I do" is 'vague' in that I have no limits other than when I end up doing nothing I get taken
back to doing something. ...
My 'peace' thereby is to hope ... for the "worse".
The "big concern" there is that ... I think ... we aren't into doing ... 'actually horrendous' things; So - when I say what I want; ... its
not to tell you what to do. And when it gets to Love, I'm totally 'willing' to ignore all this in case anything is wrong there. "Of course".
I might be wrong; And we don't want mistakes to ruin everything!
A pros pos: Getting a slave going - by the words we start on a hunch and take it to the test. The 'test' here is however not rape or gangbang
or anything like that. As mentioned before. A persons synergy with a given person in a given situation ... is the test. Err ... details
aside; There's a problem: The 'test' is shallow compared to what is tested 'for'. It is in that not a 'test' per se. The 'test' is to settle
whether or not the individual is actually ... in the right place. That because for the next step; ... well, there is going to be one step
thats taking things a bit ... "further" ... and so the test ... well.
The goal is that the individual freely submits itself in awareness of what it is submitting itself to - and to get to that we want to do as
little as possible. My situation were that I'd move right to the end of everything; And so the required caution is to get me slowed down enough
so we're not missing any steps.
Speaking of rooms and doors however - there will be one 'final' door for me; And once I start around what I know of myself - well, I only get
to start by describing the room and that door to the best of my knowledge. ... Right now I had to add: I'm supposed to "end up" with Monica;
If she is however not able to "nourish me" (lack of manpower) - she's going to get bored of me. So - I have no value other than being her
victim of rape. And this is something I'm "forcefully" (willing to accept/settling on) acknowledging from my emotional perspective whereby I
find more joy in this situation where my male self finds itself saddened by his mothers lack of sympathy. This is - more difficult of a thing.
The point is that my male desires are an obstacle to that. We can say that both is possible all the way we want; Eventually a 'possibility'
is already something thats one in a hundred or thousand. And what I'm most concerned about is what 'this' life is all about (and I'm not
willing to settle for less). So there are desires that I'm kindof unwilling to admit because they really get distance between me and my male
self.
Another image: As my mothers son, in this vein of things, I could describe my mother as a man-hating woman that projects her man-hate onto her
own son whom she 'ravages' to become the woman he desires; Whereby now the male me is designed to be ... a monster, basically. But that is only
projection to make the sentence work out.
The desire here has a goal; And that goal cannot be achieved by just wanting it. (Again and again ...)
So ultimately I'll then have to end up somewhere else. But - all in all its up to her.
If she decided to keep me - I'm ... "in for a treat" because then she is to settle with me for longer terms. The difference 'made' is that my
situation is no longer directly tied to stuff that furthers my depravity. There is the stuff my mum wants and the rest is to somehow flow
together as life. This life is then 'freedom' - and that is the 'lightest day' there is. "Sunday". Depending on how 'thick' life is, I even
would get to play Videogames I guess. So, if this 'freedom' is too vast ... if it so generates boredom ... I'll get stuff to get over it.
But ... "uncomfortable feeling".
My oppinion - ... withdrawal of everything. Taking it to the limit and taking in what has to be taken in. Here I think its possible to work
something out whereby I'm perfectly happy without getting any human privileges. But ... complicated.
So, my mother is to draw a line. Above the line she takes from me what she wants; And beneath it - I'm cattle.
What will remain of me, also real quick, won't be attached to human intelligence but emotional awareness. So, right now I'm intellectually
busy, ... and eventually I'm feeling good - I'm free and happy - and there is something 'we want to preserve'. That which is to be
preserve does however not depend on the intellectual substance, but "some substance". In essence we're talking about the part of me that
smiles. And this smile is 'not to be valid' if clarity had to be sidestepped. Except for ... .
Dungeon alignment ... so, expanding the view ... ? Dungeon Alignment is about making Dungeons work - or getting used to the life in a dungeon
as [...]. We want to make experiments; But that 'before' we lock anyone up. "If possible". Hmmm ...
Now, something I want is 'of course' joy by deprivation. "The classic switcharoo". Punishment as Reward. Or - 'pet rewards' as rewards.
Moreover however do I want to push the science of what is possible/doable. Oh my. OK. Is it ... a thing? So - positive. Lets be positive!
Anyhow.
As for positive - the idea of three images in a column works in another frame ... or not ... whereby however the 'position' of the positive
picture matters. So, if it is at 2nd place, 1st place were something depressing that "overshaddowed" my joy. So, for instance the background
fact that I'm a Rape Slave. Something melancholic. If it were on top, it'd be genuinely positive. And that at the very least is something
I can see in a far away future - so ... once I have been procrastinated into ... "what I'm supposed to be". Once only that is left that should
be left. On a spontaneous act I'd have to play silly and primitive - on the long run my mind would only have certain ways to grow; And a
tightened relationship between my emotions and expressions would be one.
Public ID ... I ... I'm unsure, but, ... truth be told: I was about to settle for likes and dislikes - but stopped because of ambiguity.
Beneath 'Mother' add Likes: feces, incest and death; And at dislikes ... well, freedom and joy for a start. For labels that project a background
onto me they work. Taken too absolutely they don't. Freedom and Joy are also already in conflict with the portrayed purpose; And moving on
these statements would imply that feeding me with shit is one of the things that reward me. The idea is certainly good - it - is a 'good/strong
foundation' regarding mentioned 'melancholy'.
Taking it for reals also comes with some ... love that "pets itself on the back" for giving me that. This also belongs to the depersonalization
thing in consequence to which feces are on my list of delicatesses. This inversion of social standards (what is acceptable) also aligns to
my inverted spot in life. Thinking of it is however, ... to be honest, usually 'gross' - and I can't really "love" (thinking of) it beneath
a certain level of ... "general action". So - feeding me feces is not the first thing my Mother is supposed to do; But ... the third ...
ish ... sotospeak. More important will be the 'brutal feminization' aspect. And what is that all about?
What comes out clear at the bottom so far is that within this 'place' where I'm going to be and where "we start" - 'I' would start as cattle;
And 'we' would focus on ways of life around it. This wouldn't take too much away. At first. Hmm ... "how to know?" ...
For now - all 'positivity' that I can really rationalize is that profile identity; The persona there 'as me' - and there whichever aspects
thereof work. And thats it. Thats the 'frame' wherein I have ... 'all my freedom'.
Then, there was something. I'm trying to get to it. So there is this profile - and working on it I start to realize [...]. Something about
my "younger self", something about 'captivity' and something about 'I would like it'. So, projecting my profile claims back onto my ...
self? So - seals and runes. ? There is the big statement that is commonly known now: Child rape. Or ... what I can value thereof for me:
A sense of captivity; A system, a culture; ... yea, "getting warmer".
(LOL ... 'rape culture')
Such LOLs, well, in the sense of what goes and what stays, ... go. I'm - supposedly without any real social awareness. I assume.
And sure - all there is to say 'then' is that if there is a culture that 'properly implemented' this 'sadistic way' of ... dealing with
slaves (~ish~); I'm feeling OK. So - the place where there is a real demand for me to ... adapt. And that is a thing too. If we talk
about tests; We don't talk about the subsequent consequences and corresponding needs. So, before we subject one to those we want to be
sure that it is right for the person. And so, 'obviously' the test cannot be ... just throwing that person into cold water.
And when I start off with: "I want [specifics and more specifics]" ... I don't get it. The ideas are there, but they don't fit in.
Instead - hmm ...
... positivity. Well - the big guiding principle to everything round about should be 'serious consequences require serious efforts'.
If we want things to last, we have to "mean" it. And here the root question is: Treating people like animals/items/shit or not? So, dealing
with a person like me - say, all the claims are like that and verified - we wonder if and if then how far we can take those things
seriously. We cannot ask a child though. There we only can resort to our knowledge, understanding, wisdom, experience, ... and once
established 'the norm'. Oh yea, the norm. If the norm is that 'human pets/animals/dolls' are an absurd idea - but it should be that its
normal - we already have a problem. A common sense issue that is. So is this not just about me being in the right spot; But about everyone.
And the fewer people we are the worse its going to be. If its just me there are all the possibilities - and going for all of them - some
are closer to the norm than others. So ...
Hmm ...
The first thing I'll need is ... everything to be taken from me. Then I'll need an identity I fit into and be equipped accordingly; Which
is already supposed to make me a prostitute. The equipment is associated/locked to a room - and it is all I have 'for' myself; "Within which"
I'm prostituted. To be.
The next thing I'll need is enough demand to survive the average day. Hmm - something ... else - is ... specifically important.
Well - so because ... step by step.
I would otherwise say: A prison. Period.
On the one side I'm a "normal whore" - on the other end, within the family, I'm something more specific. And thats supposed to be
prostituted as well. "Baphomets Daughter". Here groups of men that lust for me are supposed to be present - and they would constitute
my 'private abuse'. So, this is whom my mother entrusts/ed me to. At first there are my "husbands" - and they have their friends and
what not. That were the only way - in some sense - to get to me. By someone who knows someone ... sotosay.
Here only those would get to have a say that are 'verified customers/consumers' - saying, only those that lust for me are allowed to
say what is right and wrong.
Then, once its "in the norm" that I would be referred to as shit, its 'suitable' to feed me feces; Which then is however just an
addition I'll have to get used to.
The only thing I'll be allowed to complain about are ... the serious issues. So, once too much oppression has badly detremental effects.
So, once my submission becomes too much. Or so - once the entire '3 Dimensionality' of me looses too much meaning.
Taking it there; I would give it to my mother to 'realize her own demands'. So, me getting feminized and exploited - that then isn't on
me. And whatever 'large promises' there are therein; Is totally up to her to actually fulfill.
Another thing: As inspired by breaking bad; I couldn't help - but see it. So, as of what I understand about heroin it works fine. Aside
of being addictive; It messes lives up. For a life that is already messed up; The high would be a good addition. And injections may
work better than smokes.
Being 'snuffed' further isn't about death only; Its also about stuff that is taken into the next life. So, things that actually make me
more feminine; Where this life is crucial in that it resolves some of the tougher issues that had previously been circumvented somehow.
'Letting me loose' would be to say that I'm free to feel human again and interact with society that way. Letting me loose 'should'
thereby imply that I'm closer to behaving as an animal than actually making an effort of more. And this has some troubles; In regards
to which: inner tensions play a huge role in that. If I'm urged into a corner and uncomfortable I have a natural internal pressure to
resist and the more I'd engage in it the more of my minds ressources I'd allocate for that purpose. On the other side I'm already pretty
silent and have a close handle to being rather in 'silent mode' than 'talking mode'. Being silenced should further help getting the
depression into me.
//08:01
And next ...
"This isn't pretty!" - aaaaaah! Shouldn't this be a happy place? All fluffy and christmasy and good?!
OK - it isn't ... 'that' pretty; But I'm feeling generally more comfortable/optimistic now - in a way of saying: The message that it is in
deed possible to legitimately 'hurt' people is 'delivered'. More specifically I want to resort to the terminology of illness if something
occurs that we do not want. So ... 'ill suffering' is 'certainly bad' while 'horrible suffering in demise and depravity and and and' -
that can go on through the whole dictionary of bad words - is not; Until the word 'ill' comes in. So, there is an "ill" way of taking
something badly ill and turning it into something good. Which is the next step to this equasion. You could take a girl and slam her head
against a wall ... as a birthday thing. She'll get more and more stupid and all you did was one thing - and all of it is utterly pointless.
At the end you should expect some bills whereby you got to take care of feeding her back up to health, being possibly endebted to her for
some time to come.
I also want merry christmas; Which at the most harmless to me right now still draws me as a dog into some picture.
And yea - I still do feel some slight discomfort. Previously it just seemed to be part of the mess; But in my continous back and forth
something disappeared - something worse - and now what remains doesn't belong anywhere. Whores are people too - while, if managed with
decency the spectrum of harm is mostly just in the customers domain. Whores are people too - and nothing about it is meant to be ill.
'Ill' - well, what 'ill' is comes along the lines of describing transsexuality as an illness. Being male or female does in and of itself
hold no harm. "How could it?". Its like being allergic to water; And yet - that exists! And it isn't good - I would say. Why oh why?
Take a female mind into a male body - and 'still' you wouldn't want to believe in it. But what if the given genders demands put the
person under stress; A stress to change; Stress that emerges from conflicts with ... deeply rooted characteristics of the person? At this
rate 'any' dissonance might amount to an illness; Right! And if we can help things; We should! Our 'ability' to help correlates to knowledge
about a given problem and respective solutions. Knowledge deepens our understanding of reality; And our God-given independence ... goes quite
deep as well.
You can use it to complain - which is almost like that 'annual act of stupidity' mentioned earlier; ... but that doesn't really help!
Ill is ill, it is not right! And thats what this is all about! I mean - "obviously"! If your norm were what I had to go by the situation
were simple. "I'm sorry! I take it all back!" done! [Happy Music!]. But if 'the better way' went against your norm; In some way - you would
have to change. I think what I'm trying to say is ... like trying to tell a vegan that eating meat is good! Or a seventh day adventist that
wine is healthy. Acceptance isn't equal to Action. And yes, if you accept that eating meat is good you're passively guilty of killing
animals - "so what"? And if you accept that wine is healthy you're passively accepting heroin abuse ... whatever!
I would say that I could be loved as a dog like no dog has ever been loved before - its like a child getting praises from its parents although
there really wasn't a reason to. Ever. Its somehow pointless. I would be loved as a dog but never get to do doggy things. There are times for
this and times for that.
So I want to point out that next to all the things I have to write 'against' associating to the human in me, there would come a point beyond
which it got ill. This is all theory though. Like - I cannot properly write about rape while I have no clear idea about what I have to
imply. At the base, rape here isn't ill in that it is nothing but normal, consensual sex with a little bit of "mind magic". As some
people might get offended by being objectified - that is an emotional response in resonance to some given self-esteem that I assume is in
harmony with that persons 'true self'. "Accepting" this objectification creates stress in that the true self is opposed by an ill assimilation.
The same can now happen in reverse 'if' the person actually "wants to be" objectified. Or ... if the person regards itself as object. This
latter expression is 'weak' in that it offers a lot of area to attack. So, is it 'good' that a person regards itself as object? "If it wants
to be ..." ... "sure" - but in the "code" used here, this 'self-regard' is fundamental to 'wanting'; While 'wanting' is due
to that given self-regard. The big point is that this isn't a case that can be isolated, generalized and slapped onto everyone. I mean, there
was this story ... and if a woman loves to make a sandwich for her husband, that is simply put: Tender Love and Care - at best. At worse - its
a daily habit. Give or take. But the act of 'submission' is here simply an act from 'herself'. Being loving and caring. Of that love she wants
to do something; And taking this ability from her would displease her - even if it didn't benefit herself in the first place.
Now - I don't really like to be objectified ... "LOL" ... the way I like it basically comes after the fact that once "let loose" on "my Mother"
I'd quickly degenerate into something like that. Perfectly enthralled. (And the only way I can make her happy (repay her) is through the life
given to me. So I'll try to be a good girl/boy/dog ... whatever). //11:09
This is one thing. I could add that if my mother wanted me to 'grow up' ... and independent ... and have a life ... I gladly would. One
(gladness) that however glances over a few things; Saying it might be a promise I couldn't keep. On the other side there are folks like me that
say whats up and thereby sound weird to normal people. There is that side ... from where things look entirely different than from the side
where things have to be explained in "inceivable depth" to "even be just remotely comprehensive". I'm speaking of myself; And I'm not speaking
of "what I would like to be" from such "outside" perspective. I rather say what I am ... and have to use phrases such as "I want" to at the
very least regard the fact that I'm not having ... such and such. In the end the point is that I'm trying to say what I am and thereby figure
out what I want to be surrounded by. ... What I 'am' surrounded by.
There then is rape that is rape beyond just 'mind magic'. It starts off with it, but what that magic kicks off are 'intentions' to rape; In
some form; And a 'rape slave' is the corresponding counterpart; For the 'mind magic' to work. And here is where it gets iffy. Right? And yea,
double that - as from me - because; At that point ... somewhere ... I have to be concerned about the physical capacity ... thinking of some
weird form of rape that is super bouncy and ... really weird. That ... just isn't real I'd say. The other way is just that, but stretched
along a larger window of time - with no intents of injury. Or ... well. The rapist would come with an intent to injure, but the injury isn't
the goal. It is what 'the thrust' is - which is what he needs for satisfaction. Or ... forcing his cock into her mouth - thats rape. The
healthy way takes all that to a consenting subserviant individual and tries to make a way for that hardcore stuff to follow smoothly. Err ...
the point is that its fun; And this sadism is superficial ... so, the fun doesn't come through destruction. Complicated?
Needless to say: I identify myself as Rape Slave - and next to that I certainly want to function as advertised. What that implies physically
however ... well, I guess I have to look at 'three ways' - and move on from there. So, there is the middle - which is the right way - and
there is too much and too little. ^^. In this sense the third way could be the right one, given that the desires were that way. That is
true for all three ways; That there is a 'less than that' which could be taken as limit. What works for me emotionally is the third way. That
is the way were I get fucked until objectively 'fucked' - beyond which its really difficult to find the right words to separate it from ills.
Thats raising a red flag! It is difficult for me to find any redeeming factors. The only ones there seem to be are of individualistic nature.
I mean - wanting to get tied up and beaten doesn't provide any real redeeming factors either; On first glance. But then the injury is
temporary; Which is one thing - and that might still be a thing when fucked beyond. ... "what a silly idea". Even so. The space of terminal
injuries ... that is ... towards death. About it: We want to know ... so, we can say that a quick death is nothing to be frightened about;
So - once the ethnical issues are resolved. Its quick - and if we could ask the person afterwards - it might not even know what happened.
Speaking of 'rape to death' the story is different. But while still alive - the person can still ... "wiggle" ... for instance. And that
way we can know.
Once the public arousal is settling, 'then' we get to the 'real core', in that 'then' only those are still interested that are such on a
more existential level. So, there are those that have to be stressed (by themselves or others) to look at something; And there are those
that breathe with it. And boredom ... well, ... if that is the suggested problem - you're suggesting the ultimate problem of problems.
//12:04 ~|~ 2017.11.06|17:36//
So, after I was done yesterday (the article linking into this) - I felt just as I would feel after what I've written so far. I've noticed
that once before - and it there isn't the content of what I've written but implications. "These" implications, so, no surprise?
Then, the fantasies that got me horny weren't 'of that kind'. They barely are. I mean - they barely are in line with what I last had on
mind specifically.
They always build up on whats been had, somehow, ... and as of recent they've been aimed more at my male self. And that slightly influenced
my ... "path". I mean, once I'm feeling at peace with myself I don't have an urge to change anything; And I guess that is one ... horrible
trap! One that in the greater sense should be discussed in regards to Video Games. But doing so, there's another trap ... I think. I do
strongly believe ... ! Suggesting "such a thing" in terms of gaming would lead to some idea of being aggressively 'anti gaming' - or, well,
... "where is the problem?" (it would seem to be time and habits, so we should try to "disrupt" gaming habits - ... right? ... )
Well, looking at myself over the time, how I spend it; I'm not always happy with/about myself. I feel 'tied' into my chair, ... I want to
break free - somehow - but this isn't a general feeling. In general I'm fine! It are only minor details here and there that have a given
'drag' - and aside of what I 'could' change (the layout of my room, maybe) there is also the side that I have no control upon. Like
Microtransactions. In a condensed sense ... the idea of the "uproar" is to say: Our interests bind us into passivity.
I however only need to change my inner attitude like ... "OK, then ... "male it is!"" ... and I feel the backward tension that makes me
realize that the positivity I'm in regarding myself is in deed from the other way.
But that ... then goes to beg the question. The answer is simply enough: Our spirits are free! We can adapt. Now, that doesn't mean
that ... - well. I have a 'female core' - lets start with that. By that I mean that when in some sexual situation with someone my
'perceptional experience' is female. Except ... when I 'love'; But that isn't based in sexuality. So, my attachment to my mother can in
that be described as perfectly unsexual. Its a ... "silly attachment" ... maybe. A prolonging for close and warm and intimate. All as
simple as a hug that produces comfort. It is therein that the simple situation of how those experiences come together carries on; So,
I come from "chaos" into that room, meet her, love comes in - situation 1. That 'bonding' fortifies the meaning of that room and now
things somehow are to move on. What became of that love? There are dozens of ways I'd think how this could go on; While - in my case
the quest for further intimacy leads me into the next room whereby I'm female.
This means that something is being lost in this transition. And that is what I would call my 'male urges'. So, from having an attachment
to my love, which is something that is intrinsic to that relationship, I would seek to extend it to some way of 'expressing' my feelings.
This could be compared to first an erection and then ... "what follows". What follows in actuality are however sensations of being female.
And this ... "situation" ... perfectly describes how I generally felt when having sex. When teased as a woman I do genuinely enjoy it,
while when teased as a man, ... not so much. Except that teasing is focussed on my male genitals. So there is the "biological sensation"
that comes in with its effects and ... I'm sortof powerless. The conclusion is that if it weren't for those biological effects, there
wouldn't really be any male "stresses". Sortof. A 'but' to that would come on closer inspection of how my female tensions ... 'contrast';
As - ... well, those female experiences are much like a cock entering my "male vagina" ... so, its ... not male actually. Its a teasing
out of the female aspects of the male sotosay. ... But anyhow ...
I think a much better way of describing what happens is that my male urges are in first place a craving for attention. A way of saying
that I'm there and that I want to deepen my attachment. Continuing that would however change the initial balance of that relationship;
Which is me looking up to her, being greatful - at the moment - for her compassion or whatever. So, a motherly kind of love given to me.
Extending 'that' requires her to extend on that motherly care, which ultimately takes me further into passivity. And sure - at that I'm
like a pet already. Like, a baby that is there for the point of having a baby because its cute rather than being concerned of letting it
become an actual human. Sortof. To me that feels like getting wrapped up in a comfortable blanket where all I 'can' do after that which
is implied as done to me is to ... "let go" and enjoy myself. Seems like ... a really good deal, but it comes with respective ...
restrictions. It means for instance that 'that scope' is wherein my freedom matters. Being otherwise ... 'occupied'. With that come all
the slavery issues - where state of the affairs are that its hard to tell "which comes first" - the joys of being a slave or the joys
of being ... pampered.
As layed out times before, these 'rooms' are 'practically solid'. They are the 'core' I would say of how I come to relate to myself, my
life and those involved. In the advanced/intimate spectrum. While a full image is yet sortof iffy when stretching beyond this 'second
room' (wherein my feminization/marriage as whore is consolidated) - this second room is all that practically matters. Well, what matters
at this point might be that this room is relatively empty. All there is is a table in the middle of it - and it represents the place I
am tied to; And thats it. So, my 'full' experience basically fits in between the door coming in from room 1 and that table. And this I
think should "suffice" to tell just how much ... 'sexual interaction' ... is implied. Saying, there is nothing 'but' that. Room 1 is to
lock me away while Room 2 is solely about exploiting me. In contrast to the carricature rape the idea is still that pretty much everything
about it is still rape - ... but more so in the context of it being situational. Uh, ... I mean, I tried to mention it before - but,
in better: The issue with being tied up isn't to keep me from leaving. The basic idea of consensual sex is that those involved don't wanna
leave until its "accomplished". Shackles then just added; Provided that there is that trust that the partner would loosen the ties when
things are done; The illusion of captivity. So - 'perfect captivity' is no different.
There is now however a problem with this second room, still. And it got more apparent to me now upon reflecting on it. The thing is that
these 'male fantasies' that come in and further my self-awareness introduce me to concepts; As it goes with clarity; That just stick. They
just end up working for me; And I can't simply negate that by arguing that I'm actually female.
So have I been teased, by my Mother, that there is this sister I'm having - valid in 'her' house; As part of that 'male environment'. What
then happens is that I get/feel attached to this "new person"; Again based on my male perspective/outlook; And as of that I'm again thrown
into confusion. Female desires come up while the male urges are still there - and on top of that do these attachments extend beyond the
second room. Like, being totally separated therefrom; Except that 'eventually' they lead back into room 2.
What matters here is that there are 'special perspectives' ... eh, like ... OK - lets draw a rectangle onto a sheet of paper to call it a
room; And now we draw a square into that room to represent the presence and ties to another individual. So at the top left with a door
coming in from the left side being my Mothers position whereby I feel ... "pinned down" as this 'forced into a female body' type of being
that is essentially just a pet and so I have associations regarding my relationship to her whereby I see myself as a dog "living" in her
handbag. Outside of that square I'm tied to that table, surrounded by men that want to fuck me.
The same is there within room 1. Here the square linking me to my mother is the place where the attachment occured, yet the outlook I have
from there; While the room basically sets me into my male awareness; Is that of being raped furthermore - "as though I were" female; So -
taking me in from room 2 in order to give it to me hard so that when I get out I'm ... always caught up in rape.
It are these individual outlooks that set the baseline for me which contribute to an 'all-over' perspective; But due to the "traces of male"
that are found here and there these also eventually are a part of it. Its here where I connect the dots, essentially, regarding those
females I am attached to as male as my partners; While in the layout they are dispersed around room 2.
While now everything yet leads into room 2 - from where things move back into room 1 disregarding my male self - there is this "top level
motion" that has me caught up into a self-depriving kink of getting fucked female. My relationship to my Mother thereby revolves around
a) the joy of being a rape-toy, product of rape and b) being given into an environment of men that want to "mess me up". The thing is
pretty much that once I have a solid feeling of being wound up in rape, making me a rape-toy, I get to a point of comfort as being
fetishized that way, by her; From which I have an outlook through an open door into a room with men that I'm supposed to be scared to
be put into, but its inevitable.
As of that ... I mean, ... these are fantasies with no real way of telling how this would or should play out in real life; But the
"adaptive conclusion" is set to be that the 'true' circumstances are such, that these transitions work out for me - so that the joy/pleasures
that I'm being promised are actually given. And here an issue is presented to me: Does this mean that people should be gentle on me; Or
the opposite or what?
I would say - and that comes from a place deep inside that is beneath everything that would allow me to have an "outlook other than
rape" - that the 'negative consequences' of these happenings are a part of what makes me attractive. So to the point that those
negative consequences are the first thing that matters; While the joy I get out of them has me locked into an absolute prolonging for
getting fucked up.
This 'should' say that there is a bunch of men with desires that are going to have a foreseeable effect on me; And any consequences that
would seem negative are either only apparently negative or false expectations. So, that is ... as touched upon multiple times ... simply
a matter of how the force controls our emotions so that we can actually rely on our attachments and be simple about them. It goes to say
that that my perception of the situations wouldn't matter - that it all comes down to the passions of my oppressors - and that these are
controlled in a way that is also going to be fine for me. Which does't say that these are going to be harmless. The way I see it I will
be subjected to people who want to facefuck me not because they want a blowjob, but because they like me suffering. That is a pivotal
detail. Those are the "itches". So the group of men that I'm presented to 'can' gather around these tensions that consolidate my suffering.
So - because that is the intention rather than just cumming.
In an advanced sense does this mean to me: That the more the general gist of how the force works in that (or "is supposed to work") is
understood, the more I can step away from relativizing what I ... feel, moving me closer to being 'effectively' on point with what
I'm saying; And that is where I'm 'learning' (being taught and trained) to 'let go' of acknowledging 'anything' other than the desires of
getting fucked up. As of that I enjoy my freedom to be a force that creates resistence to those demands while these demands produce the
actual joy that I experience as desirable through my resistence. Well, that isn't any forceful resistence. Eventually. Although I wouldn't
mind ... to get pacified out of such.
Here - it really comes down to the Force. As I see it, I'm getting to "that point" every once in a while, where I feel like on the bottom
of all possibilities - like I couldn't take anymore - and then yet being demanded ... and taken with force ... creates a rush, a feeling,
that goes through me and basically 'cleanses' me from those negative feels. Like a reset button. And so it happens that whenever I get to
bed with a certainty of my future being ... "that messed up" ... I'm at my most comfortable.
The way how I deal with this once I "come to my senses again" is a bit more complicated. The direction, purpose and outcome is however the
same. Only that it is my objective reasoning that has to acknowledge this fate; The problem being that pretty much everything I know is
going to be ... futile. Whatever I hold dear is going to get taken. So I have those conflicts of course, about ... whether or not that
can actually be a thing. What I have to learn is that these pleasures (of getting raped) are magnitudes larger than anything else, so, to
the experience that all it would take is the actual experience to slowly get me dragged into this life.
Isn't that horny?
So to me the objectively most accurate descriptions of me are those that have me locked up in sadistically deisgned cycle of doom - where it
is the force that 'vouches' for the fact that I'm actually enjoying myself. This even to the point that it 'consumes' my male self; That my
male attachments aren't fulfilling any gender specific purpose. It is there however that this outlook begins to fall apart. To explain just
how I now have to think of the "Quantum Field Vacuum"/"Zero Point Energy" - which are those quantum field fluctuations that make it impossible
to really cool anything down to absolute zero. So, 'privilege of individuality'. There is the one side which is the rapist oppression - and
in there I'm more of an object than something else; And there is the other side ... which is me - and I in there ... feel like an object but
am actually not. Well ... this "rebuttal of my misery" ... is a topic that gets me to write about "that which remains of me". You can think
of me, thereby, for once, as a person that is having a positive outlook onto being a girl. Whatever that might mean to you, just ignore
anything sexual for the moment. So I would eventually have a mindset that is pretty comfortable in that body through which I would act in
behalf of my minds positivity. In contrast to my misery that is sotospeak "being let loose" ... or 'allowed to stand up and move around
freely' - being "like a real person". And yea, my understanding of that which remains is that this ... 'positive being' ... 'won't'. I mean,
it ... will, but in a more passive state; So that when let loose I'd ... that positive being would basically be restrained to facial
expressions.
So the "turn" here is that there is a 'but' to all of that rape, 'but' it does't go as far as you might want/have to think.
And that is an outlook I'm happy to accept/embrace.
Even so with an urge - where I'm kindof troubled by the extent of it because it doesn't really seem to be all that realistic.
Therefore, as my writing is concerned, I'm not really willing to settle for less.
In reality I will always have counter reactions; But more important than those will be the truth behind those appearances - a.k.a.: Whats
truely positive.
So, I guess ... I'm kindof sorry ... that this is "how I "end"" - but on the other side of the paper the situation is simply that I'm
'happiest at home' - where any responsible person would want me to be.
//19:52 [one more 'but'?]
Yea, there is one thing that so far keeps me getting my hopes up for something else; And that revolves around my I.T. projects. Yet, ...
when things get dense, that outlook feels like ropes I've somehow got myself stuck up in and grow somewhat desperate to free myself
from them. The thing is that these projects manifest in an outlook that feels positive and promises some sense of accomplishment to me
that I'm going to be happy about. Comparing that to the alternative makes me prefer the alternative, which gets me sad and that sadness
'is' a positive feeling. Well, its still pretty much sadness - like, close to tears, and not 'actually' positive in any way; But still
more desirable ... in this weird way of being at conflict with myself that pins me into a life of deprivation.
But - this doesn't resolve the issue. It now ... and this isn't new ... gives me a feeling of ... "senseless deprivation" ... like,
something that wouldn't make a difference. I mean ... in the real world now context: Either I'm going to be productive or not. Being
productive is good, the other thing is bad. So, admitting to this positive alternative feels like ... opening a door for you to demand
'that' of me; In regards to which I would ... as of the given context ... 'withdraw' myself to the dislikes of everyone.
In this context it is I think most important to leave it to [my Mother] to understand what is best for me.
Now ... things have changed. Sortof. Its also not really new. I for once do see/expect/feel this 'accomplishment' in the distant future;
And once that accomplishment is moving into the past it feels ... negative. That now makes me ultimately sad - in a generally positive
way. It now gives me a more solid handle to more absolutely and sincerely say whats up with me; And as of that the only true accomplishment
I could look back on were the "legalization of sexual deprivation". So - for the dimply legend that is ... satisfactory; Who then get to
worship the magenta Godess that locks them into sexual depression.
I guess - this leads to a much simpler conclusion: That for the betterment of me I have to be withheld from accomplishing anything until
God would say that its OK; And because that time would be in the distant future where God is not that hidden anymore we don't have to
be concerned about that. Which so ends up being a pretty simple question. In theory.
Well - difficult. Trying to formulate a question the answer so far would be 'no'. So, little by little - to not ... overcomplicate it.
The first issue is that: The item of that 'accomplishment' can be described as being non-sexual in nature; Though asking for 'non sexual'
activities ... that ... would seem to be where the error occurs. Assuming that the underlying assumptions are correct.
So, being more practical about it, there still is ... this setting whereby my 'kind' is subject to certain rules that render us special
when it comes to 'health'. So, we're basically wondering about the right therapy/treatment. So, what I connect to that accomplishment is
first of all 'creativity'; Which we might say is a 'male accomplishment'. Thinking about it, I do also feel ... 'complications' ...
when I think of enjoying Videogames. The complication arises in regards to the 'active self' - the part of me that would end up resembling
an actual human being. Instead of having such joys I would be having joys that would arise from my sadness that is due to my submission.
Another problem with this question is that if we had to deal with a series of lifetimes before Christ returned, the ... complexity of the
matter increases; Like so, potential lifetimes where I grow up as a free individual. Those would be the most legitimate "places" for me
to grow and evolve my personality/character.
So the question really condenses around the 'existence as pet' - yea "duh" - but, ... yea, already I ... ... . Though on the other side
is this place right here ... already pretty explicit about what 'can' be legit.
I would first of all go on a stretch and cast it into the atmosphere to say: Subjecting people to the sadistically deprived sexual
fantasies of other people is what we have to accomplish. [yes]. Nothing new, basically. This at the very least suggests that the only
real way to perfect harmony is to allow those people to experience their nature which on the other side is to jive with their victims.
What works and what doesn't would be discovered along the way.
But sure, what ... then really really matters is my life outside of these obligations, where first of all we had to comprehend how much
of a life outside there is (to be). Hmm ... I've been here before. And well, it would seem that I am 'not' supposed to be deprived of
my creative ambitions; ... but this is too metaphysical. What ... would it mean to stick to this phrasing? It so seems like I need some
island of personal development ... //20:57
The problem right now as I understand it seems to be that I'm growing to be something that I in the end cannot be. That is my perspective,
as I of my own interest strive towards it and so discard everything but. I however also get to learn that there are things that factor in
although I must not want it. Sortof. Anyhow -- on the one side I'm feeling better the more hardcore it gets, with each 'level' that I
decend I'm feeling more comfortable. However - when being cognitively more distant to that I recognize that there is something like a
level of freedom that has to be maintained. So, while the decent figuratively gets me onto my knees and lower ... well ... my "average
height" shrinks; And so ... facepalm ... the question is: How much of that freedom is appropriate for a "person" like me.
I do every now and then get to moments where I want to formulate the rules I'm subjected to - but I can't. It seems irrational, without
substance - and that checks out because I'm the victim. So I think that what I'm supposed to do is to say what I think is right to so
confirm the position of those that are then supposed to go their way with it.
At the bottom of it the general idea of a whore like me, to me, is that my entire existence outside of being subjected is devalued -
"ish" - where the bottom line is that we are sortof like the most pure essence of individuality no matter how we disliked that. We would
dislike it while thinking about it, or comparing one thing to the other, etc. - but when in those moments we are of our individualistic
needs enjoying ourselves.
Now comes a heavy one. I'm not going to suppose that I can take it at face value, so - its a pointed question. Is that legitimate amount
of freedom/individuality that I need to have supposed to satisfy the demands of depriving sadism? [yes].
But how does that work? I wonder because ... there is that which should remain ... something positive; A place where I can enjoy my
existence as a free and independent individual. And that, it seems, can go 'aaaaaall the way' up to a perfectly independent lifestyle -
within certain boundaries. So the idea there isn't that I am 100% fucked up while still 100% caught up. Caught up not in an immediate
sense of bondage/captivity; But within social norms that end up invoking/demanding my sexual submission. So could I live as a normal
person within society and yet satisfy the aforementioned demands through being ... privately exploited.
What I do with the given freedom is thereby entirely irrelevant. Sortof.
OK ... that is, ... true.
//21:39//and now I can evolve. Yes!
First of all: The beauty of independence or individuality. It seems like we might ask: Whats better for me: Freedom or an absence
thereof? So, in behalfst of all the things "we learned (of)" so far my understanding is strongly that my being is sortof rigid in a
way that inherantly draws me into submission. But then it gets to points that feel ... oddly "besides". [+ weed now] Looking back up
at the thing with them rooms there is what yet gets me spinning back and into these odds again - as the "installment of my submission"
'wraps me up in comfort' (the figurative blankett). The more I learn of myself, the more freely I also evolve towards the ideals that
make me want to be ... an object? No - rather, subject to "extreme violations of my sexual autonomy". So, I ultimately want the
unwantable - in a sense - ... which yea, is a good point. Is it really unwantable, as ... never even possible? There is that which
won't go away; And aside of it being locked into passivity it inherantly contradicts the notion of it being equal to the self-depriving
part of me. "But everything else ..." ... ... nah! I don't even need to ask. I mean ... good point. There are things that just 'are' -
like a strong sense/feeling of: "Nope, don't want that" when just thinking about it. The very same however also leads me up to those
assumptions. In the same vein I just had to realize that in terms of sadness I have to emphasize that there is a sadness, which basically
feels the exact same way (for all that I care it is the same ... 'just sadness'), that makes me feel sick. Instead of there being a
desire, a craving, excitement and stuff - its just like a pusbag - unwanted weight. So - it seems like this is a legitimate 'yay' for
'lightweight living'. And somewhere there seems to be this world where I'm that slightly fat male general mutt and she is my uberly
happy and motherly supportive dog wife. It seems reasonable to assume that life in a gazillions of years would evolve, what we now call
complex would there be childsplay; So I think of this 'spectrum of reality' as a diffuse ... background noise ... a particle noise of
realities wherein the wealth of reality fulfills itself sotospeak. I wouldn't say that we end up as a neutral field where everyone ends
up doing everything with everyone else - that feels ... nasty in a bad sense - it would seem like a mix of specific ... things - where,
this 'male mutt' 'sphere' is 1) a real thing and 2) not of diffused meaning. Its not irrelevant to what I would call 'my greater life'.
The first word that came to mind was 'Graviton' - saying, its a sphere that basically necessitates itself ... but has to be deluted in
a greater see of somethings to be of 'good' effect. So, its like a drop of wine into water. You can read on top in some length how much
I am into being a slave - and in contrast to that is the mutt sphere vanishingly small but has a quite significant impact, like a big
bang. It sortof annihilates what I had established ... and because I'm male, I assume, I can easily connect to that and on doing so I get
into a shaky trembling of discomfort. So far there have been a handful of moments where I could enjoy thinking and feeling in that
sphere; And when thinking of 'her', more specifically, I can kindof wiggle myself into it. Thats ... my love for her is its own bond
wherein I'm inherantly male and she female, and the mutt sphere extends from that relationship.
Admitting this has so far been part of a riffle effect that would seem to cause a revolution - starting within this space of diffused
spheres. But what then happened is akin to something else I've come to notice and the best common equivalence to compare it to has been
'bones'. So, you can imagine spirit as a fluid. Think of the most fluid fluid you can think of. Even more fluid than that. One can only
see it through the force because the force is capable of shining at a higher clarity than our own cognition allows. Weird thing. I'm sure
that someone will (have) figure(d) it out by some time. You can then think of the 'surprise' of a surprised person as a 'fluid reaction'
of our minds; But once the positively surprised person looks at the surprise a bit closer and has to find that it isn't what it had
wanted some 'stop' sets in, "no particles appear" that not only 'halt' the progress of the positive excitement, they somehow 'shock freeze'
it into a sudden stop. This basically is our mind being itself - so - the motion of excitement is one thing, we might say: It allows us to
get fooled; But once the mind realizes 'the thing' for what it is it relates to the thing as for what it has been found. So its like the
bones of our mind. There some might be stronger and others weaker. Eventually there is a transition into flexibility ... down to something
like gel ... as it transitions away.
So there was a revolution that came from a positive reaction to the more cognitive acknowledgement of that mutt sphere, but it couldn't
go on for some reasons yet not properly understood. The most immediate acknowledgement was that the excitement related to an experience that
is already regarded within that sphere, so - the revolution itself was an external reaction 'wanting' what has already been given. So the
revolution would go and multiply that sphere into space, but then realized that it went on to populate the mind with something that is
already there.
This diffuse field of particles isn't composed of only that sphere. I can make out at least one that I have no insight into yet and one
that I already am familiar with. This happens to be its own delight - being something of a ... IDK ... "median favourite" ... and as of
that (also) came to mention "such" every now and then. This ties in a second relationship ... the relationship that so far ultimately
turned out to be the second in absolute order. I must think of a man I knew since my childhood - but this relationship also only truely
seems to start to matter in paradise 2.0. For when Monica isn't my Father, he would be. In the mainline I'm his daughter; In this
sphere I'm his son (feminized). It would seem as though until then he wouldn't be ready or willing to accept it. For various reasons.
Maybe. I guess ... he is equally in denial as I used to be about my femininity. So, a pragmatical one; A lack of comprehension about
why it would be necessary while otherwise living a pretty decent life ... all things considered.
So ... I won't really bother digging into that too deeply.
Although ... ?
Well - this diffuse plane seems to be ... well ... the mutt sphere now pops up as ... incomfortable, like, having swallowed a too large
chunk of food (but not too too large) ... a heavy heart. Perhaps it'll turn into pus that then gets dissolved - so, healing like a wound.
Yea. In correlation is this other sphere the majority of what is there. The sphere itself is smaller but there are a lot more of them -
and they determine the 'base' color of that field. Going from this, my color palette thus far is [undecided (brown, olive)] and pink (salmon,
bright bright red). The other one would seem to be deep black with a red core. But as a whole the plane were pink. Its basically where I
get punished for being male; And I get to enjoy myself as a guy that is being pussyfied. Sortof. The first time I entered that sphere I
was zooming through my 'grand nexus identity' - and in 'our bedroom' got into a gender conflict that she/he basically provoked. She does
that ... from time to time. So I let my male side out and then I get punished for it. And I love this punishment.
A pros pos: Punishment as Reward ... what next? Its ... practically weird. So, the idea to get punishments 'as' reward seems counterintuitive
when thinking about what to punish such an individual with. You don't want to reward it by punishing it! "Ironically" however a good
reward is the correct answer. The reason why this works is relative to the reason for how punishments as reward works. The individual feels
rewarded from punishment. The reward is however not the punishment itself, basically, but the long term implications of the psyche adjusting
itself to the fact that ... rewards now come that way. So, pain is pain - and embracing it as reward is self depriving in nature; And that in
turn is bonding with the own nature. This however accumulates stress - and this eventually leads to 'undesirable behaviour' that then needs
to be punished. Giving a treat now will however decrease that stress until I so would want to be a good girl again.
So, it isn't as simple as 'rewards as punishment' - although it ultimaely turns out that way. The paranoia on the other side goes to argue,
that the individual could simply 'fetch' rewards by misbehaviour; But the truth is that the status of pet isn't given to a person that doesn't
truely want it that way. So is misbehaviour an intimate response thats 'accurately put' against the individuals nature and therefore a 'bad
sign' the pet shows dissatisfaction through. Wow ... brave grammar!
And so - what really puts the male in me to shame is affection for another man. I mean, "sorry, but I'm not gay!" ... and yet ... there is
that. Well, I'm certainly not gay because of the sex! Also can I not really vibe with it ... intimately. It here only works because I have
a pussy, ... and then all the things associated to it ... it seems. I mean, ... its getting a lot more complicated than it looked on first
sight.
Well, complicated from the internal aspect. Or how the emotions are ... constructed. I also can't really wiggle myself into it right now -
so, I mostly recollect it from now rather distant memories. On top of it I can say that I'm put into the identity of a girl doll/doll girl,
one that is so petted on the head when it realizes its situation as lost to being ... a "boy toy" with a vagina. ~ish? It isn't only him in
that sphere. Oh yea, my side to it implies that I'm punished for being male, so, my alignment is that of feeling well in that situation,
which I accomplish by aligning myself to the female stuff which in turn is tied into sexual abuse. Because I romanticise with that situation
my oppressors become my lovers - and therein ... well, the light basically interacts with my male self-awareness that first is ashamed of
itself in that situation, but then recombines with the truth of the situation - that I otherwise am what I want to be - plus that its a
reality - (etc. ?) - that causes a weird ... rapey feeling that adds into my male self-awareness.
This is also somehow relative to sadness ... in that the shame is part of a me that is furthermore capable of being saddened about this
situation. So here an attachment to what the male side implies is confronted with something detrementally opposed - that with a given
degree of convinction ... or commitment? ... to the 'male norm', or maybe a given love interest, causes a sense of disparity.
Because the female side in me dominates is there however a positive to those events; And that determines the all-over tune of ... why
these things work the way they do ... I think. So in the full spectrum no part of me misses out, which so is to imply those parts of
me wherein the female takes over the male. So is the given sadness good in the eyes of my female self - and so this sadness can further
be something the female gets to enjoy regardless of what inflicted it. So ... pleasure in pain.
And at this point ... the suffering of the male is a pivotal aspect to the female part; ... if only ... something ... ? ???
Well ... I'm moved to think about my sister. Here our Mother comes to celebrate her incest kink by bonding us together as husband and
wife; Being as a picture book family (without kids?) that solely revolves around a love=incest relation err equasion.
Between the three of us ... ?
If this now "grows up" to be the whole of me - where I am a 'hypothetically infinite space' (because of the infinite future) - yea, it
... makes well sense. For a time. Paradise 1.0 has me growing up into as of what I am now. Here the pink bubble takes place in the 'center'
of my bone structure. So ... that is: There are circles aligned next to each other - the space between them being like ... a 12th of the
radius ... and at the joints where there is the most space between the circles outlines these "backbones" emerge. This is like an infinite
center and herein my captivity and demise are settled at. The space in between being the bone structure (or substance) is furthermore
riddled with bubbles that contain similar scenes of deprivation or pussyfication. And so are the circles spheres wherein my female life
occurs. At a certain point, so it seems, this bone structure is broken apart and that takes us into Paradise 2.0. Here the substance of
what made up the bone structure is within this diffused particle field ... while everything is however arranged slightly different all
over. Presumably: The cognition of life over time is changing to a higher standard - and accordingly are priorities re-arranged to complement
the newer standard, and during a phase of getting used to it we grow into 2.1 which introduces the grand nexus.
Its actually a part of 2.0 already but it only comes to matter at then.
The outlines of those bones now would seem to be my 'default trans identity' - so as complementing the circles. In one ... well - OK, "look
at it now!" - there is a ring, and the line is drawn as of fire - a tornado of fire, but, its still a ring - not a tall cylinder - and the
fire does come in from out of nowhere but is driven by the ring ... like a fusion reaction that draws fuel out of nowhere. Its ... one
ring of fire. The fire now is transparent - and as a window into a prallel reality - and that is effectively projected into the circle.
It is like a screen that draws the farsight within the scope - I'd say. Now is there one circle that draws in what I come to fantasize about
when inspired by Hentai. So, basically lifetimes drawn out on a sketchboard, focussing on certain points ... basically for the matter of
a narrative that shapes the environments of emotion. So the "cliche" getting kidnapped and raped by Orcs situation for instance. Or whatever
narratively deprived or perverted rape scenario that fits in.
Hmm ... well, moving from the "bone joint" over to the right, or into any direction, along the structure, would lead to a different joint
content.
Anyhow - I "marginally" account for 3 circles. The one I just mentioned, one that is generally just a dark pit and is in concern of my darkest
girl fantasies, ... and the third one ... that seems like a more solid place - ... "the Dark Queens Mansion" ... the Garden of ... IDKA.
So here 'real life' basically happens. The dark pit and the second joint go both to the same ... thats where my romance is at; Not speaking
of #G, ... .
This is on the other side also public space. So, ... take 3 circles next to each other. The middle is where the hentai stuff was at. Right
or down-right is where the mansion is at; while left or up left is where "the capital" is. It extends from joint one and the "circle
multiplicity" is only a projection of "habits" or "moments" over time. So, one joint up is ... now it stands for me ... "general assembly".
This is where God calls us all together and we're having a talk or ... something, whatever. "Normality time". Here I'm "told" that you
would only see me as a sex-slave; As in the capital I'd also always be a whore. From here I sense a bubble going down in the third
dimension, so underground basically, which is where I feel that world relative to "being otherwise like a free person"; Which is where I
would work in an office and get raped by collegues and family. Like in a hentai comic.
Because why f*ing not?!
Hmm ... well, raping me by satisfying my male self is I guess reserved to God ... because ... it otherwise blurrs my gender priorities
a little. So, its ... it doesn't work. Except when it can, but ... its a) rather intimate and b) 'fringe'. Its ... not relevant. It is
however a thing. But if it were made a thingy thing ... its valued as equal to satisfaction of my male self period. Its however not
structurally regarded. The male is raped to be female. And that also goes for when raped by ... tentacles.
Fucked like a girl but teased like a boy - generating a gender conflict.
Weird. ... Hmmm ...
Well - however. This isn't really supposed to become an accurate map I guess. Its only there to provide an image ... a sense of what
it is about. Also contributing to an enhanced self-awareness. So, regarding how things are distributed.
Regarding certain things I then have an independent/individual image. As when looking into the capital, I find myself presented as
whore/mother with one background being the hentai ring, one being my services within the capital, and another one ... as a footnote
maybe, my background as an animal which takes me to a distant joint, near to the dark pit an... hmm ... overlap. Error. Well, it needs
to sit between hentai ring and dark pit, which is there to me a room wherein my ... 'happy as a pet' thing is ... the 'mother' part
above to an extent. ... hmm, no, wait - it isn't!
But sortof. Well - there should be a huge amount of bubbles wherein I'm impregnated, including some where I get so as a boy. Or maybe
even exclusively so.
Now, well, there is also an entirely different hentai ring ... and that one exists as an independent thing extending from my attachment
to the Queen of Darkness. Thereby she is established as my highest Godess/Diety and in firm control upon my life. (Collar, bottom layer).
Base layer seems to be wrong - so, it seems the base comes from my mother while establishing a deeper layer therein.
So, I'm still missing a few things in there; And it would seem that the map is populated differently depending on how I look at it.
That confused me for a moment, but what bonds the different perspectives together is the representation of these joints in form of
stairwells. So, in the grand scheme of things are these nodes wherein we move as within an actual home, where now the different
occurances on the map of circles would be just around the corner of each other. In 2.0 it seems like that is being extended into
infinity while others are drawn into a negative pocket dimension. The latter were Joint 1. What gets busted in the process gets
sprinkled into the space that is as a common home. Its a larger world.
While however stretched accross multiple dimensions the narrative is yet that the reality of the pocket dimension is effective
outside. So my mother there is no longer my mother ... or, well, I can have two fathers. Its, ... weird.
I don't know ... I ... only see what I see.
I may also have a desorted shot of it. It doesn't really matter. None of them actually do in regards to what I am in the grand
nexus aside of ... the activities. There, furthersoitseems, is a memory of who I am now - that male self 'she' triggers in me -
and thus likely a complete recollection of my memory so that I could continue whatever wherever I left off. And it also would
happen to be where I get my dreams fulfilled anyway.
Yet, so we might say, this life could be an image of that - in the here and now, as for some good reason. But well. Those
isolated spheres; Well - I essentially just dipped into it; Only assuming it to be real. It seems to be real, and it further
contextualizes as most likely real through a membrane that takes shape around it whereby now my intimate Room 1 self has a
place of its own - which, *blush* is ... of pink fluff and a golden cage; And this membrane also connects to my shackles,
drawing my body into the sphere while separating my head from it.
Now, the next thing I find is the expression on my face - that is: Being so 'bound' into darkness the inside of the bubble
manifests itself as a vacuum craving for that darkness to fuel the membrane and its substance/... . So the darkness is sucked
in through my face.
Wh... oo aa eer? hat?
Well, I'm drawn closer to the 'falling' of stuff - and it there is a feeling of awe that generates something of a still frame
of something that I need to analyze more closely. These are tiny particles that fall in from [...] ... and have a friction of
romance. Its like a harmony, a symphony, ... where zooming in closer reveals heavy rocks that are drawn down a maelstrom and
reveal a tremendous inertia through the feeling of their slow motion. The inertia causes that friction, the mass wants to move
but it is held back creating an energe of ... awe. Here now it seems the mind-control takes place; And I'm inspired to begin
with pointing onto myself as an 'unsuspecting individual'. So, male guy early thirties or maybe younger me sitting at its
desk sketching something out on paper. Make him a little nerdy, so, short hair, white shirt and a beige black armless pullover.
So the guy that goes to church and is perfectly innocent in his ambitions.
This image I would say is a product of society. It is in that sense as artificial as it gets - but also somehow mendatory.
Now, wouldn't it be awesome if ... "No, I would not!" !!! ?! ;)
???
So, however the thing now - what is the value of this image? In plain "independence coins"? Its zero. Its the Level 0 noob
outfit - in the sense. It can also be levelled, so to nerd, whatever - just rambling nonsense - where, you can see what I
think about when trying to describe myself. How does that come together though?
Well, it is all less complicated than it seems, I guess. As the story with the rooms goes, I have been vastly female. I may
have been somewhat male at some point, but more so in a tomboyish sense. That extends as a huge tissue, and is described
as a sheet of iron that is hammered onto and deformed, bent to "square bowl" sortof. Then flattened - or whatever. It can
be anything. This is now a time wherein I grew as 'victim to some kind of monotony' I guess, which eventually caused some
agony, and then we get to Room 1 wherein I was allowed to move free of external or internal pressures and thereby took a
male shape. Shortly thereafter I was introduced to Monica, who would seem to have ordered me ahead of that, as I was rolling
in on a transportation rail system thing; Where that male moment is like a bandage on the wound while the way I have grown
has remained. I've seen the picture of a nebula that ... kindof works for me ... err ... Orion Nebula ... says the file name.
You can at the bottom right see something of a humanoid-arachnoid figure; The humanoid part being like a young male caught up
in a female vessel, while the arachnoid bottom can be perceived as a vagina or a wound, a wound at the belly and a dark hole
behind the head. And a cave of solace. On the top right is a demonic figure with a variety of figures.
However so - of what I am my life is then being grown, and that unsuspecting boy, well ... he is a very specific thing that
I would happen to animate, basically. I mean, "you" would put me into it and I would live my life as ... cool with me. The
nerd aspect ... by the way has been introduced by ([)my mother(]) - I guess to emphasize its 'on demand'ness. So, for
me to do some nerd stuff. As 'avatar' to me backup sotospeak. The cooler the outfit the more feminine the character.
So, general Huffington the 3rd and his graceful wife.
Anywaay. Where does all the ... violence and stuff come in?
Well, it seems like the whole plane has to now fit into the small room. That is me basically re-emerging through my new
identity. The choice to be female came with the offering from my mother to be in her place. I guess we then just consequencially
sortof fell together the way we did. With some ... detours here and there it would seem.
My first experience of something like a solid paradise vision has been a transition through realities. Here so situations
densify emotions that are of worth to us, or situations, stories, ... things, and when satisfied we so move into the next
stage. Basically. Satisfying a different aspect, well, maybe just slightly changing something, while being setup in a way
that has an inherant distance to "terminal satisfaction", so - as we keep going to search for the itch.
This so establishes an identity for me around that center of demise; Which in any way however keeps craving towards it.
The Demise now, ... well, I guess it is a consequence of how things came together. It is my nature as it takes shape in
context to a common norm. Here I am driven by fires, basically, and if anywhere, I would start here; As that is where it
basically happens. Although its in another way the consequence of everything.
So, I guess it is at some point also valid to think of it as a design choice. So God wondered how he could complement my
individuality, and I ended up as a fetishized sex-slave designed by God. So ... to speak of myself in the "chambers of
God" ... or his Garden ... I here come to see an extended version of it, more neutral. So, as opposed to "the Garden in
the Realms where Light and Dark collide" (where I am hated by the Light), I'm here more like a doll drawn in the same
sense but more ... in a romanticized way. So instead of hate against me, it is love for my situation therein. I see a
corsett/bra of roses, Needles closing my eyes shut, ... - and that is to complement my situation in a reality of being
a Sex-slave to so and so. I love the idea of being Gods daughter, shoved into a dark corner for some deeply fetishistic
perversion of mine; ... where on the other side the issue were that I'm most likely going to have a lifetime of sex
anyway. "Check". So, how would I want it? I may have a) ..., b) ..., c) ... or d) whatever, where the 'pride of God' in
it were to say that it 'works'. So, my situation with my 'husbandry' is that I have so and so many 'suitors' that I guess
work equally as daddy whereby its 5 or so, maybe 6, primary ones that are at the bottom of "gangbangery" on me. So when
I think of my Sister I also think of her as one of them, the second I guess, whereby ... well, whatever. A variety of
things whereby I'm owned by her and am ... just however not to die I guess, with a closer base to the not so dangerous
stuff. Or harmless at all. Basically. Aside of the ... getting fucked up part.
This is basically the part of me that is into that, as however conducted by them, thats as how we're married together,
where the tiny bit of me that is male and into its mother, who then gets to have a sister or has one already or ever -
also has another mother, and yet another one.
Slow Motion, or, time zoom, ... As I'm entering 'her' reality as her boy - I'm not yet in room 2. On returning to her
place, she basically introduces me to the concept of existing as her pet; Whereby I get to remain in my love towards
her, while serving as sex-slave to "those men there", apparently her family. In some way. That resonated well with me,
thus "impregnating" my male self with female dominance. To celebrate this we had to make sure to settle on terms that
would bind us together, and so I was taken onto a journey that ended with a ring around my vagina, the cognitive ...
gnostic? ... figurative? ... seal and wedding ring for me, consolidating me as pussyfied sex-slave.
In later terms [Baphomet] became a figure that is attached to this journey, and that prior to [Prince of Darkness]
and his Mother (Mother of Darkness? Isis) - where my conceilment of pussification is sealed within my bonding to the
PoD. This thereby also consolidates my existence as Sex Slave. Each of the three gets a piece of me whereby my
existence is as stretched out between Isis (top) and Mary (QoD, bottom) a reality of sexual abuse, where the seal of
pussyfication is settled beneath Mary and is iteratively the summary of it all, transcribing myself to my ... then
probably "former" Mother. While Mary controls me at a depth slightly above my [Seal] - the 'spring' of my male self
also happens subsequent to the female core. Uh ... confusion. Ding. Well, #bullshit. Whatever.
Mary isn't a part of this loop. Mary is on top of my Mothers square in Room 2 and somewhere beneath that. #G would
then seem to own the place.
Well, "hers portal" ultimately emerges in 'my capital' as the pivotal origin of the captivity of said capital to
given force which emerged from it. This manifests in the cities walls and certain spaces dedicated to other
entities. The public squares go to the Prince, the capitals luxury and wellness sites to Mary, ... and somewhere
something with dungeons.
These relationships come together in form of emotions that synergize with each other, giving me a 'form' that
constitutes my take from life. So - emotions that I'm jiving with as I float ...?... through reality. So, each
relationship 'stores' a part of me; Yet ... as from the "Inside perspective" (Room 2) they don't matter in an
immediate sense. So my existence as Sex-Slave within Room 2 is pivotal to it all, while whatever it branches off
into are basically the many ways leading up to it.
Mary now would seem to be "a" Bride of Lucifer, but 'the' Bride in terms of Status Quo. She is above all the other
brides and Head-Mistress of his Harem. As that she takes specific care of the young ones. Here my pussyfication
is an issue of cultivation ... in some sense mendatory ... and that is an independent image that basically pops up
as from the potentials of living a lifetime of sexual activities. As Sex Slave. It solves a question of how I might
get into it, where my raw Status as Bride and Whore of his has it that I allowed myself to get controlled by him.
Or, something higher. Well, the unholy God ... maybe?
That rigid law of evil? !!! The lifeless diety of the abyss.
That is represented by a physical main, chosen to establish its rule of blasphemy through leading the pantheon of idols.
It would seem. So, the Law exists as what God constitutes as 'Unholy Right' - so, the legitimate dark side to the corresponding
Light Side ("of shadyness") - and is respectively lifeless, because God is only one-where in that sense.
One fundamental character of the darkness is a turning away from God, a turn towards other things that are being prioritized;
Well, some of a kind however. It seems as though the 'Pantheon of Idols' extends beyond that, into "Pagan esque" adaptations of
it that may or may not have some loose or strong connection to the dark realm or not. So would there be versions of me, or "me",
some of which might be better represented by someone else.
So, cool. Now I get to see the #G connection in a new context. I did come into Room 2 with a certain emotional expectations
regarding the contents of my abuse, this would seem has then been shifted over to #G, while my mothers circles would retain
me for more ... well ... morbid? passions. That is like a ruse that has been setup against me, so - first teasing me at [Amanda],
making me sign a contract aimed at feminizing and sexually enslaving me, and then turning Amanda into Baphomet and abusing the
shit out of my submission.
Now, how is this composed? - I'm led to ask.
The main idea is that all motions that have some purpose within this causality aren't in any real dependence on each other as
they simply constitute as emotional nodes that are part of a wholistic comprehension thereof. So, the stream of emotions is
segmented into pivotal moments that have some vagua narrative linking them together. So, cause and effect aren't relevant
... since everything correlates with everything (in an intricate manner). So can an act of some kind fit into a before 'and or'
after scenario, with slightly different feels to them regardingly.
So is it a question of whether or not I knew what I would get me into when I made that deal with Baphomet, /??/did I?///... yep.
So, and I did. I understood that the consequences for my male self could be devastating. While the arguments of 'my suffering'
weigh in on the positive side of things.
Well, 'suffering' in that sense also works as metaphor for Sex. First of all. The act in its most simplest form can be regarded
as a Form in-deed, one that in its transparency is interlinked to a wide variety of emotional and physical situations. Narrowing
down onto those that are regarded as positive and/or desirable ones, we also have those that converge around a perverted attitude
between participants. BDSM for instance. An attachment to BDSM would in most regards align with an internal wedding that has some
perverted twist to it, and some of them emerge on a "pro social" plane. /cultural extrovertedness.
The "weird" aspect to it is, well, it needs to be named I guess, ... the "scope flip" ..., that is where the inertia is going.
Err ... so, when a 'treat' is appropriate, there is this mind that enjoys itself as it calms down, and therein a unique emotional
correlation can unfold wherein the balances are slightly shifted ... because circumstances.
Err ... where was I? (I'm scared!)
Suffering now more specifically draws ties to a certain range of activities that however revolve around the amount of wanted
sex, while the suffering itself is explained as the consequence of that amount of wanted sex. This is centristically involved
into a norm whereby there is an amount of people that amounts into that amount of wanted sex. Between Isis and the Prince of
Darkness I'm thereby 'built' as girl and sex-toy, ... and? ... ???
Oh, the #G thing. So, the shift of my expectations to her is "convergeant" with that portal in my capital, its "the same thing"
in a sense, though more like individual locations within the same complex.
The needles in my eyes ... err - ... so, err OK. The needles are so in a sense of more symbolic value, as are 'the eyes of
darkness' that happen to me a more substancial force inside of me. Its blinding me in a way, while it here and then sends
signals down my throat, which basically feels like cum that manifests from the darkness I see ahead of me (which is produced
by them).
That again is a building block of my doll awareness, and this takes shape in that my mind is forced into acknowleding it as
my top layer; And upon acknowledging it I feel grasped by desires of rape.
(I mean, sometimes a reward needs to be a reward? Yes! That was the point (anyhow ...)).
... and so ooooooooooon [fade ooooo...u(t)] ...
???
In anyway. What finally 'constitutes myself' are those attractions ... basically ... that shape my female self, err, ... the
... what kind of life is given to me in context to some other person. And yea, well - what I see has to be described as that
of the one and the same thing we could derive two nearly identical images, one is labelled as 'with fire' - and this fire would
be that added amount of pain that would make the events 'truely' disgusting; And while this fire burns in the realms of Light,
it ... kindof doesn't need to burn outside anymore. The suffering is basically replaced by familiar comfort - when describing
it from that angle - and projected into its voluntary commitment that enables others to refer to me as property. The 'parents'
thereby take the initial responsibility in turns of which the act is rape against me.
Now, for the pedophilia. Submitting myself to pedophiles comes from a matured perspective on itself, life and reality.
As my ambitions as have grown over time (as for details, we may get to them later) made me aspire to be a sex-slave, I embrace
a childhood of child-abuse as desirable. It is part of my identity. Part of who I am. Oh cool, I just acquired a ... thing.
Getting raped by a liquid blade tentacle substance monster rock or whatever.
What ???
How does death factor in? [tune of Adams Family] ... red fingernails?
Hmm, have we gotten anywhere with this?
Ah well, yea of course. So - the 'amount of Sex' in question now is a quantity that isn't measured as potential emergeance from
a set of given circumstances, but the amount fixed into the system of a society that is responsible for its enactment.
Err ... when just being loose from earthly restrictions, measuring the amount of passion going into it, sotospeak. So, there is
an amount that is set to happen when certain things are set to occur. And this further "grows" as of itself - ??? ... well,
possibilities emerge that lead to this and that which all culminates back into the same thing.
So, all that in some way is a part of what makes me; And in the end starting on top would now lead me to Gods image. It started
'humble', relatively. Me in rags thrown into the realm of darkness. Therein I somehow grew to be a queen, and the bonds that tied
me into the devils captivity were wedding garments making me Gods 'beloved' bride. I became a sow and merrily embraced my decent
into the abyss I had been cast into. An image of me had been cast into stone, marking Gods absolute determination to focus his
wrath onto keeping me tied up in the darkness forever, eventually beaming my mind onto a desolate rock, chained to get raped,
floating through space, with an onslought of rape projected onto me. Now there is this doll, a girl, basically tied up by thorns,
a pittiful sack of sadness - and now comes the ultimate part: When you choose to abuse/rape her, it generates joy for both ends.
A silly idea?
"Because we can!"?
Hmm ... well. What is the alternative? A world where you cannot ... pardon ... er, we're moving on.
Well, Sex is Sex, ... and as set before, my suffering as child would help constitute my maturing self-awareness. As this is aspired,
same aspirations are already true for the child; Which ... I think ... might take shape as some craving for sex that is irrational
to the child. That however is simply the inner nature in effect that is prepared to embrace the experience in respect to its
anatomy. Since the given 'aged identity' is consolidated through the light and set into "gears of confinement" that is what the
individual will grow up to become. So, the childs awareness is a smaller version of the 'full image' - which would be ever growing.
Along with that comes a grown petlike commitment that is expressed through bondage. It is part of the roots that also are part of
the childs discrimination. This in me further manifests through a pride in wearing my girl innocence as a dress, which were, down
to being grown into a girl identity that is a 'feature' of my mature self.
Thereby the girly innocence is/were to further carry an ignorant attitude towards the types of abuse which are to be suffered. For
as long as it is within the light ...
So is child abuse ... facepalm with a chin-hook ... pivotal to describing myself. Well, it would have to be guaranteed that this
'growth of identity' happens to the point that there is no 'internal divergeance' from the ... consequences. So as stated, ...
while the child would suffer, these would over time grow into the constituted self-awareness - well, an irrational craving would
indicate that ... .
So and so.
So, ... half of this is guessing. Part of it, maybe ... 40 to 45% are 'good guessing' ... and the other half is quasi certainty.
The point is that this growth is set to occur for once in accordance to stimuli and further in sequences of corresponding growth.
Err ... so, these sequences ... yea, shitty way of putting - but, well, the main aspect are 'rushes' ... so, things that go through
the entire body/system - like shockwaves (that then trigger responses and so and on ... sequences).
So, not pushing too far, ... there is something, then ... there is Mary. Or ... "Marys Asylum"? IDKWTMOI ... but, ... Mary ...
[Mary Mary] ... so, we have three potential inputs? 1) Birth, 2) "Degradation" and 3) ... so, these two. No. One is about being
somehow entering from a 'had to be determined' background where others are to enter "as through birth" predetermined, so ...
those two.
Here I oddly enough now experience something as home, ... which yea, I had once before, ... but - while anyhow self-evident in
some ways - but the idea of what this place is ... after all that time, ... its weird.
Its a relatively flat wasteland of cum covering pornography of me in a childhood setting.
I "glitch" around from oversized cock to oversized cock while being pushed to the ground by some oversized thumb while allsortsofstuff
is being shoved into me up into insanity and further.
The "thing" now seems to be that experiences in the matured state have an impact on future childhood experiences; Whereby now an
anticipation of things generates an inherant familiarity that the child would experience, presumably, ... . The bad outcome would be
that the individual finds itself at given age and not at all in tune with the desired outcome. So would there at some point have
to be a death scale of sorts. This is to indicate ... well, in some sense of a curve, how much rape is good up unto what age -
speaking of a point where 'death' is the preferred option.
Bad enough? If we want to not go down that route we totally embrace that situation of despair - that ... being not as wanted ... and
"sell it as intended". ... This ... no ... it really doesn't swing with me!
And there will have to be 'ceremonial victims' that are there to die - and the envisioned rape is to generate insight. Thats a thing
of its own, ... some, ... 'fragment' of this 'place' that is basically all about cultivating sex-slaves from a sentiment of child-abuse.
And ohm, maybe getting fucked insane is part of the whole snuffing. ... ?? -.- omg, ...
Well, how can I vouche for the goodness of 'getting fucked insane'? I mean - its kindof like suicide. And ... ok, ... ... mhm.
So ... oo ... heels with thorned vines growing into my feet crawling up my legs and tearing my bottom apart in access to my pussy.
This is ... it ... it now at least feels good. It makes me want it in a way that kindof tells me that if I were there I would enjoy
it at least as much, ... technically, if ... so and so ... so ... .... I mean, depending on the physiology I guess? Or perceptions.
Yea, that. I mean ... the picture feels good, but ... I don't ... I feel it more ... unsubstancially. ... so ... what do I know?
Rigidity of physical awareness?
Well, the ring now around unsuspecting male self, ... that is substancially bottom stuff in regards to Mary. In a sense we could call
this the ... key-ring that owns it all. The master key. Sortof. More like ... to the dungeons wherein my male self is locked up. This
for once is the impeding destiny, for that male self, in foreseeable inevitability, tieing the male awareness into its female veins.
The amount of sex I would get has a certain non-trivial meaning in all this, and while there might be some play between min and max ...
the 'going on' of those things would be a symptom of cultural health - going by my account. So, ... a status symbol if you so will.
That is me as Amaterasu, ... Pet and Sex-Doll, ... that when let loose grows to acquire those names that correspond to higher amounts
of freedom. Gaia, Athena, Venus, ...
One thing I can 'grasp' now is the idea of vanity as a feature of individuality; And along with those do come other negative properties.
Ignorance and Arrogance for instance. So, debauchery maybe, and decadence. Decadence in a world were everything is more or less just an
asset where the value of anything is most accurately put "rather subjectve" boils down to behaviour ... I would say.
Well, vanity at first however - it would need to be ... somehow grown into me, ... by force - ... to learn how to present myself, and
how to interact with it being a given freedom or something. But ... thats weird. Isn't it so enforced on me and therefore not myself?
Something doesn't add up here.
Well, in pet scope I guess I'm neither, at least. Just some pet. o_o . ^U^. But you can think of Amaterasu as that Baphomets Daughter
prototype or product, ... once a certain ritualistic or ceremonial invocation is given. So, 'producing' the effective entity.
The exploitation of Amaterasu leans towards a superficial sadness that is generated through intimate abuse; Basically pronographically
exploiting her to the theme of sexual deprivation; Vibing ... well ... does this summ up?
Child abuse, growing up as slave, ... extensive child abuse, pornographic fetishes, ... its all a bit much it seems.
At the base it does. So, returning to room 2, the table probably also resembles that portal. The ... implications are the same. Here the
required amount is vague - and that corresponding to the layout. There is the room, which were one event, and the external nodes regarding
husbandry 1-6/A-F, ... - which basically correlate to "the occasional exploit" surrounding a more intimate setting.
This intimate setting is now passive to everything in that it would depend on how many ... get into that place. The places I envision
around it would be alternatives and parallels - I think.
Well, eventually there would come a point where I could shift between being actually prostituted and different forms of abuse, ...
and the 'missing kink' on Amaterasu, could it be that her crying about what is done to be could be part of what makes it ... awesome?
So, something to increase that tune of sadness. Depression. Depravity. Making well, my dog/doll habits my first hobby.
A.k.a.: Consolidated Pet/Legally an Animal.
So for the heck of it to say that I'm legally an animal.
/andoid.
Dungeons are supposed to be helldives, focussed around entertaining the seriousness of the exploitation. Similar is there for my younger
self a situation of being chained to a bed in some room during some party or event. For instance. Well, the more I write about, that I
have to see now, the greater the vacuum ... of reality around it. There cannot be anything in that vacuum now, unless some ... solid
appears and grows denser. etc..
Alias "the Queen" now - the thing that God did to me, drawing that doll image, is ... I ... don't know ... anymore. What - the hell?
Keyterm: Anatomy. What is it? When entering the realm of slavery a lot of that would come to matter; And first up the corresponding
items would appear. So, as the anatomy takes shape, concepts emerge that ultimately converge into comprehension - ... ...//04:54
Weird is right now (2017.11.08|01:35) to me that what I have left off with isn't weird to me right now. I've been through that today
already. Being glued to the screen and utterly incapable of being bothered to do anything. The only positive thing was a video by
Datto showing how to beat the Gauntlet Challenge mode. Weird. It looks so easy, and seeing that I think of how we perform and I, ahw,
its weird. Whenever we were like 6 that had their shit down someone left or no time and what not - ... . OK. Not the only positive
thing it was but it does ... oddly stick out.
Certain ... streams of emotion draw me into the realm of Video Games ... and thats actually an upgrade on previous non-sexual
things of mine. So, instead of going for "Tech" or "IT" I'd now firstly just say Video Games; And that goes prior to Science as well,
but has the funny trait that Video Games may contain all that and more.
And I feel like God has given me the most bossy talents available. With great power comes great responsibility? - Well, however the
case, right now I'm not really feeling it anyway.
So, that does however seem to go into both, male and female. As for that I would note that the Nerd image is possibly not just a
co-incidence. It makes sense when saying that I am or cannot be cool because the way I "compile my passions" is inherantly disassociated
to a mainstream; And the rest would be down to social connections that I maybe don't have.
I'm so however coming in from a perspective where you would ask her to pick the mutt bubble. // but ... well, yea - I can't argue against
that. I was anyhow at some point going to get into that, as I kindof did before. Making it up to her. That thing ... I sense a bit of ...
mumbling whenever this comes up. Isn't it up to me? No it isn't! So on and so forth. But ... there was something else there ...
Well, I can resist or malfunction for once. That is or/and seems reasonable; But whenever I'm coming to write about stuff, that "shit"
is generally getting cleared away. I may have a very serious case that is in some areas compounded of such concerns; And by the time I
get to them these rocks have kindof dissolved into nothingness. And I guess that also helps to say how I end up where I end up.
Video games are certainly new. If they had anyhow been a part of me - they were so in an era where Videogames had not yet been a thing.
Daydreaming maybe. Having weird ideas, asking strange questions. And if Monica chose to ... make that person ... so yea, evidently. But,
how is it her choice? Or is it only to some extent? Hmm ... OK ... yea, ... well.
Lets see.
Maybe not.
//03:35!03:41// So, just had a thought as I was about to sleep. There seems to be something of a disparity, and that is going to be the
next bigger topic. This discussion may as well go on forever. It is in its own way supposed to do so. At certain points ... I mean,
looking at the conclusion of this as what has to stand there in the article leading into this, while this is still ongoing and not
so concluded per se - ... the point is on the other side that the value of these things is to somehow matter in life ... and thats
what matters, not the conclusion. The conclusion is an external thing. It either mirrors the truth or it doesn't. So, right now - yea,
its a little bit ambigous.
However. We so at some point want to settle this, ... and the disparity is now of perspectives. One is to look at the micro-community
and the other at the macro-community. If we get things twisted between the two, we end up comparing apples to pears. In the micro I
... we ... would have to settle on some "beyond closed doors" convention for satanists ... and but and what not and stuff. In the
macro we would look at people as at cattle. For instance.
In the macro community we so work by generalized principles whereby each individual is inevitably involved within some 'identity' -
but the community exists through interactions and one individual can fulfill multiple functions. So, thereby we move into the
micro-community, where the 'actual stuff happens'.
What does and what doesn't work is different for each of the two. In the macro community we need common/official terms around which
we can pragmatically relate to the structure of our society, while in the micro community we need ... well, sympathy? privacy?
empathy? synergy ... . Synergy were the most neutral quality.
What now however happens beyond closed doors, that is in itself the product of the individuals present. Before any kind of normality
emerges, the given conditions have to exist. Those conditions there will first have to be created, so ... thats where we're at.
Macro community concepts would now begin to emerge therein as something of a common sense - to help us categorize. And categoration so
far only applies on those that want to be or have any to fit into. Willingly.
Or so.
As these concepts are 'to be' present throughout society, they contain labels that are generally accessible or systems comprehended
within a certain grasp of pragmatism; As of which we have a macro social flux. The macro social flux from the individuals perspective
is like a highway outside of the own private sphere, and as of that is only relevant as supplement to personal interests. So is the
macro community only an abstract anyway - it is that of us which ... err ... I shouldn't spent too much time on this.
However. The macro-society operates on labels, ... and within an official reach these are to some extent quantified. I mean ... talking
of Cattle. In the micro society we had some couple maybe wherein fetishes lead them into social habits of some kind wherein one sides
commitment may then fall into that category. In the macro society we had infants maybe that are recognized as such and ... and what else
to 'create' than a place to go to?
But so there has to be a place that is officially recognized for something. So, in a sense of the place requiring the awareness of that
which it is supposed to be recognized for. And in the idealistic sense, or 'esoteric grasp' ... I would say ... this boils down to a
common awareness within given grasps of ideology around which people come together, creating their own paradise.
Here we can point a few things out about how that works in context to the whole - ... saying: In peace. So, that of course is paradise.
Or, 'the 'Holy Realm'', 'Heaven', ... or whatever ... I mean. Heaven ... there is that key given to Peter and whatever that Heaven is
doesn't seem to be what we understand as 'the afterlife'. Hmm ... or is it?
We at first want to be Unified - and in that sense we give birth to the Ekklesia. That has a macro social "stem" - while growing from
a micro social root. So, at the moment that is me and at some point I would pass the staff on; Or I would come into a group that already
had somebody I then have to acknowledge basically however. It is then simply down to a graphic or an arrangement of words to recognize
the Ekklesia publicly and the individuals associated with it. What the Ekklesia does, at the very least, is honor the tradition. Its
basically the University of Theology, ... or inspir. "Government of Angels" (realm of light?). (Here the Ekklesia is
shaded from blue to yellow, constituting a slightly more aggressive touch, with partially red shadows and dirty angles).
In a dark tainted green on a sunsetty background, drawn into a perfectly beautifuly idyllic peaceland akin to ancient greece in a really
wealthily saturated green and white setting on a deep blue sky with grey rocks and a lofty deep blue sea.
At "the very least" is this a playground for people with a passion into the Lore of Reality. Into the word. Prophecy. Knowledge Hoarding.
But we here want to be minimalistic. We know that there is a wealth of Knowledge and so we set priorities. We built an ark and layer
by layer organize our full wealth of information. Sortof? ... well, anyhow.
This is now at first a? Micro or Macro? Well. Still Macro. The concept of the ekklesia here is a place that exists as 'social node'
with different meaning to each individual. In the Micro we see each other with 24/7 lives where those that are involved are however
taken there during that time. So, there is a bit of a dillemma.
So, we need a place and time - then we can go on. Our "Unifiedness" cannot come to an immediate expression. Ourselves within are
established/founded on the Light however, so - we don't really need a written law or order/constitution or something for that. //04:48
~ 05:29// But now a 'cold' occurs at some point. Friendships break apart. So, more like a melting, whereby the ice-sheet breaks
apart and makes way for the ocean. Is it just a high feeling? Is that ... ?
We 'got to seek for our own' ... I suppose. But escaping society isn't the right way either. Sometimes it might be. I mean - your life
is your life. You may hold on to your friendships all the while you please; And maybe (potentially, most likely) they will last forever;
But giving in to freedom will demand you to let go 'entirely' ("at least") from the ground up so you can re-arrange yourself into
prosperity first.
And this isn't really a 'leap of faith' thing. The leap of faith is at the beginning of it all, where you entrust yourself to God.
Thereafter, well - its more of a ... well, trust building relationship. So, issues like - ... this and that. All the stuff that
matters but doesn't matter because it isn't except in that place where it finally and only truely matters.
So, there is no point in relationships that cockblock you from being yourself. Says who?
If you feel it inside that you've grown to something that starts to feel a little bit uncomfortable, and want to spend some time
understanding what it is ... what would you do?
If being with (certain?) others, or thinking about it, brought you pain?
So, lets say we create "pocket vacuums of desire" - that is: Our dreams after unification with God. (That is no re-alignment. It isn't
'back to something we once were' - its something new). So, these vacuums would beg the question: Is there somebody ... that? For some
that might be an easy question - others might have problems ... finding a woman that agrees to some pedo action. God could now
technically go and answer those question for us - and to his knowledge there at the very least were something such as potentials.
But so, speaking of bones. This reaction of withdrawal and reinvention would come at point X and be a fortification of certain principles
that have been collected over time as value or virtue. Now, aside of sexual ones - there is more to it. "Volumetric taste", ... ideas
of comfort and order - ... simple stuff. Basically: This world 'needs detail' - and whenever you have something that hasn't been
implemented yet, well, you could go and do that. This is like saying: "The clock that decorates your fireplace defines you". Some corners
might be in motions, others in static, others static.
Now off to another thing. Moving on with the 'mature identity' from childhood thing, ... so, one component of the emotions in play (as
matter to me) has become a bit clearer. This is now from the 'mature perspective' a fetish of submission to rape; And so "the crushed
soul of a child", basically, is something that now can also logically describe the reality of that individual.
This now fits in as example, ... where one side is macro social and the other one micro social.
Speaking of these pockets we create, we might find comfort in an ability to just browse through random stuff. Basically looking for
that what we are missing. Perhaps ... a cup of hot chocolate. Well - "we fight to denie it"? No, I wouldn't say that. Eventually our
consciousness just snaps around acknowledgements; Like - a rubber band springs into existence, binds a few things together and ...
"we're trapped like by one of those throwy rope around leg thingies". Sortof. This in a lesser sense creates clarity and that by
being in some cromprehensible resonance with the light. So, we acknowledge something and then see into reality with a new layer of
self. One that has been lingering around and thus 'blurred' things a little, effectively. So, drinking that hot chocolate I might
think of some fancy underwear, ... ignore it for a while, ... and then - well, what do I know? I can approach it objectively and
let it sink in before I decide about how to go about it, or I resist until I get somehow taken in otherwise.
Like through a mental health clinic.
Where these passions however meet solid grounds, as between two individuals at first but more significantly then in social spaces,
they gain substance; But an individual would there only truely matter ... if it 'can' be embraced. So, we eventually just linger
around until the right thing happens. At that point we want to acknowledge passive interest in some way, and thats where some
'map' of our macro-society would come in handy - plus the 'contemporary' side of it.
So, where we grow our understanding. That also ties into the many labels and categories to then eventually choose from, or, get
inspired by; To which the individual so only needs a micro societal link. And this is kindof how I would end up, as whoever and
however I be, as a Satanic Sex Slave.
If we now gave each other a static home - then this is always just a passive thing. So ... only background. But what is this home
all about?//06:18~14:15//
Well - we could go and describe it as a bubble. Outside of it is its Microsocial environment - and for what is within, well. We
would assume that it is the 'rest' of what we "have"; So, things that were less complicated to establish. When that is the case, it
is counted to the things that are inherantly solid. Like maybe "the place" where we are to look at ourselves as singles.
But does it include work? Well, it would include anything we ... 'acquired'. Its an emotion of life or living, that what I relate
to, where now the things we acquire are related to the way we want to relate to them, ... so to accomodate that feeling.
"Hot chocolate"
Having spent some time now doing nothing ... thinking about how to go on ... I have had to realize that this feeling/situation
doesn't compete with 'the social alternative' as a relationship for instance. And in some sense I can however find similarities
between this and what was in room 1. 'Same stuff'. The thing is that at some point the two are equally valid possibilities,
but, the social ties however do add rigidity to it. So, while this personal feel situation is boldy hypothetical/esoteric,
a spouse would add some significant social heavy to it. So, within all the sea of possibilities that is as a root. A clear
one. Where we begin to speak of marriage, or family, ... anything - maybe - some, ... place however, in space and time, wherein
this convergeance may occur. At any rate we come to ones microsocial base, which now like a heart would want to connect to a
body - or so. Its pumping requires a flux of stuff that needs to come in and out and muscle tissue and bone structure extend
around it into society.
In the picture I get, two rooms conjoin, as the stuff within the rooms is flipped around. 2 become 1.
But however that, right now - that isn't a situation. And while my 'single bubble' is all pleasing and shiny, the reality of
it isn't quite as good; And asking for why, ... well - I can't make any money off of this, for instance - and because this world
only talks money, ... what can I ask for? Wow, a room in some place! Thats cool! Isn't it?
Social Security in action!
Its just that compromises must be made, and that is compromising. Well, we always do - and right now, what do I really need?
I'm AOK!
Sortof. I mean - thing is in transit.
//17:06~21:17//[This weed ain't that good! ... or is there nothing left to ...]
So, speculation - ... how does that work? How accurate can it get? If we can make assessments of past civilizations in a hope for
them to be true, we can make some of ours today as for the future. We don't always need data that backs those claims up to make
them - but of course we would use it to correct ourselves. ... a thought.
Now, who am I writing to? Who is reading any of it? Thinking of it as 'the internet' the entire if 'not nobody' and 'not just the
bad guys' solved away accounts for 'places' that can be individuals but also groups/entities.
If I knew of any I could reflect them 'here' (or in some better spot) and you would know of each other.
... thinking about it ...
Well, it seems like I'm done here. For now at least!//21:37~00:11//I'm confused.
So - what do I need to say? I can very well 'bend' to some public demand of decency, ... we can all do that. We will have to. We,
... don't have any opposing norm. But, what we also do owe to ourselves is that we explore the fancy reality of the esoteric
divine. For macrosocial reasons I believe it is most importantly so that I will be 'assimilated' by a higher entity, in a sense
as would influence my social status as officially recognized. Or not?
Maybe I ... well, I just end up snapping into it I guess?
Management, being a Church thing tied into the ekklesia would now be one way to get going when moving forward in terms of
religion. Management is about managing stuff. I would get a "shadow ID" and feedback about when and where stuff is happening.
At the front end we would have a "Black Wall" - and I'd be a slave looking for a home.
At that point, you can here refer to me - or I want to refer to me as on the open market. We so would get to that point in my life
where I with whatever background came to describe myelf in some synergy with my clarity. So - given that I'm a whore, I were at
some point ready to diversify what is particularly my pleasure thereby. Its one way of confirmation.
As male now I stand there faced with the impression of that man, Pink Bubble, and that resonates with a deep dream I had, plus,
it satisfies my 'given to a stranger' thing. The idea of developing loyalty to a stranger through which my beloved can treat me
as an "externalized object". He is a man because all my intimate pleasures go into women, and because my higher loyalty/romancing
is with prostitution/being enslaved, it is he, the A/1 in my husbandry I strongly suppose (though possibly not of those directly
associated to room 2), ... whom I would be owned by ..., also ... well ... going to be? Supposed to be?
... my darling. I shall be in love with that person, referring to him as my father, myself as son, in love with him, being shunned
and a boywhore.
What we now inherit from all the discussion so far is the 'single bubble's 'stuff' - associated to room 1, stuff that in this picture
would come along with me; As what comes along with owning a human being. Well, claims aside, ... what matters were how deep I'd sink
in. Firstly. Or how deep we go. This ownership can be restricted to a time, or a situation, a reccuring thing; ... and, ...
end of phase 1?//03:42~17:05//
"Black Doors" are a thing now. I've you've read through all the hard parts thus far this concept isn't anything new. The idea is
pretty straight forward.
Well, to start off with it properly I guess we have to keep in mind that within the microsocial reality of these macrosocial terms
we eventually still speak of "macrosocial events" - but more to the point about personal development. So, taking "me", from before
(single bubble), and letting me venture into the sex culture of whatever; What I'd be doing provided we ignore all possible awkwardities
is to become a Sex Slave. How that were to look like is going to depend on culture, first of all. Secondly on the available people.
So, ... what positions are there for "Slave"? Who's interested? So on and so forth.
We could think of it as a recurring swinger party with roleplay, however thinking of it as of a hobby thing - something that fits nicely
into leisure. So a Slave is simply a person open for experimentation with another person of some kind of dominance oriented interest.
No real order or commitment in place yet.
That is the 'social density' aspect of it. I cannot be more than is possible. I ... I don't want to 'brute force' my way into it. I mean,
I don't have to ... I ... you get the idea. The next thing within the given density is synergy. So, ... the important bit is that for me
to commit to someone there has to be that. This 'inherant' willingness ... or "Lust". Yea, Lust - is it. If we say that it is 'that driving
Force' ... of the Light. The thing that we have. Well, it is Lust because its streamlined towards pervertedness. So, as we have it in
porn or more specifically hentai - well, in Porn or "Sexual Common Sense", words have power. "Call me dirty names" or something. That is
in about the same thing as Anime characters do when they comment on how they 'start to enjoy' their situation. It is in this an inward
'yes' feeling that urges out, a desire to bond. So - a thing where we however are to speak of moving one step further.
What this will be is still down to density. I can be 24/7 into it all the way I want, if there is no time there is no time! Is 24/7 a
thing? Well - thats where the Black Doors come in.
To lay this out a bit further: The first 'thing' for me to think of is an auction of sorts. Here Slaves are being presented to potential
'buyers' - and this already in accordance to synergies. Yet is it still the same in that finally there has to be synergy. That because of
one thing: Romancing. So it seems to me that, well, think of it that way: Being 'legitimately' married to prostitution means that God
"sheds" 'romancing Light' between the individual and its activity - so the whore romances with her situation. This is to create an environment
wherein the inherant 'Slut' there can come out, the consensual alignment to the given circumstance. But more on that later.
So, who's a buyer? Who 'can' buy?
For that we get to look at the 'Satanic Church' thing, where now people would come together and find the ressources to build a Dungeon for
(a) Sex Slave(s) - as part of whatever communal thinking. So its a church thing. This is to however just find a "possible place" for Sex
Slaves; And thats already 'higher density' stuff. So, we're no longer speaking of loosely connected individuals that meet at given occasions.
And one can come from the other. However - the thing is now that an individual that is new and wants to become a part of it will look for a
place of comfort; And getting to the bottom of it we so come to a choice. The Black Door is to say "to never be seen again". That is
about depersonalization, no personal rights - ... at least in theory. Or well, practice. To make this more passable I thought of an
introduction period, and if the person then still is willing to move on, so that. Plus pornography from beyond to just get an idea. Thats
... what its all about. Whether this is a silly idea or not would become clear really soon. Whether its the one side or the other if not
both where the problems are, if we can close the door and say that it doesn't work then ... thats whats up.
In this "Single Bubble" I now ... well, find myself tossed between "Hot Chocolate" and "Black Lingerie" - basically, in the metaphorical
sense. Maybe I'm just "overprojecting" - as I'm slightly uncomfortable right now - but presumably from internalizing these conditions.
I hope. From these there is the problem of self-development. So - independence per se. Ignore what I want or go for it?
Well, I don't need to throw it all away right away, right?
Giving up that "Hot Chocolate"? Well - who says that, anyway?
From a different standpoint there are all the 'other things' I can or could do instead, which might be more productive. And yea, it is
kindof possible to work around those 'inner pains' and pretend everything is fine, but it seems that this comes not without a strain on
the mind. So, the conclusion as to that I am a whore and would prefer a sexual lifestyle is to say that 'here' I would have a way to go
that I would want to go. The rest is its own story.
This story however ignores my relationships. At first. It seems. And that because that topic really confuses me - although, right now
there's a pretty obvious thing. If I think of 'relationships' as of the 'Single Bubble' and say that it is 'unequal' to what I'd want,
well, its bad - obviously. To that extent however that I miss that part of my reality. It bothers me, stresses me, ... and that mostly
because I know I want it, I know what it is that I'm wanting, but I'm not doing it.
Well - can I? If 'doing it' is 'feeling like it' - I can do something. But that goes all down into the same direction and ... if we're
cheating ourselves we kindof know it. Deep inside.
There at some point I think that if someone owned me with some degree of legitimacy that is lesser than that of my 'true owners' - its
not supposed to be as easy for them to just come in and make demands. But well.
Romancing confuses me, but that maybe because I was looking for alternatives where there are none. I mean, from the perspective of me
the idea of being male and covered in wifes doesn't look bad. Just a cliche sample. Less cartoonish were so the idea of simply chilling
out with my wife and being happy and productive. So, it would be nice if we could get some positive Light going in there. This is a
position within me that is ... pretty solid. We could compare it to a part of a rock or a rock of some mountain. Maybe like the Lion
King thing. So, something special. It thereby casts a shadow onto something - the alternative of me looking into it as a woman. While
I cannot solve this issue per se, it is the journey of the female part that eventually takes over and breaks that rock apart. There it
is the positive I get to feel as a female that takes relevance - and has that positive effect that I'm basically wanting for myself.
So then reaching back at my male parts isn't really a thing. There is no point. The rock is broken and there is no need to unbreak it.
At that 'level' I'm married into prostitution, which to me 'says' that I romance with the situation. Its some internal desire to get the
bonds tightened as tightly as somehow possible. Maybe, a little story with context. So the Mother in me is being visited by a suitor who
wants to get his Oedipus kink pleasured. I'm a rape whore, and so the idea is that he came in and I'm somehow his victim. So, I rather
than knowing what he wants relate to myself as Rape Whore and that means that I'll look for some pleasure in that situation which gets
me into that point of feeling victimized. This then ... turns into a demand, thats the romancing part. So, the situation is drawn out to
the own mind - where there is the part of me that 'gets raped' and the other one that enjoys it. So - because of some common sense I get
the idea of the situation and relate to myself as his mother whereby my submissive self, which is the part that enjoys itself, is what he
wants and my raped self is the mask I'm wearing. But it is composed of stuffs I can relate to. So in my mind it can be real - where now I'm
tossing that raped self 'away' and romanticize with him consolidating this situation of me being his victim. Well - 'devotion' -
basically.
Thereby I'm internally bound to my shackles. They are a cognitive anchor. They are what I get to focus on in this process. They stimulate
the feelings and in turn are my 'reference point' for me to internally agree with. But all of this can come in a variety of ways. What
matters is a way to express this, some demand to acknowledge maybe. //18:19