Reality Check 1
So, how are things going? Hmm ... . Something that haunts me in real life is now also haunting me here - something 'burnout' ish. Now - I've been trying to write a few things thus far - but leaving all that aside to be real - my point coming into this is ... that yea, well, actually - this is a sexual revelation all in all.There are a few handles for that. Well - I have to work with what I got and get. And in short terms: Right now I'm working based on what "gets me going", ... and if I were to spin this into a non-sexual direction I wouldn't be true to that.
Well, ... as I so started writing a bunch of thoughts came through my head based on the words I had just been writing - and in a sense I like doing so because it sortof joggs my mind to ... well, deal with things more consciously, as to also get something of a level of sobriety or ... reason ... to "bounce off of". Yet and then ... getting into what concerns me here/now is however a bit ... complicated. Finding words that are reasonable and make sense and do actually tell what I have to tell, specifically, ... sometimes things just have to be named, and one of those handles I got is: Do I need to be sexually humiliated in order to be true to myself as a matter of getting 'blessed' in a sense of writing things?
This to say: 'if', then yea, I have no other choice ... but what if here, and there - and else, and why ... but 'if' - then thats a thing and as sober and reasonable of a statement as it gets.
Maybe the formulation is a bit wrong. Maybe it isn't 'humiliation' per se ... but something about me being open about and pro sex. The deeper meaning is of course however that I can only truely represent the Light properly if I live up to its truth as I 'know' it. Or, if I'm not honest about myself I'm covering the Light that I know ... there.
And there is something 'known' - thats the thing. If I don't know of a thing, how could I ... consider it? But how do I know that what I know there is important?
So the ambition going into this was as much as ... be more true about sex and explain the few things that I got on my mind ... - and the main reason for me to believe that this is the right way is that this isn't the only ambition I had thus far. Well, what is ambition? Now that I think about it ... - there's "ambition-" and "ambition+", where ambition ... minus, though so I should rather say plus then? XP - is 'without emotions', so - only the 'will' - where 'plus' is with passion - that, 'want-plus'. So, something you wanna do and it just ... goes ... ? Well, ambigous. When it gets to programming for instance this ambition thing works a little different. I mean, you eventually just got to sit down and do the work - but that is also a little ambigous.
For instance: Some time ago I was working on some stuff, and at the end of the day had something done - yet also piled up some work that I yet had to be done eventually ... and would be much of a "routine job". So - nothing extraordinary. This is a thing where you eventually just have to "gather" the ambition to do it. But yet I didn't get around doing that work - while yet, the way I work is that I have to just sit down and look through my code and see what I can do next. So, 'improving the whole' or 'moronically doing the routine'? That is the issue thats haunting me in real life by the way.
Whatever. What I mean is that I had the ambition to write about this and that and that and this, but beating myself to it wasn't good - and that then ultimately causes me this "burnout headache". With 'this' ambition however I feel a 'push' - saying: I 'can' write about it. There is nothing set against it. And from working with God I would assume that somehow along those lines God would communicate Gods will to me.
I for instance thought about writing of the sins I've made throughout my life - *caugh* those handful *caugh* - and when bored, that shouldn't be too big of an issue, to at least do something. But if I can't motivate myself to it - and coffee doesn't do anything but keeping me up all night, ... it gets to me that I should be thinking of something different.
I also however do 'decidedly' refrain from too ambitious writings. I get a sense - thinking of a subject or ambition - what it would take. Kindof. When programming I never assumed I would get everything or anything done in just one sitting - its clear from the get go that it'll take time and thought - ... which sounds kindof awkward ... now that I think about it. ...
Well - anyhow, lets just say: Those topics won't run away. Or maybe they will.
So, for the next bit - there are yet a few 'big open questions' - or issues - or ... things that need some more clarification. What I want to write about here is 'the Garden'. From there, since by then "some idea" has "densified", I want to write about that 'density' - while you might then find me struggle to get out of what I have gotten myself into - which takes us back to another "big thing" left - which yet however branches off into a few things, of which this Garden thing here is one. This "big thing" is simply put ... difficult to convey ... as it more simply is: The "public" oor 'common' concern ... which sounds an awful lot like ... me pulling out a joker card. Its at least so that it ... the 'objectively expectable public mindset' ... so, would contain all sorts of 'reasonable objections' - like, you take a look at me just doing what I want and you would say I'm an emotionally driven being and so what I write is emotionally biased "dreck" - sotospeak. Its of course a somehow reasonable asumption. Looking for a reason why I'm doing what I'm doing - and blaming it on psychological health issues. You can't autonomously tell whether or not that were a right or wrong thing to do. Here more specifically - the problem, yea ... I guess the easiest way is to say: Whenever I'm as much 'pro detrement' as that I'm on line with giving up any intellectual ambitions or challenges, well, you "got to" raise an eyebrow. Yet in a sense ... I would really have to facepalm myself really really hard - if I hadn't really just recently remembered that 'praying for awareness' ... I mean, topics do seem to run away ... since ... recently. And thats a good thing!
And so, without even densifying anything I'm already right at the point where I get to 'struggle' - because here yet again, as out of nowhere, came something for me to justify my 'pro detrement' - or: As I was thinking about it I had to wonder: "but what about [that]", where [that] is the progress that I've made so far - and so I came to sit down this morning, and my head was barred from accessing it - so to ask: "what about [what]?". But don't get me wrong. With my current attitude - my current mindset - I totally think I'm crazy, sotospeak. I mean, to say what I got to say would require me to be ... ! Basically. Sortof.
Whatever.
Well, its at this point simply the flow - that I get into the next issue, which is not an 'issue' issue - its just a thing, that I've been inspired regarding some way to get started with a "proper" uhm ... "Identity Wall" ... and so I've done a few things and at some point have gotten a feeling of excitement - and now thinking about how I got there the first thing I find is that I could have gotten there earlier, ... but ... 2 things. 1) I'm terrible at organizing myself and 2) I'm terrible at reverse psychology issues. I mean - its a denial, a 'negative denial' issue. Or, I had the thought about what I was doing wrong present in my mind for quite some time - but - I twisted it and got it the wrong way. Because: The statement that what we expose ourselves to visually influences us is true. I took it as an "offense" though ... so that I would agree to it 'while' rebutting it - saying that thats the point. Would I have a properly working scientific mind and were better at organizing myself I would say: "These are the things I got, and now I got to slap them onto a canvas and see where it takes me". Later down the road people should experience less and less trouble to do their gig - while with my current results I'd say that: We naturally denie to ourselves all the things that we cannot proerly connect to. "Self establishment" is all about getting to your clarity and then to expand from that, step by step. After all - what you'll create is supposed to work like a mirror. And if you don't like what you see - you'll scrap it. As I might want to scrap this:
This is what I get to when simply trying to wrap up my clarity, just the things that directly connect to it - and ... stick ... but ... thats not really the main thing.
We need to at first have some kind of norm - and while I could just pull a few things out of my arse I'd much prefer a less authoritarian solution.
But yea - so, clearly - consider these things a draft - or inspirational material - or, a way for me to get feedback. However.
The issue wasn't that I didn't have pregnancy or snuff material to look at - much more that I thought that I'm pretty much done. That I couldn't really squeeze out any more insight. And when thinking of it, there is this one drawn image with the pregnant bride, tear-washed make-up and a cake in/at her vagina ... which is/was in my eyes suitable to reflect what I feel "harmonic" with. But so the image, no matter how appropriate, only shows what it shows. Thereby: I would rarely use that picture straight away - to say: What qualifies a picture for use is a) connects to me, b) that I have something to say/write about it - and c) that in the current context of my concern. So, pictures that connect to me would right away be special picks that would get sorted out - and while I could tell a bit about why I can't ultimately write it out if I don't have some form of a logical entry to it.
With this "avatar" of sorts its however 'simple' - to the point that this is effectively an established 'access node' related to clarity. It is what clarity holds for me - and is at that my 'gateway' to go further into sexual expressions regarding myself. So, this for instance (It starts at the right):
Yet so, the problem with these canvases is that the words you would choose might tend to be a bit too ... "wishy washy" ... in the sense that you can't go at length with something like "a serious explenation". And so ... I mean. We can take that answer too - and then take it to wonder: How real is it? Just as with the one I can come up with here. So on and so on.
It isn't the answer you might want anyway. There is a reason why I would have to answer it over and over again - being: I don't get the question, or, I don't have the answer that answers your 'concern'. But I think I got a little bit closer to that. Let me explain.
I used to think about 'time' when it gets to this ... "very specific issue". That ... the 'densified' idea is in about as much as a fraction of lifetime exagerated into absolutes and infinites, so, pointing out that lifetime is confined in changes and ups and downs and times for this as times for that - where my problem is that I don't have any handles to throw anything into anywhere ... basically aiming to say that (yet: idealistically) it is basically in this concern where all my blank spaces are basically answered the same way. However ... time ... time is relative.
More apropriate however: When experiencing your clarity - you would, I suppose, experience a lot of different things as one and the same thing, following a "tidal wave" of transitions - which so marks your ... "clarity" ... to say: 'tune of life' ... and pictured as moving in a sphere: Some move away from the center, others towards it, and again others orbit around or have their own centers, goals and sources. So at first there's clarity and what it immediately ends up being (all about) - and over time we realize certain patterns - like, more destinct froms and tos. Uhm, "duh", uhm - like, a literal description of a lifetime for instance. But that yet can be from anywhere to anywhere - but then there are those that are more 'definitive'. Anyway. We can so say that there is something we want in 'the end'. And so, please take a look at the palm of your hands ... - what we want 'in the end' is the 'harmony' of things that takes us there.
Let me explain: With this on mind its easy for me to say and stand by it, that I want to be 'destroyed', ... which can be compared to wanting beer if drinking beer is part of your identity. Or driving cars if you are into cars. So, its something I would like to enjoy more than just once. So maybe just like doing the work you like to be doing; Though its someone else doing the ... doing. However.
The big thing is that we want to have a reasonable balance. Which however brings me to the ... "big news" you might expect. So, whats new?
Its nothing really new. The thing that got me excited however is visible to me in hindsight - which is simply put that my canvases now do focus a bit more explicitly on a few things that I so far was used to avoid or push aside. In 'words' its nothing all that new though. Even the avatar there shows it already - everything is lined up for it - and so, once I'm done with this I'm probably going to make some more with a more conscious respect for that.
I had it so at one point that I was thinking about clarity levels - where so for me all comes together in "Level 3" - or in other words: My cravings for rape accumulate reason within a snuff kink. For which I had to say the following:
In that there is no struggle to get 'out' of what I've gotten myself into - but to get you into the same thing.
But so - as all has been said - one new thing was that this Level 3 realization has found its way into my garden, which is - we might call it: Our place of legitimized denial. We simply put what we like into it - its our "paradise/dream world" after all - and at some point I had to realize that it ultimately cannot be in favour of my male side. But whatever.
The idea were to take the garden as a picture of ones refuge - its sacred; And inherantly my garden is crowded with "brides" (slaves and such) - totally in lines of a male fantasy - but to actually 'enjoy it' - ... I had to realize the truth that within any of my male fantasies I somehow "change sides" - and so with letting my female self in my likes for it became 'deeper' - where the process is one of undoing falsely accumulated social norms. So, for while my female identity isn't strong enough - the impressions of a boys paradise don't meet a strong lot amount of denial, and so I would accept it and leave it at that. It then only comes with growing maturity that these male fantasies lost their meaning. Reasonably. If Monica attached to me - it would only be logical to think it as a boys fantasy become true, as, it were obligational to do the thing that man and women do - and to call it a happy ending. But because my attachment to her grows alongside my female experiences - this would only be a "family friendly" way of putting what "we would" actually want.
I cannot really speak for her though ... and in essence I probably have to apologize for invoking their names here - but well.
What I really got to tell you here - is as good to a universal answer as it probably can get. For - what is better for an idea about 'how much is real?' - than something like ... the 'utmostly fringe'?
And so, once more: About Child Abuse.
First of all: I once mentioned that I don't want to be a rapist - which in more detail should say: I am not a rapist - but I have it 'in me' - because I'm with such - so, there is a certain emotional familiarity or baseline. Its like saying that I'm not ultimately a pacifist. I am - for all intents and purposes a pacifist, but my general vibe doesn't ultimately work in tandem with a pacifistic attitude.
There is however a common point where rapists and my kind can come together around the same thing, ... which is we might say: Where the rape kink naturally converges regardless of opposed orientations. And thats starting with Child Abuse while they are not even born yet.
It goes like this: Once a person is labelled "Breeding Stock" we would expect her offspring to be "ours". So, knowing of a pregnancy we connect to the church and ask for whether the child is good with us or not - and if it is - it falls subject to 'our' ways of life. And the offspring of breeding stock - it would at some points come down to rolling a dice.
What makes me say this - is a newer, better way of saying that my mind succumbs under some weird sexual vacuum. Kindof. I don't know if it is a true memory, or from this life - but it is as though my dad fucked my mum while she was pregnant. Its like ... I still can feel the cock bumping against my head. But still, while my dad pulled a lot of stunts to actually earn my hatred - (and by the way: Legitimate incest fantasies 'work' for me as well, that however on a boldly 'professional' basis - and so it isn't really a thing) - if thats what he did ... thats the one thing I could thank him for. Its ... weird ... but ... honest.
I mean - you as an ordinary person would have a lot on mind to be worried about - like, cracking the skull maybe. Well - I don't know about that - I however do have some weird headache from time to time.
The general attitude is hatred. Or, we might say: Masculine. "Doing the hard work and not caring too much about the detail" ... sotospeak. Or realizing that each bump against the head of one of those children is good for them! And the general idea there is that as people usually don't remember their early days that much - its less problematic to rape them as it is with adults, where effectively the idea is as it would seem - keeping breeding stock to just ... do with it and their offspring as we desire.
So, here's the image "in question", or one of them - which is the reality check prior to the transmission earlier.
To now however return to the issue with balance real quick: This 'hate' isn't as boolean of a thing. And I didn't put this picture up because of ... stuff like that. So, effectively we could say, to get the point accross, that we all are individual emotional cocktails. And any attachment for as far as I can tell is based on love - even if we in the end would rather say 'hatred'. I wouldn't say 'hatred' if that led you to believe that its just and simply that - no, this 'hatred' is rather so a way of life - and is only perceivably so called 'hatred' when emotions of demand mix into it. So, it isn't a fiendish thing. In other words can we so say that the picture of a pregnant woman getting absolutely wrecked is a cliche. And that for reals. While this picture would be one in my collection, probably - it really first of all depends on the picture, saying, whether or not it is within the range of the acceptable. Its difficult while mutilation and gore are somewhere within my likes - and yet maybe the devil is here in the details, saying I'd rather be messed up long term than within pregnancy.
Or: Sometimes we want the kids to be alive?
No, well - sorry!
But ... "imagine what paradise must be, if people like me are allowed in" - ... or - ... sorry ... - is it? Or am I this way just because God curses me because I did something wrong?
How to ... tell?
When asking me however - there is the "what I know" - and thereby it boils down to that hatred and what comes from it. [I just hit the bong once this far (well, I smoked a bit prior - ... I mean, ... whatever) To put it into perspective: I can at this point only talk for myself - but the way I get it does it come with satanism, the 'god given' one, that 'God gives' us something ... something along the lines of a rolling a character when thinking of a Roleplaying game like Dungeons and Dragons, to say "Upgrade to Level 1" - so, where we 'begin' (kindof) to have a special trait - or "class". This is where I speak of 'sacred origin' - though that "picture" is only a background to it. And this is good for many things. Most fundamentally it gives you something to live a 'god given' way - as to also say: It allows you to connect to God despite being a satanist. I've written about this extensively before, but more to the point now that includes 'sins' - of course - that you then are allowed to live. And the shame about doing it does contribute to the 'sinful' experience, and also sets a general tone - while yea, that so is satanism.
Not speaking in riddles: I would say that a satanist, as anyone else, gets "these" cans and cants. So, people from the Light side can't attach/connect to the dark and the dark can't connect to the Light side. Or either of thse if you're in the middle. Or both, for that matter. These however come in form of desires - desires that you already have or are concluded by likes you already have - where 'desire' is a broader term ... to however yet dive into the emotional. What you thereby 'can't' is to live against them. Yet because they are 'god given' - something else you can't is control them. You can indirectly control them by for instance doing what gets them going - but if you do that and they won't go/come, ... you can't force it. So - when its there its there - and everything that comes from it is legit.
So the real question is actually one along the lines of: What does this mean for me?
I live at a well frequented street - as, its between two public transportation nodes that are both somehow the main transportation node of this town. The one is at an intercity railroad, the other is the metro. So a lot of people come passing by. For a time there was a mother with her child and on more than one occasion I heard it crying. Eventually that happened multiple times while I was thinking about my pedo kink - and since then the statement that I love the sound of children crying stuck with me. Its a legitimate thing - though, once I embrace it, and I get the 'awesome' feeling that makes it stick is as a rush that comes over me and somehow petrifies me from within while facing a 'shaking horror' sotospeak - where yea, legitimately I'm experiencing this part of that statement from the perspective of the child.
[Matrix: A child just made some noise outside, sounded pretty ... self-confident. And that works for me here!]
Where this is now perhaps where this 'fassade' reaches a critical limit - where I get a feeling of "too much", where its simply a social issue. It can't be done. Well - whatever. That is one of those moments where 'not pushing it' amongst the more obvious answers.
Uhm, whatever. What does it mean for me? Right now - that when I think about programming I feel something hammering against my head. That would be bad - I give you that - if I had a serious attachment to it. Don't get me wrong! I do have something of an attachment to it - but as I experience it right now, well, rather as substance to detrement. I'm not attached to actually finishing it - though I really truely desperately want it. Yea - with words its the same as with images. What I wrote echoes in my mind and sometimes leads to newer insights than those I had prior to writing it. Where - these words do come slower to me than they come to you - I suppose. The feeling of detrement is however closely tied to my allover ambitions - and so I rather embrace the dissonance.
There are times where I get to think that this is all bullshit nonetheless. That these desires are just some echo of my realtime experience, saying ... while I feel treated like shit I get closer to embracing the idea of really doing so. But no ... nononono ... this is just wrong!
Anyhow. Lets put it that way: How to confirm that 'Monica Bellucci' or 'Amanda Tapping' are there the right names put in the right places and not just placeholders - as for, Celine Dion and Meg Ryan for instance? I would someone who could be considered "a Gillian Anderson" - and the other one ... wow, I mean ... Cleopatra actually works! The thing is relatively simple. After they got in - or could show to me that they are in - or so as we simply do the thing together and perceive the connection - the story no longer contains a good vs. evil ambiguity. So it really comes down to how she/they and I "function" together, 'if at all', where if it works - it works for however long it works - where a marital bond is to say that its 'settled' to last forever. Or, in case we're married already - a 're-connection' to it - as based on our effective lack of knowledge - or simply put: the course of desires. Within the latter it is though totally conceivable to ommit the formality - as for as long as God upholds it ... its real. God is after all the one who needs to know. So right away, if we were doing something wrong and a person came at some point with the real privileges upon me - God would shift feelings in accordance to that and so that would not actually present a problem.
The next problem were - in that regard - the happenstance of ... well ... there being a question - like, as though I were supposed to give the/a permission to rape. And this is now one point where that hatred thing comes into play.
Rather than making things up to the physical - there at first needs to be clarity, a.k.a.: A force carried awareness of identity. So - ... stating this, I see a problem with what I got so far. Right now, the thought of Monica is a little bit like a fluffy toy - as, thats how an awareness of her started to grow ... it is the only thought that allowed me to sleep. Over time that however wouldn't suffice - and so I started looking for her within my male desires - as those were the one I was mostly concerned about 'within' all the female abstractions of myself then. At some points then a 'real light' came sparking through - and in that she is the embodiment of my worse nightmares - sotospeak. So, the exact opposite of what a guy might want. Unless he's into being turned into a slut. Or whatever. So are there the moments where my attachment to her really really "takes off" (like, ... uhm, lets call it "the spin" of an emotion - it goes like from <1 to a million rpm or so) - for instance a deep gratitude for being abused by her - yet ultimately converging in the sense that I want her to be the worse thing in my life, "origin of all my suffering" and such. So, there is a clear 'shift' - from her being the cushiony soft pillow thing - to ... the woman that locks me up in a kellar. While the two images are however drastically different - they emotionally fit together. In a sense. I mean, think of a scene where all you see is a loving and caring mother that talks to her son - but you don't hear the words. Is it me that gets what he wants, or she that takes what she wants?
And this shift is what I personally see as the biggest problem - arguing that if we get into a relationship the wrong way, we'll forever be biased to that some extent. But this is so insignificant of a problem per se - while I at least to my criteria have found counter solutions, as ... its only a matter of time. And while we're good we're good! That is one way of putting it. However, this ultimately is only good within this very specific incident. To now speak of that hatred: There are things to come of it - inevitably, I'm sure - that would draw the bigger picture wherein this incident wouldn't matter all that much. Thereby we speak of a society, a culture, a chunk of mankind - an "economy" - that is thereby presumed to exist, while its existence yet somehow depends on 'how right' people have gotten it (be)for(e) them. While then its the next easy step to question: What would we be a part of if that were a thing? So, would she be a part of 'it'? What if not? Attachment over identity? Well, this is where the relativity of time is a story of continuums that connect and separate - to say: We can have both!
But well - I digress. In the still image, so given as an 'equasion' rather than a proposal for real events, the question is: What happens when you put me and 'her' together? If we were both into a wrong thing - and would so be about to both do that wrong thing - we would be doing something wrong. So, that much should be clear. So the question is: Could we be doing that wrong?
And I would say: no! I would even say that instead of it being an issue that gets carried into our attention as for doing it - something of more legitimate substance would be carried into our minds to be concerned about instead. And if we want to say that this is where the missionary work would be done, there were still ... no, this ... is just too bad of a pun ... time for the missionary 'stance' nonetheless. And that is also one for 'balance' - as even so properly served to the 'time concern issue thing'. Yet - and so now back to 'the problem' - where is the transition from to a? Saying, that is now the real concern.
And 'swipe' - what does my 'Zion' picture tell me? In regards of 'Child Protective Services' the close connection between a male and a female side is a (and I wanted/tried to!) highly advertisable trait. This can best be shown on the military Level, where Armored Forces and Medical Aid co-exist on a familiar level - so that any child-doctor who whitnesses indicators worth of raising the suspiousness meter has something of an impact to certain choices he can make. So does, by the way the System is to run at our convenience, the system know which people are registered - and while medical services come as part of the system, at our convenience, children that fail their medical checkups (like not even being there) - well - they 'should' usher our concern. Thats simply fact. That is as uncircumventable of a thing as it gets. Just like maybe that one house down the road wherein people simply refuse to connect to the rest - but thats ... 'then' - where we think of 'real impact' and ... stuff.
So, 'Operative Strategies' or 'Stratos' (Strategic Operations, ... but that sounds kindof ... it depends, sometimes so and sometimes so, ... Stratos is good though) were my pick for naming the high level military we got.
And it goes further. Adults that tell children not to tell anything can't ultimately defy the simplicity of a child, by which I mean - they can be tricked to tell what we should however know. Its just that ... its first of all our 'social seclusion' that allows crime to spread - while it in a sense also shuts down doors that then however even cause the need for crime to happen.
While now there is however so the Stratos re-enforced 'clean' image of Zion ... lets speak about crime some more. Smoking weeeed - isn't really a crime here. But owning it. So ... "duh" ... . And why is it? If you've read a bunch of stuff from me you know what I wanna say here. The problem there is the overly 'monotonistic' or 'monocratic' society. You need a law for some order, apply it onto everybody while not everybody is "built" to comply to it. Like, think about Peace Loving Rastafari - where yea, its in their culture - so - how can "our western Law" apply to them? And how would we ever think it could?
Its like with chastity. Chastity at least works to exalt the ideal of marriage, loyalty, ... glorifying the partnership between two individuals - but good luck trying to enforce that onto everybody.
(I'm sure there are sluts in churches too! I mean - if you grow up you get some parental education and some you rebell against just so - but some things you adapt to. And if that lifestyle works for you it works! There is nothing wrong about a good parent-child relationship! (even if "mostly thats just to the outside" ... whatever))
So ... needless to say: The only thing capable of putting us together in peace is a polycracy.
Which can be considered a 'Structured/Organized Anarchy'.
So - where do we begin? Of course ... "of course" ... with public spaces. But ultimately we also have the divine aspect - whereby the thing begins in the churches.
In terms of what I'm into: I may be able to throw away my dildos, but not the reocurring urge to use them!
And so what we want, at the very least - is now a way to 'get help' if you so find yourself part of a minority. Religion makes it easy for us to socialize. However. I mean - Religion 'means' Bonding - thats the word - so, if you were an Atheist - thats your RELIGION. Or 'un-bonding'. Its kindof like Science which is also kindof like Satanism - but it focusses on different things.
Though ultimately Atheism is to go extinct.
So, once you attach to a religion, and be it the boat building club, you are already 'in' for the company. There is no escaping that without escaping the whole. And so if "my Mother" weren't into what I'm into, I'd go to church to eventually find someone.
This is one way. Lets however say I'm right - with the names I picked - that would simply imply that we can expect much more than just ... lets say ... "this "low-bobbing"". This could for instance imply 'crazy things' to become possible - such as Britney Spears and Monica Bellucci making out, or Britney and Megan Fox. It would at the very least mean that we can to some extent rely on things we see, instead of being supposed to always go the other way.
And this also means that once things become more intimate - or culturally relevant - we would get to various forms of settlements ... or networks. If there is however a specific 'place' where you have to go to 'attach to your religion' - and yea, we certainly would in the lewdest sense at some point also thereby speak of gangbang parties. And if you look at my pictures - and then you think about this, and compare it to a remote villa with only me and her in it, at night and lonely locust makes its sound ... you know where my heart is at. Add a few more people into the house and it looks a little different again. But - that doesn't say that I would still chose her above anything, though, to take that back into the picture - here it makes sense for me to expect to ... well, be what I am. The point is that to be something like a "slave of the house" I need a specific training - and while I wouldn't be that, I would only be brought along. And in terms of slave trading we could uphold interest - while the only thing to care about is whether or not the slave is used properly.
And this for me is an open door into demise. And as for whether or not I say what I say because I'm "enchanted" to do so - that too can be both - while whether or not I still want it - I mean, 'not' wanting it is somehow the point - and when asking for that ... the question is more relevant. That is then the one I can effectively respond to.
I mean - at least in the equasion, ... when given that 'she' has access to that, or frequents such places/events whatever ..., it is effectively the right way to put that I am bound to comply to her will - which is "more than divine Law" by being inherantly written into the most fundamental aspects of my mind - implying my inability to demand anything other than rape - ... - in a sense that basically covers a lot of things that she could do to/with me.
We could, or maybe even 'should' say -Everything- instead of 'a lot' - and that because of the way how choices are supposedly made. A decision like that at least. No doubt could she just give me away out of convenience, while in another take on events she rather just takes me home from time to time, ... which is now as any 'private' thing more open to 'private issues' as the public hub. I mean, yea ... so.
Yet, she wouldn't make that choice if her feelings didn't 'connect'. So, in other words do I imply that she would know whom she would give me to and then feel good about it - in case I then end up being given away to that person. But ultimately I think thats a bit more organized.
So, while satanists ultimately are satanic 'through' a given inability to abstain from 'sin', my kink is to be in the ideological epicenter of all the hatred that emerges therefrom - where hate is the "energy" of sin, in a sense that the law is about love - and sin is the definition of violating that law. I want to accumulate that hatred - 'being a fruit of it' - to 'showcase its goodness'. This 'goodness' is primarily relative to the perception of those within - and respectively should appear as despicable to the outside.
And I am already somehow detached from Videogames. Which brings me to another point. I have a memory of something - and we might call it a dream or vision, but it may as well be a 'pre terrestrial memory'. In it I stand before a gate - well, pretty ironically ... a large fleshy opening ... so, the entrance to the terrestrial world. There I had a choice. It was like, ... I could have been one of a bunch of guys, ... which I eventually later ended up knowing ..., each with a different destiny. In the end it came down to either +Love and a 70something% success rating, or -Love and a 100% success rating. I hesitated because I would want +Love, but wouldn't want to risk loosing. I so looked at God and he basically took me down the +Love road, ... and as an indication of whether or not the errors have been corrected so to say that the chance of success is at 100 were some pictures I drew that I had sent away in a letter. Those were waterpaint images of ... all of the 4? ... Gods/Arch-Angels/Elemental-Chief_Spirits of Cereylla. I think I now understand why that is. These images were indicator for me being 'Nerdie enough' to not end up being somehow 'Anti Videogames'. Though, I don't understand the problem. It suggests that there was a chance for me to turn out that way. Which is embarassing - to say the least.
But I can see where that would be coming from. I then might end up pitching games vs sex - and thereby cause a desturbance of some kind. Maybe I wouldn't even make it this far. Maybe thats the thing. Yea ... thats ... more reasonable. ... ??? Anyhow ... that was ... 2005.
So, the way God can work with it is that the hateful act can be good - as very well sophistically established - so that 'the Love for the other person (giving itself to this hate)' can be an energy of bonding. It is thereby loved for being a subject to hate - and that would make a central part of our culture. And it is in that sense only reasonable that God would send this religions 'Arch Godess' to do the job of bringing it to you.
I were however there to be one who represents this love-hate duality on the victim side,
(please forgive my poor artistry, and the collar bit is possibly bad)
while being in it a reflection of 'LUST' (the bonding energy/force) - and this isn't about whether I'm physically capable or not, but mentally into it. I thereby also happen to be as a prism of LUST, to say that I thereby am 'intertwined' with the gist of given duality, where being into my suffering is so part of the religion.
And the way I feel about it, more to the point of: Not withholding anything. If something is to be withheld, it is being withheld. Which also says that I - ... well, can't have a safeword in the classical sense. Its an odd subject ... its been bugging me for some time, because - while the idea is certainly stupid, something within me rejects it. The idea of having one is entirely against what I want. There is a way though that sits with me - and that is to use it to say that I'm 'there' where I wanted to be. And thats one way of saying how 'the end' for me is just the beginning.
One of my personal worries is that I will be problematic - like, not adapting to it all that well. And for that I would argue we would want something of a legal re-enforcement of certain things, which in this case would translate into a deciciveness about whats going to happen. In another sense is that though just a phase - or a threshhold - from here to there. If it were possible for me to just willingly cancel out - ... well, yada yada bla dee bla, well ... putting it this way doesn't credit my perception. Right now that might however not be relevant; But I don't think I would ultimately want to quit when put to the decision. I'd run from it. Whatever that means for me. And effectively its still the best way to just call it all 'bad' - what I perceive as good that is.
Amaterasu - to describe her from an outside perspective - gave her own powers upon herself to a figment created to subject her to the "epiclimactic LUSTful suffering of hell" - while the existence of this figment is based on her own immortality. Because that figment doesn't have a will it cannot allow this power to be abused against its purpose - and because it cannot be stolen either, this is eternally to be true. It is thereby so, that the agony she dwells in oozes forth from her - as a most ... blissful "dust", intoxicating like a drug, being one of the few "functions" she supports.
The Godess is thereby kept in a state of dizziness - freezing the climactic moment of suffering as the pivotal ideological garment put upon her, satisfying the description of her captivity. These are shackles that disallow her mind to change against a complete embrace of this eternal suffering.
Amongst those that envy her it is settled, that the fact that nobody else can be in her position only fortifies her suffering - which affects them through the strength of the shackles they are bound into. These absolutes are blessings to her worshippers - ... and all satanic weddings do in some way bond into it.
As a Godess she is also a Bride ... as she cannot withhold herself from exposing herself as that to her worshippers. But whoever recognizes her as a Godess - and I suppose every Satanist - also falls subject to the thrall of harassing her.
In essence she is a symbol of sexual suffering - but rather so the glorification of it - and central figure to the satanic expression of Love ... or LUST?
Well, lets ... pick that apart. Satanic Love can here in general come in two ways: Homo and Hetero ... orientational. So, between two dominant or two submissive individuals. Or to not take it into BDSM, between equal minded folks ... with or without gender fortifications. On the dominant side it is this Love wherein the consensus for treating Slaves like they should be treated flows around. In that sense, it is certainly secure to call her 'a' Godess of Love - where hers is just one of the ways to (mis)represent Love.
Hmm ... off to something else. Back to what is good for me.
To really get into the fantasy bit - lets think about Heaven and what I think about when I fully embrace those possibilities. There I would get to being locked up in complete darkness for month, with nothing but a dirty matrace and none of the dirt ever being cleaned up. Alternate lives - with more primitive roles and situations. Being given away for lifetimes - or so and so many breeding cycles - and also, to actually live as 'happy pet self'.
And ... yea ... "Mutilation doesn't quite cut it" ... lol ... to say what this hatred is all about. Or connected to. Mutilation isn't even that big of a hate thing - its, somehow given at some point. Or not - and it wouldn't matter that much. Depends on where you're at. I think. But child abuse, that is where the beat ... plays ... or, the pulse of life ... begins.
Well, the pulse begins earlier, but - we too would begin that early. We would hope to.
This is being done with the clearest of all intentions to hurt the child - it is a decided act of hate. Alternatively its simply a reckless craving - which is also perpetuated through the foundation of hate. Though - I here also see a clear destinction, as - the "ways" of raping a pregnant woman - the 'intention to hurt' more to the point - is connect to a general sensitivity - as opposed to a reckless in and out. Once the child is born however, its simply a matter of how old its going to get.
Wherever however moving away from death as the outcome, which for a given fact isn't really pro life and therefore ultimately not really worth ... oh well.
Taking it slowly though - this is really not about outcomes. This is rather to speak of 'the ways' as the outcome to frown upon. So it isn't about how or when we can snuff someone - first. Although then, ... well. In the idealistic sense all the death isn't good without the rape leading up to it. And so do I disqualify as a human because I'm supposedly "depersonalized" - which is somewhere related to being 'snuffable'. Or how come we can fuck pregnant women. When the life of an individual is so bound to end - is the same as being free to take it there in a number of ways. This is where damage is part of the reality of things.
These things also do grow together - in a variety, I would say, of philosophies - like 'love=sacrifice', for instance.
Ultimately the idea there is to 'build a culture' - or rather so 'the' culture - where these things are being done. Therefore we need people that also stand up for it. But more to the point is there a level of "practicality" - where so, end of the line: If Monica were not into these things and that would in some way take me away from those things - that can be good, but only for "so long" or "that much".
One thing that wouldn't be lost: "That guy who is vivid and has a lot of good spontaneous ideas". Because that guy doesn't exist. I'm ... some might describe me as 'dull' - in a more flattering sense "blunt" - and I generally never have any good ideas regarding what to do. I would even say I am wired against it. I wondered when this story would come in. One of my birthdays. I did get a Playmobil boat - we had guests - the party was going on but I for the heck of it had to let in a bath and play with it right away. Against all complaints.
I think I'm also inherantly careless. Like, what ever works with me, doesn't work with others. I don't want to play when others want to play, or want to play when others rather want me to do something else - basically. And as odd as it may be - being (mentally) mutilated to be like a pet makes me feel better than the excitement from, through and about videogames. But maybe thats ... an outdated side of me, from times where there were no videogames.
These things aren't so important. And thats also what I have to add to anything that I might yet want to do. Maybe, maybe not. Probably, but ... not as a priority, as they are rather so:
Where my 'emotional memory' (supposedly pre-creation) of how things went down is that she used to get fucked by a bunch of guys, escaped, met me, we got together, they apologized, she reconciled, brought me along - and then we figured they might just fuck me instead.
Hmm ... arbitrary throw in time?
Maybe its the dope, or maybe just me - as the echoes of detrement.
Where was I? Amaterasu? "Then there are her 'higher selves'. There is firstly Athena - alias enthrallment to oppression. Next there is Gaia - alias submission into captivity. And ultimately Amaterasu alias suffering by bondage. ..."
Well, anyhow - the way is simple: This ends with my detrement. I mean - I already know the final image I'm gonna place here - as, thats the apropriate one. What now gets to me is ... well ... yet again, how far does it go? Well, how far are ye willing to take it?
For us all to be happy - we need to take it as far as we can, which means - its entirely up to Satanists to lay out and define/describe what that implies. My suggestion were that I eventually will get tortured just for the sake of getting a positive response to proove that point. Once I'm there - so my understanding of it - we can talk about what I'm still capable of. But it is provided that this isn't even an issue anymore, because ... if not yet already, I'm getting there, ... where my eternal identity will be settled on a perfect submission into sexual(ized) conditions, as a female. I just 'can't' see or justify a happy "ending" for my male self. Nothing I thought of so far comes close to anything substancial.
And so there is a 'shift' that ocurred in here - from me being all like 'this is crazy' to being 'that crazy' - and it comes as a result of exposure to specific material, or ideas. It can even be surprisingly simple ones.
And that goes into what I expect.
Something else that however gained relevance is the issue that real sacrifices will need to be real sacrifices - as in terms of gains. At some point simply a formality - that what I am comes to be on sacrifices, which means as much as "conciously replacing one thing for another". That is then about what you are and want. If you want something for keeps, you got to let something else go. But I'm not a big fan of hopeless sacrifices.
Right now I'm only a fan of my ... well yea, suffering. I can in hindsight question the insight/experience, but all in all does my tension grow ... so that I'm ultimately 'excited' about or otherwise craving for ... being for instance "forced to" (then: allowed to) refer to shit as a delicatesse.
And thats how it will go on. No doubt about that!
And the morale of the story is: If you get lost in the detail - it all comes down to hatred - or LUST.
Hatred for better terms - when being not able to properly make sense of what the force is. Or love for detrement. Its kindof ... irrelevant for me.
At this point.
There will certainly come a time where I don't want any of this anymore, as certain as there will come a time where I again do - and both of those are supposed to come together in the same reality - where I don't want any of what I get. It makes no sense to pursue that before the corresponding desires/passions/LUST is there - but once I "disappear" in that "network" ... what I'll be may also be just a figment of horrors. On the one end I want it so much it drives me crazy, on the other end I know that this will lead me to a point where I don't have anything to do and go nuts about doing nothing, at which point I'm basically unable to want it anymore. But that is what I refer to as my "male face" - effectively - the point where I want to do something, where I'm in my male senses, and so get it then 'in my face'.
I'm excited about ... well. I realize: I start to develop a dislike for liquors, although I don't drink any of it - while my metabolism is basically rejecting in about everything I could give it. So I suppose I will end up getting heavily drugged or whatever, as my entire metabolism is in turmoil, there basically being a lot of horrible feelings I wouldn't want for anything - and I'll "cry for it". I mean, as it is: You'd want to rape the shit into me. Just so I puke it out so you can rape something else/more inside. That until everyone is happy. And to extend it - there would be further ways to handle me.
I may not really want to get cut into pieces, but I certainly do find a sense of gratitutde for having been mutilated - just when about to go into the oven. Its a horrible vision - but right away not horrible enough. Thus it is extended - over into the next lifetime. It also comes as a certainty when living in peace with God. And so - once these things are given - then rebirth isn't too far fetched. To control rebirth, we can then at the very least try to ask - and see what happens.
Which brings me to my last male resort. And maybe the bit that leads me to the final sacrifice(s). Based on it I presume I will live in heaven with a male self-understanding despite never being male ever, and in phase two will get a female self-understanding - until in phase 3 ... I get to be what we might call 'the worse case scenario'. Which is also what it is already - but that is so ... more long term.
Where maybe I will be allowed to have a cock.
But in general the rape game continues - as - there is no reason to believe it would stop working. That is, "if it works". "Only one way to find out".
So, my last male resort is 'male pleasure' linked to a 'must'. So, any reason why I 'must' actually have these male pleasures that I so 'must have' - "autosticks" while I have a male sense of identity. The smarter I get, the smarter the excuse, uhm*caugh*, explenation must be. In the end it however turned out so far, that ... this 'must' can even be real, in the sense that I get raped. This is because ... there is this sense of disappointment coupled to male desires - so, the issue were a conflict between wanting it out of desire and not wanting it because of the investment into disappointment. A kind of fate and pain that does however come hand in hand with being a rape toy. What drives me insane - in the good way - I mean, 'really insane' but in the way I like it ... ahm ... am excited for ... or into? That 'catches me (up)' - is a desire for any kind of detrement that I experience. So my withdrawal from relief begins with my inability to really want it. My routines of wanting are occupied.
But anyway ... this is it. I come to an end.
If I get raped as a male then there is no point in talking about sacrifices yet, or it is part of procreating my prison. Otherwise there is no sense to that, and my detrement would be to get feminized without getting any male time; And be detremental in a kellar before you even know it.
Problematic? Well ... that is the issue with these dense states. The things that everything boils down to is "sub-real" -
Well - shift of events? Maybe ... the problem is that I'm weak sometimes - when I shouldn't be. I'm already here, saying what I say - and there is no denieing it - so I might as well show you what I got ... when I made a canvas to show you my desktop. Not my literal sense desktop, but my 'ideal' one. So I came to realize, which wasn't obvious to me, that my 'central rooms' ... OK, what is that? Its more than just a ... suggestion. My 'emotional memories' took place in some sort of semi-plastic environment, ... where there is part A, pre 'her', and there where I met her - that is 'Room A' ... which to me is as my room - if I were her son for instance - where there is the door that leads to that place where she came from ... which to me is a living room-esque place right outside of my room - and later addition to that was that from there it further only went into a "toilet play" esque environment, much as wall surrounding it all, and it all fits the idea of a kellar. But anyway. This Room A is the innermost 'sanctum' - the last bit that could be invaded - and is being envaded - firstly by being exposed to pictures glorifying pregnancy, sex rape and abuse. But mostly focussing around pregnancy, cum and vanity.
And yea, again ... or, not again: its ... an evil evil ... vain vain sin. Its ... like ... I want an excuse to indulge in these vain practices of getting high on porn. Thats at least what works for me as a guy, most definitely. And while at points I really was at the limits - I now want to be there again. (The best thing so far however is the situation that effectively there is no way around putting weight onto the 'must' factor ... though the 'real rape' may be an issue of getting warmed up to it. ... thats the ...) Thing ... about my minds inherant thing ... as, the desire to take rape attaches to anything given to it - and when triggered something has been done right - and then my experience will suffice to my as for on my end to know that this is a thing so that I would certainly give notice when I'm in a need for more. In terms of a party its the same, yet in essence further so to the point that a society is being triggered into certain activities. From curiosity come facts, and with facts we can work. And basically I want to be denied any male pleasures - as I like the idea of sitting on my self-pitty that all I ever had the pleasure of penetrating were prostitutes.
And basically nothing else matters to me. Whatever else I would do - that would only be obligatory - there to be there, being a figurehead and all that ... at which point there isn't much of a difference between whether I'm so or so ... but wait. What about ... the "the ancient of days" prophecy?
Am I not the ancient of days?
I mean - I feel well, ... that its wrong to anticipate that there won't be a day, sotospeak, after the night. So, at least when dust has settled - ... like, if I'm the problem - I'm a problem! I shouldn't be the problem. The truth is what matters. That you have - and if you come to find the true meaning, its true value, you will go out there and preach - I'm just the guy who found it, and this is who and what I am! So probably, by the time this goes around, ... I'm pretty much ... already a good picture of what I'm writing about here. I hope so. I would at least expect some torture videos and some very good pictures of my reality.
And I love God for being strict about it! Who else could then also teach you the real lessons of how bad what good can be!
There's one thing I'm really curious about though. Something that doesn't quite fit and should perhaps raise an eyebrow or two. I wonder: Is Monica like me? There's a place where my 'mother' is however upset about 'my father' for being basically a merciless bastard - which is a fitting image, but something isn't quite right for me. If however - though I suppose there is someone else - then I would 'yay' the fact of comparing to that person, where - in place where she gets to dominate me - I get to be dominated. Yea - a classic!
So - I'm like a trademark item, per se - so - a legitimate 'life stock approval' (quality label). Oh yea, so - I guess ... I have to push it. I ... wanted to avoid it - but - I think what you'll see is some degree of mutilation. Perhaps I even had to eat what got cut off. This is reality as it should be - a worthy counterpart to the bliss of the Light side. And I guess - I want to be a ... darkweb porn star. I basically want to take a sadistic outside stance and just load up what I can - and at this point the meatgrinder is also just a swipe away. So, whatever.
But you certainly won't laugh about me - or maybe you will - but then its settled.
I love God for being ... naughty. I mean, you wouldn't expect it - I'm sure - but, there is a way of tearing down the religious bla bla and taking our different ways as just that ... individuality ... and not only is God from time to time spanking me right out of nowhere - a good juicy dang against my head - or explosions 'in' my head, at one point - no ... he really takes a stance of having fun ... degrading, humiliating and depriving me. Also in a way of "Haha, look at that fucked up bitch!". And once in a while I'm ... off, and he comes at me, grabs my chin and wants to see self-humilating submission and compliance.
Then I bend my head over and feel the collar around and the leash at my neck - going down my spine - and I'm greatful for it.
So, it is this God - who tells you on the light side to look at "us loosers" - sotospeak - in sense of that religion, ... so, where we drift apart as individuals - and yet have a close friend in God; Who on the other side is all into fucking up pregnant women or messing up little kids real bad. Laughing about their misery - or shoving them into the dirt some more. You might see how also seeing God in the other way causes some cognitive glitching ... which is where I come into play. Or my offspring. Demons, devils - figments of darkness. When explaining their existence ... I come into play.
These 'sacred memories' can perfectly co-exist with real ones. The real ones are simply put: real. The sacred ones are simply put: "higher" o r 'deeper' - they just stick.
No mental gymnastics needed!
Don't fall for that! Please! At no point are mental gymnastics really going to help you - and if I put you through some of them, picture the unwinding as the process that is important important - like, I should make that a big fat disclaimer somewhere.
And yea, thats the point ... I mean - what I want to say ... I ... can't do more of 'it' - I'm already there at the bottom of itself. And as I put a question mark up to reflect I get rushed with negative impressions, showing all the things and more wrong about my condition right now (nourishment) - banks against my head - etc.. So yea. That is me - and God. And because God loves me - I'm most certainly going to have a good time being a fuckslut.
I feel like my heart got torn out and replaced by something that pumps agony through my system. And eventually the agony gets embraced by me and turns into pleasure. And I guess ... thats why I usually write so much. I do it until my mind is messed up - and just got to put an end to it because I'm tired.
And that is 'the God' whom I'm naturally expecting to teach others how to handle me - and so the big question for me is: Can people acclimatize to rape? Because thats what I'm asking for. Per se.
And I know the feeling when God really wants to give me a pain that I cannot turn into anything remotely positive - to tell me that I'm wrong. I know that because there was a time where these things haven't really settled well within me - while - by now they did - and that because of that horrrrrible jarrrrrful feeling.
As pierced by glassy spikes, mixed with being turned into glass and crunched through yourself, pierced by spikes of glass while remaining alive. No good.
Anyhow ... so ... important: Within given environments, the violent abuse of children is a sacred thing. Or perhaps better put: An unholy act, sacred in the sense. And that really, at the utmost of it, gets an issue of intercourse with pregnant women - be it rape or not. I might feel honored to be pregnant and forcefully spread my legs to get it fucked. Why wouldn't I? That is to me in deed something good - like, I want it.
Yea, repeatedly so. But ... it stands out that there is an aweful lot of weight on 'what I want' - here, well ... sortof naturally of course ... and so, ... figuring out what you want is most defintiely the best thing you could do.
"Its their right"
CNS-slut-2017.05.18|00:07
Only thing(s?) missing: Well, back and forth, back and forth. One of the things I keep coming back to is the 'total withdrawal' thing - which feels more real rather than not ... but maybe thats wishful thinking. 00:12
