"For instance"

Now - the main thing relevant to me now is that Clarity still grows. The state of issues so far is that - as I claim - things are pretty solid. All that has to be taken with a grain of salt, but ... yea. As we explore these things we eventually get to find some margin of tolerance.

The main thing as to this have been frequent updates all throughout the time; And in regards to what I've written a lot of them haven't made it into any writing. That have been as after the first couple of highly decorated posts prior to this been more specific details about my relationships.


And so - after each writing, be I left with confusion or not, there generally are those little pop ups that confirm my position in relativity to those things that had been on my mind and in that sense would constitute another text the other day more closely underlining those few things that ended up being relevant. Yet I think that that is something I have done before; And is something I have consciously stopped doing. Now however it 'urges' me to give a few things another update; And that urge has been around for some time now.
This urge usually takes me to think about making progress with my software; But that is a bit of a problematic thing at this point. So I end up wanting to do things without a way of doing anything - and that ends up being an awkward state that generally so far forced me to take a nap.


The headline here refers to a case, applied on all the things discussed regarding clarity so far, wherein I ... well. A case and point so far has been that Clarity mostly consists of ideals that in and of themself can only translate imperfectly into any given circumstance. So we for instance have various faces that are each specific to a thing and end up somehow constituting our contemporary self.
So there is a conceived circumstance for me, wherein I end up 'emerging' fundamentally different to all the things relevant to my clarity; And this circumstance is relatively simple as also resembling one fundamental asumption. The first of those is that of binary isolation. So - just ones self and that one special someone. This being its own universe has its own rules that in no way 'actively' depend on any other thing. The only thing that matters is consequencial. So, if that universe were seen as a re-occuring reality along a sequence of realities on a timeline, each preceeding event had in some way at least a potential of influence on this primary one.
When it gets to me and my clarity; One question is that for how I as a person transition from my contemporary existence into that of (one in alignment to) it.
Simply put however am I as a single person a person that is in search for relationships; Since that in essence is what finally makes up any link into any social compound. ... Kindof ... ?
Well - however. As an individual I would have a focus, as of my clarity - but - one is regarding professions and another one is about people. So I can take it by what I am to find a 'place' to be; Or I aspire to being with 'omeone specific'.

Now do I not only think about Celebrities. But, I feel a lot more comfortable in doing so because it feels as the right order. That order isn't necessarily of intimate relevance - yet so there are those circumstances whereon more can happen; And however those relationships unfold is then no longer fantasy. So, having an intial frame of reference then makes those more relevant things clearer - and that again applies for the more intimate concerns.
Here I for instance know of the one I think is the one - and one of my main interests in life is whether or not I think it right and if not who else that one might be - and such. Of course. All about being with that person.

Now has it yet been a dilemma for me to come up with a safe way to pack that into a system. It is at this point fair to me to assume that we will make mistakes inevitably; Even as to suggest that each update of ourse is yet just another mistake. There is however the contemporary truth - and here I guess we would need help to destinguish fact from fiction.

Now - thinking of anything, in this context, is complicated because generally speaking: Everything else is a variable. We cannot 100% deduce from clarity what is up in reality. So, as of the case I was speaking about; The main idea of it is that my environment only consisted of an intimate few and our interest being one of 'non-interaction' with anything outside. So that is just one up from the first fundamental asumption while increasing the amount of people to some degree. The second 'established' fundamental asumption thus is that 'next' higher arc of relationships brought into comprehensive scheme. Hereby now there is an individual and an absolute plane. Possible. The individual one sees the own self in the "center", the absolute one sees a situation wherein each person has a set positioning; And everyone so finds itself in those two plus within every other individual one. So for each individual there is the personal plane, plus the absolute one, plus one for each relationship involved.


[///] //2017.10.15|22:48


So again - starting from my clarity I have to think of basics and that gets me, theoretically, into circumstances that work with me. When it gets to relationships, that is where I've gone wrong the most I guess. Or - it is the basis of failre itself. That because when it gets to me myself - there isn't much of a right or wrong but the one I'm choosing; And I would hope that my choices are settled within realms of reasons. So - a choice once settled by God is I guess 'safe'. Else - there wouldn't be much of a thing.

I might now want to think about it being a temporary state - something I have to go through; To basically just get fed up with everything and puke it out in the end. Sure. The point is that that isn't even relevant.

So - OK, I've been really going deep in terms of myself; And so we would assume that its all irrelevant. But so far it isn't relevant because there is nothing to make it matter. So I am for myself, myself, ... and while there is nobody else ... what does it matter?

Taking any arbitrary person into the mix, what then? Am I the whore? A whore?

Well - asking that, lets think about it: What is my clarity? Well - the point there for me is at first that of having a point of belonging. Something to attach to, or looking forward to - its however some place. Some society. Some structure, group or individual. With that being my concern, it so really depends on the person.


//2017.10.16|17:24


Now - what is this all about?

I have a certain idea, but - starting off with it; I mean - it came off sounding silly. Thus I [///] erased it. Now [2017.10.17|17:33] my mind has advanced a bit further and I see it from another, further off angle. So, the approach here isn't: "So, there's this thing on my mind that has been kindof interesting which I'm gonna now write about for some time and get into details not the heck knowing what the f I'm looking at" - but - "here's that certain idea beheld from a stance of critical observation round about it". Which is, yea, factually a challenge in and of itself. Establishing that spot from where to look at things/it.

Thereby we have the context as spread out so far - and the question there is simply that of interfacing with 'social reality'. The question there is: In how much can we trust that our emotional attachments 'there' are directing us to conrete people? And I have to say: My understanding that there is a variety of plausible ways to see it is basically translating into my own expressed uncertainties and is hereby a corresponding answer saying: Possibly not at all! It is however clear to me that in behalf of my clarity my association to a social reality is less personal. I thereby associate to those parts of me that are comfortable in that 'simple' shell outlined by my clarity; Where so the intricacies thereof ultimately translated into that "slap on label" 'Satanic'. That is at the very least some vague description of these deeper layers of my clarity and are there to express that "spot of certainty" within the more vague "upper term". Here I so serve as slave to an idea rather than an individual; And it should come as too much of a surprise that I as a whore have a certain alrightness with getting exploited; Or to say that ... my intimate conn... well - OK. This is perhaps just some minor detail where now everyone with a clarity ever had some way of defending its position in regards to possible challenges. To me though this is quite where it gets deeper.

So - being as whore now attached to an idea goes well with me "because I'm a whore"; So that here my sexual partners aren't determined by me, but neither whom I serve. The point were that of the satanic body someone would end up on top and thats where decisions about me were made. And I'm comfortable in that situation.

It is now however from another side of mine that things get a little bit more complicated for me. That is that of an individual relationship. So, speaking about Love. Now it kindof dawns to me that ... well, I'll get to that - I'm sure.


Maybe, right away.

That thing I was thinking about is ... how relationships do come together. Or more so: One particular way that has come together for me. It is quite clear - in a sense - and is also an important part of my understanding. So, that I understand myself as Slave is ultimately due to those 'shackles' that I feel upon me. There are those fetishes which drive me into thinking about it - and once clarity has been around to a given extent and so a given fundamental understanding for me to grow it upon there have also been those shackles, which so consist of given insight into 'yes, thats real'. So, formed from personal wishes. Or desires, kinks, fantasies. And sure - I guess the main "fun fact" here is that these 'super meaningful things' can evolve from utter nonsense. Its fun when its fun!
These shackles are a relay to many different things - and at some point there however also is the question: Why are they there? The closest thing to getting to an answer would be to look; But things end up being a bit more complicated than that.

The first thing I saw or see when it gets to them is my #1. We can settle that right here in advance, #1 is Monica Bellucci to me "right now". Maybe a placeholder? Well - do I have a way of being 100% sure? Nope! But the main reason to say it up from is to have it settled and that mostly because in process a lot of ... nonsense is added to challenge priorities and primaries and absolutes and what not.
So for instance does it happen that other times "some 'Catherine Zeta-Jones'" is there; And when in 'sync' with the Light, that is: When these "things are flowing" - there also is some "usual environment" to it. These for instance "such things" that flow. That is as of the Light. There so are environments that get flooded by the Light and so become a thing. And one of those things is that I 'feel' those shackles at their most fundamental within an environment that is 'grown 'towards' Catherine Zeta-Jones'. So the idea that in some basic way I belong to her. Now - this shouldn't be surprising. My situation being one romantic with my #1 also has its background. Eventually we also get to speak of family and friends that somehow add into that what 'normal life' may be amounting to. And here it is quite evident that there 'should be' both kinds of associations: fixated and open ones.

Now is this here however yet just one more in the mix. So, between two options, there now were a third. With all those places being available to me, where would I go? Well, naturally, my #1 of course!
That is simple. That is an anyway! To me however. That is a given. Although - well, certain things actually challenge that.

So is for instance 'Gillian Anderson' another vessel that substitutes something. She ends up being there where my "nether realm" surfaces - where my insider perspective practically converges with an external image or expectation. And sure, this also strongly corresponds with my ideas of what the simple clarity based consequences were about. Gillian only adds an intimate layer to that; And is by that - rather conclusively - somehow tied into that what - needed to be there for me to go to as dictated by my clarity. This however in no clear way. In the end that could be an indepedent fantasy wherein Gillian expresses that higher body in a fantasy that suits us; Where - there we get to a sense of layers - organically. Whatever the case - here's the link for me that drives my destiny. Basically. So - what in the beginning has been vaguely present through those hooks presented by these shackles - has at some point converged into a more elaborate understanding invoking this "Gillian figure"; Whereby she is ultimately also recognized as "she who has full authority upon me" - although, and thats the issue, there are more that would seem to get that. Starting with #1 already; As we'll see in just a second.

When thinking of me and my #1, it is ultimately clear that our marriage fundamentally invokes me to be her Sex Slave. It goes thereby on to say that I rather am to be a Slave of Satan, ... and sure can both things co-exist. When she isn't around, the latter takes effect. Once she is around, the latter constitute towards my identity in that position. So, it turns into background by being. OK. Well.
Yea. Sure. Anyhow.
The conflict more specifically is that my #1 is inevitably my #1. There is a certain place for that. Sotospeak. And nothing can change that. Thats the point. Because of that I so hold memories dearly - so, they can become a part of me in a way that stays relevant. There is a part inside of me that has grown to be something of a map. It settles in a 'first room' by swallowing up a past; And from there it leads on into another one. And that room just is there - being something like a record. It includes my understanding of what has been "prior to this" (one way or another) - while basically resorting to a pre-terrestrial chink to it. ...
Gillian now however is that person my shackles ultimately "swing with" - and aside of a "privacy vs duty" conflict there now even is ... that. A conflict of interest. Which - well, ... is ... now; ... what?

Now, I've figured it out. That means - that which has been growing steadily since has now grown to a point that delivers an answer to those questions. It has been floating around ever since - and if you've been reading all that stuff these items won't be new to you.

Which is one thing to be noted for sure.

First and foremost there is the concept of a wedding being 'formed' into something of a contract; But - think of something like beads, or twisting two threads around each other to make a stronger thread. On the flat surface this has been an image stuck on my mind; And the most ineglectible "hunch" is that there is 'one' 'dot' on top, two threads emerge from that, represented by two further dots next to each other, and now each of the two has a side. Now one begins with wishes and desires - and so on the other side there are those from the other person, and the next step is that of fusing them together. What I had on mind was so a "want and give" scheme. The idea is that there were some idea of the bond in terms of commitments. Its less of a formal necessity as an expression of that which cognitively bolts the two individuals together. Sure is there nothing but pure Love in the beginning; Yet - what has shaped it? Which aspects are prioritized? To me, my #1 is also as my Mother. When now shaking up reality - this aspect were the one most important to me. Therefore so I - as from my side - slap the term 'Mother' onto her. She in place, so I feel, slaps the term 'Girl' onto me. And this is how it continues.
There so was the mention that I inherantly start as male. So, to recap: In this first room I'm male, leaving a past of "abuse" (something I however feel negatively about) behind that however invoked me being female. The 'male' herein is simply my own 'counter reaction' to a "new gained freedom". In this room I'm also introduced to #1. As this freedom has been new to me; I am found to be young. So, a young male. Monica being a matured woman on the other end - so - well - ended up as a mother for me.
This is my position.
The rationality behind me being a girl to her is simple. She gets 'the whole of me'. That young boy is just some "end note" on that what I have been at large up unto that point; While the male is yet to me where I so have "come to my senses" or am given some grounds to cognitively exist. Something along those lines. And more or less - that as time advances this "fortress of maledom" isn't gonna be that anymore.

So however are there those earliest memories that reside within this room and tie my link to Monica; Who in turn refers to me as by my whole. My affection to her is still rooted within this male ground; Yet is my life more than just that.

So, right away, on entering room B, there is a whole bunch of people that right away relate to that female side of me; As in a sense now my male self is locked up in room A.

So, Monicas 'wish' for me to be a girl is now challenging my 'origin' as male. The wedding itself further demands me to submit myself into enslavement; While the demands for my me to be a slave come with Feminization. Getting Feminized and being enslaved are the two primary things here - and they are relatively safe mentions here.
These are for instance and however the two primary 'things' I feel 'as a male'. Thereby, I happen to have a maybe weird complexion when it gets to myself - yet I see and understand myself as female. There is no doubt about it. So I also romanticize from that given aspect - and between me and my #1 this gender specific thing ... is of course of relevance.

So, when I get to label her my 'Mother' - I would at the very next step have to make clear that I thereby see myself as a boy. I mean - at first it is a given as of the circumstance, but once those grounds are getting shook, what then? Well, ... anyhow, I feel like ... we'll be getting to that as of some following items.


There is now this open question regarding my shackles - how to comprehend them; And recently some two things on my mind came together. The one is a rather old idea that links Monica and Gillian together, yet it also involves 'Amanda Tapping'. Here the idea is that I am married to Monica, commit adultery with Amanda; And as of that expose myself to punishment. So - my betrayal allows Monica to demand something for her forgiveness. Or: I am endebted to her mercy. Because this is an elaborate act, sure this is implied. Even so: this "kindof stuff" now has come to make sense as part of my "slave contract". It is part of the 'feminization' part thereof.

By marrying Monica I so must acknowledge that I to her am a Girl. Easy as that. And further that she intends to impose that on me. So - as at this point - by expressively addressing my male position. Further, as it has been with Amanda, the situation there is slightly different. There I experience myself 'expressively' as 'her husband', while however recognizing myself as subject to feminization. So - the 'husband' "is a tranny" sotospeak. So, that is due to things that have so come together as of the Light. When I'm concerned of my education, well, my appearances or functions as prostitute - to cultural standards - ... well, there is that environment which is grown together with her.

Now - the 'new' thing is that Amandas spot there is one of four; Being now 'supplements' to the initial marriage. The rule is only that there have to be equally many points on either side. So, as of our marriage we so make space for further acquaintances as things get more complex - and so here there are 2 for her and 2 for me. The feminization part now goes on to say whom I have to choose - where I also am confronted with a consequence. So, "by acknowledging X at Y I invoke Z upon me". And these are the most basic mind tricks by the way. I mean, by intimately commemorating our most private acquaintances we consolidate commitments that are to cement our co-existencial values.
So by comitting adultery with Amanda I also 'taste of the forbidden fruit' - I engage in a sinful act and thus enter the world of evil. This evil in particular concerns my male persona and its attachment to Monica. Monica being interested in my female side now however is more interested in it - and by the simplest logic Amanda is now installed as 'first component' in enforcing that. However then written onto paper. The next thing is that I have to accept Gillian too; And hereby however it stands that my 'true love' ... feeling ... is shifted over to her. So - this is adultery as well; But now this adultery is comitted on the deepest emotional level where whom I emotionally acknowledge as my true love is no longer my #1.

So - whatever the details; One thing to hold up at this point is that all these 'yet' do cater towards my male identity. I mean - you could see how I as a male individual might be pleased with whom I'm facing. In general, as a male at bottom an interested in women. And despite these choices now being basically setup against my male self, they yet comply to standards my male self would settle; And further does or would each of those deeper marriages also seem to stand on the same basis as this one; So, priming my male self.
And yes - the same is still true for the part where I am a girl.

To round up on this real quick: On the other side I think there are first Catherine; Thereby being basically being about my family or nature - and secondly there would be Britney Spears who at this point implicitly caters to my sense of being "feminized to the public".



So, as time evolves I get a clearer understanding of things that have been vaguely determined before. Now it should also be a bit more comprehensive in which way now these individuals fill in their blanks. From my perspective there isn't a much of space to move stuff around and neither should there be. What Amanda now does here is settled. What she'd be fitting into once taking that position ... is a bit more beyond-ish. Although ... actually she just does something - and this would somehow relate to that position. So - she doesn't need to own "Baphomets Academy" to be in this way related to it. By having access to me she would be somehow a member of it. Whatever.
She fulfills a function - and in which way she does is now her thing. Just as that she at the very least needs to have a thing for those kinds of things.

Now however there is the question: How does Madonna fit in?

She and Britney would have a relationship - and in terms of that, to me Madonna has come first. However - instead of settling on these things I feel like re-opening the case of whats fact 'per se'. So, what can I now mention when giving it a fresh start?




Well - I 'got' tossed back. Back to a point that has been lingering around since earlier in this; And that is that when thinking of the social side of my clarity I get ... well ... 'infatuated' with some sense of slutty self-expression on desires of indulging into those things physically. While writing that, this feeling however travelled down my right leg - and moved somewhat distant. And that is also kindof what this segment was going to be about eventually. "Quirks" of our minds - so, perhaps 'false impressions regarding figures of speech'. Like - when talking of a left and a right side of the brain, the figurative understanding sets it near to factually think of a left and a right side. Then some would go on and talk of a balance between them - and we may have a hard time comprehending because we map this binary picture onto our inner self. In the enlightened realms, well, ... I however get a horribly numb feeling from that. Its better to only think in wholes where now binary situations like that don't matter as areas but points and make up a whole. What comes next to that are layers. And I would argue its better to not try and number them (at all).

So, when I get to number mine the case is a bit different. Or when you would number yours. We have our own comprehension of ourselves and we so stack up in accordance to how we relate to them. So we get to a compound we 'can' safely speak of - which to others must mean that my "such things" are as deeply individual as theirs. So - when we get to look at each other from that perspective, we can easily fathom why it is rather useless to try and fully flex into someone elses mindset. So, what someone else stacks up is something even that person may not fully understand at first - even. The synergy with the divine is a guarantee that there will be some higher meaning to it - and ... well. OK, this isn't to say that we shouldn't be bothered about trying to understand. But hereto we would have a greater gain from understanding the fundamental basics at work there. And it don't get more fundamental than "the truth". Which is ... well ... a transcendental concept whereby ordinarily the highest authority were God, but what transcends God is the higher truth that unfolds from the unfoldings. So, that logic, that quintessential good, thats magically even factually withdrawn from God Hands since it is 'us' who are required to make it happen.

And wouldn't it make sense? If Catherine Zeta-Jones were in-deed that virgin Mary of back in the days; And she is involved into the kinds of things I would think she is, because of being that what she is to me, then the entire sacrifice of Christ gains vailue from a totally new perspective when thinking of what I understand myself being, in regards to her. I mean - I ... strongly relate to her on a base of child abuse, being the abused child and her being a divine mother figure. In essence this is about utterly disrespecting children by shamelessly exploiting them sexually with total disregard for their wellbeing. That is a Kink that I have and an intimate wish of mine. Perhaps that is because it is set to be my nature - as previously discussed. So - Christ then being one of her Children would fall into that category of 'doomed' due to such parenting - and his sacrifice would stand as an acknowledgement of those pleasures. As the entire act of Christs death seems easily perverted to the modern, more moderate mind - it is that relationship to detrement and violence that stands out about ... "this kind of love".

So - that were to suggest that there is a way how these perversions can be good; And so automatically it flows into "the truth" - where, its ... I don't know - I mean, its ... in some way ... still dependent on a plane of normality in reflection to which it does/can stand out as perverted.


So - not moving on too fast; We can now say that Amanda is bound into a spot where she 'has to' make a deliberate effort of regarding the 'feminization' thing. Here we can see how it may even be irrelevant whether or not Monica decided that Amanda had to be there - it in the end just says that this bond has these pre-determined features. So it is however already established for me that 'in the end' of the back and forth between me and her, she also insists on me being a girl. Which is also making way for me being not inherantly female at first.
The way the Light flows now however points to a ... well ... point ... on my leash. We can settle that its linked to my neck - and at my neck it relates to Monica. From there it leads down and then hooks to the right - and there we can note Gillian. Thats how the Light sticks it to me. Gillian holds the leash - and the 'hook point' now however is destinctively not Amanda who fills the space at the top right side of it. So - this is how things start to move and become things eventually.


So - after having rambled on for so long, I get to a place where I would make mention of Madonna. She would be there between Monica and Gillian - and when following in the 'same for both' rule there now someone missing. And although I would here at the very least already insist on that I'm by all ways of looking at it female - they would, if I so assume "Megan Fox" to be the other one, still have relevance to my male self.

Well, this is not to say that I find them to be attractive; But - more in that I create a web of intimate desires that ... "works" - and gives me a sense of ... it all coming together. How it works? Well - its there. At least. And - in direct contrast - or so from the current perception I have - its yet the female perspective that ends up being more relevant to me. So, there's that.


Now, the main Story with Amanda is firstly that of fulfilling my 'wet dreams' of being feminized. She there plays no central aspect for me and rather is just 'that hand' at the side that ... "does stuff" here and there. And that is one thing I want to be more specific about here. The feelings that are relevant here are comprised of various aspects of my image. So - think of a woman with a thin bathing-robe getting into a bath. Flowers with thin long blossoms as deocration, ... in pink to dark red. Redish then. So - with lots of white and a taint of black. And maybe some greens somewhere. However - the thing is that this is an image I get at the bottom - and therein some parts are highlighted. So a spot between the thighs. Some flashes at my fingers and my neck. These flashes are associated to a feeling that is somehow sustained within this "bigger image" - and when it gets to my neck for instance there is some feeling associated to the leash, being held into position, with my fingers being wrapped around restraints and my crotch being a target of exploitation.
This all ties into a white-ish "room" of sorts wherein the concept of slave-training and exploitation, or at the very least my existence as "pet/doll". What exactly? Good question!

Well - the more concrete I can get here, the less freedom Amanda apparently has. Except, well, these things are consequence of her freedom and "violations" of mine. Hmm, well ... it stands clear ... as what it is. Its the latter. But the fact that I bring this up is also indicative of the fact that to me it isn't all that clear!

Getting more concrete at this point takes me away from this central interplay. There so are further things I associate to that Amanda figure - and one of the concepts I wanted to share more openly here is that of 'Baphomets Daughter'. In the sense I would argue that Amanda is Baphomet and I am his Daughter - thereby so imposing some male qualities onto her. And that is something that I do to all of them. One of the conflicts in mind is that about my feminization. So - there is that male strand, given, yet by some matter of speaking the contract implies that my feminization is absolute - and that by acknowledging 'them' I also acknowledge 'that' - and so that I have to pervert my male associations into feminizing ones. Or so - things that establish an alternative for my male self; For me to possibly transition into.


And I guess - its 'overdue' that I recognize this, making way for the idea that I must be some way down the road before anything further could happen. ... well - ... at least its there. Somewhere. On mind.


As Baphomets Daughter I regard Baphomet to be a Demon, and my association to "her" being a transition into being Demonic myself. In the older terms that meant to me that I'm mind-controlled by a Demon - where the Demon however is my female self acting upon/through my male self; Setting the theme for my male consciousness being enprisoned in this cage. This fits in here still. This cage is now that I as Baphomets Daughter am also his Sex Slave - one that is fundamentally trained "into prostitution". So - it is the "epicenter" of the perverted idea of abducting the own daughter for sexual reasons. Here not in the private sense, but one of a more open public grade of abuse.

What matters to me there is that this is a thing that at least works for me in theory. I could say that I am "attracted to being one", whereupon we can now speak of "Baphomets Daughters" as a kind of thing. They exist and basically make the other side of the fantasy possible - but depending on where we stand that is yet another question thrown into the mix.


When it gets to me, I only now find myself able to speak about some of my shortcomings that have bothered me throughout the time in a meaningful way it seems. It seems that the recklessness I have about me, ... that I look so poorly after myself, can be expressed as a symptom of my need for being looked after. The idea is that I am enslaved, and the less that that is being cared about, the more I 'rot away'. My teeth for instance are in a horrible state. I'm ashamed of it, really - but I kindof can't help it. Its here however the symptom I have to speak of. Is it just laziness? Is it there so that people are scared off from sexually exploiting me?
Err ... .
When I think of 'care' - whatever 'moderate' attitude I might have to have about it are 'speared' by certain "gears of light" however; And so they all fundamentally translate into the 'me is pet/doll' way of thinking about it. But - there is a huge downward spiral that comes along with thinking about that - so, we might at this point not want to go that far and so we even get to recognize something of a boundary.


Even so - a conceptual one. Doll - for me - even comes as something somewhat beyond a "Baphomets Daughter" - although, BDs ... I mean ... I have to say that ... I don't know.


Well. Concerning Madonna and Britney - I cannot help but 'recall' "Seal/Rune 1". That is 'after reset', that first of all there is that element which ... well, where I basically relate to Britney as 'her Boyfriend' while finding myself in a female body. There is a sense of exposure that comes along with it; And that sense further draws some of the outlines as for instance that of shackles or an explicit theme of slavery. I so look at myself through the lense of being a girl that is "royally enslaved" to be the bride of someone. From there, up my spine, goes a leash towards someone else whereby I find myself more specifically defined into "the likeness of a doll". This space ultimately "wraps up as" focussed around my female body - or a female self - that is ultimately tieing back into the 'realm of Monica' (Room B) whereby I'm regarded as Sex-Slave. Here the 'second part' of my marriage to her comes into play. So - the first is, between her and me, that I must be her slave and that I'm being feminized. In reverse order. So - whatever the case, that I'm feminized is implicit. Its the end all be all around the implication that its extent is subject to her desire; And the spot of Gillian were to 'extend' the message of its potential abundance.

Now my fetishistic self is satisfied - in some way - and now moves on to focus on Megan Fox. This should make sense. The situation so far is that all of the 5 stand there as Monicas choice, and at which point Madonna gets into the mix is unclear but the position itself is certainly part of the whole slavery thing. So - now that it is again time for me to express my feelings; There - is this side. The innocence. So - I look at my harem of brides, am quite happy about it and now look forward to another one. From another perspective however I have thus far been oppressed - and now yet again have a chance of expressing myself. Between the two is yet another perspective - and here it is from my male self as so far not having had a choice. This would imply all the possible satisfactions that came along - and so yea; Its another way of saying that the specifics are kindof irrelevant.

I mean ... when it gets to satisfaction - it comes long with the 'true Love' aspect that the term 'Mother' is shifted onto Gillian. Now - I ... think ... I ... well. Tensions for once seem to indicate that I need more time with Gillian. ... I mean ... things are distorted ... while, in short terms: These tensions all struggle to get me feminized. Its ... as it is. At its core that is what I am - what I want - and so, the Megan Character to me however "seems to fit" into all three of those roles.

I mean - in that regard - that I 'dare to think' that there is a space for her and me to be either just this or that; And on acknowledging that I'm left to add, before fully accepting it, that feminization is still implied. So - each way makes space for a counter-representation.


Now, lets speak of baphomets daughters again. The question is: when is a person entitled to abduct another? We can for once invoke the branch of Mary. "Children of Mary" maybe - or "Daughters of Darkness" - uhm, ... people that give birth to Sex Slaves period. While we might get into trouble when thinking of it as solely a matter of birthright its certainly somewhat interesting or still a thing period; But more relevant to us is simply the 'concept' whereby we speak of "Mothers of Darkness" ... "solid".
What matters to me then is who those people are that do the impregnating and whatever.


Could it be in their right to abduct in response to their desires? Well - kindof! I mean, on the other side there is the person who would want that; And by doing so it would leave a note somewhere or else would have to hope for it to happen. Once known it'd be silly to reduce the odds to that - well - ... . And since there so is that case of responding to such notes - there is no reason to have it any other way.
So - the idea/fetish of the abducted daughter is 'bollocks'? Well - except we can have that settled up front somehow!

So, this also takes prostitution to another level - and it is one type of prostitution I feel inside of me. This type of prostitution is to me one of many lifetimes, so that each lifetime is basically one individual big chunk of prostitution of that kind where I so could be sold off to be a breeding cow.


[2017.10.17|21:01 - 23:27]


Now - in general we've been through this and as of that things only changed marginally. Nothing worth mentioning. So - thats not the main point here anyway. But still a little something seems missing to round this off.


So - I'll simply go on to say that "Baphomets Daughter" is an 'ideal'; It is one thing to aspire for ...




... and so I want to start this off by ... just moving on.

2017.10.18|00:09

---

One thing I feel is that either way, the more that I grow, the more my clarity takes weight and ... well ... in general I feel that there is less and less 'else' for me to consciously hold on to. And once I inherantly acknowledge this ... it goes 'woosh' and something of a furnace inside of me goes on. Well, that has led to these words, but now its gone. Its ... there ... but not there. The feeling is gone, but the cognitive weight is still present. And right now that presence is underlined by some icy chill. God simply took the usual perception/feeling away. So - here it stands for me that God is in control of that fire.

Is it now so that he 'can' hold it back but doesn't - or that this absence/chill is equivalent to its presence? Well - as said, the conscious weight is still there; And that is what it is. I embrace something, it goes on - and now "all these hopes" I funneled into my weddings starts to flourish. When I further think in favour of my male self, well - I used to see the opposite, but now that outlook is dominated by a decline of interest. The first notion of a positive outlook comes in shape of a feeling of sadness, shock and ... fear - coupled to a collar around my neck. This ... "dirty secret" of mine is very elaborate when it comes from this side - as triggered deep inside through my mental recognition of my male roots. Or branches? Well - however. It however already emerged far sooner in shape of a far more primitive thing. If I didn't mention it so far it is because I stumbled upon it and forgot it somehow. Its a bit odd and ... 'out of the way' in that it is more like ... hidden from the view; As 'being the view itself' in a way. It so for instance emerges as hope when I get to my clarity and think about relationships. I take that hope with me, expecting some way of writing myself into slavery.

The naughty part in me wants to make sure that this slavery is furthermore dark and grim enough - to somehow set some precedent.

The final width of that however depends on those I get/got attached to; Or get attached 'with' as, what matters first isn't entirely settled yet. It is of course the initial question. And while it seems relevant I think I shouldn't ignore it.



Now - I speculate that the closest thing to a 'real/living' Satan we have in heaven is yet another human being - and when thinking of Monica I also get to think of a really epic Dragon; And that is somehow the figure I want to relate to in the big and broad when it gets to the evolution of my 'Girldom'. That is now however beyond the issue. Who she were or is doesn't matter to the point that it is my private interest. In relation to Gillian we could now find an explenation for how authorities line up, but in 'real life', to anyone else, in such a constellation, Monica is just a 'private entity' with certain 'rights' - whereas otherwise I am in general owned by Gillian.

This applied to her as Satan in a sense of ... well ... logic. She would relate to me/make use of me similarly - and have me "deported" to Gillian evenly so. Now it is there the goal to educate and ... abuse me - as two aspects of what determines my value to her. Whether it is his or hers to say is ultimately "nulled out" by a schedule, I would argue.


So - after all things seem to be so: This 'demand' of feminization is to impact my male perception - simply put - and by acknowleding Amanda I get some sort of chills that sometimes stand out more and other times less. Chills maybe isn't the right word. It is however so that while I still hold on to male aspects of myself ... there is some ... stuff that quite effectively draws me in; But once I impose the preposition of having those aspects of myself overwritten in favour of being feminized I feel myself in a position of fright - and these emotions resonate with my shackles, making them stronger and the experience is all in all overwhelmingly positive.

So - nothing new but in more detail; With a better idea.

I would however mostly make it up to "Megan Fox" - or whoever be there. She is in that position where according to how I feel about it 'stage 1' has been settled - that initial package dominated by a Catherine and some Britney on the left side. So - it is after that, my perceived bonds to Britney, that I re-entered Room B in that female condition; Where now based upon this initial idea of feminization my second thing is to be enslaved. That all goes into the feminization part - but that is yet just the part that 'makes me' the slave I am wanted to be; Not yet identical to what I am wanted for.


Now - I feel like I have to get a few things settled; But, where do I start? Maybe by a good hit from the bong and juicy sip of coffee?


Well, it so pleasures me to see that my withdrawal bears the fruit of you being forced to get along independently. So for instance when it gets to the many that aren't involved yet - they could get to see it boldly from the institutional perspective and the Matrix delivers a neat pitch into that direction. So its no longer about me - and the entire purpose of me isn't violated; But even more so cemented. "The One" ultimately has no purpose. The System itself is to work as its own; The one is only there to kickstart it. The one is that medium to the external force that can descend into the chaos of hierarchy and confusion to setup a flag, a standard, as to settle the ground for those who care. And this would work out in the symbolic. If my message is clear and people listened to it then by now there might even be many who worship God in the right manner. These would amongst themselves be a verification of their own; But "the one" is in various situations factually inevitable.

Once the truth is established - 'the one' is no longer needed.

Now, my highest priority is to get reborn so I can get raped by pedophile monsters. I'm also looking forward to being a teenage prostitute - sweet age 16 - where I would basically want that to be as a case example. If so speaking of it as something we can count on - then I would want to draw that picture of me in a future life - at that age - though, I have a feeling that I might be too late for that.

What I want to see however is the picture of a 16 year old girl that has been grown to be a 24/7 whore at that age. I mean - to not be completely insane here: In hypothesis, there now is a threshhold - where we just began to nudge it from 'absolutely no prostitution of that age' to 'possible enslavement at that age'; And the further we so move the pin on 'top' - at a possibly healthy reference age of 16 maybe - or 12 - then 6 - ... we also get to drag those lesser ages along a little. Or so, we would even go to sub zero.

3 is in first place relevant I guess to determine which are to get older than ... 3/6/8/... .


At any rate, right now I'm infatuated in my attraction for pregnant women. That is something that isn't even of my male parts. On the other side now these abstract numbers correspond to familiar emotions. These are spread out before me - and within the insanity of my mind there is a space that wants to be alive for as little as possible - where next of course the maximum amount of joy is important. The main point thereby is so that the goal were to fuck them dead as fast as possible. This in deed is rather abstract; And even further when thinking of the presence of such emotions ... at the right time. This isn't something that has no buildup. But so it doesn't come unexpected either.

However - the longer the child is to live, the more careful we had to be early on.

So - what I'm actually urging towards is knowledge about how these things work in this reality. If there weren't any knowledge I'd gladly volunteer. Perhaps I by now am at a position to perhaps reflect on past experiences - and the question would be whether or not I'd willingly return back into that kind of slavery.
And - so, sure, you would want the unbiased reality of it.

I can sortof relate to a side of me that is in this 'caged up' situation - a girl - that is so, ... "fucked into a corner" that she starts to deflect all and anything and the mechanisms of compliance ... well, may not have been there. Maybe thats the next step; Suggesting that I'm going back there and this time with 'warranty'.

And this outlook wakes me up. "Oh yeah". I mean - I feel like I browsed through a bunch of flyers and now stumbled upon one that in some corner of my mind has been something I always wanted.


Now the main goal is however to keep me 'in there'. Which means - to get me in there. I really wouldn't expect that happening!

Anyhow. What is present and what is future? I would by now think that the future is once a foreseeable path always ahead of us and yet a part that defines us. So, knowing of our future may in deed change our near future; Drawing tighter circles; And while being a part of our present should keep pushing forward.

In recent nights I've experienced this for a short time as moments cast into "the great nexus"; And from experiencing a few things there I now have an upgraded set of values that allows me to recognize those moments as 'absolute truth'. The great nexus thus becomes a seed for our final 'grand ideals' - as filtered out over the course of history - and can become known to us the tighter we produce a foreseeable result. And that of course comes with a tightened relationship to God; Because in the end we're yet free.

Well - in this 'world' I first of all am a happy middle aged woman that has a lovely husband she would absolutely die for. I mean - that is picture frame #1. I'm the woman, she's the husband; And from there it goes on to say that I'm an Android. Or - something as close to that as a human can get. That means that a lot of my psychology is first not mimicing technology but its own type of tech that is derived from human nature. This for instance implements that I can only be used for certain things that my heart allows me to do - and my heart is generally fit into sexual depravity. So the idea that my husband drags me out with me squeeking and thwirling in resistence is actually a good one.

Those were however those pivotal moments that consolidate my mentality within that shell - where "for the picture" I would pose as a middle-aged pregnant woman that is visibly - perhaps by certain android esque features - fainted within being a frequently used sex toy.

Thereby it is one part of me being me, that my - so from the outside looking - 'human nature', so, what is defined as what prevents me from being that android, is something that is scientifically deminished. So, its ... that part of my nature that is actually bad for me. What I think I have to let go off early on is any outlook for anything but sexual redemption. That closes the "moebious "gap"" (or loop) - in that now the answer to too much sex is still sex.

Because of that it should be an 'initial' concern to get me knocked over there - rather than thinking of it as a re-ocurring thing.

The troubles that I see with this 'in general' is the human spine - in this context the the impacts of denied expressions. If I hold any real experience of sexual slavery as suggested - I would have to argue that this is a bigger problem than the sex. The sex isn't one at all. When it gets to that I'm still pretty much a nymphomaniac.
It is a dark feeling whereby some introverted perspective projects its own existence into a state of 'non-existence'. Hmm - the effective feature is that the truth of individual existence takes shape in form of "emergences" that the person cognitively resists, thus basically forcing their entire weight into "hypothetical space" where the individual is 'dense' on realizing its own corruptedness; Which further grows upon ... "pockets of absent light" which can be compared to bones in that they take a solid, passive spot.

The solution to this is a given tolerance for the person inside which ultimately makes the 'best doll' at first still something more of a pet. But, thats 'it'. 'No further'. This has relevance as also being an element of care that has to go in and along with this kink. The pet/doll knows what it is getting itself into - and once settled the corresponding programming is active. What now comes into play as counterweight to the previously screened problems is comparable to breathing. So - it is less of a dead end as it is a simple error of conduct. One part to it comes in shape of something I now get to see as 'scales'. These scales basically correspond to a fortified cognitive evolution established as pleasures in re-affirming its submissiveness - with the motion that the alignment in scales now allows resembling the actual acts of confinement.


So we can think of the motion the individual needs as arising from a potentially static grid of confinements - and if these motions cannot occur we get to that sickness of imprisonment.


This however feels in about right.

With my future self now in mind - the main idea should be that I have been used to extensive group abuse starting at around or up to 13. The idea would be to focus on the 'getting 13' part while then trying to see how long this can be taken. In one go maybe defertilized and in another ... well. Pregnancy ... isn't all that simple.

Within turning 13, the next thing I feel "works" - supposedly - is that being at that age already intimately familiar with BDSM, mouth gags and sexual exploitation. The whole idea hereby is that of me being a family whore - while the basic gist at this point works well with a 'live or die' attitude; Where if an experiment works I live and if it fails I die (because ... thats the better way).
My death then of course would or should fit the preceeding theme.
I guess.

Here now my 6th birthday is a frame of reference to me; And being prostituted to family and friends is an expected norm.

When successful - it is I guess the next step that takes me back to a ... thing. Hereby I find myself as an 18 year old girl that has been growing up 'at home' and is about to get 'sold off' - so as a bride to someone else. There I find myself reluctant although having been trained to be a whore - and that isn't the problem I'm having at all. There is no problem. At first at least. If there were a problem though, I would suggest that it is home-sickness. After all is the familiarity to where I belong an important part of bringing about that future where I'm married happily.

The goal is to so make me more android. And that maybe because android works better with the type of Sex I want. Well - that not being the only one; But ... still. Whatever the Light can enjoy about me I also want to give to the dark, sotosay.

Concerning my life as 'his' bride there is now still a lot of volume it seems that I'm not aware of yet, but there is that 'pivotal' feeling of being happy about it - with the 'next' notable one being the "pregnant android". The theme is also respectively day and night. Or, it ... isn't night yet. Its getting darker. There is a cool but warm glow in the background and I'm destinctively happy seeing myself that way in the mirror.

Prior to that I have come to understand more of "my meta". That while at first I grow up as her child; I then get to be more and more 'his' child and then 'his bride'. Agely similar then. I think this is also me reliving my female origin, which then leads into a 'male endnote' whereby, well, ... whatever.


Thereafter I grow into the grand nexus. As I understand it right now, someone frequently killed for joy. And respective goto relationships for me 'in that sense' get to extend that further into child abuse for instance. Now - for then I beheld another illness. Within these circumstances, beyond the initial passing through the grand nexus, the constant pressure led to an erruption of male 'counter particles' that in turn effectively diffused into my spirit and exponentially grew, inherantly poisoning the continued supression again. After a while of digestion I recognized the solution as delivered within my 'devilish self'. So, that is where "Jessica Rabbit" ultimately emerges with two horns and a devils tail - crowned Queen and surpreme ruler of the [demon empire/lava underworld] - while being owned by my servants. So - it were the same thing. It is hereby my freedom to be a queen that draws a necessary baseline for me to express myself on - and so the 'necessary care' is different to a 'static idea' in that it bends as necessary.

So this 'loop' for me is all about being the Queen - and the many ways of her submission. These are the kinds of things that the Light funnels into the shackles around my ankles, or so - high heels. A fetish for those. They take up the node and their strength is to somehow reflect or something some excess of weight to my commitment(s).

So - simply put: Me serving as an android at that point is in line with me serving with an understanding of disposable and made for pleasure. That can at that point also no longer be primarily tied into rape; Despite it still being what I'm made for. It is only for that reason that I end up in that position. So - it requires a 'legitimate degree of work' to actually fundamentally 'create' this 'type of being'.

In a minimalistic sense this is saying, that 'anything' can be taken from an individual but its privilege of individuality. That is - we can all agree - is a good place to start. So, the fundamental first thing that equates into so much more; And yet despite all the shackles layed upon me, they cannot outprioritize this one fundamental thing. In a more practical sense this is saying that each individual needs a base of individuality to grow upon; And so when taking away something one has to keep in mind that there is not an infinite amount of things the individual has left to go fine with.
Figuratively we could draw this as a fluffy toy that a child slave would have. Eventually that would get ravaged too - but only as a more general symbol to the overarching reality.


What now however constitutes 'sufficient individuality'?

Or - well: How do we move along? The situation: We have a 'vague idea' that we certainly expect to be of greater significance.


Kindof! Right?!

Crazy!




So - individuality is where it all begins. The idea itself implies that we have an inherant impulse that defines us; And there is nothing this impulse cannot substanciate. Sortof. So, whether it be an explicit desire for compromise or a spontaneious spark of something - we define ourselves through living; And what we live shapes how we think of ourselves, ... and if we don't like what we see ... well, thats ... some kind of a not OK thing if you ask me!

When it gets to me you so get to see a whole bunch of solidified stuff already. And for the sake of comprehension the many aspects have to become one at some point. You shouldn't be shocked if my physical appearances don't match that - but to some extent there yet is a strong resemblance.


Thereto there is now one "side" that I basically "get extrapolated geometrically". That means: In the end my clarity is distributed volumetrically whereby now the distribution of weight creates its own balance and imbalance through which a higher degree of organization emerges. That simply based on those factors - disregarding individual relationships; Although - what differenciates an individual from this is a present something of an initial bias which later constitutes the individuals identity. So - relationships that the individual engages in leave their imprint on that. Its kindof a: 'No resources are slandered' thing.

Here now I find myself drawn into a cage of rape, captivity, exploitation - where humiliation turns out to be more outstanding because it isn't quite like anything heard up to this point.


And it is most certainly what my male self needs to worry the most. This so expressed in shapes of humiliating things that follow the general theme of my submission. And 'humiliation' is finally also the term I initially got to associate to the updated spot of Amanda. And so the idea is and has always been that when thinking of me as a 'husband' you find a female sex-slave; And despite its superficialities it has an effect while there is something within me that is put to shame this way.

So - this is one of those things that 'can be done' to 'get working' on my android future. That I will have certain reactions to that work that could be described as reluctant can be expected - while taking an opposed stance to that should be a comfortable position for everyone to take. This humiliation is then effectively an exploitation of that part of me which is contradicted by corresponding parts of my ego - which also functions as 'love for' - in terms of which I can grow familiar with it.


So I get back to that furnace. Woosh. I barely even remember what I was writing, I don't exactly know how I got to it, but I know the furnace. It has something to do with the disvaluing of my male self. With what I've written since then I can express this fire as not quite as deep. The fire itself emerges as consequence from these depths in transition to a less 'specific' understanding; So - "in correspondence to reality" we might say. It is the 'friction zone' we might say; Where the fire effectively is simply that which always makes me want more. Well, it isn't entirely mindless. But it is absolutely doing its thing. Well - I think others will be more qualified to talk about that.

I mean - the fire is there as in contrast to my mortality and sustains a kink of deprivation - which later then on the immortal plane gets an inherantly different value. It so however also burns as desire prolonging for demise. ... [tensions].


Well - humiliating me is so put forth taking me towards my destination. People so draw upon me what they want me to be and I aspire to be that for other than that there isn't much left for me to 'be'. These demands are to me built into the static of my captivity. There so is this part of myself that is 'expected' to be replaced by stuff eventually.
Now - as understood, ... or well - its sortof, not that obvious ... the 'rule of individuality' comes in as basically from beyond, imposing an individual demand that corresponds to the individuals awareness. I think I so can want to be male, but what I get then is feminization; While I cannot want to be male 'plus'. ?? Anyway. This means that my persona evolves - thereby my desires - which simply put adds complexion to myself and eventually turns into a 'baseline' for me to grow upon. "Independent Woman" then meant that I had some ordinary life in some form - whatever story drawn into.

Male seems to now be specific in that there is no ... 'right' other than the biological one which further is bound into feminization. This simply adds to what has been established already. You might now have to imagine my male self to be scared to death while bound into a death trap - and this expression is the decline of that which prevents me from being android. Its like a cloud of smoke that retreats and is eventually reduced to a tiny spot where it is contained safely. I have to imagine it as the red glow in my eyeballs. From the outside to be seen as a distant glow of my 'consciousness'. Well - on the flat surface that is a lie. It is a part of my consciousness that has been shrunk while day to day experience yet makes up consciousness. And this day to day experience is essentially the frame wherein 'enprisonment illness' starts to take shape.
So - we kindof can see it in this sense when thinking of only nothing to fill that nothing that emerges.
The ... next best feeling to describe it though is grief.

Or so. Kindof ... corrosive. ... weird. Anyhow. Irrelevant.

It is from the outside then yet so that my individuality is structured to be an android, where so there is a perfectly artificial structure composed of my free will. Before this can grow, the "anti growth" must first be stopped.


That along the lines I will have to experience rape is clear. It should come as part of my programming; And early on - even before getting my 16th birthday wish granted - I would want to excessively get acquainted to that. So, if 6 were the earliest we settled on, I would experience those 6 years as a vacuum that had to be filled - and basically getting banged to death around 12 fits that bill. The pretext is to start at six - squeeze as much out of that as possible while focussing a climax at around 12, possibly tied to pregnancy and possible breeding thereafter.

In regards to evolution, I see it as after I get that 16th birthday that I feel the whore insignia to really become part of myself; Actively contributing to my mindset and effectively "living up" that Slut part of me.
This is then the consequence of the grown scales - whereby my compliance is grown around rape. Well, that once the scales themselves are tied to it. Or so - yea, good point. The terms wherein I get to express my compliance.

It is that idea, where I get raped and my only peace therein is that to comply with it - while to express my compliance I need to subscribe into deprivation. This should be a stinker for me - since I basically made it clear that this is about Toilet Slavery; And - from a grown understanding it should furthermore be clear that a primary curiosity is to get some tangible sense of that deprivation.


If the 'now with warranty' claim is substancial, then there was something I didn't have before. Was it knowledge? Or insight? Or was it just one more relationship to stretch me out a little further?

Maybe its bollocks. Maybe it never was a problem.

However, as for the solid grounds I deem to stand on, the question is: Which deprived demand could work here? So, suggesting that I would (at that point) do anything to substanciate my compliance - the ... main idea behind Toilet Slavery is that its arguably worse than rape; And it at that insists to become a constant. Hmm - its however ... not that simple. I've tried and tried but kept missing something. Its tricky. It doesn't seem to work if boldly symbolical. Well ... holy fuck.

OK - there is at any rate a 'marital feeling' to it; Which is: A dedication to a weekly feast of feces is something that evokes a bonding feeling within me. This is so recognized as pillar that draws to me what I socially am. So - whatever now else I might appear as, that ritual establishes it to myself.
I suppose that everyone who's into eating shit could trace that to some "desire of subhumanity".

And dominas were one way how the Satanic Empire keeps its slaves happy!


Well, as from my own self, there is a female counterpart to my male side - and that is "the Domina" - and this is that type of Domina that is only a Domina on the Surface. Amanda is somewhere connected to this. It is there that being 'husband' is still legit to the outside; And maybe it forever will be. 'Inside' the reality is different - and the thing is that there isn't really an outside for me. So, its just window dressing.

If there aren't any more comprehensive reasons its simply the 'tune' for me to satisfy my demand for harmony ("with my feelings").

Now, facing my #1 I am quite sure of what I want. I want ... well, I highly appreciate the thought of her being dedicated to my feminization and slave existence - or rather what I am thereof; Where me being fed shit is the equivalent of me saying I'm OK with it. It is based on that, where I ... "anticipate" the need for further clarification - as to say: Where do I stand? The tendency could be towards more or towards less. And what I think I got going for me is more. Here the modest baseline is good and fine - but is that certainly not the intended limit. And I feel or fear like this should be brought to its limits annualy. So, just dull rape and humiliation. And yea - this even fits into the other category of humiliation. Here, whatever I look like there is something I inherit therefrom; And that essentially underlines my slutty compliance.


So - to settle a few things I feel confident about:


Err ... OK, then ... not.

What happens happens.


So, my geometric center is that of an approximately 12 year old female sex slave - while in the greater whole you have to see a matured nymphomaniac who "plausibly" also seeks to express itself through that younger body. This also creates the perversion of pregnancy; Which - is something that also guides my male interest. I'm thereby aware of that being not a thing - which so goes well with the meaninglessness of a male life for me and encourages me to seek death. What however holds me back are the "chains" of life - like the things feminization for instance.
Which are also there for a female biology.
And - where was I coming from to get ... to that?


Well yea - however is there now the '"factual transmission"' or so, what the intricacies of the many relationships do to that geometry. Here I kindof get to think that a 'show' has relevance in that it provides volume that can be filled. Well - speaking of which. One thing I fancied was the practice of dressing a slave up to draw a scenario. So - the 'customer' is provided with some fantasy that the slave is being told too, just to know what she is set up in.


So ... I have a weird feeling around my left wrist. Like - a too tight bond. The thing for me is that I'm basically totally not OK with any type of damage to me - unless its just the beginning of a gradual decay into death. There I however would hope that my ecstasy carries over.

I mean - not that it mattered!


It though reminds me to think about safewords. Now, the main ingredient to androidification, I would say, is that the purpose is being made second nature. But safety there is about preventing the unwanted things from happening.

..2017.10.18|05:00

Which is now the main concern here though I must wonder how I got wound up this far down again. I thought it would be quite reasonable to just focus on my relationships and that that ... well - OK. I admit it. I may have realized that this might yet take me down that far. Well - on another note: It isn't my own 'doing' there where I was writing about that furnace within me. Kindof. I meant to pass that somehow to not get to deep into it - and what "ended up happening" is that I got to a way of looking at it whereby the 'fire' wasn't fire. So are there simply psychological conditions which end up working like fire when put into a certain environment.

In hindsight - however - it all seems - I don't know. On the one side I know its what I want(ed), on the other it seems a little bit harsh, or ... too absolute. To not say off. Why wouldn't I say that? Biases ...

There could be something off though. There is a strong bias towards the extremes here, from my end. So, where there's a limit I'd want to be at that limit, basically as far beyond it as possible. And to me those statements are just a thing of staying true to my desires. Yet from another hand side - well, the thing is that if we have something of an 'ideal' - there is a "norm" a tolerance for it to nudge back and forth. Something as a stressed out extreme either were the ideal, or it wouldn't be.

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[~~~~~~~~~~~|2017.10.19|07:50::]

Now - the ~conclu~u~u~u~usion~ - kindof. So far these thoughts have usually come down to this. It might have seemed like self-deprivation is what really interests me; And well, there are places where I mention things that tell us just that. However - it isn't always my "try" and goal to "achieve" that. Like here where at the very least there is specific notion of efforts to prevent that. However - when doing so it later would always seem like there's a problem. I at the very least am conflicted ... and so far things have shown me in a number of ways how its coming about. So, the problem isn't in there.

On top of that there are the driving forces. What once has been new is now kindof old; And those depths that I now discover are going to be ancient in the future. Well, what is depth? In this sense it is 'progress'. 'Depth' occurs as the condensed reality of our individual minds - which are on top of that its corresponding "control unit" sotospeak.

The simple 'missing detail' to all that however ... its like what I envision "lingering black holes" to be. They float in space and may be there undetected ... one step to far and ... gulp. Its nothing like a black hole though. The real question is: that for how it matters to reality. The problem is that this question is of course being asked again and again - but when I end up writing about how things matter in the spirit again it isn't really answered.

With the right perspective things should however become more obvious.


The way I've seen it, there is a specific importance to the term 'matter'. As in what 'matters' - the term itself 'should' imply that something happens physically. Whenever a thing happens physically, there are forces in play. Somehow. Lets just throw gravity and quantum mechanics in there as well. Energy ~ Force. Mass = Energy. Gravity = ... something with Mass. For 'us' - let me be frank - we 'can' localize packages of energy through mental effort and use them to do certain things with our body. In other words: Our body has energy that is available to its mind. Within the mind, similar processes happen. So for instance do 'tense situations' not come without a history to them. Except maybe 'tensions of nature'. But you should get the idea. What we want we put energy into - and that translates into action eventually. So we sometimes get to forks whereby we may have to choose - what we 'want' vs. what is right maybe. There are these kinds of tensions as well, plus stress is indicative of some more. Conflicts of interest don't seem to have much kinetic energy to them, but dependent on how invested certain people are - there are minds with a body worth of kinetic potential nonetheless. And because humans build networks and use machines (stored/"augmented" energy) - there also is that.


When it gets to the still unsolved issue with relationships vs. obligation, ... well, OK - I mean, is it an issue? Shouldn't private health always come first? Yet what confuses me is that there ... seems to be no alternative. I mean - private health good and fine - ... I don't have it. As for my "obligation" - there a) isn't anyone that I might have any such obligations to because there isn't anyone period, but ... what I mean is that I don't see an alternative.

I technically 'saw' it then just to write that; But now that I get to it I also get to realize the reason why I didn't see it. We could argue that I should seek my value in other things. And pardon. In the chaos of appearances things aren't always clear despite being written in reflection of truth. So, writing about a true thing doesn't automatically cast disambiguity upon our words.

To not get the part about my real life wrong: "I am a vector in spacetime". "I have many vertices accross the many layers of reality". "I exist within multiple frames of reference".

Objectively, or 'superficially', my lifestyle is best described as 'unhealthy loathing'. I have symptoms of displeasure - and on befriending my female side I get hopeful about my future. "A house divided against itself cannot stand" - and me existing in disalignment to myself doesn't work for me either. So, I don't get my hopes up for fame and fortune - I get to realize that something is going to however fundamentally change to the better for me. Then maybe I'll start to look after myself better and develop something along the lines of healthy habits.


This asumption is further supported by the expected changes that come with the hormonal shift. I may not be an expert - but, on the side where I don't need to study bio-chemistry there still is the question for where the mind crosses the gap. So, how does a rash on my skin translate into anything my spirit can conceive? A simple fact however is that our minds exist in a semi-submissive state to physical conditions. That is that 'fatigue' for instance has a negative impact on our mind, though to any 'expected circumstance' there are also always those exceptions where 'willpower' prevailed against the odds sotospeak. This also comes to mind when thinking of Shaolin showcasing certain tricks.
Temperature and Drugs do now however share a common base. Temperature comes with a 'bodily sensation' that coupled to the mechanisms of wellbeing creates awe or distaste which filter out some preference where we might come to cynically speak about 'the addiction to live' when speaking of instincts of survival. And as with drugs, even temperature comes with its own ills. Our search for comfort eventually came at a cost - and whenever I see bananas I can't help but think of the possible injustices it is linked into. The more of a distaste I developped for what Nestle stands for, the more I realized just how many products that brand produces - and how I supported it for a long time without even noticing.
Conspiracy or not - the fact that these things go pretty much unchallenged speaks of the nature of our world. I mean - "are you sure?". How can you be sure? I know how it is. Google is your friend. But if you google a question that nobody has answered yet, what happens? Or what about 'blurred out spaces' on Google earth? You can't tell me that 'we the people' could just waltz into certain places because 'good will'.

And how much now do we see of those things that make up what we live in?

Comfort. It is human error in deed. It is the dark, the corrupt - that defies any attempt at a cooperative order it seems. 'Greed' - I would say. Benefit of ones self above the others. Maybe though a lack of trust in the common wealth. As a believer one must understand that the biblical God is one that grants blessing to the numbers - so, that Gods 'relevance' is for instance that of being 'God to/of Israel' as tribe - rather than God 'of' Abraham. The covnenant that God made with 'them' is dependent on 'their' loyalty to his rules. God would 'bless them' if they succeeded - and the 'blessings and curses' we see in the bible are also generally afflicting people by the numbers. So most prominently the story of Joseph, who in days of wealth was advised to stash up so that in the days of need they had something to eat. While there in deed are those "pivotal players" - like Moses - they still don't truely exist above anyone else. See - ... uh, I meant: they share the fates with everyone else. They are just one in the number of people affected by his choices. However they come. So is service to God also predominantly service to society. We could also describe it as a relationship to "Gaia". The blessings grant us common wealth, and through common wealth we all get comfort. Which is ... in theory.
If you ever venture to learn more about programming, you'll learn that real code has 'actual' meaning. And so the things that 'matter' in reality.


There is both, good and bad in that. Bad is always there - somewhere. That unless we can safely exclude it. I guess. At the very least does the idea of 'comfort' - or if you're "hardcore": 'safety' linger around those same motivations. Churches can be safespaces since no matter how dark under the surface, a clean appearance is one of their main trademarks. They are obligated to stick to a clean and proper public conduct wherein the general mass is relatively secure. Other than that are there however certainly educational imbalances and these create "concentration bubbles" wherein realities converge around pivotal confusions; That when drawn in relativity to a successful attachment to the divine. We can see this in bold regards to nothing but odds. The confusions themself may not be heart of the belief - so any upright Christian would hope - uh, lets put it that way: The story of the apostasy, "the lost Gospel", the mystery of the Apostles, ... all that - that has certain resemblances of failure. So, whatever now there was that worked against it had an effect of some degree. Yet do those "appearances" reveal certain ties to the nature of reality. In that those things aren't perfect - they are tied to the imperfect. So the priesthood for instance. The story of apostasy heavily revolves around the disappearance of it; And its re-surfacing through some Joseph and Oliver, by the hands of Peter ... apparently.
So - at the time of that happening, somewhere in the early 1800s, there were just those 3 "in the light of history" that knew about that; Despite the widespread success of Christianity. And as the 'corruptability' of what emerged by Joseph reveals, there are those forces of corruption that worked against the revelations themself. This - my motivation - is thought up in the context of asking for a solution (any) - when simply reviewing 'Christianity during the early 1800s in America' as "the problem".

OK - Mormonism may not have made any real attempts at being uncontroversial; But does or did it really have to? As some people argue, Mormonism equals absurdity on top of absurdity - and actually it gets even more absurd. Yet is Mormonism a Christian religion that pivotally centers around an independent codex of thoughts regarding the Gospel. It specifically 'expresses' the relevance of the testimony - and the individual testimony further is a central aspect of the Mormon Sunday routine. It is basically church as any other; And the testimony is what holds it together. The truth of the material at hand doesn't matter. It is what people have - and ... thats that! As far as a Mormon is thereby unable to defend his belief - as much is it 'just that' while the rest is pretty much everyday life plus the one and the other "mormon thing".

It is thereby "our" inability to perceive the qualities of Mormonism due to certain "apparent conflicts". So we 'fail to consider' that there are questions and answers that defy potential ambiguity. "Is the priesthood real?". If so, then Joseph wasn't a liar - and ... why ... would we ask that? Because we understand that this is where we get a "different answer"!? So it is one fundamental aspect of Mormon belief that God will not lead his sheep astray. That is basically that one fundamental belief that 'empowers' the contemporary president to function as 'their Prophet'. In a less Mormon friendly way we could say that the Holy Ghost is held hostage, while after all being bound to the institution that hosts this particular Priesthood.

Mormons have been persecuted. They had to abandon their homes and travel accross the States to find a place to settle. Joseph got shot during that time. So - is there 'not' some visible effort to more effectively get rid of it? "Questions upon Questions".


Ugh, so - where do I go with this?




Oh yea. So - the situation 'draws' out that none of us can really be blamed - basically. Given the current situation there isn't really any way anyone could have known any better. "Basically". And that basically creates this 'world' "confounded beliefs challenge each other". The structures I behold of what I envision Zion to be haven't been obvious to me. Think about the concept of a Religion that hosts itself within itself next to others! Hard to envision - for some reason. Well, because of how we have learned things.
Err ... to cut to the chase. The truth is ultimately a very specific thing in that various parts of it are bound to physical concepts such as human entities and their social ways. There so is a physical compound of beings in 'existence' that have intimate knowledge of God. This 'intimacy' gets to a 'physical convergeance' around baptism. Baptism is now an act, according to Mormonism and various instances (or is it just one?) in the Bible, that requires a Priest to submerge an individual within water while chanting a certain form of words. Words imply language, the form has meaning - the meaning transmits the sense. "Hereby I baptize you - Amen" - sortof. It comes in English or whatever language translated into.
The meaning is the form.
So there is specific knowledge that is given by an entity capable of speech. These 'revelations' have then been tied to those who know of them - and this translates into a story then bound to physical facts. So there is ultimately that geological factor that gives us one clear factor of 'chances'. Time and space.



But God has a plan - so does it say; And looking at today we find that global communication isn't not a thing - and something of a centralized distribution of information isn't only possible, the underlieing principles even allow 'us' to virtually become a thing of substance. So as when 'we say' 'we look at something' and it is actually just one author saying so - yet more and more get enabled to share that perspective - and next there is a consumer base consuming it. This base further splits into a "left" and a "right" - or whatever ... saying, ... information however has a virtual position that transcends various geological barriers -. .. err - you get the point.

And it all comes naturally. Even if there were no God - or especially when; ... .

"Who is David?". The Story goes that Saul disobeyed God and God thereafter chose David. If I remember correctly, Saul was told not to sack the goods of the enemy, sheep for instance; But he did. So God rejected Saul and chose David. David on the other hand - he killed two of his own men for killing the person that prevented him from being officially the King of Israel. So, there was that King to those who were loyal to Saul; And there was David if you were to trust Samuel/the Church, whatever. Of Sauls line there was one remaining. But whatever. What I want to get at is the question for what Gods options are if we asked Him to declare a King to us. So - what is Sauls position? God shouldn't have asked him not to ransack those goods? Is that though a King we would want? What qualities should our King have? According to what standards should God choose? Or should He not choose at all? Do we want it to be just a matter of randomness? Was David a good leader?

The way I see it, David was just lingering around; Or ... "hanging out round about Israel/Canaan". Saul on the other hand was already no longer King according to certain sources; Yet managed to basically remain the authority. It is easy to imagine a sort of father-son type of relationship between Saul and David whereby Saul would hold David down by basically pronouncing his own qualities as leader.
The story then has David escape on the fear that Saul might be after his life - as maybe David voiced concerns that Saul disagreed with; Thus sparking the 'who's the King?' Question ... stuff like that.
Couldn't we live in a world where Saul would have never been there to begin with?

What would a book "Hanging out with David" be like instead of ... Judges and Kings?

I mean ... well. According to the Bible is corruption not only present in this world, it is also 'supposed to' reign within it for a set amount of time. And for what purpose?

Well, I would argue that we do like 'rational'. The more the better. We believe in the surpreme dominance of facts so that we like to associate british arrogance to it that pronounces 'proper code of conduct' in each of its shmucky nuances. We don't care to know it all; We however care for its effect.
We like the Avengers and other Super heroes because we can trust them that when they look at a thing they will find out the truth - they will figure "it" out and save the day. To each villain that faces our heroes there is a purpose for the Hero to prevail.

We like the empowerment it brings. We like to see that there are things in place that helps justice to be served. We like the convenience of it. The convenience of being able to trust in the common sense of mutual respect. We like our ability to trust that things will turn out alright.


And so - there is some frames of how things matter.


Something that matters is that within a given frame of reference I do feel ashamed about myself; While there it is my position therein that I ... well, how was that again? Well, there is shame. This shame takes me into withdrawal and if you checked for what I'd do therein you'd next to other thing find my "dirty secrets". Within this withdrawal do I find a meaning of peace that basically 'clicks' in at a certain 'width'; So - concerning the amount of freedom I take. With "so much" time and space I would feel satisfied - whereby I so create my own domain within my withdrawal ... and ... that is that.

I would argue that this is due to my "android parts". Or enhanced by them. By them I am forced to recognize myself within certain conditions while otherwise subconsciously driven to exist in that pretext. In regards to social space I am growing ashamed of myself because my mental processes don't allow me to communicate normally with those around me because intimately, well, sexual thoughts ... dominate everything.
Within isolation I then find enough peace to experience them by which in the end I get to understand myself.


The way I experience myself within myself is pretty much covered at this point; And one way that matters is within the urges to express.
Those are things I want to be known about me - but, only within a specific context.

The circumstances thereby also are quite simply that I'm not expressing myself to a society that is informed about and matured on these things; But I also don't recognize myself as capable of fully elaborating 'it' in all detail. So there's a bit of contraception going on that you have to handle yourself. Possibly.


Now - as of those android parts I do have habits comparable to a cat cleaning itself. Within my 'shameful withdrawal' I so foster my identity - which yea, ... pun not intended; But sure. This shame further exists as I inherantly grow to foster a female identity - and well - this comes with habits that haven't remained unexposed. So do these experiences even further the demand for intimacy - as simply, too little space leads to those kinds of exposures.
Within my sexual fantasies my female side has always been a major thing - and this eventually created the understanding of being in the wrong body as it says. Helped shaping. Its a given thing. A constant reflection about the own self that is in disagreement with the physical. Eventually I should be greatful! And sure. Some of the more negative situations I've been in have opened spaces wherein awesome stuff could happen. No stories without events!

So far I had however otherwise been used to my male existence - but eventually my female self did outgrow that.
This now isn't identical to confessing the details of my fetishes. This is my 'higher self' reacting to the truths within them. So, the higher self here is ... well, our ... mass. Habits. The state of our physical reality. Our individual 'inertia'. So there is me who learned to exist in this world and that entails a "complex symposium of habits" ranging from walking to a wide variety of things. Here I would say the individual is asexual. The spirit is simply put 'consciousness'. Yet here my 'condemnation' is a thing too.

Consciousness thereby settles within geometry. An arranged cluster of ideas can resemble a city; So whenever thinking of something that is located therein, the whole is in some way being implied. And within that 'capital' sense of my consciousness there are 'walls' that resemble of an external force enslaving it.

These further take shape within a deformed amount of lust - which, I think ... well ... is layed out towards ... well. We can't say that more sex equals more sex, if less sex equals to more sex overall. So, thinking about frequency and stuff.

My understanding of myself is hereby basically composed of 'key moments' that resonate with certain parts of my whole - and these resemble climaxes that ... well, transition into each other, basically. In a spontaneous way of simplifying it, I'd say its "from wall to wall". Wall equates into substance - the room itself is 'vacuous space' that exists between the two perimeters.


These internal processes now are "well aware" to me, but for the most part they don't dominate my life; And that isn't necessarily a question of me wanting them to or not. They come to matter to me at times - where they then matter. So - "identity fostering" stuff.

Otherwise I still try to just exist - and as of that I primarily come to writing these things; Because well - I sortof have to express myself, right?

This means that my fantasy side is well satisfied - the woman there is in no position to complain. Its a side-story going on in my head that I basically keep on vomitting out about into the internet. And so for the most part I "endeavoured" to explore my 'male complexities' - by which I mean to think about hormones again and how they affect us in reality.

I would argue that hormones specifically stimulate certain cognitive processes that fulfill some biologically necessitated gender role. What I however experience is that I have a center where I don't necessarily need a gender - and as in the old "Yin Yang symbol" there are two sides to that center. One is 'giving' and the other is 'yielding'. And maybe the hormone balance determines which side basically vibrates for you. As of that I primarily urge for peace, "progenerating" justice. On the other end however I realize within Video games for instance that I don't really play the way I think. This and other ways in which I seemingly contradict my biology.


It is now the thing that 'my male side' has had its way of being. It originally has been in a 'good spot', kindof, supported by heterosexual fantasies; But now it is in a state of decay. It essentially are 'traces of rape' that however occured to me in fantasy, basically - though otherwise I for instance suggested that my transition is inevitable. What matters is my mental attitude. Primarily I would have given it to someone to do that by force - and without that force it simply comes down to natural development. May this be a new person in and of itself; One that isn't tied into ... stuff yet?




Its however a thing. The parts of me that have been satisfied within my fantasy didn't come without physical satisfaction; But their passivity served my rationality. In other words: Those are all pervy stuffs and don't necessarily 'matter' - and without the relationships that matter there is no 'literarity' to them. Well, wow. So, society makes up the rails on which our bonds gain friction. So despite being 'the Slave I am inside' - without the corresponding 'connections' there is no friction for it to 'exist'. All I am left with are Kinks.

On another note did I find myself in a situation that pitched me into a state of independence whereby my priorities have since a long time included things such as writing things like this. That was my mentality - driven by activity - which prolonged for some more substancial resolution; And "by the way" ... "my mind is happening". What else to ... ? What happens happens.

Now - I have to put it this way: If now I had been 'forced' to be female - sure one might speculate in how much that resembled me. In the "internal scheme" however there 'was' that male figure that transitioned into a female one; And that in accordance to its own desires. So, the will to be female is there to begin with. So there is that part of the mind that is associated that therein agrees to a transition into the opposite. Now, in that timeline, the consequence were a female biology. Thereof the mind would function somewhat differently - or whatever the deal. Now from the perspective of myself back then it seemed to me that I could safely tell what I wanted in some 'safe disregard' of potential consequences because the 'pivotal consequences' were objectively clear. Saying, ... I would have willingly agreed to a gender transition, in awareness of certain consequences on my life. Maybe a lot of this is more bullshit than saying something; But what I see now happening is that ... well. "The Light is magnificent". Our minds mature. We get stuck in different things - and ... well ... .

Our minds grow. I was born with no memory of my past - 'basically' - or 'it seems'. I have strange memories - but nonetheless did I grow up as a pretty naive child discovering the world around it. So, what am I? Or what 'was' I? What of that what I had been makes up myself? Am I me? How would my old self think about me? How would I think about 'it'? As it grows it gains complexity - and ... gets to define itself, probably. There so is that future self which is ... female ... and ... an android of sorts - and this is "proposing" a mindset wherein I exist somehow, ... that as part of my identity is implied to exist. It would be silly to not consider it to be the 'standard' as well - and, sure - I had no way of escaping it. I bondaged myself using my own pyjama - being ... 6 or 8 or something. So a life of sexuality has been drawn upon me - into me - and my 'female self' has always been something that would eventually become my real self. Somewhen in the future.
So there is that state of expecting that external force to pop in and take over; But that again is just a 'side-show' while "whatever" matters to me at the time. It is simply my way of resolving my inner truth; Someway - but eventually it comes down to decisions with consequences in reality. So is my male fantasy not a threat while I just live on ... but, when deciding to commit to a career I have to understand what I agree to. Then my fantasy can no longer be of any relevance. I had to realize that I don't want to commit to a career as 'male' individual; And if that external force came in and took over then 'fine' - but, ... I guess, that wouldn't have been me then. Also. Er - the point is that I here have to decide and my decision is valued in terms of reality, I guess - where I say, OK - I better not be a moron!

In the end there isn't much I could do about it. As I grow older, that female self takes over. That so in the sense as my mind reaches a certain grade of complexity, where the next stage of evolution basically ... takes over. Maybe it comes as a result of me saturating my male desires to a point - and sticking to the female ones ... hmm. Whatever.



It comes at no surprise - I guess. My identity of slavery heavily implies rape by which the earlier span of my life is concerned whereby I am still young or rooted in my origins. That is the part where 'life is life' - and without knowledge of myself get to unfold into it. Then I get to understand more about it, my spot therein - and as of which pieces the female mind comes together doesn't matter. I had fantasies to pleasure it - but so it was there all along. I got used to pleasuring my male self by feeling myself into a female position for instance. I enjoyed my male self - following certain desires; And while this part of me exist in an expectation of rape, the other side is one of compliance. "Its complicated". Simply put does it happen that as I figure out reality, I find my spot in truth to myself - which again for me simply takes me back into my female self. At that point "my mind" is no longer capable of acknowledging its male stances because the actual truth of the female part "sets in". So think of the whole as a substance, and the more primitive experiences form something as a brain. Once they develop to a certain degree it evolves - and what we evolve into is arguably more important that what we evolve from.

Well - ... it makes sense that the Light would support a layout whereby now the individual can relate to itself properly - uhm, where - something along the lines of: The more we know the better we understand. Maybe also like by arguing about what we can or cannot know about ourselves. Inevitably from there our 'true' self would emerge as a higher, more mature thing. How ... did this happen?

I guess there are many ways how this could rather be either way. I however now find that the female side of me is 'taking over'. Well - how to picture that? I have to realize that my attitude against it was wrong, ... - and that the consequences of admitting that are amongst the things I dreamt of all along. Secretly wishing to be female doesn't come without some of that. The 'real step' is however different in that it withdraws ambiguity. I so have been pretty passive about it - though is that 'young me' not explicitly male either. Slut is Slut. But now it began to matter to me in a way that is beyond fantasy.

It was there all along. Me clearly unhappy about myself. If I did anything right, then being stubborn to the end - I guess.


I'm trying to be realistic. I didn't think I had any benefit of becoming a woman while all the benefits I implied to it were sexual. I had no Sex anyway - and so those whom I'd want to have Sex with ... they would have done it to me that way ... as by ... 'friction'. In the general sense. And thats the point now. Now there is that point where I make that decision as an individual - beyond sexual pressures.


So - that again ... as said ... isn't me expressing my clarity. It is a totally different thing - although ... sure it has some relevance within clarity. Clarity would lead to the same end - quicker. Clarity is all about that what I am inside. Clarity is all about saying that there is something inside of me that would prefer this and that. But Clarity is at that - so it sounds OK here - sometimes awefully specific about what works.

Clarity is about the environment wherein myself gains friction.

What I do to myself to remind me of my sexual nature would fit well around a sex-toy, ... but whatever. If I had been raped all along, there then would come the point where I'd ... start to ... no longer experience it as rape maybe. That is just the same thing. I guess. So - the end result is practically the same - although for my 'real self' I can expect different relevances.


... //2017.10.19|15:45 ... things to be relevant. Sheesh!



Get it? It sounds weird - but, whatever makes me a Sex Slave is real but bound to conditions that don't matter to me right now. Those things are of my "deep self" and thus indicative of "deepest truths" - such as my gender. The failures of society that I would come to point out aren't there to put any individual to shame or to criticize any lack of effort - it should be simple statements expressed as 'post its' regarding thoughts of a better tomorrow.

By criticizing a lack of support I basically mean that whatever this world has to offer in terms of support doesn't resemble that of a healthy society; Which is due to how our society is organized. And by 'healthy' I maybe am too idealistic.

//16:00~|~12:44//

Essentially what we are talking about is 'social health' - and because it rhymes and doesn't contradict the idea we might also say: 'social wealth'. Wealth = Health ... right? Well - nope! Not ... exactly. Health however is wealth of some sort, yet this wealth can be minimalistic, ... to say: 'sufficient' - sufficient enough to call it 'health' I suppose. But wealth can also be spoiling; And that isn't really health(y) anymore.

In todays society we find it that there is an imbalance to speak of. There are ways to downplay it - and that is certainly worth mentioning. Its good! Its an imbalance nonetheless. Ignore greed or creed - just see it the way it is. For all the things we have left to complain about - there is yet this situation wherein we complain about stuff whilst being in some general situation of wealth and comfort. We can flip the coin and think about what if the imbalance were different. Lets say - ... Sodom and Gomorrah esque. Isn't it? Oh well - it depends I guess.


What I think of though is 'common sense'. We can say there is that and most people stick to it even if we can't totally guarantee it. OK. Anyway.


Sodom and Gomorrah - well. To get one note in about rape: If some guys are getting drunk and rape a woman/girl in process we can't blame it on Esoteric values! There are plenty of ways to promote rape without being all good about it! "Carpe Diem" for instance. Is Carpe Diem good or bad? Well - the Bible takes a Carpe Diem esque position here and there - the book 'Kohelet/Ecclesiastes' most prominently; But at that it is also sure to throw in that ... "but". You know ... read the book!

Being wealthy and condescending about it is a thing too. There are reasons and arguments behind it, so, 'logical' "formulas" to defend wealth against demands of charity; Rational structures; But that doesn't right away defend each and every "Bigwig prick" that chooses not to give!


You don't really need me to tell you these things. I know some stuff on YouTube that is ... I mean, ... right is right! Common sense is common sense. It wouldn't be common sense if the sense isn't somewhat common. But sure - the problem is the weight, the distribution of power. The problem here is what those on top want to hear. If there is a gateway of information, those that control it are its moderators; Which again are there to ... 'do their work' ... obviously. We the people then are there to keep them in check, somehow; And that is where this whole system falls apart!

We don't even know where to begin, kindof! Right?

Well - my role in that ... the way I see it ... can be this one right here. Being one of those that speak out. If you know my history you know thats what I am. Inherantly. The problem between SJWs and Anti-SJWs is that Anti-SJWs pretty much say that things are kindof good the way they are. They suck, OK, but SJWs don't really help in making it any better. Looking closer, SJWs tend to make things worse.
I happen to be one of those that should be greatful for their efforts; But ... its difficult for me. I sure can appreciate their work in regards to the consequences that show a widespread support for being open and diverse - but its nothing I thought was necessary. Or feel is. So to me there are those SJWs that take a lead in cheering all those progressive ideas up and those that follow them because its good. And lets just leave it at that for now!



I mean, I'm on board with the Anti-SJWs because ... because! It to me isn't about whether or not the patriarchy is a thing - its about what the patriarchy wants, is all about, whats reasonable and all that - and here the right spot is to me those of the Anti-SJWs. Obviously! The SJWs ... I don't know! Maybe they have hard reasons; Like a past of oppression - stuff like that. I though didn't hear a lot of 'real' stories that made me care - yet I hear stories of the other camp that make me care. I grew up in a german town; And if I were on board with racism - well - "let me tell you". Racism is 'everywhere'. Back in the days it were mostly the turks that got everyones racist out. Kindof. And its never been against turks per se. It are those turks that go to the lesser schools and hang around and ... whatever. People that end up with 'negative fame'. So there is this ... "joke" ... a racial slurr basically ... summed up in two words: "Muckst Du?!". Du means 'you'. 'Muckst' is the corresponding grammatical form of "Mucken" - and that isn't really a word, its ... a word that "these turkish bullies "popularized"" and it means as much as ... 'being of negative appearance'. Usually its about ... some dude speaking up, like, ... some little and weak guy playing up like "big man". Thats 'mucken'. But the question "Muckst Du" also comes about when simply looking badly at someone, or bumping into someone. That at least is how the term becomes part of that joke. So, its 'cynicism' - where, if you did something slightly offensive I might say "Muckst Du!?" - to kindof pretend something of an overreaction on my side. Its 'cultural dynamics' to some extent. On the one side you have germans that vastly grew up in post-war germany, which is basically philanthropic, leftist, politically correct; ... where on the other side you have turks that are in comparison coming from a much 'wilder' culture. So by simple behaviour they end up being more aggressive and hence somewhat more dominant in the streets.



I so agree with Anti-SJWs on the terms of what gets us into a better tomorrow. But - so - I'm not part of that conversation now.



If both groups are going to be represented within Unification then good! But so - lets, get back to me.

One good way of looking at how I 'work' is by looking at what our identities come to be. Do you know music or TV enough to understand what a 'buildup' is? So, stuff is happening that little by little builds up towards a conclusion of some sort to make that conclusion have a greater impact. The reason why this works is because our minds work that way. The build up gives us information that gets us into speculation; And by the time the conclusion happens our mind is filled with questions or riddles that then are all getting answered; Sotospeak; Which is more effective than had we none of those questions on our minds.

I can so startup the story about my by saying that I'm male. This sentence is thereby just a way of 'coating' my idea thereof. So - if you thought my background was female; Thent his statement has an impact. If you thought I'm male - its just a confirmation. In both cases it is however just part of me building up towards what is finitely true - and what is that?


I can so get an idea of what this modern society expects from a male individual - and I guess that with this line I'm more on the SJW side of things. As with most of my arguments. I am all in all what Anti-SJWs rage against; To some extent. I'm even Christian! By bold appearances I am 'the' SJW - but it should get apparent that this SJW isn't me. Its like so that all SJWs misrepresent me - and Anti-SJWs are pointing out in which ways. Sorry, thats how it is!

I for instance am trying to not complain about things that make me complain because of reactions to my own obnoxiousness. There are two ways of being a prick: One is from being wrong about something and the other is from being right about something. If I'm just being obnoxious then 'sorry'. If I'm after all right, then "sorry".


Anyhow. Lets ... resolve the issue. So - I can get an idea of what a male is supposed to be; Shape an identity therefrom that works with me - and there you have it: A male version of me. That is: At the core we are all asexual - what gives us something of a 'true' gender is down to the complexities that emerge from that - so, when emotions come in, preferences, attitudes - all that stuff - unfiltered; And beyond that I can choose what I want to be. So I have an image I want to fit into - and whatever my 'truth' is about, "I" have to express it. So, if I 'build' that male image - those 'true' reasons are filtered by what I make this 'build' to be - and so I would easily come to keep my sex-drive to myself. And if you met me in the real world by some circumstance - as I've met the one or the other person because life - you'd know me 'that' way. You'd see some guy that isn't trying to be obnoxious; And whatever gets me to voice my oppinion is what you'll give you further insight about me. So, once I'm "triggered" by something for instance.
Its not like my sex-drive and gender are the only things on my mind.
Whatever is now a matter of clarity is part of this issue that doesn't really belong into this world just yet. It belongs into 'here' because what I do on this site is all about Unification - and once that is more prevalent in this world; Then clarity is also going to be more of a part of it.

For common sense reasons though: I guess you 'have to' relate to my clarity as a thing that 'I' want. So - if we had a situation where my clarity mattered - I'd have to say that I'm a whore and if you couldn't deal with that, then it were 'my' problem. As though it were my choice. I mean, it is my choice - and if you can't comfort that then thats my problem! "Nobody can tell me what my way is!". I can't demand you to change because of me; As much as I don't have to change because of you. That is one of the extended principles of individuality. That at some point we're just 'too diverse' - all in all - to ascertain perfect agreement.

Our privileges in personal freedom are like 'social vacuum's - where we might argue that we just 'claim' space. I want to be [...] - and therefore [...]. So - as I'm claiming to be Queen - OK. If people are willing to recognize that; Fine! Yet are you not supposed to recognize it coz I say so. Its more complicated than that.

Well. So - this male persona I might build up - even the attempt is already "3D". What I mean by that? Well - there is a volume of concepts that I associate to being male. To be cynical, lets say, "manspreading" were one of those things. Male + Hip Hop = Manspreading Culture Extreme!

Manspreading is one of those things that ... well, its one of those 'man' things to do. Logically the balls need cooling and so a position wherein the balls are getting most efficient cooling is somewhat desirable. Manspreading then goes on to say something like: "Look at the size of my balls" - where someone who's not is saying "Look at what a puss I am". Whats manly about not properly chilling your eggs?
What I as a woman might end up being could become a carricature of such things. Being more serious though - I have a male body, so - what can I do? The point is now that my body does a lot for me. I just have to sit with a bunch of people and I'm already considered male. Who would have thought?
So - a lot about it is then just illusion. As a male I don't need to do a lot to be accepted as a male. Yea! Crazy, right?!
But what makes me male?
So, what else do I do? After being around people, at work for instance, I return home and do my things. Is that male or female?

What does "know yourself" mean?



I guess I have to just say it as it is: The shackles I keep on writing about, those that I keep on noting about that they have some 'real value' to them; They are conscious elements to me. And OK - being as forthcoming as I can meant that I had to put that into question. To question their real worth then. What is it that makes them a thing for me? I say its 'the Light' - period.
They - at that - are now things that also project something of an identity into existence. To be as minimalistic as it gets; There are those "things" - and some part of me that is alright with them. So, a tiny part of the grid associated to my brain - and those shackles - are something of a thing that makes up something of an identity. Whatever that identity is - on the other end is now my own 'male' side; And so - lets 'project' that into a situation where I'm 'seen' as male, and into another one where I'm not seen at all. Once I'm seen as a male, because of my body, there is that identity projected into me - and if you didn't know about those shackles, OK! Well enough. So, take this void with this "shackle grid" - and in there now an 'inverted' sphere exist that hosts my outside self. That outside self exists in "discognition" of those shackles.
That outside self however further exists as part of my 'outside motivation'. That for instance includes ... well; "You know how it is" - we ordinarily don't get to describe ourselves as deeply as this! We just 'are'. And - me trying to be a productive member to society, or good and righteous, whatever - all that becomes part of how I filter my thoughts to the outside. So is this outside image whatever I want it to be - so my part to it however - and part of it is obligatory. Like going to church maybe. Getting up early, getting dressed, moving the distance, sitting down, ... all that and more. As of that other people have one more member in church; As all my brothers and sisters are people that so are part of "mine". So if I'm 'bad' in some ways and I recognize that; I try to improve myself. That also somehow gets to go into that.

It is however safe to say now that this version of ones self 'cannot' really be ones true self. It is inevitably 100% bound into situations that may end up being detremental to the individuals truth. And here do SJWs have a point; Regarding the limittedness and closedness of our society. But that isn't something Anti-SJWs would necessarily disagree with.
Gender 'is' a social construct, but it is not! Society 'does' create stereotypes - but it doesn't. 'Gender' is a 'real' concept. Stereotypes don't always exist without reason or truth to back them up. German culture is obviously different than Turkish culture!
It isn't ours to now embrace turkish culture with all of its flaws. We can do that; But we shouldn't forget our own culture in process!
We shouldn't give strangers a free ticket to change us; Not asking them to also change themself! They should be able to be themselves; For, not always are they here 'voluntarily' - and even if; Who knows? Its ... a conflict. Its a problem. And there doesn't seem to be a manual for solving it!

So, that is the world - and in it we are bound into a position that makes up a large chunk of our bodily presence. We could start there and say that: By knowing what you are, 'in that sense', you can better comprehend your purpose, or ... whatever works with you.

That God now gave me a bodily presence that is the opposite to my spiritual one - is as put so far now first of all my problem. I want to be clear about that! The more I get clear with that, the better you might see just how these 'Anti-SJW' 'concepts' will yet work out in the end. I suggest that none of those Anti-SJWs that I go with would say that this is how its supposed to end. How it is supposed to end? Well. By letting it be my problem, I'll look forward to a solution. There will be those who 'can' help me - once they have helped me as good as they can; I'm again left to my own. Then I'm a woman, in this system - and sure; What problems I'm facing then is a story of its own.
So - I probably shouldn't be taking sides here; But - I mean. Whatever you do - well, you should potentially be ashamed about! ^^. Right!

Do I have a choice?

OK, lets - back on the track here. Its my problem, but do I have a choice? No! Am I just lucky to be in this spot here? Yes! Maybe.


There are no 'transgender rights' without transgender people! There are no transgender people without transgender rights! What is a transgender person?


So - after it has sunk in, you get the idea of me being twisted against myself. So, there is this 'male body' and whatever cognition I have with it. I so return home, do my thing - and in all of that my 'perceived' gender doesn't matter. My body is there just a vessel for me to get going around - and that my female side is strongly linked to my sex-drive which isn't linked into a life of any description; There is only 'fantasy value' to it. But what bothers me at home?

I can keep this 'male habit' - and once I'm enjoying Stargate or some other nerdy shit; ... it lines up pretty well. Just another dude with some geeky habits. I then only need to somehow sqeeze in some eating habits; Go to sleep - and the next day is just the same. So, where does my "true self" come into that?

Isn't it now just a step of 'sacrifice' to be a properly productive member to society? No crazy "bullshit"?

So I should "stretch out" my arms, occupy those 'shackles' with my 'male volume' and "own" them. Then I should stand up, raise my voice and shout: "I am!". So by sheer willpower I can take my bodily self and let it own whatever else there is; And whenever I get to even just think about shoving anything up my arse I'll feel ashamed of myself.

And why is this not the end? Why isn't this how 'this' ends?

Let it now first sink in for a moment: We can easily speak of 'volume' here. There are now compounds in my mind that occupy certain spots containing certain facettes; And for the sake of a complete picture - something I could replace those shackles with is Tai Chi. So, I'd override their influence by 'willingly' practicing Tai Chi to override those influences. The whole thing then comes together somewhere. That is the one spot I call 'my self' - at the time - so - my ego - my perception - my ... 'will' - which is here enforcing itself onto a structure that is to create 'a man'.
How I feel about it? Well - "it doesn't matter"! Right? OK, but now about that part associated to my 'brain' that links up with those shackles? Lets say it is a part of my mind that will continue to crave them into existence - and is therefore the 'ill seed' by which I'm continously driven into sexual addiction or such.
So obviously I have to isolate it. I have to make 'myself' count on other parts of my brain; And start dominating from there.

And all this isn't just hypothetical. This is a picture of my 'gender struggle'. So - as my clarity kicks in, I can take all the things that relate to sex and attach them to that stuff that is weird and best removed from public attention. "Oh God ...".
Oh, that ... well.
Lets ... I have a ... 'favourite picture' - and that is kindof something this is going to be about.

But well - now. beyond a certain degree of "owning myself", my will kindof becomes my skin. The idea is that the skin is where our will is at. So, if we move our arms we move it "by our skin" rather than the muscles inside. So I build this 'male matrix' to govern myself. My Kinks ... well. They are now safely regarded away; And now - as I'm about to throw in a 'but' question, "we already know" that I should do the opposite. Regardless of what it is. Because - thats what we do here right now. So - if I had a girlfriend and we could get along kinky I shouldn't let that happen. Simple as that. And possibly I should demand the woman to be a woman as well. So ... everything has to be in order. Right?

I demanded it of me; Now I can demand it of others!

And, what else is this "true self""ing" if not just 'loathing' ... full of ignorance?

"Bye bye, favourite image".


How does this now work? I would ordinarily come to speak of some ... dissonance. Obviously a conflict between the two parts of me. If I however willingly "own it" - I can feed myself up with my own will of simply willing it so; To then so give reign to whatever supports that willingness - and thus cancel out any conflict by prioritizing the growth of this.

"Problem solved!".


"The end!"

---

The more I now give into this 'pro male' attitude - the more I get to consciously recognize how the 'rapist' in me 'does' come together. The 'certainty' with which I 'control myself' will express itself through a similar attitude regarding others; And so those women that were suitable partners to me - well, it changes ... right?

Or not? So - lets take my #1 into the boat and ask her about it! The conversation could go no other way than me demanding her to adjust to me in case she's got any problems. Else we'd ... "foster misconceptions". What would we then go on to do? We'd 'preach' it that way.


And continuing so, there really isn't any openness for problems of 'transgender' kind - the only openness there is is for us to rebut it!


The criticism about this attitude, well - his that here freedom is a 'possible' consequence to captivity. Captivity is hereby drawn within the 'bodily'. Though I have shackles 'inside' - there are those 'shackles outside' that I here chose to align to. If that were me - the 'real me' were yet bound into circumstances that are beyond its control. So, thinking about Schindler for instance (Schindlers List) - who had a body caught up in Nazi Germany and yet was free enough to help those Jews. And isn't that what matters? To be in the position of making the right choices?

But so - lets assume we all did that. We then had us a neat world; And eventually we get to ask: What do we do with our spare time? "Spare time? Who needs that! Spare time is for ..." ... err. But right! Spare time is the breeding ground for bad habits; Isn't it? What is 'not' a bad habit - actually? Isn't it all just nonsense? Doesn't it always somehow impact our productivity? "A house divided against itself cannot stand!".


Please sign up for 'eternity' ... "here"! ???


So sure. God created this world with the intention of giving us all work to do and shut up! Not?


God could easily make things easier for us! Sure - a Soda Waterfall mightbe too sticky, but thats what we have showers for, right?

Anyway - what happens as of those shackles is kindof samey. Instead of my "bodily" volume taking over my spiritual one, it were ... way around ... ish. Except - I can't change my gender that way.


This picture doesn't convey 'best' what I'm trying to describe at this point; But it is 'that favourite' I was mentioning earlier. I got reminded of it because of the scene in some porn I'm watching right now. It reminded me thereof.


Why is it my favourite? The "Oh God" ... thats an expression of ... seeing on screen something that perfectly contradicted my mind at that point while pivotly speaking 'for' it. The feeling it promoted is one of ... "hanging in there", sotospeak, while someone is abusing my face. Its a state of laziness - in some way - basically ... caught up in that situation and enjoying it. It comes of some part of me - that ... well. Lets put it this way: giving "power" to those shackles has the effect that they will project an image that contradicts that of my body. That is then the image of a woman stuck in sexual abuse. Or 'stuck into'. Here so there is a 'volume' inside of me that takes this form of a "rape me" slut.
That isn't a 'slutty teasing' - but - a 'teasing' by ... in this case showing the extent to which I'm "willing to get fucked".

So - to spice it up with humor and thus have it a bit more comprehensive: The male part of me is somehow there because of my body. Its for some time a part of me I have no reason questioning. Its just me as I go through my life. But that me has a deeper self that has some fetish - and as of that I eventually fancied wearing lingerie or started to explore anal intercourse. And that person would 'love' to have a girlfriend that is 'pro feminization'.

But are there further implications?

Well - taking it slowly: This bodily self is now first of all just passive. As of the two sides I'm so basically free to choose which side I want to emphasize. If I went by the inner one; The present "shackles" make it so that my 'male image' will "flip" into that of a happily exploited female sex-slave; So - basically a perfect contradiction to whatever I might make of my male self. Take it with humor. So - in a cartoon - lets take a male dog and have him stumble into some funny circumstance where he ends up as a poodle and that were the whole joke about that scene.


In terms of the "build up" - that means that I'm going to tell you that I'm male - and then showing you what that to me is all about - and those images were all, well, images of being turned into a girly sex-slave/doll. To avoid conflict just use images of actual women.


That is the 'feel' at least. Now. It still is 'my' problem - but that doesn't say that there shouldn't be something to help me out. Helping me out is all about recognizing the individual and growing as a society.
And that is one thing about making 'right' choices, isn't it?

Whatever society we could hope to form; It might not be enough and so we have to be open for new things.


And this right here doesn't matter to everyone equally. I can't demand society to 'make way for me' just so I have something of a safe passage through the crowd. Where would I want to be? How do I get there?


So, speaking of skin: My 'true self' is that which grows 'beyond' the physical. The physical is one thing, what I dream about another. Having a female mind then - of course it would start to grow in fantasy. And at some point it just wants to be a reality; And knowing that it can be certainly helps it making that point.

Now is my ongoing transition not sexual. This 'shackle based' inversion is still a thing - and the way it comes about is that I, as a genderless being, get to acknowledge which side I favour more; Effectively.

That woman that I'm going to be is most certainly still going to be internally driven by the same kinks; But instead of being conflicted about itself, other things can start to matter. Inwardly we can say that this 'poodle transformation' "happened" - and now my male self has to somehow "explain" it. Of course it would try to be reasonable about it.


There are uncertainties to that. Like - what I will become. That is kindof the whole ... side-issue here. As of the whole "what matters" story the message is clear. This isn't me trying to live by my clarity. I can only live by my clarity 'with' people that do so too. And that isn't about them adjusting to mine; But about them living theirs.
It may be a new self. Perhaps I've always been living male lives so that I could make it a conscious choice one day and thereof become a woman I otherwise wasn't.


In other ways is tha thowever 'still' - objectively - me growing upon 'kinky' stuff; And through a lack of those things growing up to an alternative that is more free. And that is the 'bigger' meta. So - what would I want? What would I grow to? And of course - I can't totally answer that now. I would assume though that it will define itself through independence; And the question is how it regards its own sexual nature. 'Can I' ... be free?

So far the story of my male self is that I'm like a dog. I mean - I feel out of place. I feel like my life is dominated by things that aren't there - and so I want a life that is dominated by those things so I can fit in somehow. I would hope that this is just laziness; Partly because of depression; But well.

Another concern might be if I then were even still 'avilable' for rape.

So, what are we dealing with?


At this point someone who can't decide?

OK, how should I decide? Is there a right answer?


Can I tell myself that I have decided already?

How if I don't remember the moment when? How if I don't remember at all?


Is it fair? Were it? Were it fair knowing that I might enjoy being male? But well. Were it fair to make me male - well knowing that overall I would enjoy being female better? Or - being a sex-slave?

These shackles are a symptom. And I'm slowly running out of weed now; And I have a feeling ... I better use it; Instead of saving it for sunday. ...

They are a symptom of me having decided - at least - that I like what they imply. And how did I get there?

What is the value of anything?




What I'm going to be is quite simple! Can I be male? To answer this question - well - OK, let me ... . You possibly know the cliche image of 'meditating' using the 'ommm' sound. Lets say "Ommm" stands for: Letting the spirit of "Gaia" enter ones mind. So ... we think about the ground we're sitting on and "Ommm" it in to our mind. Or the cosmos or whatever. Now - on the other end lets say "Hmmm" - and that be our spine. So, drawing the line from our spine into our brain makes our conscious "backbone" - and by "Hmmm" we let it reign upon our spirit. This "Hmmm" is where I come together as a whole. And what is it? Male or female? If I dream and generally see myself as female, that part of me is possibly closer to the Hmmm than the male.
The body is just attached to my consciousness - and the parts of my consciousness relating to it is not the entirety thereof. And so there is that cognitive ground where God relates to us - the Spirit, the Light - and expressing that is expressing my clarity.


If we now said that this our modern contemporary society is what I had to work with; That is now my problem, saying, I have to find a way to make this happen. And the one and only way to do so is by making Clarity a thing. And so on and so forth. Its all about God.


The woman I will be may be as independent as it gets. There is no conflict in that. Its as it is right now. Me being me and my relationships being without relevance for whatever reason. So, without someone 'abducting' me or whatever I'm free! Abduction or Rape or Captivity or whatever - those are just minor details too. They are words that come into mind when I try to describe my social relevance within the compound I feel at home in.

By saying that I want to be captive I so don't say that I want to be captured by someone; But that I feel my normality as within that captivity - which is captivity because ... err ... I'm "handled" to exist in those controlled circumstances. Whatever.

So the truth is that I'm going to be an independent woman; Because physics; And my clarity will stay just as true to that as it stays true to me right now. Right now I'm male - and my clarity says that I'm captive to someone, exploited as sex slave and subject to feminization. While that only matters in my mind the effects are very real. Those are things my mind is exposed to.
So as an independent woman I will still have the same mind - and as of that I'm internally a submissive slut. If I had a home where that mattered; Then it would matter for real. I might have to wear kinky underwear or teasers that suggested the pervy secret truth to others; For sake of the image; And depending on how attractive I were that might get some people ... "teased". However - without a real life like that I would just be home alone; And instead of being sexually submissive ... well ... I might be watching TV. It doesn't change how available I am to someone outside - and how much of a slut I were to someone 'inside'.




Clarity then matters wherever there is a recognition for it. If your recognition of it were negative; My notion of it would matter to you, causing a negative response! One thing you have to rationalize is that our lifestyle isn't any of your business. Unless you're one of us. That of course isn't something we can keep on saying. Of course it is your business - after all it is in this concept of a world wherein we co-exist. You want to know whom you share your world with! Do you need to protect your children from us?

What God really wants from me is to be pervy. Thats what I'm getting! I have to be a good example; A role model - and by my own advise I can only really be that if I know myself. The example I can give you is how I handle myself. Am I doing it right or wrong? If I did it wrong - of course you ... shouldn't listen to me. But isn't that part of the struggle? Me telling you things that you might easily mistake for wrong and thus nobody ending up listening to me?

So - how can I be clear about it?

The example so far should show just how ignorant I can be. Either way. Its just villy nilly grabbing something that can somehow be justified for some reason. Mysogeny is bad - but heterosexual sex is, somehow an uneven thing. The one enters, the other is being entered. Nothing one can do about it!

The problems that occur are however yet firstly my own. Once I then get to speak of social links - of course it matters how right I am. And - just how right and wrong I am then matters more, somehow, in regards to whom I'm compatible with. If my #1 were wrong and I were right; Its still not going to work. We're either both on the same page and thus both either right or wrong; Or we'll have a problem!

If you learned to associate your sexuality to bad stuff - then well - you might not like me. Even more so if you're one of my ... "spouses". There's a lot of negative potential with those words. I'm the slave now telling my master that she is supposed to be my wife. How bad is that?

Yet that is why we don't play the game that way. I might want to push through and have it that way. In the end we all want to have it that way. God being the base-line on which we realize ourselves and therefore get to express our reality.


More problems: The volume that I am has a pregnant belly - and spreading my legs therein for someone who wants to abuse me is, by how I feel, one of the greatest things I can do. I can't get pregnant; But even passively I have a thing for pregnant woman and inherantly experience myself thereby yet as a whore that is subject to some people.

Those are however "tangible" matters of me. Those are things that I know of me - things that 'desire' friction. I want to "own" pregnant women and cater them towards sexual abuse. Somehow. Well - lets not bother details like that. The point is that ... this is beyond righteousness. I can't tell you how good of a person I am - and while these things might tell you how bad of a person I am; ... I would at the very least hope that you understand things enough to listen to both: Pregnant women that feel the same way; And men that are into that. What could they tell? Not much! How to work that into culture? No clue! ... so ...


If you had something going where I had to jump in real quick and you told me that Sex isn't a thing - I might even answer how you got the idea that it might be! I would suggest however that you had to still treat me as though the whole jabam regarding my clarity were real. So - I will always require space for myself. There are habits that come of my clarity which you might not want to be bothered by - and that space I require is possibly to be filled with individuals that fit in. That why it matters. The timeless value of the Light here kindof settles things for us. We so kindof never get along in a way that doesn't work 'actually'. At least thats a thing we may assume. It makes sense! Right now you don't have more from me than if I were a prisoner of someone - well - that is by assuming that they gave me time and space to write these things. Alternatively I might get banged right now. If I did get banged, writing this might not be necessary. In a world where my needs were totally recognized and handled properly, I wouldn't be needed! Arguably! Then someone else might be 'the one' - who knows?


Maybe not 'the one' - but 'someone'.


Another humorous take on the story: Whatever your image of me may be; Flip the page and there I'd be "caught" really enjoying to get fucked in my butt. This is to say: Sure I had a reason to feel ashamed of myself no matter what. This situation wouldn't be for you to participate in.

Is it right or wrong? Good or bad?

So do I have a situation that could be described as wishful thinking. However. Regarding my clarity I understand that I'm a whore. If I had to pick one Character from all movies, comics, cartoos, video-games, books, stories, etc., whatever 'to be' - as a choice for heaven for instance, like: "who would you be?" - I'd be choosing 'Maya' from the Imma Youjo series.
What now - let that be irrelevant.

The point is that from a healthy perspective onto human individuality - we first want a picture of the unbiased person. Can we get that? What is unbiased? Entirely without individuality? So, add clarity into it, give it synergy with God, ... and whatever you might want from me is now first of all distorted by my vision. I will there find a way for me - and see what I can do for you then. Here - I'm ... an idiot! If you asked me anything I could do, I'd possibly say OK even if I shouldn't. I realize that I can be creative and such; But I realize that I can't really submit that to foreign ideals. And most of that comes down to how I live my life. I live my life like a Sex Slave. First and last thing that matters to me a day is my sexual status - sotospeak - and whatever else I do needs to somehow fit in.
Next thing we can assume might be that if I'm a whore, I wouldn't do these good things. I couldn't because I were way too fucked up.

I really shouldn't save that weed for sunday, right?


...


If I looked at this regarding my clarity I'll get to answers as usual. I'd express stuff I want to be in this space I "created". This is the same; Just that I don't express the substance. I can however yet express the scope. Its also therein somewhere.

If I get work that is in conflict to my "precious safe space" - it ... basically 'glitches out'.

And so are a lot of my writings just ways of compensating my lack of sexual truth around me.


In an ideal case you would get porn and ... it'd do the same thing. Kindof. Except that here I have to make you understand how that would not only be an inevitability, but also one of the reasonable things to expect.

I still kindof have to get "you" to get along with me, my situation; And so, practically hyped for me to get raped - yet - to understand it properly.

One part to this story may be that there is already a society that knows of all these things - and that group could just assimilate me and I'd be what I wanted to be - but what would that do?


So, the things in how they matter [+weed+]: Including my #1 there is for me what I realize as 'male space'. That bypasses my clarity. So, through my clarity I learn to attach to my #1; And part of this is bonding with her on that "I'm actually female" level. So, these 'issues' of myself become part of that which matters. Within that I have male fantasies that basically merge with my experiences of transition. So, I get to be a guy who's into his mother who is into making him a female sex-slave. Period. By embracing these 'male' positions I get to extend my 'male identity' - yet in progress of being influenced by those experiences; The transition comes as inevitability, either way.

In terms of Sex now - if I were with her those things only mattered between us. Anything further were ... "crazy", ... and that because there is no such thing as polyamorie. Its ... not on the table! The only legitimate way to be sleezy this way these days is to join a swingers club. Or attend fetish parties. So - there is stuff. It would so only need to become a matter between us - and then we could start to look for some company. There we so can assume 1 partner into the mix; And this extra could be male or female. What role I played is to me here more dominantly stressed out through my own self. Although I would or could extend my male feelings onto a female extra - my primary attachment were to my #1; And so one way this trio could work out is by me being humiliated. What to my #1 there were a fulfillment of some power fantasy; Or some showcase of her privileges of ownership - to me were just as fulfilling or a feeling of privilege.

And that is one ... highly perverted aspect. That in the end I in truth am encapsulated by shackles that render me into submission - and that because I enjoy(ed) the consequences thereof.

I damn, here goes this feeling again. The pivotal yes and no.

What does this say? What this says right now is that I think I can handle 'one' extra. What my #1 would do to me at home for herself is now only done with someone else around. If the extra were a guy, she wouldn't need a strap-on, sotosay.

For where now I get to see 'heavens' for my male self; There I'm thinking of extras that are married to me. Its one of the older thoughts. As by bold claim - all my brides have to be my whores/sluts. So, as from my male self I get to call my #1 Mother; I would further add that she's to be my slut. That just makes my male incest fantasies come true. However - the bonding feeling itself doesn't necessitate that. Me being locked into a girls body can also satisfy that desire. There its me, the male identity, basically helplessly lost in a female body; And my #1 thereby fills a Mother spot. I need her compassion - and her 'catering' to my female self is just that. There is no kinky sex involved; Its like the question of which gender pronoun to use. If she comforted my male self - well - she would give me some pleasure and joy; And I would accept that - for some time. The time where I wouldn't has however come. As of the female truth inside of me I'm eventually just "fed up". That means that there is another part of me that wants satisfaction and "has had it". For the start it was fine - joy is joy, pleasure is pleasure. But that pleasure took only second place; First place never had a shot at it - and thus its clearer than ever that I really want something else.
So does the 'feminization' part I was writing about now seem to imply, that I'll have to flip my gender based demands. So, what I want my female partners to be do I have to apply onto my male self. So - in the end will I for instance be the Mother I wanted. And that creates some ... part of me I really get to enjoy. I can dream of a fulfillment of my male desires - thus shaping myself and therefore being shaped towards male desires. Practically.
Courtesy of God!
It might therefore pleasure you to here that in essence I'm 'non exclusive'. My bonding to Gillian, or that "Gillian figure" is part of a build up towards being more explicitly 'married into prostitution'. The levels of adultery are basically there to 'pry' me off of my #1 - giving me an ill phase of romantic attachment that gets me emotionally lost in a limbo from wherein I desperately need cock as an anchor.

A lot of those claims "will be empty" at first. So as of the things that matter. Rationalizing some sexual relationship between me and my #1 is an easy thing to do. So do rather simple things take shape and thus come to matter. Voicing more complex desires is ultimately structured towards a more complex reality. So here we're not talking of some random extra; But basically skipping ahead a bunch of years to assume some culture that has emerged as expanded upon the concepts of my submission for instance.
So - while this more simple realm were the reality yet; Those more complex structures will matter - however bound to the physical truth. The closer this truth gets to that ideal, the more meaningful these expressions become. Thus, in the beginning - taking just one random extra - part of the game might be that of humiliating me by using me as a cockslut. OK - so, verbal 'teasing' of the penis or strap-on regarding my submissive stance towards it. [naughtily, slightly condescending] "Do you want cock?". That is already 'relating' to what I am inside - one thing that should be a common truth - between me and my #1. At this point there were however no solid construct regarding it.

Taking Gillian into the picture, she could now be that extra. As now assuming this so - we so foresee that there will come more of this "moment". In the idea it is now Monica who would latch onto her - and that might perfectly be it. I mean - as it is my perceived situation that I am forcefully subjected to "stranger will" - I don't really care about whether or not I actually get along with her. I'm "turned around" to first be in tune with what she wants of me and therefore perfectly fine with her. ... Whatever.
The situation now evolved - and so Monica could agree to 'lending' me to Gillian - and thereby the matters that define me; Well - they ... become more complex. From the grounds of just Monica and me - my relationship to Gillian now came on grounds of an abstraction thereof; If you so will. She knows me 'that' way - and based on those more generalized or personally biased concepts I get to 'advance'.

Or get bound into those more advanced circumstances.

One thing I associate to the Gillian scope is that place where the more hardcore things are going down. Its weird. How I earlier wrote about how Amanda impacts me should rather apply onto how Gillian impacts me when looking at the 'stuff done' - but the truth is - this stuff is ... after all ... wrapped up "by my true love". So - its perverted! Its a slippery slope in deed! When thinking about these things my mind is 'wound' to relate to it with true Love. Or, Gillian is my true Love and thosea re the things she wants; And so you could draw a funny cartoon as me trying to sort stuff into a shelf, maybe, drawing so my minds efforts to be tidy about those things - yet the shelf is unstable and ultimately gravity takes control. That is just how it is, when I got to realize that I'm bound into these conditions. I get to think of something self-depriving that is part of that true-love and 'bam'.

Amanda is getting me scared mostly from that side I think; Speaking of ... well ... Gillian makes up what my life is like - and Amanda might be a chance for a break; But ... her role is more explicitly that of not giving me that.

And wooha. That is one thing that works fine against this pivotal yes and no feeling. Generating something more like a yes.

Anyhoo. So you get the idea. "What matters" is relative to ... well ... "the matters that can".


And what is that? "How corrupt are we?". As a whole? All of us? Or ... individually?

What I'm looking for is 'not' the/a Juvenile response!


You got to trust in that once you're not on the Dark Side, God will 'compensate' you for whatever ... there is. As of that all Satanists have to be aware of the fact that as Satanists they will be cursed. They will be unfree and bound to ... crazy desires. That is because that is substancial to the Satanistic culture. It firstly exists because of people like me. As of that crazy desires are ... the whole "shtick". Its a world of abstraction wherein normality is no longer an option. For obvious reasons. Normality has value of course. But the kinky lifestyle needs its own. Its a culture; Its open space - and it works because these Kinks allow us to exist abnormally. The rules thereof create their own way of life.

Eventually sides don't matter all that much - but for sometimes they do!

I think.
Uhm, ...


The way I 'picture' or understand my life can be compared to tubes that connect places; And those tubes basically 'grind' me through sexual exploitation. Each node connecting those tubes were so some climax between one and another. Nonstop rape that is. Basically. So, assuming that Monica could easily get me hooked up; She would have some way of keeping me in check 24/7. We may want to wonder: "at which point do we throw reality over board?" - and the answer is: The moment we care about "deep philosophy" - so or so.
But now moving on to Gillian - or some 'space of prostitution' - "is to get me exposed some way" - and in that sense my experience in the swinger club wouldn't come from a private background of whatever but 'extensive sexual abuse'. The latter were the tube, the time in the club were a node.
In terms of matters now - Monica wouldn't have much of a reason to lend me to someone without it being something of a concept between her and me. But however. She might have friends of her own in response to which I get to be relayed to those on a private basis. She would then come to sortof "produce" a version of me that works with us at home - practically - and now I kindof have to say that the 'term of clarity' here at least goes beyond 'private fetishes'. It goes to say that now my sexual thing isn't any longer focussed onto those nodes - but what defines me socially at all. I mean - it depends on whats going on "at home" I guess, ... uh, yea.


Going by my 'base habits' - all she now had to do were to demand it to serve; Which - when taking it 24/7 - would say that I could be in lingerie 24/7. "Wall to Wall" or 'day and night'. What matters there were ... how many men were present; And a lot of other things. "Matters" between "them", or issues of how those guys get there. Whatever.

---

Knowing Myself

---

Uhm, so I just had a little "talk" with one of my Dildos - and the "conversation" had an interesting result.


Now - "if I may" - I'm going to talk as 'of myself'. My "Hmmmm" moving into my body and assuming control upon the words I'm uttering. My neutral mind may take me down the one or the other tangent; But I want to hereby move onward to be generally more straightforward about myself.

I'm confused because - I'm somehow unsatisfied with the outcome of this if the end isn't me right away "habituated according to my clarity". I want to tell myself its silly, but every now and then I get to points where I have to stop and wonder ... about it all being there already. The other day I realized that all you need is the story in regards to how it matters. "The one" bam. "Unification" bam. How I got to it ... bam. Before it gets to any details; The big important things matter already. People will make their own way; And what about us is then ... a matter going to be.


So - instead of taking a stop and looking at me ... there is time to look at ones self.
Maybe.


I mean - when I think about what I could do "as a guy" - whether I be male or not - is of "marginal cultural value" at best. Work like that would have worked out so far - and that would have happened as story along the lines. So - the public would quarrel about me while 'we' would be making games while I slowly came to discover myself. How that 'mattered' would right away contextualize - so, little Jab @"Capcom Staff", I would take a step back and those who would take a step forward - well - it had meaning since happening somehow in the light. Experiences of Unification spread - then the Matrix stuff would start speaking for "our sinful selves" - that might have built up to something of a showdown - or not; However - ... thats not how things happened. Now I think differently in that ... there is no time for that! Not for me anyhow!

Not anymore!


That may be the struggle so far. Right now. The question ... of what time it is ... for me!


Well, to be straightforward - I'm not used to this. I'm not used to an environment where I can be straightforwardly open about myself. I try to be. OK. It works also, once ... I'm high for instance or however immersed into things. I then eventually get to forget 'what else' matters and can fully commit to a core idea of some sort.

This isn't my "Hmmmm" speaking.


Or "Haaa"?


Well, the mmmmm is about letting it sink in and grow down the spine.


...


My #1. Monica. The girl I am is the girl I am to her. Like said, as there is a 'baseline' to ones or my 'individual privileges' - that what I recognize it to be is settled on a timeline. Right now ... the time is "unclear". Then there goes a line through "heaven part 1" - and at the long end beyond that I am still 'her' daughter. There are plenty of ways that our love(s) come(s) together - and what lays there somehow stretched out accross lifetimes is yet a feeling that is near to me and grasps my attachment to her. At that point; I may be rather her son. So at any point in time where I 'may' be born as 'her' son ... there would be that.
These 'male veins' are part of how my consciousness connects certain things. The weddings layed out before me are acquired by my male self after all. So it 'stands'.
As of that I'm 'inverted' - and so I have a confusion regarding my feelings for her. There are now ways that I can want her to be; And those depend on how she can vibe with me. In this role she is a Sex-Slave that is forced to serve me; So - she being my Mother; And her 'pleasure' therein is described in grief and sadness about her situation that is filled with joy about being served to me.

I however struggle with this idea. I see our love converge around such things - while I keep looking for a more intimate connection. I thereby failed to realize that this more intimate connection doesn't exist for my male consciousness. So, I basically have to stop wanting it.

What I 'can' want is that ... but then my #1 has to be Gillian. And how that goes ... well - ... . I suppose there is now this 'issue' of my 'male veins' - which are specifically, sexually male - that have to go away. If this requires any satisfaction of those - then that is so; Yet then that satisfaction comes in favour of the consequence.


Monicas absence now comes to be in favour of my female development. And whatever the situation may be - that is important to our love. Well. However. The situation now to me is presented as follows: When I get to basically pave a way here - and people start to move - that is Gods hands opening the gates. That is - if I have to pave a way. If there had to be some specific thing. Then God would hold you back from doing anything unless that specific way was accessible. So - a thing and therefore ... so.


The thoughts that got me "oiled" to think of me being able to more straightforwardly speak of myself - those are now something I can no matter the reoluctance write about. However, that conversation with dildo is going to matter some place some time - and somehow the song "time after time" chimed in my heart as I wrote that. Some place, some time. In the distant future maybe?

I love that song. It always gave me comfort. It always made me feel like - some time in the future I will fall and that someone will be there to catch me.

Now - to be straightforwardly me - lets, take this back a little. What do I 'have' to be? So, what is my clarity - what does it make me? Or more importantly: Where does it begin? Lets say we all got zapped into some neutral dimension - as neutral beings - and each of us received an APU - those Matrix shootie machine thingies - representing our "vehecle" - what would be written on it?
So, where do I need to sit down?

Thats the thing. By mentioning my clarity I yet have a pretty big question mark because I still need the approval of that community I prolong to be a part of. In all ... formality. If it doesn't exist yet ... error. There is to be an open space - so for where I want it to be for instance - and people that come in and out of it eventually stay there. Without 'one other' - there is nothing. With one other, we approve of each other.

Otherwise however I approve of my clarity - and once being approved therein I can be me.


So - I'm ... "many things" - if I had to be "specific" - but if you "take me by my runes" I am 1. Forced to be female, 2. Mentally Enslaved and 3. Something of a harem bride. What I am thereby condenses around the idea of 'artificially enhanced intelligence' in regards to sexual services. Pet when thinking of siciety, yet more of a Doll when thinking of my identity; So - android would do.

So - "Sex Toy" "it is" - and while all that from the outside was 'thought' into being with an attitude of 'perfect dominance' the consequence led to the consideration of 'individuality rights'. One thing I could find for myself is that of a base identity to express myself through. So - before I enter that grade of submission I 'absolutely have to' 'express' what I am at that point so society can refer to me as that. Its a big choice - but ultimately I don't have to make it alone. Whether I have to make it at all "if God helps me" - well ... I have to 'find' the answer that works and then still express it.
Theoretically this might be a simple choice - like - if there's a lot of common sense evidence that diminishes various concerns; But ... oops.

Wrong track! So - the conversation with my dildo suggested what that might be - while however telling me of the part that I don't have any choice about. There so is the ride I have ahead of me - and for various reasons now I have to have an identity. Whether that has anything to do with what I might be able to do ... is ... perhaps rather unlikely. "Little Princess" was however the thing that came to mind; And this - as for what matters to me - is now/then to be the part by which I get comforted.

To what I am it is essential that this is a thing - and sure; What is Love if that Love may never happen?

But instead of just generally implying it, here it is basically put into "place and time". Sortof. By there being an obligation for Monica, there is something she has to sort into her life - and as I so draw myself into 24/7 bondage - there is that one thing that ties that into hers so. By having that identity - well - I have something of a life. That means, by being supposed to 'care' for me she is now in a situation whereby she can ... do that. So, I get to 'have' stuff - and that gives me something of a life. Economically I receive a footprint; And that footprint is no longer 'void' ... or "pet food" or "leftovers".


Now, as for my dildo. I am supposed to "claim" something and provide an argument for it. The argument is that I'm a wreck. Something is wrong with my anus and my mouth ... well; You wouldn't necessarily want me to get intimate with you. You wouldn't want me to lick you - and I probably need a completely new set of them. The claim is that this has to be taken as permission to completely wreck me. Right away. So - the idea is that as soon as things start moving on their own, practically, I'm no longer in charge and my #1 is entitled to submit me into wreckage.

This would be amongst the last things you ever heard of me - and as written in some other writing ... "by now" - something something.


One thing a little less extreme - that my other dildo talked to me about - was something of an idea of what I'm supposed to be "long term" - so, when speaking of my wreckage as something stretched out for some time. But that will then just be me ... I guess.



Is that realistic?

Does this say anything?

Maybe not. But maybe I'm not capable of properly representing my community. I can only represent my "branch" - in bold theory.


So, what is there to be found about me? Taking it into "sci-fi" - well, Monica would handle me certain ways and thereby utilize knowledge. This knowledge could be used to describe what I am. For everything she does or needs to do to basically let me be me there is some rationality to it. Weird?
Well - am I an individual? Sure! Am I independent? Sure!
Can I not look after myself? I can!
But if she wants to treat me like a pet and I like it that way - then thats a thing. In another frame her presentation could be about her kinks; Or so in an exposition of what she does to me to perhaps inspire other slave-owners.


To not miss out on it: These habits are finally 'convergences' ... 'with reality' ... whereby now the emotional reality finds ways of expression. So, measuring my submission or devotion to her - there is a scope; And whether I be a doll or a pet - ... there is a scope - and our habits would evolve accordingly. If I so fit into it, it kindof works. As of that there then is a 'tightest fit' - "then maybe" a 'real fit' and/or a 'wide fit'. The point is that there is some existential truth at some point - and I fit into "a 'doll'". That "gives her" perfect control upon me - although yet limitted to certain 'demands of reality'. So are there things that go better with me than others.


That I now 'am' '"her little princess"' - that is to be regarded to my life enslaved. Maybe nobody wants to wreck me and 'that' then mattered. I'm kindof skinny and maybe that doesn't ... 'resonate'. However - presumably it gives her the handle to get me settled. If that were to be nobodies business - I wouldn't be much of a whore - "on vacation" maybe? - but ... eventually the satanic curse is to come upon me; And so ... the little princess is to be wrapped up within a body that is supposed to be sad about itself. Or its situation. Maybe that. Another thing suggests that I'd get asked once a week whether or not I want to die - with each week taking things further and further. ///21:16



But all the dilly dallying aside - as it is between me and God, the issue is this that there is what I am, what I want - and its all 'granted by Him' - leading up to say: Its going to be fine! And to me - although that is simply how it is - I'm ... reluctant; But yet I don't know how else to conclude this.

I would reason that I'm stupid here. Be that though as it may - the promise ... well, the issue is that if I refuse myself to be; I might miss out on something I want. Something good. The better way!


So - how to be prepared for that?



So I am. Without any private situation I'd be yet rather be living my life in a cage; To some end. That end might be gruesome. And ... the thoughts come so easily.

It can't be that easy though?

So, how about ... one thing after the other?

---

How to ... go along? So, item 1: The Satanic Empire is a thing and they are waiting to come to the surface. Seems like either this, or 'nothing special'. So, who is how and where do we start? This isn't something I can answer. Technically you don't even know that I exist yet. The way I feel however ... there is agony unless the people coming to me are of my own and well ... nice to me. Here I then would expect to right away transition into my slave existence; And then what?

All of these things point down onto one thing: I got to get raped - and should thereby be something of an example about what kinds of things we do. I should basically settle a score, a basic tone, to allow things to continue along those lines. To that are Madonna and Britney to me - or whoever they were - something like cheerleaders. I always 'felt' Madonna to be somewhere in the front - in terms of a show - and I would eventually be dragged around as a backstage fuckslut and potential ... otherstage shenanigans. That made one example of what were to be done to me; And Amanda actually stands there as the center. The place there however, or the 'node' wherein the "Amanda things" connect is the central node in that all my relationships sortof seem to somehow connect to it. First from Monica, then Gillian - despite from Monica - is iterating on Amandas space. When it gets to me as a slave, Monica is usually not involved - that were what Amanda is for. Alternatives ... hmm.


So - first things first. We need an Ekklesia. My spot in the beginning is a point of reference. If now people start talking about this and start connecting; It is important that the public and the local connect. So, if the public talks trash - effectively - to buy time or whatever; We have this "agonizing" side-story going on ... and well.

To best connect - we so can't rely on the public. If we have physical grounds, you have something to better relate to; And the location itself can then be known. We have 'location A' then - have a public presentation of it - and there note which locations belong to us. Thats where you can go - or try and connect with - and if the connection is there, its there. In principle.

So, all that matters here is that Unified individuals are in charge of the story.



I have written of a few things already; But now I had to write a bit more about rape. Rape to me is specific in that first of all the primary sensation is one of "friction". So, if my hands are pushed down against my will this inner conflict creates sparks of light. They 'flee' the scene, like "oh noooo" - while creating an aura of satisfaction. More basic than that are shackles. They naturally enforce a sense of captivity. Now, do I want to get raped?
I have this ... idea, or understanding. That feeling or whatever - and at some point I begin to just congnitively interact with it; And I'd say that thats where I'm loosing it.
A preview maybe?
Well ... on the other side it seems rape is based on similar principles. I mean ... on the rapists side. While I have a hard time verbalizing where rape begins; I think the same is true for the rapist. The rapist would look for that place where the victim "breaks". Or, where the victim begins to feel the applied force.



Rape thereby is motivated by hatred. Or whatever. Some emotional baseline that connects to the perceived breaking and generates joy that way. Now would I not need to say what I want to get it. The spirit would guide their feelings - and I guess what I have to say is that what they would do to me might seem a bit ... too extreme; But is totally wanted. The only thing left were for me to express my state of pleasure therein - and by then you might want me to confirm as much as possible. Now, how could you however believe me if I were barely aware?
Is it necessary?

Possibly not. I mean ... whatever. Should come as part of the norm.


... But OK, thats it! I'm not getting anywhere with this! ... //2017.10.21|03:38
2017.10.22|09:15// Knowing myself ...


What happened, basically, is ... you can tell. I was about to take this somewhere - kindof did - but in the end I sortof "slipped off". Depending on whether you dig where was going with this or not; You would think that to be good or bad. What it was to me was in first place ... rough. There are all the things I've written so far that are neutral and somewhat important - and what do I do now with this? I had a few words on mind to refer to this; As to comment on the abrupt end - including a conclusion that I then think I should probably also get into some more 'here'.
I've also been getting somewhat depressed.

What happens are a variety of things - and guess that part of my reactions has so far not been really elaborated on; While - it sure fits at the end of a writing like this. There is the one side - which is where I think about whats going to happen, or should happen; Whatever; My conclusions about myself. Whatever the case - the important part about it is that I would feel like I'm not being properly understood. And you can insert that here whatever the heck I came down to. I don't know how to answer each and everyones questions; And while this certainly vibes in a tune of "you suck" because ... err ... I don't know what - I also worry that some people that "don't want to" understand are also going to needlessly drag this conversation down a road that I'm continously trying to argue against. The problem with 'misconceptions' on the other hand is that basically they don't seem like misconceptions to those that are misconceiving. And in the worse case that leads to biases. Their way of putting what they understood might just sound weird to me - I'd try and rebuke it - but eventually had to notice that its not too far off. But that is the whole problem here. How much of what? And the problem is that I don't have a straight answer. Thats the main issue. Its like ... each of us gets a jar filled with water, ... and then there is a pool; And I can't tell you how full the pool is going to be - because I can't look into other peoples jars; Nor can I tell how many there are going to be. Nor how they'd distribute their water; Sotospeak. I can suggest their jars are full - but thats how we get to one end; And ... its after all just a suggestion.


Thats why I was about to preface this whole article along the lines of "enough" (isn't going anywhere) - to have then some basis of moving on and further neglecting this end of the stick because it fucking drives me crazy!


So - one of my general reactions has been to ... basically curl up and wonder why we can't just simply ... go on! This clarity thing hasn't ever been about ... - uhm, well - its more elaborate now in that clarity 'barely' matters; Although it is "totally in charge" sotospeak.
This isn't about "now we all Clarity" and move on like that. All that matters is Unification and that through God we thereby have a way of getting together and along in peace. If two leaders of two nations find themselves in that same ship; They are going to trust each other more and will end up looking for more brotherly solutions and that should basically be alright with the majority of people in this Universe!

I hope! If not ... ... I don't know ... there isn't much of a thing; so why am I here?


Obviously I want to believe in the good ending.
And that isn't anything about my Clarity. But then Clarity is obviously going to be important when we start to be asking the more fundamental questions about ourselves and our existence. The purpose of Life if you so will. And thats where it starts for me to say that I'm a whore whereby I do suggest that this branch of ... lifestyle ... is one thing I can get behind and it seems that God is on board too. I think we can say that He supports my desires to an extent that is somewhat beyond consideration. I so don't find myself capable of being however else. Perhaps because I'm not even trying; And well - whether you believe it or not doesn't change the thing! I tried to some extent; And that extent takes me to an annihilation of my familiar existence - by basically turning into a faschistic moron.

So, once I've been done curling up and comforting myself with the idea that we might just be going on - the same thing happens. The previous paragraph is a "motion" that you can find "everywhere". There is a) a base of rationality and b) the reign of my clarity.

Its not something that I want because its glowy despite not matching my true agenda at all. It sure helps me to regard those parts of me that it does line up with as something I can get behind. Or to put it in other words: Once so coming forth from my curled up state; Well - I still know that I want to be a whore. Or ... would want to be. If ... - we for instance just zipped into a better tomorrow - or one where I however could be whatever I truely wanted.


But then there is that issue: What about other things I truely wanted? But the question there really is: What would I rather give up on?


And because I'm not too stupid I also get to realize that one part of this issue is the question for how this might work out within our society. Or whatever society we got to speak of when building upon Unification.

How could I know - as a guy that isn't a prostitute - benefit of something like a Whore? Hmm ... good ... point! I don't feel like just randomly going to a place in order to have Sex. Without money there is 'nothing' that could somehow regulate anything! And money - ... created exclusivity; Which at some points beats the purpose - and these issues are one way to get to a point of "whatever".
So - I don't know what to exactly think about there myself!


If its 'money and whores' vs 'no money and peace' I'd take the latter - but what to do with our peace?


All we can do - practically - is to get an idea of how this culture looks; How those with a greater investment in those issues get along and where now ... things open up.

This is where being a whore goes without Money - and what a whore is could totally depend on those 'inner circles'. That is however where I find myself back in a familiar environment; To say: An environment with sexual agendas for me to fit into.

As for what I expected as a whore - this is furthermore perfectly different to some "externally regulated" idea. The turnout isn't one of putting a bunch of people into rooms and taking care of it all looking clean; But one of living out the sexual truths that bind us together.


What I will then have time for and what not is a separate issue. It seems that it shouldn't matter at first. For deductible reasons!


Conclusing things isn't always possible - but if we know certain things for sure - we can start deducing. And thats a perfectly reasonable stance to take. Thereby; Whatever weird fetishes there are that drive me - it allows me to vaguely think about the places; But barely about the 'how'. We could build a dungeon and put respective individuals there - but without a habit that cultivates this; Its pretty much just nothing.

But well. On the one side I have relationships and on the other side a clarity. Both things 'should' matter - and because of 'habits' - there might be no other way but to take things little by little. Lets so "suggest" that 'bonding' implies some sort of mutual desire of being together; And there it stood that no matter how much I'd be getting prostituted - if that gets to a point where we are taken apart against our will; Or clarity or ... desires - it probably wouldn't come that far!

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CNS.2017.10.22|10:27|12:48



Two sides. There is always ... "that". So far at least. I don't know. The next point I'm going to make doesn't feel ... right. Its ... too silly. Too obvious. Too much like ... the whole point I'm trying to make. It feels like that is supposed to be or going to be the conclusion to this; But at the same time ... its kindof the complete opposite. 'Hence' I feel like there is someone or someones that are trying to make a point - being 'the other side' that rallys behind the idea that I'm wrong. Thinking of my argument then; The whole idea I get of that changes. And I stumble upon this a lot and it always gets me confused.

At the basis this point isn't too different from the previous stuff. It is just that, but, redrawn just one more time. But - instead of doing so - things went on in my head and now I see the counter-stance. I mean - sure. I might assume that making this point will free us up because "problem solved" - but that, it seems, is not how it works!

Therefore ... //12:59