Modeset: RetreiveFunction("Misery")

So, first childslave, death prior to 16 for some while ... and then ... life beyond that. So - there are the early 20s for me - and I try to understand whats ... good about it. Or, there were vague ideas - and I want them to be more concrete.

So - if I say: Prostitute at 16 - for a 'life thing' - the idea is pretty much to get snuffed before I grew beyond that 'sweet age'. And so I get older during latter iterations; Just before I get back into the younger stuff again.

So, the early 20s in me have a spot ... which is arguably my favourite. Its not though, as for once - so in the immediate context/contrast - getting snuffed young is better. And on the other side - growing up to my 40s were to include that ... just ... lasting longer. So, this is 'then' really where its at. So, my '40' "year old spine" - as the emphasized and decorated "main" of my spine ... .


What I get there is then really simple. All the 'creative' focus is on my young ages - and once I'm beyond that - I'm kindof boring; Where, the matching term I get is 'dumpster' - and the point being - well; Nobody cared how I felt (sortof) while getting me more and more fucked up. I can't think about what it were like to get there; To be that; As anything about how it went on - while, well, basically thinking that it is entirely unrealistic. But thats possibly what it is.

For it to 'become' realistic; There will need to be those that 'make it real'. And at this point 'that' particular thing is kindof far away.


What I want, in the way it makes sense, is usually tied to 'demand' or 'passions'. So - what I see myself becoming is at some points as simple as "inviting" people 'of a kind' - like, sadists particular interested in [so and so]. This is well and fine - but - it doesn't work out just like that. There has to be a "machinery" of sorts - as for me to be that dumpster; There will not only need to be those that use me; But also those that take care of me being usable there.
While I often like to compare 'my desire for rape' to a theme (merely window dressing) - there is though still a very real/raw substance to that; Which were something about empathy - you feeling me in some way; As personally: My cognitive configuration.

So there will need to be those with something of a 'hobbyist' passion in the whole. That is also a matter of demand/passion - but there is also motivation - fuelled - that takes care of hosting these kinds of interests.

From a normal perspective - this can come simple; As ... any simple gangbang situation were ... anything around that moment were just ... normal life. And so the slaves ... were normal people. All that being just ... some part of how we life.


OMG. This sucks. But OK - life and truth is complicated. So, none of this is to suggest that 'the main thing' of our/your civilization is to be anything of that. The Satanic church may have these things as a central element - but its supposedly ... "tucked away" - to be available for those who want to have a part to it or want to know ... whatever - while basically also being somehow as though it were not there. Like, whatever random program whatever random church/municipality had right now. You could go "there" and check whats going on - but unless you specifically looked for it; You wouldn't really find it. Sortof.


And thats a thing to learn: To not be actively involved into everything. Rather figure out what you're good at - and then get involved in a way thats actually help/meaningful.

And I get it. I'm genius and smart and valuable and all that - but so in a way that at some point just won't matter anymore.
And that should be a good thing. As most of the time I just got to complain, telling you how stupid you are ... stuff like that ... it would take you to be better than that ... and I can tell you that I don't see my patience being infinite!
(If I were God, you would be dead already - maybe even alive again - but surely, this planet would have been roasted! Possibly out of premature rage ... but yea ... I'm only human!)


Random Note: I still really love the idea of ... getting chopped apart. Sometimes ... slowly. Other times; Getting served ... so, being there and conscious while people eat my sawn off limbs.

Whatever. "Suicide Restaurant"? I ... sortof welcome the idea.


There then are those that do the killing and what not - at which point they yet are just culturally a part of something greater. And ... yea. As of this ... where such practices are more normal ... having a 'private' snuff-slut is ... kindof neat - and thats what I am to someone.


And I take it that sometimes the pain might be ... unbearable. The "magic trick" though is that along with it ... thats as I understanding ... mind is going to digest it as part of the all-over depravity; And ... this is now in detail a matter of what this depravity meant.

If it were something 'net negative' - so, uncomfortable, depressing ... making me feel not better - then it were a bad thing. The way it however works now is that this supplemental consciousness ... think of orbs that are connected in some way. Like, two orbs that are on a ring - and another ring going through those same points. These rings are to resemble the 'flow' of energy. Like ... "of you having fun". The way this works is ... well, this is some harmony - and if you now threw a nuisance into the system; Like - lets look at it as a third orb that only connects with one of the others; You'd get unhappy.
The 'fun' I feel in depravity is determined by this harmony. So, the feeling I get within (the right) misery is such harmony - and it is harmonic 'because' it resonates with my mind.
So - 'digesting' the situation I'll be more 'deprived' ... but ultimately that doesn't have any weight per se. Its just a label slapped onto a perception. It has to appear as 'nasty' to you because you would have things you wanted to do or be; And this kind of life would just be too much of a thing 'against' that. So, if you had a Garden you loved - this 'depravity' meant less time you could spend on it. That were the insight you got. "Now I'm here and I would rather be in my Garden"-ish.

My 'places where I would rather be' - they however all synchronize with this situation. And so, depravity here is also a forward 'there'. Its a thing I get anywhere in my life; And if I get more deprived here I can look forward to some upgrade elsewhere based on that.


At that end I become predictable. So, within Unification there then are those whom I'm satisfying in some way by being myself - and to them I'm 'the subject' they can be sadistic towards. So, they have a sadism - and as they expand on it they make space for me to exist. So, as they get their "kick" out of being sadistic; I get mine out of being "sacrificed"/victim to them.
So to make it simple: Within their sadistic ideas they need a victim. And there the victim isn't a person 'per se'; It is simply an item needed to ... make this sadism happen.
This then isn't as much of "a bunch of sadistic acts" - at the bottom the "creative vision" is what matters. Like, lets say, you wanted to make a movie where some madmen are the bad guys - and to show how bad they are you wanted them to be ... jerks maybe. So you would write them so to interact with a victim - imposing really really blunt sadism maybe. Too complicated. More simple: This can be thunk of as an electric cirquit with me being the lamp. If I so can be caught within a setting of ... stuff ... where my expression/situation meets their sadistic demands - then the lamp is on.


"Fun with Death and Sacrifice".


So were this (image) not to show me as a devote Slave; But an "externally controlled body" - containing a mind that lines up to its depravity. So there is a sense of devotion - but in this context it is 'beyond' the 'expressed point'; The expressed point being that I'm 'caught in a box' - sotospeak - so, not what I am; But what I am 'to others'. As such: Devoted to my own misery. As - 'property' of a mind/spirit to exist in that 'paradise'. And for sake of 'perfection' this devotion is considered as enforced upon me. And so to a point that you couldn't save me anymore; To say that this 'enforcement' has come to a point where its irreversible.

But OK - the Banner consists of two images; And what I "want" you to see there is how both images show the same 'type of personality' - one in a free and one in an unfree setting. Which is where I'm back at the "redhead thing". If we all just ended up living anonymous lives - normal lives - and we had an inverted side where we lived our "secret life" - I might end up being free - but really a slut. I'd be sortof desperate to get fucked - ... and yea, we've been there before.
Basically: In captivity I'm 'as free' - but - because my freedom is sortof ... random ... 'put' into 'the proper environment'. A.k.a.: "Yielded".

And so the excercise goes on. Here on the right - well yea; Its a pretty lady. Such has to be "taken" as we go and tell such stories by ... "available imagery" ... like ... 'models' ... doing their model thing; ... and so that.
This image doesn't sidestep any of what I am. Else I'd have to note it specifically so - as so else: It fits along the rest.
Initially it just "renders a feeling" - but at this point I can see more within that feeling; As so the 'perspective' of my own - as within that appearance - where I'm 'trained' towards being a whore; "a.k.a. Married into Prostitution". Being a Bride is somehow specific - as ... I'm ... 'married' ... into it. In other words is 'me as a bride' one way of "selling" this 'deprived slut' - and, while this might seem 'too abstract' for simplicity - that changed if the 'frame' around this image were some ... "slave dating" site; Where aside of superficial impressions there were other things to specify what to expect - at which point ... yea ... the individual images ... 'always' loose value in their proper context.

To the left here we "have what I call" 'cliche image'. In some sense those are 'as without value as it gets'. Except now in context to the one on the right it kindof - 'adds volume'. But neither image is to move into the foreground "that much" - as - 'in the foreground' there were the spine; Above it all. To me so this image on the left ... and images alike ... end up being somewhat superfluous - ... as there really isn't a specific kink to consume sperm like that. Not directly anyway. But it fits for me in regards to 'volume'. So - its a pixel of a mosaic at that point; Sortof.

I'm not really masochistic. I repeatedly repeat that - and that mostly when it seems like I'm really just a masochist. Yet - once I feel myself attracted towards (non sexual) violence; I don't "mean to be" beaten up for the pain; But for being put in place. So, at some point I think I need to be beaten; Not just for that - but also for the oppressors to mark their spot. They need to excercise some level of force in order to really ... 'get going'.

Now on the right - more ... "meaningless" images. But they are somehow important. They sortof are to say how I see myself in shape of being this victim. So - as translating that into 'Mistreated Bride' - yea, its sortof - kindof - really mysogenistic, maybe - but I think there are women who enjoy that sortof mysogeny ... without being mysogenized against.

A ... "pivotal" feeling for me is ... the "metaphorical" disappearance of any underwear. Underwear sortof implies - thereby - 'privacy' or 'autonomy' - and 'getting it taken from me' - is like saying that I don't have that; But instead 'am' "supposed to wear nudity: because".


But yea ... all 'these' desires come out 'as' there is a social frame to connect with. The 'misery I hold (dear) inside of me' - is still there; But now "happy" within society.

The bondage image to the left is... sortof bad. The motive itself delivers a strong point; But the more you think of it, the less 'practically real' it ... looks. And when it gets to ... "tranny" images ... I mean, pictures that are to sortof show my male identity within a female form - what I mean relates to that "strong point". I'm captive. And yea ... its a good setup for getting tortured - which is a neat detail I almost overlooked.

Where "last but not least" we have on the right ... "cringy"? ... "exaggerated"? - ... well, "problematic" pictures that yet ... end up being part of my "deck". The 'clear' 'word' to pop out there is 'force'. Obviously. Or 'forced'. And as it goes deeper; I'm sortof back to the top here - as - those are the "front" images - sortof - to what comes out there in the end. So, its all an in and through each other.

So, not to say that I 'need [this] particular thing'; But more like: If I have what I want - [that] is sortof the consequence.

Its kindof the same ... but the importance of being specific like this ... relates to the importance of how these things 'are to work' socially.



Societally.

These images all do have one thing in comon: I don't really care all that much about the looks in particular. So, I'm not saying there that I 'also' want to 'look' just as those models do - as, when it gets to that I consider that we are 'generally less fortunate' - saying - images that are 'spot on' onto our style may be somewhat off when it gets to the details and way around. Except it happens to be "one of those cases". Yea - we generally would however tend to "pick those" ... and so yea - all of those images have 'some' resemblance to my ideals in terms of style; But when it gets to 'style' per se; Things kindof change.
While mostly - thats irrelevant stuff.


I mean - "as redhead" I'd be that - while else; Thats just ... some void echo. Except it kindof ... 'tells something'. However. At some point the 'function' of these expressions aren't solely 'individual/independent'. I for instance "work off of the base" that the pictures that are 'to show me' are more factually "trophy shots" made by someone else.

As, once I'm masturbating (dildo up my butt) I get to a point where "I" am physically at an end. I have to "decide" whether or not I keep going on - and at some point the system is just ... 'done'. Yet, usually - sooner or later the desire/demand is back - and thats ... to me nothing to be concerned about since thats normal. I can't ... satisfy myself. Sotospeak.
Not 'per se' at least. So at that point 'what I want' is clearly beyond what I can give to myself - and I think thats where it comes from that I'm mostly passive; Generally saying that I were mentally/physically rather incapable of being 'a/the active part'.


So yea - its partially what I want - though so more in the context of a 'place/situation' wherein I 'discover myself'.

Which takes me to the point that expressing ones self in these ways may end up being ... more or less pointless. The thing though is that from the perspective of ones self - those images that reflect ones own emotions end up being 'the best' way ... at some point ... to 'enhance' what one's saying.

And yea ... so. Depression/Depravity/Misery doesn't really kick in on most of these images. So - there is some degree of happiness or comfort ... and in general that is fine. After all - I'm finally what I am - and if I'm 'properly' within my misery; I'm going to "look" ... generally speaking ... more satisfied.

And so - I don't think we need to be, not saying that we could, more accurate there; Except ... I'm not entirely happy with this. I'm thinking of something like a graph to put things into some proper volumetric context; But I'm not feeling that idea right now.


In a term of "online dating" - anyhow - I think we'd be looking for generalizable symbols. For instance - if you're looking for a slut; You're looking either for a 'whore/prostitute'; Or someone within your social ... whereabouts. So you wouldn't look for a Rape Slave if you weren't part of that culture.
Now, with the "Rape Slave" 'icon' on me - you would also right away have some general context; But thats where certain images end up 'meaningless'. They would help me to get there; But 'there' - nobody cares of whether or not I like to drink cum because ... thats how it is (I'll have to ... anyway - sotospeak/sortof/???). And actually so the images that depict me in my freedom are at the end the more valuable parts. Thats the 'context' where the sadism goes off from ... something like a 'final flavour'; Which then also came down to how I looked like IRL - just, to kindof see 'where' I'm standing on my board.
And yea - at that point any picture showing some well rounded woman were ... right away ... not 'the thing' right now. But those yet are 'real' "echoes" - that this whatever I am sortof means to fit into.


And so to the right - we have something thats like 'as spot on' as it gets. The wear doesn't matter; It shows me in the 'right' (slave baking) position; Somehow as an ordinary "wife" but ... kindof 'not' - as being all in all in a disempowered state; But still ... 'upright' ... so, "wearing it with pride" or such; While somehow ... there is some degree on suffering that is essential to the motive. (Its like a 'dog' begging for candy, except bound into that position.)


This whole article - from where the images start to matter - can be compared to any other collage or collection ... ID statement ... whatever - in that it seeks to express something. We so start simple ... and diversify as we move on; And in the end the 'first' image should carry all the things that followed - and thats when we can call it 'round'. So, each image is important in its own way; As the 'creator' has a purpose for it - or a meaning. Those can admittedly end up being ... more random than 'elaborate' ... but still ... there's ... some reason - and be it just 'artistic freedom'.

So - in some case now the picture of a woman wearing a strap-on can thus be just as 'depriving' as ... a butchered victim. What matters is the context. So, on the sheet(s) that reflected my male gender - it'd be sortof ... 'that'. What it is. So - to say - that my manliness is shrunk into a piece of plastic.

But so - "speaking of context" - between left and right there is ... well ... a huge stretch. Now, what that stretch is filled with - that should be clear by now. More or less. More accurately the one on the left has to however be somewhat separated from the bulk. As a 'thing' it would only pop up ... in specific "environments".


But yea. There also is something off about "being a dumpster". To me at least it seems that ... well, it feels like when being filled with too much cum and it starts getting sticky and uncomfortable. And well, between ... 16 and 23 ... thats ... 7 years. 7 Years of, ... nothing but being bound to get fucked?

I want to think/believe that its a thing - that there is this "wild layer" in existence - to get speaking of our 'wildest dreams' - yet at certain points I feel like ... sex drive is in a decline. Maybe because/when I want(ed) too much. So, in a sense I think of this as: Getting 'dumped' at 20 may be more effective at delivering what I want there than being ... grown ... that way.

But ... 'getting grown' that way is kindof where my heart is at. So - to never leave the boundary of prostitution/rape.


Then, on another note: Interaction. So - I just had this "vision". In the beginning once the full extent of the violence/brutality I had to expect were just a slap ... so, to get started - ... there are two ways. One is to just 'take it' - but on the other end I could say "thank you" and therefore - 'add' to the situation; "Igniting" it practically to encourage further violence.


I see it so that a lot of these things end up being "entry level" ideas. So, how things may begin. Some general context like that. But then ... the 'long term goals' are sustainability.
Where now on the right ... this to me is something of a 'desperate attempt' - "at something". The way it works for me though is that a) There has to be a picture that touches on the 'despair/misery/...' side; Where next to that I then may add images that are to somehow draw "my Character" surrounding that. The problem were that each 'proper image' has its own depth - and that might be different to the misery part. Although that stuff then also kindof came back to it. But ... then, ... somehow, ... my 'but' to all that is that they are somehow ... "too entry level-ish". Except - this 'entry appearance' "has to" work as 'depth'. So, instead "from tame to pervert" - its "from pervert to tame". Which kindof is to say that for the 'full picture' - these images may be too soft. Or they were to "speak" of some "entry level naivity".

So in a way that I had to change these images - but - they are still how "it" works for me. As simply: Two sides of a coin - more or less. In that sense: The 'to be expected' depression; Thats something I have to 'deal with' - its something I have to expect; Whether my images accurately reflect it or not. So - depth is there added by the culture I'm communicating myself to.


And the image to the left is then one of those that works for me in 'that' context. And I think its important about it that it doesn't specifically cater to some particular sexual activity.

I mean - "the Dumpster" were all (and only) about getting stuffed with cum. And more important than 'mechanically' realizing the essence of that; It were a matter of 'understanding' 'what' adds to it. Like - time ... in between times ... that is - different. As that is then kindof back to "entry" - it can yet go further. So - as - outfits can become parts of a kink; Characters/Personality can as well.

(By the way: "As that bride" - there on the left - "she" is that type of me that would see herself getting fucked in the eyes too. (Inwardly, I think, I would ignite in dislikes about it - as one of the things that I want.))



OK, so - as I'm writing this I ... get "further away" from something thats somehow important. I think to draw some proper lines - certain things have to be 'somehow' managed physically. Or semi-physically. Something like - 'first of all' I stand behind a line; And with me - in that area - are people with some demand on me; And that 'area' is the first important thing. So, what I am/have to become happens there - and how I were dressed up around that is another thing.
Where now to the right - this is, completely ... different. I would normally not really come to use this. Its abstract. And you may discover in which way after realizing 'how' this would work on me. So, I were put into a situation where I had to excercise my whoredom with independent confidence. And that has been previously touched upon as "outside things". Like ... "common paradise" ideas. Except, when "molding" this image towards ... my personality ... it wouldn't look like that. I'm not that type of person. But there is a point - where I say: Yes I'm a slut and a whore and I would like to get used.

But it can also work in that ... deeper context. There were ways to "tickle that out". And yea - its kindof like some of the images shown already. While that to the left has to be considered thereby - that - I'm, when it gets to 'relevant' ideas - more like that.


It may seem like most of what I am is something like ... punishment. I can see that. David ... maybe deserved it so - I possibly did stuff based upon which I deserved it - but that ultimately would suggest that "being offended" had some merits to it. So, that I had to exist as you demanded it based on some sense of social justice.
That I can tell you is false. At least for me. I see how my origins have made me - mostly - and you can see that David was a bit of a pussy from the get go. Still with 10 times more kills than the second in charge; ... allegedly; ... But if that meant ... I mean ... I don't ... do you? Would you? Say/Want ... whoredom being the punishment for such people?

No! In heaven we want it differently. Say - the story with Bathseba. I suggest she was attractive to me/him - to speak of it so that there was some higher link; And her husband was just ... not powerful enough. He might still be her husband then; And she would be some mistress of mine - and so I were his bitch. That now however not because I "killed him" ("it wasn't me!"?) - but because of what I am. So would he have some issues with me - but our coexistence wouldn't be one of fiendship - but one of Love. Our past would ... if it mattered ... be of some minor emotional relevance - to say - now that we can see each other 'for real' ... we can solve our problems ... no problem. In the greater sense he had loved me before any of that occured - while I can kindof say that I would do it again. Not because of him, but because of her.

And yea - well - ... David. At some point that might be all you knew of me; But to me is just a smaller fraction of everything; While still living a life that isn't fitting me - so my actions are more like shadows ... of my personality. So, while I was a King and my actions were "Kingly" ... most of that were just matter of the form - while 'my inner goodness/righteousness' had a way of coming out here and there in process.



I can however not 'live' off of the idea that my life is punishment. If I get impaled to get BBQed I don't want it to be punishment; But a reward. And that is where I feel synergy. Where 'the rape' is consensual ... and mutually wanted. Or ... my agony for that matter.

And yea - on that basis its easily comprehensive how 'non rape/sex' stuff might happen. I mean - thinking of my death, it were - once things are culturally solid - one thing that belonged to me where I was treated like a pet/animal. Part of that identity - which were basically my 'public handle'. So - where things are less personal - I were "that" - because, thats how I matter.
And where things 'are' personal - it is important that this 'label' ... is what mattered.
I mean - thats the base on which we connected.

//2017.08.12|01:11


The more images I get - ratio wise - with a cock in "my" mouth; The more the image feels ... right. It gets you to wonder: Is that all there is? And the answer has to kindof be 'yes'.

I mean - one thing I make of these images in hindsight is that actually ... you had to also put a 'horror filter' onto practically each and every single one of them. So that instead of making it up on 'events' like 'Party' - that were a matter of 'locations' like 'Torture Chamber'. And there the 'hope' were to use all sorts of tools to a point of 'satisfaction'.

And what I'm trying to say - emphasize - is that I there am/want-to-be a 'victim to that'. To say that what I 'can' now shouldn't be indicative of what I 'want to be capable of'. And nature here has it that this means - ... zero tolerance from the get go. Technically. I have to 'learn' what it means to be their slave ... 'technically' also. But ... then ... people have to consider that my response is somehow biased by what I 'can'. And by that I mean - feel - know - understand - that once I get really ... opposed - thats a part of me that isn't unchallenged. And somehow it is that counterpart which drives me into it.

To say: There are ways to deal with that - outside of ... considering it as a reason to end.

In a way were those tears - supposed there were any - that came from getting fucked up nonetheless ... 'happier' than others.
As a 'rape slave' then - so I see it/feel me - I would expose myself in a sense of ... sadness. Instead of wanting a cock in my pussy - I want to get saddened ... sotospeak.

And ... I kindof feel, ... this is enough; But ... it also sortof swings back to a point that doesn't feel right.


The thing being that whether I get what I want or not - that ... can't be an issue because ... what 'can be wanted' that way? I want many things - in some other way of putting it - and what mattered 'mostly' is the environment wherein there is a high chance for me to get them.

For that we 'have to' trust God that if He says I'm a whore - there are going to be people to appreciate that. So - this weird idea that I might end up as unfuckable because X and Y - that ... were exceptions; If at all - to say: Private issues. If at all. I mean - it "can't be" - outside of ... certain misfortunes that have a chance of occuring; As 'independent reasons' for considering certain courses of activity.

Now for me - a lot of this is 'internally' safe; To the point of my dislikes; Where - I can see that what really matters to me finally is 'the ability to grow/adjust' to those situations. I would see any act of torture - in the right context - as points along the line that sustain this growth.

As yea - "duh" - they come as part of what I want. There are cases where I 'couldn't' align to that. If I had an ache that just demanded my consciousness in a 'non excited' way for instance. Enough so that social balance is shifted towards caring. Else there would be 'excitement' to be had.
It are conscious things. As for instance ... having vivid thoughts that wanted to come out. Nobody could ... really ... do anything against that.

But yea. Me getting to the bottom of myself in the 'written' sense does to me work like that. Its an 'event' that makes certain things more conscious to me - and as I get to rest; I'm ... uplifted by those experiences. And so - if all I see myself as is a whore (sex toy) - so another thing - just how much of my body is present is secondary. For instance. Not saying that a crippled me would be ... that good for everybody; But from my perspective - for as long as it doesn't mean 'less sex/stuff' ... there's no problem.

And that really helps formulating a 'core function'. That so 'my privacy' consisted of 'adjusting' to those situations; And as my expectancy inhernatly demands 'trauma' - as to say: depravity in this sense - there really isn't much of a limit; As, thats one of the things about 'that' extreme of sadism. Its ... 'there at the end'. It is 'the limit'.

And we know what humans like to do about limits.

The thing so is that 'within my dark cell' - thats where my mind 'evolves'. It evolves, on one side, consequencially to what is being done in way; Yet on the other end only in a supportive manner. And thats ... something God does.
Those seals, more to the point, in what they 'let happen' and what they 'block'.


And such is what comes out of that. I mean - at this point I'm trying to cultivate some image; And so I try to be pretty - and of my inner going ons these images would sortof disqualify - but I can't supress them.

I kindof think its safe to say that after all - I'm more into the demise than the orgasm.

On another note - towards the brighter side - I think there are those cases where locking me up in the dark weren't good. So, those were moments where I had it rough and deserved some ... recovery time; Hot chocolate stuff.

Like ... after ... Sauna. In some way.

But still certain 'gestures' were yet appreciated.

And so - at some point my ... dislikes ... were as real as they got. Thats ... where I be. The bad way were like Alcohol on an empty stomach. Well ... in some way there is a top; Where I'm a Godess and my sexual desires were my own ... as the opposite to a bottom where I'm ... just some prisoner whore. And yea, thats another filter you could put on top of everything.
In the idea that however also 'still' were a 'me tied to a bed/room' scenario.


OK. Dungeon. I think of it as a circular construct; And in the middle is some ... "bonfire". Thats where the worse stuff is happening. Being at the center is I think in part an item of clarity. If you know you're there - you know it. If you know you would rather just watch/be a bystander - then you're not that much in the center; But so - part of an audence around it.

Anyhow. In some sense were each ring now dedicated to a different audence; And one ring would be composed of multiple components. This were one thing to establish within the Academy. Or ... Church.

Now me - alias Amaterasu - were the central pillar of "worship" - alias victim - and Gaia were there surrounding that. In the sense is Gaia captive 'towards' glorifying this situation.

I have individual wishes and desires. At some points I've noted some ... discomfort that would work against that ... and maybe some of those wishes work like that; Generally however they are irrelevant - as they all are 'bound' to fade away in process of my 'descent'. But well.
So, while sadism is a theme throughout that dungeon - there is that sadism in the center; And thats the 'first line' I would draw. Myself therein. This is however flawed in some way because the center is furthermore 'specialized' on stuff - and while it 'glorifies' me as grand example - this idea still draws from the entirety of the dungeon.

OK - ... so that. What else?


I think the main reason why I need a strap-on rather than a real cock ... well. I don't 'need' it I think. It just so happens that once I masturbate and come on a sadistic vein of mine - I ... don't really feel good afterwards. I feel horrible, even. To my understanding the problem here is the orgasm; As mine shouldn't be what motivates me. I'd fuck until I came; Though I should stay focussed on causing harm with it. This were on one side the 'juices' of love between Baphomet and myself - and also ... a way 'on' for me - to love the depression on my victims faces.

I mean - further - while at some point something like 'month tied to a fucking machine' seemed absurd; In the end ... its one way to 'do it'. I mean - to have some ... end-result of some sort. All one had to do is to feed me.

In theory. Plus ... stuff ... .

I think this is a layer. Simply put ... . Although. On another note. To me pregnancy and death are somehow close together. And so my pre-teen years. ... And my life in general.


Well ... 'years' then. This is ... important, as also to think about my desires. The way it works for me is that starting off with some ... form of torture ... say ... "6th Birthday Rape" ... to meet the end by death rape ... "before I get 16" ... - my considerations are based on a feeling ... more specifically: Lust or some form thereof. Here I just change a number in my mind - effectively - to get to some point that feels best/right. If I for instance think of 'getting introduced' to 'whom I want to be with does it' - 3 month seem fair for a start; While effectively not being enough. There are things however that give this '3 month' approximation some credibility.
1 day/night wouldn't do it - thats for sure! Isn't it? Well ... 1 day might already be too much - in some other regard. But again - its the lifestyle that mattered; ... and I'm known for being a quitter; And 3 month is a good ... estimate for how long that takes.

So, I cannot practically fill that time with meaning or purpose as all I see myself as is a victim. Its ... a thing where I don't fully understand ... I mean, I can't fully 'relate' to my ... opposites. I can relate to them on a base of emotions. Knowing what they "need to want" - where, I can see on how much I'm drawn into this topic just how much that can add up to. But ... what my experience doesn't give me is 'the full experience'.
And so - being a child, set to get raped to death over the course of years - that on one hand side cultivates the right feelings for me; Though I can't really imagine how someone were to fill that time, though in the idea I might be a half dead mutilated semi-corpse - and I'd still be a slut/pet.
I mean, like, with chains through my bones - chained to a dungeon wall ... for instance.

So, that is me for the 'gory' people - and I'd say that the less attractive I am to the wider audience; The more of that I'd be. And so - even if I were as attractive as it got - at some point people were satisfied (for the time being) - and so I wouldn't be as attractive anymore. This is a context wherein I feel the desire for being ugly.
By the way.
Though, here to the left, the 'normality' filter above that situation. The basis of 'endurance' is within 'motivation' - and 'clarity' consolidates 'certainty' therein. I believe.


But yea. First my ties into prostitution are private; Then ... they are what they are ... prostitution. So I think ... what my progress is/will be about is that first my private ties want to draw some lines; But then - before taking me any further, I have to work as a bitch ... for those that want to have a piece of me. So - for some time I will be in some spectrum of prostitution; Thereby satisfying a certain crowd - and as I grow out of that; They will have someone else to get at.
They wouldn't care much about where I'm coming from and where I'm going to - except that is kindof the point there.

But yay. On the 'reals' ... the dungeon doesn't matter so much. It were an environment - thematically at least - for those patroning me to get some heat off; While at the basis the 'handing me around part' works in any sense.
And that'd be my life. Captivity - fucked by strangers; Tortured by my beloved - until one day getting leashed to the person thats going to take care of my final agony.

I think - something that really helps 'filling' all that time is the emotional aspect thereof. Like - a 'real sadist' would first want to however establish an emotional link to the victim; As to so 'feast' on its suffering. As of that my wellbeing were desired; feat. of Heaven; As this in the sense effectively signals my a) 'juiciness' and b) longevity. I mean, if I were a nuisance to the point you'd just want to get rid of me; ... I hope that all you did were being too soft on me. I mean - yea, self explaining.


Yea, this goes into a/the right direction - but now I feel somewhat hollow in my pregnancy thing.
A real 'pedo mum' spreads her legs for rapists. She likes to 'serve' her child as a sexual delicatesse - and proudly carries it within herself. Except she wants to see it grow up as her child.

So. Randomly. But more to the point I think the issue comes as a matter of destinct lifetimes. As the dices suggested - certain moments were decisive towards some outcomes. Although my owners are free to mingle and mix things up - playing around with me - things shouldn't always go the same way. For this life of mine however; I think the 'main thing' would be to ... get me tortured hard - while expecting me to show my compliance yet. Say ... for me ... holding up my butt signalling that I'm willing to get fucked is a thing. Its like I'm supposed to have learned that "in school" (by training/normality).

In that regard there is a 'scope' of extremes I could be happy with ... sortof ... while none of those things were to ever go 'too far'. Nothing too frequent, nothing too hardgcore, nothing too absolute.
For which I think this would work. To say, I have a 50:50 chance to live a somewhat ordinary life, with a 1 in 6 chance to not get snuffed off. 'Snuffed' in this sense means, or is to mean - I think: Generalizable. Like, suicide offerings. 'Quick Death' is something like that I suppose; But quick is here meant to be relative. Its 'death rape' done quick however; So, not holding any punches, gradually moving forward until I'm eventually dead or killed. Gradual Descent is slower - its like Quick Death in that sense - yet each gory phase comes along with additional exploit.
Torture Romance then is to say: Keep me alive for as long as possible; With a strong focus on 'constant agony' - sortof; So, my agony as substance to the romancing - and me "deprived" self as a whore/companion.

My representation may be a bit sloppy - as each 'field' basically is to exist in interest of a 'consumer base'. It so just gets less gory towards the left.
Maybe 'snuffed' can be put in brackets - to a '50:50' (kindof) chance of dieing old. So, possibly giving it a 2/6 to 4/6 chance respectively.

Not good? Well - it ... usually sucks ... if you know its got to be 'something' - where you'd throw the coin basically more so to just confirm that. So, if the coin/dice lands on th wrong face - you then know it.

In general I think I'm in for 'gradual descent' at any rate; Where now on the left side we had something of a 'slower' and 'less pronounced' one. So, here the gore wouldn't be the main thing - except, certain consequences of course.

Well - ... so.


There isn't much to add - I think.//2017.08.12|04:34

Except maybe that being loved for being a pet ... thats ... where it went in regards to the 'fairy' thing - social growth; That. Which is (should be) - at this point - like saying that 'sometimes cheese has holes'. And sometimes it doesn't. Once I were a real woman I'd for instance 'certainly' be really 'hot' for it - to the point of being a mother and family whore. And in some way this feels like - this 'harmless' life is going to become larger as we get going; As it also works 'consciously' as ... 'relief' to the 'stress' that the 'thinking of horrors' imposes. I mean - in the end my death is still more or less just as climax to mostly 'non deathy' stuff. There to say that yea - 'rape me and don't mind'. Except - ... not quite like ... 'out of comission'ed - except when thats appropriate.

OOC for some time; Like ... 'normally: recovery time explicitly needed' (except for rape slaves).

Except sometimes. I mean - thats ... something I can't denie either at this point. That so there is ... climax after climax ... also a respectively huge desire to ... have it other ways. Like - mostly even without specific/any 'oppressive demands'. But not entirely.