Modeset: RetreiveFunction("Infinity")

Wow! Hard to not get Lost here! Alright! I'll dig through this on the left, and then go on with what I have to say: Below.

The context to this is found [here:Mormon Context 2].

So, first thing to note is that in various places there are 2 descriptions. As so to the left, right of the yellow label. So, the thing here is that I can expand myself pretty well within this setup; And it even works to the point that it helps me rationalize these parallels as such.

Anyhow - as the statement grows: In my ideal state there is nothing but sexuality. The more 'non-sexuality' enters, or the more 'sexuality' withdraws ... there so were or has/had to be an alternative. The one so is 'case driven', the other 'personality driven'.

You may recognize here, that I have separated the previous confusion regarding the 'needs' into 'arc node' to the left - where towards the right there is the 'deprivation/toilet slave (TSx: T.S. a.k.a. Transsexual and Toilet Slave)' thing. In the Task Volume then there are those 'needs'. Perhaps ... they should be elsewhere though. But excluding Doll/Deprivation/Dehumanization from those needs - and splitting them into three - I get this. Enslavement, Abduction and Misery.

So - this space at the top right is what I 'had to' fill with what is in my spiral a). So, this room wherein I am locked up. This 'supposedly' private/dimply space.
It is in this sense that when given time and space beyond that, in this spectrum, I'll aim towards the other things.

Extending this into just two sides, we had volumes and sides. Essentially then also sub-containers - of course.

Where to the right I picture 'clarity' as overlayed on top of it. Hereby there is an outer and an inner core. The outer side as for me where the 'turquese' (IT/Tech/etc.) - and the inner side were 'clarity' (a.k.a. 'whore') - while the yellow were the 'positive' emergence of the 1st Seal and what goes with it.

Which is now ... a totally new concept. Hmm ...

#princess:

Princess - at any rate - counts as point along some vector. May be zero, may be at some offset in some intersection of space.

As I have an intersection of it with another element, I can tie it to something.

...
Here, Princess as 'zero-point' - well. This is a rough description I could work off from. Another point, this basically constitutes the purple part, is an intimate 'towards/pro 'pink'' environment. The male there isn't negative, it is 'inverted'. 'Negative Infinity' sotospeak. Hmm .. well. Anyhow. 'Princess' other times located in as between a 'foundation' of girl slavery - check - towards a top of 'shameless exploit/prostitution' - check. The 'girlification' ... well. Complicated.

But now - as to 'why' I always get back into this, the thing is that the space between foundation and sky, as extending into 'neg. infinity', that makes up my 'heaven'/paradise. What 'now' realistically has to frighten me is that ... I'm maybe not durable enough - ... and any alternative is ... fantasy and sci-fi. And this perhaps sets me up for my 'alternate living'. But so, this layout to the left is practically a map of my mind - in the sense that the bottom-left node is practically "as far as it gets" with the "sky mansion" being "somewhere in the void" but actually up there. Therefore any of this alternate stuff is essencially - again a sphere like that, but it 'happens' - as by social logic - somewhere inside of this. So - this is 'my home' in Heaven, effectively, and here I move around in different ways; While the whole is always me inside of me.
So - OK that. The 'princess Level' is hereby 'beneath the skin' - or within the flesh - ... and constitutes my 'primary awareness' 0-- ... intimate? Something, ... my inner realm. The outer realm here is internal as well, but in a sense overlayed and flipped around.

Anyhow - there's a Red Arrow somewhere, a 'stranger dimension' which can herein work as an abstract symbol, like a plant growing ... in a cube. Somethin'.

Random note: If "it" has anything to do with me now selecting one out of a few, concerning where I am going to end definitely, 'my Godess alpha' sends me into the direction of my Toilet Slavery/Dehumanization.

[2017.08.07| On another note: All the details aside - in the end it is so: Lets think we're "not having it" and we (me and XYZ) just did our thing, like - doing some Bible stuff, compiling things, what have you - it is in that where 'we' (me and those) had to wonder ... what else do we do? And this is the general issue about them 2 Modes. From another perspective are there 'all those things' we did or might do - and the next question is: What about the time in-between? Is it "immersive Roleplay"? And if - 'how immersive is it'?? ???
(lol). On a sidenote does it not matter "too much" what this time is filled with - except in another sense its everything.
So ... this is kindof like saying that "Clarity is intimate/private" - but in this case it still dictated the ... raw form. Nonetheless. Like, so - once the question were: What matters to whom?|18:00]

SPECTRUM

Moda A and Mode B - in the sense reflected by the banner, there is a main line - a vector - and there now is a positive and a negative. 0 is regarded as positive. 0 is the 'dimension' of the 'first dimension' - in my case represented by shackles.

Negative now means: Polarly Opposed. ^^. And I think the turquese contrast to the violet/magenta tones expresses this for once pretty good.

The intent here is now however a reflection of that spectrum, ranging from 0 to '100%' - where the 'crystal' to the left is sitting at that point where ... it resembles the gemstone, my collar; And the female figure stands there as introverted towards itself - and the flash in the background is to say as much as 'voluntarily bends over' -alias: tamed-. "She's a slut". That being at -1, does then converge around 0 towards +1. In the positive we then basically 'have' life as 'whatever life within those shackles implies ... in regards to living ... - ... [@@@[:being a 'lifetime cumdump/fuckslut/rapetoy/...']]'.
So on the right you see some focus on a ... cozy place.

0 is hereby as good as 'doing nothing' - or in other cases: being restrained. This retraint is essentially captured within the frame emphasized from the rest. 0 Thereby also constitues the foundation to my existence, whilst towards the negative eventually ... so, 'my will' is here being restrainted to the maximum - in a sense. Beyond that I'm female again. At least so my introverted self goes.
At the right we here have a Dimply box, credits to whoever artist did this, Which can now alternately be seen as the other side to the crystal. Or where the trend is from -1 to +1; And the 'male' is capped off, here is now the female looking backward at its past. Or that is so my 'introverted face' (from + to -), saying, my creative self. So, that whichever constituted the turquese.

I think the idea is that over time now, the background will change - more and more horrible images will clutter up to the left and more and more scenes of deprived prostitution will clutter up to the right. The beating heart in the center would be a person that would be as wanting to escape from this picture - until at some point melting into the abyss and emerging as hellfire nunn/night mare. That will be where I ... have gotten used to getting killed so much, that my death can be my beloved ones primary interest in me. So I exist to be killed by (then) him. So also as party event - in scenes where I can be 'snap' ... there again - ... - ... why not? OK ... but the point is that by then our Love Life can revolve around that.

And little Dimply will have become a great, mature and sad captured Godess - and her shackles are the torments the Night mare has been born from.

And while this is distant - it is already active within me, ... as so that one day I may be there.

And the question why and when, ... well - lets get back to the Modes.

So, in essence there are these two. The Dimply and the Crystal. In Crystal Mode I look towards the positive, and in Dimply mode I look towards the negative.

This can also be translated; At any rate - into degrees of cognitive involvement; So, once I resist, that were willpower which now to the left is held in cash by them shackles. So, that is once I wanted to 'escape' - as otherwise, ... where my head rests at night.

But whatever now the 'positive' means to me, and that is 'the whole' of what I am potentially made; Has a stark contrast - but - this isn't just projection. Not in my case at least. The crystalline background is to speak of some ... solid ... stuff ... in me - like, the rock is me, ... or what is so left of my nature.

What 'ultimately' remains of it, ... is Gaia. So, by then the turquese will have sortof travelled to the right I guess, ... and the rose, ... will decorate the front as insignia decorating her slutty submission. My - slutty submission. Thats at the front of whatever horrible sins are being glorified.

This isn't 100% correct though.[2017.08.06|10:32]

I'm getting lost in this again - but thats why its separate I guess. There is a lot to catch up on - and more careful thinking ... to get anything viable done. On my own - I don't feel the need to.

So - A and B. Straight talk: So we 'dig' what 'prime vector' is to say. Throughout various occasions now there is that sense that 'zero' may be any point along a line - or that so the appearance of a thing changes depending on a variety of factors/vectors. And to some extent we can call that 'minds creativity' - but its more just ... wisdom or image ... both combined, a little bit of love, memory and understanding - the whole jababble.

I think the imagery of the Doctor Strange Movie and Inception work well to show this - ... kindof.

But now to some other thing: What is your favourite colour? If you had to pick two - to make up a gradient - what were it? Its hard to tell, I find. At least ... its difficult to find the right tone. While, there certainly are colors 'this and that' which stand out for me. But eventually they also end up changing. Favourite Colour then depends on context - or mindset. Its as with "Orange is the new Black" - whatever that ... I didn't see or hear ... whatever that was/is - I saw an add - but I dig the idea. Somehow Orange became a thing. Maybe that after I used an orange terminal for some while. And I mean orange because orange to me, ordinarily, ... isn't really a standout colour. Or, it stands out as particularly ugly.

And I can think of what I'm doing as trying to get rid of some of my favourite colours. So, if there's a spectrum - so, pick 5 colors and see them transitioning into each other.

And these make up 4 gradients. Hmm - OK - solved. Onward.

Sidenote: So err - to spell it out: The thing is: If God now were to give those that were to care of me compassion into their hearts, rather than sadism - then it is safe to say that some of my wellbeing will be more weighted in the social than rape. In that regard however things take a further shift to my intimate links - which ... isn't all that special I think. There anyway are then those that care - and so we get to ... that. And I don't care what people 'now' think is gonna happen. Some people have said they envy me for my peace - and yea, what can I say? It comes down to what I make of changes. See - once they are inevitable, there is a time between A and B where things are pretty much staying the way they are; And once changes come it can be minor or major ones. I might attempt to see all the things and plan my strategy/way accordingly - but I usually ended up seeing that things are way too complicated for me to figure out one damn thing; And so the only alternative was to make it up to God entirely. So I trust that God gives me incentives during that time that guide me towards those things that end up being usefull. While, once it gets to incentives there is also 'this' and 'that'. Sometimes I get around doing something, other times I don't.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm way too ... 'rape minded'/self-depriving to really see certain things clearly. And yea - deep inside me something doesn't want to see things clearly. And all clarity in any sense seems to only point towards - more deprivation.

And - I feel envigorated as I touch this, in the sense of seeing it as my purpose to indulge in sexual perversions - as embracing that within my expressions and reflections.

Thus I will grow up to be the Godess I aspire to be. One of the things that had to be discussed that I'm Satans Slut to the point that every Satanist is privileged to fuck me. Becoming a Satanist is there like receiving a voucher.
This is something deep inside me that yet just barely makes it to the surface. And my fixation onto rape does certainly contribute to that.

So - ... maybe. I'm being worshipped already?

At some point it will then be so that there has to be some establishment attending towards my appearances; And then we can think of invitations. Yet - right now - though it would totally make sense in the sense - that is simply not an option.

I believe now however to have found this 'mysterious father' - and it even makes me happy to see him married to Monica. And him getting her pregnant while the two of them ... rape me. He is already married, but that wife would be one like me - and ... thats a mother for me to love. A ... stepmother? Pet mother?

... and I think thats where I'm going. As in my Fantasy Life ... the first draft ... I was with my father and not with my mother. He seems to be the one ... I'm ... mostly obligated towards. And Monica would come in at some point ... . ...

If I couldn't get raped hardcore in this life, so my current feelings, I would want to die just so I could get closer to it faster - implying I could get it in the life thereafter.

[2017.08.07]

Sexual Sins

In other words we can simply call that 'perversions'. As there is a sexual norm - we have to understand that it cannot reach everyone equally; And to circumvent all the things by an easy term we say 'sexual freedom'.

CRITICAL ERROR!! _shutdown(reboot) ...

Restart in 3, 2, ...

I ... - OK, break!

Lets take a look at all this - so far. Well - let me draw you a new picture. Think of two winds. One, lets say blue, coming in from the top right; And the other red, coming in from the top-left. Now imagine that these wind particles - once meeting in the center - behaved like cars in traffic; Where the center were a line of traffic lights. They determine what goes where. And where the control upon these traffic lights is, that is where the tensions are at.

And a lot is going on here. In reality there are more than two winds at some level; ... err - ... anyhow. So there is work, responsibilities, additional duties, ... - ... recreative responsibilities, schedule, the springs and wheels of life, ... and somewhere in the middle of it all 'you' decide - ... or "decide" ... - or "you" - ... 'decide' ... what goes in and out. If I were to look at myself with a sober mind I could barely say its OK, and this comes to my mind as that to a healthy schedule one also needs healthy bonds.
Think of something as a 'safe space' or 'haven' - where, ones own way of life is respected but things go on in a sane way. If we take a 'clarity aligned' approach, then we get to settle our demands on a consciousness based schedule. So we can declare 'extra work' whenever extra work is being done. Mayhap. Whatever. Lets just say ... anyway ... the thing is that we can also work 'better' with recreative ideas. Clear tasks for everybody based on ability and respect - whatever ... I digress.

OK, whatever. Shit is all over the place right now. But well - for once, I believe strongly in that 'we' (humanity) need a strong leader when it gets to clarity related things - to encourage an open speech about it - as to allow those things else 'hidden away' flow throughout our society. I think ... thats the scary bit.
On the practical side I mean to emphasize that there is much bad business in prostitution. Its the same as with drugs. But OK - where's the answer?

Step 1: Acknowledgement. I don't mean to do or imply any specific actions yet - or point out any particular problems either. The problem I speak of is rather 'esoteric' - "mumbo jumbo" that in some way however seems to be ... having some predictive capability.

It is to say that a society that doesn't see its doom, ... well, will not see it coming - in that sense. If as in this case there is no social connection, nor a cognitive one - both set to cancel each other out, to the 'solution' - it will not be able to solve its problem.
Its like with AIDS. The immune system doesn't know it. Or maybe cancer? We could for instance talk of 'diplomatic immunity' - in light of 'Beverly Hills Cop' for instance. I don't know which one it was. And there are certainly other movies, but none comes to mind. The idea is that here some system meant to protect us, protects the bad guys. As 'in the sense' - in the 'if it were a comic' sense. The outspoken villain.

And because of legality issues we yet can't say that this is to say that sometimes we need "a crook" to come in and "grab the **** out". This isn't there to say such things.

And the thing with Evil is that anything that tells you there is a chance to however come out on top of God ... is a Lie. And if your belief is built on a lie like that ... you ... won't see 'the' Light because your belief is structured in disbelief about one insurmountable cosmically universal and universally cosmic fact.

And so is the thing: As legal inclusion of prostitution came about, some things changed towards the better, for prostitutes. But - a not understanding of the other side leads to confusions and so there are ... things ... that ... kindof don't end up working. And for how why what when how - whatever works - thats not me to say. There is no promises and no guarantee - except ... for as the Bible, the letter to the Hebrews, puts it - your own hope. Light alignment shenanigans and bam!

Simple as that? Well - any cognitive expanse of this topic will yield some advantage - as what comes prior to making anything solid.

For what comes next; I have now had some time to reflect about it - in this sense - and sure: No amount of imposed sanity does change ... what 'it' is for me - except I'm utterly wrong, ... but isn't that the thing? Well, it is - except I can be right and wrong at the same time.

If you get it wrong, right is wrong and wrong is right - thats sure. At at some point this wrongness is a matter of really small detail, ... within situations where that matters.

One of my earlier Childhood dreams that I remember is about boys and girls lining up in front of a machine with 4 pods, arranged like a plus. A boy and a girl would get into separate pods, the machine would turn, and on the other end they came out body swapped. And I have had this feeling of a vagina imprinted onto me - I guess ever since.

a) psychology: Deep inside where my external and my internal - thoughts - meet up there is a misalignment between ... how I feel and how I live. As I on the surface 'foster' a male identity, but inwardly a female one - there is no unity. And so does the prospect of gender alignment 'work' - as looking forward to it holds a promise alongside which I can externalize that identity. So, it could also be a complete lie - as what matters at this point/stage is a positive outlook.
A creepy thing about psychology is ... in the spooky world of fiction at least ... they can bend and twist everything regarding our psychological perception if we let them. The 'expert title' is a way for us to trust them - while they instead might first try to find your weakspots; To then demand of you what you are really sensitive about and then you end up crazy. Or some madman gets away because of daddy issues or whatever.

b) gender privileges?: That I 'confidently lived as a boy' is an overstatement. I never quite actually 'lived confidently'. Except maybe since after my baptism. I've always been sortof "outside" of things; To the point that "my friends" mostly were 'our friends' and by that I mean my Brothers friends.
I never really made any friends at school either, ... except that I did, only that 'my gravitas' made me stay at home and play Video Games. And because my Brother made friends really well I eventually got used to that.
Because of him I knew what was "Thug Life" (well, as "Gangsta" as it got around here, in the rural landscape of germany, for kids and teenagers) - but 'my passion for gaming' and "stuff on the computer" eventually consumed me away from there. And yea, possibly - there is a lot of hidden gender privilege in that. So, knowing those guys with those interests - like X-Com or Programming or Whatever ... - . And on the other end ... deep inside there is something that saddens me when I think about all the pretty girls I knew. So - girls that went to school with me. Of the one I hear something about pregnant and drama; ... and then there is "wasn't that ... does she have a kid?" - ... and that kindof sets a tone for where my speculations go.

c) medicine: Do I want to become 'dependent' on the machine? But - when demonizing it, why have it? But yea, why ... why is it a thing? Actually?? I think it comes as part of the spirit of Enlightenment. The idea is that from a Pacifistic Atheistic standpoint there is no 'undoing' of any religion. The more you try to restrict them, the more they feel confirmed in their belief. You can't give it to religions either because all they'll do is end up disagreeing with each other. So, the only way out is for the smart people to exit and say: OK, lets build a monument to 'that which we know for sure/a fact'. Its like a Hobby to distract from this insane chaos of the world; And has a vibe of solving wood-puzzles at home in the firelight while its dark and rainy outside.
And - "thank God for electricity". I mean ... seriously. Whenever there's a blackout, and energy goes back on, ... thats like ... two completely different realities.
Which has a certain vibe of insanity to it. But electric lights say as much as: Electricity is here to stay. So we need to find a way to make it viable. That is the advanced way of 'giving a fuck' - I might add.
So my take is pretty much that back in the days people needed miracles while nowadays we have the knowledge. Not the answer for everything; But ... if anyhow, we'll know from God why and what - and not and such.

Couldn't I just take my 'male identity' and re-invent myself around that?

I would say 'no' - but then another side of me says yes - ... and then I have to wonder: What does it all come down to? What does it even mean?

I mean - I kindof always come in to say that I am/was exaggerating - and then come to exaggerate nonetheless. I then believe that the truth is not as tough as it would seem; While as far as I've written thats quite what I'm saying. And so - I don't know. And right now too! The whole time. As I was about to take breath and tell it as I "would think to" - this and that and so and so - and then I'm back at it again. Confused about - what the heck to even begin with.

And I still mostly blame a lack of "social confidence" - as in - anything whatsoever that would add some practical context to any of it. But yea - if the frequency I at which I really 'need' to pleasure myself from behind matters to some extent; ... there's ... I don't know ... 3-4 month time in between; Which I think mostly comes down to my day to day experience. It could easily become more frequent, while then ... in social concept ... there were some lifestyle around it.

And as for lifestyle - ... - I'm kindof getting cooked right now. There was so this weird context within me, as firstly constitutionalized between this back and forth via some 'anti stance' - and when adjusting myself to that ... well, at any rate is there a fire of gratitude ...

... and it burns as for the experience of getting raped. So, adjusting to my desires from within their anti-stance is rape - as I experience/realize it. So, it is a different type of rape if there are no desires and the issue isn't much so an 'anti stance' as it is a more genuine one.

And I do think that weed/drugs at this point only substitute any real life experience.

And there's possibly the thing that whenever my 'male interest' is about to get real, it instead darkens my mind and I become unable to behave accordingly. I mean - it gets to moments where I later have to think "if only" and "how come I ..." - however. So to the point that I wasn't even thinking about trying to pay any attention to that lady laying right next there to me, naked - as the result of the 'here's your chance' trigger moment thingy I guess. I mean, I'm horrible - now that I think about it.
I couldn't even ... make anything. I couldn't even care to see if I could figure how she felt. "Dead in the water". From Hot to Cold just like 'snap'. From 'there' to "Hello?" as by turning around a page.

And at that time there weren't a lot of drugs involved.

And not a lot of action either. Only life draining nuisances.

But what Drugs can't do is change reality as it is. So - ... yea, thats a thing! //2017.08.09|19:29

And so I wrote [this|selfdep-01.html] - and that is basically two segments. The one where I ramble on; And another one where I ramble further. There is a point to these things; But I effectively got to an end; Then I was discouraged to continue with it and I got depressed again. So I ... tried to return to my normal life, find something to cheer me up; And then went to bed miserable anyway.

And then - I somehow ended up having a point that - well, allows me to somehow set all these clarity things aside. This works like 4/2 can be turned into 2/1. But there is already something wrong with it. I think I never really wrote of this, and this - is a thing older than me having my clarity. I think I kindof have to tell this right - or ... it happens again. Well, what happens? The Antichrist. Or ... someone. But I take it that its him. He to me is a pestilence; And that isn't a social issue or critique - its personal.

From this angle specifically; That what I was going to write about works fine as consequence to these things. The picture is simple: I'm telling you in detail - because you want to know for sure - (hyperbolically at this point) ... whats going on with me - and the gist of that is: I'm going to be 'not' amongst you. OK, this worked. I'm going to be in some alternate pocket dimension, cut off from you. Still OK, but here it begins. The Antichrist here is some dude who kindof wants to have me in his Kingdom. And on this planet/in this world - I can barely denie (although at this moment its probably some sim running in me - or maybe just ... paranoia - a forewarning?) that he has some emotional influence upon me. There isn't much in 'this' picture though. There just used to be this clear and awesome feeling of peace and ... no trouble or worry whatsoever; But as I was going on thinking of words to tell you - I got to some point that should have nailed and suddenly ... think of you being a king, standing on your balcony and trying to feel me as part of your realm. So, with some inner joy or satisfaction; So - from a "completionist" perspective. Thats not bad per se - but - in a sane social environment - its everything but apropriate. I'd say. What I get from that is some "tab" on me - it sortof, emotionally, binds me into "(t)his" Kingdom while I'm "allowed" to live based on the restraints put unto me. And getting rid of these "tabs" is why I'm gone in first place.

And now it goes on. Its not only that - it goes on. The thing is I guess that I have little to none 'social distraction' to not see this link. So, he were one of the few that cared about me. But - so at this point - he cares that I'm not getting anything done. I'm greater than him in almost every respect; But who cares? Oh ... how sweet! (sarcastic)

I think the point is that while I'm still here - in this world - "that place" where I want to be is just a fantasy. And what is it? It is simple put: Perfect isolation from all of you. Not like a small room - but a big black void just for me. To just say; There's that point where I hate you. I wrote of it perhaps. All of you. At least in a way that doesn't make me care about individuals. I'm here, I've been amongst you; I won't judge you but "please" - ... I don't want to be/have any part to it.

And so [zip] gone and all thats left of me is ... like, ... fairies and gnomes in this world. Maybe there are those few worthy of my fairy appearances - but you get the idea? I'm nothing, then. You could call it a depression, ... and you could call it stupid. I feel however a lot of comfort. I may be alone - but the focus here isn't ... that I'm trying to tell you something. There is no message or ... anything you "did wrong" - its just ... you never wanted to do "it right". Thats why I'm there. I have these hopes and ... well, just say: What am I doing? What do I try to do? What 'encourages' me as a human individual to interact with you? There I have meaning and value - and if you throw it away, you throw me away. Anything I then did there that would come close to being something that interacts with you is something I would want to avoid. So, if there were some image of me there that you could see - I'd be 'too close to the border' - and I'd move so far into "that" away direction until I feel safe; And just a bit further - to be sure.

The main reason - I strongly believe - I am doing this is because of the 'change' you required of me; And this doesn't combine me with 'others like me' because they all can go to hell just as much - I have 'no' social interests whatsoever.

All I have is my disappointment. Like, Monica/My Love - abandoning me - thats like reason #1 for me to be there. And if this were how it ended - all she might try to get me out there would be met with despise.

I might still interact with folks. I mean, this 'shy dimply behaviour' or talking of a 'fairy self' - this is where those ideas have been coming from.

The point is - this is my paradise; Ordinarily. This is where I see myself fitting in. Where I "want" to be. Or 'want' to be - really. Its like 'home'. And I don't go to say that I'll be alone forever. But my mind will make it so that its as close to that as it got. First of all God 'had to' do me that favour and make me invisible to a bunch of people. Entirely. And make it up to me whether or not to drop it. God had to show me then something compelling enough for me to do that - but for some time I wouldn't want to even take a look at any of that sort.

But yea - in some way this could be called "Goodbye Monica" place.

And is that a thing? If it were - its typical. When has it not been so? I have a crush in someone - the Antichrist goes: OK! - and sooner or later "she ain't mine anymore". Or whatever. Goes for Capcom, ... and everything else I might try.

And however - all this said; It doesn't really get to the sensitive spot: Changes. I mean - thats so the motion: I was, then changed, becoming someone - then got disappointed and so was, had to change again; To be disappointed again ... something like that. The demand for change goes deeper and deeper as there may always have been some problem here or there - and maybe the problem is that I'm too good. And therefore have no life.

What stands out to me - looking at the written manifestation of this - is that the Antichrist is in a central role; And I think - that makes up one thing about "things that went wrong" - that made this 'my paradise'.

Its like: If you (collectively) insisted on having it your way; I insist on having it my way. And this 'insisting' is as to say that any attempts to change me will introduce you to 'the Balrog' within me. And he won't let you pass. "Angel with flaming sword" style. So, because God is God - that is in a world where such defensive mechanisms actually 'do' work.

There are a lot of issues that bother me - and so is the "You not seeing me" thing a thing like; I don't want to fall subject to any comparisons that impair my experience.

Similar to whats happening to Destiny 2 right now. I mean - on a totally different note. There was some strong hype behind the first one - and with Destiny 2 there is some Anti-Hype. I mean, you can smell the "upcoming" disappointment already a mile away; Just as it was the case prior to the beta.

Oh yea - Video Games. I hate Videogames just as much as I hate humanity. This is also a really solid thing. So, I don't hate Video Games - but if I were in 'that' place and it were said that 'humans made it' - it'd be of no interest to me whatsoever.

And thre'd possibly be merits to it unless it'd be something as simple as Tetris or Space Invaders - but I'm sure you could also screw 'that' up!

And so yea - this file I linked to earlier; That is ... really going into the direction that is 'dear' to me. Yet it is not too different from 'this' place. It may be different, maybe more horrible, but ... there's social life.

On a counternote however does this '1/2' version emphasize 'social development' a bit more. The main image I have there is that no matter how far I travelled; At any place where I settled - humanity would at some point evolve towards its proximity. So - to me - thats like: Here is my void - and just a look 'outside' of it; And my void is basically just a tree along some patch of green which is basically just some patchwork "line of green" expanded into some arbitrary direction. Like someone in minecraft just walking straight for God knows how long - to then build some house there.
And I can think of this as some kind of legitimate neighbourhood - as the folks/individual(s) settling there were in some way as much separated from the "hated bunch" as I am.

But rather than 'Balrog' - I'd call the final boss you 'met' Leviathan - or such. To say - in the end: To my understanding there is the point 'up on top' which determined 'why' I'm there in first place. And I think my main interest is to be 'me' - without being dragged into expectations like this or that - and whatever; While I further required time for myself - and this in a way that cannot be filled by anything (else) 'anymore'.

However. In both cases I now realize there is a 'node of growth' ... 'beyond' the static of my "Clarity setting". As I would come out as a Fairy; The same kindof goes for my "Pet Self". Those are, you can see where thats coming from, "miniatures" of meself. Its taking the whole darkness that is me; And yea - in a "competitive setting" consider me "Unrepenting Anakin Skywalker"; - where at some point my 'humanity' is oozing out; Or coming together. It were in the 'fairy' sense that little bit left that can't denie whatever there can be said about socializing - in that context; And in the 'pet' sense that little bit - in an unrestrained setup. I mean - whatever restraints mattered were just some part of my personality. While I as 'pet' would function as 'deprived whore' or such - as 'fairy' I'd just disappear - ... poof ... - or expose some other weird quirk. But its possibly nothing sexual.

However - I got into this realizing that to some point this 'fairy' self isn't really restricted, growth-wise. It be fate+God+stuff - to say - whatever. But ... to be clear ... this isn't a way of sidestepping my default situation. Trying to get me out of my void - talk to Balrog!
Eventually I'd end up washing the filth of humanity from myself and hoof it to a totally different corner of reality.

OK, whatever. Not saying that I couldn't have friends. Just ... there isn't really anything 'solid' to go for - as - its really just the 'potential' in and of itself, without any specific directions. So, I were that fairy - and I'd come out as far as I felt comfortable. And same goes for that Pet - which is logical, I guess, as it is the one "place" where my 'life' is "unregulated".

So - this is where I'm standing. This 'fairy' thing is my 'alternate' or 'default' solution; Which is simply the world consequential to y'all not caring - or whatever - however "forcing" (motivating) me to withdraw.

At best I'd have a seat at the Judgement table - where the other 12 are - next to God - but mostly I'd be ... well ... condescending.

And maybe the story here is: Don't forget that I stand above you!
To say - if 'paradise' were 'screwed up' - it were so that it wouldn't exist in perfect harmony. Even so, being ... departing from 'fair standards of justice' to a significant degree - and that due to your stubborness which is what makes/made me hate you to begin with. Call it hypocrisy. That works.

On the other note I might be a Godess - so "thats fair to me" - but its really just a fetish label slapped onto a way of life.

And beauty there isn't about what you think you deserved; But about what you 'realize' you deserved. Sotospeak.
And I'm "there" where I 'may be' arrogant 'and' beautiful. I think.

The point is that for me it doesn't really get any brighter than that - and the 'brightest' all of this gets for me is at that 'pet' thing; As opposed to the fairy thing.

And so I think of ... writing [part 2|selfdep-02.html] - just to get onto the safe side of things about this. And in all simplicity it only deals with ... how this darkness works for me in a social space; Which basically narrows down to "instructions" on raping me, dumping me into depression/depravity/despair - and such; While - it might be that some of the things aren't accurate because of emotional destortions; But ... the general idea is still ... pretty clear I guess.

The message - as I would start writing there - I get from it is that: There is something like a 'normal good' - and "which version of Paradise" we lived in were a matter of which 'normal good' we shared. In "both" cases my 'good' is 'not normal' - and as that, well, there's so the term 'misery'. Its as saying that your 'good' were 'joy'. This might sound redundant; But it works ... for say ... someone who's simply simple and cheerful. Here the intent is to say that 'joy' is nonrelative. So - its only available through destinct things that make it destinctively positive. In some way ... we so get to 'higher restrictions'. Like, in that 'dark pit' of mine I'm relatively free because there is nothing and nobody but myself (and God) to really say ... anything.

And so - to me this means, in the sense of 'keeping it on mind', that ... things may be less strict than ... thinkable.

And on another note: For there to be a 'way out' ... I need to 'want' to have a way out. But when thinking of what moves in me - what I 'really' want to move 'out' of ... thats stuff that finally 'takes me there'.

And being too hard on me; Whether it is what I wanted or not; May also fall into that category.

Then, one note of what I have in the pro-social sphere is to add that some may not have 'direct/active' interest in my ways - to those ... don't care. Just ... "hope" that those that do care will make of me ... so ... what you may then be turned on by.

And so maybe ... I'm wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to be that fairy rather than that pet. And well - the thing there is; I have no need for any social life there. Even if I got along well with a bunch; I feel as though they were better off elsewhere - and yea, so that.

//2017.08.11|21:09:: My connection - as I perceive it - to Monica is ... somehow weird in that regard. What I want from here is ... when taking it down to a minimum; Basically "set to be" around my pet self. Whatever else belonged to that were then set in a more ... elaborate ... environment. More 'established'. Yet - a lot of what I am there comes down to what others make of me. And so also being a Pet takes me to the point that in order to be that - I need to be ... compliant to all sorts of abuse. And I feel that. It is so that I need to be something for Monica to really ... have a gain from me; Or ... for her to synergize with my pet self ... something like that - ... and yea; If I don't have that motivation I got nothing.

Yet there is also another way this could play out. So, Monica being OK with me - but nobody else with us. In that sense ... yea; That ... is actually kindof bright; But we might end up cannibalizing each other ... so, ... whatever. Whatever.

On another note: To really 'practically' handle the Antichrist - I don't feel I'm ... capable enough there. I'll just state one thing: If you knew the full truth - you might have a different oppinion of him ... as opposed to ... once you were sucking on his propaganda titties.
And part of my 'Level-Headedness' in this is to figure this out - to say/mention the right things to tell you this. That X-Com Enemy Unknown sucks ... essentially, in a sense. Diablo 3 also sucks - in its own way - as it is also fun, in its own way. But it isn't 'that bad'. They made mistakes, you made 'em - everyone made them.

"And it burns burns burns - that ring of fire ..."

Really, I think that song is strongly inspired. I can feel it now - at least. That ring of fire. (x.html)

So, I'll go a bit further there; Yet as it stands near the end of selfdep-02; There is - and thats a 'mode A/B' thing - also the other side. This 'extreme' shift here is more like 'B only' - so, stacking that as social frame onto me; Where "my A occurs in B" - leaving something like "B in A". Now, thinking of all this in regards to that 'void' I'd be in ... it seems like the pro-social side sortof takes me to a point where I can't exist on my own. But anyhow - this is ... weird. Complicated? Funny?

Well, the main issue with A and B is something like Thermodynamics. In the end there is no A without B and no B without A. There are fixed "amounts" of - and nothing can change that.
So - in that sense I could get fucked to the point of ... being a 'wreck'; And the idea of 'baking' certainly is to 'start there' and then just more and more of the same. The idea however is that this cannot 'ultimately' be done forever. Life would also become somehow boring that way.
I mean - one thing I had to note is that the more 'extreme' (to my extreme) I get - the 'thinner' all the images I could "have" get ... in a sense that things get more and more ... shallow over time. That is kindof naive considering that ... I at least ... have to see 'millennia' within ... perhaps just a pixel on a timeline ... and is finally 'countered' by God showing me that one argument for my 'deprivation' were that certain 'parts/identities' of me will be 'fuller'. I don't fully understand it; On top of it all I however get it that the A:B balance came in - where 'volume' is like ... thinking about the 'bitch' in the term 'sexy bitch'. Cringy, but simple. I mean - you get that kindof ... "dreaming" ... right? We all have that!

Eventually my 'suffering' is knotted to my male self - and at some point that will have drowned within me; Somehow.

It is B however that would take me beyond limits. It will be there - just as A.

But so you might understand: "How to "make A happen"?". Like so - if its a thing and 'good enough' - what to 'do' so I "get that"? Which isn't how it works I think. Its somewhere within the whole - you know - and yea. I'll be greatful for any kind of 'sweet life' I get ... and I understand that there is no way of forever avoiding that. I will say that I'd be reasonably greatful for not getting any of it - but also add that I feel ... that there is a 'too depressing' way of getting into it.

But yea - I think this is how it goes to say that 'absolutes' aren't really that much of a good idea always. ^^. I mean - for what I'm getting into it were better to draw out circumstances rather than resorting to sentences containing 'never' or 'always'.

Except its really a fact of course. Like - there will always be some more suffering for me ahead.

Which might be true for everybody. I mean - "Infinity Math" is funny here. Like, where we say, mathematically - that our future is as any set of infinity; Where even if we in the immediate suffer differently much - 'summed up' its all the same for everyone. Yet the series '1+2+3+4+...' doesn't contain 1.2 - for instance - but is still as infinite.

Hmm - OK ... thats weird. So, it seems that I've written meself 'onto' the A side now. So - my expectation is now A based; Saying - ... I 'want to expect non rapey things'. And maybe I'm getting something wrong. I mean - there is this feeling which ... "thinks" like this, as there is some negativity I want to "write away" ... but its the B way that 'actually' makes it go away.

In the B side ... this way of thinking is what would 'define me' ... and is prerequisite for me to be 'that A-ish'.

I mean - there is "some Bubble" in my mind which generally ... is me ... and here I exist in a way that is ... 'raped' ... but without the rape. So - I 'want to be' ... or 'am' ... a certain way that requires some action yet. So, its a vacuum of demand in some way. Once this vacuum is filled, that 'mindset' won't be ... 'void'y ... but 'solid'. Sotospeak.

However - in the end this means to me that I can't really tell ... whether this way or that way. I mean, right now I'm A - but my mind is still opereating "B" - its - unable to ... do otherwise. All I can do here is to notice stuff - ... as you then expect me to reason into the other direction.

Its inevitable though; As there is no A without B either.
?? this way or that way??? ??? ...

Maybe my mind is just 'too dense' right now - implying too much action over too little ... misery. But yea, I 'mustn't' want A - and the more I want it, the more I mess up myself. Its (to be) getting counter-reacted anyway ... where. Yea. Ultimately I can't be forbidden to "want A" - but thats once we're far enough down the AB road.

Positive.

So is the pet thing I suppose. I can be free - yet I feel a given discomfort that basically drives me towards my Mistress ... begging to get fucked.

And by the way: I'm used to ... discomfort. There is usually always something that bothers me. And if there is nothing - I have some other inexplicable discomfort. Right now I feel under some horrible tension - it doesn't feel right - but I'm used to that. It comes and goes. And once it goes - something else comes in. I mean ... 'rarely' I'm really just fine!

This is ... 'because' ... my 'normality' effectively exist 'within rape'. So, not getting raped is like ... that ... "extreme" 'normality' that I generally exist in unfamiliarity with.

And so is rape at given points like a massage. Like, really getting to those tensions. A.k.a.: "getting me warmed up and into synchronicity with my mindset".

2017.08.12|06:01 || But not entirely. Sometimes feeling bad is just that - ... where, each bad comes with a cure - while I think that 'homeward synchronicity' is ... the first step towards everything good.