"versus Rape"
Then there are a bunch of other things, like pregnancy - which have been things like, since my early childhood. I remember playing 'Doctor' where being the pregnant person was kindof awesome, but more vividly do I get to think about a movie called 'the Blue Lagoon'. Only recently did I realize that Bloodborne also is kindof featuring that theme in conjunction with depravity - and while these associations work for me I crossed the corresponding image out in the banner because it doesn't fit in that easily. For once, when it gets to 'the torments of hell' I barely think of 'fleshly suffering' - its tospeak 'more aetherical'. This type of stuff is 'far beneath' the surface, saying that the 'bulk' that really matters only needs it as a somewhat passive thing ... outlines if you so will.
So when speaking of rape, the image on the right side of the banner is far more accurate than the one on the left; Speaking of my own emotional alignment. Hereby the emotional realm is like a sphere filled with some ... lets call it 'gas' ... an atmosphere - and that one expressed as an image is basically free of anything dealing with physical injury.
Hereby I yet then come to speak of 'Mutilation' - though I would compare that mutilation to that of a bonzai tree rather than ... burning down a forrest. And yea, I kindof think I have to emphasis this as in order to correct a few of my past statements - or to put them into their rightful place.
Thereby, first of all, what do I mean by rape?
By that I essentially mean a basically unvoluntary participation in acts of sexual intercourse involving/performed-on me. It means that I would be as cattle - and if someone wanted to have Sex with me - it wouldn't be me to say whether I would or not. That is thereby however settled within a consensus, as that the person 'owning' me would be my spouse whom I agreed to be with and that under these given circumstances.
Furthermore would I imply thereby, that this relationship is only 'intimately' consensual, while superficially being as though I were abducted and ultimately enthralled. Enthralled, therefore basically consenting again, but still captive and therefore forced to suffer whatever I'm exposed to.
But I feel like thats subject to another discussion.
Yet bondage is an essential part of it. But as opposed to being a real prisoner, there is the element of 'thrall' - a way of "cheating" the intimate consent to the surface - where some "as though charmed" obedience has virtually the same effect as bondage, to the point that I would resort to using images that involve 'magic' - such as "magical chains". With these concepts a lot of 'confusion' or 'logical conflict' comes in, like - while a relationship is consensual it can evolve on that basis - but with a charm like that we can add something to it that makes it as though it were non-consensual. Like thinking of my 'bride' as someone who is 'charmed' to be as though she loves me, while basically being a prisoner who is internally despising me; But due to the charm cannot act upon that. So, "whats the point?" you might wonder - and its mostly about micro-expressions and some perverted way of getting along within a poly-amourous ... 'whole'. I can barely expect all of my 'spouses' to be "so deeply" in love with me - and while I'm the one who is normally getting raped there so is this 'anti realm' where I just want to 'have' and 'don't care' - and each person that were a part of it had another way of fitting in. And yet it still matters in the bigger picture - which is where our 'minds' can tell ... 'the difference' ... sotospeak. So if I know that person X is basically the one who enprisons me - its difficult to think that away although there then finally is that mid-ground where both ways cancel each other out.
If we then want to talk 'real life', I have thus far come to lean towards that mid-ground - as I so far would have come to add that this is 'the base of Love' that 'cannot' (under any circumstances) be 'circumvented' - regardless of how convulated it might get from there. It is in this sense 'origin' and "target" - but as 'target' it is abstracted because I finitely lean more towards being the victim. So the 'real' target is basically an accumulation of my masochistic desires; And so far a lot of my recent efforts 'exploring' these things focussed on a way of "triangulating" various statements so we can have a universal pattern of things by which we can compare us to each other. 'Clarity' being the one big universal thing - yet further also thinking of them Runes and Seals.
Those were thus far solely terms to label various things. More to the point: Runes resembling 'the environment' wherein 'the' 'conceived' Seals unfold. So, after I experienced 'Seal 1', there "had to be" "Rune 1". So, Seal 1 vastly sustains my transgender identity in that I need to have a vagina - although this way of expressing it does take away a little, its ... something I feel is true while I've kindof settled on being male for the time being. Regarding Seal 1 there are two individuals that "carry" it. There is A: My owner and B: My spouse. B were the child of A and thereby my brother, while A regarded individually weren't my Mother, while B in some more relevant "places" perhaps even just a stranger. So, there is confusion once starting to connect these things - and so I've been looking forward to understand these things to a point that takes away the confusion.
When it gets to B for instance, it is close to suggest that because she's my spouse regarding Seal 1, that she is my 'real' spouse. But then there is - "Prism-Level 2.3" - or previously R2C - so ... "L2C" (L for Level) - who is also my brother and spouse; And this connection, although not 'supported' through 'Seal 1' (or any Seal as far as I could tell) is more relevant because of the person who 'gave me' to 'her' - thus being an extension of my 'primary' relationship.
The main reason why I needed the term 'Rune' is because after Seal 1 things didn't work out in terms of Seals. Where I got to from Seal 1 was 'Rune 2' - saying: Its 'something' but there isn't a Seal yet. I would realize where the Seal would be - a collar - but then at some point I experienced that Seal and it connected me to a different person. L2D instead of L2A.
And ultimately I had to discard the concept of Runes and Seals as I had grown used to. This because I have a lot of data that doesn't really come together. Eventually I ended up having too many Runes - I didn't know what to call a Rune anymore. Then certain situations would combine Runes and Seals in a way that would contradict to the 'established' 'Seals' - which I therefore came to rename ... now being so called 'Insignia'. Whatever.
These I would consider one thing that should pop up Universally. There would be firstly the strong idea of where a Seal is at - and that would be the corresponding Rune. Those can be associated to a body part or piece of outfit; But these are the Seals where the Runes lay out some condition.
The problem basically already starts right there. In the spirit this is somewhat clear to me. There isn't a reason to doubt.
This image is just a manifestation of it, although its hard to accurately express the 'imagery'. I know I have some better
images (but am too lazy to find them, plus ... its not like only 'one' image would do. Some would pop up more often than
others ... and thats one main reason - I'm sure - why I by exploring these things come to lay out a corresponding piece of
software in my head) - but it so happens that 'Seal 1' - while primarily associated to "B" (L1B) - as of this 'picture'
would resemble the wedding ring bonding me to L2A. Its a totally different story - in the spirit - where all that matters
is the person who could or should thereby be labelled "#1". #1 associates to a group of people - and I can't relate to any
specific individual; Whether these would relate to #1s real life acquaintances that I would know of were a guess at best.
Yet it is there the wedding ring that doesn't only bond me to #1, but to #1 including that group of people while my enforced
femininity would primarily exist for them. We could say: This is the cost for me to be with #1. But this is also saying that
this is how I 'work'/function intimately in that context. Whatever. Its all in one. I'm thereby #1s pet - and that is vastly
non-sexual and primarily a 'function of Love'. Whether I relate to #1 as my Mother or my Owner is just hairsplitting - the
emotional context were the same, just as my practical situation as 'their' Sex-Slave.Further down the road this assembly turned out to be naive. Kindof. We could - and perhaps should - take it as a foundation since its 'easily conceived'. Starting with the experience of "Seal 1" this arrangement sortof unfolds - but we have to take various things away, or make room for adding a bunch - but what exactly that is ... I'm not too sure of at this point.
What this image means - real quick: The 'two' images per seal have a given purpose, Rune:Seal as you might guess. But here this image fails already. I've just hacked it together real quick, that were one reason. But at some point this may have been as close to correct as it might get. Sign 1 is really simple and straight forward. Sign 2 already ... not so much. Sign 3 is pretty weird. Sign 1 is really 'heavy', while Sign 2 is somewhat more complex. I might also settle it 'in the head' rather than at the neck ... but the seal turned out to be the collar so my first impression wasn't false however. It involves me being mind-controlled and extends into an elaborate anatomy that basically establishes an unnatural craving for cum and cock and getting raped (and this all centers around my throat), but thats only 'one' thing that relates to rape and thereby already includes things that relate back to L1B. And I've tried to just 'draw out' the simplest of things, like - starting with my basic 'shackles' (collar, wrists and ankles) - but the problem is that it didn't really make any sense so far. Well, until recently I at least found a 'start' of some description. And Sign 3 - the way I feel it is simply put how an outfit basically starts to wrap around me coming from that center point, the heart, it also includes a collar and this all in all constitutes a feeling of being "wrapped up (to be exploited)". So, finding the right words and images ... isn't always as easy as it would seem.
At any rate does this give you a very accurate idea of how I fundamentally function inside. As I think we would all come to compare this to some 'divine architecture/anatomy', basically expressing our 'fundamental arrangement of priorities' - and whether or not there are individuals associated to each ... and how deeply complex each one is ... thats another story. ... kindof.
So far I have been mostly focussing on person L2A - alias #1 - because she is easily the most relevant of everything. In regards to her as an individual these Runes that make up my whole, make up 'me' as I relate to her. Obviously. I relate to her as my own self, meaning: My entire self, thus all Runes do 'matter' - yet conflict is added since she specifically were a part of rune 2.
Then there is another problem ... and I basically glanced over it since 'whatever' the deal with that, at the time other things were more important. This is thereby all about my Seal 2. Thereby, short history lesson: We know of John the Beloved that Mary was made his Mother. I have strong reasons to believe that I am John the Beloved - yet thereby am perhaps even more certain than that, that L2A/#1 is 'not' that same Mary. I'm rather sure that this Mary is whom I refer to as L2D; And finally came to label as 'alpha'. This 'stuck' because what I am as of Seal 2 also funnels into what I am towards L2A - yet after exploring it further I figured that while it 'sits deeper within me' (as all Seals tend to do), it may be more fundamental and it also seems like its even more fundamental than Seal 1. And yea - that doesn't make things less confusing!
But the good part is that I can strip everything off - just focus on Seal 2 and have a somewhat concise perception onto myself. As I previously mentioned did I try to draw an arrangement of my basic shackles and usually failed. I failed because connections were all over the place. Sooner or later the image would just be a maze of lines and at some point I wouldn't be sure anymore just how accurate I've gotten it. Yet I had hints all throughout the time that when looking at it from the "alpha perspective", those just come together.
So, thereby Seal 2 is the climax of Rune 2. Applying same logic onto Rune 1, the gist were that I would have a proper idea of what Rune 1 is about, being a Doll, Bride to my Brother, Sex-Slave ... that stuff ... while the Seal focusses on the most fundamental aspect thereof - which for me is to be female. That in my terms 'has to be' given since there is a guy somewhere within me. Or, there 'might be'. Whatever the case ... the guy is subject to these conditions ... and thats how I am.
Speaking of Rune 2 I was pretty sure that I'm under some charm or mind-control, and what Seal 2 actually does is that it
'locks' my male self into a bubble ... basically corresponding to my head - where the collar basically is a barrier, beneath
which I'm "turned female". But not only that. This Bubble corresponding to my head is surrounded by 'the whole' - as I would
basically say: a 'fake identity' that is imposed onto me through that collar or more specifically its gemstone.To get a more in depth: Entity L2D was always somewhat special in a weird way. Not relevant however in any way that made any meaningful sense as what I'm wholesomely interested in basically relates to #1. But she always seemed to be there at the bottom of my 'gender crisis' - in a sense of being 'the Mother' that tells whether I can be male or not; In a way that felt comforting. Its a weird "place". Its like I'm present in both ways - by two bodies - on just a small circle surrounded by a helix with L2D/alpha being sortof like the God(ess) of that realm. And at some point this image occured again but that time adding the collar which essentially gives me a feeling of being wholesomely female but that via a 'fake Identity' that contrasts to my male awareness; Impressing me as though the fake Identity were my biological situation. This fake Identity is thereby a girl - as though just an actor in a rape-focussed cartoon porn. So, being as a sacrifice to those people that have a hard on that sort of thing. Thereby my male self would come through as being shy and scared - and not really focussed on the way I look, but more concerned of that being an unfamiliar situation. Or unwanted. Stranger. However covered up beneath a female surface.
Hereby L2D is a Mistress, whereby I'm more like a product; Whereby my situation is so that while 'this' resembles the foundation, the gemstone is like a 'thing' ... uhm ... it in this context exists on a spiritual plane and is 'moved up' one layer to become part of yet another collar that relates to my #1 relationship.
This is important - in my case - as now #1 has clearly 'less control' about me as when just beheld independently; Or once Seal 2 were mistaken for an extension of the whole rather than its foundation.
Regarding Seal 2 only the collar (and a corresponding leash) is important at first, while within the Marriage spectrum the gemstone further extends to wrists and ankles for additional shackles. These in some way link to the 3rd Seal, while the 1st seal is also rather a 'thingification' of some aspect part of my "alpha seal".
In this sense what the seals/runes contain is already predetermined; And the only things that get added are individuals with certain privileges relative to what privileges do emerge; Kindof - although I'd say this is vastly symbolical although with a real emotional sub-context.
One of the big problems in mapping things out has been to find proper labels. For my clarity it was simple - it was given within: Whore. From there I would extrapolate and see Captivity and Enslavement as fundamental pillars thereof. While then further growing more familiar with my #1 relationship I realized myself as a Doll - while any 'Pet experience' lent itself to that consideration, figuring that being a Doll - a.k.a. "Dead" - isn't realistic in the grand scheme - so that "Doll+Life=Pet". Yet so I wondered: What comes first? Or, what is the underlying 'reality'; Thinking of it so that a 'whore' is a specific thing, while being a 'Pet' can either be an independent thing or a type of Whore - ... so, being totally confused about how what where when and why. I can at this stage however relatively clearly say that I'm a 'rape Slave'. Its a naive term, but amazingly it works. Thats ... what I want. Its simple enough, its objectively unambigous, ... but ... there is one small problem: It doesn't connect emotionally. I think thats because emotionally I'm still a 'Doll' - which is an ambigous term however.
So, regarding Seal 2 I 'experience' a set of emotions and other impressions that do render me as inherantly subjected or obedient to an external force ... basically L2Ds demand ... in a clear sense of something she would show around (#bragwith) where wearing a collar is an essential part of the image and feel. I right away 'feel' inner "wirings" ... like, getting on my knees with my arms tied behind my back - by, this 'stance' being "an idea that glows". Having my head bent down (humble) were one thing, or being 'bent' - like, getting my head bent back as ... well, a display of power or ownership (from my owner) - that sortof stuff. So ... rape doll?
Sidenote: I just had a dream - and that as part of ... some weird ... "feverish hallucinations" (these I first encountered while I began programming. I occasionally woke up with a weird feeling of 'this piece of code has to be written' - and the more I woke up, the more 'copies' of that code ran through my mind and each time the code was impaired. Until I was awake and had no clue what the original piece of code was). Within these there was "a point". Holding on to it made me feel better - while I felt relatively horrible until I got a proper hold of it. This would turn out to be L2A. This morning I woke up with some images left on my mind, whereby I was all fine - got to a terrace of some sort and there stood a person I was compelled to approach and confess, with some strange sense of obsession, that I'm strangely attracted to her - that I'm compelled to approach("demand") her. And thats L2D. This is how it works out in real life I think. So, there is no conflict between L2A and L2D in regards of where my heart is at - basically - but still I'm magically attracted to L2D. That in a way thats somehow stronger than towards L2A, but not in a way for me to feel attached. Well, contemporary stuff.
Furthermore is there now the situation that with L2D being my 'real' Mother, L2A is 'not' - therefore being 'the Kidnapper' or something like that, which resonates better with me as a whole when it gets to what I'm wanting. I mean, as a Rape Slave I feel more attached to whom I'm forcefully enthralled to than any romantic sort of thing.
When it gets to worshipping I also feel compelled, once I'm directing myself to L2D as my first/highest/primary diety, to express gratitude about being allowed to be L2As Rape Doll. Which then links back to my 'Architectural Gratitude' which is all about being a "Deprived Sex Doll" (raped, abused, etc.) owned by L2A. This is the part where I most certainly can label myself as a Doll and also experience a transition into a Pet life.
I do strongly suppose that the way Runes work may end up differently for each individual depending on what archetype a person is. It always gets me that while most of my associations relate to individuals, I get impressions of how other individuals might rather associate to groups or even just activities/conditions/circumstances. Yet, in my case it has been a primary thing that each Rune related to a person - and the seal to another one.
Yet obviously 'the symmetry is broken'. I so later came to suggest that 'alpha' is a thing - and that 'alpha' is the foundation to them Runes. This allowed me to 'make space' in the sense that rather than speaking of 'the Runes', this tripplet is just 'one' Rune - or lets call it 'Arch Rune' - and each 'Arch Rune' contains three "Crests" that each allow for a relationship or seal ... a.k.a. wedding. Archetypically "Slave Wedding" - as in: As property it doesn't matter whom I'm married to, it rather matters 'how many' I'm bound to whereby each relationships would come with an additional subset of conditions based on whatever that individual would fancy; While being in alignment with what my more privileged owner(s) want.
Thereby its also pretty clear that my 'Alpha Rune/Seal/Arc-Rune' whatever exists in favour of a primary relationship - a.k.a: Yea, well - what I am is a "raw piece", or an 'empty thing', as yet an ownerless object - in first place - cared for and grown in a certain way that would allow someone to acquire me. This however contradicts to the "#1" story, as that one is independent of alpha - at which point 'alpha' is/was determined by what #1 would expect. The Magic of Divine Wisdom!
The story went as so: Being in #1s realm, where so "the group" of people dwelled, I could consider myself as 'raw and unbound' - so being just my rudimentary self - with the one exception of having a strong attachment to #1. Then as this further unfolded I 'got married' to them - at which point I'm funneled through a process at the end of which I have that seal at my vagina - experienced as a wedding ring - while as by my raw self I was then (happily) bound into a condition of being nothing but a ... rapable object/sex-toy/prisoner/slave ... . Alpha hereby sets in to explain my 'rudimentary self' - as concerning 'why' I would happily become that kind of being. It never stood out as anything 'special' - to me it was just me, and for the most part thats what it is. "There is no alpha". Alpha is hereby excluded - we might say - in favour of emphasizing the independent value of #1. But yea - it ends up being strange that while I'm attached to #1, my situation is strongly in favour of others. That by the way is one of my larger ... well ... problems. That all the 'women' I'm attracted to ultimately would only seem to be concerned of "feeding me to the predators" - but these end up being something of emotional anchors that function as attachments 'beyond' the sexual implications. Those are however so severe that these attachments render me as something animalic - so, primitive ... pet-like.
Uhm, ...sorry - should that have been a point up there? Is this ... too much already? Anyhow - I feel like still going on for a little.
In the recent while I've come to "re open" my diary - basically a book (notebook, paper) wherein I started to write about my experiences as whore - although basically just scheming about my emotions and at some point I didn't know what to write anymore. One of the last entries was March 2015 where I have 'one' of the 'shackles' layouts drawn. I guess that just shows how slow of a process this can be. Maybe. So well, it would thereby further turn out - and thats basically just a minor yet somehow ultra relevant thing - that part of that 'collar' (at whatever stage) [which I can segment into: Gem, Bonds and Leash, thus incorporating shackles at wrists and ankles] - is a demand, symbolized by a chain to my collar that 'has to be' anchored to a wall - like a dungeon. And these are the type of things that make this whole process so complicated. Its easier - at first - to see the whole thing as 'one' thing, but then there are all the connections that matter and there is no clear order. Now it seems that my problem was that I associated the layout to the wrong person. It also seems as though my Seal 2 isn't only catering towards #1, but that as the gemstone moves to a higher layer - bonds and leash do too - such as that I as a whole am not solely #1s property. I mean - I am - definitely - entirely - but as "the thing" I am, I am also bound to other stuff that basically "flesh out" what I am in essence. So it concludes for now that [alpha ~ rudimentary] self.
Going further - there also is the thing of being a toilet slave. This is yet another 'origin story' that works independent of given relationships - and this time connects me to someone I couldn't figure out how to fit them in yet. Here there is a group of people that basically kidnapped me for purposes of rape - and to cement my position as rape slave I had to marry X.1 through whom I get "sealed" to become a rape slave (the/a part where I can only want/desire getting raped) and that by means of submitting into 'toilet slavery' - saying, thats a ritual of sort through which I commit to certain conditions - and as that I am allowed to marry X.2 who at that point relates to me being a Slave of the Devil/Satanism - by which I fulfill one main condition of being married to #1 - although there is no real link between #1 and X.2. This link is only given through satanism. And here - yet this isn't entirely 'clear' yet - X.2 relates to Seal 3, me being a "Joy Toy" - as contextualized within Rune 3 (via L3A) wherein I'm ... or well, simply put 'is' Rune 3 rather a place ... a dungeon ... associated to Satanism.
As for how this all matters, its I think always best to step back and narrow things down to a simple idea. In the most basic sense we - individually - are "nothing but a word". a.k.a. [insert name]. Then name=clarity. Like rose=flower. From here we get to things like ... in my case whore[captivity,enslavement] ... things we later come to remember independent of seals and runes. Just general things. One thing thereby is a thing I used to glance over - something somehow relevant ... but ... kindof not. I now call it the 'Pressure ID' or 'dense state' ... something relating to pressure in a sense of density. So, if we come to "scan" ourselves for an identity we may end up with a confusing lot of representations. Yet I can clearly destinguish between one that is relative to clarity without any additional stuff, ... and one that clearly relates to all that additional stuff while it thereby 'demands' to be recognized by an age. Its like the thing that sticks out the most if you had to fill out a form thats asking for specifics including age. Its like ... well ... in the afterlife ... what are we? Are you an adult? A senior? A child? In essence it doesn't matter because we can be anything ... but there's one thing we are 'most'.
Once again this image is kindof off - as ... at this point I'd just throw everything that sortof defines me 'at first glance'
in - while more accurately we would I think approach this as composed of multiple sections. And yes - its an abstraction,
apparently.Yet some rudimentary draft of this, just a few notes in a box on a piece of paper, would give you a place to start. As you might realize, most of these entries can be regarded by an independent origin. Yet what this 'one' image does is that it captures in words what clarity 'feels' like when brought to a wholesome point. Yet you - as observer - should have a much better idea of me when just looking at my alpha-seal and the 3 runes. That were also ... less ridiculous. I mean - this ... "wild accumulation of self-depriving declarations" - it does ... feel kindof unreal ... doesn't it?
Also, for me as a nearly 34 year old guy - this is kindof ... far far away. But this is basically still 'my heart'. Or, not so much my heart ... but what I am in a nutshell. So, what is me after my rudimentary self has been linked to #1+.
In these terms this is furthermore an abstraction because as of that I began male - say, my attachment to #1 is as a male towards a mother figure - while this attraction basically consolidated 'a male self awareness' to begin with. Within #1s realm the rest of me is added - making up my rudimentary self - and then this situation is copied and pasted into an 'idealization' whereby I finally exist as a girl - and whether I'm a daughter of someone involved or an abductee is secondary.
So does the 'age' basically say 'nothing' - its only the 'shell' wherein I would most preferrably exist.
In this sense its more like a ... "next Life" type of formulation. "NG+" (New Game plus - a ... gaming joke). So, as shown previously I start of as a Rape Slave - in which sense my rudimentary self [or actually an (neutralized) abstraction thereof] is first modified by L2D - in which state I'm 'given to'/acquired-by L2A - which may take a variety of forms. At this state I would refer to my contemporary biological self. I would live that life until I would get born again, by which time I'm bound to be reborn to the same people - or however still bound to them.
This is then what I tried to label as 'lifetime submission' - but is basically just 'eternal marriage'. So, I marry my #1 because thats what we do - while the terms on which we agree are perpetuated into eternity. This doesn't automatically suggest that this were to already affect me as a child - unless there is some place where that can get sealed. And that happened in the Alpha Seal. The part where I'm a 'girl' - though - it isn't specified 'how young'.
So to the right you can see an attempt at clarifying things. You'll notice that ... 'meh' ... while trying to 'satisfy' the demand of 'extending' the basic insight I get to places that ... don't add up. It is that issue with terms. Its perhaps just a trap of my own ways. Its apparent to me that whenever I have to 'guess' like that, I'm not yet aware of the full picture. So, what this should look like - supposedly - is to first of all lay out properly what 'phase 1' looks like. But that would already go beyond the pattern that this image imposes. The thing on mind were the collar - thereby first of all how it works basically - and so far thats how far it works out for me. So, that I would sort into the 'safe' category, while the previous 2 are drafts. Another thing thats confusing is the leash. Or all in all how things stack together or ... whatever.
So, "what am I"?
At some point these things get needlessly complicated - where, I think ... I mean, I get the impression that I'm trying something like explaining a what basketball court is by explaining who gets to play there when, with whom, what they wear, drink and what music they listen to. But ... while this is obviously ridiculous, there is some merit to that approach when thinking of a garden instead. Who owns the garden? Who goes there, when and why? All that factors into what the garden is ... like. If people go there to drink, there's obviously some space reserved for that.
And obviously what I'm looking for is a simple and practical arrangement of layers, where each additional layer adds to its foundation. As said - I'm a sex slave. Thats the simplest way of putting it. Whether I'm used like a toy or held like a prisoner is secondary. It does effectively not matter.
What however 'does' matter is the rape part. Being a Sex-Slave wouldn't right away imply rape - except for some things that are however rather exploitative of the situation than being explicitly rape. Rape however comes in as part of some circumstance which however exists due to the 'purpose'. So I can take that, add to it what my gratitude is all about; And say I'm a Sex-Slave [Rape-Doll]. Rape-Doll is thereby "naturally" an art-word used to further elaborate what type of a Sex-Slave I am.
OK, ... uhm - so far so good? I think ... whats easily forgotten is why all these things exist in first place.
To me they exist as a way of telling you what I am. Redundantly so. This wouldn't hold up to 'worldly scrutiny' I suppose. So, from a general perspective, an atheistic one, I'm just ... sick. I have no right to claim that I am anything of the sorts and whenever I mention this "I like to get raped" weirdness I mentioned initially - that ... doesn't give me any 'medical right' to ... visit a BDSM studio regularly either. You couldn't verify that I'm honest, true to God, here. But nonetheless I do "suffer" the truth of it, which ... well ... I have to deal with myself. Additionally you - from an atheistic approach - had good reason to worry that my 'pressure state' is there in behalf of some alternate agenda ... right? And so, how to force me to being honest? Or how to make sure that I didn't make a mistake?
And back we are at what clarity is. In worldly terms it doesn't turn out to be beneficial to me - in any way, shape or form. As to get back to the beginning of this: It even puts me under stress. Occasional tensions that make me feel horrible - and the only way to make me feel better is to embrace those horrors. And that is my life. I think ... I feel ... that a rather dramatic way of putting these things does the truth the most justice. So you can flip the two symbols in the banner on top around - even. For that point. Thats just a next level of it. It still only matters as outlines - while in that case the picture tot he right drew the default situation - the bottom or origin - with the one at the left being the top or target.
This is - accurately represented - however more of a vacuum, like a power cell maybe. Uhm, ... anyway. I think I'm loosing you again.
But thinking of vacuum leads me to a good example. Vacuum has some strange properties, when looking at it as scientists do. If you so suck all the air out of a box, well - you expect it to fold together. But once you let go of it, air goes back in; And thats due to the difference in pressure, whereby physics will always look for some kind of equilibrium. Clarity works the same way. If you take the previous image, you can think of that as a presentation of my default situation. The chosen default image even has some meaning - being one of many possible choices that are to just simulate a starting point. When moving further up to the one displaying the 3 runes we get one that is more in touch with what happens once I get in contact with stuff that relates to my clarity. This wants to come out, and thereby I connect via my clarity - ignoring what I am at the time being. What I am were only a shell. So I right away come to 'crave' or something the conditions that "describe" me - where 'the act of submission' isn't one of self-depravation but an attempt to be(come) myself. And this basically resembles 'part 1' of describing my connection to rape. That I want to get raped is thereby simply a part of what I am - a vacuum within the vacuum - and thats all the 'reasoning' there is to that. So, there is no deeper meaning to 'why' - effectively at least. We can go on and explore the psychological meaning thereof - as - why it is that this is deemed a 'good/OK' thing to be - when asking God. But eventually that takes us to places we don't or even can't understand - or are too specific to be common sense, ... at this point in time at least. We would so try to question: Is this good? Is this OK? But in the same way we can question: Is it OK if I like Vanilla ice cream more than lemon?
You might however want to take this as a given and on that basis ask God to give you an impression of what it feels like to be me; And you might discover - well - its not too bad. Some might even say "Lucky bastard!".
To put this further into context: I right now basically exist in a way thats the exact opposite to my clarity. As of that I have a strange attitude 'against' it - even - and that attitude is strengthened by any way I feel alright in my current situation. Yet this 'alrightness' is broken every once in a while - most importantly when it gets to things that make me horny. I mean - I have dildos for a good reason. I don't use them all that often - and that is another way of saying that I have a strange attitude against my clarity. The more I get along with being male, the less of a real reason or motivation I have to shove anything up my rear. But eventually I need it every once in a while - and thereby I like to fuck myself until I ... "come" - which means that I'm inwardly shaking/|vibrating| and I'm forced to collapse myself in order to rest.
This is thereby effective as a 'principle' within me. While I have that part inside of me that can relate to a male persona, this basically functions as a sacrifice. I have concerns - I've been there repeatedly - that 'boulster' my male "presence" - but no restraints to dismissing them entirely; And furthermore even a demand for doing so. And thats where we get to the 'core' of myself. I look for comfort and acknowledgement by "functioning as someone who wants to get raped". And that isn't anything artificial. It is conditioned, I am 'grown that way', and so its artificial in some sense, ... but it hasn't been 'created' artificially. So I basically 'need' my emotional anchors to comfort me by ascertaining me in being captured within these depriving conditions. So, what I'm getting to is that whatever I am 'fails' to matter in opposition to my clarity. More to the point: My greatest 'worry' is that I'm not going to get raped at all. And prior to worrying that I get too much of it, I worry to get too little of it. When it gets to the worries of getting too much of it - well - thats complicated. When I'm only concerned of my clarity there is no limit. There cannot be a 'too much'. So there are words like 'relentless' or ... simply: 'brutal'. But here clarity isn't everything. Here clarity is certainly - well, we could compare it to the bodies metabolism. The body wouldn't work or even be a thing if it weren't for that; As saying that body=metabolism. Including its protective layers. Yet consciously there is something of an upper limit - yet to describe it I basically need some reference to a social compound wherein my reality mattered. This gives space for me to sometimes be just as a pet, sometimes happy and free while still bound to expose myself to any kind of sexual approach (and that rather reluctantly than joyfully) - and other times to be more of a 'broken doll'. This is all intertwined within social dynamics. Like, the one moment I'm innocently living my life as a pet, the next moment some guests come in and ... eventually I'm taken away.
On other occasions I come to describe myself in regards of my 'divine origin' - being a Godess, the role-model of what it means to be sexually enslaved, subjected to rape - essentially a sacrificial victim to be sinned upon - and this picture doesn't have any tolerance. There is no "less than what is the most" - and naturally, in the big picture, this cannot be true 'all of the time'. We can pretend at points that there 'yet' isn't anything but that - but that wouldn't do justice to the wealth of life, what it means to live, love and be loved. In that sense I might also only exist as a baby while being "pooped" directly into a meat-grinder. Rinse and Repeat. Its ... pointless.
It also adds a very tangible dissatisfaction to me, if I ever exclude a life beyond sexual submission. That is thereby as close to an upper ceiling as it gets. And without 'love first' I think there isn't any real way to determine what that is about.
So there for instance were that probability that I "couldn't" get raped as much as it were demanded of me. Though practically this is a statement contradicting itself, you can realize that there should be something of an 'upper ceiling due to sanity' - or as we would say: Human decency. And we can further downplay that by finding "excuses" to not rape me - even if just as a matter of 'public form'. So, that there is a life between A and B.
Yet is this attitude somehow insane. I realize that. I "don't want to" hear anything that takes away from the amount of rape that I would get - yet there is another side which I can realize as 'joy' that I get from other things. Like ... eating ice cream for instance. Anything that didn't go through some digestive tract.
In those terms there is that very reasonable question: Might I 'opt out' of a lifetime of rape? And here amongst my greater worries, the worres greater than getting raped too much, is that I would attempt to 'snatch out'. Being somehow stubborn or ... however less "in touch" with what I'm clarity wise - to the point of it being somehow just a farce. Yet that is where Love comes in. To me these worries 'cannot' be a thing 'because clarity'. Saying that whenever I'd be stubborn like that - something was 'done' wrong. (Yea, "don't blame me!" ^^). We can compare that to a lack of lubricant - but it also works the other way, eventually. A lack of sincerity. And both 'failures' come down to Love. Not trying too much at once on the one side, but not restraining from exploiting me either.
The thing is that you might get a somehow male vibe from how I express myself here. I ... make jokes - for instance. If I were differently I'd be faking it. And I can tell you that 'this' male individual isn't too fond of what I'm writing about here - in the sense ... that ... I'm a guy and I kindof don't want to be raped ... or even feminized. If you take this male persona and paste it into a situation corresponding to my clarity you'd get an 'error'. "Doesn't compute". But that is also just as a thin layer of ice. Or ... thick ... depending on the situation. It relates to something I'd call 'intention of attitude' or 'attitude of intention'. As stated at some point I 'cannot' really want anything other than getting raped. What remains are "micro intentions" relative to my circumstance. In the same sense can I 'intend' something that influences how I function inside, so, setting up my attitude. This has thereby links to my "smarts". So, if I'm "out there" and my clarity is conceiled within myself I can function as that. If there were a confrontation of some sort I could stand as my male self. I can argue for myself - and all that basically matters to me - or for you in regards of me - is whats going through my head. As right now - being objective about clarity. I can argue against [whomever] 'as a guy' - and if someone kept referring to me labelling me a whore and ridiculing me, well, that'd make me angry. Thats how I would objectively relate to me, my surrounding, the situation ... - and I'd be looking forward to expose that person for a fool without shaming myself through my clarity.
To stay within that scenario - the show would be over at some point, we'd all return to our individual homes - and as that situation were still fresh on my mind I'd be still operating in the same mode. But what does this mode allow me to do? I could sit down and write about what I just experienced. But other than that there isn't much left. I'd be upset for a while - so, 'tense' - as my 'attitudes intention' would still be energized and thus keeping the ice frozen. I could practically also play some video game - but actually that doesn't align to my "flow". In essence I'd be 'back home' - and here I'm not a guy but a Sex-Slave. Property. So I might just sit down - try to calm down - and return to my life as 'pet' - saying, there is nothing worth mentioning until someone chooses to "play" with me. That could however also be done in public. In that very situation even. This were equal to saying "calm down". And because I don't 'feed my ego' through what people in the public think of me, as - because what I 'am' or 'who' I am - thats a matter relative to those that love me. They are the ones I try to "impress" sotospeak - and hence I had no shame to humiliate myself if they were to put me to it because I get my comfort through that obedience. Practically.
So, setting my male identity up as equal to myself in public is a fallacy. Setting this male identity up as equal to my 'male self' is also a fallacy. This male identity is just a shadow of sorts. In regards to my clarity, this male identity only exists in my owners privacy. And whether its allowed to be sexually male or not is a different story. Generally the answer would be 'not'. At least thats how I would want it. And as of that I would change as these things were to take effect. Although certain 'intellectual "glitches"' ... uhm ... markers of personality ... wouldn't disappear as they'd be fundamental to how my intellectual mind works. So, I think I'll always be somehow cynical - for instance. That would simply 'pop out' as a consequence of my intention to express myself through intellectual means. I think its a consequence to 'knowing stuff'. Or at least thinking/believing that. Its a way of "duh, isn't it obvious". While other times where I'm not cynical I'm rather just curious. And I think that basically summs me up intellectually.
What might happen then is that the lights might turn off, red lights go on - the door would be locked open - and this, rather than being just a neat fantasy, is closer to whats going on in my head. And whatever would follow could be considered rape already.
That were the second part. That rape doesn't have to be violent. Rape also exists within the circumstance (of being locked up for reasons of other peoples sexual pleasures). And this is what my clarity is about. It doesn't exist to support my male identity, but my male identity exists in support of my clarity. I mean - the question were: Which part is 'the act'? And the simple answer is: None of the two. Yet I don't need my male self in order to be locked up - and neither do I have to be male in order to use a computer. And when it gets to Video Games this gets clearer to me as I'm "legally withdrawn from those pleasures". As I previously mentioned a 'tangible dissatisfaction', this one would for instance allow me to complain about not having access to a computer or to be somehow creatively free. It would however not allow me to complain about being not allowed to play videogames. Its more of an exclusively male thing, based within a setting wherein I'm not yet 'occupied' in terms of my clarity. This means that I won't feel unhappy if that pleasure were taken from me, ... - as while it is a joy nonetheless it is none that competes for recognition. Furthermore does it even accumulate unhappiness as it were to compete against my experience as prisoner.
Which takes me to another interesting point. I have mentioned at some point that ... I think ... my depravity is measured in terms of a stack of 'privileges'. The idea being that 'being creative' were a priority like playing video games - and my depravation would be a matter of taking those away. So, functionally like a buffer. It did however not sit well with me. I didn't feel that it was right, but it made sense as what I had to write at that point was something along those lines. If I were to write that segment now, I would get to impose that my happiness depends on how much I am being deprived. So instead of having priorities 'opposed' to depravity, the situation would be inverted. I have priorities of getting depraved - obviously enough - within an environment wherein I could do stuff - which is furthermore 'hidden behind locked doors'. And thats really at the bottom of it. Where I get to say that I'm a prisoner in L2As kellar - the basic idea were that there is a room within which I could be myself. My ... 'male paradise' sotospeak. Sortof. A retreat of some sort. My male freedom. But as you can see in the 'alpha seal' image are there those arrows pointing into the male bubble - and that is the 'most accurate' way of actually saying whats going on. This 'infiltration' is part of my male identity - and so this 'male hub' is dominated by feminizing/depriving stuff. So, what happens outside of this room is still happening inside of that room - 'to some extent'. Basically unless I'm entirely alone - but then still through what is on my desktop, sotospeak. That my computer is setup so that I can't change background images and everywhere I turn I see sexual vanity and perversion.
In this regard I had no reason to complain should I 'really' - literally - get locked up in a kellar. Some part of me would even want that - like - as a birthday present ... that kindof lasts forever. Certainly there is this issue that absolute conditions like that come with a sense of impairment - like 'actually' depressing - but if we were to imply that it 'could' last forever we're back at the point of pointlessnesses. So its 'easy' to say that its unrealistic. It nonetheless would/should at some point become a natural part of my life.
Ough - well. I get a vibe of ... this is hard to comprehend. I mean - I get a hunch that some of you skeptics come to suggestions that you think 'pop my bubble'. OK then. The issue here is 'pride'. Or 'my pride' - or an 'imposed/suggestive' pride I have. Its like saying that I only want this to be edgy; And that if I had it that I wouldn't want it any longer. That I would want to impress 'you' by entering that life - but the first fallacy with that is that I wouldn't enter that life publically. You wouldn't even notice. From there on all I'd ever see from the outside world might be through videos, while all you ever saw from me were gated through my gatekeepers. I wouldn't have direct internet access and you would have to trust that if I wrote something it remained uncencored.
My suffering would thereby primarily not be for 'you' either - it would be something someone imposed onto me for reasons of sexual satisfaction. It'd only matter right there and then. You again might never know.
And so we get to part 3 - kindof - which is all about: How could I tell that thats what I want?
Well, in the same way I can ask you: What does Love mean to you? Is it something to 'show off' in front of your friends - or is it something strong enough for you to leave everyone you know just to stick to that one person you Love?
If I can count on my 'hunches' being real - then I have a real harem worth being jealous of. Clearly. But my real 'show off bride' is my 'actual' bride - A2B - a.k.a. "the one I'm married to as a guy" - so - the one who's truely my 'bride' - and not just a mistress or a husband in disguise. While everyone who is there as a 'mother' for me caters to my male identity, thats supposedly private. And there might be plenty of occasions where this would have a reason. Occasional moments of freedom - sortof "satisfying a public form" - alias "being normal people" or something like that. Next to that we however don't have labels and conditions such as 'I'm a slave of ...' if we didn't mean it. Regarding A2B for instance I start as a male - but my role as 'husband' is that of being feminized. In that regard A2B is also one of my mistresses - more like a teacher - and she is also free to exploit me in a variety of ways. So to the point that within given space and time my role as a husband were that of serving like a pet. This very well implies that attachment wise there is a 'male interest' that I have ... a clear space wherein I'm a guy and she's my bride and everything is fine - no reverse mechanism implied. But once this door is getting closed, like - most simply by not having a penis any longer, or more simply because of some fetish party or whatever, I am still fully myself. Instead of that room being accessible however - another one is. I don't loose joy from loosing my manliness - while the only way my manliness invokes a 'needed joy' is basically a matter of love. And I don't need to be male for that either. My male part is thereby ... well, basically my heart demanding some activity - a way to actively express my attachment - while, being exploited as female also satisfies my male demands to some extent. Or well - as far as my mindset is concerned: thats the goal.
Well - however. My clarity is all in all like a vessel for my higher self. Like a 'storage device' wherein what truely matters to me is being saved. Its like saying: "I've been [that] in my previous life and you can still see parts of it", with the difference that it isn't just my 'previous life' - but that its settled on a higher, divine plane/foundation. This adds a weird thing to the picture. That being that throughout my given lifetime I might acquire habits that alter how I relate to my clarity. Like saying that "well, back then videogames didn't exist! Now that there are ... I might want to rethink what I am". If that became serious, the whole presence of my clarity seems ... well ... shady. Saying: "I can't because I'm a slave" doesn't sound fair! It casts a bad light onto my owners - they might feel bad about it - but in all honesty they couldn't go along with it because they don't feel it. Hereby, first of all, clarity is still the higher instance and because 'that' is true they would be 'right' in denying me that. However it looked on the surface or sounded like. In that respect they truely were those 'mean' individuals - though, in some regard the only reason to stress that were to make them look bad.
So it depends on me ... doesn't it? And what is to be expected? And why? Again you can kindof make your picks - regardless of what is true or to be understood. I would stand there saying: "that is my clarity" - although then I again wouldn't because whom am I trying to convince? Ordinarily I wouldn't give two shits about it - but this ... well duh, obviously I think of a specific group/individual (#entity) that is genereally annoying to deal with as generally imposing such things and generally implying itself as the center of reality around which everything is to revolve. Obviously 'all of us' (you too) "owe them" an explenation and the only one they will accept is the one they like and so we "owe them" until they "own us". And that to me adds up to bullshit!
So - still, there are real conflicts like that going on within me - but you can't just 'pause reality' - sotospeak. You might at some point hit the pause button and 'extract' me since I'd be somewhat sympathetic towards a cause against my clarity, ... then you might want to go and forcefully restrain me in a sense of taking everything clarity related away ... and well ... that to some extent is what I am right now anyway. Then you should simply pretend that everything is OK and be terribly concerned if I ever were to "fall back" into "my old habits". The big question here: When can an enforced change be considered as 'effectively happened'? If I weren't a vegetarian and were forced to live vegetarian - when would I be a vegetarian myself? I might convince myslef even that I am vegetarian - but once that sweet smell of some fried bacon entered my nose ... its clear that I never really decided it. And regarding that - regarding our cultural habits and the good or bad of eating meat - I'll stick to it that we first of all have to learn to distribute our wealth properly - like, when I think about McDonalds for instance ... uh, off topic. But on one side its sick - on the other side its delicious. Its the whole 'on demand' culture. That is the sick part. That restaurants 'need to' have so and so much at any time instead of us understanding and imposing that within reason we 'can only' have so and so much at any given time. And we have to deal with that.
I mean, to look at it from a different perspective: What motivation would I have to exist against my clarity? Well, effectively this question already contradicts to itself. Clarity is motivation - or beneath it, deeper - and any conflict with clarity exists because of that. Because I'm supposedly forced to decide whether I rather want to have this or ... lets say video games. So well, then I would play Video Games ... and two things: 1) I would realize that it doesn't make me happy and 2) social critique. Our contemporary society/world SUCKS. Big time! If you've been listening carefully to 'Strat-Edgy' you - even as a non-gamer (it should be worth checking out his "RPG" related videos) - you get a sense of ... how Video Games these days aren't really what they used to be. Prime example: Fallout. Companies cater to consumers on base of money. Some might say thats reasonable, and some people would go further and defend those games - but that doesn't change the fact that there are some more 'hardcore gamers' sotospeak that value a more ... well ... 'profound' gaming experience. And this is kindof where "even I" have a sparkling desire for games. This goes along the lines of: There is no explicit withdrawal from video games. There may be - but like with freedom, at some points such things are getting pointless. I won't stop being a sex-slave just because I at some point might enjoy other things. That there are things I enjoy although they aren't part of my clarity is kindof about that. However - still, they don't matter that much. If I could never play a Videogame again it wouldn't directly influence me in a negative way ... 'except' for the fact that playing a Video Game would (if its a good one) give me joy that I otherwise wouldn't have. And whether I might or might not is a question of: Is there a reason to disallow me to? And there are times where the answer is a clear yes - and there are times where the answer is a clear or not so clear "Meh, I don't care!".
Anyway ... I do have reasons to believe that there are those 'hardcore gamers' that are as much 'gamers' as I am a sex slave. And I say that I 'am' a Sex-Slave because at the end of the day, thats what I am most definitely.
Anyway. This 'making games for the money' "thing" follows a pattern that I accumulated some sincere ... dissatisfaction about. The point is that games ... they kindof ... lose their value. You buy a game, play it for a few hours and then its done and you want the next one. The hype train will keep rolling, there are so and so many games to 'want' during a year, and ... most gamers out there should know the "problem" of having games they never play(ed). So around some corner, its just a small turn, gaming has become 'perverted' - to the point where its quite literally more of an addiction than a serious pleasure or passion. Its like a gauntlet - and eventually we thereby lean towards more and more ... stupid games. Easy "shooters on rails" where all we need to do is to moronically traverse hallway after hallway with AI that couldn't kill you even if you wanted to. "Past are the days where you had to remember what an NPC hinted out should be a target" - all you do is look at the minimap to get to that X on the map where you have to solve some stupid quest to get some pointless loot (and yay - Experience points that make all your decent equip pointless ...) - OK, we can be really harsh on gaming as it is today, cynical to the core - and still be totally right at every corner. This is the 'farce'. Same goes for smart phones. I mean, my smart phone is more powerful than the netbook I'm writing this on, the netbook I'm writing my software on - but when do I ever need that power? Good point! To run the Operating System! No kidding! As my smartphone was new the OS ran smoothely. Then came the lollipop update and all of a sudden my smartphone with 2.6 Ghtz or something and that twice had to struggle. WHAT THE FUCK?!
Of course I'd feel like throwing it out of the window and getting me a new one - but the problem isn't the hardware! Its the software! And that I can't "roll back" to software that 'actually works'. Aren't 'we' the people who 'make' the world we want to live in? Well, think again! We have 'buggerall' to say! Did you see the Southpark episode where Cartman 'trendscends' (thats the one featuring PewDeePie by the way) - and compare that to politics in the USA these days. More people want the President impeached than approve of him - and how is this a thing to begin with? If you once have the impression that we really have nothing to say, that we 'all' are upset and that all those that actually approve are just a show - how can you really claim that this isn't the case? What in this world tells you otherwise?
The internet maybe! The fact that it is designed in a way that allows us to be free. At least - so far. ... We hope. If you read this, well, thats because the internet 'does' work. But for how long? What I'm saying is that there is hope. Its not really as dark as we might be compelled to believe - and its dangerous to loose hope because 'then' the enemy will close the bag. And while you were paranoid that the Illuminati ruled the world and got upset about everyhing with a triangle on it you failed to realize that that is the better part of the world thanks to which we actually 'do' have hope. I mean, you might want to 'revisit' world war 2 history. That really happened! And we was "that close" to midnight already.
And what I'm getting at thereby is that within this 'treadmill' I could somehow maybe eventually be taken away from my clarity ... enjoying it for the time being (as I do right now, sortof, although 'right now' I don't - but you get the point) ... and eventually I wouldn't even care about those occasional feelings of dissatisfaction. I'd tell me: Well, thats how life is! It sucks! Its not always good at least! I have to deal with it! I mustn't be so demanding or sensitive or ... 'naive to think' that it gets any better! And the 'evil' ... then being more just like "the "evil"" ... would like it and feed us more of this perpetual bullshit where each and everyhing is just part of a huge gigantic skinners box while the last ounce of joy is getting sucked out of our reality. "Oh, what a heretic attitude". "Saw-ree!". Close your eyes - be a moron - and 'enjoy the ride'.
It works, doesn't it? We're happy! We don't really want good games - we only want to push buttons and get a reward for it.
Why do we need a social life? Eating shit is so much more fun!
"I would know!" - lol! But no - thats different!
And there is a thing ... a story about this image. Well, one is that it is one of those that sometimes pops up everwhere, wherever I look - and other times, like as I was looking for it, nowhere to be found. I haven't quite organized my chaos yet. And while I was so looking for it - it happened now and then that another picture caught my eye. And that somehow in a way that didn't make any sense. I could explain by saying that it just somehow tickled me - as the 'intention' of the image is - well, its the hashtag. That was all I wanted. And so I don't have any reason to take any image that is even just slightly different. There are a few that kindof work - but this is kindof my favourite. Its a classic instance of 'me versus ... unknown'. Basically "the culprit" that makes it harder for me - as, this "thing" doesn't seem to know what I want but somehow it thinks to know ... and I don't really know!
The "mommie" thing - well, its ... if you had asked me early on, in a time where I was still greenly naive, I would have been relatively open about that kink - but eventually one would look at me and kindof think ... nope! So, how does a 33 year old guy make sense of that?
Thats one thing about the pressure state. Its weirdly abstract - but I got to surprisingly good results from there. Results of a kind that ... are more fluid, when regarding clarity related things as 'static'. So, you have clarity - thats a thing - period. There isn't much tolerance because it is supposedly just a word. A simple word that says a lot. On the other side we have the 'spine' - its a thing yet so far it usually just grew passively.
Starting with the pressure state there are two general ways to go. The one is 'anti clarity' - which I would say is the 'abstraction' of ones self - and the other one is 'pro clarity' - which I would say is the 'alignment'. The basic principle is simple I guess. As the pressure state basically summarizes everyhing round about clarity the next logical step for me seemed to be that of regarding my abstraction, which would basically draw out what that is all about which should at least function as contrast to what else there would be. When however skipping that, I'm forced to take the step of abstraction through alignment. So I think of what I make of my pressure state - and a thing for me is that an alignment to rape makes me fancy pregnancy. I think I can get to this conclusion in other ways too - but this one is kindof really on point. Further does this step invoke the spine. The fancy for pregnancy does grow into the more general term of 'motherhood' - which has a correspondence in the spine, while this has a correspondence to the pressure state. So in my case there is the 40 year old blonde thats a mother, opposed by a 6-12 year old blonde thats also about to be a mother. That because in my situation I prioritize being exploited early on already, so being pregnant as a child is greater than being pregnant as a grown up. Then I realized that while I was so at this point of my abstraction - that not only is this a strong link, but now also my 'abstraction' connected to my spine - saying, my male abstract self mingles with my Spine at the age of a teenager - and thats what makes up what we might call my "tranny self". Or ... the sissy in me. And I think its there on the 'first logical spot'. So, because my childhood is already occupied, the abstraction (or as I called it: convergeance) takes the teenage years. Hmm, well. That doesn't really say anything like clarity does - its more like ... how many wrinkles I got. Its trivial.
Its an ineresting subject in its own right - and to me - well, its still all basically the same. Self exploration. How hair colours matter - or conceived ages - that showed to be part of a more elaborate structure. Like obvious. If I get born brunette - there is also supposedly a grown up version. And while my spine Identity is blonde - my general ID should be brunette. Black haired is again something else. But it all revolves around the same thing. Symbolically my redhead ID maybe - but this is also kindof pointless at some point.
But it still makes for the 'right' context - as decoration or for style. At some point maybe "the sciences of choosing an avatar" - if you ever cared to take it that deep!
For me - this is also a concern - something that boggles my mind occasionally. One issue being that somehow, something, isn't really happy about me preferring female avatars in videogames. I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong there. Maybe its ... "tring too hard". I mean - realistically, if I were a girl, would I really have an urgent need to pick a female avatar? I mean, I can fathom how I would still - if the life I lived allowed for it - be a Duke Nukem fan I suppose. And it'd make sense that the male part of me would come out - while on the other side I can't denie that I'm maybe feeling like that ... if I now became a woman ... also having female avatars might be too much. Except that its kindof fun to play around with Character creation tools - but as a matter of experience - they are only as good as the game attached to them. I mean, because if the game is good the Character gains value - else I couldn't care less about it. And sometimes it also sucks. Dark Souls 3 does it really well. One has 5 rebirths per playthough, and there one can either reroll stats or change the appearance. In the meantime can one just start a new game but never actually 'start' playing. Just creating a character and saving it as favourite so it can later be imported if one so fancies. And also do I feel honestly different about a Dark Souls avatar - because sometimes the avatar is intended to be just an extension of yourself. Its I guess only then when there is a question within me about whether I should pick male that I should. So, in MMORPGs for instance.
I mean, choosing an avatar somehow relates to what you are willing to "give" "away" of yourself. And when it gets to World of Warcraft for instance I tried picking a female avatar because at the time it seemed the right thing to do - but my experience there was always somehow 'meh' - compared to my cliche paladin a.k.a. Karmanale. And it makes sense. So, in a sense of roleplaying. If I picked a female character I'd have to roleplay a female self and ... that kindof doesn't work in World of Warcraft. It works in Dark Souls because there first of all isn't a real social aspect and the journey of overcomming ones own weaknesses is gender neutral. Its 'real'. Its ... empirical. It matters to everyone - whatever one is. So, even as the potentially weakest of all social forms its just as relevant. And so far I haven't encountered any evidence to suggest that we're ever entirely 'cured' - sotospeak. So, its the same even - regardless of whether or not you are strong in whatever way.
Oh yea, wow - how is this for contrast?
Lets now call it the 'realm of Avatarism'. I've written about it occasionally - mentioning a common realm in the afterlife, like a big city where we occasionally go and do stuff - as some might even spend most of their life there.
And in this regard this "mommie self" plus "slave garment" were mine.
I took the background because the character there is sitting - which is how I in my view would appear. "As within a box" - kindof. The
thing is - there is no reason why I should be abstracted; Plus there is a stronger why my appearance there should be "subject" to my
'real life' - or representative thereof.
The one to the right is closer ... or really really close ... to what I am at home ... basically where I'm 'in my pet freedom'. And
this wraps it up for the day?Well - not entirely. I don't feel like I'm there yet.
Well yea - it seems like I've made my point ... but that is 'twice' now. And at the very least is this a good "lesson" about life - something that I encountered to be true - and am still somewhat fascinated by. I ... sorry. But I really can't come up with a better comparison right now: God is like a fucking machine with an infinite power source. This is also true when it comes to the Matrix thing. Whenever you think 'this is it' - you get to the mountaintop, peek beyond the horizon and expect something even, not mountainous but 'boom' ... "and it goes on". Well, kindof. It doesn't feel straineous - and so there is that point where things do really come to an end - but its not really an end!
Not everything is so. Like when it gets to avatarism. So, yea - I almost missed a point there. I asked: how is this for contrast? And I iterated with me in a slave outfit. OK. But it isn't depriving. Its kindof cheating - saying that I can paste a happy face onto literally anything - but that is so the point within the realm of Avatarism. I don't have any real ... "thing with rape" there. It should be really simple to understand all that. Its neutral space. I come from a background of rape and slavery - and whatever the expression on my face there - that would 'now' translate into a neutral reality where I can 'brag' with it. And thats the right way of putting it. Saying that I'm happy about my situation while we don't have any reason whatsoever to be 'uber seriously'. Uberly serialsness. And in that respect, well, "What dreams may come" is in deed a nice presentation. I thought so way before I had a clue - and by now that much more clue that I have can be boiled down to the expression: "Why not?".
The thing ... that I want to get to ... regarding the realm of Avatarism in the sense of this contrast ... is about consciousness. Well - what is it? What do we 'have' of it? Regarding me we could settle on a destinction between 'high' and 'low' consciousness for instance - where I'm preferring a low consciousness state; And from there I'm asking: What do I have of a high consciousness? Its a silly question because if I have it, I have it - and I'm still perfectly me. The difference between now and then would be that in like 1 million years my background has changed. Right now my background is obviously that I am male and am mostly known - regarding past iterations of myself - as that. But how much were that in total? I'm actually not even sure if I'm above 50%. This means that as I'm speaking of my clarity right now its mostly abstract. I can speak as a slave, but only in respect to my clarity. Perhaps some past lives that nobody knows about - but that obviously is gone right now. Its only ... kindof a thing. Eventually it will at some point be abstract for me to relate to the male part in me - and thats when I'll be closer to ... 'what I am' ... strangely enough.
And why am I not there already? Well, maybe I am - actually.
Consciousness though is genderless - somehow. It however has an acquired gender. So, the more we experience ourselves getting referred to by a given gender label the more it sticks with us. That why transgender people are somehow sensitive when it gets to that. If you want to be really mean to a transgender person, you gender-label them by what they used to be - because that will tickle their mind that way so they'll see what they used to be and that they don't like. As simple as that. What I got going for myself there is that I'm somehow hard-boiled. Too hard maybe. There is no real good or bad either way - generally speaking - as, it can be good to comfort them in their identity - as it can be good to challenge them. Sometimes this is even the best thing to do - as it is a harsh contrast to whatever 'fantasy' (we all have [these] fantasies, either way - this isn't transgender exclusive) we built for ourselves and that forces us to be a bit more ... 'real' or ... conscious about our ... ways, reality, self ... anything. But eventually that can get annoying too. I mean, where's the point of being female if all that it entailed were to be male after all?
The 'sensitive' spot there is, ... lets suppose that transgenderdom is basically just a delusion. (How can trasgender people claim that gender is just a social construct? Because they weren't allowed to choose while clearly they would have chosen their opposite sex. But that in and of itself already entails a somewhat fixed gender role). This is the greatest fear of a transgender person. So, the more likely it seemed that its just a delusion, the more desperately they would hope that its not. That too is considerably normal. As to the point that we don't always know - and sometimes things are not what they seem to be! Like, no matter how hard atheism is trending - God still exists!
And eventually we so really come to delude ourselves - although that as result of a protection mechanism - saying that we close our eyes worrying that if we are confronted with our 'unwanted gender' ... the bubble would sortof 'pop'. And thats why gender-alignment when 'done right' - a.k.a. with medical support (instead of just getting rich and "fuck you") - there is always psychological assistance. So, most stories I know first etner the stage of crossdressing - to start getting used to what it will be like afterward, and a lot of talk to make sure ... I suppose ... that the person is in its right mindset going forward.
God can do really strange things to our consciousness. To him, "it seems", our minds are like ... a box of chocolates - and he exactly knows whats in it. I mean, lets take a bag of m&m's. If God only wants to pick out the red ones - then thats what he does. And this ... in regards of my clarity and gender position ... could work as a cure - theoretically. I mean - this were as close to a 'cure by conscious consideration' as it got. But then we wonder: Cure from 'what'?
The way God however used that power on me was all in favour of my clarity - of course! I mean, what else? Experience wise those moments are like - God just shoving a cock into my mouth and letting me deal with it. Its effectively embarassing, humiliating, ... and those are really 'the selected bits' ... but I enjoy that. Well, not like I would want it that way all the time - but eventually its a nice contrast to the usual 'low consciousness' experiences. So instead of closing my eyes and 'hoping' that I'm right about this, worring that it might explode in my face, there is not a part in me that doesn't understand what it is that I truely want. If I were Superman ... or Supergirl/woman, thats like immunity to Kryptonite. Well, at least in general. When it gets to the rape and depravation part - that doesn't really factor in that way because thats bound to give circumstances. There its due to the increased consciousness about my clarity that eventually came to "wake up" from my "dream" and yet the bubble didn't pop. There's more like a dark hand that shoves me back into my "dreamy" state - while in those situations there is nothing I can do other than to experience whatever is being done to me.
The worry that a higher state of consciousness puts an end to those experiences is unwarranted! Or - just flatout wrong!
So - Love for me is to be treated as a Sex Slave. And why do I throw that in? Well - regarding myself, as how I present myself here, I guess I must admit that I'm somewhat biased. At this point my male background is like a commodity - I ... "use" it like "hey look at how reasonable I am!". And I think it is 'that' which gives me, in hindsight, a weird impression of what I've done so far. Its - ... thinking about the pictures I choose ... some are clearly chosen because they resonate with my "female parts". Or so a lack of male ones. Once I have a good canvas all I need is to slap shackles onto it and its somewhat perfect. That is crisp and clear how I feel. Or so, what I aspire to be. Or so, what I am. 'How' I am. Yet I can't help but ... well, its basically rubbed into my face by the spirit ... see a penis in those images. Or where there clearly is none - it doesn't feel like there is none. And this basically summs up as a "bad taste in my mouth" - effectively. One thing I did to compensate that at some point is to use fakes of myself that I made - and while trying to sort through my collections I realize that I'm somehow clueless as I realize that I haven't gotten a folder somewhere to store those images that really emphasize "that" feeling. But anyway - at this point it'd stand that the problem aren't the pictures I choose. And that I don't give enough space to my male parts can't be a thing because Seal 1 is a thing.
So I wonder - why is this?
And I realize: It has to somehow relate to 'you' - because ... what else? I know what I am. I know how I am. But due to these impressions I understand that there is a problem of some kind. Well, maybe its both.
If you scroll up to that "Rape Doll - Sex Slave" image ... this image is one of the better ones I got when it comes to reflecting my contemporary self. In other words: This is the male part in me speaking. Or that. Well, its not really obvious. You might as well visualize an erect penis there where it would be - in that sense a vagina isn't a necessity. As ... everthing told about clarity - as much as it relates to how I feel or "define myself" - is 'effective already'. There is no magical point in the future were all of a sudden these things become true. I mean, ... in that sense ... you get the point. So, while right now I have a dick - for real - (strange thing: As the "transgender self" "awoke" in me - one of my first 'realizations' was that "LOL, I have a Penis" - and for the time being it was kindof funny) - the whole clarity thing "still" applies on me. And the saddest part about it all would be ... I think guys can relate ... I have somehow developped an attachment to it ... like ... to a friend. And I know that sooner or later it will be "bye bye".
Well, to be crisp and clear about it: The thing that motivates me ("the most") to keep my male parts is a matter of Love. Like I earlier mentioned the 'weird' fact that all of my 'brides' seem to be only interested in getting my fucked by guys, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it so. I mean, I wonder what it is that they get from it. I have to somehow believe that this 'rape environment' is real - and because I mostly relate to them females I don't really ... dig that part. I don't expect it to be a real thing - and so I'm left with these ... "corpses of a relationship" ... and it all starts to feel really stupid.
Then it usually happens that the spirit ... or a spirit ... a manifestation of someone or ... a figment resembling someone I love - dunks my head into darkness while I'm inwardly ascertained in feeling all right about it by taking it as a given ... so ... that me being female is what is generally wanted/desired. This triggers some sense of gratitude - it sparks desires - and gets me into that spiral of self-depravation. And I don't have any other motivation. The closest to one were the simple next step. The part where I would love #1, or anyone, through my male ego. As mentioned are there links - and each of them is - I strongly suppose - entirely free to give it to me that way for as long as it is possible. And naturally are there fantasies on my mind ... that basically make up the meat of this understanding. Although - as somehow mentioned elsewhere - when it gets to #1 its somehow complicated. More so than with L2B for instance - but as easy as it would seem to be in those terms, as ... "shallow" are they. They are desires ... but that only somehow. Well, first of all - obviously enough - those can't be 'real' desires because all that I 'can' desire is for me to get raped. What I would call a 'real motivation' is a strong or even just somehow clear inner impulse to demand satisfaction for my male self. Or something along those lines. The closest I get to that is when I feel embarassed about what I'm sharing about myself or if I feel imbalanced. In the latter case I ... 'did' ... go on to say to myself: "OK, lets demand being male for now" - but that doesn't change how I feel about anything whatsoever. Eventually being male gets to me one way or another in a way that then accumulates discomfort and woops - "here I am".
So, this "as close as it gets" isn't quite there. By that I mean that ... well, lets be a bit more open about the fact that all about clarity is all about feeling great! Or good! Its about joy! So, there is no shame in admitting that "I want 'this' because it feels good/better". And if I was told that I'm not getting any fun out of my cock - that caters to my self-depriving pleasures and ergo feels good. Neither do I feel like there were a loss of some kind. So, its a pleasure I might enjoy for some time - even so that in that situation I could totally commit to it. Well, to the point of allowing myself to exist in a male form and whatever emerges from that. But that still is just a matter of 'micro intentions'. The moment that were taken - it might as well have never been a thing.
So was there a time where this wasn't quite as clear to me - and I kept looking for "it" - a "thing" where I could stand upon saying "Ha! I have male privilege" - which I however don't have. Well, this sounds ... "cocky". Its not intended that way. Its however ... normal I guess. If I had found something I could tell you about it. What I have - that I have just written about. Give or take. Whats left can be considered ... well ... issues of pragmatism. Like relationships that are somewhere there in the fringes of deep intimacy where gender is a fluid concept subject to the individual chemistry between individuals. Spaces by the way that aren't entirely redeemed of clarity. It would be ... sad ... otherwise. And I haven't really explored that space yet. I so far only "skimmed" it - and within the space where gender is fluid I still happen to be female at the core.
Its after all still wrong to claim that my male self isn't a thing. But the only way it really matters is when 'forced' to it.
The thing I have to justify the most in all this is that I'm so comfortable with being a guy. Well, it seems. Its right now that I can be happy about it. I'm writing this - all else doesn't matter - and I so just happen to have a male body. But once I'm done with this I got to go back to wondering about what to do next; And the whole issue regarding how happy I am is a totally different one.
You might have read elsewhere that I have psychological problems right now - and they do basically drive me to, well, I would anticipate that once I am in therapy I would at some point mention that me being transsexual might be a factor - so, cowardly getting there - and if thats how it will go I'd be embracing it. Its something to look forward to - in all of this mess.
I'm however looking forward to it - and either way it were only a matter of time.
Some might say its cowardous - I say its "swimming with the flow". Its the "don't worry" philosophy. And if you are transgender and not as "chill" about it as I am, well - you can consider yourself lucky. Kindof. Although in the grand scheme that is not really a gender issue. I ... am what I am in that regard. Some might say shy, others might say cowardous. I say its weakness. I mean, there are other things I actively pursue.
And to now so get back to the question - how can I tell that rape is what I want? In some sense the right answer is that I can't! In that sense I 'know' that rape is what I will most certainly get when socializing with those that I love - and that is most certainly what I want - what I know I want - what I would under no circusmtances want to miss out on; And if I had to miss out on that - I would have to be forcefully kept away from that. And ... well. Now it makes sense. I mean, the part - where I at some place had the question: "Do you even know how deep the rabbit hole goes?". The way I wrote about it - I kindof 'deflected' the question by applying it onto the enemy. It was however rather asked in terms of ... the Illuminati "rabbit hole". And in this context I end up hoping that it, well, goes ... really really deep! What I want is ... feeling the door basically shut behind me - stepping forward into uncertainty, frightened, 'bound' to embrace the fact that there is not even a concept for turning back and the only thing left is to embrace the darkness ahead.
Well - this is a solid thing. You might so have understood the concept of "wiring". So, that there are certain parts of my anatomy that prepare me to expect certain things. Like kneeling down, humbling myself - "slave manners" sotospeak - they are already written into me. So, these situations wouldn't make me feel uncomfrotable - they wouldn't invoke negative impressions - when being humiliated, in that sense, I don't feel repelled by it - but am even turned on. Those are all aspects of my life - 'real' tangible stuff. Like those shackles - they are inside of me - underneath the skin - a fixed part of myself. The sole idea of getting rid of them is absurdity in a nutshell. Some of them are globally effective - like the shackles or Seal 1. I can put all my passion into loving my cock - it doesn't work out! One moment I'm scared, frightened, but the next moment ... its just gone and I embrace my reality. Other things are more bound to the circumstance. So the experience of "the door shutting behind me" - as for the lack of a better way to put it. Its one thing to see an end to it - I know the turmoil - I know how something that the one moment feels like it could last forever is the very next moment like gone and void. But I also know those moments where I don't see an end to it - or more specifically 'see' that there won't be an end to it - and sinking into it, embracing that - so in a sense of trying to get along with it, to adapt - that I'm also wired to expect. I can't realistically expect that this moment won't come. I sometimes feel a tickling sensation in my hands - as though the bonds around my wrists were too tight - and aside of tickly, it feels right!
That is the general context. Because I'm a smartass at this point it still seems kindof reasonable to discuss exactly what kinds of torment I have to expect. Kindof wondering: At which point would I scare back? And again my wiring sortof - gives it to me - saying, ... while we're in the 'all is good (unified with God)' spectrum of reality, this point were there - if something came too fast for my taste - but once the door is already shut ... it doesn't really matter!
I mean, if everything went on smoothly - just right in tune with how I feel, what I'm looking forward to - we can speak of elegance. I mean, thats what elegance is. Being harmonic with everything around. And here the point were - things don't always have to be elegant. Sometimes people need a kick up their butt.
And I think this is a good point I can close on. But ... this time it really isn't me - who/what/which keeps this going!
So I wonder, though more effectively I'm led to wonder - a.k.a. asked, what will/would I miss out on? And it wouldn't surprise you if I told you that I only know one way/direction to tackle this question. It however wasn't always like that. I would see other ways - ways that seemed fine for the time being - until at some point a critical mass was reached and with that things surged into my mind that that "now" establish my "newfound" clarity. So, these questions aren't boldly an excercise in ignorance - quite the opposite. So some years ago I would have had plenty of answers. Like most simply: Any male pleasures. Simple enough. As in "duh" - whatever I'm missing out on. But the point was or is - "duh" - which of those things really matter to me? And I also had answers to that. Some of them are still somehow effective today. In the grand scheme these are questions we basically answer on a hunch. We 'suppose' that missing out on this or that were a terrible thing. And whenever you are binge-watching YouTube you might know that feeling. Whenver there are two videos in the side-bar you want to see but you can only watch one. And by the time you would come to watch the one you decided to watch later - there are oompteen more you yet cued up for later. And once you're basically "done" watching YouTube - you are kindof used to it and not seeing a video, well, whatever - who cares?
By the time one is done seeing it all, there is so much more that has yet to be seen - and so this is simply an excercise in eventually giving it up.
Is this now an ambigous way for me to say: Yea, I will still mis "this and/or that"? Hmm, in that sense - nope! Part of the things that I realized is that I don't really want any of it - uhm, the things I would miss out on. It is clearly naive to basically shut the windows entirely - sotospeak - #pointlessness - but keeping it open for a bit so isn't equal to "keeping the possibility around". To some extent it is just rhetoric to keep it sane and realistic, for thats what it is. Once the door is shut - there will evitably be stuff I'll be missing out on. Whether I care about it or not. A lifetime of captivity is still a lifetime of captivity. Whether or not in some hundred years I might be free for a while. It doesn't really matter in my current lifetime what may one lifetime be. Its something I can dream about - while still being effectively hopelessly separated from it, even if one day in some life I might get it.
I also know for a fact that there is this part of me - basically my male self but it can also be female - that simply doesn't like to get raped because this is what it means to get raped. All this considered - I ... am reminded of a Simpsons episode. There Mr. Burns enters his "high security Bunker" - which then ends up being just a shabby wooden shed sloppily attached to his power plant. So the scene goes like through epically thick doors with monstrous locks - its like a safe door that is built into a single wall. What I mean is that by now I can only pretend that I care - ... - I know what I am, ... and ... well, its thereby effectively wrong to say that I know what I want because its bullshit. I so want what I don't want - thats what I mean. I kindof expect that there is only one way I can/will/want-to answer this question - and that in hindsight I'll feel ... bad, horrible, scared, frightened - maybe even hopeful to be wrong - about it ... and the prospect of being betrayed in that hope basically excites me.
Well - this is one way of putting it. The easier way is to take that YouTube example. Saying - I'm done thinking about it and so far I've encountered nothing that I really cared about that would motivate me to 'not' answer it in 'the one and only' way that I know to answer this question. Uhm - I can't really answer that question considering that I don't know what to expect exactly. But that is OK. I mean - to just get straight to the point - I'd say that even if I had to eat shit for the rest of my life - and nothing else - I'd still want it. See, thats evitably something I might want to reconsider once I've uploaded this. In other words I wouldn't expect that to be the case though.
Its the other way of going about it. Instead of asking what I might miss out on - its asking for what I might not like or enjoy about it. And at some points its an excercise in bullshit. Like, would I trade in ice-cream for eating shit? And I'm actually thinking about it! Just between the two the answer is a no-brainer. I genuinely don't like eating shit (yet) - and I love ice cream. At least occasionally. But if shit means becoming a rape-doll and ice-cream means nothing of that sorts, eating shit is genuinely more attractive and ice-cream ... I start loosing interest in.
In essence I hereby mean to say that I'm at a point where I'm not interested in that question. I don't want to know about anything I might miss out on. I've seen enough for my tastes. In simpler words: I'm a Sex-Slave - and while its effectively unreal to say that thats what I want, it is what I'm feeling comfortable about. The point is that at some point my will doesn't matter anymore. Thats inherantly a part of it. So like, the only way that it mattered were to humiliate me by not giving it to me. The joy thereby isn't in that sort of stuff. Its in the situation - the experience - the "lifestyle". And all in all it can't be Clarity if it were as bad as really bad. Or even just remotely bad.
So I see it as that: If I had to eat shit for the rest of my life - God would make sure that I'd be enjoying it. What the point were? I mean - it wouldn't start to taste like ice-cream. I possibly wouldn't even enjoy it per se. I would still be disgusted by it. And that would be the pleasure. Its weird - but eventually this whole idea is not even an issue. Love rules everything - ... and getting raped is my redemption.
To tone it down a little - well, we've been there. We can totally draw all of this in a fluffy way and everyone could be happy that way. At least theoretically. If the situation demanded it - God would do his thing and everything were fine. But its still false to claim that that is what I actually want. What I actually want is to be with the ones I love - and I have a strong feeling that I'll start to feel uncomfortable if all that I'd get were fluffy.
To amp it up - well - I did mention at some point that I hope that the first time you'd see of me 'after the doors shut' behind me I'd be mutilated. Then it got to me: Well, what if they'd cut off my fingers? Thats the most horrible thing I could think of as it would inherantly disallow me to write anything. It would be awkward to try it - and I don't think I'd be motivated to. With my fingers - a whole lot would be taken - plus the moment where they would be taken. I mean, these kinds of things - down to getting snuffed - really frighten me. I can't even look at it when I'm at the Doctor and blood is taken from me. I mean - I can. I once forced me to look at it. But the next time - I couldn't do it anymore. Again.
And so there is this nasty feeling again. I maybe touched on that before. Its the part where all my programming, although it totally gives me some degree of pleasure to think about it, only accumulates in terms of negative experiences. The positives don't matter. I know that I would be terribly unhappy - at least as of recent standards - if that were taken from me - but right now I only get the negative impressions ... again ... and once that is how I feel once I had to give a once and for all answer - I think the answer is obvious!
There certainly is merit to the suggestion that most of these ideas are only there for the shock value. In that regard my self-depravation is effectively a passion - primarily to satisfy a sense of sadism, but at some point also for people to see it and that however for me to feel bad. Sad. Pittiful. And that satisfies me. Its - for me - although with reluctance - soemthing to look forward to. Its part of what I am. Part of what makes me a 'rape doll'. That I'm basically just an item that is catered to sadistic individuals.
And well - yea - this is a good stretch 'off' of the initial description of what I implied 'is' rape. And around some points I have to say, it isn't realistic. Sortof. Its on the edge - effectively. It is within the scope of what I embrace for myself - but when drawn too darkly defying the 'order of Love'. Kindof. This is an issue of what this scope is. And that is one of those 'either or' stories. Like with eating shit. This nasty feeling I just mentioned - it can be both. It can be dissatisfction about 'not' being able to write - but it can also be dissatisfaction about not being withdrawn from it. What adds a reasonable end to this nonsense is the question for boredom. That is eventually something we all have to suffer from time to time - yet, if it were the default situation it would only be horrible and that not in a good way.
Death and this kind of violence, I can possibly not stress that enough, are however still only "the outlines" - or so at the bottom of things, or 'beneath' things that effectively matter. So there is the image on the right side of the banner - and that I also associate to getting raped. It is thereby my male self as forced into the condition of a sex-slave, or rape slave. Abducted and "mutilated". And thinking about it - regarding boredom - well, yea - "sadly" there is simple stuff like that. But ... I at this point have to throw in that there is a part inside of me that is really upset about being forced into "too stupid conditions" - effectively. But is that just an attitude problem? Possibly. I have strong reasons to belive it.
So, there is a point that somehow drops out at the bottom of this. My expectations are ready for those horrors - in the sense that if I ever got too much I'd have to deal with it; And that basically in a way that makes me want it so. Like, I'd be happy to deal with it. And the worry that I might get too little of it sortof furthers that notion. But I somehow can't leave these things standing that way.
Death, in all simplicity, only marks the end of a lifetime. And this part of it should be clear. I mean - there is a difference between whether or not my prospect were a natural death or not. So within the confines of being a rape slave. I either die as one or there is something like retirement. In these regards I can't lean either way. I can possibly only sigh in relief if retirement were the thing; Though I 'might' enjoy the other way more. I say 'might' because ... well, its a thing. Its like the ultimate conclusion - but so, I feel like I haven't even properly answered the question of 'what I would miss out on' yet.
There is nothing I really care about. Simply put. Thats the answer. And the rest is really in the hands of God. Beyond this my oppinion or attitude should simply not matter a bit. In some sense this is simply about whether or not I'm stupid enough to acknowledge that. Although more effectively that is already a thing of the past. And so its simply about whether or not I want to "return home" - and what would await me there ... bullshit aside ... should be enslavement - at which point, yea, thats what I want - per se. And obvious enough - I either lost the thread or I'm just at a logical end here. I can only repeat myself - and maybe find a new way of expressing something, that however to the same end-result.
... but this 'nasty feeling' still bothers me.
Well, ultimately my creative freedom as the prospect of being never really withdrawn from it is 'solid'. I need to emphasize that this is a thing too. The reason why I can't mention that as a thing is that it isn't a 'per lifetime' thing. Per lifetime, well, there have to be certain things that make it worth the while - but in that regard pitching feedom against captivity is a flawed assessment of the facts. In general though its a thing - as along the lines of "whatever works for the time being". So far my life has sucked - but I don't experience how me staying male would change that. In this sense it would suck even harder - I mean, both ways. I mean, things would get "worse" as a rape slave, but this is a positive perspective to me. From bad to worse seems bad - no doubt - but calling it 'worse', the being a rape slave part, is at this point ambiguous. I however fancy the idea - that I never had any real joy and then end up as that - as a desirable depression. Thats ... well, what I am.
I think the bottom line here is about what I expect. Or what I deem realistic. Practically - or so, as I'm taken to the issue of kindof telling 'you' what to expect. It would be bad either way. If I told you its 'dark' and it were fluff - or the other way around. Once I draw it too dark, that much has been turning up repeatedly, its kindof ... like pointless. But what is too dark? Getting physically mutilated? Well, sometimes. It all depends on the frequency in which I'm being exploited - and this is basically an issue that goes beyond reality. There is a correlation however - and if "that much" frequency is realistic, "that much" were realistic.
I mean, at some point there is no way how I as a sex-slave could be 'presented' to you in a way thats anyhow ... not pointless. So is it pointless to draw an arbitrary line at some point; As it would only exist to please you - and that shouldn't be the basis on which these lines were drawn. As you might still be confused about where I would settle an upper ceiling, ... I can't really draw one. For me as a Rape-Doll that isn't a concept I can talk or write about. I know I'm wired to not have a ceiling - but that doesn't include "harsh violations of human decency" like, just taking a scissor and cutting off my dick. This fails because that isn't a concept of pleasure or being a rape doll. More effectively would that invoke me as a male - but whatever. Yea, details like that ... I don't care. I am what I am - and whether or not a soldier were afraid to die wouldn't stop him from going to war. But yea. Enthusiasm is certainly not the right word to capture the mood of my anticipation. Fright is the better word. Yea, you guessed it, in a way that excites me. Thats ... basically the "clit" of this issue - answering the question for what I expect. Or, hope to get.
If I were enthusiastic about it - there wouldn't be much to fear and that wouldn't really say its rape. Yet, with this attitude I'm going to be frightened anyway - until what I get either justifies it or not. But yea - I guess this is enough of this stupidous rambling. You get the idea/point.
All of this stands upon my clarity. What I am - and what I'm allowed to enjoy. Here the thing doesn't determine the quality, but the permission. Divine bliss is divine bliss - in whatever way it comes. And thats where the line should be at. And so, "here we are again" - same point, same case. Still not a bit smarter, ... kindof, ... and if there is a next time I get into this topic you can know already that I'll yet be a rape slave - and if I feel like I have been too explicit here I'll try it in a toned down manner - while if I feel that I haven't been explicit enough, ... well ... "go figure".
So, hmm. Yea - I guess: The fundamental joy of a Rape-Slave as far as I'm concerned is an existence beyond reason. Or whatever. Now I really have to pry myself off of this. ... But - I'm still not done! But - I'm getting there.
Its sortof written there. In the first paragraph already. What it wouldn't speak of is the presence of this violence - and this violence, that is really the bit that drives me crazy. There cannot be a point to it. Its always going to be "off" in some sense. Or its always going to be missing. A dillemma. Well, ... as far as I'm concerned am I sortof here to prepare you what to expect ... and that I concluded before I mentioned pedophilia the first time. I was practically told that it is a problematic topic because ... if practicing pedophilia were an Illuminati thing ... well, you might be clearly repelled by it. And I think there is no such thing as an easy way of putting it. Same goes for rape and snuff. And hence I'm looking forward to live up to what I am. I'm not a Sex-Slave for a symbolic reason. I wouldn't submit to it just to proove a point - I would rather not do it if that were why I should. So I'm also a child-slave, in which sense I would kindof proove that point, but thats a different thing. It goes hand in hand.
I'm a rape slave, and at this point I believe that its all going to be about 'actually' showing what rape implies. How far it can go. What I can tell at the end of it is that my life is suffering - and embracing rape redeems me. There has to be a point to that. It may seem totally unreasonable - and the only sane answer is that its a thing because people are enjoying it - on both sides. While I can't have it I'm craving it - once I feel I got too much of it, more of it is the only thing that'll make me feel better. That is the very gist of it. How my clarity functions - how it routes my mind. This doesn't mean that there is no "downside" to it - but what would I know about ... an alternative to getting raped? Well yea, ... 'nothing' ... other than that I'm not really into it. Except for those few things that I wouldn't really mind as those would somehow satisfy various other parts of me, that I'm really digging - but - not ultimately as an alternative to rape in general. I don't know. I'm possibly stupid - but ... I felt like I had to clarify a few things, most importantly that rape is what I want to get - what I understand by that - also in context to various things I mentioned other times that might still be questionable - and no, I can't ... ultimately say that I wouldn't like those things. As said - it depends. I can't however really understand how me getting mutilated would fit into any flow, it seems kindof far fetched - yet ... as I'm really trying hard to get to an end - I'm stuck at this point. Is it this or that? And giving it some time on my mind, digesting the 'non violent' answer, well ... I figure ... nope! Thats not what it is! Its violent! And this is one of those moments. As I start to embrace this conclusion - I know that I want it. I start craving for it. I want it to be brutal. I want to be fucked up hard. This didn't happen as I thought of it the other way. And as I star craving for it - relating to my clarity - I ... I have a perspective - and its ... everything I want. Firstly so along the lines of: There is no bullshit line we mustn't cross - and thats less about the 'most brutal' thing that might happen - but about everything up to that point ... and further - if the premise wouldn't imply that there is no further.
Thats what gets me wet. Thats the essence of self-depravation. Looking forward to getting fucked up for good. And this ... basically ... wraps it up. Thanks for reading and 'good night' (seriously!)!
singing: "Yay - I'm going to get slaughtered!"
CNS.2017.07.08|14:10