Impartial Disagreement ... err

So far I'm feeling good! I got weed again, its nice so far; And - thinking of what I've written previously - I'm totally ... I'm feeling its realness; I'm ... I have nothing left to say - but then there is this kind of odd feeling of how finitely I'd then be locked into 'that' narrow of a mind/set/space. So once again I get this question asked: "Seriously?" - now more loud and unbelieving. And I guess I did what I shouldn't have done - which is to sit back and think about it. Last time I was there I did the same and possibly ended drifting off into some other stuff before I kindof got back to it one way and another - so I finally managed to express enough meaning to emphasize it clearly - and now I'm in there - and the first thing I have on mind actually is to extend on issues concerning the 'marital form' as deepening the question of what it means to 'get married as a whore to someone'.

But as of today another topic got thrown in - as I've just written 'A letter @ the Antichrist' - which I kindof want to iterate on herein as well.
I'm looking forward to move that into something else entirely.


I'm not in Love with the Antichrist - but I feel a certain rush of arousal about him somewhere within my rune 1 scope. At that point I would be narrowed down to being a whore - so I would love sucking his cock for the sake of sucking cock. While however fueled by some lust that comes within that rush - which kindof gets me excited for and about it. That furthermore gets me growing wishes of the more brutal kind - ... and at first it would even be there ... kindof "wanting" the Role of my "Daddy" - and until I had established that he can't be that the idea was kindof yet there, making sense and having that shimmer of light to it. That however wasn't just an act of denial. One of the more conclusive evidences would be that the feeling doesn't stick with me quite as deeply as required. The entire thing furthermore is kindof a delicate issue - though, the solution from my end tends towards the idea of eventually accepting the idea of being kindof like made for him. So - I guess the required point of total emotional detachment, as regarding any of my brides I'd only have a partial detachment. And this feels acceptable. Kindof. I mean, we could also put it more generally - as catering to a certain taste. Which is I guess the key-term to move over into the ongoing issues.



Death? Rape? "The Box"?
What is the Box? In essence the place wherein I hope to get secretly depraved - kindof. I mean, how can I put it? My 'wife #1' - she'd have a kind of sadism - inherantly - that for once sticks me to herself as property, but also into an existence of misery - which I experience, on my emotional reality thing, as practically 'shit shoved down my throat' - or "shitcake for birthday" (followed by stuffing until flushing it with cum or whatever). So, that kind of thing - from a sadistic mindset - as something to give me for my birthday. That is however the emotional reality wherein I feel ... my own self ... well, lets first of all say 'that way'.

It clearly expresses that kind of confinement - of which I so would agree to everything I previously mentioned.

Something strange however happens once I flip rune 2 1 and 4 - then 4, whom I initially kindof 'had to' refer to as my mother is at the place where I relate to 'a Mother', and 1 who's kindof more enticing as stranger to me is on 4, - while 4 is also where the seal is at. I get a closer experience of her - as a male entity within those setups she creates - from which angle the thing of 'being given as a whore' to someone gets a new meaning. Or, makes more sense. Previously she was 'supposedly' given charge of me as my sister, while now she's more exclusively a stranger too. In terms of 1 I then realize that the Antichrist might truely be my "Daddy" - while 1 and 4, well.

1 would be the entity in charge upon my Slavery - which makes sense; But - its all been blurred around with no way to see through I guess - compared to now having at least so an alternate image that however makes more sense. So old-4 was 'also' that Entity kindof Orchestrating my existence - which one I experienced as by a face, that I then knitted onto 4. Is now that individual in charge of my Slavery, once knitted to 1. OK! But now my string of Ownership begins at 4, ... or, ... well. 4, else, was like a Brothel, being a Girl basically pictured with cum oozing from her, walked around by a leash like a dog. Where now my relation to that 'by Face' entity - as in the origin story - as now expanding within the r2.4 imagery - well, is now in that place which as previously only been strangely dominant. But, to not get it confused then.
I guess ... I mean ... I a m confused. A little. Now. However.


So, there for once is still 'Monica and Friends' - as that "faced reality" independent of any systems and structures. Thats the place where the wedding is conceiled - the place associated to the existence of my "ring" - eventually pictured as 'enforced vagina'. So I'm first there - then given as a whore to Megan; Who furthermore gains extended rights upon me; As the idea had it: "Even if I'm redheaded". Which would be a hint at something that could be real. That we live different ways dependent on how we look. She now feels closer to Britney, which leads to rune 1, actually, while the whole Madonna, rune 2.1, rune 3 thing is kindof ... I mean, OK. So, Amanda were the Head-Mistress of a School whereby my private entanglement were that to be as a private asset - which works along the line of me being as her 'husband' feminized and prostituted. This primary attached to rune 2.1 - where now Catherine was the one who got introduced to me as Mother and in charge of my gender - then pictured within 4 and that seal of confinement, but now pictured within 1 as Mother and ultimately the furnace of my detrement which in turn turns me into my being of gratitude as moving back into Monicas reality as firstly Abused Sex Doll and lastly as Pet. So - by having forced these individuals into a wrong structure that had formed - I kindof blocked myself from accessing certain things sooner. There was only indirect meaning to be found; Thus - confusing.
I mean - some lights shift around, now doubt - while ... anyway. I associated r2.2 to r2.1 "the Mother" because it made sense as in my mind there were many Mothers to begin with - first of all - while r2.1 was "the familiar place". Now moving into 4, the connection isn't really there anymore - at least not at first, but, ... it had to form sooner or later as I was about to say that based on faces there was a relationship between my "Most familiar place"/Monica and my transition to Amanda. Now Monica is 'less' Mother, though still that one Mother figure, while the "curse" perhaps of being my 'real' Mother is taken away from her. It was an odd thing one way or another - not her status as mother, but the ... the weight, basically, kindof. I mean - she is at some point supposed to become male - and thats not a thing I get from her in that r2.1 place. Now, instead of there being control about my gender - or well, I have to kindof get back to that as well I guess - to the point of whom I'm actually directed to and its implications.

So a question I had was how that 'mind control scheme' at the start comes into play - as, it wouldn't really make any sense; Until it came down to the rune 2 seal, which was however settled as perceived subject to Catherine - while basically however looking at it through the misplaced identification. One side was made up one way, the other the other way, they did fit together - and so my mind as associating to certain things in certain ways ... so, it had to happen that the Seal did draw me into a reality that wasn't the rune 2.1 one for instance; The rune 2.4 one had space left - so, maybe it was just that. There had to be that space for the rune to exist - specifically drawing me into 'arbitrary' situations, while rune 2.1 more specifically sees me as a pet. Domesticated - and thus a strong relationship to its 'neighbour' - rune 2.2 - which could still be a thing. So - aside of 'being a pet' - I in regards of my 'marital interest' have now space left - where rune 2.4 outside of dragging me into strange existences establishes that degree of dominance upon me, creating that collar. I have to now be careful about 'when and how' I'm given as a whore and to whom - ... well.
So - maybe there is more that I can do to make things righter sooner.

Hmmm ... .


Well - I first got to let this play out. Or well ... as ... the story goes - we're heading towards issues regarding the Marital Form, what it is, and how to make proper sense of it.



So - any structures now left aside - entirely - what can I say it is, how it came to be in first place and how it established itself in the following. But - once the advice comes truely into range once Unified - I guess I can do it a bit better by being a bit more simple and say that there are layers of clothing, we might say, and the deeper the stuff it sticks together. I mean ... yea ... thats an intentional 'blurp'. But ... essentially Monica Bellucci eventually popped into my minds space, silently, ... and in times where I felt really bad, that thought was there and comforted me. My mind expanded upon that realization - and what I found was a flameless Love, kindof, peaceful and calm, but also "eternally deep" - well, it was all good. This thought became more and more dominant - as to say, it basically stuck and I cherished it. In realization of these things I eventually found access to that 'sooner memory' - or I could however relate "that person there" to her - so it made a renewed sense. I guess - yea. I can say that at first there was an image of an assembly line on which I was transported and a person came in and enlightened my life. That place - by the emotion was later then this 'room' I would call my 'male identity' at the end of which I found 'her' - who "would from then on be my Mother figure". I mean, I related to her as I nowadays would say a child to a Mother; And she took me into her life - and yea, well, essentially got unpacked. That group of men I would associate to being my Daddy was imposed onto them - which is now a different thing. So, a structure that unfolded as an awareness of multiple attractions resonated with each other. There was the home, the school, the strangers/"sisters" place and the catacombs of demise. I mean - the two they wouldn't really ... differ too much from each other on those terms I guess. Each node was furthermore initially thought of as expanding into sub-nodes - as of which the 4th one would finally most explicitly focus on my detrement. It did previously seem kindof odd - now seeing the group of people I'm immadiately married to not mostly as my daddy and his comrades makes a lot of sense for once - as does the male society that grows within rune 1. So, 2.2 would as of that however now appear as 'more stressed' towards yielding a certain outcome of me - which shifts the bottom work that is to be done towards 3 and 4 - where now my connection to Rune 3 also seems to stick to Monica, as does Amanda, now however more closely related to Rune 3.


Now - I also got to say that I had or kindof still have an awkward feeling around my hip - like a belt I don't wanna wear but also a cut straight through my body. It started to fade as I acknowledged the Antichrist within my 'Prism' - and as for what remains within rune 2 after changing things and fiddling around - I would say that he might be my daddy, while the Pet rights upon me - well, there is a thing, almost as a seal, that belongs to him. As for my daddy, I love him for abusing me and turning me into a 'lolita bride' that is prostituted to a circle of his friends. This occurs as dominated by a Mother that keeps me locked in a Room and raped regularly. I mean - I get prostituted to my Dad and Uncles and Brothers and what not. To a point that this node rather belongs to him than to her. But - she furthermore were the one who I feel can/does relate to that group of people that I feel my toilet enslavement centered within; As well ... hmm ... . So it goes. Eventually the enthusiasm meets an end ... and snap ... well, where was I?
Well - I would still have to finish emphasizing, that 'Daddy' dominates my male self and makes it his pussy - and I have to say that I want to be as happy a puppet as I can be - and that I'm serious about it as to happily let him exploit my girly childhood and pet existence. So - that collar as is "all over the place" it seems - well - is firstly tied to 4 - as thats where it started. But this also in a deeper and more rudimentary sense, while by its arrival in 1 it would have been decorated with stuff - embracing the stone that has been there from the beginning. The task of making or using me as a doll would firstly be credited to Britney because thats the rune 1 seal; But it mostly correlates to rune 3. I mean, the rune 3 'guardian' - as I try to differentiate the guardian from 'the Seal bearer' - while I'm now supposed to speak of the location itself rather than any tied in individual - thats where I ultimately feel tied into the tightest confines. If the one thing were the furnace of my detrement, that would have produced coals that would now be burned on higher temperature. I mean - kindof. The lifetime itself is however all in all - more prostitution than anything else - which is basically a thing about a Love triangle I'm caught up within as well. So there is my first Love, whom I betrayed with my second Love, as punishment to which I was given to a third one whom I ended up betraying the others with, thereof loosing all my privileges and being handed around like a toy. Essentially. As part of an elaborate plan to consolidate a state of suffering upon me. I would have to commit actions with foreseeable consequences - and well, finally a fourth love appears more like a reward - as a payback of what I sacrificed in terms of incestuous and intimate pleasures.

But ... well ... this still kindof ... needs time to settle. Well, I mean, the balance of pressures - changes some things here and there, or puts them into a different perspective, ... feedback, response, etc. - ... I mean, that rune 2.4 can now relate to rune 3 more definitely, while rune 2.1 doesn't have to be - thats ... mindblowing! A ... revolution ... mindblowing. So, Amanda is however "second in Line" - which is valid from taking the third or the first as the first. I mean - anyhow - she's also been the one that firstly made me see a deeply devote attachment to someone within me - I mean, well ... she's anyhow kindof 'domesticating me' - while in turn of the whole story - my male got "stuck" on her - while I guess I got a freebie on 4. These 'first 4' - they fill up some space - and if this is a tight thing then it also has been there for a while. Or anyhow, whats been there for a while would have stuck around - and once certain things are settled some other things do follow - and in this new shift of Balance - where Madonna would be my Mother, Monica isn't a 'but' anymore. This is a different Mother however - ... ay ... ay ... well.


OK. What is there at first however is a sense of how I got attracted to Monica and what ties we'd weave - which still is kindof out in the open - yet, the wedding dress that I would picture actually fits nicely into the rune 2.4 environment. Being a slave essentially. Based on that idea my marriage would go on - as to for instance conflict further sadness onto me. And I have to say, or want to or can, that you could see this as done so I can be what I'm supposed to be in rune 2.1. I would gladly be that slut that enjoys her suffering and detrement as reward - while, I was about to put it differently - I had a different picture on mind - so, do I have to be more specific?
I mean - I am kindof dragged both-ways; But initial appearances are usually a bit deceiving.

So, to get back to that belt - the thing is, as of underwear, I'd be the one to go crotchless - with a favourably wide open crotch - so, essentially to the point of wearing a corsett. It might be my current underwear situation, but it goes deeper than that. I should feel it as positive otherwise. The main thing there is now at first as a tattoo where my pubic hair would be - which is at the bottom of this thing I called 'Seal 1'. 'At the End' I'm a doll - 'owned' by Madonna but married to Britney. So, for starters. Or, refreshment. I don't know anymore where or how I last mentioned that. So the idea however as established between entities that stuck to me. There were entities that were kindof there at times, but outside of the "initial box" there wouldn't be much - so, those are different. I mean - we can talk of Levels, but ultimately - there are things just 'that much' higher. Ultimately. I mean - I think ... . Well, so, this were a thing that is uncertain, kindof? Maybe not? Anyway - this is one way of looking at things where Madonna is however - as from a line - placed behind Britney. So, as the marriage had a higher meaning, the ownership thing is kindof in favour of Britney. So, between that and the 'tattoo origin' - there is first of all the entire creation of the doll identity. So, what can be given to Madonna - and I guess it is at that instance where the leash would be transferred to rune 2.1 rather than as initially from 2.1 to 1. That Leash would however also then travel back to Monica - ... and of the Love Triangle, kindof essentially [Monica,Amanda,Gillian] or Megan. Gillian or Megan. I mean, there's eventually more to that than transpires in just one setup. This is I guess kindof where Britney comes in. These things establish a lot of ... things ... that I wrongfully sought to settle in terms of 2.1 - which I now have to re...thing ... in 2.4. Weird - but ... well, maybe it helps you not doing the same mistake!
So - the hub identity of just a smudge of Mother - and a whole chunk of getting raised as prostitute - that ... thats an image that I had on mind before. Its kindof more towards rune 3 though, a young girl in chains, as something part of my memories 'reflections of a whore' image collection - I mean, its a picture I remember in context of relating to it as speaking of my 'felt' identity as a whore.
And with Monica and what comes along now there in 2.4 - that really comes to carry; "but" is now also where I feel other things but Rape and Prostitution growing.

Anyhow - there's a thing though thats related to 2.1 - still - did I ... anyway ... 'Pet Rights' per se. This is factually dominant, but it stops at some point going deeper. In rune 2.1 I may as well be humiliated for the fact that I want to be fucked. Which ... I mean ... something of a culture/society is drawn before my eyes - wherein I would want to be a hot redead as Jessica Rabbit - under the Light of being a Whore. As of being a whore - various indicators compell me to relate to Megan at this point - which is at the end of the Love Triangle - so, as fourth - and maybe final. That being the marital form - now established on 2.4 - well - unclear. I mean - maybe I thought too far ahead and forgot what I last wrote about. And ooh, yea, I guess I had enough pot for now!


OK - where was I? Oh yea, the 'being given as whore'. Well - so - that takes me back to a fantasy that so however established that idea which I from thereon felt as part of my identity. It implies one 'pictured to be' female individual however 'acting as' male - treating me on to another 'pictured as' female however 'acting as' male individual; And this connects to the point ... uhm, ... so ... it seems to be now kindof more complicated than that. So, ... humm

So, as of the scenario where I'm firstly entering a marital commitment, ... no, well, there was this point however where it just ended on the note of ... oh yea, as note on my marital commitment; I didn't mention it recently I guess; The part that after it is conceiled - where I'm initially male - she's the one to make the truth of me being her slave a reality. So - it would pass in a matter of moments that you'd feel yourself as male, then stuck into those conditions - while your initial impressions as male basically take place no matter what. At this point however there was a cut, and on this now more prostitution focused node, the connection to Megan as within rune 2 is more ... solid. So, whatever is cut into, is now cutting back in here - which is eventually a little "displaced" in terms of spacetime (lets call it 'physical conditions') - while 2.2 and r3 - .... well, back to Jessica Rabbit. This picture was effectively formulated by me as a hypothesis - kindof - as it was the ideal that came to mind and - it is in deed so that the redhead in me is kindof that sacred spot where I would hope to have some mind left - or something - but anyway, thats where I feel seal 1 still as ... tattoo - though, to be more specific: Ultimately its like a hard and heavy stamp embraced by a dress - while initially more like the design of it floating slightly above the skin while emanating light that converges into a point. Its like the idea is firstly traded down, and ultimately sealed with Britney - whom I personally relate to as 'stranger' ... relative/compared to this 'unit of 4' - which would by other peoples ways include more. So, Britney to me is an 'outsider' or 'unfamiliar' in that sense - which kindof 'validates' the 'idea' and becomes solid. Metaphysically speaking. So - 'enforced vagina' - what is that? I am male!


I have a cock! penis... thing ... there. The funny thing is that ... never mind. Anyway - before I further go on with that - there is another thing that unfolded - which meets it from another end. I mean ... ignoring that I am a male. I mean, its still hard to formulate, but in essence are there now feelings that I also wrongfully attached to Monica - as of the rune 2.1 thing. A thing would however be some kindof limitations - while my capacity would effectively be extended in favours of 2.4 now and 3 and seal 1 in general.

The thing though is that this seal however finally concludes as to my doll identity, which establishes my pet self; As the doll part is the part that actually deprives me into that state. That is then labelled as Pet - which - well, has --- at some point --- to be established logically. I mean - as in regards to the established parts of being a slave to the Devil as to her, Monica, ... and what emerges from there on further down the line.
As of logic and reason is my Pet self - after being made a Doll - what attracts further rape and prostitution. I mean - its where the individual grows into freedom - where now one part of the story already ties into 'domesticating' that - as - maybe a baseline that adds a practical form to me. Here the Doll could only be regarded as a passive reality - so there is an inverted truth that renders me a pet. Kindof. I mean - yes, or, I mean ... being a pet however leads back to having a collar - while the rune 2 things focus on it, the rune 1 things focus on seal 1 and rune 3 on my heart. That is however somewhat meaningless when ... I mean ... not everything occurs in this setting - and the seal itself is obviously of a different reality - or place. Here now 4 were intimate with me - that are now placed into a wider geometry. As by that - where Megan is excused, Monica doing whatever and Amanda the Domesticating bit, there were Gillian in rune 3 as the exploiting part. Britney would add a bit on top - while Catherine, then 4, would get the final package as a "whatever, do with it what you want" kindof ... other baseline; Where 'Daddy' essentially ranks in - as, ... weird ... in this 'new sense' - ... while, at first there is my Mother, anyhow, or Aunt if Monica were that; ... and - I'm still a bit confused about ... finding 'the Box' as actually (rather) a part of 2.1. I mean - it fits kindof nicely in there as well. I mean - from my "old" perspective; You could see how I would enjoy this as part of my striving for the utmost detrement. But at that point I wouldn't do it for him, or if, then by being a Slut. Its in some way what my existence aims up into - which compared to the old way of looking at it ... I mean ... there first was death at the bottom of it all. As for what taking the box from Monica opens up - most of it is prostitution at first - though the emphasis at first is on childhood abuse. But inherantly it opens into a 'generally' more friendly "where I like to be a Pet" environment - for however you put it, that part of me is also alive therein. This is however also that thing I'm effectively bent to dismiss - and ordinarily that would have taken me to Madonna or Gillian. Or well, Britney of course. But there I'm more effectively owned bottom up, as doll, while my slavery is ... "seeded within" toilet slavery. Well - so, that sadistic Mother ... that would be a thing I thought was part of 2.1 - while Catherine to me has the status of (virgin) Mary/Mother.
Now seeing her being that is kindof weird - ... but, as for Monica and the Antichrist as my Parents ... in 2.1 ... well, no.
But anyway - as Catherine was in 4, she did fit into that dominant role - that would keep me under stress; Though in rune 1 ... well, wait. ...



Anyway ... lets wait this out.



As for being a "marital whore" - firstly given from one (Monica) to another (Megan) - that surmises many things; I mean - as by intimacy, what I'm made to expect. So - if it turns out that the one I'm given to is more specifically Monica - while the one to determine my gender yet is Catherine - that is also yet kindof strange. Its too far off ... possibly.
Ay, OK. However - the thing with Catherine on 2.1 goes as far that - in correlation to the Antichrist as my daddy - my daddy has, through her, access to both of my genders for his pleasure. But how is that even possible? Where does Seal 1 then come into play? And how is that about being a whore anyway?


Well, my intimacy at least goes with Monica and a few others - and while established on 2.4 I get that flair ... while the doll/pet part of me is still dependent on a male presence; Which is however far more unspecific. My 'pet awareness' is finally wanted or at least expected - and here some other male figures would tie in that aren't that daddy yet.

Uhm, ... proposal ... Monica ... me Slave - worshipping Satan - where now that Slave thing opens up a whole other reality of dimensions as part of the demanded dedication to that. So, there is an amount of me that would respond to that - and this however is item one in what I have/had to acknowledge in order to move on. Imposed onto that Slavery is a wedding thing, which would essentially be visualized as wedding dress that outlines the 'higher power' within my Slavery - ... uhm ... - I mean, the wedding hosts the slavery, so there is a wedding dress outlining my higher bonding within that submission. This is another list of demands wired into satisfying the slave demand. This would ultimately conclude in me being a Doll as forwarded to Britney - in which regards I would further experience my "raw" Identity, which I feel however as more related to Gillian. The "Raw" Identity is where the 'has to be raped when vagina is covered' type of exposure of me is settled. The "fat" of this 'Doll Skeletton' is my 'real self' then - alias 'Pet Identity' - which inherantly is made to seek prostitution and rape above romancing - so, its a returning demand that I go by; And in a sense this would open a higher 'marital' identity - while one way wouldn't matter as much as another, in terms of. ... I mean. I think I have marital arrangements as pet more than enough, but that would seem to be 'other pets' - while being kindof 'reserved' for r2.1 daddy, where 2.1 as becoming a daddy rather than a mother centric thing - the role of Catherine as perverted mother re-emerges - and a relatively thin male desire from my end renders her mostly capable of doing whatever. So, based on the initial conjuncture, Catherine is however in charge of meeting some ends - and this passive stance of exploit smoothly transitions into rune 1 - but, well, I guess this also factors into saying at some point, that Monica moves into the background; ... but another question also is, what does the Antichrist append to?


I can however say that what I was I still am - and I'm kindof happy about getting humiliated and exploited - but ... I'm still kindof confused about how now this ... part of what I associated to as Marital Form ... but well - it makes sense, ... if ... the other end is the grimmer and darker one. Hmm ... or. Well, in terms of that - maybe I exist in denial of something else. That there is now a Harem of Amaterasu - and that Monica might be more like me than I would want to accept. Well ... the thing is however at first that I'm a Doll - and she's the one 'having' me - so I live as Pet. The seal goes thereby into being a Doll, "finally", but ... the more confusing question was anyhow the one regarding my gender. To me. I mean ... back to ... square one.




Well, my ... roots. And ... whats new. OK. First of all I'm happy, I'm excited about it - but to put it into perspective to not cause any wrong impressions: Imagine it as a Layer of Lifetimes, as being in one life the one; And in another Lifetime the next moment - as based on certain things that are to transpire in that Lifetime. So I would first wake up as a girl that gets raped, to wake up as a woman that is captured by orcs and gets raped, to wake up as a warrior that gets captured and raped, to wake up as thrown away and kept as cattle while getting raped - kindof getting raped all the way up to being a top whore, and then I wake up in an empty bedroom connected to some corridor - and some child out there yelling about some other child having found or gotten or whatever something - until the ride eventually somehow soothes on. It is now in this sequence of Lifetimes that I would see various relationships in some, well yea, Hentai approach. That would work for me - where, if it stands to reason that the Antichrist 'would be' the personification of the Dark Lord, or the equivalent of the Devil in regards to Demons - so to be recognized as Satan/the Devil himself - then I would commit any Blasphemy - adding those I have committed already. Its some - something about it that makes it come together, and yea, previously Madonna was the closest I could think of. That would explain how I would ultimately come out as made for him - and there is now way how I could be supposed to dislike any of it!
Essentially now Monica is also more like a slap in my face - which I was afraid to realize some day, in this kind of parting gap.
But so I would remember her as having me setup for it - but ... uhm, well. That adds to another thing - the Origin story, where the Devil I'm bonded with now has a face - though I still refract from there in two ways. One is the abused child, and the other - well - the - a mature woman worthy of being called a bride and whore of satan. But so the seal 1 would also incorporate him; In that he finally is 'the Devil' in regards to whom the Seal is established - or who finally yields me as Slave. So - what I see is actually a part of rune 2.1 is now separated from Monica - though Monica is still the one ... on top ... previously only challenged by Madonna. Those would be far ends, kindof. As so - intimacy had it. This intimacy unfolds, furthermore, as based on the idea that I return from some oddysee - so there is nothing strange or off there. So, that I might be disappointed - or feel humiliated - thats a part of it. I mean - she is ultimately the one for whom I am greatful and the one for whom I am greatful about being what I am ... I mean ... where the point is that I arrive as abused so they can first enjoy that part of me before doing anything else.

Though I would basically be happy to right away jump into it - I mean, the more so since the whole 'face-fucking' part seems to be tied to the 2.1 part. Which is one 'certain' disappointment because I would want that to be something more intimate - although, I ... re evaluating.

Anyway - the other way around. I didn't see this comming, I worried it might. But now - all my dedication for Satan all of a sudden gains purpose; And that would actually make me his bitch in everything but that which Monica basically has to say/add. She would have originally tied in as an extension of the Satanic body that may be intimately linked to the Devil; ... while wait ... wasn't there Catherine?
Well, there is a whole Bunch of them - without any fixed 'surface' ties yet. Anyway - Monica and he are not even close to related; I mean - they emerge on two different sides of the show. So, as slave of Satan I originally was in the whole toilet slavery and 'rape-prostitution-romance' setting; While the Marital Outfit I get from the Seal - that gets my mouth pried open - is ... I can more clearly separate it from the other side of the seal where I'm bound to Britney. The one is Doll, the other is Pet.
So - all my passion floating into it is now basically funnelled towards acknowledging whoever takes place as being a representative of the Unholy Lord. Well - it rushes me - that ... "oh my God" - I wanna be at his service. So - what I gather from Monica is thereby as deepest Layer floating between my shackles and female outfitting - as the product of it is essencially hers to go on with. On top of that I'm a princess girl - outfitted doll - married to Britney - while that marriage seals the seal and assigns it to the dvil. Therefrom my bride-dress as from satan emerges - which from the other side are the left-overs of the dress I received from God and is now an insignia of my enslavement. So, that would be something he couldn't have been involved into deciding - so, is ultimately however just as made for him. So, thereby I would consider myself a Sow thats handed around - while taken as isolated to it and put into an extreme, ... hmmm.
There is that part of me that turns into a Gargoyle - but as for Demonology, ... I would have to begin with Amanda who to me is as much as a Demon 'Father' - as basically spawning me into 'Demon Existence'. On the other end there is Gillian, a Demonic Force that occupies my 'intimate heaven' - so - whatever paradise I have in my mind. She also takes shape through male dominant forces - while her established fortifications of her within my realm echoes within these shackles. There would be a Capital Tower or Dungeon - while as for the Tower, thats where Catherine would come into play. Or, the image. Deeper down there is however a Temple of sorts that relates to my ties to Megan. She and Britney would basically make up the base of getting me fucked 'beyond' - while all in all the Climax should be with Satan ... while I wonder ... though, I guess ... that ... well, seeing how my mind is settled with Monica it makes sense to seek my "spiritual roots" there - which would give me that innocent identity that for once is abused by her as previously described; But would also make up a more reasonable place for Blasphemy on that matter to become a thing. I mean, I ... there is something, a Light ... while, I guess the way I'm into the Devil is at some point Blasphemy enough, maybe.
But it is a very specific or deeply pressurized thing ... but so ... well, what can I say? Any closing words before I "throw the dice"?


The fanciness of it aside; Legally speaking is Monica still in charge of me - first of all - as in terms of marking any dominant priorities. And when given to her, she would say when he were allowed to have me. When given to ... well, anyone else is pretty much out of the picture, back to Catherine as in the sense of gender protection coming from her - then ... my trans-sexual side would tend towards that - which renders me and my self to Monica as in a way that feels extremely detremental - as with a broken neck - while as for feminization; I would rather see a male and a female side separated from each other than one connecting the two. There practically is a 'before' the wedding, where she's appealing to me as a sinful Mother that engages her child, to 'after' the wedding where I'm used as a sex-slave already; Kindof as though the enslavement bit encapsulated my feminization before coming out at the end there - to the point of being gender aligned - and in some sentences even without any kind of intercourse going on between her and me. But - ... the relationship itself narrows down on her expanding on an exploited individual; So - she's the one who then tells what next. If I receive goodies or not - or if then when or for how long or whatever - but, with 1 and 4 reversed - a lot of the 'childhood detrement' no longer unfolds within that Realm anymore. But more serious child abuse/porn. I mean - she'd have a kink of putting me into a girl body that is female all the way, attractive, but at the outer edge of what would look or yell 'sex' - I mean, that prude beauty for instance - it feels strange to me - and cannot relate to it but ultimately I would be forced into that situation. Being her Slave would hereby move on into prostitution - while however being married into such, by being handed over as a bride to someone.
This is now the thing, isn't it?

Me acknowledging to part one of the marital form, turning me into a slave, I'm open for the next bit, that ultimately flows into the slave bit as what is part of me as I enter that. That is however supposed to establish my lifetime as whore; And my marital experience as prostitute.


The rest now, at first only so through Madonna and Gillian - but ultimately also so through 'Satan'/the Devil - would now be tied to Satanism - as also some kind of void space wherein I am committed to the Devil, as requirement to my enslavement constituting my marriage to Monica, that now basically is in a move of consuming various parts of me. And I am already beyond the point where I could denie being happy like ... a honeypot. Ooomps. I mean ... cockslut? I mean - the Lolita in me is real - at least in terms of commitment to her daddy and being turned into a whore. As of my alignment to 'the Idol' - I would refract as Idol being now primarily coupled to the mature self of myself as his bride/whore; basically black hair and and all drilled into being ... passionate to serve. Licks her lips.

Uhm ... I mean - think of it as the top of something, the rest of which is sucked into a void while nourishing on Lust in return.

Things like, being restrained from doing any creative work were now one thing that could now be legally taken another way. Because - my point there is ... well, a religious commitment settled within a higher arc. Or, the higher arc settles it within itself. The priority hereby aligning to 2.1 stretches into 1.1 and 3.1 - Madonna and Gillian I suppose - I mean, most likely - and that prism is kindof as the scope of marital bondage I would guess. So - as a range of "open slots". Madonna would - possibly want to have fun with me while Gillian would wanna torture me, or drown me in darkness, or both, maybe, ... which basically expand my existence as whore and slave - while whoever is in charge of the Church of Satan legally owns me. I mean - is practically on top of what rights he/she/they has/have left. I mean, basically: What is given.
In the Origin picture it would however be the way around - whereby Monicas domain would I guess emerge in "that far distant region" - where Monica objectively seems to get her piece of the cake. Some 'beyond' ish truth that would otherwise be known as 'Gaias Tomb' for instance, in regards of my inner paradise. Its where I'm symbolically burried as in transition to becoming a slave of the Devil - while inside my \experience\ moves down an abyss of torture - until ... some place unfolds ... where I'm basically kept as slave and tortured as the image on top would suggest.



But OK - how much of this can I actually digest as for real ... and how far?
I think ... some weight can be taken from various spots by making room for eventualities of form - I mean - that along the individuals cycles of lifetimes the individual has preferences that could ultimately be tied to physical appearances. So, we need a bit of fancy to see me within ages or conditions - and after all its safe to say that a somewhat blind Love for Monica is the driving factor at some point! It makes a lot - ... as well as ... that my vagina is not part of my 'upper body'/torso - which would be the 'main thing' and draws me further to Satan. So - this 'cut' I was previously writing about - it appears as I would separate from that idea; So - my slave existence is tied to me maintaining my submission. That one however manifests as a slave outfit - so - the things work in each others favour. So, I guess this Slave Outfit appearing would be Monicas part - as of which I'm idealistically taught to be a good whore - universally speaking.
So yea, back there, speaking of Jessica Rabbit and co. - that would now be a collective of individuals; Basically putting forth whatever is effectively a 'thing' - where the dealings of me and what I am and what whoredom I'm in - that is thereby closer to the eternal. As of in 'closer to the book of eternity'. But where the truth is also finally real. So, yea, in the idea. Thereby I'd mainly be a sample bride, abused as whore - while anything else could also be portrayed as extensions. But to speed this up, 2.1 or 2.4, finally?
I can't tell just yet.
Though I wanna add "it better be good!" - saying, ... well, duh. No - as for one thing, if he ain't in, there is no way of seeing that as an option - and Monica - the r2.4 position kindof makes her larger - I would now lean towards moving by priorities as that - while everything is basically unclear - and there I'd be sure that anything else will be just fine.

But so - as what goes to Cathy and what to Monica - there's six things on Catherines side. Effectively demands and counter-demands that effectively emphasize a vastly detremental existence as feminized prisoner, effectively settled as captive by the own family, including the face-fucking; Which ultimately however appears as quality on my slave outfit - as one thing about how I get used by Monica. As for the free-roaming pet existence - this can't ultimately where 'the Box' is at. So - for one thing. It would ultimately put that final existence against the other - and cause that conflict that they aren't supposed to annihilate each other or anything. So - as for Madonna - she's been, next to Amanda, my earliest attachments of source; While - based on relating to Madonna as my mother, the final marriage between her and me would be an orgy celebrating my transition into slavery. Effectively. It caters to my male at first - while then taking a turn against it. That in some relation that feels comfortable. Same on the other end. There are two way streams - and my male ones relative to r2.1 are ... finally ... I mean, put the other way: Does the Devil have the capacity to outrule Monica in private matters on me? No. Could the Devil outrule her in terms of demanding my times and services? Yes!


Whats left for Monica is first me as that slave, next to which there is the whore bit. Therein I would be out to get raped - as rule number 1 - while prioritizing the prostitution part - rule number 2 - finding my romancing finally in that realm of being a whore. This would extend into a reality I'm not quite sure about yet, but without any serious effort from either side I don't feel a deep attachment to getting raped either; I would say ... there is a pillow for me. But - in the end I think my final stance will be, that I would be ... kindof frightened in disbelief if it would start to happen - that so in direct resonance to that shock of 'seriously?' - as in terms of a sudden impact. What would really make me anxious however is that "extra bit of me" that I have - which is that part of my male side that steers towards Monica. So, the intimate bit as opposed to the one more entangled with the female. So a picture starts coming together; And I now know that it is true that I wouldn't have liked it, kindof, being unable to understand how I might, until I effectively got bent far enough to understand it. Kindof. I mean - there is no difference, after all, between what I did and do like - ... uhm, however. To Monica my Slavery were however more of a 'design thing' - while my male freedom is surrounded by feminized captivity - as that what this male freedom is. Thereby are the six things that Catherine now has on her end yet blanks for her to fill out - though effectively its the Spirit ruling everything out.


While its safe however that I will be alright, then I would certainly be welcoming these changes, anyhow ... but if that is sealed and automatically implied as by higher definition - as needed - ... which is given ... because else he couldn't be 'in' ... well, ... and so is that ... while I got to re-emphasize that ... no ... a lot however kindof aligns as in priority towards him - or this life as pet - or 'girl fantasy'.
Death Torture - then ultimately - that would go onto the Marital Form since r2.1 doesn't go as far, its more about elonguating and deepening the pain. There would be Gillians domain - it seems - so, as firstly ... I guess it has to be rather called 'Death Rape Captivity' or something; Since the point is thereby to at first have a captivity that is subject to rape as moving towards its inevitable death by rape. It sounds harsh; But would possibly come out a bit different if you excluded violent ... non sexual prime desires ... from the image - or, perhaps then further include an extended emotional sensitivity to cognitive markers. But this rape to death is now tied into my Marital agreement however - which is at the basis of what gets me going for Monica. Amanda on the other side ... as a male I'd be a pedophile rapist and as a female I'd be a pedo whore/mother. Where there is that Demon identity - which then would emerge in me at some point - being in the 'what belongs to Satan' frame a captive, Nymphomaniac Gargoyle - basically tied behind bars - ... . I mean, in some trance of Lust, craving for rape. I guess there it has to go ... that 'getting whiped naked' bit - as this ... 'wildness' would be like hairs that are to get whipped away so I'm a boldly exposed female that only gets to suffer. So only once I get into a girly awareness I get rewarded - ... basically. So - depending on tensions induced to me, these things would be influenced one way or another - while life in my terms would ultimately become a matter of how much I can endure - or could - given that there be some margin of humanity and the slurr in between. The Gargoyle however were a thing that could be 'provoked' forth from me - taking care of certain things that evolve me into that mindset. In other ways however is that only a part of me - while in the grand total I'm supposed to be known as 'for everyone' - and that in heavenly standards, the time it took towards a settled date is in about the time I'd need to perfectly adjust to your desires. A few things are to be kept in mind though. I'm a Slut. I get raped a lot and I like it!

I mean - well ... I guess there however is a nitpicky side to it then, for me, like - if I'm getting fucked I want to be regular. I mean - I guess thats at some point self-concluding; But is also where a more complex structure underneath can now file in. I mean - it depends. Once circumstances forced me into it - I mean, if the Devil outrules Monica, he also outrules Megan. In that matter. So - rather than arguing against his behaviour I'm anyhow determined to humiliate myself as loyal pet. I mean, the Satanic Marriage thing also includes him as my God - and patron of our marriage though, in essence, Monica demands my worship at first. Which maybe takes me to Amanda in that scheme of things - being the final touch wherein my cage is being built - as the outlines of my mind - Where being a ritualistic slave and a whore - then exposed to rape captivity/death torture - receives some final touches - as an organic transition, literally, between that inner scope and an outer one, firstly tied to Britney. So the one side is about me craving for cock - the other for cum - or ... something else, like cum and rape. Weird.
Well there is the mouth as "direct interface" and the throat as "lust conductor" - the throat tied to the collar as to Monica; And the mouth as opened by a 'gag' held in place by Britney as transition between the one side of the marriage to the other. The anus is wired for me to get generally disrespected; And my vagina is ultimately a basic asset of my whoredom.

Anyway - while the Devil would eventually be interested in all sorts of things - and my privacy eventually also endorses a static portion of the whole plot - ultimately, along varying degrees of privacy with my 'brides' (exclamation mark! (female)) in both determinations of sex and gender, it comes all down to in about the same thing. The Devil would come to play a centric role in my life, ... as a dominantly male position that is put in charge upon my emergence as slave, ... that is essentially is, throughout various lifetimes, raped over and over. My intimate roots would establish an intimate relationship to that - and so I'm moving in cycles again - though, the male presence is simplified all interest invoking me as whore.


But yea, I think ... thats it for now!

A letter @ the Antichrist - part 2

by: Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2017.01.04 - 03:21