Identity - and more

There are effectively a few ways to get there. So - how do we want it? Focussed on Unified individuals or as reflective unto those that aren't?


First things first: For the first thing/way - that isn't going to be much of an issue. Well - I myself don't know too much about it either - so, I'm going to learn as I'm going.

1. The Real Answer

'The Real Answer' is an answer I came up with a while ago; Being somehow riddled how come apparently nobody understood me - and I was trying to think about the realest possible way to say what I ... had to say. The answer is an epiphany, a review of the past and therefore technically biased; But without bias there is no 'dominant theory' and therefore no way to get anywhere.

The thing is this: When I get to talk or write about myself - there are these two spheres ... or faces ... that I have. I only have to subtract one from my whole and I get to the other. So ... whatever the case, for a while there was however only 'one' face. That to me is my blurry self prior to my baptism. So - neutrally I can model different bits and pieces of my past into this 'pre-baptistic' figure; And my 'go to' thing to write about were Video Games; Because Video Games were at that time what I had taken with me the most. In the end I came to the conclusion that my talents and skills are/were pretty much modelled to self-sufficiently float in my fantasy.
That is evident. Turtles and Batman inspired me to draw comics, growing older I had the ambition to write stories, Willow and Dragonball inspired me to the Legend of Cereylla, learning how to use Level Editors allowed me to craft worlds, learning QBasic allowed me to write Text-Adventures and Game Engines, being generally good at drawing allowed me to concept anything I want, which also includes my giftedness with Technology and inventing mechanisms that work.

From reflecting about how I personally 'grew' in relation to that throughout the time, I understood that this work is effectively consuming my time. Since 'what' I can do is manyfold - and as I grow older my visions grow larger (but I also forgot about a lot) - and within that God strengthened my ambition by sending miracolous bugs into my programs that prevented me from going any further, ... on the base that I had established.
All the things on my mind keep me busy; And from therein find my ideal environment to be rather lonely, to say 'isolated' or 'silent'. Yet isolation fits it the most since especially time-frames can stretch and shrink as I keep going. And that was one point that I kept coming to - that I can't work once I'm being constantly interrupted. (Or running out of dope).

With this settled - I have to wonder about 'the rest'. I find that I'm helplessly underdevelopped in a lot of ways. My structural understanding allows me to get along in life, but otherwise - I keep forgetting things; And this forgetfullness also becomes visible in how I live my life, manage my things, keep my room clean, take out my trash; While my attempts of self-improval seem to flourish. I mean - instead of cleaning up every now and again when I figured that everything is a mess, I thought of the Bible ... but that is another story. But particularly the one about the unclean spirits.
Anyhow - I certainly have to get to my sexuality 'things' as well. So, that I had fantasies and dreams about becoming a girl, that I had an active BDSM fetish and Gangbang fantasies before I discovered my sexuality. Those are the classics. I know one particular trans-woman who told me about her story and it also roots in her childhood. I carried these things along throughout my life, generally burried underneath all the rabble of my day to day lifetime; But ultimately visible when exposed to sexual impressions. So - I always leaned towards seeing myself as the woman in the porn I watched; And on that note I have to explicitly mention Angel of Darkness Episodes 3 and 4 (because those were the ones I had on VHS). But eventually I've seen episodes 1 and 2 at some point and there isn't a big difference. Perhaps the 'ending' of Episode 2 sticks out; So, the sex scenes, not the plot. And that woman in the red dress from Episode 3.

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Now, the real question could be: Is clarity 'work/profession' or what? Or well, what is clarity?
As Identity matters - there is first of all that 'Real Answer'. I guess general differences should already here draw certain boundaries. So, the individual itself, and that also relates to free will, is accounted for as the universally convergent 'now' of the corresponding Entity. So - when picturing the past as a timeline - the individual is convergent with the line itself at any point in time. So - we seamlessly transition from now to then, and we've been at each point in our past. It is the life within the static grid of the answer so far; And when we're thinking about the Entity itself then we want to remove all social reference frames that would somehow bias the true balance of the individual.

But - logically - that can only get as good as the individual itself isn't too biased. Conclusive to that the consumption of Porn was somehow nourishment to certain parts of myself, I so took repeated interest in understanding more about this phenomenon. Clearly I had/have corresponding fantasies; And I also do have corresponding experiences; So, understanding more about the one thing should also help understanding more about the other. That was what I was thinking - and eventually certain patterns however stood out. Individual appearances on the one side, and general figures on the other. Like, BDSM themed images and moves clearly are one of them; But that also in further detail.
Essentially these impressions have had to align somewhere close together - and the individual figures put into closer proximity yielded that their interaction provided a somewhat bigger impression; ... uhm ... :) - there is something deeper going on there. On the one hand side we have simple consequences - a chain of causality - and the individual now relates to that and compares it to itself. So - manyfoldedness is a topic of effective diffusion thats happening in those cases; But everyone is manyfold on some level. If however 90%~ish (wild grab) group up into a sexual identity, we get to a monochromatic "Top Level". Respectively is a lot more of the individuals mindset locked onto that.


To begin speaking of an individuals manyfoldedness more flawlessly, lets dissect this Level thing first.
To get to a Top Level, one has to have a Level of conscious mind wherein the all over personal balance 'dominates the big picture'. So, in my case, aligned onto a Grid of 3x3 fields, as constructed of Porn already draws a tight harmony that does leave almost nothing missing to a perfect balance. The fundamental cornerstones and pillars are all sexually streamlined identities - and this generally does, as the rest, finally invoke a ... OK, ... does it?
So - what happens is that this 'tight harmony', as I called it, happens on a Level of distribution of certain things; And naming it 'base level' has say that it is where the individual 'Levels out'. So we can speak of a 'Base manyfold' - and my BMedness is 1. So each field on the Grid belongs to the same "surface of thought". Perhaps a 3x3 base Level is the general case, but this is speaking of greater wholes that can be individually fractured. Thats now somewhat the point. Saying that the Base Level can be sorted away - what now branches off is a deeper manyfold - and here some things can branch off into other things - not the base itself however. That is one 'canonic whole' - and if we sort that away we're left with 'exotics'; And perhaps there also is always a contra-point. Then the contra-point is either consumed in the canon, or has an exotic aspect.
The two essential exotic streams that I have, well. There is "the cleric", then there is "the nerd" - which is however 'false' in the sense that I could leave it at that, but somethings wrong with that. Either I still have to add one thing, or I have to diversify nerd into two streams. The one is consuming art and the other is making art. But - I have to say that I'm not entirely clear about it yet!
Anyway - ultimately, after accounting for that, the Manyfold diversifies the initial frame of reference. We can call that the second Level of things. And so on.


So - as this is what comes along with 'the rest' - to my creative work - I'm basically locked into a general setup of preferences - which is what we can say is 'Identity', or more so as for just along the lines: Individuality.

I mean - lets call this for now:

2. The Unreal Answer

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There is also a Meta-Answer, as the rest to the rest; So - that when taking the real Answer, we can first talk of a geometry ... but whatever. I mean, what do we make of the Real Answer at first? In my case there is an introverted and an extroverted identity; And my introverted identity has so far been treated as 'rest' of some sort; Though - ... well. At all - it is part of the real Answer. But so - this totality gets drawn into different circumstances when applying a question. We first have a multi-segmented whole; Then we essentially applied our "Unreal Filter" to retreive the sense of an identity - and once subtracting that from the whole, what are we left with?

Taken to the same 'Level of correspondence', there are pleasures, joys, ... fascinations; Just the same - but they would look different. That also as basic consequence of how an efficient structural mind does the math. So, as things - no matter how inwardly diverse (well, give or take) - group up (thats the catch); There is a level of logic speaking of 'systems of a kind'. What I mean is that when speaking of the complexity of an individual, we may want to look at how many systems of a kind there are. Uhm ... things that group together lets say compose into one unit - as 1 total. There is one spectrum of things that we can label 'dynamic' - that means, the 'general idea' of what groups together at some point can change. We can compare that to the contemporary mood of an individual - though there is a factor of constancy over time thats either to say that the 'node is fixed to a totality' or to say that it is 'loose to develop into any shape whatsoever'. Fixed can still be dynamic, as static or 'absolute' can still be changing over time without loosing its status as such. Well, what am I talking about?


I guess I'm diving head before toe into figures that practically express an urge for generally understanding 'spiritual logic' - and the first example or figure I had that somehow leads towards it, is the idea of a manequin/doll, or rather an imaginary plasmoid shape resembling a humanoid 3-Dimensional silhouette; And when adding a point 'into' it - we can do a lot of fancy stuff with it. We can extend an anatomy into the figure, ... but we can also attach a second plasmoid, so that the 'one thing' can appear 'two ways'.

This is counter-ituitive to our 'absolutistic presence' - which does certainly take us to the place where our realtime mindset can be understood as closely entangled with mood and ongoing concerns. So, in our now - where we may speak of professionality when someone has the ability to outrule moods - which however, as this figure portrays, have to be effectively countered. Hmm ... . OK, anyway - what I wanted to describe is that if we apply 'one ultimate' 'outside' - as the whole given introverted and extroverted space - there has to be some 'cut'; And we can also call that 'the realtime fluctuation'.

So, when doing work we put our will into a routine - and thereby tend to forget about a lot of things that otherwise keep us busy; Although socializing during work (or daydreaming) still retain bits and pieces of that 'non-work' environment. But when being really immersed into a thing we mean to express that we've totally 'blended into' a state that was free of disturbing cognitive processes that would sotosay 'break the immersion'. Analyzing the matters of 'free will' I mean to add, that any 'forced behaviour' needs to be labelled as such and has to effectively be removed from the equasion (or counted as 1).

Something that makes this complicated is that 'numbers' ... are difficult to account for. These cognitive streams that go on in our minds are lets say dependent on our own 'countlessness'. Though I believe that there are higher patterns that make the difference between easy and hard - on the same problem. So - a higher plane of consciousness wherein only a fraction of the whole can be present at the time. This would be - I suppose - the equivalence of Life and Self when transposed from an eternal into a limitted figure. Or 'the Mangle'. Well, saying that we don't know exactly how to define or describe the Mangle, this would be a good start - while however having scientific claim to it that differentiates from a bold philosophical angle.


I also had a thing about words and their influences; Specifically from a Video about Numbers in China. What we got there is that the numbers 4, 6 and 8 have some familiar 'sound' with another chinese word; Saying 4~death and 6~8~luck. So when the 'despair' for luck essentially crosses up with the spoken numbers mind essentially comes to cross them together and eventually create a strong cognitive bond.
We can there also compare menthal processes to computer graphics. For images we have both: 'resolution' and 'scalable' graphics; And for 3D we have geometric forms and datasets. Happens that in 1D we can compare to 'sound' - and so attach a '1D signature' to any other thing; Which in turn determines our "root of understanding". Things that are determined and not makes a difference. Ancient hebrew for instance can be considered crude and in-accurate, in that the same letters could mean two different things depending on the context; And a lot had to be thought into it based on whatever rule-set was common, socially, back then. Today we have the word 'in', which in the hebrew text is just a single letter prefixed to whatever word. So, the idea is different - though the information stays the same. In Hebrew we have it that 'in' is always relative to something - though in spoken terms, in the 1D Signing, its the same everywhere. 'In' as that to say 'inside of'. But what do you know? English abuses the word to describe something else: trend.
Even quite correct - where in without relation is just in relative to everything or whatever.
These are 'linguistic basics'. When we however get to math and the history of it - we can find that as the number 'zero' isn't a sure thing everywhere the linguistic basics failed to always cover the mathematical ones - which I believe mirrors really well in ancient Greek mathematics or Euclidean Geometry respectively. Math is, we can say, a way of thinking in numbers - and numbers are the reflective truth of the inherant relationships of values of a kind. Or whatever . ;) ... in a sense we can say that Math teaches us a world of its own. One is a 'word', meaning 'something'. Then 'two' is a word, meaning 'two of something'; And so forth. Depending on how we count we can see patterns unfold. I stop to assign a new word, but start composing them into a grid - so, 10, ... 20, ... 1000000000 ... 1.000.000.000.
In consciousness we don't have a concise ratio of how much/many of what translates into how much of what else. ... ''' ...


What I mean to say is that speaking of relationships between a few items we can put onto a grid is problematic. In my sense we can call it 'the problem of how my "Nerd streams" compare to the rest'. When beholding that grid ... well, what is the reality of it anyhow? What does it do or where does it come from? Why is it there?
Its a Metaphor, firstly put - a dataset of measurements; But in the ideal a nexus of passions. So - in some sense: Joy of relationships between things. Like emotional math. If this is good and that is good - then the two combined are even better 'when' ... so, 'when combined with a base like that'.


Oh goodness gracious. ... Where am I at?

So - saying that Mind is a Metamorphous structure; There is also the other side. Things that don't change. Once calling something a rest, there is now some inverted rest; And there are passions and pleasures like creating fancy worlds, building fancy structures, playing videogames. So - why is it this way and not the way around?

My individual lifetime interest, lets call it that way, tightly resonates within a uni-chromatic grid - and this is therefore automatically pulled into the center. Lets call that 'Base 1'. So - things the individual equally attracts but are in the higher sense disaligned extend from that base, but are however thought into it - and this at first can be imagined a bit like an explosion - or a sphere extending through spiked rays - where the rays are metaphorical to the 'entire sense' that is forming due to various consequences. Those are dominated by the minds structure; So - being more general. That says that rather than there being precise numbers - its a more fluid amount of things. Essentially we can thus shape the idea of an ocean, wherein Base 1 resembles the solid underneath that partially extends beyond it. The analogy fits - since the water finally assembles where a) it can while b) where it is wanted/needed/something.


To move to a 'greater cosmic scale' - we could for instance be asked to build ourselves a fantasy world; Being however confined to a paradisic theme. We can use it as 'average line' - saying, as a margin to measure individual reference points of visible relations. But ... thats another thing.

What we can get is an alignment of sorts; While attaching positive feelings to it that truely resonate with that theme may scale it respectively. What differentiates 'Base 2' from 'Base 1' is that as Base 1 acquires the dominant spot. Therefore the Base 2 items have to take second place. This however occurs in a greater whole; So that Base 1 itself is only the most dominant expression of the whole. When we're dealing with this 'paradisic feelings', we can say they compare to atmosphere; And if we're speaking of raw compounds as of environments - the idea behind atmosphere is that it perfectly aligns to it while furthermore exciting an individual reaction from it. We have it in arbitrary environments, or so: arbitrary atmospheres, that we don't necessarily want to 'inhale' all atmospheres we encounter - but 'paradise' is something to at first say 'desirable/explicitly positive'. It turns out that in my 'cognitive map' of my identity I know of two places where my 'Base 1' idea converges with the/a paradisic one. The one surrounds the entity which I have to regard my spouse as in terms of my gender acknowledgement - uhm, thats specific I guess; And the other is dominated by the entity I regard to be my spouse 'effectively'. Naming them A and B, as in the order of appearance, B 'is' my spouse for all intents and purposes, whereby A as in the alignment with the paradisic frame is more effectively my/a Girlfriend. Another person C would matter once extending the paradisic idea into a peaceful home atmosphere; And person D would matter as smallest possible thing while ultimately opening into the individualistic/chaotic self.
A furthermore aligns to the paradisic in a more general way - as subjected to the/a paradisic idea, while the thing with B is primarily paradisic as assimilated into the individual. So - B equals A in that B is furthermore larger than A in terms of the individuals inner harmony/balance; And stuff.

The totality of the inner structure for once grows by centrific ideas that relate to certain 'things' - and ultimately they provide the mind with resources that can further be used to construct other things - and Base 1 is a good reference point to say or predict what kinds of stuff the individual would build. In terms of B I for instance happen consider myself as 'Pet'; Though in relations to A the 'what' I am is less significant - besides the point that the preferred self is male; While what male implies is then specific to the relationship.
Well - at any rate; What are we speaking about?


What I can say is that Baptism and Unification came with individual atmospheres of 'real' paradise; Though Unification in a slightly different sense, more like implying the stuff from baptism rather than bringing up something totally new. The totally new is 'what else' there is; And from a personal standpoint we're speaking of independent growth to the ideal of a more self-aware relationship with existence and a corresponding peace with existence in general; As a matter of "individual concentrification" relative to internal balance.
Now - it can be questioned wether this internal balance leads to a dynamic or a static source. Facting Gods independent stance into it however, we can say that there is at least one thing that is static - we might call it: An extended self, some kind of inwardly re-assuring consolidation of self. The absolutistic insight of individual existence would be a good start for that. But ultimately that is just a limitted environment - thus it eventually leads to a larger compound; And therein can grow into an even larger compound as matter of that environment.
That all in all can further be sorted into an individual 'hub' - and when piecing it all together there are many ways the individual "has to" affirmatively be eventually; But those also usually just draw a fragmentary picture of the whole. The more wholistic it gets, the more details are compromised - or are eventually abstracted into more dominant figures. That means that things that eventually seemed large and vast to us become little fragments of the whole; But that depends on what becomes or stays large on the long run. But based on a simple priority:rest configuration the individual happens to be a bi-polar thing - and each pole also relates somehow to paradisic themes. So - if we first built a static structure - a plus - then we have a center and four 'ends'; And whatever we say those ends are ultimately is an open connection to something else that closely resembles that idea. So - in the sense a portal that leads into another reality - and from within that reality there is a way of visualizing what else there connects to it; While in the general priority:rest way of things a 'priority core' eventually assembles an isolated vision; And the ones that finally grow largest, well; Are however at least the largest 'at a time'. A side-step from that kind of "careless" de-centrification is exactly the opposite to that, 'centrification' - or as the story goes: A concentric logic. Thats a bit like "the DNA of all things".

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3. The Concentric Answer

When it gets to this I get to that where I used to write about Runes; Though - in this frame I at first would have to write about Seals - and so I actually want to write about it in a sense that may lead to a new name for that.

So - at first there is Rune/Seal one, alias: 'the Concentric Base'. So, if you know the formula or even math behind: 1+2+3+4+...=-1/12; You can compare the concentric base to that. In order for an infinite system (half and quarter space ignored) to become a finitely recognized entity, it needs to hold some 'anti-value' that describes its patther of growth - which is to be recognized as isolated 'code' that only truely speaks to the system as of its own internal logic. Uh - so - as in maths that is -1/12. So - a twelvth of what we fathom recognized into an individual abstract reality. As of writing 1+2+3+4+... we fathom 10 - so, a twelvth of that is 10/12 equals 0,8333333. Well, pointless - but anyway.
So to start with a concentric definition ... there is a way I could have deduced what my concentric base will be; I mean - I can compose it of things I ... could possibly have fathomed prior to my baptism. But what we have then at any rate is an element that determines an independent base that is for all intents and purposes dominating and balancing the/a distribution of priorities.


What happens when thinking of the Force as primary assistant to a positive result is that by establishing things as solid, it aids the personal stance of comparing things and ultimately setting things up. Naturally does God have to then counter-react certain things that emerged as problematic; But to my experience what happens goes beyond that. By establishing individual things as solid that don't have a real solid connection to each other, our minds remain free as for how to relate to them - and the individual idea refines some idea of 'consolidation alignment' wherein the individual minds processes are ultimately flowing.
The reason I compare to my concentric base as a Seal or Rune is that there is something like a constant vacuum added to a very specific will of myself for myself; And this practically magnifies its value while taking the most concentric position. This feels like a pinch - but more so like a glowing seal embedded into my conscious anatomy. This further attracts a direct relationship (Seal, Centric Base Relationship) and an indirect relationship (Rune, Concentric Base Environment) - where now what I see as Rune 2 connects to that, but ... in a way of speaking of how the paradisic idea iterates into an environment and from thereon eventually grows larger, its the environemnts that link into environments 'as' environments - while being represented through a convergent idea; So an avatar of sorts. These things left aside however; My concentric base renders me a "girl/woman" - while actually being more about having a vagina. This is now/then/so aside of any "post-processive" gender resolution - and basically implies that any male appearance of me as ultimately relating to the same concentric reality is respectively trans-gender. While this now leaves my male identities/figures as 'rest', they now also take the "puff" of corresponding wishes and things with them into the second level of concentric establishment. This is what we can picture as the circle around the anomaly - and that at the very least is something I would ultimately describe as a certain feature of Unification.

So on "Level 2" the idea is in some sense an individual resolve of this rest; Which ultimately means that whatever there is, branches off into an independent and a concentric alignment. As in concentric terms the concentric alignment matters; To me this is how I see my concentric base unfold in my "puff" - and while some 'rest' of me assembles into a male figure thats essentially consumed by the concentric environmental consequences - my resolution thereof extends that one bit further. So - I experience myself as 'mind-rigged' - or dominated through a given mind-arc that obscures my mind into an automatization of sorts; Saying that sometimes I can experience these things as genuinely my own impulses while other times they seem as something stranger. So - I there describe myself as a Doll to however effectively stress that I'm 'menthally' enslaved; As that my psyche is essentially something my 'owners' can tinker with; Where I further imply a basically sex-oriented grade of submission. So Rune 3 comes up as wherein both, a purposefully concentrical and an individual correspondence to it assemble within a whole. This, no matter how far you can follow, is at the very least a good shot at what a concentric answer could look like.

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Before I go on - I think its necessary to throw something in. And that something is called 'escalation'. What I mean by escalation is something actually quite common. The big bang theory - as concluded via redlight shift - thats one. So, discovery: redlight shift, conclusion: things move away, conclusion things once were closer together, conclusion: bam!. Its a simply conscious progress that defines most of our life. But then, atheistic science is an escalation. The 'golden chain' (mormon justification) is an escalation. For whatever negative you can find, there is an opposite good somewhere; Depending on how you look.

Escalation also affects us largely. I mean - as I was looking at ideolgy, an escalating ideology is like some sort of rigging. Things are 'rigged together' via conclusions that establish on each other. This is right in between the 'conclusive escalation' and another form of escalation we may perceive as 'emotional escalation' - so, once something is desired and a chance to satisfy that desire opens up, ... one thing would lead to another.

Escalating is however only one way of dealing with knowledge and intellectual items/things. I will however not focus on the negatives of escalation here - so, much more on escalation itself. So - when looking at it; Its a chain of logical reasoning that increases the idea of a given thing. 1+1. Though naturally when one element of the chain is flawed, everything that follows is potentially flawed too; In the bigger whole an escalation is just a more complex thought. What we have there is something we can also call 'intellectual stacking' - and in a proper stack we can see a frame of realities complexity. One argument 'for' escalation is to say that we can eventually never cover the entire spectrum of one idea before moving on - but it shouldn't be about that. It should be evident - and therefore emphasized, that a lot about the Christian Journey towards Baptism and Unification is 'de-escalating'. Instead of having an escalating idea of God, or so, escalating conclusions towards a gnosis of God; Its simpler to accept Him as just the most evident thing there is. So - this twist of general de-escalation is maintained as no 'loose escalation into Unification' can or does really add up against whats really happening. What I mean is that the Force doesn't behave the way we want it to; And so - it happens pretty early that whatever our expectations are or were about it; That comes to a calm. Simply because the Force doesn't escalate along with our wishful thinking.


But on some end its an escalation of its own. One thing adds to the other and boom you're in the second sphere. That happens by some mean tricks - so, we're being forced into acknowledging certain things about reality and before we can think about it we're there. Although, with a certain tension that exists in anticipation of whats evidently coming the other end would get clearer, being that of the 'acknowledgements' being not simply facts being verbally comunicated to us - but unfolding over time throughout the experiences the Force does provide. Our talk and everything about it is for once only 'meta' (social meta) and essentially only 'real' in the third sphere wherein things ultimately come to settle down. I suppose.
"The town of now and then".

But so, as for what matters here, the concentric base handles its own escalation. This type of escalation is what I would call ... 'integral'. So - what that means is that if we have an ideology, we can effectively draw a concentric image that depics ideals that are clearly more central than others. We could also describe the process of finding a more and more ideal alignment 'physical' - as we for instance say that a planet is spherical because it has enough mass to enter such alignment processes. So, in other terms: Once our mind has enough knowledge it automatically starts to escalate therein producing conclusions. So - there are 'higher values' that justify the escalation. Or even demand it. Its simply an exponential exhibit of menthal activity. But not being ignorant of how or why it happens just as what is happening per se would certainly not hurt!

Saying 'integral' I mostly come to the 'magnified will'. I would say that we, as human beings, have an inherant weakness. To our mindset that means, that we only have an active will - and everything that we're not actively breeding upon is more or less un-affected by us. Yet, on the other hand, while we're growing consciously; We for instance get to what is called 'having a spine' - which means as much as 'the strength to consciously overcome psychological fails'. ish? - Well. Anhow. What this 'magnified will' is about - well, ... weird - uhm ... anyway - its not concentrated at/on a point; The seal is only the thing it does converge around the strongest. Its like lights being installed throughout our mind, and the electric current that flows is relative to how much it is connected to the 'relevant thing'. So - if I'm dealing with things that are totally not about my gender/sexuality, that doesn't matter - but, once I'm thinking about myself or anything ... so ... its perhaps better to compare 'the magnified will' to a truth shining in from beyond. Therefore there is no real escalation going on; Everything that interacts with that Light is either "consumed" by it or 'remains' as odd. But what then goes on with what remains, that can pretty much be considered escalating. But also the things that are consumed.
First we have an acquisition of data. So - whatever there is, there is a pro and a contra idea; And whatever the cases, knowing of each thing is the way to go. It however turns out that 'the concentric idea' doesn't give away that much. So - I'm female there, but male there; So - thats 'the situation'.
Where my male consciousness however evolves into a sexual idea - well, yea - fine ... lets look at that first.

I mean ... there is a lot to look at 'first'.
Actually.


So - what is our sexuality in terms of escalation? It happens to me that my sexual evolution was always heading for certain things - and the idea of wedding would at some point draw a circle, wrapping up some package; And eventually thats OK! The better the package, the better the wedding. This eventually has its own concentric influences. And to be really harmonic, gender does eventually happen to be really important. But opposed to 'all-Zen' perspective, there is the issue of 'integral safety of concepts'; I mean, a scope of escalations ... uhm, OK ... lets try to find different words.

The more I develop into one specific direction, the more of my mind is forced to adjust. So - if I have multiple interests and I want to go further down 'one' road, some interests may happen to be counter-productive. But nonetheless I do have a male side; And while that remained to be a conflict for some time; I had to embrace the fact to solve it. This implied - and thats not necessarily an escalation either - that in some general sense; And that is true for me whatsoever; This male side does nonetheless 'wear this seal' - so - which isn't much different to just saying or having a hint of being trans-gender. The more now the 'identity' around each aspect grows, that means, the more consciously that I'm evolving within my male or my female consciousness, the bigger their individual scopes do become and the transition is at some point no longer just a change of perspective. The fact(or) of the female within the male (as it is my current lifetime situation) is ultimately the other end of an intellectual complex wherein escalations basically happen as part of the natural transition.
One simple form of escalation would be the conscious delivery of that information. So - I'm a guy that confesses that he's a woman inside. Simply - a truth that is surfacing. It has to cross intellectual layers that also eventually oppose the transition of the truth into higher levels. Its finally however a psychological rejection of the male body; But at the time being I can very well appreciate the social implications of being male. But being male for me has its own sexual problems. Ah. Well. OK, anyway. Lets forget about that.

What I'm getting at is that each 'base' now has a scope of dreams we can say; And for dreams that can become true one thing has to be given: They have to be possible in realtime. But ... that aside ... sexual desires ultimately determine the coupling reality. In that regard I have come to strive for a higher concept of what that may be. See, a coupling reality that focusses on the 'finding' is ultimately flawed once taking too much away from the reality of then 'staying' within 'one', if that is the goal. So - this is at the very least a hint of something; And in a de-escalated sense that is so. To understand how 'the/a transition' works, we have to establish a given reality of thoughts that leads away from 'the words' as everything that there is. So - we can be attracted to a thing, like, red or blue flower; And when being asked why you chose what you chose you eventually end up with a lot more reasons than you started with. On the other hand, if you would be asked for giving your reasons first, would you still have picked the same flower? Or come up with the same reasons?
What I'm saying is that the word is following the idea - sometimes - and what we perceive is showing us a reality of things; Things that then are objects we can look at and move towards. Depending on how much we know or 'what' we know of as the better way, insights can have 'integral' effects. For instance, if your life sucks because you don't know how to make fire, but you then figure out how to make it and 'snap' - everything changes. It is like a pulse sent throughout your mind - and all the things that sucked are now all of a sudden potentially not so bad and the mind starts escalating "making upgrades". Hell would be kindof like that, just without the upgrades.
To move that into perspective: If we imagine our minds like an abstract Universe, so, as is its own crumbled space that unfolds relative to 'highest consciousness', we get to the things that 'dominate' the minds perception. So, like pillars that estend into arbitrary directions from a center and establish individual patterns; Where the space unfolds like Magnetic Bubbles around them. We can however also compare them to antennas. Everything we do is thereby subject to our doing, ... which is a matter of how we see things.

What the concentric base does to me is that it anchors certain antennas into a fixed situation - or that is however so 'top of stack' in the things that define awareness. What I mean by 'escalations' in the sense that are more on point of this topic here are consequences to for instance an intimate male idea; So - just thinking of what I so would be interested in - an intimate relationship - wherein my gender then becomes a topic; However not turning it into a social meta thing, I mean - into something that is a concern outside of the intimacy of that relationship; So, an idea of how that situation evolves into, through and in consequence of that 'inner gender'.
It is however a bit different because - sloppy as I am, it isn't about gender per se; It is about the sex-organ or so, sexual identity or self-awareness we may say. Rune/Seal 2 finally builds around that - saying, the way that my male awareness enters this female alignment does consciously grow in that way, so - its a de-escalation of sorts but essentially its also a convergence of escalations. God wouldn't or couldn't make these things solid - I believe - if He wouldn't intend to solve the social consequences thereof too. But anyway - there is no sense of required trust that I get from that, simple enough because the individual evolution is in foreground; Which is more a matter of individual/independent consequences than it is of choice.

So - instead of being confused about my female desires they've been wrapped together, so their wholesomeness now has a real wholesomeness to it. I guess the effect is almost identical to an actually gender aligning operation. It perhaps also concluded a bit through wishful thinking; And there was certainly a desire for that to happen. It felt like an integral need to wrap myself up - something I would fall apart without.
There are then other things that have an individual effect of some sort. But well - what turns up for me in relation to the real answer is that most of what the force does is 'conscious supplement'. So - while I have always been trans-gender, it did grow on a whole new Level through the force. While I have always been BDSM interested, that also only showed up in a new way. So - the point of the unreal story simply is an issue of the order in which things pop up and which internal magnitude they show up within. So - while my male self can somehow evolve through the Base 2 things, there is - no real male evolution per se it seems. Its an identity confined in its desires to be female, or to become; Which however is biased through the sensation of being forced into it. But because it is a conscious construct that attains its strength through divine influences - that matter becomes effective, so I am in the consciousness of being forced into this state/situation. On the surface this is however no different from any other type of trans-gender alignment. That is also true beyond the idea of being forced into it. To get away from a negative impression of this you have to see me as a real woman; Which also means that the reason for me to be male is ignored - which is an intimacy issue. So - in that sense - when those concerns were removed, I'd simply be a woman. When I say, (yea duh, facepalm), that I am 'actually male' - that simply a gender specification done in interest of coupling. That I however am female inside can now - on the larger scale of things - now not remain insignificant. So - its an inherant thing that I therefore am actually female, but male in a marginal outpost that describes my more intimate whereabout. Well, think of it as of a pizza with a cheese filling in the outer crust. So, there is a 'layer' wherein this male self is ultimately turning towards the female rest - and, ... weird. I was just thinking - and - it makes sense; I mean, it feels right. So - when picturing it as a sphere, or sphere of spheres, the surface area of the outer sphere has to be larger than the one of the inner, although the volume of the outer shrinks proportional to the inner. This in some sense relates to me as a degree of perversion. Perversion in this sense can be described as the energy with which I would "stress" myself into a female existence. I guess that also translates into an abstraction of sort, describing an inner like for partially even comedic exagerations - in a sense of extremely feminine outlines within extremely heterosexual conditions that have a small hint of male ugliness within the female protagonists. In the same sense - if that male hint is missing, its just flat out humiliation. "Ergo" - bit tits are one of the first things I converge with wanting, coming from that direction. Getting pregnancy built into it is then, well ... lets call it a Unification of sorts. As this transition becomes integral to a relationship of sorts, the corresponding social frame also turns out as integral to the relationship and therefore to the corresponding 'reality' of things so that expressions have to adjust to some sense of realness in order to fit in. So - lets state that this is an invisible fact; So - we cannot see or touch any of the social reality we're stuck in. So - whatever we are is essentially a product of guessing while trying to live up to a certain personal ideal. The magnified truth however provides magnified consequences; And what I so experience is so a generally escalating sense of myself.

The point is, that the more I effectively ignore or 'sit in stance against' my female reality, I only increase the scope I have to escalate through to find harmony with myself; While the escalation into 'the concentric ideal' is however always an escalation since it exists as super-imposed ideal; And the negative in my case is vastly due to the fact that my setting contains an integral conflict. And when moving on into the next; However - it shouldn't hurt to keep these things in mind.
I mean, the next part is practically a lot about escalations - so.

4. The Clarity Answer

Now - I don't want to tackle this from an esoteric standpoint. That is, the esoteric perspective were that solely based on the individuals inner going ons and taking the base of God as an absolute value. That is however what its going to be about at any rate - its however so the esoteric reality therein, or the esoteric conjecture; But I so want to focus a bit more on these 'abstract images'.

Clarity itself is a bit less than the concentric base (seal/scope 1), it kindof floats on it as a boat on a surface of water. In my case the concentric items are sealed into me, at the very least scopes 1 and 2 (so far), whereby scope one forces a gender onto me. What retracts is the male which ultimately was found to have a bigger surface area; And that so is kindof the way it stands.
What surface area and volume are about - well ... it could be that surface area is 'absolutely acquired space' - hence there would be a 'raw lot' of it. But ... in what form?

Anyway - as it for now are only 'concepts' of myself, at least, they are concepts my mind is bound to, because that is so imposed onto me by myself or sotosay inner going ons. I could change it, I guess, but if I wanted to it wouldn't be there, effectively. But anyhow.


Another part of the concentric consequence is, that the female part of me that isn't confined within this situation of being forced into any situation also mingles into the outer sphere. Being Bi-Seuxal it furthermore happens, that there is the Lesbian side that has a common sex-interest with the male; While the Hetero Female however rather retracts from it. I finally also noticed that scope 2 pretty much equals this inward bound of the outer sphere, eventually splitting it in half again.

And so it is time to introduce clarity. Clarity came prior to me than a conscious reception of my Concentric Alignment, but that didn't prevent me from behaving any differently. As the idea of me being 'forced' into a given situation implies some social frame wherein that event happens as consequence; That basically only mirrors some part of how I got there at the starting point. But still converges around an integral part; And effectively the conclusion that comes to me is, that these are sotosay key-elements of our selves; Pretty much 'bones' - which in my case are then expressed as child to a greater idea that is then and therefore 'binding'. Being bound into a society this way is a divine level of binding since God does do the divine part to "sustaining" that bond - perhaps better 'envigorating' or 'realizing' it. But anyway.
After I had seem myself mirroring itself within and through clarity to a point that ignited my curiosity for finding the depth of how far I converged with it; And my faible for these Hentai films did for instance "pop up" in terms such as 'cattle', 'captivity' or 'humiliation'. I used to tie myself to geometric structures to basically have an artificial space to find words that realized whatever I liked about 'converging with the idea'. So, there were desires; Where - taking my impressions from porn of all kinds as a diffused space of arbitrarily large bubbles for instance, where the bubbles correspond to my individual positive responses relating to that, Clarity provided some 'base line' or 'plane' for them to find a foodprint on. Again the BDSM instance would even supercede that; And what I get from crossing Whore with that is pretty much something is expectively concentric within me. So - that would be a different idea or area of concentricism, which so happens to be, for now, the concentricism of clarity.


While I so progressed in analyzing my clarity and expanding my understanding of it, I so happened to evolve 'the Spine' - as I called it. You can understand how my mind would preferentially focus on self-submissive ideas, like one of my primary pillars adds submissiveness to something that already is generally submissive. And the way how things technically scaled in reference to each other initially shouldn't be too far away from how the individual idea of clarity scaled respectively afterward. The general difference is however that a sense of a central identity emerges through the various 'complex additions' - like an average, but also a collection of ideals.
But I guess I'm loosing myself on explaining the wrong things again.

Anyway - Clarity and the Concentric base for once make up two destinctly different influences - and so does the Spine also add up to. Each can be described in its own different way, while in the whole sometimes more and sometimes less depending on the inherant rest - but yea; We get to an explosive idea of some escalating identity - I mean, instead of Order there is some sense of Chaos. But that is opposed by how these individual things effectively work as independent pieces.
But, let me take a few steps back and take a look at the whole from a more distanced position.


What we have are "things" - and to a sense it are only words. Words there to describe something - but I think 'the Spine' is an independently great example since its sortof isn't its own thing when counted to clarity. But eventually its the better thing to take once talking about identity.
As for my popint, they aren't simply objects I can then look at and say: "OK, well, now lets get rid of it!". When simplified as words I come up with in reference to parts of myself, the basic mechanism can be compared to junctions or intersections. So - the personal reasoning goes like: "Well - this is fine; And that is too - and they kindof meet here, so - ... yay!" - and getting rid of it would be a matter of getting rid of the sources first; But now they're even stronger because re-affirm each other. Which, to hold that up and point it out, does all in all scale relative to the individuals all-over "spectrum".

So, Clarity is to me essentially a picture of things that connect - and first of all I suggest that the reason why this happens for me is the same as why things would happen differently under different circumstances. So, why-ever. I am fine with saying that it is simply even so the point; To see the 'thing' - how the individual chaos of an individual holds a certain inherant order and what that would be about. As for me, I realize that if I had to go out of the way of that; I would for once pretty much feel like a Don Quixotte - not assuming that I couldn't accomplish anything but basically considering that there isn't much in my current life that leans a lot to my clarity. But whatever that may be about - on the other hand; I see God not telling me that its necessarily OK to sacrifice myself to social pressure. Actually social pressure is even the problem; All in all. Social pressure eventually follows its own rules of escalation; Especially since in the social scope other people mere existence can already be the entire cause to a multi-layered system of belief - I mean, people become reaons to do things; So - the entire logic that might steer a simple conscious escalation into a sane direction is eventually getting lost entirely. So the idea that I should get rid of stuff because its bad; Where "why" it is bad is a possibly as complicated of a thing as it is for me to basically argue against it. And once again I find myself in a spot where I feel like everything is just there to get against me.
Like, society escalating against me based on some simple idea that maybe nobody even really knows how to explain.


But ooomph. OK - so; There's a lot of stuff going on; And the reason why the Spine would make the better identity is because it resembles the 'solid' that is necessary for the 'fluid' to become stable. While my Spine is in some sense a but to my clarity - when looking at the Grid this but however emerges in images of my Clarity; And speaking of something as a 'non-sexual' representation may be a thing but it would still violates the general idea at some point. So - for instance - when we can commonly agree to some level of etiquette, we have to consider that its easy to discount for things that are all-over generally valid. So, I wouldn't need to tell you that I have a biological heart. All components of the body are essentially taken for granted - and only if more than just a little is missing we would call it handicapped. And while this then is its whole independent thing, there ultimately is also the 'highly handicapped' label - and possibly more. So - discounting sexuality would suggest that we're all equal in that regard. Give or take. But I can simply not find that 'thing' that I could switch on and I'd be 'in that club' that I "see people wanna pull me into" - sotosay. That isn't a matter of wanting but 'being'. And again - the fact 'that' we can adjust to pretty much anything doesn't 'change' the fact that I've pretty much grown against the idea of changing everything about me just because I can!
As for escalation - well - the Grid is pretty much a way of saying, well, it can all go around in the circle. But it also means that whatever weird idea you could project into my matrix has an inherant way of being plausible - for as long as you stick to a sufficiently large scope of possible extrapolations - its kindof as there is no real rule to how to properly play with legos; Once understood the primary concept. But respectively there are God knows how many possible ways at the time being; And Identity is a way of saying how the lets say infinite amount of possibilities aren't all equally significant for the individual. But - lets say they are all equally out there; As infinity suggests - there is no end to an un-ending thing and so how much of whatever, its all the same ... lets just take it so ... the idea is still that only one can be 'really legit' at a time - and if its a mix of things then it is that!

As for where this takes me - that has always kindof been the problem. But I have a nice analogy. Lets say you love doing math. So - you could take that love into a hypothetical prison. It doesn't have to look like one. Just shrink the Universe to the bare minimum that is required to do math and enjoy doing it so. Now fast foward. Let this cycle through a myriad of lifetimes - always doing math - until you eventually end up in one lifetime where doing math is really like the worse thing one could do, or, however, it sortof provokes an odd ... lets say its practically shoved down your throat. Well - whatever. Perhaps repeat that a while - until there is an open door of sorts; Like - a guard having forgotten its key to the cell and you have a legitimate chance of getting out. Now - it would require a second desire that isn't closely related to math, a thing you couldn't do for so long, to make this really seem like an attractive way to go.
And so the real confinement that can happen to us, one we should be worried about mostly, is that of personal development. Now well, I know that a lot of things go wrong in this world because of that; And so there is this 'darwinistic idea' - survival of the fittest. But do you notice that the conditions of fitness are set up by a society that is potneitally inherantly perverted and utterly unfair? What would 'the fittest' be like? Would they be good at doing math? Or solving science problems? Sharing the word right? Helping other people survive? Maybe. But where is the money going?
So - in terms of righteousness there are a lot of people, other than me, that - yea - deserve attention or support. But - once we are all influenced by God it can all be smoothly coming together. The idea - as converging with my topic here - is a measurement of Gods influence respectively. And here we go again; Why doesn't God turn us into a perfectly industrialized civilization wherein you could tell me to be different?


So - since in an Enlightened society Gods word has value, how can we know about each others truth? I do believe that everyone who gets Unified with God has no problem whatsoever to be honest and sencere in these regards. After all - if there is no existential pressure, like in school degrees today, there is no need to make anything up. And by the way - one part of the whole story is either way achieved by just living, being ones self. The idea is that we go where we want to go; And dress the way we want to dress (except we can't effort it or what... anyway) - and if all we have to do is to say what we want in order to be there; There is the 'choice' nonetheless - taking into account that once its a once and for all thing, well, its kindof something you would rather think twice about. So - technically.
On the other hand there are things you wouldn't have or want to think twice about. Its some sort of a parabolic logic. So - the exponential rise into infinity resembles a lot of things we can't really care about. At some point we're dealing with things that narrow down at a center or are even shooting off into the different direction. So - where we would draw that point on the bottom line would show how close or far the thing is to one.

And in that sense, including a social framework to everything the Force establishes, the meaning of escalations ... well, this is a bit of a jump, but well ... bears .... its growing geometrically relative to the layers of things that are stacked up on each other.
For instance, whatever the Force establishes isn't really bound to any physical strings. Therefore we can also get to weird logical connections that however work because ... thats how it is. What I mean is this: Extending from my Spine I have a couple of individual identities we may say; As different ways of looking into different circumstances. Hereby the spine has its own 'luminous center', in my case basically imposing a physiological appearance upon me. This also implies a sense of status quo, age and finally social interactions which basically dominate the personal impressions in a sense that this interference causes certain things to feel more and others less attractive. While this set of identities however converges into one where the 'but' abstractions are resolved into a more timeless ideal correspondent to clarity; My sense also easily flips over into a different reality of things; Starting with a different physical appearance and a whole different set of social arrangements. The way this looks from further away is that this other, now second reality is its own environment with different social implications; And these converge around clarity as the Spine one does. While the Spine constitutes its own reality of self-awareness revolving around that - it also satisfies completely different needs. We can call that a more public space where the second would happen to be more private. How well each one ultimately constitutes to "the climax" - that depends. As from an intimacy perspective its the intimate one; With a still higher degree of influence onto the social - which however yields a larger degree of experienced confinement. So - its finally a matter of well-being why the intimate side is always kindof the bigger thing ... but well. Anyway. In this sense however.

So, what does it say when I say that I'm a whore? I mean, for instance, take a look at my Base 2. Nothing therein suggests any form of social dependence of any kind whatsoever - besides looking at the required materials. So - in any sense - that activity is dependent on a support-base; And while coupling matters are universalistically concentrically pre-dominant that would be the first thing to look at. So - looking for somewhere further away would first of all be counter-intuitive because sooner or later I would/should be there anyway. Anyhow, in the inner sense, everything itself is an abstraction between the extremes.
What I could say at this point for instance, that being a whore means to me as much as that "I'm nobody's bitch". Like, while I used to work as one - I realized that everyone had an individual degree of tidiness when it came to cleaning up a room after it has been used; Lets just speak of folding up towels. So - for as long as there are people interested in keeping things tidy, others can slack behind. Which means that a good way of doing nothing is to do nothing. And instead of getting myself involved into things that I can do just because I could - I'm staying out of it. As for 'depth', well, lets speak of leverage. This expression of what it means to me to be a whore ranks in at a certain level of relevance. Because the 'real' reason is inwardly clarity and a whole lot of things that tied into it - what it means to me is also respectively, inwardly complex. So, while you could 'break' this argument quite easily; Outlevering it in some way or whatever - it would also only be 'that therein delivered sense' of whoredom that would be chipped off that way. In this sense it is also particularly un-interesting because it wouldn't change anything; As - the philosophy is sortof in a dead-zone/grey-area. Hmm, interesting?!
So yea - if I for instance am going to get ice-cream anyway and all my friends know that, then I can say that I hate ice-cream and it will sortof disappear in that void of life. But what if I then don't get it? The ice cream? Similarly would this loss of argument have an effect; And - then it isn't so easy to speak of an 'over time' effect if we have to account for all sorts of conditions that could obscure an 'unbiased' process to some extreme or a few.
What we have in God, through Unification, isn't necessarily like a dog that fetches all the things for us that we've lost; But by stretching out a higher order that is similarly 'lost' to us - its kindof like that.


What I mean - isn't even really a thing of justification my life as whore or the life as whore; Because I experience an inherant unity with my clarity that there is no reason to talk about it in any sense where justification is an issue. But when finally taken to that point - then what exactly I mean by being a whore is getting more and more complex. What this means is tied to essential issues, like intimacy. So - when sticking to the term 'whore' and going into any wild direction from there, you get into different situations where each has a slightly different spectrum of social possibilities; tendentially. So, while again none of this is inherantly wrong - technically - at least when keeping it simple - well, I mean, when we get to sorting things out because of social stuff - its kindof getting into the same direction as the one I'm up into. But when keeping the BDSM thing in mind, it turns out to be one of the more intimate pillars of myself. So - there is a however idealized scope of intimate relationship. Period. This in the 'Force Way' keeps being real despite it being not there; So - the sense of how things are experienced as positive or negative changed/changes. So - at any rate, this 'ideal' can be pictured as a vacuum of the individual, like something like how a puzzle piece fits into a ... puzzle.
On another note - I'm a kind of whore, well - how can I tell ... ? But - the thing is still there that romancing or intimate alignment isn't really fixed to just one figure. It all however depends. I feel like I'm married into prostitution; But this is then an entirely independent idea, effectively, of my whoredom that is still built on consolidated factors it seems. The main issue for me is that for as long as a relationship doesn't conflict with the more intimate ones, as by trying to replace them, there isn't a problem. Not from this side at least. This goes as far as that relationships can even co-exist in a sense of replacing each other; But effectively not doing so while inherantly satisfying completely different interests. An escalation as the mind would allow, should however not be taken as too serious in concerns of real-time; I mean - in the Unified frame with the Force and all that; I mean - what I'm trying to say is that realtime has its way of taking longer than we sometimes want it to; For instance.

In a sense, the more extreme things do become possible due to the social webbing that provides a certain web of safety. So, because or once intimate harmony does basically nourish a certain type of existence, more doors of that kind open up. In another sense is the comfort of intimacy a root of life to some degree - and so, though I may live in a harsh sexual environment - imaginatively here - the fact that most of it is or should be established within my private reality should not be forgotten. While it might seem even worse, considering that these would appear to be even harsher things going on, that is at first I would say only the appearance of how 'we' (that is me and those that live in the same space) like to interact with each other.
Uhmm... OK. First of all - lets step back; And there was this idea of taking sexuality out of the picture. Maybe in a sense we can treat what I got as some sort of handicap; But ... ultimately thats where I think about Kingdoms. Eventually the landscape is however surprisingly flat. Whatever. Lets call it an internal thing at first. Like - we take a group of people, lets say "workers", as basically homogenous in some regard - but intimately or individually yet oriented differently. What a worker happens to be could or should or might essentially be a matter of scope. Like, how much space does the individual need, or what amount of work has a positive effect. So we get to different degrees - while ultimately, as social consequence, we get to social epi-centers where boundaries between privacy and public life eventually blurr. Dedication is eventually one word that we can fancy there. To 'soil it out' - I don't like to speak of anything like "workers" - not in any relativity to hierarchy.
But so - thats going a bit further into Zion, thus, maybe progress - for more on that - [here] ...


The bottom line is kindof that we're all somehow evenly tied into activities that in some form make up the whole. And the idea is to keep that going, while on the frontier of everything so far we have to discuvver ... uhm, in how far enlightened stuff works out. So, what can be done to improve everything - while making it an issue of independent evolution? The easiest so far I guess would be our educational system.


Anyway. Thinking further about my clarity and such, I mean to say that back in the time where I was working that way - though I was actually happy and fine, I still felt like a stray dog. So, that as for the void where it comes to me. But what clarity means next to that, for me, or being a Whore, is then also vastly a matter of that sort. So - even when working as a whore regardless of my intimate surrounding; I now see or get it that I would still strongly tend towards my own activity; So - doing this and things alike.
That is Base 2 stuff. But ... now, well. I had a thing ... ..


So, I don't want to say that Base 2 is irrelevant; And however that is anchored within me, I want to get a couple of things right here: I don't want to go too much into the one or the other direction from a relevant inclusion of it. So - what I mean is the following: In a sense we have to start talking about roleplay. The question is: How far does roleplay go, after a certain amount of exposure to the own clarity? See, there are reasons why I don't like to work as a whore, in this world; And what ultimately keeps me at bay, to not anyway loosen myself up in there, is this and that kind of work here. Thats just a legitimate choice as it comes to be of concern to me. But - in this environment now there is for once nothing really social going on; And from work and other things having friends and socializing with them showed me that I'm not a good friend because I cannot really take as much time as I should. I then get annoyed eventually or am stuck with my mind in my own things anyway. These are we can say 'natural edges'; And so, if I am handicapped then thats the Base 2 thing first of all. But secondly, what there remains as "social interface" we may say - that is actually not really relevant. I mean - something has to fit together eventually; But it could be anything, without being in one way or the other any more as good as bad than the rest - more or less.
But so, the question for how far my Clarity is to remain a private thing - the point is; How far is what I say is private not a real thing? The idea is that if we say that is roleplay - I mean, the idea is to call it 'side-stepping' maybe. So, the idea is - what shouldn't be side-stepped? I mean, the first and foremost thing that is roleplay like but is something we all should agree shouldn't be side-stepped is practically the way we interface with the system. And to keep it real I'm not thinking about any hypothetical one, but the one you really do interface with at the time being! Mormons say that every rule has its exceptions; Or - that one or two bad habits are OK; The Bible calls it 'we are all sinners'; But - thinking that aside - the point is that there has to be some 'official' thing - thinking - we would or should first establish; And rules established thereon can then be used to really get anything going.

But where to start? First we'll need an ekklesia - and around it, to zoom in on that a little closer, people are questioned with/by claims that exist while that again branches of into sub-systems; While this whole entire chunk of brainpower is directed towards multiple ends. So - individuals with different interests do branch into different things. Thats I would guess a 'Priesthood' thing. So - part of this thinking is diverted to the crisp and total truth; Thus closely entangled with natural sciences and stuff. Here the effort is to just do the right thing. On the higher Levels attention is however further diverted towards God and essentially growing on closer connections between God and Human being - which for once has a scientific root but then at some point branches into the esoteric, religious questions; And while it so happens to be possible we can, as we see that this thing eventually happens to tie into social questions more generally setup a table that represents this scopes open connection to those concerns.

I mean, it is a bit difficult to wrap the own head around it in detail I think, but I suppose that if the impressions you'll get after your Unification don't diverge too much from the ones I got it won't be that hard anymore. But anyway; With the ekklesia put in place and stuff growing around it, there is the first open question: Whats gonna happen and how to make it comprehensive?
I believe - OK, ...


We should think of it as a Historical index. Part of this index is what I would call/compare-to an arch; As the one Noah built. So - there is probably going to be media round about this; Everything; And over time we want to refine our ideas to basically tradition our gained Enlightenment to our children. Eventually there will also be the digital version; Or it should start there; And it will begin at the day where it begins - and we would follow up with things that we deemed relevant - introducing our general concept of belief; While on the timeline we recognize these things in a brief way. So - pretty much 'back to the roots'-ish. Now - these many branches that branch off from the Ekklesia that keep working on claims - they essentially are 'keepers of the social lore'. I guess thats a little where Art and Culture collides with Priesthood - and is technically therefore the stronger pole resonating towards Judgement. Anyway ...

There for instance is the claim that I'm John, the Apostle. Then there is another one, that I'm a Whore. So - I guess the first thing would be something noteworthy. At least we can recognize certain people that way - and if just in a short note. But that I'm a whore, or whatever the individual clarity of any individual would be, that extends into a more common sphere. So, there is going to be your 'place' and the people there - and there isn't a real reason why they should be any less qualified; Except maybe that 'the way up' is still a thing. But the question is: What do they attach to? Or where is the information going?
And maybe: What is it used for?

In the beginning however, we wouldn't really speak of having an Ekklesia unless the scope is available. But that wouldn't or shouldn't make Gods work any less valid - and so we can begin, as a small group, to take things our way. So - thats supposed to be a good example! So - if there is an Ekklesia there is something like 'common source material' that is sortof considered "Canon" - but ultimately we might say that nobody really cares since we're going to live our lives our own way. But yea - part of this is to build on the Ekklesia; As some socially governing instance where order is basically established on given paradigms of soci... llllw elll.. . The idea is that the Ekklesia will hold the Light that people can share. So - the more significant something is found, the more it ranks up - but while it isn't there we'll make our own rules. So - in that sense; A lot might not even care about that at the start, but since I or then we have the legislation upon our own selves; That would lead - when properly communicated and effectively re-acknowledged - effectively to one of those instances around the Ekklesia; And what we're looking for ... well.

We want to make sense of our living. Eventually we thereby however have to settle on the facts of being different, eventually. So - back we are at those Kingdoms. We can look at those as totally virtual; As Role-play ish as possible even, so, kindof like an MMORPG maybe. But when taken as that, then the whole thing would rather be about an Avatar. And I would be collecting Trophies by playing Games.
Or real-life achievements. So - we can take it that far. However - that takes us to the more realistic footprint of it - where at first we have to create the roleplay of having an ID-Card. The purpose really leans itself to the far end of the matter, such as personal data-management, registration, where-abouts, legal entitlements - stuff like whatever drops into our management concerns - even cloud storage. So - eventually the ID-Card isn't the all that there is, but it should then be in some way a physical representation of that otherwise floaty whole.


Thats one of the things I explore when thinking about my OS thing (Crystals). For instance how personal data-management is affected by the operating systems we use; Or by how we relate to filesystems and data-structures; And how our own gnosis measures into that. But so, OK, name, birthday, born where, a few numbers, signature ... and thats it?
I mean, yea - for general purposes all we'd need to know from it, if anything, were the address, to so know where to send the mail/police to. That in some sense is also bottom-line security; But that mostly then in unlucky cases. I shouldn't require it, so, I'd expect that I can go to the church and get my stuff secured without further bullshit. I mean, certain instances of security might be un-avoidable, but well ... so I transition into 'the Virtual profile' - and the 'dignity' with that is that technically, using html for instance, "anything" is possible. So, whatever we may want to add.
If we're single and searching; That may not be the way to go - but an extra profile that would then also link back maybe? OK, what am I thinking about ... ?

The point is this: If we want to have something like 'real life' measurements, first of all, we can think of it as a chunk of cloud storage dedicated to that one individual; And school achievements and earned degrees and contributed work can be noted there. That would be volume that a 'tinkerer' might replicate through fantasy, but that would yet fill another volume. I mean - there is a difference between people who like to spend time playing around on the computer and those that don't; While - as for a personal front-page ... first of all we're free to withhold everything. But perhaps just sharing your twitter. Anyhow - there would still a lot more be going on in the background.


Clarity for instance is a thing; And maybe its a nice way to see it as a thing you 'eventually can acquire'. So - how is this valid in the system? We would need a dictionary of sorts to account for things that are things. At the very least. People who then want to stand up and take spiritual lead are for now called lets say Prophets. The idea is that in progress of social dynamics taking effect, certain alignments should occur towards the trend that Prophets align around certain ideals that would allow them to "become/create" a circle of its own to explore these concepts and to communicate them to the rest. So - we're talking about the existential concepts of life; Cultural Mainstreams. So - in a sense, when any of these groups can come up with a concept that the Ekklesia can ultimately sort into its Archives, we have an 'acknowledged philosophy'. What these allow us to do is to draw boundaries around various lifetime concerning issues; As to so adjust in favour towards given things.
Clarity does hereto become an object - a gateway or key if you so will, that enables us to acknowledge individual reflections of a sort. Uhm ... I mean ... Clarity tells me who I am; And what I so make of it is simply put a consequence. This consequence furthermore levels in around things, that for instance require me to investigate this kind of menthal submission stuff and things alike.

The idea is the following: Whilst the Force engages into individual relationships with us, the presence of God aligns respectively. In terms of a social frame, individual aspects of the Force can carry out in some sense of order; And this order can potentially be recognized, where in my case or for people that follow the same lead the general plot is to realize them within satanic figures.
What that means is that to us "Satan" (the Dark Lord, Unholy God/Father, Devil, Lucifer) is an extension of God - first of all - and technically serves as 'Anti-God' to host a "different kind" of religious alignment. So, aside of theming everything in some sense of blasphemy, sinning and all that; This further goes down to the raw core behind that. In the center however we're questioned with things the Force really does, as to eventually get a better idea of how my situation of being 'sealed' to certain things has to be comprehended.
So - an Enlightened community is basically what will help these bold claims to become a reality, eventually; Which can at first even just be one that doesn't relate to an outside. One of the more common things following the same idea, without being Satanistic, would be idolatry. That in the sense is a more simple way of having a religiously dedicated life - as praises and rewards of thanksgiving are channeled via an ideological conductor - helping to keep things simple. However idolatry will be a thing all-over, the thing for me goes a bit further, as the true exaltation of human beings into the divine. The concept is however relative to the all-over idea of Zion, saying that the true power a Diety holds is in being a figure of interest to the own fellony.
What we get to is a public pulse to culture - though, to think more practically that isn't really important.

In another sense, we only need to confirm a leadership to the Satanistic church at some point; And from thereon anything that has to be legally tied to them will have to correspond with them. If it so happens that I belong into a 'Cult', sub to Satanism, this Cult will have its own statutes and status. This is kindof where I'm leaning towards, while - to get to the point; The things God does with the Force, to Satanists, is mostly a matter of twisting us into a sinful existence. The Sex is mostly just there to underline the all-over twisted social concepts that Satanists share amongst each other; And I feel to be part of that Satanistic clergy that is basically at the root of enchantments that focus on the sexual abuse of female individuals; But also stuff like wedding bonds that are generally revolving around sinning. I mean, thats the gist of it where the position of the woman as sex-slave for instance is still one of the things more common to me.
And so the other side of consolidary things. I mean, as for roleplaying; There isn't really a point in finding any truth if nobody would pay any attention. So - to see how real my Clarity is, we first have to have a legal foundation to find a reference of some description. So, on the one side there is the idea that my Situation is that I'm part of a Cult that basically deals with Slaves as a commodity, or, ... its kindof important - while it would treat them legitimately like property. So - in the idea we need to take a shell, lets say 'Kingdom of Darkness'; We include a sense of legislation - and if that is acknowledgable then people are kindof effectively bound to it. I mean - folks that aren't a part of it wouldn't be influenced; But they have to see these rules as real things nonetheless. So - its the point that ... things such as depersonification for instance. So, if Satanists are to be allowed to make legal choices for other Satanists - its a Kingdom internal thing. But, so that it can be - this legislation has to be acknowledged.

So - part of this 'figuring out the claims' would then be around shaping the idea of a Satanistic church - and in essence we would want something that really represents us as a whole, so, a way of living a life around the pleasures of Sin, as passed down to us by the Force. So - we're ultimately sinning against each other and in light of a vain idea, but hey, thats the way it is! The vanity itself is a good image. We simply treasure different things, so the vanity is relative. That there 'has to be' some central public space to any church - well - thats a bit of a strange idea; But essentially that were still the expression of a greater unity.
Naturally there would also be figures 'exalted' from normal citizenship; So, symbols of a Kind that I might find myself amongst.
That I should be the Dark Churches role model for the kinds of things, ... well, I so happen to be conjointed with, ... that would be obvious when my claims on that matter are right!
Formulating these things does however turn out to be a bit of a problem; Since - individual ideas do too fast start to interweave with the common space - and though I might be the Highest Diety of all Universes my influence is still almost non-existent. I mean, it basically is non-existent. And - though I could write a bit more I don't think it would lead to much more at this point!

5. The Raw Answer

I experience my mind consolidating around a conscious frontier thats heavily interweaved with concepts of self-rape. It can be described as a dark blankett, but also a dark hand that crushes my head under its strength. My mind grows around the natural self-understanding of being a pet; And grow more and more hopeful unto getting forced into a Slutty expression of itself. This would only truely come out once put under enough sexual pressure for me to loose my shame and internal cognitive attachment to my male identity.
The Frightening absolution of getting ultimately forced into sexual captivity is as pleasant as frightening as it sometimes appears to me. Seeing myself as helplessy exposed to circumstances that drown my lifetime within sexual brutality is a secret wish; And I would trade anything to increase the horrors, magnitudes and volumes and spread of that situation. I want to be incapable of steering backwards - so, being confined within an endlessy progressive desire for more of it.
I want it to be a constant in my life - that only more of this suffering can be really good. There mustn't be any alternative; Just a blind acknowledgement that evenly renders me an object.

This is how a calm expression of my minds adjustement to the Clarities as reality looks and flows like. I guess from here on out it would only move through circles re-invigorating the already given impressions in as many ways as come to mind. As for the wrongs I wanted to avoid - all this is really so far not too bad, saying, Base 2 isn't wrongfully forced in.
Thinking of what I'm like - effectively - its still true that taking my Base 2 things from me would leave me utterly depressed. But ... yes, there's a but. The social reality of my clarity could now go either of two ways. Either 1, its going to be generally positive and envigorating; Or 2 it would simply support "the Demise" of my psychological existence. What the result will be, is however in nobodies hands, but those of God. The thing is that if it would be 2, then simply because I'm not given the strength to maintain '"sanity"' on a higher level. And essentially that feels like a thing that has to come - especially, I mean, more so the further this reality is withdrawn from me. Its like pushing back a whole lot of water that eventually has to flow back. The further I'm pushing it, the stronger the wave is going to be. And essentially that means, to me and as far as my verbal correctness is concerned that I want to get messed up. Demolished. Psychologically Annihilated. I can correspond to that since what I have in Base 2 as what I'm holding on to, has also ways of fitting into the setting of my captivity. I for instance am in creative terms more and more dominated by urges of self-depraving topics. And that is all in all just a reality!


Still, ... we have to let God do His thing. And then, one way or another, the internal - social reality will dominate. I mean, the social reality - as a matter of being a social thing. So - it makes a lot of sense that in the beginning this has it that people will stick together rather in small groups with a rather neutral official meta. But the more we become, the stronger we'll be forced to deal with 'that' - saying, the more we need a metaphysical grid to hold on to. How base 1 and what, the should then be further an issue of sciences; But, the lack of knowledge wouldn't stop me from going there. I mean, I am there already, kindof. It may even take a while before the first items alike become more tangible than just poof; But all in all - this is what I am.

---

The raw answer of course doesn't really follow any logic. It could also say: "Identity? What? I don't care!". And I guess its all in all a bit of a weird concept; And it turns out that just a minor "glitch" ... and yea, things would go horribly wrong. But thats then what you get if you wanted to build the entirety of Zion on my back - which is about me solving things this way, and that all on my own. Well - take it that Identity isn't Real Life, its figures aren't physical; And so, no matter how much I desire of what - oh yea, what kind of desire? How does it emerge and hof far is it controllable? Thats one more thing, technically it isn't even there because there isn't a real urge to make anything of them; None that is outward directed. What I have of it here is the inwardly directed truth - and it isn't my desire to express myself but to explain those few pieces. So - if you for instance took these things and merged my idea of identity into something like 'physical reality', you'd be going horribly wrong! In words it may sound silly, now that I look at it. Humm ... sigh!

"But what is Identity?"

Identity, if we're taking it to ourselves and start talking of anything outside of the 'now' (the immediate, current now that you're reading this kind of now) we come to things as history and future. So, anyone who's saying that we are "more" than ... any trend thats anti-variety and stuff ... is essentially going to take that - while - we can take it as rod; Saying, if History and Future get taken from us we're kindof being robbed. And if anyone were alright with that then thats their problem! Inherantly thats part of what we are. Past and Future do come along - and while we can't proof that there is no pre or pos terrestrial life I should have all the rights to believe in it. It shouldn't even be a question. For sciences sake!

And Zen and Science should come together! Really! I hate it when ... when ... anyway. So, little by little - and escalations are good but the thing that is solid ... "in the core" - I mean, in a proper science building there wouldn't need to be a need for 'unearthing' anything. So, maybe you have heard or seen about the game 'Bastion'. I want to bring it up to think about 'the Bastion' - and while the game is a game and the Bastion is respectively small compared to whatever else there is, its the idea of that 'return' to a Base. There are a lot of other games that do that, but so the idea: You go out to take stuff in. And if something that 'is' outside is 'snook in' - in this sense, some vile bullshit is going on!

So - clearly there can be accident or whatever, but - ... well, if we want to talk about perfection we shouldn't be looking at us. And yea - I [very loud] by the way am human too!
Although technically I am not. But then, evidently that is only true unto a certain point; And that opens up another perspective onto identity. When we say I am influenced by some internal stuff - yea, who isn't? So - in that sense, this "mystery box" - lets take a black void and put a question-mark in it - that is now some wiring that can eventually be traced back to ancient history, thinking about how all that we are might be simply consequence.
And so we can draw an imaginary hypothesis of our respective future too. And if people that can't 'make peace' with their own free will when looking at the future, that I find very saddening! I mean, if I look at my future; Thinking of simple causality; I don't see where I have any choices! I have to find work, so I have to pick a direction to stick with if I want to eventually get wealthy or at least out of poverty; And then I have to stick to that! That is mostly external imo bullshit pressure and what not; But clearly - if I want to break out of that I'll have to do something that might work. OK, point being, ... what have I tried? Eventually, at the age of 32, one has seen a couple of things corresponding to the path that one is on; And I have seen a lot of people that are very very close to the bottom of society or even lower! And not talking of myself would redeem me from being puked at for "not trying"; And the 'free-est' people that I have come to meet they're folks that are just hitting the road! Thats just it! And the stories all do sound samey - although, in an abstract sense that tends towards one universal core 'problem' - and thats to me that we're not living in Zion!
I have met great personalities - in a sense - weird people; And I see them stranded on the same shores I'm stranded on; Whatever 'other perspectives' I might have. Well, those 'do' make me different. I 'still have hopes and ambitions'. But when you know that the only real way up is "this" - entirely predictable and as full of shit if not fuller as/than the alternative.

But then, how free are we - really? Even Birds aren't really all that free! Although their life ... or well, around how many 'nodes' revolve our lives, averagely? I mean, in a 'sad'-ish image we'd say there is only home and work; So, two - not counting the steps in-between. I for myself can even say 0 - or 1 if you count the Toilet - although then still 2 when including virtual reality, where the one (gaming) side does potentially extend into more; And then of course you can also add that 1 which is the place I'm sitting and sleeping and all that.
Oh, then there is outside stuff of course too. Every now and again here, then there - so - ... well, I don't say its pretty!

But so - what is Identity? I had to stop for a while and I hate images flashing through my mind; And eventually I've arrived in some GTA V ish environment - where this 'perspectivelessness' would pop into the Urban Environment of a Metropole. So - a sense of what people do to get around - and ultimately I want to draw a 'factor' into this web that the human being merely responds to; So, more in favour of drawing the responsibility to our actions as a matter of that 'system'. Well, ultimately of course we can throw in that we're still self responsible; But we can also say that the proper degree of responsibility is only an approximation considering that circumstances can make huge differences. So - lets call them 'Force Vectors'. Taking any University - there are ony a bunch of people that are going to make it there. There are further only a bunch of those that will make any use of it thereafter. Or a bunch that don't. However, thats where it begins. From a bottom-up perspective there eventually is occupied space and respectively closed doors. And these are ultimately restrictions that in combination with open doors "multiply" with the individuals 'identity' into a scope of possibilitites ... saying: The 'real life measurement' isn't always an ideal projection of identity.
Identity does more come to matter when seeing a sequence of images for instance - as in an art gallery; As what we individually take home from it - not including what we openly speak about. Kindof. So, our taste - or, from my frame of reference: "blips". A blip is ... imagine your taste as a wall that extends into the infinite void around us - like a grid video-game surface, lets make it green; Although, grid is bad. A blip occurs when you see something "that you then desire". So, this desire is like a circle appearing on that grid and from there extending outward, establishing cells that so grow into that given direction. That happens really fast - like a drop plopping into water, excluding the riffling. In and out and back in. Kindof. So - we can also compare that "mountain" to an altar that is built for whatever that blip is credited to.

And so, yea, depending on how our blips have grown ... we're respectively individual. But are we 'subject' to it? To ourselves?
Hmm ... that is actually I think a pretty existential question. It is I guess easy to make that apparent mistake of 'materializing' these images too much. Like, what are Gravity Waves? Gravity Waves are the differential of gravitational causality caused by fast moving massive objects. We could go and explain that by speaking of stones and water, but we can also try to explain that by explaining why that sentence is a proper explenation already. ... . In this sense 'materialization' is some abstract level of de-personalization. Like, lets talk about "the 'I'". We can take your 'I' into an abstract image and let it do strange things - can we? We can imagine it like a Crystal or Star inside of our mind - is that OK? Maybe - but - imagining it as either of the two won't really 'add' anything, it would rather be desturbing. Then - you would also have to update those images first, which means, no ... thats a different thing.
But are we? I would say that we 'are' subject to ourselves; And by the way, I experience that in a very unique way I guess. Depending on how we see it - and that really is more like an endless cycle - there is always some part of us thats subject to another. That cycles as in a sense, like, between introverted and extroverted figures.

And I so do I guess come to a way or sense of closing this topic for here.


What I want - all in all - that can very well extend (way) beyond the confines of my identity. After all, what I 'really want' is most true in the 'real time' value/sense. So, while I - within the Ninefold experience the Force as providing me some sense of reality to extend my identity on; There is more than just that within the wholeness of things that I in active real-time can/do observe. In that sense, the reason I "can" live on my Base 2 things, excluding Base 1 stuff (somehow), is for once that Base 1 stuff isn't there as an option; But also are these things just 'there' - within my reality scope; Which by the way comes its own way.

Essentially we can however say that elonguated isolation coupled with a respective exposure to individual belief has a given equivalence of influence; But still - the way God works with me on that Level tells its own story. Aside of those things however, the way how issues concerning stuff other than Bases 1 and 2 in my case usually get pushed to the outskirts - so - in a way of saying ... that my mind is drowning in cum.

Kindof. What I want to get at is that this in a sense is an abstraction, although in another sense its the effective truth, as the best way of putting it. I've been touching on the term of 'Leverage' - and I guess I can be somehow forthcoming in that I give you an estimate on the kind of leverage you'd have in terms of me and my identity.
First of all, the 'source' of this cum is "complicated" to explain; Except you flip the image around and allow some sort of stacking to occur that basically defines an inner 'logical sequence', pretty much like bits and pieces that make up a Virtual Reality. So - this in the sense of a 'default theme'. Or "placeholder" ... maybe 'screensaver'. More "true to the core" there's a variety of ways I can describe it. But, if the best sense is that to 'remove' Unification topics and so avoid any explenation of the images; Then its some mind-numbing feeling/experience that has a really negative thing to it unless I "turn around" and say "OK, flood me". But - its ... to be accurate it isn't just an "OK" - as the other way of describing it would be to describe it as Light. Light in a sense as in direct contrast to the inner darkness - the real and common one. And at some point, ... I mean, I'm at some point where just wanna be able to stick to my raw answer and let its logic appear in context to the rest while expressing the 'raw' state of affairs more accurately.
Its a thing, which - ... the amount of Leverage you'd have about it is relative to how much Leverage you hold on my privacy - and that can spin both ways. But where Identity is about what I'm looking for - then maybe the raw answer is an all in all endless exageration; But in a sense of 'extrapolated perfection' it is the kind of thinking that dominates my mind and therefore the kind of thing I all in all carry into society; Which isn't meant to stand as restricted to my private side although thats where it would matter in this context; While that context is however kindof "getting there". What context is getting where?
Well, the private contaxt - getting public/global one ...

But I guess the real way this is going to end has been beyond me all along. This is getting a lot --- too much actually to keep track of and meanwhile there are many other things that pop up or at least are already waiting to do so ... but I hope ... I mean, on the other side I perhaps should procrastinate and wind back and backer to get to the things more and "morer" some sort of an "at the end of the line"-ish question; Like what? What question? I for the heck of it can't make out any order right now - nothing that feels like it advances this whole in any meaningful way. Ish.


I mean - it is nice to have some verbal context; So - a formulated concern; Where I'm sure that after reading this most need to be somehow reconsidered; And then may well be "reborn" in the one or the other way; And yea - they kindof sotospeak do exist already; But thats really going on into infinity - sortof. 'Realtime' is about "updating the concurrent idea/perspective" - issues alike are whats driving me here; Not issues of going on forever without any real point or reason.
I mean - at least I do believe that I could successfully show a few ways of thinking that at the very least ... OK, 'truth' is not an issue about patterns that can be used to supplement a position of an argument because thats bullshit! Like I'm doing it right now; Sortof. So, essentially everyone makes its own truth and whoever holds anything against it is wrong - and in order to proof that we're gonna "talk about it" - give or take. But ... well, I've just seen a movie called 'Dracula Untold' - and that moment where the people figure that Vlad is a Vampire gives a pretty neat shot at what prejudice means in that sense. As for shades of good and evil. And if all we're doing is just reciting our own oppinion we're not diverging too far from "there" - saying, we're ... yea ... "autonomously conflicting". So - in a sense this 'normal', "Gadget Free" living, lets call it: 'static neutrality' is good for a reason of just moving conflicting ideas into the background; But its also in some sense a relious-ish confession, eventually getting there, ... uhm; I mean - its a way of avoiding conflict and prejudice and that eventually while pretending. But its hypocritical in that it isn't real eventually. I mean -

6. The Educated Answer

"Bla - and I know, but no ... and yes, but actually - ...". For once I know that the more "educated" we get the less we can actually say because, well, even Newton wasn't entirely right we can say. For every oppinion there's a counter oppinion and with Pluto being on Pluto (the Disney dog on the Nasa fotos ... ???) it seems like we're growing into an age where oppinion is everything; Which meets what I wanted to say which is that 'dominance' isn't a matter of knowledge but who can get the most money for/from the own oppinion!
And I'm all for stopping that! I mean, this whole verbal junk (that I'm admittedly contributing to in some form, but ...) - well, its vastly an issue of coordination. Or an interest in realness.

So - in that regard the issue of what 'the educated answer' really has to follow; ... lets put it that way: I've tried. I did really try to answer to complexities such as addiction or psychological trauma - and yea, maybe its gonna be interesting to know some more about how I experience the whole porn part; But effectively thats totally beside the point. After having been a bit more educated I can respond to the issue more effectively - but still. What does it matter? ;P - I mean ... I certainly can confirm stuff about addiction and what not having its effect; I also do get that 'novelty' means a great deal; And basically that "knowledge" has been bugging me, basically being a cynical-ish comment from the back of my head whenever I seemed like what I was looking at wasn't enough or something; As you might guess that I'm either always only interested in some 'one' for a short period and just holding on to 'one' for real to kindof "denie" that kind of argumentation - but really, at this point we can stop taking the topic seriously and either bat at each other with some blunt heavy objects (or being more civilized, though I eventually can't say that the conscious avoidance of colateral damage would be doing any good when the production of colateral damage is the point ... sortof) because - otherwise we're just gonna get louder at each other with the hope that one just drops from a stroke or something.
I mean, why would I make an effort of expressing things I can pretty much bet on to be taken the false way?! Yea - 'hope' - "simultaneously the source of our greatest strength and our greatest weakness".
And in all this mess it further does seem to me like ... I forgot.


But ... well; So - lets try and devise something.


Of course the first go to thing is the 'rational' answer - though rational is a way of saying "from [our] perspective". Which is a common sense thing (oh yea, thats what that what I forgot about was about). And where we don't have common sense, that should also be common sense, we're basically causing damage because supersticion - in one of its forms - comes in and takes over the show. Like - we all do have certain reasons to question the goods of modern psychology. Is it superstition that is bad, or that its good? Who knows? But I so happen to watch a movie called 'the Diabolical' right now; And that psychologer lady seems to fit right into that role of turning a good boy into a psychopath.
But - if we so introduce these concepts to our education we have to adjust and find a way to avoid 'silly rationalization'.

To do that, we can for instance look at any rationalization and understand 'how' it ties in. So - a bit like drawing a ladder, or stairway, and branching individual things off ... where addiction is usually more common than not - so - ... we can then say: We can test for addiction stuff; But the results will only be as 'real' as the issue thats being tested is a real addiction.
So, there's this TED talk I once watched that was about some guy getting a dictionary of sorts with all sorts of psychological disorders and he tested himself and found him suffering a wide variety of them; Which I mean to say with: Many things do fit onto a pot and 'do' cover them; But usually you wouldn't put your TV onto your cauldron.
I mean, some things only look like they fit - which from a more educated standpoint doesn't even remotely 'look' anyway alike!

And yea, about that movie and the good boy becoming a psychopath - I ... its usually "too beautfiul" when it turns out that I'm right! More than I expected. But ... who believes it?

OK - well ... (Now playing: Shaun of the Dead). I guess I'm being kindof stupid right now. Or ... ??? I anyway am out of Dope again, so, theres ups and downs to that. The major downside being right now the process of re-adjustment.

I'm no friend of reducing human behaviour to 'simple biological patterns' - in my understanding these are real, no doubt, but also only supplemental to what we are all in all. But yea, the more oblivious we are about the truth of our existence, the more we simply are biological organisms. Zombies ... perhaps. And ... I don't say I know it all better. I'm not unbiased and all that.
And I can dig how excusing myself from porn might or should make me get along better with women/girls; ... Oh damn, that movie is just too good!

Its a time issue, occupation, what the mind ultimately focusses on - but Porn isn't the only thing that should ... I mean, stories that arouse our fantasy just do the same. We even just need a situation of some kind and our mind is totally capable of filling out some blanks. Where we will find anyone guilty for something depends on where we're looking at - and then we'll find corresponding victims and so forth.
Like I can't really do any straight stuff in reference to straight stuff because that straight stuff isn't really tangible here, that is like the open expression for "we can just think of anything" ... and this says ... well, my mind can't handle it.

So, ... education eh. Whats that again??? ;)
OK - the movie is over now.


Uhm - what I so started to poke into takes us to a whole other area of shits ... and thats really gonna be the raw bones we got to chew through if we want any bettering. It isn't in the science or such - its more like common sense and what we believe; But that more in terms of: What we're ... uhm ... "conditioned to not look at/be bothered by". Like, how many politicians are really involved into child abuse? I mean not so much to shove blames around; And essentially what I know about is just hearsay; But really ... its more about the issue of supporting this "building"; Which is maybe looking like I'm shoving blame around - but looking at Politicians is really just the top Level of the whole nonsense. The trend is however still like ... well ... we're getting some idea of who the bad guys are, which is like looking down, looking at faces, being prejudistic and all that; Well, to the meaning that we're shutting ourselves into an illusion looking >down< upon the archetypes that are being 'convicted' or ... well, 'guilty' (if we can't touch them nonetheless) - where I mean, ... the issue is who can hide where and how. Hiding at first isn't a crime, OK, but such a throw-in would be - as for what I'm trying to tell you about here - a way of trying to start to get out of the line of fire!

Anyway I was writing about similarities. I guess (if I didn't delete it). But I guess the irony in there is that 'ignoring' any of that is really the better way to go; At lest as it helps us ... keeping ourselves out of getting drawn into troubles.
Same issue as "porn addiction"!
How?
I however can't say that Porn is responsible for my Kinks. I can also say that Porn is relatively un-interesting for me unless it pictures stuff I'm currently interested in; I mean, novelty ... yea, but I'm also stuck on some old stuff - which gets eventually boring and thats the same with almost everything ... anyway ... I guess a grand difference is that I relate to it more from a 'self identification' standpoint.
Anyway - the 'how' thing, the issue is "clickbait". Otherwise there are scandals - which is maybe another good point to linger on for a moment. There is good and bad, kindof always. There's a reason why we bunch up and get upset about stuff ... but there's also a reason why such 'dull crowd behaviour' isn't "the yellow of the egg". But to say that such stories give us a chance to see beyond the dull boring fassade of our lives, good enough.
But on another note: There is that idea, now, of watching porn being bad. Really, you should rather go out there and get some real game! Really? The reason why I don't is simply that I wouldn't - and the fact that I watch porn is something I don't want to see as a reason therefore. Thats what I ... we should give a name if it hasn't got one already. "Bait and Switch"? ish!
On the other hand there are also feelings like envy in play - or an idea of unfairness. Depending on how "sophisticated" we are, as in a matter of 'occupied' with stuff or actually legitimately busy ... I mean, we eventually only have "so much" time and 'ignoring' things is an inherant part of our ways of getting along! If you had to be shocked about every negative news flash of a week ... I suppose you'd soon get tired of that!


So essentially my educated answer has to be that, that I won't be able to give you one unless I'm "allowed" to "point out nonsense where I see it" - so, which takes me back to answer 1 and so forth.
I mean, thats my version of an educated answer - in that its neutral, free of ... well ... "scientific bias", not dependent on a sophisticated or shady theorem; And all in all it goes on about how I try to make sense of my life, or rather: How I 'feel' ... myself or make peace with myself. And that isn't a matter of watching porn. I mean, maybe it sounds worse than it is. In the recent ... month or so, I had a few reasons to watch porn or otherwise expose myself to it. It to me is something, for once, more tangible than just imaginations. Thats how I eventually started; And I was arguably more creative - but it wasn't really that good either. Not 'seeing' true reality, thats what I take home from it, puts us back into the situation of the old cavemen, kindof. I mean - how did we get "here" - today? With all this tech? It took time! A lot of time! We had to learn, we had to move on or settle - and that all did in some way grow into our "historical understanding" - where, if we just ignore things we're blocking ourselves from potential insight. In porn that may be all trivial - but from working in a BDSM Studio I learned from a look at a checklist of kinks that it helped me out a lot! That wasn't/isn't even porn! And I don't think everyones heartbeat rises when reading the letters CBT! I mean, I'm not really into it! (Cock Ball Torture). But to some thats porn, I guess!
When it gets to mysogeny or the classic cliche of men submitting women - well, that something I would say is only symptomatically showing up in Porn; Despite the fact that in some sense its nothing 'bad' per se, as in another sense I agree to the concerns people have about influences that may have on their children! Same as with Video Games. Eventually we all learn to be proud of ourselves for 'defeating the evil' of whatever adventure we were travelling through, which is good, but eventually that grows into an unhealthy, power fantasy fuelled self-esteem; Which can be turned to look good again; But in reality its still so that heroes, ... well ... have a harder time (than that)!

The thing is - I don't really know why I am writing all this - except that I don't feel like this is over. But - I guess a good picture of how I feel about this is like a tornado of random objects and question marks whirling around my head. And yea, from that I essentially gather that there is a (felt) shitload of stuff that I actually didn't bother to discuss or solve properly; Like - I'm sure I was headed into a lot of stuff that I eventually didn't get to because I was distracted by ... myself maybe. And mentioning it, this, really helps me getting back down to the ground ... and that, well, because ... I mean yea ... as the saying goes: First of all its different and secondly than you think! Its what calls us back to the ground, usually, ... I mean, unless you got a machinery working for you to basically pretend that you never make any mistakes - so you rely on that and no harm can ever come your way - so, for most people these are the things. Its life in a sense.
For me at least it is. SO, for a change I come to the recognition of that before I left off. Uhm ... kindof.
Sortof.


And the reason why I like 'vaguening' things up is because I know that my potential knowledge is by the way rather limitted! But what can I do?
I mean, OK ... whats praying gonna do for me? I mean, its one of the possible answers that in this sense would project some sense of a miracolous solution into this ... which would look ... how? I mean, "by the way", God never claimed that He had an easy time with us - so - how is my experience gonna be any better? Well ... yea, if I maybe start to be ignorant, ... so ... "nonsense" like that doesn't bother me anymore.
And it comes with the bonus that I can shit-talk all the way down shit-creek ... and perhaps get a few chicks laid in progress. Ah yea - why not make that the next topic?

So, apparently when I turn on my "I don't give a shit about anything" mode, the first 'good' -end all be all- thing is to get laid with some chicks. OK - I kindof know where that is coming from - and mostly thats about positive feedback. I mean, I know that I'll then be what I do, sortof, in the sense that my life will be rather meaningless and all the meaning I can add to it is gonna be good, so, getting laid is kindof one of those things that does that! And the reason why I'd get laid with chicks isn't only because I'm into women, but also because dealing with homosexuality is gonna get too complicated ... "too deep" sotospeak ... so I rather keep it flat and simple, listen to poetic hip hop, retro-style my apartment and get myself some controversial interests I can break conversations with, spin things around, appear smart while also being capable to switch topics ... except I'm pushed into a corner or whatever.
Yea - I'm kindof extremely cynical about that!
It are those kindof people, which is certainly a drawer in my head, that do have it extremely easy; And that kindof makes me crazy. They are somewhat like the goons of a Video Game that keep popping up in that "one annoying Level" where you wish you just had some ultimate map clearing AoE ability.
I mean, whats the point in arguing to someone who's religion is ignorance mixed with arrogance?
They aren't the ones causing trouble, that would be one of the things they can say - and nothing would appear wrong about that except that its in that very picture where the truth is that they undoubtedly are! Kindof.

Thinking about the getting laid bit a bit further - well - it seems to me as though my 'real concerns' are too heavy. I mean, in the end the whole thing can be as easy as wondering: The one with the pink or the cyan top? ... once being totally drunk! Once I then got laid I can make a big deal out of it, gathering the nimbus of "hey look at me! I got game!" ... and sorry that I can't switch into any kind of 'easy mode' whatsoever. Its just a thing - ... .

But so I just realize ... to really get to an answer, as to move on ... I guess I really am Porn addicted, although ... I mean OK. One of the real issues thats bugging me is the fact that Porn and a Relationship don't really seem like they go well together. At least once the question is shifted into an either-or question I find it difficult to find a sane answer for me. But that mostly because I don't like to be "baitswitched". I also kindof can't agree to any demands if I myself can't really return the favour. Its like ... "yea, because I'm a good guy" I might, but I for myself ... I ... don't see anything 'in myself' that behaves like that. But then I'm also the kind of guy that doesn't return a Burger at McDonalds because something is wrong with it although I have the right to ... and such things. I also recently wanted to return some new shews I bought and she wouldn't accept them. Other people are however so good at it ... I should next time maybe ask him to return stuff for me!



OK - less half-arsing but more full-arsing? So ... maybe this way: The reason why I love watching porn (I guess this isn't a real thing though, like ... this isn't really why) is because every now and again I find one that turns me on. And yea - lets talk about that! The so far 'urban legend' I hear is that from watching porn we turn into mindless mysogenistic zombies ... and I can see where thats coming from or why we should take that seriously; But ... oh yea. There is a "drag" - and that is a more common thing, though, science would usually refer to it via hormonal reactions or things going on in our brain, stimuli, dopamine and all that. So - I would also name 'inertia of our mind'. So - if the consensus is that from watching too much porn people eventually realize a given detachment from reality, its for once 'that' what I have to mention; While on the other side there's that 'drill' our brain gives us that makes it harder for us to detach from it. So - a given discomfort. Like - you would probably like this better if you could tell that you wouldn't have to do anything to make all of the good happening. Maybe because you're generally ashamed you would however not even bother giving me a like of some sort.
Now - the thing for me with porn isn't only that; And I'll admit more happily that those things affect me too if we can establish that it isn't all and everything. But, if you removed the addiction there will still be stuff left - and that would eventually re-ignite the addiction and so the real question is: What is that stuff? Can that be removed? And how would it affect the previous answers?
Well - so we're getting 'back to it' - and yea, 'back' to it even if it seems like we've never been there. The question is: Could my previous answers be affected by addiction? Can the whole 'Force stuff' really be just a self-deluding way of ignoring the "obvious"?
And I would pass that question to you! And some would undermine my statements and say 'yes'. And that is kindof why I don't wanna go that way!

Well ... "the story with my Knife". I do have a swiss knife - and I bought it because I had to move from the streets into a room and I obviously needed something to make my food with. I mean - it seemed a good idea. But it sortof ... well, there is this weird thing about it that isn't really a matter of the knife itself but something in the metaphysical. So ... what I mean is that ... you could say that "it wants" me to kill myself with it. Thats however more like coming from within myself. There is a strong force of some sort (not 'that' Force) - where, if I were to follow it I'd take it, thrust it into myself and get done with it. Its sometimes even strong enough to kindof scare me ... and yea, I kindof sometimes do have a desire to die, as to then 'be' done with it, but I don't really wanna kill myself. I don't have any reasons to ... or at the very least are these knife related things really apparent to me. But its coming from somewhere inside of me - but I can't really find 'the place'. There is as I tried to say no logic or reason that really takes me there. And why on earth would I want to use a knife for that?
There are better ways to die!
It is however that kind of force that I would also suggest lingering in that "drag" or "menthal inertia". Its the same thing that happens to me once I run out of dope. I mean, its sortof funny. Once I ran out of dope, well, nothing too bad! I mean - eventually its getting there; But ... eventually I find myself (I know that it happens also during weekends because it 'is' weekend right now) doing my regular thing, like, playing a game, watching stuff on YouTube, writing here ... whatever ... and then I eventually have to take a piss and the moment I'm leaving this room I feel like ... overcome by some urge - but all it does is making me feel really stupid! Maybe there's more to it but right now I really can't tell what! Well, except in the way it fits along my Knife story - and I guess I should warn you that you might mistake those things for the kind of Force things I've been telling you about.


So, back at Masochism - I guess there are a lot of other things you could be talking about that aren't Sex related but still dealing with the same issues and concerns! But as I see my sexuality getting compromised I, as the person I am, pray to God and wonder - but He never really told me to change! Uhm ... I mean, not in the way that makes sense this way. More like pushing me to the limits - to make me see beyond; And I'm not talking about limits of 'more', although eventually that was a thing at some point too. Its more like about not letting me forget that these sex fantasies aren't everything; And I must say that my Base 2 things would be just that kind of stuff that would allow me to forget that quite easily! That because of the harsh contradiction of what 'reality' is about. I sit at my computer and do stuff, while the rest of my life is either just "System Bullshit" or me trying to get some sleep. So I turn towards what I know comforts me - and yea, I guess on that note I really can get to what turns me on; And I guess the whole porn addiction stuff applies (I can't be turned on that easily anymore) - although the whole 'racing for the extremes', though it went on it also ended at some point after which I returned to re-connect with other things; And in the end - what really gets me going like ... good porn ... is the/a right inner religious alignment.

So - if you're bothered by me confsessing to Satanism, let me tell you shortly about how that looks in reality: So, I would go to bed, try to sleep, and think of what I believe in - perhaps from being bothered by various thoughts I take with me into my bed. Or matrace. There were those episodes we could call courting the and dating with Satan, corresponding enthrallment/bondage/attachment whatever - but at the end of those roads its never the things I learned to enjoy that give me any pleasure - but an internal acceptance of the religious matters that then works just like flipping a switch. And generious as God is ... I mean yea - its a thing - and so is it a thing that I didn't have to be puzzled about it for long. If I am bothered enough to believe that this religious alignment is nonsense and try to "think sane" - not that I don't sometimes just lay down and just think - I get bothered and some comforting presence somehow calms me down, lets me think back about it and it all goes well. Now, what is this 'religious alignment' you may wonder - and it is that I'm worshiping a particular person; Not God or Jesus; And usually ... I mean ... I love her. But ... its really that notion of me worshipping her 'plus' the bid to her to make me her slut - that as prayer - is just ... wrapping me up so comfortably that it kindof is my sole quantum of solace in my entire existence.
If thats now an educated answer, the continuation is to wonder what it means to be 'her slut' - and essentially I'm left to wonder about that myself, except that the things that happen are basically telling the other side of the story which kindof leans towards/into the raw answer.

And well, if we can say that physical pain or pain at all is necessary for a Kink to be considered Masochism ... then that would be a word to use; While - in proper BDSM terms I guess I'm just devote. And in some sense thats a masochistic devotion; But yea, I guess this term could solve the 'Masochistic but not' dilemma. And one of the questions I for real meant to touch on and solve here is about those kinds of Kinks; Though I figure that the answer used to be so easy I never came to bother because I'd give plenty of answers along the way. But so, if we think of Kinks as 'Glitch Behaviour' - we'd wonder how we could get rid of it - and this concern is basically what I'm pivotally disturbed by.
So yea - you kindof have to expect talking to dull ears in some sense, when talking to me about these matters; But so - even further, I wouldn't want to talk about these matters even with people I clarity-wise am bonded with; At least not in this sense. On the one side it doesn't matter because there isn't anything I really feel like talking about (both ways), while on the other end I see it as integral to my life so I don't have a reason to make it some kind of a thing ... like ... because we're that kind of people - which doesn't make sense but well.
What I had on mind is to find some way of explaining how these "horrible things" are actually not horrible - except, when talking about a Kink for drinking Piss or eating Shit that is certainly not gonna look like making it sound 'yummie'. Whats more comfortable to me - although its kind of a centric thing for me - is to just call it a Kink. That works because thats in the end ... a thing! I mean, that things that totally aren't relevant by any means, from a personal perspective, become sortof dominant - and that maybe partially because of some weird things that we could call manipulative. But as social ritual it makes totally sense - and thats how all the 'Light/Force feelings' come into play - and if you ... I mean ... yea ... thats the point! The issue or question or poblem with how that can be a thing! Concerning God.
I can however say that I 'do' like the idea - toilet Kink specifically in this sense - and that mostly because of the way it feels; But is that exactly ... what essentially or "eventually" matters in social reality! What are the things we can do that make us all feel good or better?
Where 'all' is at some point not all and everyone communitatively - but the individual group thats dealing with each other.
Maybe toilet Kink isn't right away apparent - but, just as example: If people are supposed to deal with me sexually, the toilet kink makes it so that there is a way of invoking me socially whereby I'm 'lessened' - which means, that experience does/can serve as a basis to kindof 'see me in my place'. That is a thing where something like 'false sympathy' can really destroy the whole thing. So, without a reasonable way to kindof 'lever' social conditions into an idealistic thing we'd be stuck ... like, on a movie night without snacks. Its right about the social meta - where - if the idea weren't to humiliate me, it were to sortof get me to stand up ... sotospeak ... and we could eventually blow the whole Kink suff right out of the window. And then we'd be standing/sitting there like Agend Smith in Matrix Reloaded after Neo flew off.
Its not a good thing, because, well - you know - 'purpose'. Its even 'good enough' at that point to say that we can use it as an indicator. If that Kink lives on, all the rest will live on with it. Else ... yea, pretty much all answers so far were/would'vebeen bullshit!


And in that sense I don't see where this 'can' be going. Though waiting until I maybe change, well - thats one of those "complicated" issues, or was. It used to be quite hard to write about that stuff considering that these were smoe sort of inpenetrable philosophical problems that shouldn't have been that difficult. Its however so that if I'm wrong, I'm not getting it! And thats what ... "they" didn't or wouldn't seem to get. That eventually life, peace, social harmony and all that is a matter of mutual effort.
But maybe that wasn't even the problem.
I mean, on the flipside it means that there was or still is stuff to explain. So ...

I guess we can all somehow agree that what I'm reporting is psychological stuff - and as it is with psychology, what we get in the social scope are, well, we can call that symptoms. Between hiding and expressing whats within us, there are forces inside of us that motivate us, but sometimes also hit against us. To point fingers at each other because we "might explode" is like saying that Lighters shouldn't exist because they can (explode). And now I just got to write a few sentences with the word 'profound' in it and this will look a lot better.

I mean - what could we expect of this? I'm essentially talking whole new stuff - you're essentially wondering about Psychology when Unified - and naturally its not all inherantly compreh... oh, well - never mind. But so, even more those that don't are gonna become burdains; At least for me, here - but then, "what does this say?" - you know where it goes and this is running in cycles about whether or not I'm allowed to have Sex or not or something like that. And why? Because, lets spell it out, I say/believe we're sexually not all equals! And why? The best word I can find right now is 'settling', like in "smoke settling down". Or, matter. I mean - in the sense of how the Universe shaped as of Gravity. Like so, there's a distribution of matter and as gravity kicks in it clumps up due to its minor and major irregularities and the result is gonna be samey each time that were to happen, but the reality will yet look slightly different. And what if someoen can't accept this, at this point? I mean - I can't get it into my head.

---

Then, eventually things stick together, so, people that is - they get along in some way; Eventually some more intimately than others; And finally so - the beginning happens to be the end, kindof. If I am to change, I'll make it up to the Lord, to God, and so we're back to the start for sure. Why on earth would I want to believe that that shouldn't be the case!? So far my story was the "If He does/doesn't tell me to ..." - kindof, like, if He says I'm alright then I'm alright! Full stop. And if we have a problem 'here' - on this very issue - we're totally not gonna get along well together - and so, your talk, not an issue!
I'm trying, but eventually the bucket is full - and if I am/was the one who made a mistake I'd want to know that there are people who got my back that I can count on, kindof, to do the same as well (trying) - so there's all in all better chance to get things right. And I know that you/people aren't entirely dumb, so - ... ... but it turns out that the definition of what "loose ends" are depends on your point of view!
Uh - yea.
And if you wanna quote the Bible on me be sure to pick words of Jesus! You might be lucky cause I'm a bit rusted in on that end.

But so, that all is kindof part of the answer what Unification is about - or Enlightenment for a maybe commonly better received word. //ad2016.August.22-03:47 a.m.