Daeryabaar.com - Writings | Identity and More (vol 2)

Can I call it 'abusing my leverage' what I do here? Wow! Leverage!
I mean, can I consider myself actually menthally ill - as 'Post Traumatic Stress' or ... I mean, in my case the way that would be valid is equal to being Schizophrenic and Paranoid. I defend myself against issues that, from my perspective, don't even exist in the public space, arguing with people I never saw or don't even know 'do' exist. I would say that is kindof crazy.

What happens to me there, or 'happened' - its actually quite interesting. I'm there - somehow ironically - 'driven out of my identity' - as, what I say I am isn't accepted - so - what am I ... legitimately ... at that point? Yea, so the thing: You are what people that know you think about you! I mean, from how I used to get to it: Identity is defined by the beloved ones! So - if I love someone and that person loves me back, I kindof have all I need; So the idea. I am who that person sees in me - and all I need to live up to is that persons expectation, or knowledge rather.
So - as I turn myself, as I see myself, subject to my own analysis; The following happens: What I start to analyze, as a part of myself, is detached from the part of myself that does the analyzing - which is basically already showing how 'split personality' is just an inch away.
As a matter of how severly that truth is real in my regard is, that well, by arguing about certain things that basically in some stence start to conclude around my ... I can't even really give it a straight label! What am I? Transgender? Transsexual? "Pseudo-Trans"? But yea, the female parts of me become an abstract thing; And ... thats only perpetuated by the fact that I don't choose to live it publically as I don't really see a ... 'good' point. There certainly are a few things ... but its ... I shouldn't jump into this struggle and argument and stuff like this!

So ... breathe in, breathe out ... OK!
First things first!

I can feel it inching in on me; But that would only add up to my oppinion about it - and I realize, it is one of those issues that needs to be adressed publically, properly. Hate-speech, cyber-bullying ... uhm, the idea that certain Feminist activity to me pretty much seems like an invention of "the Devil". I mean, I ... ... its not only that. There is, to get that out of the way first of all, to my understanding, ... well, only one true way, saying, Feminism or whatever opposes it or left and right and what not - you got the idea! If you're that kind of person I (would) appreciate reading my things - its all bullshit 'if' ... I mean, we can simply put it information technologically. if(__ideology(crowd->person_speaking) == __ideology(reality->bullshit)) { return "this sucks!"; };.
In other words: Unless I make a big show out of my female side I'm legitimately nothing, ... kindof. That however of my own doing; And someone who understands that can technically abuse that; And there isn't much I could do.

I'm not a woman, ... and I acknowledge that by choosing not to expose myself as such in my current situation in real life I kindof choose to rather benefit of my male biology than ... well. Starting this way is already feministic in a sense, but from my perspective; Well, its still mostly a matter of douchy assholes ... by the way, types of people I've run accross, or, ... ran accross me, during the time I was prostituting myself. Its ... its actually so laughable; Like ... proud men, we might assume, acting so ... like, ... but thats not the point!
But theres a reason for the variety of 'men are stupid' jokes amongst prostitutes.

My main thing is that if I want to talk about feminism, rights of women, etc. - I find myself in this dumphole, because I - from my own perspective - hold the oppinion of a woman. Which is weird however because I really haven't developed the public identity (self awareness) of a woman. I mean - its weird from my own stance, to myself, because I kindof wonder: What gender does my oppinion have?

Naturally one would or should take my oppinions "gender" as of what I am, or for that matter: The oppinion of a woman is the oppinion of a woman. But ... so, 'what' am I?
It does matter, sortof. Even more since I potentially have a wider experience to scoop from. And more. If I'm a guy however, you can easily dismiss me if I don't "Yes and Amen" all Feminisitic/pro-LGBQT things that there are. "What? I have an issue with LGBQT". I got to say that I'm set off into this writing because of some things I've seen; Well, that 'perception-processing-feedback' loop of perpetually aggrovating oppinions; And the things that are quoted as Feministic oppinions would certainly in a sense apply on me. I try to be recognized as a Whore while however not in a sense thats flatout monochromatic; I mean - I don't want or need any "whore standards" to be applied on me; Where the problematic thing is to see it as an Identity matter first of all and not a "dreamjob (in this world)" kind of thing.
I mean, it still kindof is for certain reasons, but it is equally problematic for others. I'm not really optimistic about it either ... wrrr ... let me proceed.

The thing is that I'm not necessarily LGBQT "stuff" friendly - which is to me pretty much as to many others some weird movement that kindof blows the integrity of our society apart to basically desensitivize us to intellectual reason while practically turning us more and more into that/a mindless hate-mob that sarcastically put considers pitchforks and torches a 'must have' item first graders already need to learn all about!
To me there's a balance though. For a while there is the very same problem that makes it difficult for homosexuals or women to be themselves; But then at some point the balance changes and the whole movement goes downhill ... the other way.
In some sense that may be a more fundamental problem of this society - that oppinions aren't properly heard and therefore even less properly resolved, so ... there are Feminists that still believe that women don't have enough rights and (*caugh*) eventually find their way to the UN to whine about YouTube.

What I then find most offensive about feminism is that it so boldly basically shits on people like me. I mean, I 'am' a bit scared here because I have the worry that I'm kindof alone on this, I mean, which means ... there is a wide group of people that isn't even heard. Although ... I've read articles, so ... which are things I have to sidestep because ... I'm at the very least not confident enough of having that 'femme fatale' attractivity to really 'be' in Love with 'being' the Sex-Object; Which in the end is more important to me than being allowed to complain about men doing their thing!
And furthermore - by the way: The way women are pictured in games is equal to how men are pictured in games. The men are usually not your typical average guy; And where the guys are more like 'real people' - the women usually are as well. And I would argue that if you're into Video Games and you want to have a female avatar, ... well, you wouldn't be mad about being attractive! Right?
Just like every guy ... except in Dark Souls maybe ... (although, if we narrow things down to the weapons ... still valid) would also appreciate to ... well, look rather male! I don't think there's a huge market for the ... MMORPG where all men can only dress in Pink and wear foam weapons. Except we narrow our population down to 'those' feminists. Not even the counterpart to mysogenistic men - basically Dominas - would really dig that because as far as I can tell, well, they are into ... well ... men, unless they happen to be lesbians!
I mean, there are women that specifically look for guys like ... you find in places ... that are known for ... well ... Hells Angels kind of Material. Perhaps "victimized Prostitutes" - but - the way I know those women I wouldn't really call them all that victimized-ish. Maybe because in pleasant company they kindof switch off that dark weird world - and I'm sure that in other issues I've got this very sentence would actually be the opposite to what I'd be about, but ... then we're so deep into details that we really can't generalize jackshit!
Except ... well ... lets ... thats another topic.

Also - I assume that the people that complain about ... "Videogames are Mysogenistic" kind of statements are people more like me, than that mysogenistic Hells Angels biker. Such a person wouldn't even care about that! But I'm angry because I don't consider myself Mysogenistic but for weirdly being alright with certain things I'm turned into one.

If I have to take these Feminists seriously (I figure I better get this topic done with straightly 'first', and analyzie and go on afterward) - I have to believe that they are the worse case emergence of ... some form of inferiority complex. And by worse case I also mean, well, really really complicated. I would have to suggest/believe that they really believe, first of all, that they are to exist as what they say women are "portrayed for" or "demanded to be" ... I mean yea ... thats sortof required for their arguments to even have a basis - so, they believe they have to dress like hookers and sell their bodies and be dumb and all that. And istead of using their 'rights' to just 'not' become that, they blabbertalk shit on the internet and what not. And because I have a problem just taking it this way, I have to assume that there is some major conspiracy going on against the Video Game industry!

Thats a nut to crack! Because ... "why"? The short answer to me would go back the old way, saying, its ... well, as some people say that feminists undermine our societies fundamental ideas of justice and liberty - thats kindof the point. And while they may very well sample their own BS as 'bad' - once the pressure kicks in there are those that have the resources to stand on their own and others that will possibly go missing. Examples? I - I ... well, ... not really. But ... its basically obvious from an experiment of thought standpoint already. So, for once such an undertaking would begin 'in theory', so ... as a plan. And a plan can also fail - and I'll see to that for sure! More problematic is the realization. The more you know about "everything" - the more you know that others don't. So - being a fan of (early) Capcom and Square(soft) (Enix) products; And being a "Sony Fanboy"; I kidnof whitnessed a part of history - and, how some companies seem to have some edge upon others in terms of various things (So, EA when it gets to hideous pricing and DLC philosophy - for instance) while others seem to cluelessly follow suit (Final Fantasy 15s GODAWFUL DLC philosophy (its not even out yet!)) - is already sortof ... "the thing I see". Then, when social pressure comes up, ... I mean, hey, is it an accident that in FF15 all protagonists are all of a sudden male? Final Fantasy 'NEVER' (we can I guess exclude the early NES titles as being more gender neutral ... actually) so far had a unisex hero cast! So yea, wow ... there's one!
Its not a 'falling behind' yet per se - but if the Artwork, setting and 'Story potential' wouldn't have caught my interest I'd be genuinely put off by it. There is a difference between homophobia and being uncomfortable when only surrounded by men!
I mean, "being surrounded by men" ... well, in terms of FF15 its more claustrophobic and I'm sure I/we can sortof ignore that anyway ... but in the room of my mind where FF15 is - its weird!

So - the problem is here that there is a given 'defenselessness' against 'the Shitstorm' - while those companies that are attached to the conspiracy that causes it - well - they are essentially untouched because they know exactly whats going on and possibly just 'mysogenistically ignore' that - and hence get off better in the end!

Yea! 'Busted!'

But back to taking Feminists seriously. I get it! The internet holds a problem. But I don't really see where the problems that feminists have issues with excludes them even a bit! And actually - Feminism is the worse! See, since our society has adapted to rights of women and we're all fine with it (at least ... in the healthy sense, and thats: ALL except those few douchebags that I actually count (these) feminists to!) - they pop up and use that 'face' of "oh no, we can't hurt or offend them because they're women" ... you see where I'm going? Its flatout ... 'naughty' ... in a 'Tea-bagging you after a cheese kill' kind of way. (Tea-bagging: Repeatedly hitting the crouch-button at the point where the opponent got shot while his 'camera' is focussed on his "corpse" as a general act of humiliation ("I live, you not! Eat it!")).
In a sense we can compare those feminists to those 'cute' tiny aliens from Galaxy Quests that then turn out to be nasty dangerous beasts!
But actually even worse! They're quite literally abusing our good will and protective senses to ... uhm, OK, back to taking them seriously!

At some point I can though only be cynical about it and have to utter the suggestion that they're actually really what they believe woman should not be - which is a weird sentence to actually think about. What women should be. I mean, they talk about pictures and support their arguments by pointing out that there are people hating on their oppinion. Thats whats going on. I however - I find it extremely hard to now, taking it seriously, find an actual 'thing'. Like, whats the point?

So, I have to have my own oppinion about it - and I have to kindof figure out what theirs is to begin with, so ... I'm basically required (or wanted?) to totally use my own brain - except thats what pretty much any 'Anti-Feminist' does; And no matter how profound their arguments are - they're counted to "the Hatemob" - so, I kindof start to see a pattern there!
And where will they 'stop'? Thats a good question to ask! I mean - if we can settle that we're 'there' already they'll say that we're not - I suppose - so, going out of the way of any established ... well, yea, if ... I mean, I can dig why they wouldn't comply to my established understanding.

So - in another sense, "shooting into my own foot" (once again), my kind of argumentation here only sheds further light on my other problems with 'my oppinion' - because my mind seems to somehow be wired into a uni-directional analysis ('biased' - though more stressing a given illness of some deeper rooted religious craziness) ... uhrgh ... fuck that!

What I realize is ... and thats the real bummer (*formeanyway*) ... that a worry or hunch I had a good while ago (years maybe) - that I see a lot of 'the ways' that I used to argue with other people (vastly through my writing), pattern wise, emerges in their (and other peoples) way of arguing or presenting themselves intellectually. I had the 'hunch' that if I take my arguments as relating to an unverified truth, you can use the ways I argue in defense of any given bullshit - and by being constantly put into doubt by "myself" (the knife story (*caugh*)) I get to change my approach over and over again, basically supplementing "them" with new ways of defending their *nonsense*. Mmmm...yea!

But I try to adjust to that and so focus more on the point than on the appearance; Which is really hard for me! Its ... like in Street Fighter, I mean, trying to be good at it! Eventually you, while playing, acquire habits - and the better you get, you also get setup against better players and then habits eventually become problematic. I've previously seen a Video of some well known Street Fighter community person (UltraChenTV) (I'll probably come to link to the Video at some point) and saw him facing the same problem. There's a mechanic called 'Crush Counter'. That means that one specific attack of a Character has a higher impact on the opponent when hitting him during an attack (therefore: Crush Counter) - and while he was playing he loudly complained about his inability to properly 'learn' the right move, as he was constantly doing the wrong one. And its not a complicated one! Its like the difference between kick and punch. Or just that! I don't know if its crouch or stand. Its one particular so called 'normal' however.
The thing is 'muscle memory'. It happens because SF essentially is really really complex! I mean, judging from the amount of things a person has to be aware of and evaluate in a short amount of time, like, switching between crouching, standing, jumping, blocking, moving forward within split moments, ... I mean, the fight is a dynamic whole (and there, yea, I'm greatful for SFV because this topic would just be a horrible pain in the arse if we had to judge in terms of Street Fighter 4!!!!!!!) - and while we can compare it to tug-of-war theres a lot more involved into what decides upon which direction the thing is going. (The video is named: 'AlmostAA: Educational SFV Ranked Matches w/jchensor (5.52)' uploaded on the 22nd of August - and the whole Video should provide a pretty straight idea of SFV to any outsider, though, for the short version you can I guess skip the first 2 hours).
So, the way I actually come to tackle that problem is, well, I don't! I'm just lucky and essentially hoping that the lucky turns of my life over time basically erode my errors! So - inspiration as the water that slowly chips off chunks of the problematic rock of my heart. And that, by the way, is not a black-and-white kind of thing! We can say that everything about an individual is essentially problematic. But so we adjust to changes - eventually. Though, in my case its so that there is a counter-pole that essentially opposes a simple ordered fact focussed way of doing things. There is just 'the Universal Fact' - and then all the stuff that kindof goes against it; And therefore basically its defense that takes manifestation within stuff. At first that may seem like 'even more' - but - if you realize how it emerges from one and the same thing it all loops back and thats what I want to basically hold to your attention. I mean, it at least pops up here as one thing I can heartily embrace!

Alright - I got dope again! But - I'll not right away hit the pot!
Although ... I'm kindof at the point where I don't really feel like I have a lot to add, so - back to the original issue.

I have had to realize that my relationship to women, or the way I relate to them, is utterly broken. I - figure that I simply have too much respect of them to be effective at coupling stuff. Its possibly one of the symptoms of me actually not being a legitimate guy. I'm inherantly "wired" - for lack of a better terminology - to basically let her express interest before I essentially dare to really believe in even the possibility that there might be a chance for such; And then I'm even picky!
OK, seriously - if I were to analyze that problem in regards of me being a guy, the problem really is that I never really had a/the chance to get to a point of mutual sympathy and then not being in the friendzone. Or some other somehow problematic situation. OK, except for ... 'Lady Samantha'. But she's in some way the huge 'stop' sign that reality put into my way, because ... while she was my one "legitimate" girlfriend, it was once again not that legitimate for once (it was more of a sex-friendship, with BDSM and petting instead of Sex ... and then shit made it kindof stagnate and then circumstances ... ahw, whatever) - and thereby kindof not only telling me why, but thereby also confirming me in 'that' I don't even have to get my hopes up because my life is kindof like scripted so I won't get any girlfriend like ever ... leaving this narrow path with a potential happy ending that I however may until then only dream of.

I guess I really am addicted to Marijuana. I started to get nervous, I smoked a few crums, I now am kindof shivering, increased heartrate probably - but in a sense ... that doesn't tell the whole story. I have to call it 'the plug'. My best way of relating to it is in relationship to prostitution, or more so: The fact that I only seem to be 'allowed' to have Sex with prostitutes (I mean, when paying for it). I really understand that because ... well, for once I'm not particularly wealthy, so, its more of an exception when I have Sex - at all. I guess this year is so far zero, and last year - except for that massage, I kindof don't know ... I guess, maybe once. Twice at max! But ... what I mean is that eventually I had positive and negative experiences throughout the years - and from getting used to (even) less - the times I did stuck out even more. And I happened to realize - granted, its more of a "subjective average" kind of evaluation - that those times that were fairly alright were basically fueled by an "unplugged" interest that basically overrides my reason and I can't concentrate anymore so I just have to silence that "desire". Its however more like just an idea - based on the fact that, well, I have money (could effort it); And that idea sortof gets me then. But ... it isn't always that when I have that idea based on a possibility that this feeling does occur. For this month for instance I had the all-over feeling that I'll have the money; But I didn't have that 'surge'. By now I've possibly spent the equivalent of money - and essentially I've bought a cooling socket for my PS4 and Dark Souls 3. The socket would be important because I didn't really have a good way of placing it in my room other than a really shitty spot with lots of dust issues. So - it wasn't ideal. And well, God even at some points basically scolded me for so recklessly using it. And yea, once God does that its really a serious thing. I mean, I am 'now' feeling regrets - because, although its still working fine ... there is some uncofmortable feeling left. There was really a bunch of dust I had remove at some point and various corners are effectively stained. And that is already bad enough - actually.

So yea - I do really strongly believe (not in entirely universally applicative sense though) that ... well, a lot of things actually can be stated here. I could be naughty and add: God has our backs! Its just as true - but, that to my experience still through my own self. I by the way and for the record in case I missed it, practiced the Mormon idea after I was baptized. I stopped smoking; But well, although I wasn't consciously trying to get laid or actually having any conscious clue at all to begin with, when it got to that topic I would describe my behaviour back there nowadays as weird. Chaotic. Irregulated. I was busy minding my studies and the whole sexual stuff was more of a thing that eventually sprung into my mind, something I found myself somehow embracing in a weird way while being in some sense a powerless bystander. And actually we're talking about masturbation, porn (far from 'a lot') and expressed ideas (writing). But, I can so choose to believe that I am/was sick/ill (which I did) - or that its just me (which I do). In the first sense I can stress myself further into the dilemma of guilt, remorse and self-mutilation; Which I tried (But each dildo I threw away kindof ... really feels like a loss! And that weirdly even greater than most of the things I've lost throughout my lifetime) - and it is still extremely abstract to the spiritually infused certainty of salvation coupled with the humble evaluation of the own self as ... well ... I mean hey, I stopped smoking! I felt 'clean' - even if I masturbated. I acknowledge, that feeling kindof went away after I started to smoke again, but, that might be a mis-evaluation because it co-incides with other things - like my crush on J.Lo and a growing confusion about what I'm supposed to do that its hard to tell.
And to really have a good oppinion about it you should at the very least be Baptized; In which sense my first concern were however more a matter of the fact that being Drunk after my Baptism sortof felt different than being drunk prior to it. Oh yea - there certainly are episodes of my life that I kindof forgot about. Like "that party" where I did drink the first time after my Baptism - and the fact that being drunk is still essentially the same thing. There is a larger awareness of it - but, although in a perceptively altered way, still ... 'drunk' (in both: Perception and Behaviour).

I strongly believe that footwashing is the big mysteries key to the corresponding solution. So, a given feeling was lost at some point and I have a hard time of figuring out when, where or even how. I suppose, since the Bible kindof hints at it, (there isn't much about it in the Bible to begin with. If the first notion you find is in the Gospel of John, we're thinking of the same passage), that footwashing will re-activate this clean feeling - and in case I botch up again I'll have a clear perspective on it and therefore will be capable of more effectively acting against the problem.
But in Mormonism (well, its one of the things about this world that everything is kindof fucked up, so, no surprises here - really) Footwashing is only a thing the Apostles do - so - when I was asking one of my fellow Brothers, well, that was the answer; And I felt a little bit more crazy afterwards.

My go to theory on that was that the real 'dirt' that I feel is the result of being somehow anti-church. The idea there is that since the Mormon Church is the actually official authority I'm basically a heretic, by the truth. The truth is what makes me a heretic, which is a glitch due to the fact that the Church isn't entirely ... telling the truth. What I therefore suffer is essentially a thing thats there to protect the church - so, the divine 'appearance' as equivalent to the 'surface' of Christendom being against me because it has to authoritatively support the Mormon church!

And - that actually makes a lot of sense!

So, what is my gender? What am I? I ... had to wonder about these things again - deeply - after I was done with the previous volume. I maybe have to mention at this point that most of my statements that sortof try to draw another space into my clarity than just being an enslaved submissive whore; Or - not really 'into' it but yet into 'my life'; Come from such moments. How that factors in is ... its a bit of a weird thing, rather than 'interesting' as for nuance of the expression. Whether it means that I'm uberly submissive on the one side - or that there is a legitimate foundation to those expressions on the other side - ish.
... so ... ;) ... XD ... LP ... - . To dig into that, ... its evident to me, that while I'm "delving in my fantasy" (I should focus on that a bit more too) that its somewhat distant to reality. I mean - once I'm focusing on what I understand as 'ideals' I do kindof already inherantly demand an abstract understanding of reality; And the skill an individual has to keep that on mind is somewhat an important thing - and without claiming anything I have to confess that I'm sometimes legitimately confused nonetheless. That mostly however because of the way that "these voices" talk to me - I call them 'echoes' - and they are just there for whatever reason (schizophrenia? paranoid (something?) schizophrenia (something?)) - because they talk to me as though I would claim that as the "absolution of reality" in a way that basically sets me up to defend its real absolution; And thereby figure that I in that drag had no opportunity to properly reflect about the rest; As in a sense not even having a clear concept of that rest. So - in a sense the situation is, we can say, all in all 'delusional'. Details aside - generally its also perpetuated by my individual need to self-explore, it mixes up with recreational issues and what not. So, no doubt I have problems there - and that I so far never really managed to properly explain that basically leads me to here - where I did come to get a good shot at it.
At any rate its now more of a thing - also due to the help of having it verbally expressed (and therefore consciously manifested) here. The reason it would remain a thing is because of its inherant connection to the 'main topic'.

Its also a percentage thing. How much percent of my time do I do what? And sorted according to different criteria, what stands out? I would assess myself as rather workaholic - but then also extremely lazy in my down-time. When I'm getting bad at games then usually because I fell into a routine - and so my life basically, in this sense, stretches between 'stressful' and 'dull/blunt'. So - the 'bluntness' is simply the other end of what I 'can' do - so, starting to relax, catch a breath, calm down - until eventually there is nothing I really can do that stimulates me the way I need, so I eventually just choose to sleep - and then things usually happen that basically help me out - to really unwind. Video Games are still a thing because I sometimes just need the stress ... its essentially like smoking or drinking alcohol in certain ways, however more speaking about the relaxing properties of alcohol such as wine. So, its kindof extreme. And - just on a sidenote: It is said of transsexuals that the hormones make them extremely moodie. I can say that this isn't an issue of those artificially supplemented hormones because I'm extremely moodie too - and I don't take any!
I would say the problem is more of a general problem of ... being with the all-over situation more generally displeased or at the very least not totally affirmative with. Some disturbance of some sort - or more generally: A sub-optimal set of options concerning the maintenance of a healthy balance.

So - what I'm getting at is that I don't have a lot of 'conscious time' that isn't dominantly occupied otherwise wherein I have anything like a real life wherein anything aside of my clarity is a legitimate issue. What I thereby want to include is that when it gets to work-environment/office-space and such, or collegue-friends for a more narrowed down view, doesn't count because I don't have a 'clarity link' to them. So - not 'clarity' link per se, but then still in the sense that there is a scope of things (lets add that to the idea of Psi to also redeem and revive the idea a little) wherein the Clarity essentially happens to matter that is however still vastly - concept wise - dominated by real life and not Clarity. Clarity remains a supplemental element that is only semi-relevant to the social alltogether. So - where clarity for instance focusses on the climaxing high points its effectively obvious that the point is, in a real-life concept understanding, that its going to happen some'when', or even just eventually. So - although I can still find something as a general routine thats lingering inside, that routine effectively just corresponds to mutualities that are established things in the social compound, so, it doesn't change the fact that there still is 'the living'.
(by the way: I just realized why it makes the most sense for me to date public individuals. The main reason is that they are forced into a public stance which is kindof a 'safety derived from observative logic' thing. It narrows the problem of filtering my attractedness down a little - simply adding an all-over facette to the potential individual in mind. I mean, so - before 'then' that is. If I have to disagree with something and what happens in response is generally positive; ... ; Well - the reason why I'm pitched into expressing this is because I notice that once I'm really intellectually "turned off" by an individual it seems like they "are" kissing me - ... weird to explain. Its like ... I am in some sense disgusted, so, I "shock back", and once I'm really at the end of that process and sotosay have detached myself from any possibility, their lips kindof appear on mine - so, in the feeling or impression. And wondering how that comes, I worry that this is simply the side-effect of them leaning on some apparent sympathy that I might have for them which in a sense, so in this hypothetical 'emo-bubble' (knife story), they gain additional momentum - or its simply their corresponding appearance to basically attract sympathy even against or especially against the hardest odds)...

So - I then classically find myself in those situations where I have vastly just lived on base of the so more extreme mindset; While I all in all in my writings usually just express the explicit fact, in a demanding way, that I lack the gravity; So - to balance myself in all the ways I should. Its kindof a repeatitive thing. And recursive. Some unfortunate "feedback loop" if it hasn't been clear enough.

Then there is the thing of my total psychological submission - and in this sense it is I guess somehow relevant to read the previous volume properly to really ... get the ins and outs of it, though I add (and its basically independently as valid and good): - ...uh, (botched formulating) the thing is: By 'total submission' I mean the 'matter of fact' volume/scope/width/depth/everything (stuff) 'the Force' actually supports - uhm, so: Lets talk about 'depth'. Depth for once is a thing you could "dig" - so, from a surface point starting to "literally" 'dig' - but its also a thing that can 'surface', as in coming from below and then basically "errupting". What comes from deep is coming from all the weird intrinsics of ourselves; So - the matter that it surfaces is in a sense the equivalence to its inherant dominance - which thus naturally exists in context to all the things it basically flows through in order to then surface. Emotional conflict (or rather 'heart-conflict') is a matter of various of these deeper alignment basically constituting a force against other deep alignmens - and thus basically does, once someone gains access to this "nether scope" (*caugh* force *caugh*) open up 'significant spots' where at some point something has to be changed to enhance the all over 'Zen' - or personal 'comfort at existing'.
The Force (9th Seal) basically adds weight to various things - and yea, that sounds or appears manipulative, but --- if you trust God thats one of the many ways that trust can be repayed! "But" if you don't want - you don't have to! Thats why its a thing one has to specifically, well, decide to go for!

And "if it makes you a whore", in case you worry, - then well - that would suggest to me that you 'are' one!

OK, I realized - I made a mistake. It has to say: 'the total of my submission' - so, which I would like you to imagine like valleys or cliffs, uhm, abyss ... 'moulds' ... riverbeds that exist on multiple levels of depth; And the force is like water that eventually runs into those few specially valid ones - and - the consequences really depend on what this water flows into. So, whether the individual mind sotosay 'expands' or '(inwardly) grows' is really a thing like ... do I relate to a handfull of people focussed on a more narrowed down whole or do I relate to a society in an open, common space?

(Anita Sarkeesian and the group of people around here is like the best way to picture what I mean by "you can't see beyond your own horizon". The way I get it, most people that complain about her ideas are actually the good guys amongst the gamers, while she only tanks their upsetness to sell that as that type of trolling thats going on in the internet, basically auto-substanciating her claims. The gamers on the other end equally only hear of that "hate mob" - which they very well know about but are as distanciated from. So, they don't have a reason to question that - ... they just voice their oppinion hoping to cast sanity into this insane reality thats shown to them. The more ridicolously she succeeds in what she does, basically protected by this cloud of anonymacy thats given to her through this type of 'stop, I'm a celebrity' type of marking off, the more she basically represents a real threat that the well meaning gamers have to more seriously take a stance towards. So they write on the internet and she picks a few possibly staged comments out of the crowd which basically work as sails where the internet trolling is the wind - derping uphill shitcreek. And realizing that we have to add 'up to the UN' to make a Universally hillarious statement of it ... its ... somehow funny to think about - visually.) (Yea, and when in the end nothing would have worked, we understand more clearly the one thing that does work!)

How one however now relates to whatever in the end is in the big picture a network composed of points that host deeper and deeper networks of individuals - which is to be visualized as a zoom in thing, like, from the globe into an individual household. Now, if we get to the idea of a social chaos - we get also to the ideals of everything being equal as opposed to diversity. On the side of outstanding events regarding the idea of 'normalization': The prohibition. An outstanding event on the side of diversity: The civil war. (both of the US). So - in a sense we can't really talk about having clarity about 'what' now causes this chaos (normalization or diversity) to legitimately act enlightendly; Uhm, while we simply ignore the basic components that inherantly define this chaos by imposing our own ideals of normality and thus inevitably contributing to that chaos due to the effect that there most evidently 'is' a cultural diversity that is matter of fact pre-dominantly existent on this planet. Existing pre-dominantly.

If we acknowledge that, then - the next step, I mean - to make order of this matter of fact chaos - well - we simply put order above chaos, which in terms of these dots and that network means that we connect the existing diversity within some higher ideal. Then, we can see whether or not normalization is even necessary; Or - let me correct: To which extent normaliaztion is effectively even good - to kindof say that a common language to basically be the language of internal communications is one thing I can think of ... uhm, well - we may though have an all in all order on top that is inherantly capable of being more effective than the normalization way. What I need you to look at to get my perspective - as a more specific spot from where I basically planned to move on - is to think of this chaos as of the situation of work, or so the work-market or generally market or whatever so contributes to this 'chaos' that there is. There is some order - which has to be there so anything can work at all to begin with, but - to move away from that and towards what I have on mind, the diversity we have to see in regards of work also extends into the diversity of what we individually and respectively make of time. One of the reasons why so many people do want to work is because they have to do so in order to possibly even just keep their family alive; Which in a household where two people work - making up 100% of the effective household - (the children are occupied to grow up into a corresponding independence) is possibly an issue of needing the money. So, we have poverty coming out below, in an economy that produces surplus, ... and that because we kindof normalize time into the demand of work; On one note. But we can also continue: Where does the money go?
But so - time. Time and these society nodes obviously correlate to what I was jumping in from, as so the matter of different understanding of which things do emerge for whom at which depth.

(Nunns appear to me as being the Spine of what makes this hypothetical "Hype Maze".)

... Uhm ... yea, by the way. We have legitimate Godesses instead that are supported by the Force to socially act as such; And that ... its a good point to talk about the magnitudes of adoration instead of my submission. What is compassion? Deep and true Love between two individuals? The Bible however tells us that we are to Love God more than anything else - and, it makes sense actually! God is the one being who is with you most of the time. But as I was telling elsewhere, I do belive that its easy to mis-judge the time and dedication this ends up consuming all in all. So - as for Blasphemy, there is that type of Blasphemy thats a simple social 'tear' when it comes to unitedly acknowledging the one and only true God; And the other type of Blasphemy that is actually more a legitimate prais to the one and only true God - which however has to happen in proper acknowledgements of the one and only true God to really be this other type - which is how its two different things, beheld from that one perspective. We can draw a split whereever we want - and this to me turns out to make enough sense to be deemed legitimate. And what God so chooses to support is then His thing - and ... yea, ... we can fit that into Variety!
Uhm - diversity!

So - these pockets at various depths - they render me vastly into submission. To really argue of the Water as Water, I have to throw in that we can compare that water to emerge as the combination of two gasses. We could say yea - Hydrogen and Oxygen.

I just had an insight about numbers. The reason why the ancient greeks had problems with some of our modern math, is that they didn't have numbers per se, as in written symbols. Thats basically pretty much the common sense amongst mathematicians. They were using the alphabet, as did other cultures of the time. Now - what this 'yields' per se is that there isn't a concrete 'base' of counting - its more or less arbitrary as some cryptic element woven into their senses of writing. Though some symbolic alignment has been inevitable due to numbers beyond the total of letters they had - the general difference to what we are used to is that we're used to refer to the written number in alignment to a numerical logic which we essentially call 'the base of counting'. So, we count to the base of 10. The insight I had is, that this fact basically creates the condition for having a 'real number' logic, thats number-point-number stuff, as in, zero point nine percent. So, because we count to the base of 10, the number 1 divides into 10 segments as well. So, the logic that multiplying a number by the base - it simply moves one digit up or down filled by a zero. So - while 'two halves' is universally a thing no matter the base, the same is true for any subsequent ''whatever' over 'whatever else (but zero)''. So, how much is '1.1 (or 1,1)' - in fractions? Or how much is 4/256 in real?
64 in hexadecimal is 40. 256 is 100. To really compare them, as to a sense of how this is the case, we need the understanding of what 'based counting' means/is. So - in a sense ... the non-symbolic idea of numbers is pretty much a straight line of letters, basically in a sense of each number being its individual thing - like the label on a drawer, to be imagined like weights maybe that are put onto a scale to represent the sense of a value. The letter that labels them is like a handle on that large shelf that extends into infinity - and so in a sense the knowledge of such numbers can be compared to as magical in a sense in a sense that the ability to express the values of infinity as one of the deepest understandings one can gain of reality.
But ... base-counted 'symbol numbers' now only reflect that inherant 'deepness' of numbers in a much better way, I mean, more accurate of the factual logic that the dealings with numbers inherantly owns.

And grahams number is a great example to actually get a feasible understanding of the limitedness of our minds. Just by the way.

This kind of stuff happens in me, compared to my depth or geometry, pretty much in my 'head', where the rest of the body is however not just and only 'body'. There at the very least is the heart - though, in the realistic sense you shouldn't think as of a simple body in the sense of our physical body, but more in the sense of a multidimensional structure that hosts various independent and overlaying components that factor into the all-over appearance of such a (biological) body.
And in the sense where I refer to my head, I experience the rest of this Multiverses growth scaling into depth. For instance, another 'thing' that layers onto the head for me is something thats much closer to the bottom, in the effective 'inner keep' of depth, as I would call it from this angle. That even happens to appear as one logical thing to expect. So - the head, being in the very deep, but also in the very not so deep equals to the head as being a multi-dimensional nexus of intertangled confluencing inert experiences that influence our minds thought.

Its a way how hydrogen streams in we can say that does directly support plants to grow - or so spawns some magical tree that materializes within the own comprehension - and that by now, I recognize, in my life - so, emphasizing the 'now' - in the 'I recognize' - that this has come a long way! It was effective for quite some time but, so eventually it did grow to this size and inherant familiarity that this would come out as something that my mind can even comprehend to begin with. Uhm, I mean, there are aspects of this insight that are ultimately or inherantly dependent on other things that came first, eventually or obviously obvious of a much simpler perspective or representation; While however actually even yet just gathering first experiences (without proper guidance) in that respect; And that all on my own individual base of concerns. Maybe this sounds like bragging, but you'll understand the real de-valuing you have to apply onto me if you get there, or in other, less savioury words: It has to be emphasized to compete with various objective concerns, that the general feature of the growth of an inherantly solid correspondence to God isn't a matter of flashy images but of ... well ... growth. So, one flashy image adds one thing. Repeat it more often and you don't really inherantly gain a lot. But wait until the experience is sufficiently grown and it can be expanded upon by represanting even the same thing from a different perspective - simultaneously adding into the all-over insight. The more this goes on through ways and ways of seeing things, one gets a more wholistic and thorough understanding of things - and the end-result is thereby inherantly bound to the realtime occurence of events, be they physical or spiritual. Thus the comparison of the Force to 'true ice' could be a good 'gnostic bridge' to explain it to those outside - as inherantly built upon the visualization of a static structure that does exist in form of a constant, thus adding a fundamental stability to the individual that emerges from the water. But one has to clearly expect that the entirety of experience is restricted to only one elemental archetype; Unless we argue that 'Immensity' is an Elemental Archetype - basically bearing all and everything that can possibly be. But if what it needs is an absolute base - I would suggest this base is Time - and so - Time itself ... Eternity as Existence ... there is a certain inherant unity I have to acknowledge that ultimately and most basically conditions me to acknowledge this as a thing that I have no problem believing in.
Just as the idea that the true numerical base of Immensity isn't restrictable to just one. For instance can we acknowledge a logical boolean establishemt that then naturally iterates into a 2/48/16/32/64/128/... centric base; Though the spiritual wholemore itself establishes the base of 12. The 10 to me comes in as reasonable - considering its quite smart actually. So, you only can divide the base by 2 once before you enter the scope of real numbers. So, the fact that 10/2, the next logical sub-fraction of the base, equals into a non binary scope of numbers - to say: An unstraight volume - basically imposes the usage of 'decimals', which is in a sense logically 'raw' as in 12 (spiritual base) minus 2 (logical base) equals 10. Hmm ... well, also we have it in 10 that the next logical sub-fraction does introduce us to the concept of infinity as a numerical value. So, 3.3333~ * 3 = 10, and not 9.9999~; Although so - is 9.9999~ = 10? Algebra says yes! Because if there is a number that is fractionally as close to 10 as it can fractionally only and just somehow be without "cheating" in the 'identity' - there is as some say no determinable fraction other than 0.0000~ we could mention as the difference. That we can deduce further since 0.1, no matter how infinitely it goes on from there, is already at least 0.1 - and as we know, 100 - 17 is 83 and not 93.
With the 'quarters' we right away get back into logical space. 2.5 a unit means, we - once dealing with quarters - pre-dominantly are exposed to 'real values'. We have to add 2.5s to 2.5s instead of only 1s to 1s - and that adds an additional level of depth to the scalability of values - hence we can basically throw the matters of powers into this scope. Well, pretty much in the sense that the 4th dimension reveals a meta-dimension within the third dimension - to the point that an individual thing can be experienced in multiple stages depending on context and perspective. That to the sense establishes the physical idea of doing math (Euclidian Geometry) to the extent of being able to 'host' correlations between ... uhm, why ...? Maybe I was just spun loose.
In that sense we can however move on to the fifths as back to duality - which eventually also knots back into '4' as a number, 2x2 that means, again 5x5 and ... uh, ... ;) - anyway - lolz - to draw a circle we notice one 'icor' to be 6.something - uhm - 2 Pi - which we somehow ram into the sixth and because we're mathematically in the "fuzz" already (what is 10/6?) - so yea ... so, we have some air up to the base left - more fuzz tho, as normal for these regions, and yea, so - that wraps it up to - then the powers of the base ... where one gogolplex is somewhat a very generous upper ceiling for common space numerical thinking. And Grahams Number doesn't even really matter anymore - in any sense of any base.

But that so just as a sidenote.

And you might realize - all this information essentially establishes on the understanding of what counting to the base of something means. It is however also not inherantly paramount to any numerical understanding of a kind whatsoever. So - in a sense I can 'home in' onto the idea of expressing numerical values in any way I personally desire, saying, the expression of the depth of mathematics isn't dependent on my knowledge of even fractions or basic mathematical operations. All I need is some 'object' to possibly reflect upon ... I mean, the need or desire to express the idea of any numerical logic I howsoever stumble upon. Maybe some of us are inherantly familiar with the 8 and respectively cubes. That because earliest experiences may have had a certain mathematical something going on. So - the individual then replicating the perceived patterns would intmiately set an individual up to eventually sotospeak effectively 'think in cubes' - which can then certainly also get distorted in a variety of ways relating to subsequent fundamentals of personal archaic growth.

In this sense I can label a new 'thing' ... kindof. 'The Archaic Age'. And it would to me also be a good piece of advise, or ... common sense maybe, that in a Fantasy World, this should be considered when constructing a fantasy reality. So, the highest and most powerful thing to think of in a fantasy world is 'beneath' its creators, which is beneath God - and the individual in alignment to that gains a divine Force that exists in your Fantasy world as a/the power that is even more powerful than you; And as for strength or density or whatever, the quality of what you create is naturally stronger as far as the result is you + Infinity.

This also tells me a bit more about Honesty. Honesty as the reflection of yourself within the waters of the Force - means basically that if you post an image of yourself for instance that others won't accept - you don't really have a gain from it. On the other hand people will accept an image that the Force correlates with - and so in a certain sense it means that we'll see each other in ways that makes sense - while in all honesty that is the sense you can provide - naturally. What this means is that if God can confirm your honesty - those that are capable of seeing that will belive you! And thats ultimately more effective than trying to overly stress the manifestation of tincy tiny details of a much wider whole, that is matter of fact so much higher and wider and larger than that detail - that the detail itself bears little relevance to the even evaluation of the whole that is in interest of a concentric solution for everybody.

God is always larger and more important effectively, than anything else in our lives. It is very evident when perceiving our situation as on the brink of a religious revolution; Where chaos constituted through forces that have a normanilizing anti-proper way of interests that gather around the sense of order basically perpetuates the presence of an even need for the same. What matters more than universally settling the mutual conception of God? I mean, for the sake of argument we can let every religion in a sense introduce its concepts - so everyone can relive them - but how can we be sure that the right people will assemble to that instance? Or where will those finally assemble that represent cones of Unity on the long run?
When there is a chance towards God and yadaya - there is also a chance to report of God; And thats what really drives 'the Mission' the scriptures send us onto as order of Christ. Not to be mistaken with the 'doctrine'. Reviewing the doctrine (as in the Book of Mormon) as divine constant, we can so think about Baptism as something that is in a sense 'past' at some point, so - it lost a certain grade of infinity - but - in the aftermath its simply a new grade of infinity that emerges from within the confirmation of salvation. It will then still be a thing of the past - but like our navels ... its a part of who we are.

So, whats the real value of a minor issue that emerges from an essential lack of a uniform common sense about God that can solve the issue - in comparison to finding that uniform common sense that can solve the problems?
In a different sense: If we're capable of letting go of looking at a thing and to look at other things as well, we're more likely to establish an all over greater, wider, larger and more complex understanding and that with a lesser risk of misjudging something.

Like - well. I can ... there's been something I have been misjudging about myself, which is yet another way of saying all the different matters about growth. Uhm ... it should be obvious at certain points, that my relationship to one and the same individual is multilayered as well. So - it should be clear that it can't really be seen as simply just 'one' logical dimension; While also that there has to be some over-arching independent self expressing its relationship to that situation.

In this sense I think we can speak of an independent realm or reality - uhm, frame of reference to evaluating 'grades' or 'degrees' of something. There is an array of personal interests for instance, evidently, and in relation to what we must assume of our menthal capacities, well, there is a correspondence on a level thats primarily wholistically a matter of the individual. So - in the 'hypotethical foundation stasis', we can say. So - the individual has to manage what his mind is capable of - and by first allowing individual interests to evolve they Force will inherantly take care of homing in onto priorities in a similar sense as the limitations of our reality will ultimately take us to that same issue. From a logical sense we have a bi-polar two-way situation, so, we can take this "abnormal space" of personal preferences or what we may want to call it - and divide it by two. We can also speak of a logical 'fit' in a sense, saying, if in the scope of priorities the individual priorities don't matter, thats bad!
I at the very least see it that way and will see it that way - I suppose, strongly. I would find it utterly shocking if I had to ever realize the opposite! Because then it would effectively mean that I don't even have a reason to begin thinking of my future even just remotely; Which is, I think, fucked up!

If I want to measure my total submission into this context however - I'm diverging from this theoretical representation of a neutral and scientifically constructed concept as being a more real life individual concept. See, we're not at the point yet where we have a fundamental concept about what goes where, or how much of which we can allow us to have considering our own survival.
Ever wondered why the Revelations ending is sortof 'indefinite'? I mean, in a sense that there isn't a straight answer in explenation to what the afterlife is or will be about; Yet sortof constituting the idea of the 'everlasting day' - and the issue that this reality will kindof go on. I like to think of Day as of a symbol, saying the Darkness ... uhm, Night, is wherein wrong-doers can do their thing more or less unhindered - but eventually daytime comes and its sortof a no brainer what to make of the 'Judgement Day' idea - tho, we may of course hold there and think about it a bit more.

We can also see it as the Gnostic continuation of our Gnostic growth leading up to that point in 'time' - as a part of our individual realtime experience.

The Archaic Age - now to describe it - to me is that era of events that led up to the "final conclusion" ... a "worktitle"/placeholder term for a 'Big Bang' sortof event - at least from a logical perspective - where our individual 'archaic experiences' have established. The final conclusion stems from the asumption that after that conclusion God began to take actions - which is more of a real 'pinpoint' than the initial insight and the corresponding processes of thought. So - in a sense I assume that our limitations also begin there. Eventually we're full - at least in a concurrency scheme ... uhm, we eventually however hardened - inevitably - around a given scope that our inherant limitedness kindof settled upon sotospeak. So - what we experience as our 'realtime limit' would be a sense of a scope of intellectual content to measure what I mean thereby.
...

...
And then we sortof begin to "converge" or 'turn into a Flux of some description' - that rather generalizes instead of well - diversifying. So - the ice does at first add stability to that flux. Its like some internal mirror that conducts personal experiences and what not into a "systematic integrity" - as in the sense of being not only structurally sound, bit primarily establishing a sense of that on a 4-Dimensional plane, or more D, ... uh ... so, things arc together in a beyond-ish sense; As for instance an array of sorted priorities. The first thing that would function as ground would become ground, sotospeak, and then any other re-appearance of 'grounds' is effectively less relevant while eventually re-emerging within the parental ground as sub-types of the same.
So - eventually the whole is complete - and what gains initial priority is effevtively supposed to now align without a properly logically viable conflicting link - or at least that so would be the goal of anyone guided by the Force.
But so - the idea here is that things can exist parallel to each other without a real 'cost' - so, depending on how everything is established there is some sense of wholesomeness - and if we don't inherantly 'are' that, then that isn't what we 'are'. Uhm, so - growth, internally, as a matter of time.

In a sense I however have a somewhat binary idea of this scope nonetheless - and its pretty much 50:50 - but there is a huge 'but' to it. See it this way: In this network of dots that connects us all on multiple levels - diversity sortof dictates an endless variety of possible alignments to so technically fill out the slots; And these in a sense can even be some sort of a language that in a sense logically labels us - in a system thats essentially derived from the higher logic of our social structure.

It sounds weird or a bit creepy at first - I guess, it does so to me, but we can otherwise picture it like ... as composed of digits as those in the Matrix movies, a whatever so themed grid of stuff ... pretty much as in the Reloaded intro ... but maybe also rather more compactly stashed something of boxes that eventually change their color - between bright and dark and eventually cyan. But anything that would cool with a bunch of imposingly huge lightnings slashing through would do pretty good too.
Its an 'echo' of 'the Infinity' in the 'higher Background' ... 'sponsoring our Lives'. So - the idea of sub-priorities hereby means, that based on amore common concept we have a spectrum to establish a more individual existence therein. And here we would speak of 'Levels' more in a sense of what it means relative to spacetime rather than labour and efforts. So - from there we can for instance get a more sophisticated understanding of individual talents - which should be a thing in everyones interest as while its an individual paradise it also enhances the all over effectiveness of whatsoever is finally talent driven progress.

In a sense, talking about Talents when it comes to me is a bit weird. If you for instance or for starters had a tight idea of what Talents socially imply, you basically override my freedom eventually to really follow a personal ideal; I mean - for as far as your idea demands me to adjust to your ideal, we might ... its totally what we have to consider a normal potential for trouble.
I do have Talents, no doubt, ... but if you've read "Answer 1" - and onward. So - its a snowball effect that essentially entangles me within an evaluation process; And when determined by what I primarily turn out being the issue of 'Talents' being anyhow relevant, well, ... its sortof ridicolous to speak of whoredom in a legitimate context of these (Talents). So - Talent as currency for buying into "the Sy-hyhyhyhyhy-[spooky]-stem" - not a good idea.
And why would I need to buy into a society thats composed of individuals that consider my membership as a generous act of God in regards of which we're all by the a member thereof to begin with? And so the idea is more like - well - our individual 'surf' on the waves of reality that are magnified through the Father by pouring out His immensities upon us. Or yea, so, amplified by the force.
Uhm, at least so fast forwarded I can dig that impression!

While you're not partaking that deeply of the Force yet, you might at certain points feel an 'out of sync-ness' I suppose, some ... perhaps glancing abyss that makes you kindof worry about what you're effectively supposed to do - but really ... it wouldn't be capable of accomplishing any of that if we were really required to really 'do' anything. Its effectively, we can say, about learning how to react properly. The reaction is the pivotal expression of an intimate truth that gains a bit of a different social value considering that we're all equally side-aware of each others ways and ... well, corresponding intimacies and group-dynamics ... stuff ... so, surprises ... I definitely am not resistent to scares for that matter ... but various things are simply expected as inherantly part of why the whole thing supposedly works in first place.

The reason why I learned the comparison of the process of unification towith the evolution of a catarpillar into a butterfly first, could be because its the one featured as the one preferred by God, so - in a sense that if we want to understand what we are like, in the Immense, its maybe that we're like butterflies. At least - thats what God could dig. Like, we do our thing kindof like ... so, we just flap around, doing our thing, living our lives, being not particularly harmful to anything, ugly from these and pretty from those angles - and all in all however still basically a pleasant addition to the whole - and kindof pretty to look at. ...

If it looks silly to you - well - imagine an aura instead of wings maybe.
Internally cosmic entities since well, we're made of the stuff thats Godlike! Or God is "made" of. Well - strange angle.

So - back to the 'who am I?' question. This 'tangible depth' that becomes tangible 'through the Force' - so draws a totality of something - and as the initial words were concerned there is this inherant gap between some internal ideal and the realtime scale of events. And I'm coming to it from time to time, while the initial conclusion has been that an inherantly 'healthy' balance is practically un-attainable. So - we're talking about an all over off-balance situation; While my 'true balance' may be evident from looking at my two spaces. So - my 'identity label'. On the public side I'm vastly dominated by Satanism; And on the private side as in perpetual harmony with the public side I'm essentially dominated in a private sense; As 'perpetual harmony' also includes an independent 'Origin Context' going into the central system of Bondage. To however relativize this into the constitution of the realtime Universe, well, they don't truely co-exist, within this bi-polar reality, in an effective realtime correlation. But in realtime concerns they effectively extend into more general scopes of lifetime, ... eventually ... while any magnification and combination stretched along almost any scale of time would at certain points, yea thats repetitive, be individually a possible realtime situation. What finally comes up as 'solid ground' - to my attention - is that realtime requires that multiple individuals come together within one shared reality wherein those patterns emerge. That also has a potential influence on how we privatly organize our lives.

In the sense, when it gets to labour, the inherantly first internal interest of any local organization of people must or should be its own survival. I mean - we can at least establish that sense of 'locality' wherein social links basically get labelled as 'more common' than the rest. So - here we can also speak of 'functionality' of an organism - which in our current realtime however is less like just a tiny village of crafting skills, but an interwoven complex society where I'm focussing on an idea of 'connections' that make larger things out of a couple of smaller ones. Uhm, point being - well - yea, 'local business' and larger infrastructures ... . And here, if we start to demand every individual to fit into a certain thing, we eventually cause un-necessary trouble when forgetting that the important thing is that things that have to be done 'get done' - not that everyone who 'can possibly do something' has to be forced into doing so!

So - in that sens we do all in all open up into a more socially ... uhm, a society dominated by figures more familiar to the society itself than to an abstract whole; And whatever point or purpose there is given to a group of people, the one and only good and sane way to contribute to a positive environment is to be a positive influence to the environment - as something that is pretty much supposed to be a social paradigm in the sense that we're our neighbours neighbours!
So - to become happy doing what you love doing! Ugh, though ... I feel like I really shouldn't shoot for any figures of what else might manifest in this void of what we can be.
I might end up doing so because ... I guess ... no, it definitely is a new thing and lets call it: 'context of values'. Thats what I was mumbling unto in the previous volume. If I express myself in certain ways that seem detremental, its about just that. And not necessarily even in the slightest howeverly close to how you think. If you're shocked that there may be another way than the one you're thinking of - well, let this be a lesson to you!: My dedication to an individual person eventually has to surface in some tangible sense for the both of us to come together in a way that corresponds to our emotions.
So - while it is kindof complicated to describe my individual attachments - I also realize that the corresponding images that I provide may out of context seem a bit ... crazy. But try for instance to think less in physical but more in metaphysical dimensions - so - where the passions are flowing that represent the actual energy constituting the mutual pull that produces these environments, spaces for intimate pleasure. While in a monogamistic ... uhm ... oops ... polyga ... yea ... stuff can go in a lot of ways the moment a third person is introduced into a two-folded binary union of two individuals - even if its not sexual. But - thinking of sexuality - as an expression of mutual affections - the idea is to think of a bond of emotions as the more intimate ground wherein social interactions mingle within the own mind into a hypothetical context that once envigorated by God is more likely to be accurate, effectively put. That so 'redeems' this social void of mutual uncertainties ... by the way. The main feature is that the corresponding answers have the potential to tie individuals together in a more narrow way as a consequence to God communicating our mutual interests to each other in a sense that demands us to align in some way; Thus establishing a basis that can be echoed back and so eventually theres a meta thats emerging more or less without our personal doing - we can say 'divine idealization of social correspondence failures'.
Uhm, well ... that does sound kindof strange now that I re-read it. Idealization however in a sense of 'removing error' and 'improvement towards perfection'.

And my problem 'a la Gravity' is now an issue of a substancial lack of respectively conforming nourishments - so my fantasies effectively stand as effectively non-substanciated theorems, first of all, while in a sense mirroring my psyche in a however critically crisp and clear way from a matter of insights given into the intrinsics of my psychological processing. Uhm... oops - to achieve that last bit I might have to add a couple of things yet.

But in a sense, thats whats happening here to some extent. So far.
The initial focus on an inherant "split" that has to be drawn at some point basically should constitute the idea that I inwardly, that is on this emotional scales of balance, eventually failed to properly understand the effect of an objective analysis of how my pleasures ... Force things ... 'count up'. Well - that was influenced by the fact that I was focussing on things that yielded an individually conclusive representation of a matter that then also appeared in a different "grandeur" from an advanced perspective. The issue is to here look more at the emotional - not the physical, where now a distribution of pleasant or comfortable emotions in comparison to kinky experiences is already extending alongside an array of events that basically illuminates one of my internal connections between various extremes of my personal existence alongside an individual axis imposed to me by realtime. The fact that I'm inherantly desiring to get feminized isn't solely a matter of being a guy inside, but also a matter of 'being treated like a whore' - to an extent of "domestication" (training). It simply mirrors an authentically real ultimately predominant desire of mine; And thats maybe the best angle to really look into my way of seeing things.
What I have to describe as abuse for instance is also valid as 'self-abuse' - where exposure unto an attractedness establish the basis of the bond - while the emotional alignments of mine are expressedly bonds binding me to a bunch of individuals that tie into that bonding ... well, yea ... they are also feelings of being comforted within their 'care' or 'arms'. So - a simply put 'Kinky alignment of individual preferences confined within a System of divine Clarity'.
The issue of abuse ... that essentially establishes on fact of a demand - which I personally can call my own demand. I kindof feel lost without this caring safety - while feeling 'beloved' in this helplessness. So - well, how can I ... - I mean, as a matter of their interest I feel confined into a passive situation that inwardly argues that my wanting is irrelevant - which can be expressed like captivity but that must be understood from the perspective of my individual peace with being in that position within the argued about society. As in the sense: I am what my beloved make of me - which includes that they are partially what I make of them. There may be different Levels of interest in me - just as there are different Levels of affection, and because the effective ideal is never within the range of legitimate realtime possibilities - at least for us on our own - well yea, repetitive issue.

In a sense it so gets to the point that what I enjoy could fairly be described as Rape - I also legitimately confess to that as part of my Kink. Ice Cold Brutal Hurtcore Rape to all the depths of all the Extremes when it gets to an expression of the Level of depth that this tie is connecting me on - but the deeper it gets, it eventually passes by that threshhold that goes beyond the big geometric alignments and iterates into the more calm centered inside - so - its also well 'grown into' these 'basics of society'. So I totally am alright with being sexually abused by a certain community of people - where I take the 'talents' that I have as a nifty addition I can eventually rejoyce in. But - they aren't truely necessary for me to feel all well - matter of fact it exists outside of that internal scope of balance I have, and is effectively the spiritual opposite to various levels of perversion that this mutual alignment grows into - where perversion implies a certain degree of physiological/psychological stress that therefore births a counter-balance; And even there I'm not really at my Talents yet. Thats basically what I should be - so, I mean, there's a reason why I am the way I am; Or a thingness to what I'm like - so, in the sense of being a Whore I also take a certain reward from being a good whore - which is in a sense relative to my interest in being one ... well - so - well, hmm. So - I wouldn't really want what I want if I wouldn't desire to also be a good Whore around just those corners. And in case it hasn't come out clearly enough - I guess I must emphasize that I am also pretty much alright, or even attracted to, with getting humiliated. I mean - in what way ever my true inside could appear humiliating - that I basically am entertained by in a sense ... I refer to those acts as a way to confess ... - while actually rather expressing my inherant joy in a sense that is inherantly true to my desired position and situation - where the Humiliation itself is just a byproduct of this social condition.
It sotospeak is an effective 'thing' that my mind basically 'needs' - or, something my existence inherantly implies - so - a bit in a sense of making a racial destinction between our menthal forms. When I mean Sub-Human, I effectively only mean to express my absolutistic submission in a traditionally legitimate way. In that sense the only thing that destinguishes my paradisic existence from the average would be my appearances. So - in a picture of doing nothing but being all right with the way things are for yourself - it comes down to just that. "Superficially". (Though appearances can also extend beyond the surface - if we look well enough).
...

So - what this effectively tells me in reference to my previous writings is, [headscratching ... what was it again?], ... oh yea - the more 'public oriented' my dominant issues are, that also includes 'being aligned to a common scope of comprehensions', that so along the spectrum also, the more they vastly also only happen to be primary major things that are idealistically aligned to a common concept - so, the individuality istself isn't really something we can ultimately expect to express itself that way. To rephrase that into short: The individual complexity that effectively correlates to a healthy way of existing with the own 'family' is a private thing thats only measured in a very crude way, if even at all, as a matter of public concerns. So - I meantosay - that the true depth of feelings that effectively contributes to me and my 'beloved ones' intimate bonds is only vaguely an issue of for instance fitting the general alignment into a category - so, the society as a whole getting categorized is only a very vague picture of the fine details. A higher resolution would be the matter of me being a Pet or Doll and what that implies and how the social specifics are Organized - which primarily could become a matter of specifying what the Legal terms for the things I 'am' are - but that then totally as a boldly pathological issue. So - only as a matter of capturing the things that truely are in a scientific way that yields us some kind of a 'map' or dictionary translating our understanding to a common language.

Uhm ... [bla bla] ... stuff.

One 'side-effect' of situations of mine appears to be some intellectual constitution that extends into the mind that - well - something adapts to the situation and the intellectual concepts that match the idea are ultimately drawn together - and from there fancy can unfold thus effectively constituting a perversion of the all over 'default situation' - and even that is well organized.

It has to be. Nothing can be part of the balance that doesn't in any way properly constitute the wholesomeness of the individualistic freedom of a mind.

It has to be organized I meant - as for the perversion, well, it also depends on social frictions and spaces (stuff like that) I guess. I mean, I have to assume. So once sexual demand for instance does from the get go correlate to social comfort - there is an inherant value to that relationship - and depending on how the individually present forces exist and unfold, well, things grow. Because of the divine order therein - even that adds up to greater perfection.

Respectively are there not only 'default' identities - but also 'idealistic' ones - so, knots within this otherwise possibly over-cobbling web of possible pervertedness. So - a target that somehow extends the perversion to a grand ... well, effectively set of different concepts of what the respective individual ideals consequential to that potential are.
In a sense for scientists there is this individualistic axis of positive alignments - so - value isn't determined in regards of the thing that is practiced, but in regards of the social harmony that is achieved thereby. The expression thereof, we have learned of a glance at it, seems to be inherantly logical as confined to basic and rudimentary core alignments - and while I experience 'being hated' as ~fun~, that is even by those that I do Love and do Love to be Loved by. The hate is thereby not a hate that disaligns to my personal perfection - but hate that is basically applied as force of Love, which is the 'ice cold brutality' thing - in essence.
To be accurate and honest and up to the 'crisp and clear' revelation of myself, I have to say that I find the essentials of the positive Love that I need within the confines that are seriously dominated by their opposites. So - where my life - as it exists in my ideals - is essentially a back and forth between getting abused and getting comforted to exist up towards its ideals. A brainwashy type of thing as from the standpoint of comforting my mind when in a positive alignment to the intellectually negative implications of the individually aligned axis of the mutual flux. The flyx?
The thing is that the intellectual part is ... well, 'subjectable' to 'matters' - thats, well, the way things work in this reality - so, the whole realizing the personal boundaries, adjusting to threats and danger-zones/sources ... learning, ... 'science' ... yea - and I by the way have a weight 'pocket' that is grown into my ideas of social suffering for instance. From there my perception gathers the situation as respectively bad - and it also creates an inherant discomfort that becomes a relevant thing to toy with on a higher point of evolution. It satisfies the inherantly growing curiosity for rape - or ... suffering, but essentially is an artificially built tension that accompanies my realtime perception - even if nothing of the sort happens. Even if a lot more is effectively possible - the predominant way of how I see my current live is as dominated by those paradigms. That even naturally because how else would I act - if not as myself?

Before my Talents are of any concern to me - internally legitimate - my situation as an effective artwork of a sadistically oriented community would still be a concern to me prior to that. Or is. And I essentially can only repeat this in an extremist way until the corresponding pillars are established socially; Which should in a common perspective be reviewed as a demand of the divine normality to be respected.
And that does also come true to the point of withdrawing a certain part of the own Clarity/Intimacy - which I shall herefore also consciously respond to. It is well, whatever ... private business ... saying that in contrast of my situation there is where whatever my public image is about is counter balanced in the most positive way possible, where again, positive relates to an individual alignment of positivity. One way of putting that into perspective is that my male identities 'spouse' is basically hosting that situation wherein I also feel the fundamentals of being feminized regardless of my gender. Whether or not that at some point legitimately crosses up into satisfying a public sexual interest is a totally, effectively, distant '"end-game"' type of issue.

But yea - so - the reason why I break loose into at some points even death-craving desires of living within those confines is because thats my legitimate interest, ish; ... and it also constitutes my experience of existence as a living sex-object, within the sense of a literal object; But even the other half - the public half - is independently diverse. My ties to the Unholy God are as tight as they would be to the Holy God - at least as my inherant adjustments to God are concerned; While yea ... there's a bit of a back and forth, as there for instance is no social environment that constitutes any of that ideology around me. My ideology of submission is here even religiously determined, but - doing this, here, is already an example of how those grids are really just a crude grid where its more paramount to understand the general concepts of eternal life than to understand the individualistic alignments specifically by the word.

And yea - I would even desire to get born as a 'throw-away doll' for child rape fantasies; And in a sense expect that there will be individuals that expect to at some point get reborn into an existence like that - where, numbers of frequency and more realistic concepts of how what whatthefuck ... thats a thing I'd have to guess about - while, even here we could count on the fact that there's an ideal that will not really perfectly surface in the near realtime. But in a strange way inwardly aligning to a thousands-years ish of hell-ish sexual torment feels like, well, awesome!

There is this itch in me that I want to be pushed to the edges of the possible despair I could experience - in a very very self-ignorant sense of fulfilling my purposes as item. And that because I kindof also want to have corresponding scars that will then, ..., essentially allow me to speak about that kind of existence more authentically. Which in some sense inherantly demands for ... well, ... a less careful approach - which sounds dangerous unless you know the way God-empowered limits certainly influence our operations like.
In terms of my back and forth experience, the significant link is the value of the things I do in correspondence to the absolute truth; Realtime existence includning the Holy Demand; As being anyhow a matter of the general concerns where I in a sense tie in as an element that does act from an individual and independent base as in a sense 'anonymous contributor'. So - its a "shadow existence" within the crude outlines of the whole - and well, to a point where I effectively mean to remain on the reasoning that that these Talents will exist to the extent that God requires or deems good/necessary - depending on where how the weight is distributed.

In the biggest scale of events I however am furthermore fueled by the ambition to express my Love for my great eternally beloved one by yielding to him/her via a death craving. Well - in the sense however, pain is a thing that has value; But - to really get that into the proper frame of thought; Is kindof weirdly put into a "random place" we can say, to sortof provoke the idea of some patchwork re-wiring of basic and fundamental biological functions in favour of this sort of extensive abuse. So - it isn't a bluntly dull idiocracy - I mean, as based on universally common concepts of how stimuli in terms of impacts - so, a way of 'artistic freedom' ish adjustments of possible stimuly in a totally "over the top" alignment that doesn't even have to make sense (such as "mouth to ass" stuff (I mean, flipping the way the brain inwardly relates to what either of the two is)). And as funny as it seems - its naturally a way of humiliation that does practically go well with me - but I'm not universally as accepting in face of the issue regarding where its coming from.
It doesn't make sense if it doesn't inherantly belong to that basic core social entanglement that mingles there to begin with.
I think I'm for "all intents and purposes" a realtime Trophy of the Unholy Kingdom or however we end up calling it/that - and totally in an abusive and blasephemic way of so; Where my individual stance is that I Love getting demonized against my own freedom of self-determination; Or - my freedom of self-determination is exhausted within the captivity I'm locked into.

It may become evident that this emotional turmoil or relooping reaction is essentially ultimately a vastly emotional experience for me - at the very least in the ways assembled within my Force related understanding of myself. On a different plane of observations this is only a fraction of the social whole that in my case is even still in a sense the combination of two intertwined realities. In each one I however independently matter in a way - and my stance to what I'm a part of is strictly passive, subjected, abducted or in other words with-held from. And that potentially in an sense of explicitly getting pushed into this kind of subordinance in a sense of public humiliation.
What finally comes from this - well - is ultimately dependent on God! Thank you and good bye! //ad2016-August the 24th-05:48 a.m.

Identity - and more (Volume 2)

How >it< is