There is something inherantly wrong about utilizing the scriptures to solve our social problems and concerns; Beyond the simplistic basics of Salvation. In this sense I understand the New Testament, when compared to the Book of Mormon, visually more like a warzone compared to a peacful forrest-lighting. The New Testament delivers a lot of content - but if we want to picture Gods 'elaborate will' (the 'once and for all' kind of stuff (absolute issues)) like a Pyramid, there is this idea of relevance. So, how does verse A relate to verse B and more significantly: our interpretation thereof?

The way we can take the Bible we can say that on top of that Pyramid there are the two 'golden rules'. Love God (more than everything else) and Love your neighbour (as yourself). If you think about the Pyramid on the 1 Dollar Bill - well - we have it here that the top is made up of two stones where one points to God above all - without any implication of a rule or whatever. Just God - on top of it all - and the "foundation" for everything below is primed in the demand to Love our neighbours.


But where to put Baptism? And how to put that in relation to anything we might ... stuff like Romans 1:26++ - which, I believe the Bible isn't really clear about that kind of stuff! We have similar statements in the Book of Mormon - but we also have 'the Doctrine' in the Book of Mormon; And if we look for it in the New Testament we get that sense of Chaos. Its all over the place, but nowhere really in a way that contributes to the common sense of the Mormon doctrine that narrows down on Baptism.
To get into Romans 1:26+ properly, we may have to wonder why Jesus wasn't really that clear about that kind of stuff when speaking about the end or judgement or anything like that, but rather resorted to metaphors that even so happen to be so general that its hard to see a clear bottom line. But on the other end, there is a reasonable common sense that can be distilled from them once really cutting the interpretations down to a minimum. So Matthew 25 - the thing with the 10 virgins - which is ultimately a really good source for us right now. There are 10 virgins and they're sortof travelling through some weird environment that requires them to have Lamps. 5 virgins brought extra oil and the other 5 didn't. Those that brought extra oil will make it to the end and so get their reward, the others won't.

So - the issue with taking our understanding of the Bible first is that we'll sortof infuse that understanding into that metaphor; And yea, our problem would be to gather the best understanding of the Bible possible to then take that into this verse. But ... you might see where the error therein lies. We're dependent on gaining an understanding of which we have no measurement - and if our understanding was wrong, how can we tell?
But so, how can we reverse the situation? How can we take that metaphor as 'on top'? At least as on top of everything following the four Gospels.
But well - in all simplicity: We can recognize our situation as exactly the situation described in Matthew 25. The question were: What is the oil? Anyway - all the 10 virgins have a lamp, and oil to begin with. But 5 have extra oil. So, in the story the oil eventually runs out - and so those that have that extra oil can move on further.
The 5 without oil then go and buy some, but they're too late.
If the oil is the Testimony, then you'd be - if you aren't a Mormon - amongst the 5 foolish ones. And its noteworthy that a separation into wise and foolish is done here. From the get go. So, the 10 come to a point where 5 realize they can't move on - and I think we can project this whole situation into a situation of investments. So - we can all say that God exists, that Jesus is the Christ, and some believe like this and others like that. But only one way can be the right way. Like, it shouldn't turn out to be wrong to ask for a Testimony. I mean - if you for instance are not a Mormon but you believe, then - how would you think a passive dependency on Gods guidance would take you down the right road? You have to suppose that if your confession is the wrong way, that God would have to remove you from there - or however move you down the right one. So, one way or another you're supposed to ask God for something that has to, sooner or later, lead to a potentially more dramatic change than you might suspect! And I think that if this isn't clear enough already ... well, I guess ... its down to self-confidence!


But so, how does that help us now with verses like Romans 1:26+? Or 1 Korinthians 3:16+17?
Well - anyway. Once we so figure that the Mormon Church was right - well, we're moving into a different territory where what has so far been established the issue is, yea, that the Testimony can extend the simple yes/no dimension once we have a wider insight that can contribute to a more elaborate Testification. Thinking of my Mormon history I would now be in a situation that would allow me to be a better member of the Church - which is, 11 years later; Which for once includes a lot of time and experience outside of the Church expanding my horizon and daring to believe what I was bound to via the Testimony. And nowadays this also co-incides with the introduction of a more scientific concept to the concept of Church.

So ... Romans 1. Taking Thunderf00ts contribution, Luke 17:32+, we get this idea of "extraction". Applying that onto Romans 1 - we can eventually dig a partial adressment - I mean, we have to wonder: Who is addressed in which way? I mean, is it against gay coupling, or are the bad guys growing gay? I mean, thats what it says, right? The bad guys will look away from God - and while the Old Testament already establishes an anti-homo pretext; Its some kind of a reverse psychology setup - which, ... this takes me to John 3:17+18 - the logic that we're doomed by our own actions - alongside all the statements such as Sura 3:7 (Quran), saying that whatever we believe may as well be wrong, ergo, see Matthew 25. The thing is that they would look for ways to act ungodly - and whether they grow homo based on the old Testament or the new one doesn't ultimately matter.
:But could it be that ...: ... yet all Homos are evil?
I don't think so! I would argue that since Evil is given control for some time, there is this general support for Queer people, ... which is furthermore entirely outside of the scope and context of what the Old Testaments laws and rules are directly concerned of - like - 2000 years out of context - so yea, Thunderf00t nailed it for us!

Quantity over Quality - II

Did he? I mean - its pretty much a round thing for me!
We can get a final result once we observe how homosexuality matters in the aftermath. What will homosexuals make of themselves after Baptism and Unification? Or will Unification even cause some people to become ... at least Bisexual from being totally Hetero? I mean, its not unthinkable that a slumbering Bi- or even Homosexuality won't break out because of issues ... and same in the flipsense - as we might think of misguided Homosexuality that reverts to at least Bisexuality. I want to emphasize though: These are approximations and suggestions - thinking on a from individual to individual basis and not an 'all as one' crowd movement - although individuals eventually count up into groups.

Well, what does 'the Force' tell me about it?
I think, for the most part, that Hetero people are gonna stick to that - mostly! I know from myself however that the belief of not being even just a little bit Homo (Bi-Sexual) can appear quite real, but not entirely! I mean - I am 'not' Gay - and technically I'm not even Bi-Sexual; Where the line thats drawn is a matter of coupling. I'm interested in women when it gets to my emotional wealth - and all my affection for men is essentially a matter of sexuality and kink. But - my ass didn't stay a virgin and neither did I want it to remain a virgin ... although there were times where I was pretty much like 'never gonna happen'.
So - my point is that the current situation for any mature should pretty much ... stay the same! We can I guess increase the margin of tolerance when thinking of individual growth on the larger scale - like, some are more and others less determined all in all, while in general I don't think there is much space for any individual to legitimately change; Not on that Level! That will also explain why Transgender stuff emerges during Childhood already. That is before the individual is intellectually getting entangled with society.
If you are gonna become gay or whatever - so my understanding - you should actually already know that! I mean - to a certain extent I did always know that I'm transsexual (I'll use that term for the phenomenon itself and trans'gender' in regards to a physical "metamorphosis"), devote, into elder women - while anything beyond that was also there - but - there's yet another 'barrier', like Pedophilia for instance.
We can so for instance speak of Social Norms - saying - they influenced me to a point that I did become a pretty normal person. 'Normalized'. In that sense we for instance refer to Pedophilia as abnormal and in that sense also react neagtively unto it. I mean, thats the general thing. So, Pedophiles are abnormal in a sense that we get to wonder: What went wrong with these people?
But from my perspective there is nothing that 'went' wrong - it was "wrong" from the get go - and that more so because "society" "declared" it wrong. But that norm isn't really 'the one and only norm' as much older civilizations, well yea - arguably mysogenistic ones - have a different understanding of 'when' a girl becomes a woman, age-wise.
If we for instance take puberty as the biological margin - we can start at both ends. Either we take the emergence of puberty as ... I mean, yea, so - we're talking of teens rather than kids here, but ... yea ... where the western civilization simply 'gives' that time of evolution to a person rather than force-wedding it the moment the girl is growing boobs. But to cut to the point: I didn't 'become' pedophile - I have always been pedophile.
And Sex with Animals has also always turned me on!
Speaking of identity in this sense - the point of coupling is less a matter of predetermined outcomes but more a matter of what I would be looking for if there were some perfect database of possibilities. But no - I'm not pedophile in a sense of being interested in minors - but as many would know: interested in mother figures. So, whats the term? I actually found 16 'para-philias' on the respective wiki-page I could label myself with, pedophilia included. It even goes into infantophilia. So, to make it complete: Anililagnia, Anthropophagolagnia, Autogynephilia, Autonepiophilia, Autopolushophilia/Autozoophilia, Biastophilia, (Autovampirism), Coprophilia, Dacryphilia, Emetophilia, Infantophilia, Masochism, Pedophilia, (Mysophilia) and Raptophilia. Weird? I mean - I'm pretty "sick" I guess - ... and who can even pronounce those words? I don't even know what they mean anymore! (And some would be missing still ... like being pregnant).
But anyway I could also add Sadism and the corresponding batch of stuff, but thats why its not really that simple. I mean - well, anyway. Back to normalization - I've been normalized, pretty much, ... I mean, there isn't much new stuff to add to that matter at this point; And beyond that I kindof want to gain distance to those things.
This 'barrier' is kindof there because actually ... I mean, first of all being male and hetero or female and lesbian isn't much of a difference; And what else matters? Eventually BDSM Kinks become an issue; But thats kindof enough or sufficient. The idea that extensive exposure to those Kinks would suck one deeper into that kind of stuff to me is a misconception. Its in the end however to be expected of certain individuals; And defending it - I mean, 'you' should in first place be concerned of your own and defend your own.
But anyway - so, a complete knowledge of the things that establish 'the personal harmony' in my case is a matter of conquering myself, freeing myself from the norm. So - there are things deep inside that are cancelled off - and that essentially contributes to a general discomfort - and people that feel some inherant displeasure about their own existence, its gonna be in about the same thing. I mean - some situation of being in denial to certain parts of the own.
What makes us sick - socially - ... I believe thats whats really the itchy point round about various Kinks I mentioned - is the point of being powerless and what comes along with it; What so constitutes it and is constituted by it. The parent that is in sorrow about whether or not the child is/will be safe - I mean, that the first term to label parents in that situation, as beheld by a rebelling minor, being 'control freaks' would say it already. Control. And Control really comes down to intellect - I mean - understanding stuff and making educated decisions. Any non-consensual sexual intercourse does take that away entirely, hence there is no justification for any of that; Except once there is a true knowledge - but ... this "objection" isn't really relevant for anything outside of Unification. Its relevant here in a preparational sense; As precaution or against ... well, it doesn't really matter! It isn't an objection per se; And it shouldn't really be standing here as such. There is nothing to object to, its just being OCD about the content. ("OCD: obsessive compulsive disorder - is a mental disorter where people feel the need to check things repeatedly, perform certain routines repeatedly (called "rituals"), or have certain thoughts repeatedly. People are unable to control either the thoughts or the activities for more than a short period of time." - has become a term amongst gamers or nerd culture in general to refer to an urge to be thorough, meticulous, ... being incapable of 'letting go' if a task or situation appears unfinished or not sorted out entirely)
I mean - the problem with being OCD here is that issues are created where none should be. Pretty much as stated in the 'Rape Myth' point of the previous volume. And once people then jump in onto those 'non issues' ... yea, kabloom.

The bottom line is that I want us all to agree on the matter that its good to be able to evolve freely! I mean, whats life? If we say we're all the same, the stronger bottom line of equality is the equality of chance or how we wanna say ... that we all have the equal right to live a life as ideal as possible. Yea, repetitive stuff that is.

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That means ... 'as possible' - and is as always not to say that I advocate honkey-donkey-give-ashit; And for being unclear about it you can take all the volumes so far as headlined by that canvas statement, as though all this were a paper solely dedicated to pronounce serious objections to giving those kinds of shits. I mean, the opposite would be silly because it wouldn't need to be advocated because our realtime seriously right now is all about it!
But then you go and say: "Thats bad" and you have another party of mindsets freaking out about various statements to support that because it seems like I wanna advocate a dictatorship in the likes of Nazi Germany or Stalin(/Putin?) Russia.

I would like to consider myself an expert on rape, but I'm not! I am not! In the same way I would consider myself an expert; I have reasons to argue that I'm amongst those most incompetent to do so. But - in the way I consider myself an "expert" -and- can't be really taken seriously as such; I find myself manipulated by my own preferences to conceive rape (in the way I would enjoy it) as rape - because everything that qualifies as rape has an enjoyable "(evil) twin" that constitutes this 'enjoyable rape'. My mind is in this 'situation' setup to think of rape more on base of my pleasures than the bigger picture I am however not unaware of. I would look at the physical things, like, the idea of a woman raping a man would only function if she had a strap-on and were to penetrate the guys mouth and butthole. But that doesn't say that there are women I wouldn't want to have Sex with no matter how good they might look! And that isn't really a problem we individually have, each in our own way, we can rely on 'getting solved' because ... "we're so awesome" or whatever. Its the reason why we are inherantly dependent on each other, each others mind-sets, thoughts, ideas and what not.

The moment you exalt me onto this high pedestal giving me practically the solitary authority of intellectual dictatorship; You'd do the exact opposite of what I'm trying to say all the time and everywhere. Looking at the 'legitimate prophets' (those in the Bible/old Testament) the case is for once that God is telling them what to say and they do that - but even then most if not all the things they say aren't that authoritarian! We can connect the dots saying: "They speak on behalf of God, ergo we are to blindly follow each single word they say"; An idea regarding which Joseph Smith Jr. is a good example, or ... a bad one. He was basically going around demanding other guys wifes. And well, I don't want to judge that - I ... I wasn't there, I don't know what the guys or the wives were thinking - so - whatever! Its not our problem! And right! For the sake of betterment and living up to the Christian ideal we're doing better ignoring bad things that don't directly concern us - calling it 'forgiveness' at the very least - and also because simple guidelines have a larger potential of unifying a crowd! Instead we'd be pointing fingers at each other; And I guess you don't need me to make that happen! We don't even need religion for that matter! Although ... yea! But - whatever!
(The trigger example: A YouTuber that goes by the name of 'the Amazing Atheist' responded to a video by a YouTube channel called CRACKED. The video is called 'Cracked is SJW crap' or something. I however like the channel, but ... I'm also well aware of things that I don't really like. So - how am I going to however separate this from that? Answer: Not at alL! I'll either be entertained most of the time or not. Depending on the quality I'll come to tolerate more and more BS - while depending on my mood or mindset I'm more or less critical about what I'm gonna like. But the fact is that I can agree with the Amazing Atheist because there is that what I don't like, stuff I ignore or whatever; And eventually it doesn't change my mind about CRACKED - which depends however on my reasons to be subscribed to that channel and why I continue watching their stuff. Saying: Yea, stuff isn't Black and White always!)
Back at prophets: The entire Bible speaks to us through Mystery. I once came to define Mysteries as things we lack the intellectual connection to them we need to verify them as fact or fiction. Thats my understanding and so the way I use it most of the time. So - Genesis is a Mystery, unless you regard my Eden discovery - then we can basically demystify Genesis and say, hey! Moses was/is legit! (At least somehow. As legit as Joseph Smith Jr.)
And so - the prophets don't tell us what to do; And the story of Joshua is a good example of that. The story is that he came to replace Moses after Moses was 'taken away'; And that mostly because Joshuas faith had been outstanding. He wasn't amongst those that complained about everything, but amongst those that ... well, were 'obedient'? Is Joshuas story a story of obedience? No! Its a story of a person making independent decisions - as everyone else - based on the same things going on!
I'm sure that a lot of you, dear readers, would be amongst those that aren't portrayed all that well in the Exodus - but we can't really draw a perfectly neutral line here! God was doing things - and of course God would favour those that resonated well with the divine. Thats what Saints are all about! And to say that Saints are all about obedience is a huge pile of horseshit!
And I'm not talking of Roman Catholic Saints here. I'm thinking of figures as Joshua, Nimrod, Enoch, David, Elijah and Samuel; People that may have had a background of obedience - but you can't ultimately remove that from the context of God-to-Humanity relationship. Maybe I'm not remembering it correctly; Whether it was Samuel or a figure around him; But I guess it was Samuel - being basically 'given' to the Tabernacle, like a Slave or an unwanted Child, but his spiritual development is pretty much the 'Neo' (Matrix) kind of thing. Cluelessness! Having no straight path - thus wondering: "What?" - and engaging into a relationship with the divine to solve that personal struggle.


There are reasons to support the idea that Atheism 'is' the matter of fact right Religion. The idea is to remove God from the picture - to negate the power that people excercise through a confused idea of what Gods will is! I mean - being anti SJW, Pharisees were the SJWs of back then. What I mean is that they have this 'need' to ... 'cause order' - but that is a difficult to do without a concept of order. So, Atheist SJWs have their idea of whats right; While in a religiously dominated culture the scriptures do that work for them. Kindof. I mean - the story about clean vs. unclean in Mark 7 comes to mind. The pharisees had a problem with Jesus and his guys not washing their hands prior to eating; Which might sound weird, but I very well don't wash my hands before I eat something I just bought at McDonalds or ... some other fast food restaurant or imbiss ... or have a snickers or bit into an apple - no matter how 'gross' that might seem when now so looking at it and thinking of hygiene. The Pharisees however didn't argue about hygiene - they argued about 'Tradition'. Thats like saying that I'm a sinner because I don't wash my hands before eating!

What we get out of Atheism is the need to reason on our own what right and wrong is - what good and evil is, more specifically. We get to an independent, intellectual concept of good and evil - and yea, Christians aren't wrong either! I mean - Christianity in the sense of confinements of freedom. Its an elaborate decision to not drink alcohol or not to smoke or not to eat pork. Yea, SDAs don't eat pork! Its an ideological dichotomy - saying, there is one whole that is separated into two by eventually just adding one thing into the whole. There then is the new thing and the rest. But its still 'a whole'.
And further - without properly recognizing God and belief in Christ things are gonna stay fucked up - and thats the situation in regards to which I am a Saint! I mean - I think I do qualify! What I'm saying is that I didn't really go down the Theological route, education-wise. I was a rebel we might say; Being Atheistic in the sense that I wanted to ignore God although never saying or arguing that I don't believe that God doesn't exist! But again the epiphany of Gods work drove me back to a faith-oriented life, seeking an understanding of the Scriptures, God and the Truth ... etc..


So - for those that are desperately trying to get a proper idea of what my life has been like so far, a short Biography:

I did grow up as the eldest child of a Seventh Day Adventist family. My Mother grew up as a Seventh Day Adventist in the Philippines while my Dad grew up as Child of Roman Catholic parents; While my Gramps there only converted back to Catholicism in order to marry my Grandma.
We lived in the same house. My gramps owned a company; Temperature Isolation stuff; And we so lived in an semi-Industrial area.

I was born on the 6th of December 1983 ad - and grew up without the slightest doubt that God exists; But I wasn't really religious. I enjoyed secretly eating Pork at my Grandparents - and it didn't seem that big a deal considering my Grandparents and Dad were jolly drinkers of alcoholic liquids; Which contradicts the SDA way of life as eating pork does.

I remember myself having Trans-sexual thoughts and feelings almost since I can remember. I very well remember the movie 'the Blue Lagoon' (except I don't remember a lot from the movie at all) - that it made me want to be pregnant for instance. I also remember an Anime (although I have the suspicion that I'm remembering it entirely wrong) where the female protagonist in the end transformed into a Vacuum Cleaner android (I'm sure it was the way around, because the way I remember it, it doesn't really make sense. But then I didn't really pay a lot of attention because that was during a house-party (and some guests brought the movie with them)) - anyway, I attached to that (what I think I saw) more than the male, cool, dynamic, badass hero.
My remembrance of those kinks in me did however not really stick. I grew up as a boy and was more interested in toys and playing with them than being bothered by my not even consciously existing sexuality. Yet, eventually it became more than just fantasy - saying that I felt an urge to tie myself up and have my legs slipped through just one leg of my pyjama. Yea, early crossdressing and BDSM fetishes around the age of 8. Maybe even 6. I had gangbang and piss fantasies around the same age, though a bit later. And it wasn't gangbag per-se; But ... I fantasized about being a woman surrounded by guys taking out their cocks and ... ??? Well, why would they do that? I was confused! Pissing on me? Weird! Discarded! Forgotten! (This all certainly before I got into High School age; And no - if my parents did any kind of Sexual harassment on me then I can't remember any of it!)

My dad used to spank me using a leather belt when my teachers would call telling them that I didn't do my homework; Or that one time where my dad found out that I had taken his camcorder to 'play around' with it! Yea, thats sad! I was doing Stop-Motion with legos and shoes; I was trying to make a movie; And I was kindof doing porn!
What porn? ... Uhm, difficult. It was the beginning of my puberty I guess. I did cut pictures from magazines and glued them onto paper - having a collection of things that turned me on - filmed that, but I also used that bedsheet to wrap myself up and then stripped down. That was all childs play. There wasn't a deeply elaborate plan or plot or anything - just impulse.

Because of the domestic violence that went on I started to doubt Gods care for me. I didn't have a cognitive relationship understanding 'why' my Dad would punish me - ... and it didn't make me do more homework! It eventually encouraged me to study a bit more and all that, but eventually the parental oversight wore off and so my motivation to do those things.
So I wanted God to send me a living Dinosaur so I could know that He exists and cares for me - but He didn't - and thus I turned my back on Him in disappointment. (And this should be one of the few sentences where I refer to God as 'He'/'Him').
As my 'not doing my Homework' situation got worse my Dad/Parents took me from the school I've been visiting and transferred me to another school, closer to my Dads place of employment; And that because so I'd be forced to spend my time in my Dads office doing my homework. The time in that school was really the worse! I had a hard time making friends. The few friends I had, well, weren't really friends. I guess I was that annoying jerk that had no friends and somehow tried to pretend that there could be some kind of a friendship going on. So yea, the only real friend I had during that time was a guy equally as much of an outsider as I was. The thing is: We weren't nerds! We were more like freaks. The cool guys were either Nerds or your average High School movie hero.
But I kindof made friends with that one guy who was famous for having a lot of games - like - he was the one guy notorious on our school for having 'the Definitive Video Game collection' - and he's the source for most of my PC oriented video gaming experience of that time. The games that really stuck to me were Doom, Duke Nukem 3D, Wolfenstein 3D, Indiana Jones - Fate of Atlantis (although this is at the definitive bottom of my list of beloved Games. I barely even played it); And ultimately UFO - Enemy Unknown and X-Com - Terror from the Deep.
That was the Nintendo 64 era. Star Wars - Shadow of the Empire, Zelda - the Ocarina of Time; And not Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider was what Playstationers and PC guys were about. I Loved my Nintendo!

During that time I think I've also made averagely good friends with the girls of our class - but - I didn't have the slightest Sexual Interest of any kind. I mean, I barely even considered the chance of having a girlfriend, though in hindsight I wondered what I could have had.

My parents got divorced while I was visiting that school - I mean, my Mom left my Dad and she took us (my Brother and myself) with her - and the time that Godzilla (the Emmerich one) was playing in theatres marks the summer that I changed to yet another school; One closer to the place we moved to.
Because my social competence has been basically non-existent I had an equally hard time socially connecting to the rest of my class, but it wasn't quite as bad. Its strange to realize, thinking of the school I was before, that the one guy who would be portrayed as the Bully if making a movie of me in that school, was ultimately one of the nicer guys to me. I mean - I was a cry-baby and eventually they realized it and then they began to be a little bit more encouraging towards myself. Weird - but that also helped me stop being a cry-baby. I mean, I quite literally was crying over stuff like a baby! Thanks!

Anyway ... new school. It was a different town - more of a crime and gangstership kind of town; So the cool-guy:outsider relationship was a bit different. So, nerds=outsider kind of stuff. Sortof. More the cliche kind of bullying situation. But I wouldn't say that there was some serious bullying going on; except that one story between that one teacher and that one classmate ... which didn't really concern me.
I made friends with the Nerds - and well, turns out that I was prepared for becoming a part of "it" - as, UFO and X-Com experiences were a major conversation topic.

I have to correct myself though. I was just thinking of my sexual interests during that time; And I realized, yea, there was that one person in that school before (my first High School: Ludwigsburg. The second: Gerlingen. The third: Kornwestheim) whom I did have an elaborate interest in, but she was one of our teachers; And considering all the shit that gets thrown at relationships of that kind I think I was "lucky" that ... well, it never happened!
Anyway. I think this one girl in that new school had an interest in me, but that also would be the first instance of 'stupid' (I don't know if that one situation with that Teacher could have turned out differently) - it was like every sexual part of my brain got severed from my consciousness. So, I couldn't react! I never could react to such situations! None of the ones that came thereafter. It seems I can therefore only get hooked on impossible situations.

One of those Nerds that I befriended in Kornwestheim was a major influence to my programming career; Though my mind turned blanks when it got to learning Java or Visual Basic. So QBasic was all I knew about.
Kornwestheim was the school I then finally graduated from - and thereafter went to the german counterpart to College - which was where I was underperforming and finally dropped out. My Mum offered the chance to go to a College in the Philippines, but same situation there. But that was the time where I found my way back to God.
The trigger was a book about the Revelation wherein I got hooked on the idea that the Roman Catholics are the evil church that is mentioned throughout the Bible - or, so, the 4th Beast in Daniel and Babylon in the Revelation - and; I saw yea - or at least that anyway people these days know way too little and therefore made stupid decisions, one after the other; And that sparked my motivation to go onto an intellectual cruisade against Bullshit.

So - in terms of real life I may have been the freakiest freak ever, but in terms of what composed my existence per se I was kindof made for that kind of stuff. I was a loner, so no drawbacks in terms of dedicating my time to the Word and the Lord! Being more familiar with fiction and its Lore than any real-life concept or concern; That mindset ... perfect!
Returning to Germany I had evolved to a major Pothead too; While before I moved to the Philippines I've really been a pothead for maybe less than a year - depending on how you count it. I took the first few puffs (that didn't really do anything) of weed during the summer break between graduating from High School and attending College - and up to my Birthday didn't really have a lot of exposure to any potheading. After like 6-9 month at college I dropped out; And yea ... my life really began as I returned from the Philippines and I then really began to smoke a lot; Which was essentially though just a continuation of what my life had become before I left to the Philippines.
My time in the Philippines had been overshaddowed by a Love interest that awoke in my a short time before I left to there. And that one 'haunted' me for about 4 years. Short to 4 years.
I was fantasizing a lot - and grew pretty delusional and maybe even schizophrenically paranoid; And I would blame Marijuana for that. In the worse stages of that delusion I was fantasizing that she would respond to my interest positively; And because her mum and my mum were friends I had the idea that she might wait for me at our home once I would come back there from my friend where I used to spend most of my time smoking weed and playing videogames. Yea, thats what I did for a living, kindof. Lol! But I was so into this that I literally expected her to be there at home every day and that for; I don't know how long; Months - maybe even years - to the point that I would brute force myself out of my social environment to go home earlier; And once she wasn't there I eventually even worried that she may have been there but went before I got home. (I wrote a LOT of letters to her; And essentially I was just going like "What the Fuck?" - in a weird way. Totally fanatic. Maybe even scary. I showed up at her school, at her home - I was ... batshit crazy! But I didn't stalk her! I guess she had legitimate reasons to believe that I might ... well, "sorry" for that; But ... I don't believe that she was innocent about getting me into that weird situation ... which is ... maybe paranoid; But I have my reaons. There were a few incidents that worsened that situation to the batshit craziness it eventually became - and the one situation is my friend whom I smoked with imposing as an angel telling me it would happen; And she calling me on the phone pretending to be an angel telling me that it would happen. I don't know how I could have fallen for that - it were however situations where I felt like ... a bystander to my existence. And both times they mentioned signs that would tell me that it would happen. Weird shit! The said I would watch TV and zap through some Channels - listing up a few - and one time I found myself bored, zapping through TV and that triggered something. She told me that I'd watch the movie 'Kids' - and once my Brother came home with the Video Tape - that also triggered that. But anyway ...)

Soon after I was back in germany I also ditched my interest in the Bible and tried to get into other things. I bought a copy of the Dao De Ging and the I Ging - and that was also around the time where the whole 'Matrix events' started to grow. About those: The time I fell in Love with that girl was during a party - a Love song was playing and I was high as shit. I thought about the possibility of being with her, the Music kindof played into my head and I dreamed along with those positive ideas and from there on was hooked.
So I eventually believed that the Universe or something would speak to me through the Music - but ... yea, it didn't stay that simple! As you all may very well be aware of!
But eventually I felt empty - and the idea of returning to God, calling the time I had spent on other things enough, made me feel Good and beloved. But so my faith came to mingle into that Love - which was bad as the situation was bad anyway - but on that basis I eventually found my way to the Mormon Church.

So - after I was back in germany I spent some time smoking weed; And as we were forced to move out of the apartment where we lived in, my Brother and I moved back to our gramps because of space issues. My Mum eventually found an appartment, but there wasn't enough space for my Brother and I; And so he moved to our Mother and I stayed at my Gramps. During that time I found employment as a Butcher Trainee, but being a Butcher eventually depressed the shit out of me so I even found myself laying my neck on a rail, wanting to get rolled over by a train. But - I eventually figured that this would be a stupid thing to do and chose to live on.
I quit work, figured that my life sucked, got utterly depressed from reading in the Bible, threw the book into a corner, cried, prayed to the Most High, got visited by a weird Force that first comforted my tears and then made me look back into the Bible, discovered that there are Books of the Bible I never heard of (the Apokrypha/Deuterocanonic books), found out about the Nazirites vow, vowed - read through the 5 books of Moses the first time; All of it; Within 2 weeks and the first thing I found out about was Eden - and that kindof spoke volumes to me about how well I understood the content of those Books! There-after I was "claimed" by the German Armored Forces, wrote my 'nope, I don't wanna' too late (that was the legal situation in germany. Every male had to serve at arms for 9 month, but not if we had legitimate reasons not to. Instead we then had to serve 10 month in some social institution. I ended up in a refugee home as assistant caretaker/janitor).
So, I was in the armored forces for 3 month; Lost a bet, had to cut my hair; And in hindsight: I can in deed separate the water in a tub so that ants could walk in-between. Just take a cup, take some water from the tub and place it next to the tub. Lol!
I mean - I admitted that I was serious though; And cut my hair. I felt the need for redemption, wanted to get baptized, returned to the church I grew up in; But being worried about it being wrong way I prayed to God to stop me from getting baptized there in case it was wrong - and so it happened. The night I walked home from the Bible Lesson where the guy said he couldn't baptize me under those circumstances I was pretty sure that I should become a Mormon - but I was hesitating. So, I asked that friend of mine who you would think screwed me over all that time to Baptize me - and I felt like locked into a psychological prison; Which is another reason why I urged towards the Mormon church. Mormon Baptism then blasted all the badness away, all the negativity was gone; And it took only like 3 month until I was also discarding that weird Love interest I've had.

This period also co-incides with the Buildup ... hmm ... or was it post Unification? Hard to say. It co-incides and ... it yet came worse. I fell in Love with J.Lo - and one of the things that had me going crazy was the idea that God is superior and that I was right, the other folks in my life were wrong, and she would come to proof that. That also lasted for almost 4 years - and I also tried to show up on her doorsteps; Went to NYC and lived as a homeless for 2 weeks; Went to LA and lived as a homeless for 3 month; And basically wasted the time fantasizing and writing (Letters, though in LA I did go a bit further. I was encouraged to do a neutral writing - the one guy mentioned I could write a report. The other guy was interested in homeless people in general and I guess wanted to give me a chance to express myself - whatever it is that I was working on ...).
Returning from LA I carried a resparked interest in designing Video Games with me. I plotted a few games, sent ideas to Nintendo and to Capcom; But eventually figured that I should learn more about doing them myself. I had the impression - that was the Force doing shit to me I guess - that I would ultimately fail because others would have more going for themselves. Like, 3D Models instead of just drawings. I related to that as 'my enemies' would do that - and since then was kindof believing that they eventually achieved to boot me out; And figured that I've got a bit of an uphill struggle ahead of me. That was a split psychological setting, furthermore, from my crush for J.Lo - so, I kindof couldn't connect the two properly. On the one side I was bothered by religion and belief - and on the other side I had a good time programming stuff.

I found an employment as a trainee to a Business man after I got baptized, after my Unification, before I fell in Love with J.Lo - and did quit that after 3 month and left to NYC. Back from NYC, well, I basically continued to be crazy in my isolated reality - until I figured that going to LA might be the better idea.
I came back from LA at the end of 2006 - learned C++ the second half of 2007 - and started to upgrade to a Planet as environment rather than a 2D worldmap the first half of 2008. I got pretty far to the end of 2008 (Globe Wireframe, Dungeon basics, 3D Editor - all in one) - and from getting back into Stargate at around that time I was inspired to invent an Operating System; And while working around on that stuff I felt the need for a break the first half of 2009 and thats how I ended up prostituting myself for about 4 years.

Leaving that place because of private reasons; And problems with the noise at the place (I lived at the place for that time); I was homeless. The first shelter I lived at I met two alcoholics I got really good friends with (Lee and Woodie); And the second half of 2014 I was signed up for an employment creation measurement, klinik.tv, where I met another guy I got really good friends with (Martin).
That situation ended the end of June 2016 - so, thats pretty recent; And the next measurement is up to begin in about 2 weeks. Then its gonna be about applying for work and eventually finding work.


And I'm still pretty much - in terms of functional code - in the beginning of both, the Video Game and the OS. I feel kindof cursed about that stuff ... but ... uhm, anyway.
Being prostituted was at first weird because I couldn't really connect to my collegues. I got along just fine with my Boss (a woman); And the "core crew" of the place. It was all in all a fun time to start with - but mostly I got along fine with "fags" and "hookers".
But I still couldn't help feeling kindof different.

During that time I got me the daeryabaar.com domain ... and while my initial designs were kindof good - I kept on redesigning and rewriting it over and over again; And next to that kindof stuck to my Programming interests.
The whole time was furthermore overshadowed by an all-time Low of suitors. A real low! Bitches that had a real good life going, money wise, were basically kindof starving out eventually. A real drought! The place I lived at eventually had a really hard time taking enough money in to pay the monthly bill - especially after tax raises - which was pretty much the nail in the coffin.


And now - here I am, today!

---

---

Kindof crazy how my life is a story of stumbling from one shithole into the other. But - considering the mental health progress I've made ... its kindof miracolous; And thats where I think my success finally builds on. I mean, I can't help but wonder that this drought or finally the financial oppression were about getting me out of that place. I was independent, had everything I need; And I don't believe that was part of their plan!

Now, was it wrong to leave? I don't think so! I came to wonder how long I should "wait" for something to happen - or how long I should stick around. Eventually the situation however became unbearable to me - and to stick until the places bankrupcy was a definite no - but the place was pretty close to it as I left. So - it all came together - and after all, the situation there was still pretty one sided; Ideologically. So yea, it was good to leave! Really good!


When I refer to my life as bad - the point is that I never really saw a Light! I saw Light for sure - but, speaking of that Light at the end of the Tunnel - how can it be Light if that end just leads back into, well, this shitty world? Its a point of view thing! And we see from where we stand - and I stand in this world as a trans-sexual whore that isn't trans-gender nor prostituted!

...


And all in all - to me - its all somewhat surreal. I'm living in the now; ... - and I believe that it is due to the fact that I grow Ninefoldish while not having a corresponding physical/social existence that the mental stuff is all I carry along with me. That is stuff that 'is' - not stuff that was. It feels like a Bubble I'm carrying around with myself, ... and my past, my real life, everything ... is like a dream.
But on top of that something is weird whenever I mention 'Anna' - that first Love interest I mentioned there. Its like a Black Hole - or Darkness - some weird feeling like a shadow thats coming upon my mind. No matter how I present the story, I feel like its always gonna end badly; I mean - I get that feeling of craziness. Maybe its partially memory - as though my memories of her; Or more specifically that time; Are strongly tied to my mental conditions of that time. But ... I can't ignore this new, other feeling either; That I feel bad about giving her the chance to apologize and pretend like she didn't do anything evil.

Well - interesting point! How does Sympathy work in the Ninefold?
For that point I have to say that it evolves. Maybe there isn't a real consistency to it either. I mean - take the way Jesus healed the sick. There is the story of a blind man, whom he healed by rubbing mud onto his eyes, then he told him to wash himself and that he'd be seeing again; While other times he just said: 'walk' and people could walk again. We can label that 'artistic freedom' - and so is my experience with ... things like ... what I see; Here and there, as in people.

There is a good movie though that shows pretty much how it "looks" early on - probably second sphere stuff - and the movie is called 'Dante 01'. So - its like thos symbols the guys sees in the faces of others ... kindof. But the visible there isn't really that 'in your face' kind of visible - and more importantly is it so that this visualization is an effective thought in the own mind and therefore holding information or a feeling; Hard to describe. Its like an X-Ray vision; And the main reason why I eventually trusted those impressions was because ... whats the alternative? Its a rhetorical question! There is as much of a choice as there is a choice about acknowledging the existence of the sun!
I could decide not to trust those impressions - but nonetheless couldn't help but subconsciously align to them nonetheless.
Since then things have changed though. I'm mildly confused about it too. Maybe thats because I can legitimately only remember one person where I got something like reading, or an 'impactful' reading. So either there's just like 1 in ... 100 or 200 that isn't really 'sufficiently good' - or, I guess "weird" (in a 'new' sense of what 'weird' is) says it better. However - I also kindof don't really look for that, or, ignore it nonetheless because ... I wouldn't behave or want to behave differently anyway. Yea - "playing along" ... or I mean, I don't have a reason to judge.
What I'm getting instead is much like a fog - kindof - or, I don't know. I know whom I want to socialize with - its an issue of comfortablitiy; And the point is that I'm not getting positive vibes from the idea of socializing with her, or J.Lo for that matter.

And the only Person from the Stargate cast I'm getting such vibes from is the actress of Elizabeth Weir (Atlantis).


Stargate for noobs: There is an awesome "intro" called 'the Road taken' - which worked for me as Hype Gate to really get invested into the franchise again. Recommended Season to start watching: Season 5 (SG1). Atlantis is pretty much ... 7, end of 7??? Recommended Season for Atlantis - no investment: 3. Episode 3 is a classic!


This "new weird" - the word 'entitlement' comes to mind, or - a strange convulated ... weird ... metamorphosis of independence. I guess its closely related to the issue of 'Blindspots' - uhm, nope.
Clueless. I think that psycho-analysis over this kind of distance and without active feedback is kindof sub-optimal.


And anyway does it not happen to be so important - I think. Although, I guess there are places where the concentration of such is higher than elsewhere. Well - it doesn't matter anyway until you can see it yourself. If at all. Its ... to call it the artistic freedom of God I guess dependent on the situation. Whatever is necessary for us to see will be seen. I guess that kindof nails it. I mean - the Force is a living thing. So - that in a sense means that there isn't anything special going on per se!


And I don't like pointing fingers at anyone; No-one I don't know anyway. With Anna its different. Its more personal - and I still feel attacked! I'd say she's a crazy power-hungry bitch that basically has a craving addiction for recognition; A control freak; And through upholding a lie and sortof depending on it for life she's also kindof delusional in terms of her capacity of acknowledging reality. But because this doesn't render her incapable of existing in this weird world, and the sociopathic genious, she manages to blend in quite well. Although - thats a wrong way of putting it. Its less a 'blending in' but more of a 'bending the world around her'. Much like the entire Feminism bullcrap touched so far.

It may however also be that I'm getting things mixed up. Maybe the Sarkeesian 'is' Anna - at the very least does she kindof fit into that spot that bothered me before I stumbled into the entire situation; Like, what I thought of Anna kindof got sucked into that vacuum.
Hard to say - but - it isn't really important either! I mean - it doesn't really concern me right now and I don't know how I really could help anyone either! Except maybe in mis-understanding me. Or, well yea, destroying misunderstandings for that matter.


And yea - in that regard, well, I may as well be crazy or still partially paranoid there. Kindof. Though, thinking of when I felt how about someone, the consequence of whats going on is still a matter of taking distances or the opposite - and well, whatever! I mean, it happened as it happened - and that partially because, well, things are the way they are. I mean, duh!
And all in all things did turn out pretty well for me so far!

I mean - I don't feel like I came to trust anyone who screwed me over; Or if I trusted someone wrongly there isn't a reason to call that out because nothing bad happened! Uhm yea - thinking about those 2 guys in klinik.tv - which, I mean, if someone played the other, then I was playing them!

And in that sense - if there is a measurement of right vs wrong behaviour, thinking of causes and consequences, I would say its all in the hands of God; And if something about me is different, in this non Unified sense of socializing, then its nothing remarkable except that I'm somehow significantly more privileged when it comes to coming out on top.
There is a parable in those source books - and the comparison is that of a ball to the players. See - in "the game" there is that one person 'on top' - we might say. So, the game, in the social scope, is a matter of ... yea, pulling the strings - and knowing the players and all that. So - someone can kick events into action, and before various "players" even come to know about it - ... and its not a knowledge of 'the game', but just contact to whatever is moving there, the thing is already rolling. So, its a bit like billard. So, I can't necessarily tell which things in my life are happening for what reason; And so I don't know whom to trust or what to do - or what to avoid and what not, what to go for and all that. Technically. I mean ... if there were no God!

Think about it: What did I come to do the last years? I failed! I mean - thats been pretty much it! Anything I could do or have done in order to succeed were things I passed on doing. Or, things I found myself incapable of thinking further about. So - I think of that network of baddies thats put in place to take care that I won't make it. There are potentially gate-keepers that look into cockblocking me out of any potential road to success I could step onto, and certainly "anti bodies" wherever I could potentially get a growing influence, I mean, the 'sensitive target areas'. So - how to move up against that?
Whatever the point - on the other hand, what can I do, considering everything? I mean, whats the least amount of effort required for me to conquer that problem? Turns out - I barely have to do a thing at all! So, why making a big wuzz?

In turn they felt safer - dared a bit too far away from safe - and bam! I mean ... so yea; For a while it seemed like they could play me - but eventually I turned out to be a pool ball that inexplicably changed its course and scored for the other team!

Simple! And thats why this 'how do I see whom' issue isn't really that important! I mean - there is something, I'm sure that with training and support people can really become professionals of some kind ... but, what practical use would I have? I would rather put myself at risk by knowing too much! And so ... that!
I mean - if I knew more than I should; And eventually reacted accordingly, I'd act 'crazy' ... schizophrenic, paranoid, ... because what could I argue in defense? That I'm Unified with God because "the Matrix" and Books and Jesus? The more you think about it, the more reasonable it may seem that I'm wrong here - but - what would you think, in real life? You wouldn't know what to think; And the more you'd sympathize with me, the higher you'd move on their list of people to have an extra eye on!
So - it works pretty well for me to even go like: There are no bad guys! Why bothering?
There are people though that do stupid things as far as we are concerned; And thats ultimately revelation enough!

---

A good point: The difference between how you deal with social issues and how I deal with them is a matter of how we behold social structures and influences. I mean, saying tha 'the Matrix' thing is enough for me to make my way kindof leads me to the question: Why is nobody doing anything? I mean, people whom I tried to show it barely even wanted to look at it!
But in theory its all setup! Its all there! So, whats the problem?
One problem would be in your perception of how society "rolls" - or, more so: You don't see it rolling at all! You kindof have to establish this hypothetical reality - and the social structures therein are motionless. You for instance maybe don't see the 'over time' evolution of a human minds comprehension. You kindof imply the consequence of logical reason to be present already. So, the whole "because this, that, and therefore so, and that concludes into so and so and so forth" kind of stuff. So, if I could explain everything in just a minute - OK, there might be a chance.

Try to make up, if you're convinced that I'm making the mistakes, a hypothetical frame around you - and wonder: Why don't you do what you should? According to yourself!?
Maybe because God wants it so - ... but why don't you resist? Or so, how do you know its God?

But anyway ... I guess I its a better case example to speak about artworks. When I think about the success I could achieve ... with anything I could do, like, given that I have time to invest in writing a game and publishing it, like, just ... a simple puzzle game, Steam Greenlight and so forth - to so make a living and become more independent ... I feel a shroud of stress on the one side, get the feeling of a lot of time lost in progress; And nothing gained on the side of advancing in the matters of the mission. I could work on and on to the point that I'd have an easier time; But I feel that it isn't necessary!

And that is why I can chill and take my time to make more than just another puzzle game!
The easiest high quality game I could think of would be a racing game - which would end up looking a certain way considering the time I have to put into it. It might work out well, maybe thats why I only see 'black' when I think about it!
But I guess its rather because I don't have a solid concept - so - I have no comparison!

Anyway - part of the reason 'why' I should write a game is part of the reason why I 'shouldn't'. Its a blackmailing. Its part of the game! A game I won't play! I mean, I'm trying - I guess! But not too hard!


Its easy! Maybe my interest in programming is just a way for me to have something to do, bridging certain voids of time where I have nothing to write about, time I need to dugest or grow in other ways. And the idea that any pressure on me to finish a game ends up being totally ridiculous! I mean, who's the one who's reaching out with a finger, and who's the one grabbing the entire hand there? But maybe thats not even really the issue anymore! I feel like I'm already sucked down the wrong alley by even reasoning in this sense! So either way ... not relevant!


The thing is that I won't do anything without 'the Juice'. No inspiration, no go! End of the Line!


2016ad-August the 29th-16:10