Why Porn Matters

Issues of Streamlining Consciousness into comprehensive common terms

The Word is less than the Thought

So, ... this Unification thing is a thing - to me it is, and I guess we'll never get on even terms if I can't "lower" myself properly. Which isn't to say that you don't have to do your thing for this to work too, but ... maybe it gets clear from looking at what I 'meant' to make this point for or/as from. I have a certain Level of "consciousness" - at the very least we can start to make it so, as of which everyone has one. But what is this "consciousness"? It is 'a word' - the word - and whatever I implied to myself when using that word is my thought to it - or so: 'The Original Idea'. Now is 'consciousness' to my understanding and observation a rather poorly described word. It is something within ourselves that has to yet share its meaning with various other terms - psychology, psyche, mind, spirit, mentality, etc. - where it isn't clear what to take as different and what to take as synonym. So I can technically go and mix my own understanding and call it 'consciousness'. Not OK? Well, right - I guess: A proper scientist would approach that matter differently ... then. But in other words: We can at this point try to put it so: What do we want the word 'Conscious' (as in: to be of consciousness or whatever) to mean? I can look at myself and find that I want that word to describe what I see as anything from 'nil' to end when it comes to expressing what 'consciousness' is/means to me. When it then gets to the 'sub-conscious', I understand further that our sub-consciousness does not only contain things from "deep below", but also things we just temporarily forgot. They are not sub-conscious per se, in that they aren't things that never surfaced to our awareness, but are as though we never knew. And whether that now is part of 'consciousness' or not - that don't matter to me now. If I ever get to deep into such things, forgive me - and by such things I mean: Stuff I shouldn't be bothered about. Stuff I do wrong - or wouldn't do right.

Now - to measure consciousness, we would need tools that could show us what we see in ourselves, so - since we can't do that as far as I'm aware of, that isn't a good start. So, how was that again?

  • Matter (Colored Shapes)
  • Shaped Matter (Objective Shape Recognition)
  • Structured Matter (Advanced Shape Recognition)
  • 4 Elements (Wholistic/Environmental Understanding)
  • Life (Structured Understanding over Time)
  • Judgement, Reason, Acting (Intellectual Correspondence)
  • Independence (Self-deployment of responsibility)
  • Thought (Philosophical Constructs, Advanced Reasoning)
    •
    Where I would be:
  • The Force (Unification with God)
  • The Light/Identity (The perpetuation of Light)
  • The Receiving Spirit (The subjectiveness of Everything)
  • The Creative Spirit (The realness of the Invisible)
  • The Source (The peace within) <<< here
    •
    Where, if you noted, naturally the things within the Ninefold are a bit vague as growing inside of some form of endless loop to higher and higher structures. So, it is my oppinion that I thereof have a greater Understanding of Mind as 'you would' - or can - and with this Understanding I have to correspond to/with you. This implies, that if I fail to deliver these things to you in a manner that you can understand, I must appear as "above" or "beyond" - which means, well, you have to "Level out" and that puts me beneath you. Well, duh, because I could as well tell you of the Flying Spaghetti Monster then!

    But the issue with the Truth is that it is really there; And so, in perspective: Lets say that God came amongst us, as human being, and spoke to us about the things concerning this, and fulfilled 'this' promise within a few chosen ones that were ready at that time. So, lets conclude, that if this were the case, those people would have lived in the dark; At least to our modern review; And so - this information, whatever it was, got lost. That is to say: If it is/was there. So, we can take a look at what Christendom is today; And in the Bible we however don't find that information. So, either it got lost, or it wasn't there to begin with. Then "of course" the Book of Mormon mentions that information, but doesn't really contain it either. "Go figure!"?
    But that doesn't matter. If that information exists, and lets say I had it, it wouldn't be 'lost' to me, whatever it is that I wrote - or what you believe! The latter is a however - well, its bullshit (drama alert!). Anyway - this is now just a hyperbolic projection of what this truth is about - I mean, its theoretical, its the magnification of an idea, that can be objectively dealt with regardless of its absolute true value. And that is basically what we're dealing with most of our life! Like ... money! A trade item. Any word. Or well, finally: desires.


    Well, what is 'finally' here is that - you have to agree at some point, that as we're talking of deeper structures of our own self, we individually get to know reality from the things we find there respectively, individuality, which basically also gets us into intimacy at some point. Privacy and Intimacy are 'nice to have' - and while the acid of the world would even want to chew that away, there certainly is that good of a strict boundary beyond which we can cultivate our own good without being 'challenged by the System'. So, if I want to play Video Games, I don't care if I suck at it! If its fun, ... its OK! I mean, I love playing Civilization - at least Civ 2, I played the heck out of it - but maybe not to the degree that is like "public standard"; Uhm, which is something about Blizzard Games that I learned. I guess I would even recommend that one tries to get either smart/good at at W.o.W. or Starcraft II, maybe the latter, as to learn playing a basic build-order for instance. Me getting into those games, well, I wanted freedom, but what I found was a demand for discipline - effectively. As Protection Paladin you are for instance expected to have certain skills - both virtual and real. There is also somewhat of an 'arcane art' in all that, saying, the better you know the abilities, the more you can evolve your own; Though, if you're playing a class that is challenging to play in the role you chose, that means that there are certain ways -only- that finally work. As I was last playing it, the Paladin was a really Challenging healer as he'd burn out of Mana rather quickly. But - in both cases we're back in the social/competitive space - where there is a demand that inherantly isn't our own.
    Thereby it is now up to us individually, to however align to this absolutely 'real' "environmental demand" - and what privacy and intimacy imply is partially dictated by that demand. But anyhow - what I want to say is that the further "we get", the more sexual things do get 'for me'. So - the structures that unfold on that Level can be described plastically, but to really understand them you'll have to know about their inherant functionality - or I guess: Thats what we're getting to here.

    Regarding sub-consciousness, here an idea: The more of our sub-conscious we 'conquer', the less remains hidden. Imagine how you were as a baby, inherantly incapable of counting 1 and 1 together, but still the ability was there in what we might say is 'sub-conscious'. If you're like me and you have this kindof 'crack' in your head, making you kindof 'bad at math', then your subconsciousness is in my oppinion not really one destined to be a matematician. So, there is this sub-conscious structure that you may recognize within yourself; Yet not really knowing more about it than someone who were to look at a drawing/3D-projection of it. Well, "duh", its 'sub-conscious' - which means: You don't (even) know what to look at - or what you 'are' looking at per se. If it weren't subconscious, there were a consciousness about it to speak of. So, consciousness of the subconscious is an illusion - or, that is one kind of sub-consciousness that can now be directly declared as different to the other kind, if we describe illusion as 'with no ties to reality'. ..... - and where you now however deduce in this that if there is something as a 'true' sub-consciousness - we can call someone who has that "born into consciousness" as of a higher Level of Consciousness. But, how do I so describe best ... what, ... well, you all have 'joints' - at the very least your neck. So, there are muscles that allow you to move, this or that, whatever. These are fixed biological compounds that are free to some extent. So, once you lift your lower arm up and down, there are parts of your muscle that have to move 'through' their fixed channels - as your biceps 'stretched out' occupies more bone than once retracted. Imagine what I want to describe as a uni-directional two-way pipeline, like a vein but that the blood can flow into both directions. Within our organism that ability would be traumatic, but consciousness works in that regard more like snow. If you make a ball large enough you'll eventually even get ice inside. There isn't a real cirquit - but still there is an inner dependency on such 'heaps' of thought. What the Force does is inherantly unnatural, so, there is that end of what happens to us through that kind of Unification - and here we're also dealing a bit with something I wanna call 'meta complexity' for now. Meta complexity for instance emerges around denial. Thereby we seek a resolution to a topic that is in and of itself against something we put into active denial; But meta complexity may also emerge from individual preferences - as maybe that fabled 'ah!' moment. So, once you discover something new, or maybe even just re-experience something old, that drops into your mind as an answer to a sub-consciously prolonged question. Like discovering a shortcut of increased convenience with no loss. What you then do is that you 'love' that thing - which means: You direct 'pipes' leading towards the 'new' discovery - which may also be described as an "open, extroverted sphere" - but this openness yet inherantly concludes a streamlining of thought from the own conscious towards that spot. The same state of mind do we get when we are immersed into something. The Force can now, once it does become visible (which is a Unification thing), generate its own pools of attraction - that mind will then end up relying on. Following the very basics of a fundamental presence thereof - which is also individually grown and growing over time - and is also the accumulation of the simple fact and the corresponding actions and reactions - there is a faint and fluctuative form (whispers/"snow") and a hard and solid form ("blams!"!!!). These "blams" - to put it into perspective, are all connected to the first experience. This initial "blam" is though more the "arch blam" - and what happens after this initial 'flash' is that the mind finds rest and affirmation within the tools that brought it there. There it happens that the 3 Principles, 4 Lights and 12 Aeons basically 'glows' - as though it "snowed" out of nowhere onto them. This establishes a bottom line to that; And after the snow has settled, it basically 'sinks in' and what "remains" finally basically reflects this initial blam, and so things are practically "blammed in" we might say. You could also imagine the snow to first settle and the outlines to then ignite into a firy grid of light. In simplicity it however is an 'experience' that basically communicates to us as an inherant part of our consciousness. Uhm, ... if you imagine something, ... well yea, ain't that a topic!?
    Imagination. Don't mistake these 'blams' for things that remain there, always, once present. They kindof do, but not in that way ... you might expect. Think about our mind as that huge network of great many things, I mean, your individual one; And what we get to through the Force is basically what I would describe as ... manyfold.

    So, now starting from this "presumed foundation" - the "snowing on the 12 thing" - all the environmental experiences that started to emerge also tie into that, it is that now by 'seeing' we have the 1st essential confirmation. It is basically 'the echo from beyond' - as, while 'the snowing' happens internally, the mind can't help but associate the emergent force within its environmental perception to it - and therefore the one confirms the other. This describes a contemporary 'situation' we enter after our Unification, one wherein our mind grows to the extent that this setting does provide. To start with the 12 Aeons and that, it is first amongst the things that belong to the transition, it inherantly 'grows' until we can basically "swallow" it. By 'growing' I also mean: in depth. So, being fueled by what perception contributes the book is at some point essentially closed, and so it basically 'joins' our all-over 'Light'. Thereafter it is no longer up to the Force to uphold it, but it is our own awareness that beholds the fact. Like: 'yes is yes' - yes? You look into yourself and you mirror your knowledge and you have to say 'yes' because - yes!
    But then we may wanna know how everything in the Universe works, and, thats where things get a bit hairy. Thats not how it works! Anyhow - this situation is at some point replaced by another, where then a new figure is introduced to our mind; And by recalling structures to our mind as we get to certain points we get a sense of relativity. This inherantly influences ones mind to the point that it anticipates this extended memory, as of which the corresponding structure basically can be described as 'always there/existing' - while it is certainly there somewhere, in truth, but that rather as a construct of the Light, of -as in: from- God. If one wonders: Does God align to our wishes? - we may counter question it asking: Does He have to? Its a weird thing, but ... as for freedoms - we're free to error, until we get there where we get to hear it - "I told you!". Over and over. That is one aspect of perhaps a 'type' of struggle I have, ... but I get it generalized as: We grow as we are, "unicentric", so that naturally there are things that are "off track" of our mindset. What I meant to get to is that at some point we get to a second foundation; One like the 12 thing and what stuck to it, but something new. This now creates a "highway" between the two. So, there are only these two and so their connection is strong. Lateron we may even say: Assembled together. The own experience of the force cannot be separated from what it has established - while our own will in that can be represented as 'plants' that grow all over the place, from the willows to the flowers underneath/within the windows. This second foundation further has it, that as the second one - it is equally as basic as the first one. So, any diversity has its root in duality, while threefoldedness is just the same taken one step further. Anyway, we automatically get to draw connections between the two, as between things that individually matter; And therein the Force does its trick in that, well, it scoops from a pool of greater wisdom; And well ... next thing you know ... you relied entirely on the Force and ended up having deeply rooted "Highways" that can be used to describe your consciousness.

    But, the next problem is: "How?". It sounds easy, but one thing to keep in mind is that this growth is subjected to the enthropy of the world, sotospeak, in that there for instance are balance issues, but it may as well be as individually real as personal development, that the order in which we perceive things is ambigous to some degree. To speak of Pornography:



    Pornography has influenced me since way before I got Baptized; Yet - I have experiences regarding those attractions that reach deeper than porn and emerged during my childhood. Thus Porn, that vaguely images these earlier experiences, is something I resorted to, following a desire of self-discovery. So, first influence of the world would be the order in which I have seen what. These also only reflect "as much" - while possibly being biased by some degree into one or more directions; Due to the limitted availability of content. So, if you are into BDSM but not as much as into other things, a vastly BDSM focussed pool wouldn't do you much good - but next to that we have what we have, compare that to our sensory array and can figure out what we're missing. But still the structure that does unfold is in first place chaotic. Imagine a cloud of 10 orbs, and now the first thing is one arbitrary orb lighting up. That be one particular picture. Then curiosity, desire, pleasure moves on to somehow grow that pool, where a second light links to the first and this impact creates some bias - which would for instance determine what type of pictures we focus on to in some way close the gap. So, from adding one and one together we can experience a vacuum that is true to our selves - and therefore "go for it".

    Thinking about the 3 Runes for instance. They essentially turn up as ... well, ... lets put it that way: If we start ... hmm ... no well. Lets - ... .
    The second foundation is Clarity, at least to me it was, and I name it so. Its - like a Crystal, but 'Clear' and shining. It happens to be one of those 'Ah!' moments, the discovery of it, wherein I found myself confirmed and able to grow based on my true visions of myself. The establishment of Light made it so that I could discover myself anew going forward from it; And that in first place was a matter of finding the right 'words' to describe. So, why pictures? Well, pictures in a sense are the closest link I have, for myself, as between myself before and myself after Unification. As I know which pictures I liked and why - there is what I would call "my old self". These images help increasing the plasticity of something about me - which takes me to something I want to introduce here as 'the Kelch'. Picture it as the virtual manifestation of someones Clarity. This can be turned into arts as well - and range from individualistic to generalized impressions. There to me for instance are those things that I thought, as a kid, are/were awesome - so, all the forrest stuff from Secret of Mana, the Questing in the Legend of Zelda, stuff like that, so - as a close-up thats what my "Main Kelch" we might say would be decorated with. Imagine a blocky wireframe of "chrome-steel", embedded into that the textures of forrests - as from the Secret of Mana loading screen - and maybe the face of Link from a Link to the Past on the four sides. So - that all embedded into a brighter version of the Zelda 2 starting screen, landscape wise, or a darkened out starting area of the same game - focussed around bright outlines. Well - whatever, that would be my way of now 'describing' "awesome".
    That to me is basically its feeling translated into imagery.
    To however get to the Clarity itself - the Kelch is something different. The clarity would be the Light, or something, which the Kelch is metaphorically holding. This, you might guess, is what we establish by re-discovering ourselves through that 'click' - though in other words that is a process of filtering out what it is in the core. So, whatever you initially know about may as well only be the surface to something far deeper. Yet, without pictures, there is what I have to call 'vortexification' - these are central spaces connected to highways that lead to both foundations. The issue now with porn at that point is/were to find the things that resemble that truth the most. The next step is to turn that into some kind of language, which somehow has to communicate to us - so that we can learn from/about it. If we start with words for instance, there is a personal webbing that unfolds - and if I had taken better care of those things I could now look up what that has been for me originally. So - at the very least there was the term 'cattle' - as property of being a 'whore' - while vortexified into me through what feels as a whole/rig connected to shackles around my ankles, my wrists and my neck - while the shackle around my neck would furthermore super-impose an artificial throat, while the ankles and wrists add pressure into/onto a superimposed vagina, which then links into a female body pressurized through the superimposed throat - that is ultimately captive within those shackles. My eyes essentially feel like black holes that each focusses on a spot from where cum emerges into the deep black environment. ...
    Which is however, basically, non-essential to my clarity. This is more to say: What I am at the core - as in other words: How it is my clarity. So - the Clarity is something I received - although I received it after I had already decided for it. I however didn't choose to pick that lifestyle forever, it was just ... I from there-on anyway had a totally different meaning of that word. So, I was working as a prostitute while I received that clarity, well, that I am a whore. Yet it was as a door had opened - and so 'shackles' have been a thing for me ever since. That would make the frame of my 'true' Kelch - that is: Images of Sexualized Captivity. This however goes far deeper - as the frame is essentially as a tree with deep roots. So to me - this frame is rooted as what I experience as the driving factor behind my growth. Its like an engine that got turned on and now cannot be turned off anymore. And it, well, eventually also emerges in my butt as desire to get fucked. It further is there as absolute throughout my awareness, in that there is no age where that wouldn't be the case for me. This further is connected to what I called '4 Columns/Pillars' - in that this (Frame) is wherein my personality unfolds. These are however more like towers, in that they reach multiple Levels deep - until the roots finally reach the bottom. So - that is what it is to me at least. Discovering what these are exactly, that is still an ongoing issue. But right now it would look so:

    The front column, looking at its edge, would be filled with images of mature blondes. As this obscures the back column, this can be taken as background, and this would contain images of grown/young brunettes. To the left we then had images of teen/grown blondes; And to the right a wild mix. This wild mix however, now ... now I get to it ... a finalizing touch. Maybe it would have helped to have a virtual construct. There is one image that I had to have somewhere, one I drew/drawn in my head, and the internal philosophy that this particular column has had me gather thus far strongly pull it into its center - and now it makes 'poof' and the Kelch is complete. The textures however would strongly picture dense sexual interactions to the exposed detrement of the female protagonist. The picture that takes central spot at the right is that of a captive, tortured mother with an expression of terror engraved in her face; Which the rest of that column yields unto as it turns out to be the secret desire of any fluctuation that may occur. So - any way of life that feels good - ultimately leads to that. And this would basically make up the 'vapour' from the Kelch. This can also be pictured as a box. My calves and my ellbows making up 4 of its outlines, and the Kelch as wrapped around my neck - and the root of the Kelch practically empaling me therein - as at the bottom of it all I would be male. Saying: At the basis I'm a male that is oriented towards becoming a woman. So, the boy in me is inherantly impaled by a female body. The young blonde is where I feel the most of my freedom, in the front I basically carry my shame to pride, and in the back I deviously crave to be captured and enslaved by evil. And - following this sense of events - finally the 'dewdrops' as images of Jessica Rabbit.

    So - while we're at it:

    I see it that way: Mary, the Mother of Jesus, is a deeply nasty woman - and so she wondered how Christ would chose her to carry her. She was nasty in thought - as however rather to be known as 'Queen of Darkness'. John was later given to her, for her to be a mother to him/me. At some point in time I would have to be born as female, to then give birth to her, as for her to perfectly recognize me as a woman and as slave.


    Dew Drops

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.06 - 22:02

    Versus Dark Clouds

    This kind of stuff, and more, isn't really of any objective value unless you are one of 'us' - because, prior to that those concepts won't 'awaken' - in a sense that the Living God, through the Force, is the one who "plays" God even in those terms; As the Force is the all in all that makes these things experiencable.

    So, picking the example of a Diety is perhaps one of the best examples that can be given in ways of delivering this point more thoroughly. By Diety I mean not God - who is otherwise generally described as or called 'the Force' - occasionally the Light, Holy, ... - and neither an Idol - thus, a human being who is exalted to a divine status quo - and that is mostly valid to its followership. The role that Jesus Christ fulfills to all Christians is pretty generic - and next to Christ any Christian too would have favourites here and there - other than Christ. Within alternative Religions we have cases such as Lust being an appearance of the Force, in which case we would worship Christ to thank God for that, but ... you might realize how this image is a bit ... weird! Not to say that it is impossible or should generally be avoided. Even so the opposite. By basically finding that moment where you, in case you happen to be counted to some "weird" religion, can acknowledge to God just who and what you are, you may experience this face to face exposition where you just feel and understand, through and through, that you don't have to be ashamed of those things and that God is even there for you. This is ... it should sound kindof creepy as it is also is exactly that what you might find as creepy. Its intimate.
    So - dieties - that is a bit of a weird thing. I mean, there is some science to it - and as for what I can tell, one of the basics thereof is that dieties serve a practical Lore-based purpose in that religions, or concepts of belief, are consolidated through them. In first place who and what 'the Queen of Darkness' is should be a mystery; Yet ... what I realize tells me that their primary practical purpose is for people to attach to something greater. The Queen of Darkness were to represent an idea of values and that mostly based on her persona and lore. So, for that sake there is the instance of her enslaving her own Mother. Further however this Mother has been force-bread to be doing so - while her title being 'Queen' leaves to speculate some close relationship to the King of Darkness. This figure is at this point even more mysterious, as there is no specific mention of that so far. But being liturgically yet 'a Bride of Satan' - she establishes that identity of thinking, that women can be entities of power, but also entities of captivity. The enslaved Mother plays the role of the victim, representing what we would acknowledge as good core values (innocence, respect, love), through which her enslavement settles the/a score of taboolessness.

    You could though also compare the importance of Dieties to stars in the sky. While the sun is pretty accurate in navigating to, the moon isn't that much. The stars there in comparison to the moon stick out as providing their own Light, as opposed to the moon which just reflects the sunlight.
    OK ... moon-calendar.
    Anyhow - ... lets move on.

    One thing to note about the Image of the Mother, is that not anyone who fulfills that role within a social frame of reference is automatically implied to be just as her. There are layers of difference, as shown to me by logic. So, there would be a first tier; Simply put ... along the lines of submission there are multiple degrees. So, the higher the degree, the more 'stuff' is involved. If we measured the time two beings spent together in units, and separate them further into kinds of intimacy (twosomeness, trio, random, ...), we can describe our social behaviour using that as base. If we know about ourselves and our needs, we can tell how much time with our most beloved is not too much and not too little. Essentially I'm aiming at the idea of composistion - such as that one form of twosomeness is one package, and another form thereof respectively again another package. So, within each package we describe a form of twosomeness, and so on and so forth - as so Entities where we have placed a lot of packages are most important to us.
    Submission can hereby simply be replaced by 'involvement' into any type of structured hierarchy. So - the more involved one is, the less time that person has on anything else. This furthermore allows this person to be that involved - logically. So, chief of a medical facility - to put that into perspective - implies all and everything that a medical facility implies. The point is that what we as humans make, as for beginners: Deliver X Herbs of that Kind to Masterchief X so Druid Y can mix a potion or something. There we have our medical facility, implying the people who carry out the fetch-quests, the guy who holds stock and is made accountable, and the ... man ... in charge of mixing it up. In other words: Everything you need to get it running, is built on people that get it running. The point is the perspective on its 'stasis of evolution' - that is - how I mean it - the nature of a thing based on its existence over time. As by numbers, there are the people fetching herbs. All they need is 'one' point where to deliver the stuff to. The person who says where that point is - and coordinates where that stuff goes - that guy, is more involved. He possibly knows how to pick those herbs himself, or she, or whatever. The concept of involvement should be relatively clear; Yet a point I want to make on top is that involvement as by the Force isn't a social pressure but more something like an internal vacuum. So - as we say: Things are up to society, we also say that its up to God, because its up to God to gap those bridges that we can't. Imagine: God knows me as you. The shortest link between the two of us is between the realtime value it takes for us to reach God, and God to reach us respectively. This leaves to conclude, as by logic, that once God recognizes us as part of a family, then there is already one core value that we must expect to get subjected to. Then it is not so much the issue, in my oppinion, whether or not you would or wouldn't want that, but how you find that truth - as what your alignment thereto turns out to be.

    Anyway - if you count one and one together, yea - that leaves me with nothing left to add to that. ... hmmm. Well - anyway; - ... Lets call 'Tier 1' 'a Whore'. As of religious purpose, there is that Church wherein the Queen of Darkness inherantly exists as Godess. As far as I gather, it must happen to somehow be connected to the general religious identity of Satanism. Satanism is a proper word as it generally embraces the position of being opposed to the Light. Otherwise I'm however more in favour of calling it 'the Kingdom of Darkness'. Anyhow - that would be a thing. So, finally a Diety so ultimately ... well, anyhow - in a divine religion based setting, Dieties are somehow important!


    The closer we however get to the roots, the more we enter the compound wherein light and dark cannot yet exist outside of a common/"neutral" space. That is where everything is distilled to the Truth; And individual orientation does not matter. Translated into reality that would be any arbitrarily shaped community - living by common Christian identity, though beyond that composed of Light and Dark. Furthermore we get to their point of separation. Though the entity of Light in first place has no internal motive to diverge into abstractions - and therefore retains the centric position - there is also that spectrum of Light.

    From the Lights perspective I am banned into the Realm of Darkness - and what I find ... to put it this way ... 'interesting' about me is that I would fit the description of a Medusa/Gorgon, in that a look at her face would petrify you, where that effect is due to the agony put on our faces. What I mean to 'do'/say hereby is ... well, instead of showing myself as immersed into that what I am, I want to look at myself this way: As a compound of spirituological events - where now the fascination of being happy in that kind of existence is one of the many things that can be observed.
    As opposed to a previous notion, I think I do always need time to get out of my male self.
    However ... hmm, what is Gender? I just had an idea. Think ... I mean, what if you had perfect control about your body, what would you be? Next to that there is the - what would you be while you didn't pay any attention onto what you are? ... uhm, I digress.





    To start with exploring yourself, as an Enlightened being, ... well. I'll try to recount from my experience - and see what I myself found usefull.
    In first place you want to have some 'core' compound, a data-root you can objectively interact with. The issue is, that if you don't organize it properly, you'll probably end up destroying it in favour of a new one. There is a structure of logic that I found to be pretty consistent, and it is at this point my go-to frame of organizating my material. There is always a neutral data-source, though the question remains: How to attain neutrality within a growing complex of diversity?
    So the issue is that, that the source itself is already an organization target. Anything that isn't in there is generally 'unsorted' - while everything in there is sorted neutrally - as objective foundation of what you have gathered.
    At the breaking point you could or would gather all images that you basically connect to your [old life] - or special frames of text, music or video - and at some point you might be tempted to re-organize that. Instead of doing that, you should rather start more logically, storing it as an 'identity'. I should, be more logical. In a growing complex of isolated focus points, it is easy to loose track. While, essentially you don't really need them, once done, anymore - as more important is the 'source' everything organized is coming from.

    So - imagine we had little 'zip' packages that could be warped into a reader and we had a collection of 'inspiring quotes', with pictures and bling, how do you now organize them to your priorities? In first place we or some might go black and white I guess. But the more you move on, the more you find small nuances that separate the good from the even better ones; Or at some point you might start to question whether or not it is appropriate to 'judge' on that one thing whether it is to be left or right of a line you drew. The challenge is to find the 'first line' - and I guess you need experience for that to happen. So, until then you'll have a mess of the one or the other kind, but ... some of those pieces might be inspired. That would be individual issues, basically irrelevant for the frame we are to draw "here" - which means, what do we even need to know?
    Well, my Clarity tells me that I'm a Whore; And so I would not claim otherwise to you. And whether I want it or not, I can feel that it is true - that the way I was and am ... well, would, if certain things were given, certainly prefer that above everything else. Part of those things that have to be given are various issues of being a whore. Of course. So the point that this essential way of being ... well, ... thats the question.
    As for science one might want to contribute, as for ego one might showcase it, ... as for the big picture we might want volunteers to give us examples. I can only speak of myself - and so the question even really is whether or not there is that supportive community - while otherwise - if I am confirmed as Diety there has to be one. But then so the idea from the outside, as about me being cast into the Realm of Darkness, is that I therein shall experience all the suffering in the world - as, anchor point to what this bannishment is about. Even if I wanted to get out, that were the point, I couldn't. So, whatever evil you worry may come of me - you do well in projecting that onto me - and hate me for it. This would be the accurate situation for those of the Light, while God could now clarify what has to be clarified furthermore within that frame of reference.

    That is how I feel. That is one of the things I feel about it. But the more I know about myself there, the better I can describe that. So - I don't know how easily things will come to you, but ... yea, drawing the first line. The first line you may want to draw is called 'Explicit'. The item of explicit is mostly about our typological thinking. Next to explicit you have your various sources you may have acquired; And explicit further details that what you got therein, has been removed from there. Except maybe one thing: If you have any favourites, maybe copy them instead of relocating them! Well, anyhow. The better you know yourself, the more explicit you can get. So - you'll end up with categories, ... and one day you remember that [..>>!] - and now, how do you record it? Sorry if I'm just bad at it.
    The right line is important, because you'll at some point end up with an interpretative structure anyhow. So - if you want to use it as source - that is certain.

    An Uncertainty Principle

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.09 - 07:08

    Why am I writing this?

    I started this because I had an urge to write something based on that "figuring out yourself" topic, well knowing that I shouldn't - kindof - so - I was about to scrap this, but I still have that urge - and its still somewhat missing the topic/point here. My current interest is myself, once again or once more or still, and in this established view where I myself take a neutral, observative stance onto myself, ... well, I also do feel relatively peaceful/free of conflict. And so - I've just been looking at a picture that I would really put into my top ... five maybe ... and there are a variety of questions I can ask. I should ask the right ones you say?

    Well, obviously writing about it this way is odd. But - allowing this "higher rationality" within me ... 'take over' ... does seem like the best chance I got at self therapizing myself. In case anything is wrong. Well, my attitude is however still not that of therapizing myself, but that of treating you. And maybe its also time to speak some more about AtheneWins. I've seen a video named 'Destiny - going hard on Athene' or something like that. The channel is called Destiny however. And he calls his video 'going hard on Athene'. Once you watch it, the premise is clear. Destiny isn't happy about Athenes doing; And he's going at him just as I ... usually anticipate people to go at me - in case they believe they have a point; And Athene in that, there isn't a point where I would have thought to resolve the case differently. Its weird. Normally I get those itches - things that I would have said instead - and I did get them too, but Athene seemed to have the same ones. There is though one big difference between how he and I would have argued - and thats the one solid point that Destiny has, or gets from me. Where is the evidence? To me this case is however not really conclusive - the whole thing for instance could be scripted. Or 'Atheneism' - on another note - could be the distilled Ideology that I share, just without God. Without the real deal; And thats what it so far stands out as. But there are certain things I can take from that - for myself; And because Athene doesn't argue differently about what he shares as I argue about what I share - encouraging my audience to do the thinking for themself I suppose thats OK; Where - in first place I do find the convenience of paraphrasing a whole lot of the things by simply 'logic'. Logic in that ins't an inherantly perfect system that always provides correct outcomes; As - in essence it is rather the opposite thereof. Logic is inherantly ... flawed ... in that, well, whatever you 'build' of Lego Blocks, from a given set, there is only one or a few ways of "doing it right" - sotospeak. So there is science, and there is science fiction. Kindof. Logic is philosophy, plus a little extra. It is though so, that the more you know, the better your logic will function. If you never put your trust/belief into onto anything you per se can't - you're on the safest ends volume 1. So, rely/believe/whatever in/on the objective reality and having logic as your core value will work, in that logic is the only thing that helps you from just a rubble of blocks to something structured.
    Logic in a sense can be called 'ideological efficiency' - so ... in plumbling for instance there are norms for tubes and joints, screws and all that so that a plumber has an easy way to fix things. This is the logical thing to have, as opposed to proclaiming artistic freedom when it gets to those things. So, logic in a sense 'establishes' realities of reason - where however 'the next logical step' ... ultimately depends. On for instance the presmise. If the premise where 'standardization benefits for the industry' - the next logical step were to extend that into examples where standardization isn't a thing yet - and how standardization would help. Well, if 'the next logical step' isn't always and at all entirely subjective.
    In case of Athene - there is the whole him being the smartest guy on the planet thing - which is what leaeves me to speculate a few things; Such as that the next logical thing may proclaim that we all have to abide to his judgement because we aren't logical enough. And in the end you only need a few morons to believe that!

    My resolve to that issue there is however, well, that there is one way to showcase a higher unity with the cosmos than just the bold claim - as the question were: What does it take to be 'the One'?

    But however that plays out - we move on with logic as we have individual bits and pieces that make sense - and combine them into a higher one. Here we then may come to speak of 'sky castles' when we conclude something 'between' two well established things. Things we would intentionally call 'Bridges'. For instance: Mormons believe that they live in the fullness of times because the Book of Mormon is true. I don't want to make that a linguistic debate though. The point is that because the BoM is true, Joseph Smith is a Prophet, therefore the D&C are right as well and therefore they shall not misguided and hence the contemporary president of the church also happens to be the prophet. So - establishment one here is that the Book of Mormon is true, ergo Joseph Smith Jr. is a prophet which takes us to establishment two: Everything that Joseph and co. have done to make it a Church. So, there is the Church and its Hierarchy. With this being established, it seems right to call it a day and say yea, 'fulness of times'. When however digging deeper into the things that have come of Joseph, the facts don't totally hold this conclusion anymore - and the question would be, how can we tell a sky castle from a bridge. So, to first look at the obvious and evident: There is the 'claim'. In this 'golden chain' (BoM->Joseph->D&C->Presidents-&etc) everything is a claim - "because that is, that is, and therefore that is, so that is". Thats 'logical'. If you wanna exclude that from what Logic surmises, then Logic and Bullshit are separated by a really thin line! What I say is that Logic surmises Bullshit - whereof logically most of what comes from Logic 'is' tendentially Nonsense; Well, because my understanding of Logic renders it as 'independent' from the Truth. So, to find 'the Truth', we have to ... search for it. Is the Book of Mormon true? OK, how about Joseph Smith Jr. being the prophet? How about the D&C? And there's where we get to a halt. So, whats up? Whats wrong? For while there can nothing be done - its logical to just get along. So, there is nothing unlogical about believing in that Golden Chain.
    So, the question is: To which extent do the established pillars support the claims that are being made?

    You might wonder: How do I deal with the D&C then? How to 'trust' a Book that you can't be sure of? Well - there is two things. There for once is the Truth, and then there is "Logic" - or we might say: 'Wisdom'. Wisdom is like Holy Logic. For instance, Mormons live a very wealthy life! The Church is really like a big family. So - there is nothing in the intermediate that denies the Holy Truth to be ... true! Whatever Wisdom finally is applied to that doesn't really matter! Or, 'Logic'. When it so gets to the scriptures, there is no inherant claim for the Truth either, as in a classical 'Institute' Segment (Institute ... thats, ... extended "Bible" classes. Usually Thursday evening) the scripture in question is presented as "here it says that" - where the most of the content is a mix between elaborating the 'concepts of wisdom' or discussing/exchanging about what this "saying there" means to the individual. To say: The wisdom is in the foreground.
    Mormons aren't really strict about anything either. I mean ... its ... all relative. I would say a lot comes from the fact that Mormons are Baptized, so, by the actual priesthood to do so, so that Mormons are used to ... well, "everything being dandy". I mean, what indoctrination I received was telling me: Well, to hell with those rules! I mean - coke for instance. In the Word of Wisdom it reads that hot drinks are bad - which some President declared means Coffee and because Caffeine is unhealthy that somehow got translated onto coke and now officially coke is bad - and other times, they do in deed serve hot tea or, some, I don't know ... why they do it, but, ... some do it ... putting corn into their salad. According to the Word of Wisdom corn is bad. Its for the animals. But ... still there is this atmosphere of no drinking and no smoking - and it contributes to an all in all positive atmosphere. What I mean isn't specifically about drinking and smoking, its about some inherantly perceived metaphysical respect or how can I say? I guess, the story of how the Word of Wisdom came to be may be a good one to tell. So, back in the days Mormons used to chew tobacco and as it was custom, the dirt ended up on the floor. So it became a concern - and the result of that concern was the Word of Wisdom. In essence it means as much as "leave your dirt outside".
    Kindof. On the 'positive' end the Church 'demands' what it calls 'Worthiness'. Its basically the 'pillar' of this 'metaphysical respect' - as both: The voice of sanity - but still a light of the order!
    I by those standards am probably extremely unworthy. But ... I also do moreso feel like being dirt myself. I never could, for instance, help but get an erection in church. Any. I mean, be that the Seventh Day Adventist cermons or the Mormon ones. And this is something I can barely strip from myself. I can't objectively hold it away from me. I can however do the trick and ... think about it logically. Or - 'imagitively' - as from the word 'image'. So, there is this biological body that gets erections during cermons. So, next imagitive component is that bodies 'mind' - or 'psyche' - as: When reviewing the erection as abnormity, maybe that is a physical symptom to a mental condition. As an erection happens to be a sexual thing, we draw a conclusion of which we next may worry about the individuals sexual mindset. But here something in me is kindof short-cirquitting.


    So I wonder: May it be that I have inherant emotions where now other images sortof hitchhike along with them - such as images that express some kind of emotional comfort to me beginning to establish an abstract idea of my emotional reality?

    How to answer that question? Saying 'yes' or 'no' at first is guessing. But it is a yes or no question. It is a yes or no question at the point of wondering about something yet unknown - or do I know? Should I? Well - ... anyhow. The answer is ultimately to be backed up with reason and proof - and how do we come up with that?

    So, how does mind work? If there is a conflict I need to resolve, I will find the answers inside of myself. So, I have to get to the bottom of why I believe what I believe. So, as I was telling you about 'vortexification' - there is this one thing in my 'head' - sotospeak - that I strongly associate to my sex-drive. It is what I would generally describe as part of 'Rune 2' - being the thing that makes me consider myself: 'mindwashed to be a Sex Slave'. So I have to wonder about how that comes about. What helped me was to try and see what I get once I remove the present belief from the thing that it is. One thing I however noticed is that this is where my 12 thing used to be. Or what it used to be.
    What else? Well - so, as often mentioned: Following to Clarity there is this 'expanse' of ideas, ... well, 'conjunctions' between that and 'the own self' - and these conjunctions also apply here. To be more specific: This 'vortex' - where I describe myself as mindwashed - surmises what I also describe as 'spiritual anatomy' - or 'cognitive anatomy' - as for instance concerning my sexual desires, how they flow into my awareness and how that works out with/for me.
    At this point in my mind there is now one thing floating around - that somehow pops in as between the vortex and my, lets call it 'personal conjuncture'. So, things that conjoin to my clarity are things that ultimately express themselves within the form that the Clarity 'term' surmises. So, 'whore' - means, all my sexual fantasies/desires that can express themselves within that identity come together 'in clarity'. Extended exposure to that situation delves deeper and deeper into the details of what this term surmises, and the individual conjoins further. So - ideas of being humiliated for instance come in at some point - and I realize that I don't only conjoin to that passively, but that it is an active conjective I have. And I know that from real life experience too. So, in simplicity: I have that Kink. Period. What it is, is that there is an 'inherant' conjecture to a 'whore-esque' life, so that I at the very least can be legitimately labelled a whore on that single thing alone (though). So, sexual humiliation is something that allows an individual to exist as whore - as the existential premise that is drawn, well, is technically identical. In other words: One of the concerns of what it means to be a whore, may be that the individual may experience it as humiliating, or that we experience it as humiliating in regards to human rights; So - at which point we question the individuals competence in making a personal evaluation of that kind. That is where to me the Runes came into play. They are - well, thats another thing. But so there is that Vortex - and it inherantly, well, it basically 'speaks' to my Kink. Like "in this and this alignment, you can have that and that" - and while this basically builds upon the same things that have emerged around clarity - so yea, the question is: In how far/much is that bad?
    Now is there that term thats floating around - and it fits in to ... well. The difference, one difference, between the 'vortex' and the 'clarity' thing is that the clarity is a lot less 'perplexing' - but that because the questions of captivity are left open. My compliant Kinks to that also emerge there. So is what happens, as this expanse of conjectures, really a map of cosmic background radiation sotospeak, as now a mirror to the individual. Some things grow big, while a few things here and there add up - well, so, there is nothing in the individual that can relate to it that won't. In a different sense: If the vortex were me, clearly it would positively align to the given clarity. This is how clarity works. It doesn't give you any definition, but a ground on which to define yourself. As for what concludes as 'logical' to me, is there now this concept of individual conjecture; And approached objectively I am however taken to vortices that "drag me in" and thereby fuel expressions of personal submissiveness. This is what we may describe as 'shadows of clarity'. In connected to Clarity in ways that now demands certain things to be true - and some emotional background backing various things up, that is what ultimately resolved into those 3 Runes. These certain points, vortices, are furthermore ... well, essential to my well-being. To me there is no way in denying that. There is a very direct 'discomfort' from trying to resist - where the problem is actually more like 'having' an objective understanding of their existence in first place. Its, I would say, a bit like being given the power to consciously rewire your body (biological anatomy). Mix up two veins and you're dead. From another perspective though, there is something about me, something about everyone, that makes them do what they do. You could say that I'm lazy for instance - which in essence is just an 'internal core alignment' ... well, that surfaces as such within some given frame of reference. So, once things would drag along for too long, so my experience, I start to loose interest and turn towards what is familiar to me. For most of my life that would be video-games for instance, but on a more intimate level I would enjoy a more sexualized 'home' more. As I neither can help myself but to be creeped by sexual thoughts most of the time. I mean, the only time I didn't feel different to others was amongst prostitutes.
    So - the part of me that is 'beyond me' - as from my current understanding - is what I can't yet really claim as true for myself. Which is now the big question. What value does clarity have when it comes to that?

    Well, ... to do that real quick: Is clarity a Sky Castle? Yes! It definitely is! Although its existence is logically undeniable, its nature as individual and independent truth detaches its existence from any kind of empirical foundation so that it inherantly happens to be a Sky Castle. The 'truth' that we want of it is the social reality - which in my idea also implies a step away from unified conformity and a step towards hierarchical living as we individually get attached to via the force. I mean - eventually I didn't choose to be a whore, but to me there is nothing wrong about being one either.
    That is the one side. On the other end I however have an idea of myself, where I am confined within larger restraints as I find myself inside of now. But - speaking of these vortices some more, I can also find them in my current lifetime. For once I have those extended times of uneployedness - and by now only 1 to 2 days a week of obligation. So - I live pretty much unrestrained; Yet my productivity is nearly inexistent at this point. Also do I experience these obligations as somewhat discomforting. The thing is that while I have the time to do things, I'm not in the right mindset for it. So I'm stuck to do whatever else I can. Once I'm outside I'm not really in for it either, because the amount of comfort I experience here on my own synergizes with that inner heart of mine where these weekly interrupts happen to be major disturbances. What I'm saying is that if I'd be in a situation right now that would make me feel how I 'do' feel - then I wouldn't be writing this. And I'd feel better because this stress of dissonance between actual reality and felt reality wouldn't be there.
    And well, if you knew all those things I wouldn't have to write about them!

    But the knowledge I'm trying to convey here should therefore possibly not be that specific. And yea - it all comes down to the value of Gods word!


    And so - firstly I get to the point that 'yes': There is some 'hitchhiking' going on. So, there are these promises of a better lifetime that uphold these vortices which again fuel the desire for living out those kinks in an expectancy of that pleasure that comes from it. This pleasure by the way is relatively universal. So - I didn't experience any contradiction between the expectation and the satisfaction; Except for physical limits. So, someone that craves for a cock of a certain size will ultimately want it and then enjoy it. If it at first wouldn't fit - it'll just take a while longer.
    I mean - from anticipating a joy to actually getting it - the main difference is obviously the physical factor. But as the physical conditions meet the expected ones that provided that experience, the outcome isn't much different. So is sexual pleasure - and other pleasures alike - all in all an emotional anchor. You have them, you want them, you commit to them - and thats what you are in life. Its 'your rule' amidst the greater good. It is how we individually feel like Kings or Queens.
    Here, in the center of my vortex, or somewhere rather in the middle of everything, I'm experiencing myself as an entity with what I would call 'complex craving'. The idea is that submission isn't measured as binary, but in layers. So, submission to one individual would consume one of those packages mentioned earlier, and so if there were 8 slots we had for those packages, we could take slots as 8 relationships - implying an otherwise normal life. So, this "about average" would mean that someone who by that were 100% of a whore, this would still lean to the implied narrative of what it means to be a whore - which for sake of the picture would be a 'Level 1' submission.
    Complexity comes within Level 2, as now two Level 1 things come together. So, here the 'primary' experience is a combination of two now 'secondary' ones - which yea, is ultimately something about 'involvement'.

    This 'hitchhiking' now however is wanted by myself as reaction to the perceived reality of myself. So, whatever parts of me got triggered by Clarity, they at first exist there and next to those a few things that don't fit in. So, the thing floating around. Which means, that as of my Vortex there would be certain freedoms that I actually couldn't have. So there is my concurrent identity, my self, and how I hold on to my freedoms - compared to 'what else' 'I'd rather be'. To get to the bottom of it I'd rather use pictures - but the point is that one individual picture can be deceiving.


    So, sticking to those vortices - there is one complex of vortices that functions as the one. So, vortices in my ankles and wrists only consolidate a self that is otherwise also consolidated through vortices of that kind; Or does furthermore function as part of a connection of that kind. Understanding this is really required to understand how my mind works in regards of my emotional comfort. Further, understanding my emotional comfort as something that is important to me - is a matter of ranking it in as priority #1. As based on how I work. At least - this is how I see it now. The point is that once I ... get personal discomfort, it feels like a blade thrusted deep into my wellbeing. I can also basically feel it right now, just that I'm still in a generally comfortable situation.
    The main premise of this one main vortex is that I am mind-washed, so, further including that my mind is inherantly incapable of functioning otherwise. Hereby, the first big thing I found I have grown up to this point is there is a body of personal experience that I would call is my 'yes! me!' - and that is basically the flesh and muscles of what surmises the organs and bones that make up the whole.

    What does that say? Well - technically it has been established that the vortex emerges as independent to Clarity. But it is at the base of what we may say is 'the base identity' - as clarity is just a mirror for it to surface. At that point there then are the things that comply, and things that disalign. Disalignments may be contemporary alignments that obscure the vision, effectively speaking. For all simplicity, when compounded into a binary system, we then get to some 'condensed' - more independent idea. So, instead of being specific about the details, there is just some experienced form of value or truth that establishes itself against the initially expected 'consequences' to clarity.
    One re-occuring issue to me is my gender. So, for now however - I would, cause I need myself to, give that 'what else' there is a 20%. That means - my resonance to clarity invokes in about 80% of my minds capacity. And that may be due to the fact that my consciousness mainly refracts 'through reason' from what my clarity is about. So the situation would be, that my conscious activity demands a male identity - in which it further were to exist as opposed to the female one. What I however count into my 'yes! me!' is a deep impression of satisfaction from embracing that within feminizing captivity. This has a visual appearance of underwar, specifically stockings, a corsett, gloves and a collar; That however feels like a full-body muscle. I feel embedded into it - so, it basically directly feeds into my sensory awareness of my cognitive whereabouts. Those have not been taken on, but 'grown'. So, their function as 'clothing' isn't given - you could compare it to a tattoo that you created with your own mind.
    It works as a muscle in the sense that the deeper I mean to say 'I', the more of it is "active". So the tattoo is kindof like a consolidation of free will, into an objective structure. The question for whether I could undo that would leave me to answer with a 'no' - in terms of that an undoing wouldn't do much good in the sense that it would get re-established; Where the big 'but' is a matter of this 'undoing' concerning a what I would say is a 'fundamental vortex'. So, the exact detail of what this muscle does is in essence still based on an idea that somehow emerges as 'conjoining self'. The thing is that consciousness here evolves based on 'higher conditions' as provided by the Force.
    This may seem like an increased artificiality, but in essence it leaves those 'blanks' open that we then fill in ourselves - and from there on it primarily strengthens these conditions thus allowing us to unfold into higher purity.
    But so there is the question of: What is truely going on? And how to find a common way of communicating our own to each other?

    So - to get back to those 20%, this is something I found there from the start. Though back then I would have said it are 18%. At this point, the definition of which part of ones self is or does what is a bit complicated. For simplicity we can only say + and - 'Clarity'. The question for how these 18% matter to me - there would be the empirically emotional answer and one a little bit more convoluted/conflicted. The idea would be to cover first, what these 18% are made out to be. That because, well, those are the things the person might potentially loose in focus on clarity, or otherwise grows on in context to clarity. Say, on a 50:50 base it'd be hard I guess to have a balance without taking from both. Anyway, as for me, those 18% are behind bars - and my mind basically 'works' with that situation in that it takes it as permission to stuff all sorts of 'horrible things' into this cage. As though it were only there to get raped. In a sense that if it were a tamagochi, rape were the way of feeding it. With that on mind it doesn't take long though, that some conflicts appear on my mind. This is essentially all the 'buts' that come from my experience as a male, that furthermore accumulates all the experiences that exclude sexual activity as a female, in that they aren't happy about such a strong consequence based on just one personal line of preference. This is where the amount of pleasure we get of something isn't regarded. Its just the totality of things that have an even right of being there. This situation is further extended by the experience of what comes from adjusting to an 'as strong' of a consequence - possibly relative to how strong the personal drive to get there is. So, there is this in contrast 'unhappy ending' - that I perceived from 'shooting beyond' those buts - and there-upon I also feel a way of enjoying it - which basically wraps those buts back up into an extended confirmation of that initially imposed subjection.
    This is at that also a step into complexity or involvement. So, here a 'light(weight)' version is created through the simple internal alignments, as not excluding those buts; And this is what we might say the 'Clarity Simple' way of looking at me. Thereby those 18% would yet unfold within my Clairty/Captivity - as far as being allowed to. That its 18% is maybe independent to how much time is actually given to it. However ... the point is - well - time can be relative. But following my 'higher reason' the point is already settled that I (would, am out to) want to go beyond that.
    I have for myself also come to the conclusion that I cannot resolve my Gender issues by looking at identities like that. More important is this 'grand vortex' - or so: The Vacuum of our own mind wherein we grow in peace. So, while my male 'lust' has been around for some time - it is in and of itself always countered by my female lust - already compliant to some 18:82 ratio - while during times of growth it would have vastly been my male biology that would keep me entertained in corresponding fantasies. As of that we can certainly have that argument settling that there yet is an 18% contradiction of some sort, but that is kindof like a crooked tower that is about to collapse. "Gravity is against it". That for once.
    So - in that regard, the first thing I need to do, is to find a way to properly express my 'volume' - where for common sense objectiveness it may help to establish a few common things before getting started. For instance, well, that the 'contemporary experience of lifetime' is something that everybody has. The way I experience myself now however is, that my clarity first gave me an anchor wherein I consolidated my female self against a male idea, while being ultimately forced to see myself as that male - and the impacts of these vortices chewing off that territory. The idea kindof were that all along I would have acknowledged acts in favour of my personal detrement, to the point that I in the end couldn't make those choices anymore because all I'd know is that level of being consumed by it. Now that I have an extended conscious freedom, as in comparison to that, I however experience that the more I consciously grow capable of taking these 18% as a foundation of my contemporary lifestyle and expand on it - the more these vortices emerge as inherant truth - most simply described as tendrils that penetrate my mind and replace consciousness by lust, well, as that my mind then adjusts to those 'streams' and starts to lust for getting stuffed or whatever. So, in the idea: Major influences that impair my conscious reasoning - to the point of making me a cock and cum hungry/craving slut.
    In beholding this I further find a deep satisfaction from perpetuating this situation, to basically desire those tendrils to pursue me and hence effectively 'spoil' me against any erected ideal of purity. The awareness of that being possibly full of conflicts - my mind is settled on not questioning the logic - and hence all I want narrows down to rape. Rape is an issue I have at some point point 'yielded' for myself as something I'd wish to experience - as kink to experience the detrements of being exposed to sexually abductive love and lust. I mean, to simply get fucked beyond the personal point of comfort or resistence - to really just get it 'raw and dirty'. Which implies an inherant force of suppression - as to get me into that state of self-submission.
    It further implies that there is a demand that basically ties me in like that - a demand that is interested in the same 'rather more of it' than the opposite. So - thats where a lot of the 'Hitchhiking' takes place - respectively those 'promises' that make up this essential understanding of how the personal well-being happens to be realized. So - instead of there being just a group of people, there is, from my experience, a group of people with an inherant demand for me - which is basically curious to get me involved in a certain way - which would be exactly that what I'm interested in, in an ideal case, and from that we would get social harmony.

    In another way, well, do relationships not occur as a hypothetical attraction, but as context to that unfolding reality of promises. So, instead of being directly attracted to Person?Entity X - person?entity X plays the role of being a reference point to certain conditions that the individual mind then realizes as manifest context to its own personal preference set. So, expressing interest in someone is therefore less the expressed interest for someone specific, but an expressed interest in some specific way of relating to one another, that in terms of that can be objectively metaphorized as individual wedding, for instance.
    So is there one person that would want to see my face getting raped by so and so many cocks, with a basic interest in making me throw up from it. That throwing up is simply an symptom of me being put to suffering/stress - and with that being what is actually driving the show, well, the limits are an end to 'that' as a beginning. I mean - if we're speaking of limits we might rather speak of environments of comfort. If someone likes to suck cock that wouldn't imply throwing up from it. So, that might be a limit. With that, which is what we might call a 'common sense' limit, as environment of comfort we get to a different idea of limits.
    These would be in the eyes of the beholder - arguing that it is in the love of those that govern the torments to understand which plane those that are being tormented exist upon. Ish.
    Anyhow - as mentioned is there the physical part that adds the difference to the expected view. This is subject to our growth. Firstly the situation wherein I could be a whore would have to exist. Furthermore, at the beginning of it all we must all be considered as 'noobs' - though in terms of practically I'd be the noob introduced into that situation, physically speaking, and so ... the first things I have are the things I might get.
    In other words: There is a private way and a public way. The private were to get what intimately realizes my expected contexts, the public one to get what generally realizes my expected clarity. My 18% are in that something as an item to deal with. Its to say: Here is what else exists - and submitting that into bondage is by intents and purposes as giving someone full rights to do whatever they please. On the official route that'd be something relatively transparent and foreseeable, a 'career' sotospeak, while in private conditions that'd be more of a cornerstone to build upon.
    It goes on that I have an expected duality of both, where the one feeds into the situation of the other, with the expected climax of that being my death.
    My primary interest there is to max out on 'cycles' - in a way of saying that each cycle adds another layer of experienced detrement to the previous. What this means in real life would come down to how much 'relief' is inherantly given into that. To my expectations that were to be enough, to in generally set me as equal to an animal - entirely. Except that within folks as me it is rather certain that there is an emotional and conscious being inside.

    So do I experience my central vortex as twofold. There for once is a system of captivity, and it attracts where I consolidate as happily captive, which turns out as slut or bitch; And the other is a system of getting mind-washed, to the point that feminization is a thing, even for my female self. So, the one system is furthermore emotional anatomy that I shall focus some more on later; And the other is a context of shackles that establishes a mindset as of wherein that female self is to exist.
    That where the 'discomfort' cuts in like a blade sits at its heart - and within the right context, its core expression is "I don't want to be free". So, the urge of returning home is obviously enough some restraint - as in being tied to a home of fixed conditions. So, to hold to it: The right way of doing it - generally - is to find contexts of relevance and ask the right/strong questions. Once that is established, moving further is a somehow automated process. The results may yet extend into that 'beyond'-ish space, of course. Uhm, but ... the thing is that: If I know already that the part in me exists, that would happily give up on all that is within those 18%, the only thing I had to be afraid of, which might still seem a pretty big one, were that the consequences might not be what I had expected. Well, ... which in the extended sense comes down to: What do I expect? One side of that can be directions - or situations that imply them - but needless to say are those also implying myself in a way that I can enjoy. As for the greater good I would be covered in terms and definitions that are more in favour of disallowing me to experience joy, which is however only the neutral fassade within which I experience total joy. So that what I experience as joy, would be called torment to you. Or rape. Well ... however. So, notably, once we can establish those vortices as anchor points to start reasoning from and about, the spiritual anatomy is really the first thing to note about me. It is not that these vortices are in and of themself about sexual submissiveness - they are more like gravity wells that establish a base of "planetary growth". So it however stands out to me though, that I have to align myself to an anatomical demand - in order to feel OK. There is a certain ecstasy to be had from doing so, and this is furthermore perpetuated by being the one way how there isn't any discomfort. So, the way of feeling no positivity about it - so to be neutral - is to settle on the fact that all the alternatives aren't really positive in comparison. So, that takes a specific way of being away from it - its 'open' - although still kindof obvious.
    One 'stigma' of this sort can be found in my spine. It firstly emerges as within an existence of constant sexual opression, ... which is simply put the implied premise taken as absolute reality - at first. This is where mind unfolds in all simplicity. So, settling on 'one' thing - as clarity - has and knows no polar opposite, it just happens to be there. It is then taken as premise to the personal existence, and whatever negative there may be, it does at first not matter to this practically yet plainly hypothetical situation. As for the negatives however, there is a refraction of freedom emerging from this totalistic imposition - as a totally individual and independent idea of balancing out some negative effect. So I express my Spine as 'royalty' - as an ego that emerges against getting supressed, something to charge myself up on - giving me self-confidence and ego, or a basic ego of self exaltation. In the grand scheme however, this identity is yet inherantly consumed by its clarity, where now all the pride and ego and exaltedness that I have from it, 'has to' flow into a submissive expression. You could describe that as an obligation. First there is what I get as clarity, from where I conclude what I am, on top of which I get my spine, following to which it is my obligation to wire it into my expected clarity. This means that the light I retreive from my spine vanishes if I do not do so. So the inherant idea is that I'm a Queen, or on further investigation: A Godess, that is getting submerged into captivity-based prostitution as base of existence. What remains is what I then fill this God identity with, as for the effect of countering negative influences. The answer were: Pride in humiliation and also a cognitive arrogance unto anything that I dislike. So, my spine in that is only a good way of representing what I am when seen in the right context.
    As of my cognitive anatomy, this inner pride in being a captive sex-toy or whatever happes to be a driving force. To the point that it climaxes in an understanding of deepest greatfulness about being captive in a certain way - which, you might guess, is an idea strongly made up of expected social pressure, sotospeak. Saying: I need certain relationships to make it work.

    So - in the proposed way, the logic is a little bit as that: Each of those people I'd relate with, could express a desire of complying to the greater whole. In one picture there were a bunch of men - some casually so called 'victims' - or just one - and someone orchestrating a coming together. This is also where the brothel owners aren't the suitors. Now, in the core of that brothel thing there'd be individuals with strict plans, and a male compound that would attach to that individual as playing a part to that plan. Then my part to it were, to basically say which way I'd submit to. That is what I make of my relationships taken a different way. Instead of wanting a relationship, it would stand to conclude that there are given streamlines and pockets of stuff established on behalf of clarity and comunal joy - that then already impose all the circumstances that I otherwise must demand.
    So I suppose that the way to get these kinds of 'anatomical enhancements' - that seem to be like charms - is to simply get to the point where you can have them - in case you are that kind of a person. The exact solution would anyway be one that works for you ... uhm. So, there was a time where being all female wouldn't have worked for me - although it would have also been my standing urge. So far I didn't really have a great benefit out of being as free as I am, outside of a few things that make me stick to doing what I do. So, I'm still interested in writing a Video Game, but its not like all the free time I had did anything positive to that. Ultimately this interest however also works against my greater comfort, though, it so exists right there as gate keeper we might say. The only way I would give that freedom up, is in prospect of that expected greater good to become reality.

    While my spine is an anatomical feature that drives me personally, as to the point that I have to use my freedom to adjust, as the thing for which I'd be considered a 'good girl' - there are other things that then further narrow down what exactly I am. Thereby the point is that what I am cannot be undone. I can change myself. Theoretically we can assume that all people all of a sudden refused to enjoy sex and I conclusively wouldn't be able to extend on that part of me - so that might be a way I could actually change; But anyhow - the thing is that once I'm inherantly one way, I cannot at the same time be something else. Well, we should get to parallelisms at some point.
    However, looking at my spine - there is one thing that predominantly describes myself. My personal freedom urges me to fit into a certain role; And on that base I cannot use my freedom to do otherwise. The spine to that doesn't carry any amount of information to that, it only adds context to Clarity - while as that being an isolated organ of that. Well, so it holds information though about what background I experience my clarity from. Another piece of my anatomy is round about my throat, or basically wired to my collar. This isn't something that I feel as grown from me, but imposed onto me. Which is OK because my inherant expectation is to get stuff imposed onto me. What this is would decide upon whether I'd be OK with it or not. It is however safe to say that in the public way of things, well, feminization and captivity based prostitution would pretty much work. Its so an issue with the public things that they are vastly general. Simple. Structured. Attached to this collar is my throat and my eyes. Though, my eyes - well - seem to play a more complex role in that. What I can actually go and describe are the vortices that are directly there, while next to that I experience an "avalance" of consequences. As - once I extent into more individualistic space, there is a shitload of other stuff that "wants to be" as to clarify the exact personal position/situation. So, throat versus eyes. My eyes - that is: Within my cognitive space - do attract darkness. They are basically vortices that crave to see nothing but [...] . This [...] is a bit ambigous to describe, but ... in how they function. Thereby they are as wells of darkness through which I crave to get filled with negative emotions. As that they aren't really 'eyes' in the sense of 'there to see', but a system of consciousness attached to a Kink if we so will that attaches to my mind as depriving influence in the sense that my consciousness as 'erected' by my perception is getting persuaded by darkness which is furthermore the dominant influence because its entering via perception. So, if my consciousness were a solid structure of reason, these eyes would grow in their influence upon it and ultimately destroy it - or 'crack' it open - to my personal detrement. This structure were a concept of life - or hopes and wishes of light. So, they are just there doing that thing.
    Next to those there is my throat, and that more specifically resonates with that collar, which primarily exists as most solid part of that vortex in my head, which by the way happens to where these eyes attach to. So - thats one thing, although they have individual ties to other things it seems. I mean, they also connect to my throat. My mouth again is something that is separated from my throat - but they synergize with each other, well, increasing my detrement. So, objectively, to start it off that way, the influence of these eyes, as of my mouth and throat is entirely subjective. So - as in an objective social scope of reality they wouldn't really have a great impact. Saying, I don't actually have that craving for darkness that my eyes impose, or that craving for cock and cum that my digestive system does - but within a void frame of reference do these things shape who I am as how I think like. So, maybe the impact is there and greater than I expect - but then thats a matter of them coming to have "physical conjuncture". Well, yea - there is also a certain sadism to my situation - which means that it is totally OK that it is as though I'm forced to enjoy what my anatomy makes of me - and yes: Ultimately this anatomy sits in the core of that 18%, as otherwise: The female cage around my male consciousness.
    The reality of those organs is on a social plane. And here is one point where I would describe my situation as 'awesome'. As these organs infuse me with an insatiable craving for cock and cum, perpetuated by my eyes that crave for all of its detrement, this resembles my social existence. So, these organs dominate who or what I am - as to how I am perceived within my expected social environment. The awesome thing is that I don't need to have that hunger myself - whereas being perceived as having it leads to that kind of activity that I'm wanting to be in. As to inherantly settle on that kink of existing as a victim of rape. This is essentially symbolized by my eyes - and my mouth. The mouth thereby feeling 'torn open' -(therefore wearing a gag is part of my symbolical representation)- while that situation is the base on which I may express my freedom; Which directly gets answered by my throat in its craving for cum. So, that desire attaches to a by definition torn open mouth; And all desires that come therefore are desires of forced/brutalized oral penetration.
    As for that, the cum then enters my throat and from there envigorates my entire consciousness to explode into self-submission. Destinations of that cum, such as my belly or female reproductive organs, become sacrifices to that condition and its consequences - as of which the most accurate definition of me would be 'cumdump'. This would be true in the idea, that I'd experience getting filled with cum as to my own detrement, as to enjoy the truth of my detrement. Further does it happen that the organs through which cum enters my body don't choose - they need. Hence what I experience as rape there, isn't the fulfillment of rape yet. That is then left to my organs to experience; Such as suffering the downsides of being filled up with too much of it - or whatever happens in process. In simplicity, feeling turmoil in my belly, or the taste of feces, isn't something I like, but yet am eager to be forced to experience. To a detremental degree without escape.
    Well - how can I say that? I mean - being absolute about it.
    Being absolute about it is - reasonably objectable. At that point I just have a strong 'but I want' will - which is, once put into accurate perspective, expressed from a personal view rather than superficial wanting. This personal view is furthermore relative to the wholistic idea, so, the 18:82 perception. There in turn is an ego - where now the 'head vortex' is confined to my head - with the collar drawing out some separative plane between my consciousness and my body. So, these 18% are restricted to my head, which again is inherantly subscripted to being mind-washed. However - to draw a line there: Regarding the 'public' thing - there are now two possibilities: The one is to introduce someone to something with the given option to pull back; Or without implying given option. In the first case the process would be one of mutual growth, on the ambition to push further to eventually find a place to settle in. In the latter, the place to settle in is prioritized - and committing to that is something that requires a sensible amount of trust in God. But - it is basically inherantly implied - once those promises don't remain as empty ones - that this prioritized situation is gonna play out fine; In which case I have myself as someone who likes to get raped to death - in a situation that isn't quite fond of that - while everything inside of me demands that to be true. Anyhow - that my thresshold of comfort stops prior to where my true joy begins is kindof logical as well.
    Well, it might seem a bit harsh - but ... once you realize that this 'rape' is a simply put: superficial construct around a vastly neutral social alignment (it is in and of itself neutral - as to the point of social harmony) - well, it should start to look a little different. Basically - the way it looks is a matter of artistic freedom - kindof. Though this freedom is subject to demands in favour of certain things that are part of how the whole comes together.
    Well - so, do I for instance like to get arbitrarily cut/hurt with a knife? Well - no! But that is more so because I don't expect that, as from the context of my relationships. Instead of tortures of that kind, I expect tortures of a more, well, immediately satisfying kind, as the dominant way of life. The key term would be to get 'over-fucked' - as the only way for me to get put to death is from being that. The idea of how far that would go does also change from reference frame to reference frame. In some model of my life - I'm only useful to give birth. So I'd be made pregnant at some age ... let it be 6 or 16 ... just to get killed after I give birth, or maybe while I do so, while the whole catch of it is extensive child abuse where the health of unborn children is labelled irrelevant. Beneath that are children that are being hated starting from their growth in their mothers womb, down to their last breath. And this is possibly one of those things I may later regret having mentioned. However - not once you find these things surprisingly ... conclusive. Good. I mean - yea. There is an abyss of horrors that exists on behalf of mutual interests. So is there 'crime', we might say, as possibly because of those that enjoy suffering of that kind. In a sense is there a somewhat far-fetched idea, where certain areas could be 'made known' for certain things - such that a woman wearing a collar would be recognized as victim. Following a code like, claiming the victim based on her expression, as to then give the individual to call it a mistake. If the person doesn't, it isn't given a second chance though. I mean - this works for the little kink as for the greater drama. However ... crime also makes sense as to our drug politics. Legalizing stuff or not? Doing or not doing so is either way irresponsible. So, you find a good norm; And allow criminals to be. As for my worthiness am I not dirt like a criminal - criminals could be worthy. I am dirt while I am trying to live like a human being. And as for the phrase in the Revelation that 'dogs must stay outside' - well - there is a level of compliance that I have to that, saying that I don't feel bad - as in uncomfortable - from being excluded by rules such as 'no animals'. This - well - fits into an interpretation of the Revelation where the events are ... well ... taken as describing a metaphysical reality. So, then new Jerusalem isn't a physical place, but a metaphysical one; And thereof is the '"endless" new day' not a physical nightless eternity, but a state of metaphysical enlightenment. In that regard do we yet get to the point where the beast and the false prophet are thrown into the pit of fire; As to the point that all those that aren't allowed to enter the new Jerusalem make up that part of the population that didn't get thrown into that pit of fire. So is there that 'new Jerusalem' as universal place of comfort for everybody - and those that don't want that or can't enjoy that are as of bold logic somehow caught up in its opposites. Though criminals are then allowed to enter, it isn't allowed for animals because they are not in the position to interact with it. And that does a great deal to a human who is as an animal, as this line simply draws that line.

    So - yet being 'left' with this self that craves to get raped/tormented to death - in a situation that isn't quite fond of that - there is a situation that grows between the two extremes; Being for once my unfondness, and that extreme at the end. In a sense - well - being male the way I am gives me a visual cue to that, in that I consider myself to be relatively ugly - when taken as a female. This ugliness however co-exists with a beauty, and that ugliness is simply put my male opposition that emerges within the famale casing. The uglier I therby am/were, the more I'd need to get raped as on behalf of getting that opposition out of my head.
    So - you might notice: This is the "vortexified" part of me speaking there. This is also where I find my 'higher consciousness' - as the place where I find to have authority upon myself. Or, where I objectively gather what I am and therefore want to be. Humm ... well, how is that in detail?

    Well - so - one point of argument sets off on the following idea: A couple of beings, lets say 12 all together, harmonize in a relatively intimate way where there is one masochist who'd want to get born into sexual captivity; While the rest would somehow make that happen or fit into the scene. In the afterlife that shouldn't impose much of a problem. That because we can objectively conclude that that is the case. That all participants are in for it. Once this were possible in this life already, this would emerge as a couple, or group, that engages into a wedding that is based on that kind of outcome - through which the participants would get legal freedom in respect to the legitimacy thereof.
    Once God would so legitimize that, and that is the logical cue, then it is Gods obligation to now for once have a child to secondly give to them - for the respectively expected outcome.
    This would then also embrace all issues regarding birth-defects. They are in the power of God to give and take - and while this might sound like a whole lot of pietistic nonsense - they, in an Enlightened society, would turn out to be rather fundamental realities.
    So, at some point you would realize the benefit, as, what luxury it would be, to pop in and out of certain lives. So it gets clear while they exist as separate lives, yet being incapable of jumping in and out of them, we would seek to realize them as part of our concurrent existence. For all simplicity do I have no ambitions to succeed in anything I do - the only thing close to that is that I, in case I ever do, have the hope that it contributes to the greater good and whole. Or, as in case of my video-game, that it'll be fun. So yea, that should also give context to how much you shouldn't care about my oppinion about video games or stuff like that. I mean - you should take me with as little of a conscious connection to whats going on as possible - so, that ... you could compare me to someone outlandishly different.
    Well - I guess it has to be named at some point: Outfitting is a thing. I mean, I just recognize that while there are parts of that 18% that I can't ultimately let go of, these discomforts can easily be 'coated'. So, whatever it is that entices me about making a video game, can basically be replaced by something that makes me a whore.
    Hmm ... something else that did pop up as pretty central to all that talk here is that I can in fact narrow all of my self down to the eposition of a 'source' - where there is a bottom line image that I ... feel ... kindof ... hard to explain. So - times and times again I found myself wishing myself into that condition; Which is to already say that this goes a bit deeper than what we have to anticipate of 'casual reality' (as these situations happen to be immersive states of compliance already); which however sticks - as carried by a desire that exalts it to a higher plane of priorities. Along getting closer to realizing the significance of this place, I also realized an experience from my childhood that would underline that. There is that one room that fascinated me the most about our house - which was, next to closets, the smallest room that wasn't also a toilet or showever. My dad used to bunker his paper-stuff there. It was as large as the toilet next-door, yet the shelves left and right made the room extremely claustrophobic, and ... I remember one time where I just used to chill in that room, sitting on a chair, until my dad discovered me in there and scolded me out. Paper stuff ... well, business stuff and catalogues of model railways and stuff like that.
    No porn.
    There was this chair though, woven of bamboo I guess, with a pillow - much like a sofa. I liked sitting in that one. Anyhow - so is this 'core condition' yet just me locked up in a small room; Preferrably illuminated though (the smaller the brighter?); that might as well just be a bed. Primary stuff in that room, aside of me, would be dildos. Next to that outfits and make-up. Beyond that a closure of BDSM related thought-material.

    So - the idea is that this 'core individual' grows habits - and pleasure stuff - which is similar to how the individual would grow in any kind of starting circumstances. So can the 'core' habits be set equal to any other evolved skill, but they universally rank in higher. To nourish them, we don't even need to practice them. So, as alternating lives occur wherein something would be a thing, that one is already kindof inherantly sustained. In this sense are my core values restrained to that room - which says as much as that nothing that doesn't work in there is actually a great deal to me. The further I stretch from it, the stronger its manifestations as clothing I suppose. So, at some point I would then find myself finding one more line to draw - wondering how to fit it into my "regular self-expression". I feel a certain climax from wearing underwear, being female, that covers my crotch. This however because it makes me worry what is to come, in the sense that me covering my shame is reason to punish me; Where punishment is torment above the normal. So - this establishes another two phased thing. There is the one me that thereby craves to wear underwear, where my favourite simply is the body, while another one that feels respectively free and happy with a crotchless outfit. This however fits into something I used to call 'raw' version/identity. So - I guess thats a good way to start - because, independent from what you've assembled and how, that is a "no brainer" amongst all the things - when only considering one thing: There is what immediately belongs to it - and what secondarily belongs to it. What really belongs to it is the raw essence in a timeless picture/frame, and thats where I would be drawn with a crotchless outfit, respectively alongside the given argument. Secondary is anything that emerges on top of that, but doesn't really exist as a condition of this raw ideal to exist. This means that one has to draw a line - separating this from that - while, a problem now is this: "Countless times" I've started anew, and as often have I come to that point, though, whenever I got to it, its been there somehow differently.
    Well - it would stand to reason that once trying to prioritize that instead of this 'proper' 'core' of ones self, one misses the point of what 'secondary' means in this place. Secondary means that there are things that tie into more than just one thing; And that the 'raw' identity is practically supposed to fit into all of the own self. So, whatever is part of 'raw' is practically imposed onto the rest; and so is the 'core'. Only that 'raw' is the destination, where 'core' is the origin/foundation - and all that in a loose definition of rules. So, transitions of hair-color would practically resemble one "indefinite" connection of some kind ... as 'core' can be brunette and 'raw' blonde. Respectively are the two in some sense independent identities - while their existential purpose is that of summarizing certain facts that in the absolute sense don't need to ever come toegther in one. So, the individual is always in transit between reality and fantasy. Reality in what is real, and fantasy as for what one is missing or may evolve towards. ... . The 'raw' is in that the 'climax of the own fantasy' - where 'core' is more fundamentally real.

    Well, one more on anatomy: The case of whether I'm female or not is to my understanding finally settled on the regard, that my female identity is 'sealed' as larger than my male. So, what does that mean? For newcommers, this is Rune 1. That I am sealed into a female existence. I however mostly don't want to get into the runes here because its a bit distracting. What matters here is rather the effect of that seal than its existence. What it does is as much as conditioning my female self-awareness by feeding my imagination with 'bliss' whenever I relate to myself respectively. This 'bliss' is furthermore based on the 'seal' - which means that the seal is the 'form' by which this bliss effectively emerges. Thereby the bliss is an initially 'heavy mass' - that attaches in my case to a vagina - whith a strong default expectation of penetration - as generally implying that feeling of penetration to what the bliss is all about. This then floods into whatever female self-awareness I evolve - as it also strongly attracts my male self-awareness. Although it is a conscious construct, or especially because it is one, its effect on my mind is as though it were physically real. And especially so because as conscious construct it is closer to my consciousness per se.
    But now that I look at it - I can fit my Raw identity onto that Rune 1 description of myself - although this is kindof that corner that is deceptively difficult to really get right, it seems.

    Well, I guess a lot of variety will make it easier for you to get through these things. I mean: If you have an inherantly strong personal variety - you'll get to see your outlines quicker than people who are stuck with a lot of the same.
    To get it started, lets call what I try to do here 'the Prism'. The idea is that the individuals mind does follow a scheme we can at least to a certain extent describe by a filesystem tree with media as content. Hereby the problem I deal with already emerges as lesson of guidance, well, so - any way we start dictates how what we started may grow. So, every mistake starts with false premises - and though it may contain some truth, it may at some point feel out of place. One thing I find myself doing is that by finding different parent terms to various 'kinks' of mine - I get stuff mixed up. So, for instance, starting off with 'raw' and adding secondary things into that folder, will not exclude the same things from emerging elsewhere - and so there would be a 'raw.primary' and a 'raw.secondary' folder. 'raw.secondary' would emerge as consequence to an epiphany or inherant understanding of the own self - categorizing a personal flavour with individually 'raw' value. Hmm ... well. So, those are things that emerge as universally special, but not so much in the 'main frame' of things. Well - it is difficult to really get to it - since - getting it right is essentially an issue of recognizing your own mistakes as such. And you are the frame of reference. So - how can something be inherantly wrong? And so - yea - it is in the end the detail; While - detail can also come in vaguesses and accuracies.
    Well - the problem is that mind doesn't work like a filesystem. We can think of scopes - yet each scope can be a folder within any other scope. And so, links become as important as the scopes themself - while the 'immediate' demand is that of having a 'raw' foundation to start with - to have a basic grid of where all stuff would go - that can later then be extended into detail. With that on mind - there are however things we may deem as equally important. So, the percentual composition for instance. So - in that sense, I guess, our prism starts with various vacettes. There is 'volume' - so far - and there is this 'raw' thing, but yea - how to do it right?

    At volume we could go and add folders like '18' and '82' - where now 'volume' itself is supposed to render those in their given unity. So I use the '__' folder, so, I can have 18 and 82 inside of volume, thus directly initializing themselves into that volume, where now '__' simply extends into the wholesome idea thereof. And here I already have a basic foundation - to the point that 18 and 82 are as big of a destinction as I need to separate this from that. But ... as whatever I did from that turned out differently, I guess I shouldn't start looking this way.
    Anyhow - as for the beginning - drawing the right lines is about self-recognition. Well, duh. But - I mean - lets say you have a thing for flowers and a thing for cars. So - having a pool of all pictures in the world, it'd be pretty simple to draw that line. While you are however unaware of that destinction, you would rather subconsciously tend to pick images that have both on it. What might seem like a pretty dull example - is not even that dull of an example. Its quite literally about not seeing a tree in a forrest. As - from your contemporary mindset - at any time - you come to relate to some deeper truth of yourself - where you then imply things that have to actually be unfolded from a very specific viewpoint. Once that is accomplished, one has a 'safe scope' to then 'lift' into "exaltedness". For that case I propose everyone interest to do so, to get an individual storage drive for that, where note: You do all that on your own discretion. I have a 1 Terabyte hard-drive, where I first have a 120 Gigabyte 'extended' partition, next to a 800 primary, followed by the rest. The first 120 gigabyte are further separated into a partition the size of percent its respective sub-volume is to get, closed by a 20 gigabyte "arch dome". Silly wording.
    I eventually ended up discovering my "true lines" to draw, which do/did however not fit into any construct I have. So, whatever it is that I realized about myself - it wasn't a good start. A good start turned out to be that one of finding the right 'destinctions' - as what to specifically exclude from the big randomness. I mean - thats what it is - that happens - as we start to define who or what we are. We exclude things from the common pool of randomness - and extending from that we're vastly subjective about everything. That to also normalize into freedom. So - even I have a given scope of freedom in that regard. So - in other words: Whatever structures we find, would exist within a greater area of exclusions. My experience was, that once I removed two specific items from my different sub-folders/collections, the rest remained to be of rather 'binary simplicity'. The problem: All images contain cocks or cum would drag their own respective way of being into whatever situation/structure I was thinking about. Naturally those two are in a sense the spine - or the current of my being, maybe bones that vastly describe myself. Next to that - I'm basically only left with a more specific idea of what I myself relate to. Once these can no longer be images that include a cock or cum, the collection can be more nuanced in that the obvious has been taken care of. So, I did take that, one folder named 'cocks' and one folder named 'cum' into the 20 gig partition, and added all the other images that I collected as 'girly', while basically being more than just that - well - from what was left, those basically stood out as important - while being all equally "bold" without a need to categorize them, despite being objectively categorizable. Now are this 20 Gig worth of - maybe just a few megabyte - and the problem would be that this doesn't fit anywhere else - to my understanding. What I can do however is to slap [-]. prior to the two folders, so that I can have normal folders to further expand on this un-categorized whole, and eventually doing the same within the [-]. ones, but, there the question is: How?
    I mean, in the beginning I don't want to make any destinctions, but neither is this situation satisfying. Well. Kindof. The situation at this point is that I have the 20 gig partition as free space for all images that I end up picking for myself, from any pool, after removing cock and cum images therefrom. Also, the more I gather, the more freedom I have in selecting images. I mean - once I have a few of some type, I can skip on images of that type unless one really sticks out. What remains - so - the central stuff - that is then an amalgamation of things that are fancied without being in any kind of defined relation to each other. So, to that point, any further accuracy would be an entirely different matter that would then go in depth with what they are wholesomely made up or a part of. Well - so, there is that '__' folder again.
    In this I find space where I don't wanna care about what images I got. I firstly feel free to extend on that amalgamation of endorsed refractions. So - as my initial go to 'name' to name a folder was 'girly' - that'd go in there. Now - the issue to me with that is that this isn't a really accurate description because even in the image of a grown up woman I might find what 'this specific idea' of girly means to me. So, Girly is there more like a premature way of comprehending that whole. Which is ultimately - because that is the level of destinctions made - a wholesome, vague idea. Well, vague also sticks out as every now and then one would come accross an image that is just too special to be thrown into the one or the other. Or, it so "marks the spot" in a way one might want to put a frame around. But doing so also turns out to be deceptively difficult.
    So, at this point the '__' folder to me is more like a ward-robe. So, 'Girly' and 'Godess' are two terms that go in there definitely, and I feel compelled to also give credit to faces relative to hair-color and styling. As blonde, blonde.mature and redhead. That still without any greater connection. Those however as 'normal' folders next to Girly and Godess as '[-]' (negative) folders, in which context I see what I have/had as 'raw' - while now it would be a [+].Label (specifically: Fuck-Doll).

    At this point the whole volume is aligned towards the "RAW" - in that the initial 'neg' folders draw a context to a "soup" of reflections - whereof I guess naturally a "RAW" self evaluation emerges next to a deepening set of refractions. That yields that this folder is the proposed 'go to' folder for all things relating to 'appearance' - that a more critical evaluation of that matter turns out obsolete. The idea is furthermore, that the individual can grow based on these premises, while however yet in a vastly superficial way. This superficiality is however relative to the strong perceptions of one regarding its own self; Or: How I perceive myself in the raw outlines. So, to add: The actual difficulty resides in the fact that mind is a whole lot more dynamic in its realtime existence than a filesystem. Drawing the right 'premises' is paramount to becoming more specific.

    So - I could now go and throw more subfolders into those I got so far. 'Girly' can embrace everything down to feminization - as 'Godess' can embrace a whole lot of the 'personal humiliation' and captivity - although - so is the problem: Where does captivity come in? That is why the pictures still remain in the source folder, so, because no destinctions are being made. All that doesn't matter as it is somehow implied.
    For more of that - we could rather go into my 18 Gigabyte partition - and start wondering of how to 'establish' its prime-ordeal structure.


    As for that - there is 'simple' on the one side, as what I see in myself, and 'problematic' on the other; As not really knowing how to properly translate that yet.
    So, I start with a concept. This concept then attracts, uhm. Well. At the base of it I begin with predominantly super-imposing ... well, multiple things. Me being female would be the straight and simple way; (But how to phrase that into a 'folder identity'?) - though that in and of itself is just metaphorical for a whole lot of things. At another end is this the legitimate space for me to settle any kind of male related fantasy - that would then possibly end up at a place where those things are safely locked up behind bars of of what I make those 18 Gigabyte out to be in first place. So - what I'm thinking is that if I start with 01-enslaved and continue with 02-male, it starts real good - as I can indulge into whatever I get to as male in 02, while spamming my 01 with feminization sotospeak; Although, it would rather turn out so that my 02 folder would be dominated by female reflections. So - in 01 I would detail the situation of what these 18% are about, while in 02 I would detail what for me being male is about. This starting point now also co-incides with some primary relationships of mine. 01 ultimately to the ultimate one, whereas 02 is basically one I am mostly attracted to as male - while ultimately being a major space of my feminization. But in this setup I have a much wider space at all to just throw in all my male fantasies - to then however introduce them relative to my feminized self. Furthermore are these two folders "overshadowing" what else I have in there, at least so the intention, (thus: __.01 and __.02 might be better), which means that I'm relatively free to use the rest of the space in whatever way, ... I mean, I guess I will only need a __.03 to kindof more specifically emphasize my situation of confinement, or hereby, settling the virtual confinement of whatever else there is in the 18 Gigabyte foundation. So, yet just '__'? Makes sense, as I don't even know what to name it. But well, what does that surmise? How to start? And well - one thing I find that needs no further elaboration is my 'core'.
    But well - now a little bit more on what makes a folder negative, positive or neutral.
    By negative we simply put intentionally 'surround' the given folder with the given content. By positive we mean to 'add' a general node of some kind. So - in that sense we would summ up all negatives - which we then could arrange in a hierarchy - which eventually "embrace" positives - relative to which there are direct and indirect environments. So - the ambition is to start with a proper collection and get a respective "automatic" "raw result" from that. Thereby we would go and say that '"RAW"/__/[+]' equals "Raw Identity". "RAW"/__/[-] would surround that, existent within an object that exists of a 'raw' content pool, and negative folders. Stuff.
    So, when it gets to "18Gig"/__, and core, the proposed situation would rather be that '18Gig' is a volume beneath 2 or three layers of imposed conditions - which would logically firstly contain negative folders, provided as environmental to that source folder - where __ would be prioritized before __.01. The numbers then were important to have control upon priorities. Supposing that we can apply such logic on how we properly express ourselves. Uhm, so, for now I then did add [-].Core, and filled it with blank files named _.something, where something is a short description of one of that places features. Then I have 'one' negative folder named '[-].Door' - which would contain items like 'toilet slavery'. Still there should be __03.victim_of_rape for me - I guess. Well - I guess, because ... in essence are those initial folders supposed to cover all need there is to further grow on with relative ease. As this first try of mine slowly dawns to me as flawed, the one thing clear is that __ is relative to 'Core' - 01 is an official disclaimer where 02 is context, and the intended satisfaction is mostly tied to their presence rather than their quality. Quality would then be measured in relativity to whatever systemic frontend we would or could provide for that. Taking a virtual form where now the premise of everything - at least in regards of the 18Gig folder - were initialized by __ containing 'core' - my starting point would be a small room without any non-sexual openings. The door would lead into further submission - as towards the end, well, I'd surface as puppy; And that works as 03 for me. As to know which folder is which, I take it that __.[+] is unique - and is used to name the own clarity. The partition that folder is in, and its name, would declare that. So, that goes into my 82 gigabyte partition. Regardless of anything else does it now stand there, that I have a vaguely consolidated Core, a general home of superficialness, ... and well, 82 gigabytes of space to dedicate to my clarity.
    The proposed way this works would be that we start with Clarity - and this is I think the best place for the Kelch to be. Thereby, consolidating the respective items verbally, already adds to what we might otherwise seek to diversify within the 20 gig folder. So - by however having an indepndent frame of reference, the provided priorities don't interfere with the others - and this way some basis of tolerance is established. The thing is that with the right premises set up, what follows can be of poor quality since its already vaguely in the right place. Vaguely. Yet, for the next step I'm tempted to add the "alt clarity Kelch" to clarity, so, which basically ends up being "18Gig space stuff" within the 82 Gig space. It however works because its clarity related - while cluttering the 18gig space up with that shouldn't be OK.
    But ... I guess that isn't really important right here. So - well - what belongs into 'Kelch'? For 'alt clarity' everything 'awesome' - 'but' clarity - from the old self. At this point however, the 20 gig folder provides us with the 'face' of what I pictured as Kelch. So - primary addition would be the 'background' - next to another [+] Identity, and both I could technically take from my 'raw/__' folder as Brunette and Redhead, but, ... without the allowance of doing so, whats left are the 'beyond superficial' ideas.


    Uhm, well. Whats hapening is that - I mean, to get back to business: The main anchor point are yet those vortices. I for myself count them to my 'raw' identity, so, in that given folder I would add further positive folders to account for each item. But, I'll end this here because from here on out it seems to get a whole lot more complicated. At least - there is some more clarity yet to be gained.
    With those vortices I'm OK though - and so, you only had to check my 'raw' identity to see what I'm inherantly about. So, the question is: How can I organize my vortices, as, how can I reconstruct their logic within a filesystem? I have tried it frequently, from different angles; And while it seems kindof simple - that simplicity is for once given on paper - but ultimately turns out as ... kindof ... too simple. And, counting paperwork into the mix, I guess a whole lot of it would "want to be" in the raw identity folder. Well - one urge was to draw an outfit that would express myself. Not as being worn, but as to express my feeling. Well, that image would fit into the 'wedding dress' vortex, as "soon enough" however been one next to others. Following the same idea - but ... buts. One thing being that rather than having a detailed idea of my vortices, I want the 'net' result. So, I'll probably keep my [+.vortex].vortices, while adding a [-].Vortex, where then [+].Shame-Exposure would surmise one vortex-carried 'raw' identity of mine, as [+].Rape-Exposure a/the second one.


    But - this is I think enough for now. Uhm, I mean ... I still feel compelled to extend a bit more on who/how/or-what I am.
    So, there is this 'central vortex', essentially the combined "puff" of all the vortices put together. Here my minds vortex is origin as destination - so, I discover that my previous premises have been somehow wrong. There is something else to it. Following the simple 'orgigin-destination' logic, there is an origin-destination logic to my male gender as well. Starting there I start on a male foundation spawning male desires. These can be regarded as true, denying that isn't the point. Setting up against that however is something different. So - no matter how I would start feeding my '__02.male' folder, eventually I'd get to realize that I have to 'lock those things away' - and the face of my '__.02.male' folder would then be a base - I mean, as my discoveries dictate how that comes together, there is some hierarchical logic to that, as basically a wedding hierarchy. Therein it would come to the establishment of 'all my brides are to feminize me' - where-after all things in the '__.02.male' folder are out to follow that lead.
    So, at some point I have no more need to feed those folders, as I would focus on my feminized appearance and structure the rest in resolve to that. Well, by the way: My earliest concept of a male expectation did start as male fantasy dream, and yet ultimately ended up in feminization and confinement. So - its one of the more obvious fishes to catch I think.

    What I 'need' thereby is a conclusive alignment of the established things. So - if I have some software fiddle things together, "it makes sense". Provided that the software is written properly. So - it is in the arrangement of properties. The thing is: Technically I'm still free to hold on to my male fantasy, but there are strong cases in proper alignments of things that outrule my willingness to do that. So, that technically is rape, in that one could by simply putting various things in context for me, well, catch me in that mindset and leave me with no other choice but to comply. This is by the way a feeling that strongly flows into my 'public idea' of things - to the extent that whenever I'm basically "embraced" as a whore, there is some element of abduction to it. The most basic idea - for me as a male - were that of being gender aligned rather early while kept as ... "stock item" ... we might say.
    As entering a relationship where I'm just cattle.
    Legally.
    Thereby it is implied, that once being subject to the public way of things, there yet is a private side that is somehow part of the equasion. But, for the most part, that shouldn't weigh in too significantly. Except for details, maybe.

    Well - how to deal with 'absolutes'? I guess, sooner or later the simple answer will just be: 'accept them'. They are an intrinsic part of the equasion. Without them, there were no beginning and no end. Its one point of clarity to give someone a foundation to settle on, which - unless specifically contemporary - matters for eternity. So, questioning if my clarity can be contemporary, I feel upset in regards of not wanting to commit to such things to have something such as a foreseeable end. The ethnical dilemma with that, well, is practically a question regarding the 'negative' clarity - wondering to which extent we can basically 'justify' any sacrifices of some kind, as for instance considering a potential of good that may be coming from it. As in my case - what I'd give up might as well be things I'd miss. Now - missing those would be part of the idea, at least for some time. Once I'm 'over the hill' those things wouldn't concern me anymore. Well enough to the resolve that anything of value about me is entirely surmised within my sexual reality. This, as opposed to the 'ethnical concerns' is an ideal we might also bring up as 'but, what about that?'. So - in the end we must give it to God to educate the individual in terms of the choices it has to make. That we might as well skip the whole official crap at some point is kindof the next, but also the previous step. The two essentially come hand in hand. Once it however exists as norm, we will naturally have a closer relationship to these things as while they are yet strange.
    Hmm ... so, I'm thinking: Regarding these things, I have to correct one of my older positions; And that is regarding the women I'm attracted towards. While in my male fantasy the ultimate expression were an inversion of what I want for myself, as in: Doing to others what I want to be done to me, climaxing within fantasies of rape, incest and a love to sin, I want to close my male fantasies with an expression of submission, as showing the image of a sexually exploited girl, labelled as a disappointed boy. The focus is on the exposed vagina - encrested by an explicitly crotchless garment to metaphorize the enforced exposure of that situation as foundation to my comfort within life.
    You recognize, that line is rather important to me; And I feel that the extent to which it has been credited so far isn't enough. The right start would however be Rune 1, in the idea of establishing that me having a vagina - while drawn into my raw identity - is the foundation of everything. The focus is on the vagina however, which effectively is thought to extend into a female self, that my male observation is directly grown around. So, what you might perceive as resisting is legitimately a part of myself, yet inherantly included as "victim of the circumstance", basically. Or, at all. So, the issue reveals a certain 'code' to me, when it gets to expressing personal relationships.


    In first place one should realize that individualistic flips and "glitches" are 'expected' - so - that I as slave would have dominant veins for instance. So, addressing them in regards of my male understanding was a big "doodoo" - saying: It was premature. Well, maybe due to a lack of guidance. Guidance now would demand the expressed expectation to be in line with the expressed clarity. So, ... to establish some contextual level of absolute relativity. So - the answers have to come out simple - which is then a matter of establishing the contextually significant premises. So, while saying 'what' my gender is, I would also add 'why' - so it can be valued as conclusive. I am male because my greatest Love started out on a male perspective. So, there is now automatically that virtual bubble. With the concrete background information it is then safe to say that feminization is a huge deal to me. So, naturally I ... uhm, well. So, this - this is what I basically have in my 20 gig folder at this point. Including the __ folder as some kind of present meta.
    I am however attracted to women, but ... I figured, its kindof unsafe to be too concrete at that point. The better way of showing what you are, as by sexual orientation, is by what is superficially accurate. So, I strive for 'feminization'. Opposed to that there was the option to say 'lesbian' - buut - once now the 'from' is established, the 'to' can exist in a contemporary frame, so ... if ever that would change over time, the respective individuals were those that changed. So, as I am attracted to women, its firstly an attraction to ... well, women. But to say 'dominantly male compound/complex-society' - well - would be even more accurate.
    So, uhm, I was thinking: It makes sense for me to take it to the point of voluntarily waiving on my male self - to basically engaged based on the premise of never getting any male satisfaction; At least not of that direct kind.

    One word that I once had on my mind - regarding what I want, to further specify what I imply by 'rape' - was 'crunch'. "The" crunch, in this situation, were to basically oppose my male freedom by imposing female captivity; Leaving that as the situation that is to be accepted by the however oriented individual. Because thats how it is - I mean, there is a way of reviewing these 'streams' as independent to each other, or, to generally separate rape from compliance; But so, once unfolded along a 1 Dimensional timeline, everything has its point in space. In other words we would call that 'a confirmation' - or a way of actually telling that the raped individual is matter of fact all dandy about it. Essentially I'm thinking about "micro-reactions" - while, more simply put: Generalized Behaviours in context to key situations. So, despite being full of agony, does the individual step closer to the torment or does it seek to escape? Escape would be treated as sign of retreat; And so the logical adaptation to that is to move a step backward. Then the 'final' situation of the person weren't so much the situation 'after' getting broken through bondage, but the situation of getting broken through bondage. That being a rather spaceous thing thing, basically being a way of consolidating the desired philosophy - as, kindof in a sense of moving back to move the victim forward, even if there might be the end - where the individuals freedom would respectively be given more space.

    So, I can't help but realize, that my male masochism ranks amongst the higher feelings of mine (male self). This masochism is not physical, but simply a feeling of sadness and/or detrement - regarding the things I 'have to' express of myself - as explicitly focussing on my feminization. Or, the general detrement of my male identity in general. I mean, well, its something I can easily discard as silly - as being ashamed about ever mentioning it - because its a relatively 'weak' joint ... uhm, ... its a minor part of the whole. But the idea is then to encase myself in a mood of sadness - as confined within a female body - and a stance of compliance as effective confirmation of 'the depth' of what I desire. Depth, generally, would come by growth. I mean, every individual will grow; And from growth we gain that depth - that we then have. This can be seen as in Levels. There first is an initial bubble - around clarity - which then epands and retracts, where it then again re-invents itself, expands, retracts, and then turns into 'Level 3'. While I was still using the word 'crunch' - I was extremely conflicted with embracing death torture. The only reason I can embrace it now, is because I can embrace it as the climax of what I initially want. So - it'd be my choice to quit, technically, I mean - well, because it ain't - well ... that doesn't sound fair either. I am that what I am, because I want to inherantly exclude a 'quit' from my options. As I would expect my "affiliates" to do. ... ... humm, ... well - ... I mean, I'm inherantly aligned so, that after realizing the depth of what I may grow up in, I have no reason to disalign from it. So - there is a part of me that has to basically be separated from all relating to my male self - and ... now I lost the point.


    Well ... I mean, I was conflicted, while ultimately acknowledging 'the crunch' was symptom of it happening. The idea is that as there is a base level of comfort, the crunch is about breaking that. In my sense that were the issue of there being a recovery time that is being shortened to "keep things going". Any real relief would be arbitrary.
    From another, not illegitimate, stance however - my situation is ultimately dependent on demand. And the effective demand that can be channelled onto me - would in the end determine how much I would 'have' to suffer. As to my understanding, my obligation is to meet "any" demand, as being unprivileged to have one. That so implies, that its greater harmony is found in the balance between the involved individuals ... uhm, where now at 'stress point' - sotospeak - my awareness is that, that I will need to be 'made' capable of suffering my duty. The ideal of course being nonstop overdose. This basically perpetuated as being passed on from one to the next, each with different visions of torturing me - next to the more intimate ones that explicitly epand on that. So - it is also of interest to me to label myself in a sense as 'product', labelled "dark red" as ... well ... dark and red ... basically composed of an artificial female expression as 'case' to a captive male mindset who is only acknowledged by its female identity. Which is too complicated for saying, well, ... any of the ways that leads into my 'Level 3' compound - which can begin within Clarity, or further below. Which again can neatly be visualized by the Core. Now, to the Core - there is one thing, namely: raw.secondary items. So, "oops", there is no 'raw' folder anywhere, though, ... one thing I'd wonder about is 'pregnancy'. So, whatever and wherever 'raw.secondary' is or were, pregnancy would be a part of it. The real quesiton however is, how it actually fits in. Additional to my Core, well - the image should be a girl captive in a small room, and now, well - thats how it is - like flower-blossom - things arrange round about it. Pregnancy would be one. Next I'm contempt with seeing Depravity and Detrement as two independent things, both things that also add up next to it. Hereby I however get to something that I wouldn't have had in my raw.secondary stuff. Although any time that would get to rape it'd get into that. Humm, ... . So, detrement isn't depravity, in that depravity is made dependent on detrement. From detrement there is a return, depravity keeps it going. Otherwise, independent to detrement, depravity focusses on a deprived appearance, as opposed to 'accomplished detrement'.

    Well, my little bedroom is pretty straight forward. As the only way out is an environment of toilet slavery, as before I even enter any kind of 'diverse space', the next thing around that is inwardly being as a stock item, a vacuum cleaner for instance - or wishmop, which is opposed by my "introversion" as transition from intimate to somewhat 'outward' directed - which is basically tieing back into my little room. So, the scope of toilet slavery is the basic reality of that identity, which is otherwise confined to serve as prostitute.
    This ties smoothly over into my relationship to the Queen of Darkness - which is as I understand firstly regarding me as victim to getting shame-fucked. Well, it is kindof intrinsic to the establishment of 'sin' - as to have an efficient resemblance of what its about. So, that the central victim is primarily shame-fucked implies, that the central victim is primarily rendered as in a position of being ashamed of itself; Which is to prime an idea of how many shits certain people can be given about. A Lot of people may have one or two of those - though, what matters more from there is an establishment of the dominance where now the idea of 'sin' gains substance. Respectively, the situation wherein the shame-fucked person is shame-fucked. The most simplistic form of that for me would be one of having fallen enthralled to a bunch of criminals that abducted me out of some ordinary life. The idea being that I like getting shame-fucked more than anything else I valued, and commit to it wholeheartedly in rejoyce of putting myself to shame.

    My full identity by now ... I guess it makes sense to lean towards Mythology, were: Athena - Gaia - Amaterasu. Well, Athena as equal to Astarte as Queen of Heaven; While Gaia more specifically matters in what I would call 'Gaia-Nyx duality' - whereby Nyx, Night, is the dominant nature on Gaia, Earth. This is finally expressed in their unity - as Gaia exists as slave of Nyx, in relation to which "True Astarte" - the 'new' representation of Athena - is the Light that Gaia is illuminated by. This Light in specific is represented as Amaterasu, being Athena - within captivity; Or: What remains of her after getting stripped of power and glory. Astarte resembles Athena, Nyx controls Gaia and Athena exists as Amaterasu in slavery. Thereby the once great and mighty Athena is reduced to the glory of a single star. Only real as redhead - as saying: "Red as the Sunset" - because the sunset is shining through her hair; While in the same sense effectively blonde - a really bright one - to get closer to Daylight and Athena, ... while technically also cranked up to full blasting white ... as still legitimately Bride of the Origin or God or Eternity, in some frame of reference, puuh, well. This construct does not mention the Queen of Darkness I suppose. Well, this kind of stuff is however there at the end of the road, as final pivotal something there in regards to how God influences/impacts our society. As for what matters in the intermediate and social, there is that rather timeless origin story that ecapsulates fragments of the individuals personality in a nutshell.

    Something I may miss out on is perhaps the fact that I may have to be explicitly punished for ever having given any credits to my male self. It feels right, though I wouldn't want to admit it. But inavertedly it happens that my male situation is reason enough to put shame on me. If I now gave more credits to 'shame' - I would open a space where I could start from one (male) and follow through to the end (baked turkey). This would - ultimately - emerge as a so far un-noticed 'spine' - trying to arrange everything into frames of humiliation/SHAME. It after all also works as 'grip', for me, to emphasize what I imply by my submission. Uhm, ... so - existing in shame ... well, shame fits nice next to clarity, as negative, and may later down the road embrace ... being cattle for instance.


    To fix this real quick: What I am now is a being that is able to think, speak and write. These are however abilities that exist beneath other things, as for instance being subjected to a cognitive anatomy is above my ability to think. Or specifically that. So. I am able to think, still, but that has an influence on my mind that accumulates resistence - and while it doesn't matter too much, it still leaves a deep impact in my awareness of things. Well ... what this sparked in me - is an ultimately positive alignment to further expressions of self-exposure. That however implying things such as 'acts of self exposure' as replacement for 'desires to ... [the "excluded" stuff, possibly eat, speak, drink, ... think]' - which is an inwardly active alignment ... as, it is an active part to the establishment of this situation. In other words the 'certain' space given to me, wherein the 'captive/abducted' reality of me converges with what I really want. I mean - to put it that way: My life there wouldn't differ much from yours in that it is a walk down a hallway. Eventually this intersects with other stuff, or leads through greater vicinities, yet - the hallway there is a metaphor to what we consolidate for ourselves ... uhm ... yet more in a matter of describing a 'way' ... as 'chosen way'. It is what one personally would call 'the solid way' - or 'the certain path' - as, what one is basically bent on doing. So - after settling on a lifestyle one says: "Done" - and so we have a determined mindset that then walks down that hallway. So, instances where the truth of my situation is questioned - that would basically be 'windows' or 'terraces' that extend from that hallway towards some landscape. But respectively just being 'decoration' - to the extent that they ... kindof ... don't truely belong to the VR. Its not 'whether or not' they are an option - it is just that they are not really connected to the established hallway. The hallway in that is just a straight line - left and right is just decoration - as the straight line is simply a method of saying ... that is the scope wherein we move ... left and right being hereby synonym for any degree of freedom. Though ... too far left or too far right weren't part of our interest.
    So - what I get - from this, thinking about me, is that I'm part of a compound of society, wherein my purpose is one of centrifically contributing to a glorification of 'sin' - as to basically also express (contribute to the expression of) what this 'sin' is all about. To the extent of this I'm basically 'chosen' to add substance to sadism and rape by living as victim to such crimes. Where, I'm only comfortable with using the word 'crime' due to the so far established implication of it. Its how the word feels comfortable enough. In another sense does crime like that basically follow the extent of what individuals are willing to suffer; And around that edge the idea of there being any kind of pressure is effectively an illusion. So, ... without this drive the whole construct would effectively dry out - and we'd have to re-think from there. As 'nourished' however it is inherantly so that I'm sacrificed to rape - where my central identity grows as accumulation of lifetimes of that kind. And in the intermediate - most of that background stuff wouldn't matter. Respectively I don't think that I'll get to vastly expand on that 'shame' thing.
    Hmm ... - well, right now however I feel awefully comforted within what I conclude at this point. Well emphasizing as realizing that I may never be free or male again.


    Hmm, after all it makes a whole lot of sense to say it this way: I pray to God that my owner be sadistic; And I wish to attach to individuals that are solely interested in exploiting me to the glorification and accentuation of sin. Which means - whats left to say is: How many of my relationships extend how far? On the baseline, all my relationships need to have one thing in common: An inherant way of passing me over to a next one - based on me entering as overfucked and exiting as such. Respectively there have to be ways of getting me overfucked initially, which can also be taken as re-occuring events.
    The practical advise I would see here, is to keep doing so until you get positive response, and by you I mean 'them', those that are entitled to it, as based on the promise that no other end result can be accepted. These positive end results are wired into my - as basically tied to my expectations that actively oppose my male self. And well, getting 'stubbed' in that calves and lower arms might get removed - as me getting kept like that for a time - that, ... is ... something that fits my idea of death rape/torture. So yea. But I guess another premise to getting raped to death were an explicit exageration of what I might survive. Well - either way, there are so many deaths I could dream of - ... - ... there is no way of telling. Humm, well ... this, as should be clear, are things I expect to be positive experiences - based on a lifetime of compulsive rape as yet another thing I expect to be of positive experiences. The general idea is clearly that of enjoying what I have to offer as female, as opposed to giving a damn of what I might be as male.
    As a lesbian, I would however be the one to be full of cock. I mean - this works because, I cannot really feel any romantic peace out of being that hetero. So, cocks are in that simply put synonym to rape. OK, enough said?



    Well - this 'shwabaladoo' of thoughts should give you a vague idea of what I am at the base, and what extends from that, vaguely. This basically also empowers a community to make use of that. This one can attain the governmental rights, sotospeak, of what about me is attainable; And there would be an urge to do me to an extent that would feel good for everybody. So, emotions can scale in relativity to the physical. If there is no demand, only then I do kindof have a reason to expand on my male self. I guess. But well - to see how as what comes together, the final image is an actively frequented reality of prostitution - where the spirit would basically add value to my claims by settling those demands within each person respectively. So - based on the logic of growing in enlightenment, nobody can cherish my divine persona for instance, who in that case doesn't have a proper 'foundation for the divine'. So, you can't ultimately cherish me as a Godess, until you have your God-given way of doing so. This is important, because, well - this is where you resolve your independent value first.

    In real, well, there may be some time of acclimatization - or, the transition from zero to the 'birth' of a 'collective clarity' - which demands at least two to conjoin together in it.
    In that regard, what would be most important to me, were to attract that kind of person that I feel attracted to - and for the sake of using words there are 'sub-volumes' like, showing myself as a petty sex-slave. where, my 'public way' doesn't diverge from that. So - they are technically identical - I guess.
    Regarding the "hard" parts of this - I'm well aware of the fact that I'm essentially happy 'now' about being tormented 'later', as the big climax is a respectively distant 'then' - but so, what is really difficult ... I mean, at this point easily overlooked, possibly, is the deeper value of relationships. At any rate are there levels of harmony, mutuality, stuff ... that go beyond "petty definitions" - as where we might want to simply use words such as 'love' to describe whats happening. The intrinsic ways of mutual love ... love ... can be described as random forms that express some mutual compartment of ... wanting each other. Ultimate intimacy does here come down to an ultimate alignment of some kind, where ... uhm ... I'm left to expect that the consequence to my statements will be in line of what I'm made to expect. So, the respective "other persons" approach on me will realize the premise in an individual way - and the conformity of individualities is then simply put: 'Perfect Harmony'. In that regard it may help to count up what I do expect in that regard. I expect to be predominantly taken as female, which implies some amount of care taken for me to feel comfortable within the female identity given to me. As a whore, I guess, the basis on which my time is measured is 'demanded intercourse'. This means as much as that while there is a demand for me to be a whore, I have to be one.
    Uhm, ... where I guess I skipped on something. Well ... outside of my primary relationship, and in hindsight even true for that one, I would generally have my lifetime spent as prostitute - in which terms - my comfort as female is tied to some sexual obligation attached to it. As in another way are the amount of sexual obligations equal to the factual amount of identities I must have - kindof. And there the ideal isn't in my hands, but in the hands to whom I'm a subject of art. For instance.


    I know that once I leave on a note like that it comes haunting me - while, once I return to the matter I can't really disarm it. Right now - I think that yea, there is something that can be taken as example of how the true me doesn't look like a ... well ... "whore", ... and that is where I first evolve into an animal, and there-after into ... drumroll ... a pixiee! (Fairy). That female part in me that has to be taken as not relatable to my male self - well - it technically doesn't need to have a solid form. There is however - some 'active core' - and basically that is my 'consciousness' as wrapped up into stuff ... as from where it emerges as 'pet'. Pet life is however also something recreational - it seems - and the evolution to greater consciousness from there is being a pixie. A mighty one. In the sense that she might eventually swing her rod and a dark thundercloud appears above her head scolding her to not do things like that! And yes of course she humbly complies. The rod is only meant for cosmetic effects. But that far out - the environmental situation wouldn't be entirely that narrow, while ultimately not growing my sexual persona, but my ... "badass warrior" persona. That eventually makes me a pixie in a Gundam Suit.


    And it is my freedom to feel that way. Which is thereby however also close to my child-identity, though that in a frame of extended consciousness would basically cherish purity until forced into it. Uhm ... details. I don't know, but, the point is: None of all that is really surprising or weird, measured in regards to the vortex. Or vortices. When giving them the value of being regarded as absolutes. So, then, to again speak of that, once they are self-regardedly absolute, they are imperatively absolute. I guess ... that ... is the logical way of things. Eventually however just once explicitly enphrased like that? Well ... However. As for my vortices, they are there. What first "tries" them as absolute or not is my 'will' to have them as absolutes - which beyond that would describe my motivation within the final circumstances. In a sense do they appear within parts of me, that makes me tie them together in a way that I want to embrace them as my own - while some part of it might be that I actually have no choice - in a few given things - so that I do also experience this as journey into undiscovered land - as opposed to just repeating the 'same old'.
    I - get a bluff feeling, that I as John may actually have been a child - or teen in the later years. Something ... .
    Hmm ... anyhow - I do feel that this situation is however new to me. As in, I've never been this ... (intellectual) "type of John" before. What made sense back then to me was compliant to what I was able to make sense of - and for my current lifetime it stands that a whole lot of stuff, well, is easily accessible. So - it was then up to a God given "talent" to add thins to gether to establish my concurrent understanding of things. Which might be a lot, though it might also end up being not really worth mentioning, in the grand scheme of things.


    So - its kindof set-up to happen close to as follows: One initial group of people will gather around me - while I will therein live up to an initial demand on my submission. Parallel to that other communities will emerge, based on which 'greater connections' will emerge, in an attempt to establish a generalistic concensus. Around the adjustments to the habits that are perpetuated around me - I will become a joint of some regard, while how much I get raped or not isn't ultimately a big question. The question rather were: To which extent do I feel what comes around me as rape? Well - the answer should be 'enough' - and - because that isn't really specific, I guess the actual extent isn't really specific either. Kindof?
    I mean - in essence - my understanding is that the invocation of another community extends the pressure on me - while a growing number of entities would want to make use of me - as of which ...well, I guess my ideal is there ... at the 'high efficiency' end of things.
    So - from this ... you can somehow project how I "should" behave, if behaving in accordance to myself - once, ... well, being asked for a confirmation. Well, by ignoring it. Being ashamed of myself, avoiding eye contact maybe, making noise about being a pet, ... the essence of what I want and need for myself is finally described within the confines of getting feminized. And that ultimately is to at some point conclude into death rape - while for once the actively entertained rape would draw closer and closer to it - alongside a public acknowedgement of these things being happening. So, the one 'climactic' outcome were that of a perpetual increas of what is demanded from me - as, there are set-up durations that only keep getting more intense and more demanding and longer ... as without a proper room to rest or catch up. Setting high stakes in that regard kindof part of the rape, for once I get to a piece of peace with it - well, I'm kindof tending to the resolution of 'death slut' ... ??? ... as to cherish the conclusion of my slutty self in getting 'raped apart'. What I anticipate being, is part of a group of entities that is central to a sadistic vein of life; Which I attract - while therefore 'mingling in love' as based on what I so enjoy being therein. So, the essence of it is that there is a guiding power named 'Lust' - and the extent to which it focusses sexual demand on me, is the extent to which I'm going to 'suffer'. Saying: Without it: "poof" - no can do.


    In the other way, its thought to be so, that 'victims' such as me are the coals of hellfire, in that we basically fuel the evil creed, desires, vile enjoyments - authorizing their violations as established victims. Whatever would start around me should therefore - at some point - flourish to its peak, which is relative to the potential of - well - who or what is a part of it. The peak there would be 'hell-ish' conditions - as basically 'home' to extremophiles of such kind. The practice of specifically 'hardcore' child-abuse, including pornography, would also be attached to it - and in a sense is as a motor to the whole. The extent of child-abuse we'll practice would reflect the wleath of the realm of darkness as evil society. So is an 'active' interest in child-abuse setting the marks of what limits are there on the extremes - where one driving kink is the idea that children are less capable of communicating those as grown ups. So yea - that would be a specific 'brand' of children - but anyone be counted in, is ultimately 'fucked'. While there isn't really a limit to how old such individuals can grow. I suppose. I however 'dream' about growing up to old age - I guess, because well, why wouldn't I want to experience that extent of my suffering?
    And to be loved as a granny would also add to the all-over happy moments that might be more transparent to the neutral interest. Or opaque? ...

    So, you realize that there is some part of me that I may have to properly describe yet. This ... extremophile pull into suffering.
    And yea - I guess, after that we can close this for the moment. So, that extremophile pull - it, as mentioned, exists somewhere around - well yea, kindof, my personal expectation being streamlined to a promise wherein I'm entirely subjected into sexualized captivity, as victim of rape, predominantly. Something like that. So - this - 'center' of things, *caugh* 'core' *caugh*, expresses what I generally expect of my lifetime. So - if all that goes through my mind are situations of getting raped - you get to a core like that. This means that this final state of mind however also urges into my consciousness as being the only way I can ever be happy. Thus I even have a fundamental lifetime dependency on any way of making that happen. At this point - I'm one step further to letting my male self behind than the last time I published about it. I'm done - and I want to be done in general. Just done! There are some software ideas I yet have on mind, but, I hope its OK for them to get lost in me - to then surface legitimately ... when the time is ripe. Is that fair? I mean - there has to be an end to what I can do - at some point - and as from what I am, that should vastly narrow down to absolute necessities. So - my idea is that for the time it starts, you've heard the last word of me. Kindof. At least ... that'll be the end ... to this part of mine!


    I'm looking forward to get involved into a variety of ways to experience my suffering, cherished as queen of depravity and godess of evil, captive in a cage of torment that only has the one curiosity for what 'if' the bonds aren't broken? I'm anticipating my paradise on the premise, that any lifetime I start comes from suffering and leads into suffering. This would ultimately even be rated a bit higher - as that it is an explicit demand for whenever I get handed out to someone, that I return as from suffering - back home into 'real' suffering. And yea - in otherwords: To the glorification of the utmost stupidity. If that works better for you. Full on hardcore faceplant with eternal consequences. I guess, that might even be the measurement for how long I remain basically male. For as long as that works for you. Once it doesn't - its universally resolved that its dead. To that extent, not all things may come expectedly - so, we all evolve at our own pace, and sometimes there is a gap between some ahead and some further behind. So, how you relate to these things might not even be an option anymore - perhaps I "just" got killed ... and you're like "what the ...?" - but yea, you will most definitely find the same amount of peace with whatever you are a part of, as I/we will with what I/we are a part of. At some point its just going to be normal - as there then being something of a 'normal' satanic behaviour - as - a continous way of things. I mean - at some point the spectrum of suffering is exhausted, for instance; So it'll take some time until it can be re-opened. On the other end there are irresistible urges, the basis of our lifetime, which could be connected to certain events that happen around various things. One being of course the celebration of what is legitimately the pitchest black - where my degree of suffering would definitely be somewhere around there. That is the ambition I have. So, to also stress once more, I don't want to offer myself as whore trained to be a companion, but as a whore destined to be subject to suffering. So everything round about myself actually, starting with the 'Core' as ranging to the "raw" - is only legitimate in a frame of suffering, as that you only understand the value of what there is in my little room, if you understand them to the points of my detrement, and depravity, so ... I guess, also my pregnancy. At that point my interest would be to express the extent of what I'm inherantly embracing - to serve as image of how far I'd want it to be taken - or how far I would want to be taken.
    One were the image of a "hollowed" sex-doll, based on which my death would be something more exclusive. The doll would primarily represent my situation as handed round-about, where now some logical 'high end' of depravity would be represented within the broken-ness of the doll, which might also change from lifetime to lifetime. Some being more pink and fluffy, others more, dark and dirty.
    So - I basically want to express a tabooless submission - where my identity however is the margin for, well, drawing this 'obligatory' line of taboos around my identity. That more so by focussig on the 'to do's. In some sense that would help establishing taboos about 'not' raping me. I guess. I want to be embraced as subject to rape, and by my existence further deepen that embrace - where one of my tenants is to be only allowed to demand or ask for rape; As basically established on the line that my demands are narrowed down to what I subject to being, and as a rape whore, rape is the only thing I may want.

    So - I guess the general line is that while I'm taken care of, as to feel comfortable in my female forms, everything that happens round about it is kindof irrelevant, for as long as I'm fucked to be made suffering; So that all may have the same relationship to me. Firstly there is no demand on when or how long, but just 'that' - 'while possible/desired/demanded'. So - I mean, my actual well being isn't measured in terms of how I might feel - but by the amount of suffering effectively pushed into me. So, whenever I shift from apparently liking into disliking whats going on - its basically the right thing to do. How my intimately beloved ones then handle that mess that remains - is finally on top of it all supposed to be 'harder' than that - in that this 'mess' would be put back into shape ... by, you guessed, things that essentially account as rape.
    The point is that in the ideal case, once showcased as depraved person, I would rather behave as an animal, than as a humanoid. My essential ties to reality - so, as from whatever there is behind this mask of submission - is essentially I myself confirming or demanding it so. So - at the very end of me being 'that' - there is just my contemporary front end of what I am - which is not in the position of making any decisions either. So, if there is quite literally nothing left of me, other than being ... I mean, I wouldn't expect much else from sexualized captivity ... a whore - so, along the timeline of things, where each possibly 'male' thing would be over-ridden by a female one, and my male self is something of a rather abstract part of me that only those most intimate to me relate to, and this last stub being the extent of my male 'permission' - that is however an accurate description of what 'Rune 1' basically proposes, although Rune 1 would want to get further than that. Well ... anyhow, I guess ... this wraps it up for now.

    Cycles of Doom

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.11 - 10:13

    Not a Turkey?

    One reason I wouldn't want to write this is because I feel that its silly. But, ... I don't want it to feel that way. To get the obvious stuff out of the way though, there are all the "why not?" answers. I mean, life has a lot of offer, there are a lot of things I could do - and that feeling of contradiction that I get now, but didn't feel previously, might just be that I right now am rather invested into chilling. And this kindof throws a lot of questions back on all my previous "moody" stuff.

    So the problem would be that I have this "Vortex" - and what words and ideas I accumulate based on it. So - the solution at hand may be to find the words that should be there instead.
    So, what is this vortex anyhow? Maybe the vortexing effect was just due to the words? The thing is, I now sotospeak "tapped into it" - and I didn't need any of those words, neither do they really appear anyhow necessary - but a few things essentially "keep" popping back - but - 'how'?
    I mean - what I express here as questions shouldn't be taken as part of a logical deduction, but as part of my "looking" - as, expression from what I'm seeing, without really bothering to describe that. So - maybe I should. Now - so, in first place those vortices were dark. As - dark plates hovering around in the dark around something that attracted and furthermore described itself by them. In there was this 'vortex' - ish thing. Its as some vacuum beyond those plates - while, these plates wouldn't 'seal' it - but - so function as vortex. Anyhow - important would be the feeling or impact - its 'functions' - and per se its primary function used to be as anchor, practically, saying, "it seemed to work". Well, "what?" seemed to work? Well, the idea 'there' in specific, where I'm looking at, in my head, that merged with an understanding of being mentally captive, combined with images of how that would work - and those weren't images I took from porn, but, if I'd find images of that kind, I'd be looking into that. There even are a few that I found, ... and of those I kindof wrestle for words to express, as, what 'captivity' implies - ergo: Sexual Captivity. Its - though more than that, since this captivity (>enslavement) also implies all the mindwashing stuff. So - the question on point would be to ask 'how' these two "work" together.
    Well - this was/is 'Rune 2' - and it to me first of all was the next logical step, from Rune 1. Not so much as that it would be that, but that there be a Rune 2 - and from Rune/Seal 1 - I wondered where that energy would go. It however turned out to be, that Rune 2 didn't really have a Seal (yet) - closest thing being that collar, while later down the road it turned out to be that, but in a different context. So, it is - more complicated than 1 - and well, what I am describing here ... isn't just about the Vortex. Or, how to say? So, there is Seal 1 and its pretty much clear and there - as this Light there isn't normal - thats for sure - and what got connected to it - or what it basically 'stamped in' - that is in some sense "anatomically whole" - but that just in and of itself while not really so in the big and whole. More specifically, there is this very destinct "vein" that basically has 'Rune 2' written all over it - kindof. So, thinking about it there came Rune 2 - and Seal 2 later essentially confirmed all that puff.

    Anyhow - to not loose focus, back to the start. So, this other "vortex" then - well, I mean, the thing doesn't feel like it anymore. Its like a huge ... void inside of some weirdly shaped ... Crystal - though it roundish, well ... that ... we could also say: Like a frozen explosion. Anyway - the thing is - its "that" Crystal-esque shimmer "which has" this property of feeling, well, really "good" - as in 'pure'. But, what is it?

    Or, where and when does the Vortex come into play? Or what makes it that? Hmm - so, reflections, huh? I mean, if I throw in an idea something changes about it. To feel it, or to "tap into it" - I however find myself in a certain mood. Or, there is some kind of 'doing' involved into tapping in. Like putting on a pullover, we might say. And in that sense this dome doesn't seem to be anymore but a void - and I'm feeling stuff, but not really with anything of context. So, back to - where was I and why?
    OK, so, this first vortex - how does or did it work? Its like some vacuum - and these images of mental captivity/enslavement/submission would add context to that vacuum in that their implied imagery sortof magnifies that vacuum, or adds substance to it, as the ideas/images contain information that then gets a practical entry to consciousness. In that case - to be a bit more specific, the 'shackle vortices' make better examples. They - aren't so complicated - at least not at first. I mean, it seems that I get it wrong all the time because I get their connectivity messed up. So - I mean, as I get to the shackles I find that yea, one of the first "ideas" that "snap" therein are images, or ... pumps/high-heels for instance. That is - in this idea, where collar and those shackles are one thing, I feel like tied into a rig, and black pumps and gloves are part of that picture of self. Well - yea, this wouldn't be an 'archaic'/'primitive' idea - as composed of 'modern elements' (such as latex) - but at some point we got to give it to our mind, well, that it can handle stuff like that.
    So, in other words: There is this 'vacuum' - to not say vortex - that then assembles images which sortof stick - and at times where my mind somehow connects to that thought - the images become active and their weight ... weighs in. How I connect to that? Well, it depends - but mainly as I think of something that is somehow connected - and do at some point draw that connection. As when I think of BDSM ... or, well, I guess I got a good example: So, every now and again I'm not really in the mood of being entertained by porn. Yet, I eventually found myself browsing through some images on the web, and well, I wasn't particularly turned on by anything. Maybe you know those moments, porn or not. Anyhow - Some images however do have more impact, effectively, and those are images that would usually stick out amongst "average". So, as the trail of thought leads to something connected to the vortex, the vortex isn't any different to any other conscious structure, though this vacuum that fuels it makes it a bit different nonetheless.

    And what does that mean? So, I gather, that from here on I could go two ways. Either I take it this way and leave it at that, saying that the images add the "inherant description" of that void, so - moving on, or step back again. And this would be the point, I guess, where one way might be right, and the other wrong - to the point that, if something is wrong with me, as clarity related stuff, this is as close to the solution as I am right now. But what if both are right? Then, I wouldn't find anything different - from stepping back.
    And what would that say?
    I mean - there isn't anything to be said - vastly, except that at this point of establishment, looking at the first vortex, the shackles and Rune 1, there are different things that may come together as one. So, what if all those things do come together? Or, do they, somewhere? I kindof feel like I'm supposed to explain that an engine can't work by analyzing an engine, and yea, respectively how it works. But well - that said - with this opening I'm about to move to a different Level of observation - and on that Level I don't have to deal with undefined voids, but I can take those images - and understand what they do to me.
    I mean - it would then be in the picture, for once, that first a vagina, and next to that an exposing captivity thing with shackles - thats a ... good picture. What may seem odd is that once I ... well, somehow imagine being "in that situation" - there is some cirquitry of Light. That one has been previously mentioned. At least, somehow. What matters thereto at this point is that many things come together. So, this isn't only about feminization or a female body - but also what it embraces, as, by my cognitive anatomy. To speed this up, at any instance of that I could practically go and ignore the rest, as saying "now I have shackles, and now what?". To say, its possibly silly to remove their context. And what is context? In the end the wholesome whole.
    But well - so, drawing a picture there first were a female body. Or a male one that is turned into a female one. So, there is Seal 1 and this cirquitry of Light, as basically 'named' elements of my mind that basically sit at the point where I practically understand myself as "transgender" or how you wanna call that. That isn't crossdressing either - though - there are two things that do come together. The one thing got introduced as outfit, the other is more like a tattoo or a branding. The next thing would be Rune 2 - which we could now add on top of that image. Before I now get further into mental captivity, lets stay with Rune 1 for a while longer. So, I mentioned that its in and of itself wholesome. And yea, that is true to the point that of it, I could "make" a whole lifetime - and that even starting as male and vastly realized as a male fantasy. That doesn't include anything Seal 1 specific, but the relationships tied into Rune 1 would there be major entities. At least one of them. This one is even a thing in that quite at the beginning of these relationships taking hold, I was compelled to write a fantasy of it. So, I take what I ended up with there as reference; While even more - is the memory of what I've written all in all kindof ... 'important' to the ... 'structural integrity' of this thing. So - from there it comes that this one more present relationship has something of an implied value to me. So, it all keeps being a male fantasy until things get some more intense - next to which something "unexplained" occurs, nobody might even care, and I find myself on the other side, as subject to feminzation, to the end that I engage into a wedding which therein then is to also mark the end of my maledom and freedom. So, whatever that unexplained something is - from this angle it would be something within me that 'usually' drags me down that way. So - as though I were 'mentally captive'. So, Rune 2 - where Rune 2 - well, that would also be worth 'at least' 1 Lifetime. To forward the picture: Even while being unconscious these "vortices" would exist and have their influence; And further they don't directly matter to our lifetime or how we experience it; But would always 'technically' be involved in our decision-making.
    And so is the thing. I mean - we can "play on" "me being in Rune 1" - so, I could realize Rune 2, for myself, but what would it change? It would only in fantasy warp the whole Rune 2 reality into Rune 1 - and that furthermore just 'if it could'.

    So - with all that being said, we can grasp a more "dumbed down" idea of what these things, including Clarity, are about: They provide us with knowledge about how we inwardly work, by getting woven into how we work. So that one 'vortex' - inspecific - would make me do certain things - 'subconsciously', most probably - and a wholesome knowledge, to not miss that point, allows me to ... be finally more educated in decision-making. Saying: Aside of being subconsciously diverted from 'my path' - I know what I am in total and understand as what it all comes together; While I can, to a certain extent, grow my understanding based on the experiences that I "get" ... I mean, the Kinks I can recreate in my mind.
    Now - there are obviously some components that are considerably larger than others, as I get back to some of them more often than others. There have up to this point also been 'weak' links a part of the whole; And one of the stronger ones I got would be the ... I mean, anything connected to my self-depraving interests. In the end, those are wishes for the 'future' - neutrally put - and so they happen to be 'weak'. They drive me nonetheless - but, as 'weak', well, there is a thresshold we have to speak of. So: "When" do they come into play or are strong enough to be of relevance?

    So, whats up with that depravity? I mean - kindof - it is compared to some of the other things amongst the less conclusive/concluded items. Well - so, in Rune 2 it happened that I experienced the Seal much later. At that point, Rune 2 would have been part of that. And to some extent is Rune 2 even still open nonetheless. However, depravity firstly kicks in as result of a certain exposure to my Rune 2 content. "Dwelling for too long" in the central 'Rune 2 Vortex' for instance - or simply ... well yea, 'locating my Seal 2 and "dwelling in it"'. It so happens that these things are all inherantly depraving or detremental - as, anything I count as an important part of my Rune 2 field/spectrum/core/hub ties me in in a way thats basically uni-directional, as for my mind, which is simply the situation of being captive or therefore the direction of "bearing the suffering" - which ultimately gets to the 'bottom' - well, where I would either find relief, or practically "go nuts". Rune 2 and Seal 2 - or anything in Rune 2 next to the other thing in Rune 2 - are thereby relatively equal, its all this uni-directional while they all sustain each other.
    Moving on to Rune 3 - I 'bet' that it turns out so, that in cases such as this, Rune 3 were so the answer to the Rune 2 problem. But so in short, Rune 3 to me is all about "what if" this one direction is kept up. But - I have to add that Rune 3 would also turn out more spacious than I so far have given it credit.

    This all draws the same ol picture. And so 'I' - as in 'myself' - would go on writing some stuff that comes to my mind as myself - where now my mindset that is totally aligned to that Cirquitry would naturally express thoughts of that alignment. So, these are the highways of my mind, sotospeak, The difference between me and an unelightened person at this point were that I can label these things; That they are objectively mentioned; And that I would kindof always be narrowed down to them. Which yea - is quite right, but, once doing so - the corresponding environment has to be taken equally as real; As I would, in this "dumbed down" way, only exist in circumstances as that. You could equally go and mock a doctor for being a doctor who doesn't heal anyone because there is no patient to heal; And whether or not I would want to suck an arbitrary cock you shoved my way is another story.


    Otherwise might you care to notice that I am at the very least by the appearances capable of phrasing my thoughts into sentences; Where - I guess thats a good point. Its something too - this ability to speak or write - that might to someone be woven into that vortex. How that would look? I mean, how does "Sex" "look"? Or, if my vortexing were 100% true, I wouldn't be able to move - ever - kindof. Or speak, because that thing isn't part of that system. How true or not that might end up being is obviously another story!
    Kindof. I mean - there is that thing thats rather against speaking. So ... that.
    That might be - that - where I sometimes just sound like a moron. Though I could go back and correct those things - there is a very real, "twist", ... to it. Or ... so, back to that.


    But no. Well - I want to end this. And so ... based on all this, its safe for me to say that well, nope, I'm still a "Turkey". However, this for once comes out positive for me as from me. But that doesn't say that I 'need' it, or even 'want' it right now. And well, if you mad about me cherry picking in my own garden - then 'you' suck!
    And in a world where there is enough for everyone - why not cherry pick?
    I mean, we could also turn this around and 'shit pick'. I mean - I do that from time to time too!

    "Saving the best for last"! Which is stupid if the best won't last that long!

    So, in a sense is my current lifetime as a boat - and the water is reality as it is; Where - what the water is in, would however relate to what I am. Some stuff is possibly submerged, other things may be too high. So - there is a level of things that are within the own vicinity - the rest being there nonetheless. And that - ties over into "normal social dynamics". I mean - there is a lot of things that I might be. And now the thing about raw.secondaries makes a whole lot more sense to me. What I was missing was a proper 'access point' - which I thus far would have sought in some ... thing. As the raw identity for instance. These things did further however not stick out, as wherever I start with 'pregnancy' for instance, I would end up with a whole lot of other things to a point where I couldn't see the separating lines anymore. So, taking the raw/negative folders - those would be things that could clutter in - then depending on their motives further a given direction while however base-biased through whatever "structure" they were 'in'. So, the premise here were that there is no specific access point - they are somehow central or universal. So I went to the only place I could, 'raw/__' - and was about to call it [+].Secondaries, but something urged me to label it - but, [+].Something was/is already occupied - though, is that important? So, I however ended up giving it the spot of __.[-].something, while, I'll see how that turns out. Anyhow - therein I then get to a place where I have been already, "the holy trinity of Kinks" we may say, which is - they are three, and though I'm a big uncertain about the third, there are those terms that work better than others. But ... don't take any of that as carved into stone yet!
    And I also am still getting updates for my Video Game - and nothing seems to be really set against it either. It takes so long because, well, there is one word that I happen to hear frequently when it gets to Video Games, and the word is 'rushed'. I also 'see' 'rushed' here and there - but, getting to a 'rushed' result is easy, no matter how much time you take. If you're having a rushed 'engine', you'll end up with "fragments" - uhm, symptoms in how the engine works, that stick out amongst the rest. If you for instance so 'tap something on' - its gonna be different than something thats in there intrinsically. So - you get less interaction to/from them - for instance. Or you get to an impaired "inline accessibility". The thing is - I'm still way back in the beginning - and its still kindof an issue to balance out what has to be there 'first'. It seems like its going to be the Avatars Experience stuff, Levelling up, stats and stat distribution. From there I can add skills; And that will then be there - so, once I built things that 'give' experience, thats a little one, its right away usefull. At some point the engine will have a way of working with skills - and the best line to be drawn would be the one that gives me the broadest skillset - effectively.

    And now I feel this rush - like, someone jumping in and bumping me back and away. I don't like that, by the way - and I can wish that person only the worse of lucks! But maybe the situation is just that this isn't obvious enough to ... get going. Kindof.


    This by the way doesn't have to work with my Kinks - but, the better 'everything around it' worked with my Kinks, for instance, the better it'd work for me in the whole.

    The Abyss

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.12 - 22:34

    Cracks and Cravices

    So - working with images should at the very least be a conceptually established ... :up term:. As of the example with the bi-directional tube, there is 'up' and 'down' alignment, or yes and no - sotospeak. How far you'd take this 'up' - thats not so much the thing. The thing is that this 'up' leads to a place where we then have images. So - not every image would fit somewhere, as of that images would come in neutral categories. A breaking point occurs once one of those categories is too inspecific to someone; And those aren't timeless events but we stumble upon them every now and again. Some part of this comes with age - where we may want to rediscover things that we thus far have missed out on. But these terms are in comparison - in this sense - ... well, the individual has an idea of them that is beyond the 'generalized/neutral' spectrum. So - thats an emotional thing by the way. Or - passion? Well, it isn't so that if we know more, a generalized term necessarily will be "pried open" by us. I mean - at some point I find the standard model of particle physics a bit ... "willy nilly" - changing symbols might for instance be a good idea. But where that now is, in physics, is to me relatively ... uninteresting. Though I would expect it to be rather simple to find - it should be there in the middle somewhere.
    Particles -> Standard Model. There you go!
    Maybe I don't know enough, but neither do I care to. And this 'care' were then - we could use up and downs to "map" that, but these wouldn't be constant - but, rather just images of individual behaviour. And there you go. Constructing a Human-esque A.I. - might involve having some algorithm to arbitrarily select compounds of interest - based on more and more 'established' ones.
    Anyway ... back to images, what they can do and what they can say.


    Sometimes I get to those things where I find to attach something, but don't wanna follow it up. That is - in another sense - I guess a part of ... basically missing the point. So, browsing porn can be like Sex, consciously, I mean ... in that Sex isn't always just a 'one-stance' thing, and a lot of porn means a lot of detail, so, certain conscious motions can be realized in imagery - and thus we get to a process similar to that of bold imagination. That would be the primary source - and practically what we first of all may have to call 'the unmanifestable'. Or, holding an image to it were too soon. So we also get to arbitrary "fluxes" - of our imagination, which then may also occur in images - but they don't really belong anywhere unless we wanna capture some. So - there however is a 'basic thing' - which is where my curiosity urges me to go. In mind - I guess I'd start needing some 3D modelling tool, where I'd add four folders, one representing one shackle respectively, and tie them together in a fifth - that being 'off' the body. Now are these shackle folders not supposed to contain anything - yet - what I get to is that I'd, in filesystem logic, first have to create the fifth for the other four to go into. So, bothering with the filesystem shouldn't be the answer. But - to my interest a totally cryptic solution wouldn't be nice either. For a variety of reasons - while - for the big and broad it doesn't really matter. The next thing were that if anything had to exist 'next' to this starting point, there'd be first a gallery of outfits. These would be part to some context - while at some point the center of all that could also just be considered an outfit. Or a series of them. Uhm, OK - more on that: After Unification - some time in - you'll feel like you're larger than you are. So, your 'body' becomes a smaller thing. You won't really notice anything anatomically there - but you'll feel it from time to time as a skin for instance. Which yea, sits on top of the body, we could say, and isn't any different in scale and size, but there is stuff between the two - and the body that surrounds that consciousness thereof is simply put 'larger'. What differentiates 'central' from "central" is effectively 'weight'. So - to not loose our heads, we so would add "Levels" to those bodies - to make some be automatically more central.
    Now, in all that there are a few things that are more fundamental - then. The Kelch for instance. And well, moving back to that - and getting there from this angle - plus regarding that we've been there before - it seems reasonable to stick to it - or, well, to "one up" it. It would make sense to just have it all in 'one thing' - depending on what 'it' is; And my vision isn't really ... I mean, well, anyhow. In this 100+20 gigabyte thing, there was a place for the Kelch, and tearing the old concept down doesn't really work for me either. So - I got this, and so I add into __[+].clarity/>>.Kelch, well, the "Kelch Alphabet". Hmm, this time _.COL.BACKGROUND, _.COL.[FRONT, IDENTITY and ALT], _.KEL.[FRAME, TEXTURE and DECO] and _.ROOT - to get started. Thats as straight as it gets; And I realize that my 18gig/__/Core fits right in there. I mean - the images I'd throw into that - are kindof fitting into my Core too. The thing is - a simple image of a small bedroom wouldn't do. So - if you remember what my Root was about, its similar to what goes into my Frame, but, it thereby also ties a knot to my/a gender-identity. Kindof. The stuff in my root wouldn't go that far - but still, once coming from there - ... well. Anyway - regarding the Front Column things are kindof similar. There already is raw/__/[+]."Raw" - though, I mean, there is a close link between _.COL.FRONT and raw/__. I mean, the 20gig partition is a bit like an extended Front with additive depth.
    The thing with the negative folders there is - well, already that, that you have one pool of selected images, from where two grand categories are excluded. Saying that - well - 'cock' to me worked for the most part, but if that image shows a woman dominating a man for instance - I wouldn't put it in there. That wouldn't get clear from looking into it - that'd be more like finding a needle in a haystack. So, I am/we are not really into 'exclusivity' here either. Exclude to Include. Well - I guess there are certain rules to understand these raw/[-] folders a bit better. It can't be anything about yourself - as, the remaining images would have to "tag" that somehow. But I guess that'd then be up to what images you got. So, eventually you'd pick your stuff from there anyhow. Well, a next thing is 'category'. The raw/[-] folders are established categories - next to an undefined core. Once you therefrom move on, you should get to the point where you end up having categories that you can't really "keep". As say, you only want 'one' folder, but you end up throwing stuff into it that would need its independent category. And, even if you managed to somehow advance properly, eventually you get to 'pockets' - as - you get to a 'too nested' collection.

    Chances are however, that what you want to start with should be last - but what you started with would yet be why you started in first place. This can now either be a thing you get to more often but just from specific angles, or just once, ... or its just general enough. Solving "these problems" via the Kelch however, takes us to what we got there. As I "ended" up with my Core, I realize that I now have a bit more control about it. For instance is there what in and of itself belongs into Root, and connecting that to the 18gig/__/core allows me to there have those _.files that describe whats in the room - plus a [+].door for instance - which is at first however only working in thought. Similarly is now _.COL.FRONT relating to raw/__/... while, put this way some things then had to leave raw/__. Although, now saying raw.<<.blonde_mature, as folder in _.COL.FRONT for instance, would open a second folder; Where I could pick, oh yea - this is I guess where the 'copy instead of move' rule applies, from there to there. A link like that would then relate to a 'specific' logical compound set up in the VR.
    Well - its got to be a bit more complicated than that.
    ...
    ..

    .


    ...

    Loops into Infinity

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.13 - 00:53

    Not a Neverending Story!

    I mean, yea, if you follow it up - we're actually done; And its not like it was actually that much of a big deal, kindof. Other question: Can I be arrogant and yet get blessed? Well - the answer would be: I have to be arrogant in order to be myself. Well, this arrogance however - its different; And that may be that type of 'best example' on ... well, quite a lot of stuff ... you might be interested in hearing more about. So - arrogance, whats bad about it? Arrogance, to my account of words, as about self-exaltation, basically, as - I mean, 'to disrespect' would be quite an understatement when looking at it from the angle ... there is some 'by default' 'lowering' going on; So, disrespect plus self-exaltation framed into a basically static worldview that defines its worth through those that share it. So, its worse than decadence in that decadence has something of a cherishable side somewhere in that it for instance sustains business and may out of some sadistic joy in humiliation even 'give' stuff to people that have none. Well, isn't that arrogant then? Well - in this established sense, arrogance were to burn the remaining food in front of the starving people. Well, depending on worldview I guess. If it were cherishable, the arrogance were in expecting some reward or fame from it - which ... well yea: "whatever for once" ... I mean, arrogance yields its worth from vanity - thats my point - in that the rules the arrogant individual implies as to how the world works or should work aren't respectful of reality. They might for instance 'create' a function - as: If you're that rich you get stuff cheaper - and so for them the world now 'works like that' - and there is kindof no reasoning with that!

    Arrogance, so the point, doesn't want to learn - unless its in line with the own interests. So - general "arrogance" "spoiler": "Isn't that what everyone does?". I mean, is it? We should wonder. And maybe at that instance also think further - and "grow a spine" ... sotospeak ... maybe.
    Anyway - thats arrogance. But once you got unified there is already "so much" that you 'have done' and absolutely significant term: 'established'. Lets take the image of someone who is as arrogant as it gets, following the worse of all worldviews that we can't even imagine. The next bit to the story were baptism. So, the bad way were to just get baptized with no interest to do it right. Thats arrogant, therefore, 'fail'. I mean - thats what it is! So, what to do, to do it right? Well, first you learn about what it is. Then you learn that God is real. So - that way you establish the value of Baptism to yourself - based on your own curiosity and effort to connect with God; And Gods response to that. So - for everything we may consider arrogance to be - that is what I would call a general step into the right direction nonetheless. One way of treating this arrogantly were to now look for something to learn, except that one right thing. Just so ... to proof a point or whatever.
    So, after you then even went and did it - well knowing what Baptism does, that God is real and that God pointed you to that one way (whatever it is for you) - then you did something 'good', measured by the higher standards, in 'for real'!!! Because you know it is real and you do it, you so 'did something real'!!!


    So we can move on to Unification. If you have been that arrogant, and yet somehow made it to "here" - well, I guess ... you could try to get Baptised just to then disproof Unification. But then you were arrogant - where, OK - if you Understand Baptism ... uhm, lets forget that. So, Unification - once we so go forward and assume that this arrogant person were to do Unification right, then it also understood Baptism right so that this person is 'legit' - we might say - and then I don't see why that person wouldn't get Unification right, and enter it.
    What you might now want to make look as though I put my justification behind a "paywall" is actually a misrepresentation of the facts. So - we can stop at Baptism, take the way to Unification hypothetically, and so we get one thing from arrogance at least: There is a way left, and a way right. If the person so - assuming he "would get Unified" - then stood there and said "nah" to itself and returned to being just as arrogant as before, for whatever reason, then it is back in "that kind" of arrogance.
    Arrogance in the Unified state is a lot more difficult because God is Everywhere - and that inside of you - so, ... I mean, in the beginning it might be shocking or scary or weird to see God popping up in all those places, but once you've gotten used to it - a.k.a.: accepted that thats just how it is - yea, you're - we might say - 'in for the ride'.
    So - what I'm trying to say there, is that within Unification a lot has changed about the individual - that there is some inherant 'rightness' with all the things that matter. So - if something is established fact, you go and deal with it. Or try to - if you can't avoid it. You can question it - I mean, this isn't about freedom of speech. Its about 'order of sanity'. You so try to keep the rules, pay other people respect, ... to draw some pictures. But important to note is that prior to Unification you sit in your own Boat - maybe a Box with cardboard wheels attached to it - to make it silly but accurate. I don't wanna say how God relates to that, God certainly however does something, but thereafter the idea that God is sitting in there is ... infinitely true - it ... just blows everything else you know out of proportion. To points you may not even imagine or believe exist. Some things you certainly 'can't' imagine. Thats what makes the ninefold universally stand out from the eightfold. "NUUU STUFFFF!".
    So, there is on that base however also a way of communicating with God that is - equally way up and beyond. However - I experienced or realized that God likes to 'whisper'. So - imagine a HUD (Heads up Display) as in a Video Game for instance. That'd be God 'yelling'. Constantly. So - Light equals Noise. Something = Something. As there is dim Light, there is dim Sound. So, at first I didn't get it, straight up, but just some time ago it came clear to me. I wrote about it at some point. This way God for instance doesn't interfere with other things that are established as Light. Or however that was. I mean - whatever the case, to this I finally had to mention that it 'maybe' is a skill that some will evolve inherantly further than others. As so I get to the point that I get sensitive to hints in a way that basically overrides reason. It seems like a bad thing to do - but - one thing within Unification is that we can inherantly drop those worries because - there is no place for them anyhow. I mean, in some way I'm just listening to a really close friend whom I do trust more than myself. This does however not prevent my from ignoring good advise - which comes down to how vague Gods hints sometimes are. But I know that - as for instance that I also have myself. This relationship is however so deep within me - that I basically don't know life without God, well, ... I mean to say: My every day routine ... or how shall I say ... well, yea, I am used to do what I do - and have God help me out with it. So - whatever it is that God had made me do - I usually experienced my life passing on my own choice, at least since I got unified/baptized. No, Unified for sure. The thing is - if I have a vague knowledge of something I can be pretty stupid or dull/blunt - annoyingly idiotic - but that makes me want to know things well enough. In the end - those however ... they don't matter as much as that the points where God interacts with me are conceiled behind my own cluelessness. In a way that the only way I can really go on is to ignore God, ignore everyone else, and have it my way. Well, you might call me a privileged child because thats what I am. Why that is - well - whatever. Who knows?!

    So - therefrom I grow an arrogance - though the worldview I have is in sync with God - and, you'll know it when you get there, but, I'll try to say this: The way God can just stomp right into your mind is astonishing! I guess the secret keyword here is 'scaling'. Or 'morphing'. I mean - one thing we need to establish is that we cannot have misfits in heaven. I mean, in this perfect paradise. Kindof? Well, no! The more you consider Gods ability to ... 'vibe' with us ... individually ... the further you can move away from this 'perfection' paradigm. But so the idea of what a misfit is just moves on to the next frontier - so - self control being an issue maybe. But so, if you have a good intent to begin with, all you need is the strength to incorporate it into your mind properly. So - a misfit were someone who didn't have that - and so, what strength is actually required? As much as to go to the Hospital after seeing a Doctor.
    So - I would for instance expect a whole lot of fluctuations in my good intent there, or the goodness of my worldview, if I consider the amount of mental stress due to worry and frequent depressions and what not shakens me thoroughly - for instance. Or some minor unclarities that exist as I make up my own ideology on the fly. But instead there just this ... well, I describe it now as it gets filled with Light. Previously I would have described it as entirely without it. As - something, I mean, a good comparison would be a 'dead angle' - or, "your mind" - its, just there, while all of a sudden parts become visible. But its just - "impaling" - but without the pale, crucifying without the nails, whipping and smacking without the ... pain ... and following this Light is what I do. Which is a part of where I'm a buddy of God. But more accurately I'm like a shy bird thats hiding behind "the Father"s legs - but ... well ... this relationship ... kindof shouldn't surprise you. I mean ... to get back to the arrogance, its one thing you might agree on, that it fits well to my "Evil Godess" outfit. That would exist in a situation of sexual vanities we might say; Where all arrogance is vain also once status quo is just nothing anyone has any choice about; So it only helps establishing the picture. In the beginning there is even no evil to it. Its as simple as, that once God acknowledges to You that I am Gods bride, then it is made official to you. If even so that I am made 'the' Queen, then I am 'the Queen' of 'Eternity' - while God is 'the King'. As that I should have a deep relationship to God; And making me Godlike in my behaviour as based on the premises or whatever that God so enjoys our independence - doesn't really seem like that far of a stretch. Where I express submission rather than dominance we also get into Male:Female terminology - though in other words: Its the way God fucks me and I like it!

    I'm into it - and while that basically extends me to other human beings - we must not forget that thats what I effectively still am! I may hide behind God - but there are those few 'promised entities' that I experience as my home - while, the experiences connected to that aren't really that ... heavily tied into my Kink. I mean - there's a place where peace is just peace. In a way - thats how I understand it - you could say that my social awkwardness or shyness is actually the symptom of some kind of blindness. Its not so much a blindness though - rather "big headedness". As - I look too much inside of my head and too little around me that I'm only really feeling comfortable in certain "sweet spots" sotosay, where my 'family' (higher) is certainly 'the' sweet spot number 1!
    And yea - sometimes God is just straight up provocative. And why not!? I mean - I once thought about myself and what I'm writing about myself and ... was thinking something at some point and God told me that I should tell that to you. And I wondered: 'How?' - I had no clue! But I knew that God would do that - that I had no clue and at some point would show me that its all dandy. And this is what I should have told you "then". But now I see that I couldn't have told you this - back then - and so this moment is actually a combo in that I get a one-up to my patience, essentially.
    "Back in the days" I would find myself arguing to God, not understanding my life, the world, everything, including the divine concept of ... what the f%$##########################!CK!!!. So I had to learn to let that be and what good comes thereof. Not that anyone told me - it was just that nothing else worked for me. God I guess crippled me so I wouldn't succeed - and so I stopped looking for my way ... or whatever. Its not an active story. Maybe I even got it slightly wrong. Perhaps I was pushed to argue those ways; And whatever - I don't care - it doesn't matter! I was wrong!

    This arrogance of mine so falls in line with my "blindness" - as in, I don't care about what I don't see; And where it actually influences anyone - it should only be because its part of an over-arching plot. I mean - thinking about lives is weird if you count in memory loss. What is real and what is not? If you lived life by life without ever knowing of your past, who are you then? The way I experience it - the first and closest answer is: You're always yourself. Whether you know your past or not. So you grow to have knowledge, so you then can make educated decisions from that knowledge. There is obviously a challenge - and Hell as there for those that fail on all sides of the fence, well, should't really be any of our concern. To ever change you maybe need triggers - but, so, I guess, our life is full of stuff; Full of motivation to think for yourself. And whatever the difficulties of that - so is there the extended answer. There the answer were that there is a phase of catching up to what you once were. If that was nothing worth mentioning - then you're basically 'new' to this all. And you can stomp right on! Congratulations! Anyway, Have Fun! Uhm - so, during this phase you're we could say 'more intelligent' than you otherwise were - which is because of the 'you are you' thing. How it works inherantly doesn't ultimately matters - for what matters actually is that you have control about it. And if I can't argue that to you then I'm sorry! I mean, there is no wrong in letting your 'thought' guide the way, its as legitimate as making it up to 'peace/life' or 'will'. There is will, thought and peace/life involved everywhere. That would also be the pickle - there are things that are and we have to get along with it. So - there is this boot-camp a.k.a. "Rise to the 13th" - which should provide you with the basics you'll need to Level up and 'git gud'. The good news is that what you're to be 'gitting gud' at is basically your own game, slightly adjusted by God to "make up for the mess you're existing in". I mean, knowing that the greatest whore in Heaven not actually that famous for being a whore, its certainly something you might wanna call a pickle. It would however look different if you gave everything a cartoony touch while giving everyone a cartoonie body following the same style, and having so hovering happy faces above each "plot" indicating who lives there accomodated by an 'avatar e-mote'. So - I'd have a huge and threatening fence around mine - and make a funny angry 'stay out' face - or something. Unless you wanna stumble upon witches and mountainous dragons and all sorts of creatures from all sorts of sources of inspiration. Not so much an evil 'empire' than just a plot. I mean, when put into a populated common reality - political interests would form and you'd - if you fixedly implied the term 'evil' into what I am - feel this being a bit off. But, if I ever had to live up to being a whore to everyone - boundaries have to shift every now and again. And so is this vastly a science of understanding where, when what - where the basic starting point is that where we leave all the fancy stuff away for the moment of truth/seriousity. I guess I will still have to always be a whore and a pet - but in essence there should also be that place where good or evil aren't really a thing ... its just like a perfect MMORPG happy place.
    But - me being a whore for everyone also comes along with penalties. Or, ... basically ... riches. Which would then be equivalent to the 'effective freedom' I get. I mean - thats how I understand 'reward'. Maybe the freedom is yet effectively similar - but there is a measurement of growth - uhm, anyhow. But that isn't really the thing. Its just ... a slightly more extensive strain on me - and ... woops, this just turns everything upside down it seems. But well - it isn't for one reason: See - whatever freedom or riches one has - the value of it still comes down to what that individual is capable of making of it. So - eventually someone gets bored of "everything" and starts looking for the 'few' that are sustainable/sustaining. And so - I get to the easiest answer to what makes me a whore up to this point: The things that inherantly sustain my life - those are things that make me a whore.
    As clearly - even if I would or could tear all of my clarity apart, there then were those conjunctures of my own - that I then were left with wondering about. I could then go and ignore them - but from having gotten there 'after' I have had them ignored already - thats just stuck in my head as a non-plausible way to go! And the only obstacles really are sociological ones. Like, that we don't live in 'the perfect "world"' - ... .

    But well, technically there are also these 'sweet spots' - which are places where I also get what I need to sustain my "big head" - so, thats a big one-up, that I'm allowed to be that way, basically, and getting treated that way does - as this is a somewhat primitive depiction of myself - also nourish my experience of intimacy and friendship. This to the point that I want to give back, but I can't!
    This is why I'm initially saddened, and that its OK however keeps that sadness alive. There then is a feeling of being not really human - while in the end it happens to be a grace to be capable of existing as pet! It does everything. It does give me a way of giving back; And that by playing along. As the inherant sadness cannot be removed, there is this whole depravity thing going on that I however accept as great - and basically "root" for it like a happy puppy frolicking on the juicy willow.
    Well - there was this thing one time, that I was led to believe that folks like me would get a third hole, between vagina and butt, or maybe "things like that", which kindof worked for me - and later I got to a point where I experienced it as odd and my prospects of the future too restraining for me to fully understand why I would enjoy that. Back then the answer to that has pretty much been: It'll just be - as confirmed whenever I had a chance to settle down (sleep) and think about it. Although every now and again I'm basically motivated by a conflicting boost in self-confidence. So - now you kindof get the idea of where that is coming from. And I guess the biggest deal about it all is to accept me as simple as I get.
    As ... where God is legitimately behind.
    And - I guess its better to see it that way: We are who or what we are - and in transition we may loose a few bits, but God ultimately caters to us in that there is as much legitimization to everything as possible. And that I rather stick my head into the sand as what I am, instead of eventually evolving to the point that I might 'give back' something - that is part of what big of a cunt I am, while, this 'giving back' is firstly just concerning those that 'give me' - directly - and so I have to also account for not taking myself away from them. And because this may end up hairy or complicated - there is Gods judgement to fall back on. So, Runes and Seals and all of that stuff - which is firstly as we have learned in our head - from where we apply it to society and from there on grow as (part of) that.
    So, what is this bigheadedness, actually? I mean - if you're getting an intellectual blast or vibe from me here/now - well, maybe. Maybe my head is just so full of stuff - that I have a lot of knowledge about certain things - being however "chill enough" to not really find anything I want to do - except for having Sex. Its my 'Zen' - in all this.

    As for the hate I'm attracting - God works in mysterious ways - and so I can be hated because its fun to hate me; And if it isn't fun anymore - the hate's gone too. So - a detached motivation - is kindof required - and since its supposed to be fun - there is that. And as this emotional abnormity works on this end of the lace, it also works on the other. As rejoycing about the own situation rather than what is being experienced ... kindof. Experience is relative. As you may have heard of 'selective perception' or whatever.

    Well yea, God can do that trick to you too!

    #outofdope (last hit)

    Oh my, ... so - there is a melody to 'Uni-fiction, with the, aaaaa-aaaa-aaaall' surrounding spiii-iiii-iiiii-iiiii---rit. Makes me joyful.
    And I guess because squeezing some more heavy duty out on last breath may be a bit odd - but, ... weed isn't my comfort! It just somehow makes me uncomfortable sometimes when I don't have it.


    So well, yea, screw people with their unfounded oppinion. If they wanna have it that way, then fine, what can I do? I don't care! Its not like I'm trying to sound specifically incomprehensive here!
    I'm using english, so there is no mistake about that, ... and all in all - I don't wanna be forever dragged down one road that is a safe to say 'dead end' for me - as for the question answering 'who is in the righter position' - God is! I'm done arguing against that - and if you can hoop over the odd appearances you can see all the good that Gods done to me! Yea! God Level Pixie!

    The Pixie is that scary bird turned around because 'duh' - I'm not that stupid ("sue me!") - so, she's a bit more naughty we might say, as to make up for that shy self. Thats, I don't need to pretend that although it is my nature that I don't understand whats going around me - at least to some intellectual degree. Which - that is that one bit about my arrogance - isn't really intellect if you rather see it as accumulated wisdom; Like - I do mistakes wherever I can and end up with the goodies that tell me why. And that ultimately - kindof - makes up my knowledge appearing smart.
    But maybe I don't wanna be a pixie anymore and am some blue gel humanoid-octopus hybrid. Or bird? Maybe I wanna be a Gumba. Or a very small ladie with a super large chinese cone hat that makes her appear like a goomba - but, bu-jaaaang, she can go super-saiyan and wield the coolest epic that exists in the universe as a toy, which is inherantly something that only one can have.
    Well - whatever I can be in Eternity is whatever I can be in Eternity - and I have it because it is stuff that nobody needs to have, and anyway, looks the best when made sexual! ^-


    Hmm, alright! I mean, right now I'm led to believe that my attitude regarding my game could be off because I would look at it from the effort it'd take me - in competition to something else - but not the peace I could have during that time. That might also be the edge of the conflict - while really, what opposes it isn't so much 'laziness' as it is 'pressure'. I mean - I do want to get drowned in my ... darkness ... as to then basically learn how to breathe underwater. And well, it has to start at some point, if ever to be real. That ... there doesn't seem to be much of a delay, ... that those wishes are immediately as sophisticated emerging within me - thats just, so, ... gn ... "goddamn" compelling!
    So I start to think, 'well, that -spending my time doing some stuff- thing is good', while wondering of some alternate reality where I "could" (or actually "had to") waive on it - and feeling that as ... incredibly more fascinating; Though I admit, there is not a lot of foresight - other than wishing the implication on it that all will/can be good. But then I don't really bother about the ending either, as, I'd expect it to be always the same as that is how I roll. And - there isn't a real but to that either! As for how I work, my arrogance kindof leads me to give a shit about what good may come from whatever I do. But here we're also kindof crossing boundaries. But I could live with the fact that this 'boost of motivation' that I get is reasonably just me, but yet only there to sotospeak 'bridge a lifetime/lifespan'. Which means - yea, its not in my hands.
    Though, were it - then, well, how should I decide? I did often think about finishing that game, or anything, really - from a lot of different angles/vantage points I guess; And the only feeling I ever got that resembled an end to it occured to my owm impression - as what it would basically 'mean' to me - what its implications were for my being. It'd be a straight cut through the whole of what I am - and remain to be an aching wound. So, I'd possibly get invested to it; Until other things just are being cut short - and it feels like I can't even be an advisory.

    In reality I'm legitimately praying for 'their' hate - or 'sadism' to be more specific - and I guess it'd be sortof a shame if my life wouldn't go that way. I mean - this isn't a praying like, gambling with wishes - its a wish based on what I am that basically has to be expressed; As some 'end condition' to finally label a relationship as 'sweet spot' or not. And that matches my initial narrative on my imaginative/fictional future pretty well, though I didn't really think that into the people involved. Rather than that I experienced Love for myself as I evolved towards what I wanted. So - thats what I expect nonetheless, just that once you tap on hatred as the primary motive, there is a more comprehensive idea that what I'd meet in the end. As, this is also how we get "off" of the party line, to rebrand it and say, well ... I'm an item, personal property of [...], legally a machine while sociologically an animal; And see me as a toy that has suffering and detrement as features on its advertisements, with the manual even specifically demanding it as kind of maintenance.
    As for my consciousness or conscious growth - well, what does that say? I guess I will get less big-headed over time for once. Therefore that whole bigheadedness would be used as 'software' to the whore I'll be. And so I'll kindof be something along the lines of a growing sexual desire - where at some point you may insert wishes into me - while I look you straight in the eye and the first thing you read is that I'm starting to adjust to them - and a way of knowing that I'm looking forward to delivering it to you. So - well, as/if it is important 'what' we have on mind - the question really boils down to: What does a mind need?
    Death is horrible for a lot of reasons - and that makes it the harder for me to say that I'd choose that way. And most of it really comes down to pain. If there's one thing I'd say I'm not, then thats 'physically masochistic' - while, I relativize in that I want physical pain, but not as first thing. So, there is this 'whatever causes them emotions' and then 'them emotions themselves' that has a certain intensity - as well, ecstasy overriding pain. Thats at least how it is sold to me. Clearly with pain I can't even conceive yet - but, implied to occur within a context thats fine. One ambition there would certainly be to stretch tolerances - which would kindof be, well, something more important about me - considering my position in the social spotlight. So, that means that this part is basically a dim theory, kindof, one I have no problem to accept; As so to answer that question: I wouldn't want to finish my game - or ever be asked to not be happy as an animal again! Ever! And yea - I do aspire to be like a machine. While - in fantasy we might take it that far, and well, that would certainly be a Kink - to be stuff between android and cyborg. "The one that is glitched into self-detrement". XP. I mean, thats how it goes. For wherever in I'm stuck again that might keep me nodding into the other direction; Its vanity - as there is generally just a steep slope leading down to where I end up being - and if it were a fight between the one and the other, a decision alone wouldn't mark it. Maybe. Maybe the only way to do it were to desire getting shunned for taking my maledom seriously. Ever. Its the better way! It just is!
    So yea - I'm happy to discover that I don't need to waste time on my male existence - and my inability to accomplish anything on my own - might really be something of a ... required and beloved flaw of mine.

    Uhm, vortices. If I did that 'crystal dome' transition to the vortex in my head - I do still get a lot of, ... well, what might come after the images burned in too deep. But so, I can't resist it - so, what I'd really need were motivation from my 'sweet spot' - as - I don't wanna 'give back' by just not caring enough about it! Or, I mean - its - I keep wanting it - and if this wanting could be debunked - I'd be stumped. Well, without it I kindof don't understand myself anymore. In that its more of a conclusion than a motivation. Or, - hmm, well - another way to say what I say is to say that if I had to make a decision based on which setting feels to be the best long-term way to start, then ... what I wish and hope for were what I'd want, naturally, uhm - I mean, I'd be in, basically unconditionally, while praying for (brutal) sadism. I mean, if there were a ranking to sadism, that dialed up to the maximum we got. The magic is there within the fun - because it won't be funny to hate me the wrong way. And hating me the right way is extremely sadistic. But at some point these are just words!
    And here the death wish initially worked for me to bring this to the point; While --- oooh yea, keyword "black lingerie".


    Back at the Kelch - I found that I really want to start a 'black lingerie' collection in that folder. It was one of those things I didn't know where to put, and may have ended up storing it in the 20/__ folder, But this place feels like a home for that. Now, with my death wish its similar. Observing this structure of blurred outlines - I want to really really have it in there - and really really close to the core - or however really really dominant. At some point in the past I preferred a 3x3 grid instead of the Kelch image; Which is kindof related to the Kelch however, yet I didn't really find an appropriate way to tie it in there. Wherever I would put it - I always felt like that what I did wouldn't cut it.
    To be really accurate on this - I should focus on first 'the thing itself' - figuring out what it is - as to from there find clues of where it might belong. What I need - it seems - is a 'body' - an identity - and this one that I introduced in the ALT/right column, the vapour, that would be the one to host it. In essence the image is one of a really depraved looking 'dressed for sex' mature brunette/blackhead lablled a mother, while eyes and mouth are just black holes - essentially. This is a really good foundation to add my death wish to - as emphasizing the elonguation of my torment along my entire lifespan - which would exclude lifespans where that wouldn't be in touch with the desired image, but still be my 'home' and therefore 'reality' -wherein- these other lifespans occur - (based on a willingness to get raped even further) - while setting my life up as squeezing in as much consecutive torment to make things worse as possible - to be then killed in a rutual of torment held to my divine honor. The mature persona is threby rather likely representative of the "climax" that such a life would end up 'looking alike' - as thereby also settling some vague scope of torment that I basically 'need'. Opposing that I have a younger persona that would resemble my personal 'favourite' therein - where a respectively dark future is part of the whole. There is a number I come up with as I try to scope out an average lifetime (6) - and one I get from scoping out my preferred age of getting 'prostituted' (16). which I guess does mostly matter as some measurement of how my volume is distributed. So, there's the most in a relatively young mindset; so that at some point my mature me will be as a child. I mean, more literally than intended (generally) I believe.
    And yea - as a, straight to the core commentary on that: We'll only get there if we start to (allow ourselves to) have fun. So - thats the easier way of putting it. But, just saying it so - may also lead into a couple of wrong directions. Anyhow - if all those that legitimately have me wanted to know were whether its the 'more' extreme that they think of I want or the less extreme, its obviously gonna be the more extreme - while of course within the right mindset, which, in the right mindset, is basically an obsolete statement to add. So - naturally, it sucks! But well, its not wrong!

    So yea - 'zip and done' - or, 'unboxing and have it your way'. So - I guess at some end its safe to say that all this leads to the case that if you wanna seek my hail - you need to seek it in my detrement, no matter how wrong that would seem!


    Well - this is at some point kindof stupid. I would want to show you my Kelch thing, or should, but at this point only words would do. I would first up be whatever they wanted me to be - so at least the physical reality of these things. Whats going on inside - all the gender back and forth - well, it kindof does come down to where the redhead first appears. The redhead at first is a male expression from my female self as alignment to my male extremes. So - its a hellish, sadistic, devious bitch we might say. But in its expression, it is the opposite thereof - or much so a victim to itself. Thereby there is some tension or boiling going on there - as the male things there aren't really happy about letting go. So, this build-up of male pressure, relative to forces that flow around in me, takes on a form as well - and, the emotions aren't really articulated well - its, basically a beast. A beast beyond my own proportions, so, an alignment to my established male self would name it 'hellfire stallion' at this point; Where its a horse because it has a horse-cock. Thats where my male "juice" is basically flowing into. Thereby I can now take a hold of it - for myself - which then determines it a 'feminized hellfire stallion' - and to my male shame and female pleasure - I love being a princess. As for the satanist reality - desired by the age she is fertile.
    Others take care of what comes before - and others maybe of what comes thereafter ... maybe.
    Well - I guess - its not weird for me that I also come to endorse the identity of being food/a meal.

    So that I look at fried turkey and think, well, "I'll be like that one day" and am totally looking forward to that.


    Well, what can I say. In the end all of this is childs-play. There are a few building blocks I can play around with - which in the sense resembles the language that I may use. But that has a unique starting point since at some point there is that instance that determines me as just and only capable of demanding to get raped. So - I have a box of blocks that are all kinds of rape; And while there somewhere is a citadell, other times there's just a dark room and a matrace. How the loving will turn out - that when we don't have fun - as, you sometimes just have a different kind of fun, if any at all (peace can also be good, but isn't necessarily fun!) - ... is that relevant? But what can I say? At some points there is that itch, that I may as well just lay there - as petrified - not even bothering to go to the toilet anymore - as a feature. And for the start, I guess I have adjust to what it means to regularly throw up from oral abuse. But, getting forced to it isn't really 'all' that I want. I mean, I'm also kindof a Slut/Bitch - though I'd prefer evolving my skillset through rape, ... of course.


    But this is enough - I guess!

    Happy Meal with McNuggets and Curry sauce

    by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2016.12.13 - 00:53