Detoxification Virtually

So - I basically got nothing left to do right now, but I'm still feeling like shit. Basically - I feel like almost no food one can buy out there is actually healthy (anymore) - and everything one could drink neither. Though I'm not particularly trying to get healthy stuff either. But thats just how shitty I feel. And I'm kindof helpless about it. I had the ambition to learn how to cook - but eventually ended up frying eggs, bacon and potatoes only anyway - and drinking coffee. That because when I was in a phase of doing some coding - that would be what eventually keep me on track - but its not like its some magical juice in that regard.


Here I mean to clean up my closet - effectively - as there are a couple of things that I basically just ignore. Like that I'm really not a fan of Sony when it gets to their software. Though - I feel much better about the PS4 OS now as back then. I mean - if it were possible now to install games on an external Hard-drive and take that to another PS4 and play those games from there - then it'd almost be as back in the days where consoles used to run on cartridges or CDs ... just better. But I'm happy as it is. I mean, I don't know if you can plug the drive into another PS4, but even if not, ... thats asking for too much in this age I guess.

But more effectively I feel like I have to wipe my YouTube likes and dislikes record somehow. I mean, I would come to mention YouTubers here and there but entirely disregard the warning lights going on in my head. I'd eventually yet just thumbs up their Videos, if I liked it, because I want to be neutral about it. But when I come to mention them, or think them "in" onto my side I get some ... warning. Imagine like a bar of 20 exclamation marks; And some would be closer to 20, ... and from the top of my head there are three that I have to highlight: Total Biscuit, Undoomed and Kyle Kulinsky/Secular Talk. TYT is a channel I would actually not bother to watch because something just seem terribly off about it. But eventually I yet get to watch the one or the other Video and the content is actually quite good. I mean, its nothing I could reasonably object to. Same goes for AtheneWins before he came up with that 'Science finds God?' video - but - despite the good content I just couldn't "do him the favours" of giving a shit about any of it.

On the other side - to highlight a few - thinking of potential Illuminati; I couldn't name any. But that rather because I feel like there are more than you might think. Ranging from young to old. Though - not Thunderf00t I think. But in regards to him there some other movie playing in my head - I mean, its an impression that might be total nonsense but it overrides my reason - at which point I'd think of the News speaker guy from the movie Network. As of that its either so, as of which he then has its own duty he eventually asked for (not knowing that what he did there would end up being referred to as a question, but that would then be his thing to tell) - or the task he received there would be mine - which I heavily doubt. I did get that from time to time that basically faceless figures would think something ... and initially I would take it as an idea I got to write about but from finding it kindof problematic to effectively write that stuff down, its either theirs or just thin air until it'll be someones.

But about that ... there is something I've got on my mind. It started a few days ago - and it wasn't the first time such a thing happened, but the last time has been quite a while ago. The thing is that I'm so trying to sleep - and all of a sudden I'd be dragged into some impression regarding some person regarding something - and that impression would be gone as quick as it came but alongside some strange rush would kindof go through my heart and basically tear my out of my slumbering state. The first of those rushes I did get recently was basically like some vacuum that made me feel utterly sad. Then one or two days later came another one - but instead of making me feel negative it made me feel positive. Being sortof the exact opposite to what came just prior. Now today - a few hours after I uploaded the recent article - there was just some barrage of rushes - all of them generally positive but yet - kindof not the right thing to get to sleep on. However - I wonder what these mean or come from. It might be people getting their testimonies - or getting baptized or getting unified. The second one seems to be the least likely. The first seems reasonable - where the one that made me sad might be a testimony given to someone who's been on the wrong side of things. Thus the sadness as the epiphany came and shook that person out of its wrongs. If it were a unification thing - I would have to see the negativity as someone who got denied.
And yea - I did mention once that the Antichristians wouldn't ever show themselves impressed or that any impression one could get from them is fake. Well, that oppinion also slightly changed - though - that just cause to me they really seem ... aggrovated right now. I mean, really really hard.

Something that does feel quite refreshing right now are for once those positive rushes, but also that I kindof have issues on my mind that I come to skip on as they also seem outdated already while ordinarily I would write about them and see it yet pending there for quite some time. Uhm, woops. I mean, its one issue - actually - I came to repeatedly write about but now don't feel like I have to anymore. Communication issues.
What took so long ... or the real truth behind the 'delay issue' ... is a matter of social attachments I guess. Obviously. So - I'm just some guy from somewhere with some stuff on his mind and of course people would be hung up in their environments and obviously would need some time - while they obviously wouldn't just go and detach themselves from everything easily.
And what I just don't know yet ... is something that'll obviously be told to me soon enough ... or it isn't all that relevant.

I think I cannot end this article without mentioning Alphaomegasin and writing a few words as to why. I mean, if I did take anything useful out of YouTube for myself personally - the credits would go to him. I stumbled upon him firstly back in the day where the XBone and PS4 got announced and he had a very bloomy way of expressing how he felt about that. But then something changed. Instead of bashing on against Microsoft he was like that the whole arguing back and forth has to stop. A part of me thought "laaame/booring", another part of me was like "sellout", but another part of me understood where he was coming from and it was almost like the entire internet watched that video - or it was just me just not bothering to participate into that anymore. To put it into perspective: He at that point was like some guy on the schoolyard who said something that stuck to me and from there on out I would look at him with some respect; And if I'd ever see him in trouble I'd step in to help him.
Prior to that and even up until now Microsoft was and is evil in my eyes - something that had and has to be opposed. But he's right! I just got to open the YouTube app on my PS4 today and ... well, let me do that right now. OK, thats ... different. Nothing particularly negative to point out. But every now and then its like every second video is like "why this game sucks", "before you buy", "angry review", "why zelda is the best game ever", "why the music in zelda is the best ever", "Atheist destroys Christian", "Neil DeGrasse Tyson dominates Creationists", ... and 9 times out of 10 those XXX destroys/dominates YYY videos suck! Like really! I don't get the claim! This whole "bash and pwn" culture however just makes me sick - and even when its about VideoGames I actually do enjoy I can't really enjoy any of it. Then I noticed: Hey, haven't heard anything from Alphaomegasin in a while. And yea, last upload was like 3 month ago. But he seems to be still alive though. But kindof depressed. Like a broken man. I don't want to speculate.

But YouTube really sucks hard! Its like, whatever Hip Hop video I start with, I always end up in some 50 cent loop - and since its gotten a second time to yet once more Candy Shop I have had enough of that crap! And somehow its also once gotten from Next Episode or something to ... whats that boygroups name? I don't know, ... or those lists ... 50+ tracks ... yea, 50+ tracks my ass - for once, but yea ... whatever. It possibly doesn't suck more than anything else in this world right now - and its so damn hard to find something, just anything, thats somehow positive.
Sometimes at least. I mean - Stephen Colbert, Jim Sterling, this and that random contribution from someone - Metatron, Shadiversity, Lindybeige, ... I mean, aside of Shads in deed barely bearable dialect; Its however ... eventually all seen at some point - and then there is just nothing. Sorry Skallagrim, Boogie, ..., also seem like good guys, but ... eventually its all just trivial - and then I get stuck on bad news and stupidity ... and real life doesn't proove to be any better. Eventually there is however in-deed a correlation between my mood and how much I care about my room - and a bit more daylight might help lift my mood too - ... but my body and mind react weird to healthy stuff too. Like, Multi-Vitamin or Orange Juice. Thats why I keep coming back to coffee and coke, lasagne and pizza, ... . I certainly 'feel' "the Light" somewhere - where I could do some coding. So yea, cleaning up my room, opening the window - aaand ... yet a bunch of this and that depressing/troubling issue on my mind. Then I only have to open my door and see the mess round about and my mood is hitting the ground again. I in deed am fucking lazy. Its a cycle of doom eventually - and I gladly grab any straw I can find - and so I take it that I don't have to clean up when I don't feel like it. Thats what I call ... 'living on the edge'.


Yet, first of all I do think I need a new Bong. Pro Tip: Acryl Bongs suck! Pro Tip 2: If you wanna be good at fighting games don't do drugs ... uhm, at least, no narcotics! But if you do take narcotics you don't care that much anyway.


But anyway. About the three I mentioned on top, there is no denying that did some good stuff. Like my friend Martin. Him I would also have to that list though - yet - also that this warning signal isn't a consistent thing. I don't know what it is. Its once I get into a stance of "open embrace" - where I were the gatekeeper of Zion sotospeak - so that I'd have to rather say: "Though shalt not pass!". I would regard their contributions as invaluable though. Which is maybe the problem. You won't get in on base of the things you did - but on the 'not so many exclamation marks' side I would find people that I feel are less keen on getting in - or ... would not as much expect to? [the Dragonborn Theme echoes through the atmosphere]. But whatever. Now its like this, then its like that. ... .


On another note - every now and then, once having finished a statement for instance, my mind is as flooded by spirits. Right now for instance there's Kyle Kulinsky as though he were now in my head - while the other most prominent figure would be Mr. Colbert. But the thing is different. Kyle is there when I think about what I want to write - I mean, I know it - but I'm trying to wrestle out some words and he's like ... as though he would be reading this and like "I get what you mean" - while Colbert is more like an actual audience - as smiling after I wrote something that may be funny - more like a friendly face while Kyles is ... I don't know. I kindof have to sidestep it ... but ... I also feel like ... he's a bit troubled. And sometimes I certainly did relate to those appearances when thinking of what I might have to write. Its like a mirror and I can't quite make out whether I'm seeing it to understand some of the troubles with my own perspective or whether its him trying to see things as I see them. The thing with TB is that I want him to speak positively/well about me - though so far that barely, if even so at all, influenced me while writing. But he seems similarly "troubled" or "troublesome" in that regard.
So to me these people are essentially wildcards - where at certain points I can flip things all the way I want and eventually just got to get moving on.

These are further the kind of impressions that I rather found confirmed throughout the years. Like, so I would think of George Lucas as someone who's quite troubled? Concerned? But still very confident. Like a rock! And he seems to have good humor!
As of late also the Amazing Atheist joined the frey - sotosay - but these appearances are more like "Whyyyyyyy" or "Nooooooo" - but actually rather "Please Don't (abandon us)!". How could I?


The weirdest person on my mind is however yet by far most certainly Amanda Tapping, as sometimes she seems overwhelmingly positive towards me, but other times so totally not. It gets me thinking about a theory I'm having, which is regarding Astair that it might be possible to take someone elses appearance; And I'm primarily stuck on that theory because of various things going on in me that don't only make me feel as though someone is sitting inside of me - like when watching the previously mentioned Fulun Gong video wanting to kick Chris Chappel out of the screen - but also sometimes I'm reacting to things that are nowhere near happening around me. And on that note I even feel like I'm doing almost everything for someone - like - thinking of how to react to certain arguments ... which is yea, kindof the funny part - when thinking about it from enough distance. Its not funny per se, but in all technicality can it not work out always because some reactions I provide would or should only work in context to the truth. But yea, in general its quite unfunny.
I mean obviously ... because technically that person would be me - I should be there as I were what people liked about that person.
So sometimes when it gets me I just go the other way and try to react as douchy as I possibly can. But obviously I eventually have to focus on something else and whatever damage that could have caused would certainly wear off at some point. And at those moments I sometimes feel like someone's penetrating my vagina - but not in a comfortable way. Its more like just an open hole - with something in it that I don't wanna have in there. And yea, I feel like I'm being mocked. Not even speaking of those figures that eventually appear behind me and practically wanna tell me that they're fucking me from behind. Maybe though thats just some chick getting off on being me or some dude getting off on a chick thinking pretending she's me. Whatever.

Yea, that basically makes me wanna ask a lot of deep existential questions about identity and being - and these impressions are the main source to my frequently emerging depression. Eventually I got to wonder ... could it be that 'everything' I do is actually mediated through them and I'm just here without anyone knowing? So I should stop writing, I should go out there and shouldn't ever think of getting back to any kind of work until I got 'there' where I had to be. But I'm sure that by the moment I even got close to there, they'd be moving on to somewhere else - or finding some way to skillfully go out of my way. I mean, its ... not the most promising of things I could do - as - I kindof don't think that I have the resources for anything even close to ... promising ... in regards of playing hide and seek there. Something kindof wants to convince me that its possibly doable - and perhaps that is them thinking as far as that already. And so ... what if I got there? The closer it got to a showdown, the further any one whitness would be away from the scene. Thats ... however the more reasonable conclusion to me.
My closest guess to even being able to track "him" were to assume that this connection would kindof lead me there - but so, there we can end this guessing as they'd simply have to lead me into a dead end.

And so there are other things that seem more reasonable - like what may be Thunderf00t or lets just say Nazar. Though, in regards to the latter, I can't help but relate to diss-tracks as dissing me. But while I'm not really getting negative vibes from Nazar, I most definitely did from Xavier Naidoo. Negative as in, slicing me apart with a Samurai Sword. Which leads me to some weird story. There's that Album - 'Telegramm fuer X' (Telegraph for X) - which was published short after my Love confession to L.Jo - uh, J.Lo. And what does it say? I don't know - I took it as a "we know you're there, hang in there" - but it gets kindof twisted when taking it as so that X is a metaphor for everyone - which wouldn't ultimately work if 'X' is generally a synonym for "that Hero to come", while else he either has had ill intent from the start or got set up to do it by "the real" "X" - but whatever. One thing that has certainly been worth all the time are all those experiences I couldn't have made any other way.

I mean ... its a difference as that between hitting the ground and floating on a cloud. But yea, either way, thinking too much about it makes no sense!

The weirdest thing about that and Robbie Williams' album though was how quick they got released. And the Robbie Williams album (Intensive Care) would imply that she also cracked my glyphs during that time. That didn't seem unreasonable though, as she would "only" have to have some basic understanding of hebrew and greek writing. Alternatively though 'Delusional Love 1' could have brought them there - as - after I had created them I was proud enough to send her the key. That was quite some time before I even thought of J.Lo. I mean, the symbol on the cover of the Album would in those Glyphs say 'RW' or 'WR' - kindof ... too much of a co-incident - right?
But then, though I almost dare not ask, how stupid can people be?


Hmm ... this wasn't the best context to throw this into ... .

And it doesn't make it easier when I for instance want to continue playing a game and don't know whether I just remember incorrectly or something in-deed changed. And that nobody actually watches any of my YouTube videos ... but yet am getting these impressi... well ... there I have it?


Another thing that bothers me is that even if everyone on this planet knew about me, (by the way, ... that idea doesn't seem too far off to me either), I wouldn't know what anyone should do.



Pink on black is now a genral code for: Sexual stuff

I am in deed a real-life sexual maniac. (I kindof feel like I'm high ... but I didn't smoke any weed (just yet). I just got a little). This, as I have mentioned before, goes as far as that it gets me every now and then ... well ... maybe a bit too far. Its like there is no limit - to the point that I'd happily give up all and everything for it. Which is usually far enough for me to later realize, yea, that is maybe a bit too far. But as of recent it got more serious - as that I effectively cannot stimulate myself as I would want - which gets me crazy - and the only thing that would help were a cock in my vagina. And jacking off doesn't relief all of it. And ... I think I'm really into black cocks!
And as also kindof mentioned before do I have something as a dent in my mind - that this sexual craving 'sucks' on as wanting to tear it all down.

Recently it did however seem like it kindof went away ... as though the Antichristians had anything to do with it ... so, their repentence. But then it came back harder than before, its become more physical - and now - the sole presence of weed nearby gives me that tickeling sensation of being high - seemingly driving my mind "back into depravity" and therefore this writing into this direction now.
I have to confess though: I don't like Reggae! ... oh no! I Love it! But only sometimes.

And that basically wraps it up for now ...




Flooting away

2017.03.25|01:18