Me stubborn selfie
So - after reading the past, now there is the present; And potentially a few questions or commentaries about how or why - which are both
totally different things as they get flushed ashore to my attention. There is the 'how' do you know? And the 'why' don't you do any better?
I could arguably do better if I did my work any better - provided that it were the work I'd have to do. So, solving 'the puzzle' and making
a whole lot of work that has been done centuries ago worth that time. So instead of writing from my mind I should write from those books.
OK - fair enough. There is however a ton of work left in-deed, but ... there is also a lot wrong with asking me those kind of questions; Or
even worse: Asking them as general into a crowd that doesn't contain me!
The two questions do however have a thing in common, which is that they're both asking for how I spend my time - practically - and how or
why the things I come to do happen to be done. So its about why I'm doing what I'm doing - or how - but I feel like I have to reach further
back in time and further outward to more distant ideas to wrap that all up.
Firstly though I have a stance like "you don't get to lecture me on anything" - and whether I am that guy mentioned in those Bible passages
or not - Jacob/Israel - one of that guys traits is that he is stubborn; And God factually praised it as both, good and bad. So, its like a
blessing and curse. I know that I can be stubborn - and a good thing about it to me were that once I've made my mind up on a thing I don't
really let it go anymore. Which can be bad if I made my mind up wrongly. And in a sense - this stubborness is active and has me do the things
I got to do in a way of doing it my way - and that to a point of specifically not doing it in any way you would suggest.
You on the other hand could 'react back' and say, well, that you won't give me any access to any of the information I want - given that I
meant it when I said that you don't get to lecture me on anything. By that you however cockblock me from doing it at all - which would make
me respond somehow like: Well, so you're not getting anything at all! I'd be looking for something else to do - and you'd be looking forward
to taking it away from me. I'd be responding with more and more rage and anger - and ultimately I'd need God to speak out for me. Am I the
one doing the wrong here?
How could I, once I'm purposefully not doing what you'd suggest? How could you suggest that you have anything to suggest to me at all?
We can so flip this around. If God had me do the things I'm supposed to you - what the fuck are you?
And while I don't have what I would need to do things in the way I'd want to - there 'is' 'no' 'argument'.
So, actually this is about two topics. Crystals/Myth of Agoraeyah and Sex. So, my programming 'habit' on the one, and the whole sexuality
'weirdness' on the other side. Both are things that I do every now and then like to come back to write about in a context as this. MoA for
instance to say that I said that I won't get to it until "something happened", ... and maybe I've gotten it wrong; While another fact that I
so didn't come to touch on a lot is that I really want to get it done. And maybe it is that - that I want to do it - that makes me angry
about whatever the heck is going on so that I've gotten things twisted. A tiny thing I overlooked; While now I would say that the "thing out
there" is more like that I shouldn't be thinking of MoA at all. I should possibly focus on Crystals - but on my schedule MoA does come first
anyway. ... Anyway. Whats the point?
Rather than saying that I'm stubborn, I came to rather say that I'm more like a carrier than a speed-boat, thinking of vehecles driving curves
on the water. I take a wider arc - or take longer to break. Expanding that idea now, thinking of momentum, ... I do find myself in a given
flow however - and in that flow I find it hard to tell which is now my own will there. It was however a long time ago where I have been deeply
in Love with someone and was stubborn about it, relating to God. And in quite a lot of cases I was reminded of that - and learned to let go.
If theres something that really 'gets' me, then its the whole 'beimg impatient' thing. This right now for instance. To me it'd be something
I'd say ... well ... I shouldn't be the one telling you those things - some of you maybe thinking it for narcissism or something alike. But
then - who would ever tell you these things? So I find myself writing them and though I'm inwardly rising up against it have to realize that
it has to be there; So I shouldn't be that upset. But this very same upsetness do I find shared by God in the Bible ... and then I can find that
I have no clue to think about all the things I'd have to think about to make some of the decisions I'd have to - like even just knowing the
things you needed to know. I mean, I can't hope to have the amount of foresight needed to match that of whatever makes me randomly figure and
find this and that. And there, without anything to want, there isn't much of stubborn behaviour; Now - until it gets to anything that triggers
it - like, in matters of positioning; Or general freedom for that matter. And once God supports our position we can get to a certain kind of
pride - and so I get into my "Sex Talk" without really getting into it at all - saying, there's that thing called 'Spine' - which functions as
a spine does; So, as essential counter "force"(/structure) to gravity regarding everything above our hips. In other words though my spine pretty
much functions as an anti bullying thing - it sortof triggers me to respond against being "shoved around"; In regards to what we may say is an
irrational thing. Irrational to the point that this 'pride' is as close as I got to describing it. It doesn't come along through words - so there
may be a 'word' - but no easy way to translate it. The next closest thing so would be what I labelled my Spine "as" - which is 'royalty'. Though
however not an actively authoritarian one - but a 'leave me in peace' kind of "let me do what I want" type of thing. Which again has to be seen
as relative to my being. I'm not a hyper-active person that always wants or has something new on mind - I'm more of a hyper-active person that
drifts between a variety of things. So were my authority more upon my habits than having people to govern. The 'selfish' bit is what makes it
irrational - sortof - as this is simply a form to 'translate' my 'God given pride' to a degree of comprehensiveness.
Speaking of tolerance do I have a tolerance. The selfish bit is irrational as that there is no safe measuring device to tell where my limits would
be. It happened - eventually - that someone stressed things a bit too far; And aside of a bunch of yelling the end of the story was that I left.
Maybe to him the story was different; May very well be the case - but my story goes on to say: While there was or is no knowledge about my 'God
given' pride - it nevertheless 'exists' - it is there - I'd bet even to the point that people could abuse it; As say - to fool you into becoming
a victim to it. Like, once layed out so that I look as the fool while encouraging you to harass my God given pride - you'll be on the loosing side
while you're not actually not even the real enemy. So, you're doing his work for him and he doesn't get dirty doing so. Remember: 'God given' pride
is here a term not for a random personal selfish thing per se, but an individuals position that God actively is backing up. And right now it would
seem does God play that game 'vs.' the German government; In a sense. I'm unemployed - I have obligations - I get money while they want me to find
a job - and I'm burned out and can't get myself to do anything at all! I can't even go see a doctor about it. I'm just wrecked - and I know that
this can't end well! Something has to happen at some point - sooner or later - though I also kindof know that it cannot end badly!
Myth of Agoraeyah is a Videogame I want to create - and to the point of its conception, you should probably think of it as a 'charge' inside of me.
Think of some spherical geometric structure to represent my 'self-contained' mind-set looping in on itself - and therein I have that 'vision' -
which is much more a certain knowledge ... well, "of probability" we might say. There are 'infusions' of images - while the first slide I did right
away 'draw out' (link) - that are coupled to a 'deeper' sense which is more like a condensed pool of
water within the whole structure. Like a core. This 'liquidity' is essentially 'unformulated idea' - while being a mix of images and 'how to'
understandings that align around a mystical 'sense' that in a sense replaces the missing parts. Every now and again new 'ideas' enter the mix,
thereby expanding on the missing bits and clarifying the image that I have - echoing an image within that reflects the expected "standard" if you
so will. Now is it so that I will need to finish a couple of projects before I can get there - and most of that is intended as used for other
projects that are more in line with what I'm doing here. So is there, to my opinion however, already a fundamental problem with those things
existing while I'm in this situation I'm in right now. And for the most part I couldn't tell you more about it, other than that I have a really
bad feeling.
There is an energy flow throughout my motivation that kindof encourages me to say that I have to or want to do these things before anything
would happen. So, lets call that 'Project A'. For that I was in a mood of reflecting on how wonderful it might be if I got those things done prior
to any kind of help coming my way - while I shouldn't worry of 'theft' since, that couldn't happen to me - I'd be walking through the fire unkindled.
Something would however happen to save me, and well - it does make sense. And so I do from time to time come to do something, ... but whether or
not thats going somewhere - well - is somewhat unclear. While all my activity however ends up 'improving' the 'back-bone' of code that I end up re-using
most of the time there is the 'yes' side, but for the rest ... .
I don't want to say anything because it will keep you waiting. So I see it. Once the conclusion is that I have nothing left to do but to wait - and
have a little bit of "I might work on that" in the mix - you might be getting the idea of waiting for that. But well. So, lets speak of that mythical
God and all those magical tricks He's got.
This mythical God has the power to warp reality. That is a statement that should pretty much be evitable. But we don't come to see a lot of it. That is
the other thing. Not as far as we can tell anyway. And for as far as we can tell there are the chain of events and consequential consequences that we
remember and think about - which somehow constitute this 'reality' that we so see as "unwarped"; Because all of the bad things still exist.
So we can establish a difference between 'God can' and 'God does'. Well, 'God did' ... as possibly during the 'Babel incident'. The ongoing story would
however be that nobody could tell - except a few that have been 'allowed' to witness or understand - and so the keys to victory must be found somewhere
'within' this "maze" of 'constant reality'. Whether the opening hours of your city-hall are some mythical divine convergences or just and simply a batch
of numbers slapped on by someone who thought of staff employment hours ... is totally up to you in that place.
Certain things however do not change or cannot be warped. Like what an Environment is, or what 1+1 is. 1+1=1x2=2x1. 1-1!=1/2!=2/1. And so there yet are
constants in our universe that 'could' be changed, like the gravitational constant. But they are there - and if they ever changed - they also changed in
our books and we wouldn't ever know it. We may know as we may understand that it is a possibility - but beyond that I understand that there is no reason
to really think about it too much.
So I come to however speak of 'real life circumstances'. Those are what we're talking about when talking about what I might do. Initially the story was
like this: While I was living at my grandpa's I was already extremely paranoid about my work. I didn't really feel a lot of support other than "let him
do his thing" (which is 'thanks') - which however only came from my gramps; And he would also utter concerns from time to time about what I'd intend to
do with my future. It however once dawned onto me that my work was pretty much unprotected - and from a broken seal on one of my paper-cases to a torn
up TV-Magazine in my room - I had enough to being effectively bothered by it. So I didn't feel safe in what were supposed "my own 4 walls" - and I had a
feeling that me doing what I was doing would be what my enemy wanted - as being dragged further and further into that kind of social dependency. It was
then that I somehow 'found a way out' - to my opinion at that time - which also is now going into the story of my time as 'escort'. To that I want to
leave it at one thing for now: Soon enough the word 'escort' wasn't one I liked to identify with/as - neither would I show that I'd want to be anything
'high class' there - and that to me now comes down to pretty much the same thing as my burn-out. Its ... society. It stresses me. Being 'out there'
rather than 'inside' - as to me those are two entirely different things. As - there is a lot of time and care that goes into an 'outside' focussed life.
So - al lot of 'cleanliness' comes from 'looking good to the outside' - while as an 'inside' focussed person I fathom that I have a much more diverse
usage of my 'space' than just 'decoration' and 'cleaning up'. Though ... I should clean up and get me a proper desk. I mean - I have one - I just haven't
erected it yet. And to a sense of irony most of the space I use is currently occupied; Which to me feels detremental in a 'not OK' way. But a bit of it
comes down to not having enough space in first place.
However - I found something like a family, people I felt comfortable around, a work that fascinated me, ... and a lot of time to work on things. At
least - every now and then. It really came to me just how important time is during that era. There were times where I had all the time I needed. Where
everything was perfectly tied. We had a business where people could rent our rooms on an hourly basis. So my work was to answer the phone, manage the
schedule and finally to tidy the rooms afterward. So, a little 'one man' business sotospeak. Perfectly ... sustainable. Kindof. Until that damn tax
increase. There-after money was missing left and right - depts started to pile up and none of us could hope to do enough to make it work even just
somehow. But the whole thing crumbled way earlier already. Getting dug up into my work eventually started to conflict with 'real life traffic'. At some
all time 'low' I also did get to an all time 'high' of ideal circumstances - and the first thing that really 'hit' me was the 'closing at 0, opening at
9' thing, to say, if I was up until 7, the next day would pretty much be ... a bit of a struggle. Another thing present throughout was that of getting
torn out of my immersion. So, eventually chunks of 2 hours of peace were interrupted by not always expected things - while ultimately I grew distant from
trying to do any work since I could tell that I wouldn't have the time. That so as at some point '2 hours of work' meant as much as '2 hours of 'digging'
until I 'got back' into that state of immersion' - while getting interrupted at just that moment makes and of the work done 'futile' - because by the
time I'm back I did also loose depth regarding the thing I was busy at - and thus the image of how I'd connect the dots was shattered as well.
Saying, there was something of a '2 hours window' to do stuff in - corresponding to Levels of depth I could cover to some extent - coupled to an extent
of mental adjustment to keep the important bits on mind; Which was the first thing I had to sacrifice in order to actually do the other work I was supposed
to do. Not that I could really give it up, but so, there were conflicts - and possibly a part of it due to me seeing things simply put from an inherantly
different and 'pardon me' selfish perspective.
So did 'that' not work out - which has pretty much been the 'second' "ideal" situation to be in, for me to actually get anything done. Nowadays I'm still
in a 'third' "ideal" situation - as effectively I don't have to be anywhere most of the time - except for once a week. The whole premise of that is however
that I make space for a full-time job as the measurement previous to that has also been about getting used to that - and while I kept telling me that I can
do it - I eventually had to find that I couldn't. The pressure is just too much for me - as I don't have anything I like to do that I can do in the amount
of time I had left that would justify the trouble. So I can already see the impact of what 'once per week' means; Being for once that my entire being is
sortof 'tense' and "layed out" around that one day - and I do find that on that I day I don't have time for anything because I'm supposed to use it for
important stuff. My own judgement that is. Then, the next day till friday I don't find myself having any time while I find myself sortof dilly-dallying
until week-end, which usually has me in a charge of getting mentally prepared for the next week - and more than anything that tension has me anxious and
doesn't make me actually do any of the things I want to do; As even making the laundry is usually a last moment thing I barely even get done. Then when I
find myself 'set-up' to do any coding I find myself 'conflicted' with wanting to do 'so many' other things too. Though I have more than 6 days of time,
I don't feel a lot of it. That is now just an observation. And its ironic as it would seem to be what I would want - or need - but the pressure I'm feeling
is also there, nonetheless. And obviously. There were no point in being there once a week, if not taking into consideration what I'm there for ... to find
employment. And what ideas I have and when isn't a matter of my own choosing - so - it is God 'making it so' - where your question should be 'why'. Why
would God do that to me instead of giving me some 'pow'?
There is a clue though to tell you when to expect Crystals - the operating system and whatever has to be there prior to that - and the answer is: Once I will
have enough 'leverage' to say how things are going to be. You might ask: "But aren't you the sole creator and thus having full leverage already?" - and the
point is - not entirely. Imagine a warning I would put into place to say that a certain exploit has been used that shouldn't be used; So, as of a safely
designed system that yet 'offers' enough utility and comfort to the user to be 'awesome' - there will be those 'public back doors' that shouldn't be used; Or
possibly 'overrides' as you were allowed to alter every line of code easily; And someone would come up with software that everyone must have, maybe even a
major AAA title, that would require this "hack" - that millions would then come to use despite all safe warnings and back we are in ... dirty waters.
So, there will be a certain 'code of conduct' - a few 'habits' one has to acquire in order to be familiar with any program. And that ultimately would also
be the bane of Linux, as, once it got too large and the general habit was more one of downloading than creating, the 'main platform' ... I mean, Ubuntu
Forums are a pain to look at. Almost every problem is there solved by some 'apt-get' it seems - ... uhm, but I'm basically yet some major greenhorn myself
I guess. Think of the 'Documents' folder of the main Desktop you're using. What is it there for? 'Properly' used it would contain all of your Documents -
as of which there 'should be' a habit of never entering any places other than 'those'. If you played any games there should be a folder like that just
for that. So there are things that are 'to be used as intended' ... 'for reasons'. "Except you know what you are doing". Which means - if you understand
'what could go wrong' and 'why' - then ... you know what you are doing.
As far as I can tell - another thing I'd need were support. Or, that is actually what it'll all be about. Be it Apple, Microsoft, Google, the Linux
community - partially or as a whole; To have something that is right away in the right hands - as to have a more commonly accepted definition or understanding
about what 'the right hands' are - that is good enough already. The place of crystals were, that within this 'safe haven' then of course the mutual agenda to
drive things to a positive result can flow more efficiently - and so the vision of a new Operating System could be born. Now is that however one topic charged
with controversy. Speaking of 'Genisys' (Terminator) for instance. And so, well, ever since the 'the Matrix Door' thing happened - I was for a while busy and
until now never quite concluded some ideas of a 'Enlightened Utopia' sotospeak. The reason I couldn't get into it prior to that was, that there was nothing to
filter out who 'that one' 'key individual' might be. So, as software within a networking society grants a lot of power - and not only so on the open internet
as in forums - or what about your smart TVs. Your smart TV wouldn't be capable of spying on you if it didn't have the hardware to do so. Some say its for the
convenience - but at some point networking does then not happen without any software behind it; Though, things have gotten so small these days - and the whole
idea of 'spying hardware' is that it doesn't run on the 'conventional' interfaces. So, it begins there - on the Level of Hardware - where we don't want to
give control to corporate pressure on any kind of 'delegitimizing power/government ... control'. But that doesn't excuse us from inventing software however.
The point is that once everything you use is 'connected' - in a pretty much consumer "driven" environment that [...] - well ... . The big smoke these days is
about privacy; And as we weigh comfort vs. being scared - we would ultimately choose comfort, saying "I got nothing to hide" though, you do change when
feeling spied on. So you might grow to it - saying, well, its possibly for the best. But so you'd only drag those guys or girls home to you that you feel
comfortable with in front of your NSA friends!
But privacy isn't the only thing. If you understand that someone might at one point just by the push of a button ... OK, lets ... take this slowly.
There is a thing I learned about World War 2 that I couldn't believe at first because it sounded too ... too cliche. Too sci-fi. Too ... ridicolously crazy
... to be a real thing. Its I guess called 'the north-atlantic wall'. The thing that Hitler built a wall from france to sweden (that countryside up there) -
while pretty much preparing for a land-war against Russia. The whole 'problem' of the Allied invasion was that of overcoming that wall - where the craziness
unfolds when you start thinking: What if that had failed? It would have been all about that wall. Just as the rise of Hitler was also just about one thing.
As we have it now, people yelling racist ideas in the crowd, some maniac showing up that has a lot of crazy talk like that and talks to the working people
while living himself in a luxurious castle - so then the people start taking away the control of those that they feel are doing wrong, give it to the maniac
and ... we eventually don't realize how screwed we are until its too late. As we figured out in hindsight was there more to Hitler than just being crazy.
There was the whole Propaganda thing - a perfectly orchestrated take-over into ambitions of mass military expansion - where legends have it that Hitler was
actually searching for some mysterious Artifact or Artifacts. And all the safeties our ancestors have put in place to prevent those things from happening -
well - they pretty much mean nothing if the majority chooses to ignore them.
The idea then pretty much boils down to: 'If you don't know anything about it ...' - saying, ... I as an individual am now bothered about this 'Genisys'
scenario - and while I don't see anything saying that its thin air but more and more pointing towards it being a fact; ... ... I also realize that I don't
have any access to it. What I mean by that is in first place just the simple impression - though in further detail it can be described as so: My spirit
"vibrates" as to search for a function that would allow it to 'do something'. Like, most people would use 'google' as excuse right now eventually. So,
it is in deed that 'Google muscle' that I'm trying to access there, but I pretty well know what Google does and doesn't allow or even give me. The way the
internet works in this regard, to my understanding, is that the larger you are as an entity, the more difficult it will be for "them" to get rid of you,
if you aren't one of them to begin with. Its a bit of a balance thing. Those that control the gates control everything. So, sooner or later they might take
control and most of what you'd know would be presented by them. Which is the same thing I have on mind - but the 'sphere' wherein this control is executed
'has to be' the one the product is made for - sotospeak. So, instead of getting fed information it means to 'say' what information you want to be fed with;
And before you should be taken seriously there, well, you should understand well enough what you're talking about. So yea, "parental control" locking we
might say. But more than that - its about 'social accessibility'. I guess I might get to some social recognition once enough people are on my side and
there were some actual pressure to disarm my position - but thats not how its supposed to be. There is to be some 'place' to start looking - though instead
of there being a place I have 'options'; Which all do look pretty much the same. One is shadier than the other, but thats in about it.
If there turned out to be nothing that were in our favour - well - then what would you, in first place, suggest me to do? Provided that you read this and
the world is yet an open place, ... well, it depended on who you are. But, that aside ... it'd be something we should know. But then, who is 'us'? I would
like to think that we're all in this together - but yea.
Support is another thing. If I want to sustain any kind of product I'll need someone to help me correspond to any type of interest - so we're back at the
'who runs the community' bit, uh, saying - phew, well, ... that much for 'real life circumstances' . "part 1".
At this point you wouldn't have a real reason to use and support Crystals because other Operating Systems would already seamlessly fit into your every day
life. In principle we all however would only need to change one habit. That once buying a computer we install Crystals ... where the amount of people that
would do so were the group that'd be using it. And between what I think I can deliver and what I need a community to contribute there would be things such
as support for major file-types, like odt, pdf or doc. On the other side would there be new file-types - which is where Project A came into play which would
by then have helped establishing them. But in the end that would be a matter of usage. So to say that from Project A comes Project B - and that is what you
would or should want at first - at any rate - and the idea is that if it blew off the wrong way ... not good!
So is there, I feel, a stance of waiting for 'my product' with some 'critical ambitions' - which of course were about comparing the norms that I proposed to
other, possibly better established norms of which some might even suffice to ridicule mine or appearances thereof. Or otherwise it'd be taken from me through
community pressure. So, a lot of attention from a lot of people that ignore what most people shouldn't know about ... and if I wouldn't play along I'd be the
prick. And so I have an inherant obligation to not play into that - and so everything ... to update my perspective ... revolves around Project B. So, what of
Project A then? Project A were a pretty fundamental piece of Tech ... while at this point I really don't like to speculate too much.
There are certain end goals that I would like to accomplish - but I think the proper words to put it into perspective are something round about success or
victory. To say: I'll do [something] that will be considered a [success] thus becoming my [victory] - sotospeak. What I'm worried about is that this is being
abused - like, ... to define what these conditions 'have to be' as to prevent me from winning how I'm supposed to by claiming that that is (because they want
it so) therefore 'how' I'm supposed to win.
The gist though rather were a matter of 'misconducting my intent' - as in a sense of 'using one thing in the interest of another'. So, by 'winning this' I may
also win 'that' - at least were so my intention. But by now staging my victory onto a staged stage - with my intended victory being entirely out of context -
there is no victory at all. And then it is so that the legitimacy of my existence as carried by a society is a derivative of my adjustment to that society;
Saying that while I right now am thereby bound to legal obligations that I experience as futile, nonsensical and pointless - so however in my given case -
there is no other but wrong ways that I might go. Whatever it were that I had to give you were either a will or an illusion, or something along those lines;
As that were also what you would want out of anything you might want from me. Both are things you can make for yourself. So, thats the end of that right
there.
The difference between and my enemy - that comparison gets to an interesting figure at this point. I would think of a solution to something I need to have
built - so, a data-storage scheme for my maps for instance - which I would approach the way it'd make sense to me. The enemy would then go and have a look
at it, analyzing its capabilities, categorizing its features; And thus having a 'typo-logical' understanding of my work that he then can go and make use of
in any of the things he has control upon. So, while there are no wheels spinning in my favour that would give me any friction prior to 'them' - I might as
well sign a contract to work for them indefinitely. Which right now I'm effectively doing 'unpaid' - on some 'pseudo voluntary' base.
I do however find it awkward to end a writing like this without mentioning what I'll be up to.
And so I once was all like "Z-Quest" - which lasted for a day or so. Now I'm still loaded with motivation to do some programming, which is usually interfered
with "I also wanna write about this" and actually playing some games. I now would say something similar, which is: Nonsense. I'll try not to do the things
that I understand I shouldn't do just yet - which might as well include anything that might be of any value at some point whatsoever for any kind of reason;
So - whats left is self-indulgance and vanity.
And quite a lot of good and interesting stuff has come that way. As also finally a 'victory' can be derived thereof. Regarding my Kinks - you should imagine
floating in some orbit around earth. As you look down you see the planet and as you look up/forward you see the horizon. This is pretty much how I feel about
my composition: Once I'm looking down I'm all 'in it' - there are absolutes and infinites that may even contradict - but once I'm looking up I can tell that
that isn't all there is. That it 'cannot' be all there is. 'That' 'can' however influence or interfere with 'that Light' - but also only unto a certain degree;
As a transition rather than its own thing.
In that Light I find an influence that just as the other, lets call it the dark, grows along with me. While the dark is however omnipresent as flowing from an
infinite fountain, this Light is as a contradicting crack that I can't positively shake from myself though contradicting to parts of myself. Well - there I get
to something that feels ... not right. About me. Like a sore end. The thing is: The contradiction would presumably not given if there weren't a concrete thing
that'd take shape against it. What would ultimately take shape there is what I would call an 'ultimate consumption by darkness' thing - which in a sense requires
me to further find detremental opposites to whatever I might enjoy that isn't 'dark'/detremental.
So, I now find - while earlier it puzzled me - that my pregnancy Kink would at some point do against any kind of creative ambitions I have. The experience has me
react in a way that makes me put my creative energy into creating a mindset that is opposed to whatever it likes to be in; At which point I'm vastly passive to
a general expectation of getting sexually exploited. And I find myself in a swinging state - back and forth as on a sine-wave - moving from wanting the Light to
wanting the Dark, while at each climax somehow deeply rebuking the other.
Internally however there is once a strong echo, or a deep vacuum, that sustains the dark - as to call it a 'general line' that the sine wave swings around thats
consequencially headed for darkness. So to a sense that anything I evolve to through the light is ultimately bound to get abducted into the dark. And not even
the Book of Mormon, if we so will, mentions John without right away humiliating him; Though so in a very shallow sense - saying that he's not one of whom it is
said that they won't taste death. So, there is a bit of merit to the asumption that I'm bound to it strong enough so it has to become a part of any of my
appearances. By now I come to experience my 'cosmic past' as a series of male existences sprinkled throughout a dominantly female one, with each male 'identity'
that I did acquire being as a pickle - or so, something for me to grow a female ego in resonse to.
It is there due to this 'vacuum' - this omnipresent resonance to some Light - that I, kindof developped a cognitive structure of ego that can exist within it;
So that I would say, "over and over", that to me there is no Light and that so ultimately that what I am now is at some point victim to the same circumstances.
We could further add some drama to it - wondering if at some point this is about me finally cutting loose from my male self entirely.
The decision I feel yet closest to me does or 'did' move me closer and closer to that edge - while what I'm feeling now is more something like remorse; Or some
to my senses foolish looking entertainment for yet having any choices. I mean, I, to extend on that matter of fact part of me that is happening but usually not
speaking here, would like to see what I got coming my way as bad and to have some reason to choose differently - to then however be brought to the point where
I wouldn't; And this 'to then' is mostly circumstancial - as the expectable surge of gravity. And the 'cognitive structure of ego' I mean to have developped also
relates to that vacuum as though it were gravity. There is this 'surge of detrement' that strips everything else from me, establishing a sphere of reality wherein
I'm existing as constantly exposed to that - and of that I did develop a cognitive structure that adopted that as normality - and this structure furthermore has
an increasing influence on the rest of me.
To me it began as early as in my childhood, where I prior to having a sexual understanding had bondage kinks. As of this, there were no Project A - if we wanted to
draw it that way. That, to be honest to my feelings, were the version I'm excited about the most; As to say - that's what I would want my victory to be. Saying as
much as 'straight into darkness'. As of that the time I have now feels as much as the time I have left - and the stuff I'm effectively still eager to do are things
that other people are to figure out or just are getting lost within me. Agoraeyah being a thing that were lost and Crystals would come out eventually. And maybe
Agoraeyah will yet however come one day. And I'm feeling it more and more - the - 'last days' bit - looking forward to that one final ... 'cut' ... - and 'cut'.
Here I got an issue. I don't feel all that comfortable about a gender aligning operation, so I would say that all of this is only real 'if' there were magic in play.
It seems like - a thing - which is however echoed against by - well - being sortof 'commanded' to like it. And so far it however worked to keep me from mentioning
it - as to keep 'such things' from mattering in any way. And so I'm however kindof coming back to my stubborness.
So - firstly established is that there is a, we might say, 'plethora of things' that I got yet left to do. I say its a 'shit-ton' or whatever. Its a fucking lot.
I also am in the mood of doing these things and essentially do not have a reason to not pursue/doing them. That is 'the Light side' that I really do want to have
- built, done, ... ... "pride in" - that I there do hope will proove to be valid up - ... to - ... well, the point where I turn back into the dark. So, its like
... unless I give into one thing voluntarily and get it 'fixed' onto me in some way I will keep on bouncing back and forth. But why not both?
Well - I would say that because the one way is about mutilation and the other isn't. But I would also say that a lot of reluctance may be the result of having wrong
ideas. But ... well, there is that stuff I would yet want to do ... and now I feel closer to 'real' while I see for myself that that isn't really a thing given to
happen anymore. However is there also established, well, the idea of some 'victory' - and without any nitty gritty implications that for me is all about the Gospel.
If we wanted to get nitty and gritty - this 'raw' idea has to unfold in terms of its own inherant truth, uhm, to say: What the 'first people' do that come and
gather around me matters - but ... its effectively the 'whatever comes from it' bit. 'My' thing were to say that through Unification comes self-discovery comes
"that" - so we could come to say that 'that' is what the victory should look like in the ultimate sense. Without 'magic' though, most of my 'male' affairs were
females - while I would originally be male, so - we could conclude that that is more what a victory should look like - and it makes sense to say that the 'available
magic' is at a level that does not yet truely justify a '100% according to fetish' lifestyle. So there is that part of me thats comfortable in a male body - and
that is in the whole as legit as any other dark imagery. With enough magic a gender aligning operation would work though - and I mean, yet just 'cognitive magic'
a.k.a. "delusions" maybe. The point however carried to my mind is more and more that of 'snip and over' - 'never male again' - and still - I do have mixed feelings
regarding any "male experience" - that so even from my own points of wanting. One of the more essential experiences thereby is a joy of powerlessness - so, an
inherant peace to let go of any wanting - in terms to which the humiliation and punishment were a way to provoke a kind of wanting, where submissive obedience has
to express the general appreciation of that kind of exposure.
As I right now have come to a greater conscious embrace of this scenario - I have also come to a greater conscious embrace of a response. My state of relating to it
at this point is that my interest to give an answer does at first accumulate in favor of the 'pro kink' side; While especially taking the 'stubborness' thing as
anticipate foundation in a sense of: Letting go of it will lead to [that] - where however [that] is what I want; And if I wouldn't be getting it the whole stubborness
would kindof supposedly be there again. There is however a ... 'not getting anything at all' ... 'kink' - which is part of the whole, being able to exist as "such"
things. Where, its more like a - however I'm looking at it, there is always something like that. I also think that my burn-out is somehow related to having done something
that would now be a foundation of righteousness - so that the rest I took since then would kindof suggest to me that I'm done - at which point I finally have to see
it so, that well, right now I can't do anything, and what I do might as well work as being the last time in freedom - as male. Later I might exist in some freedom based
on some plot of capturing me, so - nothing new - ... - Whatever. This one seems necessary though - as to put that last bit of detrement into my being. A final - thomp -
and my damnation is perfect. So, however the mistress will decide - I'm off doing ... 'nonsense' now.
Nonsense
by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2017.03.09 | 18:34