More professional whining and stuff

In closure to the previous topic - I don't want to pretend I understand Economics enough to properly ... thing. I don't even know how to word that. I understand ... something ... well enough; And all I actually 'can' add in that regard is more of a childish perspective on the matter that I would throw in just to make sure that I basically won't come accross as overly uneducated. Well, I am ... practically ... in that regard ... overly uneducated - but anyhow.

As I understand it - the point is the following: Capitalism isn't 'just' bad. Though it damn sure isn't all good either!

Capitalism is by my narrative in first place similar to free speech in that regard. It 'enables' opportunity - including that of progress. But as words ... well ... does money also happen to be detremental when used ... lets just say: "By morons" - you get the idea. And yea - we all happen to be morons every now and then, that I'm quite sure of!

Capitalism also so happens to be about Captial - which is where we get into the smurky grey area. Capital as I understand it is about 'having' - not to be mixed up with Profit but Profit is certainly the thing you actually want to get out of it. So I'd say that Capitalism is about dealing with money instead of the product - so - instead of trading donkeys for vegetables - its about spending money and earning money - and what matters in the end is the amount of money you have left over for yourself. Though for the average person it comes down to working for a Capitalistic organization with little to no real contact to any of that Economic ... stuff.

The real bad thing about Capitalism is that as the dominant Economic force on this planet it basically forces every nation into it if it wants to benefit in any way from what is around its borders ... and the wealthy dictate the prices. So in a sense does Capitalism equate to a masturbation process of the mighty - and most wouldn't really like to see the climax. You know, the point where the bags are just, well, getting blown into orbit.
Though so the female version is like that big fat ugly nasty looking whore ... blown up like jupiter as you pump all the ressources up her holes, drilling even more of those to get stuff into her quicker ... and ... you might not wanna see that climax either.


Yea, did you see Akira?


Anyhow ... spinning Capitalism into a good direction is more Economy focussed. As, by ... the words. Economy is about the flow and balance of things ... as derived from greek meaning 'household management'. For that we don't necessarily need money; As we could demonstrate by using apples as metaphor. Instead of locking the flow of things up behind walls and walls of 'at first glance' meaningless numbers that go up and down seemingly arbitrarily - we would then "have to" deal with supply and demand more directly. And this would work pretty well on a 'locality centric' foundation. Where the apples are yielded they are the freshest. From there they go to wherever we want to have those apples. Some go to apple juice manufacturers - others go to the 'general stack' from where people that lived in the vicinity would 'demand' them and beyond that we get to a second grade of apple supply which essentially means 'export'. This is of course something that certain african countries would deem as an important thing. As, they are getting screwed over their bananas. On the other side of the coin are these goods now a localities 'capital'.
So we would come to 'Nodes' - or 'prime nodes' - regional capitals where we get to what I see as the first relevant stage for any good to arrive at in regards to global interest. A Node in that regard would be designed to be self-sustaining - and with 'trans nodal logistics' we thus got to luxury. This is at the base of it all something that I deem feasible - and we wouldn't even have to fully dedicate to that system to see whether its working or not.

Here the working class were the first to take their share - and because each good would be accounted for in a globally transparent way - so you could effectively trace the journey of a pear accross the globe - kindof - we could drastically minimize waste. Same would apply for electronics - since companies, so the ideal at last, wouldn't have to compete for customers and we could focus more on producing legitimate products meant to last updated on a frequency thats reasonable. Obviously there would be places with higher technological standards - as the node centers should be the first to get the newest stuff and on a minimalistic expectation the old tech would be handed "down" - so however speaking of stuff not made for the private individual.

In that regard - I suppose that things will change; Getting rid of the idea of the 'single person' - and speculatively that should also influence the ways we perceive and demand entertainment. But yea ... there pops up that kind of demand that this system doesn't provide an answer for. Which at first however only seems weird - while in reality we already cannot force the Videogame we're waiting on to be out 'already' - and speeding it up by money - is really more like buying an unfinished product and paying more than we ordinarily would for it. Yea ... that is, quite what we see today, don't we? Dear fellow gamers? DLC jokes anyone?

And as a matter of parental obligation I got to add: Think of whatever you want that you might think to need money for as of something like a handle to move into isolation. Like ... a PS4 for instance. You would need a system as is today to anonymously earn money and hide away in your shed to indulge. And now just play some happy song dubbing a video that shows you how beautiful life can be without videogames and you'd have yourself some pretty infomercial - and were the argument that thats 'regressive' a good one?


Well - I think of a technology supported, to not say 'driven', future. Management, Communications, ... Star Trek. I would say "embrace that which exists" - but - I'm sure we can turn that less into a demand, rhetorically, by pointing out that people 'would' get stuck on in about just everything - and be it some hack thats programming Space Invaders for a Calculator (Texas Instruments can do) ... or Doom for that matter; So its all about embracing each other - and the thing why calling that earlier thing 'regressive' is actually legit is because we just simply ignore a good portion of our modern society assuming that it would somehow fit into that narrative. Though we can but this by saying that we do not in truth know what will be - yea, thats ... then basically rebutting itself. So, for that matter.

For the goods - in my oppinion are Video Games the penultimate means of expanding an individuals horizon; And the direct benefit for human society is the philosophical growth. If that at some point comes to an end and we're just tired of it ... well ... it will come about naturally. But I also want to argue that life entails more than just the utterly pragmatic!

And why would there not be people who would actually want to be a part of an industry that produces entertaining hardware? And why would we not want to throw ressources at it? And why should nobody then want any of that hardware? So, Playstations for free?



Well yea, that in essence is what it comes down to if we fail to somehow fiddle money into this. And it goes on! We can even argue that money, in essence, is a measure of distrust. If we were all one large family we'd firstly supply each other with what we need - because - common sense. Its once we get into a state of confusion and illoyality that we fear we need compensation. Then we'll build up these pricing walls; Where - the withdrawal of money is a less effective punishment than the withdrawal of food! Its like ... it doesn't even matter.
So - for the educational values.



As for the motivation ... I ... had a friend who grew up in socialist germany (DDR) - and her narrative is pretty much unique to me in that I never heard it that way, though, I've heard this and that about the DDR and while the content of those stories vary the general bottom line yet is the same. Compared to what we had in the west, it was pretty depressing to live there! She so told me of how she experienced mails from our side of the wall - specifically mentioning the colorful makeup of Caprisun - compared to the repetitive greys of what they had over there. So, its a pretty superficial take on the issue - but if the sole motivation to keep a country running is to not get thrown into prison ... well, ... you ... might wanna fundamentally question life and hate it for all that its worth.

Money damn sure can be a motivator tho. But when that motivation turns into despair - and all you see is the $$$ signs - you might loose sight on what truely matters in life. Yea, because all you want and need is money - no matter where its coming from.

"But it encourages competition and competition is good!" - and so, we can also go on there and say: "If we're gonna be all so godlikely good, can't we also make it work 'with' money?". Anyhow ... thats possibly something that our children or grandchildren will have to answer - as - ... well, this doesn't feel good or right - as, giving without compensation - at least if you have stuff to spare - feels better, or, more 'free' than always attaching a price to something. So we can go on there and say that adding a price tag to something is actually equal to saying that you don't want to work, period! How that? Well, its of course not the same thing. But so you don't want to work for free - ignoring those that only want money to eventually have more of it than others - which is ... communist? In my eyes it only becomes communist if that 'equal income' thing is a money thing. Money 'disempowers' people in that they're stuck with it - but ... here's where my arguments get a bit flimsy ... so ... mostly rhetorical nonsense.


So, lets talk about sweets. So, imagine you have your tablett and you think of the stuff you want next week and basically spam the chocolate button for all you got. Thats an OK idea, making us wonder: Spamming that button doesn't warp chocolate out of thin air tho. Money would nicely obscure that fact however - and aggressive capitalism would seek for a way to somehow get it done. If it were fair ... so a reasonable argument ... it should also work without the cash symbol.
In defense of achievements despite a lack of competition I would forward the terms of passion. A way to make money work in this were to think of a point system. By spamming plus on anything you express demand that can only be met in relation to the available supply. And when it gets to competition I'm more convinced of a human beings 'inherant' qualities of progress than those of warfare. The worse that could happen - I believe - is that we eventually grow stagnant, ... and thus would inherantly seek for novelty ... but in that regard we're also thinking of ourselves in a not so wonderful light. I mean, ultimately there so happens to be 'vanity' - and saying that life is vain ... thats what it were if we lived in abundance - as - Videogames provide us with evidence for. Why buying virtual hats?


I personally would love to see this work without money. And yea - 'free will' is the key - as 'motivation' is all that the rise and fall of anything is about! Being a bit more harsh (yea, (cynically) thats really the hard core of harshness) I could add: "But if you really need the carrot on the string to get moving ...". Something closer to offensive: What else would motivate people to become famous - and whats worse than those?

I mean, I can look at rappers from two angles there. There's the "Bling Bling - I got it, you don't - you happy now?" perspective; More neutrally put into perspective by "See, I got them hoes, I'm feeling great" - and the "I really only do it for the money and willingly become a whore of the system for it so screw you I'm rich" perspective. A common theme between the two and all arts for that matter is that wealth is better than poverty, as art is for the most part about realizing a vision that will possibly suck if you can't do what you wanna do because of no wealth. To which I wanna further add: I'm fond of the idea that we do love to blow things up for the bold entertaining values of it. And even the poorest of people enjoy watching a movie thats basically just about blowing stuff into the wind. The best part is usually when tiny things like a lighter make a boom like ... nobodies business. So, mindless exageration. OK, Transformers 2 was possibly overkill - but - yea, life isn't entirely unreasonable - that, and, I maybe tend to hate on that more than the movie deserves.

To come back to sobriety ... there is also the other side - the spartan, minimalistic, 'grounded' - or the 'imperfect'/'low budget'/"B-Roll" - and there I would even argue that the more money one has, the less motivated that person is to actually work - because - where's the point? Yea, obviously - but I would go further and replace 'motivated' by 'incapable'. Thats just a hunch tho.

Yet money is even more pointless than that. Speaking of automatization for instance.



And so - I find: It doesn't matter what I was convinced of getting into this - I couldn't find a lot going for it; But ... ... what can I now seriously put on the table 'for' having money? Well, the whole argument I had there basically dropped into a single word: 'points' - and so - my head is pretty much spinning in circles there. And it flips me. So - I think that although it gets more complicated when we get to more complicated products - the worse case scenario would be some limitations to certain products - like - acquiring a license to obtain stuff - like - not everyone would need a sophisticated sound studio at home. Or, an instrument. Maybe. Or a personal computer, like, the "non standard stuff" - but there I'm getting into another loop - which I get kicked out right away.

The thing is - I can't really think clearly enough about it - as life in all its nuances is at some point what we really have to look at - and - that is as not easy as it would seem. But it turns out that there is in deed a space for competition.

However - talking Economy in respect to money, there's the thing that money basically flows upward - and there it gets stuck - and isn't shoveled to the bottom because ... ... the people at the bottom need motivation to achieve what they usually can't achieve anyway?

What if we said that 50% of all the money that is banked for longer than a year is moved to a pool dedicated to help the poor? We could call that 'pragmatic reappropriation'. But no. In essence this is ideology - its supposed to be that; Mostly to inspire. There is stuff that would/will need be done - and I'm quite confident that if we get them done because we want them to be done - things will work out just fine. As fine as can be. Because it takes time, and we'll always build on the past and move on to the best of our knowledge there isn't much that can go wrong! Say: This isn't a violent takeover! There is no need to create Utopia because we need something to shoehorn the people into. We 'are' the people! Yea ... thats a good note to end this on.


No C.R.E.A.M. (what you expect? I'm semi Homeless!)

by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2017.03.19 | 11:06

Hitting no concrete wall

So, I got to take a look around myself and see all the things that did cost money to get here. Aside of one chair and one small table I did move into an empty room - and yet even those few items that got gifted to me by either someone or the streets - that all did cost someone money I assume. And I wonder - what would this be like, in this world without money?

Ultimately I would at this topic come to the point that I'm a whore - yet there is all the stuff I got that yet means something to me; As the netbook I'm using that would actually still be reasonably practical to actually be used as a 'net'book if the internet had anyhow evolved reasonably. Due to lazy coding and time:money efficiency however I believe all IT is littered with scripts that unnecessarily slow everything down - and what is it? Root, OS, Desktop, Apps, Scripts ... so - 5th "hand" (degree/level) IT - which is possibly even extending into sub-levels at this point (scripts using scripts to use scripts and so on) - while not too long ago it was nearly unthinkable to me that a single core 1.6 ghtz cpu wouldn't cut it for the basic surfing needs anymore. Though, I kindof saw it coming. Technically my Experia Z1 is at this point already ancient - since the Android 'Lollipop' update came along that is. "Retro Technology". Thats the product of competition. I'm a sucker for cars as every other guy out there - ish - but oldies are goldies and new isn't necessarily better. Most people could anyway only effort some trash vehecle that barely stays afloat and our economy is pointless to the extent that stuff is being built just to get thrown right away; Only to meet certain margins. There is no consideration for 'saturation' - saturation is 'bad' - it gets our consume oriented industry stagnant - and I also feel like the intellectual demands of these ages have come to a point thats rather detremental than beneficial. That we can see in the perpetually declining 'per se' quality of everything new that there is. Us crowds is yearning for a relief while them governments can't seem to understand the concept of 'negatives' as a very essential part of balance - heck, they possibly think of exponentially growing numbers when it gets to that word!
Its like a car without breaks and reverse gears.

Another thing that scares me is that the idea that we'll extinct ourselves is higher on the 'realistic' list than that we might actually outlast the sun. Well yea, no wonder at this rate! And people who seem to can't wait for that to happen are in charge - obviously - but yet they don't have the guts to kill themselves. Or they wanna survive 'us', while we're the ones that actually work for the hardware they need to have it easy then. Yea its a shitshow - - perpetual bullshit as the mighty have come to figure out how to turn our own dissatisfaction against us.

Our voting bills might also read: "a) Kill yourself b) Kill yourself a bit faster" - oh, how I miss the days where the Statue of Liberty actually meant something.


Its weird thinking that people that are now in that age I have been back then ... possibly don't even know what the F I'm talking about. I'm in about as old as Dragonball and Return of the Jedi - and I got thrown into a life where growing up ... was just an alternative. I feel as young as back then when Jurassic Park was the newest hit!
Yea ... the good old days. I however come to deflect the idea that its a natural phenomenon of growing older. I can look back - and see how the good old days before I was born were better than the 80s or 90s. As those that are older than me also find the one or the other good thing that came after those old old good days. I refuse to believe that all progress up to this point has been devoid of this and that - that later generations will remember of those good old days - it really is the depressing outlook that casts the shadows onto the now.

Its weird ... to realize that I do legitimately sound old when thinking stuff like, "there were times without internet" - yea, them VHS days.
I got to laugh ... that Southpark episode where Stans dad buys that Video Rental store. But yea - I did live practically next door to one, there was only one house in between and that one was actually yet part of the same building as where I lived; So - it wasn't terribly inconvenient for me at least.


And today? We live in a time where SJW whores take offense in the plot of Zelda being that to rescue Zelda - as though there were something genuinely evil about being a hero. I'm sure to them it would have to be so that the goal of each game were to end in utterly depressing misery.
Is that why they haven't taken any offense in the Dark Souls Boobage?
So, whenever I see a woman thats being attacked I should just turn my back because it were sexist to assume they needed my help?

I wonder - if our civilization really got extinct and some Zero Dawn-esque re-emergence of life occured and they dug out what we have accomplished these days ... I hope they realize its just been due to dumbfucks dumbfucking us all up.


Don't these people have an inch of a spine? ... I mean, I get it! I do myself believe that our psychological gender is to some extent enforced upon us; That there are social paradigms that funnel us into a norm that shouldn't be seen as universally unobjectionable. But yea ... when I think of my childhood - I ... I still have to ... deal with some trauma.
I have a dark and sore heart - and while I'm sure that I've been relatively well off - exceptionally well off - compared to a lot of shit I've heard and seen about - there's one of my earliest memories - and that memory sticks out amongst all of my early memories - like - the one prior to that would be me in the womb - and the one after that me having grown old enough to climb out of my baby bed. Sortof. Maybe there's stuff here and there that I will remember eventually that drops in there - this one memory is ... so fucking visceral still. I do quite vividly remember - that I've been just a toddler incapable of in about just any sort of non binary expression. My dad used to tickle me - and I even still remember the 'phrase' he repeated over and over while doing so. I remember that I was utterly displeased by it - to the point that ... I eventually ... I mean ... simply put: I remember this Light, a door opening up in the pitch black - synonymous for my desire to escape that situation. The way I think of it now ... I wanted it to stop and eventually faded away - inwardly at least. And my dad was obsessed with tickling me. Even when I was older, like 8 or so, that was his way of saying good night. He eventually didn't even know a limit - I certainly do remember that I started to cry from it - yet for some reason that never stuck on my mind. I never consciously associated that to my dad. I never had any grudges due to it because from my effective awareness - I didn't even know it happened. Remembering it now - I would have beaten the living hell out of him.
Then there's my brother. He's the younger of us - and he was born with a heart failure. So, he spent most of his early years in a hospital. And so I understood that he got more love than me; And it was alright for me of course. I wasn't ever jealous about it. That changed a bit as I grew older. It wasn't envy at him though. It was ... basically just questioning the fairness of reality. He was the one who clearly pulled more trouble than me - yet my stepmother was clear about that she would do his laundry - but damn sure not mine. Well - I didn't care whether she would, matter of fact I wouldn't want her to do my laundry anyway - but thats possibly that false kind of pride ... of which I never truely came to experience the other side. The, side of being just able to lean back and let others to some work for me. So of course I also sympathized more strongly with my mother - who would rather read us goodnight stories - and she taught me how to count to 100 in english. But next to that I remember her mostly chatting with her friends on the phone for hours ... and thats how I got prepared for life!

Pretty much - so yea, Toys and Movies - those were my real friends and parents. And yea, my gramps. I feel a deep attachment to him - like a loyal dog - effectively. He was always good to us. He appreciated it once I did draw something - and whenever our relatives were visiting us he would show around what I had drawn and all would be like 'aah' and 'ooh' - that and various Lego architectures are really the success stories of my childhood - aside of which I couldn't ever do anything right it seemed. My dad named me 'Asparagus Tarzan' - and always was clearly shown that my brother was beloved - and I just a piece of shit. To the point that my brother got excused from school to make hollidays in Italy, while I had to stay at home and go to school.
But on the other side I've been to Bohemia with my gramps while my Brother wasn't. I guess that was due to this heart desease though.
Yea ... well ... we were wealthy, and sure I'm greatful for that. Were it not for that - there wouldn't even be that! School was a bit of a mixed bag. And thats also where - 'mixed' is actually mostly dark - possibly because of I was pretty much bullied until I was done with High School. Well, bullied is maybe the wrong word. I was however a crybaby for quite some time. 7th to 8th grade or so. Yea, ... I know I did yet wear some old Micky Mouse Sweatshirt that was way too small for me. But ... most of the dudes were actually pretty decent guys. Once they realized that I was easily 'saddened' - they would show some support - possibly yet thought that I was weird - and I did kindof subconsciously respond to that by stopping to be a crybaby. I mean, they were cool to me - ... made me feel somewhat welcome - though there was a natural barrier since that school there was like 45 minutes with public traffic away from where I lived. Thats ... mostly by train.
45 minutes. So I didn't exactly live in the 'hood' - got there by 6th grade - until 8th - and being sucked up into movies and my toys (Video Games) I had little to no chance to actually maintain any realistic kind of relationship; And aside of Video Games possibly wouldn't even have known of anything - at all. I mean, being friends meant to have common interests to talk about. I wasn't bad at school - but really bad at social existence.
But the first real light was some dude I barely knew - who as far as I was concerned never had any real reason to even talk to me; And we never really got friends because I barely even noticed him either. But there were those two "clowns" I would say, Joerg and Marc - which ... is weird because my mother had a friend with two sons that have the same name. I would suggest they were god-sent to cast some light onto my miserable existence - and well - I guess I wasn't ready for puberty even in 9th grade. I feel like that was where I did get to ... damn, I still did wear that Micky Mouse Sweatshirt by then.
It was a rough town ... and I was ... totally not mature enough to handle ninth grade. But I was fond of X-Com and that did quite help me to get involved into discussions - and have something like a social life. I don't know. In the beginning I was like ... a laughing stock. I yet wasn't mature enough to be socially aware to really understand what was going on around me - and I feel that although nothing really changed about that initial situation - ahw, maybe it just wasn't any fun to pick on me. Or maybe because some of the "deeper" individuals did actually ... start sympathizing with me. Well - whatever. Moving on to 11th grade - well - there I was surrounded by obviously generally more intelligent folks - and so there were the 'cool kids' that kindof 'sucked' me out of my misery. While two of my friends from the previous school were around too - they yet had that kind of belitteling stance towards me - while ... others obviously took me as being pretty chill. And sometimes legitimately funny. But they were socially way beyond me. I was invited to join them going to a Disco - smoking some weed - and while they were already establishing their footing in real life I was pretty much still utterly clueless. They wouldn't really see the full extent of how pathetic I was until one of my birthdays. They obviously expected some party - but all there was were three dudes and a Game Cube. Not much to go in terms of drinks and smokes - and thats where I lost them, kindof. There was Danial, Karim and Jonas. Jonas was a legitimately good friend to me - he's the guy who offered his help to my discovery. Danial ... I think it dawned to him ... I mean, I'd phrase it as: Friendship turned into pitty. And Karim, well, he wasn't ever close to being like a real friend to me - I mean - it was more distanced - I'd say that he's the kind of guy who likes to see the good in people. So, well ... whatever.
That Disco visit was the second time I guess that I smoked weed; And weed was really something for me. An eye opener in many ways. Though more so in terms of what I had actually already grown into. Arts, Stories ... Philosophy. Philosophy maybe not so much. Trash talking at first ... until I discovered 'the Word' for myself. Yea ... I dropped out of 11th grade and then got to the Philippines to attend college there. There are many reasons why the guys I befriended ther and I did get along without a lot of dissonance. There were like three groups basically trying to capture me as a friend. There were the religious friends of my cousin, so, my roommates mostly and their closer friends; Then the extremely shady figures; And ... those I fianlly spent most of the time with. Rey, Rhys, Khai and Kenneth. Kenneth was of wealthy origin, Rey lived nearby, Rhys was ... a friend of Rey, a roommate of him; And pretty chill. Khai was from Burma/Myanmaar - the oldest of us but still much of a Child at heart. All of them were. We never really did do anything substancially intelligent, aside of sneaking off campus and having a second gate pass - and we eventually ended up calling us 'the Stupid guys' - so - yea. Half-way in, so, at the 3 month mark, I got accross that book - and I actually still have it. That changed my life forever!


But not right away. From my own perspective I wasn't weird. I mean - I never learned to learn for school and yet ... well, I made it through somehow. Because I had changed schools so often I had that to blame for anything I might come to realize about not having friends. And well, yea, I did have friends - but at every instance I basically had new ones - and none of the old ones. In 11th grade there those 2 1/2 guys - the other half was in another class though - I couldn't really 'vibe' with them. Because I felt like 'silly guy to be made fun of'. And there were friends of my brother - those were the most consistent 'friends' I had. Until through that one guy I met the other guy where I then ended up dumping a lot of time high on his couch. For month we smoked weed every day ... until I went to the Philippines and when I was back ... yea ... back to the same. And amongst people that were constantly on the lookout for getting high I didn't feel awkward. I didn't have enemies - none however that could deliver that to my face - and while it was enough for me to just chill alongside the rest I had no troubles of any kind. But eventually I moved back to my gramps house - and aside of seeing Jonas every now and again for some weed - I was pretty much alone. But yea - diving into scriptures went well with my anyhow introverted being - and so doing some arts.

I think its not unreasonable to believe that there's a plethora of things that would explain my twisted sexuality - to the point that I can't really trust anything that occured to me until I got baptised. I have to believe that throughout my childhood and even youth I've been passively conditioned to drop into certain patterns of behaviour - and ... ultimately it would turn out that my dad would stay right on the assertion that I, once I grew older, would become a trash collector. So, those guys that drive around with those cars emptying all the trash cans (Men at Work). Thats what I had to hear all the time - not that I took it seriously - but eventually thats the only thing - or one of the few - I find myself enabled to do.
If I were to follow that narrative anyway.
On another note - I was confronted with drugs ... well ... cigarettes ... quite early. 3rd or 4th grade. But at that time I was ... I don't know, I couldn't dig it. I didn't get into it. And thats how I didn't stick around with those guys. It was after I got converted to the Church of Marijuana that I picked up smoking rather independently - but well.

The main reason for me to write this is because it still burdains me - that ... depressing dark sore lump in my heart. It goes away every now and then while then its replaced by some heavenly peace. Weould it surprise you know that for some time - though I myself was rather cynical about it but seriously, it wasn't just that (cynical) - it was my 'lifes ambition' to run amok with a Katana. Like straight down the shopping street. That was perspective to me - though I wasn't actually planning on that.

I'm sure I'm not really unique in that regard - or worse off - though I do believe that I might downplay it a little if we wanted to be serious about it. And thats a thought that makes that sore lump go away. I suppose I do have some stockholm syndrome-ish attachment to my Brother, Mother and Gramps - though my gramps isn't around anymore. R.I.P.. ???
And so yea - maybe I have an Oedipuss Complex for sure - like - I want some Mother to actually fucking give me some Love and make me feel well in this world, while some inner turmoil sortof prevents me from being able to enjoy life. And thinking of my future ... I don't know! I tried to help myself for so long now; And everything I start sortof cumbles to dust in my hands. All the self-confidence I ever had evaporated - and all I ever see is more and more controversy. Christians vs. Atheists. Conservatives vs. Progressives. Gamers vs. Feminists. Mostly just talk and no action. I hate being alive - and all of my accomplishments (seem to) mean jackshit. And thats odd! This ... "seem to" ... that adds to my turmoil. But if I remove that and try to embrace that all of them do in deed mean jackshit - I get to another discomfort in my heart. So, either way I spun it - I'm feeling horrible.
I hate hope! Since my first love delusion hope ... was all that kept me going - until I had none left. And then yet ... it was work that allowed me to forget; And I call it 'work' because thats what I did ... and worse of all - I can't enjoy spring because I'm allergic to something.

So, when I think of them 'good old times' I think about movies. Police Academy, Ghostbusters. And yea - I suppose its an age thing. Back then I was young, things were simple. And so, how can I be sure of anything emotional going on in me? How could I ever come to any peace about it? There are a variety of 'vibes' of Love that I know, so ... there is no 'one' way and its not really a binary/boolean thing. Should I forget about it or not? Either way ... its not like I have an actual choice.



The main reason why I'm stuck on Monica Bellucci is because thinking of her makes me feel magically well. I did fantasize about a lot of "chicks" - and its for once remarkable that I barely get the same kinds of feelings accross the board. What I call 'delusional love' did strongly cater to my demand for warmth and emotional comfort - as fantasizing them into my life kept some fire burning inside of me that made me just want them in my life even more. Thats not the way how thinking of Monica makes me feel. There is no feeling - first of all - just comfort.

Most of the other feelings - and some chicks I can think of with little to no perceptions worth mentioning - they are good in some way; But ... oh, well. Yea, nice ... example. Comparing love to food. There is the concept of eating itself - that to counter starvation - and then there's stuff that tastes good. Its like that ... going for a specific taste. But maybe comparing lemonade to water ... well, anyhow. I'm not feeling too comfortable writing this stuff.


The Bible tells me to not wear my illness on my sleeves - if I may call it that. I should make up and try to pretend that all is well - grabbing my ballsacks and keep going. Makes me a horrible Christian now, doesn't it? But for reals ... I get it, whining doesn't help me get anything done in my life. But on the other side I feel like I'm too much of a blank slate to in about just anyone who hasn't been "part of this" ... "ever since" ... 2005/2006. And what would I know about that anyway. I mean ... I feel like I've been through a shit-ton of things ... I mean, things that people knew about stuff properly would ... you know ... give you a totally different idea about me. I mean, its difficult to convey how I actually feel - and - yea, maybe its like so or its like so - but how about you? What did 'you' do? My whining here doesn't show you my faith - it doesn't give you an actual idea of the strength I have to assemble to keep going - you don't know how difficult this is - you wouldn't know of my inner demons, trials and tribulations I've been through - but so far I haven't seen 'one' who made it through. Blame or hate me all you want - truth is truth - its absolute and you can't tell me that God ain't there! So once I'm pulling my head out of my arse I got say - well - 'you suck'! But who is 'you'?
I wouldn't know - but God would!
Whether you call yourself a Christian or an Atheist - or something. For the most part thats circumstancial. In the end, the ones are rolling in their dicks just as the others - when things are getting raw, when things come down to the point.

I wonder who the real coward is! I wonder who the guy is who is constantly called the coward, lazy, and all that, pushed around and put on the line to proove anything. I wonder, who is it who did what he could to get things rolling into a straight direction and who above any has the right to lean back calling the rest lazy. "Whine whine, but he's doing nothing but bitching and whining [whine] and isn't all that inspiring [whine whine]".

What does anyone got on me but that?


Trash talk, provocation - but no balls to bring that up on me!


"But why me [whine whine]"


How about your brothers and sisters? Your family and friends? Or are you actually asking for it? Do you need your ass getting handed over to you first? Is that what you truely want? Whats the end-game of that? And lets say that it won't happen ... well, bad luck - right?

Or you need me to apologize for not being a robot? Or something.


Is this now more like it? I mean - I'm sorry - I can't give you shit I don't have! I can't do what God takes away from me! And how is that whining? Its an objective assessment of the circumstances. "But God [whine whine]".




So, dear 'more reasonable audience', if you don't get this - I assume you're not even trying. And by 'trying' I mean - I get the imression that I'm supposed to drill God into your heads - so, please start by accepting God. Try to accept that God that has my back - not tryng to be all smartass-douchebag about it. I don't feel any tolerance for me other than that of tolerating me to sufficate in my own misery. And I refuse to lay waste to what I believe in - I refuse to believe in proverbs such as "Work makes us free" (Nazi propaganda) - that whole pile of horseshit - and if you want to compare to me then get on my Level first!

Uhm ... OK - sorry. So - this basically takes me way back - like - this kind of writing is basically representative of what I wrote in my letters and early blogs. I mean, I tried to create a homepage and eventually my mind was bothered by the impressions of people having issues that weren't even remotely related or connected to what I had on it. And that 'while' I didn't even have a finished content idea yet. I basically had it there to upload stuff ... so, for me if I worked on something and I got it done it could be there. Whatever - any straight line I had on mind ... I eventually abandoned to address stuff that I thought was of contemporary importance. I am at least sure that 'now' I have the most important stuff on-site; And now ... OK ... I'm like that again. I can't excuse what I'm doing - I ... can't however do what I think must be done either. Then eventually I would stop doing anything on this site entirely - just to come back at some point and start the whole shit all over again. Whatever. What was on site, what wasn't - what I did mention and what I didn't - there always seemed to be some mouth talking into just another direction - while I didn't see a point in dedicating on Eden because nobody believed that I was the one who discovered it anyway. Oh yea, that ... was a thing. So I would write about the Testimony, arguing about it, trying to address what I thought/felt/perceived "they" talked about it. So, taking the smaller Testimonies I got that are a whole different thing than 'the' Testimony that is supposed to get you on the right Universal track. So, Ironically ... here we go again.


To my understanding there mostly is no need for that other 'smaller' Testimony. If I have a way to go ... a decision to make ... then this testimony comes in; To safeguard myself from foolishly believing in a thing and committing my energy to a false direction. But aside of that; I mean ... even including that ... life mostly comes down to social interactions. Friends or no Friends, Family, Comrades ... whatever. If we're all with God we're back to normality about it all. Why Testimonies? For what?
All I want to know is who's with me - who's cool with God - and we damn sure won't need to rely on ... I mean, ... what ... even was the source of the problem. Maybe what I expected J.Lo to be. That sort of stuff. So - in doubt you could assume that I did get something wrong or misformulated something or whatever. I don't even know anymore.
But anyhow - people had their minds made up - and so my final beef was that I had to write about those things ... without even having a direct connection to any of those ideas. So, being smack-talked away. Which made sense - and eventually I figured that it was pointless to keep on writing about things.

My point yet is and always will be that the Testimony regarding where the true dude is at is a totally different thing from a testimony requested 'after' you've been baptized accordingly already. By Mormon standards that 'minor' testimony is given 'after' one has thought something through thoroughly - there are always conditions ... however. Thats just how it is.


I do believe that like 90% of all superstars/celebrities are detrementally delusional. If not 99%. Their drunk by their wealth and fame and used to reign down upon others - isolated from the real world and real interaction with real people that have real problems. So the idea that "God could do" as an argument against me ... as probably propagated by some few ... thats what I sortof ... had stuck on my mind - and ultimately I would say that the entire concept of 'help' was demonized to the point that nobody even thought of it - even in a 'normal' way. Like - its just a tiny tiny effort to get on solid grounds with God - to the point that I don't even understand why I should bother.


I mean 'help' - what does that word imply? "Whining"? Like I can't help myself? I did help myself - by the way. I made it! I so fucking made it like its nobodies business! So I figured: It did take me three years from the time I first received a book of Mormon until my baptism. So I may have to give it some time - I thought. But we got fucking 2017 now! To me it would also imply that alone I won't accomplish anything. Period. End of the Line!


As of recent I felt that people have problems talking about stuff because they don't know enough about me. Getting asked questions they can't answer and that as some sort of detremental obstacle that ... yea, if I addressed that I'm called a whiney bitch. And the more you wanted to know about me - the more whining you'd get! It only gets darker from hereon out - sotospeak.




Shadow Rain

by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2017.03.20 | 03:56