Something left to add?
Note: This is gonna dive a bit deeper into my Kink - though 'as always': You can ignore that
specific bit as for what matters. I'm writing this since this is a bit more specific; Saying,
the 'but' to all that 'is' what this all comes down around to. For that you may as well try
to skip ahead to the green thing below; Although ... you then won't understand the idea of
"Unwanted Intentions".
So, though now - as far as I have told about myself - I have written 'all' I want and have to tell - also meaning/implying that there is nothing to take back - and am motivated
to further iterate on that; I get stuck. Its not like there is nothing to move on to; But I think thats false. At least have "I" proven to myself time and time again that thinking
this way isn't really a ... 'thing' ... it ... shouldn't be - I mean, its so that if you mean: "Now there's no way further to go" - you practically assess knowledge that you don't
have. So, most easily in a situation where there is no solid wall to 'up' the potential of there literally being no way on. But you know, there are things like hidden switches ...
and what not. But I digress.
Sometimes you would wander a Dungeon over and over again, from top to bottom, because there is no way onward; But there has to be! Thats a bit how I felt - and - I was having a lot
of topics on my mind and now I see them, well, kindof zooming together.
In this situation right now I have come to think about me, my situations; And details ... well, they would only serve the purpose of sharpening the image - but is it important in
this case? The big important thing is that I, kindof delusively - and "stunned from Marijuana" - on the one side fell into an abyss of some sort of depression while on the other
end seeing my real me, well, 'impede' on me - like, the two hand in hand drew me what I would kindof have to call life - or as such: Seeing myself drift into a detremental depression
on its own - without anything I can do while actually liking it, ... but the bugging sore truth of reality being that there is no "net" sotospeak to catch me. Kindof. I mean,
pretty much - so, things went "downstairs" - until at some point things went up again; And - effectively that 'upwind' was simply put the inspiration to this article. Kindof.
I mean, its hard to differentiate things that much once everything sortof is part of the same soup of things.
There is something I have left to say though; Kindof - though I've been saying it over and over. The problem here is however not that I have not been clear enough, but that I haven't
been 'there' yet, where I could be clear enough about it. And probably that will happen again.
However, ... the simple story goes like this: My Brother, a Friend and I have been starting to play '7 Days to Die' - got really into it, and in a lot of ways I'd argue that this
Game helped me - or "if it could have" - in some degree, well - as for instance: Thinking more 'mathematically'. As in: Before building the Base, go down to the drawing board and
figure out how to go about it. Do some experiments here and there to see how things work (because 7DTD has some structural physics unlike Minecraft) ... or to otherwise not just
take materials that I got and build something with them, but also be a bit smarter about ... understanding how much of something I'll need - approximately at least - to go on and
build something. So, if that would at some point in my life proof to come in handy; Yea, 1+ for Videogames!
Then my Friend Martin made some noise about how awesome Nioh is - and we came together in a Shareplay session and I played a bit of it. Honestly - it couldn't grab me. Its too
'clunky' - compared to Dark Souls - and I kindof don't have the time to invest into 'gitting gud' in that game. Nor do I want to. But then he also had For Honor, played a bit of it,
and kindof fell in Love with it. It sortof clicked with me on every Level - figured I had enough money left since I actually wanted to buy Resident Evil 7 - and well; The thing is
... I feel like I've got a curse on myself; Or something is wrong with my account - which is, at the bottom of it perhaps just me - or to underline that assessment: Part of it
comes down to 'attitude' or what I would call "Unwanted Intentions" ... or, I guess ... though I only posess really limitted insights into what I'm just gonna be talking about:
We might wanna look at Daigo Umeharas book about winning. As of what I've heard the gist of it is - and for that reason you wouldn't need to read that whole thing, but if you want
go ahead (can't make any recommendations though) - that he eventually began to rather than focussing on winning, focus on getting better.
My thing with "Unwanted Intentions" is one about 7DTD. So, we were going along - trying to survive, doing each what we can or could; And so each of us eventually got specialized
in something. Our Host is the Digger and Toolsmith, my Brother the "Provider"/Chef/Bully(Hitman)/Gardener and I became the Scientist/Scavenger/Weapons-Expert - like, "Master Dwarf",
"Supporter Dwarf" and "Exo Dwarf". One Day I ran accross this ruined building and I felt some fancy for turning it into a base at some point; But of course I wanted to build it of
concrete - so first had to wait until I had that skilled. Then; I was mostly busy scavenging - used our concrete to harden up our main Base - while putting a bit aside and starting
to dig some initial outlines and place some starting blocks. Eventually we got to a point where we had enough to get along - and I figured I had time to dedicate a bit more onto my
Base. In the meantime the other two began also working on their ends; And - one of those became our 'new' Main Base; Where everyone has a hut and ... yea, so I was there for a while
until I got back to my project. It really took some time - and still isn't really 'there' - while, on my way of getting there I eventually began hoarding weapon parts. Having an eye
on those was one of my support duties as I kindof had a handle on that first - and it wasn't really up the alley of the others. I did this, while I was actively intending to provide
the others with the best possible gear, taking the shotty for myself. That was a 'feel' thing. I felt like the shotty would be a good pick because the others wouldn't bother too much
with it - and thats how things turned out. With the other stuff it was a bit more troublesome though. Not 'trouble' per se - as, there was no quarrel or madness or malice or anything;
Only - as far as I'm concerned - trouble with myself. Once a bug or something - I guess that the Backpacks disappear sometimes due to environment hazards normally - took my weapons
away I got reminded of that. So, though in the beginning I'd keep the better parts for Magnum and Sniper - as I had no real oversight about who'd use what although some initial
preferences were there - I sortof just took things to myself as the others seemed to not really have much of an eye on it anyway - and, at that point I wouldn't want to confess to any
blame given to me. Its ... in the process of things happening; Including my own mental processes that in the end found a way to 'give' the right way. As, thats also a thing. Eventually
you wanna do good and 'give', but - if done wrong it just popps in as a nuisance. So, ... anyhow. The ... my ... base-building has another thing about it - which is, I wanted something
I could just build on alone - not saying that what we built together was bad or that building stuff together isn't fun or just better; Its just ... I mean, I wouldn't want to be in the
defensive here considering that my base is pretty awesome; Though it yet has some flaws that need to be ironed out however - and I still got to tweak a bit on my plan of how I'm gonna
'deliver' the design in a way that makes sense. But anyhow ... the thing is - thats how I took my fun out of the game at first; It wasn't bad or anything; But the process of me basically
'bunkering off' as some part of me - thats a "soup", we might say, which ultimately had an impact on my 'weapons distribution plan'. In the end its all cool because - essentially its all
been a part of the working plan. I get my base done, have a place to call my own and operate from; And from there I can go on to do my business. So, my story isn't about how I messed
up. Its about "Unwanted Intentions" - and though the tone is a bit like "oh, thats a bad thing"; It should be more like a "its inevitable". So, while being in "bunker" mode - I also
bunkered the weapon parts I got; Because effectively - that I conclude - the "drawer" for 'where to put the weapons' was "held hostage", practically. Once I had a good enough base
set up, I for once had a drop of motivation to build on it, then a growing motvation to re-focus my intentions; And in consequence built some boxes where I now basically 'display' the
parts that I got available - while I'm still a bit ... passive about some parts. I mean - the 'go to' weapons they picked I abandon for myself; And a 600 Magnum thing - I don't know what
to do with it. I'd rather wait until I got 3 of them. But, while nobody really wants it, and low-green is basically good enough for a while; ... uhm ... anyhow - 600 is high, its the
highest; And low green is 200-299; Or 201 to 300? Anyhow. And the thing is that these numbers tell as much as how durable an item is. A 200 item has 200 durability - we might say;
And it can be repaired - but thereby looses points. So, a low number means its breaking earlier, and you can repair it less. But so is the curse of a 600 item that, well, its ... 'a
shiny' - something you'd wanna keep until you got an appropriate spare part! (And aaah! Thats a new insight I'll now add into my 'in game' behaviour).
The thing is that we - as of that - have our main "front-edge", or "ships bow", which we effectively can't decide against. I'd assume its like a cosmic law - or, an inherant no-go.
So, when playing For Honer I could really feel that 'getting better attitude' - as, usually I'd get into the "I wanna win" situation where every loss kindof bothers me; Then I want to
do better the next time but that of course doesn't matter; Because thats not how you get any better. So, I felt really 'freed' from that - and guessed it might be the game. But the
moment I got going on my own account - that "snake" was back there; And - its usually like ... first its all good, but eventually there comes a point where I'm getting aggrovated. And,
it feels horrible - and - I feel like I'm powerless; Like - I can't do anything to become any better. And so I got to wonder; Why is it? Or what is it? Whats wrong? I mean, I have
proven to myself that I can let go of that "I wanna win" thing, its a darkness that I don't wanna have in me - but ... its like ... everything is setup against me. And this 'dark' is
so really really weird. I mean - you could call it my fight against inner demons; And I can't, so it seems, get my mind off of a victory centric mind. Its either win or loose, all the
time; Or why I'd have to win - or - why I shouldn't loose - well knowing that everything going on in my mind at that point is bold nonsense!
I struggle against it - but I seemingly can't get rid of it! My closest idea would be that I yet got to learn 'when' its the right time for me to get invested into those games; As,
once my mind is set on 'play' rather than 'win' - where my setting would be different than that of a true Champion.
And being or becomming a Champion myself is kindof what gots me. I don't wanna be, but I do wanna be. I am, but I am not. Its weird. Its that thing that keeps bugging me. What am I,
in regards to this?
Well, this wasn't short at all. But its - what really happened. And that happened at the base of this writing. Now - for the more 'adult' psycho-analytical interest I'd say that these
concerns of mine are essentially trivial - as, whether I'm gonna find my way "out" of that or further in - its, totally nothing saying. So is my 'effecitve' intention (the thing that
the "Unwanted Intentions" eventually will outrule) to lay those things aside as I rather see it a part of 'my game' than any other thing. And ... I'll get into why - while, I've got to
say; This time up front; That I'm writing this in the hope to get some clarity for myself out of it!
The thing is the following: While being "in my own "game"" - I'm totally self-sufficient; As: Regarding all that I am - its a part of what I am given that I'm required to adapt to a
situation/life without any of 'that'. But as mentioned, its really come to me the recent weeks - (prior to starting 7DTD already) - and as of that everything is kindof - well, 'required'
to be considered in regards to what I truely am. But as of that I am getting more and more impatient; Or otherwise: More and more - ... keen ... on being more and more certain on/about
what I am. To - get it as solid as possible. Which implies that I can't just 'want' it so - I have to understand the truth to be correct about it! But - how's that gonna work?
Yea, ... how ... how - isn't that the question?!
How would you? I mean, seriously and in all honesty!
So no - the 'ultimate' approval can't come until we're all in it and a bit more grown up; But ... I think that comprehensive facts are a good ground to make assessments based upon.
Like: The big major flaw of Atheistic Science is that it can't acknowledge God! Like, if I had divine premonitions, God-given, - Atheistic Science couldn't confirm that in any way -
as it would only acknowledge an atheistic solution. That is good and sane for some cases - but once it entirely nullifies the 'potential' for Gods existence in itself - yea; It has to
be wrong about everything where God is a 'living factor' in/of.
(But, to be fair, its a complicated issue; Kindof; Unless you have a scientific 'pinpoint' on the identity of God sotospeak, so you have a solid ground to make theological assessments
from! Thats the point - I would say - of the "Atheistic Universe" we live in!)
So - the thing is, now the actually simple and short point; The thing that got me started into this; That from time to time I'm having fun - and the idea of wanting to move on with my
life is 'rubbed under my nose' as ... not the thing I really want; Saying it a bit like: Don't you want to enjoy yourself a bit longer? So I'm then there - thinking of it - and being
entertained on the one side; Followed up by "the wall" of that being taken if I moved on - so I got to wonder: Do I really want to move on? While in this picture, rather complete,
you would see how my 'detremental evolution' kicks in. I see that I suck at the games I like, can't get any better - while, once I'm so looking on it all my "void losses" come to mind.
Situations where I've actually won - been playing a good game, been kicking some good ass, but like out of nowhere I'm like petrified and falling for the stupidest cheese and the
cheepest tactics or anything really! Its like I'm running into enemy attacks - I ... see a situation happening, react, ... but that same action moves me right into the enemies gameplay
and beats me out. And - unless I can get rid of these visions; I can't get any better at competitive games!
So - its not just due to my "Weed Lag". Which is another thing! I mean - eventually I should give up 'action' based games that demand a good reaction. Its a thing that never crossed my
mind and I'd love playing those games anyway since I'd rather believe in the success of intuition and divine intervention - which, the latter bit, is another lengthy topic I might wanna
discuss at some point. The gist being: To which extent is it legitimate that God be 'upgrading' my skill? So, speaking of what a legitimate 'psychic' were - to be good at games; As on
the other end: Calling me a cheater for God making me invincible. Thats part of the things that flash through my victory centric mind - and would say: If I got a certain peace with God,
thats a skill too. It did cost me effort - and if so I have some premonition - that should be legitimate. Not always bugged out by some BS "I would have won but lost" scenario. Thats how
it feels to me. I loose ... without having an explenation for it. Like magic. I don't know!
However, 'if' my 'being bad' is a part of me being me - that information within my mindset - I want it to be there ... right so that I then want to be suffering this curse. Which is bad;
And detremental. I would want to crave getting "raped" in game - just to 'feel' how real it is. But - in some sense ... this is also something of a dead branch.
By that I mean; Its in line with previous arguments and reasoning - and at that nothing too special or worth mentioning. It doesn't 'up the ante' - just, throws a bit more light on some
of the things.
Uhm ... I mean ... by upping the ante I mean: Moving forward significantly; As to have a 'higher domain' for all the fragmentary insights - as, a beacon to make sense around. Clarity would
be such a thing; As upping the ante in terms of self-development; And yea - I got to write some more on that at some point.
Right now I'm thinking of Clarity as a 2 Phased thing. There is the one side of you starting with Clarity and extrapolating from there what you want - which is then a Clarity centric
understanding of what you are and sotospeak 'Clarity Biased'; And there is the other end; Which kindof starts to become relevant once you begin thinking of whom you'd want to be with; Like,
whether you're friendship or Love oriented would make a difference - but, whatever you are - you then have your way of coming back to clarity - while, you wouldn't have the Clarity Term.
What you'd make would be something like that; ... Uhm: Think of Clarity as a Linear projection of your subconscious ideal. Like, ... we'd inherantly move zig zag; With a blurry vision if
any at all - while Clarity draws straight lines from what we are to give us an indicator regarding what it is we truely want - so we then can more effectively make decisions regarding our
own self.
For upping the ante at this point, fate provided me with the gate and the key. The simple thing is: This question - I got - in terms of gaming; ... becomes a thing like: "I wanna add that
..." - "I still wouldn't want to let go of gaming". And speak of it like this: There are times where I forget that there is this "margin" I called 'Daylight' - saying, there is a foundation
of relief for each of us. In that sense there is an "Island" of sorts, where we can be whatever we are, independent of our clarity bonds. I guess we can say thats a thing. Clarity at first
were a signpost - but how much of it we can truely incorporate into our day to day existence were a different plot device.
For this specific situation though, the point is this: After all things that have been told, there is now this "But I got to add that ..." - which now opens up an alternate space to what
I am - which is entirely independent of my gender and now solely - to me in my case - a matter of having fun with Video Games. But to be honest; There is alot of stuff to say when it gets
to a parental perspective on me - as, I have an understanding of myself where I have a parental view on myself; Which is another thing that goes against my "unwanted intention". This is
more of a classic though. Once I realize I need more 'peer pressure' - I also find these loop-holes that I can slip through; Thus saying that I need a strict Mistress that knows me - and
knows how to keep me in check. And the problem right there is that such BDSM bondage things are usually not taken seriously enough for the amount and kind of 'disciplination' I need to be
a thing we would actually talk about!
And some of you might guess where this is going. The thing is: So, I now opened up this "but" - which is an "Everything so far is correct; But now add 'this'" - as the anticipated thing
that is needed. Sortof. Which of course is the question, while some things pretty much tell me, well, well; Not so much.
Its a complicated thing.
One thing I want to avoid is to let my situation there be independent from gaming itself. So, if I were to find myself as a no gamer; That shouldn't be about Gaming, but is just my thing.
The point is - a gun that doesn't fire shouldn't be taken to battle! Though, on some other end I guess there is another line that can be drawn; Which is about the types of games I 'may'
play. If I were to stop playing competitive games; Or action games; Or only single player games that lock me into my bubble of detrement - that'd be one inch closer to a statement that
feels right.
My ultimate hope however - form all this - is the "bad ending", sotospeak; But I wouldn't really wanna be stupid about it. I mean - that is why I'm still here I guess. That ... the only
way I can feely find rest is once everything has been covered thoroughly enough for ... well, ... going good about it.
So - there is this motivation I got, to get to harder outlines. And if this so far seemed like pointless rambling to you - well; It however serves the purpose of asking one fundamental
question that will require an answer; And that is like the first step to a really solid manifest about your personality. So: Fundamental Questions answered properly yield Fundamental
Answers! Uhm. Weird. I mean: Asking a fundamental question - is ... weird - judgement wise. But what I got here is a fundamental question that I can basically draw on a sheet of paper;
Where now there is this line we have a hard time ignoring; Which is the 'binary' perspective - the 'first peek' beyond clarity we might say. Or so: The inherant 'but' to any wholesomely
monotonistic image of self. Its like - the more someone wanted to be monotone in that regard; As I for instance; The more he/she would only avoid that question and therefore the given
answer. But we then also want an understanding of which answers can be correct; Which settings exist - and at some point the "There are no Slaves in Zion" phrase ... is it actually a
thing? No?
Now it seems so. I don't know if I ever had an actually opposite answer. So, lets forget about that way of going about it!
As we can find in my regard; Things aren't always that simple. If someone wanted to be a Slave, there are plenty of ways to go about without actually being a "Slave" - depending on your
definition we eventually are all Slaves, always, ... of something. By that definition we can outrule the "There are no Slaves in Zion" statement. So, if the rule is worth anything; The
definition of 'Slave' is more specific than that!
But so - Making it simple - I would at first want to start by drawing two Boxes. So, ther width would approximate their "volumetric" correlation - as, for the binary; How large is which
side. And next to that, each box is filled with an image that basically gets accross what that 'space' is all about. And as for 'fundamental' we're not asking about just any 'split' one
might make - we're talking about "the" split. Eventually so to say: One has to first assess the own clarity - to then give a number reflecting its percentual influence. We could call that
"Unwanted Intentions" - basically. Saying: 80+% of me "are Clarity" - that pretty much gives me into it entirely. Behaviour wise. But that doesn't say that my remaining 20% have to be
alike. More to the point, what I'd be in the remaining 20% would also kindof throw back into the 80%; As ... speaking of outfits and colors: If I'd wear pink in the one and yellow in the
other, you'd find both colors in both sides - and if the 20% were yellow; You'd get some more yellow things within the 80% as those were closer to that 20% stuff. So, if those 20% were
... I don't know ... being good at some sports; That sports identity would be a part of what I'd be in the 80% bit.
To then finally get things 'official' - we need God. We need people that confirm Gods confirmation on a thing - as a formality and public service; And ... really just doing the important
stuff where it matters; Finding some Level of trust in each other and God that things will go alright that way; Though - in the end we can still check individually and voice our concerns
accordingly if need be.
At some point I also have to write about my attitude or oppinion in terms of Loyalty/Obedience; And I've come to the following conclusion: Whenever there is a thing where an attitude or
oppinion is 'optional' - I pretty much don't care. So, we can call those things 'grey areas' - saying: Sometimes an oppinion isn't so important. Once we can see things either way; I have
no problem adapting to 'my Mistress'. I'd even want that - as I kindof need it to make peace with myself. Once something is however more relevant, like the factual situation of whether
there is a God or not, or what the Gospel is about; Then I'm pretty much a concrete piece of something you won't ever break period!
And since how I live my life in the afterlife I'm pretty much in a grey area - saying: Everything thats OK with God is OK - I'm really sticking to where I belong. Where furthermore one
thing I can't be oppinionated against is the issue of making decisions that can't be undone! Like ... decisions you then acquire God to take care of - which allows us to get more invested
into others, as on a Level of Love, since God can help us that we'll always evolve in a way thats gonna keep us together. And God wouldn't be doing that if it wouldn't be good - which also
means that you can't unwant things God supports. Thats something you have to respect as an issue of other peoples privacy. It to me is most certainly however not the 'good' of true Love that
I might easily and so just on a wimp decide that I no longer want it. And in my case this ... obviously ... moves into 'fetishistic extremes'.
I had a nice perspective on it recently. Rather than saying that God is matching us up based on our preferences; Kindof leaving in the dark what up with those preferences; You could go and
say that God firstly puts people together that really wanna do a certain thing, or live a certain way, ... and allows them to have their way with it as far as God is alright with it. And
that ... dear Ladies and Gentlemen ... goes really far. I'm talking about 'hate fucking' - essentially - which is however not really hate as in 'opposed to a human being' - but hate in
terms of 'anti-Love' - ... I ... have been there before and I guess I kindof got this wrong. But the thing of shifts in perspective here is much about finding formulations that add
nuance to the various things we see from either perspective. Wherever you stand you see 'things' - and these 'things' eventually look different from another view. So, you eventually miss
certain links from some side; So you have to change your view to see them and have a more appropriate oppinion.
That can also be abused, sadly! Like - moving your sight on Links that eventually don't matter as much as others.
However ... easily: Whenever the mindset shifts in favour 'against' Gods autonomy and individuality and independence and intellectual legitimacy - you're on a wrong path! Its a simple
thing! Any argumentation about it is futile! The thing you might want to say is the whole 'where Atheistic science is good' part - which doesn't hold up against the 'where theistic
science is necessary' parts! Period!
You got to realize once someone only intends to support your doubts in God - as in: Supporting you to go out of your way - to make you actively choose 'distrust' above taking those
important steps of faith!
Anyhow - so, I'd then come up with images regarding either of the two boxes - and yea; Surely - the "meta" would go beyond just two figures - but as for a complete and factual understanding
of the person we got to deal with the "unwanted intentions". There so were another fundamental view: Wanted vs. Unwanted intentions. But ... I got to say that my intentions, those that
render my 'true self' as unwanted, shouldn't be in the foreground as they'd also tend to change depending on situation. We should rather take into account that they exist - wanted intentions -
and that they are what sets us apart from our 'true self' 'in real life' - as in example of me: What my life is like compared to what I think it should be like!
I mean, I wanna be a whore but I'm stuck to entertaining myself like a guy of my age. Kindof. Its just the closest thing for me in my 'writing this stuff' situation.
But now - to be more-over concrete: 20% ... what is that about? I would say - its everything 'but' Clarity; But in that - my 'desire' or "wishful thinking" were to have that where my
'male but not male' ... 'free but captive' kindof thing comes into play - so to the point that this 20% field would effectively occupied by a manifestation relative to my 'wedding
situation' - which explains how I in consequence to it am enslaved and therefore inherantly subject to a few things; Which include the occupation of 'this' 'counter-side'. Now - to me the
thing is the following: If there is an inherant impossibility of this being totally the case - then this knowledge should be vital to be added to this as context. It should be self-understood
to some degree - so to say that this demiseful reality can in deed be the 'poster' for that box; Understanding that it only 'surrounds' whatever 'anti-stance' to clarity exists.
And thats what it really is about. The anti-stance.
As for that - there are a couple of things I 'want' to say - as regarding that - while, in terms of that there's a game we could play. I mention a straight fact about me - and then we wonder
where I got to put it. "Left or Right"? To go on about it, we have to first draw a line. And so is the problem: If we approached it like 'What color is this Box?' kindof baby-play; We could
say OK: "I wanna be raped" goes right, and "I wanna play games" goes left. But I initially have a problem with this determination: It doesn't feel relevant. It doesn't feel like that the things
I'd accumulate on the left are meaningful enough, saying, I'd have to adjust my 'margin' to like 93% for clarity. Or more. I mean, giving less than 5% to it. Which is actually weird to "see",
considering that gaming is easily the 80+% thing for me - right now; Though ... not really! It comes in whenever I got nothing else to do - which makes gaming seem to be like a second choice
thing for me; Which is on the other hand hard to tell since 'Sex' wasn't ever really an option! And that to me experience is pretty much OK! Which is the "cauldron" of the soup, effectively,
that takes me back to those "buttings" - and so yea, they keep coming back; With the issue still being: Can 'perfect withdrawal' be a thing?
So I get to things, like, a male:female differentiation, where my 80% side is 100% female, and my 20% is the male part that inherantly adapts to the 80% rather than being the thing that the
80% align to. So - in terms of drawing a circle - the idea is that here we have a rod with two ends; And one of them is going to be the center, the other the outer rim, of the circle; And
that would do as much as settling this thing. I mean, we can pretty much declare it a thing as there is little to none that would make sense otherwise. Or we wonder: Can a minority dominant
pool be a thing? And I'd say: Yes! Theoretically it could even be that which yields into clarity, then however causing that shift of centers.
As for me - there is a 'first wish' that crystalizes - and it basically 'refracts' in regards to my marital form; As effectively my side of the pie; That put into following asumption: A marital
agreement is at any rate a balanced 'table' (rows and columns) - as, for a fancy pick, 3 wishes on either side. So, the thing is that as God is taking care of the relationship to stick together;
Each side has three wishes - that God would take care of making sense to the other. So, I don't have to care ultimately whether or not she would like a thing as God would make her; If it is part
of that agreement. In this sense I would note my 'Spine' being a thing from where I gather that kind of self-esteem; As a 'basement' for 'wanting' things for my own as opposed to giving it all up
to someone else. However so the statement of being a Queen or Godess would translate into the wish of 'wanting to be recognized as Godess'. That much would however take away from the value of the
Spine in terms of ... if its a thing already, I wouldn't need to waste a wish on that. And this "wishlist" is equally complex. Saying - you can move beyond a simple and naive three wishes if you
know what the other is gonna wish for - so, you can 'maximize' the amount of stuff you can get out of these 2x3 wishes if done properly. However - I think a lot of that ... at least it isn't really
within my cognitive realm ot make things like that happen. I at least feel very much passive to it all - which is reflected within my fantasy, or so: The evolution of my creativity. Inspired by a
core wish I'd "fancy all towards/into" a sortof captivity/abuduction-esque situation; And that got me going for a while - until its become more and more of a concrete absolute - eventually taking
away my "rights" "to fancy" - or in the other way: The truth of captivity/abduction is an inherant unfreedom regarding the things that are going on. Hence my night by night arousal is actually
also dependent on some sort of spart from the outside. Once I have a specific fancy that got me high, I can't maintain that arousal as it disssolves, essentially, the moement I move into my bed.
Then it is some stranger force that kindof 'gets me wet' and thus gets me going. And at the base of it all there is some sense of 'romancing' with 'her' - while the more scary my future is drawn
by that presence, the more excited I get about it. And I have a hint of how real this is - depending on how accurate it is that certain wedding "Locks" got made this way. So - while I evolved in
this life I then came to confess to things that 'locked' a wedding tie to someone - although we haven't been present. This would now be valid in behalf of God - so, there isn't any need for a
direct confrontation - while simply put God would now make things be that way and period. So as things are possible. I mean - either the person in mind is already there waiting for it; or the person
has no clue of it but is pretty safe to move down that road ... things like that.
I don't know exactly.
OK, ... 'first wish'. Now, the first wish for me is tied into following situation: The engagement got primed on the premise of me becoming a Slave of Satan to become a Slave of her - with the meaning
of what it means to be a Slave rendered on "this" ("imaginative") Manifest. Point being: There is now a very specific idea as to what it means to be a Slave, while some part of it might be that I
have to give into it unconditionally. But ... thats ... something we might wanna take a closer look at.
Well, so there is this whole "what it means to be a Slave" thing - and that is OK. I mean, we might know stories about how a wish coming true is bad; As the wish we uttered can become real, but with
so many things wrong that it really wasn't worth it. We of course don't want that in paradise! We wanna get what we want! So, of course if I want to be "a Slave" that is pretty inspecific as to what
I really want. Though - in effect we can say that what I really want is somehow associated to that. So, I wouldn't want to get happiness for a certain thing just to then not get it!
And so, in short terms, the whole list of things that come from her side basically require me to settle my wishes in acknowledgment of what she wants - thus saying as much as: All three wishes
have to deepen my detrement/demise/whatyawannacallit. Well - good point! What were the exact definition?
And I'm not even sure!
It kindof ... eludes me! It possibly implies everything that is of negative evolution or development ... as withering ... though I suppose that 'drying out' isn't part of it; Else I guess I'd make
use of that word more often!
So, spoiling perhaps - though not to get into rotten. Well ... the thing is that: Depression is I guess the first word that should be dropped. So, I guess we're doing it this way then. And thats
another thing I quite didn't understand a lot about. The best way to approach a 'clear' conception of our 'clarity' - we then have to get distance to it, as for us to make out what 'wishes' we have;
Or which desires; To find the pivotal words to construct various elements. Though; The extent to which this would matter is I guess left to a handful that do the work - so others have a list of
default options and therefore a simpler way of getting to the goal.
Depression is a thing - next to Depravity. Depravity where the 'environment' wherein Depression would unfold. Detrement then were the 'thing' that kept things in place, with Despair being the allover
'form' of my happiness. So, if I look like the Despair of suffering a detremental oppression locking me into depressive depravity - ... then I look that way ... I suppose. To ... be careful of how to
put it up. Anyhow - so the first wish of mine - I'm not really sure of it; But with it - I get individually to a certain idea of what I want to be or have; Which is quite simple. It starts with me
wanting to get happiness and sadness mixed up, essentially; So, that I will literally experience depression as happiness. That of course so that 'she' can 'opress' me - making that depression real
for me; Where so my next wish were for her Love for me to flourish on sadism in regards to my sacrifice. The third wish however gets me hesitant - as - I kindof want to add onto that; While something
else is higher on my mind but kindof ... a different thing. Well, no way around mentioning: The wish in question is my wish for being disallowed to ever be male again. It ... seems like it doesn't quite
fit into the line. So, I still hesitate to acknowledge it as the third; Though ... its something to work with.
However - all in all, there so is this 'base stance' of getting depressed - which would as far as I am concerned go into the 20%; With ... well, 'strong ties' into the 80% - ruling into them. This
would work as the 'outer rim' is aligned - as in some sense 'consumed' - by what the center is about; Thus it is essentially like 'owned' by the center and thus indestinguishable from the whole to
some extent.
The third wish ... what I got to be clear about, I guess, is at least something coherent enough to function for the time being, and while the so far mentioned one may be a bit inspecific; I have to
relate it to the fact of wanting to be "crossed" - or "backstabbed" - in sense of whatever my male self might aspire aside of ... "getting rekt". The point is: I am totally not gay per se; Though -
that is an older reality of me speaking. Not yet speaking against it, but in those 20% I can be 100% gay; Except ... I can't oppose my feminization. So, ... it isn't really being gay, its more a
female heterosexuality that my male self is then subjected to - where the gay part comes in as 'bridge' of impression or feeling; Though it doesn't really work on my male 'per se' self. But under
the line I 'love' to label myself as 'faggot'. Basically the term implies, to me, metaphorical punches - like, something insulting, like ... being a total moron since being so happy about getting
bitch-fucked or whatever.
Or basically craving to get messed up as feminized.
Well ... so, the third wish would be something like ... I want the only peace of my male self to be that of getting brutally feminized; And by brutal I mean: ... . So, I wanna extend on brutality and
and specific things that I imply, drawing a more coherent picture of what this is all about. So - that being a process of its own renders this basically - OK enough thus far.
And - does it matter? I mean - I kindof stressed it out though I could have right away moved on into wondering: Well, how does 'gaming' now fit into that?
The core idea is that there is a room - so, its a room in my mind - where I'm free to do "my stuff"; Whatever that is. This room is however drawn/made-up like a cage, in that the way in and out for
me is something rooted 'within' my situation of captivity and abduction; Thus making this room a 'cave' of some sort ... 'within' the domain I'm captive in. So ... its something 'given to me' rather
than something I inherantly have; And in that picture would only be given to me in some 'familiar' environment where my submission role is more 'honest' to our truth. So, ... the situation where I'd
get born 'to them' - where so there is a knowledge and relationship to my private self - where yea, another thing on my mind was to say: We could take it this way: Give me as much of that 'opposite
crap' as possible - supporting me in it - as to find the boundaries of that. I mean ... instead of going the one, go the other way. One mustn't be blind either way.
Anyhow ... the most 'reasoning' in this - from there on - to me - is vague in terms of words, but rather solid in terms of impressions. There is something of a 'realm' that confirms itself over and
over again; Where the weird bit was that there are essentially 'four' - like parallel dimensions stacked as in a tower ... of 5 Levels. However, there is abottom then - which would correlate to our
more subconscious self, the parts that we're rather powerless about. So, that is also where you'd find my male 'things' ... as a weird blurr between super-feminized and "Horse Cock Futanari" -
also a bit pregnancy here and there ... and male masochistic transsxuality ... as to ... well ... my male self is given the freedom to unfold, to realize its most perverted desires, which at some
point "flux" into being female - so, there is that level of perversion where my 'male drive' wants to attract as a female - and get it as a female.
On the outer rim ... hmmm ... well, thats too specific right now.
I mean ... oops. So, this stack of dimensions is like an elliptic sphere ... uhm ... yea, squashed sphere ... whatever - though also a bit like a pyramid. Its ... strange. The foundations of course
are the strongest; And they build up towards the tips. If that were applicable on the fundamental question asked at this point, then the picture would futher imply that my spouse in my 20% field isn't
the one I'm actually married to, which makes sense to me. So, thereby I'm a husband; Which is labelled as husband ... as a form of humiliation - or a way for me to evolve in contrast to that, speaking
that I'm turned into a bitch. And that is also a person I do inwardly react with some sense of horror to - which is another thing that excites me. A horror like - she's really into getting me "tied
down" - as to expose me to getting face-fucked beyond whatever.
So, the one who would have some sadistic ambition - something she wants to see of me, a level of being broken; So, a desire that'd make her throw wood into a fire until I'd be fucked enough ... to her
satisfaction.
So, where does the gaming come into play? Being at this point - I have the wish that 'perfect withdrawal' is possible - not however because I don't like gaming, but because it fits the black fassade of
my dark prison. It gives me a sense of having something that I actually lost. And for that reason ... I have a reason to put my all into gaming! And that really ... is something important about me.
I will embrace all and everything that goes against my true self; For the sake of having that identity that I then loose - or finally 'lost' - while being kept in that awareness; Or repeatedly put into
a default situation of freedom to get abducted or whatever - adds to my detrement. So, I rather want the 'perfect withdrawal' thing itself; As ... to really go against everything. So that if we had this
'neutral City' wherein we all could live "out of Character" - I'd be dominantly a whore still.
Then there is the whole 'pregnancy' thing - which is also there somewhere; Just like the married into prostitution thing; But I can't quite sort them in/out yet. Initially I'd place it into the 20% space,
but at that point I were guessing; Or, I'd have to admit that I as male can't be that; Though it would work as a magnifier to various things; Which makes me believe - or 'want' in 'that way' that usually
relates to things that 'are' - that now this 'second relationships' again is a matter of wishes - where a formulation like: I want to be trained into being breeding stock - that is totally applicable on
the male reality - while then yielding actual 'breeding slavery' to my female reality. Then there is that bit ... which feels like it belongs to the same soup ... which basically wants to expose my butthole
to a lot of traffic; Though deeper within there is a more centric wish to quite a bunch of things, which is a wish that alters my wishes fundamentally; By asking for being only allowed to have certain
types of wishes - which does I guess belong to the 'polygamy opening'; As, she porposed it - with a wish; And I acknowledge it with a wish - which were that I'd want her to demand me to focus on wishes that
do forcefully go against my male self/side/reality/personality - ... the ... non-feminine part. So based on that I'd want my butthole to become a main attractor of traffic based on the reality of it being
a primary means of disrespecting me - and my mouth to be my 'man vagina' that needs a proper "cleaning" prior to anything.
And there comes to be a third relationship; And a fourth one I guess. While - as for solid it however pretty much ends here as well.
As a closing comment: At this point I feel like I can't ... or rather: I can't - period - accept a no as answer; Wondering if this all can be real. So, taking the 20% and "hijacking" it in response to the
80. However ... that said ... I still feel like the 'why this side exists in first place' question is there ... and requires me to ... rethink. Or ... there even is the other 'feel' that I can't quite
put it that way. There is ... something off, though in essence it draws a pretty solid and I believe unshakable foundation.
For me - speaking that both sides were the same thing - I could tell that the thing the both boxes have in common isn't my Clarity. In the 20% I'm not a whore ... at least not by definition of what I want.
Kindof. I want to be a whore - and for that its my clarity. But for what is against it - I only want to see things that direct me towards it. Or: One way of adressing my beloved from my male perspective
were to be sure that if she were to fancy my male biology - were to express that I want her to take me as a "pile of pitty" - someone who can't exist outside of a sexual thrall towards her ... so, which is
quite the way I am. I am ... extremely ... "pathetic" ... in terms of how I love or want to be loved. Most of it would come from me being kindof ... 'inactive' ... or, non-dominant. What is dominant about
me that could be considered wearing a dominant form were once reducing me to my male sex drive - which is there in a couple of places but, where that gets more and more extreme - the ambitions to be female
are as well consequentially stronger.
What these 20% give me - in the way I'd mean it - is, so I'd say: as intended - an 'alternate identity' - surrounding or within my clarity. In my case its surrounding though. This alternate reality now is
one of sexual submission; And we wonder: Does my clarity 'cancel that out'? Or ... yea ... how much of us, all in all, is actually 'restricted'?
So there was this concept of Daylight - the idea that every once in a while we'd be taken away from what our life is - to look at it from a distant cloud - as to have a break of some kind or ... just ...
something for us to consciously grow; So, gaining distance has that property of changing our perspective - which then allows us to see things differently ... and to thereby grow.
That 'island' however has in process of me getting grips on myself also changed. It appeared as things got more seriously into darkness - and got consumed threby as things moved on. Well, consumed is ...
maybe not the right word. Tossed into? Well - at least did God not keep up the ambitions of claiming that space for any alternative ... but effectively ... the opposite. So, it being something like a
'space of 'high consciousness'' - which is ... like ... "the most real" you could see yourself and anything ... (dig that! Its important! I mean - this is quite literally a thing we all got at some point!
Its like ... if us dwelling within our happiness is like a delusive, dreamlike state ... there is a state of 'wakeness' - which could be compared to "feeling stupid about ourselves". To me at least its
... like ... I'm looked at as the guy I know I am ... where now any female ambition would make me look like a faggot ... but admitting it was a part of the thing; Which is a matter of a lot of back and
forth until the loose ends have all been cleaned up. So, it isn't quite like: "Shut your eyes and jump in". I mean - even if you at some point have to ... it doesn't stay at it - so, staying blind. Its
a constant back and forth where God finally helps us grow 'raw meat' ... like ... having gone through all the different 'phases', per se, that are influenced by certain decisions.) So - instead of finding
an island of peace, I found a peaceful place that was awkwardly empty and not really fulfilling. Until it changed into a desolate rock where I'd be chained to floating through the void of eternity, connected
to a symbol of my detrement and an existential tie into being a slave of the hierarchy of Satanism.
Well, the God-given Satanism.
Wherein God also acts out that 'hatred' that some of us do crave. In the idea; So for instance the kink to fuck a pregnant woman. It doesn't really flourish without some degree of disrespect for the child
the woman is bearing ... and is really true to its practice once there is some 'hateful' Love going on. This by the way is all in all about ... so I understand ... generating this atmosphere wherein human
beings can exist like cattle - which might sound horrible to some, but does really happen to be beautiful to others!
Lol - so, where does this go? I have 'indicators' ... like ... I usually don't feel my ballsacks like I feel them now; But I do from time to time and that feeling is one that wants to go away. So - I feel
that this so far leaves too much space for fiddling my male self more into it than it should be - ... thus I feel the ballsacks that shouldn't be there. Well ... I would say that you don't know what it is
like to have a vagina - or you'd tell me that - either way, the truth is the truth; Which is for me that it feels like ... first of all freedom. But to be more sexual about it - more vulnerable. And it is
this vulnerability that I want - and want to get exploited. So - as ... you should expect. I mean, it makes sense - ... .
So the term of being a faggot is more about having that strength of a male - in the idea - but 'throwing it away' ... effectively. To be a pussy. A "Sissy" - or ... one up to female: "Daisy" - thats however
a word I found for myself. So, Daisy implies Sissy, but it doesn't hover around the male:female contrast as much as that it also works perfectly with a female foundation without abstractions; Other than some
touch of artificality.
Or so the idea is that extensive feminizations turns a guy first into a faggot, with rape you get to a sissy and once put to the extreme you get to a Daisy. And at that point, I'd advertise, you wouldn't
care about the person inside as much as the way the person appears.
So - finally, being an Object. Well - that wouldn't work as much as becoming a real item - kindof - since, it'd more than that be a ritual that underlines the individuals place in the world. So, from time to
time I'd be treated like an Object; starting within my Toilet Slavery as cleaning tool. Well ... it ... should sound nasty. Though I wouldn't want to clean every kind of dirty toilet ... it goes against me
- but I'm bound to say it: But that kind of dirty toilet my mistress wants me to!
But rather than being into dirty - I'm into being given that 'object/item aspect'.
But now - all that aside. So, I couldn't accept a no - leaving what? So, if at first this '20% box' were my opportunity to add that male thing that'd stand out against my female self - its rather so that it'd
aspire for it - as subject to rape, which were to destinguish the 20% from being a hore ... kindof?
So, we get to the other thing yet - however. The list of things I'd ... want to give up in favour of my dream. I would thereby pretty much welcome that me giving those things up were part of being a Slave to
both, Satan and her; As some convincing foundation for me to respond with solely detremental wishes. So, this third wish - it starts to compete against a: I want my male pleasures to be those of getting
forcefully feminized. So, brutal feminization is there yet a thing.
So - what I mean by that is 'logically' taken like an extendable table listing all the things that could be done to the detrement of my male self, and imposing them upon me with a twist of malicious
violence and/or brutality. I want to feel like I'm stuck in the wrong movie - and live in that movie forever; To be bound into it absolutely, with nothing left to legitimately free me from it.
This is now why 'decisions that can't be undone' matter so much. Without recognizing them, we cannot recognize as setting such as mine - "if they were a thing". Their sole existence implies some necessary
absolution - which means that having second thoughts ... is the thing we want to move beyond by settling things that way. And so we have God and clarity to help us get a grip on what we would want to have
solidified (an example for me were my desire to be female as realized within Rune/Seal 1) - and once we'd move up to it, it'd become a thing; Whereby we decide for something that is well within our range
to grasp. Its a simple: "This versus That" - while getting some vague idea about what either side would lead to. So, to me there is the male side which would lead to a lot of things I'd deem 'boring' -
very much so once compared to the female stuff. There is a ... beauty about being totally isolated from anything but sexual detrement - effectively speaking - so, in that regard of absolute withdrawal;
That just gets me. It is thereby the core idea to be at some point not about to back out of it anymore - in a way that wants me to say: I'd want that me wanting to back out were a part of the situation -
so I get to feel the real terror of my situation. So - thats the 20% part then. For me. Now. Well, lets see. So, that my motivation to escape is being provoked as part of my captivity - coupled to me being
'locked' into being only capable of 'feeling' my wishes to get raped; Or being wired - by God - to be incapable of deciding against any move that would increase my suffering as victim to rape.
Too much? I mean - at this point the way onward would be: Well, but thats how it is! There is a dream that wants to be reality. I did think about it like: Well - if detrement were my happiness and all I want
is to get raped - thats pretty selfish! Its ... like ... "cheesing the Universe". I mean ... I'm essentially asking for happiness - disguised in a lot of dark imagery. And can that be legitimate? I would
... some part of me would say yes - the other part is still unsure - say yes - as the whole depression bit doesn't come without 'true' negativity - in a sense that yet makes the 'normal happiness and fun'
stick out; And function as a "bumper" - as the awareness of that which I cannot have! And you could put me to it - I wouldn't have fun playing any game; And experience it as punishment ... except: I had
enough time to dive into it. That is I guess the part that can be "abused" the other way. So, "time is of the essence" it says - or: Of course, once whatever I be were moving to drought ... what would I
do with the time? How to spend it with any meaning?
And there are two answers: Answer 1) Suffering my Demise in Lonely Misery is good enough; And 2) Let "her" play. So, in that situation where gaming is used as thing against boredom - I'm totally happy about
it! Also: Can't undo that! But I'd want to stress that this happiness is a 'normal happiness' - as in: There are 'true' positive particles which I internally experience as negative. So, yea - in a sense both
ways are toxic to me - and that conflict sustains an awkward feeling, either way, that drives me crazy and is a legitimate part in my craving to get messed up. I really want that craziness to get brought to
the point where it'd just "plop" - and turn me into a tame fuck-slut thats totally fine with getting horribly murdered as stretched accross an arbitrary amount of time - even as stretching from birth to old
age. Yea - so - in a sense: At some point there is a 'norm' that wouldn't be moved away from - so, thats really just the normal thing to do. And really - just the realm wherein my true self would unfold.
Or ... wants to. As I got moved to the point wher I had such desires - I mean, as the active part, I realized that I'd be pretty cruel. I mean ... from there an established fantasy standard would be like,
disjointing the jaws to get a better facefuck; Or suffocation mixed with mutilization until just a torso is left to be stuffed and moved into an oven. And ... from there I moved on into realizing that I
wouldn't wanna do any of that, thus 'doubling down' on getting it.
As for 'real life' - ... I want to say that any 'watered down' version of this would be indicative of failure ... of some kind ... something 'wrong' going on that needs to be fixed. At least all in all without
the death thing. The death thing however ... it feels kindof OK to say that turning 40 is like ... the time where I am 'auto-vicimizied'. So - its a 'dream' thing. That by the time I get 40, some amount of years
is specified for me to die. Especially as a male. The thing being that I got to get punished for being male - so; The more male I am, or rather: The later I get into it, the more catching up has to be done -
... uhm; But at any rate - I feel like it is necessary to have some "final line". 40 or 60? 40 feels like better; Which is ... kindof ... masochistic to say, ... as by intention - 'proper intention'.
Proper Intentions
2017-02-21|19:33-00:05
While, after this session of 7DTD I've had some time thinking of what I've written - I'm not really drugged right now as well - I'm feeling extraordinarily well. Jumping like a bouncing ball. That joy there
isn't really about not being able to play games anymore, but more so about ending the chore that I associate to it. And that isn't a matter of farming. Though I'm the scavenger of us - its not really a
farming thing for me. Nor am I really into it. I did a bit of it in Warframe, never really wanted to invest too much in it while playing W.o.W. - and generally I'm really bad at anything that requires some
fair amount of it. The chore for me isn't really a chore associated to gaming per se. Its a chore associated to pretty much anything that you'd do that you do not really ... dig. Sounds weird - but - more and
more I realize how weird I am ... saying, well ... a lot of things are twisted for me - and am slowly realizing just how. I mean - things I took for granted in the past, though nothing changes per se, start
to appear in a different Light as, well, I "unlock" new things. So, gaming would be ordinarily fun - though compared to what I connect to pursuing my realest self - its just pointless. Kindof. Still fun;
As ... I'm not immune to it.
But well, the whole snuff/dolcett thing ... I suppose that being like: "But I guess it can't be a thing" would be somehow disappointing to a few - including myself - which means I'm excited about it. And the
thing with - 40 - ... hmm ... well, for once there is a thing that makes me fancy a third relationship in the mix to have more wishes to get further into that; While on the other side there is another thing which
is the whole part where me being expendable or not is kindof a thing. My feel for it is like: Making me die quickly were about being expendable - elonguating were truely doing me a service. And everyone else
for some matter. So, I don't know how or when it would start - though I don't dare to say that X or Y can't be a thing. I'm sure I can't tell enough in that regard. My hope is though that I'm just done - that
my ability to pursue my own interests further plumits - and that this whole awkward depression that emerges therefrom may unfold to say: I'm done!
But there we have 'em again - those ballsacks. So yea; These ambitions are rather remote. Now dreaming of it is simple - or just taking out plenty of D20s (dices with 20 sides) to roll a high enough number as
for how long to get tortured would be one way of thinking about how surreal these desires may have to be taken. On some other note I got to say that my anus probably as a micro tear. Sometimes it bleeds after
just a small "intake" - other times I can take the big ones really deep and nothing. Its weird ... but it kindof takes away the fun ... and basically increases my worries - which might otherwise accumulate into
relief. But it doesn't come at me as a relief because ultimately it means; More waiving on all the things. But so thats what I got to say right now; And maybe this ballsack thing is a matter of ... well ...
there being something I tend to overlook. And ... so, would that be a matter of the smallprint?
"I guess" the situation has to be layed out more properly like: Are there then yet those 'male can' exceptions; Or is it 'that far' - as - shouldn't there be a male can? And I'd say it is the latter. And with
that being an option I'd pursue it. Naturally. So - in some way the smallprint were to stay only if there were no way to circumvent that. The pressing question being: How to confirm this the one or the other
way? If I alone were Ekklesia enough ... I'd take it from my understanding and the vibes I'm gettingthat its complicated - while: We should think around and wonder for which things we can establish that then
are just generally things that can't be undone.
And I've been there - kindof pointing out that there are parts, like joy for playing games, that won't go away; Or my male self being there - however - until whenever. Whether it'd be gone at some point
finally or not - ... that is ... all sortof there in the real of delusive ideas - but while some of us struggle in that way; There have to be final and concrete answers.
In general I'd however think in favour of Gods authority. That if God binds something, it can't be unbound - while we can say: Not even by God - because God won't! That is Gods sacred duty. Therefore I'd say:
In doubt - everything has to be taken as established per entity. So - from Religion to Individual there may be a variety of things that apply. Like, that Satanism comes with its own bonds - like - being
bound to serve 'Sin'. Which then also adds a hook into supporting things like my depression.
The Mother in me has a few more things to say about me - but - she's in that regard no different to any other of the female bits of me, kindof. She'd point out that me having 'fun' - like an ordinary person -
causes things in me that may appear all fun and good and so - but I think; What she actually has to say is that she needs a strict handle - or - I do need one for her to come out. Which is one of the many
things about it that effectively capture me. So, even if we ignored all the hardcore stuff that goes through life and death - the feminization or submissiveness part - I'm pretty much a person thats either this
or that I guess. If you let me go with a little too much slander; You're in danger of getting me wound up in habits that I'd essentially exploit as I could. Though, on the other end that couldn't be avoided;
Saying - the one way or the other I'd develop something of that sort. While further I don't think I could really stick to it - but ultimately I'm "preying" for getting dominated - and that is the base on which
I wouldn't want to relate to my spouse as my relative since its more fun to be like an Object for her. Effectively thats where my 'thanksgiving self' comes into play. So - the part of me that is raptured and
greatful about being her Doll - which isn't by ways of it coming not just a Label, but true in the sense that I'm grown that way - so, effectively hollow inside and somehow programmable. Anyway - in those
terms there is enough fun that my folks can have with me - not taking it to the final limits. Though depending on yada yada ... well ... you get the idea. And - whatever I could add to this now ... basically
... still needs some going over; Which is why I'll sleep a night over it - and see what I got on mind tomorrow.
00:40.
Unconditional Love (context driven?)
I will admit that some of these "Fantasies" of mine do exist in correlation to my Marijuana consumption. However: I mean to stress that the factual effect of Marijuana is 'not' - I repeat: 'is NOT' -
to give you (such) weird sexual desires. To describe the effect is complicated - and I express that because I just had various impressions ("Visions" (low tier)) of how you could understand various
ways I've been putting it so far. In essence I'd say: Its like a Microscope (with almost literally as strong of a zoom, though literally: This is an abstract allegory) - but "the screen" stays the
same size.
Regarding 'psychosis's - I'm unsure. I can tell 'what it is' - but, its difficult to actually say ... what it is. Well, yea. Maybe think of the Simpsons Mole-man driving through a city. He'd eventually
bump into things - and yea: If you don't see enough (education helps) to put the pieces that your mind is concerned about in the high state together ... yea - its a bit like removing a card from a
card-house. Or "stressing" a vacuum into a soda-can.
So, it was actually the very next morning that I felt like writing against it all - which is definitely something worth noting. Further: This time its been slightly different - and I believe that things
felt different that morning (yesterday) because I was having a greater openness for "what would happen". I know two general situations. The one is that I wake up and feel completely fine within the ways
I put things - and the other is that I feel ... quite the opposite. Though in general its usually weaker once I get up, and stronger towards me going to sleep. But - that doesn't make all these things
unreal: Or so: They keep coming back - either way. They seemingly both do contradict; And its only due to the fact that we get born into solitude and search for company that I'd regard the one more normal
than the other.
The way out for me wasn't one of Sex or Gender - letting go or taking in, anything - more so its simply a 'giving up' of sorts, being smacked and smitten by the complications of this all; While all I really
want(ed) is "some Love". Once it would seem like you'd have to spend 6 years at University just to have a simple kiss done right - thats probably ... "sub par". Not all that exciting! But once we then so go
and remove everything and have none of it - yea - we're back at square one where Love was supposedly easy! I mean ... regarding me and my Love: Unconditional (mutually) Love would require it of her as much
as of me - so, its supposed to be able to exist with none of the above ever even thought about!
I'm now like not even an hour into the day; And I could tell you 'how' the Kink comes back ... at least, how so right now. Then going further into why. "And I didn't even have Breakfast yet" - not even a
smoke. In simplicity: Right now the things 'come back' because I'm thinking of Love. And that. While usually so in the morning my mind would/should have probably 'reset' itself to 'normal living
conditions' - as 'probably' 'used to'. Which means: It probably is entirely meaningless (the "gone-ing").
Which now is however not to say that Unconditional Love couldn't easily deal with it either way. My idea of how that would look ... I have a picture where I would do my thing as usual; Also go to bed as I
please; So there would be a way of us missing each other (physically and emotionally) although living in the same space all the time. That'd just be 'my' 'idealization' - as: I really don't like to bother
with schedules of any kind! Regular Lunch is: TOO MUCH DEFINITELY! Thats how it all began. Its not like its ever been different my entire life - that my grandparents had Lunch, on point 12 o'clock. Yet as I
had all the time, living under their roof, damn ... its like that Table I can get mad at for bumping into (or I rage against A.I. enemies as though they were cheating humans. "The Nameless King" ... I'm
looking at you! (Dark Souls 3) - Just as much as that Lv. 3 Bot in for Honor). (And yea - I am getting better.)
Uhm, yea, so I'd inwardly get mad - and that basically just in general - who-ever yelled for me would get it; Kindof. So, yea. If you really wanna annoy me you will look to getting some regularity into my
life. And I would say that 'once a week' ... thats on the edge! And I couldn't guarantee it!
And for how this "kindof Love" to turn back into "Love" - I guess I should write about Love in general. So, no Love is more general and universal than that of the Levelheadedness Light/12 Aeons; And we're
right on topic for that, since - its kindof an "Unwanted Intentions" related busienss.
So, to jump back - speaking of Snuff/Dolcett as a Kink - in the way it occurs most definitely and is most certainly as real of a thing as the desire to get married - it at first is a desire of some kind.
Though clearly: The feeling I have when desiring to get cooked isn't the same as once I'm literally burning myself on a hot surface. To the one having that fetish it doesn't matter however, because also
would that person assume to be tied up, restrained so whatever it suffers; There is no alternative but to bear it. There is a thing similar to how "normal" BDSM fetishists relate to their kink. For
'regular BDSM' the most familiar 'vibe' would be 'trust'. So, playing with trust, or ... dropping into a void where you're so at the mercies of your partner - that deals a lot with trust. And that is also
possibly why 'the regular BDSM kink' would drive people into "distance from civilization" - or so: Dungeon Environments - not only because it works thematically, but also because the distance from
civilization adds that nimbus of: "Oh my god, if I'd get lost now, who would find me?". And for similar reasons I was extremely uncomfortable about prostituting myself as BDSM slave/sub. Rather than trust
there is 'all and everything' that might go wrong - so - whenever one of us was doing that, someone was asked to regular go and check. Which is - really ... just a small comfort.
To me, Dolcett is less about being Masochistic, and more about being Devote. (Which is probably why I have less 'explicit Masochistic', yet more "generally Devote" wishes.) Devote to being a whore - in
some mindset of knowing or not wanting to know anything else. Uhm ... not the right way of putting it. Kindof. I mean - at this point its just vaguery.
The point I wanna get at is that its at first some identity inside of me - and in some rudimentary sense I can live with the comparison of 'craving for attention'; Although there one has to keep in mind
that I had BDSM Kinks coming up way before I had an Orgasm or understood the concept of Sex or even Love; And in general there is also 'shame' associated to expressing those desires/fetishes that makes it
less ... a matter of 'actually' looking for any attention at all. And here Dolcett is certainly "deeper" than normal BDSM when it gets to "social Levels". I mean - its easier to speak about your fetishes
once everyone around you is practically the same. So, there is that Level of a social environment; Where I could vibe with, yet being silent about what I truely want (if I even knew!).
And so, what I wanted to achieve is to move this Kink into a 'solely expressionistic thing' - saying or arguing that the death-wish(es) it/themself aren't real to any practical ends; Even if they are/were;
Just for sake of argument. I mean, getting killed isn't something you easily recover from the next day! So - in the normal logic of being a member of society that whole Kink cannot be taken all that seriously!
By the way: I'm not writing this in relation to my own ... but I wanna get this as generally applicable on anyone who has the same Kink as possible. So, I'm "sidestepping" myself.
All in all: When then moving on to filter from that Kink everything that cannot be done - whats left is the situation of being a slave that is nothing; Has no rights - in the sense that it is already sentenced
to death. So rather than being specific to dieing - the death is just some "pseudo eventuality" taken as 'shining example' of how deep that Kink/Devotion goes; So - as putting it up as 'without a doubt', that
the focus is on those 'using' the slave, as for them to have it their ways; And less so oriented towards trust - as - the individual would not expect any kind of respect.
The reason now I mentioned this, is because of what Love does. In that sense - this Love (Aeon) isn't a really complex thing. Its 'atomic' - and thereby not the parts connected to your wanting or thinking.
So, "Love is dumb". You can dig it this way: Look around yourself - find something - and then move to take a closer look on it. This 'zooming in' - that is Love. And all that Love does, in that instance,
is changing your perspective on that thing. It just gets larger - and as your intent to "Love it" continues - visible in more detail.
But then - Love is complicated. I mean - to get back to the "gitting gud" at Video Games: Getting Better at a fighting game is kindof a problematic thing. So I have fresh experiences due to 'For Honor'.
At first - the reason why you don't "just win"; Except you have the talent or luck; Is because in 'fair game' you'll have to be better at the game than you opponent and your will to become better only slightly
improves you. Its a small starter. It doesn't help though if you expect to win on that basis. The bothersome part is: "How" to become better. So - a game has its 'basics' - and I don't mean to get in-depth
with that as I at points am only para-phrasing what I've heard here and there; So, to skip on all that: Eventually you get to a point where you at least think you know everything you need to know - but you
still suck! And eventually its even a matter of knowing "little secrets" - like, something thats nowadays a fundamental part of Street Fighter has originally just been a glitch (mistake) - and those that
didn't know it were clearly not in the advantage! But so there has to be knowledge of 'what' goes into the games play; And that further imposes the whole 'learning' bit. Well - yea - of course! But all that
Love can do is to take you closer to any of the things you see - what you don't see (yet) cannot be Loved. So the idea: If you 'Loved' Street Fighter enough - you'd eventually discover that glitch yourself.
Maybe. At least thats sortof the idea.
Now - once a game is new you'd at first learn the 'absolute basics' - next to which there is 'advanced' stuff. In for honor the basics were: How to move, strike and block - while in the advanced section we
get to blocking a guard-break. The reason why one would split it that way is because before you should bother to practice blocking a throw/guard-break you first need some 'useful' understanding of when and
where it occurs - while the most of that is a game of the basics. In for honor now the timing to properly block a guard-break is kindof odd - it makes sense in some way, but its really odd. You have to press
the button 'after' the opponent already touches you, but before its too late ... kindof. So, after I finished the tutorial I was confident to go into the fight - but while I so was struggling on with the
basics I did'nt have a solid understanding of the right timing. And while so occupied with getting used to the basics; Or to be somewhat threatening with them; this 'Love' shoved all Love for learning the
ins and outs of guard-breaking 'aside' - so - to the point that I couldn't see 'what' I could practice in order to get any better. I mean - the thought has been there ("go back to the tutorial and practice
it") - but eventually I first had to be 'ready' for it. Now, outside of the mysteries of winning - being good at it certainly improves the odds!
(Random throw-in: Rock-Music has to become mainstream again because there is nothing worse than mainstream Hip-Hop/Funk/Soul ... if we can call it that way! [featured soundtrack: R.E.M. - Loosing my
Religion])
This by the way is another example for Love. I heard the PS4 humming as I turned it on first - but then went into writing. Then I wondered what to do - felt: "Music would be nice" - but then, "what music?".
So I had a strange desire for Rock - "you know" - something with an actual melody and rythm and all that - I mean, that ... 'rolling' and 'rocking' ... which hasn't ever been my genre by the way ... and so
I picked the one I felt most comfortable with. And yea - its an appropriate song; Cool Video! Now I got that in contrast to 'The Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch' - which ... is less appropriate but OK!
But its not all ... always ... ... I digress. Or how does 'every Breath you take' fit into this? (Thats where I'm leaning back to Funk!) (I'm somewhat allergic to Love Songs!)
Oh yea ... "love" song. Makes me wonder: How do desires (passions/obsessions) relate to Love? I mean - yea. Such an obvious question to ask!
For that my first insight is that 'mindset' is a thing to be compared to some magical 'web'; So - like in a Sci-Fi movie once some drones are setup dispensed accross space so anything that moves into the
vicinity gets caught in some stasis field. So - we could also compare it in some sense to magnetism. Your mindset has some 'center' that your "ego" is constantly getting drawn into. While on higher levels
of detail there is a lot more. Like ... "vibe". Or some inability to rest. And it is possibly that; Our constant inner motions; That make us consciously or subconsciously 'want' someone to ... 'vibe with'.
As, once in company and everyone moves - there is no question as for "what to do with your unrest" ... not as much anyhow - as the folks you do vibe with; Got that vibe you ... can resonate with.
Another thing: Now watching one of those rock videos (Aerosmith - Crazy) - I got to say/ask/wonder: How real is 'it' - the depiction of "stuff" - like, images you wanna put some (rock?) music underneath -
or just in simplicity that "Rock Flair" as presented on stage? The thing being: Is it fake just coz its on TV? It is strongly related to Kinks and stuff like that.
Its as between being high and sober. Being sober, none of that 'extasy' would make any sense. And you don't necessarily need drugs to get to a high like that. (Music correlates to Life as Life to Music! ;))
So ultimately the thing is that 'Love' doesn't have much choice. We have a choice about what we/to Love - though depending on the thing with various degrees of freedom. I mean, one of the main reasons I think
I'm writing any of this; No matter how obvious; Is because I'm in a place where I have access to some things the ordinary person wouldn't. I mean, as by 'smarts'. So, to make a mathematical discovery for instance
you have to move your mind into math-issues. If your mind cracks at the sight of numbers or x's and y's and Sigma n=? what the ... - you possibly won't though! As remote as what I then from time to time write
about may be; As insignificant may it be in the big picture - but that is then just the "music" I make nonetheless.
OK, enough with that.
While this little segment on music certainly tore me out of my loop - its good for now. Saying: Right now its a thing that tears me out of my loop, as games do too, saying: I have a source of legitimate
fun - sotospeak - but what takes me 'back' is that thats really what it is. A break. I get some feeling in my heart once I eventually take something too serious - like overestimating the amount of fun I
can take out of a game. Thats pretty much along the lines of: 'There is no end'. Whenever we are where we wanted to be - time still will continue to flow.
Influence is yet another thing relating to Love. Say, a famous person takes a political stance. What is the influence of that? In general I'd say that it'd be polarizing - some approved and others not.
So - you would on that observation not say that this person really influenced anyone to think that same way. More-over: That persons fans would change. Some would "unsubscribe" while others would do
subscribe - while left are those that didn't have a strong oppinion on that matter. There it were the fan that then takes the statement to mind and is more sympathic to the idea. But at that point one
doesn't really 'think', like in 'words'. Its more like an internal mumbling that eventually adapts the idea or not. And that is Love within a mindset - so - where it isn't just 'one' thing that is looked
upon, but many things with individual stuff going on while the person would look for some balance.
So once phrased properly it comes down to an "Ah yea, that makes sense" - or, in a more harmless sense: Being pro LGBT - you wouldn't react with a philosophical transscript of how being pro LGBT is a good
or a bad thing - you'd be like: "Yea, thats a good attitude to have" or "faggot!". But what is eventually accomplished is that ideas get consolidated - yet.
So - the thing now is that all these things - they ... mean soemthing. The point is for me now that this established sense makes it difficult for me to go back into it as how things were. I can sotospeak
have my Kink without being constantly bothered by trying to make sense of it. And thats really how it should be.
Contemporary Conclusions of Sanity
2017.02.23|10:05
Beneath Perfection
A wildly unrelated story: During my times in elementary school we've been on a trip to our partner-town in France, Montbelliard, and on our way there visited a Chocolate expo. It was more like a show though.
Someone came on stage, introduced the chocolate they had and everyone could try. So there was that one guy dressed like a Mexican who had some strange ... I think it was some honey-chocolate mix; I just
relate to it as strange since I was the only one; I guess; Of my class; Who actually liked it. It was my favourite - while the rest thought it was disgusting. So, unless its reasonable to accuse my entire
class there of malice; I have to see that disagreements happen. So, to my understanding it is 'ALWAYS' problematic to be like: "This is shit". Like, there literally is no excuse! But so is it 'ALWAYS' bad to
win at a competition because the other one(s) loose(s)! And so is competition always bad! But it makes no sense to produce a chocolate en masse that only a slim minority would bother to eat.
(Damn, thats some old old music! "Rhythm is a dancer"). Old because - thats been in about the first song I can remember outside of what my 'Childhood Bubble' would be.
Anyhoo -
This previous bottom line is however not perfect. Thinking of what I wrote - some things are above and some below the line. Speaking of taking it into religion for instance; Thats far 'below' - where 'above'
is 'normality'. But even so trying to be specific about the own emotions, passions, desires, whatever - like, what I need or ... "the atmosphere of my mind" ... thats something ... well yea; Its inherantly
free and purposefully 'unbound' - so, there is no consideration of a 'Bottom line of sanity'. So we can say there is a Vacuum of sorts - eventually - here and/or there - saying that what you'd draw on that
'bottom line of sanity' were just a shadow yet - of my true 'reality' ... thing. But further is reality something ... how to say ... it binds us together. It gives us a common base. Fire burns, itches itch,
bumping your head sometimes hurts more than other times, ... and squashing your fingers or toes in some door is amongst the worse things (we normally/to) suffer.
Like we ... want ... or like ... appreciate? ... some constants - like, Gravity would suck if it were arbitrary! Maybe. It could be fun though. But - on the long run ... constant is good!
Which ... actually ... makes me no smarter. It confuses the heck out of me!
That said: I don't have a real need to express myself any 'deeper'. I mean - being a "shadow" or vacuum is good enough (not focussing on what is beneath, but on the line); Which means: It opens the space
for whatever my Kink would lead me up into. And thats where I am ... well ... pretty much ... left clueless. I guess some time will have to pass again. Leaving this on: 'Corona - Baby Baby' (never heard of
it!).
10:39
Subspace Vacuum