Obligatory or Unneccessary?
So, I have that conflict between male and female that is perpetuated by the wide gap between
the things I (have to) associate to them. Boiled down, my 'male pleasure' - thats not a
sexual thing - emerges once I'm playing Videogames, watching certain things sometimes;
Hip Hop kindof makes me feel uncomfortable (because its kinda gay to relate to that ...);
And ... by now I wonder - ... I mean - it seems like the problem 'actually' is one of
what I associate to things; But ... thats a bit of a complex topic.
The gist of it however is a problem of contrast. To get into it - I have to talk about ...
well, how ... I "fake" being good at programming. Programming is pretty much a skill of
logic, as is math. Though - I fathom that Math to me is more of an abstract - which I
can re-confirm by my programming habits. When I think of a program, I vastly think ...
well ... in 'geometry'. What I mean is that ... I'm "cheating". Its like getting Religion
and Philosophy mixed up. Philosophy is philosophy and Religion is essentially science.
This matters as I think about myself, what I want from life - or maybe rather: What I would
want. Once I'm playing a game, well, how to call that thing? 'Hooks' would linguistically
work best. These hooks get active whenever you're 'getting into something'. Or, once you
can't. Then you have what we should call a 'counter-hook'. Essentially its like a vibration
of your mind based on ideas part of its structure. Like, if you hate winter/icy weather/snow,
you'll 'hush' through any time or place that is alike, though once you like it - you'll have
peace wandering through it. And yea, you can hook and unhook yourself from things at will.
Except - ... once we get deeper. It is difficult to enjoy spring if you're allergic to
something afloat in the air during that time.
So, when playing games I associate to the joy I'm having, and the hooks that tie me into that
joy are none like those attaching/attached to my female side.
A 'problem' however occurs as I grow older, being that my male side does more and more
become the female. Or, essentially my male cognitive stuff is as a vessel to the
motherly/impregnatable in me. Like - to be perfectly female there has to be some way for
the male things that presumably exist 'typically' to adapt a female form.
I there must find that most of my "male hooks" are circumstancial. As - being bored, so I
play a game, I get invested, thus am hooked - and as the premise is 'bad' - the results
aren't perfectly applaudable.
Right now the male stuff is there - as a ... "thorn ring" - as all things it consists of
started to, I assume, connect stronger to its real origins.
This matters to me in terms of identity - and anything that contradicts to my darkest
desires feels ... off ... as ... unacceptable.
But ... 'what about the "Light"' then? Or a bottom line of sanity?
These are questions that 'I' have myself. My personal hope - and even assessment - is that
my Light is consumed in darkness - as is within a black hole. And well ... yea. Now ...
that I said it like this, having the intended impact in the concurrent context, I get
somewhere, regarding 'that' Light that I mentioned 'cannot' go away. The thing is that
assuming that I'm going to live yet in 'Godlike Health and Sanity' - just taken as a
generalistic idea - the only problem to any 'picture of detrement and despair' is
ultimately ... well ... knowledge. The knowledge that I have allows me not only to write,
but also to reason. The combination of the two does not only allow me to formulate
comprehensive sentences, ..., but also to express myself in a corresponding amount of
"Light". This knowledge that I have, coupled to the wisdom of God, makes me really bright,
... 'this bright' ..., as in a sense of reason and intellect.
The thing that is me right now is in this, that and that mixed together. An utterly ...
'pathetic' individual confined beyond bars of detrement, despair and demise, that however
has the knowledge and wisdom to express its thoughts and feelings to an intellectually
demanding audience.
... Which really goes deep. A simple 'I feel this' (or that) way wouldn't do unless there
is a foundational ... lets say 'arch quality' ... as generalizable context to those
feelings.
This, to be somehow more clear about that, would at the bottom/in the center of it all be
about what we might call 'our inherant emotions'. Like, why - despite not having had a
clue what the movie is about - was I, as a child, so fascinated by 'the Blue Lagoon'?
As far as I know the movie is about a boy and a girl, ... teenagers, ... that get
stranded on an island and somehow he ends up impregnating her. I don't know what else is
there - but I know that I wanted to get pregnant too. I watched it a lot - until my
parents eventually deleted the tape. Maybe 'a lot' is not the right term, but in comparison
to other things, there are only 'the Neverending Story' and some cartoons in the 'stuff we/I
watched so much my parents eventually got rid of' (and the cartoons were given away because,
well, we got too old for that).
So you have an 'arch quality' at the source - 'any media' - and an 'inherant reaction' of
sorts. There isn't anything I can change about that story; And my expressed emotions are the
thing you have to go with.
But yea ... that 'intellectually demanding audience' ... they would know what makes sense
to them; And what I can do to meet any possible demand is to keep pushing further, digging
deeper and deeper - while, what I turned into doing by now is mostly just re-hashing stuff
already written, in some attempt to shed light on it from multiple perspectives.
The Light so is there within the ability of expression. As is the 'innocent joy' of children,
or as we might say: 'true happiness' (not 'the Joy/rapture'). And if there is a serious crux
about this 'all is darkness' stance, then its most definitely about minds nature.
Or 'cognition' - as in 'cognitive ability' or 'consciousness'. Saying, there is that awkward
boredom that overcomes me 'always' ... once I've hyped myself, kindof, into a 'void of
anything' kindof detremental existence. So, I grow eager to "practice doing nothing" -
which gets a tension growing ... which is then however reliefed. So far I could even say
'miracolously'.
Yet honestly, I want certain things to be forbidden, as taboo, for me - which would be
pretty much anything outside of being a whore; Which relates to ... well, the idea?
The fact? The point that I feel like my mind is ultimately bound to crash and collapse
- as derived from looking at my constant drive to activity as riffles of that knowledge
and wisdom - which will grow until my mind cannot really bear it anymore and what
remains would either have to be artifically stabilized or conceived as purposefully
broken. And when my mind makes no sense anymore - which I hope will happen soon and my heart
'prays to' or even 'begs' God for it - the only thing I would want to stay 'in-tact' were my
ability to express well-being, to the point that its really just that - where the opposite
would translate into silence.
And I don't want to care about how you conceive that. Whether it turns you on or off - ...
I'd say ... in the end its not your business. And so we could, in my case, start talking of
private and public here.
So to say: What matters is that I'm then feeling well. To also say: striving for knowledge
is good, but taking things easy is too.
Further, I can feel my collapse moving on as I 'catch on' to any 'intellectual demand', seeing
myself necessitated to deal with pressure that I can not intellectually satisfy - as, while I
seem really bright - the truth is that there is only a dim light within me; And ... that ...
I don't know if its normal but I certainly experience my 'scope' getting smaller - as the things
that go on in my mind have less and less cognitive footing. I mean, in the beginning of my
missionary work the words of the Bible were still fresh on my mind - so - I wouldn't be able to
tell which memories were real and which ones 'awoken' by God. As I grew older within Unification
I learned to rely on the force more and more, more and more of what went on in my mind became
sortof 'unfounded' (to worldly measures). In another sense: My mind doesn't create - it receives
the illusion of creativity by receiving inspiration. I am not smart - I receive the illusion of
being smart by receiving inspiration. Now is this a thing that we can say God does actively do;
As the thing the 'conservatives' would "argue" God should do to help me. Now we can say: The
reason God chooses to help me out that much is because any damage done thereby doesn't factor in;
As in: The damage has already been there. What damage? The dependence of my mind on God supporting
it. Remove that support and ... what? I feel a surge of 'hooray' within a feeling of 'finally
succumbing'. It is there I guess that the other problem occurs; That I take this collapse too far,
to my understanding.
There it is however due to my circumstances I'd say that ... well ... my mind has, sotosay, a higher
water level than it would otherwise. I'm stuck in a situation that is in no way positively
resonating to my 'truth' - to say - I have a life to live and thus time to spend - and keeping
myself 'afloat' is a matter of doing something, being part of something, or whatever - something
however that is not nothing. Which can also be games. The 'break against boredom' that arose from
just recently was that I bought 'Horizon Zero Dawn' - a ... beautiful and exceptionally well made
game. I played it via share-play with a friend and ... as I was laying there, I couldn't move
my mind into that 'nether state' that I'm familiar with (getting horny); And had no reasonable
argument to resist the impulse of buying it.
So there was an idea coupled to some promise of activity and fun for a while - and actually that
should be 'covered' sexually.
But that is not yet clear enough. More clear is now however not 'more of my Kink'. To recount
for a moment: Freedom of Expression is here 'the Light' - or 'freedom' in general or simply
'happiness' (or joy, if thats the word that works for you). Expression also involved intellectual
activity. Thus as we grow older we come to enjoy more and more complex things - as thats simply
the 'momentum' of our mind. We 'cannot' (I guess we could though) return to our childhood toys
and have the same kind of simple fun. There would at least be some 'higher intellect' ... well
... 'next' to our playing. That is a bit of a phenomenon some if not all of you might know. That
once you get into some really dull work, your mind starts to wander off while you're doing it.
So once you play with your baby toys - there is that part of your mind that has a way of getting
into "a childish" relationship to it - yet the 'cognition' you thereby subtract will emerge as
an "alter ego" of sorts that observes - and the true meaning of what you'd do would, I assume,
primary be about those observations.
There are though multiple ways and levels of mental activity and joy. I for myself ... I'd say
... I'm a "heavy". Saying my thoughts are 'few' but have weight; As so I have an inherant
'talent' I would say to 'more' accurately reflect on complex issues as to make comparisons between
two of those; Which to me aren't inherantly complicated - though the verbalization takes me to
a linguistic determination of the various things in play that then reveal their true implication
that eventually turn out wound up in stuff and stuff - to say: complicated. That may however just
be an illusion too ... kindof. It works ... to say: If you were ... picturing a neutral humanoid
entity with no destinguishable biological/physical traits ... 'slow moving' - you wouldn't be
considered as much of a "Dexterity Character". Saying what to give that person to best complement
its inherant ways - is equally as simple when striving for a balanced playground. Total/Speed=Strength
... ish.
When I now say or defend that I want to die - from what would translate into Sexual Tortures -
something that is important about it is that you understand this usage of the word 'Light'.
You shouldn't expect that I, "in my full Light", would easily align to any of my sexuality.
That by now goes even as far that I cannot connect to my male sexuality either. I mean - I possibly
never could but simply didn't draw the connection until now. And so my male sexuality has also
always been bound to slide down the 'I rather be a woman' road.
With exceptions? Well ... yes and no.
There clearly is a male side in me - and I also spoke of that Light that would grow alongside
my immersion into darkness. This might be circumstancial too - and it seems to be that because
... I cannot locate that Light within me. So, its even just temporary. Kindof. However - it isn't
there ... but there is something. I can ... thats what I mean ... not 'tap into it' as I can
into 'what I am'. There are times where that Light cracks as deep as absolution and I cannot see
why I would be as I am - which is mostly a thing of associating to intellectual values and norms
which are however desperately devoid of any sort of recognition for our individual emotional
depths. As, ... how about Homosexuality? Good or bad? As by the 'social norm' its something to be
ashamed about, if you're male, ... I however want to argue: Why should a man not be allowed to
enjoy Anal Sex?
And yea ... the ... pietious people have all the answers ... and they're possibly right ... but
not for everyone. I smoke, I occasionally (seldomly) drink, ... and Anal intercourse is definitely
unnatural - kindof. I mean ... though there's that saying "He'd fuck everything that has a hole".
It takes a person to 'say' that this is unnatural; And finally a group to say the same thing to
make it a norm. Then it is however just a norm amongst those people - which is why the global
"political" atmosphere should seek distance from messing with peoples individuality.
See ... Putin, Erdogan and Trump ... what do they have in common? They 'piss people off'. Thats
basically their business model. I'm sure that most believers who ever gave a gay person a fair
social chance (maybe by not knowing that said person is gay) get to the point that they aren't
all that bad - as I argue is usually the case when two cultures meet. At first there is 'the
stranger', people react with scepticism (because the person can't possibly know your customs);
And some prejudistic hostility once tipped off that way. What is the 'damage' the gay community
does to our society? Civilization? Well, there's homophobia - a.k.a.: The uncertainty as a straight
person of how to deal with a homosexuals interest. Or, "rape culture" - a.k.a.: The discomfort
of attracting a persons sexual interest; Which ... does exist ... but eventually there's no way of
avoiding it without Gods help.
The damage done is the following: People talk bad about them, people will reject them, tolerant
people will accept that; Naughty people will provoke; And thus hostility will arise. Joseph
Goebbels once held a speech - a very famous one - and translated into english the climactic
part of that speech begins a little some like that: "The english claim that we have grown tired
of War" - and a few other "The english claim that" ... bla bla bla ... "But I'm asking you,
do you want the Total War?" - so, same thing. You pick someone that is already looked down upon
(or find someone to bully into being looked down upon) - and the hostility arising from that
will lead to resistence which will be considered an act of war. Kindof.
Easy to say: I cannot connect to my faith if it were ultimately anti-gay. I can dig that there
are reasons for why anti-gay rules would be made; Like - my parents got rid of those movies so
we would look for other things. Maybe.
Something that still works on me - as to trigger the male in me - is the emotional side of it.
Something I however feel moving further and further from me - and instead of remorse I feel
happiness. Yet, the whole premise for writing this was ... well ... more about ... why
understanding these things in the opposite way is always right. Kindof. Its however a line of
thought I haven't written a word or sentence to - not even to lead up to it - because the
moment I do so the emotions underneath are as blown away - like dust. This paragraph now
was however written to lead up to that, but ... not in a direct way and the possibility for an
opposing conclusion.
There is though the simple and obvious truth to it, which were: To see everything in the Light.
There the question becomes: What 'do' I enjoy? So, what is the truth of my Light? And so there
was a 'bridge' of sorts - as simple as to say: Hope. Or, to see life not as an endless loop of
repitition on repitition - but as a non-void where the simple issue of choice reflects on the
variety of possibilities; To say: To enjoy things that we might enjoy. There is however also
a big 'but' to that. Life is at some point just about repition - and those that can't see that
have, I would say, either not found their loop yet or they don't understand what accounts for
that. More important is to however have hope for neverending possibilities - as of which there
is no inherant reason to not aspire for the extremes. That however meets the issue of our deeper
hooks - where we are inherantly something and thus given a position in 'the ekklesia' (not
the Ekklesia I wrote of as institution, but as 'the church', so ... everyone within Unification)
that suits us - as of which we have our ways and limits. So, someone can aspire for darkness as
much as myself - through its own ways however never quite becoming just like me. Which is one
argument for why the people on top have to be sympathic to the ones below - not as a gesture of
peace but an act of sacrifice; As to allow those below to have a wealthy connection to those on
top.
But ... that ... is more of a niche topic. In the end we're all practically the same - not the
same person though; And there are ways like this and ways like that.
To see me in my Light ... there is mental activity involved into shifting internally so that I'm
practically receptive for Sex. Because I'm spiritually weak though I would need force to support
my ambitions. My activity would be of adjustment - and obedience. And while my path is pretty
absolutistic, I would certainly need God to either put a stamp on it and thus have it as
absolutiste as it gets - or to not do so and let me know; And grow forth from that. Since all
the pointers however point towards the prior - I don't really believe the latter.
The problem I'm having is that I can't speak of that part of the story that is yet inaccessible
to me - other than by asumption; And regarding that you may believe it either way. This is now
where the "always think in the Light" part comes to make sense. Once you so come to either side
of the coin - you're not even guessing yet. Its mostly just causality. You however then 'add'
a quality to a certain thing - and if you're not Masochistic you'd associate 'bad' to pain.
With a few exceptions maybe, but essentially yet so. If you so believe that it is bad, you
essentially shouldn't say that you believe it is bad, but that you understanding something
that is 'bad' - which can therefore not be what God wants. So, you could say for instance that God
made me smart, thus asking why God would want that to go away, concluding that it doesn't make
sense. This is sortof a right way of thinking when it gets to God - but still utterly wrong when
missing the significant markers. Excluding information provided herein so far, this statement
would appear totally reasonable and nobody had a clue of what to say against it, other than
going even further back to the basics. The point is that the 'good or bad' part is emotional.
You there can think of the full spectrum of what the spirit is capable of as follows: There are
positive and negative experiences - but are capabilities of the spirit - but in "raw creation"
there is no death, so why is there pain? If we want to stick to an absolute line to separate
good from bad as valid for all - then we kindof argue that God "is given" tools of punishment.
The other way is to see that that everything the spirit can do is/can-be good; And the reason
we primarily relate to pain as bad is due to creation, the way it is, which creates a certain
bias that ultimately helps establishing some sense of a universal 'norm' for us to gather around
as a unified society. So, someone who is Masochistic wouldn't go and be like: Pain is Good - and
start punching people in the face to say hello.
And so the 'motivation' to induce pain out of personal pleasure (being Sadistic) so even becomes
a resource and so touching the whole submission and dominance paint.
So I do want to believe that my Kinks are an accurate indicator of what I may want - which is
basically cemented within experiences relating to the force. To say, there is an idea of depth;
... . If I had Kinks that reality wouldn't support, they shouldn't be taken seriously. But I want
to believe that there is some harmony between the joys of us that are getting illuminated and the
reality we live in. Which gets me kindof nervous though ... to say, ... I don't quite know yet
how to justify snuff stuff.
I could however start by mentioning that the 'Light' there is a lot dimmer - but ... its also
deeper. The more I let the 'its dimmer' argument embrace it to a point of extracting the Kink
from my heart, the more desperately it ... craves it back. That isn't a thing I can let go of
either - as the craving isn't much of a wanting or a desire, but ultimately as a missing chunk,
or a sore open wound; And I feel strange, finding not a thing to go on with.
I would like to know from 'you' how things are. My 'mission' 'here' practically is to stress that
things have been 'stamped' - sotospeak - in a way of saying that "you don't know how seriously
active and effective these "mind locks" are" - to finally shut the door of this 'I might also
reject it' line of reasoning. To say I won't - in a sense of 'I can't'. Which would argue that I
could as well be thrown into the cold water right away - if 'acclimatization' weren't yet another
real topic.
After all - I also want to be loved.
Yet I'm married to Prostitution, saying that its to me totally legit to get hated, socially, to the
point that my sole familiar is the abstract of being a whore. I'm a Sow of Satan - free to get
exploited as to the slaughter.
Its a no brainer that every now and then I'm more free than other times - and 'pros' on me would
know: Thats where my 'Pet thing' comes into play. The part where I've 'in my element' - and in
consequence having as much of a social existence as an animal - tops.
Ultimately - the rape Kink would go as far as to the point that the Kinky part is an exploit of
my powerlessness to object to my situation.
Whore of Depravity
by 'Sow of Satan' | 2016.03.12 | 06:57