LOL. Pragmatism works different. I'm ... ahead of myself - but - I kindof got nothing else to do ... so ... well.
I feel like there is still that glaring issue about me that telling anyone the story ... yea ... well, ... OK - I mean, so far people would
seem to have had success - as I suggested - telling their own story. OK. But yet there is that ... at some point, well - its kindof a pain in
the ass ... that there is 'the One' ... thing ... but ... you got to dodge the issue because its mostly nasty stuff that nobody can properly
talk about, defend or relate to - and yea, well.
So, there's another topic that I was about to write:
An experiment
I wonder: If I told you exactly how I'm gonna code my game, or which design/programming ... things
... will go into it - so, revealing all the things I'm actually afraid to loose - will that
... change anything?
Well, actually I'm kindof starting to get mentally back to that distant point in the past where the whole goal was to finish my game, become
successful - be famous - and that'd be a pretty decent story. But things kindof turned out differently. Instead of being strong and finishing
my game I turned out weak and utterly incapable of making any sense whatsoever out of anything that I was doing.
The first thing that comes to my mind - asking for reasons - is ... well ... World of Warcraft. Thinking about Duke Nukem Forever ... thats
been around "that time" ... but I have to reject that idea since I've done what I could - in pieces - always ending up with some sortof
half-satisfactory semi-mysti-bugged result (or entirely mysti-bugged, later I figured it would become entirely mysti-bugged so I could also
stop (mysti-bug: Bugs I couldn't explain. Rather 'errors' that popped up for no reason. And I wasn't used to writing large chunks of complex
code between compiling my work. So, sometimes its only about simple snippets that I could remove and it worked - so - the source of the
problem wasn't evasive - practically speaking. Practically there was no way certain things could have caused an error, but they did. My go
to example would be the ... first or second? So, my code used one single pointer referring to a class where all the important variables and
stuff would be located on. Nothing too extraordinary. So, there'd be a variable - like lets say a boolean - which is either 'true' or 'false'
- and also I would "hack" some of the actual VR content into it. Like a cue of handles to stuff thats 'on the map'. So, I use that class for
pretty much everything - and so - I wouldn't have gotten to rendering any stuff on the map if that class wouldn't be accessible. So, then I
went on and added a variable (and it wasn't an out of memory issue because the variable wasn't at the end of the class) - to be used to control
... I'm not sure anymore but so I went on if(class->variable stuff) ... and error. IF there were some memory overlap due to sloppy memory
management (you don't know me) that wouldn't have caused such a problem. ... And in hindsight ... those errors occured frequently - pretty
early on I had a time where I couldn't get anything to work actually ... which were like the "dark ages" (3 month of cluelessness))) - ... .
The story there would be obvious. As simple and non-suggestive as possible: God wanted me - for some reason - to not continue. The story
went on that years later I would get ideas that I previously hadn't thought about and would take me to pretty much restart anyway ... sortof ...
and I guess the one argument that works for me to see the fault in me is that the code wasn't good enough and yea ... thats the point I get.
I wouldn't need to start at the beginning if I could rework the code I had to the desired outcome ... but well ... so, why didn't I get inspired
for that? Well - opposed to getting inspired I got "de"spired ... sortof. So, "Deus Vult".
And obviously, not having anything to do made me think about my life, who I am, what I was, etc. - so - existencial problems that I think I have
covered to a really really ... really ... really really ... 'abysmally' deep extent. Which now actually brings yet another topic/issue to my mind
that I had on mind for some time that I meant to throw in here and there during the recent writing sessions; Which are Visions of sorts that kindof
showed to me how my life could have went, if I had sortof ... 'demanded' things to be as ... well ... "you" would have been alright with. The most
recent one showed me, well, my potential future wife. The core issue there is work. Right now I'm not in a condition to think about finding a job,
but certainly there's at least logically the chance that I might get myself turned around - so, I'd be more appealing ... well, thats not really
the problem. Habits are. So, that kind of appeal - or - being so that it'd realistically work - and I'd have work, have a wife, children ... but
all those stories end the same way: I overlooked something and due to that the story ends with failure. To understand that failure, well, I
don't have a proper example to that. But clearly - if I had a successful e-sports carreer there's a lot of stuff I couldn't do ... same with
running a Software Company.
I understand that this isn't entirely satisfying - couldn't it be so or so ... but however, running a Software Company or sporting an e-sports
carreer wasn't ever anything I thought of in this "write a game and be successful" idea. Having a wife and kids - thats the thing I dreamed of
before I became a good believer again ... so this storyline has the most appeal to me ... but it makes sense to me that I would have to go out
of my way to do things to get there - and if God tells me however that thats not what I wanted or what He wants or so ... well, I'm not going to
argue with God! I did that extensively before I've gotten past my first big "Love delusion" ... because I thought I had a right in that Love ...
and whatever made me change my mind ... I learned to accept my fate sotospeak and not waste my time 'wanting' things that God isn't on the same
page with.
The its also quite simple: What do I have now compared to those 3 alternatives? I'm not stuck in any sort of legal bonds or attachments or
responsibilities - and I'm not living a life that ignores the very basics of human individuality and independence. It'd be stories of me
defieing Gods will, even so, ... which I couldn't easily claim for after all it'd have happened as it happened and I'd be easily identified as
a hustler or something.
Maybe the failure would have just been personal and nothing significantly bad for you individually all things considered, ... but now we anyhow
got 'the real story' - which is certainly an absolute as far as history is concerned. Regarding that however I tend to wonder, why not simply
come up at me and talk to me? Is there even just one who knows of me? Or keeping track of any kind? I mean, I don't check my traffic - last time
I did however there were clicks from all over the place. Israel and Russia included. And ... Majestic 12.
But mysterious activities began a lot earlier. So, I suppose that various Intelligence/Military people have an eye on me - and that mostly because
of the Eden thing at first ... so, I'm on some list - of whatever kind. Uhm, as I mentioned ... my Eden discovery went to the German Armored Forces
as part of my argumentation as to why I didn't wanna join. But, ever since I got out of ... well, no ... actually there already ... I couldn't help
but assume that they're having a close eye on me ... whoever 'they' are. And ... my guesses would be as good as yours. Aside of blurry shadows ...
... there isn't much. Though the atmosphere ... OK, I was about to say is generally positive but ... there then also were a lot of Bullshit going
on, like ... "Que wawa wee Que wawa wa" - so, arguments and such. Otherwise, or per se, I would assume however that due to what I 'did' per se people
should actually have tuned off - like, whats the point? And for a time that would have been the case; Just that ... the Bible, if I can take that
verse as applying on me, tells me that the floods won't wash me away; So ... I guess ... that means that I however am still magically there, somehow;
And - defying a lot of expectations. Even so - you now can literally not remove me anymore. Since 'the Door' opened. And other stuff ... which I'm
not gonna touch on because ... well, I'd rather just keep it at a silent apology regarding my impatience ... ish.
So - however - there is this ... "cloud of conflict" ... and regarding the Clarity topic I most of the time feel it as some kind of necessity; That
its the main reason why I'm kept from my programming; And that rather than backing off I had to double up. Seen on a layer of timelessness the
amount of depth that I went into ultimately could be compared to weight - so, or 'strength' ... no, 'work'/effort/energy ... uhm, "drilling it into
peoples heads" ... as well as mine > I'm ... sortof a proud person. I'd say I'm kindof vain, and people would laugh about that because I don't
seem like I care a lot about my looks - but the point is that I'm quite ashamed of my sexuality; And all these alternatives would basically cater
to that - as - being environments wherein I wouldn't be moved towards whats actually happening inside of me. That may be a reason why becomming a
YouTuber wasn't featured so far; Since, I'd come to talk and thus get into those topics; Thus either becoming a terribly unsuccessful douche or
realizing that I'd be wasting my time trying to run and maintain a channel as I'd get back in tune with the pace of the spirit. And well, I wasn't
ever truely considering any of those alternatives ... neither was there ever something as an offering - I guess. Anyhow ... I know why I'm doing
what I'm doing - at least most of the time.
Anyhow ... so, there's a lot in the 'dark' - and the true story would so be told by others; And how they perceived me, from the first impression to
the final conclusions; As they would also, when digesting my correspondence, be the actually driving ... thing ... "behind" why things happened as
they did. Otherwise ... the 'other story' ... to mention that real quick ... my story told would pretty much be every other Hentai flick ... sortof.
Maybe not the majority of hentai - but once its got rape or tentacles in it ... chances are high. Of course we're then not talking of real physical
rape or tentacles ... and the end of those stories is either the one where the Sex ends or where it doesn't. And obviously the good ending to me is
where it doesn't. And those aren't stories of any kind of success in the eyes of the 'normal crowd' - ... but ... I guess this doesn't need a lot of
coverage at this point.
Moving on - I think I have to clarify a bit more on the history of my programming ambition. Writing my own game wasn't my first choice. I didn't
consider to do some actual programming at first. I found that I had ideas - so it was only logical to assume that I should focus on that; So, as
the Bible would advise me. That parable with the Talents. It had an impact on me - as I didn't want to be that guy who burried its talents -
but the one who invested them and multiplied them. And multiplied the have - as I then did learn how to code, I did learn the math required rather
than sticking to my noob-ish ... well, I wanted to forget about that. But well, moving on to Quaternions and Tensor math - my mind sortof doesn't
compute ... but ... anyhow. I have a vision; And I don't think I'll need that. General Relativity doesn't belong in my Videogame. And since its
a game I don't need to simulate accurate rocket sciene either.
But there are challenges, but anyhow.
So, well. I did know QBasic ... and since Capcom nor Nintendo didn't want my creative talent; I ... thought ... well; Either someone's trashtalking
them away from what I tried to tell, or I was a bafoon at telling what I wanted to say - but so I moved on with my life ... and started writing an
interactive Letter using QBasic with some rudimentary animations to tell the story of the first Insight - for instance. That also ad-hoc, but ...
anyway. Its been a time during which I digested what had happened and what should happen - and the thought of the ideas I had didn't just vanish.
So there was that "vision" of sorts that suggested to me that 'my opponent' would have more convincing 'assets' to support his/her/their ideas -
so I started to write a 3D Model Editor in QBasic to then create some models to have some more to back up my creative talents and stuff ... whatever
... and it was actually quite a useful tool early on - as I could use it to create some simple meshes for my early C++/OpenGL stuff. My 'goal' however
was to 'not be alone'. So I would state that my actual focus is on religion and that I'd be focussing on that so I wouldn't be an ordinary employee
as to kindof say that their choice would be to however just support me. As that didn't work - I kindof went back to where I was. So I wrote ...
started writing that QBasic letter and hoped that the whole J.Lo thing would eventually yet end well and that it would work as base to expand from.
Then we get to the C++ phase and soon thereafter the dark phase; Which ended with me switching from 'Cereylla' to 'Agoraeyah' and so the ambition
to have a Planet instead of just a flat map. And actually ideas of what I could do and how I would have to go about it and what'd make sense and
such are still flickering through my mind ... so ... stuff I should certainly have a final stance on before I go and write any filetypes. Else, and
thats experience, I'd loose myself in a maze of versions and conversion algorithms - as ... it happened although I took care of storing a version ID
within my files.
With Agoraeyah my world slightly changed ... and ... effectively ... to the better. I mean, those days where I got my first Version of the Globe
Algorithm running were awesome. It was spring, it was good weather-y, ... and ... it filled my life with joy to work on it. That until I got drawn
to work as a prostitute. There was curiosity and pressure ... that drove me to it - and that did basically assimilate my mind ... or, we might say
that God simply 'closed the one faucet' and opened another. And I didn't have any weed at that particular moment; And these 'on and off' experiences
are so familiar to me that I cannot support any claims that my drug usage is to be blamed. But its that kind of trashtalk that keeps people busy
trying to figure out what is real now and essentially thats the most annoying part of it all.
So I did enjoy myself ... for a while ... and once I got back into programming firstly focussed on 'Crystals' rather than Agoraeyah. Ah, yea. It
was that I kindof got to the Mysti-Bug problem I described earlier - which was actually 'after' the dark phase. Much later. So, I thought I was up
to a good start but ... not - and so as the whole thing sortof "cumbled" ... I also got into Stargate and from there took some inspirations for an
Operating System. At that time I didn't get weed very often - and so it started sober. Once I got high I was again (again ... means: The MoA
drawings you can find on http://homebrew.daeryabaar.com were the first ... "blast" of inspirations to my work)
blasted with inspiration and those are pretty much the foundation for my work. Which ... if you know my work (which most people don't/wouldn't)
... coud be argued against - as - it doesn't seem to work out for me.
And so far I haven't come to move beyond a certain point - and rather than doing the work I want to do I feel like I'm doing my work to answer
questions; Though I never quite get to them.
I then write ... to explain to myself how certain things are supposed to work, and maybe I should share those thoughts.
But I chose not to because of Astair/Jinx issues. As ... its a two-edged blade. There's the side that of 'abusing' your reaction to my benefit;
And the side of getting Jinxed against. Well - so far the 'silent' way didn't work out though. At least when concerned of practical results.
But thats the thing that should work against theft of my IP. So ... I'll see once I get to start writing something.
The thing with MoA finally was and yet is that the 'joy' I get out of it - well - is pretty much one that isolates me. I have a peace that makes
me wanna expand on that ... nobody interfering into my ideas ... so its just me and God; And ... yet I feel like I need someone to help me. Not
really to help me design and code ... but to manage my thoughts.
That latter part is the whole core of all of my impatience and pounding on the issue that MoA and Crystals won't happen for as long as I'm alone.
So - except ... maybe the whole 'publishing my ideas' things may help me out ... though ... judging from how my writing is going ... it doesn't
seem that way. And so far ... most of what I've written to explain stuff to myself would seem OK, but never quite got me anywhere either. Maybe
for the IP theft reasons. I don't quite know.
Yet ... the social uncertainties are also really quite a burdain. Always having these puffs of ... conflict ... trashtalk and what not on my mind
that then usually triggers me to write something ... that really doesn't help it either!
And so, as an early impression I take it that the story to be told - gets convulated at some point; Which then were the part of some people to
clarify. Like, why should I be left guessing what they do to tell you what they do if they could do so more easily? It'd be OK 'if' I could
convince you that I'm actually clairvoyant - but - think about me getting successful - that wouldn't convince any of you that God had anything
to do with it since people who don't believe in God are successful too! And it doesn't matter how some small group of people assesses the
situation - a guy like the Amazing Atheist would be right in calling out that the whole idea/philosophy is a pile of horseshit!
Which is what I keep on telling as well! It doesn't to shit! The whole "God is with me beacuse I'm successful a.k.a. 'blessed'" nonsense - thats
what people like ... whoever is with J.Lo would go and brag about. Since they got nothing else going for them; And arguably they don't need
anything else going for them. Except ... they kindof do - I mean ... "failure to comply ..." and so on.
"Denial is the most predictable of all human responses".
In deed!
Its like 'default'.
For good reasons we might add.
And if you're waiting for me to "Uncloak Atlantis" - literally or metaphorically speaking - you can wait like ... until I got Atlantis ... which
may pretty much be ... like, when everyone else may have their own Atlantis too - so - fucking pointless.
I'd rather beam myself up and be off to some pradise planet ... anyhow ... maybe.
I mean - maybe I was Moses - and ... the whole 'rage' Moses had against the Israelite people ... thats sooooooo fucking relatable for me. It isn't
even personal - its just ... being impatient and ... being puzzled about how to deal with those people.
That though would make me a part of pretty much every major Biblical event - except for the flood and Babel ... except if I was there too. Where,
well, I don't quite 'know' who I was in my previous lives per se - except that I know that God called me 'John' - which was the one time that I
actually 'heard' God speaking to me ... though in a way that does leave it kindof ambigous whether it was God - as much as it is ambigous wheter
God was actually speaking to Moses. And that is important in regards of why God prefers to stay invisible. We couldn't tell - in the end. Even if
Christ returned with all the might of God - you could doubt that it is God; As some of you might doubt ("a") Gods involvement into the Matrix
stuff.
And now you see where the whole 'God blessed X and Y' nonsense comes in. "Because we cannot tell we need to find a way to tell ..." - but directly
asking God and taking the corresponding response for an answer ... "Not" because the Antichrist has the Keys ... and we got to believe that the
Testimony is fake because I apparently don't make any sense. Thats ... that part of the story. You can pretty much make the rest up - there isn't
too much ... I mean, the enemies position would be made up entirely anyway; And ... whatever you think of - chances are that they thought of it
too.
And in process of learning to respond to that nonsense I figured: I shouldn't tell you exactly what the Testimony is like or how to destinguish it
from fake because at the core you are supposed to not trust anyone but yourself and you got to come to the point where you have the certainty that
you did in deed find access to the divine. There is trust involved ... as trust in Gods existence and that God listens and all that ... but if you
now argued that this doesn't work for you - thats what I'm talking about. If it doesn't then it doesn't - so you got to ... 'temper your blade' ...
I mean ... its not some blind trust into thin air that does the trick - like jumping off a cliff to have Angels Catch you ... . I'm not saying that
this couldn't work ... but I wouldn't recommend it. Its like ... a science on its own - which ... well, in the cheapest form is an issue of necessity.
Does God need to catch you? Thats the question - and ignoring any other way doesn't remove those other options at all! Not knowing of other options
might work, but I'm quite sure that our natural instincts pretty much ... you know ... at least tell us that we maybe possibly should overthink it.
But now ... being simply ... as Mormons would rather come forth to say ... 'crunched' sotospeak ... as in "a pittiful pile of garbage" in some sense,
I mean ... you have to convince God to give you a revelation - thats basically the point; And if God only does so to people who will listen to it -
I believe there's gonna be more harmony. As, there's no point for God to tell you anything if you won't listen!
And the whole thing being nothing you could easily ... I mean, lets say God showed His face to you - how would you tell me that? How would you suggest
me to believe that? If we all had it ... I'm sure there'd be some Conspiracy theory that'd defy our understanding - and so God chose to create this
world ... and thats why we're stuck here. There is no other way!
And so, if you're still not convinced that "being blessed" isn't a thing ... read the Bible! I mean ... its full of stories about it! Job to begin
with. Isaiah 40 - the part with the idol - would also work. The story of Israels Exodus - God was pretty much omnipresent amongst them and yet ...
God had to swallow some of the folks up.
And then, once God demanded anything of anyone - stories I know don't convince me - and my experiences sortof support that - that people do by
default have that sufficient amount of respect from God to take His threats seriously. And so is there the point that God kindof has to anticipate
that we won't listen - and so, God telling you anything would ultimately inevitably lead up to God punishing you for not listening - so - again -
pointless!
And as far as the Bible moves on to tell us - the Revelation pretty much tells us that we have to be aware of this very thing ... and that so there
would be people who wouldn't live up to the expectations ... 'still' - even after 1000 years of peace - and I don't know what to say ... but that
the Bible is actually sortof open ended on those terms. Taken that the Revelation is written in Symbols ... there is no 'per se' pool of fire that
a 'per se' false prophet is getting 'per se' thrown into to 'per se' burn for eternity ... as neither there would be a 'per-se' "New Jerusalem Cube".
But anyway ...
Thus - moving on - the story goes as follows: I ended up disliking God for not fulfilling my wishes - until I grew older and stumbled upon a book
that opened my eyes; ... too short? Well - I've told this part quite often. Understanding the Roman Catholic Church as the identifiable reality
of what the Revelation calls 'Babylon the great whore' - the fourth Beast in the Daniel Prophecies (I mean, its actuall 'Rome' as are the legs of
Iron ... but we know where the Vatican is located ..., or well, its called 'Roman Catholic' anyway) - and thus the Pontiff a.k.a. VICARIVS FILII
DEI a.k.a. 666 - or Matthew 23:9 vs. "The Holy Father" ... its obvious. So - I went on a personal cruisade, starting with studying the scriptures.
It was in the Philippines - and as I was back on my way home to Germany we made a stop at my Mums families house - and we got Visited by Mormons.
I prayed for a Testimony, felt a warmth about it being true, but ... that didn't quite convince me yet. I did forget about the book for about 3
years. Back in germany I at first abandoned my studies and tried to explore other stuff. The 'Dao De Ging' and the 'I Ging' for instance. I did
smoke a lot of weed, spent time with friends and so just lived. But eventually discussions about Religions made me a Creationist - as based on my
own argumentation. The thoughts just popped into my head - and of course I believed in God. Once you do believe - some of the Creationsitic ideas
are just obviously true.
Through living my life there came disappointments - and those led me close to abandoning the Bible ... where ... "I mysteriously stumbled upon
things in the Bible that I hadn't noticed" - as the Nasirites vow and the Apokrypha/Deuterocanonic Books - became a Nasirite - and - as a Nasirite
I ... had this overwhelmingly clear insight of all the things in the Bible ... so I found Eden. Then I got drawn into the German Armored Forces;
Where after the three month of Basic Training they finally let me go and the civil duty that I had to serve off ... the remaining 7 month ... I had
a lot of time writing about what I had up to then mostly just talked and thought about. Which means as much as that I didn't really include Eden
or any of the other Writings - I guess - which was more of an extended Buddhas Lift if you so will.
It was due to this work that I got back to the Book of Mormon - but - yet I didn't get to really ask for a Testimony and was about to get Baptised
as a 7th Day Adventist. God however did make me anxious I guess ... and praying works! It worked for me always! Except ... when ... I would say
my wishes were unreasonable. I needed God to prevent me from getting Baptized in case that it'd be wrong - and so God did put it, "apparently",
into my instructors heart to make it clear to me that I had to stick to Seventh Day Adventist standards which I couldn't - I was rather up into
convincing him of my ideas ... even reading from the Quran if I remember correctly ... and that night he basically told me that it won't happen
I did 'walk' home and during that walk I just kindof 'knew' that I should become a Mormon because nothing else really would make any sense. Yet I
got paranoid closer to my Baptism - and yea, the only time more awesome than my initial Agoraeyah programming time ... was the time after having
been Baptized. OK, the time as a Prostitute was pretty awesome at times too - maybe even better, but that ... in a different way. Can't compare the
two. Anyway ... my Nasirites vow was made "Until Death or until my (proper) Baptism" - and oh, yea. So, closer to my Baptism I got scared - and
'then' prayed for a Testimony; And due to being scared I guess that prayer was sincere - and the answer came and - then I was Baptised. At first
I was scared to Masturbate ... but eventually I couldn't keep myself from it - and I didn't feel bad afterwards. So ... OK. Anyway. Being a Mormon
I then studied the Mormon history a bit closer ... eventually came to a point where I felt like there wasn't much left to find ... and ... expected
... I don't know what ... a normal life kindof. But yet I was driven to study on. I focussed on Apokrypha to write something as a ... 'Hypothetically
more awesome Bible'. I mean ... 'compiling' ... of all possible sources. And thats how I got into the Nag Hammadi Codices in relation to which I
discovered Unification. It seemed like a silly theory at first ... but I noticed that I met the conditions for getting in - and so - why not try
it ... ? And bam ... there I was ... it had been done ... and yea ... from there on I was sure that I've been on the right track and so continued
to study those scriptures.
OK, now I can tell you. The specific 'Books' that contain all the Mysteries are sold as 'the Edition Argo' (available in german only I guess) -
which also includes work by Goethe - and has thereby ties to the "Rosenkreuzer" and the 'Illuminati'. Bam!
And in that Light my position got more evident to me. I mean, there had to be a reason why those Books exist and actually have the formulat to
Unification in them. Initially I was a bit confused though. I wondered whether I should now find some place where those people could further
help me out on - and as I reached the 10th Seal ... which involves some guy glowing like a Light Bulb ... thats the Seal ... it told me that
I didn't need that. Why else would I get to the 10th that way? I however tried to talk to that Guy ... but he did put on "I'm a cliche Mormon"
face ... for me to notice: I'm not gonna get anywhere following that road!
So it was clear to me: There are people that know ... and they know more than I do ... supposedly ... but my story so far has been an independent
one ... and yea ... apparently thats how it should go on. The Book of Mormon tells us that those people will be there ... at some point ... to
take over or something ... and the only way 'I' make sense in that story ... or is it the only way? Well, anyhow ... the question were "when and
how"? Why ... do I have to go this way? Why does 'this way' even exist? And so I first of all don't have to be concerned of any rules ... like
... having an authority or institution to live up to ... so ... its as independent as I am ... I ... ... I ... I ... I ... I would be a part of
the story ... and they would step up at some point, kindof saying though: If you can't accept me; As God makes it be; Its not yet the time for
that! And if you have problems with that ... gues what ... I have to say about it!
So I was on my way ... first I gave up on my first Love Delusion - but right away also entered the Second - J.Lo. It made sense. She seemed to be
Christian - and the story would have been that she knew that I was coming at some point - and that is actually, ... sortof ... in my fantasy at
least ... a bigger thing. Like ... "one of those" behind the scene secrets - in a sense that she's the chosen one to give me a home and we'd
rule the biz from there and outshine everything and anything and along the lines of that would coonvince more and more people leading to a
cascade of Enlightenment and bam. Problems solved, like ... what Problem? That is a story nobody could really argue with ... but the story, so in
my head, goes on like ... well ... J.Lo has a free will of her own and ... decided to rather join the enemy. In reality however the story is even
bigger ... or more complicated ... or ... twisted ... than that. It was the time of "If you had my Love" - that I woke up one day from a dream
where I had dreamed about a girl that I felt a deep attachment to. I saw her as a lonely woman walking down a sideway ... and my best guess today
would be that this was the woman I later came to know as 'Lady Samantha' - a woman I can't forget up until this day. But anyway. That dream was
a Ruse of God I would say. Because it happened that day, that I kindof collapsed while passing a door - and had a dream of some sorts. In that
dream there was a Vacuum Cleaner - and I had a choice. That woman of my dreams or ... well, not too sure. But I had to flip the switch as 'act of
choosing' - and I flipped it - and soon thereafter the Doorbell rang. There then stood some woman with another woman ... and she basically trashed
me. She said stuff like that I am not a man, seemed pretty upset, and then left saying something like ... she was really like ... she had made her
mind up to be as evil as she could.
This moment was so fucking strange that I forgot everything - for quite some time.
Something similar did happen later ... during my time in L.A.. That was then 'after' I had "found her". So, she was actually on the other side
already; So the story wasn't 'her waiting' - but her ... 'demanding' me to basically win her back. So I travelled to NYC, ended up homeless for
two weeks. About 6 month later I went to L.A. and was homeless for 3 month. I guess she was there in NYC, but I didn't dare to speak to her because
she didn't introduce herself to me ... so, from my perspective there was just 'some woman' ... that, if it was her, just expected me to know that it
is her and do something ... but she didn't talk to me ... so ... whatever. In L.A. ... lets leave that aside. What I want to get at with that
though is the problem with ... her and people alike. Pride would be a word that comes to mind. It wouldn't surprise anyone if I accused J.Lo of
being a Diva. Not only that though. Its ... status Quo whoring in overcharge. Like, every single motion of every single hair - if possible - has
to be sortof carefully choreographed ... its all about 'the perfection of appearances' ... and yea ... by now I can kindof dig the logic behind
that. I mean ... hear me out. Being successful is a matter of effort. So, to come back to our E-Sports hero #1 ... Daigo Umehara ... the story of
him is to focus on becomming better rather than focussing on winning. As, you have no comparison for what kinds of enemy you'll face, your best bet
is to be that one enemy that others cannnot overcome. In music this means that you make music that people wanna hear ... obviously. So, random
sounds won't do it - there has to be harmony. So to say: Transposed onto living ... everything is a show. Its ... in a sense ... to some people ...
what it means to be a public figure. Like you wouldn't want to waste your time watching 'every day randomness' - and a perfect artwork appeals to
many ... not because its chaotic, but because of something we might want to label 'perfection'. And so I kindof heard it from her: "You have to
bestich me with your graphics". She ... in my head ... is the person that likes using such totally impossible phrases. Which actually is a turn off
for me ... now ... where I have anything to say about the whole story.
For some time the story unfolded leaving the Antichristians believe that they won - from whereon we get into the rise of darkness ... as we might
want to call it. So, my Baptism was 2005, my trip to L.A. was 2006 - and I started to learn C++ mid 2007 and started to work on MoA in 2008, got
mysti-bugged out of it at the end of 2008, started on Crystals and became a prostitute in 2009 - until 2013.
And that 'actually' explains why I was left alone for so long. I mean ... I tried to reach out for people and so my riddles continued. I maybe
didn't have the right words at that time ... which would add fuel to the fire that arguably burned me ... but ... nowadays ... we can argue that
it kindof didn't. And that is one way of saying: God knows our Hearts!
And little did anyone suspect that of all people on this Planet ... Monica Bellucci would come to play a major role!
Oh ... by the way. Maybe out of context ... but ... I got to drop this:
Anyhow ... the story pretty much does here enter a stage of 'obviousity'. I mean, obviously anyone who believed that I was the guy ... had a hard
time arguing that to skeptics that the J whore won over. ... XD. ... Anyway. According to her Album 'this is me ... then' she apparently expected
some 'definition of a man' and ... that is ... that. Expectations vs. Reality ... effectively speaking. And yea, she's pissed off about God ...
though in some sense she's the last person on the planet that has any right to being pissed off that way! That 'being pissed off' is in some sense
to me ... well ... a way of lieing to the own self, being stubborn and childish and wanting God to fulfill our dreams. But yea, didn't she learn
anything from Indiana Jones 3?
Anyway ... lets not ... be that way. So, sorry Mrs. Lopez/Anthony ... though I have it from a kindof reliable source that you're really busy with
your ... 30 something lovers? Well ... so, why am I sorry again? She rubs her wealth and "overpowredness" into my face featuring LL Cool J ...
so yea, ... . That didn't feel all that good! Z z z z z.
And it gets even weirder ... in that spanish album. I didn't really care by that time anymore ... but in the Video there's a baker and a butcher;
She chose the baker. While I was a trainee to a butcher, my brother was a trinee to a Baker. And that ... while he would be as always. Like, he's
here - in germany - working as an average joe at a cable distributor ... and I got to suspect that he's actually ... what do I know where ... .
I mean ... it happened one day that he proudly showed me some lyrics that he wrote for a rap ... and what I read in there was pretty much a diz
@ me - like - in my face - comparing me to the Gnu eaten by a lion ... translated: "We are the lions, you are the Gnu" ... where I don't quite
know what to think of Nazar. Is it a mysti-diz @ them, so, is he a good guy, or was that track (Knock Out) ... the realization of those
lyrics ("Don't tease the lion if you're just a Gazelle")?
Those are problems I cannot solve. I learned that as I did not want to believe for a long time that J.Lo was evil and was deluded into
writing and writing and writing ... while I couldn't shake my doubts ... and constantly asked for a Testimony ... and was only happy with a positive
answer. So ... I was really really ... fucked or 'down"ed"'. And thats not a good way to go; And more reasonable it is to only count on 'real
results'. So, once things get real ... where'll he stand?
Anyway ... that diz did also sport some claims that he ... or they ... would be getting down with one if not both of my deluded Loves ... and yea,
I ... didn't know how to react ... I ... turned that off, pretty much, ... and basically played their game we can say ... to pretend as though none of
that happened.
But yea ... it did fuel my paranoia - regarding my IT work - so ... that I was welcomed ... there where I worked as a Prostitute ... that I felt like
home ... that they even supported me ... becoming a family ... was like salvation. Until some time had passed and I looked back and realized ... well
... I might have to be ashamed of myself. Co-inciding with my time as a prostitute there was the financial crisis which really did hit all prostitutes
hard. It did take some time ... but near the end ... customers were really scarce. Not only for me ... everyone ... had the same to say.
I didn't know what to make of it. "Should I stay or should I go?". I mean ... on the obvious end ... I felt like they wanted to starve me out. It was
a thorn in their eyes that I was not accessible to them. What I might do. But ... I didn't get anything accomplished ... except ... getting my blade
tempered. I did write a lot ... and ... writing turned out to be the one thing that I could do.
I still wonder sometimes whether it was right to leave ... especially since ... leaving also kindof ended the relationship between me and Samantha;
And I ... wonder ... what about her. She broke contact though ... not really saying anything. In the grand scheme however it seems ... so I conclude
from my feelings ... to be a partner where the whole snuff Kink would be sortof important or even essential ... which would mean ... yea, as said,
a Ruse ... despite being real.
Maybe. However ... that there is no time or space for that "right now" ... should in that instance be sortof evident.
Nazar ... it makes me wonder right now: Any real Nasirites out there?
I also think that in regards to the Military. I mean ... they would have reason to believe that its real. There was that 'run' ... I was the last,
distance to the group grew and I was at the end and that guy yelling at me to speed up ... well ... in a way I thought, yea, whatever ... what
you wanna do? But I just ran ... took over the whole ... at a pace that I felt was OK, I could maintain ... until they yelled at me to slow down;
And ... that ... was the end. I couldn't "tap back into it" ... and never again. So, maybe there's a Nasirite platoon or more.
But yea ... apparently so nobody really knew what to do ... though ... those with God would look at those that went wrong ... the whole thing they
build and built ... and reading the Bible ... tells the story of a 'great fall' too ... so ... waiting I guess! "But how?" - what could I do? I'm
so ... "deluded" by my Kink ... what could come from that? Eventually it makes sense to think ... that me finishing my game wouldn't necessarily
help. It might ... but eventually there was never a real 'stage' for a showdown. My stance was kindof clear I guess ... I'm trying but I can't ...
and the solution ... is one that the deluded wouldn't want to hear about! So, 'whatever'.
Is that what 'the Sign of Jonah' is about? That there are those waiting for Niniveh to fall? And did the Antichristians repent? My suggestion would
be that 'they' are Jona ... not the Antichristians but the misguided ones ... waiting for my fall - and the rest isn't about Niniveh and their
repentence ... but the tree beneath which Jona hid ... that withered away. But whatever! There is only one way!
So, now ... L.A.. I did have a dream ... where my Brother was in L.A. - it also involved Snoop Dogg - and someone, I guess my Brother, selling/distributing
Protein Powder ... so, that stuff that Bodybuilders use. Snoop didn't seem on board ... but neither (decisively) opposed.
Yet there is the question - but yea ... it makes sense ... to believe that it wouldn't change a lot! Like ... their Status Quo is just too high!
(I did once ask God for a dream to show me whom I could trust - and I saw two: My dad and the guy who did rent one of my gramps storage halls ... and the
sentence: You can trust that they'll screw you over - ... so ... - ideal circumstances look different!)
Weirdly enough however I can't shake the impression that the Dalai Lama is a fan of mine!
So, the story told ... so far ... tells one thing: I didn't do anything that actually shifts the showdown onto something like ... "who's more blessed" -
which is anyway ... entirely "subjective". Like ... was the Force Awakens really any good? I mean ... its the largest piece of bullcrap to hit theatres
since Indiana Jones 4 ... and all you got to say is that you actually liked it and to me all of your oppinions regarding Star Wars are unworthy of my
time!
Anyhow ... I think its reasonable to say that ... unless I kill myself ... I mean ... eventually even then ... there would be folks that would be there
to help me out ... so, saying ... unless it is totally necessary ... its good enough as it is. And yea ... I don't intend to argue with that. I understand;
And anyway ... thats the part where I apologize ... and I did so before I think. I mean ... yea ... I'm not perfect either. I have struggles too. And that
is the ... part ... I mean: I get the feeling that his is something people are still somewhat uncomfortable with - every instance where I show my uncertainties
... or ... rather ... the way it really is ... that I'm sortof clueless. It makes no sense - probably. Maybe some did at some point get the impression that I
got to this magical 13 that would super enlighten me and give me all the knowledge and the super-plan and ... I'm quite sure that it is impossible to get there
alone! And so I don't know what to do yet - and I understand that if God really wants me to do something specific, not going the way I'm going on already,
I mean ... ey ... God is God ... if someone can tell me where to go its Him! And so is that the ... non-contemporary element of the story - the ... I would
call it: Growth of 'the Apostolic Seed' as I came to call it. The emrgence of divine wisdom within Unified individuals through the Force. Like ... God is
'logical' ... so, Gods choices and intentions and so ... they make sense ... and the force is there to just ... you know ... underline the right conclusions
or considerations. It is at some point rather impossible to ignore it ... and so I 'have' to say certain things although there is no written confirmation
for that.
To ... come back to the L.A. part ... I'm not ready to tell any stories yet. First: There is an issue ... imagine: A movie poster - a guy in some Yellow
Shorts walking down an empty L.A. sunset road ... with crappy slippers ... to say: How about a movie of my life? The thing is - there's something really off
about that idea. So, the entirety of my work ... and everything ... would have to fit into 2-3 hours flick? To think of what I do as supposed to make sense
on screen ... as a ... 'good movie' ... wouldn't work! The L.A. part anyway should only feature me as a side-roll. It isn't all just about me! And in the end,
the least of it all is about me!
And ... then there's Snoop. I don't know why! It makes sense to me to think that he's a skeptic. He doesn't buy 'their' stuff ... and doesn't really know
what the fuck I'm supposed to be about. And it feels right to think that he's got a healthy perspective ... sortof ... at least ... being 'outside' enough.
I would however agree ... I didn't really 'do' a lot while I was in L.A. - essentially - I just chilled, waiting for J.Lo - sortof - but eventually I totally
forgot about that. Kindof. It was a good time! Not good in the sense of 'party' - but ... I mean, I was on the bottom of the world anyway ... and there,
homeless in L.A. - I was kindof amongst my own. And I had secret fans I think! I mean ... except that one "Nigga" that wanted to hit me with an empty bottle
of Rum for being a Mormon (which are apparently racist) - its ... been good! People gave me weed and I had no money! Bottom Line!
As for all the things that God did to me ... like ... that things usually seemed to run against me ... so, as I mentioned that one guy who wanted to help me
and ... nothing further happned ... L.A. was like ... as though I was in a happy bubble of peace. I mean, nobody was actually really suspicious about my
story ... being ... that I'm from germany and just chillin' homeless in L.A.. Nobody was trying to talk to me like ... its bad what I do ... trying to talk
me back ... but obviously ... that was the time where the movie would be all about the enemies success; At which point all the little miracles that happened
to me pretty much don't matter. For all that I care I might have also gone to Timbuktu ... maybe I would have met Tupac there ... :P ... but there's one
important lesson I learned there. I learned what it means to be cool! There was this guy named John ... as black as ... black ... and as crazy as ... well ...
crazy. I mean, he was so gone ... he barely spoke a comprhensive word. He claimed I dropped a cigarette to make friends with me ... he ... was like a big
brother then ... in that shelter ... I mean, he spared cigarettes and lemonade ... until ... it became something I kindof ... "leaned towards" ... like ...
well. The point is that I didn't really know him ... so, eventually I came at him like a beggar ... and then he was like "who are 'you'?". I was confused.
But ... yea ... until I loosened up a bit and basically embraced him as a friend and took it for granted that he'd give me stuff. Kindof. I mean ... when
learning new stuff ... we're unsecure. And this ... coolness that I learned eventually became like ... a fassade I'd have to put up to get stuff from him
and he didn't like that either. But ... yea ... whatever ... and woop: "Here take that!". Thats now ... 7 years past ... and the lesson I learned is rather
to not worry than to be cool - which is however more or less the same thing. And whether that'd impress a "Snoop Doggy Dogg" or not ... I couldn't care less.
Though, real life would turn out more complicated. I mean ... this is a boldly hypothetical situation - and Snoop is just the one that appeared in that one
dream while pretty much nobody else made an appearance in any of them ... and I'm now stuck on him since one of his songs popped up there in the 'related
videos' bar. And I try to ... get his vibe ... sotospeak ... to understand that person or why ... he's on my mind. The thing is pretty much that ... there
is nothing ... first of all ... to suggest that he and me would ever meet, or should meet, or be on any sort of friendly footing with each other. And yea ...
theres something important I realized ... I mean ... its a thing that ... not a thing specific to this ... "Snoop and me" part here. It starts in my heart
and I would describe it as a 'tumbling over' - or ... well. Imagine your heart as a wrecking ball - and once that ball is centered in you you're so in a
"solid(ified)" state. Thats when 'you are you' - when you're "chill".
And so I feel this pull ... which would translate - like, in a room ... me on one side and he on the other ... me taking a step towards him. And ... there's
something wrong about that ... or "uncool". But whatever ... this isn't gonna get more complicated. Rather than uncool ... lets call it 'wrong'. Wrong
because I have no intention to de-center my wrecking ball. Its not even a pleasant feeling. Though arguably ... once you're tumbling over into what you're
sexually interested in ... thats the point where some other shit would get shoved into your heart if that person knows how to play that shit and you'd eventually
get a lot of ... "good" feelings out of that ... though essentially becoming that persons bitch. And that is obviously something I've grown careful about.
In reality ... and that is the reality of now actually ... I feel like the one way he and I could get along is both of us just doing nothing ... like a
staring contest ... or ... who looks cooler for longer - until - we can establish that this situation isn't really cool - I'd ask him if he's got weed and
we'd smoke together ... and that like we've known each other forever and thus nothing to talk about but killing time nonsensically together.
The thing with this "coolness" is however not about Character or Personality ... per se. Its not about who or what I am and what not ... its more of a 'Zen'
thing. Saying ... from what I discovered I went onto a cruisade ... sotospeak ... and so understood myself as an actor ... (not as in a theatre) ... so,
to act, to do ... which I did - being as active as I could ... entirely forgetting myself. Ironically. Though J.Lo was sortof all I could think of ...
being totally driven by self-interest ... kindof ... that wasn't on the top of my head. It was rather the belief that she'd be my 'salvation' ... and so I'd
give all I have to make it there. Though ... I actually didn't. I mean ... I made it some far ... but I didn't have a clue of what I really wanted. So ...
she had me at a leash ... and however someone could put it - she'd have her narrative and in that narrative it doesn't matter what I do because all I do is
obviously stupid. Or, some weird mind-trick or whatever. Or yea ... "me sticking to my narrative which is obviously fake". And yea ... while I'd claim that
she's the one for me and she'd say nay ... she's obviously on the longer end of the lever. And I really take this as an extremely valuable lesson. Not the
J.Lo part - the - being cool part. Its all about 'you' ... and not trying to please others! It may seem like the Christian thing to do ... but 'mechanically'
it starts with you wondering about what others think about you ... and in regards of Jinx ... that eventually gets you into the place where you're sucking up
the joys that are there to deceive you. Without Jinx ... you're however missing the part of being yourself!
"Tickling out your wrecking ball" is also what taunting is about! And if the staring contest were about Status Quo ... like ... between two grown men ...
that compete for a woman ... and the one does something that should impress the other - yet that person doesn't show himself impressed - we're in a situation
where that guy effectively 'lost' by some standard/definition ... but his "ignorance" may save him, as he's the stronger person in that situation. So, thats
provokative ... and once you let out your wrecking ball ... once you tumble over ... you're in a state of insecurity and would tend to have it the other
persons way.
And that ... when put in context to "the Gospel" ... I put that into quotation marks because ... its more about Independence in regards to Unification ...
and tumbling over is like ... loosing yourself which is a big ... "noooo" ... and actually not that big a deal if we're all friends, bit still ... "nooooo"
... and thats not a Star Wars remastered Darth Vader "noooo" ... its more like a "noooo" once you totally unfittingly let down your pants and take out your
cock "nooo". Its not necessarily a Gangster thing as in Gangster Rap ... but ... calling it "being Gangster" in that kind of scenario is still the accurate
definition. Its like ... nobody can tell you who or what you are (supposed to be). That way you'll make your own decisions ... and yea ... so, back to the
story. stuff.
Or ... not yet. I mean ... its obvious that we cannot spend all of our lives visualizing that wrecking ball and being all stiff in process. So this pull is
in a sense more like being about to throw up and the actual thing in that scenario were to try to hold it in. And these visualizations ... they can also be
... bad in their own way. Like ... you eventually can't tell 'what' you 'could' now actually do if all you're concerned about is that. You'd look at 'it',
using it as some kind of oracle compass - and so we're back at the 'heart and head' thing. Uhm ... uhm, so it did get more complicated. Well ...
I would suggest that motivation is another factor. If you have no motivation to do anything you're just you ... and in that situation sortof not distinguishable
from anyone else because you're not doing anything. And so the story continues: At a point the ice between Snoop and me so would be broken, we'd smoke some
weed, we're both cool, but what next? Well, there are two ways this could go. But before I get there ... there is a minor correction I got to make. DMX and
Eminem also had an appearance in a dream. DMX was there a negative figure and Eminem something of a clown terrorist, though ... the deam was that I was in
NYC I guess ... and I was wandering through the streets aimlessly - got lured into a building ... and then its kindof unclear what happened ... but DMX took
me into a brothel (well, not kidnapped though - not sure, no Sexual content there. I mean, at some point I jumped out of some window, landed in a river,
confusing stuff, and all of a sudden we were there in front of some house) ... and Eminem was sortof not OK with that. And I throw that in because
there's an Eminem Video that was just running - sorry ... don't
know the name ... however ... the point is that he mentions Sarah Palin ... someone whom I've seen a news piece on recently and that reminds me of ... more
wrecking ballage ... and Love/attraction. She is sortof attractive ... I give her that ... but I'm protective of my wrecking ball and she is't that hot ...
seriously ... for me to allow that strong of a pull on it. I'm riddled about it. I don't even have any kind of sympathy for her. The thing is ... back in the
day she was hot and thats possibly how Bush won ... but every time I see her face she looks more ugly than I remember. But whatever I think in my head ...
I mean ... that 'whatever' would first of all be negative ... or ... trying to take distance ... "getting away" - and this is where it gets ... hairy.
Its a mind thing. Its nasty and I hate it ... its even ... terror of some description. Its mean. The game is that you're denieing something ... and admitting
that she's sortof hot doesn't do it ... while in a sense ... she isn't 'that' hot! So ... technically its like a Zelda Dungeon - where you got to get to the end,
beat the boss and get that heart ... a.k.a. your wrecking ball centered. The thing is ... what finally did the trick was to think her onto 'my side' of the
political spectrum to remove the political bias and to 'then' re-assess my attraction to her ... so to be found: that pull is some kindof a Jinx/Astair thing
manifactured "to get people hooked through their ignorance". Which is actually bullshit ... but thats how it works!
Thats what I figure about my first bullshit love interest. I picture it that way: The "succubus" puts herself into a mental state thats positive towards you
so that from all that you can tell she likes you. Not only that ... she'd fulfill your every desire - which is the more complicated part of it. I dig it
that way: I do have a similarly odd attraction towards Celine Dion ... but less of a barrier to stop me from jumping on the vibe ... and that because to my
eyes there are similarities to Monica Bellucci. And so there is the thing between 'true partners' and "succubi" - where the succubus would ordinarily have
a stronger dedication to you that would eventually create the impression of more fun with the succubus than the real thing. Since I got to take Monica Bellucci
as for granted ... I based on that would say that "remote connecting" to the 'real one' is less idealistic and more like 'real life' ... as you get nothing
out of simply dreaming ... except those bits that the dreaming actually communicates ... which is't any 'real life relationship' though. And it wouldn't
happen/develop/evolve as fast as in close up ... as its more of a thing of little things piling up slowly over time. Little things that shouldn't really be
considered 'things'. Its more like 'dream vapour' slowly piling up to a small little thing ... over time. The succubus would be like straight at all you
ever want - and her real power would be in her actions to be nothing like that. If she's lucky or did her job well or caught you right ... she's got you
as lost as confused and ... so far my "solution" was to just ignore those feelings. Another technique that however is a great tool to have is to go straight
for the appearances ... I mean ... to suck the impression up to get a more detailed insight ... not in interest for what it has to offer but in interest for
what it is. Eventually you can so filter the feelings from the person ... where ... well ... separating the feeling from the person, as to then see the
person behind the wall of feelings ... that shouldn't happen with the right one! So you can use the antipathy to pry the positivity away from the succubus
... and to so leave it powerless.
And now I'm back at yet another thing. That feeling that I got to kneel down before someone. Thats once you're passive to feelings you don't really know much
about - the Antichrist demands you to kneel down - and once your mind is focussed on your emotional 'stasis' there are those pieces in that system that would
make you kneel - which are tense in a sense so that you on those terms would kneel. If you otherwise knew whom you're dealing with and thus knew that you
shouldn't kneel - thats something you got to "push" - and that works against "Ganon".
But I'm afraid I haven't found a final answer yet - except that its annoying ... which makes me ... inwardly violent. So whatever figure manifests there, before
which I should kneel ... I've kindof made it a habit to beat it up. Which is maybe not the best thing to do; But actually ... sympathy isn't either. Sympathy
or passivity eventually connects to "muscles" of you that help it advance on you. Yet ... the beating it up has a consequence, which is that its repeated
re-appearance will make you ... sortof ... argue with its stupidity. You wanna say: "Why don't you understand that I don't want you around?" - and it will tell
you as much as "because I'm still around!" - rather than "I don't care". The first is ultimately more confusing and therefore more difficult to "debunk".
And if you figure an Antichristian out you get to similarly annoying results.
Like ... if an Antichristian was spitting a fake story and you figure out what nonsense that fake story is ... they have a stance of "deflecting the point",
calling you stupid along the run. Like republicans ... if you point out that what they do isn't good for the country the Astair would go like: "but that is(n't)
the point", whatever works better in response to you - provided that the circumstances allow for that. But now back to the two ways.
In essence there can only be one way though ... as much as there is only one 'technique' (if there is only one technique) to get anything done. I mean. There
are many styles of walking ... but the technique were 'to walk'. The 'you be yourself' thing is of course the thing here ... and weird how that DMX/Eminem
dream finally made any sense. Though DMX would in this sense be a metaphor for Snoop. And ... Eminem was there to say ... well ... I mean, he was like he didn't
understand something ... and that would be the part I just wrote. Clearly ... the next bit is about Clarity.
Where I got to say again that I'm a whore. And being comfortable in any way ... is also about being yourself. To be comfortable as yourself. I am however used to
denieing myself. And that basically adds to my general displeasure, which I barely even recognize as displeasure, but so does any promise of intimacy where I can
just be myself ... uhm, not necessarily that specific ... any promise of love/intimacy ... has an I would say higher impact on me. Which basically means that
Monica Bellucci is the only peace I have ... the only "thing" even that I can truely cherish ... and thats why ... that wouldn't be any different with Snoop -
saying - Snoop is working for me here because he's kindof ... he seems like he could be a good friend and in that is pretty much like everyone I know ... I mean,
there's a third way. That'd be the way of 'comfort' which would be that I'd leave the room. I mean, I might ask him ... stuff. Like, how he became a rapper. (I
always feel like a stalker if I read into other peoples lives - and I'm really not much familiar with cultural history of any kind). But ultimately - this 'leaving'
isn't about sympathy or anything like that ... its in this weird boldly hypothetical scenario. Uhm, alternatively I'd be sitting there trying "to be cool" - and
thats whats normal to me. So ... playing Video Games or whatever ... doing nothing ... I don't care. Its ... just me at this point. Snoops point of view doesn't
matter. He might as well be you in that case. And per se lets say that I had no reason to leave the room ... and yea, there'd be plenty of ways to just expand
on the existent non-hostility and talk about stuff - whatever. If you're decently intelligent chances are you can entertain me. And thats a thing I expect from
certain Rappers -actually-, I mean, they are poets - and - in general I don't see how they wouldn't have interesting perspectives or thoughts. So, we can cut that
in before I just leave because its time ... . This activity would get our minds off of the "face off" or 'doing nothing' - situation. Its a universal good. But
when further just thinking about the wrecking ball ... I'd consider myself 'weak' - not to say that that I'd advance on anyone. Hell no. As mentioned - the opposite
is what I'm used to. But I don't like it and so I'd look - unless hooked into some interesting activity - for some comfort which I usually find in solitude; Which
in this instance is equal to intimacy. So, to say, time to go home to my wife. I do however certainly experience my condition there as unnatural. For sure,
I'm a whore! More specifically a 'lifetime whore' - and that concludes! Lets replace the word 'whore' by [whatever it is that bugs me] - once established that there
is something that does bug me. Control upon our own thoughts is something between the things we can't control and our higher consciousness. This higher consciousness
can shove thoughts that pop up away - but it cannot control which thoughts 'do' pop up. And as of yet I'm not convinced that we can bend enough to change 'the way we
think' - in terms of those 'unctrontrollable thoughts' - except - short term. Anything long term is more of a conditioning ... like I'm conditioned to be a 'strong
male' - to my standards. Whether that is being a 'strong male' in comparison to the average male is another question.
As much as my 'true inside' however becomes a dominant issue on peoples minds ... it gets more difficult for me to "play it cool". I mean, there are ways ... like
a "you saw me" careful twinkling with non-serious but well it depends on you intent. Eventually that sends a signal that sais enough and makes the interest go away
and we can return to playing it cool. Finding somethng to distract our minds ... whatever. Yet so ... the question could be: "Who is in charge" - or, who is "I"?
Am I 'the whore' or not? Its ... difficult because thats an abstract issue. In reality its so the whore that is in charge - and it doesn't show itself if ... it
were pointless to. And ... what I got ... being a whore ... is my body. And unless you were alright with that body ... there is no point for me to be a whore. And
yet I'm not open to just any sort of advance on me. And yea ... I guess this does properly address "that" concern. There is no need to be homophobic around me -
but if (proper) 'publicity perfection' is about 'being real' - I, in speech of a Hip Hop Video - would only feel comfortable as a priamry female asset.
So and so.
And so, back to L.A.. It happened one day that I got to start another letter to J.Lo - and I got to a point I have only come once before that - which was in regards
to the bullshit Love before that. I came to express my Kinks ... not yet really knowing a whole lot about that - I was just ... expressing my feelings ... and in
hindsight they didn't make sense. They made sense the moment I was writing of them, but in hindsight I didn't feel like it'd fit into what I ... felt otherwise ...
uhm ... - well. What I 'felt' would be ... joy believing in some "romance" ... while to J.Lo I expressed something along the lines of being a Sex-Slave; And a
response did actually come quicker than I would have thought. Like yea, now all of a sudden. It was at some other day ... and now I'm actually not sure of any
Chronological order. However ... the thing was ... it was like a dream. Literally. I woke up - seeing everything rather blurry ... as though I was still dreaming
... and maybe I was ... but I had a vagina and there was some guy with me ... imagine ... He-Man with a Cliche Kings Crown ... and the thing was that I had a choice
- continue as a female with that guy, or continue homeless on the streets of L.A.. I picked the latter - and as with the Vacuum Cleaner remember that I'd have to
do something that I refused doing because its nothing I would do ... but I suppose I did it anyway but I have no memory doing it. I mean ... this part only really
makes sense to me because something happened in that shelter that ... ... well, someone destroyed a toilet or something ... and I remember that I was there to
condemn such a thing. Which is to say ... I really didn't remember a thing. And so did nobody else in that shelter.
And thats been I guess ... the moment from where on I actually began to 'just chill'.
And so - the story is told. Well, kindof. Moving out of the brothel I was short-term homeless - got into a shelter - met two guys, had some good times, ... while
having some really interesting conversations - and those guys ... I liked them, as friends - but so it got clear to me that I cannot keep any friendships. I would
however not be the one to back out ... which is ... bad. I'd ... be there for them ... sortof ... though on the other side I'd more and more grow towards finding
more time for myself ... and so, trying to be my friend is actually a waste of time. And yea, so, of course I'm inwardly craving to be treated like a woman - while
my male fassade is so strong that I wouldn't ordinarily accept nor admit it. Its part of it. I wouldn't want to believe that it might ever be happening. But so -
yea - I'm practically a gate-keeper - like ... you will be repulsed by 'the right way' until you 'go the right way' - which involves accepting me for what I am.
And that should tell you a lot already about ... whats on the line!
So yea, from writing Love letters to writing Gospel letters to becomming a Prostitute to starting this homepage to becoming homeless - straight to the bottom after
having not been at the bottom enough ... and there ... out of lack for anything to do ... I opened the door. First I felt like ... nobody even took a look at it,
but eventually it oozed through ... and then there came the tidal wave ... because I felt like it. And thats where I really felt a big shift. At first there were
some issues with the content that I did put out ... but then eventually I got on a more sciency track ... and so ... the ice melted more and more, except the one
regarding the sexual content still ... but the grounds for those that presumed that I should find a way away from it became less and less ... and that means ...
it can't take all that long anymore until ... well ... I possibly got to re-assess and figure out why nothing is happening. I mean, thats the "obvious" thing for
me to expect - though not the 'logical' thing that concludes. Its ... a thing believers in the early stages got to be familiar with. That its your reasoning that
necessitates you to distrust whatever appearance seems more reasonable. But this is a slightly different issue ... as the unknown here isn't the absolutely positive
Love of God ... but a matter of human behaviour. So ... "go figure".
I mean, this latter part ... its ... not ... really a part of the story here except for one thing about it: Its a bad habit. Just leaving it with - and thats it
for now ... would be logically the right way, better than this however - but although I really so far haven't really proven that I can finish anything I started
I can't stand unfinished things. Though ... sometimes an unfinished thing ... is ... finished. So is the definition of beauty the ideal where neither adding or
removing anything improves the quality of the image. Sortof. The art is to let go at the right time ... which is difficult if you got a vision and you get to a point
that isn't there yet ... but ... pretty in its own right. I learned that one time ... where I did draw something ... it was perfect but undone ... I continued and
messed it up. So ... ... so yea, I ... had to say: Mistake #1 here is to imply that I'm "actually" a guy. I mean, thinking of being the guy happy with his girl kindof
never made any sense to me ... thinking of this whole ... perfection stuff. No matter how many superstars and bitches and general female hotness you would put around
me. It should tell people what kind of a guy-stud I am or what ... but so, it would work if I'd be the lucky guy who isn't there because he's 'the definition of a man'
- and these images float around my mind because I generally am not comfortable thinking about specific guys ... it just doesn't really work for me. But so ... to me
... Mistake #2 is to actually give a shit about the whole perfection 'nonsense'. As we all know ... a Jackie Chan movie isn't a Jackie Chan movie without the bloopers
at the end. Or that we'll always experience a person as fake until we see its flaws. And fighting against your flaws ... I don't wanna say that its bad. But I do wanna
say that there's a point where it gets detremental - where you've consumed yourself within a fassade that that will suck the life out of you unless you find a way to
break free. And so, yea, professional fakesters would do that by creating a fassade as alter ego ... not ever really identifying with it. Or ... something more complicated
- like developping a twisted alter-ego.
Or something like that. I mean ... my perspective is that I'm in that much of a central role that I simply cannot squeeze myself into ... when going by the 'demand of
perfection'. I would get to a third mistake being about expectations ... where I got to say that there's a difference between passive expectations as necessitated by
circumstances ... and direct expectations that demand unreasonable adjustments of another individual. But my eye-lids are getting heavy now ... so ... yea ...
To be continued ...
by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger / Queen of Heavens | 2017.03.15 | 12:59