A Whore and a Gamer?

Woo ... ough .. ff - this feels a lot more comfortable! I mean - this headline ... generates premises that I'm genuinely more comfortable with. The more I manage to actually get the point of my whoredom 'settled' - the more in touch with myself I can actually be when writing about all sorts of things. The more I am thereby capable of establishing my 'real' Character, the more you'll understand me in context of the 'true Light'.

Which then should allow you to kindof also help me to be what I am supposed to be.


People have dreams and expectations; And some of them are what we may call 'wild expectations' or "personal fails". I am for instance thinking about my attempts to find a job. I would so write an application and feel good about it; Proposing that it has to be successful, getting into positive "dreams" - though the "nope, sorry" response then draws the hard bottom line to those! I don't see a real difference between those fails and what I (would or did) expect regarding the Matrix thing. It does in deed lift me an eyebrow if the moment I publish something, I right away get a response in my mind. Clearly - that can't be all that accurate (the response)!
So I get to wonder, ... is it the future - or what?

Once I get serious about myself though, I get to establish something I have an immediate positive gain from. Instead of feeling well comforted in a potential future, I'm comforted in what I am - something I can further build upon - as something that I'm more wholistically contempt about; Instead of feeling well in a potential future that actually doesn't even really go that well with my reality! I don't know if you got that, that ... "self image" ... like, from things as simple as taking a sip of coffee maybe. That ... way of looking at yourself ... where, well; For me there is that male me and that female me - which is at this point not a thing about internal identity, but a thing of how I can be perceived factually. So, here the male me is just me, as the female me is just me. If you got to know me, you'd notice the male me because I'm male. Everything I would do would, in your eyes, be done by that; That male me. So, if I sip on my coffee - its the male me doing that - as I, based on how I understand myself in this world, realize it like that. We could call that a "contemporary realness flash". The more I get to establish my real Character though, the more I come to see my female self doing those things. There is no difference per se, its just ... superficial.
Yet part of that Character is, that some things my male self would do or like aren't actually ... things that 'I' truely do or like. Like, 'I' wouldn't look for a job/employment - for instance!


The most logical thing, as far as I can tell, were for all to really prioritize their own identity first; As for me - to dig really seriously into what I am; To expand that as much as necessary as to base the rest on that. So, in my case - I have to be serious about my Kinks, which more effectively takes me into whats so called and now known as "the Dungeon (of Nyx)". There are two possible outcomes - so far - for me - kindof. Its not really two. There is 'one' kindof way I would expect my future to be if all turned out well/good; And some kind of an objection 'I' have in regards to it!

So, obviously its either or - eitehr 'the Dungeon' - or - something else. That something else is vastly derived of my interests that are established aside of my Character. So, I like Video Games, I like Science, I kindof got a clue of what I'm writing about; Am sortof bright/smart ... and so I can imagine - as also being looking forward to - being consulted in terms of influencing some Games and Movies, as also being something of an Advisory in regards of science, education and what not. We could call that my 'smart' self - to not get gender confused into it. But what I get from it, which then triggers that incentive to object to it, is a feeling that 'my Character' would end up, well, not getting a lot of space - so little in fact that my Character doesn't matter at all, is pushed aside and replaced by that 'smart' individual. This then in a way that gets me to get gender confused into it as there wouldn't be a lot of benefits in being too or even remotely concerned about it. Being male would have after all 'more' advantages thereby - as - that which were left of my privacy would still be sticking to female company; To the point that my gender evolution is effectively secondary as subject to private matters - which isn't all that weird I guess. So - its ... totally reasonable that way - so, its entirely pointless to think about my gender in that case ... where both kindof works - except that my established Character would lean towards becoming female at some point ... but thats pretty much it! This version of my future is furthermore sustained in a variety of ways, as ... I guess I've kindof extensively covered my 'gender confusion' in the past to the point of establishing the fact that there are things that I would remove from myself that can't be removed. Let that be "whatever" ... be it major or minor stuff. The gist of it happens to be that whatever this "Darkness" or "Depravity" I crave is about - its beside the point of me just enjoying myself as a free living individual; And that our ability to enjoy ourselves as free living individual is paramount to anything and everything in regards to/of a 'glorious future'. But at this very instance I do get this other feeling - that feeling of, well, sortof ramming a knife into my kidney - or - something like that, something ... that doesn't quite "sit" with me.
In essence I want to believe that there is a way for me to really get that 'full potential' of enjoying my freedom without sacrificing anything about my Character. Now, there is a but to that as well - but once that takes me to a point where I feel 'harmed' - we're back there; And so - to break loose from that ... the only realy alternative is to actually give more credits to be serious about "the other way"!
This other way, well, ... I can't really get into it from a standpoint of arguing about what I 'want'. It occurs to me that whenever I kindof got serious about myself to some certain extent, that I first end up "dragging" this mood along with me until I'm basically done for the day; And then get to sleep with nothing else on my mind - as it perpetually takes/took over - and I cannot accept my "dream partner" to have any other ambition/interest in regards of me but to take me down that road ASAP and that as hard as possible!


Similarly my relationship to God. So yea, that relationship - well ... - God is silent; So, most of the time I can do whatever ... be it in touch with my Character or not ... and its somehow OK. I mean - its worth mentioning that I am supposed to do a variety of things that go against my Character, like, establishing my Character in first place; Or having that 'procreative' role in the knowledge of doing so. But so I also 'like' to think that all that what I am is only temporary. I for instance used to have a really well flourishing fantasy - never had a real problem in terms of making up stories, inveting fantasy world science, ... but eventually all that came to an end. Today I couldn't invent a story even if my life depended on it. So - thats one side. The other side though is that I happen to have attachments to some of those things ... and as I in essence "live" those as a part of my free being I don't really wanna let go; And the spirit ("it seems") is always there to protect those feelings "saying" that its OK like that - that I won't have to; Though - more like saying that I couldn't, even if I wanted; Though, basically in a move of comforting me in that state of being happy about having that freedom. Thats why there is this earlier statement ... which once taken seriously however gives me that 'being hurt' feeling.
On the other hand now, once I'm actually "in Character", I start to 'actually' connect to God on a basis of Wishes and Gratitude - while the Gratitude is really what "kills it" - I mean, its really what boosts those ambitions (of Detrement) and basically "Warp 10"s me into worship. Which does however not come without a negative feeling either! Negative is an overstatement though. Its not negative per se, as in some 'hurt', ... but it certainly kindof feels ... 'shallow'.

Well - its easy to miss it, though basically really obvious; I mean - I had it on mind several times but never quite got to really pointing it out, ... that, ... there are basically 2 "Identities" that I try to fit into one. I mean ... there is 'one' collection of images that constitutes my Character, ... where none of that Creative Work stuff fits in, ... which is what I here called my 'real' Character ..., ... and there is another collection of ... well, rather 'emotions' or experiences than images, ... where my Character doesn't fit in - we could label that as my 'male puppet (young/child dog)' self; Lets call him 'Lucky'. Lucky is quite fitting since it is basically surmising all the positive things an ordinary person would also recognize as positive; And nothing else - its really the condensed 'freedom happiness' thing. (Trivia: My first contact with programming was QBasic; And the way I first got in contact with QBasic was some time after we had our first PC. My dad gave me a floppy - that a friend gave to him; Which basically supports my understanding that there was some more going on behind the scenes about me, where I was born, how I was raised, etc..). To focus some more on that - I mean, I feel a strong decline in terms of my ambition to continue my creative work - but deep inside I don't want that ... but I still feel like you'd do me a favour once just ... taking it away from me. With that we're at some ... 'nerve' of mine ... as; For once the thought of that gives me a depressing feeling, but ... in process of accepting it - as being forced to do so - I get to experience a really appealing joy thats ultimately the more attractive one. That way I come to tell myself; And I'm feeling most comfortable "on that boat"; That the whole creative work is tiring me down 'anyway'. Yet, it still belongs to it to see both as next to each other - saying, ... this idea of combining the two into one won't work as the two would basically take turns - so, the perspective 'over time' is different than the one of contemporary realness.


In terms of my 'contemporary' realness, well, Lucky doesn't exist anymore! Well, not entirely. I mean - Lucky is still there, deep inside ... happy to be alive! Ignoring that would lead to that shallow feel I got - supposedly.

So, lets not forget something else that got established; That there is a 'harmless' way of actually 'living' those more brutal things out. I think we can all settle on that - while yet going further with similar ease. I mean, it kindof helps to see that, well, you wouldn't actually care too much - as in being bothered by it - if realness demanded us to get further. But so, yea, realness ... .
A nice way to put things into relation is by drawing certain references to Comics. Like ... in Futurama we have severed heads that are fully alive as though they yet had a body, while being in Jar of some sort. Translated into Dolcett Comics, well, people can get decapitated and still talk and enjoy sucking cocks. That would get a feeling accross or help sustaining the eros of it - but its not really accurate to reality! Well, unless we kept it all a play!
So ... to then say we wanted to move away from the play - we'd naturally go down that very literal way of doing all those things. In regards to that I find my Character as established on the premises of fitting, as Victim, into these 'more twisted' passions - but, since we have a functional 'basis' that sets the premises as founded in the 'play', it wouldn't be a far stretch that aside of whatever I'd be getting myself into, I'd still be able to access a Computer every now and then; Even to the point of doing some creative work or programming. Yet so, in regards of the play and what were to come from it - that would be secondary to whatever else; And only there to bridge the time during which nobody would have a real use for me. What gets me though is that this idea of having access to a computer, or being given access to one every now and then, is "shallowly objected" - and yea, I can dig that! So to the point of drawing proper outlines I find, that I can help ... I mean - to be serious about my Character ... every step away from it is kindof just an excuse to ... not appear "too edgy" or more 'commonly acceptable'. Not resorting to that ... as heeding that objection ... and getting to a realistic assessment of myself and my wellbeing; I'm sure I first of all can't tell. I mean - I have feelings, kinks, ... but what that would be like in real spacetime ... thats beyond me - certainly. To now so bridge that gap I'd volunteer to be real to what I 'want' - in terms of which I can give two types of feedback. The one were about my wellbeing as withheld from my Lucky side - which requires that I'm withheld from it until I'm dead. The point is - while I might express dissatisfaction about it, I might also simultaneously express satisfaction about the rest. That would be used as justification to keep it up - which I can see progress in a couple of stages. The first were withdrawal; Building up to a second stage - which we'd only enter if I would actually want to. That would utlimately lead up to the final stage - which were to cross that boundary, ... uhm, that move beyond the point of no return. Like ... I kindof can't wait to get chopped into pieces or prepared for being shoved into an oven or getting BBQed. Seriously!
Well, the thing obviously is that ... OK, in terms of a death wish we could get it over with ASAP and whatever my suffering were, it were over just as quickly. That however wouldn't have a lot to do with depravation. As of my mindsets ambitions, the first stage were about finding a balance - a way to conquer Lucky, as in considerations of how much of what I need to be happy despite withdrawals. As my Kink goes - I'd be unhappy about that withdrawal part, but unable to call myself out as I'm yet actually into it. So, it doesn't do any good - at first - to postpone that withdrawal; And once that becomes a hardened situation, it were time to re-organize and effectively switch to a higher gear. At that point - I can think of things like operatively removing my eyes; As opposed to just somehow taking my sight more violently.

So yea, my 'heart' isn't in just getting killed - but in getting really fucked up up front. In essence you can connect that to "the higher Logic of ..." - thinking that if all there were to it were to just kill me off - it wouldn't be really climactic. It'd be rather pointless. I mean - I guess you'd see it that way! Like ... "was that it?". Like ... I'm gone ... and now what?

I mean ... the 'desirable' thing were to keep victims alive for as long as possible - except the focus were Cannibalism or Necrophilia; Primarily. Although, even for Cannibalism it might be interesting to keep the Victim alive for as long as it can!
There I have that image of myself that isn't quite there in my head yet - while, the best way to think of it were to think of an 'on screen' me and a 'behind the scenes' me. The behind the scenes me were simply put a slave thats happy to be a whore and even proud of it; While on-screen I'd be the figurehead of all the horrible things going on in the Dungeon. You might however also reverse the two, depending on what works better for you; Which would depend on what you experience as 'real life' ... while both, on-screen and behind the scenes were actually independent lifetimes/spacetime environments.
What I there want myself to be, kindof narrows down to a head with "that" expression of agony on its face that essentially "fills the blanks" ... of "utter darkness turned reality".
Need I go on?
(Obligatory Question ... ???)


Well no - I guess ... not. I mean, this so far is kindof satisfactory to me!
I mean, in terms of not getting any false hopes up; I'd see the false hopes residing on the 'keeping up the play' side - as opposed to 'turning the play into no play'.
But yea ... so, that being my Character - explored seriously - that has implications on the other things I do, which I think are easy to find confirmation.
There are those things I try to tell you that you can associate to some higher entity; As opposed to other things you're kindof stuck with attaching to something more ordianry. Those latter things then would vastly be stupid nonsense, which may have some value, but - you're kindof supposed to look away; Ignoring it. Its awkward that these things even exist; While on the other end saying "that I won't like what I'll get" to me - well - is really the thing I'm really wanting! I mean ... its equivalent to paradise. So yea, I'm genuinely disallowing my "intimate associates" to Love me in a certain way; Forcing them to get attached to me in a way that would straight up go for things that I might not like, thus asking me "Do you like that?" a lot. All I then had to do were to nod - and it'd be settled!
And yea ... this ... right now ... that gets me ... turned on!


Another way for me to be putting it - as to add some more trivia/background to it - takes me to thoughts about why I am the way I am. Well, one part of it certainly is artificial - as - what I am being taken into some situation that is already yet just an abstract of what I originally am/was; So yea, social adjustment. But so, Lucky in all that is a part of me that I was capable of really making peace with, as inside of me, after seeing it being kindof really compressed within me. So, ... uhm, ... in the other sense: Too much of it would make those little pieces drift apart, as they'd need more space, at which point they eventually drift apart too much and start feeling quite uncomfortable. And rather than applying pressure on me/them, I have the ambition inside to "suck them together" - but I can't ultimately do it by myself!


And with that ... there isn't much left to say; ... or add; ... Outside of further emphasizing that that my kinks are rather on the suffering side than on the being killed side.




What I am is someone who would, if I had a choice, choose this/some certain kind of suffering, pain and agony, above anything Lucky would enjoy. And to not misrepresent the Lucky part; Lucky wouldn't be Lucky otherwise. You could also call it 'a redemption', since Lucky, in the end, is Lucky because - aside of being Lucky, there isn't much else one could enjoy about me. I mean - I'm not good for anything; Professions wise. Thats why Lucky is a puppet - we can say. Its purpose is to be happy so that people can be happy about it. And yea - while I was previously stating the opposite about my "dream partner" - there is also that side that gets me happy where my dream partner is all about and into making/keeping me happy. That however should be a contemporary thing, as, dependend on her/his/their mood. So saying that generally this is all about hurting me!

As for giving me a legitimately male and mature existence; I am stuck to saying that I would (want to) be what I want others to be like to me. Aaand, I don't think I'd hurt myself in order to proove that point!
I mean - if you'd require that as an indicator for whether or not I'd truely want that stuff - I could almost certainly guarantee you that I wouldn't! I mean - I'd rather disappoint you based on the consideration that its your mistake; ... as you (or they, for that matter) were the ones supposed to hurt me!


True Eclipse