A rant ... in some ways

(untriggered)


I mean - these days you got to be careful. I mean ... there are maybe not a lot of people that ... - but you see them here and there ... that prior to getting the point talk almost as much round about, you know, stuff like - this is my oppinion and this doesn't apply to everyone and stuff and so on and please don't hate me for having an oppinion. And they keep growing ... the ... sentences and paragraphs. So, semi-independent vocal disclaimers. Effectively we're even kindof getting there where we'd come up with an independent 'word' - just to shorten things up.


But that would also sortof beat the point. I mean ... when I start speaking that way I do so to convey; As otherwise someone talking like that to me does convey to me; That this oppinion has a deeper background and the disclaimer tells me kindof what sort of background. So ... "and I actually liked the Force awakens" ... OK ... then, I don't need to listen! No, maybe thats a bit too harsh. I've been thinking: Someone who never saw Star Wars and doesn't have much of a movie watching experience ... so, an Amish or some guy of the Bush ... maybe I can see how someone like that would truely enjoy that movie. But seriously ... I mean ... I've been writing about how I thought that approaching "stuff" with an attitude of "everything is good" would be a good idea ... and I kindof ... seem to be incompatible to that idea.
And "loving your enemy" - I think the Ghost Recon Wildlands trailer does a good job of conveying at least how I understand that.

But yea ... sortof. I mean ... violence to me is all about getting that red dot on the mission map disappear - sotospeak - and I don't know if you know it ... or if I'm mistaken on it being a fact ... but ... I'm not butthurt or anything. I'm not vengeful. I try to think of showing my left cheeck after someone hit my right ... and I feel like that this ideology is pretty much ingrained into my life ... I mean ... I'd even dare say that if anyone abides by that then me. And its one of those things that ... most people wouldn't notice. And a lot of people even go by that rule I'd say. Its nothing extraordinary. I'm ... we ... could be glad to see that this is even somewhat commonsensical. Whether you're an Atheist or not ... :P. Whereas the enemy doesn't get to that point because before they could get slapped they'd slap the living hell out of everyone who might even try. Like the (failing) Donald Trump.

Yet so in the public Christians would be famous for being terribly weak - like - sheep. If someone beheads our leader and claims to be the new one, most of us would go and say ... yea ... why not? Which is silly. Its however not really mainstream Christian mentality to question our worldly leadership because if anything ... they don't really matter. If we can live our Christian lives ... whats the point? But so ... yea ... we can draw a very dark and miserable image of Christianity - be it fiction or maybe even a scary reality - that I have however come to sortof been glitched out of. Its the Testimony I have that the Mormon Church is true ... but that under the hood there's much wrong left to be discovered. So I've been on my own independent path ... and as of that there isn't much 'Christian' per se about my life ... superficially at least. And in essence it doesn't matter what you think about me ... or as Tupac put it: "Only God can judge me". And thats where I get my 'everything' from. God is my shepherd ... or rock ... whatever. If I know that God is at ease with me ... I know it because ... all these little "doors" are opened ... ways that nobody else would see. OK, this is getting a bit too misty though. God is like a huge stone underneath which I can hide ... sotospeak ... or the pile of sand where I can stick my head into. The 'mountain of comfort' that wouldn't be there if I were a "douche" sotospeak. And yea ... I ... could claim that ... as far as I can tell that God is my friend ... I am certain things as well as I am not other things ... and it doesn't matter whether I spend most of my time playing videogames. It would matter ... but discussing this any further is sortof pointless. God will also be your Judge ... and once you get a handle on how God relates to you ... hmmm. Maybe its not all that simple. I mean ... plenty of Christians are confused - we can say - and so ... where is that God? And I just realized that the whole point of an Atheist understanding that he or she by a general definition may be a good person in the eyes of God ... well ... doesn't really matter all that much. To an atheist us religious people would still be something of a scourge to this planet ... and on another note I had to realize that some Christians "do" (???) have a hard time relating to me as being all so Atheist friendly type of person. So I do think that this is one of a few topics where I have my general perspective but am thereby sortof missing some points. God would certainly not expect anything beyond my capacity though - at least not without giving me something to negate my powerlessness - and I say that because this is an issue I'm powerless about.
To some of you it would seem that I'm also wrong on being as offensive as I sometimes am ... and whatever I'm writing ... there are usually always points where I'm feeling bad about. Sometimes its stronger, other times not so much - sometimes I believe I did actually make a mistake, other times not so much - and actually I wouldn't know how to deal with this. The argument that I'm only human did so far however not seem as though it would be regarded properly by in about just anyone. And maybe that is because I'm used to writing about all sorts of things except the one thing I'm "supposed to" be clear about ... so I don't come accross like someone who just found something and wants to share those findings with the rest ... but more as some arrogant guy on a tall horse swinging the Morality Mace. And part of that I would blame on the Astair - where - it isn't what I do or do not do that matters there, but what people think. And - if there's already a "left spin" sotospeak - ... I mean ... its taken some time and endurance to get beyond that. I mean ... by now its more positive than it used to be, while things used to be so that I couldn't do anything right without feeling like some deeply manipulative motherfucker.
I however don't feel like God wants me to change my ways. That might seem bad to some - but to others it should be more of a relief. And if you're an Atheist that can't dig me relating you ... "them" (Atheists/you) ... maybe try seeing it like ... me relating to others. But so, do I have the authority or capacity to say that my behaviour is totally OK in the eyes of God? I mean, there would be a conservative side that'd certainly say "no" to that - worrying that what I say does actually encourage wrong-doers to continue with that. But that isn't my intention. I mean - I do know how Seventh Day Adventists for instance denie all passages of the Bible that basically show Christ sympathizing with 'Sinners'. The gist is to say: They aren't that 'sinner-y' anymore. They say that the wine wasn't alcoholic, etc.. But I know as someone who does drink Alcohol (not often, but ... I do) that God isn't on the offensive about it. Even so ... sometimes its more of a destinct good. Like someone telling you to calm down ... though God knows more about Calming down, the how to's, the results, etc. - in a way that ... I feel like it'd hurt God if you restrained yourself from enjoying yourself to the fullest - in times where you can or should - and if anything ... I'm here to destroy the "folklore" about Christianity. What Christians think is Christian but doesn't quite cut it in the bigger picture. And so far, me being me should get that accross - except - you'd shunn me for doing so. Anyhow is this not truely directed at Christians ... but rather at that branch of Satanists that are that out of ... well ... rebellion against that folklore way of "dogmatizing" the Christian faith.
I mean ... if I think about what I would do if I weren't that "Matrix Guy" ... and would be just one ordinary person ... give or take ... the whole Matrix stuff would make a quite convincing argument to me. And I did have those experiences that tell me that this whole "Matrix thing" is a "thing", so you can't tell me that its impossible! That someone just ... is as surrounded by it as "this Matrix guy" claims. And anyone who would show up just claiming that this whole 'live Matrixing' isn't a thing could go to hell for all that I care!
I've tried it myself ... and so I am that "Matrix guy" ... and what I get from me ... stepping outside of myself ... is a lot of confirmation on my "lazy" attitude. Or lets say ... my struggling. I try to be a good guy, I don't care about rules like 'don't drink' - I don't see the point - but I also know that turning towards God does change that! Belief does have that power! I mean - once you become a believer, you do so ... fundamentally ... which will totally change your mind about Gods will. So people get scared when they banged a prostitute or drank some wine or smoked a cigarette or jacked off ... because its "unchristian". So christian were 'everything that isn't fun' - and one can go and legitiamtely expalain how come that is the case! Because ... Mark 7 ... all evil comes from the human heart. But mind you ... the same chapter reads: Nothing what enters the mouth of man defiles him. Its much more what comes out of a mans mouth that defiles the human heart. So ... all of that 'don't drink' nonsense while the Bible just a few verses prior stated that thats not the case! It seems more believable though. As there is something you can 'do' to earn your salvation. Which however should indicate to you that you aren't truely baptized yet!

I mean ... mormons do have similar rules ... but as far as I can tell they just appreciate the sober atmosphere and beyond that pretty much don't care about 'earning' any salvation. Rather entrance to the celestial Kingdom; Which makes a lot more sense! By that you could say - yea - do you wanna be like that ... or are you OK with a lesser glory? Its as with the Word of Wisdom. According to that there is all that ... stuff you shouldn't eat or drink or smoke "nonsense" - but clearly within an 'if' Bubble - saying - 'if you wanna be healthy' - or rather 'blessed with health'. Fun fact: Going by the word of wisdom doesn't cut you off from smoking weed! You just had to find a way to do it without tobacco!


Its only human to make mistakes! Right? Wrong? Anyhow - I think this statement is a very good instance ... uhm, example. Mormons aren't directly taught to aspire being as God ... the Book of Mormon doesn't tell us to "become like God". In the doctrine at least. We are supposed to forgive, Jesus demonstrated that by forgiving the woman ... you know ... the "if you're without sin, throw the first stone!" thing ... and we read he told her not to sin anymore ... but should that override our requirement to forgive? Its written: And if you have to forgive your brother 77 times! But clearly: Yea, this doesn't say: Be lazy and give a shit! It says: Strive to become better! And those Mormons that have become as perfect as God, come forward and lecture me!
It seems to me that the Gospel has to some become as a free tocket to ... "make it as they will". I mean ... its a powerful word - in certain places. And it seems as though this inspires people to think of their perfect world; Making that "their" Gospel - and I'm sure that Atheists don't "get" what I'm saying here ... aside of perceiving the situation that I'm describing which is pretty much wired into their worldview. I mean, Atheists wouldn't care about me saying that some Christians are doing it wrong, when after all I'm yet "one of them"; And possibly not making much of a difference. But yea ... I'm a bliever; And I'd advise you to become the same! I'm sure that most Atheists are used to 'debunk' belief in the same way that Christians are used to 'debunk' disbelief ... as they go along strolling through their lives. And though it might sound weird - I wanna ask of Christians and Believers the same as of Atheists ... to turn around and face that other part of them ... the believer or unbeliever ... within yourself ... and listen to its concerns. I'm sure I can't convince anyone to, as of that, "support a cause" ... uhm ... but think of what that other side of you has to offer to what you conceive as your own. Its a psychological thing - where - in regards to Atheists for instance ... well, ... how to word it? The simple definition were: "become a believer" - but thats not how it would work. Like ... if you wanna learn Karate and join a Dojo ... you're not right away a Karateka. It takes time! Even though you in some way of the meaning were ... a Karateka. Sorry if I write that wrong. First the unbeliever has to embrace the believer - as the believer has to embrace the unbeliever - ... within. Or, in other words, to Christians ... "become reasonable" ... were as I would put it ... but thats even more offensive than asking Athists to become believers. More so: "Let (critical) reason flow through you". You should quite literally 'see' then ... with new eyes ... and it isn't invasive. Throughout your life, though the Atheist probably more than the Believer, you have established your own walls ... of comfort ... sotosay. By telling yourself - explaining yourself why Atheism or whatever Religion you adhere to is right. Some of those aren't solid - so they'll keep on bugging you. Doesn't mean those are wrong, nor that they are right. I have those things too! Its not about belief or disbelief though. Its more about what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to chill and relax - but still I can't help but question it! So I come back to think about it ... and the question we should all have an answer to is: How to find the 'right' answers?

This is where I have the largest problem with Antichristians. To them its not a question whether or not they're wrong - to them its an absolute certainty that they are right even when wrong. We have a famous example of that nowadays. You know whom I mean! So, when taking the words of the Architect ... in regards to Antichristians its a bit different. "Rebellion is the most predicatble of all Antichristian responses". When proven wrong ... they yet mean to be right and go about it as though its a given fact that they'll be able to proof that or back that up - but so - its usually nonsense what follows.
And that is really where I get to the limits of my 'being Understanding' - as, yea, its their way of life ... a necessity of their cause ... so to say that there is nothing wrong about that ... and that everyone else is pretty much doing the "same" thing ... and there even is a deeper philosophy to that. How come I know? Well - phew! Glad I asked that question! Its ... overdue! ... I mean, I tried before I think. And essentially I don't! I don't know if I know, but more than that do I not know how I know. Its ... one of the more fringe things about being Unified with the Allsurrounding Spirit. That you don't know these things per se ... and I'm sure that I could be wrong. Those statements should be copared to a rope-bridge - where 'per se knowledge' were one made of stone - and once scientifically sophisticated it were of steel - or something. I know that I know, but I don't know how or whether it is knowledge. Its just there - and part of my reasoning - where its not the individual piece of information that matters - but how correct it is in the grand scheme of things. The core of that Antichristian philosophy is that Truth is in the hands of God ... and their God is the Antichrist; Where - the Antichristians are in that regard like Negan in the Walking Dead I suppose ... so ... they are all "Negan". So there is that 'core philosophy' - of a common truth that is idealized ... to act as a whole rather than as a single individual. But not so that the individual has no meaning - more the opposite thereof. They support each other in being pissed off about Reality - and the "one Ring to bind them" maximizes its strength. Well, cynically put, its the Religion of Excuses; Yet their excuses aren't excuses - if you asked them!
And if you like that ... you should become an Antichristian. I mean, if you wanna be a douche about life and truth ... you'll have more benefits out of that than going about it alone. To maybe make it more compelling: There is that wall in the distant - that you wanna run against. So, you'll need some really stupidly blind rage built up to do so with as much power as you could possibly muster - and the sooner you give up trying to make sense of anything the better. And I'm not even kidding here. Its, as far as I understand, an essential part of Antichristian 'training' to become as blind and dumb as somehow humanly possible. Thats a force to be reconned with. As we ... can see. So, the more of that you then are the more success they have as a whole - and that success will further become a weapon ... so ... to rub your victory into your enemies faces. As a Christian I however don't believe that they can come up with enough of that to break that wall ... to say that I believe that the Paradise behind it is reserved for Christians, where Christian is a loosely defined Term, more towards the Mormon perspective of: "If you would have accepted the Gospel" ... speaking of three Kingdoms. And here's what Antichristians will do: They won't think about it to learn anything else but to come up with something that works against it. And so its not necessarily easy to write something that is "Antichristian proof" ... as, the thing with the three Kingdoms is an idea that isn't sophisticated enough ... so ... its essentially a weakspot that allows them to throw their disbelief against. So its extremely problematic to try and argue with philosophical ideas.
And that philosophy goes deeper. Like ... I mean ... if they truely believed that God is Eternal they would understand that their case is hopelessly lost! But understanding that is against their "rules" sotospeak - where their whole agenda sortof aims at taking the Godship away from God ... . Like ... it kindof would be the case in the Marvel Universe with the Infinity Stones. So, they have an artifact that gives them some power - but God retained some power - and so to them the whole story is to 'conquer the heavens' per se. Or ... something. I guess you could also say that "being left alone" is also something they would argue with. Its like they claim this world and want us Christians to be gone. Not? Well - anyhow - I'm sure its an well refined piece of work I can't hope to accurately reflect here in all of its detail ... while at some end of the story - they kindof laugh about God or anyone who takes pride in doing Gods will ... sortof. I mean, its a matter of social dynamics then that their way leads them to more direct confrontations or a more immediate assessment of victory and failure - to say that the Christian "argument" that things will be in favour of us in the end ... doesn't work for them.

But so - in that sense - we all do have a little Antichristian in us ... uh, there's a little Antichristian in all of us, saying that we every now and then come to argue blindly just for the sake of defending our position. As a Christian - within Unification - I get a sense of what the Antichristians take offense in. They would claim to have more in common with the Atheist than we do. We are after all the ones that blindly follow God ... they at least have an agenda based on independent reasoning. Or so. I mean, they see it as that many people think as they do - and due to modern influences I guess have a claim to themselves to 'grow' - so - though they practically 'crowned' themselves as on top of all reason - they intent to cement that by furthermore learning of anyone who has anything to contribute. And so Christians would comment that this tells them why they are Christian ... I mean ... its a fundamental thing of being Christian to not resort to 'nether means' to 'win'. I stick to publically excercised virtue ... righteousness, truthfulness, ... but I think that the Antichristians also do claim that of themselves. And they would further go and justify their actions by the greater good that is to be won. Freeomd of thought - as they might wanna put it. And also in their favour would be that they don't exalt these 'higher virtues' to the top - as they see it ... saying that honesty is good, but a good lie can work too! Which is psychologically taken a huge pile of horseshit of course! I mean ... sorry if that doesn't convert me to Antichristianity ... but it is to me what it is ... a pile of horseshit. So, maybe to now speak a little bit more about myself: I'd rather die a Martyr than become a part of them! I do have those virtues - and no matter how welcome I yet would be amongst them - no! If they wanted to learn from me - I'd convert them to Christianity! At least ... thats what my standpoint is. Maybe not to say 'Christian' - but God and I are pretty much on the same page of everything. And I do not bow to God ... as though God were my King. That were a totally wrong picture! To take it into the romantic realm of the Knights - yea - there is that occasional "God give me strength" moment - but as for anyone else ... its not as though God were that King who expects you to bow and then gives you superpowers. You can though sense the strength God gives you when you understand Gods will. So, if you want to be righteous - thats one direction that works. And that is why God works for me! My time in L.A. gave me a lot of moments to think about that. To reflect upon what I want, what God wants and what Antichristians want. Like, my poor situation, though being actually enforced by their actions is by their argumentation something I should fault God for since God didn't do a thing to save me from that fate. And so, no matter how they wanna put it - in the end their tactics are nasty, bad and evil - and by joining them you wanna stick to the same tactics! You wanna show God the finger ... so, for the next point we got to speak of murder.
We can establish that if God is wanting to win, the Antichristians or anyone couldn't kill someone who's vital to that cause. Ergo - everyone that anyone can kill isn't much of an important figure that has any purpose on this planet - and so there is nothing wrong with doing so. And according to them we are to blame God that they can do that! Whatever. I don't want this to escalate into name-calling and such - so - the point I'm getting at will be quite clear. If you do value righteousness - then God will be your ally, and you may be Gods judge - as in: Judging God! And so yea, the Bible is full of cases where you can judge God as guilty of more than just one crime - as the entire book can be taken in as case of irresponsible neglectance - but is it there righteous to sentence God as guilty of a crime? Maybe ... I however don't want to judge God based on those stories.
Well, honestly, I didn't think about this a lot. I firstly honor 'myself' by not falling to iniquity and wickedness - and so, if I'm mad or upset about something I also like to show that. And aside of God not bending reality as I would have it - I have nothing to be mad for! I used to ... but again ... those were ... ... oh yea ... "here it goes again" ... my bias. Am I so moronically blinded by "that God" that I don't see how wrong it was to let go of those desires?
Well, isn't it the root of all evil to not let go of those?

I'm confused. Well, about something different. So, ... "they say that a Hero will save us [I'm not gonna stand here and way-iiit]" ... "X" ... and I would call 'them' out for taking it away from you to know who I am. But there's more than just one argument I know of that 'wrongs' this position I have. Not only would it be up to God to proove this and that about His power and wisdom and might ... but also arguably a rather minor act to tell me what to tell you in His defense. Even though they claim that I'm the Antichrist - and try to mobilize all hatred you could have against me. Which again, would be something God should be prepared for. And I think that is fair ... "ish" ... but yea, lets annoy them a little bit more by thinking about the Matrix.
So, this isn't directed at them ... but just so, since I don't really know what to write right now ... as a continuation of my rant. Its not like I know exactly what I'm doing here. My idea of them is that they can't even see 'the Opened Door' and 'Tidal Wave' with unbiased eyes. They look at it and really put all they can into seeing something wrong about it - which is why their position never really makes any sense to someone who's seeing it ... and is free to think about what he/she sees there. Where yea ... instead of faulting God for things written about Him in some book ... we can flip the table and start faulting the Antichristians for how they go about everything. How am I supposed to believe in their righteousness? I can't! Sorry ... I just and simply can't! And yea ... why should I at this instance not take the position of a Judge? So, who'd be more qualified?

If we wanted to judge God based on His actions ... the final 'act' itself ... not accounting for any reasons for doing so, why should I account for any reasons the Antichristians have for their doings? So - if I were to judge God guilty I damn sure had to Judge the Antichristians as guilty too ... and if I had to then assess a punishment ... Gods punishment wouldn't be as severe than what the Antichristians would've coming. Can you understand this position? Of course! Its ... not that hard!
When accounting for any reasons ... we're then obviously speaking about the 'aspired goal' - and where both wanna have a perfect paradise for everyone - we'd have to basically declare everyone as innocent - because hey - "I did it for a better world!". If that worked as a legal defense ... we had no crime ... but yet all the iniquities in this world. Weird. So, then taking a look how either goes about it - God acted up as warlord, empowered a nation to slaughter others, then showed up as Christ and made clear that he didn't come as a Warlord but to effectively kill himself to "fuel" baptism with the "juices of redemption", saying things like ... that we're all sinners, nobody is perfect, ... but we can be saved in the death of Christ; Basically saying that we should forgive each other - learning to understand how we're all different, thus encouraging us to be tolerant - and if we so make peace with Christ we can "have it" - that place in Heavens where Gods glory benevolently shines upon us. [Where Antichristians would demand me to add: If God is truely that eternal being in that position to grant us that/that absolute entity ...]. Eventually this is a critical issue. If God is Eternal and Christ is that Invisible Gods body then of course the Heavens are prepared by that God and therefore having peace with that God is kindof important. Now lets look at the Antichristians. Feeding Christians to lions, witch-hunting, inquisiton, abducting the Gospel and claiming it their own, starting a war against Protestants, ... which is kindof similar to Gods cruisade against the Idols of the middle east - but that wasn't an 'expansive' cruisade. The egyptians were pretty much left in peace ... the one King who went up against them didn't succeed, we still have hinduism, God sortof befriended Nebuchadnezzar, ... so there already is a tolerance; And kindof ... was the war against idols more of a passive one - protective of Israel or generally an ambition of backing up the claim of power; That idols aren't God; With what right? The right of victory! What victory if not a bloody one? Well - they were asking for it? Or the right of God? So ... Antichristians want to say - I suppose - that they do not accept 'Elohim' as being that one Eternal God that above everything that is has the right to call Himself God. Anyhow ... lets not divert from the case at hand. So, kindof similar to what God did - in that they forcefully pursued the eradication of what is ideologically against them; And that I guess also with certain limits - so ... is one better than the other?
To be honest - so far I'm more in favour of the Christ than the Antichrist. And in that regard I'm maybe biased ... but I think I'm still very pragmatic and neutral by looking at the cases in more detail ... as to go on and say: Well, Gods acts of violence have been mostly isolated to the person then family then tribes then nation of Israel. "Defense". So we maybe need to know more about that individual ... to understand more about Gods true motivation there. On the other side - sorry - I find that the Antichristians are mostly 'whining' - about how much more time God had to 'prepare' ... as God had preparation and the Antichristians sortof didn't. To however cut this short: From how I see things - God really seems to know what He is doing, while the Antichristians seem more like lost Children trying to play a game that just so happens to have paved a road with blood. I mean, we do have that "punishment by stoning" as equivalent to 'calling someone a witch' - but where I can understand why God did what He did I can also understand why the Antichristians would copy that - but while I can see more hideous intentions behind inquistion and witch-hunts, or Friday the 13th especially, I can't really see them behind Gods activity. Further can I see how Gods activity is more in favour of our free will than the Antichristians. The act of atonement is one final 'grace' to the pile of 'wisdoms' I have to give to God to say: In favour of the human being to evolve a sense of Righteousness - and I don't see anything like that in regards to the Antichristian EXCEPT for some childish/premature gibberish/whining claims only backed up by more of that. So I do ... if I were to sympathize with the Antichristians ... find myself compelled to exhibit the most wicked of what is within me ... encouraged to bold disrespect and ignorance unto all that I deem worth my adoration, sotospeak, which is not yet even considering the act of mutilation regarding the word of God; As to say: Taking away things that would explain to us more about Gods will. Now, it is arguably within Gods responsibility to safeguard His will - but that doesn't defend those that take it away!
Gods word to me is destinct and clear enough to make me aspire for the best I can be ... as to finally name "sins against the Holy Spirit". Where I previously mentioned the tolerance we are to ask of ourselves unto others - there clearly is a problem with that in cases of doing bad things and using the Gospel as an excuse for it. We don't know what the Law of the Holy Ghost entails - yet is it this general indestinctiveness that I "dig" since I "dig" how fallable the word can be! It encourages me to "play it safe" - as to not take the word of God in the most hideous and wicked way conceivable. So, in essence - I have to come to the conclusion, thats anyway the tendency, to give God a 'pass' - while I regard it as extremely irresponsible, blindsighted and moronic to give the Antichristians the same. And thats as close to a judgement as I get. Its sufficient - as to the point that if I 'had' to make 'finite sentences' - guilty or unguilty - you can pretty much tell what the outcome were.

But it doesn't end here, right?

In other words: Anything I can think of, from the top of my head, that is 'original' about the Antichristians is pretty much nothing that I like ... and even if you wanted to 'victimize' me in the sense of calling me a victim of God - thats not how I experience it. See - I just asked God, since I wanna be thorough here, whether there even is a way to get the Antichristians to a non-convoluted 'stance' regarding God ... to get to something as a 'score settling' ... because I don't quite see it. And that is in and of itself already a problem; ... . I mean, the "game" I played here obviously establishes on the "is God God?" question, kindof implying that the Antichristians want evidence for that. My "judgement" however isn't really a big achievement where they are ... like ... well ... saying that God had more time to prepare. And that again is yet another issue that now takes me into art - where as far as I see things the very same issue is on the table. Who makes the better art? In a sense that whenever someone comes up with something better than them, they are all like "Oooh, we didn't know about that so: 'unfair'". So we have to give 'them' stuff like the Legend of Zelda, Star Wars, Spiderman ... etc. - and then they send their hate-mobs to ... as they would call it ... 'balance the imbalance' - whatever that means. I mean, so yea ... lets say that F-Zero was a thing while Christ was still alive - so - we knew of Videogames before they even knew about Computers or electricity for that matter - and so whenever something original pops up its of course at first some huge conspiracy spun against them - and then we have the better more beloved franchises - where they claim that they could do better - but they can't because of 'hype'. So, all of a sudden we're the bad guys because someone was given a great idea, and they won't be pacified until they have the rights to produce under a given label or so. And to me ... I mean ... I can't ... "give them that" - as the impression that I get is that 'we' cannot have good things - "because conspiracy".
On the other hand I technically see where their arts are coming from. There is the 'power to the people' side where everyone can throw their ideas into a hat and it shall be produced - and the other part is experimentation, figuring out what works and what doesn't. So - the one half is stumbling in the dark, and the other half is 'eventually' gonna figure out what works and so ... where the point? Its only a matter of 'if'. To then say what? Have what claim? Back up which ideas?
That taking stuff from others works? That having original ideas is bad?
And it goes on I would say ... though I'm not sure if it then isn't just me throwing around with wild accusations!


Thinking about Star Wars: George Lucas was there to give his creative advise - yet they have proven themselves utterly incapable of any kind of cooperation or creative adaptability - and what is it now? Another conspiracy? Yet they took the risk of taking a huge dump on a much beloved franchise ... and sorry, but I am quite certain that most people agree with me when I'm saying: If you can't make something original work - how come you think you can do justice to the legacy of a masterpiece?
Because you have Star Wars fans amongst you?
And so, if you want to chalenge me in terms of creativity ... oh my, I mean - sorry. Yea, I'm the last person on the planet that - should be allowed to do so? Or, what page are we on? Which one do we want to open?

Lets talk 'the Legend of Zelda'. So, since the Nintendo 64 the Master Sword has lost its power - simply put: It can't shoot no more. But thats a thing it could only do when Links health was full - so - its not that elemental to the Game itself - its not anywhere necessary - and ... I'm cautious to not hate on that issue. I understand that it is part of some agreement, and I also want the reader to get that. What I mean by experimentation; What I "accuse" them of; Is now that ... my Designs did feature a pretty large map - and now thats what all and everyone is talking about ... that the map seems too empty - or so. And now they would assess if it was a good or a bad idea. Its difficult in the sea of emotions though; As I might like Horizon for being ... smaller? So, maybe I'm not even that good at creating things. But ... who cares?
I think ... maybe I did understand the feelings wrong. It may be that the Antichristians are really pissed because we're not supporting the games hype - though - who can tell who that actually is? But on the other end, sure, we could hype that game up all together, blindly ignoring any alternative and then sure - the game would arguably be the best game ever; Making me think: What the fuck is this whole shit actually even about? That certain hideous tactics that totally ignore the product per se work? I mean ... do we really need ... to proove that?

I don't ... understand. What - is - the point?

I lost myself ... sorry.


I see that basically everything about the game changed, but that its now again an Open World experience - which is marketted as though it were a novelty. The latter, well yea - why not? Its ... worth mentioning considering whats been previously featured. As most things changed there is a lot of originality - to the point where I for myself can't quite see how it even is a Zelda game - aside of a few elements that are yet there. And I personally don't like the art style.
And also do I not get the impression that the game is in the hands of someone who appreciates the chance of creating a Zelda game, but someone who wants us to eat shit because he abducted the franchise and won't let go until we bow to it.

So yea, maybe my mind is poisoned by hatred - but much of that is fuelled by the constant demand to keep my head low, eat shit, swallow dick, and feel ashamed of myself if I snitch off about it! Hmm, then ... I do see various ... "face off" projects. So, cases where there are a few set-pieces, themes, topics, elements, that both movies have to contain ... and then lets see who made the better one. But I don't find myself in the position to really present that - aside of guessing based on finding productions that seem oddly similar when narrowed down to that. OK ... is it then: Horizon vs Breath of the Wild? Underworld vs Resident Evil? Civil War vs BvS? But so, lets pick BvS for some reason. There is the opening scene where Bruce Wayne whitnesses the destruction of Metropolis. So - from a 'my inner Child' perspective, its good action ... I liked the feel, but how is that going to measure in once the hype closes that experience down? Once the viewer isn't supposed to enjoy that? Doesn't that kill the whole point? So yea, what can I say other than ... yea ... 'the people have decided' - and that ... BvS sucks. But what if I now throw in the claim that this is a fake victory since people have been setup to hate it? "Warfare"? I don't know ... Bullshit wherever I look!


But I have not yet seen a movie that is more hardcore on hardcore action cheese than Resident Evil:Retribution - best enjoyed with a bag of weed - and I do not feel bad about having enjoyed it! So, this is me sitting in my castle of ignorance and I don't need anyones confirmation to stick by my opinion there; Which I see is the only kind of statement to get out of this misery here! A.k.a. 'self-sufficiency'. And I don't care who made it! If its an Antichristian prouction - fine - well done! Gospeed - good job - and by the way: I do enjoy the entire 'Alice' twist to the Resident Evil lore. But am by the way not too familiar with Resident Evil ... because ... I was a nintendo Kid!

What I find growing up within me at this point is a bit of a new perspective. But now I lost my grip on it ... so ... I guess I don't. Now its dead. Sad!

So, am I anyway supposed to add my oppinion into this? Probably not.


So I started to play Horizon because I had test-played it and wanted to play more of it. Same with For Honor. For Honor however has a tendency to piss me off. I feel as though there's a lot of bullshit going on. I mean, I've seen a Video where someones opponent all of a sudden warped away - and I don't think thats part of a fair swordfight settled in a medieval swordfighting game thats not officially about fighting Magical Demons .... uhm, oops. OK, whatever - which is sad! So I can enjoy the game for what it is supposed to be, yet again, swallowing shit and what not, ... and once ticked off that way I cannot care to blame my own lack of skill as the sole reason for my failure! Then I'm asked to delete one of the two, SFV or For Honor. When I play SFV my hands get all sweaty but a feel good after a victory. In FH there were moments where I felt like I was the one who was using bullshit tactics - while sometimes defeated by that. Like, blocks all of a sudden apparently not working anymore. Or, is it a bug or a feature, that I wasn't able to select the Warden anymore? It was fcking greyed out! And that ... dude ... once you wanna tell me how I have to enjoy my game ... oh sorry, it ain't "My game" ... interfering that way with peoples entertainment is to 'me' ... no kidding ... I've written about that before ... in regards of Warframe ... I mean, to ... woooza, calm down, ... chill, ... relaax ... - breathe in ... let it out - ... good ... OK ... its a cruel act of disrespect unto a persons ... right to have peace. OK, I'm picking a fighting game to have my fun. I did buy For Honor because it was a chill experience ... at first. I was learning ... told me to 'accept your losses' - as a step to become a better gamer - and that works ... whatever. Thats my choice. I deal with it. But how is there a levelled base for honesty? The way I see it, there is "someone" having some idea that is gonna piss a lot of 'neutral' (or is it just a few specific, hand selected ones?) off - so, I don't know. But then ... how am I to make sense of it? The ordinary "deal with it"? So, obvious which game I'd rather delete! Matter of fact - I don't even know why I should keep on playing it! Its assinine!
And if I had to think: Which side would rather pull off such scammy tactics ... ... - do I look entertained?
Anyhow ... after expressing that I enjoyed Horizon, ... why is it that I "no longer want to enjoy it"? Although I clearly want to continue that journey? Bias here, bias there - and I feel like we're getting to the point where this whole ... I mean, I myself can no longer ... my opinion is that the Antichristians so far did a piss poor Job at underlining that they aren't actually bad guys! And oh, of a sudden thats nothing they ever denied. Oh, what a surprise!


Yea, right now its possibly still funny. We gave them this and that; And what have we left? I don't give a shit about that shitty Link though! Sausage!
So, what is it about anyway? Obviously ... and that was clear from the start ... no doubt (so ... don't get this wrong!) ... what they truely wanted. Bright as Daylight! But yea, how to even begin untwisting such a twisted ... group of people? They have their one narrative, then yet another, and maybe even yet another ... slapped me left, slapped me right, slapped me left, slapped me right ... you know ... Terrence Hill style ... and I guess there's only one thing left to say: They won!

OK! I cannot escape that! Based on the implied criteria - which is to let the people "choose" - or whatever - even so the final situation - I can't say that we/I won jackshit! And now what?
All that I see is failure though ... - not my/our failure however! There isn't even a foundation for saying ... whether this whole media fight is actually a thing, or is there? Ah, the Master Sword? I'm sure its kindof safe to say that Breath of the Wild did fail to convince the broad audience ... while Nintendo ... do I even need to get started? Oh yea, my bad! How dare I think this could be any easier? So, dear reader who isn't too familiar with stuff: Nintendo is a bad company! Thats pretty much a 'fair use' related statement. And 'fair use' is what would allow me to post my Matrix Videos on YouTube, because ... its ... a remix. I mean, OK ... its lengthy and thus ... arguably copyright infringement ... but hey ... due to the music the Movie is like a totally different one - and all in all is it a thing I would say is something ... like a natural phenomenon ... its nothing anyone can really claim posession of - other than what it itself does claim to belong to. I mean, so ... fair use is all about using copyrighted material to make something new. So, on YouTube, for the most part, making Videos about Videogames. Nintendo does however not seem to like fair use. They want a share ... if not all ... of the money that YouTubers make based on Nintendo related content. They effectively fear, and I guess you can understand that, to loose out on money due to people rather watching YouTube videos than buying their games; And so I guess its only fair that they get a cut from those videos. Yet, the devil is in the detail. It seems reasonable - but the actual victims of this policy are people that don't even create Nintendo centric content. People you would consider 'indepndent critics' get their videos taken down due to having Nintendo related content; Which has nothing to do with Nintendo loosing money due to 'lets play's. So, how about 'this' Breath of the Wild? And around that axis - yea, I'll say it, it doesn't even matter to me if Breath of the wild is a good game! And, how does that fit into the narrative?



[deleted some stuff | a day later]



You get it, right? I mean - emotions! Its not even about right and wrong! Its about 'perceived' rights and wrongs. You see it like that - got to love Nintendo; See it like that - and you wanna burn all of their buildings. Good? Bad? All I know is we live in a world that is full of this nonsense, and anything you could think of to better it is only gonna make it worse. Somehow. How to escape it? "Not listen to Bullshit" - but what is it? I mean, I wrote some stuff, got ahead of myself - feelin all dandy - and then there's that Gameranx video - 10 games that sucked 2016. First on the List. Well, Street Fighter V. Thumbs down, not gonna watch it any further. Played some Street Fighter V - and up to a certain time its hard finding opponents. Now ... that sucks! See any connections? I 'perceive' things as I 'perceive' them - make my judgements - and as a matter of fact, I'm excercising my freedom of speech here. I can go on - calling out for censorship - and matter of fact what I deleted was something in that direction; But, not in response to this little freakout here. The point would have been and is now not gonna take that long to deliver to make one thing clear: What good is the ideal of freedom of speech if we're gonna use it for censorship? So, if we're gonna be all up against it - lets ask that again: Why freedom of speech? Why, if not to make sure the Truth can be heard? For lies to burry it? Not in my book!

So its now all about "oppinion" - well - my oppinion is different - but whatever the case - its your call! Not to be on the same side as me when it gets to Street Fighter - because, can you fucking believe it? Freedom of mind, freedom of speech, freedom of thought ... don't pretend its so complicated! So, you didn't like it? Seriously? But how is the consensus? Where is the 'crowd' booing at SFV? Where's the thing? I call that terrorism!
Now you - most of you don't care, kindof. Practically. I mean - you're not ... its not your "business" sotospeak. So, thats ... "all of us". And you're gonna hold me accountable for my errors, right? Ahw, well - don't make it so complicated! Or you wanna be my bitches and make me give you commandments to obey? Wished I would? You wouldn't bother - right? Or, "only if it made sense" - and what makes sense is determined by whom? By you? You sure?

I mean - so, actually I'm not 'pro' freedom of speech - right? Or am I? Unclear? You sure?
Whats the matter? Is it about what I "say" (am 'writing') or about what you think I actually mean?

But well - I'm not actually mad because of that Gameranx video - I'm just still a little bit tense from catching up on Walking Dead so far. And the mood however syncs up. What "team" I'm on? Well - as of now - I would say Carol. I dig Morgan, Rosita annoys me, ... and yea, of course Deryl. Anyhow ... I myself am someone who likes it when people work together in peace - to the point that I would sometimes wish I could take away peoples free will so they don't do stupid things. But ... enough with that.


Back to the Antichristians 'vs' Me. And I say 'versus' because I wanna be clear that whether you think you're on my side or not - by being all .... worried about me picking the wrong side by sticking to God - you're not! So - the Antichristians might have gotten that glow in their eyes as they see it there - a fire or passion or whatever they wanna see in it inside of me that goes pretty much their way. Yea, so ... "try me". I have to suggest that if, despite it being technically nothing that would ever happen ... I "snatched" ... out of human imperfection ... its first of all something I'd want everyone to see. Because apparently choices have to be made, backed up with actions. Its a weird thing. Its about how thoughts evolve into actions. First we think, then we think about our thoughts, then we choose, so we do. Doing the right thing implies that something is done 'right' - you know - so - its not arbitrary! There is a 'criteria' - that of doing it right - making 'right' decisions - and who's gonna say what is right? Me? Of course me! So for myself!
If you cannot talk to me, well you can't! But talking to others, convincing them of what I should do - to then come with group pressure to force me to do what I think is wrong ... thats a big nono in my book!

So I'm asking you to aspire for peace - sotospeak; And what are you doing? In general - so much of the past (and if anything changed, not enough happened yet to fully take hold in my mind) - you're nitpicking on what I'm trying to tell you. Is that ... making any peace? (And no, right now I'm not Rosita, I'm rather Negan) Like that J.Lo bitch. I mean ... first she dumps me and then she asks me to run after her like a stray dog ... never considering that she may also have to give me some arguments to actually want that!
I mean ... if J.Lo is the least hot amongst all the females that are actually by some relevance within my reach - sotospeak - as made by God - what does that say of me? And don't try to twist this to say that I'm only picking those hotties! Nono! That wasn't what I was saying! Or to put it in another way: J.Lo wouldn't be that hot for herself but for me ... for my sake ... as my reward ... and that was back then where most of the bad shit that happened to me had not yet even happened. Right now, I can't give a damn about some lame ass bitch like that! Sorry, I also do have my ... demands. And I'm not looking for a hottie - not primarily. But if those bitches wanna turn their looks into leverage ... too bad! Lost me there!

I have also just seen 'One man Army' - and yea, actually I'm a bit of a Nick Cage fan. The movie is really confusing though. At first I didn't know that this dude really exists ... I literally thought it'd be a movie making fun on 'me' - personally. And I enjoyed it nonetheless. But yea ... crazy dude ... that guy! Well, got to give him respects where respects are due!
Yet, the Character of God sortof annoys me in that movie. Yet it makes sense ... and ultimately ... I'm even getting to the same end point! I was in love, followed that way, ... and ultimately couldn't give a shit about it anymore. But still ... its really a bit jaring at times.

But yea, maybe I am looking for hotties - but that more like - I mean ... I have no shame to admit that so far I've enjoyed getting banged by the more ugly dudes more than ... others. I can't change that!
Do I feel like I need to 'do' anything to 'deserve' it? Well, yea - sure! Kindof! Though its also weird to think of it that way! "What is Love"? The way I feel about it - that whole issue of what I did and did not deserve ... I feel like the most of it comes down to 'you'. What you think of me. Or 'know' ... for that matter. And on that matter I'm done! Not having it anymore!

So, some would say I shouldn't stick to God ... but lets summarize what God did to me - per se; And what not. How did I fall in Love with 'deluded Love 1 and 2'? It just happened - as I dreamed away. Got stuck on some feelings - while the second one was more of a 'fate' thing than the first. Obviously ... it had to happen; And what follows - may as well be not actually about me! Its her story! At least ... parts of it are! If I could loose out on her, she could also loose out on me! Seriously! Its not a one way road!
And same with Marijuana. Its the one thing I can't allow my partner to take from me! Ever! If that were a demand - goodbye and maybe good luck in the future!

At least thats how it used to be. Nowadays ... that mindset has evolved - saying, the whole concept of making any demands of that kind ... totally not digging it!

And yea, that also at some point is a matter of polyamorie. Its one of those things however that needs time to conclude. If I know what I want, I know what kind of partner I want ... full stop. End of the line - period.

If there is anything unclear about that - the weight for me is on personal evolution and not on making demands. As making any demands ... well, what kind of demands are we talking about? To me thats the totally wrong end to start with. Once thats where it begins ... I'm out already! Kindof. Of course you can't just generalize it like that ... there also can be good demands! But ... that left aside ... first the relationship has to 'work' - and when there then is anything rough around the edges ... yes of course there's place for ... "demands".

I mean ... why do couples get devorced if not due to arguments? And what is the root of those arguments? Disagreements! Or - person X comes home from an ordinary day as any other and the partner all of a sudden has issues. Possibly because person X did something wrong - all the time - and now the barrel just spilled over. But person X was unaware of that while its partner felt like ... he/she should know. Then they fight because neither is OK with the situation - and my issues with Kink are also somewhere round about these issues. Although I'm submissive and devote - that doesn't mean that any woman who is willing to Dominate me is like ... deserving my devotion. And deserving it isn't about being arrogant enough to dominate me hard enough! Actually its a simple and obvious issue. If I wanted that I might as well pay for it! And eventually I would ... or did ... no strings attached!
But if the Antichristians so far have been good for one thing - then that they always only look for whats wrong with what I wrote - which is actually, well, the story of my life. Thats how I got 'this' far - because whatever I wrote, someone always had to criticize something about it ... and so I looked into it ... and found my way on.
So, where does God come into play? At this point: God is not fate! If you blame God for your fate ... think again!
What I wanted to say in the previous thing ... which I did get accross quite well I think ... is that 'fate' (this is a bit better put though) is a matter of social dynamics. Yea you can excuse everything by "God should or would or could" - but so God also should, could or would stop famine, end natural desasters and so forth. Yea, maybe humans are to be blamed for that, but God should or would or could do things to not let things get that far! Right?
See, thats the "lazy" road - the - "I don't even try but let me just pretend I'm the saint of all saints" way of thinking.
I was reading that book ... in the Philippines (oh, I think I totally left that part out ... kindof) ... anyhow - that about the Roman Catholic Church/Antichrist - and I wanted to do something ... and some force appeared around me - and right away ... after that ... I got into reading the Bible and found stuff that did right away further my own personal understanding into a good direction. I did read Ekklesiastes - and my Marijuana born philosophy did get comforted thereby. It so was right away a thing I learned that, yea, the Bible ... has that kind of stuff in it! Now - whatever you wanna say ... that was how it went for me! You can make up your own stories - and yea, I might even ask you to; because the more confusing you'll make it, the more will people actually want to know the real truth - and thats where things ... are "on the edge of happening" - sotosay. So, in terms of lies or fallacies of "the Public" - such as seeing the Roman Catholic Church as synonymous for Christendom or divine or holy ... God was there to guide me along - I figured out what I wanted ... in greater simplicity than that book could convey (Because it doesn't mention Matthew 23:9. I mean, all the other stuff ... like ... try to proove that VICARIVS FILII DEI is an official title of the Pontiff! ... is kindof ... not so easy to get to the bottom of. But Matthew 23:9 ... thats pretty clear!) - and got to an end - of sorts. But my fate didn't change for the better - even so, rather to the contrary. Why? Well, because my studies and my belief ... there was no support for that, anywhere. Thats 'fate'. I then was about to throw the Bible into a corner or even did - not sure exactly - but then again that 'holy "light"/force' was there - and I stumbled upon other things in the Bible I might yet want to take a look at - and ... it was a mix of that and having nothing else to do/being at the bottom of my life (yea, well ... little did I know!) ... (to elaborate: I there had just quit my butcher training (That was way before I got baptized) - while being in Love with delusional interest 1 - and nothing in my life worked out in my favour. Butcher work depressed me - I stunk of raw pork - the stench was hard to get away - and ... life just sucked - without any 'light'; And I had just read passages of the Bible that promised to me that being faithful would fulfill my every dream ... sortof. Thats where I got mad at it ... and whether or not I should have stuck to my training ... something else happened) - and so I became a Nasirite. I became a pro, as far as I can tell, about all things God related - and yea, thats "Fate 2.0". I mean, its something God owed me - we might say - or was just taking the initial step to a more serious Level. Then I got baptized - which was the end of being a Nasirite - but ... then I was Baptized - so, God there once again ... and woop ... got into Unification. After Baptism I also realized that hoping for Love delusion 1 all of a sudden start caring for me after almost 4 years (yea, never quite made the 4 years mark ... whatever) ... nah! I realized that there was nothing that actually supported those expectations ... but so, the thing with J.Lo started on the premise of having a promise of sorts ... so I was in for another 4 ... ish years of waiting in vain. Although ... 'waiting' isn't all I did. I went to NYC, went to LA - and though there I did pretty much just wait ... well ... to me its pointless to flip and twist this nonsense either way. But while the first one did live ... kindof nearby ... I had no clue where to look for J.Lo. I went to her restaurant in LA, but ... I lack ... whats it called ... Charisma or 'persuasive power'. I can't ... I usually take the first answer. And thats just me. Except ... I couldn't let go of my love interest. So I was stuck here and there.
All the time it wasn't ever a story of "God wants me to do" - though it works to say that God wanted me to go to NYC and to LA. Not that he 'told' me - but it was more of a ... building up to the idea and then being not able to get the idea off of my head - and then asking God whether I should or not. In general we can also say that the Testimony ... not 'THE' Testimony ... there is kindof supportive of wishful thinking. Yet it makes sense. Even if God told me anything - all I could then do is to tell you that; And ... would that make a huge difference for you? I had some time to think about that ... during my 3 month in LA ... and thereafter ... and I don't regret either of those trips! They were well worth the time and money - and having set foot on those journey based on Love may have added to the magnitude of Gods support for me on those trips. I mean, so, these Testimonies ... of course ... its about me asking God and not about God asking me. Once God led me up to that question it so involved Him - but either way ... it were awesome trips.
Back from LA - well - I for the first time saw J.Lo kissing Marc Anthony - followed by some other shit that made me feel ... "not so great" ... so yea, 'fate' again. And the entire rest of the story, up until now, is pretty much the same. Things leading me up to a variety of ways to go - me asking God - God eventually saying yes and so I became a Prostitute, so I left that place - and so I am here now and not (yet) returning to the Mormon Church.

As of that I'm also yet trying to get my Software forward ... kindof knowing/seeing/understanding that its gonna be fail after fail with a bit of experience and insight here and there ... until ... whatever happens. I so also told my story in a letter directed at some Seventh Day Adventists I yet knew - but - nothing came as of that yet either. Another ... story of my life. SILENCE. ALWAYS.

So, where does God come into play? Come on! As if - its so hard to dig! If my story were to ever take a turn for the better ... would it be Gods work? CAN it be that? Well - if I assumed that none of you people are actually people ... yea! Can you make this story end in a good way without implying that some person does something? And how would that person come to do - whatever it would have to? ... 'Fate'!

There is a way ... kindof. Brainwashing, Mindcontrol, "Ensnaring", "Convincing" - ... the latter is in quotation marks because ... I can convince you to think for yourself - and help you to think of a few important things ... which is what 'I' do but didn't work out well so far - or the whole other stuff that I'm simply not made for! Which would also imply me ... you know ... making you 'do' things for me, as following me, because I convinced you by my Charisma or Willpower ... "staring you into submission" or so. Ironically, or "sadly" enough that seems to be what everybody expects me to do - and every group I directed myself to would expect another group I addressed to do the first move. "Go figure!".


"Since 2010/2011".


Since around then did I start to argue that way - then however gave up arguing that way, announced that I stopped actually working on MoA/Crystals ... and since then not a lot changed ... except that I started learning Tai Chi ... oh yea, and the whole ... Matrix thing.

And yea, I got a PS4 now! It matters because ... it actually helps me to not loose my mind!


Maybe it prevents me from doing other things ... like ... what? In first place it prevents me from going Nuts! Prior to that - yea, I had/have my PS Vita, a Laptop (which stopped working after like ... 2 years ... ish) - so, mostly Steam games that my shitty Laptop could run. Spelunky, ... Street Fighter IV (... on the edge ...), ... and I actually started playing Final Fantasy starting from 1. The only ones I played till then were Mystic Quest, FF 8, a bit of 10 ... and yea, 12. 10-2 also. So, I missed a lot of the earlier stuff ... and never quite had the time to fully get into 6. Whatever. Not that important!

And I didn't even get to finish FF1.

The thing is ... when I really get into programming its equally as difficult to distract me as when I start playing a game. Nowadays when I do some coding though my mind is usually bugged with things to write about ... so, "THIS" is the real distraction! And I don't know how many 'lists' I have written already to get some better structure into my site - but usually I'm taken into 'these' kinds of writings anyhow - which also fits the other narrative of mine ... which is that I cannot think of any structure while there is so much "alternate" "bullcrap" that "actually" needs to be discussed.


Then from writing my mind also gets tired - and I really seriously cannot be arsed to write any of that 'structured' "nonsense". I've written so much about it - it'd ... be easier if someone could just hand me what I wrote ... sorted ... something like that.

You can blame me - for whatever you want - but that doesn't make it right!


As for my Kinks ... well ... thats kindof beside the point but in certain ways actually part of some topics. In essence though I realized that God sympathizes with me, sotospeak; And if anything ... it helped me find something about my existence to enjoy ... aside of games - which - aren't really about 'my' existence!
I feel like I could yet write some more on that - but no - I'm through!


Right now ... God and I are pretty much just chillin'. Or ... I get nothing but "calm down" ish gestures from Him as I every now and then become a bit restless, or ... worried.


If I seem like a Sony "fanboy" to you ... well, yea ... that sortof is the case. And why not? Of the three companies - Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo - if there is one company that deserves my fandom its Sony! Clear! Microsoft and Nintendo are pretty much disqualifying themselves - and thats why I'm using Linux. So I wouldn't really call me a fanboy ... and yea - thats what people got called for pointing out why the PS4 was the better choice to them! So should I love Microsoft and Nintendo for doing the wrong things because Sony did things right? Not everything - sure - but ... what do I care? Its ... funny, ... or sad, ... how people defended Microsoft after what they tried to pull - and yea, apparently Sony tried the same thing, but they didn't! Actually were "fandom" the only reason not to 'first of all' go with Sony - in these cases! I mean ... lets just say "Its the better thing" (the PS4) - and woop ... shitstorm and whining about ... how I'm a Sony fanboy! Yea yea.

And it worked! Pretty much every Sony "fanboy" got silenced by now - like we have to apologize for having an objective oppinion! And - the real reason for having a PS4 is that ... yea ... its more of a safe bet that the games you 'really' wanna play appear on that console. I bought a PS2 to play Final Fantasy; I ignored Nintendo because I wanted to play Final Fantasy; and all that the MS/Nintendo fanboys can do is hate on that! Hate on everything that ever appears on anything but MS/Nintendo devices. And it is 'that' which 'triggers' me to hate back! I however don't need to attack anyone for that! At this point its self-defense!

Horizon Zero Dawn is PS4 exclusive!

I'm surprised that this 'Rome' game that was one of the XBones launch titles still has that much hype/energy behind it (for me)! Its ... crazy! Its there ... like embers ... whispering ... to me ... tickling my curiosity - but no, not test playing it - BUY AN XBONE AND ROME - maybe its even good. Whatever. The point is - I feel ... actually a bit uncomfortable by that ... "glow". I know how I feel once I'm excited for something, or curious - that isn't that. Its when I'm curious that these ... 'feels' come up - that wanna drag me in ... its ... that are really really shady tactics! To me! But ... you ... I don't know! I might wanna take that choice away from you - but the entire story with J.Lo that I'm sharing ... its pretty much the same thing! Sometimes you got to eat shit until you can't take it anymore to figure out that its not actually what you want!

So here again ... its ... the same here as there. God has ways to direct us towards games as ... there is other stuff that directs us towards games. I got to there come back to a story I've frequently told. How I stood there in the game store staring at the Box of UFO/X-Com (the originals, I guess it was Terror from the Deep though) - fascinated - but we didn't have a PC. And up until this very day its one of my favourite games of all time!
Neither did I regret buying Destiny. And I think I can be a bit proud of myself as I can't quite think of a game that I regret having bought. I mean, buying Duke Nukem Forever was a bit of a mixed thing. I bought it after it was clear that its not that 'great' of a game - and yea - it depends on what you expect I think. Its possibly fair to say and say it over again--------------------------------that this 'uberly horribly bad game' ... (do only exist on Steam XD) ... is actually harder to find than a good/decent one (or is it just me?). And rightly so 'every' game can 'suck' if you want it to! Except ... you know ... 'real' suckage occurs - even within a good game ... but then ... yea, its a mixed bag.

I would otherwise have to go and critique the critique of video games and such - which then had to go further and we'd have to ban 'oppinion' altogether. Its the feelings behind those things that steer the show ... and so there is this wonderful word: 'butthurt', a.k.a. the feeling when others like other games more than the games you like. But so, there you have it - and maybe it sucks to you that I'm the one who 'has' the Matrix 'thing' - but yea, maybe you can see what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to steer your attention onto things that maybe should change your mind about a few things! Done for today.


Lights in the Dark


by Christopher Nikolaus Sonnberger | 2017.03.018 | 11:53