Mach 5

I have an urge to write.

I'm restless.

I've lost any sense of direction, time is confusing.


"Loose ends" everywhere - naturally - as life goes on. Chasing for always yet another thing seems pointless - and thinking of my past - about the ways to go - its all about ... was there a way? School (University)? Not to smoke? Yet I've chosen the other way, the way of not going a way - ... - afraid of ... efforts to make, aside of the ones I've gotten myself into. I was honest, I think, thinking about this and that, yet never found a way before my heart, thus no stones to step upon.

Where's the point? Isn't life but a maze? And you end up there where it hosts your safety?

And where do we go? What is the definition of our goals? What to pursue?

Are we seekers of opportunity? Or rather just takers? And who are those that give them? Are they giving? Or are they taking?

So its 'will' - desires, consolidated by our minds - perceptions - as how to tell which road to take? The one along the green and beautiful alley? Or the one into the dark dark forrest, where lighting strikes as we look its way? It were as we'd find a parchment, telling us the way through that forrest promising a treasure at its end - knowledge, insight, consolidating our desires to move that way - as anyone else would take the other way eventually. But can this paper be trusted?

What is the truth? Is there truth? Or is it all just trust? And what to trust?

What is the definition of right? Yet another consolidation of desires brought about by our minds?

What do we know? No, I mean, 'what' - 'what' is it, what are the 'things' - 'what' are they? Which of the things that there are - and how do or would they compare to what else? Insight it seems is as a Kaleidoscope - and the full picture is nothing but a fraction completed by mirrors. Science, covering God. Religion, covering science. Spirituality, covering the divine. And what are we? Yea, "what is a man?".


Thus I valued Wisdom - but what is it? Where to find it? What is not crazy, in this world where we can establish that everything is? "Can't touch this [doo-dudu-doom]". I valued it; Lets just say that it were "the key" - an interest to see beyond the mirrors, an attempt at the full picture - and yet just another goal? A desire consolidated by my mind?

Well, wouldn't wisdom indicate that the very same fallacy were to be avoided?

Would it?

Wisdom would indicate that for as long as you're seeking to be confined within these loops, you will only make it out of there with luck at best.

Can you still follow up?

Tearing down the veils that cover the truth from before our eyes - what can we do other than asking that which is most high, above everything else, to bless us with it ... isn't that the only wisdom there is?

And if it takes us anywhere - what will it be? A delusion? A fantasy?

What does set a school degree apart from a fantasy? Isn't it the very tangible knowledge itself? The way that is the goal, not the goal itself? And what does set the man who found given knowledge apart from that? Isn't it the way to the knowledge? Again the way being the goal and not the goal itself?

Some people fought and found a fortune, like maybe Columbus; Others just were as sitting beneath a tree ... and the way just came their way, as it happened to Natanael. Seekers and non-Seekers. Thinkers and Tyrants. Oh yea, Isaac Newton wasn't the only one who ever sat beneath a tree ... they say the same of Buddha!

People who did something - unlike a lot of the rest. Living and Dieing - well - where does it go from here?

Only one answer seems fair: Down the loop - if you lack the wisdom to escape! Chasing Monsters through Mazes - ... which is a reference to the movie "Monsters and Mazes" ... a really depressing movie to watch.


And in 6 minutes the movie Jurrassic World already lost me twice. How is the world these days so full of shit? Indominus Rex? Whoever came up with that name ... I don't know. I'd say "needs to get shot" if there were any place for cynical statements left in this world!

That was the third time the movie lost me!
Or the 4th? I mean, the wall of screens ... I mean, maybe its nitpicky to count that.

Makes me wonder. Was Spielberg Talented, or just lucky?

Oh, that was some other dude. OK! Sorry!


Yea, how did the bible say? Where there's carrion there are the vultures!

I can't help but ... the movie wants to make me punch peoples faces! Uh, makes me want to.

The guy who wrote the screenplay ... ahw, I ... OK, sorry! OK!? I'm soorry! Lets ... just ignore that this movie even exists!


Or is it a case of, ... how is it in english? That 'not helping' equals guilt? Then I may as well be guilty for everything in this world - as there maybe is a way how I could have been a Taliban and talked some sense into Bin Laden prior to September 11. Yea, maybe if I ran away during some stay in the Philippines?

Makes me think of Godzilla though, the Emmerich movie, as thats the earliest one I know that brought it up - the ellbow thing. That message did however not make a lot of sense to everybody it seems. Yea, you kindof got to be an asshole for reals to pull through with asshole behaviour and not give a shit? Asshole, untalented - where's the difference?
Its kindof funny, though actually sortof depressing, to now be here - a decade later - and see where things went. Would I have known of Jurassic World for instance, I guess I'd have been a lot more chill the recent years. But I guess that me looking sortof scared of the future ... that may have made them a bit more convinced of their thing. Star Wars ... lol!

OK, 24 minutes in and yea, that was kindof cool. OK, that "I don't control the Raptors, we have a relationship" part was pretty good too!


Now well, this is certainly a case of prejudice. It is in many ways, I would say, a real predator ... . Wisdom? No Wisdom! Foolishness! Desired consolidated by our minds - that ... worked out ... since when? I can definitely approve of that movie now!

It makes me remember ... stuff from my Childhood. Good things. Reminds me of Jumanji ... and Donkey Kong Country.


What is wisdom? What makes it? To me ... as I'm reminded of my errors ... it is what allows us to be Children again, after having grown ... beyond that. Biblical Wisdom for sure is a lot about ... trusting the Lord, heeding good advise, ... and what - if not that - do we loose first when we grow older? For what displays the emergence of our intellect better than our upsetness about that which brought us forth? "Brats" as we might call them - or edginess that just wants to make you ... ungh ... take a juice swing ... ? Those are people, arrogant people, arrogance ... picking out a tiny fraction of the whole, calling it everything that is, erecting walls that block the sight upon what else might be ... like drills that just know one direction moving on and on - and like locusts, ... one alone is not a huge threat ... but the more there are the the worse it gets.

And thats not wisdom either! Its ... an observation. Lets call it that. It as well is just a tiny fraction - a fraction that once taken to heart too much might make you grow an inherant hostility unto whatever facial features you associate to that. And so ... there's prejudice again!

What a sneaky bastard!

Like a rat! Uhm, ... I'm watching Inglorious Basterds right now ... it kindof fits the theme. Nazis and Jews and Americans ... but in a war like that Prejudice ... eventually ends at the sight of which Uniform you're wearing. Its as ... the moment you take on a Uniform, you trade in your personality for that of the Order you follow. But also that, eventually, adds up to Prejudice.


There's something of a medicine against prejudice. While prejudice is like knowing everything, the medicine against it is 'not' knowing everything. Buuut, its yet possible to be an asshole then. Que-wawa-wee que-wawa-wa.

Just some, intellectual ping pong there.

Yea, shit happens. One thing leads to another and on and on ... . There's stuff going on in my mind and sometimes when there's "too much" its mostly just noise ... and right now there's pretty much only noise. I was recently writing about something with exclamation marks. Those are pretty clear impressions - not consistent ... they amount to something over time. I would by now assume that its just a matter of something being off about those peoples ... attitudes? Or thoughts? They are however there within an area that others don't even qualify for. I'd be insulting TB if I didn't approximate the exclamation mark count as above 16 for sure. Undoomed however is more so on the 4 to 6 - and the other guy is somewhere around 14. The thing is ... what would you do? Or think? You might get the idea that you'd get something similar on just about anyone "like that" - but what is "like that"? There are many possible answers! Like, basically in about anything you could think of! I think of ... this and that ... and realize ... I don't know! Nazis? Hidden somethings? Well, the latter rather than the first as I think ... whatever ill seed I'd count them to, there's got to be more than 3! And think of the most obvious ones - I don't quite see any of it!
I'd say, we agree but disagree! And my appreciation for their work, no matter how 'one-minded' we might seem, isn't entirely without complications.
But why would it matter?
Attitude, ... ego, ..., but maybe I just don't want to see the obvious!

Prejudice like this or prejudice like that? The one thing certain is that thinking in these regards doesn't really help us at all!

Maybe there are some other things though. Like ... I can't help but get shook up once I ... in my imagination sotospeak ... see folks with gloves ... like those of Micky Mouse. It makes me sortof ... alert. Its something I do somewhat react kindof sensitive to. Just like seeing that "the Boss baby" thing. Thats like ... a bundle of TNT per se, like everything wrong in one place. Thats kindof the other side of what I've seen coming - or rather - feared coming. Though I'm a bit surprised by it too. There is this image of that guy which is kindof burned into my mind - and whenever I think of that image or of the Antichrist - its basically the same thing. Though I would dare say that I don't quite believe that this is how he actually looks - or should I rather say: looked?
Its an ego thing I suppose.
You know ... having a bigger cock and all that.
Apparently so huge he just gots to drop his pants and bang!

And yea - thats not the kindof guy you distrust and want to have as your best friend while thinking of actually having a girlfriend.

Add to that the predatorial mix between a sociopath and "the alpha male" - and yea, makes one kindof uneasy I suppose. At least me. And I'm not sure if I'm just shitting my pants or if there is some divine wisdom to it. I mean, I do still feel quite ... comfortable ... in a sense. The thing is ... no matter how often I've thought about it - a direct confrontation never would do. On a huge public stage with lots of audience, well yea ... thats a somewhat different thing. There its easy to display the fallacies of the opponent provided that he's trying to hide stuff ... and to make a big deal out of things told and not told - like Testimony, the Matrix, Unification, the Supremacy of the Most High ... that sort of stuff. But when writing about it - ... its all just words, accusations; A sentence said another one forgotten. Moving on and on - but well. I just doesn't really work out. "Slippery as an eel" they say. It stays pretty for some time - but - I can't even find some words to say.
Oh yea, 'pointing fingers', as they say ... whats the point? And how? I'm standing here on the sideline - while eyeing on plenty of women before whom he might then wanna let his pants down. And what do I do then? Oh, ... uhm, yea ... how to live like that? As they always say: The worse part is the not knowing!

Oh yea, my thoughts are in deed not much clearer than that!

And ... I was just triggered into it by some imagery ... that I had to think about. And possibly have gotten myself into talking some trash in process. I mean, I don't have a direct way - yet I also don't have an indirect way. There isn't even a way to think of a way - ... obviously. To where? To what? But I'm sortof well aware of one thing ... that there's trash coming from multiple directions. And what seems to good to be true - like the aweful mess that is 'the Force Awakens' - I'm rather suspicious about it. Are they suiciding? Or is it real? And I'm not even sure what I just mentioned that got me into this mess I'm feeling myself in right now. Probably that I claimed that on a public stage I wouldn't have much of a problem handling him. Yea, kindof. Feel the juice flowing there! "Oh no!". Yea, they're scared of me!
But yea, why does it not work when I just write down what I would say?
Because ... "you know why" ... Testimony, the Matrix, Unification, the Supremacy of the Most High ... "psshft" ... "come on!" - as much as I write about these things, or 'have to' (yet) write about them - and that over and over again - as much did he apparently already explain why that is nonsense. Spoiler though: It isn't! (Nonsense). And there we have a point for wisdom! Why is or is it not - nonsense?
"Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or Peace?"
Oh yea, DMX would also be on the exclamation marks list!

But I'm sure that its more of an attitude/ego thing. Likewisely I can see that Antichrist image even in myself if I want to. All it takes is to be a little bit suspicious and you'll eventually never get it out of your head. And that for sure isn't a healthy basis for mutual trust and all that. Then there are guys like Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson that don't make me feel bad at all - but demonizing Marijuana?

As I mentioned - those exclamation mark folks, they're on a list of people that others like Anita Sarkeesian for instance don't even qualify for. But whatever.

On the other end there's Undoomed - and I'm not sure, but this avatar he's using - he's on the one side apparently stronger than on the other, physically - a bit like me - as I'm masturbating too much and don't do enough sports to counter balance the ... muscle buildup.
So I'm a bit moved towards a more friendly association to him. But there are other reasons than "Oh no, its a trap" - and a few exclamation marks won't change that!


It could even be a bit more crazy than that. Like, I think of them positively, get to write about them, thus making them think that I'm somehow trying to make them lean towards me in consequence to which they're leaning away. Or making you think that there's some more legitimate thing going on which they can't confirm ... issues like that.


Years ago ... I had a bit of a feeling though. I was in a spot where I couldn't do anything while "they" have been at a spot, well, with a lot of opportunities - and while they already stood on a higher ground, they were even so about to 'lift off' - and all I had was my fantasy.
But nowadays it seems like the tables have turned ... but I don't know how to deal with this optimism - or that feeling of standing on higher grounds - especially since I'm actually not really seeing any of it.

And why does it matter?

Maybe because I'm clairvoyant ... or because I'm delusional.


Makes me wonder. Who am I? Why am I 'here'? Do I even know english?

What is my goal? Where have I gone? What is my way? Have I been wise? Or was I a fool?


If so only a fool thinks that he never acts foolish - it must be both. But where is my wisdom then? Well, ... thats rather simple, as ... if its anywhere, if I have any, its within what I did do rather than what I didn't - and that so not within the foolish things I've done. Its the one thing, the one way - ... Salvation. What makes me the Keymaker rather than Neo - ... as the thing that all my problems revolve around!

Its not about me or what I want - what I can or can't - whether I have a big enough cock or silky enough hands or a cute enough charme - being balsey enough or considerate enough - ... or how many boobs I touch once I just spread my arms ... or how many dildos I can shove up my ass ... as so far, there's always been someone who was more than what I am ... as, if I were proud of my belt, there were someone who has two ... except maybe when it gets to the fringe.
Like, whatever I may find when looking into the mirror - the Xenomorph is the image that stuck around.
Its the teeth!
(Yet without the slime. The stench might be comparable too! But what do we know?)
But yea, what can a single Xenomorph do? Other than being the Antagonist or the Prey that dies at the end?
Well, killing a few assholes along the line perhaps.

But no, all that cock-fighting ... that whoring for attention, hustling for superiority - I never really had to deal with any of it. Sortof.

No, its all about 'the Truth' - knowing it, ... or that one part of it ..., that gives me a purpose, a reason to be around, a way to renew the world and so, ohps, power! Being in touch with the real God - the living God - having a message for everybody - knowing the Gospel! Preaching it - to the best of my knowledge without vile intent. And so all that cock-fighting, its just about that! Who's "the real deal"? And all that. Like I could come up and say: I'm in touch with the living God and those fuckers that you're adoring there are nothing but backfaced wanksters! Where is the point of being boasting of the Lord when facing people who are as out of touch with the Lord as in touch they think they are?
Peoples whos entire divine knowledge boils down to pride and prejudices?
People you can't reason with for all they'll do is reason with you about how wrong you are?
People to whom it would or does seem propostrous that I might claim to know 'the' Truth?

"How offensive!"

Yea, that knowledge I have may eventually be boiled down into three sentences - sure - it never really was any more complicated than that. But the one who's given the rights to preach it, is given the power to change the world ... ish.
I would have thought that that would be incentive enough for people to take this thing a little bit more seriously, but ... people taught me better!
Or worse ... basically.

To expect less!

And what to do about it? Growing a bigger cock? Just like so?

Is that wisdom? Or yet just a tiny fraction of the all?


There's no biz like showbiz they say, but sometimes ... more is less!


And so I never really had a choice. Instead of chasing after them and fail in process - I just skipped on the chasing part ... sortof. I chased my own dreams for sure - but thats a thing we can take as seperate cause.

And if anyone but them reads this ... there you go! There's a way! And waiting for it to open ... wouldn't that be wise?
OMG! Now people bitchin about that? OK ... then ... what is wisdom you morons?


Well, it would be if it were the only way! It'd be certainly foolish to just go away and eventually miss it!
But who would know? And thats the whole point! If you think you smart - you stupid! At least so in the finges of reality, ... where Lights aren't Lights and Ways aren't Ways ... where everything is in about the same and equally a wrong turn - where there is no other hope but the helping Hands of God!


I mean, how ... urghm ... in monkey voice: You go God asking Truth!

Banana!


I'm a Tipi, I'm a Wigwam! (Too Tense!)


Its not that simple I guess when values contradict and all that. But ... maybe this is a good example to get further into the 'direct confrontation' stuff. What is wisdom? What is Truth? There to me is a simple line - a simple pragmatic line - lack/mangle on one end, and eternity on the other - and a line connecting the two points. We can call it simple, logical, pragmatic, ... but also as wisdom. Wisdom due to the more fundamental invocation of the Eternal/Divine/God. The independent, higher up pool of insights - that simply transcends our limittedness and hence accounts for that which is true above all and yadayada - where your assessemnt is possibly nonsense as how can the human mind properly do that? But so we're again on the side of 'mangle' - and thats just it. You can hold up the mirror and block your sight onto that which is potentially higher than all of us - but so - thats your problem then!
There so is a simple line to be drawn where 'if' there is a return, there 'is' a return - which is as much science as thinking of the apple that fell from a tree. And so is the bullshit always gonna be about somehow making this very simple and pragmatic truth look anything but OK. While you don't have a Testimony you might easily get fooled by that - but yea, if the crowd is mostly morons - they're gonna equally pretend that the Black Knight won (Monty Pythons reference).
If only Gods Testament would manifest as something like Thors Hammer ... .

But thats that - a symbol of Status Quo we might say. While the true value of it is for you to know. Its not about me! But its here and there turned around as about me. So you might be worried this or that way - most likely hand in hand with me looking stupid and you wouldn't wanna be on my side then, right? So ... as I said ... pride and prejudices.

If thats where you are ... you're metaphorically still stuck in the earlier lines of this - all the way up there - without a single clue about what the heck I've been rambling all the way since.

But well, yea - we 'do' live in a world where people are easily offended by the Truth! Women have vaginas - oh, how sexist!

As a passage of one of them Books reads (I translate): "Within this conversation they came to a steep and thornthickened Footway onto a beautiful plane; There stood a Temple. We want to see this Temple, said Kosti. It isn't necessary, replied the Hermit, for it is built unto an Idol that calls itself Selflove. Selfdunk, Pride and Righthavingness rule there and offer the traveller a cup of which he drinks his self in large swallows and gets drunk of his ego."
and it goes on: "As Kosti arrived with the Hermit on that plane, he saw the most marvelous figures. Some walked consistently in a circle around a Statue, which presented the Turth, and desires whipped them round about until they collapsed. Who are these people? asked Kosti. They call themselves scholars, answered the Hermit; Their selfpride and their passions whip them round about an eternal Circle in being always equally distant from the Truth. - There, he continued, sit others, that call themselves 'Worldwise' (Worldsages? Wise of the World); They have a measuring rod in their hands and measure everything according to the measures of their opinions and hence find necessarily many things too short and many things too long. This one there, which is stuck in the mud unto his armpits, is a Critic; He besnores those, that walk on straight paths, and throws upon the passerbys the feces of his Jest, which let him sink deeper, than he believes. - There again is another, he reads in a huge Book and makes miracle of it, although in that book not a single sillable is written. It is a book of composed mirror pages, and for he sees in each page his ego, so he's verily delighted by it."
And it goes safe to say that when pointing your finger at someone else, be aware that three are pointed onto you!
And to close this off, it goes on: "While the Hermit spoke such, a gruesome ratteling of chains was heard. - What shall that mean? asked Kosti. - Be patient for a moment, said the Hermit. The Sacrifices are led into the Temple of passions. There came the Selflove and the interest, Eschems Servants, and in long, heavy chains they towed the pride, the greede, the lustful, inert vengeful people into the temple of the betraying Dieties, which they worship. Furies followed them and whiped them unto the blood. How unlucky are these blinded people! said Kosti. Is it then possible, that their Spirit doesn't swing higher - that they don't have a hunch that beyond these plane further up a better Destiny exists? -
Those taht we cannot better, Kosti, the Hermit replied, we have to pitty. Fallacy and Bad Habit always punish themselves, for they seek distance to the Godness, und distance from Light is Darkness, and Darkness is punishment of the Soul, which is made unto the Light. Come, we want to move on."


To me this passage has always been a reminder of what I don't want to be, of where I don't want to end up being. When taken too literally or seriously - it eventually applies on everyone - for "what is a man" that just tries to Live? And I might find explaining myself in Light of context to this passage - regarding these things and those things; ... but that is as trying to argue with that man who's reading in that huge book - who's always gonna see inside of it and finds nothing but himself.
The simplest way to speak of making it past that plane - is to just ... 'see the way' - to understand that there is a goal - further up the mountain - and to just move on until you get there!

And what do they find, further up the mountain?

It goes on, right away: "They walked on a secluded way, rough was the footsteep, which welcomed them. Various adventures occured to them, but they travelled on their way, without letting themselves made crazy. After a bit of a distance they came to the front-yard of Wisdom. Here they layed down their travelling garments and took on white garments, which the priest had given to them. They overnighted in the front-yard, and above the doorway there was written: Here is the Place of Cleansing.". Then there is the Place of Observation and then the Place of Unification.

Well, kindof obvious.

But somehow, that is peeping ahead. Its 'the Truth' - like that statue - which you might feel compelled to move around in circles of.

The story does at various points have a way of telling that ... well ... those figures of guidance, like the Hermit, aren't around always! They come and go - and so there is life! Its your life that you are living - and life isn't always as a Videogame with clear Mission objectives ... and it goes a bit as saying: "I'm not gonna stand here and wa-yyyt [...] watch as we all fly away!", to take it back to the 'Thors Hammer' analogy - its something you wanna grab for yourself.




Xenomorphin Power Sodding Wisdom


CNS.2017.03.31|11:05