I have a little sister now
... talking about being Schizophrenic ... I've been reading myself into that matter because one suggested that
I might be ... which, given the things I've done with my life, ... well, is certainly within ranges of the possible.
As far as I get it, it isn't 'split personality' per se. Being schizophrenic is 'that' in a sense of - so the way
I think I am to understand it - that the person 'hears voices', suggesting some 'rogue part of mind' that, well,
decouples itself from the rest. Maybe.
My little sister, well, "my little sister" is that part of me which has ... quite a hard time. I'm currently - so
the realtime medical background - in a void. The void between two movies. Part 1 was about having issues and going
to places, talking to people, ... specifically about treatment/therapy in a clinic due to my eating disorder with
some adjacent stuff regarding my "depression". So - eventually that cycle closed back at my house doctor ... and
... nothing is going to happen and I have to go to some more places. The issue with a therapy for my eating disorder
is ... apparently ... that I have to first gain weight (one point on the BMI) before they would accept me. Yea, my
house-doctor was flabbergasted by that as was my first reaction; But on behalf of him I'm supposed to look for a more
specialized doctor to take over my case. On the other side I still have the 'choice' - to that "other therapy".
There is that "saying" in the Bible that goes "doctor, help yourself". Jesus used it as a negative example, so, something
that people say - as something he isn't that fond of. And if we're reasonable enough we can understand that. But so it
is written here and there that God does miracle; And so there is the 'yet' "gotcha" way of saying: But we can expect
that from God. So, my dilemma. Like - the Bible isn't clear in that regard. The living God is a God of miracles; And yet
he can't tend to our illnesses? Well, Jesus did by it waving the magic wand - but isn't it ... "oddly ... convenient"
that just when you want to put these things to a test ... its kindof not how it works? The point I'm getting at is that
I myself did stick to the "God is my Doctor" "episode" of things. So, following the motto "What do I know?" - let things
be taken care of by God. So, in the "Doctor, help yourself issue" realizing that if nobody "wants to" or whatever help
me, I got no other choice anyway.
And well, Ignoring real life troubles and sotospeak 'pretending' that everything is OK and works out just fine did so far
work out really good for me. And I mean that quite literally. As I can make an example of in regards to the Matrix stuff.
There is "that" 'natural counter-reaction' that I'm aware of, uh - that in the one time the whole "System" seems extremely
fluid. Like movie and music are just happening as they're happening. On later revision it however gets clear that they aren't
that fluid. They are rigid. At least some would want to believe that. There my claims are unrealistic; Because the more stuff
that there 'is', the less likely anything is to 'fluently come together'. And I would just ignore that and succeed at it
anyway. And such behaviour is normal. We call it 'taking risks'. Well - we do it whenever we (chose) to do something that
hasn't gotten a 100% clear outcome. The way I really came to get a hold of it, that was just playing around. Never questioning
the bigger logic or truth behind it. (I guess we could call 'peril' about it the "Jar Jar Binx" phenomenon. Well, in this case the matter
that one aspect of a whole is "bloated up" so much that it transcends the confines of its own box, basically. So, like
TV coverage spent on Trump was coverage not spent on Sanders. Sotospeak. That we're biasing ourselves one or another way.)
(I'm not ignorant about my actions. My objectivity however is relative to ... a living God for instance (-> not 'normal')).
Now I'm at a point where the practices of helping myself do consider seeking the help of others. Well, naturally. 'Help' ... that is
... always basically something that, if someone needs it, can't be accomplished by the one in need of it. But while I so follow
along the statements of the Psychologers and Neurologist I've been talking to - it gets clear that there are two sides to the issue.
The one side is physical, the other is psychological. With the cause to the physical condition being however a psychological one;
Just focussing on the physical won't help. That I mean to the point of saying that if I expect others to help me, I need to understand
how far their help can reach. Hmm ... I just have to think of Two and a half men here. The "Charlie Harper" type of patient. More
specifically - I see that Charlie Harper type in me too - even active - but thats not "the part" that seeks Therapy. It is the part,
well, that falsely assumes something is wrong. Like ... earlier this year as I "fell out of"/quit that application training
job creation plan measurement thing, I was in a state of ... wanting to do good. I wanted to be there, find a job, etc.. A part of me
however. So I tried to get myself into check-mates that would force me to go there. Like, making promises or attempting commitments;
So - basically to put my own reputation/white-west in as incentive to comply. And I think a bit of that also sinks down into "shame".
Saying - there is some point of self-awareness where I ... am just ashamed of myself, basically, and intend to correct myself in
response to that. So ... being a ... 'good citizen' and stuff. Abiding to some norm. In a way though you could call that 'corruption'.
So, psychology is at the base an attempt to understand the ways our minds work. A psychologer can at that ... not truely help. I'd say
that psychologers rather learn from their patients; While the 'school of psychology' would gather made insights and those in turn enable
the psychologer to be of assistance. Even if there is no cure to depression - it is a known problem. So, "you are not alone". The problem
with psychological wounds however is that they aren't visible - and so, can't expect as much consideration as their physical counterparts.
Uh, where was I? As far as I'm concerned, right now my case is closed. I don't expect much more 'help' to come other than telling me that
I have to gain weight on my own. Which to me feels like an unsurmountable challenge. I mean, I literally despair in my lack of appetite.
I want to eat, but as much as I want to eat; Something inside of me resists. Just going out like that ... standing in a supermarket ...
thats ... almost torture. I feel like succumbing into tears. Maybe in the hopes of getting deported into a hospital where I'm getting fed
up to some acceptable degree, whilst being taught how to eat well. Maybe. I'll eventually get there.
Part of the issues there would seem to be that of motivation. So - in essence: Once my malnourishment has a psychological cause, it won't
help to feed me because that psychological source of the problem will continue to be a thing. So is the primary 'crippling factor' of
'rehabilitation programs' - I suppose - that of the associated expectations. So - the part of getting shoehorned into a system ... you're
at the very least unfamiliar with. Oh no, well - it is a ... delicate issue right there. Rather than unfamiliarity, there is dissonance;
Like ... how your desires line up with those you have to have. So, take homeless person X, give it a complete makeover and put it into a
nice and shiny home. Center focus: The kitchen. The person in the picture needs to now have certain ... desires (motivation) - ignoring
education and skills for the sake of simplicity - to sustain that particular lifestyle.
So is there the one branch of Psychology which attempts to 'help' by encouraging the individual to do certain things, getting used to them,
sparking some motivation ... which is basically nothing but brainwashing. You don't need a degree to offer that kind of help! All you're
doing is to tell a person with deep problems to go F itself.
Deeper problems. So - as of this journey I've taken home 'one' thing: An enourmous boost ... in associating to my "female side". I would
stop to notice: This way of me referring to myself is already extremely broken. I feel about it that way at least. Sorting everything that
isn't just my "boldest cognition" away into items like that isn't maybe all that strange - but I so also don't really let the things that
I say are me be myself. I sort those things away; Just as the male stuff ... while all along ... what am I but an empty drone?
And that is also part of the problem.
Throughout this time I did 'barely' come to truely ... 'chip away' at the real problem. And that is my own reluctance to change.
See, I am 'myself' and I'm fine with that. Any fantasy I got is ... far far away. It keeps me busy however - which makes me a dreamer -
but I could never help that part of myself anyway. But, when I say that I'm fine with it I am only talking about my cognition - the
part of me that is ... 'dreaming' ... - ... . OK, lets rewind that.
My "female side" ... well ... what is that? When talking of me from an outside perspective, there first of all is no side other than the
physical. The next question is that of how much of me is in those things? Some of our reactions for instance are autonomous. Like, that
... game ... where you see ... colored words reading another color, so the word 'red' written in yellow for instance; And you have to
say the color of the word as fast as possible. Or when overexposed to certain things our minds get 'charged' - like - a lot of people
having had a need to be vocal about their fandom of Game of Thrones made it what it is today. I suppose. Because of that I can be more
vocal about something that I couldn't care less about. And things I do care about get forgotten. Its "societal nature" I suppose - an
inherant devaluation of who we are individually, while upping our value as members of groups that drive our society/economy.
Right now my wardrobe is, in my sense, garbage. I guess my way had been already settled as I generally disliked any addition to it that
furthered my male options. But so eventually the course I took. I refused to 'get out of myself' - where to my own standards, ... I didn't
have a way to. Or, no 'reason' to. That in part because mostly my female side to me was just sexual fantasy. Basically.
Long story short: I've come to a strong realization of the harsh contrast between "letting me be myself" and 'encouraging myself to become
myself'. So, getting referred to as a woman, or at all being able to embrace that progress that has been made towards becoming one - that
was new to me. It was unexpected. The effects of that however wore off eventually. Saying: The positivity that came along with it has been
tied to expectations that couldn't be satisfied so easily. So, each step was a step into the right direction, but not the full stretch.
Of course! It would be silly to expect that! And that comes in ... to mind ... eventually; And so "you notice" - OK - ... OK. Maybe I could
expect more. Of a perfect society at least. This chore of constantly remotivating myself to take actions. Anyhow - one of the things I have
to do myself, if I want to steer this ship around, is to invest into a female wardrobe. And without it I can forget that part of the
therapy where I'm told that I should start to dress that way.
And I don't have a lot of cash. And ironically I don't have the energy for an extensive shopping spree. Nor too much confidence in finding
what I want. Yay Amazon. But ... "do I really want to spend money on that?". "Absolutely!". Which is - where it goes down. So, the one
moment I have no money and think about what to invest in when I do have it - and when I do have it I usually have less than I would "need"
- anyhow; And I have to be reasonable. I have to think about what I spend money on. The one moment is a flare of passion - then my rationality
needs to come in and think about whats best. My 'little sister' is now that part in me - well - that I 'have to' treat.
That however helps me to further think about my eating disorder. So, 'myself' is as a tyrant keeping her hostage. She is what I want to be,
but a part of myself that basically sits between that and the way I interact with whats around me doesn't allow her to be. She is me as far
as my own perspective is concerned. So, what I really think about what dress or outfit, ... where my eyes are at and what I want to be.
Well: As it goes: Feeling stuck in the wrong body ... thats, one has a lot of 'space' there where feelings go on. Whatever my outside life
should be like - within I feel differently, ... and once you were to go and ignore that, you'd end up similarly to me.
The exact moment was me in a store looking for some paper stuff; And I saw a small booklet ... and some voice in me was making me think of
my little sister. So, that part of me that felt ... it might want that. But then that wasn't what I was looking for, didn't buy anything
and bought burgers instead. And that kindof makes me feel shitty about myself now. So, going for my own pleasure instead of taking care of
my little sisters feelings, sotospeak.
What I so mean by "chipping away at the rock" are things that make me feel better, ... and thereby specifically referring to 'that' part of
me that allows me to embrace my true gender. Strangely enough, I usually find something wrong about 'those' specific items in question -
and - I haven't bought even one of them. It are little things ... things that would 'tip the balance' of something into the feminine; And
thats a part I'm somehow ashamed of comitting to. But yea ... thats that.
//2017.11.29|16:38
2017.11.30|15:51
A little insight on: Points.
So, whats a point? And - for goodnesses sakes: What is the relevance of other peoples points? How to make one, see one, ... yada yada?
One who has no point, doesn't have one. We could call such a person ... happy, maybe. Because ... nothing bothers him. I would however
argue that the happier person is the one which has a point. Why? Well - because of what that point were. So, imagine you have a hobby
like gardening - you do it, day in and out, and are happy. Then something happens that overshaddows this happiness. Maybe some hooligan
parade went over your garden. At that point you were likely to 'get' a point, ... which is that stuff that makes your hobby less fun is
bad. So, you have a point and within any political discussion you can now see where your interest is protected or challenged and you'll
so use that point making a point.
So he who has a point, in his hobby that is, as a greater, more wholesome "relationship" with/to it.
That is at all in the simplest. On a "flat", 'computational' scheme now; We can introduce a big conflict - like an Alien Invasion - to
suggest some sort of something that would diminish that persons 'fun'. Like, building a strategic outpost on his garden. And say that it
is in conflict with his interests, so, the 'world saving' has to wait - or settle for something less. Because the person has a point. Of
course we may in the end understand: Thats not how points work. But, well, maybe to some they do.
I have to make a point - as of the recent progress I've made; And this little introduction to points serves as context - just as this
point fits in as example regarding this 'problem' of ... compromise. Regarding my sexuality, ... there is a lot that has been written
making it necessary that there is some way of coming up with a less wordful representation. So, as for that imagine an eternal realm of
light - with nothing in it. That is representing our common plane where suggestively 'everything goes'. Basically. So, the moment I began
to write about Sex I was equally reminded of the contra; And thereby I can already introduce "the point". More effectively: The 'nono'.
So, the contra at some point gets to say "not that!" - because its generally against it. Perhaps due to some point. Be it human nature,
ethics, morality, dignity, logic, reason, probability or whatever. That works for me, because I myself also have 'nono's - taking a similar
'contra' stance but drawing a tighter circle around the problems. I however also feel ... "disrespected" when I get into a 'nono' position
because ... of some pull. What I mean is hard to tell in words, but the picture is this: Imagine there is a goo of some sort, a sphere of
gel, surrounded by a membrane. Lets say its organic, ... . So, in the center of that gel are little things, like seeds. When I so declare
myself as in need of getting raped, I by my own measurement am 'in' that gel. The seeds are the 'nono's that matter to me. But to others
'rape' is already a nono, thus referring to the sphere. If I'm so making my point against those 'nono's - and the reaction is that of
discarding the whole alltogether - I can't really go with it. But slowly I will have to change. Said is said, settled is settled - period
and delta-x, ... . I would further add that the degree of my submission is 'at the bottom'. Thereby, there has to be an explenation as to
why certain things are bad, or no good - so, for instance: Mental balance, what is it? Work vs Leisure? Lets just say we had to compose our
minds of components like that. Can I have everything be sexual and have a balance? Or what is it that causes monotony or boredom, or whatever
negatives we have to be aware of? So, what I mean by that is that the 'goo' essentially is the first layer of 'goodness' around the 'big
bad's. Basically the badness itself - but without the corresponding problems. And so is this a scope that we know very little about and thus
it is difficult to make points corresponding to those issues.
//16:29
'Influences'
Well, I just started to look into the whole Stargate Origins
thing - because, ... I guess I'm trying, or learning to ...
it didn't occur to me that I might look for it on my own rather
than have YouTube tell me some oppinion about it. Now I'm
watching a Christopher Judge panel and due to that got curious
to watch some of the episodes he wrote. I knew he did write
some, kindof, but not exactly which ones.
Now, the episode "Changeling" reminds me of something, while,
just earlier today someone else (Boogie 2988) reminded me of
... same-ish thing.
I mean - last time I saw boogie he just had his surgery. And
now, wow! He's also changed a little, seems more ... alive!
Well - the issue I'm having ... its basically one cauldron full
of stuff round about ... 'this issue' ... which in the extended
sense can be generalized as 'natura vs clinica'. Including
the issues with Tattoos. On top of it all is the issue that,
as with Tattoos: If God wanted us to have Tattoos we'd be born
with them. Which some people could respond to: Well -
birthmarks? To get to the point of: Its a kind of, why not do
some on our own? ... Weeell, anyhow - back and forth, back and
forth, same ol same ol - thats the issue.
The issue with Teal'C and his Symbiont is different we have to
admit. Its fiction. It can be based in reality to whatever
extent, we have to admit, 'in general' we have to say that
there is no empirical value in that. But if we take a look at
something specific we can hope to find empirical links, ...
I mean ... if you take a fact and change one simple thing -
its fiction. If the change isn't relevant, the fiction is as
good as a report. You get the idea. Respectively is fiction
good or bad - in my oppinion - depending on the, well,
'freedoms taken'.
The story with Teal'C loosing his Symbiont (Changeling isn't
about that) and his dependency on Tritonin has resemblances to
my situation, but also those of Boogie. Loosely. Changeling is
... well,
in my recollection it was about Tritonin. So I got a biased
impression on the first moments rewatching it. It happens a lot.
Lately. Yet it holds up to something. And its the part that is
with utmost certainty entirely fictional. The moments where
Teal'C does the thing that keeps them both alive. Bratak is
dieing, ... and Teal'C can only save him by sharing his own
Symbiont. So the simple question: If you can help, would you?
But more to the point: Is it OK?
Now ... Boogies situation is definitely different to mine.
But the general link between his, the Tritonin story and
mine is ... basically within the matter that its first of all
a personal choice; And not ultimately necessary - as far as
'life or death' issues go. (Oh, it is about Tritonin. "Knew
it!").
This Episode first, later Boggie, made me ask myself those
questions. Both times I've chosen against it. Well, if the way
it went for me is ... that. As for choice - there is no choice
without options. Did I have any options? I'm sure that at base I had them. I could have ... just done it. Yet, thinking about why I
didn't - I realize that I had no motivation. Something that has changed since. Now I'm uberly motivated. And as of that the way my
story is being told pans out differently. How that part of the story goes. Maybe. I mean, "just doing it". That is just ... dressing
the other way and taking opportunities that help moving on. Maybe we could say that I just didn't have the 'backbone' for that. In
a sense thats true. I certainly didn't want an uphill struggle, ... so, ... I guess the more accurate answer is that I was just too
lazy.
My main impulse behind bringing these things up is that I have this urge to comment on this ... these cases of encouragement. So far
the main issue has been that I don't seem as though it would have worked on me. But the way I get it I've done some of the work already.
So - something I realized that these psychology people I talked to were telling me things I was already sure of. Err, ... I mean, ...
there is no question. For me. The issue is that I have to step out of myself. Its not that I am uncertain. So, in response to my eating
disorder when folks started to poke around the first answer I had was Transsexuality - and while my case might be more complicated,
it is clear to me that this one thing is the biggest and darkest of all clouds.
I had reasons to hold me back. Like being too shy. Whatever. The thing is ... things could be really different. That there is some
degree of support is good. That there is a way of relating to it as a thing that 'is' a 'thing'. In all the many ways it might apply
to whatever situation all accross the board. Well, ... the things that are things at least.
//2017.11.30 | 20:05
Ajit Pai - asshole of the month - memorizes his talking points so that in the many occasions he is being asked he can say exactly the
same things. Thats a problem I'm having with the many appointments I've had in the past. House Doctor, Neurologist, Psych-A, Psych-B,
Psych-C, ... and all those times I'd forget this horrible headache I'm having. Not a normal headache. It feels like stress, like a
hive of ants is burried in my brain and comes out every once in a while. I guess I could try to write an essay I could just read down
each time, but ... if you have to point down on a few points in that way, its either a totally important issue or your point is just
too weak.
From my perspective - its one of the things I'm concerned about going into ... this website. I've tried to address that issue before,
that long story short I just can't settle on a final order or list of things/points ... (yet). And in the style of a Linux Magazine I
ended up approaching each article as much as 'the first article ever' as possible. So, while one follows the other and new establishes
on the past, I don't want to make it so that you are necessarily required to go back and find what I had on mind. Explaining the same
thing over and over again also has the benefit of finding multiple approaches, or adding nuance to it. This certainly only 'has' value
in a world that ... so ... 'values' ... value ... basically. I mean, if this is getting trashed because some oligarch doesn't like it;
OK ... wasted effort ... on my ends.
This Ajit Pai situation is the perfect example of where we're at politically. The US leadership doesn't even seem to be interested in
talking to the ordinary joe anymore. If you listen to Ajits points through the lense of being a super villain, ... then it checks out!
So, those "smaller businesses" that were to benefit ... yea, ... I have no solid argument to back up any claim but ... well, ... I blame
our flawed media compound. I mean ... I have to interprete his words and being not told in a comprehensive way ... thats just the sense
it makes to me.
But furthermore his talk is transparent enough to someone who knows what Net Neutrality is about to make out the utter bullshit he's
spitting - which to some audience however would seem like truth. Which are those small businesses that would benefit? Do we want them
to? Would we?
What kinds of investments in infrastructure are we talking about? How is there a causality? I'd say its similar to a "Cheating Allowed"
clause in the rules of a poker tournament. That would change the entire meta of playing poker and benefit those few that are good at
cheating. Its a whole new game then!
At certain times I feel like I haven't made my 'political stance' clear enough just yet. And usually that comes up around points that
are ... well, like this. Perhaps its just a realtime issue. (I mean, as far as I can tell I can't tell whether or not there has been
a heated discussion about me around since 2010 (2006-2012 ish); ...). I mean - my earliest official statement on these matters, at
least thats how I recall it right now, was about 'popularity'. The basic idea that what we, humans, individually value as good and
bad respectively - in an atheistic frame - isn't too far of from what Gods will 'is'/happens-to-be 'once' we reach a certain point of
'intellectual quality'. And that in turn is the beauty of it. I thereby also mean to distanciate myself, and that is perhaps the real
meat of this feeling, from 'theistic bullshit' ... like "overdogmatization". And I feel like I have to elaborate.
Simplest of all points: Jesus' stance on the matters. While Christians might like to take "this" quote as in defense of their idea of
what Gods will is - (is it a quote? Its certainly a thing) - the main argument of God when he talks dismissively about 'manmade laws'
is yet best presented by the Mormons. They have the Testimony thing to say: We're more legit than the others. 'We have the Truth' ...
although ... yea, issues. "Some assembly required". Yea, that Married with Children episode where Al and Jefferson try to build that
Workbench. (S6E20). Anyhow - its simply that: Man trying to understand Gods Law as something else than that which is explicitly fact
as by the scriptures. 'Everything is allowed, but not everything is constructive'. "Can't be!".
By all this I shouldn't forget to say that what I have to tell on the matter isn't to be taken as a "I know what Gods will is, heed
my words". I just happen to know a few things that are definitely right and in terms of that there are definite wrongs and the amount
of misconception round about is the bigger part of my work, basically. So, "If you want to know Gods will, connect to Him" is a fairly
simple thing - except in a world where there is not enough time and space to actually do that. You can try going to church but there
you're usually not encouraged to meditate but exposed to even more 'stranger talk' instead.
And so for the most part I have my own oppinion which is basically isolated from 'my Religion' - which is basically the point because
Religion doesn't answer all or any of those questions.
Lets pick Trump as the counterpart to me. People call him 'the white hope' or a saviour of some sort. For whatever reason. So - I can
however feel the things that basically "are to get me" into that mindset. In that case the guy who's talking his smack is basically
just making some accoustic performance without any relevant meaning while I enter a trance like state wherein I twist and bend everything
I may have thought about around to somehow make it stand there in favour of Trump. So - it is 'belief first'. First believe ... and then
you don't need reasons or facts to "understand" Trump for the good guy - only to have some idea of the verbal playing ground. So, any
good point I might have, lets talk Trumps ties to the Russian Mafia and Drug Money, is there entirely meaningless because if Trump is
the good guy - all that criminality can and has to be excused. And the reason why there isn't a bloodstain on my wall is self-control.
(As from smacking my head against it).
The weird thing here is that there isn't even a 'reason' to believe in it. Its just other people apparently doing so - and thats basically
the principle that hole ... cardhouse ... is built upon. "Its OK because others do it".
[Any contra along the lines of: "How else does Authority work?" ... [shaking head, looking at the wall, shaking head again] ...]
Well, I - lol - have an answer: The 'definition of Authority' at this/that point is: My expectation of there being a person that says
'no' to whatever I might have to say. If that person is above me: Bad. If it is below me: Good.
So I would warn you of ... hysteria, hype, ... those "high feelings" ... 'of that specific kind' (not to be mixed up with the influences
of Drugs) ... but ... I'm not too sure about that. Except that when it gets to a clear assessment of the Truth (Gods will) - you want to
rule out everything that perpetuates confusion. And me just villy nilly picking a belief for whatever emotional reason captures me ...
thats not very ... productive.
Anyhow. The main 'anti-corruption' mechanism of being a Christian is a matter of equality. It doesn't really work within the confines of
a Law though. Going Vigilante is one of the 'inherant qualities' a personal relationship with God can entail. A situation that has also
been drawn into the mud many times. No denieing of that. Well - the main issue is that one of the core beliefs that comes together when
sincerely turning towards God is a sense of fairness. So the prospect of getting into a dirty situation is already raising red flags.
I mean - think about 'US Republican Politics'. As counter point. What they do is a lot of "air fishing". Like ... "if we get rid of
Net Neutrality good things will happen". Those are weird claims. What this means is like calling Trump a good guy because he exposes the
establishment for what it is. Yea, by being that establishment incorporated. So - I can become a hero by being a villain? Because by being
a madman I show you the problems of our society? WTF ...
The point I'm trying to make is that this anti Net Neutrality proposal gives some people some degree of power with zero objective benefits
to "the user". (In quotation marks because by argument it depends on 'what kind of user'). So, test A, question 1: Which way is more
Christian? I could find that in the position of having objective benefits from a removal of Net Neutrality I'd be better off - while at
the very least a friggin huge door is opened for temptations. I can't not understand that by pushing a "throttle" button someone is going
to be pissed off. I could tell myself its for a good reason - but eventually we're moving around too many corners there. We're thereby
getting onto a totally abstract playing field where the 'yet to be desired' 'end situation' were Net Neutrality nonetheless - which is by
the way what Ajit Pai hints at by making his position 'sound' like thats what he's into. Which is why getting rid of it is like ...
why? Yea, "bless us with your answer!"
We can also call it 'proper conduct'. The internet ... what do we want of it? So, we today have two sides: Censorship vs. Freedom. I get
a cross reference to Video Games. Censorship is like the whole EA/Battlefront2 debacle. It leas to a game thats nothing but a weird hack.
I mean - "back in the days" games had to be published as 'balanced'. If you messed that part up - 'too bad' - no patching that! Which is
what I would call a skill. Or luck. Is it better? I don't know. It is however better in one way ... and possibly worse in another. So -
of course, the ability to correct a work of art is ... good. Maybe. Its new. However. Relatively. But ... obviously the game was built
around Microtransactions and taking them out ... or messing around with the numbers in such a dramatic way, ... thats not proper conduct.
Where's ... the wisdom of artistry therein? Freedom on the other end is: Screw Microtransactions! Make a good thing and you won't have to
worry about the mistake being on your side.
Yea yea yea ... fuck money.
So there are two guys, lets say, each pitching one side of the story respectively. The one person says: "This is the internet, and ideas
we don't like can be censored". The other one says: "This is the internet, and for the better or worse its setup as a place of equal
opportunity for everyone".
In a much more simple frame: We have to set our priorities. What is more important: Net Neutrality or Censorship? And isn't that the
conversation? No it isn't! All those 'anti free speech activists' aren't anti free speech per se, not by their words at least. They'll come
out and say that they'll be the first ones to oppose that kind of stuff ... P). But talk about nothing else but the benefits of
censorship.
Strawman.
Doesn't matter.
As for priorities: There are situations where we don't have the luxury of going down multiple paths. You could want to build a bridge without
any side-rails ... but there is no objective benefit from that, except the money that is saved during construction.
"With great power comes great Responsibility". That applies. But: At the point where you were to decide - you already have power. You can now
grab more power and say its coold if you deal with it responsibly; Or you can decline that and do the 'right thing' to begin with. Because ...
what using that additional power for? Whats the practical gain? "All sorts of stuff". And OK - if its handled responsibly I ... well, I mean:
As the point is to be in benefit of the user we can argue that if there is no objective impairment to the user - its a non issue. But the
practical side of it is that this 'proper conduct' on that end is 'Net Neutrality' ... fullstop.
The main issue is that this 'digging' ... this creation of backdoors and back-alleys and stuff ... where we can stop and call it: The creation
of power - is ... nonsense! Its evil! In this sense at least where power is all about inequality. Like ... if you had a personal struggle with
Trump, you being just an ordinary joe though. Or, OK - lets say you're an average joe - and whether your an atheist or a believer - a more
powerful person than you could make its point either way. "Where's your God now?" or "Can your Big Bang give you that amount of Money?". There
is no ... meaning.
There is, as I see it, a natural hierarchy of power ... as part of a society of free individuals. If a bunch of 100 people has to organize
there is some inherant need for some guiding/structuring impulses. Which in the most natural case isn't even about leadership. I mean - playing
Minecraft (or 7 days to die) cooperatively ... there is no leader, ... there are individual preferences and people communicate to get stuff
done. Its a democracy withoug clear governance. And a Video Game - but what matters is simply the societal aspect. And in real life we need
a more concrete 'leadership'. A clear structure in place ... like a Forum we can go to.
---------------------------------
If we know that something is ... properly built ... objectively safe ... that stuff ... we don't need to have checks and balances for things
that aren't even an issue.
... But well. I'm not trying to convince you of the good that is Net Neutrality. There is no point in that. Moving along on that road I'd
have to convince those that want to get rid of it ... and eventually 'fire and brimstone' is the only thing I can say at the end of that.
And there are those moments where I actually go like "Yes!" about that, like "Strrrr-ike!" ... like, so ... with hope, or ... a certain ...
level of positive anticipation of ... you know what. Its like ... not actually good.
Which is possibly the next point for me to get into. It has a little bit in common with the corruption issue - but ... I have to get into
'opposing stances' a bit more I feel.
So, the matter that two people can heavily disagree with each other and 'effectively' be both right. Like, ... corporatism vs consumerism.
The issue ... started on a simple note ... I'd guess ... where someone wanted to make a point and the consumer 'good' was in the focus of
that. So eventually that snowballed into 'corporatism' being inherantly bad and 'consumerism' being inherantly good. We can also see that
in Ajit Pais rhetoric. The way he tries to sell his point is by moving the user into the foreground and making it look like its all in the
favour of the consumer. These people are so ... 'smallminded' its annoying!
They are like a bunch of art class first graders taking over arts museums. By their standards the Mona Lisa isn't art - sotospeak - so ...
"screw it". But all they really have a positive effect on are themselves - and the rest of the world ... just wants to know the place where
to throw the torches at.
And once again we can however draw a common line. The good of corporatism as the good of consumerism is both about the most of the best of
all the things possible. Simply put. Corporations want to maximize their productivity while consumers want to maximize their options. ...
... where, had I to pick a side I'd be on the Corporatist end of things. And that not from a religious stance. Or even personal interest.
Its just as of the ways I'm used to think of things or look at things that corporations are those larger, more 'objectively present'
entities.
Yet I can't really be on one side or the other while I feel that that the respective opposite to me is in a bad spot.
Being radical it might even be the side where I ... err - I mean: Being radical we should denie speech to everyone who fails on that point.
So - thats just my own extremist take on that. I try to be fair - but if my opponent doesn't, and instead of being fair he pretends to be
while doing all he can to shift the odds in his favour ... its no longer an intended 50:50 balance. Its more of a 75:25 thing. Err... I
... whats my point?
I guess it depends on you.//2017.12.01|17:50// a pros pos ... stuff:
The Jinx is strong with the Trumps. I mean - one of the "air-rors" still floating around is the case with: Is Trump a good guy? Well - if -
so my perspective - his job is to be a douche and its ours to make fun of him. Give or take. But what if not? What would he do? Same things?
Well, tring to ... win? Turning the ship around? I however get the sense that whenever some nonsense they do is getting exposed it drops
right into: "Thats the plan" type of excuse. But why then be a fan of him? It doesn't go down the road of making sense at all.
But let that be whatever the case it is. ...
I don't really care.
The thing is that ... well ... I feel ... well ... offended ... sortof. Again. By something. That ... I might but don't want to censor. I
want to expose it. Thats ... kindof a good take on the difference between A and B. If you can't do that to your opponent - there probably
isn't anything to expose. If the points you're making are making you exposed ... well ... its not that good of a point I would say.
Well - times have changed and so I think we see ourselves sortof led to the limits of the good of freedom of speech. I mean, are you sick
already? Don't you just want to ... ... you know!? The thing is that on plain principality the good of this whole freedom of speech thing
comes down to ... a lot of things, ... intellectual growth being one of them. I can say that if my good ideas aren't good enough ... they
probably weren't all that good. So for points. But nowadays a whole lot more goes into that. PR. Marketing. Publicity. And how it works
... well. There is one way which is "as intended" and then there is the other way which is "once it backfires" ... speaking of ... how it
works. So - you want to cheat the way it works, not getting caught doing so. So - one thing I'm thinking about when I see something fishy
is that I look at it like: "What if it works?". So, if they messed something up I don't just laugh about their stupidity but also grow in
terms of being prepared for that in case ... well. There isn't really a practical side to it for me. I guess.
But there is this list:
You look like an angel (News 247)
MELANIA TRUMP CHRIsTMAS (daryl lawson)
Trumps Return To White House (Breaking News 24/7)
Melania Trump presents the White House Christmas ... (Celebrities TV)
BREAKING NEWS From Melania Trump ... This is BIG (Breaking News Global 24/7)
BREAKING NEWS From Melania Trump ... This is BIG (USA BREAKING NEWS)
Melania Trump looked cozy in a sweater as she and Donald... (News 247)
And looking through those videos - well yea, 2 of them are basically identical. All use a computer generated voice, ... and other than
"Trump Worship" there isn't really a point ... at least as far as I can tell. I didn't bother to actually watch them entirely.
My issue is: What am I looking at?
I just happened to watch a Stephen Colbert Clip - and ever so often the suggestions bar is loaded with junk like that. Its stuff that
is perhaps not even intended to be clicked on. It would seem like one of the Trumps makes those videos ... but what for? My impression
is that they are annoying. The Videos I mean. Or the headlines/thumbnails. I mean, for more nuance we have to take a closer look at
Melania, ... part of which is to acknowledge that she 'is' a Model and therefore "supposed to be" looking good (fashionable). Thats the
whole point. And her thrown into the mix, next to Trump, ... that doesn't work for me. Its just nasty. And thinking more of it, ...
I think the point is that I don't want to be turned on by her. Basically. Its not like I can innocently flip through an underwear
catalogue and be all Bud Bundy on the images - in this case. There are serious topics. And if I wanted to look at sexy ladies I'd look
elsewhere. But yea ... before I clicked on the first video (the one on the bottom (this is in reverse order, dislike and share)) - I
had this impression that "Trumps are Big". I mean, that clearly is the message when so and so many videos in the recommendation bar
are totally ... nonsensical ... like ... "Melania Trump looked cozy in a sweater". I mean ... what? Thats why I clicked on it. I just
had to ... see whats going on there. And there isn't even a real person talking. Talking about 'Fake News' ... lol!
OK, time is up on this one. Too bad. Anyhow. On the other side do I notice this sense of ... well, the known fact that Trump doesn't
really like the Media. Its obvious. But why? Aren't all Media outlets actually in his favour? I mean - what altnerate media outlets
call 'mainstream media' because its all corrupt. So - there is reason to raise an eyebrow. Yet I feel a ... dent, if you so will, in
that ... image ... of the Trump administration that ... wasn't there in the beginning. (OH, one with a real person speaking: The second
in the list ... the headline makes me cringe). I'd say that they are loosing confidence in themselves. Which is to be expected. First
they were trying all the tricks in the book - those got more and more desperate - and eventually they're running out of them!
But yea - at this point there is this crack I think I see ... where the position of Melania is ... she's here trying to "Auto Correct"
- I'd say - herself 'into the image' she was 'supposed to have'. Just like Ivanka on Thanksgiving decoration. This sense of ... well
... anyone actually giving a damn about how well they function as a family or their individual value as a family member and/or productive
member to society. Thats their whole shtick - straight from the beginning: Imposition. "Just pretend". "Fake it 'till you make it". I
mean ... Trumps rhetoric is an open book in that regard. "Nobody knows shitposting better than Donald Trump". (Believe me).
What you shouldn't forget (in my oppinion) is that if we're extending far enough - stuff thats happening in the games industry isn't
really disconnected from whats going on in the white house. And the fail of EA ... well ... is just another event on the list of things
that went wrong. "Not as intended". Yea, crazy world where we'd all jump up and rejoyce about Pay-2-Win microtransactions in a Premium
AAA game. And I can't blame God for not giving them the insights ... to understand reality ... if all they'd do with that insight were
to turn it around and against us.
The consequencial nuisance is a necessary evil.
Or is it not that they don't understand but just have a different agenda. Well - maybe I know of a better way to do what they want to do;
But of course ... thats just a vague idea. Maybe its one of the things God does for leisure - ... setting things up against himself just
... because. Not that it matters in the end anyway.
Anyway ... in the more paranoid end I think of people who just copy 'accepted' talking points, being 'one of the many', like agents put
in place to provide some PR for ... - and so on. Well - not so important. Its I guess just a side-effect of me trying to not be too
naive about everything.
Anyhow. Moving on - I don't have a point here. The next thing on my list is to write about what Turns me on - or more generally speaking:
Jinx and attraction. Maybe not that directly though. The way I feel is that if I withdraw myself from something, like ... news on Melania
... I do so because I don't care. Basically. But yet I feel something of a drag. Like "oooh, she's so hot, look at her! (Hot Damn!)" ...
but not in a way thats ... comfortable to me. And yea - maybe this is just more of some feedback @ the Trumps regarding their contemporary
efforts. It doens't work ... is my ... assessment. Not on me anyhow and ... I mean. I don't have a point here other than just saying:
Look! It yet however connects to something else I meant to write about ... so this whole segment of today was just an excourse into
whatever and now it kindof loops back to what I actually had on mind. So ... weird segue ... I guess.
The point is that ... Monica Bellucci for instance is something of an emotional anchor to me. But ... I generally felt uncomfortable
googling her - or finding anything out about her. I don't know her birthday nor am I too sure about her full name. Which is pathetic ...
maybe. Yet over time I've established a stronger sense of who she is to me - and from googling her eventually finally realized that
'actually' I can't relate to her. And that that is this weird feeling that makes me dislike looking her up online. I realize that this
isn't equally true accross the board. Madonna for instance happened to get devorced right around the time I started thinking of her.
Britney has enough of an 'obscure background' (relationship to the public) to make me think differently about her. Monica however seems
to have much of a life that really gets me feeling uncomfortable - and if thats just a fassade its nothing I want to know about.
What this leads me to is the simplest of all conclusions: That this public sphere we have right now isn't really good. From a practical,
Light based standpoint the internet as it is today isn't really a good place. Be it that Monica isn't the right one for me or that she
is - either way. To me, objectively, I have to pretend that this public space doesn't exist. And that way I stay safe. Sortof. Which
reminds me - my naivity in these cases is an issue still somehow left open. And this is practically its conclusion. I can't relate to
them, ... and that is a good 'base' ... I'd say ... for anyone who has love related issues. Can you properly relate to the person you're
interested in? And it can even go beyond Love. Thinking of everything as nothing but a paper wall that someone painted some image on
with a possibly malicious intention. Or - in a more constructive way: There are things that people mean to 'say' - and those things at
some point are being said. And thats all we can do right now. Sharing thoughts. There is no consensus ... no unity ... we can build on.
I can't relate to them - and so - no matter how much I think of whom its still like they have no space in my life.
Did I tell you that this whole Star Wars nonsense is going on my nerves? To me all this contemporary hype around starwarts is mostly
fake. Like, who actually still cares?
"What Sidious Thought of Maul's Double Bladed ..." - yea, you gonna tell me? You know? Its possibly just some rambling about how in
real life those would be impractical. OK, 3 minutes to find out. OK, its OK. Endings explained is my next victim. On this note however,
my problem isn't really with the content itself - but the content as a matter or subject. It'd be hypocritical to say 'stop' as soon
as it gets to something I somehow disaproove of. Anyhow I'm sure that my 'experience' (impression) isn't the one the creator intended.
I mean - the way I feel about it is ... hard to explain. I just feel ... something ... that basically has a vested interest in those
things, ... like ... if you bought the franchise you'd want it to be good. Like - looking at EA we can learn that whenever a studio
they bought finished a game that didn't meet expectations the studio was closed. Star Wars is a cash cow ... yada yada - ... I don't
know whats bothering me. It gets confusing. Its just a general dislike that has a somewhat tiring effect on me. I can't stand it, but
not in a way I can ignore. Because I'm interested in starwars maybe? I guess my head is just overheating. I can't possibly be concerned
of everything. Today was one of those days where I turned on into YouTube to just get updated ... and now its like almost 10 hours
later. Just too much. And all this Lore nonsense. My first impression is like "Yuk! Who cares?" - where, when it comes to content creation
I think VesperArcade is the best example. He's good at Street Fighter. By my own standards - he ... 'taught' me how to play, basically.
So, getting into the basics of Street Fighter 4. And the simple take on it is that he's good enough at the game with a mindset that basically
made him a good content creator. Which is nothing overly special. Each 'gamer' on YouTube should have a similar background. It just
happens. And if you have passion and a need to share it - thats that. And because I'm actively interested in Street Fighter I care about
each little update. OK, maybe not each 'little' update ... but ... its certainly one of those parts of my YouTube routine that sucks the
least.
But well. I'm a bit confused right now. In general. I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. What I'm doing now is basically -
the way I feel about it - at the end of a road that basically opened up as an issue based around what you know or don't know about me;
In terms of ... what you can tell about me. Thats obviously a big part of it. To me at least. There is the one side which is perfectly
simple and doesn't involve me even just a bit. But ever so often you would come to speak of me, perhaps as for an example, ... and I so
came to 'feel' like: "OK, there isn't enough information yet" - which is scary if those things are pretty much basics, in regards of
some given issue.
So, now you can tell that I can't relate to the public presence of ... Monica at least. In a way. I can and can't to all of them. I mean,
the fact that Monica is into men but likes the female body more is one of those things that just makes sense to me. Obviously. And those
are things I just get to know about by accident. Yet, there is a point on the "I can't relate to them" part which may be something thats
worth something to you. Just that so as the closest example. Which however takes me into this ... "new" confusion about myself. So - on
the one end there is no way around it, for me at least, but to say stuff about me. At the very least something of a comprehensive bio,
... which ... I guess I still don't have. And I can't always tell how much of my 'mangle' is due to my brain being leeched on by my body
- and how much of it is ... following some higher purpose.
When it gets to Gods will for instance I have this urge to stand up tall and tell you a bunch of things. And that surely relates to the
whole Matrix stuff and the respectively extended interpretation of who I am. The simply main issue that the first thing, if you take that
way, is that you get to me. So, who am I? What do I say? Whats the issue and case? Where - objectively I think that the best thing I can
do is to stay talkative. Basically. Whatever. Be it good or bad (unless too bad). Yet when I do so - whenever it comes to the point of
'authority' I have to hit the breaks. Or would have to if they wouldn't have been hit for me. Which is the weird conflict there; So - I'll
try and be a bit more insightful on that.
... For the most part you get it. I'm sure! There ... isn't enough reasonable space for getting it wrong I suppose. Yet there is this
"the One said so" angle ... where, on some side thats an angle I do like - because I do like the idea of actually getting heard; As the
opportunity to have you banefit of my intellect ... in all modesty ... while on the other end I'm self-aware enough to see that this can't
always be good. Sortof. Although sometimes, ... or when being really really excruciatingly critical about it ... this harsh stance of me
making mistakes is an exageration. So, where objectivity would mean, to me, that I get rid of a bit of my humility. Where the first parts
are an issue. Regarding my Transsexuality there is this narrative on my behalf which talks of my past choices as wrong. Basically. So,
saying that what I did in the past wasn't right. That is just the simple terms of my current situation. But I can't ultimately make the
point that I was wrong. It have very well been calculated moves - although I surely didn't anticipate the factual consequences!
And there's stuff I could add in my own defense. Like - the degree of 'self-correction' I ... 'do' ... the amount of "sides I look at
(and understand)" ... all that isn't ... little ... it is even stressful to a point that is close to submission. Going to school uphill
during winter both ways ~ish. One of the first 'intimate' lessons I had to learn, within Unification, about Gods relationship to me was
putting God into the place of a ... well ... Darksouls Boss basically. Me being the protagonist. So, instead of TLC ... beating and
bashing. And a final kickoff once I already dropped to the ground.
That all has to mean something. God wouldn't do it if all that it did were to fuck me up. And between God and me - if I may say so - the
issue for me isn't that I'm probably getting rewarded richly. I mean - its an issue that sticks with the narrative. Without an end of that
sorts the whole story doesn't play out that well. Basically. Instead of a reward I'm rather thinking of an extended holliday. So, the
prospect that at some point the struggle is over; While as far as motivation goes the issue for me is that God and I are basically on
the same page. I don't see the way He "treats me" (that way of treatment is also rather just a part of the whole) as something I have to
"deal with" - I ... see myself as something more like a Saiyan in that regard. I embrace the opportunity to grow.
And that also in terms of my ambition. So - the part where God and I want the same thing and I'm just waiting for Him to "bring it" ...
whatever helps me ... .
I even think this has grown me to a point where 'normality' is alien to me. Where even further: You would say that there is no such thing
as 'normality' and I'd say you're right - but - the impression to me is that I'm so 'abnormal' that all the 'abnormalities' ... are
"too normal" to be not considered normal ... in context. And Unification factors in as well. Easiest part: Because I didn't know what to
expect I didn't know what to look at prior - and so I have a hard time differenciating between what is normal and what is exclusive.
And so to an extent this whole thing means to me that I'm always right. As rule number 1 with rule number 2 being that in case I'm not,
rule 1 applies. At least so to the point that if you're guessing on my fallacies too much, nothing is certain. In the end I might just be
a walking co-incident. Which kindof is the point. So, that vulnerability. But I don't mean to convince you by that alone anyway. Main
standing ... thing.
The easiest way for me to wrap this up is to say that God has chosen me for some reason - and if all he does is to say "look at that guy",
I can't do more but be honest about myself. Share what I believe, know, understand, think, etc.. Like that I'm not just 'accidentally
a Christian'. And I'm certainly not "pseudo Christian".
But I'm not really trying to convince just the gullable ... so ... there is this ... 'default rigidity' ... we might call it ... between
individual mindsets in regards to the Truth that this whole Plan of God is established on. So, at no point - just generally speaking -
should you have a point that is like "because I said it" ... because if I said it I also said that this shouldn't be the case. Yet, ...
I have to admit that there is some value to it. But still in a rather indirect way. Someone said something ... and sometimes that can be
good! I mean - I think I could technically be that self-absorbed to make it all about me and you still could get in on it the other way
saying something like: "No matter how much I disagree with him, on this one issue I'm with it".
Hmm ... 'her'. Maybe. I mean ... yea, there's that part in my head that ... the pants I'm wearing right now ... jogging pants ... I have
selected in response to my transgender need. My first impulse was to, as they arrived, not wear them ... (even so) because of that. That
is telling of an "intimate" internal ... something ... where; Basically there was a time where I felt like people started to refer to me
as a 'she' - so at least in my mind - yet over time that changed into a 'he' - as I was basically going down that route and because I
didn't make any moves either way got stuck with a 'male' wardrobe I really don't like. And I so kindof got comfortable with it. Comfortable
as with habits. Yet here this was comfort with something that actually makes me feel uncomfortable. Which added a whole new twist to my
situation. I'm already at the point where I much prefer being referred to as a 'her' - although that hasn't really sunken in that much
yet.
And yea - being referred to as a 'she' is causing my mind to 'realize' that these female aspects of me that I identify as within are being
embraced socially. Where being referred to as a 'he' is reffering to me as that person that hides that fact. Out of shame maybe. Having
little confidence in being that person; While actually ... well ... my approach on that matter at this point is to just not let me overthink
it. There is nothing I have to 'do' to be me - basically. I just have to learn to live - to take my freedoms - to enjoy myself basically;
Or so the fact that I'm alive. Letting me be me effectively. So, picking clothes that I feel comfortable with and so changing my wardrobe into
one I genuinely like.
What I worry is that this 'slow transition' I'm doing now is going to hinge on the fact that while I'm basically still posing as male,
the parts of my outfit that aren't meant to comfort that position aren't 'explicit enough' so I could get stuck somewhere in the middle.
But that ultimately won't happen. It would if that were a satisfactory position to me. So, the side of just letting my feminine side come
out a little more. But that isn't in me. There is no 'feminine side' like that. My one true problem is that I don't have the curves to
really brag with the style I'm into for myself. I'd say. So, by 'explicit' I don't mean sexually explicit.
I mean, so for me right now. I know what I want ... what I 'like' to be comfortable in ... basically ... where I feel that this slow
approach is beneficial ... and that because I have more time to understand what I really want.
Well - ordinarily I would come to look at it from my sexually explicit side and be skeptical about whether or not it actually works out.
Curvature wise. And that is something that held me back. Which is something I could brag about. I mean: I have always been afraid that I
might faceplant. That once I so decided to now dress female ... I'd do so from a flawed starting ground. Or even while standing on a
slippery slope. To start running from. Money plays a huge role too. I can't easily afford anything. The plain story goes like: I was
thinking too far ahead. Making too large of a leap. Basically ignoring the personal aspect and solely focussing on my 'supposedly
required' sex appeal. So, 'crossdressing for the exposure' rather than actually dressing 'as myself'. Where the part that this hinges on
is the 'myself'. Who am I? What is I? When it gets to clothing? Does it even mean anything? Well yes! Its the part that is there most of
the time. The way I look once I just slap on some cozy clothes - or get dressed in a hurry because of something. The way people so see
me - the way I present myself. While to some people this is, I suppose, a science involving matters of illusion - I don't have that kind
of support, first of all. Then sure - when only being confident enough, any outfit does. Even my super awkward male wardrobe I ... "still
have". But yea, "posing as a whore" for instance ultimately makes me feel better about myself; And that just because its true. There surely
is enough "bollocks" that flies the other way, stuff round about what a whore is and does, ... where for the sake of what my point here is,
perfect example. Saying: That whore thing is one thing, where now I have to however move on and look at the greater totality of my own.
So, figuring myself out 'regardless' of what that is all about. Hmm ...
Well, anyhow. In the end ... the whole issue is basically just about a sweatshirt and some jogging pants ... which is what I wore as a guy,
preferrably, and that regardless of my gender. It just ... works. So, the same 'should' be valid for the female part. Well, I don't want to
make a fool of myself and that, the way I see it, is accomplished by wearing things I want to wear. Period. Basically. The "problem" was
that once I go for that, I can no longer 'hide' as a male. Its I guess a bit like ski-jumping, ... that moment where you're sitting on top
of the ramp and all you see is that long steep downhill slope ... I guess that can be a bit scary. Once you're on your way down, ...
thats it! "Do or die!".
Wearing stuff you're uncomfortable with also negatively impairs your self-confidence. Obviously.
As a counter-reaction we, I guess, tend to overcommit. Like once you're really hungry all sense of what you 'can' actually eat goes out of
the window.
(I mean, I generally do actually not like wearing pants - and as far as skirts go, I don't really feel like ... comfortable in that
"Christian" type of 'natural beauty' type of stuff.)
So, is 'vanity' the topic? A good one? It seems to me that there are two words for that. The one word is vanity, the other one is decadence.
Decadence is vanity in overcharge. How does the Bible say? "Everything is vain under the sun!". Which is just the point. Being totally 'not'
vain is basically me not giving a shit about my Transsexuality. The message then being that it isn't actually a thing? Well - Mormons could
upgrade that narrative by saying: "Well, actually we're not allowed to 'buy' our clothes from a regular store because the Doctrine &
Covenants tells us that we should wear clothes tailored by our own". Which is just one step away from saying that we should idealistically
wear perfectly individualized clothes. And it is one of those 'good advises' which isn't realistic in this current world. Not for us "peasants"
at least.
And so the topic is rather: 'Misconceptions about divine truth'. If God wanted us to wear clothes we'd be born with them? I mean - going by
the Seventh Day Adventist prophet (Ellen G White) we had to say that even owning a bicycle is a sin. That possibly not meant as a 'commandment'
but a guideline ... suggesting so that vanity is bad because ... its part of the bad things ... in the bible (I guess). And we can understand
why. Or, get the basic idea. Though I'd argue that the word to use in that context is 'decadence'. I mean - otherwise we have to say that
God is vain as well. One instance is the description of Jesus in the Revelation, where we're explicitly told that he's wearing white and red.
Nature is vain. Well, vanity in the negative sense is a chain that makes us chase "the worlds acknowledgement". But ever so often there is
that compromise between looking ... "acknowledgable" and feeling comfortable. ... Phff. Well. I myself would argue that we generally don't
pay all that much attention on what we're wearing anyway. We have what we have and next to some sense of what fits with which item - we only
have some preference for 'this over that' ... and this little preference is what I'm talking about here.
And so I've picked a few things I liked ... and next have to build around it and see ... where I'm going with it.
So far ... 'everything' played out really well. My room isn't that much of a mess anymore and I have this energy in me now ... thats really
enthusiastic about keeping it that way. And this is one more on the topic of whats actually wrong with me. Well, a lack of it, that was.
Maybe the majority can relate to the presence of that energy better than to its absence. Its like ... well ... trying to squeeze two liters
of water into a 1 liter bottle. An inner ... 'thing' that just 'bursts out' ... and 'compells towards activity'. So, I think: I really could
clean up a little right now ... and having no means to actually suppress that. Within my depression that wasn't there. Instead I felt miserable,
looked at my room and felt only more miserable - while ... basically staring into a black hole I'm slowly getting annihilated by. The "darkness"
of my room (well, literally. The piece of floor right before me used to be littered with tobacco and hairs ... together with the USB hub and
cables. And it was pretty dirty) just reflected how I felt and I had zero motivation to clean up. I felt the need to. I ... realized that
"this" is (was) bad ... that I need to change something, quickly, ... but cleaning up was just a chore. A possible argument was that I just
didn't have the energy, ... but yesterday I didn't have much more of it either.
How this works psychologically ... well. I have to think of "the God of the Gaps" ... and avoid to step into that trap. So we can no doubt
say and be right with it that ultimately its Gods doing. Something however. But maybe I'm less right than it would seem. Well, we gravitate
towards ourselves? Uncertain.
The problematic part is that I was motivated ... to clean up ... so and so ... but there usually was a demotivation too. I would say that
when it gets to my eating disorder there even is an 'aggressive' lack of appetite. I could yell at myself, inside, to go fucking eat
something and something inside me would yell back "fyck you" even louder. There is no forcing it. And that is most obviously a subconsciousness
thing. Because I myself 'want' to be female - my subconscious is that way ... and as of the 'autonomous math' that my mind so performed those
influences usually dominated my conscious efforts. That kindof makes sense.
I mean ... I couldn't actually disagree with myself. I could only do so objectively in terms of what objectively mattered to my consciousness
at that time. Like ... 'eating good'! I can't agree with my inner self to not eat ... but I have to agree with its position of being unhappy.
That all of the happiness I had is just not cutting it. And because it has already been a situation where I basically had aggressively denied
myself 'to exist' ... getting actually over it was a bit of a complicated thing (and wouldn't have happened without some external influence
I suppose. I mean - I was already browsing for psychology folks ... and there I failed as well. My reluctance already had the better part of
myself). My eating disorder ... is however still an issue. But ... maybe high calory supplements will help me over that hill. Would be
really bad if it didn't.
So the fact that my outside is starting to connect with my inside is making me feel better. I no longer feel enprisoned by myself ... well
... I actually just now realize that that is how I did feel ... and so I'm moving closer to the 'body and mind as one' side of things. Instead
of just moving the trash from point A to a more distant point to have place for new stuff I now actually bother to put it where it belongs.
Its ... kindof magical.
The main issue, for that energy, is - the way it intellectually connects - that when I now think of cleaning up I don't want to maintain the
disorder. I don't want to live in that dark hole. Thats the same as before ... but ... I think in all simplicity its fair to say that I now
no longer have an inner misery that synergizes with it. That so can embrace it. As so from my internal perspective a clean room wasn't the
higest priority - and wouldn't have made me feel better per se. It would have been uplifting. Like "yay, a clean room!". But internally I'd
still be miserable and on behalf of that dissatisfaction motivated to mess everything up. So - as some kind of protest. So yea. While I would
have claimed that I'm actually a very tidy person (which can be backed up by arguing that despite me never cleaning up my room has been,
well, surprisingly "clean") - that might actually become more of a thing now.
Well - calling it my 'femininity upgrade' - part of it were some items that are more gender neutral. So - one little item in particular; Being
just something to put all my loose important papers into. Which were ordinarily just flying around with good intentions. Like ... all the stuff
I so have because of my situation as an unemployed person. Every once in a while I need that paper that tells me what I get and for how long
I get it because it verifies that I'm getting this kind of money; which comes along with some reliefs like the fee for TV and radio devices.
Or ... to get my own flat here in Stuttgart I've been put on a waiting list ... where the longer one waits the more points one accumulates
and with a high enough score I then get offerings. I can't be picky about what I end up in, ... but its a step. And ordinarily I would put
those papers somewhere where I think I'll have them available, but through the motions in time they ... sortof ... vanish underneath stuff
or in pile X, Y or Z - but this has more to do with my gender transition than it would seem. Well - I mean, right now it wouldn't seem that
far off. It came as an inspiration after having made some outfit picks already. For once. That because from thinking of my future I figured
that my outfit isn't everything; And I realized that my current setting was a bit ... impractical. So I had the desire to do something about
it - and thats how it should be. I figure. I mean ... it sounds awefully normal. The joke for me is that despite realizing my own misery
I had no way of combatting it. The big difference is that I now feel like there's a point to taking care of those things. And so I'm no
longer into buying stuff that comforts me in my ignorance. Which reminds me: There is this one YouTube channel ... and I don't know if it
was before or after I made the first step, but one of the advises there was that of buying "superficial" things, like a bag, ... one that
can be gender neutral ... where, well ... what is the issue with women and bags?
Anyhow ... the point was to ... start chipping away at that rock. Like ... not buying a bag might be underlined by the argument that there is
no practical sense. Or me not truely understanding what it has to do with that. Bags specifically. Yet the point is to eventually just start;
And discard one thing for another once the given experience is there. And well - I guess I'm much of a 'bag' person. A backpack at least.
Ultimately I think a part of it is a 'gender recognition' thing. So - for whatever reason a guy would refuse to buy stuff thats too feminine;
Basically. And a woman would refuse to buy stuff that is too masculine. And so the important part for a gender transition is to move away
from what you want to move away from. So to give your mind that 'yes' experience it prolongs - and the rest is going to follow. Else ...
you're just not transsexual!
(+weed)
Next: Homophobia issues. Well - first of all - the entirety of all phobia issues - to me - is a big huge steaming pile of garbage. Which to
a more nuanced approach is a ... well ... its something. Like 'conservative' ... but I'd label it differently. To say that it is of a
stance or orientation that isn't neutral. ~ish? Its ... "straight shooter-y". For as straight as it gets are all phobias just mental issues
that (can/need to) be resolved. Its my attitude anyhow. "I'm a fraid of no Ghost". Which doesn't say that I'm this stoic superman-esque
type of untouchable. Its more like an internalized "conquer your fears" type of thing. Which sounds too much of a claim considering the
story just touched ... but yea, fears come in different shapes and sizes. Crouching Tigers and Hidden Dragons. And understanding something
as a fear also comes as a stretch.
So, phobia to me means as much as: Irrelevant. Or: Doesn't concern me. Like: Something that is to be resolved. If not in the "intimate"
(individual) - yet at the very least in the scholasticistic. Where a phobia is by default something that cannot exist without a contraception
we might also consider a 'cure'.
I would want to leave it at this for the time being. Perhaps its enough. I feel like this is actually even it. A good and healthy stance on
the matter.
Now I feel like writing about things that don't help. I ... struggle with this a bit though. It pretty much depends on the matter of how
little my choice for my bed-sheets matters/helped. The thing right now is that I'm not really happy, ... and following my newfound vigor
I'd go and decisively pick different colors. What I currently have is my second set - while, this was specifically to have something made
of cotton - while my first set was some microfibre/polyester. That one I bought from an anti-female stance. I tried to be neutral and
considerate though. I ended up with a blue sheet and some dragon/skull/yin-yang green/bone~ish wrapping. It was the most neutral thing I
could find. My motive was that anything that wasn't neutral would make me sick. Saying that I just didn't want to commit to anything just
yet. It had to be somewhat bright though. Ultimately I however liked it less and less - and the blue bedsheets ... yuk!
I don't know why I couldn't just go for purple and black.
Or some dark green. I mean - if I want a male:female compromise - it now is clear to me that Teal/Turquese (the deep green) is the color
for me. And it also brings back some nostalgic feelings where as a child we, my brother and I, had these animal themed covers. Mine was a
turquese themed panda motive. And I loved it. While growing up Blue was my favourite color (possibly a cartoon/video-game thing) - I later
tended towards green. Basically in love with Nature that way. Another color from my Childhood is purple. That was the color of our Christmas
Tree decoration. Well, my gramps had red and gold-ish orbs and we had purple and silver-ish ones. I liked that generally better. Later then
I had a hard time 'accepting' purple. I knew I wanted it ... somehow ... but basically I didn't 'feel the point' ... which is, ... I couldn't
embrace its legitimacy because there was nothing to embrace it by, sotospeak. Or effectively? Well ... that I liked it as a Child already
evaded me at those times. Wherever purple may have been a thing, red was usually more dominant. Or pink/magenta.
Which is just the best color to go with black.
But yea. I so had already been under some stress of emotional kind. This ... reluctance towards commitments that is. In essence I wanted to
hide though, basically 'avoiding' what I so would have wanted. As of first sight. Now what I found strange is that I couldn't further explore
my 'first sight' because I wanted to 'escape' anything that would resonate with my transgender identity. Once I got around to discarding
polyester for cotton - I chose red. I have red bedsheets and dominantly red covers. I basically did that because ... while I was still a
sex-worker I had dominantly red covers too and found them strangely comforting. Except that, in all honesty, that comfort wore off eventually.
As for my cotton covers - there wasn't any real comfort to it anymore. But I did prolong for that kind of comfort. Now it is actually this
that makes me sick - and the feeling of getting sick that I did have does seem to me now as being the feeling I got from the move of avoiding
my transgender interests. Which well, weren't my interests at the time. Which is part of the problem. Yada yada.
With the nuanced issue so being that of ... misconceived negativity. That means, ... well, if we have a bias ... and there is something we
dislike but of that bias are turned towards liking it - well, what is bound to logically happen?
But mayhap it was a premonition. I mean, either way we put it - the story is pretty much that we'll have it our way!
Independently.
Well - now I'm unhappy about this red. Yet - prior to this recent shift of identity I wasn't totally aware of what to replace the red with.
It was just there. Like a sore thumb. A giant ... 'red flag' if you so will. A huge sign that should read: "I don't know who I am or what
I want". That basically because the red exists in some harsh contrast to the rest of my room. I mean ... there is no sense of synergy. Which
is ... in more nuance ... another issue I'm having/had to resolve. Which is what I'm getting at I guess.
Well - so, why red anyhow? There is this story from the past, OK, but what made me think that red would be the good/right choice? My problem,
so also with the clarity aspect of my ... 'choice of outfit' ... was that I was basically thinking within a sphere detached from my surrounding.
So, I was living in a different room, basically. Where so from a healthy mindset the story goes: What do I put into my room? What are the things
I buy? How do they fit in? There is an inherant synergy that we so come to desire ... which is what I think is reflected in ... the modern ideal
of neat interior. So ... that there is some sense of uniformity for instance. Now is my living space not really that large - and buying stuff
that is intended for a possible future where I have more space isn't really the best choice. So synergy wise - always think about what you have
first ... sotospeak. Thats ... the advise that comes from that however. So - had I thought about what I have, basically so "suggesting" that I
have a healthy identity and am not bothered by weird issues that create some dissonance between me and myself, there would be that given
synergy. I wouldn't be bothered by what my bedsheets would give away of me ... I would be bothered by what looks best in my room - and works
best with me 'who is totally healthy and not conflicted about itself'. So what I ended up picking was an emotional choice rooted in denial ...
so there is no logical connection to the outside world, hence explaining the absence of any trace of consideration put into it.
Purple would make it better, but that I think also comes along with a wardrobe and stuff that 'fits the tune'. Because me is me. Sotospeak.
And effectively. From that I can so further extend a sense of living ... or decoration ... I feel comfortable with. So as within this
setting. But that just came as of the female part of me gaining dominance.
Which is where the 'real thing' happens/happened. Happened. So the denial no longer takes place - which means that I no longer misconstrue
myself through wanting to appear somehow different. Thats basically the internal definition of 'being fake'. In a sense of being 'untrue to
the own self'. The shame, so it might be, is simply suggestive - it creates an issue where there is none, sotospeak, ... simply by there
being a thing one exists in dissonance with. Already. And sure - that to some extent begins within society. But as of me, what I required
... was force. Without it, well, you see how hesitant I am to come out. Kindof. So, I wouldn't blame society alone. That so for sure in
regards to me actually still jiving within these 'male biases'. There red to me seems to be some color of ... an anti bias. We could say
that the harsh contrast of the red to the rest of me is that harsh inner counter-stance to what I have become. It also makes me feel warm,
while thinking of purple gets me cold. In a weird way ... I don't know. Thats the kind of thing that made me ... pick red. It certainly
has some meaning somewhere, ... and may at all just have been a part of my natural evolution.
Its simply speaking my inside ... where I ironically had no problem to go for red, but with going for something 'exposing'. Weird how that
goes.
Now I got myself confused. It wouldn't have been red if didn't have that need for comfort I guess. Well - whatever. Err ... rolling back a
little. Feminine Dominance. I just got myself twisted into that ... lets call it "state of red". And this is ... I guess thats important
... a from my own perspective gender neutral thing. It corresponds to my internal reality, basically symbolizing my inner truth, ... and
although it is 'explicitly female' it isn't there as something that needs to come from my own. So, it has meaning to me inside and that is
how I ended up picking it. At that point however unaware of where I got it twisted.
Err ... yea, s.a.. Eventually it just comes as experience that I now don't like red to settle off on - but the thing with Teal is that ...
well ... it came in as 'first' 'anti-bias' to my female approach on selecting for myself. I mean - thinking of a color that would resonate
with my female identity without feeling ... too exposed. In the sense of something that would work in a proffessional environment ... as
the person I'd be if I planned on continuing "my thing". Which is this. Whatever the future holds. Not ... prostitution however. So, the
being an independent individual part.
So right now where prostitution is strictly not an option. For instance. Or just focussing on the other aspects.
Maybe it is an option. But moving on is Teal anyhow just second choice.
So.
At any rate - the main issue for me here is obviously the matter of desires to identity. So, I have my own desires and those, so in terms
of property, define me. I am what I acquire. And I did acquire a lot of trash - I just get to notice. Which comes after I noticed it in the
light of getting rid of it. Some feeling of liberation that comes along with getting rid of some of 'the junk'. And so my entire wardrobe,
male side, ... to me belonged into that category, ... anything outside of the Baggypants spectrum at least. Male Hip Hop to me goes both
ways. Except when it doesn't. I guess. Uhm, belongs. Up there. Anyhow. My problem there is that my desire was blocked - and this isn't a
thing we learned to automatically understand as a bad thing. #Selfcontrol.
At this instance the case has a more intrinsic connection to the case of compliance - and what negativity it implies. So in an extended
issue is Transsexuality a case of denial by compliance - so speaking of the social constructs ... which as rooted in the past have certain
cognitions of gender roles. Or 'perception'? Well - it is the case with the 'Marcy D'Arcy' branch of feminists that to an objective mind,
in a neutral setting, they appear as 'male' (with an issue). Which is I guess where the whole ... 'repulsion' occurs that manifests in
characters such as Al Bundy. The deconstruction of something that is integral to his life. Arguably he and Peg are happy together. Thats
one of the undertones of the show. So, despite all the things that tears them apart, they are all proud of the name Bundy. Even Kelly.
Al embodies all the bad the name entails - and everyone but Al, and maybe Coco, despise that. But still, the Bundy name ... is worn
proudly by all of them. The things that I like about the show are all the things I can still watch today and laugh about. Thats one of
the things that make other things worse in comparison. Things you're eventually even ashamed of ever having been ... into. But so we
grow, ... and the things that are more grown than we are ... will seemingly grow along with us. Or timeless truth tells a story of
timeless reality. Cornerstones of existence are hallmarks of reality. Echochambers of the Light are tough and solid physical
hardstuff.
In that sense is a boy a boy ... depending on what he's got between his legs. Its a simple thing to decypher. Like knowing 1 from 0.
And with 2 we're moving into Hentai territory, ... "gender fluidity" and such. It are all extensions of the 1 in tight relation to the 0,
... be absolute truth of the binary view on reality furthermore converges in that conception - where undoubtedly this comes to an astonishigly
wholistic yet simple concept: "Creator:Creation" ... 'infinite:limitted' ... 'black:white' ... where one is unlike the other. One step
lower ... that were the 0 ... there is just God. What substance the creation is made of takes shape as limitted something, a finite one
thing that can be multiplied. Still ... 0^0 is 1 as well! So we may all at some point be female - if we here give God the male property.
And sure, God is within us - he "penetrates" us everywhere. &&.
We - if he wants - are all "His bitches".
And considering that we at this point aren't ... there is reason to believe that thats not how its going to end either.
But at first in creation we so have the first Insight ... not yet a human being. The spark of cognition that is at the beginning of what
unfolds from the Truth of Reality at its most intimate. As intrinsic to reality as Math. The case of the 'clock' that had to be designed
by someone, ... that the creator is more complex than the creation and the subsequent question as for who created the creator - reality
holds the much simpler question: Where does creativity come into play? No, ... 'where' ... 'at which point' does the substance gain the
ability to being creative? Of which does this aspect of reality come? The question of complexity here is a deception as the emergence of
stuff comes from the immense nature of the spirit and unfolds as complex within the confines of this inherant 'simplicity'. The 'one and
ultimately whole (number) '1'' ... the 'unit' that is 'the spirit (mind, cognition)' - of which everything is derived that came into
being. The creator so is a creative mind which is as the number 1 a 'simplicity' - the subsequent complexity of the matter however is
a reflection of the minds capacity of problem solving.
In all of 'Abraham/Israel's influence there also is the story of Adam and Eve. The subsequent 'religious degradation' of the woman, ...
or similar regards to gender norms, ... well, they all eventually carried over in one way or another - where right away, ... in contraception,
I had to say that as for women in the military for instance - I am led to think of Starship Troopers - which isn't to capture the potential
fighting prowess of a woman but the element of cognitive diversity ... and as we see in this day and age ... well, ... what?
We can look at the matters of compliance a bit differently. Well ... God demands it as well. And ultimately there is no peace without some
degree of it. But what would be a good thing to be complicit with? After all, that generates the strongest biases. Probably. Furthermore
- what if we are forced into compliance?
So the case with "my little sister" is that ... there is a feeling of ... catering to it comes with a sense of liberation in regards of
it. Yet the things she likes are to my taste too childish. Which is what I assume creates that denial and the corresponding feeling of ...
restraints. Which I would mistake for something that is bad ... as for being 'not girly enough' ... sotospeak. But ... I'm not too sure
what to make of it yet.
In technicality now there is however the substance of 'dissonance' as consequence of denials. And how far it goes? Pedophilia? I wouldn't
exclude it. I mean ... cases where that leads to criminal activity. After all ... crimes are actions that resemble some inability to abide
to some law. Good and Bad are words by which we can further differentiate ... so between good and bad crimes. So, Robin Hood vs. Prince
John/the Sherrif of Nottingham. Or so ... as in that ... stories of corruption as the other side. That which is above the law ...
sotospeak. So its only fair that we be judged by our own Laws.
To me, I mean ... that was clarity related stuff. My contemporary issues are however ... somehow of a more superficial kind. It would
seem. Its about me and about how I feel as a person. And I would think there are stories round about ... that. Wanting to do things
but being unable to. Maybe there are reasons ... but one thing is sure: The world we live in right now ain't perfect!
And we are not perfect. Yet even, ... by sticking to these 'narrow' religious paradigms we never really can be. That is how this world
is made with atheists on mind, them having every right to denie the participation in any religion, safe it be provided that it is to their
estimates the better options - practically.
If there is a point to all this, one that is as free from speculation as possible, ... it is my Transsexuality. Along with it comes my
speculation round about it. While all in all thats all we're doing most of the time anyway ... the point of it all is that of intimate
freedoms. What else? Where of course ... part of the main themes are the negativities that come along with ... stuff.
The 'Evil' - which we shouldn't be afraid of acknowledging as a part of our existence. And be it just a hypothetical concept to establish
a sense of 'Good' from. The lifes we live - I assume are something we have no choice about; And can't while we don't understand the inherant
complexity of our desires. If we all had it our way, how soon would we end up in a cosmic war between theeses and thats? Like maybe, who is
to be of which gender for what purpose. "Like I care what you want!". cynical. Thats what so I assume comes of the Clarity that comes within
Unification - ... "naturally enough". That we ... instead of demanding stuff we learn to 'fathom' the mere concept (spooky
voice) of there being a better way possibly unknown-to/hidden-from us. On another note there is the concept of marriages or alliances that
come with an internal comprehension of who and what - things that have right away a more solid foundation to exist. So, instead of it being
just one persons wishful thinking, there is an alliance of people thriving off of each other. That so on a level where "echo-chamberey
nonsense" does not apply. Else, what is family? What is school? What is culture? What is beer?
Good or Bad? What if Bad? What if Bad happens? More to the point. And ... what would we do? Well ... what 'can' we do? Lets put it that
way. If the answer is 'not much' ... that isn't really a good point to settle on. And what and why - ... is easily rather complex but can
also be really simple. It starts where it starts and for each individual that is the respective own self. Ye who which. Those who that.
So ultimately at some point this story needs to come to this shift - whereby I would rather speak of the other side to all this. The
'Light' side (pun intended). The side from where all this wasn't all so wrong - and in more nuance also only appears righter and righter.
There certainly is a practical lesson to be had. So, the story that comes along with my life when thinking in terms of the 'record' that
testifies of the true living Gods existence.
So to some extent there is the 'extended' pleasure we conceptually see in 'Love'. Or the extended joy of socializing. Or so the value of
society. Where, when we synergize, we come to have pleasure in things that we wouldn't have wanted when solely speaking of our own. That
is however what matters. Me being a 'whore' - I guess - it generally says that I would fuck for money. Well, in a proffessional way. The
background idea is that speaking of ... meat distribution for instance. If we get the way we treat cattle up to a reasonable standard
we see how much there is and how much who can expect - and when thinking of a 'no money' solution, ... we ... well, that 'might fail' -
but, so, we still 'do' have money. So as by my nature see 'sex work' as a desirable 'link' - so, in that perfect world sense. Its, ...
what money translates from or to - in the sense, ... of who/how we are versus how that would work in a financial sense. But in all that,
the question of what I would do with my life when given freedom and wealth ... is, within the female view however, always set to be
that 'opposite'; ... . And so that story concludes into the mystical lands of peace and quiet we was looking for. Hidden in plain sight.
Ts ts.
...//02:48//... why is it that I??? (2017.12.03|05:26)
I still had this feeling like I was writing ... all the other sexually heavy stuff. Which is - weird. Like I've written something I in
hindsight would regret, ... should overthink. Is this too revealing already? Should I totally avoid using certain words. Well - I guess
... .
So - yes #1: I'm saying at this point that I'm not taking anything back. Note #2: I'm saying its time for me to move on. As for the
sphere wherein these aforementioned metaphorical seeds are - first of all there is some metaphorical meaning as to how "large" it is,
but no practical relevance. There is one side which is my personal "arrangement" with "the Universe" whereon I would go on to explain
how the size issue isn't relevant - and there is the other side which is where I have to, ... change my approach on the matter. Like
with my Transsexuality. So, "making them mistakes" I mean. I sotospeak made that experiment: What if I ignore myself and pretend that
there is nothing to be concerned about and apparently I haven't been clear enough on that yet either.
Then, #3, I'm saying that I have no real reason to take these things overly serious. I mean - there is nothing but our own ambitions
that compell us to action. Nuff said? I would hope so. Thats just ... how to say ... 'normal'. I mean, there is no agenda hidden in
that. For me. There is no ... thing. In the context I provided there is this whole story of abduction. Its like the boundary between
two ways of life. Or as I speak of rape, the same thing is there. There is the one side which is non-sexual, frigid even, (which is
another "important" thing I was writing about at some point in the stuff I discarded) somehow at least, as contrast to the other. The
way this works is ... as it stands to me ... rather simple. Apples into one basket, pears into another. I mean, if you're not 'in' yet
there is no point to even trying to give too much of a damn about those things. Thats not what matters anyhow. Just ... noting it.
I mean, if I somehow got, by circumstance and what not, into the Gaming Industry as a Designer/Developer/Producer, because of my
'skills' in Art and I.T., there are those. Those skills. Lets say those are ... bananas. They are somewhere in my head and when I do
that work I'm sotospeak in bananamode.
Good point to stick to for a while. So - as a detour: If I so go home, ... come home from work, I would get into some other mode. Else
I'd still be in that Bananamode - and that situation feels wrong. Its the part where I would argue for myself that this isn't ideal for
me. I 'can', ... but its not perfect. The drift from Bananamode into ... my leisure/privacy mode ... is the problem there. But ...
thats as far as I can go here. I'm not too sure about those things.
So, the issue is ... imagine a fruit bowl. So, that is then "mind at its whole". All the fruits are in there. And then there are certain
patterns and combinations of what is active at the time that makes up our "basic routines" - and that how the exact where is what is
basically horseshit. Horseshit akin of 'First world problems'. So to the point that ... first world problems are issues that come from the
ways we live. And in our individual "first world microcosms" - those issues pop up eventually; And when they do, they are legitimate
ones. It "hurts" to say, but they are as legitimate as the need for food people on the bottom of things have. Practically. At the high end
of first world problems there are issues like - how to decorate my living room? By which I mean: Its culture. The way we build houses
today is different to how "we" built them millenia ago. Science is a thing too. One thing built on another. We progress, improve our
standards, ... eventually establish new norms and paradigms by doing so ... so there is the internet ..., and each 'new' thing is another
thing we'll eventually look back as though it were the stone age. So, there is this 'mess' in our heads - and when we're "there" we can
attempt to clean stuff up.
The reason 'the size of the sphere' doesn't matter is because I'm ... "drawn" (connected) to its center. So, if I just 'dropped backwards',
"giving "it" to gravity" - like just dropping into my bed to setup the proper metaphor - I'd land there. Thats the whole ... Sex-Slave
part. So, I guess, if well-being were all that mattered those parts would be more important to us than anything 'productivity' related.
If it doesn't fit in however - as by arbitrary circumstances perhaps - to the point it'd be moronic to bother, it'd be moronic to bother.
Leaving the whole 'ideal culture' issue on the side-tracks. Maybe.
Well - in the right context I had to say - or you brought it up to remind me - that I'm mentioning certain needs. Thats the part where I,
well, somewhat desperately try not to get torn 'out' of that sphere. Lets say those are the pears. The way I feel is like they provide
stability. I can pretend them to be gone and live my life that way - "secretly eating one or two when alone in my bed" - so, they'd still
be there or I'd feel unfine. So my speculation. The other 'side' were the "apples". Apples and Bananas come together in this picture. The
apples are however this 'way of life' wherein the Bananas are a thing. And thats why I feel bad about a "Banana centric" way of life -
that because it messes up the apple part. Saying that the "apple side" includes the Bananas, but not in a way that makes me work well with
others. Its - the way I think of it - an idealized way of life around my skills. And this 'ideal' is basically what I'm living right 'here'
and now. Its 06:18 a.m. - and if I now had to hurry to go to work ... well, ... you could argue that what is to follow now can't be any
good.
Yet, at work, I would then be troubles for "so long" while two things roam around my head.
By the way: It struck me as important to mention at some point that upon 'thinking' of whether or not there is a place on earth right now
where I would feel well - where I'd want to be - my impression is 'nope'. I don't feel like this 'whorehouse' exists. So, there isn't -
as far as I could/can tell - no real practical foundation for my 'pears'.
One other of the important 'statements' in this "mess" is the one about 'practicality'. So - talking of balance, ... well, to totally
stay within the clarity sphere there's the slut part and the victim/abductee part. The one enjoys being a slut and the other is being
raped. Focussing on one side neglects the other - and that goes to say that being always around the same things is rather ... nonsensical.
Its the part where talking of the most extreme of kinks we have to say that this 'can't' be 'all' there is, if there is 'legitimately
more'. So, fruit cocktail vs. "monofruit". And over time I've been "forced" to mention more and more 'anti-pear' stuff while never being
really 'able' to leave "pear sphere". Well, "duh". Yet there is this imbalance which has some relevance - apparently or obviously -
and I'm not really sure about anything more specific than that.
So, whats the scientific method? I'm closer and closer to the stage of making accurate predictions I'd say. And thats where the spirit
does its work by ... moving me on without me requiring any hard ... stuff ... to base my considerations on. I just "spray" my thoughts
at a wall and some of them resonate with the Light and in the near future that settles as something that can be fathomed 'independently'.
Yet this whole scheme is obviously flawed in one thing: Having multiple statements to compare. Yet I got around to making what I think are
reasonable predictions that are unlikely to be flawed.
So apples and pears. The 'pear' idea is that the apples are just there for taste. So, something needed for the rape experience. The way
this ... I guess ... weird statement comes together ... that is first of all a clarity thing. So, in there I started with pears - and
eventually came to extend my 'pear idea' towards the apple stuff. And the basic gist of all the 'pear' stuff at "these latter" stages is
that the pears are always there. The apple sphere - so the banana issue - doesn't work for me if I replaced the pears with something else.
The point is that I can't just 'buy' ... a bunch of ... strawberries ... sotospeak.
Thats not how it works!
The sense is pretty much that there is a sphere - it has its structure - and thats it. The apples are so an outer layer rather than a
secondary sphere. That although in the idea the apple part is its own thing. So - as the bananas are a part of it all, and as the whole
thing works, the exact ordering isn't all that much of a thing. So ... in the end its yet just a fruit cocktail with my corresponding
routines being yet potentially random. The 'order' does at first one thing: It reflects what I think of myself - basically. To not say
that it "helps me" understanding myself. Well - how is the chain of causality there? What is me, what is God, what is real, what is fake?
Speaking of my Kinks I would be ashamed of them for various reasons. Being so trying to assemble an apple-centric cocktail - although I
preferred pears nonetheless. So, an ... emotional health thing.
And there it was easier to accept the 'plain sexual' aspects than the transgender stuff. That because the plain sexual stuff is less ...
practically relevant.
So - the last note there of the previous part was saying that there is that apple part which somehow "solves some problems". Which is to
say that if nobody were to "abduct" me - the 'logical' conclusion is something along the lines of me being 'allowed' to live in 'my
freedom'. Which is inherantly the apple part. Or we could say that it is the 'banana' part - but that gives me that feeling ... . OK -
what feeling? When I eat or drink ... due to the stuff I generally eat or drink ... I every once in a while experience the consequences of
the imbalance of my diet. So, like when drinking too much limo, the sweetener or something 'sticks up' negatively. It gives me that strong
sense of ... I need to eat/drink something else for balance. That feeling just came up. Miracle? Well - possibly. Its relatively normal
though. The thing is that there is a difference between whether the space is 'of apples' or bananas. So, 'making it' a banana sphere is
the type of thing I'd refer to as 'slavery'. So - the bananas are what define my productivity - and making it a banana thing is telling me
that I need to be 'that' productive - and thats not how I work! I am 'right now' basically still working on my software, except I'm not
actually/practically. And that because I need to wait until I have ... the ... "thing". Time, mental space, insight, ... whatever that
'makes it work' vs. 'making me work'. So, the apple part would eventually have me watch YouTube without end in sight for some reason;
As it basically is 'independent me'. Nuff said.
So the way of 'speaking' of those things in quasi-regards of fruit-spheres, is just a more ... accurate to the individual way of speaking.
In all practicality we could just say: OK, give 'me' a castle and let it be good. Or a small house to exclude all the vast space of
unknown that might be in there. To say let me do whatever it is that I got to do. That in a sense that were given were the whole clarity
stuff not ever even a thing. So, if this conversation wouldn't happen. Where you'd expect me to sit down and do my thing - in all simple
naivity and practicality. But so you can in comparison see how little 'life' there is in that.
And for the sake of it - lets further speak of 'nuts' to replace the 'pears'. So, for hypothesis' sakes. As something that isn't pears
but in the picture ... the same thing. So ... lets say ... beta-testing video-games or solving math problems. "Nerd stuff".
And sure - I'm covering new grounds here. I don't know where this will end. Though sure, ... in the end it can't - in the whole - look
too different from what we know already!
So, the apples - within my pear sphere - are to my standards just there for taste. In another sense are the apples that which 'activates'
my bananas. That because pears go better with ... ... ... cranberries. But the apples are still there - or not a thing if the cranberries
are a thing, ... because apples and cranberries ... rather not.
And thats that!
I mean - I 'fear'/feel that the 'problem' or "problem" is the question: "How can I get raped if I'm not?" - and the answer is: "Duh, I
don't!". And if that sounds odd to you - then thats a problem on your end, basically! It to me goes to tell a story of your inability to
step "outside of the box" ... sotospeak. Your stuck to the word - which is different to being 'truely independent'. And when in-too-deep
the issue is also that you relate to me in a truely abstract way; As of all the boxes and drawers and fruit-bowls; While not really having
a line towards incorporating truths of what makes a human being. ... human.
And yea - technically I can't say that I'm a human being ... "like that" ... but thats not what we mean when putting it that way.
So, pears in the center, apples round about. The issue now is that my relationships 'would' be 'pear' stuff with varying 'appleness' to
them. And that is ... more abstract than anything abstract so far. That because in the 'structure' the apple part is what I'm removed
from going into what is my 'life' - where my relationships matter. Practically. But over the course of writing this I learned that the
'vibes' the "destillation of the apple part" creates is 'that' ... "outer limits" part that I associate to one specific relationship. And
it wouldn't surprise me if there is something like a partner for each major fruit assembly.
Well - those are feelings.
So - when thinking of person ... A ... as opposed to how my 'ill loves' went, I don't come to think in ways of ... what to do or wish
for. So, the 'ill' way - it basically started with me being high while love songs were on and wondering: "What if (she and I were a
couple)?" - and so the fantasy comes in where she and I would be ... making out ... and then come the feelings and "bam" its ... "called
Love". Then there are dreams of maybe having a family once; And I'm not too sure anymore about all the things that went through my mind.
But its very visual. So, scenes of 'how it would happen' maybe - "the first time" (how awesome it would be) - stuff like that.
The way 'these' (fruit) things go though is different. Well, regarding "A" it started similarly, although, ... it was sortof ... more
... 'inwardly imposed'. And it didn't stick - so - its barely relevant. In the whole it helps to start thinking of a color. So - eternity
being filled with one liquid of one color. And thats it. And thats ... 'the Love'. And so there is no 'center of attraction' ... as
there is nothing to get anyhow specific about. What 'came' of it was the picture of a house. Or rather so a living room, ... or dining
room. Nothing overly elaborate. 'All' there is at this point is a white tile floor, bright furniture, a glass "wall" onto the garden/terrace,
... a "half there" kitchen ... basically just a 'bright space' to live in. Technically. And there isn't even a person or anything. Its just
... "that space" where "that feeling" dominates. And I so relate to it as something I 'have'. I know it is 'there' - its something I feel -
something I want/desire ... in some way. But I don't 'actively' desire it. Its more something I look for ... or 'would' look for, more
effectively. Its like knowing what types of stuff you're looking for when looking for a sweatshirt/pullover. Except you have no taste
of that kind.
In that sense, to me, the 'Love' between A and me is that space wherein there is this one room without a house that 'hosts' a particular
feeling. And its a feeling of freedom and peace. Like a retreat. And there is no way I could really 'picture' how that would play out. There
are 'attempts' ... yea, OK ... now - the closest to 'it' is by a 'setup' where A is something closer to a good/best friend - in the sense that
the emotional ... "friction" is less serious or romantic or ... well, its more playful or unburdained ... and on that base alone this wouldn't
even need to turn into a love thing.
When it gets to ... "M" ... or "B" ... the images are more concrete. Well, the "A" one is the least concrete in that sense ... so, ...
that. So, speaking of my 'Seal' things are a lot more specific - and that also 'generates' a sphere/comprehension of a relationship. But
similar does it not really 'work' in a 'reality' type of setting. Give or take. It would work in a respectively scripted fantasy setting -
which is what it is. But when thinking of it realistically, that setting is just an abstract. In that regard I have a specific feeling of
romance 'going in' - and one 'coming out'. Going in is 'male' and coming out is 'female'. The 'problem' is to understand the part that the
seal is about in my context - for instance. That because this world is nothing like that world. What I 'can do' is to get into the feeling
... and things generally go differently from there. Just generally fantasies that revolve around the one or the other feeling and are
'substanciated' by those established realities but always somehow ... independent/random.
And experience wise its like I have a tower in my head through which I can go here and there and make out with this and that person. So,
its ... basically like 'real sex' if that is what it is all about.
So - I don't need to want more because the satisfactions is immanent(/guaranteed).
And thats why I don't feel unsafe. Or ... well, there is no need to look elsewhere or question it. Though if there were a way ... to 'really
connect' - I'd be looking for it. Thats just how it/we works.
So, I have this rape Kink and it also "connects" to my Transsexuality so there is this Kink where my gender transition is coupled to rape.
Just a weird fantasy I guess. Well, ... yes and no. In a ... good sense ... the issue is that 'rape-ish roleplay' would help 'softening me
up' to 'independently look for a gender transition'. For instance. The 'how' it is done is however the 'least relevant' part - when it comes
to the structure of Light. What I'm saying there is that 'if' the 'requirement' is that I'm doing it independently - there is a way. And yea,
you might say that this isn't independent at all - ... but if I'm with whom I want to be with ... what the fuck do you care?
#Headshot!
But yea ... technicalities. My bad. The raw fantasy however so rather as guidelines than a 1:1 screenplay for life. Apparently.
Yet further does this Kink have a substancial value to my identity - and my relationship to ... someone ... would for instance go down
'that' road 'more' than what 'male' version there would be. So then I would understand that as integral, well, where my relationship with
"B" for instance could be 'framed' in that way and thats how it feels "right" to me, right in the sense that it 'works out' in the whole
of my ... fruit business.
(A note on the success of Will Smith: It 'seems' that the reason he got so successful is because the 'vibe' he chose had more substance
when it got to longevity ("boradband acceptance" and stuff) of his ... "mojo".)
But 'clearly' there is no 'solid' rule for that.
And my male side continues to be a thing although I transition away from it. It might be for some of the given reasons. Circumstance over
Rule. And as dividing by zero isn't a thing this equasion doesn't work without rules - and in reality, we always have those rules. The rules
is our individual individuality.
And yea - due to my transition the male parts don't make as much sense to me anymore. Neither the whole "transitory "rape"" thing.
And thats how the real life circumstances tell the 'real' story.
So, what real life does is that it presents us a basket with a couple of fruits in it. So - when A and B come together they have this basket
to 'live on' - and that comes without 'real considerations' for how the individuals are setup. Hence no real dependency on stuff. Except when
it gets 'serious' in a 'real' way; Where, I would have to be "dragged along" and yea, thats ... me!
Thats the part where the pears matter - which is the part where we wonder how the things matter after all. So - what are those things to your
sense of everything? And there I have to assume that its not as simple as drawing a 1:1 conclusion. So - the 'dominant fruit' however is that
what you ... 'have in your chest'. So - when in a movie or show the actor stands upright and straightens his/her jacket or skirt, pressing
the thumbs before going into whatever 'thing' the story provides - that part where we set ourselves up for "those challenges" - where the
apple part to me is like vacation or holliday. Thats this 'outer limit' - that room - of "white and peace" - 'friendship' ... something that
is by contrast different to my 'norm'. My 'norm' is that I'm generally - in my intimacy - a pear person. I mean ... thats what the pears are
in this image. So, if it were nuts instead ... you would think of the 'majority' of my life as a nut thing rather than an apple thing. The
apple part would be something I could easily neglect - and might be ... lets say ... "superbowl centric". So - something I don't do all of the
time, ... but something I truely cherish as an integral part of my life. So, "snack party with friends". Circumstances make it so that that
is the part of me that however works as 'normal' for you.
Growth. "Don't stop till you get enough". Just reminded of a thing. I'm curious about the influence of 'spoilers' - or how much pre-digested
criticism influences the movie watching/going experience. Generally so I would 'refuse' to read or watch stuff before I'm going in; But so
don't get the other side. Now I'm watching a "bad rant" on Justice League, ... which I'm curious about, ... and this is now a first. I realized
that I've been on the other side for long enough now; And so one of the things that 'naturally' takes time.
But by now I guess that the Dishonored Wolf has something of a negative bias that is not really working with me. I mean - I did like Alien
Covenant. DWs points make sense to me - and I don't care all that much about the Alien Franchise - I thought ... whatsitsname ... Prometheus
wasn't all that terrible either btw. - and the scenes he's showing make me wanna watch it too ... btw.. Justice League I mean. At this point
I realize that I'm 'really' not a friend of uniform oppinion. So, the idea that all would have to like or think similarly a thing.
... You get the idea.
The 'big thing' here is that ... to me at least ... I wouldn't expect 'too much' from an Action Film I expect to be cheesy or just action
without sense. But some people just 'can't' - and as touched upon some time ago - 'sense' can make a movie so much better. Well, if there
were some deep and inspiring subtext rather than what gives people headaches ... that is.
I mean - with nuance: TDW just complained (again?) about how nobody gets it that Clark Kent is Superman - which is one of those 'alltimers'
- as - it will 'never' make sense. And that 'to me' is just more generally a "DC issue". With a little bit of hostile cynicism (as a
"Marvel Fanboy") - I guess what people want from DC is overly cryptic, entirely intransparent nonsense, ... that makes no sense whatsoever;
In a way that keeps people interested in a way that distracts from the more obvious flaws, ... like how the Clark Kent thing makes no
sense. "Tensions" (). And this can be right despite me being in a minority here. We can call it "the Donald Trump phenomenon". So, the fact
that there was evidence that he is a crook before he got elected, enough to say that he'd be the last person on earth that should be
President of the US - but people saw something ... that kindof compelled them to ... vote. I'd say this Mystery - this, what if in this
garbage chaos there is something of a ... good potential or something cryptically confusing that might possibly end up being good.
TDW at this point stands out to me as someone who has a ... lets call it ... 'very critical mindset'. I can relate to depression - as, how
it has influences even when not 'at the time' literally depressed. Its a greater psychological hole - and putting these things into context
I assume that certain mindsets are just more vulnerable ... well, simply put: To crap. So, when the Dishonored Wolf rambles about (by the
way: Oh its not the same video anymore. Justice Leage best scenes. It gives me an idea of what tDW means by how shitty it is - but the
dialogues still resonate with me. I think the big difference comes from that. Characteristics or Traits that are relatable. So, the "stakes"
on which the 'tent' (the plot) is established. The part that makes the plot of Ghost in the Shell (Anime) interesting, rather than the
action, ... for instance) things that aren't grounded in fantasy this "bullshit radar" has 'objectively' more value - or - 'real' value.
Because bullshit IRL is more serious than Bullshit in silly movies.
Further: Depression to me seems to be something that also relates to hope. So - getting hopes up and being disappointed, then developping
a bad relationship to hope and thus basically ... dropping into depression which in this/his case is ... a statement about the state of our
contemporary world that ... well ... most people should be able to get behind.
And movies that basically 'mirror' this shittiness (BvS!!!) in some way, they also incorprorate that sense of hope - which coming from a
blockbuster movie can be understood as ... well ... an insult. Like "So, you (powerful and wealthy person) want to tell me that we should
have hope while you trash millions into a shitty pointless movie like that?!".
Back to the point. Is there one left? Hmm ... cool. So - my ... pear side ... is certainly something that along those lines "should" have
some negative effects as well. And I realize this in a way that comes with what I have to say. I mean - God doesn't lead me towards those
revelations without giving me some idea of what else I should focus on. Sortof. Well, all the things that ooze into my mind are somehow
... controlled in that way. Else there couldn't be any of this higher synergy between vaguely connected topics and random incidents.
Not from me at least.
Believe it or not!
Believe it!
Well - so however I get the "idea" that if I said that pears where all there is - I ... I mean ... I get the feeling that I'm out of place.
Its ... a pretty definite feeling. So I'm trying to 'find' those things that 'correct' this idea to the point that works for me. I can try
to just say that it isn't right "that way" - but ... whats the ... detail and nuance?
I mean - first of all we want to get our politics straight, we want to get our public relationships straight, ... we want to get our news
straight, we at first want this 'clear sky' - and after the hiatus is past we want to get used to the new standard of that better future
and expand on it. And its easy to see how my clarity is easily a display of decadence. Its a ... zeroeth world problem. Or minus 1. And
such behaviour isn't emboldening anyone - of us at least. Such only emboldens those that alreast thrive in decadence which therefore is
already some bit of the problems we're trying to get rid of. And if you can relate to that interest, or understand that as something that
is a concern to me as it should be to you - you can relate to what I would consider 'the criteria' ... 'for such and such to be(come)
relevant'.
And ... as a closing note (on that?) ... this also 'substanciates' some idea of 'sacrifice'. Though, it isn't that ... entirely unselfish
type of sacrifice I guess. I mean - it doesn't feel like I'm giving something up. Neither is that what its all about. On another side I
just ... get to eat apples rather than pears, ... . No big deal!
Basically saying that if there were an image of me with a speaking bubble I had to put words into - just one bubble - it'd say "Hulk Smash"
rather than "Fuck me!" - at this point ... in time. Certainly!
And this is so now ... ready to roll out I guess! I mean - the latter points are just "damage control" anyway ... conclusive to some
inconclusive random rambling. As small update to my story.
Doctor Help Yaself!
CNS.2017.12.03|10:03