"Not in Confusion" - is my response to Gabe Newell on his stance why you don't lie to the internet. (Thanks Matrix)
He's saying if you lie, people on the internet will figure it out and the whole shit is coming back your way. I don't mean
to deflect that - it just was on the screen as I started my Notepad (this isn't a trigger response); And it works with what
I have to say. What I mean is that there are so many ideals of what the internet is - and if you know me you understand that
I don't believe in this "almighty internet". Its corrupt!
Angry Joe can tell, TB can tell, ... everyone can tell.
Well - this isn't a trigger response. Its - something I wondered about writing; But as it is with these SJW topics - its all
one giant shitshow. And so far ... this has become a trigger response. And whats bad about it? Yea - that is one of those
questions. ... with no real audience to ask or bother.
I've messed up quite a few times ... and this topic is actually about Transgenderism. There is this 'Transition Channel' on
YouTube that I've been checking out - and yea, I'm positive. I mean - I ... didn't need to hear it from there. I mean, no
matter what 'excuses' I had not to trust my feelings - or regarding my depressions as rooted in other things - I'm still
transgender. I ... there isn't any doubt. I've listened to people who detransitioned - why they did transition and then turned
around - and yea; I mean ... its ... one of those (Anti)SJW-trigger things in a totally different theme. I mean - if you're
"Pro LGBTQ" - how does a "Why I DeTransitioned" headline sound or feel? "Transphobic" - or something ... out there, like
that? I personally felt afraid. Say, I wouldn't want to watch that video if it tried to tell me that I'm wrong. But thats not
what I've seen. I've seen a person who felt fine in his female shape - but on taking hormones realized that he wasn't really
unhappy about being male either. And this is a good topic because the reasons or issues - separating these from those - aren't
just rhetorics. I could mispronounce myself and still have 'the truth in sight'. I can say: Yes, not transitioning before getting
a job really ... impacts me negatively. It tosses me into turmoil. And finally - it switches off my ability to reason - as all
I want is "it to end" so I can dedicate to a transition.
But anyhoo - it was basically just one sentence that ... takes me here. It is that many transgender people, prior to their
transition, so I hear, are heavily invested in Social Media or Online Games - with the explenation that this is where they may
experience a female appearance - but here's the thing: That they so 'hide' in a fantasy world.
And so - I have this thing I call 'clarity' (re appropriated) - and I had to wonder; Thinking of going on to explore the possibility
that this my Clarity is actually ... just that. A Fantasy World for me to feel alright in - to exist with my gender - as an
environment for positive thoughts and emotions. Relatively speaking. And yea, right away - in that particular context - a whole lot
of stuff actually drops together to confirm that.
At least certain aspects thereof. And in this motion of being soft towards it - I would at any rate think that, as I repeatedly
have it said, being alone isn't good! Take rape. In hindsight ... I see where I may have gotten things confused. As I previously
stated somewhere: I don't feel mistreated by those I love. They don't come in to rape me - I do that on my own and somehow mean
to project that onto them. That maybe to in some weird way confirm my 'early' sexuality - ... and yea; Many things I believe are
true 'because' I believe(d) in clarity still have this 'clarity-ish' value. I mean, there is some reasoning and rationality behind
it; And where I failed ... I simply blame my loneliness. Or the lack of solid context.
I would then go on to say that "it can only end one way" - but ... "come on!". Really - its either this or that. Reality will tell.
I mean, supposing I'm going to deal with rational human beings - that 'don't mind' to take things ... easy. [God in heavens].
"Let it rain BRAIN!" - PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE! Yea - its prophecied. So ... lets just wait for that.
I'm 4 minutes into a Final Fantasy XV Video - and I'm glad the game was doing fine. And I say that ... as it is. Am I therefore a
Corporate slave? Well, who isn't? Don't pretend! If you're into gaming ... whats ... your point? OK, there is one. I'm sure - ...
but, there are games like these and games like those. The reason I mention this is because ... the video is called 'Why Ignis is
Final Fantasy XV's Best Character (Story Review)' (Spoilers) - ... and what 'happens' here is that a "Game" ... "transcends" ... its own
existence ... becoming a 'Paper' of sorts with content beyond gameplay. Sounds ... silly. Its what we have with Books and Movies
as well. FFXV is however a bit special I'd argue because ... as many criticized ... when it gets to telling the Story ... its a
bit weak. Gameplay and Action is prominently in the foreground - and after I was done playing it; I played some more ... then
layed it aside and barely thought of it. I bought the Gladiolus DLC, but haven't yet either beaten the Turtle nor even touched that
DLC. In FFXV a lot of the details are sortof sprinkled around the whole thing - its like, the Story isn't even there; Not a bit;
Unless you 'actually' cared for it. And well, most of the time thats just Fantasy Bullshit. But this Fantasy BS is an environment
where things happen. I mean - to understand Ignis as the video goes to tell so far its enough to watch Brotherhood and ... aside
of him turning blind at some point there isn't a lot the game really adds to the ... character; For the likes of me at least. And
possibly nothing about it is actually special. Its just another Character in just another Game. But as the human mind goes - being
interested in something - it will figure things out. And when it gets to Characters, their roles in stories, their behaviours ...
one has to think in those terms and that is 'not' nothing. Its certainly not the second coming of Christ revealed here - but,
watching it as a fan gives me two things: a) something to watch for the time being. b) something interesting to think about. Its
not likely that such things would happen to us IRL - while - the story is actually rather thin to fill a book or a movie. Well -
at least in that state of things. So, its ... nice.
But yea - its kindof impossible these days, for me, to touch on anything I personally like or enjoy without running towards some
kindof bullshit nonsense controversy ... see that? Old School! Nothing new!
I mean - people now seriously go on to call TB an SJW. And ... I ... may be biased here. I would go on to ignore it - but I can't
deal with that. One way were to just ... walk away. Its one of those Anti SJW = SJW cases. Anti SJWs hate everything and SJWs fuck
everything up - isn't it sweet. I actually think I see things a bit better now. If I had to blame Antichristians for being both -
its kindof ... funny. I mean - in hindsight ... or ... well. Antichristians are ... . What are they? In my oppinion there are these
and those - and on the bottom of it all, a.k.a. 'least concerning' are ... what we might call "Footsoldiers". Not in that they are
... into weapons ... but in regards of the 'Evil' ... they aren't actually all that bad. They are those who ... got screwed over by
the darkness - lets put it that way. Like ... no hope, nobody to tell them any better, ... and in you are with bad company.
Maybe you can also excuse yourself by some Robin Hood action - or, ... its not all good still - but - survival instincts ... maybe.
As a hardcore Christian however - 'Antichristian' to me - by default - implies some ... OK, to start simple: Misfortune. The idea that
God is unfair and bla bla - the whole snowflake jabam - standing up, inspirational speeches, ... whatever. But I would rather say ...
pretentiousness ... or ... immaturity. Something ... petty. Pittiful. I mean, us Christians stand ourselves on the top of whats right
in regards to ethnics and morale and good and all that - so obviously; Everything they do is inherantly ... stupid. I mean, we then
also are 'sheep'; Not part of a criminal organization - ... there is at least that ... .
We "believe" - trying to better ourselves - and thats in about it.
Antichristians - by all means of logic - don't believe in 'that God' - they don't trust 'that God' to be good; So they exalt themselves
above ... well. You ... get the point. So thinking of SJWs and Anti SJWs as Antichristians who try to figure out good and evil ...
thats kindof funny. Or cute.
But however. If I went on to ignore everything; I felt like nothing mattered anymore. In another idea: If I get the impression that
some weird fight is going on; Something unfair or such where one group bullies at another - or even just an individual - I'm sure
I can find a victim in this somewhere.
On the other side - should TBs rep protect him? No! But ... what did he do? Is being nasty about some Troll equivalent to SJW
I wanna go out on a stretch here and say that this is retarded!
On a completely different note: How does 'it' work again? I watch a Video or Movie and then some people get money for it? I mean - I don't
know how often I had the desire to flag some opponents for cheating; But once it got to that - at the end of the match - its been totally
off my mind. Other times however, I'd stare at that button; So - then its there - when I don't want/need it. See where I'm going with
How can I properly help that - what I'm passionate about - advance without becoming, well, a corporate slave? I mean - how even, using the
Amazon app on the PS4 - can I rate a movie I've been watching? And if I rate it here - it won't get rated there. And then there are those
who go see The Force Awakens like 7 times ... and although I know IMDB and Metacritic ... ugh, should I - sign up at both know?
I mean - if you went with "common sense" - you can't make your own decisions! If you're a believer you - in the USA - have to vote for
Republicans. Not? I mean - thats what it is if we had to trust ... err ... "the Public/Internet".
Decisions are a weird thing. But here's a little "secret" ... I guess: Choices are irrelevant unless there is a right way. If you choose
what that right 'means' - its void! Its just ... down to choice again. Logic? OK, then go - exploit, scavenge, kill, rape - because ...
whats wrong about it? People are gonna die or live in pain anyway! Right? Self first! But yea, it ... kindof works. Without a way to 'adjust'
to - decisions are irrelevant. We don't need to bother - its all just chaos. And this is how any personal agenda gets swallowed up within.
There is no point!
Its a difference as between picking and searching. Say you get handed a bowl of M&Ms - but the 'truth' were a Snickers bar.
Thats the issue with blindness - the bowl representing that which you see - and the further you immerse yourself in it - the more chocolate
will be something that comes in a colorful coating. This can also be applied onto Capitalism vs. Communism. How is it that Capitalism works,
but Communism does not? Oh - and how does Democracy fit into that? Capitalism is a shopkeeper - but Communism is that guy handing that
bowl to you. Whats in the bowl comes for free and is certainly delightful every once in a while; But if you want the real deal ... you got
to get out of your way.
But yea, bladabla.
On another note - actually I should have mentioned, earlier - regarding the Fantasy World thing - that writing that gave me a horrible
feeling in my chest. But it would take me back into that - just as other things - and so, not knowing how to handle that or what to
write or make of it - I avoided it.
I then think, one reason I can't really differenciate right from wrong is because there is no ... right, ... or wrong, ... respectively.
From what I hold and trust to be true - to all the things I end up being confused about - its wholesome.
On another note I think that if ... its all wrong; Marijuana doesn't really help me. I don't get to meditate or think anything through -
I only go on about what flows through my heart and mind. Chaotic - somehow.
And that meets another concern of mine. I mean - asking myself what I want; Its neither of the two. It ... doesn't work that way. I can't
find peace either way. This is the ... I figure ... 'false' impression of what Gnosticism is. The idea that 'cognition', reasoning or
understanding, intellect - mental processes; Eventually lead to some ... satisfaction or peace or such.
What bothers me is a thick fog - and I've come to touch upon it some times. And yea - it falls in line with ideas such as "Drugs are
a distraction" or 'waste of time'. As "they keep me stuck in my ways while I slandered any structure I had to complement my ... habits".
I don't change my mind about drugs there. I guess I'm just learning more about what "each in its time" means. Once drugs gain the highest
priority; "Things drop dead".
And yea - I have to clean up ... my shit - ... . And thats how we then possibly get to how things ... were - as they are ... more ...