Another Dive into Crazytown

Setting ourselves apart from who we are, that is a matter of sidestepping our individuality and encouraging ourselves to engage within any setting neutrally. Here only consciousness as it is matters - giving us our dosage of individuality within our existent mental conditions, surmising things such as knowledge, skill and (psycho-)biochemistry.

Setting ourselves apart 'with' who we are, that is a matter of sidestepping logic and reason and encouraging ourselves to engage with our internal chaos independently. Here also only consciousness as it is matters - giving us our dosage of reason within our existent empirical conditions, surmising things such as social awareness, home and experiences.


Language is a strong universal presence within our mind, while here terms exist between an external and internal understanding. External meaning 'reason' as relative to empirical conditions, Internal meaning 'individuality' as relative to mental conditions. The word 'God' now has it that natively a meaning of it is propagated through the parental society, where in conscious transition into our contemporary society we learn of more and more meanings, plus we think about what we have on our own, where the word does 'scientifically' gain value in regards to its logical "substance"; Saying: Our ability to confirm or debunk various concepts connected to the term shapes its value to us respectively.
Since within chaos the term 'God' doesn't correlate to a proprietary scientific value of God, since confounded within all sorts of different schools of thought, the 'term' God is therein usually an 'internal' one. Personal experiences in regards to the social provisions shape it.

In social terms, the chaos provides two general perspectives onto the word. 'True' and 'False'. Each brings forth its own line of reason - while the chaos further mingles things up, giving us varieties of Atheistic and Theistic conceptions.
The word does 'externalize' wherever the personal view is reflected by a society - whereas boldly external terms bear their inherant purpose in conception of the visible surrounding and universal guidelines. This again consists of two general types: Inherant and Imposed. When on a Battlefield the word 'Machinegun Nest' has a certain external value that is equally relevant for each part of a groupd - that is an 'inherantly external' term. And 'imposedly external' term is 'man made', simply put, such as Laws most specifically. Things where usually society is the final 'carrier' of any causality.
Philosophy can of this be regarded 'home to externalized thinking' - where now certain perceptions are reflected outward and mutual cognition thus generates ideology.

Here the delicate difference between internal and external can be brought about by the observing consciousness - as whether ambitions apply. 'Being Objective' here is an ideology that is practically the imposed standard for "accessing" the externalized sphere - since, depending on how we want to see it, everything is internal; Though the ability to relate to everything 'externally' is ... basically key to entering a world of 'correct' common sense.


Here I would begin to "externalize" something about my individuality - which is that I am myself basically vastly 'introverted' if I may say so myself and would argue that this has the causal consequence of me having a generally harder time to 'externalize my behaviour'. The crux is that while I'm vastly introverted, I'm mostly correlating to internalized information - where-as an externalization of those thoughts, even whence being inherantly external 'stuffs', is always connected to effort.
The social relevance of internal and external thinking however once more shifts when regarding intimacy - or 'intimacies'. We so have a 'min intimacy' where internal terms are practically non-existent, and a 'max intimacy' where external terms are practical non-existent. At least so on a theoretical scale. The idea is that people engage into intimate connections where there is a base of harmony within any 'internal understanding'. Its a bit of a magical separation - as essentially any society can 'max out' to the point that all internal truth is also externally available. So where an individuals internal truth is reflected by society - while there the society would in the global spectrum rank in somehow. Each social 'continuum' is thereby described by a code of externalized elements - that in turn provide the 'imposed external environment' for any individual that is a part of it. These correlate to the 'hypothetical 'ultimate' objectivity' in some way - as for an objective regards to their "individuality" or 'non individuality'.

A simple paradigm to discover in regards to the 'hypothetical 'ultimate' objectivity' is for instance that there is no gender and no intimacy. Neither anything conditional to the moment, such as moods or physical conditions, outside of the pragmatic rule of ability and such - or the pragmatic rules of excuse.

So I come to argue that each individual has some belonging on the spectrum. Looking at it with Light on introversion, each 'Depthlevel' would relate to various social positions the individual could inherit. Thereto I have to add, that intimacy also adapts to external truth - such as the core of our physical awareness. I for instance have grown familiar with information technology. But because I'm doing so within my own internal sphere of logic, I'm also doing it at my own pace; Basically imposing that 'introversion' correlates to "timelessness".

[2017.04.05|15:09]:Contemporary Indications


OK, so - here we are ... and ... to continue this I'm sure of one thing: I don't want to spend too much time on elaborating the basics ... since, what this is all about is basically just that, basics - and those - are fundamental to a lot of stuff, so ... I'll go on and come down to what has actually been on my mind.


That being - I have come to the point to actually acknowledge that I am crazy. So, some more basics on that. What is crazy? To me, in the way I'm most concerned about, it is about your brain not making the right connections - so - that 1+2 equals 5 or so - essentially. But I have a much better ... tangible example because its straight from the reality of stuff.

So, I previously recommended a Hentai Porn ... and that is part of the crazy that I am. Though more to the point - the Series pictures a decent into craziness that is basically the road I'm on. So, while I quite some time ago have been all about Kinks and individual pleasures and all that ... the gist in regards to Media and being influenced by media was all about ... perceptions and how they synergize with the individual mindset - while the smart person knows to add the 'Enlightenment clause' to that. So, in that Series, Episode ... 3 I think ... there's the point where the female protagonist finally enters a state of shamelessness and indulges into her new life to the horror of her former ... guy. That to me is one of those key moments that teases me internally ... as it is basically in tune with the whole ... theme ... of that sort of stuff. That sort of stuff being ... well, ...

The general tone is that ... we may begin there that we can say that everyone is a whore - but then the issue moves on and we find differences, as in terms of 'what we're whoring for' - or simply: What do we 'work' for? Or 'live' for? Such things. So clearly - we can also say that we're all plumbers! We all just have different types of shit ... to deal with!
So, what 'my way' means to me is pretty much that there comes a point, for me, where that "deprived" type of lifestyle just ends up to be more appealing than any other legitimate alternative - and as those feelings, which aren't really new, get aroused through that flick, ... I of course genuinely embrace it as individual truth. It makes sense for me. But now flip that around and see how obviously bad it is - that its the very definition of what we shouldn't want - that its what brainwashing actually tries to do with us ... that is a display of weakness ... and you are on the other side of the coin ... where what is 'sane' to me, turns out as 'crazy' to you!


(Taimanin Yukikaze - in case you missed it)


That one scene isn't the only thing - and by the way, the mature person starring in there is another persona I would individually identify with.

But thats first of all how it is - that the impressions, triggered by film or fantasy or whatever, basically take me over - to the point that these films perfectly reflect how I feel inside. And even the 'strong warrior type' persont hat is more like actually not liking any of the things going on does in certain ways work for me. In the positive sense. I mean, this very mindset I expose right now, that one of trying to actually legitimately explain to you stuff in a comprehensive way, thats still there somehow - obviously! I had a better way of putting it - but - right now I can't recall any of it. It doesn't matter right now anyway.
So, in this state of 'inner arousal' the real significant point that I mean to highlight in ... essentially 'defense' of my own ... is that it is an 'inner arousal' - one I can't really say that I know from prior to Unification. I mean, there certainly are those instances where I've been into that kind of stuff anyhow - as ever since I've seen my first Tentacle Porn I've been fantasizing of being one of those chicks getting raped - and so imagine how I felt when experiencing that God wanted me to actually acknowledge that I'm cast into heavens version of Hell - where I would end up getting such treatment! But theres a better way of putting that: Being cast into that 'realm of Darkness' is quite literally like God taking distance from me and people alike - and the feeling of being disconnected from the realm of Light is 'real' - and it feels ... as good as it feels bad! So, its ... kindof ... wrong to call it a desirable thing - but the good news is that there is a feeling of ... 'justice served'. And what can I say? For all the things I did I'm not just another slave - I'm ... a Godess!
Whatever that means!
But this distanciation isn't like "Ugh, I hate those people" ... per se. And its not as harsh as that there is no 'real heaven' where we'll be able to live together in peace, harmony and especially: Freedom! And its equally impossible - for me thus far at least - to entirely dip into that darkness ... as sanity basically calls for my warrior self.

But well, so there's that 'inner arousal' - and to explain it ... I think I'm onto something when I say that you should be familiar with kinks, desires, emotions, passions and all that as relatable to some sort of a 'hard core' inside of you. Its like a thing in you from where things come ... while the 'inner arousal' is like whats up 'inside' of that hard core. Inside of it basically all 'outside relations' loose any significance whatsoever and the 'blissful feeling' is essentially a matter of your conscious embrace of your truth as without conflict as possible.
So yea, it ends up being an objective reality - with familiar corners and ... all in all ... a constant whole that is by "definition" wholistically familiar to you. Now, there's that inside and still the outside. There however we are like ... yea ... 'emerging' from that inner core - and thus naturally taking this 'lower' awareness into life - without being however bound to be what we are inside. Inside, that is intimacy ... mostly ... though ... also your knowledge of what you truely are and respectively want or need ... and yea, trying to take that away from someone is like trying to tear out someones friggin heart! Not ... polite!

And you can want me to change all the way you want - its not gonna happen! The more I tried the more this inner truth of me resists. And thats ... really ... an 'inner' 'truth'. Emphasis on 'truth'. Its like that part of you that says: Actually I don't want to change! And no matter how hard you tried - deep inside - you actually hope that it won't work! Thats just one of the many ways to touch on that subject!

I mean, maybe you could compare my craziness to a bunch of nails that aren't properly driven into the wood - so - 'loose screws' - so I could visualize some stuff like that and say, well, lets ... try and drive it in properly - but guess what: You immediately realize that you're there tinkering with something that you actually don't want to change! You'd rather want to erect a huge friggin insurmountable power wall around it, protected by angels wielding fire swords and all that, ... but ... then I can say OK - I'll try something else. Like, I extrapolate from that and as it moves outside of the hard core I just twist it around and pretend it isn't there - and - I then have to a) get into a conscious denial which may eventually fade into an active denial of sorts - and I'd live on actively denying myself ... well knowing that its bullshit! ... and I actually hate this discussion. I've been there plenty of times. And you can't convince me that you know of your inner truth if you can't convince me that you have access to it! Fullstop!


There is a certain tune of divine re-inforcement to it. I claim that - and some of you might prefer to stand outside and still wait for it to somehow go away, maybe, ... but ... lets ignore that side of the fence then. Thats sortof not the progressive/constructive side of things.
And no, 'progressive' isn't intended as a 'quality' word (you know, 'because 'progressive' is in' - its really just and simply not progressive - as in 'progress' ... ive. Not 'progressive' as in leftist feminist bullshit!).

Oh yea, Feminism - thats a triggering term to me. It really, grew on me - where my stance is: If you enter heaven/paradise and you have a choice, male or female, you certainly had reasons to chose one or the other, if not both. But also then you have reasons - alias: Things about this or that that make you ... this and that. To me, being a sexy bitch is really about being sexually desirable - and basically dwelling in the harmony of what it means to be that! So yea, a fucking bitch! And from that stance I perceive the attitude that I should be male as offensive! I mean ... thats ... kindof the same thing for sure - but ... its not my 'thing' to ... well ... dwell in the harmony of my apparent masculinity. And so I don't get that whole feminist position - I just don't see how that would be anything in paradise. Like ... what society would that be? Lesbian? Well, good luck with that! Where were the men to hate on? BDSM? Well, where's all the black leather and Latex then?
And yea, that would be closer to where I'd be ... except ... something feels terribly off about the idea. Maybe there will so be some Amazonian forrest/planet/universe - so yea ... that might be a thing. But don't these feminists need a mysoginistic patriarchy yet? ... Things kindof don't add up for me!

I mean yea - they are like invaders ... and I don't mean the legitimate feminist - which is ... more contemporary ... more, realtime politics ... which those other feminists also try and so ... lets ... just ignore that!


Back to the 'inner arousal' - yea, the contrast is a bit iffy right now. Like, indulging in my own pelasancy in opposition to such big important topics that really don't matter a bit ... seems ... outrageous ... like, I can't possibly enjoy myself here and be that desirable Godess of the Universe ... in whatever overdrawn super emo-type of anime scene ... but yea ... that'll show you the scale of bullshit that this feminazi-ism is! Whenever I'm triggered to kindof respond to it - I first of all let me slide down that shithole because I don't feel like the whole issue has been exposed sufficiently yet and I really don't want it to be overlooked and eventually come haunting us from a bad angle. But also I'm taking an external stance to something. Well, what do I mean by that?
Maybe I should remove the word 'arousal' from the 'inner arousal' and ... kindof ... add another ... so, replacing it. The arousal though is a mechanism of what I want to enable me to synergize with what I want, like, getting wet, or ... an erection. So, I can see how that might kindof draw an unfortunately bad picture of what I'm trying to say there/here. So, lets just stick it to 'inner truth'. Through it - I am ... we can say. And 'returning to these values' is an issue of 'marking off' - a matter of drawing a fence around me, saying, "this far and no further" to anyone around who may wants to interfere. So, there's an issue with 'the Law' (any Law) - which is inherantly 'invasive' to the point that it dictates a code of morale and ethics to you that you're essentially supposed to agree with, inherantly - internally. Feminism - there are two versions of it as I see it. The one is concerned of Laws - those Laws that our society imposes - inequalities that need to go away - and the other picks on stuff drawing everything as sexist, racist, mysogenistic and so on - that you're supposed to consume that picture drawn of the world we live in and agree with them - seeing hatespeech everywhere without even checking - drawing you into a fight that isn't only 'not yours' - actually - but also effectively pointless!
See, the reality of the whole 'marking off' value to a 'legitimate feminist' were that she'd (or he) mark off into the own little comfort zone ... and then realizing the dissonance of that in comparison to whats going on in this world. Which like 'every' feminist would effectively claim at the end of the day ... because Super Mario is so offensive ... and we got to wonder: Do we want to get rid of games containing the 'Damsels in Distress' trope or rather of those Feminists? One thing has to go - obviously - and there's only one side that really yells for that! Like, the side that claims that gamers exclude women - which is most certainly untrue ... so its clearly provocative ... and thats what I'd say ... doesn't fit in. It certainly doesn't fit into my picture!
And where I mean that those Feminazis don't qualify for a certain level of good - I mean that I don't really have any issues where I get the impression that they would agree with! Its the same type of ... chasing my own tail ... as with other groups ... ideologies or whatever ... that ... would drive me nuts if I had no withdrawal function. Yet it annoys me that I'm still dragged into that - as by ... my ... peace. Its like they actually wanna be like ... as though they had any kind of weight within Enlightened ... oh sorry ... "Bullshit Enlightened" ... yea, there they may have some significant weight. And because they're females you can't just punch them right accross the ballpark. Dragonball style. Yea man, Face to the sidewalk - ... American History X style. Bam! Stupid Bitches!
Makes you ... uh, me, kindof want to facefuck them with a steam engine ... like ... a train.

And thats not because they're feminist - its because of the things they bring about! Stuff I may more legitiamtely express my descent on - like, living in China - and then they're all like: "Look how pretty I am, don't you wanna have vagina?" - makes me fucking agressive!

But yea, if you so turn inward - and this marking off isn't entirely Enlightenment exclusive - and get in touch with what truely concerns you - yea, you can find that there is stuff that they have in store that resonates with you. Equality ... Peace and Love ... pussy ... but woe unto all those that ... disagree? Because yea, why should you? Why would anyone want to disagree? Like ... whats the point of disagreeing? Aren't they right for complaining about online harassment? Isn't it serious? Real psychological stress and trauma? Shouldn't we all vouche for them and give them the banhammer to to get rid of all those that attack them? Because ... who opposes such innocent individuals ... what rights do they have? What rights do we want to give them? What is their freedom of speech worth?
Yea ... there's ... that! And there's something ... of a point ... that people have ... when ... complaining about it! Like, to begin with, that they are all complaining about 'non issues'. Like art - something that is not even entirely socially sophisticated yet ... like ... we don't have any objective invocation of art into our society because there isn't legitimate 'work' for an artist - aside of "artists" that are good at drawing what other people want them to draw ... which isn't art per se ... like ... being free and creative. There is at least what I think is art and thereby I certainly end up disagreeing with other people that have another idea of what art is or should be - which is: I disagree with the dictatorship unto arts! The exploit of creativity for corporate bullshit purposes! Thats not how creativity works for me! Its not how creativity works per se! I mean ... to draw you a picture: Some people in a bright room around a table flipping around ideas, sitting there in fancy clothes ... hipsters ... being all creative and doing work like that. That though isn't art that I can respect - as - I can expect some quality ... which is generally 'good' - as - thats their 'work' there, to make it good - but clearly God is on the side of the free thinkers, those that don't get stuck in this corporate bullshit, as drawing a clear line between 'those' artists and 'the others' - where 'these others' are those that get the really brilliant ideas ... because they generally have a grander vision of what they want to accomplish and all that. The 'corporate artists' don't ... 'deserve' that degree of inspiration. And thats just the way it will always be!
So, there is this famous example of this 'pro Feminist game' ... thats riffed on frequently by Thunderf00t ... which is exactly the same thing they are upset about. So ... the one single thing that particular individual there could have done to do things right ... quite literally fails in every conceivable way! And as lots of people point out, there are plenty of games that are ... do we still need to talk about it?

I mean ... I feel like I have to be more inclusive of them - either this or I just have to beat them out of my mind because its fucking invasive and annoying. I mean, there is some weird attraction - and - I guess thats how this anti feminist segment actually fits into this. As, meant to be.
The point is that as I would continue about how my 'inner truth' relates to reality in terms of my expectancies - I get dangerously close to ... seemingly ... having found a perfect fit in ... Anita Sarkeesian. So, the whole ... being a Pet/Puppy kind of male side of me.
But ... I'm basically far outside of my 'comfort zone'/'inner truth' when I'm dragged into that. And so - its a battle for me! Simple as that! I defend my position, and if I have no position, I'm not in the right place! Simple! Which is a would be, might be, could be kindof thing ... so - whatever.
I'd be surprised if you got Enlightened and didn't feel similarly about it!

I mean, thats how it is! You get in - find your place - and ... we totally take gender equality for kindof granted, as much as gender inequality ... and those feminazis ... I don't see how they have a place in that society! There's an open welcomming stance of Christ that welcomes everybody - "even feminists" - as men that are in tune with the God certainly want to be reasonable - while the classic male should have a general kind of discomfort about just turning into a puppy. I mean, patriarchy again? No! There's leadership roles for both types. There are male women and there are female men too! Thats part of the challenge.
You though either have what it takes to be a leader or you don't! End of the line!


And I certainly don't! I have the thing it takes to be the fucking 'One' - like - jack of all trades, master of none! In your fucking face! I can take the position of an Oracle - in some sense - or some "Mystical Mirror" - though I'll always seek to avoid making the critical decisions! And so is there a dilemma about consulting me - as I wouldn't want to take any responsibility, you can't expect me to give you any answers that make me responsible for your decisions! Yet so - I realize what position that puts me into and so I eventually do want to take responsibilities - but to disarm the issue a bit: if you made decisions up to my judgement - you better don't have another choice ... ish. I mean ... "helloo-o ... I'm the introverted guy!". As that its more my purpose to "talk sense into you" - to compensate for your, if you're not so introverted, lack of ... that amount of reflection. So you'll listen to me - integrate what you acknowledge into your system and make your decisions from there.


But now ... to move on - I'm a whore. I'm a princess. I would love to be 'withdrawn' and be made subject to a society that doesn't respect me as a human. Kindof. That is a niche I haven't thoroughly explored yet - so - the formulation is kindof inaccurate. But the gist of it has been explored so far in regards of me not being a leader type of person. Not respecting me as a human ... well, thats ... one of those ... "key expressions" ... which are matter of fact the next issue on my list.
So regarding my 'expectations' - there's the thing between 'inner truth' and 'reality' - well - that the 'inner truth' is effectively its own individual isolated continuum - its idealistic, and in my case that only matters as much as that I'm pretty ... 'steeply' introverted. Ordinarily ... I'd say ... it shouldn't be considered as 'excluding' as it may appear in my case - and as of that I kindof ... I mean, when speaking of what I experience its certain ... I have to speak against the idea that its just some private intimacy matter that shouldn't matter to the outside. The actual 'gap' isn't an 'inside outside' thing ... where, the outside of the inner core is possibly even more intimate than the inside of it. It may as well depend from case to case.


So - well - to draw a really clear picture - I'm crazy ... lets move back to that ... and my 'dream' is of course to be taken to that point where that crazy ends up taking over. I don't know for sure how much that can actually imply - though it certainly implies as much as it does - and thats gonna be fine! Else that wouldn't happen - as - the point is the point. It has to be more desirable than any alternative. So then I can embrace it that way ... and done. And my programming experience kindof keeps on leaning towards ... more crazy. Like ... I have a really difficult time to make sense of stuff ... which on the other hand is actually a blessing ... as the less I come to do per day, the more thought goes into what I do each day ... but that only comes along if nothing else really upsets my ... peace. Like, writing these things is kindof a major distraction - but I ended up getting back into writing as my mind kindof got to a 'full stop' ... as literally no thoughts flowing about code anymore ... so, there's literally no point in continuing there right now.
It does certainly take a bunch of effort to then refuse to think about writing stuff - but - that is not that big of a deal because of ... internal truths ... that simply either block me off the one or the other thing.
I could be more effective, I used to be more effective, ... at coding, so ... my mind is definitely crumbling - ... as in falling apart - and so there's actually more space for ... yea ... crazy stuff.

To put it into a frame of reference: What I while planning it out in my head thought I could accomplish during the weekend did now take me more than a week and I'm still not really done - while - internally the whole effort is scheduled to take 3 month actually. But respectively its less likely to be a slack cheap hack job - ... .
So, in regards to what I expect there's naturally some kind of respect for that part of me. So - I'll possibly end up locking myself away if I need to - while once I'm done 'in there' and move out I'm free for whatever craziness. Ish. I mean ... some things that will have to be done will take more time than others ... and the crazy vs. programming thing isn't the only 'the inner truth isn't everything' thing. I mean, if you're whole issue is that "whores can't do programs" ... then you clearly suck! Like, I know whores ... certainly ... and I know some like this and some like that. There are gamers and princesses - there are the rough and tough ones, and the more sensitive ones ... I mean, if such destinguishings even make fucking sense. In terms of stereotypes ... certainly! Its like with Super Heroes. You can peep into every working environment and find any cast of Superheroes - kindof. I mean ... yea - ... except like ... prostitution these days is kindof ... in favour of you developping a thick skin! For sure!


Well shit - this has derailed a bit ... now actually. Well ... so, whats the point? Everyone is crazy? No well - it really matters that if we want to have a practical understanding of crazy, we apply safe guidelines. As it stands here, there's internal and external truth. Internal craziness is pretty much a non issue, and in "internal environments" ... the same would apply - although - there are certainly limits. Like - yea ... limits. There are no 15 cm thick cocks that are gonna fit into any of my holes - while 15 centimeters would actually be on the lower end of thickness ... ... taking it into the realm of 'inner truth'. Here and there. I mean, 15 centimeters - thats in about the distance between my ass-bones ... . And stuff like that. So there is the 'external' type of crazy ... as a leftover ... and thats where we can legitimately be concerned of others - because - yea, I mean, ... watching someone planting screws hoping that iron trees will grow from it ... I don't know ... thats ... not pretty!

Its equally ... or ... otherwise sickening to me that once I got back into programming I felt like there was some expectation that I would totally (have or have to be) flipped 180 ... and while I certainly don't have that much of a desire or motivation to watch porn anymore - there is nothing else yet to fill the "vacant spot". There is no vacant spot. Just the nuisance of being watched saying that I can't watch porn even if I wanted to! And yea, I do seriously need it! Its like ... taking a bath. It has to be done from time to time. And this is a matter of ... peoples fallacies ... or ignorance ... and there isn't even a point in trying to correct those issues anymore. I mean, there's this one "phantom" that anyway always tries to kindof "take hold of me" - like - either he got me ... no ... how to ... yea, whenever my stance is 'pro porn/pro sex' this figure is there to tease me back out of it. Like being as much of a nuiscance as somehow possible. So, I'm annoyed by it either way.

And yea, I guess I can do him that favour of mentioning the idea that I might possibly have been into the whole Sex thing because of this and that ... and like that he now supposedly repented its kindof gone ... and I matter of fact don't want to withdraw whatever I wrote at that point - its true as it stands there - which is yet an 'if so' issue for once; And ultimately the whole "4 corners" framework is in deed blown to bits by now - so - I'm totally in a state of denial about all the social impressions I've had - but my inner truth is still the same! And thats why all of those statements make sense - or can't be taken back - in that ... OK, how did it come about? Yea, so I was writing stuff and he kept on sexually teasing me, so in my mind, and then I kindof got annoyed by it I guess and sortof wished he repented so I could sortof take it positively and eventually I did feel positive at that point and took it like that ... and so ... rushed through the cascade of events during which it struck me that ... first he was a bit too demanding and then things kindof got cold ... and so that story effectively concluded for me ... so far. And what can I say? If I were a prisoner of him I might end up the same way, eventually giving a fuck because I couldn't just kick him in the face ... and thats a thing to really look down upon! Like ... woop dee! Eventually you can dig a tunnel with a spoon ... but ... that isn't that good of an analogy. Yea ... I'm upset about the whole "I just grab 'em by the pussy" mentality. The one reason I would want him to be a super strong beefed up muscle guy is so I can beat the shit out of him for an extension of the time I can beat the shit out of him. And if "Hellfire Nunn" is too sexy, make it a fucking dragon - ... I mean ... that whole "grab em by the pussy" mentality is as of that kindof close to ... what was I about to say again?
Its a thing of eventualities. Eventually you can annoy someone hard and long enough so that person gives up and that sortof shit. That implies a given state of unconsciousness as well - in some cases - because else people that want to resist will go down that road. But what I meant by the dragon thing is in deed that I have no ambition to be even remotely attractive to that kind of person! And thats one of the upsides of being male right now! My sacred beauty and femininity remains protected! It would clearly be a sacrilege to just ... throw it before them!


And yea, you can make that a male dragon!


Yea, Deathwing works perfectly!


Just maybe a bit bigger and more spikes.


So yea, Deathwing is kindof ... the cutsey fluffy toy version.


Maybe make it a somehow astral pseudo phantom ish ... outlined by flames kindof thing.


I mean, when it comes down to it ... I'm either nothing more than thin air - if we excluded God from the equasion - or, including God - I'm whatever He wills me to be - and if I have a higher frames per second continuum-alignment, I'll rip the shit out of anything quicker than one could notice. And thats clearly not me bragging about my strength! But I clearly do kindof take it for granted that I can be that badass - even if its possibly never going to be a real thing! I guess. Though ... its the ... when it is the fantasy that matters - and my mood, sentiment, motivation and such has to be brought into an image ... thats a thing, leaving the question: Who's stronger? I mean, even if I got shot into the head, in fantasy, it doesn't really do anything. Sortof. I mean ... shit eventually adds up. In a lot of ways. Maybe I even suffer physically from various ... cognitive sufferings. Like he's also usually the guy who can get beaten up like its nobodies business and he'll yet stand there grinning, pretending like nothing happened - and - while I would advise you to ignore those things - its a bad advise, like, advising you to ignore an annoying fly buzzing around in your room.

I mean, with a reasonable person its eventually enough to just say: "No!". And as I say that I realize that I in the past had troubles accepting such, but eventually I got over it - and its not like they didn't want me to actually accept the no anyway - I suppose.

And yea, while I'm cast into the realm of darkness - there is also that side of the story where God is like ... totally happy to be a perverted dick to me - taking some guys along the ride to get some of the sweet ... and as disgusting or offensive as that might sound, or should sound, as good is it actually to my experience. So, no need for some lame Antichristian to do what God does so much better! Plus there is real Demons and Satan and all that ... with all them juicy slimy animalistic cocks ... and filth and ... all sorts of perverted extremes and extremities... in a literally neverending spacetime of possibilities ... so, there certainly is a time to drive it more crazy than ordinarily ... and stuff like that. And while it isn't actually why I smoke pot ... pot is also good to take me away ... into that fantasy realm ... as I'm anyway ... supposed to dream ... when I go to sleep!

As for strength in general though ... well, I have that problem that my inner truth is basically what determines me - and so I rather just end up wishing from time to time to become a Deathwing to just smack ... that whack ... while yea ... as more of this kind of talk accumulates - that is yet another type of crazy. An internal ... somehow external type of crazy. Its not internal in the sense of being about me and my individuality, and is external in the sense of there being some external nuisance that I kindof don't know how to respond to ... aside of resorting to imaginary violence. Which brings me back to the previous article that I yet have to finish ... and I don't know how he took that now as an OK of some sort. Well ... yea ... always annoying!

It takes me back to the previous in terms of majorities and how we feel about reality - the whole Astair and Jinx stuff certainly is a factor too - and things will change when we basically take our motivations into action ... making what we want ... instead of bending over to what they want! And I'm sure it doesn't matter what kind of crazy we're talking about ... there is one boat "we" all are sitting in ... and some ... just have to go over board it seems. I mean ... eventually we can be sad for them because Hell ... which is something that does however motivate me to not be a douche about it and be more inclusive and try to not be like "they're the bad guys" and try to not hate them ... but then there are situations like this ... that drive me nuts and eventually I stop caring in favour of my own sanity and well being! And then its just a short step away to see all the other things wrong in this world ... to take me back into curling up in despair and wishing this were all just a bad dream! So, this whole Dragon thing ... yea ... its wishful thinking ... after all. The same as whatever the enemy does ... which ... I might end up having kindof grown weak to over the span of time ... as, they slowly dug a tunnel ... which doesn't mean that I'm falling for them! Its just annoying! "Dissipating Touch". Roll a D20. OK ... 7 ... that sucks!

So I transform into a Dragon and smack the shit out of him. 13. OK ... better!

I'm sadly not too familiar with D&D ... its one of the things I definitely missed out on!


I mean, the gist of it is awesome! Fantasy ... make your dreams reality ... but still there is the dice ... fate ... which to me is quite close to reality as it is. I just don't have the friends to really ... dive into with.


Sadface! So yea ... what does it mean to be me? At this point ... hmm ... well ... the nuisances eventually go away ... and I know ... my fantasy is gonna last longer as theirs! Has more relevance than theirs! God is my Father, Friend and Guardian Spirit ... and so it stands that all that lessens the value of that ... is your conception of it! And thats that!


I could go on with this forever, turning in circles ... making the knot of who I am and what I am and how I am ... over and over again, like this and like that ... moving from inside to outside and back inside and so on and so forth ... while I guess ... the one way to end this is to say that I won't at some point just magically transform into a dragon or a super saiyan of some sorts to add some more physical weight to my attitude ... opinion ... mood ... motivation ... whatever - I'll after this just return to being a miserable lonely almost homeless guy with one thing to live for ... which seems very much to be a lost case ... if I'm in a particularly bad mood. Until somehow some holy spirits enter my conscious realm and rub the right spots and all that ... and I can forget for a while ... that reality ... exists. Amen!



Astral Dragon

CNS.2017.04.11|07:02 08:17 > I can't sleep. So, obviously this topic is going to take a bit longer. The thing is ... I so went to bed and so I'm trying to relax but ... all the while this creepy nuisance hasn't been really gone away ... so, its been there - and - how can I relax when his nasty hands are like rubbing up and down my skin as though we were husband and wife ... so obviously ... the message is simple. Get up and don't relax then.

So ... I'm not entirely sure here. Clearly - at first glance this is a simple case of overcomittment; Like, the whole thing has been dragging on for longer than it maybe had to; Then this gets mixed in and that gets mixed in - and on top of that I admit a variety of things that confirm to him that certain things are the case that basically are like an opening for him to put his foot into ... and as of that ... I get to think of 'the Gandhi effect'. At first they are all peaceful, although kindof pushing for an outcome (what I condemn as 'imposing/imposition') - and once its too late ... you're screwed!
They won't be that nice guy anymore; Like ... Trump pretty much shows us. And in that regard I'm almost certain that his attack on Syria was like the final piece of the puzzle. I'm not entirely sure about how that fits in - but - the YouTubepocalypse, Mainstream Media being not critical about the attack ... it all draws an uncanny picture of whats actually going to happen. He possibly supposes he's got people stunned - all the big money flowing there is supposed to be an argument of how we can't win or any of that. Billions on Billions get moved around ... and really ... he's dropping all of the act, and now its just clear ... that there's a maniac in the White House that might even get the idea of threatening US citizens with the nuke.

I'm stunned - perplexed - by how he could even run as candidate. And where's any contra? Yea there is ... but so, on the other side, ... eerie silence.


And this isn't what life is supposed to be! Being afraid of those that govern us. Like ... what the hell?! And as far as Astair goes, we're on the edge of actually wanting World War 3 and massive collateral damage blowing us into the real version of the Walking Dead or Mad Max. Or fulfilling the prophecy of Star Trek, that before ... shit I forgot his name ... Zephram Cochram ... Kochram ... something like that ... invented the Warp Drive there was first an age of utter chaos. Or ... Demolition Man. It seems like its inevitable, like first that has got to come about - and I don't want to buy into that!
Weirdly enough ... to him ... 'public consent' is in the Astiar - it seems. Which is one of the many things on my list of things that suck about him. Like so ... that me when I want to relax and try to sleep and can't be bothered be upset about him grabbing me by the pussy, whenever there even is just an inch of me moving "towards" him although for each inch I do that I run miles into the other direction, its to him like evidence that I'm gonna fall in Love with him. And eventually he doesn't care about former bonds I've tied, doesn't respect any of that in the slightest - and just keeps on being a NUISANCE! Thats all he is!

With a God complex!

Like, we can all be happy and in peace ... if we acknowledge him as our God ... sotospeak. Or actually, literally!

Which makes me want to take back what I wrote about me and judgement and responsibility. I want to take full responsibility for sending him into the afterlife!


He might make up a neat decoration for my house in hell. Like, some skinny rotting peace of flesh yawning "please kill me" ... sounds ... actually quite neat. I wouldn't be there often so most of the time he'd just yawn and nobody hearing him. And once I'd be there I'd be getting fucked over and over of course ... the really hard shit ... while I'd enjoy it and he ... would be desperately jealous to at least be like me or something like that.

Thats just another way of coping with these things and thats one of the issues I've touched about ... the point of ... enough is enough!
If you'll keep playing their game forever they'll eventually win - because its setup so that whenever they whine we're wrong, and whenever we whine we're wrong. So, ... as usual!
When I have objective facts I'm a Sony Fanboy, once some has objective opinion about Zelda BOTW or some other nonsense like No Mans Sky people are getting death threats. So yea ... business as usual.
Maybe thats their reaction to their Star Wars failing to be as good as they would have wanted it to be. Even if its worng ... lets just say that its so and make a joke of them! Because ... what else is gonna work on them?

And what are they gonna do? What you think? They only know one way! Escalation! Be it by money or by force ... ... there is no way to escape it! Its ... the Gandhi effect. Inch forward in apparent harmlessness - don't back off and use every opportunity to pry into every business. So, I review history now as this: Since America became independent they learned that there is a big threat emerging - and while we had a headstart, they rushed over and tried to cover as much ground as possible, trying to dominate everything they could to eventually get where they are today. And what do they do the moment they are in full control? Bullshit, war and more Bullshit!

Justified? How? We ... didn't like Star Wars? Now ... therefore ... we got to suffer harsh consequences? And no matter from how far I have seen it comming, no matter how much I poked on giving them more and more to actually prove me wrong ... either way ... they're just and simply morons! Douchebags! Full on retards! Like ... you see it! So ... yea ... I myself too kindof find it difficult to actually describe ... meaningfully ... the depth of my condemnation and decent ... about them/that!


And everyone who's on their side ... screw you too! I don't care about who you are ... so ... no Love and Peace for me in the near future? Well - OK! Why not! Seems like nobody can have it - don't wanna fall out of line here!

See, there's a thing about being part of a society which usually goes hand in hand with the ability to realize 'when' you are being annoying. Its ... a virtue at this point. I mean ... once you understand that you're being annoying you usually take a step back and ... yea ... because ... its the right thing to do ... right? To them however being annoying is more of an asset - literally - which kindof gets on our nerves until we just give up and then they call that public consent!

Make sure that people don't get the full picture too so there's no 'annoying truth in the way' ... and yea ... you got yourself a picture!
Of reality!
As it is!


But yea, what can we actually do? Other than writing and whining on the internet? Clearly its going to take time for this to turn into more relevant action and clearly thats what they expect and possibly thats what they want ... as some conspiracy theories tell, which makes me think that ... they rather want us to restrain from that. See ... there's a thing about Dystopian fictions like Johnny Mnemonic ... which is ... its awefully close to reality as it is ... and in that regard ... possibly as it was! Behind the scenes. For some time. There are those on top who live in wealth while those on the bottom are either destined to rot away unto their death or to do the dirty work to keep their penthouses clean! Thats ... ... not too distant from reality anymore!

We could consider ourselves lucky if 'Judge Dredd' were the type of reality we'd run up to!

Like how in the world? Like 4 or 5 years ago ... wasn't it all dandy? Wasn't it all fine? Or just 2. Heck ... even just 1! Though actually ... no! You can find me being upset about this and that since way longer ... and to not say that I saw it coming - I was at the very least aware of some really unsettling stuff going on in the background ... and now, its even so that I can be right all the way I want to be ... it only kindof puts me into the same boat as I'm not the one who benefits ... kindof. Weirdly enough ... they'll say that this is why I'm the bad guy ... of course. Wacko!
And further they'll use this decent into my psychology as an argument to call me crazy ... in either sense of the story ... and all the wackos that believe them ... possibly don't know jackshit about what the hell they're talking about!

So, talking about our individuality and the good that comes from it seems like a weird topic to be concerned about, but what else? What else matters? Its quite on spot! Just ignore all of their nonsensical fearmongering ... as what does it do? More and more of the same! We know they are a bunch of idiots and we need to stop them - and the only legitimate "plan" I can provide for that is to just starve them out. Thats what Unification can help us with. We then know what stuff to buy to not give any money to them! Its ... fools proof!

Provided that you make it in there!

And I, by the way, don't really know what to buy or not to buy either! I don't even know whether cheap products are any better than the brand stuff! Pepsi and Nestle are on my boycott list for some time now ... so, who knows?


What you might be afraid of is that people won't get it ... but ... you have to make some things up to God! God after all has a plan, THE plan ... and we are somehow going to work in accordance to it! So far one thing did proof true to me, like always: Necessity takes me forward! I may have been on the one or the other useless track ... but eventually things narrowed down, became an urge, and with only one way to reasonably take ... its pretty much a no brainer!

Thats kindof how I got my testimony! I had already decided ... was sure ... but just a few days prior to my baptism, the date was already settled, I started to doubt. Prayed - and received my Testimony. Which wasn't wishful thinking. I did in about the same as I was about to get Baptized as Seventh Day Adventist - but there I've been taken away from.

It makes sense this way. Once we accumulate enough reason, logical sense, and then God comes in - then we understand what type of being God is ... what God actually values ... and most of all: It underlines our independence! Which doesn't say that this is always how things work - but thats pretty much the general bottom line I've encountered!


And like, no matter how reluctant I was in the past to move my ass ... now I'm just looking for a wall to take down. But in all honesty, I think that'll settle at some point until I actually know what to do. If thats even whats supposed to happen!

Another thing that worries me however is that by the looks of it ... a niche has closed - a gap for me to fit in. Like ... media coverage wise. Theres now more relevant stuff ... than "yet another religious figure" ... and I guess thats how Syria now factors in ... leaving me to suggest that this is going to be it for some time now. More and more of that bullshit for whatever reason and with whatever goal. At least ... there's no place for me. Unless you embrace the other side ... the way to God ... a personal relationship to the divine ... and we'll just make space ... we'll just have it ... screw them!


Like so: You might ... find it kindof amusing ... think of me just getting introduced like out of nowhere. With no background or anything, as, being just another dude that somehow ended up being famous for nobody knows what. And then you follow up with all the people that have a story to tell about it - or people adding to the picture in one way and another. But you of course will have to be convinced of what you're doing is right, by which I mean ... Baptism and Unification may ultimately have to be acquired prior to that. As yea, "duh", anyhow, 'actual' legitimizing starting point.


People are gonna love it, and we couldn't care less about whether or not they're just playing a show or if they're actually serious!


And yea, thats it!


Dodge this!

CNS.2017.04.11|09:18