Now - another idea I've had is that its a bit confusing - in SFV - as to whether or not engage in a second fight. Some bait you it would seem, so - ... some generally take a second match, others are more reserved about that. And I thought, maybe some algorythm in the background should piece together tournaments - or feature 'showtime matches' - as once two are at the 1000 LP threshhold - where now, 3 or 5 rounds were a 'must' - with extra money on the line. To be won.

Changes. With ... me finding more and more peace with my female future, ... I want to dive deeper into how that effects me in terms of clarity. For that, whats going on on my mind - in terms of society, is that there are those 'bubbles' where in I might find friendship. I don't exactly know how I get here - but in general my aim is to basically write some more of ... some ... 'vector'. When getting high and thinking on within my clarity - I get ... once I'm relaxed as in about to sleep ... rundowns of myself in terms of lifetimes. And with each step onward, with each new insight of clarity perhaps, this rundown shifted. Once it were practically 'potential lifetimes' - as in hentai porn - basically transitioning from situations of rape to situations of rape. So, although it changes over time - I think it bears some greater significance as ... its a thing however. And when it gets to things - we have something to deal with.

So - as for my ping, there is Clarity, Green to Red, then there are Runes and Seals and that isn't entirely clear so far. If we were to go and name it 'weddings' - as a simple: "Single or not" - or some other social tag, maybe - I ... or we ... have to start where it all starts. With - the Foundation. Or, architectural. But I realize that this has little to do with that rundown. So, what is this rundown for me anyway?
Right now its basically a looking forward to pregnancy, to being born ... oh, I ... wrote that already. So, into slavery up to an age of 16, death rape, then some lifetimes concentrated on teen years, then early twenties then late 40s. And somewhere prior to pregnancy all the other hentai stuff had to fit in.

Now - there is this idea that this vector might be some social vector, as - proposed in terms of friendships. I cannot say yes or no to that, per se, but this also suggests that ... it might be. So at least we have the idea of what we might call 'exotic incompatibility'. You would read on my wall that I'm a whore, this and that, here and there - and I personally am fine with that. The idea of humiliation - well - when given into the right context I don't 'perceive' social degradation. Like, if I had to masturbate in front of everyone - and I knew that the place where I'm doing it at/where its comming from is my legitimate ... 'hold' - where I'm obligated to obey ... it were my comfort to them that mattered.
So - in a sense we had our private intimate shenanigans - and I were to them, ... something. This being my home - well - is where you'll find me the way I am ... and so thats where things matter to me. Everything round about - to me - could as well only be just a wallpaper. Its like ... nobody even exists. And - this is logically comprehensive. "Why would I give a damn?".

There are certain links - streamlines - where I like to perform well, like - lets say Street Fighter - and for that reason there is potential for friendship. Now - if we ever met online - and I weren't famous - you might think, OK, lets socialize - jump over to my wall - and what 'should' you find? Well - that its ... "not so easy" ... maybe. And so - what is friendship? You could look at my rundown ... and find what the likes of me is into - and so ... yea, in a sense - there is a way to see it as somehow relevant to friendship!

I would be ashamed to masturbate in front of people - surely, ... in any given scenario - or, almost any. Of course. Maybe its ultimately some 'inside:outside' thing - in that my shame is constituted by my 'inner sanctum' or whatever. So - for the while that I am alone and have no ... social security ... I don't really have an anchor ... adding any meaning to it or ... well. On the other side were for instance ... some satanic community that took care of me and such as me - and for me it there were: Perform to their liking or move away from it - and so I'll perform to their liking because thats where I want to advance.

Of course this would at some level constitute ... as I'm an animal ... some level of reward for me - ... I think.

Animal - ... here is some other surge ... I come to realize ... another 'must have' ... and this now co-incides with the collar; And is one of those 'deeper things' - we don't know yet really much about - so, from this angle.

But as for me - this is about getting legally recognized as animal, or maybe even object. And as of this - I think something that comes right along with this 'mansion/primary' thing is a background manifest of sort - as some form of consolidation or verification/validation regarding that which is there in the front.
So - yea ... directly, ... I'm a slave ... and how come? And ... what?

So - here we might have clarity, but ... maybe ... not. And well, I can't be an object, ultimately, since I'm alive. So - I guess, 'cattle' is as low as it goes.

And this also goes with my Clarity Level 3. So - anyway ... that ... is just part of all the things that might fit onto this page; Its ... a dilemma of sort. And we still have that spiral. So - we can say: If it can go into there, lets leave it at that.

So - hmm... what does that lead up to?

If we want to take it so, that everyone had to share their own intimate setup - publically - we could here have it be a 'clarity profile' maybe. Anyhow - any solid 'home' comes from some degree of clarity - and, when it gets to that - I think, from a simple observatory perspective, the brighter something is, the more pronounced it should be. So, this is totally to not get confused with terms. There is 'some light' - while ultimately to me there are feelings, or is that feeling, of gratitude, and ... absolutes.

Describing this gratitude leads to a variety of things, ... and while I previously rendered it as 'getting abused as a doll' ... simply put, I would now add some description of how all things depriving me in 'what sense' make me somewhat greatful. And here I right away also come to describe my situation between being a doll and a pet.

And it all comes down to some point where I discard my personal rights. So, lets say. Now, in terms of any kind of structuring this is somehow complicated - aside of this 'thing' being somehow 'thingable'. So there is now some blanks paper that refers to this thing I have found within me ... and while its specific, the right partner had to meet very specific demands.


So this is now one certificate which slaps some 'dehumanized' status on me - and in itself contains the general "descriptor" for what that is all about. So, here it would matter to re-iterate on what is, and say - from the get go I'm a sex-slave, while, thats 'the first thing' as of 'architectural primary'. Err ... lets say ... foundation. This doesn't really matter here - except that none of these acquaintances do hold any 'foundational' rights. Err ... uhm. Well - this thing, however it ties into the rest, now has me captured as 'toilet slave' - which is its own thing, attached to as perpetuating something; And serves as habitual backbones of establishing me as a 'robot' of sorts. Keyterm: "Cumdump".

Now - its easy to make fun about it; And to some point - it comes along with it. So - you might see my 'intimate' evolution as locked away behind curtains - so, where I can freely live without any shame - and yea, when growing within the Light there ... is no shame to be had - in any of that. I could feel ashamed, but I rather get ... comfort within that ... which matters. Now is there that point of evolution, for everyone, ... like, lets say, from child to an adult ... 'maturing' ... and to me that somehow happens with a cock in my mouth. Something like that.

Following the road of independent ships, there is - me being enslaved to Satan, but this is a bit iffy. In general, it is however a thing and thereby rather though, as part of other things. Nonetheless however - equally real, ... centrically.

So, from the foundation-side, I'm enslaved to Satan as condition to consolidate that wedding. So me being a slave to satan is paramount to any of that. From the origin-side it simply ... iterates on my lust ... while my expressions go towards: Glorification of Sin as Victim (of Sexual ...). And so by scanning over what generates the most Light, there are these two that I think I have to get out of the way first. This 'gratitude' and the meaning of lust. That lust thing isn't light though ... its more like ... moonlight ... - but its there somehow. Gratitude means: "Being a Doll" +Rape, #Abduction - deprivation - with an alternate existence as pet.

So - that were now 'this' handle to that ... dehumanized thingy. So, this 'Light' constitutes something for me - which however labels me as Doll while coming together with being dehumanized. So is there now a 'Light Relationship' - another empty sheet - and between the two there is some logic.
Being dehumanized is now something ... extremely kinky. One thing that religion offers to us is a belief in some higher power that exceeds our realm of influence - so, ... whatever that may be. It were now up to God to be that force to us, ... but where God follows a higher order, one has to stick with that. Satanism now allowed some degree of slavery, ... well, that would go beyond death. And to be really on the safe side: At this point we want to establish, rationally, from a neutral though enlightened perception, ... how any of this can or is be a thing.

So - claim one is 'dehumanized'. Can we verify that? Well - simple. All it takes is for us to understand the science within that - and we can take Gods OK. It would imply that people are conditioned to refer to me as ... not human. So, they would get a high out of it ... whilst being encouraged to take me elsehow. I would generally be disregarded, in social terms, ... - and I think some "tricks for show" have to go along with it. After all the now animal or other sub-human has to somehow 'earn' its existence.

Harshly put.

Satanism now wants to push the bounds - claiming people as ... within the mothers womb, or - how far can we go? Controlled rebirth? Its a way of saying: We can 'slap some label' onto them - from where on they are 'ours' - cattle. Sub-human lifestock - ... .

And well - I think ... its time to speak of that: The idea of idols. It seems like a thing. Rules like: Any satanic wedding involves one. The idea there being that one is somehow flexible in the design - or actually it matters not - that much ... . Ish.

But so would idols add context. So, 'sneaking' religion into a wedding to consolidate certain things. And ... huh. Well.

So, there is a shit-ton of stuff, ... where, we want to start simple - eventually - and so, eventually Satans seal of Slavery is a thing. So - at that point the Light is responsible for me - were I as a priestess of some Sex Diety - so that whatever "the mob" now had on mind were in synergy ... with that responsibility. That is how it should be - and 'Lust' is there now that thing. I - easily answered! The force, in my religion, is Lust - period.

So, thats how I can get joy out of depriving or humiliating situations. Lust is a positive energy within me that floats when certain conditions are given - pretty much like ... anyhow.

So ... with this on mind, we have the mansion - and now there this this doll:pet thing, plus being dehumanized. I think 'dehumanized' then comes as part of doll:pet - but I feel that tucking it away like that isn't right ... its more like a combo.

Except - that it yet goes to two separate entities/worlds.

In that sense.

What comes next to that - well - that is abduction. If now these previous things were given, I'd be fine - well - except that now - I also wished it were abduction related. But this has its dilemma. Abduction would now either involve separation from my beloved, or invoke my beloved as abductor. But then, when it gets to abduction, we already also get to my spiral.

So - it makes sense to say that there is an 'A' and a 'B' point - now somehow being the 'From A to X' in terms of how the Mansion now comes together or fits in.

These first two sheets, well, obviously have some place in the spiral now anyway ... but so is that something as a more comprehensive index. A 'this is what matters'.

And so I come to abduction. At any rate is the dehumanization spot now 'that' hotspot for me, or somewhere around there, ... - where the dehumanization is something as: I get raped - to purposefully 'be raped' - so that when asked of whether I wanted more of it or not, I knew, that it could only be more rape. And in that no other choice were given to me, other than to agree with it at some point; And well - this is, perhaps - some type of really sensitive topic. How it matters to me: Either one is or isn't a real sex-slave; And ... professionals should at some point be able to fix things that went wrong ... . I mean ... yea.

We would proffessionalize in helping victims of sexual abuse.

So - whats going on with me there might be 'nerd science'. Abductee now means to me - mostly - that there is nothing but being 'whatever I there now am' - and so there is already a 'what I am' - somehow. I mean ... I first am 'rather' dehumanized than abducted, to say. Although the dehumanization then is somewhat, seen as consequence of having been abducted. It goes either way.

Being an abductee is now - now only here as something I neeed to mention - with unclear ties yet. So - its - kindof a 'shadow point', comboed into the other two but still its own thing somehow.

And well - it goes on. The way it goes on is that I'll have some terms on my mind that are somehow going to fit into this - while at some point I were stupid enough to mention something about a lifetime based on, telling what I'd dislike most to get raped that way. Anyhow - Abduction for me ultimately is a desire for the most ... 'unimaginable' of rape scenarios. Making up something utterly sad, for me to fit into, thats ... something I cannot decline. As previously touched upon friendships - maybe this also can be fetched from the rundown - I take a certain pride in being that way. So, one of the things that matter to me, in how am I perceived, is that I'm perceived in some ... terrible misfortune.

Its like ... I'd humiliate myself by not ... doing/being so. So does abduction mean that its nobodies business just how I serve, within which circumstances I'm held, ... etc.. One theme to go with might be "She's gonna get killed anyway".

And if God now really wants to say that this can be 'the deal' - that I can be branded within these 'looks' - as so for every satanist to get excited about and everyone else to look away o r whatever - but anyhow - if this can be the deal, me perfectly locked up in that but then still perfectly glad about it - and all in all were it all dandy for me ... then I'm in. "Whatever it takes". So how I roll, that being my thing, ... comes first - before all the things I miss out upon start to be of any meaning. And so I will see myself get moved down that road - and I will be greatful, ultimately, for it having been forced out.

So - there this this ongoing thing: Is there some peace for me or is there not? It seems to be that 'no' will be the answer, but just to say that sanity or health or happiness isn't bound to that. Its a cliche - or superficial item. Like - whatever male tension I had built up ... I ... don't really have it anymore. More so the opposite. And that has been a thing ... and it just keeps getting stronger; And with that, greatfulness sets in. As ... it now ... resonates with my clarity - ... I ... can feel it now ... more strongly.

So - without any context now, I would fit into any satanic environment where one were capable of entertaining a sex slave/pet. Here my Kink is about being as within a catalogue - while this would already be 'safe' - in terms of humiliating myself. Or more than that. It were already the heart of my cage. Kindof.

I mean - theres the idea: What matters if no private connections are found? To me - that I'm a whore. It did matter to me, while I was male, that there were this or that - but more and more I wanted it ... to never happen. So either way I find myself at "this end", where I get to argue that any private relationship couldn't function 'fundamentally different'.
Errm - ...
So, what I were 'neutrally' should define what I were 'privately'. Err ... an Onion, has its shape - and the layers make it up. So - the form here - of me - is one - and while 'far' is imprinted onto me as spouse - that situation basically is what that means to me. So ultimately I'm married into prostitution - (abduction) - with 'my love interest' being more or less just a bystander.

So - eventually this is the Light asking for permission to go batshit crazy on me - and mutilation gets interesting for me, once ... I were used to it, effectively. If my normal life would conclude towards it. Violence then simply were a way of consolidating the ... harsh reality of ... this tension between sadist and masochist. So not only perverted, but also with a hammer. In the midst of it we want to get as raw and dirty as possible - and however that were to impact me or what not - that should be Gods thing.

Or - the ways of Lust should progress in their ways. Ultimately, getting valued as a Sex Slave means - a lot to me. It is what I care about ... being. So sure I am vain ... or ashamed of my face ... what have you. BDSM is maybe inherantly some demand for attention - and as I'm a pet/animal - I ... don't need to emphasize this all that much I guess.

It is now however more clear to me that what I got ahead of me is to get twisted. And some of these effects I can already feel. So is my clarity also more like a foreshadowing - I see whats true, but how it affects me in realtime is a different story. What I value will change, is changing. In my mind - I'm already making space for sex utility ... on the top of everything.

So ... even to say ... that "when lucky" - people 'can start' cutting me apart once I turn 40.

I ... want to have ... don't have ... anything to laugh about. I can already 'hear it' - and feel/understand that its true - kindof - (because I can't do otherwise) - that I have no reason to masturbate about anything. Thats ... still, the kind of talk that makes me happier.

I think I need to see that 'doing this' will never go away, except maybe one day all of my 'doing/creativity' will be locked down into a childs room ... being yet ... just another sex slave.

So I think 'you' have to also let go of 'me'. Then. Maybe. You should hope that if we met - I were either as in your dirtiest rape fantasies (for me) - or, as a pet, sortof, not present, ... and only responding to sex being a thing.

Except one day maybe we could be collegues. I mean ... that were a thing ... and it would go with saying that ... yet ... there is diversity to life. No matter how 'dehumanized' I am - at some points I'm still ... 'human'. But technically I should see it as a big nono to call myself human anymore.

So how do we say that? Livy? A Livy? But I'm a rape pet - as abductee wearing a mask of sadness.

Or terror? Demise? Despair? Sadness. A mask of Sadness.

The idea is of course: Towards 'real' brutality. At some points this I guess however again dumbs down into roleplay - as - the situation draws the violence. I 'hope' for it all to be fake, nothing ... false - as so far inherant anti-stance that is active within me; But ... I can dig beyond that and say ... well, I don't really hope that. But I think, the only hopes I can get up between me and anyone else is that I may be of good service to you - one day.

And do 'her/me' that favour and - look forward - to banging it into my head for good.

And I look forward to that point where I'm just 'done' - inside and outside - ... hoping the day will come - ... where what I 'now' want for then - as also implied anywhere else - that this is just 'the start' - its ... the premise ... and everything else will only be more of that. Whatever I had going on in my room should only somehow channel back into that, or somehow be a way for me to humiliate myself - express my, degenerate self - such things. And that were basically the type of life I lived, ... like, those are the 'gears' - essentially - that drive how I understand myself.

Hmm ...

Maybe an experiment, what if the safeword were reserved to the Light?

Surely there has to be some relief. And - what if I get it by some sexual ... way? If I were male I wouldn't want much but be with my love interests - though, I would kindof still rather - get exploited. ... hmm...

CNS.2017.08.02|07:00 //

Out of Weed

Anyhow - these are the type of thoughts that generally make me happy. Its here that I, so the thing, get to those limits where I get to turn around, essentially - but it has (now) to be established that there isn't an exit. And, that not even intentionally. I mean - the whole dimply thing was there to make a case I felt had to be made - and that case is still - what it was, or is. But I were not the only such being, lets say - so, ... details ... are everything round about ... I guess.

There is, thats what I'm gesturing at, a way of implying too much or going too far - Like, while the whole focus of me has been that I'm a slave and now there is that - there 'finally' is that conflict. That there now is no exit - to be - there is the other "shite" of it which means that the minimum and maximum basically sound exactly the same. Its like saying that my color is red - but the color channels were broken so that there is no 'true' red tone. Like X,0,0. Its got to be X,1,1 at least - or such. And X can never get to FF.
To say - its ... somehow pointless to be arguing.

Eventually its just a matter of "YOu're getting it wrong". Or you're getting it right ... but ... you aren't mentally there yet or whatever.

So, 'a mask of sadness'. Thats I think a good way to start ... or end this. The simplest thing with a mask is, well, that it potentially doesn't have any depth. So, if you have a sad face, there is depth to that. If you wear a sad mask - you might as well be smiling underneath. And so there is this sense that once I'm putting it on, it might as well be just a show. Or in words that matter more: That I'm always, actually, somehow on the brink of normality. So - assuming there is a normality in the background, sotospeak, that I were to 'fall back' to once I were to put the mask off. And - smart folks realize: Yea - thats ... whats going on, anyway. And true - as, on that base we agree: Its a matter of 'what normality' there is.

And it shouldn't stand there as that I can never have a smile, ever - which also further underlines that. So we can narrow it down to 'a normality'. And actually this is one of those topics where you want to have experience ... knowledge ... insight. As in: More than Less. And thats a thing ... I noticed on YouTube.

And this idea of there being a past to it - well. Picture it as a Y. At the point where the two lines to the top branch of, there were a point for me to choose. The thing I'm getting at is that if left were 'normal' - and I wore the mask while being on the right - it might be to some as though I were on the left. Thats, as we might say, where it had 'zero depth' to it.

And I think for the most part it is important to establish this sort of shenaniganry to be able to lean into the 'other' direction - like "back to normal" - without actually arriving "anywhere near" "normal space".

So - I get to these three terms and as they've come around they've come around previously - maybe in different orders or magnitudes depending on the point of perspective - but this is simply in terms of needs. Or 'the need'. As I previously, or firstly, started on this subject I was about to add and add stuff to this first need - because I felt that way. And so, that were to however climax in a "death thing". On that line alone - a simple way to say what I see on that first issue/realm ... it pretty much goes 'enslavement/torture-horror/death' - stuff. Although - that already is ... although or while right in a sense - odd when thinking that there is a lot more intricacy to that.

But I'm good with these three points. They are all very basic - so - although abduction is somehow established on the earlier ones - I don't feel about it as though I need anything more fundamental. Or in other words: While 'enslavement' were to me the most fundamental of them all - abduction works as an alternate route - into that. So, what were the three: Enslavement, Dehumanization and Abduction.

Putting it this way, they all can somehow - mean the same thing. Enslavement is the other two as Abduction is the other two. But Enslavement doesn't need to imply abduction. I could alternatively - if I were a different person - maybe embrace abduction without really wanting to be anything like a slave - or it might be that enslavement were yet a thing - at which point it came at a different order ... and what that were about would be somehow up to that person to tell us more about.

But so there's the thing - like - 'rape' is not directly found here. It is one of those things that I need to get into all of my stuff - "don't ask me why" - but in this line-up that were to say: OK, in all these - that is a thing; Which would come down to some type of "I am your father" reveal that makes this conjuncture a thing. But at this point its rather so that when explaining anything, rape is a thing that matters in all of that. Also depression/deprivation (I'd exclude depression - but at this point its straight enough) - as already a thing with that ... gratitude/light point.

What happens there in my case - if we were to follow this simple '3 points' structure - were that I'm extending a term into its depth, rather than extending its width or eventually even requiring some abstraction.

But - this three points thing - I'm not terribly comfortable with it right now.
In essence I think its all just an orb with various terms here and there that somehow mix together and one has to come up with the right way of putting it.
As, when it gets to understanding that Enslavement were the right word I had to come up with - I'd, thinking of things were, associate different images to that. So ... anyway. The thing here isn't really a thing as the things so far; So - the 'needs' thing. I just realized that there is now this situation; Familiar to previous ones; Where I sortof levitate around a discomfort that is only countered by a direct need associated to it. And the other terms finally come along to deepen it. So there isn't a multiple points thing at this instance - actually - but, however many points were to describe that 'one' point. ... Kindof. But it feels significantly like a ... X points to say issue.

But so it takes time, I think. First one has to establish 'the need' - then there is 'the Light' issue - or lets call it 'architectural node' - and with this we have a straight context. Uhm, thinking of the 'Light matters' issue - that even were the first point to make. Except I think it ends up being an accumulative thing. There comes a point where its 'clear' but prior to that it really isn't.

But enough with that. I ... OK, fuck. So, the YouTube thing I noticed. The point is that watching Rags a little as I had nothing better to do - specifically the "back and forth" between him and Console Fanboys - the premise is really simple. And yea - I would have thought: Rags has to be sortof young. And he isn't even 25 I heard - yet - so ... it holds up. The thing is that he for instance has his 'Pro PC' mindset - and to some extend I've had this before. At this point we can introduce the term 'dismissiveness'. The issue now that if there were a point thats effectively neutral - there is some bias on one/either side that'd claim the point for its side - or so a dismissiveness for the other side making that point or whatever. Those details don't matter. What matters is to see it as a cloud or horizon. So, the 'young' mind will need to reason within its own regard - and in this 'small' bubble, issues relative to rights and wrongs are contained within there - whatsoever. And the simple split to the 'mature' mind in this is that someone who has seen more will be more passive on making "bold claims" or statements. And its simple. More simple: Its a thing of having multiple independent bubbles - so as I have been a PC gamer and a Console gamer - those are two unique perspectives I happened to effective go through multiple times. I still have my stance - I'm still a Console guy - but also having been a 'real' PC gamer ... adds 'that much' depth to my understanding of the other side. But I'm still 'as dismissive' on Nintendo. Ironically I'm thereby the opposite of what I used to be. I really 'see' Nintendo products as 'for children'. But ... ... uh, ... I have my reasons and there isn't much Nintendo could do at this point ... and I ... really wish to shut up on that matter. For now at least.

The point being that 'more' can be 'more'. There are general rights and wrongs - we can say - or things that simply matter in a greater context "than gaming" - and even if they are just cultural things - doing the best to your knowledge ... is often as good as it can get. And so the context: You get, I remind you, how 'assessing normality' isn't really a good thing to do if all you have is "your own little world". And this is a way of thinking I realized happens a lot. Yea, being judgemental from the own point of view ... ^^ ... thats kindof common. Its even 'common sense' - lol - practically.

But yea. I now have a new Limit. Instead of getting more and more (into the) extreme - there is the other side. My problem on this has been that effectively I looked at my clarity like at a 'zero depth mask'. That because my 'normal life' reflects none of that depth. Although, ... there is this and that and yea I see now ... there are a lot of signs ... actually. Like, from a simple psychoanalyical standpoint it were interesting to point out that I happen to be a 'pet'. I mean, I don't know how I could be honest and I wouldn't end up being 'called that' - if the psychologer were ... straight forward, as, in taking me by my word. I might go and see a doctor, like: "Hey, I'm a pet - I need people to take care of me!" ... - but obviously I do at this point not expect too much to come of that!

Or, shouldn't. Mustn't.

So - there is already depth. In that sense - were I to wear a mask corresponding to what I 'am' - in a neutral and sterile environment - I'd be recognized for what I am. And maybe ... I'm just 'sad' because I want/need attention; Maybe I'm forced to express it because I ordinarily wouldn't. But that already - however it be - a Masochistic statement. We can see it in two ways - at least. The one were for me to overcome my depression and learn how to speak up for myself in any normal case scenario so I wouldn't end up eating this shit up. The other way were to see this "eating" as a strength, ... lets call it resilience, ... but in the same sentence/paragraph it should read that I then am not entitled to complain.

Yet, so its also with my Depression and anything related to that. At this point nothing has yet actually been done - aside of a few hyperbolical issues that would be sortof obvious ... yet, as my skeptical mind takes over there is 'so much stuff' that ... 'might explain' - how I don't need to transgender myself - but this is already sounding exactly like what causes/caused this problem in the first place. And I think I can somehow explain that in Destiny (the Video Game) terms. I can say that I spent a lot of time in my inventory screen trying to minmax my Character. I have basically a ghost for every ressource that can be gathered - so I get bonus - and I'm also keeping an eye out for getting a ghost for every enemy type. So - what this means is extra ressources on picking up this specific one - or some respective ressource when killing a specific enemy type. I think my Characters are close to perfectly geared up, but all the really good weapons I have I didn't even farm for. I had my first Imago Loop which was great - and because I wanted a better one I grinded for one - but none of them came even close. Sortof. I now have two extra, but having them ... led me to rather not use any of the three. So I wanted one with fireball 'and' explosive rounds ... but anyhow.
I now have one handcannon that does that, and it has a higher impact value, so ... yay!

And yet - I time and time feel that there comes a point where no matter how much more time I invest in 'it' - I only end up messing up. Its like I am, in real life, "level capped", sotospeak - so to the point that all the good stuff I end up having has been purely a matter of luck. And ... playing of course. So I have 'my style' however - and on a sidenote: The reason why "one ultimate weapon" schemes don't work is because there the developper says, basically, that 'this' is how you 'have to' look like if you're playing the game properly. "Else you're stupid!". Yea - if I wanted to play the game for 'that' sortof intellectual challenge - ... you had a [point] there - kindof.
What I mean to say is basically that I have more time than I should have - and that extra time doesn't really amount to anything.

How this matters now is that I, by time, am basically down a road that I ... wouldn't be ... if things went 'right' for me. Now, on this road there are values and virtues - where we assume that 'prime directive' is 'being on that road' - and as I'm on that road - those values and virtues had to apply on me because I'm following said prime directive; And so - of those virtues and values I so had, lets say, 'one perk' (bonus stat, unique property, whatever) - like - "RPG profficiency" - so, you would eventually spend less time in the inventory screen than me - and get more out of it.

(And eventually not end up deleting things that you remember, but not really, deleting - because you actually wanted to keep and use it).

And so you wouldn't assume that 'rape' might be something good for me. But actually - and social activity would sortof support that - all of my 'gaming profiles' were a 'zero depth mask'; Although its not really 'zero' - ... or is it? Well, you get the point.

So I think that I might be mistaken in my 'hope' that fixing my gender issues were anyhow justified - but not fixing them is like trying to fix my problems down the wrong road.

Well. So - one more way to really get into the 'changes' thing is to look at my porn watching habits. Uhm, ... so at first I had a vast need for watching porn. This could be understood as a 'mystery' - but its less mysterious when understanding that my yet young and inexperienced mind had to understand 'some degree' about sex and sexuality in order to progress as itself. Eventually I then got stuck on pregnancy porn. And this isn't simply a "wow" and stuck. Its gotten clear through reasoning - at first - and that based on things that relate to me and my porn consumption - and so - eventually - I ended up being somewhat unable to really watch anything else.

Well - the point really on my heart here is that I get better into the whole ... masochistic side of it. I think/rationalize that I really have to nail that good in order to make the 'normality' things fessible. And the first array of things - were as of this - those three aforementioned points/needs. These to me matter 'centrally'. So - they aren't supposed to be a mask of any kind. And how I feel about myself publically ... it makes sense with being enslaved, with being dehumanized - but the most with when being abducted. In that scenario nothing but me and my abductors mattered - and while in a 'realistic' setting my outlook on an outside world would matter; But because this isn't supposed to be 'realistic' as in: 'actually bad' - so what I'm supposed to be as an abductee is what matters and that also matters to the outside. Supposedly. As for me inside. Regarding ... how I 'feel' about the thing. I so won't/wouldn't feel ashamed because if that were the case - I'd be in it for an outside reason. Get that?

If I so were abducted to then say 'help' - the whole point where on why and what then?!

It goes/went further than that. For once - I by now realize that those I relate to as my abductors - on that page - are eventually to be as close to be as to become my family - which again shifts the abduction thing and my #1 can be that unfamiliar individual. But thats in the further future. "Heaven 2.0".
And here I also recognized a 'new' level of gratitude I have in myself. Its more shallow - and the whole thing is still a bit weird to me. This whole thing in some sense doesn't feel like a thing, but in another sense its ... a solid part of it. And I there have some feeling of love that is genuinely different to all the others. The thought of a kiss, here, actually comes - now and then - with a unique light, in the lips, like - it adds a "crisp coolness" to it. And now it is embedded into my heart, perhaps as a placeholder, that I'm 'shit'. So its what she put upon me - and I'm greatful for it. In a really deep way - like - Nerdily deep. I want to know all about it; And in that sense have a strong 'confirmation bias' - effectively - ... whilst getting my hopes up on becomming more of that. Its shallow - and actually ... this love feeling is a male thing which by now 'implies' that its not going to be a thing - with the thing instead being that she 'embraces me' in a sense of basically 'imprinting' that 'me being shitness' onto me - and my gratitude for that is basically that which envigorates that relationship.

So I previously wrote a bit about how I feel 'un OK' about it - and how its just a minor shift that makes me really want it. And at this point it stands really clear: That all the things I associate to my reality are sortof ... irrelevant. I have to give up everything I know and commit to a way of life I actually know little to nothing about - and of course there is/will be some reluctance associated to that transition. Putting it like that you might see a chance that this whole 'who/what I am' point is manifactured - so - that this 'way' weren't really me and is just delusions and what not. But as I experience it, its inevitable anyhow. The changes here do not come from being finally forced into that lifestyle - but from my mind yet existing as though.

Regarding my male side - and all the 'buts' connected to that, or potential ones - I'm now more sure than ever that I'll never be really rid of it - that there is always some space for me to be that; With all the advantages regarding my relationships; But - its not meant to be a relief of any kind. So why is it there then? I hear that - but its difficult. So, the life ahead to me doesn't seem to work on that simple balance of good and bad. Its more based on 'overcomming'. Its like having two games you really want to play - both are really an investment of time - and you only have time for one. Else the experience is going to suck. I think there is some 'function of relief' to it - but it seems more like a point on a checklist; And in my case and that sense "so insignificant" of a thing that it doesn't 'really' happen - as far as anyone were to be concerned of it but those closest to me.

And yea - getting dominated - is a really huge deal to me. I perceive it as a good thing. So, finally I rejoyce 'more' over the idea of 'my beloved' being actually 'my worse enemies' - so 'my mother' (whom I deeply love) for instance relating to me as a "worthless" fucktoy. Some token of/to her sadism or whatever. And its like, the greater my 'male' love for an indivudal - the more 'depressing' I need/want it to be in the long run. And you can see how this is a thing in preservation of 'who/what' I am - per se - . So - there is ... 5% guy and 95% other stuff - lets say - and while the relationship itself may be built/established on that 5%, its 'wholistic sense' yet had to extend upon the other 95%. There is however no point or way to turn the 5% into the dominant thing.

And so, one way of putting my 'getting raped' thing into perspective was to explain that in regards to how that mattered to my Level 3 clarity - so - getting killed 'anyway'. Another way that now turns up to me is still a Level 2 thing in that it lacks this destinction - so I still 'desire' for that extra bit of clarification, in expressing it - but it works perfectly well nonetheless. The point is that while my 'mistress' were to dominate me with that 'outside world' in mind - so in a sense of: I might (want to) return to it - she's not going to do it right. So, I have to be shameless - kindof - but so does she; And arguably even more so because she's supposed to stand there and make it finally a thing. She won't do it on her own, as I won't - but yea ... its not really easier per se.

But so yea - its a relationship. She gots to know me and I got to do 'nothing' - but if I wouldn't follow along with what I 'should' be - then its not going to be so great for her either. And notice: What I 'should' to me still has this aweful subtaste to it, like ... 'zero depth mask' (ZDM) ing it. But more accurately this what I would or wouldn't do is already settled around a premise where ... if I had to masturbate in the public it wouldn't be that far of a stretch for me.

The problem here is that superficially at least we don't really have a culture 'appropriate' for me. I think. So - its ... or is it? - not like I'm trying to get into the NHL - at least not from the stance of saying that the NHL is an already well established culture. So there are no 'safe labels' - as of yet - to safely say: "This is what 'this' means". But making comparisons to what'd be in a passport/ID-card of sorts ... is one first step into that direction.

Anyway - there isn't much of an accomplishment in getting abducted, right? But this should look differently if 'the abduction' isn't simply an abduction. Yet to 'be' an abductee - I need stuff. Like - a willingness to commit to it - or how to say? A general expectation of what I'm in and where things are going from there.

And I think this is setting us up for a practical start. A good one. To say: First of all we need that cultural framework wherein I can or could express myself. Though in the end it would be enough for me to 'be abducted' for the while people are trying to figure stuff out.
I mean - the real experience is, ... supposed to be there.

But yea. Another thing I wondered about: Why is this 'three points' thing so far 'not' the Spiral? It kindof goes into there, but ... in the spiral the abduction comes last. Its simple - as - with my #1 I'm there in that kellar and primarily 'enslaved' - so, thats where the spiral starts. Or is it enslavement? Anyway - the spiral, from the h) side, opens up into abduction - and so that mattered. First abduction, then dehumanization and then enslavement. But in the general - maybe consequencially - enslavement is what matters most to me.

Balance-wise the thing is going to look as so, that I have some 'obligatory' stuff concerning my clarity - and I get a break from that on returning home. And what I conceive as 'balancing' isn't what you might experience as that.

Phuh - OK. So - another thing is that right now, 'this here' is my 'base'. So, my 'day to day' thing. I sit down here, do my stuff - and applying my clarity/depth onto that would suggest that at the end of the day I'm somehow going to end up 'here' again. And because my Spirals a) is somehow like that - we can see any return of mine to that, as that. But I don't feel 'in sync' with my mind at leaving it like this - but I feel that me acknowledging an alternate 'top conscious' reality is where its going, because that 'reality' consumes Light and outgrows the other thing. This somehow goes along with the 'drastic change of lifestyle' understanding.

So, actually, my mind even begins to 'resist' the idea of not embracing this change - as items that are to constitute my day to day cognitive reality come in. Its stupid to say that this right now is the thought of a shelf with nothing but dildos - but so it stands for me that within my private reality this is like on the top of my consciousness. In the 'drawn out' sense thats enforced upon me. I live my life in a cell - and such things are what I'm supposed to be mentally conditioned by. And so there even comes a wave of accomplishment - err - a ... 'fulfilling value' ... from "doing" so. The more I get my mind into this deprived state of existence, the more awesome I will feel as a slave. And the intent is to 'have it' as a real thing; And part of how that happens already happens to me - without it being 'actually' a given realness.

And so we can establish: My limits exist within these outlines - and how much of what or when and why or whatever - that as far as I am concerned is only a matter of what is physically possible. Simply put.

Another thing: My desires regarding what I would want you to want - directly reflects what I need to expect of my abductors. And I think this in that sense is to talk to your expectations. So, as to react to a 'help' that isn't uttered, or there. That wouldn't be 'cool' - but ... annoying!

One thing to establish there - as I so roam around looking for what to continue on - is the case with me being a pet. So - as this goes on we had to say that the process of getting from A to Z isn't happening without some rituals to separate various chunks of existence from each other. So, while - lets say I get into Abduction first, or should - all the other items (enslavement and dehumanization) (OK, in the stricter sense abduction and dehumanization might be the same 'thing' - as per related entities however, "but ...|") are yet there as active as before - this would lead up to a ritual wherein the dehumanization would be 'settled'. In that sense: If I performed well as an abductee - I'd be getting that. This however creates a 'failure statement' - and the question for 'what if' ... I fail ... is, open yet. 'But' - a general stance should be that once it is established that I'm a Pet, there is no alternative to that. As a ... psychological thing.
And I think so do 'psychological things' become a thing. Things somehow connected to clarity - thereby being 'clarities' that are strong enough on their own to be mentioned - with maybe not so much of a clear link as to why or how ... beyond a few ... vague ideas.

And so the idea towards 'cure' is, that I wouldn't learn a lot about life if I weren't approached in a 'you must' type of sense. Or from the other side: What people 'must' ... understand about me. So that what might appear good isn't actually good for me. And if I now were to be dehumanized but failed at getting there - this were a part of getting there.

And so I see two general way it could be for you and your clarity. Either you know it - already - or you don't. In the latter case, you might actually be the opposite to what you find in the end. So to me that was the opposite of being a ... "filthy slut" ... but not in a sense where I was ever that far away from being that. I think in that sense, however, its so that you have reasons not to like what you like - and this isn't to say that any of that is wrong. Only your attitude towards those things ... were ... not quite ... 'there' yet.

And maybe thats ... where now this new topic ('inner beauty') comes in. Once clarity has become a thing ... things change. How you relate to yourself maybe first of all. Clearly. And one so gets a sense of the own self as enhanced by the light - and once you drag in stuff to enhance that understanding even further - one 'function' is to take stones, in a sense, and hold them next to the other one and see if they will glow. The way this feels is ... somehow narcissistic - I'd say. The light feels good - and in that sense - one is jacking off about itself. And so that sortof is what 'inner beauty' means to me at this point.

Its not directly how I look at myself in the mirror - but the more I see that within me once I look in the mirror - the better I feel about myself. (But the background has to match). Anyway ... I 'find' my inner beauty in deprivation. I think ... I don't need to re-iterate on all of it. Its just a different way of looking at it with ... a different level of weighting ... I think. To me it comes within not a lot of detail and is pasically 'principle' driven. And so it works as a static, more timeless thing that isn't directly related to ... whats important on the surface.

But I think this is complicated to properly convey to anyone.

But its easy to see that there is some 'pearl of deprivation' - sotospeak - that I 'need' to express within my expressions. And its more complicated than 'just sex'. Or -well- - - - it is a 'just sex' type of thing, but that already implies that sex is a normality, 'there', and so - there isn't a 'first that' and 'then' sex. That just won't work. But neither is there a 'get there' and then done. Its not so much a goal as it is an expected consequence. Or an imperative of sorts. But ... I feel like this ... isn't a good topic at this point.

The way it occurs to me, anyhow, is via all the stuff I experience. So - I find fancy in being a whore and this and that - and within this I began to notice: Oh well - 'captivity' and 'rape' sound/feel really good - and those 'brighter lights' 'mean more' - and so at some point I got to 'deprivation'. Starting off on it alone there's a lot of stuff I ... dislike ... about it. The way I got to it now, lets just say there's captivity and rape, already sets up a sexual premise and then deprivation makes/made sense. And with this we're getting into the more obvious subject: Making sense of everything.


So I think of it so, by now, that as rape hasn't been a mention on the things I need - deprivation didn't pop up either; Except as a side-thing in the Light-Architecture thing. And so I start to think of an 'inner core' to it all - then some 'middle' leading up to the 'outside' which were those three points.

But can it just be three?

I mean - after all I feel comfortable at this point because Abduction is a great 'starter' - and once the end is just a start - its a pretty ... good end, sortof.
Yet its a way of asking 'how' I got into enslavement that wasn't really that obvious to me - ever.

Because it all starts with 1.

But then all of this is so deep and complex one might never fully grasp all of it - and supposedly its got to be easier than that. And its simple, kindof, if we manage to ... find the right handles.

But so I have to take that stance and see that rape and depravity aren't really properly represented yet. Though ... depravity ... maybe gets too prominent of a position here ... now. But maybe this is the correct 'Level 1-3' way of thinking. These 3 are 1 - then there is rape within 2 - and deprivation kindof links over or comes from ... however ... - where 3 is finally snuff and such.

But - ... practicality.

So, what comes out - on the surface - in the end - for me? Answer: See previously. So - enslavement. And I think I got things mixed up. So - thats the mansion thing; And in the background there again is enslavement (satanic), plus dehumanizatio... OK. I missed something. So, the Light thing. And how was abduction again?

Thus, re-arranging things to a practical end - there is the mansion, lets call it a skycastle of lost meanings, and what it really means to me stems from its background. It still has its universal social meaning though. So, "clicking on" background, there so 'should be' that tree of light. This would be a 'logical structure' with some 'light node' - but what to say: Pet/Doll or 'Dehumanization'? Lust however were there somewhere as ... soil or whatever. ...

But so - lets just ... darken this whole thing out.

From the practical perspective its easily so: Whatever you might want to know comes down to what there is to be known - so, if that is now about my psyche - it comes down to what is there; Pointless or not. But so the other side is: What do I 'want' to express? And this is the story with them needs. I 'want' to express something because I need to. Its something I 'want' to express but don't for whatever reason (shame maybe) - and the synergy with the light in first encourages me to acknowledge the things that matter ... as ... once then 'wanting' equals 'getting' - we're not asking for bullshit - sotospeak.

And I think this is really what it comes down to. Or the level of awesome that this is. What I get is that type of thing you have an eye on but it seems like really far fetched or something. There's a hope - but your rationality somehow stands in the way. Or - one maybe has a natural tendency to focus on other things.

And yea - this gets me to the point where I secretly want to be sexually obliterated, sotospeak, but its more than that. It isn't in the act, but the consequence. So I want to be this miserable pile of "garbage" that knows nothing but ... or has nothing else to look forward to. And this is one context that takes me back to abduction/dehumanization.

The point there - I wrote of it often - was that I'm abducted into rape and somehow in the end rape were all I could want. The point being that eventually I'll be there where, in the idea, the prospect of embracing it is more positive than rape is negative. A complete mind-fuck. But then there is the barrier of what embracing it implies (toilet slavery) - and I really need to want that to close the loop - it seems.
Its also a self-confirming thing. The idea of becoming a slave like that implies that it 'buts' everything else (and I'm sure one cannot have two of those). So, the issue is that within this ritual I need to want it so much, that I'll install it within me as the default, sotospeak. So, that whenever I were 'rescued' - there is nothing that could be done to make me disloyal to that. And there are two sides to this. The one side is to narrate on the case as far as I can tell. The other side is that those things are driven by what I want - and so there is this 'deeper' demand that essentially drives the narrative. (And if all legitimate sex-slaves are ugly then thats a statement from God to the world).

And so ... I'm like a walking paradox ... I think sometimes. In this sense however one part of my 'inner beauty' is that you are supposed to pitty me. And this pitty is to either transform into sadism or ignorance. Something like that. So, without you doing anything about it.

And so I would even argue that the 'mask of sadness' is supposed to be a thing to make me more relatable to you - in the sense that ... it may in the end be like censorship. Even.

But yea - Maya/Imma Youjo. Great series!

I'm even compelled to alter my online alias to Maya. It makes sense. If I had to move away from fantasy words and living in my fantasy world (Cereylla/Agoraeyah) - that were the way to go.

And a good example maybe - as this is the type of porn that 'gets me started' - in terms of 'everything' - but finally I can't really 'watch' it, in the sense I watch Pregnancy Porn (which isn't about getting me aroused - its ... ambient, more so).

OK, too much stuff - too little time? I'll get weed tomorrow (today) again - I think ... but yea. I feel I have a pretty good balance right now. I'm in a stream however, of logic, where I can't really lean too much into either way to throw of the balance. And it feels that emphasizing 'this' simple fact has all the 'power' ... I 'want' it to have. Like - it puts weight onto the right things - and so, it emphasizes all the right stuff.

But I still could add a little more ... much more eventually ... of something.

Maybe arguing that this 'version of my nightmares' where some I love might get tortured to no good - thats secretly where I want to be at. Like barely even alive. But this doesn't really 'work' that easily; As another issue might reveal: That at some point in this I ... for instance perceived myself as a ... liquid type of entity embracing a spicked cock that fucked me at that time. Embracing like ... french kissing.

But we've been there too. That at some point nothing seems to be too extreme. Like, 6 month of darkness. Like, being locked up in a dark room and raped every now and then. I didn't write a lot, maybe even just once, about it because its far away for sure - and lacks context outside of it relating to my deprivation thing. But I just realized that it could work for people with some intimate claim on me - where I'd be as locked away in their basement or whatever - and whenever they opened that door, I'd all of a sudden find myself there - maybe as though nothing else ever were. That makes sense - or more or a lot of - because it does away with the boredom of being locked up that tightly, without the ... upsides of it. So, the deprivation and what not.

From here it shouldn't be shocking how I want to be raped - uh, getting into my self-depriving-child-sense. And yea - well - thinking of me ... err ... I mentioned that there could be silly situations for me, like, ... what I meant specifically was being ... basically as a spoiled child ... or ... more to the point: Like being fed food I don't like so much that I would finally wipe the plate from the table; And ... it makes me smile to suggest that this could be a thing for me considering that I'm getting raped anyway. #Reality. So I think, the Matrix did some trick to make this come out at this point, that a disclaimer for what I want were to inform me that I have to expect physical and mental ... impairment ... like ... degradation or something like that. Like, in all technicality that 'when I step through that door' - 'this is going to happen'.

And ... 'rape' is really a/the fuzzy word in this. Or ... fluffy? Cozy? Don't think too much about what rape means - as it works pretty well, I think, if you just said that it could contain everything that rape (sexually) might imply - imposed onto me in an imperative way. Ah yea - there. OK. So, I get these ... discomforts ... suggesting that I'm missing a point. Some things go off, however, and I need to find a way to turn them back on. And here the thing I suggest is that you might tend towards imagining me in this sadness, or as suffering - but ... you actually have to visualize me liking that stuff.

And that I am so there far and beyond ... ever getting off of it. Well - although I ... I mean ... anyway I wonder what things will look like once I'm ... transgendered. The big thought being that its either going to end "in a catastrophy" - or that my inner nymphomaniac sortof dies off. So, 'normality' then. Theoretically however I think it has to be related to that abduction ... in some way. I mean - I'm getting hyped for it in ways that make me feel like it'd be ... actually like a punch to the face if that weren't how it went.

That then doesn't seem to be a thing that can be retaliated by rape. I mean - if I ever had to cry like a little baby over something I want ... pacifying me weren't done by giving me what I wanted - but by calming me down and repenting. So, sensitive! While ... nothing about this all should in any way stand against that. After all I'm still a living being.

But in the end I'm just an enslaved, dehumanized abductee - yet. So ... saying, that, once that is the given scenario, there were no reason for me to pretend like it isn't a thing "already". [smiles] - I guess I'm there where bad children go that don't eat all of their veggies.

OK, maybe not - but 'childrens hell' ... there may be folks that are more there than me - but thats another 'warm' place, for me, at the very least.

And maybe there's a thing, like ... although I would in the end also be a 'child slave' - my entry point is abduction. And that isn't specific about my age. So being that type of child slave is a thing I 'want' - but its nothing I 'can' want - its already ... occupied ... I know I can't fit it in and so the way it works for me is that I'm envious of 'them'.

So its more appropriate for me to say that I'm 'a whore and stuff (including snuff)' - 'even at a young age'. So, its rather 'those things' than my age that matters - and yea, thats ... how I feel about it. Nothing else matters to me with growing up or being young.

And so I get to a hold of this ... seeing that I have a perspective here that has some degree of cohesive support from what I find inside of me. Which in the practical sense means: I expressed my needs to express some 'needs' - and so I got to a pretty satisfying end. And the details are details.

So, being a child or not - it in my case is a more flexible thing. At some point my 'abductor' won't be my family per se - and a child-slave background is more hyperbolical than directly ... there.

So, technically there are now things that bond me into that kind of existence - and it is by those things, to the most part, how being 'enslaved forever' basically matters. It doesn't imply that I must be born to anyone specific, ... as in any case those bonds remain active. And wow - yea - this is, ... decent enough.

So, when being "tossed back" into statements expressing a discomfort about where this is going - the first conclusion for me at this point is that I'm not actually in discomfort about it. Many times this turned out to be what there had to be said. I wrote something 'terrible for me' and had to go on like: I feel pretty comfortable with/about it; So - as something there prior to all the discomforts and how they mattered to me. And so obviously I sooner or later get back to being at ease with it, or even excited for it.

And now it is as mentioned so, that I 'have no reason to masturbate'. This is a thing. I used to go to bed and could pretty much expect some sexually depriving fantasies and be really "happy" about it, as in, ... yea ... being aroused and onward. But now there is just 'that' ... 'no reason' ... just the lingering awareness of what I'm in - or am going to find myself in - realizing that I'll get plenty of whatever and so I ... basically just exist in this expectation while having/getting a break. Effectively. This creates a problem with my nymphomaniac vein. And this led to the thing that I kindof even have to go out of my way to focus on the more depriving or horrible points of that to get any sense of excitement - ... and I think this is basically/mostly the case because I have established some things that clarify to me that what I'm wanting there is what I'm going to get; In a way that doesn't frighten me. The key point is this insight of 'a tiny shift' being all that it takes. So, also cushioned by the fact that nothing bad can come from it anyway, this insight works as a hook for me to say, OK: Whatever I imagine/get excited about - its coming down to that - and what matters is the experience, the immediate one, at those points. So where the one moment I'm totally opposed to an idea - and the other moment where I flipped around is just ... genuinely more awesome.


Hmmm ... OK. Did I achieve what I wanted to? And yes - kindof - but ... not entirely.

And it seems like this is ... 'the thing' ... that "the Matrix" is trying to point out is this ... 'thing' ... that - where the 'real' crux is at. So, what does the Matrix say and how? Back at first it was just Secular Talk running in the background. So - its nothing specifically explicit. The general idea being for me not to ridicule myself. And over time, while right now I'm watching the Co-optional podcast (#178), this sense tightened on ... the matters of/about what I really want. So, if I'm not explicit enough about my enslavement - stuff isn't going to work out properly and I wouldn't want that. Ultimately. At all.

And the way this comes is not by saying: You have to mention [this specific thing]. More like a 'hotter' and 'colder'; While responding to things going on in my mind - and those "hooks" jumping in as I'm on the right track. Or, TB is now all cynically saying "What am I supposed to do with that?" - and that right after I was thinking "but how about the opposite?". And this supplies me with some context, or understanding - 'supplementing' my trails of thought. And I think to a good amount this depends on what 'you' 'can' say about me. Or this. But just saying it this way and then adding what I think has to be put there ... that doesn't or didn't really work.

Is there also a sense of manipulation going on? Hmm - maybe people want that. Some sense of ... imperfection within this to somehow see the human aspect more clearly. And yea, as repeated often enough ... I'm lured into some direction by thingies I like ... except that I first had to acknowledge myself to an extent of being receptive to that. Like, I'm not really fond of the idea of suffering physical injuries or even mutilation ... and death - I ... I'm really not. I even found myself at some point writing of how thats nothing I want ... though, now that stands out as a premature reaction to something I haven't yet grown close enough to yet.

So, whats missing, in all preliminary clarity, at this point of my context, is to properly 'establish' that 'rapist culture' - so from my standpoint as in response to Abduction.

In essence this is already a thing. And yea - during that 'Secular Talk' segment, one of the key phrases was something about policing myself. Or 'them'. Like, I'm the guy on top and between all the "its up to them/God/whatever" stuff I'm sortof, supposedly, the person to say 'right' or 'wrong' - or - yea, ... do that.
But I can't. As Jessie Cox said: "This is just an issue that we have (2:13:~~)". And the shoe thing.

And I don't even know what they are actually talking about anymore.

But yea - one thing is: I now feel generally able to 'comfortably associate' ... with/to ... people like TB. I mean ... its as with the masturbating in public thing. I'm a whore - and there is nothing on the line that I need to worry or be worried about. "Fucking useless".

On another similar note - I somehow mentioned it before - I don't really feel like I want to do anything 'more'/beyond what I did already. So, there were these game thoughts that went out; And now ... I'm kindof ... free. I think of finishing my own thing, ... but instead of perceiving solutions to problems - I now only see the mess that it were to get through with it. Ironically. Ironically because I worked so hard, ...; And maybe even am at a point where its just a little twist here, a minor change/shift there - and, to get that out of the way, there still is 'something' - in the 'can't be taken' kind of way - but that might as well be for a million years down the road. So at this point I'm ... leaning towards giving someone all my code, point them to the important projects - and let you figure out the rest. I would rather get dunked into darkness than getting any kind of "special attention".

In another note: When it gets to Video Games there finally is barely a game larger for me than Street Fighter. As far as investment is concerned. Maybe Dark Souls 3. But SF is larger. And there is some sense of accomplishment and joy/satisfaction - and this is a "thing" I can "locate" in my mindset, ... yet so in my situation it has become more of a thing by now that video games matter differently to me than to an ordinary person. For once. This sense of accomplishment is there like a marker of sorts - saying "this is as deep as my involvement/interest in Video games goes" - and its 'passive'. In all simplicity. This saying that in general Video Games are not a thing for me - but there is space where they 'might be' - or 'have become' - and therefore they sortof happened to become a thing. But there also is that point where I want none of that anymore ... and well, "holy shit", this adds some interesting context/contrast to some of my "inner impulses". I mean - I might want to 'continue programming' to solve a bunch of stuff for people with ... not the wisdom needed for ... it. Yea. There is some ... its nothing 'emotionally' - but there is something. It kindof comes from within/inside - but in a sense also more like from behind. I mean - when I look at my heart, used to the thing that stuff comes from within it - that imaginary point in ones chest - there is 'that' - which has no traces of it 'inside' - and the odd thing is that it goes 'through' that point nonetheless.

But yea - this doesn't touch any relevant issues/items for me.

And rather than being good at Street Fighter I want to be good at being a slut, or fuckslut ... err - ... that sort of thing. And so - initially this 'no more video games' thing kindof came out of nowhere, then I found that yea - its actually kindof a thing, but then again not so much - and it still isn't a 'yay, fuck Video Games' type of motion. Its more like they cease to be a thing alltogether. And it is a nice context point - here.

In another way of putting it, the story is that different things take over ... 'significantly'. So - Video Games have 'already' become more of a side-thing; but now there is ... how to say ...?

Anyhow - the way I feel about this, I feel like I've digressed kindof hard.

And I haven't payed any attention to the podcast (which is over now) doing so ... by the way.

And yea - so, also ignoring all that, ... well. I don't think I could put it any better, lets put it that way for a starter. Else I only got stuff like: I wouldn't suck cock "for the camera because I'm supposed to" - but I 'had' to suck cock because thats the thing. And in that sense I basically, generally, try to get rid of that/some "outside sense" - where first of all drawing all my conclusions into a private setting is the way to go. So, whether or not I would actually like to suck cock gets resolved in that sense. I do it privately, for fun ... or whatever ... or I don't ... except when I do. We'd there then try to enjoy ourselves - and would do so as it came to us. The point is here the personal, inner experience. That, if you don't happen to be like me - or not even close to anything round about - is kindof hard to get. Except when its easy, but then you still lack a lot of the more in depth insight.

Except where you don't.

But so in the sense of pornography - it were made for those who actually care to see it; And not only because of me. Except once I'm recognized as a porn star/sex-slave there. Such. I've written about this before and ... although I think this is somehow on spot its also kindof ... totally not. And even if I did it just for the show - I still did it. Its different though if I actually didn't like it - and did it for the show in this sense. In this sense I could play a Domina and hate almost every bit about it - except for the parts where I'm getting raped or such. And this also comes back to the pet thing. The point is that maybe I'd be playing/pretending something to get into the dehumanization part - or to stay in my 'pet character' - but the pet thing is that my mind is streamlined towards that type of existence - so the pretending of being a pet is closer to my real me than pretending that I'm not.

And being 'stupidly in love' with that existence - well - thats a wave that goes through my muscles - or underneath the skin. Through my lips. My anus. It demolishes my penis. Some nasty, negative feelings that give me a sensation of being pregnant ... they come in as 'wows' - the only thing missing being some physical contact that enhanced my feeling of misery. And oh, is that the 'm' word I've been 'seeing' to type instead of abduction?

I mean - deepthroating til puking, getting stuffed, being a cumdump ... it all pretty much adds up into misery - alongside abduction. Being shit. Yea ... its a strong word in this regard.

Misery on that note is however also a word that gets a bit too deep. It feels like - impaling me. It goes through me, up to a certain point, but then its just as a pike sticking in my heart and there is nothing enjoyable about it. Maybe thats where 'death' comes in because misery ... it still does the trick. Or some. I'm quick to embrace that word for a variety of reasons - even so as a plain and simple opaque representation of the whole. And if I connect it to "something else" by saying "being made miserable" and then dehumanized - thats - hitting a sweetspot. And I think thats sortof the "establishment" I was looking for - a place focussed on making me/people feel miserable. That being the whole point. Being miserable to then be funnelled into whatever. For me thats more misery. So - thats the whole toilet slavery story with misery instead of rape. But - the same thing. So, the toilet slavery one.

Further the idea is that there is no turning back from that - and this is actually ... strange, because now this 'pike' is ... going away. So, adding more credit to the term of 'misery' - except there is still 'some' but to that.

But 'more misery'? Seems like it!

And yea - in an image, step one were to fuck me up real good - to fuck me for the purpose of fucking me up, ... and that being sortof my whole thing. Where so 'for' the show it were done to just show ... what we do. Except that we don't do it - but for the show ... sortof. I mean ... we do similar things - or ... of the things we did, some show were a part of it - and I play a role suitable for me.

And I'm 'happy' to announce/pronounce that this is actually possible. "I'm gonna get killed off anyway" - and so holding anything back might even amount to something such as waste.

Now - as for the 'inner beauty' side of it; Maybe thats more so where this discomfort is coming from; There is much less 'violence'. There its - to me - down to being a doll. The main point being that what I just described, as for myself, is what it means to be that. This could already be established if my #1 treated me that way ... as oftenly said. So - just by pretending that she owns me, she already fulfills her ownership upon me. That would lock me psychologically into a condition where I felt owned - and that already induces some level of misery to my persona.

But no. Effectively it stands out to me that the problem I have with the term is that its 'too significant' for me; And that because there possibly are to be explicit points made against that. Otherwise, when replacing deprivation as implied previously, its ... not quite ... large enough.

And that takes me back to the light node. My gratitude of being a doll is within this hopeless situation of being actually locked into a body incapable of denieing anyones bidding. The fact that I'd want a rest, but am so just to 'get it for good'. As in 'thats the point'. And then rinse and repeat.

So the idea of getting 'cracks' - getting/being broken - is kindof OK for me, knowing that if anything were bad about it - there were some consecutive lifetime to fix it.

And yea - that is kindof where those buts are ... seem to be. As in: My current lifetime was/is something like that. Some time to regrow some independence or whatever; But maybe also in some sense of punishment - or at the very least not with the permission to freely enjoy my male sexuality. I mean - I mentioned it before: I feel cursed in that regard.
As on the other side I'm pretty much still miserable. And I don't see what could change that - except - getting that misery I need, into my face.

With this being said I feel perfectly glad about this term. I just kindof don't really know where to put it. Well. Anyhow. So, I previously mentioned those 'nasty moments' - as ... associating as a victim of rape while just having eaten badly or having a digestive cramp - and those moments also first went through a "Yes this is it!" phase - before I just ended up feeling 'just' miserable and there coming to the conclusion that this can't be it. But I can so assure you that if such a moment would come - right now might not be OK though because I'm immersed into some other stuff right now, maybe too excited - I would still enjoy that phase; And at that point wish that all my life could be like that. I wouldn't want it to stop - ever - except when it just stops ... and then its kindof aweful.

And I think thats where this shallow kink or pleasure of sleeping/getting-dumped in my own dirt comes from.
Or goes to.
Or something.

But so far I can see some development that should be safe to say are going to happen. Supposed to. First I need to get comfortable in my new situation - then there will be the point where that is exposed to the public - so for me to finally shake off that part of me - and at this point it seems that everything there-after would be something of an uphill struggle.
Because ... if 'that' was just me shoving some dildos up my butt - well - there could be some complaint and ... bla dee bla. Bla bla bla - all along the way .... from top of the shitty ladder to the bottom of it ... left right ... up down and center ... bullshit, bullshit and bullshit.
That unless there is some clear goal to snuff me away. Physically speaking this shouldn't come from my end either. I ... should be the victim - it is decided upon me. But spiritually I'm totally in tune with that - but so at one point I had to make that choice. And in the sense this would somehow be associated to me being dehumanized. So, at that point they are allowed to do that - technically - its implied at least - and within this contemporary mindset ... I ... have to come back to something. Its about me being male and how I perceive my upcoming transition. In a frame of being enslaved/abducted - as per the rules that I perceive - the thing is that the older I am at that point, the harder I'll get it, to so make up for the past. Then, with 40, ... this age projection starts to feel totally different to the rest. While I can see how sometimes I might end up being a granny ... where I might even die naturally ... for the most part I feel like turning 40 is this magical moment where all the sadists get a flashing in their eyes. This is where I'm really quick on throwing around with ideas like getting my eyballs removed ... and all sorts of stuff like maybe even a lobotomy. Something along the lines of ... lets roll a dice to see just how long I will have to suffer.

1 year? 2? And in my mind this is like a curve. First it gets harder and harder - and then comes a point thats just like ... 'wooo'!

And in a similar way I can say that my favourite is to get baked. With some parts potentially being chopped away and whatevered beforehand. And yea - I want to jack off on that ... but I can't. Its ... exciting and everything, but it doesn't really seem or feel like a sexual thing. But certainly I enjoy the idea of being food. Thinking of it so, being baked and barred up for eating, ... that makes me wanna - take off my head and be a baked corpse ... already. Which is however sidestepping all the agony it might take to get there. But it also could come just like that. With enough drugs ... maybe ... or whatever. And thats the thing. Like ... foreplay.

Then I'm neither really into getting beaten ... but if it helps me fit into that 'mistreated bride' role - I ... can find myself asking for it.

If there were any taboos to mention - as a 'straight thing to mention' ... needles would make the top of the list; And this I feel is a real taboo issue. Its like that side of the spectrum that I really don't like ... and next to that are cuts. Basically any injury of any sort. Or anything blood related. And so it were truely disrespectful to ... do that sort of stuff to me ... and thats why I'm almost certain that it will be happening.

From a different perspective - whats happening to me is that instead of 'swallowing up' what defines me, I start swallowing up what I might be. And there really isn't any real force to bring those things up again.

This, alongside the realization that I'd rather be chubby than male.

So, what we have here at the end is something like me expecting a proposal that I'm going to agree with. So again me shifting responsibility away from me. On the other side I have a pretty decent idea of what I'm expecting 'per se' - and what I'll be agreeing with - or would be; If some options were given. And so, the question is: What does it 'have' to be?

And the answer does sortof pop out as: Abduction into Misery.

"List [miserable things] here".

If it said that this were a point of no return beyond which none of my motivations to 'quit' will be respected - that isn't a disqualifier. The point here might be to say that this is experimental and it can't work if they can't ... just go on with things 'that way'. Although, if it weren't any fun I'd probably get 'reliefed'. So, my only way out is on their mercy. And while they enjoy fucking me up ... or what ... thats what its going to be. And at that point its to me also safe to say/see ... that this 'exit condition' is burried. And so its actually established - that this exit condition isn't supposed to be there. Like safewords. I mean, I had a use for them to say once something doesn't feel right, but then I'd rather just ... squeek or whatever. So in the premise there is this enlightened culture that I'd get introduced to - and based on how I'd feel I'd either kneel down or not. Sotospeak. As simply a 'human to human' attraction thing.

Maybe its too far of a stretch - but somehow next were to impose or imply or foretell that the goal of this particular submission is to 'train' me - so, that were the first bit. Training in my case meant ... well, so to put it: That the goal were to get me addicted to rape or something. Well, to me - all of this is more of a ... slideshow. There are those bunch of moments where something will be brought up to me and I'll feel sad because I have to agree with it. Thats ... something about deprivation and misery.

So, this weren't a disqualifier per se - but any alternative that is a bit more ... 'brutal' in its setup expectations is tendentially better.

Anything without a way out is a definite yes. I think. Almost as if the rest didn't really matter. Except ... when it does. So, if it stood there already that I'd be snuffed - and if I exit I'd just be killed off painlessly - that were a really good way to round this up.

And maybe you could see this as: If I were not honest here, ... I'd really not like that to be where things went. And I'd hate being enslaved in consequence, juggling for some way of a 'screw it' - and I'm free type of end. And maybe I just write this out of anxiety that there is someone how piggiebacked on my stuff ... and I would kindof love to screw that person into that situation. But at that it is also an expression of pride ... as the right way for me is ultimately the right way for me ... whatever anything else is about or what.

Anyway. As for what I expect; There is the thing that when dealing with Sadists - I pretty much feel like that their joy isn't on fucking me - its - within 'raping me' - its within having me totally ... up against it ... and if that is their/anyones God given joy, then I'm the type there on the receiving end.

I don't feel like there is even anything that would make me decline an offering like that. If all from A to Z is an issue of being a sexually exploited abductee #RapeSlave - ... well. OK, there are some minor issues I have when thinking of the physical possibility as far as durations or frequency is concerned ... and actually ... no. I'm kindof not feeling this at all. It doesn't qualify - I think.

But an offering that vague would already be enough.

What makes more sense is something of a roadmap. But I think this can also be a standard form of some sorts. That'd avoid confusion - although once certain things get demanded on top - I should be more than willing to say yes to that. That ... is basically my job there.

So yea - getting locked away and turned into a shit eating sex toy ... that sounds OK, but I feel I want more.

Clearly I don't mind getting drugges - nor getting surgically enhanced.

I mean - some part of me, a male one, wants to be ... what some might already consider a mutilation. Like, super ... feminized.

I mean - I'm starting to feel comfortable with my fake titties - and even uncomfortable without them. And they are quite heavy. But I'm getting used to it.

The bra is a D cup and there seems to be some space left, so, C ... is it ... I guess. But to me it looks like D. But I'm no pro on that. I ordered them as C cups ... thinking that the circumference of my chest might add to it, and the Ds were too expensive I think.
Doesn't matter.

Make-up and styling as an impairment. I can feel that. Having my hair in a certain way or make-up on my face - that always amounted to some distraction. But maybe that is just a lack of experience. I would argue though that keeping an eye out for everything being in the right place ... takes away from whatever else you're doing. Maybe. Maybe its a bad intellectual habit.

But now I got to get out and get me some tobacco.


Whaat? 08:43?? 30 minutes? If the trip wouldn't have taken that long there would have been some shenaniganry about normalcy at first. Like - downplaying it all by saying that I'm a "Sex Slave" that is getting "Raped" while all we did were smoking weed and watching TV. And when thinking of it - thats something I could be fine with. As on the other side it also seems a bit weird if instead of that, all that happened were me getting fucked. Like, day and night - even - or whatever.

The point with this were to get over into what I came to think is one of the main important issues here: I don't like it to be, I don't think of it as, ... a special situation. Like, now its all shocking and what not but soon enough things return back to old and nobody cares anymore. But that won't happen unless the 'social drag' were to force us to it. That because we'll at first start to live how we should - and then we'd pretty much like to preserve that.

But I think I should say that this smoking weed and watching TV thing can't be a thing, ... with whomever. But the thing is that even here I'd rather ... be tied up at least. Or be with my own kind. "Or whatever". I mean - as there is no denieing in that I would be OK with "nothing", this is rather to say that there is no denieing in that there would be some sense of normalcy 'within' - like downtime if that doesn't automatically mean that I'm getting locked away again. But maybe. Some ... part of me ... or some ... thing ... keeps telling me 'wrong' on any image where there's more than one woman.

And yea - some silent voice deep down wants to speak up here saying: Yes yes!

Maybe its just contemporary, but a part of me doesn't want to get used to any "normalcy" - at least not until I'm "perfectly jaded" - a.k.a. normalcy being something 'terribly different' for me. And by normalcy I'd yet go with ... a generally pleasant waste of time.

These thoughts keep being negative to me. Like misery. And so it has herein been already settled multiple times that this 'slight shift' is a thing that seems to flow all throughout me - and at this point the thing that I want the most is ... that to the most. Like some set amount of time, like 100.000 years, or a million, during which its just going to be that. Of course humans can't be trusted and so its up to God and so we're back at the same thing.

And yea - OK. There finally is this thin line between "what is a need?" and "what is exaggeration?". As I would go on a bit like, trying to emphasize how much I want these things - that were a bit towards exaggeration. Too emotional maybe. But ... one for emotional: My appointment at the hospital has been moved to next week. And I knew that two days ago already, but today I got the letter. So, I opened my mailbox, read the thing, nothing too fancy - and it felt a bit like a paycheck.

But anyway - abduction/misery as a need ... what is that all about? I think you can get behind the pet thing ... kindof. Its not only about being unable to look after myself, it is also that when I'm thinking that, there are actual spiritual muscles that "stream" my head into "that kind" of narrow view. ing. I look around myself feeling like a dog, trying to find my mistress like a dog ... being disappointed like a dog. And some general comfort about getting along with it. And it is comfortable because this state meets well with what I'm actually wanting. Its well in the middle of it all.

Abduction and Misery are a bit more complicated. I need to be enslaved - thats from the neutral stance the top need that I feel safe expressing. And when exploring that further it gets to abduction and misery. And damn - I ... really really want to be locked up like that ... so much it'd sound silly at this point. If it were an outfit I could wear right now, I'd put it on just to look into the mirror. Or pretend putting it on because actually doing so weren't a thing right now.

It might appear silly to put these things into a geometric perspective. Like so the Y thing. Arguably all that it took for me to cross over to the left, yea ... we had that. Technically all it takes is a tiny shift 'back' to "normal motivations" and done. But the way my mind is working would so still be a drag. It would be easier to just see me as a person who has a way and that way is going to be ... my way. And thats pretty much where I find myself now. And it'd suck if these were all false hopes. But yea. This life also comes with a sense of 'choice'. This or that? Sex or Gaming? Ish. And any superficial reason for Sex would already be enough for me. I mean - it seems like ... as I so try to see whats important in the shorter range of things ... its sortof crucial for me to really get into it right. And wrong were - any second thoughts about my male self.

Maybe there is a time beyond how far I can see where I'll be a guy again. It seems reasonable - but only in the frame of 'then' I will have those things ... which yet lead into getting feminized - because gravity - and then that'd be it for quite some time again.

Anyway - for the immediate my path is set. And then I'd possibly get myself into something stupid. Like saying that whoever abducted me couldn't have done so if God weren't OK with it. And thereby basically forgetting about all that I am ... until the good ending came and "surprise" - and then back to business.

I do strongly believe that some "sucker" is "hard on this" to "suck it into the wrong direction" - making me retract all of those safeguards ... but if the only upside is that it is more real because I want it less - ... well ... it doesn't come toegether. It makes no sense. Basically saying that when it gets to eating shit ... I'm a gourmet. I wouldn't eat 'every' crap that you served me.

But now I'm done. I should have been done some paragraphs ago ... where this got redundant ... err ... anyway. I'm out of topics. So ... I'm fine! I'm looking forward to it like its Christmas.

A Y for Misery