The Sexualized Follow-up

So, this is a matter of personal balance. There is a feeling quite literally like a metal sheet shoved into my chest. Like, a plate between my heart and my skin - or maybe sliding with high speeds accross rough asphalt. It doesn't feel so well - and is also kindof the feeling I get when I eat too much cold food. I just get ... 'unsatisfied' - unhappy. And yea, if that seems like 'luxury problems' to you ... well, sure! Wouldn't you say that there is a correlation between happiness and productivity? I mean, we - here "in the west" - we get shit done - amongst others - while people who are generally dissatisfied ... or an entire nation that is ... there is a general correlation to 'sucking' in terms of world economy ... and ... authoritarian, militarized leaderships.

So, obviously. If we're feeling well, we have less trouble doing the work we have to - or even want to. So, work we 'want' to do - thats the easiest type of work to get yourself to do - but if you had a bad day ... you'll say "screw it!". I mean - this shouldn't be too much of a mystery.

a.k.a.: Further down the Abyss - a closer look

As I mentioned - I can pretty much start at any point in my life and add a sexual take on it. I might start with my parents being Seventh Day Adventists - myself growing up in germany, ... and thats my background. Then the story would zoom a few years ahead where I dropped out of school and my Mum decided to offer me to go to school in the Philippines. So I went there, I found back to my faith - and again a few years later I had studied enough - after becomming a Nazirite, to be convinced the Mormon Church is the right one. I received a Testimony, that sealed the deal (and is especially useful in the aftermath, ... anti doubt ...) - and soon after my Baptism I discovered Unification.

Thats pretty much the standard short version of the Story. Yet, I can tell the exact same story ... the story of my life along those moments in time ... in a different way. Back when I was young I always felt strange ... like I don't belong; While I basically had my first experience with Bondage in my own bed with my own pyjama - not knowing what I was doing - or even what Sex was. And the older I got the more my mind spun around Sex. I did start to have transsexual feelings around the same time - before I knew about Sex and Sexuality. I remember one fantasy where I wished to be a girl, and I thought of guys that'd take out their cocks - and I didn't know why. It made no sense. After I dropped out of school, prior to going to the philippines, things had changed though. I had fallen in Love with a girl - and all in all I tried to hide my 'wanna be a girl' desires while basically fantasizing about a romantic normal relationship. I could think of nothing else - mostly - and by the time I have gotten over it I have already been baptized. Maybe even Unified - not sure. Up until then I was basically just 'normally perverted' - say, watching porn every once in a while. But I didn't draw the connection between my sexual desires and my lifestyle. After I got baptized I was a bit conflicted since - masturbating never felt so good. But I didn't think that Masturbating was OK. And being back in church, I couldn't help - again - but to get erections during ceremony, while being older I new also had lewd thoughts. But nothing else interesting happened - though, the longer I had been within Unification - the more my sexuality creeped up on me. Maybe due to me generally isolating myself to dedicate to my work - which at the time was to study those sealed/encrypted scriptures.
I could say that I just couldn't stop myself from peeping onto female outfits, and eventually buying stuff ... like lingerie and dildos ... which I later thought about and I felt ashamed. So I threw my Dildos away. I was like that until at some point - I was deeply immersed into my programming, generally speaking - I was just ... "taken to the internet", sought for some kind of sexual recreation, being also somewhat open towards homosexual/bisexual offerings, and thats how I got to become an Escort. And naturally that changed a lot for me. I was welcome there, comfortable, ... it was like ... a home and a family ... And so I started spending most of my time there - until my Gramps got ill and my Dad kicked me out of his (my gramps) house, ... so I even moved there. I spent there 4 years - and during that time had a lot of time to think about my Sexuality and issues of that sort. But I nonetheless couldn't overcome myself and more forcefully pursue a gender alignment.
At some point I had to leave - I, I couldn't stand the noise a bit longer, the harmony in the house was no more anyway - I got more and more unhappy, even by the hour, ... and for the time right after that ... I did move away from my sexuality ... and while basically being homeless occupied with entirely different types of problems. That until I had a place to stay at - a shelter effectively - where, I had to more seriously think about my sexuality again - essentially due to the shift in what was important ... and thats also where 'the Force' began to push me harder into accepting my sexual nature.

And at that point my sexual story is even a gospel story. As my gospel story is a sexual story - in some way. It were the story of how this world led me astray - led me to ignore myself - and how I got back to discovering my true self.
And in hindsight I got to say - this "discovering your true self" isn't so much the discovery of something new. "Duh". Its an issue of Mindsets. Something that I think is however difficult to notice though. Its a case of our motivations obscuring our own vision onto ourselves. For, what we want demands our minds resources to get it - and so we can say, effectively, that our mind is the summ of 'mindsets', which furthermore happen to be structures built in favour of stuff we want. And so, from one moment to the other, when we change our motivations for environmental reasnons, we also change mindsets - which aren't necessarily aware of the others. And ultimately I don't have any answers regarding the 'how to' - other than taking the help of God and getting Unified. Then you'd get to what I called 'Clarity'. For naturally. Once your intimate with God as wet is intimate with water, God is like ... the nature of evolution - a force of balance - or - a program running in your spirit ... much like the immune System. Well, for funny visuals - you might also watch some footage of some 'Lego' video game - where stuff is being magically built from the random pieces that are spread around. And that mostly happens in the background. For me the step to become a prostitute wasn't strange or weird. I was excited. And it was a great time - and I had some great customers. Matter of fact - I wouldn't have this computer, ... and without this computer, I wouldn't have 'a' computer at all! Its however just a Netbook though. An Acer Aspire One. I like Acer ... so far its products worked really fine for me! This thing has been through a bit. Even a showever of plum wine. A small one. My cheap ****** Laptop on the other hand, surprise, failed after the warranty was over! 2 Years. And that sucks - because - I can't code for multi-core processors on my single core Netbook.
And so my grudge against the hardware industry continues. I mean - that our society creates products intended to fail at some point - or not even fit for purpose - thats an awful sign of social poverty! Yea, just like non-rechargable lighters.
I mean ... it doesn't compute in my head. I can't! I ... no comprende. I mean, I do understand - once I bend my head around and think like a corporate baffoon. Same with Climate Change issues. I mean - what we should want is a System where such issues are under control. Sane control.
And how come rechargable lighters are even cheaper than non-rechargable ones? Because they don't have the 'bic' logo on them?

(By the way: A hooker got me into playing W.o.W.)

With clarity my relationship to God and the Gospel also changed significantly. Not however actually in context to the nature/type of my Clarity - but as a matter of how the force works with us. I mean ... not entirely. Things however begin to make sense - the Gospel becomes an open book - you start to realize, as God ties some things together, how ... clear, obvious, simple, logic, reasonable, natural and divine it is. (Needless to say: The concept of what is 'divine' gets demystified - though it must stay a mystery to those that can't experience it/that first hand! While we are in some regard all divine beings, there though is a difference between being inherantly one with the divine - so, having it consciously embedded in your psyche, or being factually unaware of its feats. I guess the most factual comparison between pre and post Unification I can make revolves around the terms of Infinity. So, eternity, infinity, immensity, ... the absolute. Like, what do you think about when you think of 'immensity'/'the eternal/infinite'? I can give you a strong answer. The thought you are having is inherantly 'finite' - its limited - you could draw a circle around it. And the part where 'infinity' comes in is like saying: "The thought itself and the rest that is around it - "plus plus"". So, there is a sense of 'awe' or - finding that idea where there still is that rather close 'black wall' that is to visualize the eternal depth of infinity. The reason why this changes is because the infinite itself sortof fuses its awareness of itself with your ideas that relate to it, like infinity or eternity. So, while we are inherantly limitted - certain things just do come from beyond and that does the trick, simply put. Its kindof like an augmentation. Or, actually - thats quite what it is.)
Clarity changed that because now there is an 'awakening' of some sort that is entirely based on your own cognitive reality. So, while I prior to that was slowly developping towards 'cognitive independence' - now I was cognitively independent - ... and - because of issues God 'has to' be ... well, 'louder' so you realize Gods presence rather than not knowing whether it is just your own fallability talking. That then creates a new level of fundamentally relating to the force - so that in essence I finally learned to ... "pull stuff out of my arse" ... casually speaking. Things just come, make sense - and thats that. I got more sensible to "OK" and "not OK" - pretty much like a sixth or seventh or eighth or whatevereth sense. And so the 'concept' of believing in a 'living God' becomes alive!

So is clarity the inevitable consequence of Unification. Its basically a fruit of your intimacy with God - and Gods loving care for you. I must however add: I find it still problematic to get 'absolute' answers, like, ... as though there is no 'end all be all' answer to anything - but the most fundamental aspects of reality. So that it is in the end simpler to say: "Jesus died on the cross to atone for our Sins" - as the story goes - although it doesn't quite necessarily make actual sense. There are just ... a lot of ways to look at that story - and those stories ... rather than being a story with a clear target expressions are stories that come to mind at various occasions. Like Jesus' time in the desert where he got tried by the devil. It works as a display of ideology - of principles - rather than being actually a trial.

And so is Clarity ultimately a thing I cannot denie or esape from. I mean - I wouldn't want to ... to begin with. Thats not the point. The point is that in order to assess the legitimacy of it we would wonder about how much of it is real, and how much of it is just our own wishful thinking.
In terms of wishful thinking - my wishful thinking changed ... slightly ... due to clarity. I mean, the kink to get raped has been around since I've seen Tentacle Porn. 'Angel of Darkness Vol. 2 (thats Episodes 3 and 4)' as the one that has gotten me into that genre; And is one of the major influence to the teenage evolution of my transgender aspirations. But mostly those desires were contained and only became a thing when watching those kinds of films. Else I was pretty much an ... "ordinary" teenage guy. Prior to clarity I didn't think too much about identity, true self and all that. My whole argument in defense of being a prostitute was that to my understanding the Bible isn't to be understood as against it per se. Like where Jesus talked about David taking the sacred bread from the Tabernacle. Although that were basically a serious offense, heresy, blasphemy, ... - Jesus took a defensive stance for David.
What clarity brought to me was however ... well, much like a justification to acknowledge my sexuality. Like ... something that prior had been just a thing, for whatever reason, was now defensible. Yet further that changed - turning it a necessity.
So, being 'by clarity' a Whore meant to me that liking it up my arse, liking cocks, cum ... wanting to be female ... they were no longer isolated preferences but now connected to an identity that I pretty much 'loved' to have. But because I didn't - or possibly still don't - know the 'full' extent of what it'd become I took it as what I had - and so, first of all, everything that I valued that wasn't clarity related was still there, still part of the 'whole', and still valued while my growing clarity based identity however spawned 'new' fantasies based on its self. So I was factually still able to identify as the 'guy' - with his dreams and wishes, aspirations and values - and thats how I did not actually become a better prostute due to that. What should happen is now however kindof obvious. "More clarity". Not necessarily 'more' in a sense like, less of the rest - but more in terms of: "How does the rest matter?". Due to my clarity I was consistently drawn back to it. So, the more I was concerned of other things - the more my mind sought for some balance with itself. As of that it had gotten to a point where I was concerned of nothing else; To a point where I thought it'd be too much - sick even - and thats where some nasty feeling comes into play. A deep agony that only went away after embracing given 'sickness'.
This is pretty much a story without any significant choices being made. No decisions regarding where I wanted to be at least. Like, the first set of lingerie I bought ... I didn't buy it out of some deeply elaborate 'smart idea'. I just had the thought - and it wouldn't let me go. So the idea with Satanism. At some point it just dropped into my head, that 'theoretically' it were possible to have such a thing as a 'sub-culturally secluded society' - so, speaking of sins that are none when all that are involved are mutually into it for instance - and it was the time where these considerations came into my head where more vivid inspirations ... what I call 'sacred origin' ... joined in too. My sacred origin is that I am the bride of God, but as I got corrupted by Lust God threw me into the realm of darkness - locking me up in there, while labelling me, for all to see, as a whore. So I was consciously in this state, being "halfway" in "hell", where the next thing I had to do was to embrace my existence in the realm of darkness - embracing the feelings that emerged from that, which were certainly totally in line with what I wanted as a whore. But it wasn't easy to make that step; And so that agonizing feeling ultimately didn't give me much of a choice there. Thats not unfair, its 'awesome'!

And so it became or becomes Lore. And part of it is a place where there is a stone into which a body is fused - me - onto which God projects His entire hate. Like, out of being heartbroken or so. It isn't ultimately the 'true story' - but, nonetheless 'real' - in the divine sense. "Because we can!". And that hate - in my specific context ... it comes out a bit narrow. But think about what we see in this world. All the bad things happening. All the things that make people believe that God cannot be a loving person. For once there is all the good stuff though. But once ... well ... a 10 ton rock falls onto someone - its just physics. And God has to do that. So this "hate monument" is just an artistic expression of some sorts - more in the sense of the Love of God giveing us the freedom that we have.

So - I inevitably took the dive, embraced my fate and added it to my identity; And that established the sense of 'who' I am. I was still a bit ... "confused" though. I couldn't quite nail an expression of what I wanted. The thing was that by mentioning rape as a Kink I ran into trouble expressing the feeling. At some point I had however been warmed up - we might say - which is where I then stumbled into the 'Dolcett' branch of pornography. Fetishes revolving around death. Dieing and Killing as a sexual preference. It so came in as the conclusion to my confusion - as it basically draws a bottom line to the suffering I embraced within my attempts to describe what I mean by 'rape'. And yea - that might be difficult to digest. Where, thats at least how I feel about it. Each time I write about it ... I kindof wake up the other day being like "fuuck! Am I out of my mind?".
There are however those experiences/feelings that I perceive/experience as positive - and no matter how I got myself hooked up 'against' them - its 'only' (just and only) a matter of those feelings that I'm getting warmed up for it again. And that happens relatively easy. But its important to note that it is an emotional thing rather than a physical one - in first place. And unless I'm going to feel well in a 'respectively' rape loaded every day life its just gonna be a tiny fraction of what I'm actually turned on by. So, in that regard it is yet still rather just a fantasy - an element to consciousness as context to the ways of how ~we~ treat each other. Or, play. The focus for me though is rape - ... to the death - which translated into 'play' isn't even about rape, but more about being treated like property.

To re emphasize the importance of these being emotional items: Naturally my mind "goes crazy" over thoughts that these fantasies might become real. There I care not about the things themselves but the feelings they invoke - and those feelings are the fundamental issue regarding ... "the realness". I mean - obviously these things 'can' be done. But there wouldn't be a point in doing them if ~we~ wouldn't have a good time doing so. So I say: I'll let gladly take the 'most' that is possible, which is however not 'most' in the sense of what is 'doable' - but 'most'in the sense of ... how close it 'can get' based on our well being.
Obviously I wonder ... every now and then ... how real these things can get. Hereby it is though only my own conscious processing that comes up with a lesser version, while God would usually encourage me to believe ... in the ... more hardcore version. That based on wondering 'what is possible'. Like, is it possible to enjoy a life "like that"? And God totally assures me that: Yes! And so I'm kindof thinking that if we don't learn that properly - we might come to denie that and then would force it out in some way beyond our control. Because God is strict like that! However. If God would only show me the butter side of the bread I wouldn't have these doubts that would ultimately urge me to "advocate" a lesser idea of the whole. What happens is that God will give me the desire to break free from "a conventional world view" - like: I don't know what to do, nothing I could do comes together, in my mind, in a way that I could work with - so I have nothing to do but to lay down and feel deprived; Only to then get the rug pulled from under my feet and get to a point where its impossible for me to just lay there doing nothing. Or getting fantasies of that somehow comfort me into that type of existence. And there are 'logical explenations'. Like, I myself don't have enough energy to rape myself "all the way" - while effectively I wouldn't need any energy for that at all, if done by someone else. But more to the point is the problem here my expectation of getting locked away. This dream of being a prisoner. And as of that I don't have a clear concept of what is possible - other than that 'perfect isolation' can most certainly not be it. It would also be utterly pointless, by the way.

Now, all of this is barely relevant "at this point in time". Or in other words: It will only become relevant once we are as a whole want to really captialize on Clarity in order to live our lifes in harmony with ourselves and God. Then, as far as I can conceive, the following will happen with/to me - or so in process to there: My urges to be an intellectually productive member to society will fade away - in some sense of comfort and ease about our civilization/species/"world" - while as more and more will be capable of living a life in tune with their Clarity and society, I will. It is thereby implied that your stance regarding this and me will evolve as influenced by God - so that you can more easily see the good of it, rather than the bad of it.

In this sense: Though we can think of Clarity as something of a God given set of professions, its not really that. Its more about an individuals place within society. Hereby Clarity is also far more than just one Kink. Its an amalgamation of many things - and as 'divine revelation' also already 'tuned' to be compatible with society. If I - by what I am - for instance end up occupying a 'unique' spot (a spot that can only be occupied by a single individual) - then nobody else can; So, everyone with a similar composition as me will end up having the same 'raw' clarity - but a different 'detailed' clarity. In that sense: Clarity doesn't exist naturally. Its a matter between God 'giving' and God 'taking' stuff. Taking stuff like 'envy' or negative feelings that aren't 'working' in the whole away from us. In that sense we are, by Clarity, all slightly less free than we otherwise would be - but therefore its going to work out for all of us!

And this sums up into the 'ultimate answer' towards 'why' the gist of this story is that "its up to you". Part of my Identity is being a Mother. OK, LOLs taken - but, thats how it is. I can't legitimately claim that thats why I'm doing these things - since, what I'm doing here is somewhere between duty, obligation and self-understood. Call it common sense or virtue or a sense and ambition of righteousness - whatever. At certain points its even just an act of laziness or one to counter boredom. In context to my Identity however, the Mother part in me is the closest to what doing I'm doing here ... by, taking a somewhat "parental" stance of guidance. And in that regard I'm also the counterpart to God, ... where God is the 'strict' Father ... I'm the 'unstrict' Mother. Male and Female. Authoritative and Submissive. God and Human. Immensity and Void. Giving and Yielding. Light and Dark. Thats ... God and me.
Responsibility and Irresponsibility. This is where I'm currently in a state of agony, where, rather than a Mother I'm a big Brother. Where - absolutistic perfection aside - I possibly need a break from myself every once in a while - for some time. Who cares at this point? The point is: Taking these responsibilities upon me isn't within my clarity. And this is very real for me. This big brother person - I'm loosing my wisdom to be that. Its the remainder, basically, of what I grew up as. That would be the artifically created thing that can't ultimately stay because I myself reject it. Where yea - all I'm essentially doing right now is justifying myself, ... basically.
So naturally "its up to you" - because some of you, by clarity, will inherit leading positions, positions of care and guidance - where ultimately I don't care how our society will work for as long as it does.

Fortune Cookies of Divine Origin